Navigating the Path to Your Daughter's Heart

Send us a text

Join us on a journey of transformation as Pastor Ed Tandy-McGlasson and Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield unravel the complexities of father-daughter dynamics. Discover how seemingly minor shifts in your parenting approach can create monumental changes in your connection with your daughter. Dr. Canfield, a seasoned expert in fathering, brings her toolbox of strategies and insights that are invaluable not just for your relationship with your daughter but equally resonate with all the women in your life. We'll reveal the powerful two-word tool that might just revolutionize the way you communicate with your daughter, steering away from conflict and cruising towards deeper understanding and bonding.

Throughout this heartfelt episode, we tackle the essence of communication, emphasizing the art of questioning with genuine curiosity and the skill of active listening. These are the threads that weave the fabric of strong father-daughter relationships. I share anecdotes and biblical wisdom that shine a light on the simple, yet profound, ways you can become the hero your daughter needs. You'll learn why your role as a father is crucial in shaping her self-esteem and future relationships, and it's not all serious talk – learn how laughter and shared moments can fortify your bond. Furthermore, we discuss delicate issues like forgiveness in strained relationships and navigating sensitive conversations with grace and understanding.

Wrap up your day with an episode that's not just another discussion but a catalyst for change. We're not only sharing knowledge and personal stories but also providing a guide packed with actionable steps to lead your daughters towards love and self-confidence. There's a spiritual element too, as we seek divine guidance to empower fathers with purpose and strength. You're invited to find solace and direction in our closing prayer, and we encourage you to delve into the resources offered, all designed to support you in becoming the father your daughter deserves.

Support the show

Ready to be the parent or grandparent you’ve always dreamed of becoming? Subscribe and Tune into my podcast each week, and check out my resources, heartfelt encouragement, and practical tools to help you make a lasting impact on the ones you love most. Click this link below:

https://www.thefatherdifference.com/links

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
So today is about me giving you some insider Venusian
trade secrets so you can do itright.
I mean, how's that for a win?
I mean how's that for in yourlanguage a touchdown, because
sometimes, if you course correctjust slightly, it makes a
really big difference.
In fact, you know what I'mgoing to give you this one for
free.
This wasn't even what I wasgoing to plan on saying.

(00:20):
Here is the number one tool togo in your fathering toolbox
that men that I've led or I'vespoken at men's conferences say
I love that one, dr Michelle,because it works every time.
You know why else you're goingto love it.
It's a two-word statementthat'll be a game changer for
how you respond to your daughter.

Speaker 2 (00:42):
Welcome to the Father Difference Podcast, where we
help men learn how to be thefather they were meant to be so
that their children can live thelife that God has made them for
.
Each week, you'll find newpodcasts and interviews with men
who want to make the biggestdifference they can.
Your host, Pastor EdTandy-McGlasson, has been

(01:03):
teaching and equipping men inevents and conferences for the
last 41 years in 14 differentcountries, and now here's Ed.

Speaker 3 (01:15):
Well, welcome.
I'm Ed Tandy-McGlasson.
I'm your host today with anamazing gift, and my job in the
National Football League was toraise my hand and go huddle up.
And so today we are huddlingaround one of God's famous women
quarterbacks.
You probably never thoughtyou'd say that A gal who's got a

(01:39):
handle on the secrets to teachus guys on how to reach the
heart of our daughter, how tolove the girls in our life
better, and I'm going to tellyou why.
You're going to want to tune infor all of this.
Take notes she's got a downloadand all the links to her books
website and everything else.

(02:00):
So would you welcome with me DrMichelle Watson Canfield.
Right, it's so long my name'snot Newly married, now got three
names, so she's officiallyroyalty.
So, anyway, welcome to our.

(02:20):
We can't wait, so take it away,I'm going gonna give you the
guys and sit here and and be apart of this with you oh, I'm
excited to be here.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
I, you just told me, and I'm the only female joining
you.
So, my goodness, I lovehuddling up with men, so thanks
for the opportunity, and can youtell that all my glasses are
fogging here?
I just moved to arkansas.
We got here from Oregon toArkansas, got married during
COVID at the age of 60.
For the first time happened tomarry a guy who founded the

(02:51):
National Center for Fathering,wrote the forward to my first
father-daughter book in 14.
And he's a widower and so Iinherited a tribe of 24.
Half of them are here, so it'sa whole new world world.
So here I am, sweating away ona hot day here in Arkansas well,
well, well, so great for you tobe here.

Speaker 3 (03:11):
So I'm just gonna I'm gonna give you the floor.
And there's every guy out there, me included.
We're one to know.
Every guy wants to have a happywife, a happy daughter and
ultimately wants the girls inhis story to really honor and
respect him.
But he doesn't know how tocross that bridge, that you know

(03:35):
, that bridge that's over thatestrogen river that you gals
live in, that has the monstersthat are below the surface.
We throw our floaties on, wejump in and we get pulled down
because we're not emotionallyequipped.
And we need quarterbacks likeyou to give us the plays to be,

(03:57):
able to really reach the heartof our daughter, which, by the
way, we can use to reach theheart of our wife too.
So go for it.
Who is a daughter right Everyway we can use to reach the
heart of our wife too, so go forit.

Speaker 1 (04:06):
Who is a daughter?
Right, every woman, you know,is a daughter.
So, though, I'm going to bespecifically talking about
father-daughter relationships.
Every woman in your life,whether you work with her or
married to her, were married toher.
You're raising her, you'reinfluencing her.
Every woman's a daughter, andso, with with that said, I have
been traveling from my planet ofVenus to your planet of Mars

(04:28):
for the last 12 years, whichsimply means that I speak
Venusian and you speak Martian,and I'm bilingual now because
I've been coaching groups ofdads for the last 12 years.
So what we do, god gave me thisdownload out of out of Luke, one
that I was to help turn thehearts not the heads of fathers
to their daughters, and I waslike, well, that's a crazy

(04:49):
assignment.
You ever get that?
Just kind of something comes toyour mind, your spirit, and so
I've been often running.
It was one of those immediateobedience things where I asked
11 dads whose daughters at thetime were my counseling clients.
So now, currently, I've been inprivate practice as a counselor
licensed professional counselorfor 27 years, which simply

(05:10):
means I'm old.
Come on, let's be honest.
But really, the truth is, I'vebeen in the trenches with women
since I was 19.
I've been either mentoring orcounseling a lot of young women,
teenagers.
So back to my story about thegroup.
So I invited 11 dads whosedaughters were in their teens or
their twenties to join me oncea month for six months to see if

(05:30):
there would be a change.
I said in you, your daughter oryour relationship, and Ed, do
you know what 10 of the 11 mensaid were in?
And I've had people say men, donot add more to an already full
plate.
But you men know that, likelike Ed just said, you're
floating in Estrian river A lotof the times with with the
floaties aren't holding up andyou got your bite marks and

(05:51):
you're going.
I'm really lost.
So here's my observation Numberone about men tell me if you
agree or disagree.
And that is that men wouldoften rather do nothing than do
it wrong, true or false.
You know you guys are smartenough to go.
You know what I'm making itworse.
I'm a back off Mom.

(06:12):
You go in, you're a girl.
I'm going to come back to thatwhy the research doesn't support
that line of thought.
But let me say my secondobservation, or actually more of
a statement from my heart toyours, is that doing nothing is
doing it wrong.
Yeah, come on and at the end ofthe day, because I've been
leading groups of men, we nowmeet nine months every year,

(06:34):
like nine months at a time, 13guys in me, and it has been
honestly, one of the joys of mylife.
I will do this till my dyingbreath, and I watch men build
competence and confidence, andthose go hand in hand.
So, as a woman, I'm helpingthem decode their daughters,
which is what I want to do todaywith you and teach you some
secrets from my planet that aregoing to help you hit it out of

(06:57):
the ballpark as a dad.

Speaker 3 (06:59):
That sound good.
Touchdown yes.

Speaker 1 (07:04):
Some of you that love research.
I I said I'd come back to thatin a minute about why you matter
, because I don't believe you asmen hear from enough women
especially how important you are, how much you matter, what a
difference you make, and so Iwant to tell you what the
research says.
So, dad, quote, write this downgo to the women in your life.

(07:25):
Do you know how important I am?
Here's what the research says.
Your daughter feels connectedto you.
Okay, is that a heart word or ahead word?
It's heart, right.
Feels connected to you.
She will.
This is just some of the thingsthat will happen.
She's more likely to finishhigh school and attend college,

(07:47):
get better grades.
She will have less anxiety anddepression, greater self-esteem,
less body dissatisfaction andhealthier weight.
She's more likely to holdsteady employment weight.

(08:09):
She's more likely to holdsteady employment.
Less suicide attempts.
She will delay her sexual debut.
Do I hear an amen for?

Speaker 3 (08:13):
that one Come on bring that right.

Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yeah, that's enough right there for the whole thing.
And one more thing I'll addthat I think is really beautiful
is that she will have more prosocial empathy by a connection
to you.
Where do you hear that?
Almost nowhere.
So, dad, if you even shut thisconversation off now between Ed

(08:35):
and I and you and me, that'senough to take home and run with
it going.
I matter to my daughter, even ifshe doesn't know it and maybe
she's in a stage of her life orshe's caught between divorce
with loyalty issues, and say,dad, I hate you, dad, I don't
care what you think, dad, I'mgoing to do the opposite of what
you're telling me.
Stay the course.
I mean again, there's so manyfootball analogies, aren't there

(08:58):
, that you don't quit in themiddle of the game.
Have you ever in your entirelife watched a game where
halfway through, at halftime,the opposing team stopped and
didn't even come out on thefield?
What's the answer to that?
Never, sports.
You got to do that as a dad,which is way more important,
right in the big scheme ofthings, because you're leaving a

(09:21):
legacy.
So what?

Speaker 2 (09:23):
do you?
You think.

Speaker 1 (09:24):
Ed, am I talking too fast Am?

Speaker 3 (09:25):
I talking too much.
Come on, I'm drinking it in.
I'm drinking it in Okay,awesome.

Speaker 1 (09:31):
Well, dad, here's the thing.
Okay, back to men.
Would rather do nothing than doit wrong.
But doing nothing is doing itwrong, and I know you want to do
it right.
So today is about me giving yousome insider Venusian trade
secrets so you can do it right.
I mean, how's that for a win?
I mean how's that for in yourlanguage a touchdown, because

(09:53):
sometimes, if you course correctjust slightly, it makes a
really big difference.
In fact, you know what I'mgoing to give you?
This one for free.
This wasn't even what I wasgoing to plan on saying.
Here is the number one tool togo in your fathering toolbox
that men that I've led or I'vespoken at men's conferences say
I love that one, dr Michelle,because it works every time.

(10:14):
You know why else you're goingto love it.
It's a two word statementthat'll be a game changer for
how you respond to your daughter.
Two words Are you kidding me?
I'm your new best friend, right?
Two words make a hugedifference.
I'm wondering.
So, at the end of the day, whenyour daughter is saying so many

(10:34):
words, flooding you, going overyour head and you're a deer in
headlights going, I have no ideawhat I'm supposed to do with
that?
Just ask a question by sayingthe two words in front of it.
I'm wondering.
Let me tell you about Andy.
He was a fire chief.
Four sons.
Youngest is a daughter, megan.
Megan literally turned his hairgray.
Everything he'd done with hissons did not work with her.

(10:56):
He couldn't connect with her.
It was like this.
So it's her senior year of highschool.
She's skipping school all thetime and he tells us this story
in the group because he had noidea how to connect with her
heart.
Right, he knew how to set rules, set boundaries, limits, that
kind of thing, but not a heartconnection.
So he goes what do you got, doc?

(11:16):
I said I'm wondering because hesaid I say to her why didn't
you go to school today?
She either claws me or the wallgoes up.
Do you guys know what?

Speaker 2 (11:26):
I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 (11:28):
Oh, you know what I'm talking about.
Every man that's had arelationship with a woman knows
what it's like when she bitesyou or the wall goes up and we
stonewall you, right.
So he goes home and I just saidput, I'm wondering.
In front of it, same exactwords.
He goes hey, hey, megan, I'mwondering why didn't you go to
school today?
And she goes oh, we had anearly release and we, and he's

(11:49):
like what just happened there?
I know it was a difference inhis tone and so oftentimes he
was men.
You think this is how I talk tomy sons, this is how she talks
to me.
I should be able to blast backand then she's a puddle or, like
I said, claws or wall.
But really, at the end of theday, dad, we're little softies

(12:10):
on the inside.
So are you, but that's anothersecret for another day.
But really, if you can put thetwo words I'm wondering, in
front of questions, you ask her,you will watch her respond
because she hears it as aninquiry, not as an attack, like
you're blasting her with wantingto know, information or course

(12:32):
correct her, but you really wantto know.

Speaker 3 (12:34):
So what do you think, ed?
Is that practical enough?
Wow, that's powerful.
Powerful, because when you'renot trying to parent your
daughter, when you're not tryingto parent your daughter, it's
like when we ask those questionsthat are investigative, they
get into this child-parentconflict.

(12:55):
And Jesus was the master ofthis because he would always ask
questions.

Speaker 1 (13:01):
That's a couple hundred of them.
Yeah, in Scripture.

Speaker 3 (13:04):
Yeah, I'm wondering, right, or who do you say that I
am?
You know he's not dictating,he's saying what God's doing and
, when you're able to, that kindof opens their heart, like my
dad wants to hear from meExactly exactly, in fact
springboarding off of what yousaid.

Speaker 1 (13:25):
I love one of the stories in the Old Testament.
You know Caleb and Joshua,conquerors, right there they're
the two scouts saying let's, youknow, not look at the giants,
but look at God's promise.
Who doesn't want to be likeCaleb, right?
A-c-h-s-a-h kind of a uniquespelling.
So here's this conqueror dad.

(13:46):
His daughter is married.
At this point he says six wordsbest question ever for a dad to
ask a daughter, right there inthe heart of scripture.
He just says to her what can Ido for you?
He asked her that.
So see, this whole idea ofJesus asking questions is rooted
in great dads, even in the OldTestament.

(14:08):
Like Caleb, you want to bebetter dads to daughters, but I
think we don't know what wedon't know.

(14:32):
So I write dad, daughter Fridayblogs.
In fact, I just did one thisweek on how a dad can help calm
his daughter's anxiety.
I mean, I talk about researchbut I'm always giving practical
action steps.
Here's what you can say.
And, dad, at the end of the day, if you ask your daughter a
question that I say here, askher this question, and she goes

(14:53):
dad, that's so lame.
You just say, I know, michellegave it to me, roll me under the
bus, and then you're still thehero you want to be and that
your daughter needs you to be.
But it all comes down to askinggood questions.
Did you guys actually know?
So I have a master's and adoctorate and, with all that

(15:14):
insane amount of schooling andmoney, I still remember
something I learned in my veryfirst counseling class, lewis
and Clark College, portland,oregon.
What would that have been 1995.
I still remember what JoanMcElroy taught me and I'm going
to give you guys an insider,another insider Venetian trade

(15:34):
secret.
You don't even have to go toschool for this.
Hey, you're getting grad schoollevel stuff today.
So here's what she said you aregoing to be a better therapist
if you ask better questions andthe truth is, as a dad, you will
be a more effective dad to yourdaughter by asking good
questions.
And here's what I find happensto a lot of men.

(15:57):
Is that words sound verydifferent on on our separate
planets, don't they?
So imagine you pick up yourdaughter from school and you go
hi honey, how was your day?
And she says, fine, fine, right,okay.
And you go, awesome, good.
And you get home and your wifegoes, or whoever your wife, a

(16:20):
woman is saying, hey, how wasyour day.
And you go, it was fine.
That is a non-answer answer onVenus.
Now you, as men, think if youwanted to tell me more, you
would have told me.
And we're thinking, if youcared more, you would ask me
more.
So fine is a throwaway answer.

(16:42):
Don't ever buy into that one.
That's our non-answer answer.
So here is a secret to askinggood questions.
This isn't what my professortaught me.
She just set the foundation ofasking good questions is the
best way to build relationships.
But doesn't that leave us allgoing?
But how do you do that?
Do you have to go to gradschool to actually learn how to

(17:04):
do that?
No, I'm giving you secretstoday.
Remember this is hey, I'm here,I'm throwing the ball to you.
This is going to help youliterally make a touchdown,
really with her heart.
Is what you do, dad.
How you ask good questions isdo you remember in grade school
ed, where we learned who, what,when, where, why, how?
It?
It's already in your grid, dad.

(17:26):
You're not looking.
This is nothing new.
You already have it, I'm justpulling it forward.
I would throw out why I thinkit's the least effective of all
of those, and it tends to be alooping question Why'd you do
that?
I don't know.
Why'd you do that?
No answer.
So why is usually the leasteffective?
All you have to do is take thekey word of her sentence or the

(17:53):
last word of her sentence.
If she goes on and on and onand on, you're like I have no
idea what to ask.
Just end with the last thing orkey word.
So say she gets in the car howwas your day, honey?
She says fine, fine, fine.
And now you go.
What about?
your day was fine there we gohow did your day end up being

(18:19):
fine?
Where in your day was it themost fine?
You take that key word and do awho, what, when, where, how.
Then she may say, well, um,like the choir was good, you're
still going.
I don't have much.
What's a key word in?

Speaker 3 (18:37):
that statement Good.
How was it good today?

Speaker 1 (18:41):
But what word would you take out of that?
Hey, choir was good you mightwant to ask her about choir.
See the key word actions.
It's something she did or someperson.
So you could.
You could say, yeah, what aboutchoir was good today?
Yeah, what happened in choir?
So you sometimes, men, you'reworking way too hard, you're
trying to come up with a wholedifferent.

(19:01):
Well, uh, did you talk toanyone today and you're working
way too hard?
Just a key word.
And then who, what, when, where, how.
So then she may say you knowhow was choir?
You know that guy Austin, likethat I've had a crush on for a
really long time, and like helooked at me today and I was
dying because everyone noticedit, and then my face turned red
and the teacher said somethingand I was, I was so embarrassed,

(19:22):
I wanted, and you're like, whatdo I say?
That was so many words.
Introverted daughters, wish yougot that many words.
Yeah, what word ed?
What is a keyword in that wholerant or whole explanation?

Speaker 3 (19:37):
yeah, what would you say?
Well, she, she's uh talkingabout how somebody saw her today
okay, and what's his name?

Speaker 1 (19:45):
did you hear it?

Speaker 3 (19:46):
no, austin, austin.
So what did austin do today?

Speaker 1 (19:49):
so, yeah, what did austin do?
What did you feel when austinlooked?
Did Austin do?
What did you feel when Austinlooked at you?
How did you, how did you feelwhen Austin was looking at you?
See?
So you take a keyword, pickanyone, you might go.
I can't remember the guy's name, just like you know.
Okay, I'm not going to be ableto ask the guy all the way she
goes.
Oh, they didn't go.
I was dying Cause everyone waslooking at me.

(20:11):
What was that like wheneveryone looked at you?
You give her her exact wordsback and then she knows you're
listening.
Okay, how's that for anothersecret?
Is that practical?

Speaker 3 (20:21):
enough, because what you're doing is you're helping
her tell her story, and when shegets your story out, she feels
heard.
Come on, come on.

Speaker 1 (20:37):
And if she feels heard, her heart opens to her
dad.
Okay, you just set me up waytoo easy for for one of the
points I wanted to make, and Ilove it.
You'd almost think we'd planthis.
But really, here's the thing,dad.
When your daughter's mouthopens, right, she feels heard
Cause she's talking.
Her heart opens when her heartis open, your heart is open.
Now let me do that in reverse,when she ain't talking it ain't

(20:59):
good.

Speaker 3 (20:59):
It ain't good, am I right?

Speaker 1 (21:01):
when the woman stopped talking and the air gets
thick, you're all like, oh no,what did I do?
What do I need to do to fix it?
Yeah comes back to her talking,feeling hurt as, as you said,
Ed, doesn't that invite thequestion how can dads strengthen
their skillset, fill theirtoolbox with more practical,

(21:22):
action-oriented tools to helpfacilitate talking and listening
?
In fact, that's what sets upwhat I really wanted to share
today, but I love just having afluid conversation because I got
lots of tools up my sleeve inmy pocket.

Speaker 3 (21:37):
It answers for us.
It's just a secret questionthat the Lord's given me to
reopen the heart of my daughterswhen they're like doing this.
Yeah, and that is help meunderstand how I hurt you or

(21:59):
help me understand what you'regoing through.
Yes, and she goes really.

Speaker 1 (22:06):
Two words.
I'm wondering three words.
Help me understand.

Speaker 3 (22:09):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (22:11):
That is fantastic.
Okay, so this is the segue.
Then here's this book I wrotelet's talk oh conversation
starters for dads and daughters.
It's about a year and a half old, came out during coronavirus
covet and in it are 60 themes sothat a dad can ask his daughter
questions to help her open up.
Okay, now it's in five sectionslead her to laugh, lead her to

(22:34):
love, lead her to look, lead herto lament and lead her to
listen.
Okay, I'm going to tell youwhat those do.
But here's the deal.
Ken said really this should becalled let's talk and listen,
because really, at the end ofthe day, it really is about you,
as a dad, listening andincreasing your listening skills
.
So look at what Ed just did.

(22:54):
Right there he goes.
He smiled his eyes.
Look at he's a.
He's a facial expression guy.
You don't have to wonder whatEd McGlashan is thinking.
It's all here on his face.
Follow his lead, men, becausesometimes you're in your head
thinking and you don't realizethat your face is giving a

(23:16):
different message than whereyour heart is.
I mean, I would say men readlines, women read between lines.
So you're going how'd you getthat out of that?
And you're like, how did you?
We're going, how'd you not getthat out of that?
So again, watch your face,watch his face you can tell he
nodded.
So, as you're asking questionsand she's giving you a response,
that's exactly what you want tonod.

(23:38):
You want to put technology away, turned it on silent.
Uh, give eye contact.
Smile, not the creepy smile.
I've girls go, that is socreepy when my dad does that.
Well, not the creepy smile.
But ask her do I look weird?
Let her make fun of you, youknow.
So anyway how about if nowpractical action steps.
I break down those five things.

(23:59):
And here's the good news, man,this Ed was saying earlier.
I'm giving you this PDF.
That is all five sections, justa brief explanation and then
five questions under each one.
If you don't want to buy thebook, just get this.

Speaker 3 (24:13):
No, no, every guy't want to buy the book.
Just get this.
No, no, every guy's got to buythis book.
I'm just telling you you buy itif you want to have a happy
wife and a happy daughter, oryou're going to be singing this
song ain't no sunshine whenshe's home.
If you want to write a bluessong, okay, don't buy this book
okay, there you go, if you wantto turn that into a worship song

(24:36):
we love dad, we love dad andreally I I love that you kind of
brought this up.

Speaker 1 (24:45):
Maybe you kind of implied it or meant it, but you
could do this with your wife too, man, that it's well, because
it's the same, it's the.

Speaker 3 (24:53):
She's also a girl, right and most people think no,
no, she's my wife, no, she's.
She's a girl, right, she wantsto be heard, being seen and we
figure things out by talking onour planet.

Speaker 1 (25:09):
So the more you can facilitate space for her to be
able to be heard.
I'm going to keep going back towhat you said, because it is a
vital heart need of a woman tobe heard and understood.
That's why I liked yourquestion.
Help me understand.
So lead her to laugh.
Did you guys know thatneuroscientists have confirmed

(25:30):
that shared laughter strengthenslong-term relationships and
social bonding?
So if you have a bombed outbridge with your daughter right
now, what I mean by laugh iskind of, maybe more lighthearted
.
Even some of them areactivities to rebuild a bridge
to her heart, or build one forthe first time, or strengthen

(25:50):
the one that's there.
So, for example, you might askyour daughter on a date tell me
like what item of my clothingyou would love to see me get rid
of.
I mean literally one of youLike literally for my dad.
He'd go to this big box storeand buy these stupid lame jeans
and I'm like no more of thosejeans, they're so bad.

(26:13):
And then you do the white socksrolled up like you're aging
yourself there.
Buddy, you gotta listen.
I got your back, dad, you know.
You know I'm like, but it's ifyou can let your daughter make
fun of your clothes and maybeyou already do that, you know,
there's a fun laughter piece, or?
right here's this one isn'tmaybe funny, but it's fun is to
ask her tell me about yourwedding day, what colors do you

(26:33):
want?
See it funny, but it's fun isto ask her tell me about your
wedding day, what colors do youwant?
See, it's getting specific,it's not just wedding day in
general.
What colors do you want?
What flowers do you want?
What location have you thoughtof?
In fact, one dad in the ABBAproject that's the name of the
group I lead, abba, meaningDaddy in Aramaic and Men Love a
Project but one of the guys saidhe came to the group and told

(26:54):
all the men next time.
He said she wants to getmarried in a villa in France.
Who do you think is paying forthat?
I don't want to know this, youknow, but how cool is that she
never told him because he neverasked.

Speaker 3 (27:14):
He didn't know, right , a quiet daughter a quiet
daughter, you know, because thefirst man in every girl's story
is her dad.
Yes, and if you'll do thesethings that michelle's talking
about, you're going to open herheart with you, which will help
heal her man-chooser one day,and she won't choose a project,

(27:38):
she'll choose a guy just likeyou.

Speaker 1 (27:43):
Yeah, there you go.
Who doesn't want that?
I truly believe we will have ahealthier country with healthier
women from the ground up Right,and that all starts with dads.

Speaker 3 (27:55):
It all starts with dads, you know, I don't know if
you saw, this latest statisticjust came out that only 18% of
the children in our country wentto bed last night in a home
with a mom and a dad that arestill together.

Speaker 1 (28:08):
Wow, only 18%, is that crazy?

Speaker 3 (28:13):
And it's dropped almost 40% in the last 40 years
of the nuclear family with a momand a dad.
And then the hurt that girlshave that come out of the trauma
in their own life.
But if we can learn as men andI'm representing the group today

(28:36):
if we can learn to huddle uparound our quarterback, dr
Michelle, here and get this bookand this material and begin
doing it.

Speaker 1 (28:47):
Doing it.
There's the key?

Speaker 3 (28:49):
Yeah it is.
It's all about applying it anddoing it.

Speaker 1 (28:53):
Consistently.
I want to put the wordconsistently after that Because,
dad, I've had clients of minewhose dads have started.
They'll do like a dad-daughterdate, one month, month two, and
then life gets busy.
It's almost worse.
Hope deferred makes the heartsick.
So dad, I would encourage youminimum find one date a month to

(29:16):
do with your daughter, to askquestions, where she can know
that's our place, that's ourtime.
Make it happen.
If you're gone, reschedule.
Make that time with her apriority, because if we are
going to have healthier women,we need dads who are investing.
And let me talk for a minute tothe dad who is divorced and is
being, I would say,misrepresented, possibly by his

(29:41):
ex-wife, his daughters.
I have so many men write me withjust this weekend I mean almost
weekly from men around thenation that say this is breaking
my heart.
They'll use those kinds ofwords, like this lack of
connection with my daughter.
I've not seen her for two yearsor now.
She's loyal to mom and I don'tknow what to do about it.

(30:03):
Let me just speak to you, dad,as a.
Again, I'm all about practicalaction steps.
Cause who loves a hero whodoesn't take action right?
Well, you may feel, you know,immobilized, like you can't hey,
run the play.
Okay, I know that's so good,you can't even believe it.
I'm sounding like I hear it all.

(30:24):
So if you and dad are feelingsidelined, like you can't get in
the game with your daughter,and you're hearing us talk about
this and you're like click, I'mshutting off Cause you don't
understand.
I want to be that dad, but I'mbeing shut out and shut down and
I can't run the play.
I want to give you a practicalaction.

(30:44):
Step, dad, go find a journal.
You can get them online.
There's still a couple of bigbookstores open.
Go find a journal that lookslike your daughter If you have
more than one daughter, it's onejournal per daughter and begin
to write in it with a date, soit's like a time capsule of what

(31:05):
you wish you could tell her ifshe was in your life right now.
So, good Might be.
Wishes for her dreams, for herprayers.
You're praying memories youhave.
Hey, you know I was just at a4th of July barbecue and it made
me remember how cute you werein that little red, white and
blue dress when you were fiveand remember the sparklers.

(31:25):
And you're right.
You then, when Lord willing,not if there's restoration, when
Lord willing, not if there'srestoration you have evidence to
give her that counters the lie.
My dad never heard that I wasnot in his life.
Because the father of liesnotice he's called a father.

(31:46):
Jesus called him that, john 8,44.
He didn't call him a CEO oflies.
He didn't call him theinstigator of lies.
He is a counterfeit father whowants to take you out by lying
to your daughter.

Speaker 3 (31:59):
So when you have truth in this book that you get
to give her maybe months, maybeyears down the road, imagine the
power of your written words toher book to counter the lies
yeah, because that I had a guy anumber of years ago call me and
say we're in a horrible divorceright now I'm afraid I'm gonna

(32:22):
lose my daughter, and I said Iheard this story.
Why don't you do this?
Make a mailbox that needs to bebroken open and write a letter
and mail it every week to yourdaughter?
Wow, and sure enough, 10 yearslater they had the conversation
why didn't you write me?
Why didn't you care about me?

(32:43):
And he brings it to her andsays I did, but your mom kept
resending it back in the mail.
And when his daughter startedreading these notes.
she just wept.
She goes.
You love me?
Yes, I do.
I am so sorry.
Help me understand how I hurtyou when you know I divorced
your mom and you know we wentthrough this time Because kids,

(33:07):
when they come to that divorceplace unfortunately, you know,
know, because divorce is sowicked and what it does to both
the husband and wife but to thechildren, yeah, is that these
questions get unanswered inchildren.
They do and they will interpretthat separation and divorce to

(33:29):
that doesn't love me.
So my dad's a bad guy.

Speaker 1 (33:33):
I was what he was staying around for.

Speaker 3 (33:35):
Yes, that's right.
I was ugly, so he didn't wantme.

Speaker 1 (33:41):
And see you, men would think how did she get ugly
out of that?
Welcome to the father of lies,phd in lyrology, and Ed, I
remember having you, so the DadWhisperer podcast is what I've
had for dads and daughters since2016.
You've been on a couple of myprograms and I remember you
sharing how a dad of divorcecame, remember hadn't seen his

(34:03):
daughter, I think, for 20 years.

Speaker 3 (34:05):
Yeah, 20 years.
And he ended up writing.
He said she'll never talk to me.
I said write her one moreletter with this line Help me
understand how I hurt you when Idivorced your mom.
They met.

Speaker 1 (34:21):
I quoted you.
That is so profound.
Dad, say it again, Ed, becauseI know there's based on
statistics.
Probably 75% of the emails Iget are from dads with
estrangements with their girlsand a lot of it divorce.
So that, right there, that's atake it to the bank action
statement and sentence the dad.
Say it again so dads can writethat down help me understand how

(34:44):
I hurt you.

Speaker 3 (34:46):
when I divorced your mom Because that her value, her
beauty and, long story short shecalled him almost immediately
and said is this you?
I haven't talked to you for 20years.
Then they met in Cincinnati.

(35:07):
He flew up to meet her not seenher, didn't know anything about
her and they agreed to go inthe restaurant.
And here he's looking and inwalks, this girl that he's not
seen in 20 years, and they meeteyes.
She starts crying, he startscrying and he asks that question
again.
Help me understand.

(35:27):
She goes.
Well, dad, I have a questionfor you.
Was I that ugly?
And he was shocked.
What do you mean?
Was I that ugly, dad?
You never kissed me, you neverheld me, you never spoke to me
and I just figured I was so ugly.

Speaker 1 (35:48):
Yeah, you didn't tell me I was beautiful.
You weren't there.

Speaker 3 (35:51):
That you got rid of Mom because you didn't want me
and he just broke and he said,sweetheart, the reason we got
divorced I don't know if yourmom told you or not I had an
addiction to pornography.
And I was so afraid of poisoningyou that I stayed away.

(36:13):
Will you forgive me?
And she leaps across the tableDaddy, daddy, daddy, I wanted
you in my life and after aboutan hour of crying and hugging
and talking, she goes.
I have a gift for you and hedoesn't understand what that is.
He goes, follow me to my homeand they drove a few minutes

(36:34):
away from the coffee shop wherethey were and she goes in the
back and he drives up on agravel driveway, pulls in, walks
up on the porch that has ascreen door and he hears through
the screen door.
He's here, he's here door, he'shere.

(37:00):
He's here.
And two grandchildren that hedid not know about run out into
Papa's arms, totally restoredhis relationship with his
daughter.
And the key for the guy waslearning how to receive the
blessing of the father his dadnever gave him.
He was just a wounded guy.
Because isn't it true, wouldyou say, in all your research

(37:22):
and understanding, that menstart with their daughters based
on how their fathers treatedthe girls in their life?

Speaker 1 (37:33):
Or mom Mom right.

Speaker 3 (37:36):
The way their fathers loved mom, exactly the values
of who a woman is, because ourdads are and use this because it
really works.
Our dads are our first YouTubevideo as a boy, and the problem
is most fathers today don't haveany videos on their account.
Dads are our first YouTubevideo as a boy, and the problem
is most fathers today don't haveany videos on their account.

(37:59):
Or they're bad, right, they'rereally negative, they're harsh.
And so when a boy looks at adad to discover, you know, what
do women really want?
I mean, how do I love a girl inmy life?
They look at their dad, I meanmy, my own stepdad, on my
wedding day, when I asked themwhat's your secrets?
We're walking out for me toplay a song for Jill to come get

(38:24):
married and he just looked atme and goes son, women are just
drama, drama, drama.
Oh my, that was it.
And then he said they're kindof better seen and not heard,
and I just I looked at him likeman, you are no wonder mom and
you didn't make it Right.
And I guess he learned that in asecond marriage and they had a

(38:45):
wonderful marriage, but with mymom it wasn't a good deal, and
so that went into me and I madethat promise.
Well, I'll never say that toJill, and then she would get
emotional with me, I would blowa gasket and go drama, drama,
drama, which got me in bigtrouble.
Yeah, yeah yeah, because Iwasn't.

(39:08):
I was see men struggled.
Do you think that men strugglebecause, when they don't know
who they are and they've neverencountered you know the god,
the father, in their life andhad or in christ and gotten an
identity or blessing from a dad,they're still looking at their
girls in their life to find outwho they are?

Speaker 1 (39:29):
how their sons portal into their hearts of knowing
who they are.

Speaker 3 (39:34):
They are exactly right they don't.
They don't know, and so part ofthey're.
They're using theirrelationships to prove their
identity, absolutely, instead ofwhat you're teaching I've got
it on my end, that's exactlyright I have an abuse history.

Speaker 1 (39:50):
I mean, the last thing that really I would
imagine I would ever be doing,based on some significant sexual
abuse trauma by men, is that Iwould now be loving being in
groups of men, but I have clearboundaries.
I think women either gopromiscuous or frigid, you know,
kind of one end or the other,and so I've had clear boundaries

(40:13):
with men and now what I find isthat men sometimes say we don't
know where to go to ask fordirections and so there's
nowhere I would rather be.
But I want to go back and Imean I absolutely agree with you
that the bottom foundation iswhen we know how much we're
loved by a father in heaven whowrites our name on the palm of
his hand.
It's been a huge part of myhealing journey.

(40:35):
Going back only about 11 years,I realized I hadn't ever really
connected with God as my fatheruntil I started doing this work
with dads, and the first time Iwas asked to speak was about a
year in and I went oh mygoodness, and what I had God
revealed to me is that I had Iwouldn't actually say unhealed
grandfather wounds, because I'dalready done it, but some

(40:57):
unaware areas of impact from mygrandfather abuse that had me
block out God as a father, andso Jesus stepped in front of him
and let me see his face,because they're connected and I
couldn't handle the father tillthen, you know.
So I just I just want to saytoo, on this thing with divorce,
before we step off of thatsubject, is that in this book.

(41:19):
So again, let's talkconversation starters for dads
and daughters.
I'm going to jump to the fourthsection about lead her to lament
, because if you're a dad thatsays I don't know what to ask I
could, I could ask for, help meunderstand how I hurt you when I
divorced your mom, and maybeyou have a daughter that says I
don don't know, and that was theend of it, and you're like, oh
shoot, it worked for Ed's guy,but my daughter doesn't even

(41:39):
pick up on that.
Well, in here I've gotquestions on divorce, questions
that you can ask your daughterif you or her mom had an affair.
And again you have to.
I know you have to gauge itbased on her age.
But in the lament section, ken,my husband said I think that's
the most important section ofthe whole book because obviously
where we are wounded physically, right, our whole body is

(42:03):
impacted by it.
Well, same with a heart wound.
That lament section.
I put it as fourth so thatthere was a foundation laid
before the harder topics wereunearthed.
But if you ever did dad or dador sometimes I say dad, dad or
instead of dad, daughter, butyou can let your daughter pick
the topic she wants, you know,and then that could be the theme

(42:26):
for that meal that day or thatdad daughter date to go through
what she wants to go through.
So, ed, can I just?
I want to quickly kind of gothrough the other sections.

Speaker 3 (42:35):
Please, please.
This is so good that guys aregoing to go through.
So, Ed, can I just?
I want to quickly kind of gothrough the other sections,
Please.

Speaker 1 (42:39):
this is so good that guys are going to go?

Speaker 3 (42:40):
Yes, go ahead.

Speaker 1 (42:41):
Okay, again, you can tell, ed and I together are both
about practical action steps,not just theory, not just
information, not just data,because at the end of the day,
it's about working it out.
Working it out, okay.
Section number two lead yourdaughter to love.
So here's the reality.
We all give out what we have,which I think you just have

(43:04):
underscored.
If you've never known the loveof a father in heaven or earth,
how do you give that to adaughter?
First thing, you know gettinginto scripture and see how much
you're adored and loved and Iknow adored might sound like a
feminine term.
I think we need to bring itback for the men you know.

Speaker 3 (43:20):
No, that's ours.
We we need to adore the ones.
God yes.

Speaker 1 (43:23):
So knowing you're adored, which is a treasured
word, a value word.
So lead her to love.
When a woman knows she's loved,she's gonna going to give out
love, and so what the way I loveto say it is then she will go
look, looking to give or to lovein all the right places instead
of looking for love in all thewrong places.

(43:47):
Like we know that song, butwhen you know you're loved, you
you look to love.
You can't help but love andgive out.
So in that section you knowit's more helping her understand
her personality profiles, lovelanguages, knowing who she is as
a woman, as a girl, and thenleading into conversations about
being a world changer.

(44:07):
Or I have information Some ofit is stats and stories and
questions and helping herunderstand something called the
dream gap, where there'sresearchers that show, by the
age of five, girls already havestarted believing they're not as
strong or as capable as boys.
By six, they've already started,yes, associating this with

(44:28):
gender.
So again, you guys can go backto the Dad Whisperer podcast.
It's on my website,drmichellewatsoncom.
It's on Spotify, apple GooglePodcastewatsoncom.
It's on spotify, apple umgoogle podcast.
It's also on stitcher click thelink too.

Speaker 3 (44:41):
It's going to be on this.
Uh, it's going to be on this.

Speaker 1 (44:44):
You'll see it I have all these broken down where I've
talked about all these one at atime where, if you want to go
into more depth but so so here'ssome questions I wrote them
down that you could ask.
It's on this sheet.
Again, you might want to askyour daughter what do you see as
your three greatest strengths?
And then you tell her what yousee as her three greatest

(45:04):
strengths.
Now, as women, it's good for usto know our strengths.
I don't think men, by and large, have a hard time admitting
their strengths.

Speaker 2 (45:12):
We're over here going .

Speaker 1 (45:13):
No, you know, I don't want to be, I don't want to be
full of pride.
You know, own it like yes.
This is strength because, again, using a football analogy, you
know what position on the teamyou're best wired for.
Created for a lot of girlsdon't know where they fit on the

(45:33):
team and so they're trying onall kinds of different outfits
right Right now.
It's a lot of gender identitystuff.
I just wrote an article for anational organization on how a
dad can lead his daughter tohave conversations about sexual
orientation, gender identity andsame-sex attraction, and in my
book, ed, to be honest with you,this stuff, as we know, has
blown up in the last two years.
During COVID, I talked aboutsame-sex attraction here.

(45:56):
I wish now I would havebroadened it to gender identity,
but I have an updatedquestionnaire they're all free
resources on my website.

Speaker 3 (46:06):
One of the things you said is just key, I think.
See a father's words towards adaughter.
They carry the weight of ablessing or a curse.

Speaker 2 (46:18):
Right.

Speaker 3 (46:19):
Because God made you and I to be a word-activated
human being, so the words thatare spoken over us by those who
God has given authority to have,great impact on our life.
Yes, and so when you say I lovethis about you, I love this gift

(46:40):
that God's given you, what itdoes is, it's a blessing, it's
prophetic, and that daughterwill start believing that about
herself, because you're notquoting all these scriptures and
saying you're going to be aprophet like Anna in the Bible.
Girls don't want that.

(47:01):
They're saying Daddy, do yousee me?
Am I beautiful?
Who am I?
Who do you see me to be?
And when we look at them eye toeye and not blink—we might have
to blink because they're toobeautiful but just to say that
what you said is so powerful fortheir formation of who they are

(47:23):
and, in a real way, just thehonor that God made them to be a
woman.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
Right and you don't move that.
What do they get?

Speaker 3 (47:31):
They get a question mark.
Who am I?

Speaker 1 (47:37):
And they're vulnerable to the lies.
Back to the piece about theenemy.
You know I wasn't sure if I wasgoing to bring this up today,
but I just brought it with me asa prop in case it came up.

Speaker 3 (47:46):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (47:47):
But as long as we're going long, let's just go on,
let's go, we're going deep girl.
Okay, so back to this thing.

Speaker 3 (47:52):
I'm running a the deep pass and I'm running to
catch in the end zone.

Speaker 1 (48:01):
Okay, there we go.
I should have brought afootball today, man, but really
I want to give dads anotherpractical action step on this
one, because we talked earlierabout this daughter that said
dad, do you think I'm ugly?
Is that why you divorced mom?
What?
That doesn't seem like it goestogether.
And you just talked aboutaffirming a woman's beauty.
Here's what I love about youinternal, your internal beauty
and your external beauty.
We need to hear both from you.

(48:21):
Dad, not I had a dad once inthe Abba project that only
affirmed his daughter's innerbeauty, always because he didn't
want her to be stuck on outerbeauty.
And at 23 years old she saidI'm still hurting over the fact
that my dad has never told meI'm beautiful, so it's got to be
both.
So here's a practical actionstep, dad.
Okay, my metaphor here's amirror right here.

(48:44):
There you go, you're looking atit's you?
I don't know if I'm showing youthere.
Same you, same day.
Look at this mirror.

Speaker 3 (48:51):
Where am I?

Speaker 1 (48:52):
It's broken, you get a completely different view of
yourself based on the mirror youlook in.
So, dad, if your own brokennessis reflecting to your daughter
a broken image, she internalizesthat when it's really your
stuff.
That's why it's so importantyou do your work Okay On what's

(49:14):
not healed in you so that itdoesn't spill out.
I mean, we all make mistakes.
It's just about making amendsand being aware.
So here's a practical actionstep.
Speaking of mirrors, where youcan affirm your daughter's
beauty, you can go, get a dryerase marker or a pack of sticky
notes and I want you on themirror in your daughter's

(49:36):
bedroom.
It could be the rear viewmirror of her car, it could be
the bathroom mirror, some mirror.
And if you don't live with her,put this on a mirror at your
house, take a picture and sendit.
I had a dad named Tim tell me hetakes this on the road because
he travels for business and hewrites in the hotel, takes a
screenshot, sends it to her.
Brilliant.
But dad, I have been literallyin the homes of daughters months

(50:01):
, months, like I'm talking.
One, five months, one, almost ayear later she still had dad's
messages on where we look in andsee every flaw.
Let's be straight up honest.
You guys look at that mirror.
You either don't look for acouple of days or when you look,
you're like you want some ofthis.
You know that is not how themirror is.

(50:24):
For us it is deadly, that's sogood.
Come on, go today, do it Drymarker or sticky notes.
In some ways I like the stickynotes better only because I've
seen daughters keep them Like.
I had one dad that saidBrittany, you are.
And then the next sticky notewould say beautiful, resilient,

(50:46):
strong, courageous, smart, andhad them going down she, eighth
grade.
I went to her house monthslater.
There's all dad's notes.
Another daughter, eighth gradeAlso.
I've.
I also have some where womenare in their twenties but where
they've told me stories.
Dad wrote one note he was inthe ABBA project, stuck it in
the bathroom.

(51:06):
He then noticed she'd moved itto her bedroom to have it by the
light switch when she came inand out of the room and it was
all it said.
Was it all it said was have agood day, honey.
It wasn't even really anaffirmation, didn't matter, it
was in dad's handwriting.
So is that practical enough forhelping?

Speaker 3 (51:25):
because see most a lot.
So, hey, I want to say this toevery dad out there your words
out of your mouth or on paperover your children, over your
wife, can completely changetheir future, right.

Speaker 1 (51:42):
I agree, I write.

Speaker 3 (51:44):
I write notes to my daughters, okay, and my wife we
go to our bathroom right now.
You will see, on her mirrorshe's got that one mirror that
makes your face this big, right?
She doesn't put any notes onthere, right?
But she on her mirror, she allthose the latest letters, notes

(52:06):
that I've written, are there andevery time she puts her makeup
on she reads them and she comesout and she goes have I told you
that?
You're like the most amazingman that's ever been born?
And I'm like what did I do?
And then I got it.
She's reading the note, thosewords she's reading the note and
that's why we read this.

(52:27):
Yes, this is God's sticky notes,or it's his text message.
His text message is to us thisis what I love about you.
You're more than a conqueror.
No weapon formed against you isgoing to prosper.
Oh, that's so good.
That is such a great practicalwe just to help 3M right now.

(52:49):
They're just going to.

Speaker 1 (52:50):
Yeah there you go.
Okay, I'm going to do the lastthree.
I'm sure guys are like okay,okay, this is like drinking from
a fire hose, but we're givingyou, ed and I, so much because
you can tell this is a passionarea for me.
You didn't say at the beginningwe will have a healthier
country from the ground up, withhealthier women, and you, dad,

(53:12):
are a huge part of it.
A few years ago I went to thecapital and it was, um, the day
of the Me Too movement.
It was the first march they hadhad there.
I think this was in 18.
And it was the end of the dayand all their signs were on the
street in front of the Capitoland I began to look at them and
I just thought about the factthat I think so many women are

(53:32):
shouting to be heard above thenoise and above the rest, to so
many women are shouting to beheard, above the noise and above
the rest, to say hear me, seeme, I have value.
And I would have loved to haveinterviewed those women I mean
thousands of them, even if Ijust gave them a survey to ask,
like zero to 10, where's thestrength of your relationship
with your dad?
Because I have to believe, atthe end of the day, if your
daughter is heard by you, shedoesn't have to shout above all

(53:54):
the rest to be heard.
She doesn't have to dress inways to be seen, because she's
already seen by you.
So okay, last three things.
I know I am trying to go asfast as I can but, ed, this is
such an honor to be invited intoa group, to be in a men's
huddle that you can tell I'mjust wanting to give you guys

(54:15):
every nugget for your toolboxtool.

Speaker 3 (54:18):
We need a lot of nuggets.

Speaker 1 (54:21):
There you go.
Well, here they are.
You don't even have to go lookat, okay.
Third section lead her to look.
So this is about looking underthe hood.
Right, when the car doesn'twork, you got to lift the hood
up, look at the wiring.
So the same with yourdaughter's heart.
If you're not clicking with her, you can tell that she's
struggling.
How do you lift the hood up?
Look inside at some of thosetopics, if you will.

(54:44):
Those are the different wiresthat make her engine run, if you
will.
Okay.
So some of the sections in thatpart of the book Lead Her to
Look.
Are talking about sex, sexting.
It's talking about cyberbullying or bullying.
Is she a part of the problem orthe solution?
It's talking about cuttingsuicide.

(55:06):
Now, you may say my daughter'snever been suicidal, but have
you asked her?
A few years ago, actuallyprobably right before COVID, I
spoke at a Christian high schooland I did this thing where in
their class earlier that day,each student couple of hundred
had filled out on a piece ofpaper.
They checked the boxes.
This isn't new to me, but Iasked, like I've been.

(55:29):
You know I I've been a child ofdivorce or my parents are
separated, I take medication.
I've been, I've contemplatedsuicide.
I've been a child of divorce ormy parents are separated.
I take medication.
I've been, I've contemplatedsuicide.
I've attempted suicide.
You know all I cut.
I use drugs or I have useddrugs, I drink alcohol or I have
you know those kinds of thingsmore vulnerable.
And they checked boxes, walkedin and then each of them got a

(55:52):
piece of paper that representedsomeone else's story.
Right In a tiny Christian highschool, 11 students stood up
representing someone else'spiece of paper.
I've attempted suicide.
That wasn't just contemplatedNow.
I imagine most of their parentsdidn't know.

(56:12):
So it was one of those eventswhere afterwards, like like
teenagers do, they huddle andthey cry like even.
And then two it was mostlygirls and two boys were all
awkward standing there in thegroup, you know, and one of them
that had been on the front hadbeen the homecoming queen was
one of them that said, actually,that's my story, sobbing.
So I kind of did it.

(56:33):
It's a wonderful life thing.
I asked these other kids whydon't you right now tell her
what it would mean to you if shewas dead?
Well, more tears.
But you know that deposit wentin.
So, dad, what I'm saying is,even if your daughter has been
suicidal, you don't know that,but she probably has friends who
have been.
So these topics that are maybemore, I would say, uncomfortable

(56:57):
topics for you to lead, Iguarantee you it's a game
changer in knowing your daughter.
Okay.
So, dad, again I'm giving youwhat you need to succeed on that
section.
Fourth section lead her tolament I said this in the first
half of our conversation here isthat my husband, dr Ken
Canfield.
He founded the National Centerfor Fathering.

(57:17):
So he and I co -chair thefather-daughter initiative of
the National Center forFathering.
He did father-daughter summitsfor years, said he saw more men
say yes to Jesus coming out ofthat event than any other thing
he's ever done.
Started that in 1990.
So he's been doing it a longtime.
But really, dad, I'm telling youso when my husband is saying

(57:39):
you know, this is, this is truthfrom what he knows, it carries
weight.
He said I think that is yourmost important section in the
whole book, because where wehaven't attended to woundedness
right, it begins to take over.
That's where I think we eithernumb with pornography, with
drugs, with alcohol, withbusyness, with ministry
overworking can be that kind ofthing or it's what ends up

(58:02):
taking us down, where we justinternally like I think some of
that's me I shared earlier aboutmy abuse history what I've done
to combat that a lot of my lifeis I've become a perfectionist.
I've become as an oldestdaughter and overworked her.
I'm the oldest of four.
We're all so very different butI didn't even realize how much
of that overachieving was justkind of helping me avoid going

(58:24):
there.
So eight years of counseling ed.
I was in in my kind of wipedout my my uh twenties, early
thirties.
But you know, at the end of theday I would go through it again
, cause the Jesus I learned inBible school when I faced my
pain got down into my heartspace.
And, dad, if you've never doneyour own work that way, I
encourage you, find someone whocan walk with you through that.

(58:45):
Reach out to me,drmichellewatsonatgmailcom.
Like let's keep a conversationgoing.
Do your work so that yourdaughter sees right More is
caught than taught, that it'sokay to do that, to look under
the hood, and maybe some ofthese conversations with your
daughter will be a way that youwill begin doing that in your
own life.
In this lament section, whichnow sets me up to give the

(59:08):
finale, the last chapter, is,lead her to listen.
So this is where you hand yourdaughter the book and she has
questions to ask you about yourlife, and I've had some
daughters say I hate being onthe hot seat all the time.
Well, you might want to goevery other one.
She asks you a question.
You ask her a question.
You know a set of questions.

(59:28):
So this is where she's going toask you about your childhood,
your relationship with your momand your dad, your work history.
A great question in that sectionis she can ask you dad, tell me
something you've learned thehard way that no one taught you.
Or, dad, tell me about one ofthe most stupid things you've
ever done.
Because really, dad, if youtell her that story one, it's

(59:52):
going to give you more empathyand compassion and patience with
her, because you're going toremember what you were like at
that story One.
It's going to give you moreempathy and compassion and
patience with her because you'regoing to remember what you were
like at that age.
But it's also going to helpyour daughter see you as more
normal, more human, more real,and then she's going to open up
more with you.

Speaker 3 (01:00:07):
That's so good.

Speaker 1 (01:00:09):
She can ask you about your relationship with God.
How do you understand God as afather in relationship to your
relationship with your, inrelation to your relationship
with your earthly father?
But really, at the end of theday, it's about dads and
daughters having conversations,learning to talk, learning to
listen.
And then one of the things Isay at the end of the book is if
you forget everything else I'vesaid, just let's talk T-A-L-K.

(01:00:32):
If you sometimes go, I don'tknow where to go with my
daughter, this might help youremember.
T is it's about time.
How much quantity time are yougiving her?
I think sometimes we believeit's just quality time.
Nope, at the end of the day,you've got to put the time into
anything right Sports, training,running the plates you got to

(01:00:53):
put the time in.
So maybe that's a way to askyourself how much time have I
actually spent face-to-face withmy daughter this week?
You know, statistics show, sadly, it's like seven minutes
between parents and kids.
Maybe double that, make it 14this week.
14 minutes I'm going tointentionally put that, but time
right Is key.
A is affection.

(01:01:15):
How much physical touch, safetouch, are you giving your
daughter Because she's going tointernalize that she's worth
being safely honored physicallyby that one Ella's listening,
really remembering.
You have two ears and one mouthfor a reason.
Maybe that's where you want tofocus this week upping your game
to be a better listener, anactive listener, a reflective
listener, mirroring back whatshe says, say her exact words

(01:01:38):
back.
Oh, so you really feel tiredtoday?
Yes, I do.
Nobody understands me.
Wow, no one understands you,not as a question of doubt, but
it's a statement of affirmation,listening, letting her know you
heard what she said.
And then the last one iskindness.
I think sometimes men say no, Igotta be the heavy, or mom tees

(01:01:59):
you up to be the heavy.
Just remember, proverbs talksabout the word of kindness on
your tongue.
Just wrapping everything you doin kindness will, as Luke says.
Is it beginning of Luke aboutkindness?
God's kindness leads torepentance.
Maybe you have a daughterthat's really in a hard place.
How much kindness are youbringing to that relationship
with her in this really trickyseason?

(01:02:21):
But so time, affectionless andkindness.
So, man, we, we have packedthis full ed ever, with lots of
men to listen to and put intoaction that's why they can
listen to this over and over,and, over and over again, and
we're going to.

Speaker 3 (01:02:36):
Actually, after the live event, you get to pay a
small subscription fee andlisten to this as much as you
want to, because I'm going to,I'm learning today Our
quarterback here, michelleWatson, dr Michelle Watson
Canfield.
Give him a big hug and kissfrom me.

(01:02:56):
I just love the pioneering workthat your man has done for
years to raise the attentionthat we really do have a
fathering pandemic.

(01:03:18):
You know we have.
We have a fathering pandemicand you know, when you, when you
heal that with daughters andmake them healthier women that
we've learned they're going to,they're going to be your biggest
asset as a father when you're agrandpa.
And if you go my daughters Maryand Jessica and I have Kate and
McKenna through marriage aswell there's something that

(01:03:44):
happens where they got your back, when you have their heart.
Yeah, that's good, and mydaughters call me all the time
hey Dad, how you doing, how's itgoing?
I've been praying for you.
What's God saying to you?
What's going on?
They tell me their story, whatthey're going through, or
they'll just call and say heyDad, I just need some daddy time
.
And so we just get on the phoneand we'll talk.

(01:04:08):
And the secret, though, I'velearned is that I don't give
advice until they say is that Idon't give advice until they say
, dad, what do you think Ishould do with this?
Yeah, yeah.
Then I'll say would you likesome advice?
I don't jump in there, becauseif I jump in there, they think,
oh, here he is trying to fix meagain.

(01:04:29):
Yeah yeah, and then we have thisjust world-class conversation.
I want to just say this as wellto every dad You're going to be
the father of your daughtersfor the rest of your life, and
how you learn to father themwill translate into the way they

(01:04:52):
choose their man that theymarry and the way they're going
to treat their grandchildren andtheir granddaughters.
And so you get to choose thatlater story where you can be
talked as of a hero, like mykids do with me, not because of

(01:05:14):
football that I played, notbecause of churches I pastored,
but great conversations with thegirls on my story, and I am so
grateful I've learned so muchtoday from you.
And would you just give aclosing prayer to these guys
that are watching going?
Man, I got a lot of work to do,so if you're watching and

(01:05:36):
you're saying I need some help,open your hands right now and
let Dr Michelle pray for you.

Speaker 1 (01:05:45):
Abba, father, god, jesus Christ, lord of heaven and
earth and Holy Spirit, I thankyou that all three of you never
do anything apart from eachother and you are wrapped around
, every single man listening.
Would you put a deposit intothe core of his spirit that if
he ever feels alone, like he'sjust going against the tide and

(01:06:06):
nothing's supporting him and hisfamily or his life, would you
remind him that he's never lessthan four.
He's got all three of you fullyand completely at his
disposable, 24, seven.
God, I pray that there would bea new anointing on the men of
America to rise up and championtheir daughters, intentionally
and consistently, as they areconduits of your love, father,

(01:06:30):
god, into their daughters livesand hearts.
God, I pray that you wouldbegin to let them look at their
own brokenness and to be healedby you being reminded of John 6,
12, god, that you take all thebroken pieces and you say let
nothing be wasted.
Would you begin to raise up men, fathers in this nation who say

(01:06:51):
I don't care how many times I'mkicked down by my daughter, I'm
going to keep pursuing herheart and finding ways to let
her know I love her, even ifright now, the only thing I can
do is pray for her because Idon't have access into her life.
God, encouraged the menlistening today.
Let them know that you adore,as we talked about earlier, you

(01:07:12):
adore them.
They are valued by you, theyare treasured by you, and would
you encourage their hearts tokeep going?
Let them not be be caught up inthe lie that it's by their
might or their power.
Let them know, god, that theonly impact they can have in
their daughter's life is by yourspirit.
God, I also sense that you wantme to pray against a spirit of

(01:07:34):
fear that has gripped men, thatthey're afraid to do it wrong so
they do nothing.
Would you, father, god, holyspirit, jesus Christ, come
against that lie that they wouldhave to always do it?
Perfect.
Let them know it just mattersthat they show up and are
present, because it's not Lord,god, that you've given them a
spirit of fear.

(01:07:55):
You've given them power in you,a sound mind and love.
Those are what you give.
Let there be a renewal in theirspirits, their minds, their
hearts and their lives to knowthat they get to partner with
the Trinity in showing your love, father, to their daughters.
So encourage them today.
I pray that you would seal thiswork today with the Holy

(01:08:17):
Spirit's presence and power, allfor your glory, god, and
together we all say amen.

Speaker 3 (01:08:26):
Awesome.
Make sure you click the link.

Speaker 1 (01:08:29):
I've loved being here , thank you.

Speaker 3 (01:08:31):
Guys, click the link, sign up, get her book.
You will not.
You're going to have arevolution with the girls in
your story.

Speaker 1 (01:08:40):
A revolution with revelation.
There we go, drrachelwatsoncom.
Hallelujah.

Speaker 2 (01:08:45):
Hallelujah.

Speaker 3 (01:08:45):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:08:46):
Amen, awesome, awesome.

Speaker 3 (01:08:52):
And this blessed you.
Guys, we're going to send you afree gift.
If you sign up on the link,it's going to be in the chat A
free gift for you from us calledthe Difference of Father Makes,
and so we've been so honored toshare with you today, and stay
tuned for our next Huddle Upevent coming real soon.

Speaker 2 (01:09:14):
We hope you enjoyed the Father Difference podcast.
Are you ready to learn moreabout the Father Difference?
Well, we have a special giftfor you in the bio to help you
get started.
Remember the Father loves youand wants you to make the Father
Difference in your family.