Have you ever trusted someone so completely that the thought of him one day cheating never even crossed your mind—only to be blindsided by betrayal? Or realized, after the heartbreak, that the deepest betrayal wasn’t his lies, but the way you abandoned your own needs, dreams, and intuition just to keep the relationship?
In this episode of The Femme Cast, we are going to talk about how being cheated on was my greatest lesson in self-trust and self-worth, and how it was repairing me for a life I did not even see coming, so that you too, can begin to see the lesson and the blessing in your own heartbreak or betrayal.
I share the raw truth of what I had to face: how I silenced my intuition, turned my back on my dreams, and lost my identity in the relationship. Like so many women, I believed love meant sacrificing myself and making my relationship my focus. But when betrayal shattered my reality, I had to confront how deeply I had abandoned myself long before he betrayed me.
This heartbreak became my wake-up call. I realized I wasn’t just betrayed by him—I had been betraying me. And that painful ending? It became the doorway to healing my self-worth, reclaiming my dreams, and discovering the life and purpose I never saw coming.
If you’ve ever felt broken by betrayal, blindsided by infidelity, or stuck in the cycle of self-abandonment for love, this episode will shift the story for you. You’ll learn why heartbreak can be a portal to radical self-love, unshakable self-trust, and the soul-aligned love and expansion you’ve been waiting for.
Because sometimes the betrayal you thought would destroy you is actually the lesson that sets you free.
Are you healing from cheating? Betrayal? A heartbreak that not only broke your heart but broke your life?
If so, join me for She Rises: A FREE & LIVE 90-minute healing and activation experience for the woman ready to alchemize the pain of lies, betrayal, and being cheated on into unapologetic power, radiant confidence, and the woman she was always meant to be.
Betrayal doesn’t get the final word — you do.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
Welcome, if you're new.
Some exciting things happeningon the Femcast in the coming
week.
So, if you're catching this atthe time around the time of
posting, which is August of 2025, a exciting workshop and
(00:22):
healing and activation happeninglive on September, the 15th.
It is a free live healing andactivation circle.
If you remember, we did thisback in August.
She rises, healing from cheating, reclaiming your worth and
rising into your radiance, powerand purpose.
It is a powerful 90-minutemasterclass where we're going to
do a healing and activation toreally help you to heal from any
(00:46):
kind of cheating, betrayal orheartbreak and use that as
energy to refuel your greatesttransformation and really
allowing you to step into whothe situation is really trying
to help you to become.
I really and truly believe thatsituations like this heartbreak
like this doesn't happen unlessit's trying to transform us
(01:13):
into a different and morepowerful version of ourselves, a
more honest version ofourselves, and that is the
reason that these things happen.
Nothing that happens in ourlives is ever random.
You know, I know, I know thatthere's this narrative out there
(01:35):
that you know, we, we, weattract what we believe we
deserve, which to, yes, is true,but I think sometimes things
happen to us because they'remeant to, because they're meant
to transform us in ways that wedidn't think was possible.
I think the real belief work,the mindset work, is in how we
(01:57):
view these events, and that hasbeen one of the most powerful
transformations that I've evermade in my life, because take it
from somebody who was punishingherself for like 10 years for
what I was manifesting what Ididn't realize is that
everything that I wasmanifesting was everything that
my soul needed to really totransform, to involve, to really
(02:19):
take its power back and reallyembody who it was that I came
here, to be.
Okay, that has been one of themost profound shifts I've ever
made in my life and I would Ilove, I would love for you guys
to just sit with that for aminute.
Whatever's happening right now,whatever brought you to this
(02:41):
episode, whatever brought you tothis podcast, I just want you
to sit with the possibility thatwhatever is happening to you
right now, no matter how painful, no matter how difficult, it is
happening for your highest goodand it is transforming you in
so many ways that you probablydon't even see yet.
(03:02):
Okay, and that's exactly whatwe're going to talk about in
today's episode, so that's kindof why I wanted to start there.
So let's dive into theconversation today.
I really wanted to talk abouthow being cheated on was one of
my greatest transformation andmy most powerful lessons in the
art of self-love and self-trust,really, and how it was really
(03:26):
the stepping stone into, youknow, one of my greatest
transformations and waspreparing me for a life that I
didn't even know or see coming.
You know, and it's you know.
When I look back on who I wasbefore that happened and
(03:48):
everything that has happenedsince, and how I've transformed,
how my life has transformed, Ican honestly tell you I would go
through all of that all overagain, knowing who I am now, on
the other side of all of it.
Okay, so let me just set thestage for you.
Okay, you know, as somebody whoyou know I had, I had pretty
(04:12):
much been single for most of mylife, so this was probably my
first real serious, intimateconnection.
I mean, there were, there, were, there were, no, that actually
that's not true.
I did have some.
I did have.
You know, I was always inrelationship when I was younger
and in high school, and I hadsome long-term relationships
there, but this was probably myfirst real serious adult
(04:33):
relationship, right?
Um, for the most part, most ofmy adult life I had been quite
single.
Um, and you know, I had some I,I I had a bit of an attitude.
Uh, especially in my earlytwenties, you know, I had some
pretty audacious dreams of ofhow my life was going to unfold
(04:54):
and some of the things that Iwas going to accomplish.
I was in fashion school at thetime.
Um, I had so many big plans anddreams.
Um, when I think back, um, youknow, the know, like the devil,
the devil wears Prada, whichprobably came after all of that.
But the devil wears Prada wasprobably my, my goalpost of how
(05:14):
I wanted my life to play out forme, even before the movie came
out, which was which was funny,because when that movie came out
, it was it, I was in thisrelationship and it was kind of
this wake up moment of oh wow,this is everything I ever wanted
.
And I've completely turned myback on Like it was.
Like it was like, suddenlythere was the life that I was
dreaming and I I mean all, allcomedy aside, you know,
(05:37):
obviously, the lesson in thestory and the devil wears Prada,
um was she got everything youknow that every girl wanted, but
she still wasn't happy with it,right, um?
So you know there's a lesson inthat as well.
But being able to see that onthe screen in front of me in
that moment, you know severalyears um into the relationship
(06:03):
and I think at this point youknow the cheating had already
taken place and you know I wastrying to live in this was, I
think, the stage probably whereI was trying to live in this
denial that I could make it work.
Or you know that we could getthrough it, that we could work
through it.
Or maybe I did imagine it theway he said I did which I didn't
, said I did which I didn't.
(06:31):
And so here I was watching thismovie and he was watching it
with me.
We were having a good laughabout it, but deep down there
was this little voice in my headthat said this was everything
that you wanted, that you turnedyour back on, like, where is
this girl?
Where is the girl who wanted toaccomplish all this in her life
?
Where was the girl who hadthese big dreams, these big
goals, these big ambitions.
Like, where did she go?
Do you even see her?
Do you even recognize her?
Like, would you know her if yousaw her walking down the street
(06:53):
?
I probably would not.
With the betrayal was probablyone of my biggest, biggest
wake-up calls into how I hadbasically been betraying myself,
how I completely turned my backon who I was, what I wanted,
(07:18):
what I needed, what I wasfeeling, what I was dreaming
about, and just became anextension of this person, right,
a representation of you know, Ibecame the person who was in
this relationship and that wasmy identity.
Like I literally lost myselfcompletely in this relationship.
(07:40):
And I think, you know, was itbecause I had been single for so
long through my adult life that, you know, I think part of me
was just excited to be in aserious connection.
And you know, I think part ofme, like I always I shared in
another episode I used to alwayssing in the back of the car
with my friends every Friday,saturday night, is the song by
(08:05):
Madonna, all by Myself, becauseI really did believe at that
point.
You know, yes, I had these biggoals, yes, I had these big
dreams, but there was a part ofme that thought I would be alone
forever.
You know, like I never wouldfind that person to really click
with, to really connect with,and you know, having come close
(08:26):
to a relationship so many timesbut never actually like being
able to establish a healthyadult relationship it was.
It was starting to feel veryfar away, and so, when this
relationship came into my life,I was so excited that it was
here, I was so excited that hewas here, I was so excited that
(08:51):
I finally felt chosen, like wow,this person's choosing to be
with me, like, oh, my God, youknow.
And so being in thisrelationship, um, became
everything to me and nurturingthe, the relationship and
nurturing, um, you know who wewere in.
(09:15):
The relationship and the lifethat we were going to, you know,
create together.
I.
It became all about therelationship in this person and
that and that became the focusof my life and every other
decision that I made, whether itwas where I was going to work,
what I was going to do with mytime, my lifestyle, every
(09:36):
decision became about how itwould support this relationship,
or how it would work with thisrelationship, or how I can make
decisions in my life to bettersupport this relationship right.
And I don't even think it wasabout him per se.
(09:57):
I think it was about therelationship and having the
relationship and keeping therelationship and making sure the
relationship was the best thatit could be.
And I think it's because, forme, for so long I didn't think I
would have that and so when Idid, you know it was like white
knuckling, trying to hold on toit and make sure that it didn't
(10:21):
slip through my fingers and thatI was doing everything possible
to hang on to it.
And you know that all comesfrom this deep-rooted belief
that I wasn't good enough toreally be loved, that I had to
work hard at it, that I had tomake sure I made it my focus and
made sure that I did everythingthat I could in order to
continue to be chosen, in orderto continue to be chosen.
(10:56):
But what I did realize in thatconnection was that how naive I
was in thinking that he wasfeeling the same way, and it's
funny because there were redflags that he wasn't.
And I mean it wasn't a healthyway to think.
No one should be in arelationship thinking making
their connection or theirrelationship the center focus of
(11:16):
their life and that would be ahealthy form of attachment right
.
That would be a secureattachment where I was clearly,
clearly, clearly an anxiousattachment right, even though
even before there was any needto be, but it wasn't.
But I almost felt, and believethat or I just assumed, maybe,
(11:42):
that if I felt that way, that hefelt the same way too, because
even though I, you know, feltlike I had to work hard for this
relationship and I felt like Ihad to make it the focus of my
life, I don't know if, when Ithink back now, if that's
because, well, obviously I hadsome deep, you know, self-worth
issues, deep self-worth issues.
But also that's how I learned,I guess, through people around
(12:09):
me, through family andtraditions and beliefs.
That's how I just learned thatyou're supposed to be in
relationship, right, and so Ijust assumed that he believed
the same thing that I did andthat that was life.
Much to my, you know, shock, hedidn't feel the same way.
(12:30):
You know, when I found out aboutthe infidelity and the cheating
and the lying, the betrayal, Iwas blindsided, like I can't
stress this enough.
I did not see it coming at alland I think you know this is
(12:56):
where oftentimes, you know, myperspective differs from a lot
of the other coaches andrelationship healers out there.
You know, people always say youknow, you have to be able to
trust your partner and take whatthey say at face value and not
let your mind.
You know, not let your mind andyour self-doubt take you all
these places.
But I really believed I couldtrust this person with my life.
There was not a cell in my bodythat ever doubted him or his
(13:20):
love for me, or our relationship, or that we would be together
forever, him or his love for me,or our relationship, or that we
would be together forever.
I, it was my, it was the core ofeverything that I believed that
, that we loved each other, thatwe were 150% committed to one
another in our life together andthat we were both willing to do
(13:42):
everything in our power to makethis relationship worth.
So, yes, did I have self-worthissues?
But yes, I did Absolutely,because otherwise, you know,
none of this would have happened.
I never would haveself-abandoned if I didn't, you
know, let's make that clear andI never would have had this
feeling of, you know, needing tomake love the center focus of
(14:04):
my life had I not had, you knowthis self, lack of self-worth,
anxious attachment style,conditioning kind of, you know,
lurking beneath the surface.
But you know, having said that,cheating was not on my radar,
infidelity was not on my radar.
Him leaving me for someone elseor choosing to be with someone
else, or even, you know, beinginterested in someone else, was
(14:27):
not on my radar.
Mentally, maybe subconsciously,who knows, but like mentally,
that never even crossed my mind.
That was like no, that's nevergoing to.
It was like an unheard of Like.
If there was things that Ifeared, you know, maybe it was.
You know, problems in our life,you know, maybe driving a wedge
(14:48):
between us, you know, thingslike that, that, that part, you
know, I was afraid of.
I was afraid of, you know, notcreating that safe container for
the relationship to reallythrive.
I think that's where my focuswas.
But I never had that fear thatsomeone would come along and
take it away.
You know that was, that was,that was not even on my radar.
(15:09):
And so when, when I found outwhat was happening, when I
realized what was happening, um,that moment, like was life
altering, life altering.
I can still remember it feltlike it just rocked me right to
(15:30):
the core and I can remember ittook a while, for after I had
the realization what was goingon, I kind of went in sort of
like this numb sort of comatosestate and I was kind of walking
around like a zombie for severalweeks, as mentally I was kind
of processing what I had come torealize and I, I had addressed
the issues with him and I, youknow, I, I had expressed to him
(15:52):
like, look, like what's what'sgoing on, like what is this,
what is this that I'm seeing,what is this that I'm?
What am I seeing?
What are what, what, what isthis that's unfolding?
What am I supposed to do withall this information?
Because there was, suddenlythere was like all these signs
everywhere that I had not beenpaying attention to, and and and
there was, there was an obviousmoment where I could recall um,
(16:15):
where she called on a Sundaymorning we were still in bed
together and I could, I couldclearly hear her talking to him
on the phone, um, and you knowshe was a-worker and you know he
said it was just a co-worker,and but I'm like, but you don't
talk to your co-workers likethat, like that's not right,
right.
And I could clearly hear her onthe other end of the phone and
I could clearly hear everythingshe was saying and I could hear
(16:36):
the tone in which she was sayingit, and I can also see how
frantically he was trying to getoff the phone and immediately
like, distract me, um, andsomething in me was like kicking
and screaming.
This isn't right.
This is not right.
(16:58):
There's something wrong here.
I've like, uh, it was likethere's a part of me that was
just like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't,
don't ignore this part thatyou're seeing here.
And so, you know, gave me allthe excuses, gave me all the
rationales, gave, you know, kindof told me everything that I
(17:19):
wanted to hear in that moment.
But there was still a part of methat was like you know, you
know it's not the truth, youknow what he's saying.
And I could and it's so funny,like I couldn't articulate it
then, but I can, I can, I couldsee it now, where you know, as,
(17:39):
as you know, we move throughthis experience and as we move
through you know trying to healthis and you know, trying to
move through it and eventually,you know having it be the reason
for why we fell apart, onething I got really good at in
that process was being able tosee when he was lying to me and
when his energy would shift.
(17:59):
And you know, when I look backnow, it's very obvious to me
what was happening.
But in that moment I didn'tknow, because that was the first
time I was experiencing, orconsciously experiencing, that
version of him.
And so for weeks I took what hesaid.
You know, I have to like trustwhat he's saying to me and I'm
(18:20):
trying to believe it and I'mtrying to convince myself that I
have nothing to worry about,and I'm trying to convince
myself that everything is okay.
But there's this naggingfeeling inside of me that no,
this is not right.
Like this is not okay.
You need to trust what youheard, you need to trust what
you felt, you need to trust howit sounded when you heard it,
you need to trust the tone inthe voices, the body language,
(18:43):
the response.
You need to trust all of that,because those are all
indications that something isnot right.
Someone is not being on thelevel, someone is lying, someone
is hiding, someone is keepingsomething from you.
And so for weeks I walked aroundin this kind of comatose state
of trying to convince myselfthat everything was okay and
trying to feel like everythingwas okay and trying to move
(19:04):
through the motions of my dailylife and go on business as usual
.
But I was numbing.
And then there was a momentwhen I was visiting with my
family at the time and I was inthe kitchen with my mom and my
sister and I can remember themasking me you're not yourself
lately what's going on?
What's going on with you guys?
(19:25):
You seem off and I tried toavoid the question as best I
could, but there was also a partof me that was dying to talk to
somebody, because I just didn'twant to feel like I was crazy
anymore.
And so I finally, you know,after some back and forth and
some questions and whatever, andyou know giving like little
(19:46):
bits and pieces of informationhere and there, I finally just
let it all out.
And I can remember like it wasyesterday, I collapsed on the
kitchen floor.
I was crying and screaming and,you know, trying to articulate
why this was happening, tryingto understand why this was
happening, trying to understandwhat was happening and trying to
(20:09):
understand how somebody that Iloved so much, that I had put so
much trust and so much faith inand so much of my hinged, so
much of my future on, could dosomething like this to me, right
, and I think that was the firsttime I had really come to the
realization of what was what wasgoing on.
(20:30):
And then the next few weeks andmonths would be the sort of
like unraveling of all thedetails and, and you know, all
the signs that had been in frontof me for so long.
Um, you know the coming homelate at night and and just just
so, so many things like latenight phone calls, leaving the
house late at night, you know,saying that he's going to work
(20:54):
for an emergency, when he's,like you know, getting a call at
like 930 in the evening sayingthat he's got to go into work
for an emergency, when he's beengetting ready like an hour
prior to the phone call.
So it's like, well, what areyou getting ready for?
Like normally we just kind ofsit in our pajamas on a Saturday
night and do nothing.
You know what I mean.
So I think the reason why I sayall that, you know, people in
(21:20):
you know in the relationshipspace and relationship healing
and relationship mentors willalways say you have to be able
to take your partner.
Like when your partner sayssomething, you have to be able
to trust them Clearly.
Like literally the opposite wastrue for me.
I trusted everything my partnersaid.
I didn't doubt it for a seconduntil that moment where I was
(21:44):
like, whoa, wait a second, am Imissing something here?
Like, have I been lying tomyself?
Because he's been telling meeverything that I've wanted to
hear?
And I've trusted him and I havetaken it at face value.
And now I feel like the rug hasbeen pulled out from under me,
like what the actual fuck ishappening?
Because I feel like I've been agood girlfriend, I feel like
(22:04):
I've been a good partner, I feellike I've been a good lover, I
feel like I've done everythingthat you're supposed to do.
I've trusted, I've givenfreedom, I've not tried to
restrict or control or doanything.
Why has the rug now been pulledout from under me?
And there was a lot of healingaround that that I needed to do
because I had a lot of angeraround that.
(22:25):
It was literally the oppositelesson and I want to share this,
like I want to be responsiblefor what I'm sharing right now.
If you're somebody who you know,you've always been jealous of
your partners and you've alwaysthought the worst and you've
always been paranoid that maybethey were cheating.
And maybe you're alwayschecking their phone or
wondering where they are, orgoing on these midnight runs to
(22:47):
kind of follow them and see ifthey're really at work like they
say they are, which I did.
You want to ask yourself, well,where is that coming from?
Why don't you trust?
And there is probably somebetrayal trauma there that
happened to you in the past thatyou need to work on.
Or maybe there is someself-worth or insecurity issues
that you need to address, right,and that's okay.
(23:09):
There's nothing wrong with that.
Listen, behind every jealouswoman is a woman who's been
betrayed or let down at somepoint.
You know it's all betrayaltrauma.
I know that.
You know there's this narrativeout there that you know these
are the healthy behaviors andthese are the non-healthy
behaviors.
And if you do the non-healthybehaviors, like you're a jealous
woman, like if you'reconstantly worrying about where
(23:32):
your partner's at, questioningif what they're saying is true,
going through their phone orstalking them in the middle of
the night, then you're just ajealous, insecure woman.
Or you're somebody who wasbetrayed by somebody that you
really trusted and now you'rehaving a hard time trusting
again.
There's that and that's okayand you get to do the work
around that.
But please don't let thesepeople make you feel like you're
(23:54):
a bad person because you'veexperienced betrayal trauma,
because betrayal trauma is avery real thing, because I can
tell you right now, coming outof this relationship and going
into my next relationships, Ihad serious betrayal trauma to
overcome.
I didn't trust anybody foryears.
Okay, and that's because youknow you go back to.
Well, if this person who Itrusted with my life could
(24:16):
betray me, anybody could, youknow, and that's kind of.
That's kind of the you know,your, your mind is always
hardwired to protect you and tokeep you safe.
So your mind says it is notsafe to trust people.
Even if they do tell meeverything that I want to hear,
I still can't trust them becausethey could still be somebody
totally different behind thescenes that I'm not even aware
(24:39):
of.
So why would I trust whatanybody says to me ever again if
this person who I put all myfaith and trust in was able to
betray me like that, you know.
So you kind of create that'show these beliefs and narratives
(25:00):
are, kind of created theseprotection mechanisms, these
trauma adaptations right, thatwe need to then work through and
unplug from right.
But you know, I really needed todo the opposite of what a lot
of these coaches, healers andmentors tell you to do.
I needed to not listen to whathe was saying.
(25:21):
I needed to ignore itcompletely, because he was
saying everything that I wantedto hear and, of course, because
he knew me really well, he knewexactly what I wanted to hear.
I needed to ignore all of thatand trust what I was seeing
happening and unfolding in frontof me and I needed to trust
what I was feeling in my body,not the rant, the mental rants
(25:45):
that were going on, the fears,the constant obsessing, the
constant analyzing and theconstant doubting.
Not that I needed to trust mybody.
And my body was telling me thatsomething wasn't right,
something was off with thisrelationship, that I couldn't
trust what was happening, that Icouldn't trust what I was
(26:06):
seeing, what he was telling mewith a face value right, and
that you know, something,something, something had
something needed to shift it.
It was almost as though I wasintuitively feeling that it was
my time to go from thisrelationship, you know.
But I didn't want to acceptthat at that in that moment,
(26:26):
right?
So I guess you know why I kindof brought that up.
Is I?
You know, I really wanted topaint a picture.
Yes, you do need to have trustin a relationship.
Yes, you do need to be able tohave healthy conversation and be
able to, you know, trust whatyou know the other person is
(26:46):
telling you, beyond what yourforce, fears or anxieties or, um
, what your analytical mindmight tell you, of course.
And if you have, like, allthese fears and all these doubts
and whatever circulating, thenthat is something that you need
to work on.
For me it was different.
For me it was I always trustedhim, I never feared him
(27:07):
betraying me and suddenly I wasseeing things and feeling things
inside my body that he wastelling me I needed to ignore.
This went on for years, and sothis is where I really I think
that the biggest betrayal tomyself happened was when I
(27:28):
trusted him more than I trustedmy own inner knowing.
So all of this to say, you know, going through this experience
and going through thisrelationship, it was the biggest
lesson for me in self-trust andin my own self-worth, my own
breaking the pattern of how,like helping me to see the
(27:49):
pattern of how I was betrayingmyself.
First by making thisrelationship my focus,
abandoning all my dreams,abandoning my goals, abandoning
everything I wanted, making thisrelationship the central focus
of my life, right and myidentity and who I was going to
be and my future.
Like it was, like the, it wasmy foundation, right?
(28:12):
And I think that's thedangerous piece in all of this
right, and that was my biggestlesson learned from all of it.
And then also then furtherbetraying myself when I found
out, when I realized what washappening, when I felt it, when
I could see it with my own eyes.
But I betrayed myself byignoring what I was seeing and
what I was feeling and trying tobelieve what he was telling me.
(28:35):
One because I really justwanted to believe what he was
telling me.
One, because I really justwanted to believe what he was
telling me.
And two, because it was easierthan the scarier alternative of
having to, like, leave therelationship and start over.
And who the fuck was I, evenafter all these years of being
in this relationship and havingthat relationship be my identity
(28:56):
?
Like who am I without it now?
Right, there was so much fearin the unknown that I Was I,
even after all these years ofbeing in this relationship and
having that relationship be myidentity?
Like, who am I without it?
Now, right, it was.
There was so much fear in theunknown that I almost rather
convinced myself that, yes, Ishould believe him and I should
trust him and I should say andeverything is going to be okay,
because that was less scary thanactually stepping out into the
unknown and detaching fromeverything that this
(29:16):
relationship symbolized for me,which was my identity, my future
, who I was, my worth, my everydecision that I made in the
world, like everything, wascompletely like I said.
It was the foundation, it wasthe main building block to the
rest of the building blocks inmy life was like this
(29:36):
relationship.
So walking away from it wasprobably one of the scariest
things that I'd ever done and itwas the first time in my life
that I had actually said no, Iam not going to listen to what
you need, I am not going tolisten to what you say, I am not
going to listen to what it isthat you're trying to convince
me of.
I'm going to choose to trustmyself.
I'm going to choose to trustmyself beyond any rhyme or
(29:58):
reason, without any proof thatI'm right.
I know what I'm feeling and Iknow what I'm seeing and I know
that this is not for me and Ican feel that in my body and so
I'm just going to trust that andmake a decision according to
that.
And it wasn't until I made thatdecision that all the proof that
I needed right just startedlike just flooding in.
(30:23):
You know, you know all the waysthat it just it was.
I was getting messages fromrandom people, partners whose
partner he was, you know people,partners whose partner he was,
you know, trying to like, make amove on you know evidence of
him kind of, you know, you know,reaching out to friends, or
(30:43):
even even him.
You know, and I'll share thisin the next episode but even him
.
You know, going through myfriends list and it was just
crazy.
It was just it was.
There was so much crazy shitthat unfolded after the fact
that I was like, wow, this iswho you've been all along.
I didn't see it, I wascompletely blind to it.
(31:03):
Um, and so this is where youknow, did it?
Did it help my self-trustimmediately?
No, it actually completelyeroded my self-trust at first,
because I was like, wow, I putall my trust and faith into this
person.
And then, when I finally sawwho they really were, I was like
(31:29):
, oh my God, I was so wrong.
How could I have been so wrongabout this person?
And then, after you know a lotof work and a lot of healing, I
was able to see yeah, there weresome red flags there before and
I ignored them Because it wasjust too nice to be in.
(31:51):
You know, to have thisrelationship kind of unfold the
way that it did and to kind offit this perfect picture of what
I thought our relationship wassupposed to be, it was just too
nice to give up.
It was too cushy, it was tooeasy.
I was like, no, there was.
That was also the big, you know,the big flex for me was in
(32:18):
being able to walk away and say,to realize that my body, what
my eyes were telling me, what mybody was telling me, was
totally different than what hewas telling me, and being able
to say you know what I hear,what you're telling me.
But I'm going to choose tobelieve and trust what I'm
seeing and what I'm feelinginternally and make a decision
based on that, even though itwas hard.
Even though it was hard, eventhough it was scary, even though
I had no proof.
That was my flex, that was myflex moment when I was able to
(32:40):
say no, I am not going to listento what you're telling me
anymore.
I'm going to trust what I'mseeing and feeling and move
accordingly.
That was a huge flex for me andalthough I had a lot of work to
do on self-trust, after thatrelationship ended knowing that
I was able to walk away andtrust myself, even though every
(33:04):
part of me wanted to believewhat he was telling me, that
everything was okay and that Ihad nothing to worry about and
you know my every fear andinsecurity wanted to believe
that so desperately I somehowmanaged to find the strength to
trust myself and to walk away.
And so that, for me, was thebiggest flex and the biggest
transformation.
And it took a while for therest of the healing, you know
(33:27):
around self-trust and you knowbeing able to trust in a
relationship again, that tooksome time.
To trust in a relationshipagain that took some time.
But now, when I look back onthat moment, I can see it as one
of my greatest moments oftransformations, where I was
able to say no, no, I'm notgoing to accept what you're
(33:49):
telling me and as much as I wantto hear it, as much as I want
to believe you right now, asmuch as I want to believe in
this happily ever after, no, I'mgoing to trust what I'm seeing,
I'm going to trust what I'mfeeling and I'm going to make
the hard decision to walk away,because I know I deserve better
(34:10):
and I know that I get to trustmyself, I get to choose myself
here, I get to trust myself andI get to create a better
experience for myself, and Iwould rather take my time and
find that relationship that istruly, truly, truly compatible
and healthy and that wants to bewith me rather than settle for
(34:34):
that, wants to be with me ratherthan settle for that.
So you know, it really was themost, one of the most
transformative moments of mylife.
You know I needed to trust again.
You know I needed to trust whatI was feeling and seeing, above
and beyond what I was beingtold.
(34:54):
I needed to see how I was, allthe ways that I was betraying
myself in this connection, fromwalking away from my dreams,
walking away from my ambitions,my needs, my feelings, ignoring
them completely, um, abandoningwhat I was seeing and feeling
and and just taking what he wastelling me at face value because
it was just the easier.
It was just the easy way out.
You know it was it was.
(35:15):
It was the easy, a right.
Um, I needed to see how I wasturning my back on everything I
dreamed up before I met thisperson.
Um, I needed to see that I hadbeen although I didn't realize
it, this had been my pattern myentire life, whenever there was
a relationship that I wanted tocling to, that I was, that was
(35:36):
really great and that I didn'twant to lose.
And there was this part of methat believed that I needed to
make it the central focus of mylife instead of keeping myself
as a center focus of my life.
And I think that's where I losta lot of my magnetism and a lot
of my power, because I madeexternal relationships my focus,
whether they were partners,whether they were friendships,
whether they whatever, itdoesn't matter.
Anytime a relationship felt alittle rocky or like I didn't
(36:02):
really feel seen or heard, orloved or accepted, I did
everything that I could to turnthat around, to make that
relationship a focus, to show upin a way that would get me the
love that I was craving, get methe attention that I was craving
, get me the validation that Iwas craving so deeply.
(36:23):
And so I was always.
I think, even with friendships,I was always very externally
focused on my relationships andreally disconnected with me,
from me, and not making myself afocus, not making you know,
making checking in with myselfand using myself to decide what
(36:46):
was right for me and what wasn't.
That became an afterthoughtright, and that was like.
That was such a betrayalbecause I didn't exist in my
life, like I felt like all mydecisions, every decision that I
was making was around.
You know what theserelationships needed and what I
(37:09):
needed in order to be loved andto be accepted and to feel
validated and seen.
It wasn't about, well, what doI actually want?
What do I actually want tocreate?
What do I want for myself?
What do I see for my life?
That was never a discussionthat was on the table, and so I
think that was the biggest formof betrayal.
There were so many betrayals,honestly.
(37:29):
There were so many ways that Iwas betraying myself, and I
truly believe that's why thisbetrayal happened to me.
So if you're somebody who'smoving through betrayal or
heartbreak, or you know whetherit was infidelity or just you
know, just manipulation.
You, just you fell in love withsomebody and he ended up being
somebody you weren't expecting.
You know where are you lying toyourself?
Where are you betrayingyourself?
(37:49):
Where are you turning your backon yourself?
That is such a hugely andwildly important question that
you want to start askingyourself.
You know, before the rug getspulled out from under you
ideally, because then that'snever easy, but even that, you
know what it serves.
You know it's not the end ofthe world.
I went through it.
The rug absolutely got pulledout from under me and my life
(38:10):
flipped upside down a thousandtimes, upside down a thousand
times, but it was preparing mefor the work that I was going to
do, which, back then, had youtold me that I'd be on this
podcast sharing with you all ofthe stuff that I'd been through,
I would never have believed youin a million years.
No, way, fuck, no, absolutelynot.
Not happening.
I am not going to.
I didn't share my life with myclosest friends.
(38:31):
Sometimes they had no idea whatwas going on in my life.
I was so insanely private.
My biggest fear was being seenand being vulnerable.
So if you had told me then thatI would be on this mic right
now sharing this whole storywith you, I would have thought
you were fucked, fucked.
(38:52):
But knowing now what I know andknowing how important this has
become for me and how it'stransformed me on the other side
and the person that I am now asa result of that betrayal, I
would do it again in a heartbeatto get here where I am right
now.
And that's really when you knowwhen the healing is done, when
you can look back on the moment,no matter how painful it was
(39:13):
and, yeah, maybe there stillmight be some little stuff there
.
I don't believe that, you know.
I don't.
I'm not one of these healersand teachers who teaches you
that you know, you kind of.
You know you can go back andnot feel something you know,
because if you, as long as youkeep feeling something you know,
then the healing work isn'tdone.
I don't know if I believe that.
(39:33):
I do believe we can forgivewithout there can be forgiveness
.
I think, and I think we can seethe benefit in why certain
things happen to us, but we canstill not be okay with that
happening, even though we seethe benefit of it on the other
(39:55):
side, like, I see, I don't feelany animosity now I don't think,
like I don't feel any animositytowards him.
I don't really think about himmuch at all anymore.
But I know I wouldn't go backto that and I'm good with that
and I know that I never want to,you know, attract a
(40:17):
relationship like that into mylife again.
And I know that you know, if Isee any red flags that indicate
to me that I'm in that kind of aconnection again or with that,
in a connection with that kindof person again, absolutely not.
So, yeah, I can heal, I canforgive and I can I can, you
know, see the benefit of it.
But I'm still like I will holdon to what that taught me and
(40:42):
I'm going to make sure to listento myself next time, to trust
myself, to not abandon myself,to pay attention to the red
flags and to be able to act onthem when I see them.
And I have ever since, you know, really worked on that.
In the last relationship I was,I was in, you know, no matter
how much love there was, as soonas I saw this indication that
(41:05):
there was some red flags there,even holding all the love in my
heart, I was able to walk awayand say no, no, no, no, no, no,
(41:28):
no, no, no.
I can love someone and I canlove someone and I can see the
beauty in someone and I can seethe light in someone.
But I can still choose to walkaway if I feel it's not a
healthy connection for me or ifit's going to, like you know,
either like drain my energy tobe in, or if I'm going to need
to like, like you know, dimmyself or be.
You know, no, I'm, I've taken Iguess that's probably the best
way to explain it.
I've taken the experience.
(41:49):
I see the blessing in it.
I would do it all over again,knowing where it's brought me to
, but I will absolutely,absolutely keep what I've
learned from that connection andbe able to apply it in my
relationships, going forward tosay, hey, here's the mistake I
made before, let's not do thatagain.
(42:10):
Right, and I think that that'sthat's a healthier way of
looking at it.
Um, because if we're notextracting the lessons from
these painful experiences, we'rejust, we're literally, we're
literally setting ourselves upto repeat them again.
Right, because they are askingyou to evolve.
The question is how, and that'sone of the most important
(42:31):
questions that you can askyourself.
So, um, that is all for now,you guys.
Okay, let me know in thecomments wherever you're seeing
this, whether it's in socials oremail or on the podcast.
Let me know, wherever you'reseeing this, what you take away
from this episode and how you'regoing to apply it to your life.
And, as always, if you lovethis episode, please follow and
(42:54):
rate and what's it called?
Leave a review on iTunes orSpotify or wherever you're
seeing this.
Share this with somebody whoneeds it.
Until next time, you guys,massive, massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
Welcome, if you're new.
Some exciting things happeningon the Femcast in the coming
week.
So, if you're catching this atthe time around the time of
posting, which is August of 2025, a exciting workshop and
(00:22):
healing and activation happeninglive on September, the 15th.
It is a free live healing andactivation circle.
If you remember, we did thisback in August.
She rises, healing from cheating, reclaiming your worth and
rising into your radiance, powerand purpose.
It is a powerful 90-minutemasterclass where we're going to
do a healing and activation toreally help you to heal from any
(00:46):
kind of cheating, betrayal orheartbreak and use that as
energy to refuel your greatesttransformation and really
allowing you to step into whothe situation is really trying
to help you to become.
I really and truly believe thatsituations like this heartbreak
like this doesn't happen unlessit's trying to transform us
(01:13):
into a different and morepowerful version of ourselves, a
more honest version ofourselves, and that is the
reason that these things happen.
Nothing that happens in ourlives is ever random.
You know, I know, I know thatthere's this narrative out there
(01:35):
that you know, we, we, weattract what we believe we
deserve, which to, yes, is true,but I think sometimes things
happen to us because they'remeant to, because they're meant
to transform us in ways that wedidn't think was possible.
I think the real belief work,the mindset work, is in how we
(01:57):
view these events, and that hasbeen one of the most powerful
transformations that I've evermade in my life, because take it
from somebody who was punishingherself for like 10 years for
what I was manifesting what Ididn't realize is that
everything that I wasmanifesting was everything that
my soul needed to really totransform, to involve, to really
(02:19):
take its power back and reallyembody who it was that I came
here, to be.
Okay, that has been one of themost profound shifts I've ever
made in my life and I would Ilove, I would love for you guys
to just sit with that for aminute.
Whatever's happening right now,whatever brought you to this
(02:41):
episode, whatever brought you tothis podcast, I just want you
to sit with the possibility thatwhatever is happening to you
right now, no matter how painful, no matter how difficult, it is
happening for your highest goodand it is transforming you in
so many ways that you probablydon't even see yet.
(03:02):
Okay, and that's exactly whatwe're going to talk about in
today's episode, so that's kindof why I wanted to start there.
So let's dive into theconversation today.
I really wanted to talk abouthow being cheated on was one of
my greatest transformation andmy most powerful lessons in the
art of self-love and self-trust,really, and how it was really
(03:26):
the stepping stone into, youknow, one of my greatest
transformations and waspreparing me for a life that I
didn't even know or see coming.
You know, and it's you know.
When I look back on who I wasbefore that happened and
(03:48):
everything that has happenedsince, and how I've transformed,
how my life has transformed, Ican honestly tell you I would go
through all of that all overagain, knowing who I am now, on
the other side of all of it.
Okay, so let me just set thestage for you.
Okay, you know, as somebody whoyou know I had, I had pretty
(04:12):
much been single for most of mylife, so this was probably my
first real serious, intimateconnection.
I mean, there were, there, were, there were, no, that actually
that's not true.
I did have some.
I did have.
You know, I was always inrelationship when I was younger
and in high school, and I hadsome long-term relationships
there, but this was probably myfirst real serious adult
(04:33):
relationship, right?
Um, for the most part, most ofmy adult life I had been quite
single.
Um, and you know, I had some I,I I had a bit of an attitude.
Uh, especially in my earlytwenties, you know, I had some
pretty audacious dreams of ofhow my life was going to unfold
(04:54):
and some of the things that Iwas going to accomplish.
I was in fashion school at thetime.
Um, I had so many big plans anddreams.
Um, when I think back, um, youknow, the know, like the devil,
the devil wears Prada, whichprobably came after all of that.
But the devil wears Prada wasprobably my, my goalpost of how
(05:14):
I wanted my life to play out forme, even before the movie came
out, which was which was funny,because when that movie came out
, it was it, I was in thisrelationship and it was kind of
this wake up moment of oh wow,this is everything I ever wanted
.
And I've completely turned myback on Like it was.
Like it was like, suddenlythere was the life that I was
dreaming and I I mean all, allcomedy aside, you know,
(05:37):
obviously, the lesson in thestory and the devil wears Prada,
um was she got everything youknow that every girl wanted, but
she still wasn't happy with it,right, um?
So you know there's a lesson inthat as well.
But being able to see that onthe screen in front of me in
that moment, you know severalyears um into the relationship
(06:03):
and I think at this point youknow the cheating had already
taken place and you know I wastrying to live in this was, I
think, the stage probably whereI was trying to live in this
denial that I could make it work.
Or you know that we could getthrough it, that we could work
through it.
Or maybe I did imagine it theway he said I did which I didn't
, said I did which I didn't.
(06:31):
And so here I was watching thismovie and he was watching it
with me.
We were having a good laughabout it, but deep down there
was this little voice in my headthat said this was everything
that you wanted, that you turnedyour back on, like, where is
this girl?
Where is the girl who wanted toaccomplish all this in her life
?
Where was the girl who hadthese big dreams, these big
goals, these big ambitions.
Like, where did she go?
Do you even see her?
Do you even recognize her?
Like, would you know her if yousaw her walking down the street
(06:53):
?
I probably would not.
With the betrayal was probablyone of my biggest, biggest
wake-up calls into how I hadbasically been betraying myself,
how I completely turned my backon who I was, what I wanted,
(07:18):
what I needed, what I wasfeeling, what I was dreaming
about, and just became anextension of this person, right,
a representation of you know, Ibecame the person who was in
this relationship and that wasmy identity.
Like I literally lost myselfcompletely in this relationship.
(07:40):
And I think, you know, was itbecause I had been single for so
long through my adult life that, you know, I think part of me
was just excited to be in aserious connection.
And you know, I think part ofme, like I always I shared in
another episode I used to alwayssing in the back of the car
with my friends every Friday,saturday night, is the song by
(08:05):
Madonna, all by Myself, becauseI really did believe at that
point.
You know, yes, I had these biggoals, yes, I had these big
dreams, but there was a part ofme that thought I would be alone
forever.
You know, like I never wouldfind that person to really click
with, to really connect with,and you know, having come close
(08:26):
to a relationship so many timesbut never actually like being
able to establish a healthyadult relationship it was.
It was starting to feel veryfar away, and so, when this
relationship came into my life,I was so excited that it was
here, I was so excited that hewas here, I was so excited that
(08:51):
I finally felt chosen, like wow,this person's choosing to be
with me, like, oh, my God, youknow.
And so being in thisrelationship, um, became
everything to me and nurturingthe, the relationship and
nurturing, um, you know who wewere in.
(09:15):
The relationship and the lifethat we were going to, you know,
create together.
I.
It became all about therelationship in this person and
that and that became the focusof my life and every other
decision that I made, whether itwas where I was going to work,
what I was going to do with mytime, my lifestyle, every
(09:36):
decision became about how itwould support this relationship,
or how it would work with thisrelationship, or how I can make
decisions in my life to bettersupport this relationship right.
And I don't even think it wasabout him per se.
(09:57):
I think it was about therelationship and having the
relationship and keeping therelationship and making sure the
relationship was the best thatit could be.
And I think it's because, forme, for so long I didn't think I
would have that and so when Idid, you know it was like white
knuckling, trying to hold on toit and make sure that it didn't
(10:21):
slip through my fingers and thatI was doing everything possible
to hang on to it.
And you know that all comesfrom this deep-rooted belief
that I wasn't good enough toreally be loved, that I had to
work hard at it, that I had tomake sure I made it my focus and
made sure that I did everythingthat I could in order to
continue to be chosen, in orderto continue to be chosen.
(10:56):
But what I did realize in thatconnection was that how naive I
was in thinking that he wasfeeling the same way, and it's
funny because there were redflags that he wasn't.
And I mean it wasn't a healthyway to think.
No one should be in arelationship thinking making
their connection or theirrelationship the center focus of
(11:16):
their life and that would be ahealthy form of attachment right
.
That would be a secureattachment where I was clearly,
clearly, clearly an anxiousattachment right, even though
even before there was any needto be, but it wasn't.
But I almost felt, and believethat or I just assumed, maybe,
(11:42):
that if I felt that way, that hefelt the same way too, because
even though I, you know, feltlike I had to work hard for this
relationship and I felt like Ihad to make it the focus of my
life, I don't know if, when Ithink back now, if that's
because, well, obviously I hadsome deep, you know, self-worth
issues, deep self-worth issues.
But also that's how I learned,I guess, through people around
(12:09):
me, through family andtraditions and beliefs.
That's how I just learned thatyou're supposed to be in
relationship, right, and so Ijust assumed that he believed
the same thing that I did andthat that was life.
Much to my, you know, shock, hedidn't feel the same way.
(12:30):
You know, when I found out aboutthe infidelity and the cheating
and the lying, the betrayal, Iwas blindsided, like I can't
stress this enough.
I did not see it coming at alland I think you know this is
(12:56):
where oftentimes, you know, myperspective differs from a lot
of the other coaches andrelationship healers out there.
You know, people always say youknow, you have to be able to
trust your partner and take whatthey say at face value and not
let your mind.
You know, not let your mind andyour self-doubt take you all
these places.
But I really believed I couldtrust this person with my life.
There was not a cell in my bodythat ever doubted him or his
(13:20):
love for me, or our relationship, or that we would be together
forever, him or his love for me,or our relationship, or that we
would be together forever.
I, it was my, it was the core ofeverything that I believed that
, that we loved each other, thatwe were 150% committed to one
another in our life together andthat we were both willing to do
(13:42):
everything in our power to makethis relationship worth.
So, yes, did I have self-worthissues?
But yes, I did Absolutely,because otherwise, you know,
none of this would have happened.
I never would haveself-abandoned if I didn't, you
know, let's make that clear andI never would have had this
feeling of, you know, needing tomake love the center focus of
(14:04):
my life had I not had, you knowthis self, lack of self-worth,
anxious attachment style,conditioning kind of, you know,
lurking beneath the surface.
But you know, having said that,cheating was not on my radar,
infidelity was not on my radar.
Him leaving me for someone elseor choosing to be with someone
else, or even, you know, beinginterested in someone else, was
(14:27):
not on my radar.
Mentally, maybe subconsciously,who knows, but like mentally,
that never even crossed my mind.
That was like no, that's nevergoing to.
It was like an unheard of Like.
If there was things that Ifeared, you know, maybe it was.
You know, problems in our life,you know, maybe driving a wedge
(14:48):
between us, you know, thingslike that, that, that part, you
know, I was afraid of.
I was afraid of, you know, notcreating that safe container for
the relationship to reallythrive.
I think that's where my focuswas.
But I never had that fear thatsomeone would come along and
take it away.
You know that was, that was,that was not even on my radar.
(15:09):
And so when, when I found outwhat was happening, when I
realized what was happening, um,that moment, like was life
altering, life altering.
I can still remember it feltlike it just rocked me right to
(15:30):
the core and I can remember ittook a while, for after I had
the realization what was goingon, I kind of went in sort of
like this numb sort of comatosestate and I was kind of walking
around like a zombie for severalweeks, as mentally I was kind
of processing what I had come torealize and I, I had addressed
the issues with him and I, youknow, I, I had expressed to him
(15:52):
like, look, like what's what'sgoing on, like what is this,
what is this that I'm seeing,what is this that I'm?
What am I seeing?
What are what, what, what isthis that's unfolding?
What am I supposed to do withall this information?
Because there was, suddenlythere was like all these signs
everywhere that I had not beenpaying attention to, and and and
there was, there was an obviousmoment where I could recall um,
(16:15):
where she called on a Sundaymorning we were still in bed
together and I could, I couldclearly hear her talking to him
on the phone, um, and you knowshe was a-worker and you know he
said it was just a co-worker,and but I'm like, but you don't
talk to your co-workers likethat, like that's not right,
right.
And I could clearly hear her onthe other end of the phone and
I could clearly hear everythingshe was saying and I could hear
(16:36):
the tone in which she was sayingit, and I can also see how
frantically he was trying to getoff the phone and immediately
like, distract me, um, andsomething in me was like kicking
and screaming.
This isn't right.
This is not right.
(16:58):
There's something wrong here.
I've like, uh, it was likethere's a part of me that was
just like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't,
don't ignore this part thatyou're seeing here.
And so, you know, gave me allthe excuses, gave me all the
rationales, gave, you know, kindof told me everything that I
(17:19):
wanted to hear in that moment.
But there was still a part of methat was like you know, you
know it's not the truth, youknow what he's saying.
And I could and it's so funny,like I couldn't articulate it
then, but I can, I can, I couldsee it now, where you know, as,
(17:39):
as you know, we move throughthis experience and as we move
through you know trying to healthis and you know, trying to
move through it and eventually,you know having it be the reason
for why we fell apart, onething I got really good at in
that process was being able tosee when he was lying to me and
when his energy would shift.
(17:59):
And you know, when I look backnow, it's very obvious to me
what was happening.
But in that moment I didn'tknow, because that was the first
time I was experiencing, orconsciously experiencing, that
version of him.
And so for weeks I took what hesaid.
You know, I have to like trustwhat he's saying to me and I'm
(18:20):
trying to believe it and I'mtrying to convince myself that I
have nothing to worry about,and I'm trying to convince
myself that everything is okay.
But there's this naggingfeeling inside of me that no,
this is not right.
Like this is not okay.
You need to trust what youheard, you need to trust what
you felt, you need to trust howit sounded when you heard it,
you need to trust the tone inthe voices, the body language,
(18:43):
the response.
You need to trust all of that,because those are all
indications that something isnot right.
Someone is not being on thelevel, someone is lying, someone
is hiding, someone is keepingsomething from you.
And so for weeks I walked aroundin this kind of comatose state
of trying to convince myselfthat everything was okay and
trying to feel like everythingwas okay and trying to move
(19:04):
through the motions of my dailylife and go on business as usual
.
But I was numbing.
And then there was a momentwhen I was visiting with my
family at the time and I was inthe kitchen with my mom and my
sister and I can remember themasking me you're not yourself
lately what's going on?
What's going on with you guys?
(19:25):
You seem off and I tried toavoid the question as best I
could, but there was also a partof me that was dying to talk to
somebody, because I just didn'twant to feel like I was crazy
anymore.
And so I finally, you know,after some back and forth and
some questions and whatever, andyou know giving like little
(19:46):
bits and pieces of informationhere and there, I finally just
let it all out.
And I can remember like it wasyesterday, I collapsed on the
kitchen floor.
I was crying and screaming and,you know, trying to articulate
why this was happening, tryingto understand why this was
happening, trying to understandwhat was happening and trying to
(20:09):
understand how somebody that Iloved so much, that I had put so
much trust and so much faith inand so much of my hinged, so
much of my future on, could dosomething like this to me, right
, and I think that was the firsttime I had really come to the
realization of what was what wasgoing on.
(20:30):
And then the next few weeks andmonths would be the sort of
like unraveling of all thedetails and, and you know, all
the signs that had been in frontof me for so long.
Um, you know the coming homelate at night and and just just
so, so many things like latenight phone calls, leaving the
house late at night, you know,saying that he's going to work
(20:54):
for an emergency, when he's,like you know, getting a call at
like 930 in the evening sayingthat he's got to go into work
for an emergency, when he's beengetting ready like an hour
prior to the phone call.
So it's like, well, what areyou getting ready for?
Like normally we just kind ofsit in our pajamas on a Saturday
night and do nothing.
You know what I mean.
So I think the reason why I sayall that, you know, people in
(21:20):
you know in the relationshipspace and relationship healing
and relationship mentors willalways say you have to be able
to take your partner.
Like when your partner sayssomething, you have to be able
to trust them Clearly.
Like literally the opposite wastrue for me.
I trusted everything my partnersaid.
I didn't doubt it for a seconduntil that moment where I was
(21:44):
like, whoa, wait a second, am Imissing something here?
Like, have I been lying tomyself?
Because he's been telling meeverything that I've wanted to
hear?
And I've trusted him and I havetaken it at face value.
And now I feel like the rug hasbeen pulled out from under me,
like what the actual fuck ishappening?
Because I feel like I've been agood girlfriend, I feel like
(22:04):
I've been a good partner, I feellike I've been a good lover, I
feel like I've done everythingthat you're supposed to do.
I've trusted, I've givenfreedom, I've not tried to
restrict or control or doanything.
Why has the rug now been pulledout from under me?
And there was a lot of healingaround that that I needed to do
because I had a lot of angeraround that.
(22:25):
It was literally the oppositelesson and I want to share this,
like I want to be responsiblefor what I'm sharing right now.
If you're somebody who you know,you've always been jealous of
your partners and you've alwaysthought the worst and you've
always been paranoid that maybethey were cheating.
And maybe you're alwayschecking their phone or
wondering where they are, orgoing on these midnight runs to
(22:47):
kind of follow them and see ifthey're really at work like they
say they are, which I did.
You want to ask yourself, well,where is that coming from?
Why don't you trust?
And there is probably somebetrayal trauma there that
happened to you in the past thatyou need to work on.
Or maybe there is someself-worth or insecurity issues
that you need to address, right,and that's okay.
(23:09):
There's nothing wrong with that.
Listen, behind every jealouswoman is a woman who's been
betrayed or let down at somepoint.
You know it's all betrayaltrauma.
I know that.
You know there's this narrativeout there that you know these
are the healthy behaviors andthese are the non-healthy
behaviors.
And if you do the non-healthybehaviors, like you're a jealous
woman, like if you'reconstantly worrying about where
(23:32):
your partner's at, questioningif what they're saying is true,
going through their phone orstalking them in the middle of
the night, then you're just ajealous, insecure woman.
Or you're somebody who wasbetrayed by somebody that you
really trusted and now you'rehaving a hard time trusting
again.
There's that and that's okayand you get to do the work
around that.
But please don't let thesepeople make you feel like you're
(23:54):
a bad person because you'veexperienced betrayal trauma,
because betrayal trauma is avery real thing, because I can
tell you right now, coming outof this relationship and going
into my next relationships, Ihad serious betrayal trauma to
overcome.
I didn't trust anybody foryears.
Okay, and that's because youknow you go back to.
Well, if this person who Itrusted with my life could
(24:16):
betray me, anybody could, youknow, and that's kind of.
That's kind of the you know,your, your mind is always
hardwired to protect you and tokeep you safe.
So your mind says it is notsafe to trust people.
Even if they do tell meeverything that I want to hear,
I still can't trust them becausethey could still be somebody
totally different behind thescenes that I'm not even aware
(24:39):
of.
So why would I trust whatanybody says to me ever again if
this person who I put all myfaith and trust in was able to
betray me like that, you know.
So you kind of create that'show these beliefs and narratives
(25:00):
are, kind of created theseprotection mechanisms, these
trauma adaptations right, thatwe need to then work through and
unplug from right.
But you know, I really needed todo the opposite of what a lot
of these coaches, healers andmentors tell you to do.
I needed to not listen to whathe was saying.
(25:21):
I needed to ignore itcompletely, because he was
saying everything that I wantedto hear and, of course, because
he knew me really well, he knewexactly what I wanted to hear.
I needed to ignore all of thatand trust what I was seeing
happening and unfolding in frontof me and I needed to trust
what I was feeling in my body,not the rant, the mental rants
(25:45):
that were going on, the fears,the constant obsessing, the
constant analyzing and theconstant doubting.
Not that I needed to trust mybody.
And my body was telling me thatsomething wasn't right,
something was off with thisrelationship, that I couldn't
trust what was happening, that Icouldn't trust what I was
(26:06):
seeing, what he was telling mewith a face value right, and
that you know, something,something, something had
something needed to shift it.
It was almost as though I wasintuitively feeling that it was
my time to go from thisrelationship, you know.
But I didn't want to acceptthat at that in that moment,
(26:26):
right?
So I guess you know why I kindof brought that up.
Is I?
You know, I really wanted topaint a picture.
Yes, you do need to have trustin a relationship.
Yes, you do need to be able tohave healthy conversation and be
able to, you know, trust whatyou know the other person is
(26:46):
telling you, beyond what yourforce, fears or anxieties or, um
, what your analytical mindmight tell you, of course.
And if you have, like, allthese fears and all these doubts
and whatever circulating, thenthat is something that you need
to work on.
For me it was different.
For me it was I always trustedhim, I never feared him
(27:07):
betraying me and suddenly I wasseeing things and feeling things
inside my body that he wastelling me I needed to ignore.
This went on for years, and sothis is where I really I think
that the biggest betrayal tomyself happened was when I
(27:28):
trusted him more than I trustedmy own inner knowing.
So all of this to say, you know, going through this experience
and going through thisrelationship, it was the biggest
lesson for me in self-trust andin my own self-worth, my own
breaking the pattern of how,like helping me to see the
(27:49):
pattern of how I was betrayingmyself.
First by making thisrelationship my focus,
abandoning all my dreams,abandoning my goals, abandoning
everything I wanted, making thisrelationship the central focus
of my life, right and myidentity and who I was going to
be and my future.
Like it was, like the, it wasmy foundation, right?
(28:12):
And I think that's thedangerous piece in all of this
right, and that was my biggestlesson learned from all of it.
And then also then furtherbetraying myself when I found
out, when I realized what washappening, when I felt it, when
I could see it with my own eyes.
But I betrayed myself byignoring what I was seeing and
what I was feeling and trying tobelieve what he was telling me.
(28:35):
One because I really justwanted to believe what he was
telling me.
One, because I really justwanted to believe what he was
telling me.
And two, because it was easierthan the scarier alternative of
having to, like, leave therelationship and start over.
And who the fuck was I, evenafter all these years of being
in this relationship and havingthat relationship be my identity
(28:56):
?
Like who am I without it now?
Right, there was so much fearin the unknown that I Was I,
even after all these years ofbeing in this relationship and
having that relationship be myidentity?
Like, who am I without it?
Now, right, it was.
There was so much fear in theunknown that I almost rather
convinced myself that, yes, Ishould believe him and I should
trust him and I should say andeverything is going to be okay,
because that was less scary thanactually stepping out into the
unknown and detaching fromeverything that this
(29:16):
relationship symbolized for me,which was my identity, my future
, who I was, my worth, my everydecision that I made in the
world, like everything, wascompletely like I said.
It was the foundation, it wasthe main building block to the
rest of the building blocks inmy life was like this
(29:36):
relationship.
So walking away from it wasprobably one of the scariest
things that I'd ever done and itwas the first time in my life
that I had actually said no, Iam not going to listen to what
you need, I am not going tolisten to what you say, I am not
going to listen to what it isthat you're trying to convince
me of.
I'm going to choose to trustmyself.
I'm going to choose to trustmyself beyond any rhyme or
(29:58):
reason, without any proof thatI'm right.
I know what I'm feeling and Iknow what I'm seeing and I know
that this is not for me and Ican feel that in my body and so
I'm just going to trust that andmake a decision according to
that.
And it wasn't until I made thatdecision that all the proof that
I needed right just startedlike just flooding in.
(30:23):
You know, you know all the waysthat it just it was.
I was getting messages fromrandom people, partners whose
partner he was, you know people,partners whose partner he was,
you know, trying to like, make amove on you know evidence of
him kind of, you know, you know,reaching out to friends, or
(30:43):
even even him.
You know, and I'll share thisin the next episode but even him
.
You know, going through myfriends list and it was just
crazy.
It was just it was.
There was so much crazy shitthat unfolded after the fact
that I was like, wow, this iswho you've been all along.
I didn't see it, I wascompletely blind to it.
(31:03):
Um, and so this is where youknow, did it?
Did it help my self-trustimmediately?
No, it actually completelyeroded my self-trust at first,
because I was like, wow, I putall my trust and faith into this
person.
And then, when I finally sawwho they really were, I was like
(31:29):
, oh my God, I was so wrong.
How could I have been so wrongabout this person?
And then, after you know a lotof work and a lot of healing, I
was able to see yeah, there weresome red flags there before and
I ignored them Because it wasjust too nice to be in.
(31:51):
You know, to have thisrelationship kind of unfold the
way that it did and to kind offit this perfect picture of what
I thought our relationship wassupposed to be, it was just too
nice to give up.
It was too cushy, it was tooeasy.
I was like, no, there was.
That was also the big, you know,the big flex for me was in
(32:18):
being able to walk away and say,to realize that my body, what
my eyes were telling me, what mybody was telling me, was
totally different than what hewas telling me, and being able
to say you know what I hear,what you're telling me.
But I'm going to choose tobelieve and trust what I'm
seeing and what I'm feelinginternally and make a decision
based on that, even though itwas hard.
Even though it was hard, eventhough it was scary, even though
I had no proof.
That was my flex, that was myflex moment when I was able to
(32:40):
say no, I am not going to listento what you're telling me
anymore.
I'm going to trust what I'mseeing and feeling and move
accordingly.
That was a huge flex for me andalthough I had a lot of work to
do on self-trust, after thatrelationship ended knowing that
I was able to walk away andtrust myself, even though every
(33:04):
part of me wanted to believewhat he was telling me, that
everything was okay and that Ihad nothing to worry about and
you know my every fear andinsecurity wanted to believe
that so desperately I somehowmanaged to find the strength to
trust myself and to walk away.
And so that, for me, was thebiggest flex and the biggest
transformation.
And it took a while for therest of the healing, you know
(33:27):
around self-trust and you knowbeing able to trust in a
relationship again, that tooksome time.
To trust in a relationshipagain that took some time.
But now, when I look back onthat moment, I can see it as one
of my greatest moments oftransformations, where I was
able to say no, no, I'm notgoing to accept what you're
(33:49):
telling me and as much as I wantto hear it, as much as I want
to believe you right now, asmuch as I want to believe in
this happily ever after, no, I'mgoing to trust what I'm seeing,
I'm going to trust what I'mfeeling and I'm going to make
the hard decision to walk away,because I know I deserve better
(34:10):
and I know that I get to trustmyself, I get to choose myself
here, I get to trust myself andI get to create a better
experience for myself, and Iwould rather take my time and
find that relationship that istruly, truly, truly compatible
and healthy and that wants to bewith me rather than settle for
(34:34):
that, wants to be with me ratherthan settle for that.
So you know, it really was themost, one of the most
transformative moments of mylife.
You know I needed to trust again.
You know I needed to trust whatI was feeling and seeing, above
and beyond what I was beingtold.
(34:54):
I needed to see how I was, allthe ways that I was betraying
myself in this connection, fromwalking away from my dreams,
walking away from my ambitions,my needs, my feelings, ignoring
them completely, um, abandoningwhat I was seeing and feeling
and and just taking what he wastelling me at face value because
it was just the easier.
It was just the easy way out.
You know it was it was.
(35:15):
It was the easy, a right.
Um, I needed to see how I wasturning my back on everything I
dreamed up before I met thisperson.
Um, I needed to see that I hadbeen although I didn't realize
it, this had been my pattern myentire life, whenever there was
a relationship that I wanted tocling to, that I was, that was
(35:36):
really great and that I didn'twant to lose.
And there was this part of methat believed that I needed to
make it the central focus of mylife instead of keeping myself
as a center focus of my life.
And I think that's where I losta lot of my magnetism and a lot
of my power, because I madeexternal relationships my focus,
whether they were partners,whether they were friendships,
whether they whatever, itdoesn't matter.
Anytime a relationship felt alittle rocky or like I didn't
(36:02):
really feel seen or heard, orloved or accepted, I did
everything that I could to turnthat around, to make that
relationship a focus, to show upin a way that would get me the
love that I was craving, get methe attention that I was craving
, get me the validation that Iwas craving so deeply.
(36:23):
And so I was always.
I think, even with friendships,I was always very externally
focused on my relationships andreally disconnected with me,
from me, and not making myself afocus, not making you know,
making checking in with myselfand using myself to decide what
(36:46):
was right for me and what wasn't.
That became an afterthoughtright, and that was like.
That was such a betrayalbecause I didn't exist in my
life, like I felt like all mydecisions, every decision that I
was making was around.
You know what theserelationships needed and what I
(37:09):
needed in order to be loved andto be accepted and to feel
validated and seen.
It wasn't about, well, what doI actually want?
What do I actually want tocreate?
What do I want for myself?
What do I see for my life?
That was never a discussionthat was on the table, and so I
think that was the biggest formof betrayal.
There were so many betrayals,honestly.
(37:29):
There were so many ways that Iwas betraying myself, and I
truly believe that's why thisbetrayal happened to me.
So if you're somebody who'smoving through betrayal or
heartbreak, or you know whetherit was infidelity or just you
know, just manipulation.
You, just you fell in love withsomebody and he ended up being
somebody you weren't expecting.
You know where are you lying toyourself?
Where are you betrayingyourself?
(37:49):
Where are you turning your backon yourself?
That is such a hugely andwildly important question that
you want to start askingyourself.
You know, before the rug getspulled out from under you
ideally, because then that'snever easy, but even that, you
know what it serves.
You know it's not the end ofthe world.
I went through it.
The rug absolutely got pulledout from under me and my life
(38:10):
flipped upside down a thousandtimes, upside down a thousand
times, but it was preparing mefor the work that I was going to
do, which, back then, had youtold me that I'd be on this
podcast sharing with you all ofthe stuff that I'd been through,
I would never have believed youin a million years.
No, way, fuck, no, absolutelynot.
Not happening.
I am not going to.
I didn't share my life with myclosest friends.
(38:31):
Sometimes they had no idea whatwas going on in my life.
I was so insanely private.
My biggest fear was being seenand being vulnerable.
So if you had told me then thatI would be on this mic right
now sharing this whole storywith you, I would have thought
you were fucked, fucked.
(38:52):
But knowing now what I know andknowing how important this has
become for me and how it'stransformed me on the other side
and the person that I am now asa result of that betrayal, I
would do it again in a heartbeatto get here where I am right
now.
And that's really when you knowwhen the healing is done, when
you can look back on the moment,no matter how painful it was
(39:13):
and, yeah, maybe there stillmight be some little stuff there
.
I don't believe that, you know.
I don't.
I'm not one of these healersand teachers who teaches you
that you know, you kind of.
You know you can go back andnot feel something you know,
because if you, as long as youkeep feeling something you know,
then the healing work isn'tdone.
I don't know if I believe that.
(39:33):
I do believe we can forgivewithout there can be forgiveness
.
I think, and I think we can seethe benefit in why certain
things happen to us, but we canstill not be okay with that
happening, even though we seethe benefit of it on the other
(39:55):
side, like, I see, I don't feelany animosity now I don't think,
like I don't feel any animositytowards him.
I don't really think about himmuch at all anymore.
But I know I wouldn't go backto that and I'm good with that
and I know that I never want to,you know, attract a
(40:17):
relationship like that into mylife again.
And I know that you know, if Isee any red flags that indicate
to me that I'm in that kind of aconnection again or with that,
in a connection with that kindof person again, absolutely not.
So, yeah, I can heal, I canforgive and I can I can, you
know, see the benefit of it.
But I'm still like I will holdon to what that taught me and
(40:42):
I'm going to make sure to listento myself next time, to trust
myself, to not abandon myself,to pay attention to the red
flags and to be able to act onthem when I see them.
And I have ever since, you know, really worked on that.
In the last relationship I was,I was in, you know, no matter
how much love there was, as soonas I saw this indication that
(41:05):
there was some red flags there,even holding all the love in my
heart, I was able to walk awayand say no, no, no, no, no, no,
(41:28):
no, no, no.
I can love someone and I canlove someone and I can see the
beauty in someone and I can seethe light in someone.
But I can still choose to walkaway if I feel it's not a
healthy connection for me or ifit's going to, like you know,
either like drain my energy tobe in, or if I'm going to need
to like, like you know, dimmyself or be.
You know, no, I'm, I've taken Iguess that's probably the best
way to explain it.
I've taken the experience.
(41:49):
I see the blessing in it.
I would do it all over again,knowing where it's brought me to
, but I will absolutely,absolutely keep what I've
learned from that connection andbe able to apply it in my
relationships, going forward tosay, hey, here's the mistake I
made before, let's not do thatagain.
(42:10):
Right, and I think that that'sthat's a healthier way of
looking at it.
Um, because if we're notextracting the lessons from
these painful experiences, we'rejust, we're literally, we're
literally setting ourselves upto repeat them again.
Right, because they are askingyou to evolve.
The question is how, and that'sone of the most important
(42:31):
questions that you can askyourself.
So, um, that is all for now,you guys.
Okay, let me know in thecomments wherever you're seeing
this, whether it's in socials oremail or on the podcast.
Let me know, wherever you'reseeing this, what you take away
from this episode and how you'regoing to apply it to your life.
And, as always, if you lovethis episode, please follow and
(42:54):
rate and what's it called?
Leave a review on iTunes orSpotify or wherever you're
seeing this.
Share this with somebody whoneeds it.
Until next time, you guys,massive, massive love.
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