Episode Transcript
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Katie Kurpanek (00:00):
How many times
have you found yourself
(00:02):
frustrated when you set out newgoals or new habits that you
want to maintain in your lifeand then chasing after them just
feels impossible, long lastingchange is hard enough to reach
one person. But when you're alsoa mom, and you're juggling the
busyness of mom life, workingmeals, diaper changes, school
drop off and pickup so manythings, it can be absolutely
(00:22):
draining to keep up with anykind of change. So maybe you've
been here before, or you'recurrently in the struggle now.
And you're wanting to build newhabits, but something keeps
holding you back or tripping youup. In today's episode, we're
going to tackle this challengehead on, and empower you with
tangible ways to reinforce thechanges that you want to see in
your life. I'm Katie, I am acoach a podcaster. And a mama
(00:43):
focused on supporting eco mindedmamas to live sustainably,
saving 1000s of dollars andliving a life that is in
alignment with their corevalues, so they can care for
their families and theirenvironment. Today, I'm here
with Tiffani Domokos, licensedtherapist and parent coach. And
we're so happy to have her backon the show to support you in
reaching your goals. So let'sget into it. Tiffani, for those
(01:04):
who have not heard your previousepisodes with us, or they just
need a reminder about who youare, could you share a little
bit of your story and just aboutyourself with us? Yeah,
Tiffani Domokos (01:14):
thanks so much
for having me, Katie, I'm so
happy to be here. Again. My nameis Tiffani and I am a licensed
therapist and a parent coach. Istarted my business in October
2022. After spending almost acouple of years, really
struggling and motherhood,realizing that I need some more
(01:37):
support. And that even as atherapist, I needed help, kind
of getting into a rhythm ofmotherhood, changing some
patterns in my behavior and inmy parents meaning and unlikely
that if I needed some support,that there were some other folks
out there who needed support toso I created wholly living
(01:57):
coaching and consulting with theidea of bringing our whole
selves into parenthood is reallythe goal. Not trying to kind of
fake it until we make it butreally bringing our whole selves
bringing all of that that wehave that we're struggling with,
into our parenting journey toheal more for ourselves, but
then also for our kiddos.
Katie Kurpanek (02:20):
I love that the
whole concept of faking it till
you make it is like so prevalentin our society. And yet, it's
not actually that helpful. Like,when my husband and I were
dating, he used to say somethingthat like we need to put our
real foot forward and put ourbest foot forward, because we
just like you have to show up asauthentically as you can in
order to make true progress inlife.
Tiffani Domokos (02:41):
Yeah. Agree,
Agreed, Agreed.
Katie Kurpanek (02:45):
Well, I am so
happy that you are creating this
incredible supportive community.
I know I've personally benefitedfrom it with some of your
parenting coaching. And I'mexcited to have you back on the
show. So could you share with usright now? What have you found
to be true for mamasspecifically who keep trying to
reach their goals? Whether it'slike financial goals, they want
to save money or change certainspending habits? Or maybe it's
(03:08):
self care, because self care canget easily lost in motherhood?
You know, maybe, it's livingsustainably as an eco friendly
whatever it is, if they keepfalling short, is there
something that you have foundthat commonly happens to trip us
up?
Tiffani Domokos (03:26):
Yes, the short
answer is that we likely have a
reinforcement problem. So thethe longer answer, and it's
always longer, it's always morecomplicated. And individualized,
right. This is the I'm going tospeak in some generalities. But
it really depends on yourpersonality, the habit that
you're trying to keep the habitsthat you're trying to get out
(03:48):
of, because you can't reallyhave one without the other, you
have to give some things up toto gain some things in the habit
world. And so in our, in ourprevious episode together, you
know, I kind of walked throughthat that whole process of
change. And so the final step ofchange is reinforcement is the
brains way of creating thathabit, which is basically your
(04:13):
brain's ability to repeat thesame thing over and over. And
our brain needs some sort ofreinforcement, hopefully
positive reinforcement, that isthe most effective form of
reinforcement, but, buthopefully, hopefully it's
positive, sometimes it'snegative. But looking at that
(04:33):
reinforcement individually, Ioften recommend a couple of
things. One, going back to thewhy. Why did you get started
doing this in the first place?
Why? Why is this important toyou? Why is this a value? So a
lot of times we'll come upagainst obstacles with good
things like you go on vacation,and you get out of the habit of
(04:55):
going to the gym at six o'clockin the morning because there's
Anything in, you're eating funfood, you're doing fun things
with your family, that'swonderful. But your brain is not
trained to come back fromvacation and start into that
habit again. And so you kind ofhave to repeat that process
again, like, Okay, I'm awarethat when I come back from
(05:17):
vacation, I need to get backinto this habit. remind myself,
why do I like that? Why do Iwant to do that? Why is that a
good habit for me and for myfamily. And then usually, I know
how to do those things, right? Iknow how to get I know how to
set an alarm and get up, I knowhow to how to get to the gym,
like I know the pathway there,it's, it's then actually
(05:38):
practicing it, and then gettingback into that reinforcement. So
the other thing that I find isthat a lot of times we get into
our own heads, and we get in ourown way. So there's a lot of
negativity, fail, I'm a failure.
Right? And I've come up againstan obstacle, we get to see it,
(06:01):
I'm not good at this. And wesort of like throw our hands up
and say, This isn't for me, Iknew that this was a stretch, I
knew that this was, you know,whatever that might be. And so I
kind of help people break thatdown. Okay, what is that
negative talk? Is it aboutfailure? Is this about who you
(06:22):
think you are? Is this about notbelieving that you can be who
you want to be? Or, you know,you know, where does that come
from? And, and we kind of peelback the layers. And as a
therapist, I can kind of, youknow, do that, but, but helping
people kind of get to the rootof what's going on in your head?
What's going on in your heart?
What's happening around you?
(06:45):
What are those obstacles? Andand once we kind of take
ourselves out of the theobstacle category, and get
ourselves into the encouragementcategory for ourselves, like,
it's okay to be proud ofyourself for just going to the
gym one time this week aftervacation. It's okay to be proud
(07:05):
of yourself, for, you know, justdoing one new self care habit
this week, because you're out ofthe habit, and you're building
it again. And so a lot of timeswe think like, oh, I built this
habit, and now I fallen out ofit. So now I need to give up. It
rather than I built this habit,I got out of the habit, because
(07:28):
my brain isn't trained to do thething after this obstacle. So so
then we look at, you know, howoften are obstacles coming up?
Give yourself space tobrainstorm. So coaching is
really great for that becauseyou kind of have this dedicated
space. I imagine that you talkwith your clients too, about
like, what's your obstacle,right? Like, where? Where are
(07:51):
you coming up against that wall,where you can't quite get past
it. And sometimes it's alogistical thing. Sometimes it's
like, literally forget to takeout the recycling every other
week, like, I cannot do that.
Okay, great. So let's talk aboutputting putting timers on your,
on your phone, or asking someoneelse in your household to do
those things. Because maybe youhave too much on your plate and
(08:14):
you took off, you bit off morethan you can chew. So, you know,
how can we problem solve forthat and making space for
brainstorming rather thanjudgment looking for solutions?
Katie Kurpanek (08:27):
Yeah, so I think
so I'm hearing two things. It
sounds like there's the firstand probably most important part
is the intrinsic or the internalsense of motivation, like
getting to the root of why thishabit or goal in particular
matters to you. And then onceyou have that, like so clearly
(08:48):
in the forefront of your mind,and you can keep coming back to
it over and over as a reminderof why you value this, then it
makes doing the work that mucheasier, or, or maybe not easier,
but just you're more motivatedto do it. And then it sounds
like the second thing is likehaving an external, something
like scaffolding, maybe or justsupport in order to actually
(09:11):
make it happen. Like you said,logistically. So if someone has
their their why down, like theyknow why this goal is so
important to them. Then, what'sthat next step? Like what you
know, you you named a coupleexamples like setting timers or
asking for support within yourhome. But what are some other
(09:31):
strategies or tools that momscould take that are like
externally supporting them toactually reach their goals?
Tiffani Domokos (09:39):
I like to tell
my clients to post things around
and I know that is sort of likecliche and maybe a little
cheesy, but it is in the momentswhen we are our best selves. We
are centered. We are speakingkindly to ourselves. We have our
values really clearly in frontof us. If that is the time to
(10:02):
write those things down, andpost them around your house,
whatever habit you're trying tomake or break, right, posting
things that remind you of that,who you are, remind you of your
values reminds you to do thethings that you want to do,
right and why. And it's sort oflike, it's like self coaching.
(10:27):
So when you're in that, likereally great space to be able to
write all those things out, and,and then put them in spaces
where you'll see them. You'reallowing yourself and giving
yourself space to feel proudabout those things to follow
through to have your own back toknow yourself, and then
(10:47):
encourage yourself, so that Imean coaching is not supposed to
be long term schema therapy,it's not supposed to be for a
decade, sometimes it isdepending on who you are, and
when what you're workingthrough. And that's okay.
There's no shame in thatwhatsoever. But when we can make
our own voice, what is theencouragement? What is the thing
(11:11):
that is keeping us going, andit's a lot easier to fall back
on that when we get out of thehabit or when we're having a
hard time. And I think that'sthat's much more sustainable
over time than relying on like,well, Kane, you told me to do
this, or Tiffany tells me to dothis thing, right? But like,
(11:31):
this is my voice. This is myvalue that I'm putting out here.
And nobody told me to do it. I'mjust, I'm just kind of having my
own back. So So that's one way Ithink getting other people
involved. Not just in your home,but maybe in your neighborhood.
So if you're if you're trying tobe more eco minded, are there
(11:53):
other parents or neighbors whoare trying to do the same thing
that they're putting out therecycling? And I can remember
because I see their drivewayevery other week. Are there
other people that you can kindof get signed up to come along
with you for that habit?
Katie Kurpanek (12:11):
Hmm. Yeah, I'm
so glad you brought that up
doing things in community isjust I feel like almost always
so much easier and and usuallymore fun. And there's like so
much more just accountabilityand sense of like not being
alone in the whole struggle. SoI love that. I know that this is
(12:31):
just barely like the tip of theiceberg when it comes to
everything involved with likecreating long lasting,
sustainable change. And we'regonna be back next week with
part two of this conversation.
But for right now, you have beensuch a support when I've
struggled with like particularchanges that I have wanted to
see in my own parenting ofvarious stages of the toddler
(12:52):
years so far, and I've been sothankful for your support. I'm
curious as we bring this in fora landing, what are you
currently offering thatlisteners could possibly benefit
from? If I link anything in theshow notes? What would you point
them towards?
Tiffani Domokos (13:09):
Yeah, so I do a
monthly ish newsletter, about
change tips and tricks, usuallypick kind of one thing to focus
on. Usually something that hasbeen impacting me during the
previous month. So that's,that's my monthly newsletter,
they can sign up attiffanidomokos.com forward slash
(13:32):
subscribe. I also have a wholebunch of freebies, that you can
find on my Tik Tok and myInstagram so tifwhollyliving on
Instagram and TifwhollylivingCC,tiktok. There are also some
videos with like really quickand easy kind of shot in the arm
(13:55):
change, change things orparenting things that are really
accessible and hopefully reallyapplicable quickly.
Katie Kurpanek (14:03):
Mm hmm. They
totally have been I love
following you on social media. Ifeel like it's just, it's like
these quick tangible clips thatare so supportive. So I'll have
all of that all your contactinformation and resources linked
in the episode description foranyone listening. And we will be
back next week with part two ofour conversation focusing on
(14:23):
managing mama overwhelm when itcomes to you know a lot of
things but especially puttingthese kinds of changes into
practice. And then over in theEco minded mama collective. Our
theme for this month is goalsetting and setting a strong
foundation for building newhabits when it comes to the five
pillars of sustainable living.
I've mentioned those in earlierepisodes. So if you are
(14:45):
listening and you are ready tostart making real sustainable
changes in your life, meaningsustainable long term and for
the earth, then this is so mucheasier to deal with in community
and I would invite you to go toCheck out our collective of eco
minded mamas all supporting eachother online to reach these
goals, you can visit eco mindedmama.com Or just click that link
(15:06):
in the show notes to learn moreand join us while we brainstorm
and support each other. We'realso going to have the privilege
of having Tiffani, join us inour community for an even deeper
like personalized q&a sessionwithin that community in April,
so at the time of thisrecording, that's in just a
couple of weeks, but we will beback for part two in this
(15:28):
conversation. Thank you,Tiffani.
Tiffani Domokos (15:32):
Thank you