September 15, 2025 • 33 mins
Have you ever wondered why certain relationship triggers send you spiraling into anxiety, insecurity, or chasing validation from someone who can’t give you what you need? I know that feeling all too well—and what I’ve discovered is that those moments aren’t just uncomfortable experiences… they’re powerful invitations to heal at the deepest level.
In this episode of The Femme Cast, I’m sharing how relationship triggers are actually mirrors of our childhood wounds—and how they keep us stuck in cycles of self-abandonment. For me, that looked like people-pleasing, chasing emotionally unavailable partners, and silencing my true needs. And if you’ve found yourself repeating those patterns too, I want you to know: there’s nothing “wrong” with you. These behaviors often come from the beliefs we formed as children about our worthiness.
I’ll guide you through how to recognize when you’re truly triggered (hint: it usually shows up as an intense emotional reaction, obsessive thoughts, or even physical sensations in your body), and how to use that trigger as a doorway into healing. Inside this episode, I’ll share:
🎤 How to identify the exact moments when you’re about to self-abandon to “save” a relationship
🎤 Why those triggers are connected to the unmet needs and emotional gaps from childhood
🎤 A simple practice to reparent your inner child and give her the love, safety, and validation she’s always needed
🎤 Ways to break the cycle of overgiving, chasing, or silencing yourself in relationships
🎤 How to build a foundation of unwavering self-worth so that choosing yourself feels natural and empowering
This isn’t just theory—I’ll give you prompts and practical tools you can use the very next time you feel pulled into old patterns. I’ll also share some of my own story of how I broke free from the belief that I had to earn or prove myself worthy of love, and how this work has transformed the lives of the women I’ve supported.
If you’re ready to stop abandoning yourself, reclaim your power, and finally attract emotionally available, healthy love—you won’t want to miss this conversation. Your triggers aren’t here to punish you. They’re sacred invitations to come home to yourself and embody the love you’ve been searching for all along.
Ready to stop shrinking for others? Let this episode be your sign → Step into your Unapologetic Era: https://thefemmecast.com/breakthrough
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
Welcome if you're new.
Today I wanted to talk aboutbringing your inner child back
into the room when it comes toyour own personal healing and
how uncovering you know, howsome of these relationship
triggers that we experienceagain and again in relationship,
(00:20):
how they're not something toyou know fear or to feel
uncomfortable about, but they'reactually invitations to do some
deeper healing work.
So relationships are ourgreatest teachers and I say that
again and again and I trulybelieve that a hundred percent,
because it's through ourrelationships that we do most of
our healing work right.
We're going to talk about howto recognize when you're, you
(00:42):
know, in a relationship trigger.
We're going to talk aboutbreaking that cycle to
self-abandon and break thecycles of toxic relationship
patterns at the root, and how todo that using inner child
healing work.
We're going to talk about howto reparent your inner child so
that you can finally get intoyou know, step into your power
and really start to chooseyourself unapologetically,
(01:03):
without those wounds kind of youknow, calling all the shots for
you right, and so that you canbecome magnetic to you know,
healthier relationship,emotionally available
relationships, opportunities andjust being the fullest and most
expressed version of yourself,right, which is what happens
when we do a lot of this innerchild healing work.
(01:25):
Right, and I know it soundsfluffy, but trust me, you know
it is really powerful work, andwe do it together.
When we work together in one onone, and the the, the magnitude
of the transformation thatpeople experience from just one
session is like it's just somind blowing.
Obviously, we're not gonna dothat here.
(01:45):
It's just a short littlepodcast, but I'll give you just
a few little prompts that youcan kind of play with to start
doing some of this work on yourown and get a little taste of
what it's like when we do thisin process.
Okay, so first of all, let'sjust talk about what we're
talking about when we're talkingabout triggering relationships,
right?
So triggers, moments that aretriggering, you know we hear
(02:08):
people talk about oh, I was in asituation and it was very
triggering, or that persontriggered me, or this situation
triggered me.
Trigger is a very specifictrigger has a very specific
meaning when it comes to, youknow, an emotional response.
You can have an emotionalresponse to many things, but
it's not necessarily be atrigger.
Trigger usually means, when wesay the word trigger, what we
usually mean is having anexperience where their emotional
response is triggeringsomething from a previous
(02:32):
experience that hasn't beenfully processed or brought to
completion yet.
Right, so it's triggering anold wound, an old pain body, an
old soul fragment that hasn'tfully healed or moved through
whatever the experience was forthem.
So when we experience something, especially in relationships,
right, that becomes triggering.
(02:55):
The emotional response to thattrigger is usually very intense.
We usually feel it very deeplyemotionally.
Sometimes we even feel itphysically, right.
So we'll feel this emotionalintensity, like we may feel it
in our throat, we may feel it inour neck sorry throat, chest
head we may feel it in ourstomach.
We may, like you know, haveclenched fists or tighten our
(03:18):
jaw, like there's so many wayswhen you get an upset stomach,
right days when you get an upsetstomach, right.
And usually what happens is youknow, and this is how I always
say, this is how I always helpmy clients realize that they're
talking about a trigger and notjust you know, because sometimes
when we think we're being,sometimes when we're being
(03:38):
triggered, we actually thinkit's justified, we think it's
all the other person's doing andthey were just behaving badly
and we're just responding totheir bad behavior in a healthy
way.
But really, when you break itdown, even if the other person
was in the wrong, if we'rehaving this kind of
disempowering, emotionalresponse to what happened,
that's when we know we'retriggered.
(03:59):
And I always take peoplethrough this exercise.
When they're not clear thatit's a trigger, I'll always say
to them well, just very briefly,explain to me what was
happening when you started tofeel this way, and they'll start
telling me all the terriblethings that the other person and
then he said this, and then hedid that, and then, and then,
and then, and then you can seethat they're second guessing
their words and they're startingto go over it in their mind.
(04:21):
They're starting to.
They're starting to like, like,go over it in their mind.
They're starting to like, like,they're starting to hear
themselves and they're realizingthat, okay, actually wasn't
that bad when they did, but itfelt bad, and I know it's bad
and I know it felt really bad.
So that's when they startjustifying.
I know it doesn't sound thatintense, but, trust me, when I
was in it it was intense orsomething along those lines
(04:44):
right, because they realize thatyou know, as they're recalling
the situation, there's a part ofthem that there's a part of
them deep within that is alreadyaware yo, your response, no
matter how bad their behaviorwas, was completely
disproportionate to what washappening, right?
So, even though they may havebehaved that person might've
(05:05):
behaved really badly, donehurtful things, disrespectful
things or whatever youremotional response is
disproportionate to that.
Right.
That's your first clue.
Second clue that you're dealingwith a trigger and not just bad
behavior in general is you can'tget past it.
It eats away at you Like forhours, for days, it's all you
(05:26):
can think about.
You're obsessing over it.
You're obsessing over what tosay or how to respond or how to
handle it.
You're talking to everybodythat you know about what
happened and probably you knowdoing that whole I swear you
know it doesn't sound like it'sbad now, but I'm telling you in
the moment it was really intense.
You know.
That's how you know that you'redealing with a trigger.
(05:48):
You feel it deeply emotionally.
You probably also feel itviscerally.
Your response is how you'refeeling it, or the intensity
with which you're feeling it isdisproportionate to what
actually happened and you cannotlet it go Four signs you're
dealing with a trigger.
Was that four or three?
I kind of lost count, anyway,okay.
So, knowing that we're talkingabout, you know self abandonment
(06:12):
, you know healing selfabandonment specifically at the
root, using inner child healing.
We want to look at number one,the things that trigger us in
relationship and the triggersspecifically that want to compel
us to self-abandon in order tosave the relationship, so that
(06:37):
we don't lose love, so that wedon't lose that person's
interest, affection, whatever.
You know, we have to look atall those moments where our
first response to the trigger isto feel compelled to
self-abandon.
Every time that comes up, thatis a powerful opportunity to
(07:00):
heal something within ourselvesthat made us believe that we
needed to chase, convince orprove to other people that we
are worthy of love and worthy tobe loved.
And you know, to convince themto love us, to give us their
love, to give us their heart, togive us their commitment.
And oftentimes these arebehaviors that we learned as
(07:23):
children.
So the next time you know you'retriggered in a relationship and
you know you're feelingcompelled to self-abandon,
whether it is, you know, to gothe extra mile to people, please
, and get that person's approvalor validation, whether it's to.
(07:44):
You know to chase someone whoisn't giving you really the time
of day.
You know write, send themanother text message, check when
the last time they were online.
You know to overgive to someonewho really isn't giving you
much of anything in return inthe hopes that they one day will
reciprocate.
Avoid being honest aboutsomething that might maybe was
(08:07):
uncomfortable for you becauseyou're afraid to be
confrontational, you're afraidto rock the boat, you're afraid
to be too much or to ask for toomuch.
You know sending that extralong text to somebody who
treated you badly, who you know,you know made you feel shitty
and you're hoping that bysending them this long, very
(08:28):
long winded text you'll help.
You know it'll help themrealize the error in their ways
and maybe you'll even get anapology.
But you know this person hasshown you time and time again
that they really don't careabout how you feel.
You know these are the ways thatwe tend to want to self abandon
.
So the next time you gettriggered by something in a
relationship and you feel thaturge or that that inner
(08:52):
compelling feeling to justabandon yourself again, I want
you to stop.
Okay, and here's what I wantyou to do instead.
So we're going to, we're goingto go back.
So now, we're now depending onyou.
Know, I want you to listenthrough this right now, but I
also want you to save thisepisode so you can kind of go
through this practice the nexttime that you're triggered or
the next time you feel compelledto self-abandon, because again,
(09:16):
it is presenting you with apowerful opportunity to heal.
So I want you to go throughthese prompts the next time
you're in this kind of asituation so that you can start
to finally break that patternand cycle and become magnetic to
more loving and healthyrelationships.
Okay, so the first question thatyou want to ask yourself
whenever you're in one of thesesituations is what is this
(09:37):
situation making me feel orbelieve about myself?
So, if you can just isolate themoment, right, take everything
like, take the meaning out ofyour head, take everything that
this person did, what you thinkof it, whether it was right,
whether it was wrong, doesn'tmatter.
Take that all out of your headand I want you to just focus on
(09:59):
what is the situation or what isthis person making me feel or
believe about myself?
Is it that I'm not loved?
Is it that I'm not about myself.
Is it that I'm not loved?
Is it that I'm not good enough?
Is it that I'm not worthy oflove and affection?
Is it that you know?
Whatever, whatever it is thatit's making you believe.
You know, I really just want youto take a deep breath.
I want you to visualize, maybeeven visualize, the person in
(10:22):
front of you.
Visualize you in front of them,right.
Visualize and tap into what'shappening in the moment, right,
really, really start to getspecific.
You know, I want you to feellike you're in the moment,
physically, emotionally andmentally, and from that place,
you know, if you can just kindof pause and ask yourself what
(10:44):
is the first thing, take a deepbreath, if you need to, so that
you can get centered.
We're basically calling on ourintuition now to doing.
A lot of this work is done veryintuitively.
So I want you to just take adeep breath and get centered and
I want you to ask yourself whatis a situation making me feel
or believe about myself, right,or about relationships in
general, right?
(11:04):
So for me, a lot of theserelationships came back to this
belief that I needed to earnlove, that I needed to fight for
love, that I needed to convincepeople to love me, that I
needed to kind of get it out ofthem, right, like there was a
part of me almost that believed.
(11:24):
You know, because you know mydad not that he was, he was
emotionally.
He was an emotionallyunavailable father in the sense
that you know he was notcomfortable with his emotion.
He didn't know how to expressemotion.
I know love was there.
It wasn't that.
It wasn't there, probablywasn't the healthiest.
You know he had his own traumathat he unhealed, trauma that he
was dealing with and that hehadn't processed.
(11:46):
But also he was veryuncomfortable with emotion.
My father was a man who had alot of patriarchal conditioning
and emotions were bad, right, hedid not know how to be present
with them.
He did not know how to feelwith them like, feel through
them.
He had a very unhealthyrelationship with his emotional
body and that unhealthyrelationship translated into his
(12:08):
relationships as beingemotionally unavailable.
So for me, when I was younger,that looked like trying to
extract love from my dad,because I'm somebody whose love
language is words of affirmationand I just was not getting that
from my father.
So I was doing everything in mypower to try and extract those
(12:28):
words of affirmation andconstantly work towards hearing
the words I love you, you knowyou're beautiful, you're this,
you're that, you're whatever,right.
I needed to hear those thingsand I was constantly pulling,
chasing, strategizing for how toget them right.
So, for me, whenever thosesituations happened, whenever I
(12:52):
was in a triggering situation,it was usually because something
they were doing was making mefeel like I wasn't loved, and so
I needed to fight, to chase.
I needed to fight to chase, tostrategize, to hear the I love
you that I was wanting to hear,to finally have their affection
(13:13):
for me, their love for me, theirintentions for me verbally
validated and spoken right.
So that's what was usuallyhappening for me in these
situations and that's usuallywhat was true.
So what would trigger me is ifthey left me questioning how
they felt, if they were like,really, you know, into the
relationship one day and thenwent MIA the next day.
(13:35):
Or, you know, they had this hotand cold thing right.
They're texting, texting,texting like fire, texting me
for days, and then all of asudden, they're reading my text
messages and not responding andnot explaining why.
You know, we make all theseamazing plans and then they
ghost and I don't hear from themfor like days, or sometimes
weeks on end, I would start tospiral and I would immediately
(13:55):
go into this pattern of wantingto chase love, of wanting to
chase validation that I wasloved, right, and to strategize
for how, what I was going to doto get that validation.
So you know, that's kind of youknow.
For you it might be totallydifferent, but I want you to ask
yourself what is the situationmaking me feel or believe about
(14:18):
myself or about relationships ingeneral?
And then I want you to go backand I want you to ask yourself
when was the first time or whowas the first person who made me
feel this way?
So again, for me it was my dad,right?
That was the first time Iremember feeling like I needed
to fight for someone to say Ilove you or to verbalize their
feelings for me or to validatetheir feelings for me, and there
(14:40):
was a part of me that, as achild, desperately needed and
wanted that validation.
And so what ended up happeningwas I was repeating that cycle
as an when I grew up, as anadult.
So when was the first time, youknow, whatever it was, that
this relationship was making youfeel about yourself, or the
situation was making you feel orbelieve about yourself.
When was the first time or thefirst person who made you feel
(15:04):
that way?
And just trust the first personthat comes to mind.
You know whether it's a fatherfigure, a mother figure, a
sibling, a teacher, a friend, itdoesn't matter.
It doesn't matter how old youare.
I want you to get first personthat comes to mind.
(15:24):
And then I want you to askyourself what did they do that
made me feel this way and whatdid they do to what did I?
What did I make it believe?
What did I make it mean aboutme when they did this?
So what did they do to make mefeel this way?
What was the behavior?
What was the pattern?
What was you know?
(15:44):
What was it that was triggeringfor you that made you feel this
way?
And then, what did you make itmean about you?
So, for me and my dad, rightgoing back to that example, my
triggering, the triggeringbehavior, that, that the
behavior in him that triggeredthis in me, was this inability
to express his emotion, like toexpress that he loved me, to
(16:06):
validate his love for me, to sayit out loud, to say it verbally
, to make me feel validated andreassured, that I was loved,
right.
So what did I make it believeabout me?
Well, I mean, I think manythings.
I think it made me believe thatI had to work hard for love, I
had to chase love, I had to getit out of people, and I think
(16:29):
beneath that because there'salways multiple layers, beneath
that there's this belief.
If they didn't say it that well, I wasn't loved, and if my own
father doesn't love me, thenmaybe I'm not worthy of love.
This is how we kind of processinformation as children, right,
because really, as children,when we're processing
information, we're processingrelationship dynamics.
Everything's about us.
(16:49):
Like, children are the mostego-driven, and it's not in a
bad way, you know.
But when there's usually whenthere's something goes wrong in
a relationship, or you knowthere's pain or there's drama or
there's fighting or there'sdisappointment or whatever,
children always make it meanabout them poor things, you know
.
So when we go through thingsand we experience them as
(17:10):
children, it's always about us,it's always our fault.
I didn't have the capacity atfour years old to understand
that my father was anemotionally available man
because of his own unhealedtrauma.
I thought he was being the wayhe was being, because obviously
I was not good enough, he didn'tlove me enough.
You know, obviously, if heloved me enough, he would tell
me that he loved me, and if hedidn't love me enough, I had to
(17:30):
work for it, right.
And so this is the samementality that I ended up
bringing to my relationships.
I ended up dating a whole bunchof emotionally unavailable
people and trying to get orextract love from them, trying
to get them to validate anemotional experience, validate
an emotional commitment to me.
That just was not there, and Ithought that if I worked hard
(17:51):
enough at it, I could turn thesituation around right.
So then, after you've kind of,you know, explored those
questions, you've, you've talked, you've, you've kind of given
some thought with okay, who wasthe first person, first person
to make me feel that way?
What did they make me believeabout myself, or what did they
do to make me feel that way, andwhat did it make me believe
(18:13):
about myself?
Then you want to ask yourselfwhat was the truth?
Now, Now, knowing what I knownow, right, what was the truth
about the situation really thatI wasn't seeing at that time
when I was a little girl?
So, like I said, for me.
I wasn't seeing when I was fouryears old, five years old,
(18:34):
seven years old.
I wasn't seeing the fact thatmy dad had all of this unhealed
trauma, that he hadn't movedthrough a process that was
making him behave the way he wasbehaving.
I just interpreted as he didn'tlove me, I had to earn his love
right.
He didn't love me, I had toearn his love right, and I had
to work hard to get him tovalidate and verbally affirm
that he loved me.
Right Now I know different.
(18:57):
Now I know that my dad wasdealing with a lot of unhealed
trauma and a lot of issues thatwere going on beneath the
surface that made it very, verydifficult for him to be in his
emotional experience, very, verydifficult for him to be in his
emotional experience.
And so now it makes total senseto me, but it's still, even
(19:17):
though it makes sense to me now,mentally it still was not
making sense to my inner child.
My inner child was still actingout Okay.
So next question is what doesthat little girl or boy need to
hear from me right now?
That would make him or her feelbetter and know their true
(19:38):
worth, right?
So what if you were to see yourinner child, if you were to see
like and if you could go backto that version of you that
first felt that way.
If you can get a picture inyour head what did you look like
?
What were you wearing?
What kind of shoes were youwearing?
What were you doing at the time?
Who was there?
You know, if you can just get arandom picture in your mind of
you when you were younger, thefirst time you remember it
(19:59):
doesn't have to be the firsttime you felt that way, but the
first time you remember, thefirst recall that comes to mind
of when you felt that way.
Maybe it was the mostsignificant or just the one that
you can recall the easiest,doesn't matter.
Or maybe it's just a randompicture you built in your head,
doesn't matter, just go with it.
Right, and you've identifiedwhat the truth was about the
(20:20):
situation.
So what can you tell him or hernow to make them feel better?
Well, number one you can list.
The first thing you do is youwant to listen to them.
So if they have anything theywant to say to you, you get them
to let it out, and you do notinterrupt until they're done.
You do this all intuitively.
You get them to let everythingout that they've been holding
(20:41):
onto every pain, everyheartbreak, every disappointment
, every negative belief they hadabout themselves, everything
that made them sad, every tear,every scream, every whatever,
whatever it is they want to letout.
You just let them let it outand you just hold space and you
love them and you hold the spaceand you let them let it out and
(21:02):
then you validate theirfeelings.
Okay, very important.
You want to validate your innerchild's feelings.
You want to make them feel seen, loved and heard and held.
Okay, that's what every childwants when they're acting out
and having a tantrum.
They just want to feel seen,heard, validated and held.
So you want to do that for themand that's the first thing you
(21:23):
do.
And then, when you finally feellike they've, this inner child
within you has calmed down.
Now you can start to explain tothem what they weren't seeing
back then, what you didn't knowabout dad or whoever so-and-so
was X, y, z, but they always hadlove for you, or I love you, or
(21:44):
something, something to makethem feel whatever it is they
needed to hear in that moment,whatever it was they needed to
hear in that moment.
You give them that now.
You love them, you choose tosee them, you choose to value
them.
You tell them that you are notgoing to let, you're not going
to let anyone hurt them everagain.
You tell them that you've gottheir back and that you are
(22:04):
going to make sure that they areloved and they feel and know
that they are loved, because youare going to tell them every
single day just how loved theyare right.
So you take on the role of theparent.
You become the parent that yourparents couldn't be, or whoever
the caregiver was or whoeverthe person was in the experience
.
You take on that role and youstart to reparent your inner
(22:27):
child and you start to buildthem up emotionally and mentally
right and start to make thembelieve a different story, a
more positive, tell a morepositive story and feel a more
positive story about themselves.
And you know, make sure thatyour inner child really does and
truly know their true worth.
(22:48):
Right, set the record straight,because they probably made this
mean something about what theywere worthy of or what they
deserve.
So set the record straight.
What are they worthy of?
Do they need to fight for love?
Do they need to convince otherpeople to love them or chase
people to love them, or campaignfor people to love and
affection?
No, they don't Right.
So these are the things thatyou want to try and start to
(23:11):
instill in them and reassure forthem and and and and and and
really remind them of on theregular, even if it means you
know great practice.
Get a picture of yourself whenyou were around that age.
We get a picture of yourselfwhen you were four or five, six
or seven.
Pin it up on your mirror, talkto it every day, write it a love
(23:33):
note, tell it how much you loveit, tell how amazing that child
is, tell her how much amazingthings she's going to do when
she grows up.
You know, really, you knowbolster, bolster, bolster.
You know I'm remembering thegirlfriend.
What was that movie called?
Oh my god, mamma Mia, when shewas telling her to like bolster
the girl.
Bolster, bolster, bolster.
That's what you want to do.
And then, knowing so, knowingthen, so, knowing what you know
(23:55):
now, and you know, having hadthis talk with your inner child,
you know getting her to feelbetter about herself and feel
better about her worth.
Really, look at the situationfrom.
You know, whatever it was thatwas triggering you, that kind of
now we're going to take it fullcircle, right?
Whatever it was that triggeredyou, that got you to go down
this rabbit hole with your innerchild.
Now you want to say, okay,knowing what I know and knowing
(24:17):
the conversation that I've hadwith my inner child, what action
or non-action would feel rightto take right now?
Knowing what I know now, and ifI truly embodied my worth today
, would you send that text?
I don't know.
Would you?
Would you sit in the bathroomand wait for them to call you?
(24:38):
I don't know.
Would you, would you overgivein the hopes that one day
they'll give back to you?
I don't know, would you?
Maybe you would, and that'sokay.
But if not, you're starting tobreak a pattern, even in asking
the question.
Even in asking the question,does it feel aligned to please,
(24:59):
to give more than I already have, to wait around for a phone
call or to send just one moretext?
Does it really feel aligned,knowing what I know now?
Does it really feel like theright thing to do If you can
tell yourself no and be aware ofthat?
No, you've already done some.
You've already started to breakthe pattern, even though you
(25:20):
may send the text later, in aweak moment.
So be it like it is what it iseach time you go through.
And you will go through itagain if you send the text I'm
just FYI right, you'll keepgoing through this until you
stop the behavior, right.
But just knowing that you'recatching yourself in the moment
of and the awareness of that ishalf the, you've already started
to break the pattern at thatpoint, right.
(25:43):
So go through these stepsAnytime you feel any trigger
really, in any relationshipspecifically specifically any
triggering that is making youwant to self-abandon and to
chase, beg, prove or work forsomeone's love and affection.
Go through these steps and Ipromise you, every time you go
(26:07):
through this, you will transformyourself just a little bit more
, one layer at a time, and thegoal is to get yourself to the
point where your worth isunwavering and your ability to
choose yourself is like it isundeniable, like you're
(26:28):
unapologetic about choosingyourself now because you know.
You know your worth, you knowwhat you deserve and you're not
about to settle for less.
And the more you do this workand reinforce these beliefs with
your inner child right, and dothe work with your inner child
to get her on board with thesebeliefs, the easier it's going
to be.
Every single time the firsttimes are going to be.
Every single time.
(26:48):
The first times are going to bea little messy, a little
uncomfortable, but that's okay,it's all right, it's all good,
all right.
That is all for now, you guys.
So let me know in the commentsor in the email if you're
reading this in the emails, ifyou're listening to this in the
email oh my God, if you listento the, if you got this podcast
through an email no-transcriptand, as always, if you got
(27:37):
anything out of this episode.
Please, please, please, leave apositive rating and review on
iTunes or Spotify or whereverthe heck you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
Welcome if you're new.
Today I wanted to talk aboutbringing your inner child back
into the room when it comes toyour own personal healing and
how uncovering you know, howsome of these relationship
triggers that we experienceagain and again in relationship,
(00:20):
how they're not something toyou know fear or to feel
uncomfortable about, but they'reactually invitations to do some
deeper healing work.
So relationships are ourgreatest teachers and I say that
again and again and I trulybelieve that a hundred percent,
because it's through ourrelationships that we do most of
our healing work right.
We're going to talk about howto recognize when you're, you
(00:42):
know, in a relationship trigger.
We're going to talk aboutbreaking that cycle to
self-abandon and break thecycles of toxic relationship
patterns at the root, and how todo that using inner child
healing work.
We're going to talk about howto reparent your inner child so
that you can finally get intoyou know, step into your power
and really start to chooseyourself unapologetically,
(01:03):
without those wounds kind of youknow, calling all the shots for
you right, and so that you canbecome magnetic to you know,
healthier relationship,emotionally available
relationships, opportunities andjust being the fullest and most
expressed version of yourself,right, which is what happens
when we do a lot of this innerchild healing work.
(01:25):
Right, and I know it soundsfluffy, but trust me, you know
it is really powerful work, andwe do it together.
When we work together in one onone, and the the, the magnitude
of the transformation thatpeople experience from just one
session is like it's just somind blowing.
Obviously, we're not gonna dothat here.
(01:45):
It's just a short littlepodcast, but I'll give you just
a few little prompts that youcan kind of play with to start
doing some of this work on yourown and get a little taste of
what it's like when we do thisin process.
Okay, so first of all, let'sjust talk about what we're
talking about when we're talkingabout triggering relationships,
right?
So triggers, moments that aretriggering, you know we hear
(02:08):
people talk about oh, I was in asituation and it was very
triggering, or that persontriggered me, or this situation
triggered me.
Trigger is a very specifictrigger has a very specific
meaning when it comes to, youknow, an emotional response.
You can have an emotionalresponse to many things, but
it's not necessarily be atrigger.
Trigger usually means, when wesay the word trigger, what we
usually mean is having anexperience where their emotional
response is triggeringsomething from a previous
(02:32):
experience that hasn't beenfully processed or brought to
completion yet.
Right, so it's triggering anold wound, an old pain body, an
old soul fragment that hasn'tfully healed or moved through
whatever the experience was forthem.
So when we experience something, especially in relationships,
right, that becomes triggering.
(02:55):
The emotional response to thattrigger is usually very intense.
We usually feel it very deeplyemotionally.
Sometimes we even feel itphysically, right.
So we'll feel this emotionalintensity, like we may feel it
in our throat, we may feel it inour neck sorry throat, chest
head we may feel it in ourstomach.
We may, like you know, haveclenched fists or tighten our
(03:18):
jaw, like there's so many wayswhen you get an upset stomach,
right days when you get an upsetstomach, right.
And usually what happens is youknow, and this is how I always
say, this is how I always helpmy clients realize that they're
talking about a trigger and notjust you know, because sometimes
when we think we're being,sometimes when we're being
(03:38):
triggered, we actually thinkit's justified, we think it's
all the other person's doing andthey were just behaving badly
and we're just responding totheir bad behavior in a healthy
way.
But really, when you break itdown, even if the other person
was in the wrong, if we'rehaving this kind of
disempowering, emotionalresponse to what happened,
that's when we know we'retriggered.
(03:59):
And I always take peoplethrough this exercise.
When they're not clear thatit's a trigger, I'll always say
to them well, just very briefly,explain to me what was
happening when you started tofeel this way, and they'll start
telling me all the terriblethings that the other person and
then he said this, and then hedid that, and then, and then,
and then, and then you can seethat they're second guessing
their words and they're startingto go over it in their mind.
(04:21):
They're starting to.
They're starting to like, like,go over it in their mind.
They're starting to like, like,they're starting to hear
themselves and they're realizingthat, okay, actually wasn't
that bad when they did, but itfelt bad, and I know it's bad
and I know it felt really bad.
So that's when they startjustifying.
I know it doesn't sound thatintense, but, trust me, when I
was in it it was intense orsomething along those lines
(04:44):
right, because they realize thatyou know, as they're recalling
the situation, there's a part ofthem that there's a part of
them deep within that is alreadyaware yo, your response, no
matter how bad their behaviorwas, was completely
disproportionate to what washappening, right?
So, even though they may havebehaved that person might've
(05:05):
behaved really badly, donehurtful things, disrespectful
things or whatever youremotional response is
disproportionate to that.
Right.
That's your first clue.
Second clue that you're dealingwith a trigger and not just bad
behavior in general is you can'tget past it.
It eats away at you Like forhours, for days, it's all you
(05:26):
can think about.
You're obsessing over it.
You're obsessing over what tosay or how to respond or how to
handle it.
You're talking to everybodythat you know about what
happened and probably you knowdoing that whole I swear you
know it doesn't sound like it'sbad now, but I'm telling you in
the moment it was really intense.
You know.
That's how you know that you'redealing with a trigger.
(05:48):
You feel it deeply emotionally.
You probably also feel itviscerally.
Your response is how you'refeeling it, or the intensity
with which you're feeling it isdisproportionate to what
actually happened and you cannotlet it go Four signs you're
dealing with a trigger.
Was that four or three?
I kind of lost count, anyway,okay.
So, knowing that we're talkingabout, you know self abandonment
(06:12):
, you know healing selfabandonment specifically at the
root, using inner child healing.
We want to look at number one,the things that trigger us in
relationship and the triggersspecifically that want to compel
us to self-abandon in order tosave the relationship, so that
(06:37):
we don't lose love, so that wedon't lose that person's
interest, affection, whatever.
You know, we have to look atall those moments where our
first response to the trigger isto feel compelled to
self-abandon.
Every time that comes up, thatis a powerful opportunity to
(07:00):
heal something within ourselvesthat made us believe that we
needed to chase, convince orprove to other people that we
are worthy of love and worthy tobe loved.
And you know, to convince themto love us, to give us their
love, to give us their heart, togive us their commitment.
And oftentimes these arebehaviors that we learned as
(07:23):
children.
So the next time you know you'retriggered in a relationship and
you know you're feelingcompelled to self-abandon,
whether it is, you know, to gothe extra mile to people, please
, and get that person's approvalor validation, whether it's to.
(07:44):
You know to chase someone whoisn't giving you really the time
of day.
You know write, send themanother text message, check when
the last time they were online.
You know to overgive to someonewho really isn't giving you
much of anything in return inthe hopes that they one day will
reciprocate.
Avoid being honest aboutsomething that might maybe was
(08:07):
uncomfortable for you becauseyou're afraid to be
confrontational, you're afraidto rock the boat, you're afraid
to be too much or to ask for toomuch.
You know sending that extralong text to somebody who
treated you badly, who you know,you know made you feel shitty
and you're hoping that bysending them this long, very
(08:28):
long winded text you'll help.
You know it'll help themrealize the error in their ways
and maybe you'll even get anapology.
But you know this person hasshown you time and time again
that they really don't careabout how you feel.
You know these are the ways thatwe tend to want to self abandon
.
So the next time you gettriggered by something in a
relationship and you feel thaturge or that that inner
(08:52):
compelling feeling to justabandon yourself again, I want
you to stop.
Okay, and here's what I wantyou to do instead.
So we're going to, we're goingto go back.
So now, we're now depending onyou.
Know, I want you to listenthrough this right now, but I
also want you to save thisepisode so you can kind of go
through this practice the nexttime that you're triggered or
the next time you feel compelledto self-abandon, because again,
(09:16):
it is presenting you with apowerful opportunity to heal.
So I want you to go throughthese prompts the next time
you're in this kind of asituation so that you can start
to finally break that patternand cycle and become magnetic to
more loving and healthyrelationships.
Okay, so the first question thatyou want to ask yourself
whenever you're in one of thesesituations is what is this
(09:37):
situation making me feel orbelieve about myself?
So, if you can just isolate themoment, right, take everything
like, take the meaning out ofyour head, take everything that
this person did, what you thinkof it, whether it was right,
whether it was wrong, doesn'tmatter.
Take that all out of your headand I want you to just focus on
(09:59):
what is the situation or what isthis person making me feel or
believe about myself?
Is it that I'm not loved?
Is it that I'm not about myself.
Is it that I'm not loved?
Is it that I'm not good enough?
Is it that I'm not worthy oflove and affection?
Is it that you know?
Whatever, whatever it is thatit's making you believe.
You know, I really just want youto take a deep breath.
I want you to visualize, maybeeven visualize, the person in
(10:22):
front of you.
Visualize you in front of them,right.
Visualize and tap into what'shappening in the moment, right,
really, really start to getspecific.
You know, I want you to feellike you're in the moment,
physically, emotionally andmentally, and from that place,
you know, if you can just kindof pause and ask yourself what
(10:44):
is the first thing, take a deepbreath, if you need to, so that
you can get centered.
We're basically calling on ourintuition now to doing.
A lot of this work is done veryintuitively.
So I want you to just take adeep breath and get centered and
I want you to ask yourself whatis a situation making me feel
or believe about myself, right,or about relationships in
general, right?
(11:04):
So for me, a lot of theserelationships came back to this
belief that I needed to earnlove, that I needed to fight for
love, that I needed to convincepeople to love me, that I
needed to kind of get it out ofthem, right, like there was a
part of me almost that believed.
(11:24):
You know, because you know mydad not that he was, he was
emotionally.
He was an emotionallyunavailable father in the sense
that you know he was notcomfortable with his emotion.
He didn't know how to expressemotion.
I know love was there.
It wasn't that.
It wasn't there, probablywasn't the healthiest.
You know he had his own traumathat he unhealed, trauma that he
was dealing with and that hehadn't processed.
(11:46):
But also he was veryuncomfortable with emotion.
My father was a man who had alot of patriarchal conditioning
and emotions were bad, right, hedid not know how to be present
with them.
He did not know how to feelwith them like, feel through
them.
He had a very unhealthyrelationship with his emotional
body and that unhealthyrelationship translated into his
(12:08):
relationships as beingemotionally unavailable.
So for me, when I was younger,that looked like trying to
extract love from my dad,because I'm somebody whose love
language is words of affirmationand I just was not getting that
from my father.
So I was doing everything in mypower to try and extract those
(12:28):
words of affirmation andconstantly work towards hearing
the words I love you, you knowyou're beautiful, you're this,
you're that, you're whatever,right.
I needed to hear those thingsand I was constantly pulling,
chasing, strategizing for how toget them right.
So, for me, whenever thosesituations happened, whenever I
(12:52):
was in a triggering situation,it was usually because something
they were doing was making mefeel like I wasn't loved, and so
I needed to fight, to chase.
I needed to fight to chase, tostrategize, to hear the I love
you that I was wanting to hear,to finally have their affection
(13:13):
for me, their love for me, theirintentions for me verbally
validated and spoken right.
So that's what was usuallyhappening for me in these
situations and that's usuallywhat was true.
So what would trigger me is ifthey left me questioning how
they felt, if they were like,really, you know, into the
relationship one day and thenwent MIA the next day.
(13:35):
Or, you know, they had this hotand cold thing right.
They're texting, texting,texting like fire, texting me
for days, and then all of asudden, they're reading my text
messages and not responding andnot explaining why.
You know, we make all theseamazing plans and then they
ghost and I don't hear from themfor like days, or sometimes
weeks on end, I would start tospiral and I would immediately
(13:55):
go into this pattern of wantingto chase love, of wanting to
chase validation that I wasloved, right, and to strategize
for how, what I was going to doto get that validation.
So you know, that's kind of youknow.
For you it might be totallydifferent, but I want you to ask
yourself what is the situationmaking me feel or believe about
(14:18):
myself or about relationships ingeneral?
And then I want you to go backand I want you to ask yourself
when was the first time or whowas the first person who made me
feel this way?
So again, for me it was my dad,right?
That was the first time Iremember feeling like I needed
to fight for someone to say Ilove you or to verbalize their
feelings for me or to validatetheir feelings for me, and there
(14:40):
was a part of me that, as achild, desperately needed and
wanted that validation.
And so what ended up happeningwas I was repeating that cycle
as an when I grew up, as anadult.
So when was the first time, youknow, whatever it was, that
this relationship was making youfeel about yourself, or the
situation was making you feel orbelieve about yourself.
When was the first time or thefirst person who made you feel
(15:04):
that way?
And just trust the first personthat comes to mind.
You know whether it's a fatherfigure, a mother figure, a
sibling, a teacher, a friend, itdoesn't matter.
It doesn't matter how old youare.
I want you to get first personthat comes to mind.
(15:24):
And then I want you to askyourself what did they do that
made me feel this way and whatdid they do to what did I?
What did I make it believe?
What did I make it mean aboutme when they did this?
So what did they do to make mefeel this way?
What was the behavior?
What was the pattern?
What was you know?
(15:44):
What was it that was triggeringfor you that made you feel this
way?
And then, what did you make itmean about you?
So, for me and my dad, rightgoing back to that example, my
triggering, the triggeringbehavior, that, that the
behavior in him that triggeredthis in me, was this inability
to express his emotion, like toexpress that he loved me, to
(16:06):
validate his love for me, to sayit out loud, to say it verbally
, to make me feel validated andreassured, that I was loved,
right.
So what did I make it believeabout me?
Well, I mean, I think manythings.
I think it made me believe thatI had to work hard for love, I
had to chase love, I had to getit out of people, and I think
(16:29):
beneath that because there'salways multiple layers, beneath
that there's this belief.
If they didn't say it that well, I wasn't loved, and if my own
father doesn't love me, thenmaybe I'm not worthy of love.
This is how we kind of processinformation as children, right,
because really, as children,when we're processing
information, we're processingrelationship dynamics.
Everything's about us.
(16:49):
Like, children are the mostego-driven, and it's not in a
bad way, you know.
But when there's usually whenthere's something goes wrong in
a relationship, or you knowthere's pain or there's drama or
there's fighting or there'sdisappointment or whatever,
children always make it meanabout them poor things, you know
.
So when we go through thingsand we experience them as
(17:10):
children, it's always about us,it's always our fault.
I didn't have the capacity atfour years old to understand
that my father was anemotionally available man
because of his own unhealedtrauma.
I thought he was being the wayhe was being, because obviously
I was not good enough, he didn'tlove me enough.
You know, obviously, if heloved me enough, he would tell
me that he loved me, and if hedidn't love me enough, I had to
(17:30):
work for it, right.
And so this is the samementality that I ended up
bringing to my relationships.
I ended up dating a whole bunchof emotionally unavailable
people and trying to get orextract love from them, trying
to get them to validate anemotional experience, validate
an emotional commitment to me.
That just was not there, and Ithought that if I worked hard
(17:51):
enough at it, I could turn thesituation around right.
So then, after you've kind of,you know, explored those
questions, you've, you've talked, you've, you've kind of given
some thought with okay, who wasthe first person, first person
to make me feel that way?
What did they make me believeabout myself, or what did they
do to make me feel that way, andwhat did it make me believe
(18:13):
about myself?
Then you want to ask yourselfwhat was the truth?
Now, Now, knowing what I knownow, right, what was the truth
about the situation really thatI wasn't seeing at that time
when I was a little girl?
So, like I said, for me.
I wasn't seeing when I was fouryears old, five years old,
(18:34):
seven years old.
I wasn't seeing the fact thatmy dad had all of this unhealed
trauma, that he hadn't movedthrough a process that was
making him behave the way he wasbehaving.
I just interpreted as he didn'tlove me, I had to earn his love
right.
He didn't love me, I had toearn his love right, and I had
to work hard to get him tovalidate and verbally affirm
that he loved me.
Right Now I know different.
(18:57):
Now I know that my dad wasdealing with a lot of unhealed
trauma and a lot of issues thatwere going on beneath the
surface that made it very, verydifficult for him to be in his
emotional experience, very, verydifficult for him to be in his
emotional experience.
And so now it makes total senseto me, but it's still, even
(19:17):
though it makes sense to me now,mentally it still was not
making sense to my inner child.
My inner child was still actingout Okay.
So next question is what doesthat little girl or boy need to
hear from me right now?
That would make him or her feelbetter and know their true
(19:38):
worth, right?
So what if you were to see yourinner child, if you were to see
like and if you could go backto that version of you that
first felt that way.
If you can get a picture inyour head what did you look like
?
What were you wearing?
What kind of shoes were youwearing?
What were you doing at the time?
Who was there?
You know, if you can just get arandom picture in your mind of
you when you were younger, thefirst time you remember it
(19:59):
doesn't have to be the firsttime you felt that way, but the
first time you remember, thefirst recall that comes to mind
of when you felt that way.
Maybe it was the mostsignificant or just the one that
you can recall the easiest,doesn't matter.
Or maybe it's just a randompicture you built in your head,
doesn't matter, just go with it.
Right, and you've identifiedwhat the truth was about the
(20:20):
situation.
So what can you tell him or hernow to make them feel better?
Well, number one you can list.
The first thing you do is youwant to listen to them.
So if they have anything theywant to say to you, you get them
to let it out, and you do notinterrupt until they're done.
You do this all intuitively.
You get them to let everythingout that they've been holding
(20:41):
onto every pain, everyheartbreak, every disappointment
, every negative belief they hadabout themselves, everything
that made them sad, every tear,every scream, every whatever,
whatever it is they want to letout.
You just let them let it outand you just hold space and you
love them and you hold the spaceand you let them let it out and
(21:02):
then you validate theirfeelings.
Okay, very important.
You want to validate your innerchild's feelings.
You want to make them feel seen, loved and heard and held.
Okay, that's what every childwants when they're acting out
and having a tantrum.
They just want to feel seen,heard, validated and held.
So you want to do that for themand that's the first thing you
(21:23):
do.
And then, when you finally feellike they've, this inner child
within you has calmed down.
Now you can start to explain tothem what they weren't seeing
back then, what you didn't knowabout dad or whoever so-and-so
was X, y, z, but they always hadlove for you, or I love you, or
(21:44):
something, something to makethem feel whatever it is they
needed to hear in that moment,whatever it was they needed to
hear in that moment.
You give them that now.
You love them, you choose tosee them, you choose to value
them.
You tell them that you are notgoing to let, you're not going
to let anyone hurt them everagain.
You tell them that you've gottheir back and that you are
(22:04):
going to make sure that they areloved and they feel and know
that they are loved, because youare going to tell them every
single day just how loved theyare right.
So you take on the role of theparent.
You become the parent that yourparents couldn't be, or whoever
the caregiver was or whoeverthe person was in the experience
.
You take on that role and youstart to reparent your inner
(22:27):
child and you start to buildthem up emotionally and mentally
right and start to make thembelieve a different story, a
more positive, tell a morepositive story and feel a more
positive story about themselves.
And you know, make sure thatyour inner child really does and
truly know their true worth.
(22:48):
Right, set the record straight,because they probably made this
mean something about what theywere worthy of or what they
deserve.
So set the record straight.
What are they worthy of?
Do they need to fight for love?
Do they need to convince otherpeople to love them or chase
people to love them, or campaignfor people to love and
affection?
No, they don't Right.
So these are the things thatyou want to try and start to
(23:11):
instill in them and reassure forthem and and and and and and
really remind them of on theregular, even if it means you
know great practice.
Get a picture of yourself whenyou were around that age.
We get a picture of yourselfwhen you were four or five, six
or seven.
Pin it up on your mirror, talkto it every day, write it a love
(23:33):
note, tell it how much you loveit, tell how amazing that child
is, tell her how much amazingthings she's going to do when
she grows up.
You know, really, you knowbolster, bolster, bolster.
You know I'm remembering thegirlfriend.
What was that movie called?
Oh my god, mamma Mia, when shewas telling her to like bolster
the girl.
Bolster, bolster, bolster.
That's what you want to do.
And then, knowing so, knowingthen, so, knowing what you know
(23:55):
now, and you know, having hadthis talk with your inner child,
you know getting her to feelbetter about herself and feel
better about her worth.
Really, look at the situationfrom.
You know, whatever it was thatwas triggering you, that kind of
now we're going to take it fullcircle, right?
Whatever it was that triggeredyou, that got you to go down
this rabbit hole with your innerchild.
Now you want to say, okay,knowing what I know and knowing
(24:17):
the conversation that I've hadwith my inner child, what action
or non-action would feel rightto take right now?
Knowing what I know now, and ifI truly embodied my worth today
, would you send that text?
I don't know.
Would you?
Would you sit in the bathroomand wait for them to call you?
(24:38):
I don't know.
Would you, would you overgivein the hopes that one day
they'll give back to you?
I don't know, would you?
Maybe you would, and that'sokay.
But if not, you're starting tobreak a pattern, even in asking
the question.
Even in asking the question,does it feel aligned to please,
(24:59):
to give more than I already have, to wait around for a phone
call or to send just one moretext?
Does it really feel aligned,knowing what I know now?
Does it really feel like theright thing to do If you can
tell yourself no and be aware ofthat?
No, you've already done some.
You've already started to breakthe pattern, even though you
(25:20):
may send the text later, in aweak moment.
So be it like it is what it iseach time you go through.
And you will go through itagain if you send the text I'm
just FYI right, you'll keepgoing through this until you
stop the behavior, right.
But just knowing that you'recatching yourself in the moment
of and the awareness of that ishalf the, you've already started
to break the pattern at thatpoint, right.
(25:43):
So go through these stepsAnytime you feel any trigger
really, in any relationshipspecifically specifically any
triggering that is making youwant to self-abandon and to
chase, beg, prove or work forsomeone's love and affection.
Go through these steps and Ipromise you, every time you go
(26:07):
through this, you will transformyourself just a little bit more
, one layer at a time, and thegoal is to get yourself to the
point where your worth isunwavering and your ability to
choose yourself is like it isundeniable, like you're
(26:28):
unapologetic about choosingyourself now because you know.
You know your worth, you knowwhat you deserve and you're not
about to settle for less.
And the more you do this workand reinforce these beliefs with
your inner child right, and dothe work with your inner child
to get her on board with thesebeliefs, the easier it's going
to be.
Every single time the firsttimes are going to be.
Every single time.
(26:48):
The first times are going to bea little messy, a little
uncomfortable, but that's okay,it's all right, it's all good,
all right.
That is all for now, you guys.
So let me know in the commentsor in the email if you're
reading this in the emails, ifyou're listening to this in the
email oh my God, if you listento the, if you got this podcast
through an email no-transcriptand, as always, if you got
(27:37):
anything out of this episode.
Please, please, please, leave apositive rating and review on
iTunes or Spotify or whereverthe heck you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.