August 21, 2025 • 32 mins
We’ve all heard the phrase “hurt people hurt people.” It’s meant to encourage understanding — and yes, there’s truth in it. But for empathic, codependent, or anxiously attached women, this well-meaning advice can quietly become a trap that keeps you tolerating what you should be walking away from.
Yes, you can see the wounded child inside someone and understand where their pain comes from. Yes, you can choose compassion over bitterness. But compassion is not the same as permission. Understanding someone’s trauma doesn’t mean you have to let their brokenness break you.
In this episode of The Femme Cast, I’m breaking down:
🎤 How “don’t take it personally” can actually feed self-abandonment patterns
🎤 Why over-compassion can keep you stuck in toxic dynamics
🎤 The truth about emotional intelligence (it’s not about never getting triggered)
🎤 How to protect your peace while still holding empathy
🎤 My personal story of confusing compassion with self-sacrifice
🎤 The magnetic power of taking a strong stand for what you don’t want
If you’ve been asking yourself, “Why do I keep abandoning myself in relationships?” or “How do I choose myself, break the cycle, and become magnetic to aligned love, purpose, and expansion?” — this conversation will shift how you see compassion forever.
Because the most loving thing you can sometimes say is “I want you to eat… but you don’t get a seat at my table.”
Are you healing from cheating? Betrayal? A heartbreak that not only broke your heart but broke your life?
If so, join me for She Rises: A FREE & LIVE 90-minute healing and activation experience for the woman ready to alchemize the pain of lies, betrayal, and being cheated on into unapologetic power, radiant confidence, and the woman she was always meant to be.
Betrayal doesn’t get the final word — you do.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome, if you guys are new.
Today we're going to have alittle bit of a more serious
conversation, also sparked bycomments on Instagram on someone
else's post, who I have a lotof respect for again, but said
something that I did not agreewith and I shared my well, I did
(00:22):
agree with to a degree and thenI also kind of gave my two
cents on it and it sparked somuch conversation in the
comments.
So I know it's something thatpeople need to hear and that is
this whole idea of how hurtpeople hurt people and why
compassion does not meantolerating bad behavior, and I
want to make that explicitlyclear.
(00:42):
Like and this is why I became atrauma coach, because I do a
trauma informed coach, because Ido hear a lot of these
different ideas and expectationskind of thrown around a lot in
the spiritual community and Idon't always think that they're
healthy this, all this wholeidea of her people, her people,
and peace, love and light andunconditional love, and blah,
(01:03):
blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, all great, but you haveto be, you know, you have to be.
What's it called?
Everything with a grain of salt, you know.
That doesn't mean becauseyou're unconditionally loving or
hurt people hurt people orpeace, love and light and all
that BS that you have totolerate mistreatment or bad
behavior or abuse.
We still get to draw the lineand we still get to not like it.
(01:26):
Like it's okay to not like it,it's okay to be angry, it's okay
to react and respond and havean emotional reaction to
something that someone else isdoing or saying that is hurtful
or bad.
I don't want to take permissionaway from people to feel what
they're meant to feel.
There's no bad emotion.
(01:47):
It's only in what we choose todo with it that it becomes bad.
So I really just want to, youknow, make that clear, like I
think so in this particular post, and I have it written down and
this is what was said.
So when you're an emotionallyintelligent person, you can't
really hate someone because youknow why they are the way they
(02:08):
are.
Most people see an adult, butyou realize that what you're
looking at is a wounded childthat never really healed, that's
stuck in an adult's body.
So when you see this, you stoptaking everything so personally.
You understand that the personis just projecting their pain,
their trauma and their fearsonto others.
(02:29):
Hurt people, hurt people.
It doesn't excuse theirbehavior, but it does explain it
and you can take a step backand let people have their
experiences at that point andnot get all wrapped up in it,
and then don't let theirbrokenness break you.
Okay, so that was that was the.
That was the point that wasbeing made in this reel, which I
(02:52):
mean.
For the most part, I do agreewith a lot of what's being said.
The part that I don't agreewith and I want to, I want to
emphasize that, to use the word,you don't hate somebody, and
hate is a strong word, and Idon't know if any of us ever
really hate people.
I mean, I can think of a coupleof people that I hate in
mainstream media right nowbecause their unhealed trauma
and their projections of theirunprocessed pain is creating
(03:15):
havoc.
So I choose to hate them.
I'm sorry If that makes me anuninvolved person, then so be it
, but that is how I amprocessing it and I'm not.
I'm not, like you know, goingout on social and spreading this
hate or you know, like I'm.
You know I'm doing what I canto be the kind of person I wish
(03:35):
they would be.
So I'm still using this hate inan empowered way, like do you
see the difference?
It's not what you feel, it'swhat you do with what you feel
that makes the difference, andthat's that's what I always want
to bring home, okay, so, um, solet's talk about this truth.
Okay, hurtful behavior oftencomes from unhealed pain or
trauma.
And other people right?
(03:56):
Yes, when people are acting inhurtful ways, in ways that
create pain and trauma in others, they're usually acting out of
their own unhealed trauma.
Okay, yes, that is 100% true,and for that I always do bring a
level of sympathy andcompassion for that person, or
empathy and compassion for thatperson.
(04:17):
Okay, but here's where the buckstops, okay, here's where I
draw the line Number one we allhave a choice.
Okay, and this is how I'llpaint it.
We all have trauma.
We all have a lot of unhealedtrauma.
Whether or not we hurt otherpeople is a choice.
So, for whatever reason,they're making the conscious
choice to hurt other people, andthat, for me, is not okay.
(04:39):
So, although I can havecompassion for why you're
hurting people and why you'reprojecting all this unhealed
trauma onto the people aroundyou, although I can have
compassion for it and I canempathize with it.
I don't need you to be part ofmy reality.
Do you see the difference?
I can still say I see you, Ihear you, I feel you, but that
(05:03):
is, that is not for me.
Um, and somebody, I think, wrotein the comments and it was such
an amazing quote I'm like, ohmy God, so well said, it wasn't
theirs, they had gotten it fromsomebody else and the quote um,
and it was apparently.
It was a famous quote and I wasgoing to Google it before we
hopped on to record but I forgot.
So that's what it is, um, so ifyou guys know, let me know in
the comments, if you know whoquoted this.
But the quote was somethingalong the lines of I want you to
(05:26):
eat, but I don't want to giveyou a seat at my table.
You know what I mean.
Like I want you, I don't wishyou, but I don't wish harm come
to you.
Like I wish you well, but youdon't need a place in my life.
Like I can set a boundary andputting up with.
Sometimes all this conversationof bad people hurt people, just
gives people this permission,especially women, especially
(05:48):
women who are caught in toxicrelationship cycles who are
constantly like self-abandoningand getting wrapped up in these
toxic relationships with toxic,emotionally unavailable, maybe
even borderline, abusive ornarcissistic men.
Because I've said this, oh, buthurt people, hurt people, he's
just acting.
(06:09):
No, you walk away.
No one, no one's pain,unprocessed trauma or anything
is reason enough to accept beingtreated badly by that person
and it does not make it okay.
So I want to make thatperfectly clear.
(06:30):
Like I mean again, although thepost said they won't, you won't
hate, you can.
Nobody emotionally um, mature orintelligent I can't remember
the word that they use wouldhate somebody who was acting out
of their unhealed trauma.
Okay, fine, maybe don't hatethem, but you don't need to
share a life with them either.
You don't need to be inrelationship either.
They don't get to have a seatat your table.
(06:53):
You know Both can be true.
You can have compassion, youcan have empathy and not allow
them to abuse you or mistreat.
You Both get to be true.
So, even though you know it'sso easy to get caught in that
trap of you know well, hurtpeople hurt people.
(07:14):
So he's hurt.
It's not your job to mend them.
It's not your job toself-sacrifice for them.
Please don't use that as anexcuse to stay in a situation
that is unhealthy or hurtful orpainful for you, or where
somebody is mistreating you orlying to you or cheating on you
or whatever.
The situation is.
Nothing, nothing, nothing,nothing.
Nothing can justify you stayingin a situation that is painful
(07:37):
for you because of theirunhealed trauma.
If they have unhealed trauma,that is theirs to deal with, and
some people unfortunately don'twant to deal with their
unhealed trauma.
They don't want to get thesupport or the help that they
need.
They don't want and we cannotforce them to do that.
We cannot make them do that,but we also can't be the
(07:59):
band-aid solution for them andthe crutch that makes it easy
for them not to address it.
Do you know what I mean?
Because by staying, if thatperson were to ever decide, okay
, yeah, I've got some unhealedtrauma and I'm treating people
badly and I've really hurtso-and-so and I should really
take a look at this.
(08:19):
Right, they're not going to doit while you're sticking around,
they'll do it when you leave.
Because as long as you'resticking around, it's like, yeah
, on a subconscious level, theyprobably know they've got some
unhealed shit they need toaddress, but it's like, yeah,
but things are fine, why rockthe boat?
You know she's here, she'sputting up with it, so I'll just
leave it as is.
You know and I say thislightheartedly, but it's not
(08:43):
lighthearted like there'snothing lighthearted about it.
You know, when you'retolerating, it's really easy and
I've been there before whenyou're tolerating abuse from
someone and mistreatment fromsomeone, it's so easy to use
everything in their past as anexcuse for why they're treating
you badly.
The bad relationship they hadwith their father, or maybe the
completely unavailable father,right, the overbearing mother
(09:10):
that made them feel helpless andthat constant needed to, you
know needed to be mothered anddoubted on.
And you know taken care of.
You know constantly it on anddoted on and and.
And you know taken care of.
You know constantly, um, thefeeling insecure as a child and
(09:32):
never really feeling like theyfit in.
Or you know, being abused orbullied at school.
Or you know, whatever theirstory was, whatever they
experienced, it's so easy totake that and say, okay, well,
you know that's why he's the wayhe is.
You know he had an absentfather, he had an emotionally
overbearing mother.
He's so insecure, there's somuch rage in him.
You know he suffered the lossof a friend at a very young age
or whatever it was.
(09:53):
And you know that's why he actsthe way he does and that's why
he gets so angry sometimes andthat's why sometimes he's so
emotionally unavailable and, youknow, says mean things or does
mean things or does things thathe knows will hurt me.
And you know, I know it comesfrom that little boy in him that
was hurt so badly and has neverprocessed what he experienced.
(10:16):
I've been there.
I've been there where youconstantly make excuses for them
and why they treat you badly.
You know you can justify all ofit right From all the pain and
suffering that they'veexperienced, from all the hurt,
from all the letdowns, from allthe things that they were unable
to express because they werenever given the safe place to do
(10:36):
it.
I get it.
I get it and I know how easy itis to, you know, fall for, not
fall for, but give in toideologies like, well, hurt
people, hurt people.
Like it's almost like a sigh ofrelief, it's like, okay, I
don't have to leave, I can juststay with them and it's okay.
(10:58):
See, this makes sense becauseI'm empathizing with their
traumatic, you know theirunprocessed trauma, and I get it
and I'm being sympathetic tothat.
I'm being empathetic to that,I'm being a good and loving
person.
You're not.
You're actually self-abandoningand the only thing that you're
(11:19):
doing is teaching this personthat it is okay to treat people
badly and that there is noconsequence for it.
When there is a consequence forpeople treating people badly,
you know it doesn't have to be aharsh consequence, like I'm not
saying these people should bethrown in prison, but well, it
depends, um.
But you know, like there isconsequences for treating people
(11:40):
badly, even if it does comefrom unprocessed trauma, because
your unprocessed trauma cannotbe is not the excuse for
treating people badly andpossibly traumatizing somebody
else.
This is where we getgenerational trauma is because
we keep traumatizing one anotherfrom one generation to the next
, passing on the same painfulexperiences.
(12:03):
Right, it has to stop.
And it comes with making theuncomfortable decision to say I
see you, I recognize that youhave a lot of unhealed pain and
trauma, and, as much as I wouldlove to be able to be here for
you and hold space for you tomove through, whatever it is
you're moving through, I am notgoing to let you hurt me anymore
(12:26):
.
I am drawing the line.
I am setting a boundary, I amwalking away.
You no longer get access tohurting me, and that is a
decision that we all get to makeand not feel bad about.
Okay, yes, sometimes you know wetalk about, you know, being
(12:47):
unconditionally loving.
You have to accept the personfor all.
Okay, sometimes you know wetalk about, you know, being
unconditionally loving.
You have to accept the personfor all.
Okay, yeah, that's fine.
But sometimes accepting aperson for all of who they are,
in their light and their dark,means I accept you, I see you, I
see all of you.
I'm not trying to change you.
This is who you are.
I accept it, I love it.
I wish you well.
(13:07):
Change you this is who you are.
I accept it, I love it.
I wish you well.
But you don't have a seat at mytable.
You don't have access to me.
If you're going to be hurtfultowards me, because I also have
unconditional love for me, andbecause I have unconditional
love for me, I can say withoutguilt and without shame that you
don't get to project yourunhealed trauma onto me.
(13:30):
If you want to deal with yourtrauma, if you want to hold on
to your trauma and keep it withyou, that's fine, that's that's
yours.
Keep it by all means.
You do what you see, what youthink is best, but for me, I
know what's good for me, andwhat's good for me is making
sure that I set a boundary sothat your trauma does not impact
me.
And that's where I think hesaid, you know, in the end, when
(13:51):
he said don't let theirbrokenness break you.
Right, and I think that's whathe was trying to get at and at
the end of the day, is you know,don't let their brokenness
break you, and be able to setthe boundaries and be able to
take a step back and say that,you know, recognize that their
behavior has more to do withthem than it has to do with you.
And that part I totally agreewith right.
(14:14):
When people are behaving badly,it has everything to do with
them and very little to do withyou.
The part that I just I think Ireally struggled with is this
whole idea that you know wecan't and again he used hate,
but you know it can easily bemisinterpreted to we have to
(14:35):
always be loving and acceptingof people who treat us that way,
and that's just not true.
We can get angry, we can gethurt.
We can even experience hate inthese situations, especially
when that person's unhealedtrauma and making bad decisions
and taking bad actions impactsmy life.
And, let's face it, sometimesthat does happen and it does
create mess for us that we needto clean up right or think about
(14:58):
or address, and we canabsolutely hate that.
And again, it always comes downto what not what you feel
that's bad, but what you chooseto do with those emotions.
So I choose to remember, eventhough I may feel hate or anger
or resentment or whatever it isthat comes up for me when I'm in
these situations, with thesetypes of people.
(15:18):
I may feel all these things,but I choose to set a boundary
and say you no longer get accessto me if this is how you're
going to treat me.
I choose to.
If I can't change theirbehavior, how can I show up in a
way that is aligned with how Iwould want?
Like, how can I, you know, leadby example, right?
How can I process my pain, myanger, my resentment, my anger
(15:43):
in a healthy way, rather than,you know, just taking that pain
and reprojecting it ontosomebody else and, you know,
letting that cycle of traumacontinue, right?
These are all choices that weget to make, and I think you
know when we talk about you know, like you said, being an
emotionally intelligent person.
(16:04):
I don't think there's anythingabout emotionally intelligence
that says you deny yourselfcertain feelings.
That's the part I think Idisagreed with the most.
I think, as an emotionallyintelligent person, you get to
feel all your feelings andprocess them in a healthy way
and understand what's behindthem, right?
So I can feel all these ickyemotions.
(16:24):
I can feel hate, I can feelanger, I can feel rage.
I can feel all these things,but I can channel them in
healthy ways to figure out wheredo I need to set a boundary,
what truth do I need to share,how do I want to show up in the
world in a way that aligns withwhat I believe in and what I
deem to be healthy, and how canI break the cycle of trauma and
(16:50):
come to that empowered like,make that empowered decision,
without having to resort todenying myself certain emotions
or shaming myself for havingcertain emotions?
I don't think that that'shealthy.
I think that's actually veryunhealthy, um, I think that's
that's actually very unhealthy,um.
And so I just wanted to kind of,you know, give everyone
(17:18):
permission to say you don't haveto like it when somebody treats
you badly, you don't have tomake excuses for it or or spend
like copious amounts of energytrying to analyze why they're
treating you badly and whereit's coming from and where is
the trauma and why are theybehaving in this way?
And is it because their fatherdidn't love them or wasn't
available to them, or is itbecause their mother smothered
and was overbearing with them?
Let all that go and just takepeople at face value and how
(17:43):
they treat you, and if theydon't know how to treat you well
, it does not matter whatthey've been through.
You still get to choose whetheror not those people get a seat
at your table and you have everyright to say you do not get a
seat at my table if you treat mebadly and not feel an ounce of
(18:05):
guilt or shame over it.
Even if they have unhealedtrauma, that is theirs, not
yours.
Okay, now I get it.
It's different, with differenttypes of relationships and
different dynamics.
Obviously, I get it.
Everything is everything I say.
Take with a grain of salt.
Everything has, you know, is amillion shades of gray and each
(18:26):
situation is different, but I'mjust trying to tell you.
You have that choice, it isavailable to you and nobody's
going to fault you on it.
And if anybody were to faultyou on it, tell me I'll kick
their ass.
I will go ghetto on their assif they do.
But seriously, please don't hearthese things and use it as an
(18:48):
excuse to tolerate bad behaviorfrom people.
Because I know, when I was atthe beginning of my spiritual
journey, I was all up in thisunconditional love and you know,
you know all their toxicbehavior is.
You know it's and is like it isa reflection of our own
wounding and our own energeticblueprint.
(19:10):
And that's how I got to do alot of this work.
But I don't have to tolerate it.
I don't, and that was a hardlesson.
I don't have to beunconditionally loving to
somebody who is toxic.
I don't.
Um, I mean, yeah, I, yeah, Ican unconditionally love and
accept them and I can see theirlight, I can see the goodness in
(19:33):
them, but I don't have to denytheir shadow.
I don't have to deny the traitsabout them that I don't like or
that treat me badly or thathurt me or that are
disrespectful.
I get to acknowledge all ofthat and I get to decide who
sits at my table based on that.
So please don't let anythingtake the power of choice away
(19:58):
from you.
You get to decide always whogets a seat at your table,
without guilt, without shame.
People without guilt, withoutshame.
I don't care what their storyis.
If they don't treat you well,you can walk away and hold your
head up high saying, hey, listen, I tried to love this person.
I tried.
(20:25):
They were hurtful towards me, Ihad to walk, that's it.
You know you don't have toexplain yourself.
You don't have to justifyyourself.
You don't have to proveyourself.
You don't have to.
Don't take these ideas that youhear online, that that people
love to pontificate all the timeand regurgitate from one
channel and one profile to thenext.
You know it's not like that.
Um, and I hear so many.
(20:47):
I I sometimes.
I think I want to do an episodeon all the stupid sayings that
I hear in the spiritualcommunity that actually are very
unhealthy and very, very, verytoxic.
You know when it comes rightdown to it and you know, hurt
people, hurt people is one ofthem.
Yeah, it's a good explanationto understand why people are
(21:08):
hurting, but just because you'rehurt doesn't mean you
automatically hurt people.
There are many people walkingaround here in a lot of pain and
a lot of unhealed trauma thatare still not making the choice
to hurt other people.
I'm guessing you're probablyone of them.
If you're listening to thispodcast, you know, I'm guessing
you've probably had a fair shareof your own trauma and your own
(21:28):
painful experiences and youain't walking around here like
trying to, like you know,project your trauma into other
people.
Maybe you have.
Maybe you have, maybe you'vemade that mistake.
I know I have.
I know I've projected a lot ofmy pain onto other people many
times, right, but I'm taking thesteps to rectify that, and so
are you from being here, youknow, um, and to be accountable
(21:50):
for, for our behavior and toshow up as the best version of
ourself, and that's all we canask for at the end of the day.
And if somebody is not wantingto do that, that is not on us,
that is on them, right?
So for you, that means beingable to walk away without guilt
or shame, knowing that you'redoing the right and the healthy
(22:11):
thing for you, because eventhough we can love and accept
everyone and accept that hurtpeople hurt people, we still
have to have unconditional lovefor ourselves, and that means
being able to set a boundary andto say when and what we will
and won't tolerate in ourrelationships.
And that gets to always be achoice that we make, and we can
(22:34):
make it anytime and we don'tneed to feel bad for it or feel
like we need to justify it, okay.
So compassion, yes, but doesnot equal tolerance, right?
Compassion does not meantolerating bad behaviors.
You teach people how to treatyou by taking a stand for
(22:57):
yourself and being clear aboutwhat you will and won't tolerate
, and you set the standard foryour relationships going forward
.
Because I can tell you rightnow, every time I tolerated a
relationship that treated mebadly, I only attracted more
relationships, because it'salmost like an energetic
intention when we toleratepeople who treat us badly.
It's almost like an invitationfor more people to come and
treat us badly into our lives,you know.
(23:18):
So you know, resist the urge toself-abandon, resist the urge
to want to justify their badbehavior and make up a really
good reason for you to stickaround through it.
Because, at the end of the day,that's what we're doing.
Because I was, you know I wouldhave I love, I would have loved
(23:39):
to stick around with some ofthose individuals who were
treating me badly.
It was so easy, oh.
But see, he's just, he's sowounded on the inside and that,
that, that that you know I wouldmake up all these romance.
I would even romanticize thesestories of the wounded dog who
doesn't love that love story,you know.
(24:01):
So, please, when you findyourself wanting to justify
their bad behavior with traumaand childhood wounds, and listen
.
Yes, that may be where theirbad behavior is coming from.
I'm not discrediting that, I'mnot.
I'm not insensitive to that,I'm really not.
(24:23):
But that is not yours to bear,that is theirs.
You, even though it comes from awounded place, even though it
comes from where you still getto choose yourself and say this
actually, this is not how I wantto be treated, and I understand
(24:45):
where it's coming from and I,you know I send you all the love
in my heart, but no thanks, Ican't like, I cannot put up with
this.
I cannot accept this.
I cannot tolerate being treatedin this way.
That, to me, is not healthy.
Anytime a relationship ishurting you, consistently doing
(25:11):
things that are, that arehurtful or mean spirited, that's
not to say that you know we'renot going to have arguments in
our relationships.
Of course we are.
Of course we are.
But when the relationship ismean, it's hurtful and it makes
you feel bad about yourself.
You do not need to be in thatrelationship.
I don't care who it is, I don'tcare who the person is.
But you know and I get that youmight not always be easy to
(25:33):
make that decision.
But if you can walk away fromthis podcast and this episode
knowing that you can make thatdecision to not want to be with
this person, to not like thisperson for the way that they
treat you, to not feel goodabout the way that they're
treating you, even though youknow it's coming from their own
unhealed shit, that's okay.
You're allowed to have yourfeelings, you're allowed to set
(25:55):
your boundaries, you're allowedto be clear about what you will
and won't tolerate and you getto decide, going forward, what
you do with those feelings thatare coming up for you, no matter
how icky they might be.
It is all okay.
There is no right or wrongemotion, only what we choose to
do with it.
So if you take anything awayfrom this podcast, please take
away that and please stopletting these other influencers
(26:20):
kind of fill you with theseideas that you need to tolerate
bad behavior from people becausethat is the emotionally
intelligent and unconditionallyloving thing to do, because that
is absolutely not the case.
Emotional intelligence meansyou get to experience a full
breath of human emotion.
You just get to do it in a veryhealthy way and you get to
(26:44):
examine what that means for youand how that's trying to evolve
you.
That's all Okay.
So please don't let anybodydeny you from feeling something
that is coming up for you.
Okay, full permission to feelyour feelings and do the right
thing.
So hopefully that helped.
(27:07):
I hopefully.
I've been having a really hardtime trying to communicate today
.
I don't know why it's takenseveral takes.
I've recorded two episodes.
I think each one took 10 takes,so hopefully that lands well.
That resonates well.
Let me know in the comments ifit did.
If this is a complete hot mess,let me know.
I will never record in thisstate, ever again.
And if you love this episode,please leave a positive rating
(27:30):
and review on Apple, itunes orSpotify or wherever you're
seeing this.
Until next time, you guys.
Massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome, if you guys are new.
Today we're going to have alittle bit of a more serious
conversation, also sparked bycomments on Instagram on someone
else's post, who I have a lotof respect for again, but said
something that I did not agreewith and I shared my well, I did
(00:22):
agree with to a degree and thenI also kind of gave my two
cents on it and it sparked somuch conversation in the
comments.
So I know it's something thatpeople need to hear and that is
this whole idea of how hurtpeople hurt people and why
compassion does not meantolerating bad behavior, and I
want to make that explicitlyclear.
(00:42):
Like and this is why I became atrauma coach, because I do a
trauma informed coach, because Ido hear a lot of these
different ideas and expectationskind of thrown around a lot in
the spiritual community and Idon't always think that they're
healthy this, all this wholeidea of her people, her people,
and peace, love and light andunconditional love, and blah,
(01:03):
blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, all great, but you haveto be, you know, you have to be.
What's it called?
Everything with a grain of salt, you know.
That doesn't mean becauseyou're unconditionally loving or
hurt people hurt people orpeace, love and light and all
that BS that you have totolerate mistreatment or bad
behavior or abuse.
We still get to draw the lineand we still get to not like it.
(01:26):
Like it's okay to not like it,it's okay to be angry, it's okay
to react and respond and havean emotional reaction to
something that someone else isdoing or saying that is hurtful
or bad.
I don't want to take permissionaway from people to feel what
they're meant to feel.
There's no bad emotion.
(01:47):
It's only in what we choose todo with it that it becomes bad.
So I really just want to, youknow, make that clear, like I
think so in this particular post, and I have it written down and
this is what was said.
So when you're an emotionallyintelligent person, you can't
really hate someone because youknow why they are the way they
(02:08):
are.
Most people see an adult, butyou realize that what you're
looking at is a wounded childthat never really healed, that's
stuck in an adult's body.
So when you see this, you stoptaking everything so personally.
You understand that the personis just projecting their pain,
their trauma and their fearsonto others.
(02:29):
Hurt people, hurt people.
It doesn't excuse theirbehavior, but it does explain it
and you can take a step backand let people have their
experiences at that point andnot get all wrapped up in it,
and then don't let theirbrokenness break you.
Okay, so that was that was the.
That was the point that wasbeing made in this reel, which I
(02:52):
mean.
For the most part, I do agreewith a lot of what's being said.
The part that I don't agreewith and I want to, I want to
emphasize that, to use the word,you don't hate somebody, and
hate is a strong word, and Idon't know if any of us ever
really hate people.
I mean, I can think of a coupleof people that I hate in
mainstream media right nowbecause their unhealed trauma
and their projections of theirunprocessed pain is creating
(03:15):
havoc.
So I choose to hate them.
I'm sorry If that makes me anuninvolved person, then so be it
, but that is how I amprocessing it and I'm not.
I'm not, like you know, goingout on social and spreading this
hate or you know, like I'm.
You know I'm doing what I canto be the kind of person I wish
(03:35):
they would be.
So I'm still using this hate inan empowered way, like do you
see the difference?
It's not what you feel, it'swhat you do with what you feel
that makes the difference, andthat's that's what I always want
to bring home, okay, so, um, solet's talk about this truth.
Okay, hurtful behavior oftencomes from unhealed pain or
trauma.
And other people right?
(03:56):
Yes, when people are acting inhurtful ways, in ways that
create pain and trauma in others, they're usually acting out of
their own unhealed trauma.
Okay, yes, that is 100% true,and for that I always do bring a
level of sympathy andcompassion for that person, or
empathy and compassion for thatperson.
(04:17):
Okay, but here's where the buckstops, okay, here's where I
draw the line Number one we allhave a choice.
Okay, and this is how I'llpaint it.
We all have trauma.
We all have a lot of unhealedtrauma.
Whether or not we hurt otherpeople is a choice.
So, for whatever reason,they're making the conscious
choice to hurt other people, andthat, for me, is not okay.
(04:39):
So, although I can havecompassion for why you're
hurting people and why you'reprojecting all this unhealed
trauma onto the people aroundyou, although I can have
compassion for it and I canempathize with it.
I don't need you to be part ofmy reality.
Do you see the difference?
I can still say I see you, Ihear you, I feel you, but that
(05:03):
is, that is not for me.
Um, and somebody, I think, wrotein the comments and it was such
an amazing quote I'm like, ohmy God, so well said, it wasn't
theirs, they had gotten it fromsomebody else and the quote um,
and it was apparently.
It was a famous quote and I wasgoing to Google it before we
hopped on to record but I forgot.
So that's what it is, um, so ifyou guys know, let me know in
the comments, if you know whoquoted this.
But the quote was somethingalong the lines of I want you to
(05:26):
eat, but I don't want to giveyou a seat at my table.
You know what I mean.
Like I want you, I don't wishyou, but I don't wish harm come
to you.
Like I wish you well, but youdon't need a place in my life.
Like I can set a boundary andputting up with.
Sometimes all this conversationof bad people hurt people, just
gives people this permission,especially women, especially
(05:48):
women who are caught in toxicrelationship cycles who are
constantly like self-abandoningand getting wrapped up in these
toxic relationships with toxic,emotionally unavailable, maybe
even borderline, abusive ornarcissistic men.
Because I've said this, oh, buthurt people, hurt people, he's
just acting.
(06:09):
No, you walk away.
No one, no one's pain,unprocessed trauma or anything
is reason enough to accept beingtreated badly by that person
and it does not make it okay.
So I want to make thatperfectly clear.
(06:30):
Like I mean again, although thepost said they won't, you won't
hate, you can.
Nobody emotionally um, mature orintelligent I can't remember
the word that they use wouldhate somebody who was acting out
of their unhealed trauma.
Okay, fine, maybe don't hatethem, but you don't need to
share a life with them either.
You don't need to be inrelationship either.
They don't get to have a seatat your table.
(06:53):
You know Both can be true.
You can have compassion, youcan have empathy and not allow
them to abuse you or mistreat.
You Both get to be true.
So, even though you know it'sso easy to get caught in that
trap of you know well, hurtpeople hurt people.
(07:14):
So he's hurt.
It's not your job to mend them.
It's not your job toself-sacrifice for them.
Please don't use that as anexcuse to stay in a situation
that is unhealthy or hurtful orpainful for you, or where
somebody is mistreating you orlying to you or cheating on you
or whatever.
The situation is.
Nothing, nothing, nothing,nothing.
Nothing can justify you stayingin a situation that is painful
(07:37):
for you because of theirunhealed trauma.
If they have unhealed trauma,that is theirs to deal with, and
some people unfortunately don'twant to deal with their
unhealed trauma.
They don't want to get thesupport or the help that they
need.
They don't want and we cannotforce them to do that.
We cannot make them do that,but we also can't be the
(07:59):
band-aid solution for them andthe crutch that makes it easy
for them not to address it.
Do you know what I mean?
Because by staying, if thatperson were to ever decide, okay
, yeah, I've got some unhealedtrauma and I'm treating people
badly and I've really hurtso-and-so and I should really
take a look at this.
(08:19):
Right, they're not going to doit while you're sticking around,
they'll do it when you leave.
Because as long as you'resticking around, it's like, yeah
, on a subconscious level, theyprobably know they've got some
unhealed shit they need toaddress, but it's like, yeah,
but things are fine, why rockthe boat?
You know she's here, she'sputting up with it, so I'll just
leave it as is.
You know and I say thislightheartedly, but it's not
(08:43):
lighthearted like there'snothing lighthearted about it.
You know, when you'retolerating, it's really easy and
I've been there before whenyou're tolerating abuse from
someone and mistreatment fromsomeone, it's so easy to use
everything in their past as anexcuse for why they're treating
you badly.
The bad relationship they hadwith their father, or maybe the
completely unavailable father,right, the overbearing mother
(09:10):
that made them feel helpless andthat constant needed to, you
know needed to be mothered anddoubted on.
And you know taken care of.
You know constantly it on anddoted on and and.
And you know taken care of.
You know constantly, um, thefeeling insecure as a child and
(09:32):
never really feeling like theyfit in.
Or you know, being abused orbullied at school.
Or you know, whatever theirstory was, whatever they
experienced, it's so easy totake that and say, okay, well,
you know that's why he's the wayhe is.
You know he had an absentfather, he had an emotionally
overbearing mother.
He's so insecure, there's somuch rage in him.
You know he suffered the lossof a friend at a very young age
or whatever it was.
(09:53):
And you know that's why he actsthe way he does and that's why
he gets so angry sometimes andthat's why sometimes he's so
emotionally unavailable and, youknow, says mean things or does
mean things or does things thathe knows will hurt me.
And you know, I know it comesfrom that little boy in him that
was hurt so badly and has neverprocessed what he experienced.
(10:16):
I've been there.
I've been there where youconstantly make excuses for them
and why they treat you badly.
You know you can justify all ofit right From all the pain and
suffering that they'veexperienced, from all the hurt,
from all the letdowns, from allthe things that they were unable
to express because they werenever given the safe place to do
(10:36):
it.
I get it.
I get it and I know how easy itis to, you know, fall for, not
fall for, but give in toideologies like, well, hurt
people, hurt people.
Like it's almost like a sigh ofrelief, it's like, okay, I
don't have to leave, I can juststay with them and it's okay.
(10:58):
See, this makes sense becauseI'm empathizing with their
traumatic, you know theirunprocessed trauma, and I get it
and I'm being sympathetic tothat.
I'm being empathetic to that,I'm being a good and loving
person.
You're not.
You're actually self-abandoningand the only thing that you're
(11:19):
doing is teaching this personthat it is okay to treat people
badly and that there is noconsequence for it.
When there is a consequence forpeople treating people badly,
you know it doesn't have to be aharsh consequence, like I'm not
saying these people should bethrown in prison, but well, it
depends, um.
But you know, like there isconsequences for treating people
(11:40):
badly, even if it does comefrom unprocessed trauma, because
your unprocessed trauma cannotbe is not the excuse for
treating people badly andpossibly traumatizing somebody
else.
This is where we getgenerational trauma is because
we keep traumatizing one anotherfrom one generation to the next
, passing on the same painfulexperiences.
(12:03):
Right, it has to stop.
And it comes with making theuncomfortable decision to say I
see you, I recognize that youhave a lot of unhealed pain and
trauma, and, as much as I wouldlove to be able to be here for
you and hold space for you tomove through, whatever it is
you're moving through, I am notgoing to let you hurt me anymore
(12:26):
.
I am drawing the line.
I am setting a boundary, I amwalking away.
You no longer get access tohurting me, and that is a
decision that we all get to makeand not feel bad about.
Okay, yes, sometimes you know wetalk about, you know, being
(12:47):
unconditionally loving.
You have to accept the personfor all.
Okay, sometimes you know wetalk about, you know, being
unconditionally loving.
You have to accept the personfor all.
Okay, yeah, that's fine.
But sometimes accepting aperson for all of who they are,
in their light and their dark,means I accept you, I see you, I
see all of you.
I'm not trying to change you.
This is who you are.
I accept it, I love it.
I wish you well.
(13:07):
Change you this is who you are.
I accept it, I love it.
I wish you well.
But you don't have a seat at mytable.
You don't have access to me.
If you're going to be hurtfultowards me, because I also have
unconditional love for me, andbecause I have unconditional
love for me, I can say withoutguilt and without shame that you
don't get to project yourunhealed trauma onto me.
(13:30):
If you want to deal with yourtrauma, if you want to hold on
to your trauma and keep it withyou, that's fine, that's that's
yours.
Keep it by all means.
You do what you see, what youthink is best, but for me, I
know what's good for me, andwhat's good for me is making
sure that I set a boundary sothat your trauma does not impact
me.
And that's where I think hesaid, you know, in the end, when
(13:51):
he said don't let theirbrokenness break you.
Right, and I think that's whathe was trying to get at and at
the end of the day, is you know,don't let their brokenness
break you, and be able to setthe boundaries and be able to
take a step back and say that,you know, recognize that their
behavior has more to do withthem than it has to do with you.
And that part I totally agreewith right.
(14:14):
When people are behaving badly,it has everything to do with
them and very little to do withyou.
The part that I just I think Ireally struggled with is this
whole idea that you know wecan't and again he used hate,
but you know it can easily bemisinterpreted to we have to
(14:35):
always be loving and acceptingof people who treat us that way,
and that's just not true.
We can get angry, we can gethurt.
We can even experience hate inthese situations, especially
when that person's unhealedtrauma and making bad decisions
and taking bad actions impactsmy life.
And, let's face it, sometimesthat does happen and it does
create mess for us that we needto clean up right or think about
(14:58):
or address, and we canabsolutely hate that.
And again, it always comes downto what not what you feel
that's bad, but what you chooseto do with those emotions.
So I choose to remember, eventhough I may feel hate or anger
or resentment or whatever it isthat comes up for me when I'm in
these situations, with thesetypes of people.
(15:18):
I may feel all these things,but I choose to set a boundary
and say you no longer get accessto me if this is how you're
going to treat me.
I choose to.
If I can't change theirbehavior, how can I show up in a
way that is aligned with how Iwould want?
Like, how can I, you know, leadby example, right?
How can I process my pain, myanger, my resentment, my anger
(15:43):
in a healthy way, rather than,you know, just taking that pain
and reprojecting it ontosomebody else and, you know,
letting that cycle of traumacontinue, right?
These are all choices that weget to make, and I think you
know when we talk about you know, like you said, being an
emotionally intelligent person.
(16:04):
I don't think there's anythingabout emotionally intelligence
that says you deny yourselfcertain feelings.
That's the part I think Idisagreed with the most.
I think, as an emotionallyintelligent person, you get to
feel all your feelings andprocess them in a healthy way
and understand what's behindthem, right?
So I can feel all these ickyemotions.
(16:24):
I can feel hate, I can feelanger, I can feel rage.
I can feel all these things,but I can channel them in
healthy ways to figure out wheredo I need to set a boundary,
what truth do I need to share,how do I want to show up in the
world in a way that aligns withwhat I believe in and what I
deem to be healthy, and how canI break the cycle of trauma and
(16:50):
come to that empowered like,make that empowered decision,
without having to resort todenying myself certain emotions
or shaming myself for havingcertain emotions?
I don't think that that'shealthy.
I think that's actually veryunhealthy, um, I think that's
that's actually very unhealthy,um.
And so I just wanted to kind of,you know, give everyone
(17:18):
permission to say you don't haveto like it when somebody treats
you badly, you don't have tomake excuses for it or or spend
like copious amounts of energytrying to analyze why they're
treating you badly and whereit's coming from and where is
the trauma and why are theybehaving in this way?
And is it because their fatherdidn't love them or wasn't
available to them, or is itbecause their mother smothered
and was overbearing with them?
Let all that go and just takepeople at face value and how
(17:43):
they treat you, and if theydon't know how to treat you well
, it does not matter whatthey've been through.
You still get to choose whetheror not those people get a seat
at your table and you have everyright to say you do not get a
seat at my table if you treat mebadly and not feel an ounce of
(18:05):
guilt or shame over it.
Even if they have unhealedtrauma, that is theirs, not
yours.
Okay, now I get it.
It's different, with differenttypes of relationships and
different dynamics.
Obviously, I get it.
Everything is everything I say.
Take with a grain of salt.
Everything has, you know, is amillion shades of gray and each
(18:26):
situation is different, but I'mjust trying to tell you.
You have that choice, it isavailable to you and nobody's
going to fault you on it.
And if anybody were to faultyou on it, tell me I'll kick
their ass.
I will go ghetto on their assif they do.
But seriously, please don't hearthese things and use it as an
(18:48):
excuse to tolerate bad behaviorfrom people.
Because I know, when I was atthe beginning of my spiritual
journey, I was all up in thisunconditional love and you know,
you know all their toxicbehavior is.
You know it's and is like it isa reflection of our own
wounding and our own energeticblueprint.
(19:10):
And that's how I got to do alot of this work.
But I don't have to tolerate it.
I don't, and that was a hardlesson.
I don't have to beunconditionally loving to
somebody who is toxic.
I don't.
Um, I mean, yeah, I, yeah, Ican unconditionally love and
accept them and I can see theirlight, I can see the goodness in
(19:33):
them, but I don't have to denytheir shadow.
I don't have to deny the traitsabout them that I don't like or
that treat me badly or thathurt me or that are
disrespectful.
I get to acknowledge all ofthat and I get to decide who
sits at my table based on that.
So please don't let anythingtake the power of choice away
(19:58):
from you.
You get to decide always whogets a seat at your table,
without guilt, without shame.
People without guilt, withoutshame.
I don't care what their storyis.
If they don't treat you well,you can walk away and hold your
head up high saying, hey, listen, I tried to love this person.
I tried.
(20:25):
They were hurtful towards me, Ihad to walk, that's it.
You know you don't have toexplain yourself.
You don't have to justifyyourself.
You don't have to proveyourself.
You don't have to.
Don't take these ideas that youhear online, that that people
love to pontificate all the timeand regurgitate from one
channel and one profile to thenext.
You know it's not like that.
Um, and I hear so many.
(20:47):
I I sometimes.
I think I want to do an episodeon all the stupid sayings that
I hear in the spiritualcommunity that actually are very
unhealthy and very, very, verytoxic.
You know when it comes rightdown to it and you know, hurt
people, hurt people is one ofthem.
Yeah, it's a good explanationto understand why people are
(21:08):
hurting, but just because you'rehurt doesn't mean you
automatically hurt people.
There are many people walkingaround here in a lot of pain and
a lot of unhealed trauma thatare still not making the choice
to hurt other people.
I'm guessing you're probablyone of them.
If you're listening to thispodcast, you know, I'm guessing
you've probably had a fair shareof your own trauma and your own
(21:28):
painful experiences and youain't walking around here like
trying to, like you know,project your trauma into other
people.
Maybe you have.
Maybe you have, maybe you'vemade that mistake.
I know I have.
I know I've projected a lot ofmy pain onto other people many
times, right, but I'm taking thesteps to rectify that, and so
are you from being here, youknow, um, and to be accountable
(21:50):
for, for our behavior and toshow up as the best version of
ourself, and that's all we canask for at the end of the day.
And if somebody is not wantingto do that, that is not on us,
that is on them, right?
So for you, that means beingable to walk away without guilt
or shame, knowing that you'redoing the right and the healthy
(22:11):
thing for you, because eventhough we can love and accept
everyone and accept that hurtpeople hurt people, we still
have to have unconditional lovefor ourselves, and that means
being able to set a boundary andto say when and what we will
and won't tolerate in ourrelationships.
And that gets to always be achoice that we make, and we can
(22:34):
make it anytime and we don'tneed to feel bad for it or feel
like we need to justify it, okay.
So compassion, yes, but doesnot equal tolerance, right?
Compassion does not meantolerating bad behaviors.
You teach people how to treatyou by taking a stand for
(22:57):
yourself and being clear aboutwhat you will and won't tolerate
, and you set the standard foryour relationships going forward
.
Because I can tell you rightnow, every time I tolerated a
relationship that treated mebadly, I only attracted more
relationships, because it'salmost like an energetic
intention when we toleratepeople who treat us badly.
It's almost like an invitationfor more people to come and
treat us badly into our lives,you know.
(23:18):
So you know, resist the urge toself-abandon, resist the urge
to want to justify their badbehavior and make up a really
good reason for you to stickaround through it.
Because, at the end of the day,that's what we're doing.
Because I was, you know I wouldhave I love, I would have loved
(23:39):
to stick around with some ofthose individuals who were
treating me badly.
It was so easy, oh.
But see, he's just, he's sowounded on the inside and that,
that, that that you know I wouldmake up all these romance.
I would even romanticize thesestories of the wounded dog who
doesn't love that love story,you know.
(24:01):
So, please, when you findyourself wanting to justify
their bad behavior with traumaand childhood wounds, and listen
.
Yes, that may be where theirbad behavior is coming from.
I'm not discrediting that, I'mnot.
I'm not insensitive to that,I'm really not.
(24:23):
But that is not yours to bear,that is theirs.
You, even though it comes from awounded place, even though it
comes from where you still getto choose yourself and say this
actually, this is not how I wantto be treated, and I understand
(24:45):
where it's coming from and I,you know I send you all the love
in my heart, but no thanks, Ican't like, I cannot put up with
this.
I cannot accept this.
I cannot tolerate being treatedin this way.
That, to me, is not healthy.
Anytime a relationship ishurting you, consistently doing
(25:11):
things that are, that arehurtful or mean spirited, that's
not to say that you know we'renot going to have arguments in
our relationships.
Of course we are.
Of course we are.
But when the relationship ismean, it's hurtful and it makes
you feel bad about yourself.
You do not need to be in thatrelationship.
I don't care who it is, I don'tcare who the person is.
But you know and I get that youmight not always be easy to
(25:33):
make that decision.
But if you can walk away fromthis podcast and this episode
knowing that you can make thatdecision to not want to be with
this person, to not like thisperson for the way that they
treat you, to not feel goodabout the way that they're
treating you, even though youknow it's coming from their own
unhealed shit, that's okay.
You're allowed to have yourfeelings, you're allowed to set
(25:55):
your boundaries, you're allowedto be clear about what you will
and won't tolerate and you getto decide, going forward, what
you do with those feelings thatare coming up for you, no matter
how icky they might be.
It is all okay.
There is no right or wrongemotion, only what we choose to
do with it.
So if you take anything awayfrom this podcast, please take
away that and please stopletting these other influencers
(26:20):
kind of fill you with theseideas that you need to tolerate
bad behavior from people becausethat is the emotionally
intelligent and unconditionallyloving thing to do, because that
is absolutely not the case.
Emotional intelligence meansyou get to experience a full
breath of human emotion.
You just get to do it in a veryhealthy way and you get to
(26:44):
examine what that means for youand how that's trying to evolve
you.
That's all Okay.
So please don't let anybodydeny you from feeling something
that is coming up for you.
Okay, full permission to feelyour feelings and do the right
thing.
So hopefully that helped.
(27:07):
I hopefully.
I've been having a really hardtime trying to communicate today
.
I don't know why it's takenseveral takes.
I've recorded two episodes.
I think each one took 10 takes,so hopefully that lands well.
That resonates well.
Let me know in the comments ifit did.
If this is a complete hot mess,let me know.
I will never record in thisstate, ever again.
And if you love this episode,please leave a positive rating
(27:30):
and review on Apple, itunes orSpotify or wherever you're
seeing this.
Until next time, you guys.
Massive love.
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The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.