March 26, 2025 • 22 mins
TRIGGER WARNING: This is the advice I avoided for YEARS because I knew it would force me to face every insecurity I had. But the truth? It was the ONLY thing that finally broke the cycle of toxic relationships and made me a magnet for healthy, loving relationships.
If you keep attracting the same emotionally unavailable partners—the ghosters, the breadcrumbers, the ones who leave you on standby until something “better” comes along—it’s not a coincidence. It’s a pattern. And it’s one I know all too well.
For years, I recycled the same five guys over and over, convinced that this time things would be different. They never were. The game changed when I finally stopped running—from relationships, from my fears, from myself.
The uncomfortable truth? The most transformative thing you can do is to intentionally be alone for a season. Not because you have to, but because your healing depends on it.
This episode of The Femme Cast is your wake-up call. We’re diving deep into:
- Why we chase unavailable partners (and what it really says about us)
- The generational wounds that keep us trapped in toxic cycles
- How being alone becomes your greatest superpower, not your punishment
- The exact steps to shift from chasing love to becoming a magnet for it
Listen now—because if you’re tired of the heartbreak, the disappointments, and the endless cycle of “maybe this time,” this episode might just change everything.
PS: Stop begging to be chosen. Choose yourself instead.
You’re not here to beg, chase, or perform for the bare minimum.
You’re here to reclaim your power and become magnetic to real, soul-aligned love, success, and abundance.
Reclaim the version of you that never had to beg to be chosen.
Book your 90-minute Sacred Reclamation Intensive.
But fair warning—authentic connections, aligned opportunities, and breakthroughs in love, money, and purpose are inevitable.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
I'm crusty as fuck because Ijust smashed my middle finger in
my the arm of my mic, yay.
So it's probably gonna lookugly and purple and blue
tomorrow, but it is what it is.
And I actually checked in and Isaid, I asked myself, I said
Self, do you still want torecord today?
(00:21):
And the answer was a bigresounding fuck yes.
So here we are, welcome back.
Welcome if you're new.
I wanted to answer a questionthat somebody kind of brought up
the other day and I had areally good think about it
Because I think I was avoidinganswering this question because
I realized it would trigger thecrap out of so many of you
(00:44):
realize it would trigger thecrap out of so many of you.
I know it would trigger thecrap out of me if you had told
me, like 10 years ago, that thiswas literally the answer to my
prayers when it came to breakingmy toxic relationship cycle and
becoming a magnet for healthylove.
It was like the one thing Iwish nobody would ever tell me
at the time, but it is the onething you really need to fucking
hear Like I don't know how manyother ways I can say it.
(01:05):
There's no way to sugarcoat it.
If you want to break the cycleof constantly being caught in
unhealthy relationship dynamics,of being in toxic relationships
, of being lied to, cheated onbreadcrumbs strung along and
basically put you know onstandby until the next best
thing comes along, please listento me.
(01:27):
Okay, the one single thing thatyou can do right now that is
going to change the trajectoryof your relationships for the
rest of your life is the onething that you're avoiding doing
, and that is being on your ownfor a season.
The amount of transformationthat you will move through as a
(01:50):
result of actually not being onyour own, because you're forced
to be, because you hate it,because you wish you had someone
with you, because you'relooking but you can't find
someone.
Or maybe you're not lookingbecause you don't think you're
good enough to go out there.
But deep down there's justlonging, this yearning, this
desire, this overwhelming desire, almost obsession, to have
(02:11):
somebody with you in your life,which I totally get.
I'm not judging.
I am not judging.
This is actually a wound that Ibelieve a lot of women are
moving through right now, andit's a wound that has been in
our DNA for many generations.
Okay, so here's my invitationto you If this sounds like you,
(02:35):
if you resonate with the personwho has been chasing and waiting
for and convincing the ghosters, the breadcrumbers, the
situationships, the friends withbenefits that never really work
out to anything else Listen,take time out, be by yourself
(02:57):
and don't just be by yourselfand settle for being by yourself
because you feel like that'swhat you have to do, like like
that's all your, that'savailable to you.
Really take time to be withyourself, like like get to know
yourself, spend time withyourself, ask yourself questions
what do you need?
(03:17):
What do you want?
What's hurting, what's sad,what's angry?
What do you need to look at?
What do you need to movethrough?
What have you been ignoring,neglecting, what is a priority
for you that maybe you've beenputting on the back burner
because you've been so busychasing after?
God knows what you've beenchasing after, because God knows
what.
I know what I was chasing after.
(03:39):
I don't know what you werechasing after, but I know what I
was chasing after and there wasnothing at the end of that race
.
Nothing, nothing but heartache,grief, disappointment,
loneliness and more trauma andmore hurt and more toxicity.
So please do yourself a favor.
(04:00):
I know it's a cliche, but theysay that crazy is.
The definition of crazy isdoing.
You know, doing the same thingover and over again and
expecting different results.
What could you possibly standto gain from doing the exact
same thing you've been doing forthe last?
I don't know how many yearsthat you've been in this.
It's complicated relationshipstatus with one or more people.
What do you possibly have togain from going out there and
(04:23):
going to the same places to meetthem?
Or having the same staleconversations online?
Or, you know, going to the samebars, or, you know, re-dipping
into the same pool of people whoalready hurt you the last time
this was me, oh my God.
There was a post online theother day and it said there's
two people in the world.
There's the people who you knowkeep going after the same
partner, and then there's thepeople who you know keep going
(04:44):
after the the the same partner,um, and then there's the people
who actually like I can'tremember what they said same
partner, and those peopleactually go out with somebody
that they're not like used togoing out with.
I go.
And then there's the recyclers,which I was, I had the same
pond of people like probablylike five, five people that I
would just like keep recycling,and I would get to the end of
the recycling thing and I wouldgo right back to the beginning
(05:05):
and start with number one, two,three, four, five, then go back
to the beginning.
I swear to God, I dated thesame fucking five guys over and
over again, but anyway, and noneof them ever worked out.
None ever worked out.
It was just such a waste of mytime and energy and love and,
(05:27):
believe me, I had so much loveto give but it was just like I
was just hung up on this idea orthis notion that I needed to
find somebody.
You know, and if I think backto where I was in those moments,
you know, before I went on myrelationship hiatus, you know I
was going from relationship torelationship to relationship and
(05:48):
again you know the same.
You know we're cycling.
I was going from one to thenext and you know, always
knowing something was missing,always knowing what was waiting
for me at the end of thatrelationship, which was nothing
more than disappointment andhurt and heartbreak.
And yet I kept going back andit was like there was a part of
(06:10):
me that needed to convincemyself that it was going to be
different this time.
But it wasn't.
I would go into it thinking Iwas being different than I'm.
This time I'm going to dothings differently.
I'm going to do things better.
I'm going to show up like thisI'm going to whatever change
about myself you know, whetherit's my looks, or how I talk, or
how I laugh, or how I, whateverI would come into the
relationship thinking everythingwas going to be different this
(06:31):
time.
Maybe we different for thefirst couple of weeks, but then,
slowly, old patterns wouldstart to come back and the
relationship would end up justas much as a hot mess as it was
the last time, sometimes evenmore so, because now you've got
this accumulation of hot messthat wasn't there the last time,
and it was.
It just became so exhausting.
And when I think back to why Ikept doing that, you know when I
(06:53):
, when I think of those, thoseare those really key moments.
Between each of thoserelationships there was this
unsettled feeling of of I'm onmy own right.
Between relationships.
One ended and before I decidedto move on and start chasing the
(07:14):
next one, there was this briefand didn't last very long.
It's very quick, because assoon as you feel it, that's the
moment that you're out theretrying to fill that void with
the next person right.
So you feel this hint of I'malone now, and then there's this
fear of like what if I'm alwaysalone?
(07:35):
What if I never find somebody?
What if the last guy was asgood as it got?
What if Mr Right was right infront of me all along?
And I know I blew it.
I totally blew it.
I did something wrong, Imisread the situation, I was too
hard on him, my expectationswere too high.
You know, maybe things wouldhave changed, like, if I, you
(07:57):
know, gave it one more week.
Maybe they would have becamethe man of my dreams if I just
waited that one more week.
Please, baby, just take abreath.
Okay, listen.
Please, baby, just take abreath, okay, listen.
One thing we always forget, youknow we have to, when people
show us who they are and againI'm throwing cliches left, right
and center today when peopleshow you who they are, believe
(08:21):
them.
You know, when you datedsomebody for a couple of months,
or you know, it really onlytakes a few weeks, but even like
, if you've dated somebody for acouple of months and or you
know it really only takes a fewweeks.
But even like, if you've datedsomebody for a couple of months
and they've continuously showedyou who they are, you got to
believe it.
Like there's.
There's, yeah, people change,but you know what they have to
want to change.
(08:44):
And usually when we're in theserelationships, thinking that
they're going to somehow becomethe relationship that we're
looking for, instead of justcoming into the relationship
that we've always wanted, itnever works out.
You know, and at the, at thecore of a lot of this, this
dysfunction and sorry, I'mpulling up my notes right now
(09:06):
the core of a lot of thisdysfunction is this fear that
we're not going to find somebody, the fear that that's as good
as it gets.
There's this FOMO that we getthat if we leave a relationship,
it's somehow going tomiraculously become the perfect
man.
He's somehow going to becomethe perfect man as soon as we
leave him.
I don't know what that isexactly.
(09:27):
I don't know how to put my like, how to what that or how
exactly it's like.
It's like it's like partnerFOMO, I don't know.
Or like situationship FOMO.
I don't know what it is, butthere's this thing that, oh my
God, what if I leave him andtomorrow he realizes he loves me
, or he becomes the perfectpartner, or he's the perfect
(09:48):
partner with the next chick thathe goes out with?
You know, and you just think,okay, I'll just have this one
more conversation, I'll say thisone more week, we'll, we'll go
on that one last date and I'llsee how it goes.
And then maybe that timethey're a little bit better and
they treat you a little bitkinder and they're like see,
it's all turning around, but itdoesn't.
They've shown you who they are.
They've shown you who they aremany times, and the reason why
(10:11):
this is so hard is because formany of us, it is uncomfortable
being alone, because when we'realone, when we're not chasing,
when we're not running, whenwe're not convincing, when we're
not putting all of our energyinto trying to get them to be
with us, we have no choice butto look at the parts of
ourselves that feeluncomfortable, and that is the
(10:33):
part that we're really runningfrom, and so them running from
us is really just a mirrorreflection of how we're running
from ourselves, because as we'rechasing them, we're running
from ourselves.
As they're running from us,they're showing us how we're
running from ourselves.
So the key to stopping all ofthe madness is just stop fucking
running from yourself.
You know, take a time out,spend time with yourself, fill
(10:57):
those uncomfortable voids andthose uncomfortable feelings and
thoughts and beliefs and fearsthat come up for you when you
think about not being withsomebody.
You know all those parts of youare parts that need your love
and attention and you knowthey're there for a reason.
And as long as you keep goingout there and running after them
, thinking they're going to fillall those voids for you, you're
(11:18):
going to keep attractingtoxicity.
So the key to breaking thecycle of attracting toxic
relationships is to pause, pauseand reflect.
What is it that I'm needing?
What is it that I'm feeling?
What is it that I'm afraid of?
What is it that I'm believingabout?
Love that is making me feellike I'm unworthy to experience
(11:41):
it, or that it's not availableto me, or that it's not safe for
me.
You know, look at all of thatstuff and really start to move
through all those little partsof yourself that has convinced
herself that she's not worthy oflove, that she's never going to
be loved, that she's afraid tobe alone.
Because, because, why, why areyou afraid to be alone?
(12:03):
You know that's a veryimportant question to ask
yourself again.
You know, like I think I thinkit goes a lot deeper and I think
that collectively, as women, weare moving through this sort of
generational wound of feelinglike we need someone there in
(12:23):
order to be okay.
I know I felt it, I still feelit, sometimes like to say that
it's completely gone.
It's not like it's tied into somany.
It's tied into not justemotional support, but like it's
almost, it's almost, in essence, tied into how safe we feel in
the world.
You know, and it's very realand especially as you start to
(12:46):
get older, I feel like it gets,it almost becomes more alive, I
think.
And a lot of that is upbringing, a lot of that is what we're
taught, you know, growing up.
A lot of it is reallygenerational right, and I think
that we're we're really cominginto a era where we're being
called or invited to kind ofbreak those patterns and break
those generational beliefs thatwe've been holding on to for so
(13:08):
long.
And that's not to say that wecan't have love.
Of course we can.
I believe everyone in thisplanet is worthy of love and can
have love in a healthy anduplifting way that feels safe
and supportive and nurturing.
But I think that that can onlyhappen after we've done the
(13:31):
inner work on ourselves and whenwe don't need it to fill a void
or to mask a pain or tocontradict a belief that we have
about ourselves.
That's our work, that's ourcommitment to that relationship,
that's cleaning up our side ofthe fence right, and only when
(13:51):
we do that work are we actuallygoing to be a match for a
healthy partner.
And that's the work that somany of us are avoiding by going
from partner to partner topartner to partner to partner,
because we just keep putting allthe onus on them to fix
whatever's going on on theinside for us, when in reality
what we need to do is take atime out, go within, feel the
(14:15):
stuff, get to know the stuff,talk to the stuff and then start
to rework the stuff so we canattract better stuff on the
outside.
It's really that simple and Iknow it's the icky work, but
this part of your journey can bebeautiful and it can be magical
.
And you know I always say thisyour time, on your own.
(14:39):
If you're doing like, I don'twant to say you're doing it
right or wrong, because there'sno real right or wrong way to do
it.
There's times where it's goingto feel uncomfortable and
there's times where it's not,and that's all fine.
But the goal, I'll say this thegoal is to get to the place
where you can be, journal yourthoughts and your feelings out
(15:00):
on a piece of paper, with yourfavorite herbal tea and your
music playing in the background.
Or, you know, taking yourselfout on dinner dates, you know
(15:22):
taking yourself on vacations andtrips of a lifetime, because
it's something that you'vealways wanted to do.
And maybe you've waited and thisis the I'm speaking from very
personal experience right now.
Maybe you've waited your entirelife for somebody to do that
with and that person never camealong.
And now it's like you know whatfuck it?
I'm gonna do it for me, with me, and have the time of your life
(15:47):
and enjoy this time on your ownand learn to discover yourself
All the stuff you've beenavoiding, all the stuff you've
been neglecting, all the stuffyou've been insecure about
letting it all just be there andspending time with it.
And this is what true self-lovemeans.
(16:08):
Self-love is not aboutgaslighting yourself into
believing that you love yourthick thighs when you don't, I
don't.
I don't love my thick thighs, Idon't love my wobbly bits.
I probably never will, andthat's fine.
But I can recognize that, eventhough there's some things about
(16:28):
myself that I'm not crazy about, I can still love myself
because I can still see theparts that are beautiful, the
parts that deserve love.
And you know what?
I may not be perfect, butnobody is, and that's okay.
And I can accept that I'mimperfect and I can accept that
there's parts of me that maybe Idon't love, but I am choosing
(16:55):
to accept and embrace and makethe best of because I deserve it
and I am worthy of love and Iam worthy of my own love and my
own acceptance.
And rather than, you know,berate myself, especially when
oh my God, especially when itcomes to weight, rather than
berate myself over, you know,whatever's going on or whatever
(17:15):
I feel isn't good enough or upto standard or worthy of love,
rather than do that is focus onall the things about myself that
I know are worthy of love, thatI know are good, that I know
bring value, that I know areworth loving and of high value.
And yeah, maybe there are someimperfect things, but those get
(17:36):
to be there and they don't getto negate all the other things
that make me amazing.
Do you know what I mean?
And I can work with those bits.
I can work with the wobbly bits.
I'll find ways to work with thewobbly bits.
I'm not going to let them holdme back frombly bits.
I'm not going to let them holdme back from my life.
I'm not going to let them holdme back from love and I'm
certainly not going to let themhold me back from being able to
(17:57):
appreciate who I am and what Ibring to a relationship.
And that's kind of it in anutshell.
You know and that's the beautyof you know, really taking the
time out to sit with again allyour fears about relationships,
all your beliefs about what youdeserve in a relationship, all
your fears about being without arelationship and what that
(18:20):
means about you and all thelittle parts of yourself that
maybe you feel uncomfortable tobe fully seen and witnessed in a
relationship.
You know how can you get closerand intimate and more connected
with all of that and bring thatinto deeper understanding and
bring your own wants, needs,feelings and desires to the
(18:41):
forefront of your conversationswith yourself and in your life
and then have a partner whocomes in and beautifully mirrors
that to you.
You know, that is a beautifulthing.
Do you need to do it for sevenyears?
No, probably not.
I think I needed to do it forseven years because I had a lot
of shit to rewire and I have topreach this shit, so I had to
(19:03):
get to a certain level of thegame before I could, like you
know, share it with you guys.
So, no, you don't need to do itfor seven years, but you do
need to spend some time on yourown, and the goal is to get to
the point where you can enjoy itand make it feel like your own
little love story, instead ofsomething that you do
begrudgingly or because you haveto, or because you have no
(19:25):
choice but to do it.
Because you get to, because itgets to be amazing and it gets
to be an incredible experience,and because you love spending
time with you, because when youlove spending time with you, so
will everybody else.
That is all for today.
You guys, let me know in thecomments below, or leave a
rating and review, or whereveryou're seeing this on Apple,
(19:46):
itunes or Spotify or wherever.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
Hey guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
I'm crusty as fuck because Ijust smashed my middle finger in
my the arm of my mic, yay.
So it's probably gonna lookugly and purple and blue
tomorrow, but it is what it is.
And I actually checked in and Isaid, I asked myself, I said
Self, do you still want torecord today?
(00:21):
And the answer was a bigresounding fuck yes.
So here we are, welcome back.
Welcome if you're new.
I wanted to answer a questionthat somebody kind of brought up
the other day and I had areally good think about it
Because I think I was avoidinganswering this question because
I realized it would trigger thecrap out of so many of you
(00:44):
realize it would trigger thecrap out of so many of you.
I know it would trigger thecrap out of me if you had told
me, like 10 years ago, that thiswas literally the answer to my
prayers when it came to breakingmy toxic relationship cycle and
becoming a magnet for healthylove.
It was like the one thing Iwish nobody would ever tell me
at the time, but it is the onething you really need to fucking
hear Like I don't know how manyother ways I can say it.
(01:05):
There's no way to sugarcoat it.
If you want to break the cycleof constantly being caught in
unhealthy relationship dynamics,of being in toxic relationships
, of being lied to, cheated onbreadcrumbs strung along and
basically put you know onstandby until the next best
thing comes along, please listento me.
(01:27):
Okay, the one single thing thatyou can do right now that is
going to change the trajectoryof your relationships for the
rest of your life is the onething that you're avoiding doing
, and that is being on your ownfor a season.
The amount of transformationthat you will move through as a
(01:50):
result of actually not being onyour own, because you're forced
to be, because you hate it,because you wish you had someone
with you, because you'relooking but you can't find
someone.
Or maybe you're not lookingbecause you don't think you're
good enough to go out there.
But deep down there's justlonging, this yearning, this
desire, this overwhelming desire, almost obsession, to have
(02:11):
somebody with you in your life,which I totally get.
I'm not judging.
I am not judging.
This is actually a wound that Ibelieve a lot of women are
moving through right now, andit's a wound that has been in
our DNA for many generations.
Okay, so here's my invitationto you If this sounds like you,
(02:35):
if you resonate with the personwho has been chasing and waiting
for and convincing the ghosters, the breadcrumbers, the
situationships, the friends withbenefits that never really work
out to anything else Listen,take time out, be by yourself
(02:57):
and don't just be by yourselfand settle for being by yourself
because you feel like that'swhat you have to do, like like
that's all your, that'savailable to you.
Really take time to be withyourself, like like get to know
yourself, spend time withyourself, ask yourself questions
what do you need?
(03:17):
What do you want?
What's hurting, what's sad,what's angry?
What do you need to look at?
What do you need to movethrough?
What have you been ignoring,neglecting, what is a priority
for you that maybe you've beenputting on the back burner
because you've been so busychasing after?
God knows what you've beenchasing after, because God knows
what.
I know what I was chasing after.
(03:39):
I don't know what you werechasing after, but I know what I
was chasing after and there wasnothing at the end of that race
.
Nothing, nothing but heartache,grief, disappointment,
loneliness and more trauma andmore hurt and more toxicity.
So please do yourself a favor.
(04:00):
I know it's a cliche, but theysay that crazy is.
The definition of crazy isdoing.
You know, doing the same thingover and over again and
expecting different results.
What could you possibly standto gain from doing the exact
same thing you've been doing forthe last?
I don't know how many yearsthat you've been in this.
It's complicated relationshipstatus with one or more people.
What do you possibly have togain from going out there and
(04:23):
going to the same places to meetthem?
Or having the same staleconversations online?
Or, you know, going to the samebars, or, you know, re-dipping
into the same pool of people whoalready hurt you the last time
this was me, oh my God.
There was a post online theother day and it said there's
two people in the world.
There's the people who you knowkeep going after the same
partner, and then there's thepeople who you know keep going
(04:44):
after the the the same partner,um, and then there's the people
who actually like I can'tremember what they said same
partner, and those peopleactually go out with somebody
that they're not like used togoing out with.
I go.
And then there's the recyclers,which I was, I had the same
pond of people like probablylike five, five people that I
would just like keep recycling,and I would get to the end of
the recycling thing and I wouldgo right back to the beginning
(05:05):
and start with number one, two,three, four, five, then go back
to the beginning.
I swear to God, I dated thesame fucking five guys over and
over again, but anyway, and noneof them ever worked out.
None ever worked out.
It was just such a waste of mytime and energy and love and,
(05:27):
believe me, I had so much loveto give but it was just like I
was just hung up on this idea orthis notion that I needed to
find somebody.
You know, and if I think backto where I was in those moments,
you know, before I went on myrelationship hiatus, you know I
was going from relationship torelationship to relationship and
(05:48):
again you know the same.
You know we're cycling.
I was going from one to thenext and you know, always
knowing something was missing,always knowing what was waiting
for me at the end of thatrelationship, which was nothing
more than disappointment andhurt and heartbreak.
And yet I kept going back andit was like there was a part of
(06:10):
me that needed to convincemyself that it was going to be
different this time.
But it wasn't.
I would go into it thinking Iwas being different than I'm.
This time I'm going to dothings differently.
I'm going to do things better.
I'm going to show up like thisI'm going to whatever change
about myself you know, whetherit's my looks, or how I talk, or
how I laugh, or how I, whateverI would come into the
relationship thinking everythingwas going to be different this
(06:31):
time.
Maybe we different for thefirst couple of weeks, but then,
slowly, old patterns wouldstart to come back and the
relationship would end up justas much as a hot mess as it was
the last time, sometimes evenmore so, because now you've got
this accumulation of hot messthat wasn't there the last time,
and it was.
It just became so exhausting.
And when I think back to why Ikept doing that, you know when I
(06:53):
, when I think of those, thoseare those really key moments.
Between each of thoserelationships there was this
unsettled feeling of of I'm onmy own right.
Between relationships.
One ended and before I decidedto move on and start chasing the
(07:14):
next one, there was this briefand didn't last very long.
It's very quick, because assoon as you feel it, that's the
moment that you're out theretrying to fill that void with
the next person right.
So you feel this hint of I'malone now, and then there's this
fear of like what if I'm alwaysalone?
(07:35):
What if I never find somebody?
What if the last guy was asgood as it got?
What if Mr Right was right infront of me all along?
And I know I blew it.
I totally blew it.
I did something wrong, Imisread the situation, I was too
hard on him, my expectationswere too high.
You know, maybe things wouldhave changed, like, if I, you
(07:57):
know, gave it one more week.
Maybe they would have becamethe man of my dreams if I just
waited that one more week.
Please, baby, just take abreath.
Okay, listen.
Please, baby, just take abreath, okay, listen.
One thing we always forget, youknow we have to, when people
show us who they are and againI'm throwing cliches left, right
and center today when peopleshow you who they are, believe
(08:21):
them.
You know, when you datedsomebody for a couple of months,
or you know, it really onlytakes a few weeks, but even like
, if you've dated somebody for acouple of months and or you
know it really only takes a fewweeks.
But even like, if you've datedsomebody for a couple of months
and they've continuously showedyou who they are, you got to
believe it.
Like there's.
There's, yeah, people change,but you know what they have to
want to change.
(08:44):
And usually when we're in theserelationships, thinking that
they're going to somehow becomethe relationship that we're
looking for, instead of justcoming into the relationship
that we've always wanted, itnever works out.
You know, and at the, at thecore of a lot of this, this
dysfunction and sorry, I'mpulling up my notes right now
(09:06):
the core of a lot of thisdysfunction is this fear that
we're not going to find somebody, the fear that that's as good
as it gets.
There's this FOMO that we getthat if we leave a relationship,
it's somehow going tomiraculously become the perfect
man.
He's somehow going to becomethe perfect man as soon as we
leave him.
I don't know what that isexactly.
(09:27):
I don't know how to put my like, how to what that or how
exactly it's like.
It's like it's like partnerFOMO, I don't know.
Or like situationship FOMO.
I don't know what it is, butthere's this thing that, oh my
God, what if I leave him andtomorrow he realizes he loves me
, or he becomes the perfectpartner, or he's the perfect
(09:48):
partner with the next chick thathe goes out with?
You know, and you just think,okay, I'll just have this one
more conversation, I'll say thisone more week, we'll, we'll go
on that one last date and I'llsee how it goes.
And then maybe that timethey're a little bit better and
they treat you a little bitkinder and they're like see,
it's all turning around, but itdoesn't.
They've shown you who they are.
They've shown you who they aremany times, and the reason why
(10:11):
this is so hard is because formany of us, it is uncomfortable
being alone, because when we'realone, when we're not chasing,
when we're not running, whenwe're not convincing, when we're
not putting all of our energyinto trying to get them to be
with us, we have no choice butto look at the parts of
ourselves that feeluncomfortable, and that is the
(10:33):
part that we're really runningfrom, and so them running from
us is really just a mirrorreflection of how we're running
from ourselves, because as we'rechasing them, we're running
from ourselves.
As they're running from us,they're showing us how we're
running from ourselves.
So the key to stopping all ofthe madness is just stop fucking
running from yourself.
You know, take a time out,spend time with yourself, fill
(10:57):
those uncomfortable voids andthose uncomfortable feelings and
thoughts and beliefs and fearsthat come up for you when you
think about not being withsomebody.
You know all those parts of youare parts that need your love
and attention and you knowthey're there for a reason.
And as long as you keep goingout there and running after them
, thinking they're going to fillall those voids for you, you're
(11:18):
going to keep attractingtoxicity.
So the key to breaking thecycle of attracting toxic
relationships is to pause, pauseand reflect.
What is it that I'm needing?
What is it that I'm feeling?
What is it that I'm afraid of?
What is it that I'm believingabout?
Love that is making me feellike I'm unworthy to experience
(11:41):
it, or that it's not availableto me, or that it's not safe for
me.
You know, look at all of thatstuff and really start to move
through all those little partsof yourself that has convinced
herself that she's not worthy oflove, that she's never going to
be loved, that she's afraid tobe alone.
Because, because, why, why areyou afraid to be alone?
(12:03):
You know that's a veryimportant question to ask
yourself again.
You know, like I think I thinkit goes a lot deeper and I think
that collectively, as women, weare moving through this sort of
generational wound of feelinglike we need someone there in
(12:23):
order to be okay.
I know I felt it, I still feelit, sometimes like to say that
it's completely gone.
It's not like it's tied into somany.
It's tied into not justemotional support, but like it's
almost, it's almost, in essence, tied into how safe we feel in
the world.
You know, and it's very realand especially as you start to
(12:46):
get older, I feel like it gets,it almost becomes more alive, I
think.
And a lot of that is upbringing, a lot of that is what we're
taught, you know, growing up.
A lot of it is reallygenerational right, and I think
that we're we're really cominginto a era where we're being
called or invited to kind ofbreak those patterns and break
those generational beliefs thatwe've been holding on to for so
(13:08):
long.
And that's not to say that wecan't have love.
Of course we can.
I believe everyone in thisplanet is worthy of love and can
have love in a healthy anduplifting way that feels safe
and supportive and nurturing.
But I think that that can onlyhappen after we've done the
(13:31):
inner work on ourselves and whenwe don't need it to fill a void
or to mask a pain or tocontradict a belief that we have
about ourselves.
That's our work, that's ourcommitment to that relationship,
that's cleaning up our side ofthe fence right, and only when
(13:51):
we do that work are we actuallygoing to be a match for a
healthy partner.
And that's the work that somany of us are avoiding by going
from partner to partner topartner to partner to partner,
because we just keep putting allthe onus on them to fix
whatever's going on on theinside for us, when in reality
what we need to do is take atime out, go within, feel the
(14:15):
stuff, get to know the stuff,talk to the stuff and then start
to rework the stuff so we canattract better stuff on the
outside.
It's really that simple and Iknow it's the icky work, but
this part of your journey can bebeautiful and it can be magical
.
And you know I always say thisyour time, on your own.
(14:39):
If you're doing like, I don'twant to say you're doing it
right or wrong, because there'sno real right or wrong way to do
it.
There's times where it's goingto feel uncomfortable and
there's times where it's not,and that's all fine.
But the goal, I'll say this thegoal is to get to the place
where you can be, journal yourthoughts and your feelings out
(15:00):
on a piece of paper, with yourfavorite herbal tea and your
music playing in the background.
Or, you know, taking yourselfout on dinner dates, you know
(15:22):
taking yourself on vacations andtrips of a lifetime, because
it's something that you'vealways wanted to do.
And maybe you've waited and thisis the I'm speaking from very
personal experience right now.
Maybe you've waited your entirelife for somebody to do that
with and that person never camealong.
And now it's like you know whatfuck it?
I'm gonna do it for me, with me, and have the time of your life
(15:47):
and enjoy this time on your ownand learn to discover yourself
All the stuff you've beenavoiding, all the stuff you've
been neglecting, all the stuffyou've been insecure about
letting it all just be there andspending time with it.
And this is what true self-lovemeans.
(16:08):
Self-love is not aboutgaslighting yourself into
believing that you love yourthick thighs when you don't, I
don't.
I don't love my thick thighs, Idon't love my wobbly bits.
I probably never will, andthat's fine.
But I can recognize that, eventhough there's some things about
(16:28):
myself that I'm not crazy about, I can still love myself
because I can still see theparts that are beautiful, the
parts that deserve love.
And you know what?
I may not be perfect, butnobody is, and that's okay.
And I can accept that I'mimperfect and I can accept that
there's parts of me that maybe Idon't love, but I am choosing
(16:55):
to accept and embrace and makethe best of because I deserve it
and I am worthy of love and Iam worthy of my own love and my
own acceptance.
And rather than, you know,berate myself, especially when
oh my God, especially when itcomes to weight, rather than
berate myself over, you know,whatever's going on or whatever
(17:15):
I feel isn't good enough or upto standard or worthy of love,
rather than do that is focus onall the things about myself that
I know are worthy of love, thatI know are good, that I know
bring value, that I know areworth loving and of high value.
And yeah, maybe there are someimperfect things, but those get
(17:36):
to be there and they don't getto negate all the other things
that make me amazing.
Do you know what I mean?
And I can work with those bits.
I can work with the wobbly bits.
I'll find ways to work with thewobbly bits.
I'm not going to let them holdme back frombly bits.
I'm not going to let them holdme back from my life.
I'm not going to let them holdme back from love and I'm
certainly not going to let themhold me back from being able to
(17:57):
appreciate who I am and what Ibring to a relationship.
And that's kind of it in anutshell.
You know and that's the beautyof you know, really taking the
time out to sit with again allyour fears about relationships,
all your beliefs about what youdeserve in a relationship, all
your fears about being without arelationship and what that
(18:20):
means about you and all thelittle parts of yourself that
maybe you feel uncomfortable tobe fully seen and witnessed in a
relationship.
You know how can you get closerand intimate and more connected
with all of that and bring thatinto deeper understanding and
bring your own wants, needs,feelings and desires to the
(18:41):
forefront of your conversationswith yourself and in your life
and then have a partner whocomes in and beautifully mirrors
that to you.
You know, that is a beautifulthing.
Do you need to do it for sevenyears?
No, probably not.
I think I needed to do it forseven years because I had a lot
of shit to rewire and I have topreach this shit, so I had to
(19:03):
get to a certain level of thegame before I could, like you
know, share it with you guys.
So, no, you don't need to do itfor seven years, but you do
need to spend some time on yourown, and the goal is to get to
the point where you can enjoy itand make it feel like your own
little love story, instead ofsomething that you do
begrudgingly or because you haveto, or because you have no
(19:25):
choice but to do it.
Because you get to, because itgets to be amazing and it gets
to be an incredible experience,and because you love spending
time with you, because when youlove spending time with you, so
will everybody else.
That is all for today.
You guys, let me know in thecomments below, or leave a
rating and review, or whereveryou're seeing this on Apple,
(19:46):
itunes or Spotify or wherever.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
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