Have you ever dimmed your light so someone else could feel more comfortable?
Maybe you’ve caught yourself downplaying a promotion… hiding a new relationship… or making yourself smaller just to fit into someone else’s version of you. If so, you’re not alone—and this episode will feel like someone finally put words to what you’ve been carrying for years.
This week on The Femme Cast, I’m pulling back the curtain on a deeply embedded pattern so many women live out unconsciously: shrinking to earn love, maintain connection, and avoid triggering others’ insecurities.
We’ll talk about:
🎤 The hidden emotional cost of “not being too much”
🎤 How the sisterhood wound silently programs women to compete instead of celebrate each other
🎤 Why taking responsibility for someone else’s discomfort is not love—it’s self-abandonment
🎤 The energetic imbalance created when you put other people’s feelings above your truth
🎤 How I started reclaiming my power, stopped shrinking, and watched my podcast—and my life—take off
This isn’t just about friendships. These patterns show up everywhere: in romantic relationships, family dynamics, the workplace. And left unchecked, they quietly erode your confidence, purpose, and capacity to receive aligned love and support.
This is one of the rawest, most important conversations I’ve had—and it’s one I believe every woman needs to hear.
🎤 Because your light was never meant to be dimmed.
🎤 Because your truth doesn’t need to be watered down.
🎤 Because your full, radiant expression is not a threat—it’s a gift.
Tune in now and start taking your power back—one unapologetic truth at a time.
PS: Stop begging to be chosen. Choose yourself instead.
In case no one told you today, you’re not here to beg, chase, or perform for the bare minimum. You’re here to reclaim your power and become magnetic to real, soul-aligned love, success, and abundance.
Reclaim the version of you that never had to beg to be chosen.
Book your 90-minute Sacred Reclamation Intensive here:
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/products/intensive
But fair warning—authentic connections, aligned opportunities, and breakthroughs in love, money, and purpose are inevitable.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to
the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you here Today.
We're gonna kind of piggybackon what we talked about in the
last episode.
I'm actually recording thisright like I recorded them both
back to back.
I'm in the same outfit.
I have not done a wardrobechange, so, no, I'm not wearing
the same outfit all week, fyi.
So I kind of wanted topiggyback on what we talked
(00:22):
about last episode, which youknow.
We talked about this naturalinclination to always feel like
we need to earn love.
I want to specifically talkabout how we sometimes shrink
ourselves to earn love, to fitinto somebody else's story or to
show up in a way that makesother people comfortable, and
(00:44):
this is probably the mostdangerous.
And if you're on this journeyand if you're listening to my
podcast and if you followed mefor a while, this is probably
something you know.
Beyond the people pleasing, theovergiving and the self this is
a form of self-abandonment isthe shrinking.
So this is this shows up a lotin partnerships, yes, but it's
(01:09):
also predominantly you know, itpredominantly shows up in the
workplace, it predominantlyshows up in family dynamics and
it almost always shows up infriendship circles, especially,
especially among women.
Okay, um, and this is literally, literally, like all, rooted in
(01:34):
the sisterhood wound, right?
So the sisterhood wound is,it's not a wound for sisters,
it's actually the sisterhoodwound is actually a wound among
women where, you know, becauseof patriarchal conditioning,
like over centuries, we'velearned to compete with one
another.
(01:54):
We've learned to compete inorder to survive and be, you
know, manipulate each other andbe jealous of one another or
envious of one another or wantto outdo or outperform one
another because, literally, atsome point in time, our survival
depended on it.
Right?
And so for many of us, you know, we look at other women as
(02:18):
threat, we look at other womenas competition, we look at other
women as dangerous to our ownsuccess or survival or happiness
, right, and so you'll noticethat this behavior, the
shrinking ourselves in order tokeep the people around us
(02:39):
comfortable, shows up so much inwomen's circles.
Right, because, you know, godforbid we have the relationship
everybody else wants.
God forbid we lose the weightthat everybody else is trying to
lose.
God forbid we land the job that, you know, everybody else
(03:00):
didn't think that they could,even were even qualified to
apply for, and then now we'vegotten it and we've kind of been
made to feel bad for getting it.
Or like, what the hell did youdo to actually get that job?
Like now they're trying tojustify in their head what you
did to actually get it.
These are all ways that we teareach other down again and again
and again and oftentimes whatends up happening is, you know,
(03:25):
if you've been in situationswhere you lost friends, right
where it was really painful,where, um, you've lost
friendships, you know, maybefriends, um, you learned at a
very young age that you knowyour friends didn't like it when
you got too much attention fromboys or you did too well in
school, or you know you lookedreally good at the semi-formal
(03:49):
and you had a better outfit thanthem, or whatever.
You know, whatever it was, youknow, whenever you kind of got
the vibe that it wasn't okay foryou to shine, that it wasn't
okay for you to do well, toexcel, to succeed, to be loved,
to be celebrated, right, becauseit made them feel uncomfortable
(04:11):
, then you naturally might beinclined to start to shrink
yourself in order to not loseyour friends, to not be
abandoned, to not be left in,you know, in isolation or
loneliness, right, without thatfriendship there, that
companionship that you'velearned to depend on.
(04:32):
And oftentimes, you know, westart to shrink, we start to
play it down, we start to playdown our successes, we start to
want to hide our relationshipsbecause we feel like it's going
to be a sticking point.
Or we try to play down oursuccess or we try to come up
with weird justifications as towhy we were successful, because
(04:55):
we know it's such a stickingpoint for them.
You know it shows up so much infriendship circles, but again,
it can show up anywhere.
It can show up in, you know.
It can show up in romanticrelationships, it can show up in
the workplace.
You can even show up in familydynamics sometimes, where we,
you know, we don't want tooutshine the people who we love
because we're afraid it's goingto make them feel bad.
(05:15):
So we shrink ourselves in orderto not make them feel less than
you know.
These are all like codependentways that we've learned to love
each other and takeresponsibility for how other
people are feeling.
That's really one of the rootsin this we take.
One of the roots in this typeof behavior is that we take
responsibility for how otherpeople are feeling in their
(05:40):
disempowered state because we'renot recognizing that, hey, if
I'm doing well, they can do welltoo, and I can go out and do
well and be successful and feelgood about myself and make the
right choices and have thatgreat relationship and do all
the things that I want to do.
And instead of it being,instead of me seeing it as oh,
(06:02):
but they're going to feel badthat they don't, I can see it as
well.
If that's something that theywant, they can.
If I can have it, they can haveit too.
You know, um, so we it.
It kind of, you know, it's kindof how we see people in a
disempowered state and makeourselves responsible for other
people's emotional wellbeing,and that is a very.
It is toxic, it is a toxictrait, but it is something that
(06:26):
we've been taught to do,especially, I think, as women,
where we feel like we need totake responsibility.
And it's part of that nurturingtendency, right, we tend to
want to nurture people, andsomehow we've made nurturing
mean emotional housekeeping forother people, which is not,
which is not our responsibilityby any, by any means, like at
(06:51):
all.
Um, so that's part, you know,that's part of it, and I think
that's part that we need toreally think about and let go,
um, and often can be hard,because I think sometimes we've
been taught that that's what itmeans to be loving is to take
care of and nurture otherpeople's emotional well-being
and to do things that will beemotionally soothing or
(07:17):
comforting for the people aroundus.
And, yes, while I do believe ourrelationships do require a
certain amount of empathy fromus and, you know, really taking
into consideration the otherperson's feeling, I don't think
that that should be at theexpense of us holding ourselves
back, energetically speaking, orenergetically, mentally,
physically, emotionally, in anyway, shape or form.
(07:38):
Right, I don't think thatshould ever come at the expense
of holding ourselves back.
That creates an energeticimbalance.
That's basically saying yourfeelings are more important than
mine, how you feel is moreimportant than who.
It is that I am meant to be inthis world and how I am meant to
express myself, and therefore Iam putting you on a pedestal
and I am going to self-abandonand basically betray myself so
(08:00):
that I can take care of youremotional needs and make sure
that you feel good in thisconnection, so that I don't lose
it.
Um, is basically what's what'shappening and, again, like it
can happen in any type ofconnection, but I do see this so
much in friendships.
I've even done this in romanticrelationships where if I was
making more than my partner, Iwould want to not necessarily
(08:24):
hide what I was making, but itbecame a point of.
I kind of don't want to bringit up because I know it triggers
the fuck out of him to knowthat I make more money than he
does.
You know that was an issueright, I know that.
When you know I've had thatwith friendships.
When you know I lost, when Ilost a lot of weight, you know
it became very uncomfortable fora lot of my friends when I did
(08:47):
Um, when I started to get a lotof attention from guys.
A lot of my friends were reallyuncomfortable by this Um and it
.
It became very hard for them tohide it Like you could
literally see, like the theanger on their face when it
would happen Um.
I can remember the last time Igot a massive promotion at work.
(09:07):
One of my friends was basicallypassive, aggressively attacking
me for it Um, because it was aposition that she had been vying
for for so long and she wasn'table to land.
And then so when she found outthat I got it and actually like
kind of kind of went above andbeyond what it was that that she
(09:29):
was trying to get to.
It hit her hard, I think, andit became a very uncomfortable
like talking point for us.
Like every time thatconversation came up, it became
sticky and uncomfortable.
I didn't like it and I feltlike, you know, suddenly, like
here I was, you know we had thisgreat friendship, we had this
great connection, we had thisgreat chemistry All of a sudden
I'm getting all these passive,aggressive digs.
(09:50):
For, you know, doing well in mycareer and actually getting
something that I think I trulyfreaking deserve to get.
But you know, again, trulyfreaking, deserve to get.
But you know, again it becomes.
You know, when these situationscome up, it's never because they
want.
They don't come to it, becausethey don't make us feel that way
, because they want to attack us.
They make us feel that waybecause they're feeling small.
(10:12):
And so when somebody else isfeeling small, especially
somebody who's not in the habitof kind of, you know, stepping
away from these situations andyou know doing the inner
reflection Okay, well, why am Ifeeling this way and how can I
up, level myself?
Unfortunately, the unhealed wayto deal with this, especially
(10:32):
when it comes to the sisterhoodwound, is to kind of tear other
women down right To make themfeel bad, to make them feel like
they didn't deserve what theygot or, you know, they could
have done better or whatever itis, you know, making them sort
of leveling the playing field byknocking the other person down
(10:54):
instead of raising ourselves upright, the healed approach is to
raise ourselves up and say,okay, if I'm feeling less than
if I'm feeling disempowered inthis dynamic, how can I elevate
my experience and how I feelabout me, rather than tearing
somebody else down right, andthat's just, you know, that's
just human nature and we will dothat to one another, especially
(11:17):
in a wounded state.
The first inclination is totear the other person down so
that we can kind of level theplaying field right.
But you know, when you've kindof, you know, when you're you've
kind of moved past that andyou're a little bit more
emotionally evolved, you'll tendto, you'll tend to lean towards
(11:37):
okay, well, how can I elevatemyself instead of, you know,
tearing this person down?
For the most part, we all failsometimes.
Let's just face it, it is whatit is.
So, you know, when we look at,we have to look at the cost,
what it's costing us to shrinkourselves and play small to make
(11:58):
other people comfortable, right, and that's really what it
comes down to In the moment wedon't think it's a bad thing.
Like in the moment we're like,okay, I'm just gonna like I'm
just gonna like not look so good, or I'm just gonna like not
trying not get so attention fromguys all the time, or I'm just
gonna kind of downplay what I'mdoing at work or how much I'm
making, or you know how myproject is going, or you know
(12:23):
where they're talking aboutpromoting me next, or how
business is going.
Like we start to just like playall these things down.
So now we're hiding parts ofourselves, we're shrinking parts
of ourselves, we're lettingparts of ourselves be unseen.
So now we are alreadyself-abandoning because we're
basically saying I can't showthese parts of myself because
it's going to make this personuncomfortable, so I'm going to
(12:45):
shut the light on these aspectsof me.
So right now we've alreadyself-abandoned, we're already
rejecting parts of ourselves.
So we're already tellingourselves we're not good enough.
We're telling ourselves you,you're not allowed to shine too
much, you're not allowed to havetoo much.
You're not allowed to be toosuccessful.
You're not allowed to have toomuch of anything if it makes
somebody else uncomfortable.
(13:06):
So this is kind of what we'rewiring our brain into believing.
Okay, that's number one.
Number two we're showing up inour relationships as an
inauthentic version of ourselves.
So again, anytime we show up asan inauthentic version of
ourselves, it's because we'veprioritized their feelings over
our own, and what ends uphappening ultimately is we end
up burning ourselves out,because we're constantly having
(13:27):
to think about what we're saying, what we're doing, how we're
going to show up, and we'reconstantly in our head trying to
navigate that and and and andmanipulate like almost
manipulate ourselves to show upas the version that we think is
going to keep them emotionallybalanced, right and at ease.
And just that mental energy oftrying to figure out who to be,
(13:48):
who not to be, what to say, whatnot to say, what parts to show,
what parts not to show, isexhausting and it does breed
resentment because eventuallywe're going to be like you know
what, why can't I fucking bemyself?
Why can't I celebrate mysuccesses?
Why can't you be happy for mewhen things go well for me?
Like, why do I have to hide it.
You know what I mean.
So it'll just breed intougliness and resentment and
(14:08):
create toxicity in theirrelationship that you're not
looking for and that you're notwanting.
And third and most importantright, most, most most important
, beyond the, you know,self-rejection and the
self-abandonment, um, beyond the, you know, bringing toxicity
and imbalances into yourrelationship.
Beyond all of that is actuallythe impact that it's having on
(14:34):
who you're meant to be in theworld.
Like, if there are things thatare going well for you, that
make you feel good and, on topof the world, you're meant to
lean into those things.
Those things will energize you,those things will give you
power, they'll give you strength, they'll give you momentum,
they'll guide you to your nextstep, even if that's not the
thing.
Right, the things that light usup, that we do well, in that we
(14:56):
excel in, that the world iskind of like celebrating us for
and trying to nudge out of us,these are important to lean into
.
So if we're spending half ofour time downplaying these
things because they make peopleuncomfortable, we're going to be
in a serious, like not goodsituation.
(15:18):
Like we're going to be in asituation where we're literally
blocking ourselves from ourfuture, from our purpose, from
our abundance, from everythingit is that we're meant to be in
the world.
When I started this podcast,there was a lot of people that
were made uncomfortable by itand you know, a lot of people
were like, oh, you know, I wishI had oops, I hit my mic.
I wish I had the guts to dowhat you do.
I wish I, you know, I wish Icould you know, share, you know,
(15:41):
some of the stories.
I'd be too embarrassed, I'd betoo self-conscious.
How do you do it this and that?
And you know some people werecoming at it from a place of
curiosity.
You know the people who love me, you know, are excited for me,
you know they support me.
And then there was some peoplewho, you know, unfortunately,
were like who the hell do youthink you are to share your
story?
Like, why do you think you're,why do you think you're so
(16:04):
special that you should besharing your story on a podcast?
Like, why would anybody want tohear?
Why are you so important thatanybody would want to hear it?
Um, and you know what, so be it.
That's how they felt, right.
But I know, like I could haveeasily, I could have easily said
you know what you're right andkind of like bit my tongue not
(16:24):
shared as much or maybe sharedbut like, maybe, like you know,
pull the plug on the podcastaltogether or maybe, like you
know, kind of show up as a kindof muted version of myself.
So I didn't piss them off or Iwasn't out there and I wasn't
too bold, too honest, tooauthentic, too real to the point
where it made themuncomfortable.
(16:45):
And I think in the beginning Ikind of did that.
To be honest, I think in thebeginning it was and I don't
know if it was because of theparticular circle of friends
that I'm thinking about rightnow from back in the day, but I
do remember being almost, um,very reserved in, in, in, in the
(17:06):
first couple of seasons of thispodcast and being very, um,
holding back on a lot of detailand information, holding back on
a lot of my story.
Um, yeah, and only because youknow, I didn't know how a lot of
people were going to respond,how they were going to take it,
and there was some people withinmy vicinity that were.
There, were a lot of my friends, were very encouraging at the
(17:26):
time, but there was a lot ofpeople that were kind of mocking
it and kind of like making mefeel like, like who are you to
share that?
Like I said right, like who areyou to?
Who are you to have a podcast?
Who gives a shit?
Think like you're.
You're like.
I remember this guy telling meonce like um, I can't remember
the words that he used, but, wow, you think you would think
really, you must think reallyhighly of yourself to, to, to
(17:49):
share um your story and think itmatters he was one of the
douchebags, by the way, fyi, um.
And so I think in the beginning, like I, I think in the
beginning, like like what he hadsaid really got in my head and
I was really like letting itlike kind of hold me back from
from really speaking and puttingmyself out there and letting
(18:09):
myself be fully seen and fullyheard, because in my head that
was playing like who are you tolike to show up?
Like that, like you know, toneit down a notch, turn down the
volume, don't be so loud, don'tbe so authentic, don't be, you
know, and you know, eventually,like, this podcast totally
(18:30):
healed me because eventually Iwas able to kind of, you know,
lean into what feltuncomfortable to talk about,
lean into taking up more space,lean into being more myself and
sharing more of my thoughts andmy story and my opinion and what
I've learned and what, and mystory and my opinion and what
I've learned and what triggeredme and what hurt me and how I
evolved through the process.
Right, just imagine just forlike a minute, like what that
(18:51):
would have cost me if I, youknow, didn't lean into that
discomfort, because I'll tellyou right now, starting this
podcast like transformed me inso many ways, and not just that
like like it's actually impactedthe lives of other women who
have listened to it, who havelistened to my story, who have
learned from my experiences, whohave learned something from
(19:12):
what I've had to share and whatI've learned along the way.
You know, and the podcastitself didn't start growing
until I started to lean into thediscomfort and still, until I
started to actually like bewilling to not fit into what
made everybody else around menot shrink myself to to make
(19:32):
everybody else me around me feeluncomfortable.
Right, it didn't start growinguntil I really gave myself the
permission to fully show up, tofully share my story
unapologetically, to take upspace to share my truth, to
share my opinions, myheartbreaks, my learnings, my
(19:55):
aha moments, even if it madeother people uncomfortable, even
if, you know other people maybethought it was too much or I
needed to tone it down or Ineeded.
If you know other people maybethought it was too much or I
needed to tone it down or Ineeded to, you know shut the
fuck up Right.
And you know remember, like,like, you know try and put me,
like, try and try and put me ina place where that was held,
holding me, making me feel likeI needed to be smaller and and
(20:17):
and, and you know, shy away fromthe opportunity to, to, to
really let myself be seen.
I had to, like, lean into allof that discomfort and then, and
only then, did the podcaststart growing.
Only then, and only then, didpeople, like followers, start
coming in.
My downloads started toincrease, you know, and it
(20:38):
literally went from a podcastthat was like nobody was
listening to to now it's top 10%worldwide.
This podcast has been listenedto in almost 100 different
countries, in 1,000 differentcities.
Literally, we're talkinghundreds of downloads every
(20:59):
single month, and all because Iwas able to lean into the
discomfort of people telling mewho the hell are you to be
sharing your story and taking upall this space and letting
yourself be seen Like who areyou to think that you can do
that?
You know, or it makes meuncomfortable to think that you
can do that, or whatever thestory was, whether it was a
(21:21):
friend or that, that guy orwhoever was trying to make me
feel like I had no right to takeup so much space, to turn up
the volume so much on who I wasand what I wanted to share with
the world.
Like, if I listened to that,none of this would would would
be happening right now, and thisis only the beginning.
This is only because podcast isliterally growing each and
(21:43):
every week, week over week.
Like I'm so blessed to have thispodcast and this platform.
Um, it has brought so muchhealing into my life and you
know it is.
It's the one thing that hasreally helped me to truly find
my voice, um, and for that I amso grateful.
And it's still like the path isstill unfolding, like who knows
(22:03):
where this ends.
But I'm just so thankful that Ididn't listen to all those
voices, both internally andexternally, that kept telling me
I shouldn't stand out so much,I shouldn't take up so much
space.
I shouldn't be so loud, Ishouldn't be so vulnerable.
I shouldn't stand out so much,I shouldn't take up so much
(22:23):
space.
I shouldn't be so loud, Ishouldn't be so vulnerable, I
shouldn't be so honest, Ishouldn't be so transparent.
I should hide this part andhide that part and tone that
down and take up less space here.
Like, I am so grateful that Idid not listen to all of that
noise that was going on as I wasmoving through putting this
podcast out in the world.
So that was going on as I wasmoving through putting this
(22:45):
podcast out in the world.
So, and I truly, truly believethat this is my purpose, you
know, um, whether or not I'll beable to, like you know, make it
like a full-time career, whichup until this point, I have not
been able to do, um, but youknow who's to say that it won't
be one day, you know, and and tosay, you know whether or not
it's a full-time career for meat this point, it is still my
(23:07):
fucking purpose.
And I know that, and I knowthat without a shadow of a doubt
, that I am meant to be speakingto you guys, that I meant to be
sharing my story with you guysthat I meant to be.
Sharing what I've learned withyou guys.
Um, and you know, the more openand the more honest and the
more authentic that I cancontinue to challenge myself to
(23:27):
be, the better it is for myselfand the better it is for you
guys, and that is something thatI am so fucking grateful for.
I, like I just cannot stopthanking my lucky stars that I
had the courage to not shrinkmyself, because if I had, none
of this would be real, and thisgives me so much joy and so much
(23:48):
fulfillment and so much passion, because it is, it is my
creative inspiration thatchannels when we do these
episodes.
So, um, you know, there's a hugeprice to pay for staying in
relationships, or for not evenjust staying, but just choosing
to shrink yourself to fit intosomebody else's story, to keep
(24:09):
other people around youcomfortable.
There's a huge, massive priceto pay for doing that, and I
want you to think about that andI know it's going to be
uncomfortable at first to leaninto not shrinking yourself and
giving yourself permission totake up space and voice your
opinion and share your authenticself with the world.
I know it's going to beuncomfortable, but every time
(24:30):
you have to ask yourself am Iwilling to do this?
And let it feel a little bituncomfortable and you'll do a
little bit at a time, you don't.
You don't have to rip thebandaid off and suddenly you
know, I didn't just get up oneday and decided that I was going
to be fully authentic.
I still don't know if I'm evenbeing fully authentic, to be
honest, like I still have towonder sometimes if I'm not
holding certain parts back.
Still, right, it's a slowevolution.
(24:51):
Right, you take one tiny stepat a time to show up more
authentically and more fully asyourself.
So if you can take that onelittle tiny, uncomfortable step
at a time, it's not so scary,you know, and you have to
consider the price on the otherside if you don't Uncomfortable
and resentful, toxicrelationships, feeling unworthy
because you've rejected parts ofyourself and you told yourself,
(25:14):
you've taught yourself that no,these parts are good.
We need to hide them, dim themdown, keep them from the world
because they make other peoplefeel uncomfortable and, above
all, like your purpose and yourfulfillment for being who you're
meant to be and move throughlife the way you've been
designed to.
You know, holding that part.
That is your essence, that isyour life force energy.
(25:35):
It is so expensive, even if itdoesn't reward you monetarily.
It is your energy and you haveto that is more valuable than
anything else that you can putout there in the world.
And so shrinking yourself andshrinking your essence and
holding yourself back is such aninjustice, not just to you and
to who you were created to be,but to the people who you were
(25:56):
meant to impact, whether that'syour own inner circle, your town
, your community, your family.
You know, each and every one ofus, I believe, has a purpose,
and if we're constantlyshrinking ourselves and holding
ourselves back or dimming ourlight or, you know, silencing
our voice, we're never going todo what we were created to do.
We're never going to fulfillthat purpose we were created to
(26:18):
fulfill, purpose we were createdto fulfill, and you know that
that, to me, is the biggestinjustice of all of it.
So do the uncomfortable thing.
Take one tiny step at a timebeing more yourself, taking up
more space, being louder, beingbolder, being more authentic,
being more vulnerable, beingmore you.
(26:38):
And you know people may feeluncomfortable along the way, and
that's okay, and it's going tofeel uncomfortable for you too,
but each step you take is goingto help you evolve into the
person that you were created tobe in, the person that you have
been hiding for so long andreally and I should this is my
belief take it or leave it.
I believe that the person thatwe were created to be is exactly
(27:00):
the medicine this world needsin one way, shape or form, and
so when we don't do that, we'reactually doing a disservice to
the world around us, because wewere sent here to fulfill a
purpose.
I truly believe that, and Ibelieve that that purpose is
written in our heart, and Ibelieve that purpose is fully
(27:21):
expressed when we allowourselves to be unapologetic
about who we are and to fullyexpress ourselves and to take up
space and to share what thatthing is that we've been given
to be, do and express in theworld.
I truly believe that when we dothat, everyone benefits and if
we don't, everyone pays theprice in some way, shape or form
(27:43):
.
You know whether it's.
You know in this case, you knowmaybe it's just.
You know finding some comfortin knowing that you're not the
only one who's struggling withrelationships out there, or
finding, maybe finding sometools or some advice that can
help you break some of yourtoxic relationship patterns.
Like, imagine had I not donethis.
Imagine for a second like, ohmy God, I don't even want to.
I don't even want to go there,because this podcast means so
(28:04):
much to me.
So take that, let that sink in.
Let me know in the comments,wherever you're seeing this,
which part resonated for you andwhat you take away from this.
And if you love this episode,please, please, please, please,
leave a positive rating andreview on Spotify or iTunes or
wherever you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to
the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you here Today.
We're gonna kind of piggybackon what we talked about in the
last episode.
I'm actually recording thisright like I recorded them both
back to back.
I'm in the same outfit.
I have not done a wardrobechange, so, no, I'm not wearing
the same outfit all week, fyi.
So I kind of wanted topiggyback on what we talked
(00:22):
about last episode, which youknow.
We talked about this naturalinclination to always feel like
we need to earn love.
I want to specifically talkabout how we sometimes shrink
ourselves to earn love, to fitinto somebody else's story or to
show up in a way that makesother people comfortable, and
(00:44):
this is probably the mostdangerous.
And if you're on this journeyand if you're listening to my
podcast and if you followed mefor a while, this is probably
something you know.
Beyond the people pleasing, theovergiving and the self this is
a form of self-abandonment isthe shrinking.
So this is this shows up a lotin partnerships, yes, but it's
(01:09):
also predominantly you know, itpredominantly shows up in the
workplace, it predominantlyshows up in family dynamics and
it almost always shows up infriendship circles, especially,
especially among women.
Okay, um, and this is literally, literally, like all, rooted in
(01:34):
the sisterhood wound, right?
So the sisterhood wound is,it's not a wound for sisters,
it's actually the sisterhoodwound is actually a wound among
women where, you know, becauseof patriarchal conditioning,
like over centuries, we'velearned to compete with one
another.
(01:54):
We've learned to compete inorder to survive and be, you
know, manipulate each other andbe jealous of one another or
envious of one another or wantto outdo or outperform one
another because, literally, atsome point in time, our survival
depended on it.
Right?
And so for many of us, you know, we look at other women as
(02:18):
threat, we look at other womenas competition, we look at other
women as dangerous to our ownsuccess or survival or happiness
, right, and so you'll noticethat this behavior, the
shrinking ourselves in order tokeep the people around us
(02:39):
comfortable, shows up so much inwomen's circles.
Right, because, you know, godforbid we have the relationship
everybody else wants.
God forbid we lose the weightthat everybody else is trying to
lose.
God forbid we land the job that, you know, everybody else
(03:00):
didn't think that they could,even were even qualified to
apply for, and then now we'vegotten it and we've kind of been
made to feel bad for getting it.
Or like, what the hell did youdo to actually get that job?
Like now they're trying tojustify in their head what you
did to actually get it.
These are all ways that we teareach other down again and again
and again and oftentimes whatends up happening is, you know,
(03:25):
if you've been in situationswhere you lost friends, right
where it was really painful,where, um, you've lost
friendships, you know, maybefriends, um, you learned at a
very young age that you knowyour friends didn't like it when
you got too much attention fromboys or you did too well in
school, or you know you lookedreally good at the semi-formal
(03:49):
and you had a better outfit thanthem, or whatever.
You know, whatever it was, youknow, whenever you kind of got
the vibe that it wasn't okay foryou to shine, that it wasn't
okay for you to do well, toexcel, to succeed, to be loved,
to be celebrated, right, becauseit made them feel uncomfortable
(04:11):
, then you naturally might beinclined to start to shrink
yourself in order to not loseyour friends, to not be
abandoned, to not be left in,you know, in isolation or
loneliness, right, without thatfriendship there, that
companionship that you'velearned to depend on.
(04:32):
And oftentimes, you know, westart to shrink, we start to
play it down, we start to playdown our successes, we start to
want to hide our relationshipsbecause we feel like it's going
to be a sticking point.
Or we try to play down oursuccess or we try to come up
with weird justifications as towhy we were successful, because
(04:55):
we know it's such a stickingpoint for them.
You know it shows up so much infriendship circles, but again,
it can show up anywhere.
It can show up in, you know.
It can show up in romanticrelationships, it can show up in
the workplace.
You can even show up in familydynamics sometimes, where we,
you know, we don't want tooutshine the people who we love
because we're afraid it's goingto make them feel bad.
(05:15):
So we shrink ourselves in orderto not make them feel less than
you know.
These are all like codependentways that we've learned to love
each other and takeresponsibility for how other
people are feeling.
That's really one of the rootsin this we take.
One of the roots in this typeof behavior is that we take
responsibility for how otherpeople are feeling in their
(05:40):
disempowered state because we'renot recognizing that, hey, if
I'm doing well, they can do welltoo, and I can go out and do
well and be successful and feelgood about myself and make the
right choices and have thatgreat relationship and do all
the things that I want to do.
And instead of it being,instead of me seeing it as oh,
(06:02):
but they're going to feel badthat they don't, I can see it as
well.
If that's something that theywant, they can.
If I can have it, they can haveit too.
You know, um, so we it.
It kind of, you know, it's kindof how we see people in a
disempowered state and makeourselves responsible for other
people's emotional wellbeing,and that is a very.
It is toxic, it is a toxictrait, but it is something that
(06:26):
we've been taught to do,especially, I think, as women,
where we feel like we need totake responsibility.
And it's part of that nurturingtendency, right, we tend to
want to nurture people, andsomehow we've made nurturing
mean emotional housekeeping forother people, which is not,
which is not our responsibilityby any, by any means, like at
(06:51):
all.
Um, so that's part, you know,that's part of it, and I think
that's part that we need toreally think about and let go,
um, and often can be hard,because I think sometimes we've
been taught that that's what itmeans to be loving is to take
care of and nurture otherpeople's emotional well-being
and to do things that will beemotionally soothing or
(07:17):
comforting for the people aroundus.
And, yes, while I do believe ourrelationships do require a
certain amount of empathy fromus and, you know, really taking
into consideration the otherperson's feeling, I don't think
that that should be at theexpense of us holding ourselves
back, energetically speaking, orenergetically, mentally,
physically, emotionally, in anyway, shape or form.
(07:38):
Right, I don't think thatshould ever come at the expense
of holding ourselves back.
That creates an energeticimbalance.
That's basically saying yourfeelings are more important than
mine, how you feel is moreimportant than who.
It is that I am meant to be inthis world and how I am meant to
express myself, and therefore Iam putting you on a pedestal
and I am going to self-abandonand basically betray myself so
(08:00):
that I can take care of youremotional needs and make sure
that you feel good in thisconnection, so that I don't lose
it.
Um, is basically what's what'shappening and, again, like it
can happen in any type ofconnection, but I do see this so
much in friendships.
I've even done this in romanticrelationships where if I was
making more than my partner, Iwould want to not necessarily
(08:24):
hide what I was making, but itbecame a point of.
I kind of don't want to bringit up because I know it triggers
the fuck out of him to knowthat I make more money than he
does.
You know that was an issueright, I know that.
When you know I've had thatwith friendships.
When you know I lost, when Ilost a lot of weight, you know
it became very uncomfortable fora lot of my friends when I did
(08:47):
Um, when I started to get a lotof attention from guys.
A lot of my friends were reallyuncomfortable by this Um and it
.
It became very hard for them tohide it Like you could
literally see, like the theanger on their face when it
would happen Um.
I can remember the last time Igot a massive promotion at work.
(09:07):
One of my friends was basicallypassive, aggressively attacking
me for it Um, because it was aposition that she had been vying
for for so long and she wasn'table to land.
And then so when she found outthat I got it and actually like
kind of kind of went above andbeyond what it was that that she
(09:29):
was trying to get to.
It hit her hard, I think, andit became a very uncomfortable
like talking point for us.
Like every time thatconversation came up, it became
sticky and uncomfortable.
I didn't like it and I feltlike, you know, suddenly, like
here I was, you know we had thisgreat friendship, we had this
great connection, we had thisgreat chemistry All of a sudden
I'm getting all these passive,aggressive digs.
(09:50):
For, you know, doing well in mycareer and actually getting
something that I think I trulyfreaking deserve to get.
But you know, again, trulyfreaking, deserve to get.
But you know, again it becomes.
You know, when these situationscome up, it's never because they
want.
They don't come to it, becausethey don't make us feel that way
, because they want to attack us.
They make us feel that waybecause they're feeling small.
(10:12):
And so when somebody else isfeeling small, especially
somebody who's not in the habitof kind of, you know, stepping
away from these situations andyou know doing the inner
reflection Okay, well, why am Ifeeling this way and how can I
up, level myself?
Unfortunately, the unhealed wayto deal with this, especially
(10:32):
when it comes to the sisterhoodwound, is to kind of tear other
women down right To make themfeel bad, to make them feel like
they didn't deserve what theygot or, you know, they could
have done better or whatever itis, you know, making them sort
of leveling the playing field byknocking the other person down
(10:54):
instead of raising ourselves upright, the healed approach is to
raise ourselves up and say,okay, if I'm feeling less than
if I'm feeling disempowered inthis dynamic, how can I elevate
my experience and how I feelabout me, rather than tearing
somebody else down right, andthat's just, you know, that's
just human nature and we will dothat to one another, especially
(11:17):
in a wounded state.
The first inclination is totear the other person down so
that we can kind of level theplaying field right.
But you know, when you've kindof, you know, when you're you've
kind of moved past that andyou're a little bit more
emotionally evolved, you'll tendto, you'll tend to lean towards
(11:37):
okay, well, how can I elevatemyself instead of, you know,
tearing this person down?
For the most part, we all failsometimes.
Let's just face it, it is whatit is.
So, you know, when we look at,we have to look at the cost,
what it's costing us to shrinkourselves and play small to make
(11:58):
other people comfortable, right, and that's really what it
comes down to In the moment wedon't think it's a bad thing.
Like in the moment we're like,okay, I'm just gonna like I'm
just gonna like not look so good, or I'm just gonna like not
trying not get so attention fromguys all the time, or I'm just
gonna kind of downplay what I'mdoing at work or how much I'm
making, or you know how myproject is going, or you know
(12:23):
where they're talking aboutpromoting me next, or how
business is going.
Like we start to just like playall these things down.
So now we're hiding parts ofourselves, we're shrinking parts
of ourselves, we're lettingparts of ourselves be unseen.
So now we are alreadyself-abandoning because we're
basically saying I can't showthese parts of myself because
it's going to make this personuncomfortable, so I'm going to
(12:45):
shut the light on these aspectsof me.
So right now we've alreadyself-abandoned, we're already
rejecting parts of ourselves.
So we're already tellingourselves we're not good enough.
We're telling ourselves you,you're not allowed to shine too
much, you're not allowed to havetoo much.
You're not allowed to be toosuccessful.
You're not allowed to have toomuch of anything if it makes
somebody else uncomfortable.
(13:06):
So this is kind of what we'rewiring our brain into believing.
Okay, that's number one.
Number two we're showing up inour relationships as an
inauthentic version of ourselves.
So again, anytime we show up asan inauthentic version of
ourselves, it's because we'veprioritized their feelings over
our own, and what ends uphappening ultimately is we end
up burning ourselves out,because we're constantly having
(13:27):
to think about what we're saying, what we're doing, how we're
going to show up, and we'reconstantly in our head trying to
navigate that and and and andmanipulate like almost
manipulate ourselves to show upas the version that we think is
going to keep them emotionallybalanced, right and at ease.
And just that mental energy oftrying to figure out who to be,
(13:48):
who not to be, what to say, whatnot to say, what parts to show,
what parts not to show, isexhausting and it does breed
resentment because eventuallywe're going to be like you know
what, why can't I fucking bemyself?
Why can't I celebrate mysuccesses?
Why can't you be happy for mewhen things go well for me?
Like, why do I have to hide it.
You know what I mean.
So it'll just breed intougliness and resentment and
(14:08):
create toxicity in theirrelationship that you're not
looking for and that you're notwanting.
And third and most importantright, most, most most important
, beyond the, you know,self-rejection and the
self-abandonment, um, beyond the, you know, bringing toxicity
and imbalances into yourrelationship.
Beyond all of that is actuallythe impact that it's having on
(14:34):
who you're meant to be in theworld.
Like, if there are things thatare going well for you, that
make you feel good and, on topof the world, you're meant to
lean into those things.
Those things will energize you,those things will give you
power, they'll give you strength, they'll give you momentum,
they'll guide you to your nextstep, even if that's not the
thing.
Right, the things that light usup, that we do well, in that we
(14:56):
excel in, that the world iskind of like celebrating us for
and trying to nudge out of us,these are important to lean into
.
So if we're spending half ofour time downplaying these
things because they make peopleuncomfortable, we're going to be
in a serious, like not goodsituation.
(15:18):
Like we're going to be in asituation where we're literally
blocking ourselves from ourfuture, from our purpose, from
our abundance, from everythingit is that we're meant to be in
the world.
When I started this podcast,there was a lot of people that
were made uncomfortable by itand you know, a lot of people
were like, oh, you know, I wishI had oops, I hit my mic.
I wish I had the guts to dowhat you do.
I wish I, you know, I wish Icould you know, share, you know,
(15:41):
some of the stories.
I'd be too embarrassed, I'd betoo self-conscious.
How do you do it this and that?
And you know some people werecoming at it from a place of
curiosity.
You know the people who love me, you know, are excited for me,
you know they support me.
And then there was some peoplewho, you know, unfortunately,
were like who the hell do youthink you are to share your
story?
Like, why do you think you're,why do you think you're so
(16:04):
special that you should besharing your story on a podcast?
Like, why would anybody want tohear?
Why are you so important thatanybody would want to hear it?
Um, and you know what, so be it.
That's how they felt, right.
But I know, like I could haveeasily, I could have easily said
you know what you're right andkind of like bit my tongue not
(16:24):
shared as much or maybe sharedbut like, maybe, like you know,
pull the plug on the podcastaltogether or maybe, like you
know, kind of show up as a kindof muted version of myself.
So I didn't piss them off or Iwasn't out there and I wasn't
too bold, too honest, tooauthentic, too real to the point
where it made themuncomfortable.
(16:45):
And I think in the beginning Ikind of did that.
To be honest, I think in thebeginning it was and I don't
know if it was because of theparticular circle of friends
that I'm thinking about rightnow from back in the day, but I
do remember being almost, um,very reserved in, in, in, in the
(17:06):
first couple of seasons of thispodcast and being very, um,
holding back on a lot of detailand information, holding back on
a lot of my story.
Um, yeah, and only because youknow, I didn't know how a lot of
people were going to respond,how they were going to take it,
and there was some people withinmy vicinity that were.
There, were a lot of my friends, were very encouraging at the
(17:26):
time, but there was a lot ofpeople that were kind of mocking
it and kind of like making mefeel like, like who are you to
share that?
Like I said right, like who areyou to?
Who are you to have a podcast?
Who gives a shit?
Think like you're.
You're like.
I remember this guy telling meonce like um, I can't remember
the words that he used, but, wow, you think you would think
really, you must think reallyhighly of yourself to, to, to
(17:49):
share um your story and think itmatters he was one of the
douchebags, by the way, fyi, um.
And so I think in the beginning, like I, I think in the
beginning, like like what he hadsaid really got in my head and
I was really like letting itlike kind of hold me back from
from really speaking and puttingmyself out there and letting
(18:09):
myself be fully seen and fullyheard, because in my head that
was playing like who are you tolike to show up?
Like that, like you know, toneit down a notch, turn down the
volume, don't be so loud, don'tbe so authentic, don't be, you
know, and you know, eventually,like, this podcast totally
(18:30):
healed me because eventually Iwas able to kind of, you know,
lean into what feltuncomfortable to talk about,
lean into taking up more space,lean into being more myself and
sharing more of my thoughts andmy story and my opinion and what
I've learned and what, and mystory and my opinion and what
I've learned and what triggeredme and what hurt me and how I
evolved through the process.
Right, just imagine just forlike a minute, like what that
(18:51):
would have cost me if I, youknow, didn't lean into that
discomfort, because I'll tellyou right now, starting this
podcast like transformed me inso many ways, and not just that
like like it's actually impactedthe lives of other women who
have listened to it, who havelistened to my story, who have
learned from my experiences, whohave learned something from
(19:12):
what I've had to share and whatI've learned along the way.
You know, and the podcastitself didn't start growing
until I started to lean into thediscomfort and still, until I
started to actually like bewilling to not fit into what
made everybody else around menot shrink myself to to make
(19:32):
everybody else me around me feeluncomfortable.
Right, it didn't start growinguntil I really gave myself the
permission to fully show up, tofully share my story
unapologetically, to take upspace to share my truth, to
share my opinions, myheartbreaks, my learnings, my
(19:55):
aha moments, even if it madeother people uncomfortable, even
if, you know other people maybethought it was too much or I
needed to tone it down or Ineeded.
If you know other people maybethought it was too much or I
needed to tone it down or Ineeded to, you know shut the
fuck up Right.
And you know remember, like,like, you know try and put me,
like, try and try and put me ina place where that was held,
holding me, making me feel likeI needed to be smaller and and
(20:17):
and, and you know, shy away fromthe opportunity to, to, to
really let myself be seen.
I had to, like, lean into allof that discomfort and then, and
only then, did the podcaststart growing.
Only then, and only then, didpeople, like followers, start
coming in.
My downloads started toincrease, you know, and it
(20:38):
literally went from a podcastthat was like nobody was
listening to to now it's top 10%worldwide.
This podcast has been listenedto in almost 100 different
countries, in 1,000 differentcities.
Literally, we're talkinghundreds of downloads every
(20:59):
single month, and all because Iwas able to lean into the
discomfort of people telling mewho the hell are you to be
sharing your story and taking upall this space and letting
yourself be seen Like who areyou to think that you can do
that?
You know, or it makes meuncomfortable to think that you
can do that, or whatever thestory was, whether it was a
(21:21):
friend or that, that guy orwhoever was trying to make me
feel like I had no right to takeup so much space, to turn up
the volume so much on who I wasand what I wanted to share with
the world.
Like, if I listened to that,none of this would would would
be happening right now, and thisis only the beginning.
This is only because podcast isliterally growing each and
(21:43):
every week, week over week.
Like I'm so blessed to have thispodcast and this platform.
Um, it has brought so muchhealing into my life and you
know it is.
It's the one thing that hasreally helped me to truly find
my voice, um, and for that I amso grateful.
And it's still like the path isstill unfolding, like who knows
(22:03):
where this ends.
But I'm just so thankful that Ididn't listen to all those
voices, both internally andexternally, that kept telling me
I shouldn't stand out so much,I shouldn't take up so much
space.
I shouldn't be so loud, Ishouldn't be so vulnerable.
I shouldn't stand out so much,I shouldn't take up so much
(22:23):
space.
I shouldn't be so loud, Ishouldn't be so vulnerable, I
shouldn't be so honest, Ishouldn't be so transparent.
I should hide this part andhide that part and tone that
down and take up less space here.
Like, I am so grateful that Idid not listen to all of that
noise that was going on as I wasmoving through putting this
podcast out in the world.
So that was going on as I wasmoving through putting this
(22:45):
podcast out in the world.
So, and I truly, truly believethat this is my purpose, you
know, um, whether or not I'll beable to, like you know, make it
like a full-time career, whichup until this point, I have not
been able to do, um, but youknow who's to say that it won't
be one day, you know, and and tosay, you know whether or not
it's a full-time career for meat this point, it is still my
(23:07):
fucking purpose.
And I know that, and I knowthat without a shadow of a doubt
, that I am meant to be speakingto you guys, that I meant to be
sharing my story with you guysthat I meant to be.
Sharing what I've learned withyou guys.
Um, and you know, the more openand the more honest and the
more authentic that I cancontinue to challenge myself to
(23:27):
be, the better it is for myselfand the better it is for you
guys, and that is something thatI am so fucking grateful for.
I, like I just cannot stopthanking my lucky stars that I
had the courage to not shrinkmyself, because if I had, none
of this would be real, and thisgives me so much joy and so much
(23:48):
fulfillment and so much passion, because it is, it is my
creative inspiration thatchannels when we do these
episodes.
So, um, you know, there's a hugeprice to pay for staying in
relationships, or for not evenjust staying, but just choosing
to shrink yourself to fit intosomebody else's story, to keep
(24:09):
other people around youcomfortable.
There's a huge, massive priceto pay for doing that, and I
want you to think about that andI know it's going to be
uncomfortable at first to leaninto not shrinking yourself and
giving yourself permission totake up space and voice your
opinion and share your authenticself with the world.
I know it's going to beuncomfortable, but every time
(24:30):
you have to ask yourself am Iwilling to do this?
And let it feel a little bituncomfortable and you'll do a
little bit at a time, you don't.
You don't have to rip thebandaid off and suddenly you
know, I didn't just get up oneday and decided that I was going
to be fully authentic.
I still don't know if I'm evenbeing fully authentic, to be
honest, like I still have towonder sometimes if I'm not
holding certain parts back.
Still, right, it's a slowevolution.
(24:51):
Right, you take one tiny stepat a time to show up more
authentically and more fully asyourself.
So if you can take that onelittle tiny, uncomfortable step
at a time, it's not so scary,you know, and you have to
consider the price on the otherside if you don't Uncomfortable
and resentful, toxicrelationships, feeling unworthy
because you've rejected parts ofyourself and you told yourself,
(25:14):
you've taught yourself that no,these parts are good.
We need to hide them, dim themdown, keep them from the world
because they make other peoplefeel uncomfortable and, above
all, like your purpose and yourfulfillment for being who you're
meant to be and move throughlife the way you've been
designed to.
You know, holding that part.
That is your essence, that isyour life force energy.
(25:35):
It is so expensive, even if itdoesn't reward you monetarily.
It is your energy and you haveto that is more valuable than
anything else that you can putout there in the world.
And so shrinking yourself andshrinking your essence and
holding yourself back is such aninjustice, not just to you and
to who you were created to be,but to the people who you were
(25:56):
meant to impact, whether that'syour own inner circle, your town
, your community, your family.
You know, each and every one ofus, I believe, has a purpose,
and if we're constantlyshrinking ourselves and holding
ourselves back or dimming ourlight or, you know, silencing
our voice, we're never going todo what we were created to do.
We're never going to fulfillthat purpose we were created to
(26:18):
fulfill, purpose we were createdto fulfill, and you know that
that, to me, is the biggestinjustice of all of it.
So do the uncomfortable thing.
Take one tiny step at a timebeing more yourself, taking up
more space, being louder, beingbolder, being more authentic,
being more vulnerable, beingmore you.
(26:38):
And you know people may feeluncomfortable along the way, and
that's okay, and it's going tofeel uncomfortable for you too,
but each step you take is goingto help you evolve into the
person that you were created tobe in, the person that you have
been hiding for so long andreally and I should this is my
belief take it or leave it.
I believe that the person thatwe were created to be is exactly
(27:00):
the medicine this world needsin one way, shape or form, and
so when we don't do that, we'reactually doing a disservice to
the world around us, because wewere sent here to fulfill a
purpose.
I truly believe that, and Ibelieve that that purpose is
written in our heart, and Ibelieve that purpose is fully
(27:21):
expressed when we allowourselves to be unapologetic
about who we are and to fullyexpress ourselves and to take up
space and to share what thatthing is that we've been given
to be, do and express in theworld.
I truly believe that when we dothat, everyone benefits and if
we don't, everyone pays theprice in some way, shape or form
(27:43):
.
You know whether it's.
You know in this case, you knowmaybe it's just.
You know finding some comfortin knowing that you're not the
only one who's struggling withrelationships out there, or
finding, maybe finding sometools or some advice that can
help you break some of yourtoxic relationship patterns.
Like, imagine had I not donethis.
Imagine for a second like, ohmy God, I don't even want to.
I don't even want to go there,because this podcast means so
(28:04):
much to me.
So take that, let that sink in.
Let me know in the comments,wherever you're seeing this,
which part resonated for you andwhat you take away from this.
And if you love this episode,please, please, please, please,
leave a positive rating andreview on Spotify or iTunes or
wherever you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
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