Your Child's Therapist wants to help you and your child to the best of their abilities and sometimes it's hard to meet the needs of the child and the needs of the parent in the same session at the same time. During this episode I talk about the role a therapist plays as the Child's Therapist where they are coaching the parent around strategies they are using with the child in the here and now context for the child in the child's session, and when they are coaching the parent as the Parent Coach around concerns the parent may have around their parenting skills which are about situations outside of the therapy room. Can these two types of coaching (for the child and the parent) occur at the same time, or do they need to be addressed at different times?
danabaltutis.com, mytherapyhouse.com.au, https://mytherapyhouse.com.au/your-childs-therapy-journey/ https://www.danabaltutis.com/services
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Episode Transcript
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Dana Baltutis (00:01):
Hi parents and listeners, welcome to the
Empowered Parent Podcast with me, Dana Baltutis.
I just wanted to do a veryshort episode about child
therapy and parent coaching.
So my question today is whenare we the child's therapist and
(00:25):
when are we the parent coach?
So these days, especially inearly intervention, therapists
are being asked to work with thechild and the parent.
This means that the child andthe parent are both in the room
and often there might even be asibling present.
I definitely believe in thisapproach, as when the parent is
(00:50):
in the room of the therapeuticsession, the parent is learning
skills to support their child'sdevelopment.
So they're learning strategies.
They're learning how tointeract, how to communicate,
how to play, how to move, how tounderstand their child's
sensory profile, how tounderstand their how to play,
how to move, how to understandtheir child's sensory profile,
how to understand their ownsensory profile, how to
understand when we aresupporting the child as parents
(01:16):
and when we are challenging thechild.
For example, the speechpathologist may be working with
the child and parent to supportthe child's communication skills
and support the parent to learnskills to communicate with
their child, and the skills needto be meaningful for the child
(01:36):
and the parent.
The occupational therapist maybe working on the child's
regulation, body awareness,gross and fine motor skills and
supporting the parent to supportthe child at home in these
areas of development.
Similarly, the early childhoodeducator or as we at my Therapy
House call our early childhoodeducator, our development
(01:59):
through play therapist may beworking on the child's play and
social emotional skills throughplay and working with the parent
to learn how to play with theirchild, consolidate and extend
the child's play skills in a waythat is meaningful for the
child.
Now this often is difficultbecause as adults we've
(02:19):
forgotten how to play and Iremember when I first started to
play it was just a tea partyput the tea cups out, put the
spoons out, put the plates out,feed all my teddy bears and then
where do you go from there?
But since then, from our earlychildhood educator, I've learned
that play is extremely complexand have continued my study in
(02:45):
play, as have all our therapists.
So an example is when the childloves dinosaurs and the
parents' play skills are aroundtrains, tea parties and dolls,
then the therapist will beworking to extend the parents'
play around dinosaurs so theycan meet the child where they
are at and extend their playfrom there.
(03:07):
So it's really important atthese very early stages to
follow the child's interest andthe child's lead.
If we're not following thechild's interest and the child's
lead, the child may feel thatwe are not wanting to connect
with them and they will not wantto play with us in the future.
(03:30):
And play is really essentialbecause children learn
everything through play.
They learn how to, you know, dotheir daily tasks like dressing
, brushing their teeth, going tothe toilet, eating, drinking.
They learn how to share thosesocial emotional skills turn
(03:51):
take, be compassionate,understand, have empathy and
these are all the skills thatchildren learn in play.
And also taking on another'sperspective.
Learn in play and also takingon another's perspective.
And there needs to be a matchand someone needs to be more
flexible and adaptable in play.
If there is a mismatch ininterest between the adult and
(04:14):
child, and often it needs to bethe person with more cognitive
resources and capacity.
So that means it's the personthat can be more flexible and
more adaptable, and that isoften the adult or the parent.
So often it is the parent orthe adult playing with the child
(04:34):
that needs to follow thatchild's lead rather than have
the child copy what they'redoing, because more often than
not, if the child is notinterested in what you are
playing, they will disengagewith you During sessions.
This is where therapists goodtherapists working to transfer
(04:56):
their knowledge and skills tothe main carer of the child, so
that's the parent excel byworking with the parent to model
and teach them strategies theyare using with their child, or
adapt and tweak strategies thatthe parent is using to support
the child even more.
So, for example, the parentmight be asking quite a few
(05:21):
questions of the child, so thetherapist might suggest asking
less questions and having morecomments, or more silence or
more vocalizations like hmm,just to allow the child to have
space to respond and to initiateresponses, responses.
(05:49):
The other thing is the childmay have various sensory motor
sensitivities or, on the otherend of the spectrum, they might
have sensory motor needs.
So they might be jumping aroundor throwing themselves into a
cushion.
And if a parent is softlyspoken and very careful in their
movements, then there will be amismatch between the parent and
child.
(06:10):
So the therapist works with theparent to support them in
supporting their child's needfor movement.
And when the child is moving,that's when they're learning.
Often they're interacting,engaging, communicating, sharing
(06:32):
attention.
Sometimes in the sessions theparents will have other things
they would like to talk about,such as issues the parent may be
having with the child's likechildcare or kindy or school
medication changes and so on,and they're often seeking advice
and support and recommendationsfrom the therapist.
And often, you know, it couldeven be like the child's been
(06:55):
invited to a birthday party.
How does the parent prepare thechild for a birthday party?
They might have behavioralstruggles or they might be
sensitive to certain foods orsensitive to certain
environmental sounds or visualthings in the environment to the
(07:16):
therapist aroundrecommendations and how they,
the parent, can adapt theirskills and adapt their way of
being interacting, playing,communicating with the child to
(07:36):
support the child.
This is when the therapisttakes off their child therapy
hat and puts on their parentcoaching hat.
The parent coaching hat isneeded when the issues the
parent is bringing to thesession are out of scope of what
the child is learning in thesession.
(07:57):
So often I see when the parentand the therapist and child are
in the room and the child ishaving a huge learning spurt in
that session around a particularexperience and the parent might
interrupt that learning spurtwith what is on their mind in
(08:21):
that moment.
Now that is very valid to theparent and the therapist wants
to validate that.
But the therapist also wants tovalidate what the child is
doing in that moment and supportthe parent to support their
child in that learning moment.
So it's often hard fortherapists to wear both hats
(08:43):
simultaneously.
That's where they are the childtherapist, with supporting the
parent, learn the strategiesthat the therapist is using to
support the child in the moment,as well as coaching the parent
with their worries and withtheir concerns and questions,
(09:08):
which may not be related to whatthe child is specifically doing
in that moment.
And the parent coaching hat isneeded often, needed often.
(09:30):
And you know we need to reallyrespect coaching and understand
that we can't do coaching on thefly.
Like good coaching takes time.
Good coaching needs anenvironment where the parent and
the coach the parent coach areare able to spend time
unravelling some of the issuesand also talking about that
(09:51):
deeply.
When the therapist works tocoach the parent, they listen
deeply and find out what theparent's concerns are.
So that could be a problem, anissue at school, a struggle, a
worry about what family membersmay be saying, and so on and so
(10:13):
forth, and we work in thatmoment.
As parent coaches, we work withthe parent to come up with
solutions.
Sometimes the parent coach,when they're working with the
parent, come up with solutions.
Sometimes the parent coach,when they're working with the
parent, need to break throughsome of the parent's limiting
beliefs, decisions, perceptionsand even unwarranted negative
(10:38):
emotions so the parent isclearer in thinking about
themselves, their capacities andtheir child.
Often parents come to us andsay I really don't know what to
do, I'm beside myself, I'moverwhelmed.
This has really baffled me.
And often the answers arewithin us and, like I keep
(11:01):
repeating that you know we havegot the answers in our
unconscious mind but for somereason there is a block.
We can't get to those answersNow.
The block may be that the parentmay feel that they are being
judged by other family members,they're being judged by the
(11:22):
community.
They might feel guilty.
You know some people are stillstruggling with their child's
challenges and feel that theyare somehow responsible for
those challenges.
So that's where the parentcoach can work with the parent
around their feelings of perhapsanger, sadness, fear, grief,
(11:49):
shame, frustration.
These are all feelings that areabsolutely natural and normal
to have as a parent.
So that's where it's reallyimperative to work with a very
good coach that will enable youto break through those emotions,
(12:11):
without delving deep into yourwhole family history, and come
out of the process feeling thatyou have more clarity, that you
have more resilience, morestrength and that you are
empowered to make very cleardecisions around your own
(12:33):
wellbeing, happiness, mentalhealth, spiritual health,
physical health, emotionalhealth and that of your child's.
And it's important that thecoach works with the parent to
get outcomes for the parentaround what they are wanting.
(12:54):
So the same person can be thechild's therapist and work to
support the child's developmentand to support the development
of the parent's strategies whenthey're supporting their child.
But also the same person canwork as a parent coach to
(13:16):
support the parent around theirchallenges and their obstacles
that might be hindering theirlearning in that moment of the
strategies that the therapist isteaching them.
So you know, there's someexamples that come to mind, and
(13:38):
one is that what if the parentdoesn't want to move their child
to the next childcare room orkindy environment, or even to
school?
When the coach asks the rightquestions, the parent may say
(14:00):
they want the child to feelcomfortable in their childcare
facility or in their kindyfacility or in their school
facility and not feel anxiousand have good relationships like
they are currently having inwhatever they are doing.
So whatever the child is doing,and when the coach works with
(14:23):
the parent to go even deeper andinto these limiting beliefs
that the child will not be okayif they move.
And of course there will betimes that the child can't move
from one environment to anotherbecause of their neurology and
they may not be ready to move.
But often the child may beready to move or ready to
(14:47):
develop to the next level orstep up to the next milestone,
but the parent is still highlyanxious and highly cautious
about the child moving and theirneurology then triggers the
child's neurology because that'sall about attachment theory and
(15:07):
mirror neurons.
So we need to be very wary ofthat.
And the parent so when thecoach asks the parent around
that situation, you know things.
Other things might come to thesurface.
So, for example, that theparent may not want their child
(15:28):
to lose their current supportstaff because the parent trusts
them and has built strongrelationships with them.
And it is very difficult totrust people with your child,
especially a vulnerable child,especially a child that may be
non-speaking yet, with newadults all the time, after
(15:50):
you've done all that trainingfor a year or two years, et
cetera and it might actually bethe parent not feeling
comfortable informing newrelationships and explaining the
child's situations all overagain.
The parent may be projectingtheir own insecurities on the
(16:13):
child.
For example, the parent mayfeel like they don't like
changes and don't want anythingto change for them and their
child because they want to feelsafe in this little cocoon and
therefore they think the childdoesn't like change and changing
environments.
So it's really the coach cansupport parents to look deep
(16:37):
within themselves and see whatis it about them that may be
projecting some of these beliefs, thoughts, decisions onto the
child.
And often, you know, it is verydifficult because often our
(16:58):
unconscious has been programmedsince we were little ourselves
and we don't even know why weare thinking like that.
We might believe that we aredoing something that is right
for the child, but it may bethat we are afraid of something,
(17:19):
we are afraid to let go ofsomething, we are afraid to
change something as adults andwe portray that on our children.
So that's what a coach can workwith the parent with to
determine.
Is that an underlying processthat's occurring?
Because it may not be, but italso may be and you know the
(17:45):
parent may feel they don't havegood supports for themselves in
that moment in time so they maynot want the child to go to the
next, you know, childcare room,kindy school, because they might
feel like they're losing theirsupports.
(18:07):
Because a lot of families, a lotof parents who are raising
neurodivergent beautifulchildren feel very isolated and
feel very misunderstood and feelvery lonely because you know it
is hard to find like-minded,like-minded communities.
(18:32):
So as a parent coach, we workon supporting the parent to have
confidence and trust themselvesand assert themselves and feel
proud of being a parent of aneurodivergent child.
And sometimes the parents areneurodivergent themselves and
may not even know this yet,because it is very difficult to
if you are in the neurodivergentbody and mind and heart and
(18:56):
soul, that's who you are, youknow, and we don't really have
time to reflect on our own, Iguess, our own way of perceiving
the world and what we areprojecting on others.
And that's why it is reallyimportant for coaches to support
(19:21):
parents to investigate this andexplore and discover themselves
.
And, like I said, it'simportant that the parent coach
works through the parent'sperceptions, projections and
beliefs around a particularissue they perceive their child
may be having and breaks throughthese perceptions, projections
(19:42):
and beliefs and clears anylimiting decisions and emotions.
So it's basically lifting theveil and supporting the parent
to see something else, becausewhen we are viewing the world
from our own lens, then we areviewing the world from our own
lens.
We are on an automatic pilotand we think the world is like
(20:08):
that and it's really importantto have someone else work with
you to maybe lift that veil alittle bit slowly, not all of a
sudden so it blinds you, butlift it slowly so you are able
to, you know, pick out of thatveil and see that there is
(20:29):
another way of perceiving, beingand experiencing your world as
a parent and therefore givingthat gift to your child and many
of these limiting decisions andemotions and beliefs.
These are structures and theyare deep seated into our
(20:53):
unconscious minds and, like Isaid, only 5% of our behavior
and thoughts are from theconscious mind.
Only 5% of our behavior andthoughts are from the conscious
mind and that's the mind thatwe're aware of and the rest come
(21:13):
or stem from the unconsciousmind.
So that is the mind that we arenot aware of.
A parent coach will work withthe parent, using different
techniques to make theunconscious conscious and
therefore supporting the parentto change their beliefs and
(21:34):
thought patterns.
Now, if the parent or theperson doesn't want their
beliefs and thought patternschanged and they want to
continue down that road thatthey're on, that is fine.
Nothing will change yourbeliefs and thought patterns if
you do not want.
But if you want to betteryourself and see a different
(21:54):
point of view and break out ofsome of the worries and
struggles and concerns andpatterns and problems that keep
repeating themselves,relationships, interactions that
keep repeating themselves andthat may not be healthy for you
or your child, that's whenworking with a very skilled
(22:20):
parent coach is extremelyimportant and to work not only
through the conscious but alsothrough the unconscious.
So, as a parent listening tothis podcast and listening to
this episode, think about yourchild's therapy sessions.
(22:40):
Okay, so think about yourchild's therapy sessions.
Are they for your child or foryou, or are they for both of you
?
And I guess you know therapysessions are not usually very
long and the child takes time towarm up and get going in the
(23:01):
therapy session and learn andthe parent also needs time to be
listened to and coached to seea different way or to learn
different strategies.
So the parent will have twohats on in the therapy session
They'll be there to support thechild and then they will be
(23:25):
there to support themselves as aparent.
So you know, that's a lot ofwork for the therapist to be
doing in that session okay, ofwork for the therapist to be
doing in that session Okay.
And also, when you are talkingabout the child in front of the
child, that is really notrespectful to the child, okay.
(23:47):
So we I know at my therapyhouse and I'm sure a lot of
other therapists always saylet's talk about some of the
issues the child might be havingnot in front of the child,
because what we say, that's whatbecomes.
And if I say something like, oh, my child is always having
(24:10):
meltdowns, I mean, although youthink the child doesn't
understand that at some levelthey do and they will even have
more meltdowns, because you arelabeling that child as someone
that has meltdowns.
So it's really really importantthat we are consciously aware
(24:31):
of the thoughts we're having,the language we're having, the
emotions that we are showing toour child.
And if, for example, like inattachment theory say, for
example, you are very worriedabout your child and you know
you're showing sort of like aworried affect or facial like a
(24:59):
worried affect or facialexpression and affect on your
face or you know a concernedfacial expression, so think
about it.
Every time the child lookstowards you to you know to find
someone that is collaboratingwith them and is celebrating
them and is rejoicing, and theysee your face that is worried
and concerned and withdrawn, thechild will start to get worried
(25:26):
, withdrawn, concerned and theywill play that out in a way that
is in their neurology.
So that could be in terms ofexpressing themselves, in terms
of their behavior.
So that means they might notwant to interact, not want to
play, they might hit, they mightkick, they might scream, or
(25:49):
they might totally withdraw andnot want to interact and not
want to speak to you or interactwith your play with you.
So it's really, really importantthat we clean these unconscious
things up, because theunconscious does seep through
our body.
We actually carry ourunconscious on ourselves and I
(26:14):
know myself if I'm worried aboutsomething.
I'm walking differently, I'mstooping a little bit.
My husband always knows and hesays are you okay?
I'm like, yeah, what makes yousay that?
Because I may not even be awareat that point that I'm not okay
, because that is somewhere deepin my unconscious.
And then maybe after a day ortwo, I might say you know what?
(26:35):
I really think that reallyaffected me.
You know, whatever theexperience was or I didn't
realize, this is what I've beenthinking about the whole time.
So this is why it's reallyimportant to work with a coach
to really clean those internalstates up so we are able to be
(26:56):
in a state of mind and in astate of emotion that is
positive and that is affirmingand that is accepting of our
child in that moment.
And you know, that doesn't meanthat we all have to be
(27:16):
Pollyanna, no, but that doesmean that we need to think about
you know, what am I holding inand how am I projecting all that
energy onto someone so littlethat can't carry that?
Because children are extremelyvulnerable.
They are very sensitive toenergy, they are very astute and
(27:42):
if I can't hold the child inthat moment, in terms of my
emotional availability, then thechild ends up holding me and
that is not a good place for achild to be, because they are
not cognitively, emotionally,spiritually, mentally equipped
(28:02):
to do that, whereas we are, andwe may not think we are in that
moment, and that's why we need acoach to help us there with
that.
And this is where I'm saying youknow, if you need help in order
(28:25):
to clear some of this baggage,or clear some of these feelings,
or clear some of these thoughts, then book in extra time for
yourself with a parent coach andlook if your therapist can
coach you and have got theskills and techniques to do that
your child's therapist thendefinitely do that.
(28:47):
If you've got a counselor thatcan do that, definitely do that.
If you've got a psychologist ormental health practitioner,
social worker, definitely dothat.
If you've got a psychologist ormental health practitioner,
social worker, definitely dothat.
I think that's really important.
But the word coach is differentto therapy because coach works
in the present and into thefuture, okay.
(29:08):
And the coach can also help youclear some thought patterns and
emotional patterns so you areable to be clear and committed
to yourself and your child'sdevelopment.
And sometimes the worries andthoughts we have unconsciously
and energetically influence ourchild from developing to their
(29:30):
full potential.
Okay, so that's reallyimportant.
Full potential Okay, so that'sreally important.
Sometimes the worries andthoughts we have unconsciously
and energetically influence ourchild from developing into their
full potential, because thechild is using the energy to
hold our stuff as adults.
(29:50):
Okay, the child is not able tofully express themselves, to be
themselves, to be theirbeautiful, creative, unique self
.
They are trying to moldthemselves so that we are happy
as their parents and that waythey lose part of themselves and
(30:14):
then they grow into adults.
That then they're carrying ourstuff into their life and it
sort of continues from there.
And when we as adults andparents break through our limits
and unproductive thoughtpatterns and worries, then our
child, our child, will not haveto carry that and will break
(30:39):
through their limits.
Okay, so it's like a ceiling,it's like the glass ceiling.
Once we are able to breakthrough our limits as adults,
then the child will be able togrow beyond that glass ceiling.
I keep thinking in our gardenwe've got this tree fern and
(31:02):
we've got a roof over it and Ilook at this tree fern and I'm
thinking I need to cut a hole inthat roof so the tree fern can
grow.
We are not stunting it.
And that is the same withchildren.
You know children need to havespace and air and sky to grow
(31:28):
and the only way they can havethat is if we give ourselves air
and space and sky to grow.
So I hope that's helped youunderstand the difference
between when you go to yourchild's therapy session and you
see your child's therapist andyou know, let's talk about what
(31:49):
the child is needing in thatmoment in terms of strategies to
develop their skills in thehere and now and let's park
those bigger problems, morecomplex problems that we might
be having as parents in theparenting and park them and talk
about them with either theparent coach or the therapist if
(32:14):
they've got coaching skills orsomeone else at another time,
away from your child's time,because your child does need
their time with their therapist,just like you need your time
with your parent coach and yourtherapist.
I hope that has helped people tounderstand how we're working
(33:00):
and when I say we, that's how myTherapy House is starting to
work more and more now as partof a service provision, because
we believe a healthy parent,healthy child, a well-developed
parent, a well-developed child,a creative parent, a creative
child.
So we are not saying that thechild needs more or the parent
needs more.
They both need as much as eachother.
So 100% here and 100% there.
If you would like moreinformation about this, please
(33:23):
go to my website,danabeltutorscom.
I have an empowered parentprogram that you can join, and
at my therapy house, thetherapists are working with the
child, but they're also nowcoaching the parents at a
separate time to the child'stherapy sessions.
(33:44):
Happy being empowered, andyou're doing an amazing job,
parents.
It's not easy, but you have itinside you and you know that you
are amazing.
Okay, bye for now.
Hi parents and listeners, welcome to the
Empowered Parent Podcast with me, Dana Baltutis.
I just wanted to do a veryshort episode about child
therapy and parent coaching.
So my question today is whenare we the child's therapist and
(00:25):
when are we the parent coach?
So these days, especially inearly intervention, therapists
are being asked to work with thechild and the parent.
This means that the child andthe parent are both in the room
and often there might even be asibling present.
I definitely believe in thisapproach, as when the parent is
(00:50):
in the room of the therapeuticsession, the parent is learning
skills to support their child'sdevelopment.
So they're learning strategies.
They're learning how tointeract, how to communicate,
how to play, how to move, how tounderstand their child's
sensory profile, how tounderstand their how to play,
how to move, how to understandtheir child's sensory profile,
how to understand their ownsensory profile, how to
understand when we aresupporting the child as parents
(01:16):
and when we are challenging thechild.
For example, the speechpathologist may be working with
the child and parent to supportthe child's communication skills
and support the parent to learnskills to communicate with
their child, and the skills needto be meaningful for the child
(01:36):
and the parent.
The occupational therapist maybe working on the child's
regulation, body awareness,gross and fine motor skills and
supporting the parent to supportthe child at home in these
areas of development.
Similarly, the early childhoodeducator or as we at my Therapy
House call our early childhoodeducator, our development
(01:59):
through play therapist may beworking on the child's play and
social emotional skills throughplay and working with the parent
to learn how to play with theirchild, consolidate and extend
the child's play skills in a waythat is meaningful for the
child.
Now this often is difficultbecause as adults we've
(02:19):
forgotten how to play and Iremember when I first started to
play it was just a tea partyput the tea cups out, put the
spoons out, put the plates out,feed all my teddy bears and then
where do you go from there?
But since then, from our earlychildhood educator, I've learned
that play is extremely complexand have continued my study in
(02:45):
play, as have all our therapists.
So an example is when the childloves dinosaurs and the
parents' play skills are aroundtrains, tea parties and dolls,
then the therapist will beworking to extend the parents'
play around dinosaurs so theycan meet the child where they
are at and extend their playfrom there.
(03:07):
So it's really important atthese very early stages to
follow the child's interest andthe child's lead.
If we're not following thechild's interest and the child's
lead, the child may feel thatwe are not wanting to connect
with them and they will not wantto play with us in the future.
(03:30):
And play is really essentialbecause children learn
everything through play.
They learn how to, you know, dotheir daily tasks like dressing
, brushing their teeth, going tothe toilet, eating, drinking.
They learn how to share thosesocial emotional skills turn
(03:51):
take, be compassionate,understand, have empathy and
these are all the skills thatchildren learn in play.
And also taking on another'sperspective.
Learn in play and also takingon another's perspective.
And there needs to be a matchand someone needs to be more
flexible and adaptable in play.
If there is a mismatch ininterest between the adult and
(04:14):
child, and often it needs to bethe person with more cognitive
resources and capacity.
So that means it's the personthat can be more flexible and
more adaptable, and that isoften the adult or the parent.
So often it is the parent orthe adult playing with the child
(04:34):
that needs to follow thatchild's lead rather than have
the child copy what they'redoing, because more often than
not, if the child is notinterested in what you are
playing, they will disengagewith you During sessions.
This is where therapists goodtherapists working to transfer
(04:56):
their knowledge and skills tothe main carer of the child, so
that's the parent excel byworking with the parent to model
and teach them strategies theyare using with their child, or
adapt and tweak strategies thatthe parent is using to support
the child even more.
So, for example, the parentmight be asking quite a few
(05:21):
questions of the child, so thetherapist might suggest asking
less questions and having morecomments, or more silence or
more vocalizations like hmm,just to allow the child to have
space to respond and to initiateresponses, responses.
(05:49):
The other thing is the childmay have various sensory motor
sensitivities or, on the otherend of the spectrum, they might
have sensory motor needs.
So they might be jumping aroundor throwing themselves into a
cushion.
And if a parent is softlyspoken and very careful in their
movements, then there will be amismatch between the parent and
child.
(06:10):
So the therapist works with theparent to support them in
supporting their child's needfor movement.
And when the child is moving,that's when they're learning.
Often they're interacting,engaging, communicating, sharing
(06:32):
attention.
Sometimes in the sessions theparents will have other things
they would like to talk about,such as issues the parent may be
having with the child's likechildcare or kindy or school
medication changes and so on,and they're often seeking advice
and support and recommendationsfrom the therapist.
And often, you know, it couldeven be like the child's been
(06:55):
invited to a birthday party.
How does the parent prepare thechild for a birthday party?
They might have behavioralstruggles or they might be
sensitive to certain foods orsensitive to certain
environmental sounds or visualthings in the environment to the
(07:16):
therapist aroundrecommendations and how they,
the parent, can adapt theirskills and adapt their way of
being interacting, playing,communicating with the child to
(07:36):
support the child.
This is when the therapisttakes off their child therapy
hat and puts on their parentcoaching hat.
The parent coaching hat isneeded when the issues the
parent is bringing to thesession are out of scope of what
the child is learning in thesession.
(07:57):
So often I see when the parentand the therapist and child are
in the room and the child ishaving a huge learning spurt in
that session around a particularexperience and the parent might
interrupt that learning spurtwith what is on their mind in
(08:21):
that moment.
Now that is very valid to theparent and the therapist wants
to validate that.
But the therapist also wants tovalidate what the child is
doing in that moment and supportthe parent to support their
child in that learning moment.
So it's often hard fortherapists to wear both hats
(08:43):
simultaneously.
That's where they are the childtherapist, with supporting the
parent, learn the strategiesthat the therapist is using to
support the child in the moment,as well as coaching the parent
with their worries and withtheir concerns and questions,
(09:08):
which may not be related to whatthe child is specifically doing
in that moment.
And the parent coaching hat isneeded often, needed often.
(09:30):
And you know we need to reallyrespect coaching and understand
that we can't do coaching on thefly.
Like good coaching takes time.
Good coaching needs anenvironment where the parent and
the coach the parent coach areare able to spend time
unravelling some of the issuesand also talking about that
(09:51):
deeply.
When the therapist works tocoach the parent, they listen
deeply and find out what theparent's concerns are.
So that could be a problem, anissue at school, a struggle, a
worry about what family membersmay be saying, and so on and so
(10:13):
forth, and we work in thatmoment.
As parent coaches, we work withthe parent to come up with
solutions.
Sometimes the parent coach,when they're working with the
parent, come up with solutions.
Sometimes the parent coach,when they're working with the
parent, need to break throughsome of the parent's limiting
beliefs, decisions, perceptionsand even unwarranted negative
(10:38):
emotions so the parent isclearer in thinking about
themselves, their capacities andtheir child.
Often parents come to us andsay I really don't know what to
do, I'm beside myself, I'moverwhelmed.
This has really baffled me.
And often the answers arewithin us and, like I keep
(11:01):
repeating that you know we havegot the answers in our
unconscious mind but for somereason there is a block.
We can't get to those answersNow.
The block may be that the parentmay feel that they are being
judged by other family members,they're being judged by the
(11:22):
community.
They might feel guilty.
You know some people are stillstruggling with their child's
challenges and feel that theyare somehow responsible for
those challenges.
So that's where the parentcoach can work with the parent
around their feelings of perhapsanger, sadness, fear, grief,
(11:49):
shame, frustration.
These are all feelings that areabsolutely natural and normal
to have as a parent.
So that's where it's reallyimperative to work with a very
good coach that will enable youto break through those emotions,
(12:11):
without delving deep into yourwhole family history, and come
out of the process feeling thatyou have more clarity, that you
have more resilience, morestrength and that you are
empowered to make very cleardecisions around your own
(12:33):
wellbeing, happiness, mentalhealth, spiritual health,
physical health, emotionalhealth and that of your child's.
And it's important that thecoach works with the parent to
get outcomes for the parentaround what they are wanting.
(12:54):
So the same person can be thechild's therapist and work to
support the child's developmentand to support the development
of the parent's strategies whenthey're supporting their child.
But also the same person canwork as a parent coach to
(13:16):
support the parent around theirchallenges and their obstacles
that might be hindering theirlearning in that moment of the
strategies that the therapist isteaching them.
So you know, there's someexamples that come to mind, and
(13:38):
one is that what if the parentdoesn't want to move their child
to the next childcare room orkindy environment, or even to
school?
When the coach asks the rightquestions, the parent may say
(14:00):
they want the child to feelcomfortable in their childcare
facility or in their kindyfacility or in their school
facility and not feel anxiousand have good relationships like
they are currently having inwhatever they are doing.
So whatever the child is doing,and when the coach works with
(14:23):
the parent to go even deeper andinto these limiting beliefs
that the child will not be okayif they move.
And of course there will betimes that the child can't move
from one environment to anotherbecause of their neurology and
they may not be ready to move.
But often the child may beready to move or ready to
(14:47):
develop to the next level orstep up to the next milestone,
but the parent is still highlyanxious and highly cautious
about the child moving and theirneurology then triggers the
child's neurology because that'sall about attachment theory and
(15:07):
mirror neurons.
So we need to be very wary ofthat.
And the parent so when thecoach asks the parent around
that situation, you know things.
Other things might come to thesurface.
So, for example, that theparent may not want their child
(15:28):
to lose their current supportstaff because the parent trusts
them and has built strongrelationships with them.
And it is very difficult totrust people with your child,
especially a vulnerable child,especially a child that may be
non-speaking yet, with newadults all the time, after
(15:50):
you've done all that trainingfor a year or two years, et
cetera and it might actually bethe parent not feeling
comfortable informing newrelationships and explaining the
child's situations all overagain.
The parent may be projectingtheir own insecurities on the
(16:13):
child.
For example, the parent mayfeel like they don't like
changes and don't want anythingto change for them and their
child because they want to feelsafe in this little cocoon and
therefore they think the childdoesn't like change and changing
environments.
So it's really the coach cansupport parents to look deep
(16:37):
within themselves and see whatis it about them that may be
projecting some of these beliefs, thoughts, decisions onto the
child.
And often, you know, it is verydifficult because often our
(16:58):
unconscious has been programmedsince we were little ourselves
and we don't even know why weare thinking like that.
We might believe that we aredoing something that is right
for the child, but it may bethat we are afraid of something,
(17:19):
we are afraid to let go ofsomething, we are afraid to
change something as adults andwe portray that on our children.
So that's what a coach can workwith the parent with to
determine.
Is that an underlying processthat's occurring?
Because it may not be, but italso may be and you know the
(17:45):
parent may feel they don't havegood supports for themselves in
that moment in time so they maynot want the child to go to the
next, you know, childcare room,kindy school, because they might
feel like they're losing theirsupports.
(18:07):
Because a lot of families, a lotof parents who are raising
neurodivergent beautifulchildren feel very isolated and
feel very misunderstood and feelvery lonely because you know it
is hard to find like-minded,like-minded communities.
(18:32):
So as a parent coach, we workon supporting the parent to have
confidence and trust themselvesand assert themselves and feel
proud of being a parent of aneurodivergent child.
And sometimes the parents areneurodivergent themselves and
may not even know this yet,because it is very difficult to
if you are in the neurodivergentbody and mind and heart and
(18:56):
soul, that's who you are, youknow, and we don't really have
time to reflect on our own, Iguess, our own way of perceiving
the world and what we areprojecting on others.
And that's why it is reallyimportant for coaches to support
(19:21):
parents to investigate this andexplore and discover themselves
.
And, like I said, it'simportant that the parent coach
works through the parent'sperceptions, projections and
beliefs around a particularissue they perceive their child
may be having and breaks throughthese perceptions, projections
(19:42):
and beliefs and clears anylimiting decisions and emotions.
So it's basically lifting theveil and supporting the parent
to see something else, becausewhen we are viewing the world
from our own lens, then we areviewing the world from our own
lens.
We are on an automatic pilotand we think the world is like
(20:08):
that and it's really importantto have someone else work with
you to maybe lift that veil alittle bit slowly, not all of a
sudden so it blinds you, butlift it slowly so you are able
to, you know, pick out of thatveil and see that there is
(20:29):
another way of perceiving, beingand experiencing your world as
a parent and therefore givingthat gift to your child and many
of these limiting decisions andemotions and beliefs.
These are structures and theyare deep seated into our
(20:53):
unconscious minds and, like Isaid, only 5% of our behavior
and thoughts are from theconscious mind.
Only 5% of our behavior andthoughts are from the conscious
mind and that's the mind thatwe're aware of and the rest come
(21:13):
or stem from the unconsciousmind.
So that is the mind that we arenot aware of.
A parent coach will work withthe parent, using different
techniques to make theunconscious conscious and
therefore supporting the parentto change their beliefs and
(21:34):
thought patterns.
Now, if the parent or theperson doesn't want their
beliefs and thought patternschanged and they want to
continue down that road thatthey're on, that is fine.
Nothing will change yourbeliefs and thought patterns if
you do not want.
But if you want to betteryourself and see a different
(21:54):
point of view and break out ofsome of the worries and
struggles and concerns andpatterns and problems that keep
repeating themselves,relationships, interactions that
keep repeating themselves andthat may not be healthy for you
or your child, that's whenworking with a very skilled
(22:20):
parent coach is extremelyimportant and to work not only
through the conscious but alsothrough the unconscious.
So, as a parent listening tothis podcast and listening to
this episode, think about yourchild's therapy sessions.
(22:40):
Okay, so think about yourchild's therapy sessions.
Are they for your child or foryou, or are they for both of you
?
And I guess you know therapysessions are not usually very
long and the child takes time towarm up and get going in the
(23:01):
therapy session and learn andthe parent also needs time to be
listened to and coached to seea different way or to learn
different strategies.
So the parent will have twohats on in the therapy session
They'll be there to support thechild and then they will be
(23:25):
there to support themselves as aparent.
So you know, that's a lot ofwork for the therapist to be
doing in that session okay, ofwork for the therapist to be
doing in that session Okay.
And also, when you are talkingabout the child in front of the
child, that is really notrespectful to the child, okay.
(23:47):
So we I know at my therapyhouse and I'm sure a lot of
other therapists always saylet's talk about some of the
issues the child might be havingnot in front of the child,
because what we say, that's whatbecomes.
And if I say something like, oh, my child is always having
(24:10):
meltdowns, I mean, although youthink the child doesn't
understand that at some levelthey do and they will even have
more meltdowns, because you arelabeling that child as someone
that has meltdowns.
So it's really really importantthat we are consciously aware
(24:31):
of the thoughts we're having,the language we're having, the
emotions that we are showing toour child.
And if, for example, like inattachment theory say, for
example, you are very worriedabout your child and you know
you're showing sort of like aworried affect or facial like a
(24:59):
worried affect or facialexpression and affect on your
face or you know a concernedfacial expression, so think
about it.
Every time the child lookstowards you to you know to find
someone that is collaboratingwith them and is celebrating
them and is rejoicing, and theysee your face that is worried
and concerned and withdrawn, thechild will start to get worried
(25:26):
, withdrawn, concerned and theywill play that out in a way that
is in their neurology.
So that could be in terms ofexpressing themselves, in terms
of their behavior.
So that means they might notwant to interact, not want to
play, they might hit, they mightkick, they might scream, or
(25:49):
they might totally withdraw andnot want to interact and not
want to speak to you or interactwith your play with you.
So it's really, really importantthat we clean these unconscious
things up, because theunconscious does seep through
our body.
We actually carry ourunconscious on ourselves and I
(26:14):
know myself if I'm worried aboutsomething.
I'm walking differently, I'mstooping a little bit.
My husband always knows and hesays are you okay?
I'm like, yeah, what makes yousay that?
Because I may not even be awareat that point that I'm not okay
, because that is somewhere deepin my unconscious.
And then maybe after a day ortwo, I might say you know what?
(26:35):
I really think that reallyaffected me.
You know, whatever theexperience was or I didn't
realize, this is what I've beenthinking about the whole time.
So this is why it's reallyimportant to work with a coach
to really clean those internalstates up so we are able to be
(26:56):
in a state of mind and in astate of emotion that is
positive and that is affirmingand that is accepting of our
child in that moment.
And you know, that doesn't meanthat we all have to be
(27:16):
Pollyanna, no, but that doesmean that we need to think about
you know, what am I holding inand how am I projecting all that
energy onto someone so littlethat can't carry that?
Because children are extremelyvulnerable.
They are very sensitive toenergy, they are very astute and
(27:42):
if I can't hold the child inthat moment, in terms of my
emotional availability, then thechild ends up holding me and
that is not a good place for achild to be, because they are
not cognitively, emotionally,spiritually, mentally equipped
(28:02):
to do that, whereas we are, andwe may not think we are in that
moment, and that's why we need acoach to help us there with
that.
And this is where I'm saying youknow, if you need help in order
(28:25):
to clear some of this baggage,or clear some of these feelings,
or clear some of these thoughts, then book in extra time for
yourself with a parent coach andlook if your therapist can
coach you and have got theskills and techniques to do that
your child's therapist thendefinitely do that.
(28:47):
If you've got a counselor thatcan do that, definitely do that.
If you've got a psychologist ormental health practitioner,
social worker, definitely dothat.
If you've got a psychologist ormental health practitioner,
social worker, definitely dothat.
I think that's really important.
But the word coach is differentto therapy because coach works
in the present and into thefuture, okay.
(29:08):
And the coach can also help youclear some thought patterns and
emotional patterns so you areable to be clear and committed
to yourself and your child'sdevelopment.
And sometimes the worries andthoughts we have unconsciously
and energetically influence ourchild from developing to their
(29:30):
full potential.
Okay, so that's reallyimportant.
Full potential Okay, so that'sreally important.
Sometimes the worries andthoughts we have unconsciously
and energetically influence ourchild from developing into their
full potential, because thechild is using the energy to
hold our stuff as adults.
(29:50):
Okay, the child is not able tofully express themselves, to be
themselves, to be theirbeautiful, creative, unique self
.
They are trying to moldthemselves so that we are happy
as their parents and that waythey lose part of themselves and
(30:14):
then they grow into adults.
That then they're carrying ourstuff into their life and it
sort of continues from there.
And when we as adults andparents break through our limits
and unproductive thoughtpatterns and worries, then our
child, our child, will not haveto carry that and will break
(30:39):
through their limits.
Okay, so it's like a ceiling,it's like the glass ceiling.
Once we are able to breakthrough our limits as adults,
then the child will be able togrow beyond that glass ceiling.
I keep thinking in our gardenwe've got this tree fern and
(31:02):
we've got a roof over it and Ilook at this tree fern and I'm
thinking I need to cut a hole inthat roof so the tree fern can
grow.
We are not stunting it.
And that is the same withchildren.
You know children need to havespace and air and sky to grow
(31:28):
and the only way they can havethat is if we give ourselves air
and space and sky to grow.
So I hope that's helped youunderstand the difference
between when you go to yourchild's therapy session and you
see your child's therapist andyou know, let's talk about what
(31:49):
the child is needing in thatmoment in terms of strategies to
develop their skills in thehere and now and let's park
those bigger problems, morecomplex problems that we might
be having as parents in theparenting and park them and talk
about them with either theparent coach or the therapist if
(32:14):
they've got coaching skills orsomeone else at another time,
away from your child's time,because your child does need
their time with their therapist,just like you need your time
with your parent coach and yourtherapist.
I hope that has helped people tounderstand how we're working
(33:00):
and when I say we, that's how myTherapy House is starting to
work more and more now as partof a service provision, because
we believe a healthy parent,healthy child, a well-developed
parent, a well-developed child,a creative parent, a creative
child.
So we are not saying that thechild needs more or the parent
needs more.
They both need as much as eachother.
So 100% here and 100% there.
If you would like moreinformation about this, please
(33:23):
go to my website,danabeltutorscom.
I have an empowered parentprogram that you can join, and
at my therapy house, thetherapists are working with the
child, but they're also nowcoaching the parents at a
separate time to the child'stherapy sessions.
(33:44):
Happy being empowered, andyou're doing an amazing job,
parents.
It's not easy, but you have itinside you and you know that you
are amazing.
Okay, bye for now.
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