February 20, 2025 • 30 mins
Have you ever felt like you weren’t enough to be fully loved? Like no matter what you did, you always found yourself settling for less than you truly deserve—just to feel wanted? In this deeply personal episode of The Femme Cast, I open up about my own struggle with self-worth and the old story that kept me trapped in patterns of rushing into relationships, tolerating less than I deserved, and questioning if I was truly lovable.
Through my own journey, I’ll take you inside the moment I finally challenged that narrative—the moment I stopped settling, raised my standards, and started choosing myself first. I’ll share how this old story resurfaced after a recent breakup, how I’m rewriting it now, and what it really takes to step into the kind of love you desire—without fear, self-doubt, or compromise.
If you’ve ever struggled with feeling worthy of deep, lasting love… this episode is for you. Because the truth is, you are enough. You always have been. It’s time to start believing it.
Let's do this.
PS: Stop begging to be chosen. Choose yourself instead.
You’re not here to beg, chase, or perform for the bare minimum.
You’re here to reclaim your power and become magnetic to real, soul-aligned love, success, and abundance.
Reclaim the version of you that never had to beg to be chosen.
Book your 90-minute Sacred Reclamation Intensive.
But fair warning—authentic connections, aligned opportunities, and breakthroughs in love, money, and purpose are inevitable.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey guys, what is up?
And welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome if you're new.
Today we're talking about howI'm always challenging the story
that I am not enough to befully loved, and this is
something that has been a realtheme for me in my life.
You guys Listen, I don't dowhat I do because self-love came
(00:21):
easy for me.
I do what I do becauseself-love came easy for me.
I do what I do becauseself-love for me and believing
that I was enough, that I wasgood enough and that I was a
woman of value and worth and,you know, brought a lot to a
relationship that, for me, tooka ton of fucking work.
Okay, so for me, you know, thestory of I am not enough it
(00:45):
comes up again and again fromtime to time and it comes up in
many situations like my personalrelationships, my friendships,
my partnerships, my familyrelationships, my work
relationships.
It constantly comes up againand again and again, and it's
something that I have toconsciously choose to evolve
(01:06):
through, and that is really whyI do the work that I do.
Right, I'm here to evolvethrough it so that I can support
other people who are goingthrough and struggling with the
same thing.
So today we're talking abouthow I challenge that story on a
regular basis.
So this is for you.
If you struggle to believe thatyou're enough to be fully loved
, to be fully seen for who youare, if you're in a pattern of
(01:29):
constantly settling for less inyour relationship, for fear that
you can't do any better or youwon't find anyone else, or if
you're always wanting to rush inand cement your relationships
before you've even given athought as to whether or not you
even want to be in arelationship with this person.
Right?
These are all signs that youknow there's probably a deficit
in the enoughness meter thatyou're dealing with.
(01:52):
So, and that's okay, that isliterally what we're here for.
So, having said that, myquestion for you today is how
does the story of not beingenough show up for you in your
relationships, or how do youthink it shows up for you in
your relationships, or how doyou think it shows up for you in
your relationships?
So hit me up at the Femcast onInstagram and send me a DM and
let me know, or you can email meat maria at the femcoachcom.
(02:15):
I do try and get back toeverybody, but I will always
acknowledge your message and Ido read every single message
that I get.
So please know that it is heardand it is acknowledged, and I
do try and reply whereverpossible.
So, going back to what we weretalking about last time on the
show, I do want to start holdingor having an intention at the
(02:38):
beginning of each episode theintention of healing, the
intention of creating space, theintention that you create, that
you experience some sort of ashift, or here's something that
you're supposed to hear.
So, if you can close your eyes,if you can't, don't worry.
Just take a deep breath anddrop into the moment and just be
really present.
And may this episode meet youexactly where you are today.
(03:03):
May it lead you exactly whereyou need to be led.
May you hear exactly what it isthat you need to hear.
May it stir something deepwithin you to create a shift, a
truth, an awakening, anunlocking of self, igniting a
power that you've always hadinside of you.
May you feel fully seen, fullysafe and fully supported as you
break cycles, rise higher andstep fully into the love and
(03:26):
life that you deserve.
You are worthy, you arepowerful, you are enough.
Amen, let's dive in.
So, like I said, this issomething that I've struggled
with my entire life and it iswhy I do that I do.
This belief of not being enoughis what has kept me settling so
(03:50):
I was gonna say terribly somuch in so many of my past
relationships low standards forthe quality, like the kind of
people that I was attracting inand how, and, and high tolerance
for poor treatment.
Um, and almost feeling likewhen they treated me badly and
(04:15):
this is so I, I, you know.
If you're in this situation, myheart goes out to you because I
know how painful it is.
But there was this element ofyou know, when they treated me
badly, that I had done somethingwrong for them to treat me that
way, that I was obviously notenough, I wasn't good enough, I
had done something for them.
And then, if I did try to takea stand for myself and set a
(04:40):
boundary or ask for more or askto be treated better or demand
that I get treated better, whatended up happening more often
than not was I would get likebacklash, like it's almost how
dare you call out like this isthem, not me.
It was almost this energy ofhow dare you call out my bad
behavior and not just feel goodabout the way that I'm treating
(05:04):
you.
How dare you Like you know whatI mean Like there was this real
.
There was this real moment in mylife and I can still remember
why I, you know, there wassomebody in particular who was
quite toxic in my life and I canremember trying to set a
boundary with him and saying,listen, like the buck stops here
.
Like you've been, you've beendoing this, that and the other
(05:25):
and I just I don't deserve to betreated this way, you know, and
it's it's not okay for meanymore to be in this situation.
And he ripped into me like asif I had done, as if I had done
wrong to him, where, up untilthis point, all I had done was
(05:47):
tolerated all his bad behavior,made excuses for it.
Let's see, I tolerated it, Imade excuses for it, I tried.
You know the whole positivethought, gratitude thing, like
just think positively, you know,just just focus on the things
he does well, hoping that it'llmake things better, or be
(06:10):
grateful when he does.
You know when, when he does,you know for further things in
your life and when he does, showup the way you want him to and
you'll attract more of that.
Betty was toxic as fuck and Iwas like trying to like, twist
everything in my head and in myenergy to make it work and my
favor, like the way in my mind,my ego told me that it was
(06:30):
supposed to work and it wasn't.
And so this is where I say, youknow, every spiritual tool and
practice with a grain of salt.
Yes, gratitude makesrelationships better.
I'm not going to say it doesn't.
Yes, you know, unconditionallyloving your partner makes
relationships better.
I'm not going to say it doesn't.
Yes, unconditionally lovingyour partner makes relationships
better.
Of course, being able to seethe good and the positive right,
(06:53):
but you also have to be real.
We can't just disregard badbehavior and we can't tolerate
it, and we certainly can't makeexcuses for it, blame ourselves
or, worse, try and positivethought our way out of it.
Like bad behavior is badbehavior, period, full stop, you
know, especially if somebody istreating you disrespectfully,
(07:13):
which this guy clearly was.
And so I can remember being ina situation where I called him
out on it and he gave me shitfor calling him out and made me
feel like I was the bad person,like there was something wrong
(07:34):
with me for calling him out andnot tolerating his bad behavior.
This is this, this, this.
This particular incident took meso long to get over, even
though I knew right away it wasfucked.
Like I walked away from thatthinking that is fucked, I don't
want any part of that, like Iam done.
And so I walked away from that.
And but there was still thisresidual how do I put it?
(07:59):
It was like this underlying,like a quiet undertone of but
what if it was your fault?
What if you?
What if you did do?
Like you know, and it plays inyour mind and I think that's
where I started to realize and Ireally started to see.
I think that was the firstmoment I actually really started
to see.
Like you know maybe I'm notplaying with a full self-worth
(08:22):
deck here, you know because Iwas like how, how is it possible
?
This is where I woke up.
So I kind of have to thank himbecause he was a big turning
point for me.
This was where, I think, youknow, months after the incident
and it was still it sat raw inme for a very long time, you
guys, very long, like years.
(08:45):
It took me to process thisbecause it just cut so like his
words just cut so deep in theway he treated me, just cut so
deep.
So I did have a lot of love andaffection for this person and I
did put a lot of work into thisrelationship and a lot of
patience and I put up with a lot.
There was a lot of resentmentthere, sure, because I put up
with so much, but you know, ittook me a long time to get over
(09:08):
it and there was a period,probably about I don't know how
long into it, but it was quitesome time after that incident
had happened, where I said tomyself hold on a second, started
to see things clearly.
He did X, y and Z to you.
Why do you feel that likesomehow this was your fault and
(09:30):
even though I was acknowledgingit, I still felt it Like so
deeply, I felt it so deeply.
This guy lied to me, this guyghosted me more than once.
This guy cheated on me.
This guy basically just strungme along and used me to fill a
void whenever he was bored,whenever he wanted to see me.
(09:52):
That's when we would see eachother and you know so.
You know we would see eachother, we would hang out, we
would have a great time, wewould totally connect, and then
I wouldn't hear from him for,like, I would hear from him
often but I may not see him forweeks, sometimes even months,
because we weren't even.
It wasn't even a situationship,it was an occasional hey, what
(10:13):
are you doing?
You know it was such a messedup situation and I knew he was
seeing other people, I knew hewas.
You know he had a pattern ofghosting me and I knew that when
he got triggered or when hestarted to feel feel insecure or
when I started to feel like Isomehow I was starting to feel
(10:34):
empowered or kind of pull awayfrom him, he would lash out at
me and lash out hardcore and saythe meanest, most like hardcore
things and hurtful things.
And I kept taking this guy Iwon't say something else.
I kept taking this guy backagain and again and I'm like,
(10:57):
why do you feel bad?
And like the last, like thelast time we were together, like
totally disrespected, wastotally seeing somebody else,
like, and was completelydisrespecting me and not to
mention talking shit about mebehind my back.
So I'm like why, why are you?
Why are you even here, letalone like feeling like you've
(11:19):
done something wrong All thisperson has done has hurt you and
manipulate you and belittle youand disrespect you again and
again and again and again.
And you're going to feel badfor setting a boundary.
And I think you know, when we dohave this self-worth deficit,
when we have this you know storythat's constantly playing
(11:42):
behind the scenes, that we arenot enough.
Things like speaking our truthis hard.
Things like setting a boundaryis hard.
Things like, you know, askingfor what we want or raising our
standards is hard, because atthe root of all of it, is this,
not enoughness to think are weactually going to get it?
Is it my place to even ask forthis?
Right, and so we do secondguess ourselves, right?
(12:09):
And so here's what I'm going tosay to you If you're in that
situation, right, and you findyourself in that boat where you
feel like you're constantly, youknow, questioning whether or
not you're, you know you're goodenough and you're constantly
insecure, you're constantlyafraid they're going to abandon,
reject you or cheat on you orwhatever, and you're
uncomfortable speaking yourtruth, uncomfortable having
(12:29):
those hard conversations settingboundaries, you know, really
taking a stand for yourself andyour worth, I want to tell you
that it's going to beuncomfortable and I want you to
allow that discomfort.
I want you to let it beuncomfortable and I want you to
not see that as a bad thing.
I want you to start to okay,this is uncomfortable.
(12:50):
That means I must be healing.
You know, I want you to to notsee that as a bad thing.
I want you to start to okay,this is uncomfortable.
That means I must be healing.
You know, I want you to shiftyour perspective around
discomfort, because it is goingto feel uncomfortable at first.
You know, and I really want youto.
You know, I'm a I'm a veryemotional person.
Um, I do things veryintuitively.
I'm not the most logical personin the world.
(13:12):
No, that's not true.
I am very logical.
But there's always this tug ofwar between my intuitive side
and my logical side.
You know, no matter how youfind and if you're a very
sensitive, loving, empathicperson which, if you're
listening to this podcast, youprobably are I want you to take
(13:35):
emotion out of the equation.
I want you to take emotioncompletely out of the equation
and I want you to look at thehard facts.
How do they treat you?
Would you let your friend betreated that way?
Or your mother?
Would you let your friend betreated that way?
Or your mother or your daughteror somebody Like?
We need to start looking atsituations not from what we
(13:57):
think we deserve, but what'sright or wrong.
You know, this is how we end upin abusive situations, and
people always say oh, you know,I don't know how women end up in
these situations.
You know what I used to saythat and you know what Emotional
abuse it creeps in on youwithout even realizing that it's
happening.
And physical abuse too.
I think it happens so slowlyand usually it's because there
(14:23):
is something other underlyingthings going on, you know.
So, walking away from thoserelationships, from setting
boundaries, from asking for whatyou want, from raising your
standards, from showing up as aversion of you who deserves
better, who is worth more thanyou've ever believed yourself to
be.
Yes, it is uncomfortable asfuck, but that gets to be okay
(14:44):
and that gets to actually beamazing.
I want you to tell yourselfevery time you get uncomfortable
oh, this is good, this means Iactually be amazing.
I want you to tell yourselfevery time you get uncomfortable
oh, this is good, this meansI'm elevating.
I'm elevating my standards.
I'm elevating how I feel aboutmyself.
I'm elevating who it is, thatyou know I, what it is I invite
or tolerate in my life.
I want you to think of it inall the good ways you possibly
(15:06):
can, and that's one of the waysthat I kind of overcome this
story.
You know the story or thisnarrative that I'm not enough,
you know, and the discomfortcomes in.
I am enough.
That's why I'm feeling adiscomfort right now, because
I'm really challenging the story.
I'm challenging what I believedmy entire life and I'm just
going to let the discomfort bethere and I'm going to move
through it and I'm not going todo what the discomfort is asking
(15:28):
me to do, which is usually rushinto another relationship, make
amends with the one that youjust broke up with, which you
know I had to move through acouple of times since my breakup
, not that he was a bad person,but because I know it's not what
I want.
You know, and that has really, Ithink, triggered a lot of this
for me, is that you know, thisperson loved me so much and was
(15:50):
so loving and so kind and soromantic.
There's this fear in the backof my mind.
Well, what if I never find thatagain Right which I know is BS,
because I know I deserve love,I know I am good enough to be
loved, I know I'm a high valuewoman and you know this is just
an old story that's kind of comeback to the surface, so I'm
(16:12):
letting it be uncomfortable.
I'm letting it be uncomfortable, I'm acknowledging the
discomfort and I'm continuing tochoose the desire or the higher
standard than I had before, andI'm going for gold this time.
You know like I'm reallymindful about this next
(16:35):
relationship that I'm calling in.
You know, all the relationshipsthat I've been in have been,
you know, well, I mean even theones that were painful.
Every relationship teaches yousomething about what you want
and what you don't.
Right, all my relationshipshave taught me so much, even the
ones recently that were likejust the most loving and
(16:55):
romantic experiences and themost amazing, most epic love
stories.
They taught me so much aboutwhat I want, and I know what I
want this next time around, youknow.
And so I'm doing it and I'mallowing it to be uncomfortable,
and it is uncomfortable.
There's so many times that Idoubt myself.
There's so many times that Ifeel like almost like this
(17:17):
little niggle of discomfort,like can I actually ask for this
.
Is this actually real?
Can this actually happen?
Am I being a stack up?
Am I being superficial, likeall these things, all these
stories that we play in the backof our mind when we think about
?
You know the kind of partner wewant in our life.
I don't know when or how or why, but you know, we've kind of
(17:41):
romanticized all these difficultlove stories and they don't
need to be.
You know, um, we can be inrelationship with somebody who
you know, who meets us where we,where we're at, who can't.
You know they don't have todeliver the star and the moons,
(18:03):
but you know, there's this thingabout feeling bad for wanting
more that I think we need to getpast, you know, and that's when
the discomfort comes up for me,and that's why this whole story
of you know not enoughness,that comes up for me, and this
(18:24):
is how I challenge it.
I continue to choose again.
I continue to choose.
Even though I feel thediscomfort, I acknowledge it and
I move through it.
I'm like, okay, I get it.
You're here, I feel you, I seeyou, I recognize you, I know
exactly where you're coming from, but I'm still going to choose
what this is that I want and I'mstill going to set my
(18:44):
intentions there, I'm going toset my standards there and start
with that, and then looking attreating myself like the woman
who believes that she deservesthat.
Not how do I put this?
I'm not.
I'm not saying I'm going totreat myself like the woman who
deserves it, because thatimplies that I don't deserve it,
(19:06):
but I'm going to treat myselflike the woman who believes she
deserves it, because we bothdeserve it.
Just one believes it and onedoesn't.
Essentially is what it is.
So what is the woman whobelieves that she's worthy of
that next little relationship?
How does she treat herself?
How does she show up in theworld?
(19:26):
How does she take care ofherself, her body, her mind, her
emotions, her home, herfinances, like her life?
How does she self-care andtreat herself beyond maybe what
I might be doing for myself?
You know, looking at thingslike that is a really important
(19:46):
question to ask yourself,because a woman who believes
that she's enough, you know,treats herself.
If you were just gonna look at,you know, all else being equal,
a woman who believes that she'senough, next to a woman who has
, you know, struggles with thatbelief and who has a real
(20:07):
deficit in her enoughness treatthemselves very differently,
because the one who believesthat she's enough will never
self abandon or sacrifice herintegrity, her beliefs, her
desires, her goals to appeaseanybody else, whereas the one
who doesn't believe that she'senough will always do that
because there is a fear of oneof being abandoned and rejected
(20:30):
that comes with that, notenoughness.
So how does the woman whobelieves that she's enough show
up?
And how can you show up morelike that?
That?
That's something that I, that Ilook at every single day.
I don't always get it right.
(20:50):
I fuck it up a lot of the times, um, but that is a conscious
choice I make again and againand again again.
Choosing yourself again andagain right.
Making, making a choice to goin the direction of I am enough,
I am worthy and I am going toshow up for myself as though I
believe that.
And then, when in doubt, justtapping into the love within.
(21:14):
If you had a little child infront of you right now, I came
crying to you and that didn'tfeel good enough.
I don't feel good enough.
I feel like everybody's makingfun of me.
I feel like everybody'slaughing at me.
I feel like I'm ugly.
I feel like nobody loves me.
I feel like everybody's talkingbehind my back.
I just I feel all these things.
(21:35):
I feel, I feel, I feel, I feelI feel.
What would you say to thatchild?
You know you would probablyhold that child and remind them
just how loved they actually are.
So do that for yourself, youknow.
Hold yourself like you would achild, hold yourself in that
love and feel that love withinyourself and just see yourself
(21:56):
as just a little, a lost, scaredlittle girl who doesn't feel
like she's enough.
And I want you to see her infront of you and literally give
her all the love in your heart.
I'm moved.
I'm being moved to tears rightnow because I'm actually seeing
myself.
When I was two years old I wasbaptized very late for my
culture, by the way.
I think it was about two yearsold when they baptized me and
(22:17):
I'm like in this pretty littledress and I'm feeling like just
this, like little princess.
And the whole baptismal scenefor me was so tragic because I
was so much older than babiesnormally are when they're
baptized.
And the way we do baptismbecause I'm Orthodox like we
literally like dunk people intolike this, like basin of water I
(22:38):
thought the priest was tryingto drown me and I thought my
family you know, my family islike what you know, standing
around this like basin, likewatching me get baptized, and
instead of like somebody rushingin to save me from this crazy
man who's trying to drown me ina black cloak, they're all
standing around smiling.
It was like a, it was likewatching a horror movie and I
(23:01):
think in that moment I felt likeI I felt like nobody was saving
me, like I didn't feel like Iwas good enough to be saved.
And so, you know, I'm seeing herright now in my mind.
I'm seeing that little girl inthat beautiful little pink dress
.
She felt so pretty and I cansee her face when she looked
down at the water and is likewhat the fuck?
Nobody's putting me in that?
(23:21):
And I'm just holding her andI'm letting her know just how
love she is and I'm letting hercry it out and I'm letting her
have all the feels and I'mletting her let all that stuff
that she's been holding in, allthat, all those self worth
issues, all that self doubt, allthat insecurity, all those
doubts about herself.
I'm just letting her cry it allout until she's done and then
(23:44):
I'm just holding her with somuch love and I'm literally
feeling the love in my heart.
So I want you to practice thatwhen you have these stories of
not enoughness coming up,because they do come up again
and again and sometimes they dotake a very long time to move
through, and that's okay becausewe kind of move through them in
layers.
Like I said, I continue to dothis work Like I am.
(24:07):
You know I'm not done, like,yes, I'm a far cry from where I
was when I first started, but Iam not done.
You guys, this stuff comes upagain and again.
There's always new lessons, newwisdoms, new truth that come to
light, new shifts that need tohappen and transformations that
take place.
So just be really present withit, allow it, allow it to evolve
(24:28):
on its own, and obviously youknow if you need help.
This is obviously my jam, somake sure you hit me up at the
Femcast on Instagram or you canemail me at maria at
thefemcoachcom.
That is all for now.
You guys, if you love thisepisode, it would mean the world
to me if you would leave apositive rating and review on
Apple Podcasts or Spotify orwherever you're seeing this.
(24:50):
Make sure to share it with afriend who needs this and until
next time, massive love you guys.
Hey guys, what is up?
And welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome if you're new.
Today we're talking about howI'm always challenging the story
that I am not enough to befully loved, and this is
something that has been a realtheme for me in my life.
You guys Listen, I don't dowhat I do because self-love came
(00:21):
easy for me.
I do what I do becauseself-love came easy for me.
I do what I do becauseself-love for me and believing
that I was enough, that I wasgood enough and that I was a
woman of value and worth and,you know, brought a lot to a
relationship that, for me, tooka ton of fucking work.
Okay, so for me, you know, thestory of I am not enough it
(00:45):
comes up again and again fromtime to time and it comes up in
many situations like my personalrelationships, my friendships,
my partnerships, my familyrelationships, my work
relationships.
It constantly comes up againand again and again, and it's
something that I have toconsciously choose to evolve
(01:06):
through, and that is really whyI do the work that I do.
Right, I'm here to evolvethrough it so that I can support
other people who are goingthrough and struggling with the
same thing.
So today we're talking abouthow I challenge that story on a
regular basis.
So this is for you.
If you struggle to believe thatyou're enough to be fully loved
, to be fully seen for who youare, if you're in a pattern of
(01:29):
constantly settling for less inyour relationship, for fear that
you can't do any better or youwon't find anyone else, or if
you're always wanting to rush inand cement your relationships
before you've even given athought as to whether or not you
even want to be in arelationship with this person.
Right?
These are all signs that youknow there's probably a deficit
in the enoughness meter thatyou're dealing with.
(01:52):
So, and that's okay, that isliterally what we're here for.
So, having said that, myquestion for you today is how
does the story of not beingenough show up for you in your
relationships, or how do youthink it shows up for you in
your relationships, or how doyou think it shows up for you in
your relationships?
So hit me up at the Femcast onInstagram and send me a DM and
let me know, or you can email meat maria at the femcoachcom.
(02:15):
I do try and get back toeverybody, but I will always
acknowledge your message and Ido read every single message
that I get.
So please know that it is heardand it is acknowledged, and I
do try and reply whereverpossible.
So, going back to what we weretalking about last time on the
show, I do want to start holdingor having an intention at the
(02:38):
beginning of each episode theintention of healing, the
intention of creating space, theintention that you create, that
you experience some sort of ashift, or here's something that
you're supposed to hear.
So, if you can close your eyes,if you can't, don't worry.
Just take a deep breath anddrop into the moment and just be
really present.
And may this episode meet youexactly where you are today.
(03:03):
May it lead you exactly whereyou need to be led.
May you hear exactly what it isthat you need to hear.
May it stir something deepwithin you to create a shift, a
truth, an awakening, anunlocking of self, igniting a
power that you've always hadinside of you.
May you feel fully seen, fullysafe and fully supported as you
break cycles, rise higher andstep fully into the love and
(03:26):
life that you deserve.
You are worthy, you arepowerful, you are enough.
Amen, let's dive in.
So, like I said, this issomething that I've struggled
with my entire life and it iswhy I do that I do.
This belief of not being enoughis what has kept me settling so
(03:50):
I was gonna say terribly somuch in so many of my past
relationships low standards forthe quality, like the kind of
people that I was attracting inand how, and, and high tolerance
for poor treatment.
Um, and almost feeling likewhen they treated me badly and
(04:15):
this is so I, I, you know.
If you're in this situation, myheart goes out to you because I
know how painful it is.
But there was this element ofyou know, when they treated me
badly, that I had done somethingwrong for them to treat me that
way, that I was obviously notenough, I wasn't good enough, I
had done something for them.
And then, if I did try to takea stand for myself and set a
(04:40):
boundary or ask for more or askto be treated better or demand
that I get treated better, whatended up happening more often
than not was I would get likebacklash, like it's almost how
dare you call out like this isthem, not me.
It was almost this energy ofhow dare you call out my bad
behavior and not just feel goodabout the way that I'm treating
(05:04):
you.
How dare you Like you know whatI mean Like there was this real
.
There was this real moment in mylife and I can still remember
why I, you know, there wassomebody in particular who was
quite toxic in my life and I canremember trying to set a
boundary with him and saying,listen, like the buck stops here
.
Like you've been, you've beendoing this, that and the other
(05:25):
and I just I don't deserve to betreated this way, you know, and
it's it's not okay for meanymore to be in this situation.
And he ripped into me like asif I had done, as if I had done
wrong to him, where, up untilthis point, all I had done was
(05:47):
tolerated all his bad behavior,made excuses for it.
Let's see, I tolerated it, Imade excuses for it, I tried.
You know the whole positivethought, gratitude thing, like
just think positively, you know,just just focus on the things
he does well, hoping that it'llmake things better, or be
(06:10):
grateful when he does.
You know when, when he does,you know for further things in
your life and when he does, showup the way you want him to and
you'll attract more of that.
Betty was toxic as fuck and Iwas like trying to like, twist
everything in my head and in myenergy to make it work and my
favor, like the way in my mind,my ego told me that it was
(06:30):
supposed to work and it wasn't.
And so this is where I say, youknow, every spiritual tool and
practice with a grain of salt.
Yes, gratitude makesrelationships better.
I'm not going to say it doesn't.
Yes, you know, unconditionallyloving your partner makes
relationships better.
I'm not going to say it doesn't.
Yes, unconditionally lovingyour partner makes relationships
better.
Of course, being able to seethe good and the positive right,
(06:53):
but you also have to be real.
We can't just disregard badbehavior and we can't tolerate
it, and we certainly can't makeexcuses for it, blame ourselves
or, worse, try and positivethought our way out of it.
Like bad behavior is badbehavior, period, full stop, you
know, especially if somebody istreating you disrespectfully,
(07:13):
which this guy clearly was.
And so I can remember being ina situation where I called him
out on it and he gave me shitfor calling him out and made me
feel like I was the bad person,like there was something wrong
(07:34):
with me for calling him out andnot tolerating his bad behavior.
This is this, this, this.
This particular incident took meso long to get over, even
though I knew right away it wasfucked.
Like I walked away from thatthinking that is fucked, I don't
want any part of that, like Iam done.
And so I walked away from that.
And but there was still thisresidual how do I put it?
(07:59):
It was like this underlying,like a quiet undertone of but
what if it was your fault?
What if you?
What if you did do?
Like you know, and it plays inyour mind and I think that's
where I started to realize and Ireally started to see.
I think that was the firstmoment I actually really started
to see.
Like you know maybe I'm notplaying with a full self-worth
(08:22):
deck here, you know because Iwas like how, how is it possible
?
This is where I woke up.
So I kind of have to thank himbecause he was a big turning
point for me.
This was where, I think, youknow, months after the incident
and it was still it sat raw inme for a very long time, you
guys, very long, like years.
(08:45):
It took me to process thisbecause it just cut so like his
words just cut so deep in theway he treated me, just cut so
deep.
So I did have a lot of love andaffection for this person and I
did put a lot of work into thisrelationship and a lot of
patience and I put up with a lot.
There was a lot of resentmentthere, sure, because I put up
with so much, but you know, ittook me a long time to get over
(09:08):
it and there was a period,probably about I don't know how
long into it, but it was quitesome time after that incident
had happened, where I said tomyself hold on a second, started
to see things clearly.
He did X, y and Z to you.
Why do you feel that likesomehow this was your fault and
(09:30):
even though I was acknowledgingit, I still felt it Like so
deeply, I felt it so deeply.
This guy lied to me, this guyghosted me more than once.
This guy cheated on me.
This guy basically just strungme along and used me to fill a
void whenever he was bored,whenever he wanted to see me.
(09:52):
That's when we would see eachother and you know so.
You know we would see eachother, we would hang out, we
would have a great time, wewould totally connect, and then
I wouldn't hear from him for,like, I would hear from him
often but I may not see him forweeks, sometimes even months,
because we weren't even.
It wasn't even a situationship,it was an occasional hey, what
(10:13):
are you doing?
You know it was such a messedup situation and I knew he was
seeing other people, I knew hewas.
You know he had a pattern ofghosting me and I knew that when
he got triggered or when hestarted to feel feel insecure or
when I started to feel like Isomehow I was starting to feel
(10:34):
empowered or kind of pull awayfrom him, he would lash out at
me and lash out hardcore and saythe meanest, most like hardcore
things and hurtful things.
And I kept taking this guy Iwon't say something else.
I kept taking this guy backagain and again and I'm like,
(10:57):
why do you feel bad?
And like the last, like thelast time we were together, like
totally disrespected, wastotally seeing somebody else,
like, and was completelydisrespecting me and not to
mention talking shit about mebehind my back.
So I'm like why, why are you?
Why are you even here, letalone like feeling like you've
(11:19):
done something wrong All thisperson has done has hurt you and
manipulate you and belittle youand disrespect you again and
again and again and again.
And you're going to feel badfor setting a boundary.
And I think you know, when we dohave this self-worth deficit,
when we have this you know storythat's constantly playing
(11:42):
behind the scenes, that we arenot enough.
Things like speaking our truthis hard.
Things like setting a boundaryis hard.
Things like, you know, askingfor what we want or raising our
standards is hard, because atthe root of all of it, is this,
not enoughness to think are weactually going to get it?
Is it my place to even ask forthis?
Right, and so we do secondguess ourselves, right?
(12:09):
And so here's what I'm going tosay to you If you're in that
situation, right, and you findyourself in that boat where you
feel like you're constantly, youknow, questioning whether or
not you're, you know you're goodenough and you're constantly
insecure, you're constantlyafraid they're going to abandon,
reject you or cheat on you orwhatever, and you're
uncomfortable speaking yourtruth, uncomfortable having
(12:29):
those hard conversations settingboundaries, you know, really
taking a stand for yourself andyour worth, I want to tell you
that it's going to beuncomfortable and I want you to
allow that discomfort.
I want you to let it beuncomfortable and I want you to
not see that as a bad thing.
I want you to start to okay,this is uncomfortable.
(12:50):
That means I must be healing.
You know, I want you to to notsee that as a bad thing.
I want you to start to okay,this is uncomfortable.
That means I must be healing.
You know, I want you to shiftyour perspective around
discomfort, because it is goingto feel uncomfortable at first.
You know, and I really want youto.
You know, I'm a I'm a veryemotional person.
Um, I do things veryintuitively.
I'm not the most logical personin the world.
(13:12):
No, that's not true.
I am very logical.
But there's always this tug ofwar between my intuitive side
and my logical side.
You know, no matter how youfind and if you're a very
sensitive, loving, empathicperson which, if you're
listening to this podcast, youprobably are I want you to take
(13:35):
emotion out of the equation.
I want you to take emotioncompletely out of the equation
and I want you to look at thehard facts.
How do they treat you?
Would you let your friend betreated that way?
Or your mother?
Would you let your friend betreated that way?
Or your mother or your daughteror somebody Like?
We need to start looking atsituations not from what we
(13:57):
think we deserve, but what'sright or wrong.
You know, this is how we end upin abusive situations, and
people always say oh, you know,I don't know how women end up in
these situations.
You know what I used to saythat and you know what Emotional
abuse it creeps in on youwithout even realizing that it's
happening.
And physical abuse too.
I think it happens so slowlyand usually it's because there
(14:23):
is something other underlyingthings going on, you know.
So, walking away from thoserelationships, from setting
boundaries, from asking for whatyou want, from raising your
standards, from showing up as aversion of you who deserves
better, who is worth more thanyou've ever believed yourself to
be.
Yes, it is uncomfortable asfuck, but that gets to be okay
(14:44):
and that gets to actually beamazing.
I want you to tell yourselfevery time you get uncomfortable
oh, this is good, this means Iactually be amazing.
I want you to tell yourselfevery time you get uncomfortable
oh, this is good, this meansI'm elevating.
I'm elevating my standards.
I'm elevating how I feel aboutmyself.
I'm elevating who it is, thatyou know I, what it is I invite
or tolerate in my life.
I want you to think of it inall the good ways you possibly
(15:06):
can, and that's one of the waysthat I kind of overcome this
story.
You know the story or thisnarrative that I'm not enough,
you know, and the discomfortcomes in.
I am enough.
That's why I'm feeling adiscomfort right now, because
I'm really challenging the story.
I'm challenging what I believedmy entire life and I'm just
going to let the discomfort bethere and I'm going to move
through it and I'm not going todo what the discomfort is asking
(15:28):
me to do, which is usually rushinto another relationship, make
amends with the one that youjust broke up with, which you
know I had to move through acouple of times since my breakup
, not that he was a bad person,but because I know it's not what
I want.
You know, and that has really, Ithink, triggered a lot of this
for me, is that you know, thisperson loved me so much and was
(15:50):
so loving and so kind and soromantic.
There's this fear in the backof my mind.
Well, what if I never find thatagain Right which I know is BS,
because I know I deserve love,I know I am good enough to be
loved, I know I'm a high valuewoman and you know this is just
an old story that's kind of comeback to the surface, so I'm
(16:12):
letting it be uncomfortable.
I'm letting it be uncomfortable, I'm acknowledging the
discomfort and I'm continuing tochoose the desire or the higher
standard than I had before, andI'm going for gold this time.
You know like I'm reallymindful about this next
(16:35):
relationship that I'm calling in.
You know, all the relationshipsthat I've been in have been,
you know, well, I mean even theones that were painful.
Every relationship teaches yousomething about what you want
and what you don't.
Right, all my relationshipshave taught me so much, even the
ones recently that were likejust the most loving and
(16:55):
romantic experiences and themost amazing, most epic love
stories.
They taught me so much aboutwhat I want, and I know what I
want this next time around, youknow.
And so I'm doing it and I'mallowing it to be uncomfortable,
and it is uncomfortable.
There's so many times that Idoubt myself.
There's so many times that Ifeel like almost like this
(17:17):
little niggle of discomfort,like can I actually ask for this
.
Is this actually real?
Can this actually happen?
Am I being a stack up?
Am I being superficial, likeall these things, all these
stories that we play in the backof our mind when we think about
?
You know the kind of partner wewant in our life.
I don't know when or how or why, but you know, we've kind of
(17:41):
romanticized all these difficultlove stories and they don't
need to be.
You know, um, we can be inrelationship with somebody who
you know, who meets us where we,where we're at, who can't.
You know they don't have todeliver the star and the moons,
(18:03):
but you know, there's this thingabout feeling bad for wanting
more that I think we need to getpast, you know, and that's when
the discomfort comes up for me,and that's why this whole story
of you know not enoughness,that comes up for me, and this
(18:24):
is how I challenge it.
I continue to choose again.
I continue to choose.
Even though I feel thediscomfort, I acknowledge it and
I move through it.
I'm like, okay, I get it.
You're here, I feel you, I seeyou, I recognize you, I know
exactly where you're coming from, but I'm still going to choose
what this is that I want and I'mstill going to set my
(18:44):
intentions there, I'm going toset my standards there and start
with that, and then looking attreating myself like the woman
who believes that she deservesthat.
Not how do I put this?
I'm not.
I'm not saying I'm going totreat myself like the woman who
deserves it, because thatimplies that I don't deserve it,
(19:06):
but I'm going to treat myselflike the woman who believes she
deserves it, because we bothdeserve it.
Just one believes it and onedoesn't.
Essentially is what it is.
So what is the woman whobelieves that she's worthy of
that next little relationship?
How does she treat herself?
How does she show up in theworld?
(19:26):
How does she take care ofherself, her body, her mind, her
emotions, her home, herfinances, like her life?
How does she self-care andtreat herself beyond maybe what
I might be doing for myself?
You know, looking at thingslike that is a really important
(19:46):
question to ask yourself,because a woman who believes
that she's enough, you know,treats herself.
If you were just gonna look at,you know, all else being equal,
a woman who believes that she'senough, next to a woman who has
, you know, struggles with thatbelief and who has a real
(20:07):
deficit in her enoughness treatthemselves very differently,
because the one who believesthat she's enough will never
self abandon or sacrifice herintegrity, her beliefs, her
desires, her goals to appeaseanybody else, whereas the one
who doesn't believe that she'senough will always do that
because there is a fear of oneof being abandoned and rejected
(20:30):
that comes with that, notenoughness.
So how does the woman whobelieves that she's enough show
up?
And how can you show up morelike that?
That?
That's something that I, that Ilook at every single day.
I don't always get it right.
(20:50):
I fuck it up a lot of the times, um, but that is a conscious
choice I make again and againand again again.
Choosing yourself again andagain right.
Making, making a choice to goin the direction of I am enough,
I am worthy and I am going toshow up for myself as though I
believe that.
And then, when in doubt, justtapping into the love within.
(21:14):
If you had a little child infront of you right now, I came
crying to you and that didn'tfeel good enough.
I don't feel good enough.
I feel like everybody's makingfun of me.
I feel like everybody'slaughing at me.
I feel like I'm ugly.
I feel like nobody loves me.
I feel like everybody's talkingbehind my back.
I just I feel all these things.
(21:35):
I feel, I feel, I feel, I feelI feel.
What would you say to thatchild?
You know you would probablyhold that child and remind them
just how loved they actually are.
So do that for yourself, youknow.
Hold yourself like you would achild, hold yourself in that
love and feel that love withinyourself and just see yourself
(21:56):
as just a little, a lost, scaredlittle girl who doesn't feel
like she's enough.
And I want you to see her infront of you and literally give
her all the love in your heart.
I'm moved.
I'm being moved to tears rightnow because I'm actually seeing
myself.
When I was two years old I wasbaptized very late for my
culture, by the way.
I think it was about two yearsold when they baptized me and
(22:17):
I'm like in this pretty littledress and I'm feeling like just
this, like little princess.
And the whole baptismal scenefor me was so tragic because I
was so much older than babiesnormally are when they're
baptized.
And the way we do baptismbecause I'm Orthodox like we
literally like dunk people intolike this, like basin of water I
(22:38):
thought the priest was tryingto drown me and I thought my
family you know, my family islike what you know, standing
around this like basin, likewatching me get baptized, and
instead of like somebody rushingin to save me from this crazy
man who's trying to drown me ina black cloak, they're all
standing around smiling.
It was like a, it was likewatching a horror movie and I
(23:01):
think in that moment I felt likeI I felt like nobody was saving
me, like I didn't feel like Iwas good enough to be saved.
And so, you know, I'm seeing herright now in my mind.
I'm seeing that little girl inthat beautiful little pink dress
.
She felt so pretty and I cansee her face when she looked
down at the water and is likewhat the fuck?
Nobody's putting me in that?
(23:21):
And I'm just holding her andI'm letting her know just how
love she is and I'm letting hercry it out and I'm letting her
have all the feels and I'mletting her let all that stuff
that she's been holding in, allthat, all those self worth
issues, all that self doubt, allthat insecurity, all those
doubts about herself.
I'm just letting her cry it allout until she's done and then
(23:44):
I'm just holding her with somuch love and I'm literally
feeling the love in my heart.
So I want you to practice thatwhen you have these stories of
not enoughness coming up,because they do come up again
and again and sometimes they dotake a very long time to move
through, and that's okay becausewe kind of move through them in
layers.
Like I said, I continue to dothis work Like I am.
(24:07):
You know I'm not done, like,yes, I'm a far cry from where I
was when I first started, but Iam not done.
You guys, this stuff comes upagain and again.
There's always new lessons, newwisdoms, new truth that come to
light, new shifts that need tohappen and transformations that
take place.
So just be really present withit, allow it, allow it to evolve
(24:28):
on its own, and obviously youknow if you need help.
This is obviously my jam, somake sure you hit me up at the
Femcast on Instagram or you canemail me at maria at
thefemcoachcom.
That is all for now.
You guys, if you love thisepisode, it would mean the world
to me if you would leave apositive rating and review on
Apple Podcasts or Spotify orwherever you're seeing this.
(24:50):
Make sure to share it with afriend who needs this and until
next time, massive love you guys.
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