Have you ever driven somewhere and realized you don't have a single clue how you got there? That’s exactly how people pleasing can steer your life — silently, unconsciously — until one day you wake up wondering, "How the hell did I get here?"
In today’s episode of The Femme Cast, I’m diving deep into the invisible but massive impact people pleasing has on the trajectory of your life — and how to break free.
As a recovering people pleaser, I share:
- Why even small, daily decisions to please others create huge momentum away from your true path
- How the 35,000+ decisions we make each day either align us with our soul — or pull us deeper into disconnection
- How people pleasing feeds on our core wounds of abandonment and rejection — and what to do about it
- The surprising truth: People pleasing has more power to sabotage your life than even major traumas or life events
- How to tell the difference between fear-based discomfort (fear of disappointing others) and true intuition
- How my bold decision to disappoint others and follow my body’s "yes" transformed my life
Each time you make a tiny choice to betray yourself for approval, you hand over the wheel. You coast through life on autopilot, until one day you look around at relationships, careers, and a life that feels completely misaligned — and realize you didn’t consciously choose any of it.
The good news? You can take your power back. It starts with small, courageous choices. It starts with being willing to do "the unpleasing thing" — the thing that honors your soul over others' expectations.
Recovery isn’t about perfection. It’s about consistent awareness, messy courage, and radical self-trust.
You are one brave decision away from changing your entire life trajectory.
Let's do this.
Ready to stop abandoning yourself for love? To finally rise from the wreckage of betrayal and become the woman you were born to be?
The Sacred Reclamation Series: Betrayal Edition starts July 21st right here on The Femme Cast.
5 soul-stirring podcast episodes + a FREE live healing + activation on July 29th @ 8PM EST
This is your sign.
This is your turning point.
Claim your seat now at the FREE live healing + activation now.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome if you're new.
Sorry, I know it's been aminute, but it's been a crazy
few weeks.
But that's not to say that Ihave not been giving some
serious thought as to where Iwant to go next with the show,
and I have some notes on somesituations that have come up
(00:20):
over the last couple of weeks,significantly, or one really
significant one with a friend ofmine that she's been going
through, and she's in asituation that I can very, very,
very, very much relate tobecause I've been there a
kajillion times, most notably 10years ago-ish.
(00:41):
10 years ago ish, shortly aftermy divorce, when I came back
from my first trip to Bali.
And I can, I, I honestly, youknow, it's one of these things
that you will often experiencewhen you are a people pleaser,
and I am a self proclaimedpeople pleaser.
(01:02):
I am a recovering peoplepleaser.
I'm not going to say that I'mfully recovered, because it
still takes dedication on mypart to check in, to see where
I'm at, to see if I'm aligned,to see if I've been making
decisions from a heart-centeredplace, to see if I've been
putting my boundaries in placeto see if I've been upholding
them.
You know it is a daily practiceand check-in Not daily, but
(01:29):
it's something that I have tocheck in with often to make sure
that I am aligned.
You know, because my secondnature is really to people
please and I have to rememberthat and I have to really be
mindful of that.
And I don't know that, you know, if you're somebody who
resonates with being a peoplepleaser, I don't know that we
ever get to a point where itnever happens ever again.
I think sometimes, you know weget better at it, we get
(01:51):
stronger at it, we get moreconfident about it.
But you know, there's alwayssituations where I feel like it
kind of brings out that innerchild that's looking for
approval or who's trying toavoid being abandoned or
rejected, that ultimately bringsup those those um patterns in
us all over again.
You know, whether it's asignificant other, whether it's
(02:12):
a friendship, whether it's aboss or coworker career move,
whatever you know, there'salways something that's going to
kind of trigger another layerof that core wounding that has
us fearing the abandonment andrejection that we always
reverted to, people pleasing forprotection from right.
That is a given, and I thinkthat gets to be okay.
(02:33):
You know never I don't think itever completely goes away, but
I think that you know, as we getolder and as we get stronger
and as we get more centered inwho we are and knowing what it
is that we want and what ourNorth Star is, and making our
decisions in our life, I thinkthat those situations become
less and less right, and I thinkthat's really the goal.
(02:54):
But there is one thing to besaid If you resonate with being
a people pleaser, if you're likeme and a people pleaser in
recovery, there's reallysomething truly powerful and not
in a good way about peoplepleasing that you really need to
understand, and that is theimpact that people pleasing
(03:15):
behaviors have to influencenegatively, influence the
trajectory of your life.
And I mean this like I can't.
There are no words in theEnglish language that can really
express how much of aninfluence people-pleasing
(03:40):
behaviors actually have in yourlife's trajectory and the
ability and the power that theyhave to actually sabotage your
life.
And you know it's one of thesethings.
You know where.
You know like everything, likeyou know, things happen, life
happens.
You know we experienceheartbreak, we experience loss.
(04:02):
We experience grief.
You know, unexpected thingshappen all the time and they can
impact our life and, you know,change our trajectory in
positive ways, some negativeways, whatever.
Sometimes it's a negativeexperience with a positive
outcome, whatever.
You know, life happens, thingsshit hits the fan.
We move through it, but thepeople pleasing, the impacts of
(04:25):
people pleasing, can be muchmore powerful than some of these
big transformative moments inour lives, and it usually has
very negative impacts.
And it's the one thing that weactually have 100% control over
If we manage the emotion thatthat is feeding the behavior you
(04:46):
know and really learn to sitwith that and move through that
and move through the discomfortof doing.
What I always say is theunpleasing thing.
Right, we have to be willing todo the unpleasing thing if we
want to set ourselves free fromthose types of behaviors.
Now I really want to illustrate, like I really want to bring
(05:08):
home today with you guys, thepower that making decisions to
please others, the power that ithas to influence your life and
not in a good way right To thepoint where you end up waking up
on morning, like I did probablyabout 10 years ago, with this
(05:28):
intense aversion to my lifewhere I didn't know how the fuck
did I get here?
I didn't choose this.
This is not what I would havewanted.
This doesn't feel good.
These relationships don't feelaligned.
I don't feel like I'm living mypurpose.
I feel like I'm meant forsomething different.
I have no fucking clue whatthat is.
I can't see my, my, I can't seelike my.
(05:52):
I can't find the words.
You know what I'm trying to say.
I can't see the path ahead, Ican't see the forest or the
trees.
That's the expression that Iwas looking for.
But you know and I don't knowhow I got here Like it's like
one of those moments when youknow, when you're driving in the
car and you're very likeabsent-minded.
I know this is horrible to admit, but you know you're used to
(06:14):
driving on autopilot the sameroute home every day, right from
work, like if you've ever beena commuter right where you
travel, like at least I wouldsay at least 45 minutes to get
home to and from work every day.
And it has to be kind of aneveryday thing, right, because
you have to be really used tothe route.
The route you know.
You know where all the lightsare, you know where all the
traffic stops are.
(06:34):
You know where.
You know.
You know where the coffee, thecoffee drive-thrus are.
You know where.
We know where.
You know you can usually kindof get a break from the traffic.
You know where the trafficusually backs up.
Like you know this route likethe back of your hand, right,
because you drive it every day,twice a day.
And then you know, on the dayswhere you're really stressed or
you're really tired or you'rejust really burnt out, you kind
(06:57):
of get home and you're like howthe fuck did I actually get here
?
Because I don't rememberdriving through half of the
intersections I was supposed todrive through.
Did I actually make it throughor did I just fly through the
entire like 45 minutes?
You know it's like you blinkand suddenly you're home and
it's like you don't, you have noclue how you got there.
That's what this feels like,because it's literally you
(07:20):
responding without thinking,without checking in, without
asking yourself what do I wanthere, which way do I want to
turn, which way do I want to go?
You're just kind of going andcoasting on your.
You know people will sayautopilot.
This is an autopilot.
This is basically using peoplepleasing as your compass or your
(07:43):
decision maker.
You're driving force in yourlife to kind of navigate life
for you.
You're using your peoplepleasing to make life decisions
and it's literally takingcontrol of the wheel.
And so you're blindly goingthrough life letting people
pleasing like whether or notyou're pleasing or not make all
(08:07):
the decisions for you, until youget to one place one day and
you're like how the fuck did Iactually get here?
When did this actually happen?
Did I choose this?
Is this really what I wanted?
I don't think so, because lastI checked, my plan was to be way
over there.
You know, somehow I'm here now,but anyway.
So I really wanted to explorethis and I really wanted to
(08:29):
illustrate how powerful peoplepleasing really is, because
oftentimes it's thoseinsignificant decisions that we,
as people pleasers, make everyday and it's the one thing like,
if I can, oh my gosh, if I hada nickel every time I made one
(08:52):
of these decisions, I would bethe wealthiest fucking woman in
the world right now.
Because how many times have yousaid to yourself you know
somebody's asking you forsomething, or wants you to do
something, or wants you not todo something, whatever, whatever
the case may be, someone is,you know, asking you what to do
(09:13):
or not, and you could say yes,you want to say yes because you
wanted you, you were peoplepleaser, but you're also, you
know, you want to say no becauseyou kind of want to take your
power back and you're like, no,I just want to.
You know, I this doesn't feelright for me.
Me, this, this doesn't feellike the right path for me.
This feels like the right pathfor me and I don't want to do
that.
But what if I just do it andget it over with and then just
(09:35):
move on.
Right, it's so easy.
It's so easy just to do thatlittle thing right, make that
little, seemingly insignificantchoice to do the thing that's
going to please the other personand then move on with life and
go do something else.
You know, it seems so innocent,it seems so insignificant, it
seems to have no way.
(09:57):
It's like there's like it'slike the most minute,
insignificant detail of your day.
And if I just do this one thingfor this person that they want
me to do, or not do whatever, ifI just honor that, sweep it
under the rug like it neverhappened, then I can just move
on with my life and do thethings that feel aligned for me,
(10:18):
and then guess what happens.
And the next thing comes up andthe next person wants you to do
something, and again you havethis internal battle where
you're like, okay, you know Icould do that, but I really
don't wanna do that.
It doesn't feel like the rightthing for me, it doesn't feel
like the right decision for me.
I need to be doing this overhere, but I'm just gonna go do
it and get it over with and thencome back to what it was I was
doing, and then so you do that,and then you start going along
(10:40):
on your path and then the nextquestion comes, the next ask of
hey, I need you to do this, orcan you do that for me, or can
you not do that?
And suddenly, before you knowit, all these little
insignificant decisions areadding up and creating so much
momentum in your life in adirection that you don't want.
(11:03):
This is really really, reallyimportant, because I really
wanted to kind of, you know,illustrate the point here, but I
did a Google search and I can'tremember.
I can't, I haven't not.
I forgot to cite the website,but it was on a few different
sites, so I'll try and see if Ican post it in the show notes
below.
But basically the average humanbeing makes 35,000, below.
(11:26):
But basically the average humanbeing makes 35,000, 35,000, I
have it in my notes 35,000 smalldecisions each day, each day.
Can you imagine if even half ofthose were guided by somebody
other than ourselves?
And I'm talking like theinsignificant ones, like I'm
talking about the decisions ofwhere to eat for lunch, I'm
(11:48):
talking about the decisions ofwhat color to paint your nails,
what to wear to work one day,how to take your coffee order,
when to go for coffee, or youknow which train to take to work
in the morning, or whatever.
You know these are seeminglyinsignificant, minute details
that throughout the day, ifwe're not making them from the
(12:10):
right place, have the power tomake or generate powerful
momentum in our lives, whetherwe like it or not, or whether
it's in a direction that we likeor not.
So you know, we think thatthey're insignificant, but we're
not.
And we always, you know, wealways, I can remember always.
(12:32):
You know, in the beginning, as Iwas, you know, starting to
explore this work, you know Iused to always say to myself you
know well, when I have to makea big decision, I make it on my
own.
You know, I go, I walk away, Itake some time out, I reflect on
what it is that I want, I makea decision and then, once that
I've actually made a decisionand I actually feel confident
(12:52):
about the decision that I'vemade, then I will tell people
right, these are the big ones.
These are the big decisionslike getting married or getting
divorced, or buying a home, orbuying a car, or, you know,
career moves, things like that,things that that are, you know,
significant decisions thatimpact not only your life but
the life of other people aroundyou.
You know, these are the biglife markers, right where it
(13:15):
creates significant change inyour life.
Those are the decisions that Ialways said okay, you know what
those I am not going to people,please on, I'm going to make
them from a very centered place,knowing that you know I'm using
what I want from my life as myNorth Star, right.
So I had that in the bag and Iwas good with that and I think
you know, and you know, in thebeginning it made a lot of
(13:36):
people, I think, veryuncomfortable, but eventually
people got used to the idea thatyou know she makes her
decisions on her own.
And you know what?
Even that in itself took somuch practice.
But what?
Where I failed myself was in thelittle decisions that I was
making every single fucking day,you know, like the little
(13:57):
decisions of what to eat everyday, what to wear every day,
where to go shopping every day,what to when to bed, um, what
responsibilities to take on,what responsibilities to pass on
right.
All of these things where I wasjust doing the pleasing thing
(14:20):
to get it out of the way and andjust let go, like you know,
just bypass all that resistance,all that funkiness that was
coming up as these situationswere coming up, just sweeping it
under the rug and tellingmyself that I could get on with
my life as soon as I did thisone thing to please this person
and get them out of my hair, soI could go and focus on living
(14:41):
life the way I wanted to live it.
But what was happening was most90% of my decisions were being
made from a people pleasingperspective.
So what ended up happening isone decision after another,
after another after another,compounded, created so much
momentum into a direction that Ididn't want that it actually
(15:03):
created so many negative impactsin my life, and here's why all
these insignificant decisionscan have so much of a great
impact.
So I want you to think aboutthis.
I want you to think about everytime you make a decision to do
something that goes against whatyou want or what you know is
right for you.
That takes a huge energetictoll on you, because now you're
(15:30):
basically in resistance againstyourself.
You're basically getting inyour own way.
You're doing the thing that youdon't want.
That will burn you out fasterthan you can say burnout okay,
because you're literally.
It's like it's the.
It's the analogy of the salmonswimming upstream.
You know, salmon always streamupstream, swim upstream.
(15:52):
It's against the current, youknow.
But I mean, I guess they do it.
They seem to be really talentedat it.
I get tired swimming upstream.
I would rather just go with theflow.
I would rather just go with theflow, right.
But when you're doing the thingsthat don't feel natural to you,
that don't feel aligned for you, that don't feel right for you,
in order to please somebodyelse, you're actually going
(16:13):
against your own current.
You're going against your ownnatural instinct of where it is
that you want to go.
That takes a lot of energy.
One decision, not a big deal.
But if you're making 80% ofyour decision from a place of
people pleasing, guess what'shappening to your energy?
It is getting wiped out so fast.
It'll make your head spin andyou'll get to a place where you
(16:39):
don't even know how you gotthere and you can't remember
ever choosing it.
But somehow you made it happen.
You know, and it's from, it'sthrough all these little
insignificant things that thatyou say yes to or no to,
opposite to what you wouldnormally do.
You know, saying yes to thethings that you really want to
say no to, and say no to thethings that you really
(17:02):
wholeheartedly are dying to sayyes to, but saying yes to them
would piss somebody else off,right?
So these are the things youneed to think about.
The other thing is usually andI truly believe this okay.
I truly believe that when weare being guided or pulled to do
something, it's because there'san opportunity waiting for us
(17:23):
on the other side of that, right?
You know, when I took my trip toAsia, which was like that was
probably the precipice of my,you know, people pleasing
pattern breaker, because itpissed off so many people in my
life, right?
And I couldn't explain why Iwas going there.
(17:43):
I just knew that I needed to gothere and I needed to go there
for an extended period of time.
And, yeah, you know, we did the, I did the meditation retreats
and I knew that was going to beimportant for me.
But deep down, I knew there wassomething bigger for me to
experience while I was there andI think, I think it was just
this breaking of the pattern.
That was really it for me.
Um, you know, by making thatdecision to go ahead and take
(18:05):
that trip and be gone for thosemonths, knowing full well that
you know a lot of people weregoing to be unhappy about it,
you know that was a monstrousstep for me, um, at the time.
So I think you know there wereso many opportunities that came
out of that trip.
But I think the biggestopportunity I think for me was
(18:25):
in just being able to break thatpattern and teach about it
right, because that was huge andthat really is.
You know a lot of what I teachand a lot of what I do in my
self-love practices and you knowmy theories and my beliefs on
people-pleasing and boundariesall kind of began in that six
(18:49):
month experience.
So it opened up, energeticallyand spiritually, so many doors
for me, right, but I couldn'texplain that before I went.
I just knew I needed to goright and I knew that I needed
to trust that and I knew thatthere was some important reason
(19:09):
I needed to be there, eventhough I couldn't explain it and
I couldn't articulate it.
And I think that that's what weneed to remember is that when
we are being guided or when wefeel we need to do something,
there's something that we wantto do or something that we feel
we shouldn't do very stronglyone way or the other.
We need to honor that becauseit leads to something, it leads
(19:31):
to the next thing, it leads tothe next opportunity, the next
milestone, the next clue alongyour path.
You know, and if we are doingwhat other people want us to do
and not what we're being guidedto do, we miss out on a lot of
those opportunities.
Like, can you imagine, had Inot gone on my trip to Asia, my
life would have been drasticallydifferent if I had not gone,
(19:55):
you know, for better or forworse.
Like, I don't think I would goback to the life I had before
Asia, although it was successfulon paper.
I wasn't happy, you know I wascompletely unfulfilled on paper.
I wasn't happy.
You know I was completelyunfulfilled, you know, and I
don't think I had any idea who Iwas at the time, to be honest,
you know.
So we miss out on those things,we miss out on those
(20:16):
opportunities by not followingwhere we're being guided, where
our internal GPS is guiding usto go because there's something
important for us to find there.
Instead, internal GPS isguiding us to go because there's
something important for us tofind there.
Instead, we're on this likemaze to nowhere, following
everybody else's direction rightand missing out on all the
(20:38):
opportunities that could unfoldfor us if we were just listen to
ourselves.
Right?
Because I do believe that we'realways being guided, we're
always being led and it'strusting ourselves that is going
to help us find our path to getto where we're going.
And this is where you know, somany times like women will come
to me with.
You know, I got into thisrelationship and everything was
going great in my life, and nowI feel like you know, ever since
I've been in this relationship,my life has just crumbled and
(21:00):
it's like well, because you knowyou took the focus from what
you needed to do and what youneeded to create for yourself.
And you made the relationship,the focus right.
And that's one of the I thinkthe most, the most potent, toxic
patterns that I've run intoagain and again is is women, you
know, who are making therelationship their focus in
their life.
And I I know we're all many ofus are brought up to do that and
(21:23):
even though a lot of us willsay we don't do that, like well,
we'll say no, no, I'm confident, I live my own life, I do my
own thing and blah, blah, blah,blah.
But the reality is, the minutewe get into a relationship,
suddenly we drop our boundaries,we relax, you know.
And next thing, you know we aremaking decisions based on.
You know what it is that ourpartner needs, or you know what
(21:49):
would make their life easier orsupport them, or you know
compromise here, let this go,make an adjustment there, and
before you know it, we don'trecognize our life anymore.
You know and that's not to saythat relationships don't come
with compromise.
Of course they do.
Of course they do.
That is one of the foundationalrequirements of a relationship
is that you know both partiesare able to make some compromise
, but you should nevercompletely sacrifice yourself
(22:12):
for the sake of a relationship.
Okay, and then you know, thethird thing in all of this is
the ripple effect, right, of allthese insignificant little
minute changes or adjustmentsthat we're making that lead to
long-term consequences.
(22:33):
Right, like anytime, like youknow, I know you guys probably
don't watch Fast and the Furious, but I am a huge fan of Fast
and the Furious, right, and Ican't remember which one it was.
It was the one that when theywere in Russia and there was the
submarine under the water thatthey were trying to chase over
the ice, anyway, there's thislike heat, it was at the.
(22:57):
There was a, there was atorpedo chasing them as they
were in their cars, like racingover the ice trying to catch the
submarine.
Okay, and all I can remember isthis torpedo was like rolling
up to the side of the car and,you know, buddy opens the car
door, just slightly, kicks thetorpedo, and just that slight
(23:17):
change in the angle that thetorpedo was going put it on a
trajectory way out in left fieldother than you know, outside,
as opposed to where it wasinitially headed, right, just in
that one little nudge right,because the faster you're going,
the more momentum you have, themore it impacts a directional
change.
Right?
That's what all these little,little, tiny, insignificant
(23:40):
details are doing, one littledecision at a time is they're
actually nudging you on adifferent path that you weren't
meant to go down, right?
Right, because now you'remaking one choice at a time.
You know you're going to thisbakery instead of that coffee
shop because somebody wants youto get this latte for them, and
so you go there, and then you,you meet somebody, and then you
(24:02):
create a friendship, and thatyou know, maybe that friendship
wasn't aligned for you.
You're supposed to meetsomebody else, but now you're
talking to this person and nextthing, you know, you know you're
you've made a habit of going tothis cafe and you missed out an
opportunity to talk to somebodyover there.
Or you know, like maybe it justkind of, maybe you didn't meet
anybody and it just sank, tankedyour energy being there because
(24:23):
it wasn't a place that youreally enjoyed being, or
whatever.
The point is is that with eachof these little, insignificant
decisions, one decision at atime slowly nudges the direction
of your life and it has aripple effect of change Some not
so much, others way more thanothers.
(24:46):
It really all depends on thecircumstance, you know, but you
never want to.
And it's not to say that I I'mnot trying to scare you guys
into you know, oh my God, Ican't make the right, I can't
make any decisions becausethere's going to be consequences
.
And now, now you're in likeanalysis, paralysis.
That's not what.
That's not what I want for youguys.
Okay, what I am saying is makesure as much as possible that
(25:08):
your decisions feel right foryou and I want you to feel them
in your body.
Forget feel right for you and Iwant you to feel them in your
body.
Forget thinking your mind hasalready been programmed with
everyone else's opinion so youcan forget it.
Okay, stop trying to like yeah,the bigger decisions, I would
think about them logically.
You know where to buy a home,or how much to spend on a home,
(25:30):
or how to finance an automobile,or you know the big things.
Those are the things I wouldput some thought into.
But, first and foremost, howdoes that decision feel in your
body?
If it feels right, if it feelsfreeing, if it feels liberating,
if it feels uplifting, if itfeels exciting, if it feels
(25:51):
easeful, even though it might bescary mentally, but it feels
easeful in your body might bescary mentally, but it feels
easeful in your body.
That's the direction you shouldbe going and that's the
decision you should be making.
And if it doesn't, then youhave to ask yourself am I
willing to do the unpleasingthing here, or is this too scary
for me?
If it's too scary, then youknow what.
Do your best, right, because thepattern of people pleasing can
(26:15):
only be broken slowly over time.
It is a process.
It's not something that's goingto you're going to break
overnight.
You know every decision needsto be looked at from this lens
of am I pleasing myself or am Ipleasing someone else?
Right now, right.
And the decisions that pleaseyourself will feel easeful.
They will feel supported, theywill feel in flow, they will
(26:37):
feel light, they will feelenergizing.
Right.
And you're not going to feelthat heavy resistance that you
feel when you're doing somethingthat goes against your nature.
And you'll feel it right away.
And if you can tune into yourbody every time somebody asks
you to do something, you'll feelit.
You'll know it right away.
And as you start, tune intoyour body every time somebody
asks you to do something, you'llfeel it.
You'll know it right away.
(26:58):
And as you start to ask yourbody okay, how does my body feel
being asked this question?
What do I feel in my bodyphysically?
Is the right thing to say yesor no, you know?
And if you need to take a timeout to answer those questions,
take a time out.
Just say you know what.
Let me get back to you withthat.
You know people don't like that.
It's either whatever, you knowwhat.
(27:18):
Again, you have to be willingto do the unpleasing thing.
End of story, right?
No matter how fuckinguncomfortable it feels and
there's a difference betweenuncomfortable in your mind and
uncomfortable or like in anxiety, where it creates anxiety even
for you, versus uncomfortable inyour mind and uncomfortable or
like in anxiety, where itcreates anxiety even for you,
versus uncomfortable in yourbody.
(27:38):
The right decision will oftenfeel easeful in your body, but
will create doubts in your mindor create anxiety in your chest.
Remember that, because peoplealways say no, no, it doesn't
feel like the right decision,because I'm so anxious.
But that could be that it isthe right decision, but the
anxiety comes from knowing thatyou're going to be unpleasing
(27:59):
people along the way.
Okay, so I really want you tothink about this and I really
want you to remember.
Every decision is important.
Okay, we're not going to get itperfect every time.
We are going to fumble again.
I still fumble, I still wake updays and I'm like how the fuck
did I get here?
You know, because of onedecision after another leading
(28:21):
me down a trajectory that Imight not have otherwise chosen
for myself.
You know, and it's very, veryit's very easy to do when you're
not paying attention to yourdecisions as you make them.
So I know we pay attention tothe big decisions.
My ask of you with this episodeis to pay attention to the small
decisions, see what feels goodin your body and see if you
(28:45):
can't make more decisions inalignment with what feels good
in your body, even though it maycreate some resistance in your
mind or some anxiety in yourchest.
Okay, that is my ask of you.
Let me know how this episoderesonated.
I love to hear from you guysand if this episode was, if you
enjoyed it.
Please leave a positive ratingor review on Apple Podcasts or
(29:07):
Spotify or wherever you'reseeing this.
Until next time, you guys.
Massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome if you're new.
Sorry, I know it's been aminute, but it's been a crazy
few weeks.
But that's not to say that Ihave not been giving some
serious thought as to where Iwant to go next with the show,
and I have some notes on somesituations that have come up
(00:20):
over the last couple of weeks,significantly, or one really
significant one with a friend ofmine that she's been going
through, and she's in asituation that I can very, very,
very, very much relate tobecause I've been there a
kajillion times, most notably 10years ago-ish.
(00:41):
10 years ago ish, shortly aftermy divorce, when I came back
from my first trip to Bali.
And I can, I, I honestly, youknow, it's one of these things
that you will often experiencewhen you are a people pleaser,
and I am a self proclaimedpeople pleaser.
(01:02):
I am a recovering peoplepleaser.
I'm not going to say that I'mfully recovered, because it
still takes dedication on mypart to check in, to see where
I'm at, to see if I'm aligned,to see if I've been making
decisions from a heart-centeredplace, to see if I've been
putting my boundaries in placeto see if I've been upholding
them.
You know it is a daily practiceand check-in Not daily, but
(01:29):
it's something that I have tocheck in with often to make sure
that I am aligned.
You know, because my secondnature is really to people
please and I have to rememberthat and I have to really be
mindful of that.
And I don't know that, you know, if you're somebody who
resonates with being a peoplepleaser, I don't know that we
ever get to a point where itnever happens ever again.
I think sometimes, you know weget better at it, we get
(01:51):
stronger at it, we get moreconfident about it.
But you know, there's alwayssituations where I feel like it
kind of brings out that innerchild that's looking for
approval or who's trying toavoid being abandoned or
rejected, that ultimately bringsup those those um patterns in
us all over again.
You know, whether it's asignificant other, whether it's
(02:12):
a friendship, whether it's aboss or coworker career move,
whatever you know, there'salways something that's going to
kind of trigger another layerof that core wounding that has
us fearing the abandonment andrejection that we always
reverted to, people pleasing forprotection from right.
That is a given, and I thinkthat gets to be okay.
(02:33):
You know never I don't think itever completely goes away, but
I think that you know, as we getolder and as we get stronger
and as we get more centered inwho we are and knowing what it
is that we want and what ourNorth Star is, and making our
decisions in our life, I thinkthat those situations become
less and less right, and I thinkthat's really the goal.
(02:54):
But there is one thing to besaid If you resonate with being
a people pleaser, if you're likeme and a people pleaser in
recovery, there's reallysomething truly powerful and not
in a good way about peoplepleasing that you really need to
understand, and that is theimpact that people pleasing
(03:15):
behaviors have to influencenegatively, influence the
trajectory of your life.
And I mean this like I can't.
There are no words in theEnglish language that can really
express how much of aninfluence people-pleasing
(03:40):
behaviors actually have in yourlife's trajectory and the
ability and the power that theyhave to actually sabotage your
life.
And you know it's one of thesethings.
You know where.
You know like everything, likeyou know, things happen, life
happens.
You know we experienceheartbreak, we experience loss.
(04:02):
We experience grief.
You know, unexpected thingshappen all the time and they can
impact our life and, you know,change our trajectory in
positive ways, some negativeways, whatever.
Sometimes it's a negativeexperience with a positive
outcome, whatever.
You know, life happens, thingsshit hits the fan.
We move through it, but thepeople pleasing, the impacts of
(04:25):
people pleasing, can be muchmore powerful than some of these
big transformative moments inour lives, and it usually has
very negative impacts.
And it's the one thing that weactually have 100% control over
If we manage the emotion thatthat is feeding the behavior you
(04:46):
know and really learn to sitwith that and move through that
and move through the discomfortof doing.
What I always say is theunpleasing thing.
Right, we have to be willing todo the unpleasing thing if we
want to set ourselves free fromthose types of behaviors.
Now I really want to illustrate, like I really want to bring
(05:08):
home today with you guys, thepower that making decisions to
please others, the power that ithas to influence your life and
not in a good way right To thepoint where you end up waking up
on morning, like I did probablyabout 10 years ago, with this
(05:28):
intense aversion to my lifewhere I didn't know how the fuck
did I get here?
I didn't choose this.
This is not what I would havewanted.
This doesn't feel good.
These relationships don't feelaligned.
I don't feel like I'm living mypurpose.
I feel like I'm meant forsomething different.
I have no fucking clue whatthat is.
I can't see my, my, I can't seelike my.
(05:52):
I can't find the words.
You know what I'm trying to say.
I can't see the path ahead, Ican't see the forest or the
trees.
That's the expression that Iwas looking for.
But you know and I don't knowhow I got here Like it's like
one of those moments when youknow, when you're driving in the
car and you're very likeabsent-minded.
I know this is horrible to admit, but you know you're used to
(06:14):
driving on autopilot the sameroute home every day, right from
work, like if you've ever beena commuter right where you
travel, like at least I wouldsay at least 45 minutes to get
home to and from work every day.
And it has to be kind of aneveryday thing, right, because
you have to be really used tothe route.
The route you know.
You know where all the lightsare, you know where all the
traffic stops are.
(06:34):
You know where.
You know.
You know where the coffee, thecoffee drive-thrus are.
You know where.
We know where.
You know you can usually kindof get a break from the traffic.
You know where the trafficusually backs up.
Like you know this route likethe back of your hand, right,
because you drive it every day,twice a day.
And then you know, on the dayswhere you're really stressed or
you're really tired or you'rejust really burnt out, you kind
(06:57):
of get home and you're like howthe fuck did I actually get here
?
Because I don't rememberdriving through half of the
intersections I was supposed todrive through.
Did I actually make it throughor did I just fly through the
entire like 45 minutes?
You know it's like you blinkand suddenly you're home and
it's like you don't, you have noclue how you got there.
That's what this feels like,because it's literally you
(07:20):
responding without thinking,without checking in, without
asking yourself what do I wanthere, which way do I want to
turn, which way do I want to go?
You're just kind of going andcoasting on your.
You know people will sayautopilot.
This is an autopilot.
This is basically using peoplepleasing as your compass or your
(07:43):
decision maker.
You're driving force in yourlife to kind of navigate life
for you.
You're using your peoplepleasing to make life decisions
and it's literally takingcontrol of the wheel.
And so you're blindly goingthrough life letting people
pleasing like whether or notyou're pleasing or not make all
(08:07):
the decisions for you, until youget to one place one day and
you're like how the fuck did Iactually get here?
When did this actually happen?
Did I choose this?
Is this really what I wanted?
I don't think so, because lastI checked, my plan was to be way
over there.
You know, somehow I'm here now,but anyway.
So I really wanted to explorethis and I really wanted to
(08:29):
illustrate how powerful peoplepleasing really is, because
oftentimes it's thoseinsignificant decisions that we,
as people pleasers, make everyday and it's the one thing like,
if I can, oh my gosh, if I hada nickel every time I made one
(08:52):
of these decisions, I would bethe wealthiest fucking woman in
the world right now.
Because how many times have yousaid to yourself you know
somebody's asking you forsomething, or wants you to do
something, or wants you not todo something, whatever, whatever
the case may be, someone is,you know, asking you what to do
(09:13):
or not, and you could say yes,you want to say yes because you
wanted you, you were peoplepleaser, but you're also, you
know, you want to say no becauseyou kind of want to take your
power back and you're like, no,I just want to.
You know, I this doesn't feelright for me.
Me, this, this doesn't feellike the right path for me.
This feels like the right pathfor me and I don't want to do
that.
But what if I just do it andget it over with and then just
(09:35):
move on.
Right, it's so easy.
It's so easy just to do thatlittle thing right, make that
little, seemingly insignificantchoice to do the thing that's
going to please the other personand then move on with life and
go do something else.
You know, it seems so innocent,it seems so insignificant, it
seems to have no way.
(09:57):
It's like there's like it'slike the most minute,
insignificant detail of your day.
And if I just do this one thingfor this person that they want
me to do, or not do whatever, ifI just honor that, sweep it
under the rug like it neverhappened, then I can just move
on with my life and do thethings that feel aligned for me,
(10:18):
and then guess what happens.
And the next thing comes up andthe next person wants you to do
something, and again you havethis internal battle where
you're like, okay, you know Icould do that, but I really
don't wanna do that.
It doesn't feel like the rightthing for me, it doesn't feel
like the right decision for me.
I need to be doing this overhere, but I'm just gonna go do
it and get it over with and thencome back to what it was I was
doing, and then so you do that,and then you start going along
(10:40):
on your path and then the nextquestion comes, the next ask of
hey, I need you to do this, orcan you do that for me, or can
you not do that?
And suddenly, before you knowit, all these little
insignificant decisions areadding up and creating so much
momentum in your life in adirection that you don't want.
(11:03):
This is really really, reallyimportant, because I really
wanted to kind of, you know,illustrate the point here, but I
did a Google search and I can'tremember.
I can't, I haven't not.
I forgot to cite the website,but it was on a few different
sites, so I'll try and see if Ican post it in the show notes
below.
But basically the average humanbeing makes 35,000, below.
(11:26):
But basically the average humanbeing makes 35,000, 35,000, I
have it in my notes 35,000 smalldecisions each day, each day.
Can you imagine if even half ofthose were guided by somebody
other than ourselves?
And I'm talking like theinsignificant ones, like I'm
talking about the decisions ofwhere to eat for lunch, I'm
(11:48):
talking about the decisions ofwhat color to paint your nails,
what to wear to work one day,how to take your coffee order,
when to go for coffee, or youknow which train to take to work
in the morning, or whatever.
You know these are seeminglyinsignificant, minute details
that throughout the day, ifwe're not making them from the
(12:10):
right place, have the power tomake or generate powerful
momentum in our lives, whetherwe like it or not, or whether
it's in a direction that we likeor not.
So you know, we think thatthey're insignificant, but we're
not.
And we always, you know, wealways, I can remember always.
(12:32):
You know, in the beginning, as Iwas, you know, starting to
explore this work, you know Iused to always say to myself you
know well, when I have to makea big decision, I make it on my
own.
You know, I go, I walk away, Itake some time out, I reflect on
what it is that I want, I makea decision and then, once that
I've actually made a decisionand I actually feel confident
(12:52):
about the decision that I'vemade, then I will tell people
right, these are the big ones.
These are the big decisionslike getting married or getting
divorced, or buying a home, orbuying a car, or, you know,
career moves, things like that,things that that are, you know,
significant decisions thatimpact not only your life but
the life of other people aroundyou.
You know, these are the biglife markers, right where it
(13:15):
creates significant change inyour life.
Those are the decisions that Ialways said okay, you know what
those I am not going to people,please on, I'm going to make
them from a very centered place,knowing that you know I'm using
what I want from my life as myNorth Star, right.
So I had that in the bag and Iwas good with that and I think
you know, and you know, in thebeginning it made a lot of
(13:36):
people, I think, veryuncomfortable, but eventually
people got used to the idea thatyou know she makes her
decisions on her own.
And you know what?
Even that in itself took somuch practice.
But what?
Where I failed myself was in thelittle decisions that I was
making every single fucking day,you know, like the little
(13:57):
decisions of what to eat everyday, what to wear every day,
where to go shopping every day,what to when to bed, um, what
responsibilities to take on,what responsibilities to pass on
right.
All of these things where I wasjust doing the pleasing thing
(14:20):
to get it out of the way and andjust let go, like you know,
just bypass all that resistance,all that funkiness that was
coming up as these situationswere coming up, just sweeping it
under the rug and tellingmyself that I could get on with
my life as soon as I did thisone thing to please this person
and get them out of my hair, soI could go and focus on living
(14:41):
life the way I wanted to live it.
But what was happening was most90% of my decisions were being
made from a people pleasingperspective.
So what ended up happening isone decision after another,
after another after another,compounded, created so much
momentum into a direction that Ididn't want that it actually
(15:03):
created so many negative impactsin my life, and here's why all
these insignificant decisionscan have so much of a great
impact.
So I want you to think aboutthis.
I want you to think about everytime you make a decision to do
something that goes against whatyou want or what you know is
right for you.
That takes a huge energetictoll on you, because now you're
(15:30):
basically in resistance againstyourself.
You're basically getting inyour own way.
You're doing the thing that youdon't want.
That will burn you out fasterthan you can say burnout okay,
because you're literally.
It's like it's the.
It's the analogy of the salmonswimming upstream.
You know, salmon always streamupstream, swim upstream.
(15:52):
It's against the current, youknow.
But I mean, I guess they do it.
They seem to be really talentedat it.
I get tired swimming upstream.
I would rather just go with theflow.
I would rather just go with theflow, right.
But when you're doing the thingsthat don't feel natural to you,
that don't feel aligned for you, that don't feel right for you,
in order to please somebodyelse, you're actually going
(16:13):
against your own current.
You're going against your ownnatural instinct of where it is
that you want to go.
That takes a lot of energy.
One decision, not a big deal.
But if you're making 80% ofyour decision from a place of
people pleasing, guess what'shappening to your energy?
It is getting wiped out so fast.
It'll make your head spin andyou'll get to a place where you
(16:39):
don't even know how you gotthere and you can't remember
ever choosing it.
But somehow you made it happen.
You know, and it's from, it'sthrough all these little
insignificant things that thatyou say yes to or no to,
opposite to what you wouldnormally do.
You know, saying yes to thethings that you really want to
say no to, and say no to thethings that you really
(17:02):
wholeheartedly are dying to sayyes to, but saying yes to them
would piss somebody else off,right?
So these are the things youneed to think about.
The other thing is usually andI truly believe this okay.
I truly believe that when weare being guided or pulled to do
something, it's because there'san opportunity waiting for us
(17:23):
on the other side of that, right?
You know, when I took my trip toAsia, which was like that was
probably the precipice of my,you know, people pleasing
pattern breaker, because itpissed off so many people in my
life, right?
And I couldn't explain why Iwas going there.
(17:43):
I just knew that I needed to gothere and I needed to go there
for an extended period of time.
And, yeah, you know, we did the, I did the meditation retreats
and I knew that was going to beimportant for me.
But deep down, I knew there wassomething bigger for me to
experience while I was there andI think, I think it was just
this breaking of the pattern.
That was really it for me.
Um, you know, by making thatdecision to go ahead and take
(18:05):
that trip and be gone for thosemonths, knowing full well that
you know a lot of people weregoing to be unhappy about it,
you know that was a monstrousstep for me, um, at the time.
So I think you know there wereso many opportunities that came
out of that trip.
But I think the biggestopportunity I think for me was
(18:25):
in just being able to break thatpattern and teach about it
right, because that was huge andthat really is.
You know a lot of what I teachand a lot of what I do in my
self-love practices and you knowmy theories and my beliefs on
people-pleasing and boundariesall kind of began in that six
(18:49):
month experience.
So it opened up, energeticallyand spiritually, so many doors
for me, right, but I couldn'texplain that before I went.
I just knew I needed to goright and I knew that I needed
to trust that and I knew thatthere was some important reason
(19:09):
I needed to be there, eventhough I couldn't explain it and
I couldn't articulate it.
And I think that that's what weneed to remember is that when
we are being guided or when wefeel we need to do something,
there's something that we wantto do or something that we feel
we shouldn't do very stronglyone way or the other.
We need to honor that becauseit leads to something, it leads
(19:31):
to the next thing, it leads tothe next opportunity, the next
milestone, the next clue alongyour path.
You know, and if we are doingwhat other people want us to do
and not what we're being guidedto do, we miss out on a lot of
those opportunities.
Like, can you imagine, had Inot gone on my trip to Asia, my
life would have been drasticallydifferent if I had not gone,
(19:55):
you know, for better or forworse.
Like, I don't think I would goback to the life I had before
Asia, although it was successfulon paper.
I wasn't happy, you know I wascompletely unfulfilled on paper.
I wasn't happy.
You know I was completelyunfulfilled, you know, and I
don't think I had any idea who Iwas at the time, to be honest,
you know.
So we miss out on those things,we miss out on those
(20:16):
opportunities by not followingwhere we're being guided, where
our internal GPS is guiding usto go because there's something
important for us to find there.
Instead, internal GPS isguiding us to go because there's
something important for us tofind there.
Instead, we're on this likemaze to nowhere, following
everybody else's direction rightand missing out on all the
(20:38):
opportunities that could unfoldfor us if we were just listen to
ourselves.
Right?
Because I do believe that we'realways being guided, we're
always being led and it'strusting ourselves that is going
to help us find our path to getto where we're going.
And this is where you know, somany times like women will come
to me with.
You know, I got into thisrelationship and everything was
going great in my life, and nowI feel like you know, ever since
I've been in this relationship,my life has just crumbled and
(21:00):
it's like well, because you knowyou took the focus from what
you needed to do and what youneeded to create for yourself.
And you made the relationship,the focus right.
And that's one of the I thinkthe most, the most potent, toxic
patterns that I've run intoagain and again is is women, you
know, who are making therelationship their focus in
their life.
And I I know we're all many ofus are brought up to do that and
(21:23):
even though a lot of us willsay we don't do that, like well,
we'll say no, no, I'm confident, I live my own life, I do my
own thing and blah, blah, blah,blah.
But the reality is, the minutewe get into a relationship,
suddenly we drop our boundaries,we relax, you know.
And next thing, you know we aremaking decisions based on.
You know what it is that ourpartner needs, or you know what
(21:49):
would make their life easier orsupport them, or you know
compromise here, let this go,make an adjustment there, and
before you know it, we don'trecognize our life anymore.
You know and that's not to saythat relationships don't come
with compromise.
Of course they do.
Of course they do.
That is one of the foundationalrequirements of a relationship
is that you know both partiesare able to make some compromise
, but you should nevercompletely sacrifice yourself
(22:12):
for the sake of a relationship.
Okay, and then you know, thethird thing in all of this is
the ripple effect, right, of allthese insignificant little
minute changes or adjustmentsthat we're making that lead to
long-term consequences.
(22:33):
Right, like anytime, like youknow, I know you guys probably
don't watch Fast and the Furious, but I am a huge fan of Fast
and the Furious, right, and Ican't remember which one it was.
It was the one that when theywere in Russia and there was the
submarine under the water thatthey were trying to chase over
the ice, anyway, there's thislike heat, it was at the.
(22:57):
There was a, there was atorpedo chasing them as they
were in their cars, like racingover the ice trying to catch the
submarine.
Okay, and all I can remember isthis torpedo was like rolling
up to the side of the car and,you know, buddy opens the car
door, just slightly, kicks thetorpedo, and just that slight
(23:17):
change in the angle that thetorpedo was going put it on a
trajectory way out in left fieldother than you know, outside,
as opposed to where it wasinitially headed, right, just in
that one little nudge right,because the faster you're going,
the more momentum you have, themore it impacts a directional
change.
Right?
That's what all these little,little, tiny, insignificant
(23:40):
details are doing, one littledecision at a time is they're
actually nudging you on adifferent path that you weren't
meant to go down, right?
Right, because now you'remaking one choice at a time.
You know you're going to thisbakery instead of that coffee
shop because somebody wants youto get this latte for them, and
so you go there, and then you,you meet somebody, and then you
(24:02):
create a friendship, and thatyou know, maybe that friendship
wasn't aligned for you.
You're supposed to meetsomebody else, but now you're
talking to this person and nextthing, you know, you know you're
you've made a habit of going tothis cafe and you missed out an
opportunity to talk to somebodyover there.
Or you know, like maybe it justkind of, maybe you didn't meet
anybody and it just sank, tankedyour energy being there because
(24:23):
it wasn't a place that youreally enjoyed being, or
whatever.
The point is is that with eachof these little, insignificant
decisions, one decision at atime slowly nudges the direction
of your life and it has aripple effect of change Some not
so much, others way more thanothers.
(24:46):
It really all depends on thecircumstance, you know, but you
never want to.
And it's not to say that I I'mnot trying to scare you guys
into you know, oh my God, Ican't make the right, I can't
make any decisions becausethere's going to be consequences
.
And now, now you're in likeanalysis, paralysis.
That's not what.
That's not what I want for youguys.
Okay, what I am saying is makesure as much as possible that
(25:08):
your decisions feel right foryou and I want you to feel them
in your body.
Forget feel right for you and Iwant you to feel them in your
body.
Forget thinking your mind hasalready been programmed with
everyone else's opinion so youcan forget it.
Okay, stop trying to like yeah,the bigger decisions, I would
think about them logically.
You know where to buy a home,or how much to spend on a home,
(25:30):
or how to finance an automobile,or you know the big things.
Those are the things I wouldput some thought into.
But, first and foremost, howdoes that decision feel in your
body?
If it feels right, if it feelsfreeing, if it feels liberating,
if it feels uplifting, if itfeels exciting, if it feels
(25:51):
easeful, even though it might bescary mentally, but it feels
easeful in your body might bescary mentally, but it feels
easeful in your body.
That's the direction you shouldbe going and that's the
decision you should be making.
And if it doesn't, then youhave to ask yourself am I
willing to do the unpleasingthing here, or is this too scary
for me?
If it's too scary, then youknow what.
Do your best, right, because thepattern of people pleasing can
(26:15):
only be broken slowly over time.
It is a process.
It's not something that's goingto you're going to break
overnight.
You know every decision needsto be looked at from this lens
of am I pleasing myself or am Ipleasing someone else?
Right now, right.
And the decisions that pleaseyourself will feel easeful.
They will feel supported, theywill feel in flow, they will
(26:37):
feel light, they will feelenergizing.
Right.
And you're not going to feelthat heavy resistance that you
feel when you're doing somethingthat goes against your nature.
And you'll feel it right away.
And if you can tune into yourbody every time somebody asks
you to do something, you'll feelit.
You'll know it right away.
And as you start, tune intoyour body every time somebody
asks you to do something, you'llfeel it.
You'll know it right away.
(26:58):
And as you start to ask yourbody okay, how does my body feel
being asked this question?
What do I feel in my bodyphysically?
Is the right thing to say yesor no, you know?
And if you need to take a timeout to answer those questions,
take a time out.
Just say you know what.
Let me get back to you withthat.
You know people don't like that.
It's either whatever, you knowwhat.
(27:18):
Again, you have to be willingto do the unpleasing thing.
End of story, right?
No matter how fuckinguncomfortable it feels and
there's a difference betweenuncomfortable in your mind and
uncomfortable or like in anxiety, where it creates anxiety even
for you, versus uncomfortable inyour mind and uncomfortable or
like in anxiety, where itcreates anxiety even for you,
versus uncomfortable in yourbody.
(27:38):
The right decision will oftenfeel easeful in your body, but
will create doubts in your mindor create anxiety in your chest.
Remember that, because peoplealways say no, no, it doesn't
feel like the right decision,because I'm so anxious.
But that could be that it isthe right decision, but the
anxiety comes from knowing thatyou're going to be unpleasing
(27:59):
people along the way.
Okay, so I really want you tothink about this and I really
want you to remember.
Every decision is important.
Okay, we're not going to get itperfect every time.
We are going to fumble again.
I still fumble, I still wake updays and I'm like how the fuck
did I get here?
You know, because of onedecision after another leading
(28:21):
me down a trajectory that Imight not have otherwise chosen
for myself.
You know, and it's very, veryit's very easy to do when you're
not paying attention to yourdecisions as you make them.
So I know we pay attention tothe big decisions.
My ask of you with this episodeis to pay attention to the small
decisions, see what feels goodin your body and see if you
(28:45):
can't make more decisions inalignment with what feels good
in your body, even though it maycreate some resistance in your
mind or some anxiety in yourchest.
Okay, that is my ask of you.
Let me know how this episoderesonated.
I love to hear from you guysand if this episode was, if you
enjoyed it.
Please leave a positive ratingor review on Apple Podcasts or
(29:07):
Spotify or wherever you'reseeing this.
Until next time, you guys.
Massive love.
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