July 25, 2023 • 19 mins
Is it okay to want anything you want? I mean ANYTHING.
There's a trending topic going around the inter-webs of a text message Jonah Hill sends to a girlfriend at the time making some big demands. The consensus tends to be that Jonah is being a giant A$$ Hole and has no right to ask for what he's asking.
He 100% has every right to ask for what asked for. Now before you start bashing me….
She has 100% every right to tell him NO and leave him.
Jonah even acknowledges that this is what she should do in the message!
This is a major lesson for this to me…
"It's okay to desire ANYTHING you want, but that doesn't mean you should get EVERYTHING that you want. "
Could Jonah Hill have been more skillful? Absolutely.
I mean the guy has a documentary about his therapist, so I'm guessing he acknowledges that he has issues that can be worked on and sees how he could do much of his past better.
You might also be thinking…."It can't be okay to want <Insert Taboo Here>?" I'm going to tell you that YES, even that is okay to desire. Again, this doesn't mean it should come true, often what we want isn't what we need, it's often just a step to that understanding.
What's something you think shouldn't be allowed to be desired? I'll explain to you why it's okay. Please keep in mind the guidelines of the platform in how you express yourself though so that people can actually see the discussion.
Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!
Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!
Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Justin Wenck (00:07):
Hi, I'm Justin Wenck, PhD, and you're listening
to the engineering emotions andenergy podcast. Are you ready to
bust burnout, pursue yourpassion have more time, money,
energy, and relationships youactually love, including the
relationship with yourself. Ifso, then this podcast is for
you. I'm a best selling author,coach, consultant, speaker, and
(00:30):
a leader in transformingpeople's lives from living in
fear, obligation and guilt, toliving a life of joy, ease and
love. What's most important isthat I can teach you all this in
a way that's enjoyable, easy,fast, and can actually last,
let's begin. Welcome to theshow. And today I am talking
about, it's okay to wantanything, and I'm talking
(00:52):
anything and this is the JonahHill, I want to die on. Now,
what does that mean? So there'sbeen a lot of controversy going
around a surfaced text fromJonah Hill, to an ex girlfriend.
And usually I don't weigh in on,you know, the hot takes and the
things in the culture, get,there's something about this,
(01:14):
that I think brings up a veryimportant point that I really
want us to get at, which is whyI'm tight on the show, it's okay
to want anything you want.
Because the consensus seems tobe that it's not okay to want
anything, that you should onlywant things that are okay with
other people. So I'm going todive into it. And I'm going to
read you the message, I have thetext of the message that's going
(01:34):
out there. So you will have themessage in completion. And we'll
dive into it. And what I know isthat you can tell all about a
person and the relationship fromone message. And so we're going
to be able to know everythingabout these people. Just
kidding. But we're going to useit as a teaching tool. And it's
going to be really informative,and really fun. And I do want I
do want to do a one of myfavorite quotes from a Jonah
(01:58):
Hill movie, the movie Superbad,which I think is now like 20
years old. He's in high school,and it's about him and Michael
Cera, they just want to get somealcohol so that they can impress
these girls at a party. And it'sa really dirty, hilarious movie.
And there's this one scene whereit turns out that that Seth,
which is the character JonahHill plays when he was younger,
(02:21):
in fourth grade, he had a bit ofa condition. And it goes a
little something like this. WhenI was a little kid, I kind of
have this problem. And it's noteven a big deal. But something
like 8% of kids do it for somereason. I don't know why I would
just kind of he just sit aroundall day and drop pictures of
dicks. You know, like a Mandic.
(02:44):
I just sit there for hours onend drawn dicks. I don't know
what it was. I couldn't get yourpen to paper without drawing the
shape of a penis. It's reallyfucked up here. I am a little
kid and I can't stop drawingdicks to save my life. So just
listen, like I mean, eventuallythey ended up calling my parents
principal is a religious fanaticthinks I'm possessed by some
sort of Dick devil. My parentstake me to go see some
(03:04):
therapist. And he's asking meall of these deep questions.
They literally stopped me fromeating foods that were shaped
like Dick's. Imagine that. Nohotdogs, no pastas? Do you know
how many foods are shaped likeDick's the best kinds, the best
kinds. So it's almost like inthat movie all those years ago,
setting up for this exact issuewhere it's pointing out that
(03:25):
often what we want what wedesire. It's not even
consciously something. It's justit's almost a compulsion. And
you might be going like, well,that's why we got to shut down
desires and things like that.
And I'm going to explain to youwhy that is 100% not the case,
we should be encouraging alldesires. And this is going to be
very different from having alldesires be met. So we'll be
getting that. But first, I wantto get a little bit into what's
(03:49):
going on with me what's comingup. So I'm getting ready to go
on a big adventure for thesummer. I'm a big travel. If
you've been following me for anylength of time, you know that I
like to travel I like to doadventurous things. I like to
have experiences and then I liketo bring the teachings the
adventure to you. And so comingup going to be going to Costa
(04:11):
Rica wouldn't be going toGuatemala gonna be going to
Tulum, Mexico. And so I reallywould encourage you if you're
not following me on you know,the Instagram the tickety
talkity, the Facebook theory orthe LinkedIn ads, then go you
know, Justin Wenck PhD find mefollow me because you're not
going to want to miss thepictures, the videos to the
post. I'm also gonna be doingpodcasts recorded live there. So
(04:32):
make sure you are subscribed tothe engineering emotions and
energy podcast. And you know,while you're there subscribing,
why not Rated five stars, letother people know what you get
from this and then you know,you're at it. It's in your mind
you're doing things for thepodcast, share it with a friend,
let them know like, hey, somegreat shits about to come up
this guy is going to be youknow, there could be a volcano
(04:53):
in the background of one of hisupcoming podcasts for all you
know, so I don't know I don'tknow just A possible highly
likely preview. So I'm gettingexcited getting things ready
prepped for that I'm leaving inlike less than a week got a
friend is going to be staying atmy place to watch it while I'm
gone. So super, super excitedabout that. And I just got some
(05:13):
information about the audiobook, the audiobook has been
submitted to Audible for Amazon.
And then also I guess, iTunesfor their audiobooks, anywhere
audiobooks. So it's in theprocess of being reviewed. The
thing with audiobooks, we don'tknow exactly how long that could
take could take a week couldtake two months, it'll be out
(05:34):
when it's out, when I have agood idea that it's out gonna be
doing a little audio booklaunch, do something special,
got some fun things in theworks. So again, other reasons
to keep following, keep payingattention, also get on my email
list. So you go to Justinwenck.com/podcast. And if you're
on the list for the podcasts,you'll get notices for these
(05:56):
other things, too. So that's,that's a lot of fun, exciting
things going on. So onto thetopic at hand. So what is the
internet all abuzz about? Whatis this message, that actor
Jonah Hill is getting a lot of alot of shit for it, I'm not
gonna say that he's he did thisperfectly. But when you read
(06:19):
closely, you see that he's hedid a lot of things, right. So
let's, let's start. So hemessages his girlfriend at the
time. And I think this is evenit even has it in the message
December 2 2021. So you know,we're talking just 23 days
before Christmas. So this isalso a very stressful time in
any relationship, right? You'recoming off a Thanksgiving, you
(06:39):
got Christmas coming up, couldbe Hanukkah, whatever it is,
it's the holiday season. Sothere's a lot of pressure on a
lot of relationships. So hesays, plain and simple. If you
need surfing with men,boundaryless and appropriate
friendships with men, to modelto post pictures of yourself in
a bathing suit, to post sexualpictures, friendships with women
(07:00):
who are in unstable places, andfrom your wild recent past
beyond getting a lunch or coffeeor something respectful. I'm not
the right partner for you. Sosome context that I've learned
is that who he was going outwith was a surfer and a model.
So a lot of the things he'srequesting are very out of
alignment with how she lives herlife. And so the immediate
(07:23):
response is this fucking assholetelling this woman not to do
what makes her happy, what makesher money, what makes her who
she is. And, again, there'ssomething to that where but if
we continue on with the message,he then goes on to say, I am not
the right, if you want to dothese things, which is base if
you want to, if you want to dowhat you're doing, if you want
(07:44):
to be who you really are, I amnot the right partner for you.
These things bring you to aplace of happiness, I support
it. And there will be no hardfeelings. These are my
boundaries for romanticpartnership. Now there ends up
being some debate about is usingboundaries appropriately. And
one could say, you know, maybeyou should, these are my desires
(08:04):
in a romantic partnership, Ithink that would have been a
better use of the word. Butreally, boundaries is something
that we put up to keep ourselvessafe so that we don't get
harmed. And I'm guessing hisstate of mind is that she's
doing these things, and he'sfeeling he's feeling hurt.
There's something that comes in,probably, I would guess a lot of
insecurities. And he'sexpressing that he doesn't want
(08:28):
to feel that way. Yet. He isalso acknowledging that she has
agency that she can opt out ofthe relationship. And I'm
assuming she probably did.
That's what she totally shouldhave done. Because she shouldn't
have to change who she is. Yet.
It's amazing that he expressedwhat he wanted, what he what
(08:48):
he's desiring what he wants in arelationship at that time where
he's at. And Jonah Hill, he oneof his documentaries, it's been
big on Netflix is bout him andhis therapist, right. So I'm
sure he'd be the first toacknowledge that he probably has
had some challenges that he'shad to overcome through his
life. And maybe it hasn't alwaysbeen, you know, said things or
(09:11):
done things that were the mostskillful indiscernible, I don't
know. But he even like sayslike, Hey, I support you and
doing what makes you happy. Justthis is where I'm at. And so
clearly, they were just notmeant to be a good couple
together. And there's nothingwrong with that. We should be
going like, okay, it's so goodthat he put that out. So then
she's like, Oh, shit, yeah,I am not going to be that woman
(09:32):
for you. And they can both movealong. And he can continue to
work on his stuff and she cancontinue to live an amazing life
and go find a man that's goingto be like, That's the fucking
sounds awesome. Like I love youknow what you do what you put
out there, the people you'rehanging with like you, do you
because I'm a big believer thatthere's always there's always
somebody out there that is, youknow, for us to benefit us in
(09:53):
the way that we're wanting to bebenefited. And sometimes that's
going to be a bunch of Rama,yeah, when you get over the
drama, then you get into a lotof love and a lot of amazing,
beautiful stuff. And clearly,this was a time when there was
some drama. So this is somethingwhere he expressed really
wanted, and I'm guessing hedidn't get it, and he shouldn't
have gotten it yet. Hey, maybethere is a woman that would be
(10:16):
like, Oh my gosh, yeah, I lovethese bounds. And yeah, I don't
want to go surfing, I don't wantto be in relationship with men.
There's people that wantanything and everything. Because
one of the things that I've beenexploring and diving into a
little bit is kink culture, youknow, what are these things that
usually are considered taboo andnot allowed? And recognizing
(10:36):
that these people in thesecommunities, they're really big
on? Well, let's let's express,it's okay to want anything, then
it's well, how do you go aboutit so that, you know, people are
safe, so that nobody's beingharmed, so that, you know,
nobody's doing anything theydon't truly want to do, which,
to me, I think is a beautifulway to go about stuff that the
(10:59):
desire is okay, because, again,going back to the beginning,
where Seth Jonah's character andSuperbad, he just he just wanted
to draw dicks just wanted todraw dicks, there was probably
some underlying need, that wasthere. And if the desire doesn't
get to be spoken, then we don'tget to get to the underlying
(11:19):
desire, right. So there'sprobably a really underlying
desire of like, oh, wanting tofeel like secure and safe and
relationship, and this desire ofjust all just make sure you do
everything I want. That's justthe surface thing. So when we
let out what we desire, we canthen get to whatever that deeper
(11:40):
need is, because sometimes whatwe want is just a symptom of
something that we really, trulyneed. This is something that
I've had to learn in my coachingbusiness, is to both deliver
what somebody wants and whatthey need. So, you know, like,
people, people want to have anamazing experience, where
they're relaxed and calm, andall that. So really, what they
(12:03):
need is meditation. So I deliversomething that does both of
that. Now, you might be goinglike Justin, can it really be
okay to want anything? And I'msaying yes. And actually, the
more that we were, we wouldallow people some grace, when
they express a desire a want,probably, the less you would see
(12:23):
a lot of the shadow sides ofthese unfulfilled, hidden,
shameful desires come out.
Because it's like one of thosethings. It's like, if someone
goes, like, I want someone to dowhat I want, when I want, all
the time. And it's like, okay,that's in some regards. That's
called slavery. But then inother regards, there could be
(12:45):
like, well, that can be of itslike, do you really need that
all the time? Probably not.
Maybe you just want toexperience for like, an hour or
two. And then maybe somebody'slike, well, you know what, I
just don't want to have to thinkfor a while, it'd be great. If
just, somebody did some said, dothis do that I just did. And I
didn't have to think about it, Iknow it's going to be okay. And
in two hours, I'm going to, youknow, get my autonomy back. But
(13:08):
I would just like to set thataside for a little bit and play
a little game of, I'll dowhatever you want, and somebody
else's to play the game ofsomebody's going to do
everything that I want. And sowhen we expressed the desire, we
can then think of healthy waysto maybe satisfy these, or if
there is no way, you know,because maybe it's like, I want
to kill somebody. It's like,okay, well, clearly, there's no
(13:30):
safe way to kill someone. Butlet's let's maybe get behind
that. What is causing thatdesire, it's, oh, this person
has been taking away some deepneed, and well, what is being
taken away? And is there a waymaybe that person doesn't even
know about it? And we're, maybeit's a misappropriation that
(13:51):
that person should provide thatneed? And maybe we got to find
some other person or place orway to fulfill that need. And
then it's like, oh, well, Iguess I don't really need to
kill that person. That's okay.
So I'm so glad that this hasn'tbeen a whole big to do and I
don't know I'm really curiouswhat what people think if they
(14:12):
agree that you know, yeah, Jonahcould have been a little bit
more skillful yet. He's He'sputting out there what he wants,
which is clearly not going to bepopular, clearly not going to
work out well. It didn't yet hedid it. He put it out there. And
in some ways a pride benefited.
Because let this you know, thissounds like a really amazing
woman that does like a lot ofcool things, you know, surfing
(14:32):
and modeling and probably doinglike really cool adventure
stuff. So that she could move onwith her life, as opposed to
like him going, like, Oh, that'sokay. I don't know. But then
he's secretly miserable, andprobably is doing all these
little cutting chavvy remarksand cutting her down and they
just go on for years, decades,whatever. And she eventually
gives up all the things sheloves. Because she feels like
(14:54):
well, I don't think he's reallyhappy but he says he is but
there's just something about it.
So, it can be uncomfortable whensomeone tells us flat out, Hey,
this is what I want. But youalso have the right to go, Hey,
no, I'm not giving that to you,whatever, I'm glad you want
that. I hope you figuresomething out. But that's not
(15:14):
for me. Those things are bothokay? It's okay to want, it's
okay to say, Nope, not going toprovide it. And so I'm really
glad this came out, so we can betalking about it. And I really
do believe that anything,anything, it's okay to desire,
literally anything, doesn't meanthat any desire should be
fulfilled, there is a very twodistinct things. And I bet you
(15:37):
that if you send me somethingwhere you're like, Justin, it
can't be okay for somebody towant to do XYZ. I can figure out
a way to show you that. Nope,that desire totally okay. And
doesn't necessarily mean thatthey should get it, you know,
because I mean, one could arguethat, hey, I think the whole
world should end like it's justa complete mess. And there's a
(15:59):
lot there's a lot of rationalreasons why No, that's the other
thing is it, there doesn't haveto be a rational reason for
desire. Desire just is becauseultimately, there's no reason to
want anything, anything. Becauseeventually go like, Well, why do
you want that? Why do you wantthat? Why do you want that? And
that best you're gonna get?
Well, because it brings up thisfeeling. Or maybe somebody goes
(16:19):
to like, well, because God saidso. But then you could always go
well, so why why do you wantthat feeling? Or why do you
think God said? So? Again,there's ultimately no reason for
why anything should be a thing.
Other than that, it's just, it'sjust to see where it goes. Life
in many ways is just a game. Soare you enjoying the game?
(16:41):
Because there really is, thereis no end, the end begins a new
beginning. And so are youenjoying the process, or you're
joining the journey, much likethe trip I'm about to go on,
there really is no point toanything in the trip. It's just
to have the experiences while onthe trip. And I will be sharing
those with you. And I will beletting you know, what I learn
(17:04):
and what I experienced. So youcan benefit from that. And then
that helps guide you on whatjourneys you wish to take on
your own. Because you might golike, holy shit, I never knew
that Guatemala was like that.
Now I want to go where you mightgo, oh, fuck, I'd always heard
so much about Costa Rica andwanting to go now that I see
what you've done and gone. Like,it just really doesn't sound
(17:25):
interesting. So I'm not gonnago. Great. And then you can
figure out what game you want toplay. What? What journey you
want to go on, what's the storythat you want to tell? This is
your life. And any type of storyyou want to tell be a part of?
It's, it's okay. It's all okay.
I'm telling you, whatever youwant. Whatever you desire, it's
(17:48):
okay. It's how you go about it.
That's where the discernment,that's where the magic happens
is, well, what do you do with itnow that now that it's out
there, that you want to havethat kind of job that you want
to be in that kind ofrelationship? That you want to
have a body that allows you todo these types of activities?
Now that you've put that outthere? Okay, how are you going
to work with that? And that's, Ilove all that stuff, getting out
(18:11):
what is it you really want? Andthen how do you make it actually
happen in a way that is safe,and sustainable and doable?
Right. And that's, that's a bigthing of what's in my book,
engineered to love going beyondsuccess to fulfillment, the
audio book coming soon. So,yeah, so if you're like, I can't
be okay to want to quit my joband, you know, become a serf
(18:33):
model. I'm gonna say, I thinkit's totally okay. It's totally
okay. And it's totally okay, ifsomebody's upset by that. And
then how do you work with that?
And that's one of the things Ilike to do in my coaching. And
that's why things a lot of toolsin my book are for. So thank you
so much for listening.
Definitely. podcast at Justinwenck.com. If you got any
(18:55):
comments, suggestions, becauseI'm really curious, what's
something where you're justlike, No, Justin, there's no way
that this is okay. I'm verycurious. Let's get a
conversation going. So, thanksso much. Take care. I'm going to
be getting ready for my travelscoming up really soon. There
might be one more podcast that Irecord before I start my trip.
But my plan is to do a goodamount on location. So at least
(19:18):
three on location. So veryexcited you should be to or not.
It's up to you. But I want youto be excited and it's okay that
I want you to be excited. Sowith that, thank you and good
day.
Hi, I'm Justin Wenck, PhD, and you're listening
to the engineering emotions andenergy podcast. Are you ready to
bust burnout, pursue yourpassion have more time, money,
energy, and relationships youactually love, including the
relationship with yourself. Ifso, then this podcast is for
you. I'm a best selling author,coach, consultant, speaker, and
(00:30):
a leader in transformingpeople's lives from living in
fear, obligation and guilt, toliving a life of joy, ease and
love. What's most important isthat I can teach you all this in
a way that's enjoyable, easy,fast, and can actually last,
let's begin. Welcome to theshow. And today I am talking
about, it's okay to wantanything, and I'm talking
(00:52):
anything and this is the JonahHill, I want to die on. Now,
what does that mean? So there'sbeen a lot of controversy going
around a surfaced text fromJonah Hill, to an ex girlfriend.
And usually I don't weigh in on,you know, the hot takes and the
things in the culture, get,there's something about this,
(01:14):
that I think brings up a veryimportant point that I really
want us to get at, which is whyI'm tight on the show, it's okay
to want anything you want.
Because the consensus seems tobe that it's not okay to want
anything, that you should onlywant things that are okay with
other people. So I'm going todive into it. And I'm going to
read you the message, I have thetext of the message that's going
(01:34):
out there. So you will have themessage in completion. And we'll
dive into it. And what I know isthat you can tell all about a
person and the relationship fromone message. And so we're going
to be able to know everythingabout these people. Just
kidding. But we're going to useit as a teaching tool. And it's
going to be really informative,and really fun. And I do want I
do want to do a one of myfavorite quotes from a Jonah
(01:58):
Hill movie, the movie Superbad,which I think is now like 20
years old. He's in high school,and it's about him and Michael
Cera, they just want to get somealcohol so that they can impress
these girls at a party. And it'sa really dirty, hilarious movie.
And there's this one scene whereit turns out that that Seth,
which is the character JonahHill plays when he was younger,
(02:21):
in fourth grade, he had a bit ofa condition. And it goes a
little something like this. WhenI was a little kid, I kind of
have this problem. And it's noteven a big deal. But something
like 8% of kids do it for somereason. I don't know why I would
just kind of he just sit aroundall day and drop pictures of
dicks. You know, like a Mandic.
(02:44):
I just sit there for hours onend drawn dicks. I don't know
what it was. I couldn't get yourpen to paper without drawing the
shape of a penis. It's reallyfucked up here. I am a little
kid and I can't stop drawingdicks to save my life. So just
listen, like I mean, eventuallythey ended up calling my parents
principal is a religious fanaticthinks I'm possessed by some
sort of Dick devil. My parentstake me to go see some
(03:04):
therapist. And he's asking meall of these deep questions.
They literally stopped me fromeating foods that were shaped
like Dick's. Imagine that. Nohotdogs, no pastas? Do you know
how many foods are shaped likeDick's the best kinds, the best
kinds. So it's almost like inthat movie all those years ago,
setting up for this exact issuewhere it's pointing out that
(03:25):
often what we want what wedesire. It's not even
consciously something. It's justit's almost a compulsion. And
you might be going like, well,that's why we got to shut down
desires and things like that.
And I'm going to explain to youwhy that is 100% not the case,
we should be encouraging alldesires. And this is going to be
very different from having alldesires be met. So we'll be
getting that. But first, I wantto get a little bit into what's
(03:49):
going on with me what's comingup. So I'm getting ready to go
on a big adventure for thesummer. I'm a big travel. If
you've been following me for anylength of time, you know that I
like to travel I like to doadventurous things. I like to
have experiences and then I liketo bring the teachings the
adventure to you. And so comingup going to be going to Costa
(04:11):
Rica wouldn't be going toGuatemala gonna be going to
Tulum, Mexico. And so I reallywould encourage you if you're
not following me on you know,the Instagram the tickety
talkity, the Facebook theory orthe LinkedIn ads, then go you
know, Justin Wenck PhD find mefollow me because you're not
going to want to miss thepictures, the videos to the
post. I'm also gonna be doingpodcasts recorded live there. So
(04:32):
make sure you are subscribed tothe engineering emotions and
energy podcast. And you know,while you're there subscribing,
why not Rated five stars, letother people know what you get
from this and then you know,you're at it. It's in your mind
you're doing things for thepodcast, share it with a friend,
let them know like, hey, somegreat shits about to come up
this guy is going to be youknow, there could be a volcano
(04:53):
in the background of one of hisupcoming podcasts for all you
know, so I don't know I don'tknow just A possible highly
likely preview. So I'm gettingexcited getting things ready
prepped for that I'm leaving inlike less than a week got a
friend is going to be staying atmy place to watch it while I'm
gone. So super, super excitedabout that. And I just got some
(05:13):
information about the audiobook, the audiobook has been
submitted to Audible for Amazon.
And then also I guess, iTunesfor their audiobooks, anywhere
audiobooks. So it's in theprocess of being reviewed. The
thing with audiobooks, we don'tknow exactly how long that could
take could take a week couldtake two months, it'll be out
(05:34):
when it's out, when I have agood idea that it's out gonna be
doing a little audio booklaunch, do something special,
got some fun things in theworks. So again, other reasons
to keep following, keep payingattention, also get on my email
list. So you go to Justinwenck.com/podcast. And if you're
on the list for the podcasts,you'll get notices for these
(05:56):
other things, too. So that's,that's a lot of fun, exciting
things going on. So onto thetopic at hand. So what is the
internet all abuzz about? Whatis this message, that actor
Jonah Hill is getting a lot of alot of shit for it, I'm not
gonna say that he's he did thisperfectly. But when you read
(06:19):
closely, you see that he's hedid a lot of things, right. So
let's, let's start. So hemessages his girlfriend at the
time. And I think this is evenit even has it in the message
December 2 2021. So you know,we're talking just 23 days
before Christmas. So this isalso a very stressful time in
any relationship, right? You'recoming off a Thanksgiving, you
(06:39):
got Christmas coming up, couldbe Hanukkah, whatever it is,
it's the holiday season. Sothere's a lot of pressure on a
lot of relationships. So hesays, plain and simple. If you
need surfing with men,boundaryless and appropriate
friendships with men, to modelto post pictures of yourself in
a bathing suit, to post sexualpictures, friendships with women
(07:00):
who are in unstable places, andfrom your wild recent past
beyond getting a lunch or coffeeor something respectful. I'm not
the right partner for you. Sosome context that I've learned
is that who he was going outwith was a surfer and a model.
So a lot of the things he'srequesting are very out of
alignment with how she lives herlife. And so the immediate
(07:23):
response is this fucking assholetelling this woman not to do
what makes her happy, what makesher money, what makes her who
she is. And, again, there'ssomething to that where but if
we continue on with the message,he then goes on to say, I am not
the right, if you want to dothese things, which is base if
you want to, if you want to dowhat you're doing, if you want
(07:44):
to be who you really are, I amnot the right partner for you.
These things bring you to aplace of happiness, I support
it. And there will be no hardfeelings. These are my
boundaries for romanticpartnership. Now there ends up
being some debate about is usingboundaries appropriately. And
one could say, you know, maybeyou should, these are my desires
(08:04):
in a romantic partnership, Ithink that would have been a
better use of the word. Butreally, boundaries is something
that we put up to keep ourselvessafe so that we don't get
harmed. And I'm guessing hisstate of mind is that she's
doing these things, and he'sfeeling he's feeling hurt.
There's something that comes in,probably, I would guess a lot of
insecurities. And he'sexpressing that he doesn't want
(08:28):
to feel that way. Yet. He isalso acknowledging that she has
agency that she can opt out ofthe relationship. And I'm
assuming she probably did.
That's what she totally shouldhave done. Because she shouldn't
have to change who she is. Yet.
It's amazing that he expressedwhat he wanted, what he what
(08:48):
he's desiring what he wants in arelationship at that time where
he's at. And Jonah Hill, he oneof his documentaries, it's been
big on Netflix is bout him andhis therapist, right. So I'm
sure he'd be the first toacknowledge that he probably has
had some challenges that he'shad to overcome through his
life. And maybe it hasn't alwaysbeen, you know, said things or
(09:11):
done things that were the mostskillful indiscernible, I don't
know. But he even like sayslike, Hey, I support you and
doing what makes you happy. Justthis is where I'm at. And so
clearly, they were just notmeant to be a good couple
together. And there's nothingwrong with that. We should be
going like, okay, it's so goodthat he put that out. So then
she's like, Oh, shit, yeah,I am not going to be that woman
(09:32):
for you. And they can both movealong. And he can continue to
work on his stuff and she cancontinue to live an amazing life
and go find a man that's goingto be like, That's the fucking
sounds awesome. Like I love youknow what you do what you put
out there, the people you'rehanging with like you, do you
because I'm a big believer thatthere's always there's always
somebody out there that is, youknow, for us to benefit us in
(09:53):
the way that we're wanting to bebenefited. And sometimes that's
going to be a bunch of Rama,yeah, when you get over the
drama, then you get into a lotof love and a lot of amazing,
beautiful stuff. And clearly,this was a time when there was
some drama. So this is somethingwhere he expressed really
wanted, and I'm guessing hedidn't get it, and he shouldn't
have gotten it yet. Hey, maybethere is a woman that would be
(10:16):
like, Oh my gosh, yeah, I lovethese bounds. And yeah, I don't
want to go surfing, I don't wantto be in relationship with men.
There's people that wantanything and everything. Because
one of the things that I've beenexploring and diving into a
little bit is kink culture, youknow, what are these things that
usually are considered taboo andnot allowed? And recognizing
(10:36):
that these people in thesecommunities, they're really big
on? Well, let's let's express,it's okay to want anything, then
it's well, how do you go aboutit so that, you know, people are
safe, so that nobody's beingharmed, so that, you know,
nobody's doing anything theydon't truly want to do, which,
to me, I think is a beautifulway to go about stuff that the
(10:59):
desire is okay, because, again,going back to the beginning,
where Seth Jonah's character andSuperbad, he just he just wanted
to draw dicks just wanted todraw dicks, there was probably
some underlying need, that wasthere. And if the desire doesn't
get to be spoken, then we don'tget to get to the underlying
(11:19):
desire, right. So there'sprobably a really underlying
desire of like, oh, wanting tofeel like secure and safe and
relationship, and this desire ofjust all just make sure you do
everything I want. That's justthe surface thing. So when we
let out what we desire, we canthen get to whatever that deeper
(11:40):
need is, because sometimes whatwe want is just a symptom of
something that we really, trulyneed. This is something that
I've had to learn in my coachingbusiness, is to both deliver
what somebody wants and whatthey need. So, you know, like,
people, people want to have anamazing experience, where
they're relaxed and calm, andall that. So really, what they
(12:03):
need is meditation. So I deliversomething that does both of
that. Now, you might be goinglike Justin, can it really be
okay to want anything? And I'msaying yes. And actually, the
more that we were, we wouldallow people some grace, when
they express a desire a want,probably, the less you would see
(12:23):
a lot of the shadow sides ofthese unfulfilled, hidden,
shameful desires come out.
Because it's like one of thosethings. It's like, if someone
goes, like, I want someone to dowhat I want, when I want, all
the time. And it's like, okay,that's in some regards. That's
called slavery. But then inother regards, there could be
(12:45):
like, well, that can be of itslike, do you really need that
all the time? Probably not.
Maybe you just want toexperience for like, an hour or
two. And then maybe somebody'slike, well, you know what, I
just don't want to have to thinkfor a while, it'd be great. If
just, somebody did some said, dothis do that I just did. And I
didn't have to think about it, Iknow it's going to be okay. And
in two hours, I'm going to, youknow, get my autonomy back. But
(13:08):
I would just like to set thataside for a little bit and play
a little game of, I'll dowhatever you want, and somebody
else's to play the game ofsomebody's going to do
everything that I want. And sowhen we expressed the desire, we
can then think of healthy waysto maybe satisfy these, or if
there is no way, you know,because maybe it's like, I want
to kill somebody. It's like,okay, well, clearly, there's no
(13:30):
safe way to kill someone. Butlet's let's maybe get behind
that. What is causing thatdesire, it's, oh, this person
has been taking away some deepneed, and well, what is being
taken away? And is there a waymaybe that person doesn't even
know about it? And we're, maybeit's a misappropriation that
(13:51):
that person should provide thatneed? And maybe we got to find
some other person or place orway to fulfill that need. And
then it's like, oh, well, Iguess I don't really need to
kill that person. That's okay.
So I'm so glad that this hasn'tbeen a whole big to do and I
don't know I'm really curiouswhat what people think if they
(14:12):
agree that you know, yeah, Jonahcould have been a little bit
more skillful yet. He's He'sputting out there what he wants,
which is clearly not going to bepopular, clearly not going to
work out well. It didn't yet hedid it. He put it out there. And
in some ways a pride benefited.
Because let this you know, thissounds like a really amazing
woman that does like a lot ofcool things, you know, surfing
(14:32):
and modeling and probably doinglike really cool adventure
stuff. So that she could move onwith her life, as opposed to
like him going, like, Oh, that'sokay. I don't know. But then
he's secretly miserable, andprobably is doing all these
little cutting chavvy remarksand cutting her down and they
just go on for years, decades,whatever. And she eventually
gives up all the things sheloves. Because she feels like
(14:54):
well, I don't think he's reallyhappy but he says he is but
there's just something about it.
So, it can be uncomfortable whensomeone tells us flat out, Hey,
this is what I want. But youalso have the right to go, Hey,
no, I'm not giving that to you,whatever, I'm glad you want
that. I hope you figuresomething out. But that's not
(15:14):
for me. Those things are bothokay? It's okay to want, it's
okay to say, Nope, not going toprovide it. And so I'm really
glad this came out, so we can betalking about it. And I really
do believe that anything,anything, it's okay to desire,
literally anything, doesn't meanthat any desire should be
fulfilled, there is a very twodistinct things. And I bet you
(15:37):
that if you send me somethingwhere you're like, Justin, it
can't be okay for somebody towant to do XYZ. I can figure out
a way to show you that. Nope,that desire totally okay. And
doesn't necessarily mean thatthey should get it, you know,
because I mean, one could arguethat, hey, I think the whole
world should end like it's justa complete mess. And there's a
(15:59):
lot there's a lot of rationalreasons why No, that's the other
thing is it, there doesn't haveto be a rational reason for
desire. Desire just is becauseultimately, there's no reason to
want anything, anything. Becauseeventually go like, Well, why do
you want that? Why do you wantthat? Why do you want that? And
that best you're gonna get?
Well, because it brings up thisfeeling. Or maybe somebody goes
(16:19):
to like, well, because God saidso. But then you could always go
well, so why why do you wantthat feeling? Or why do you
think God said? So? Again,there's ultimately no reason for
why anything should be a thing.
Other than that, it's just, it'sjust to see where it goes. Life
in many ways is just a game. Soare you enjoying the game?
(16:41):
Because there really is, thereis no end, the end begins a new
beginning. And so are youenjoying the process, or you're
joining the journey, much likethe trip I'm about to go on,
there really is no point toanything in the trip. It's just
to have the experiences while onthe trip. And I will be sharing
those with you. And I will beletting you know, what I learn
(17:04):
and what I experienced. So youcan benefit from that. And then
that helps guide you on whatjourneys you wish to take on
your own. Because you might golike, holy shit, I never knew
that Guatemala was like that.
Now I want to go where you mightgo, oh, fuck, I'd always heard
so much about Costa Rica andwanting to go now that I see
what you've done and gone. Like,it just really doesn't sound
(17:25):
interesting. So I'm not gonnago. Great. And then you can
figure out what game you want toplay. What? What journey you
want to go on, what's the storythat you want to tell? This is
your life. And any type of storyyou want to tell be a part of?
It's, it's okay. It's all okay.
I'm telling you, whatever youwant. Whatever you desire, it's
(17:48):
okay. It's how you go about it.
That's where the discernment,that's where the magic happens
is, well, what do you do with itnow that now that it's out
there, that you want to havethat kind of job that you want
to be in that kind ofrelationship? That you want to
have a body that allows you todo these types of activities?
Now that you've put that outthere? Okay, how are you going
to work with that? And that's, Ilove all that stuff, getting out
(18:11):
what is it you really want? Andthen how do you make it actually
happen in a way that is safe,and sustainable and doable?
Right. And that's, that's a bigthing of what's in my book,
engineered to love going beyondsuccess to fulfillment, the
audio book coming soon. So,yeah, so if you're like, I can't
be okay to want to quit my joband, you know, become a serf
(18:33):
model. I'm gonna say, I thinkit's totally okay. It's totally
okay. And it's totally okay, ifsomebody's upset by that. And
then how do you work with that?
And that's one of the things Ilike to do in my coaching. And
that's why things a lot of toolsin my book are for. So thank you
so much for listening.
Definitely. podcast at Justinwenck.com. If you got any
(18:55):
comments, suggestions, becauseI'm really curious, what's
something where you're justlike, No, Justin, there's no way
that this is okay. I'm verycurious. Let's get a
conversation going. So, thanksso much. Take care. I'm going to
be getting ready for my travelscoming up really soon. There
might be one more podcast that Irecord before I start my trip.
But my plan is to do a goodamount on location. So at least
(19:18):
three on location. So veryexcited you should be to or not.
It's up to you. But I want youto be excited and it's okay that
I want you to be excited. Sowith that, thank you and good
day.
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