It hit me like a lightning bolt:
"That’s it. I’m done. I have nothing left to give."
That moment marked the end of chasing, shape-shifting, and settling. What I thought would be a short break from dating spiraled into a seven-year relationship hiatus—not out of bitterness, but out of something far more sacred: a call to come home to myself.
In this deeply vulnerable episode of The Femme Cast, I share the truth behind my unexpected journey into singlehood. No, I didn’t plan to be single for seven years—but what started as a timeout turned into the most profound spiritual initiation and self-reclamation I’ve ever experienced.
If you’ve ever found yourself overgiving, constantly seeking approval, or shrinking your truth to avoid abandonment, this episode is your mirror. Your invitation. Your medicine.
We explore:
- The exact moment I reached emotional rock bottom—and chose me
- Why I stopped trying to “be chosen” and started choosing myself
- How I reclaimed my energy, voice, and purpose by opting out of relationships
- The surprising gifts that emerged when I stopped performing for love
- How this sacred pause helped me reconnect with my power, passion, and worth
- Why intentional singlehood is the healing portal every over-giver needs
- The slow, messy, beautiful journey back into dating as a fully expressed woman
- And how becoming unavailable for crumbs made me a magnet for emotionally available love
This is not just my story—it’s a blueprint for every woman who’s ever lost herself in love. And it’s not about swearing off connection. It’s about never abandoning yourself again in the name of it.
And when you learn to source your safety, validation, and joy from within, you stop settling. And you attract the kind of love that meets you there.
If you’ve ever said “I have nothing left to give,” this episode is for you.
Because your self-worth isn’t up for negotiation—and neither is your peace.
Let's do this.
PS: Stop begging to be chosen. Choose yourself instead.
You’re not here to beg, chase, or perform for the bare minimum.
You’re here to reclaim your power and become magnetic to real, soul-aligned love, success, and abundance.
Reclaim the version of you that never had to beg to be chosen.
Book your 90-minute Sacred Reclamation Intensive.
But fair warning—authentic connections, aligned opportunities, and breakthroughs in love, money, and purpose are inevitable.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the Femcast.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
This is probably the mosttransformative story of my life
and even though we're going totalk about it here today, we
talked about it before.
But it was a decision that Imade to go on a relationship
(00:22):
hiatus.
My relationship hiatus wasseven years now.
I didn't intentionally set outto say hey, I'm cutting off
relationships for seven years.
Brb wasn't like that at all.
It was just a okay, I'm takinga break from relationships.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm exhausted.
I remember them.
I remember the moment so clearly.
I remember thinking that's it,I fucking had it.
(00:42):
I'm exhausted.
I've been giving all my energy,all parts of me, all my heart,
all my mind, all my thoughtpatterns, everything into all
these like relationships thatwere giving me nothing in return
.
I can't do it anymore.
I'm done.
I just want to focus on myselfright now.
I'm just going to be focusingon myself.
I don't give a shit aboutanybody else or who comes along
(01:04):
or what.
This is, this is, this is myturn now.
It's me time now, and I canremember it so clearly.
Like it's crazy and I feel likeyou know, I really felt
something shift in me that dayand I think you know I never.
You know people always ask mewell, did you plan to be like at
(01:24):
a relationship for seven?
No, I didn't put a number to it, I didn't say I'm taking a
break from the relationship forseven years.
You know, I kind of said takinga break, be back soon.
You know, I'll be back when it,when it feels like the right
time.
And it just never felt like theright time until seven years
later I was like, okay, you knowwhat I think?
I think I'm ready to startletting people back in again,
(01:46):
but even then it's been kind oflike letting people in and then
closing the door again, lettingpeople in and closing the door
again.
So it's not like it's been avery slow transition back into,
you know, being fully open to arelationship again.
Um, but it has made a massivedifference in the types of
(02:07):
people that I've attracted intomy life and it's also made a
massive difference in me and howI show up in my life and my
relationship.
And I think that's been thebiggest gift, I think, in this
experience for me anyway is, youknow, when we consciously
choose to be single for a while.
(02:27):
You know, when we're single onpurpose and single by intention,
something shifts right, and Ithink that it is one of those
things.
It's one of the most profoundhealing experiences and
transformational experiencesthat every woman should undergo.
It's the medicine we didn'tknow we needed, especially
(02:52):
especially if you are a peoplepleaser, like I've always been
Okay.
So I want you to think aboutthis for a second.
You know, go going back to thatmoment.
I was like that's it, I'm done,I fucking had it, I'm not doing
this anymore.
Nope, I'm like, I'm tired, Ihave nothing left.
I literally remember saying Ihave nothing left to give.
I've given everything that Ihave within me to give.
I have nothing left to give,right, I just, I, just, I just
(03:16):
want to be me right now.
I just want to be selfish.
I want to focus on my life.
I want to focus on my career.
I want to focus on my career, Iwant to focus on my health.
I want to focus on making mydreams come true, and nothing,
everything else takes like abackseat, everything right there
.
That marked the beginning.
(03:36):
You know, there was kind oflike the version of me before
that day and there's a versionof me after and I don't believe
she'll ever be the same again.
That's not to say that I'veclosed the door on the who I was
before.
She's still part of who I amand she's still part of this
experience and I still, you know, she's still the same person or
the same version of me who gotme here, but there's definitely
(03:58):
been a massive turning point inwho I am and how I show up, and
there's so many reasons for this.
I think you know.
Number one, when your peopleplease run and over, give her
like I was, so much of your timeand energy goes to how you're
going to show up right in yourrelationships to get people to
(04:22):
choose you, to like you, toappreciate you, to turn their
head, to get them to notice you,to get them you know hot for
you or whatever right Like it's.
Like there's so much energy andfocus being put on how this
person is going to respond, orwhat they're going to think, or
what they're going to feel, orhow they're going to react and
(04:45):
trying to, and and this is wherethis is where the toxic traits
come in right, you're.
Essentially, what you're doingis you're manipulating yourself.
You're you're being a chameleon.
You're manipulating yourselfinto being showing up as
becoming, expressing yourself aslooking like who or whatever
you think you need in order toget the response you want from
(05:09):
the other person.
It is very manipulative, like,don't get me wrong, we don't
always realize that we're doingit and we don't always realize,
I think, how manipulative itactually is.
But it is quite manipulativeand it's not that we're, you
know, it's not that.
It's not that we're trying totrick people.
That's not where peoplepleasing and overgiving comes
from.
(05:29):
People pleasing and overgivingis very much a trauma response.
You know, we're very much afraidof being abandoned and rejected
, and the thought of beingabandoned and rejected can often
feel like it's like the deathsentence.
Okay, like the death sentence.
Okay, um, so, uh, like I alwayssaid to people like if I was
like I don't know if times weredifferent, if I was a different
(05:53):
person, like if I, likecommitted some sort of like
heinous crime, the best thingyou can do to punish me, it's
like put me in a cell andconstantly make me feel rejected
and abandoned.
So that's worse than any likedeath penalty.
Um, for my soul anyway, atleast it was at some point.
Um, but that aside, um, youknow, because we're so afraid of
being abandoned and rejected,we're constantly trying to morph
(06:14):
into who we think we need to bein order to avoid said
abandonment and rejection.
So, although it is quitemanipulative, it actually comes
from a very vulnerable, fearfulplace of self protection.
And so and you know, we don'trealize it until we step out
like I had no idea until Istepped out of the arena Right,
(06:39):
that how much energy energynumber one was going into
pleasing these relationships andovergiving and trying to get
the love and attention that I,that I wanted from them, but
also how I was basicallyadjusting myself and showing up
and as a different version ofmyself, as an inauthentic
version of myself, in order tohold on to that love and
(07:02):
affection.
So, yes, I depleted my energy,but also I depleted me, I
depleted my essence, I depletedwho I was, I watered down my
full, my fullest and mostauthentic expression and became
something different, right, inorder to please or be compatible
(07:23):
with these other people in mylife.
And I think you know, havingthat taken that time where I was
away from you, know that needfor that external validation
that I would never be abandonedor rejected, rejected.
I found parts, I discovered whoI was.
Again I found parts of myselfthat I hadn't looked at or seen
(07:46):
was, again I found parts ofmyself that I hadn't looked at
or seen in years.
I, you know, realized thatthere were so many things that
were important to me that Iwasn't paying attention to.
There were, you know, talentsand dreams and visions that I
had that I wasn't nurturing, andthen I was putting all my
energy and focus into theseother things that weren't
aligned for me, that weretotally burning me out because
that's what I thought I neededto do, right.
(08:10):
So the amount of energy that youget back from, you know,
constantly jumping through hoopsto keep these relationships
happy and in your life, I meanit's just insane.
And not only that, but just thepieces of you that you know
you've abandoned, that you'veturned your back on because you
didn't think they were the partsthat these people wanted, that
(08:34):
or that would get you thereaction or action that you
wanted out of, or the decisionthat you wanted out of these
relationships, if that makessense.
Like you know, you kind of youkind of hid those away and, you
(08:54):
know, created different partsthat you thought were going to
get you the love, the commitment, the external validation that
you were seeking, so you learnabout who you are.
You literally take so much ofyour energy back and I think,
you know, the most importantthing in this experience, I
think, for me, is because I hadbeen out of relationship for so
(09:16):
long, right, and I got so muchenergy back from that experience
so there was no longer likejumping through hoops trying to
please and and and impress andimpress people, and because, you
know, I started to see andrecognize all these beautiful
parts of myself that I kind ofleft by the wayside or, you know
, kind of shrunk or hid becauseI didn't think people could
accept these parts of who I was,you know.
(09:37):
And so I really start torediscover myself again, I
really start to get my energyback again, I really start to
love and appreciate myself againfor who I am and suddenly I'm
feeling okay not being in arelationship.
And this is really importantBecause it's that very feeling
(09:58):
of you know being okay, notbeing in a relationship that is
going to break the pattern ofyou settling for relationships
that you know.
You know you shouldn't besettling for.
The little the red flags arelike waving at you, that little
nagging voice is inside yourhead telling you to walk away.
And you know, usually you knownine out of ten times we ignore
(10:22):
that when we hear it, and thereason is is because we're
afraid to say no, we're gonna.
We're afraid we're gonna missout on an opportunity.
We're afraid that another,better opportunity isn't going
to come along, right, when youcan be on your own and see the
benefit of being on your own andsee how much you can accomplish
being on your own, because, letme tell you, taking all the
(10:45):
energy that I gained and takingall the insight as to who I was
and what I wanted and what wasreally important to me, and put
those together and suddenly youknow you have the power to
create like kingdoms, right, andyou know, suddenly you're
working on your purpose work andyou're out there and you're
creating a podcast,no-transcript, or you're
(11:11):
creating new friendships or yourconnections, or you're
traveling to places that you'vealways wanted to travel to but
you never gave yourselfpermission to.
You know, I did a lot of thesethings and it was all because I
put relationships on a shelf fora season, and I do think that
making that bold andunconventional decision to put
(11:31):
relationships on hold for alittle while is the most
transformative thing every womancan do.
This is like your sacredspiritual timeout of
relationships.
This is you being single onpurpose, single with intention.
This is the medicine that everypeople-pleasing woman did not
(11:52):
know that she needed.
Because when you take thattimeout and you take that
external influence that hasliterally been guiding your
every decision how you show upin relationships, what you wear,
what you say, how you talk, howyou move, who you're in
relationship with, what sort ofwork it literally I feel like I
(12:15):
didn't notice this at first, butI feel like now, in retrospect,
when I think back, I feel likethe underpinning of all of my
decisions was always what, whatare people going to think, but
especially what are the peoplewho I you know that I wanted to
be in relationship with a wrongrelationship thing going to
going to think?
You know, because ultimately,again, for me it was always
(12:38):
about avoiding the abandonmentand the projection.
So you know, when I took all ofthat energy and focus and
attention away from them and putit onto myself, and you know my
energy started to, to, to um,amplify and I really started to
know who I was, what I wantedand what I wanted to create in
this world, started to know whoI was, what I wanted and what I
(13:02):
wanted to create in this world.
I created a life that was a 180degree I don't know what you
want to call it flip of the lifeI was living before, which was
wildly unfulfilling, although itlooks great on paper like I'm
not gonna lie, it lookedabsolutely great on paper.
It was wildly unfulfilling and,you know, kind of expanded and
(13:23):
branched off into all thesedifferent directions that you
know, had I not taken thatrelationship hiatus, I never
would have had the opportunityto do because I would have been
so wrapped up in what does thisperson think?
What does that person think andwhat do I need to do, where or
say in order to get them to?
You know, to love me, to chooseme, to like me or whatever.
Taking all that back and puttingthat all on my like, back onto
(13:43):
me again, was the best thing Icould have ever done, and I
think that you know, being alonefor so many years, like I said,
you have to be pretty fuckingamazing now for me to want to
spend my time with you.
You know there's no moresettling for breadcrumbs.
There's no more settling forhalf in half out of a
relationship.
One day you're hot, the nextday you're cold, stringing me
(14:05):
along, you know, spending timewith me this week and then next
week spending time with somebodyelse and coming back like a
couple weeks later.
Hey, babe, what have you beenup to?
Been thinking of you Likethere's none of that anymore.
You know, I, I, I'm perfectlyfine, waiting for somebody who I
think is all in, who I love tobe with, who I have great
(14:30):
chemistry with and conversationwith.
And you know I really don'thave a desire to settle.
Does that mean that I don'twant a relationship in my life?
Absolutely not.
Of course I want one.
Of course I want one.
You know I can't wait to callthat relationship in, but I'm
not in a position to want tosettle for it like I used to be
and to settle for, you know,whatever comes along, for fear
that I won't find anythingbetter, or maybe he's good
(14:51):
enough for right now, until MrRight comes along.
But there's none of that,because I know the value of my
energy.
I know the value of what I cancreate with that energy.
You know when I have it focusedon the right things right and
when I'm showing up as my mostauthentic self and not, you know
, trying to kind of morph myselfinto who I think.
(15:13):
You know, somebody else wantsme to be and so, no, I'm not
going to squander that energy onjust anybody and no, I'm not
gonna, you know, be withsomebody that I feel like I need
to kind of be a differentversion of myself in order to
keep them there.
Hell, no, like now, I'm as muchas I, you know, do want a
relationship in my life.
I would love to have arelationship in my life.
(15:35):
Not, not, not available forsquandering my energy anymore on
on relationships that don'tgive me anything in return.
And I'm certainly not, and youknow not, available for, you
know, showing up as anythingother than who I like, my
authentic self, in anyrelationship.
That's what to say that I don'thave.
You know, we all have quirks,we all have things we can work
(15:55):
through, we all have ways we canimprove ourselves and be, you
know, aware of self, aware ofhow we're showing up and our
patterns and whatnot, of course.
But that doesn't mean that Ineed to show up as a false
version of myself.
That doesn't mean that I needto pretend to be something I'm
not or hide parts of myselfbecause I think that they're not
(16:17):
good enough and they won't beloved, not available for that
anymore, you know, and being inthe situation has been
liberating for me because ittakes away the pressure of
feeling like I just need to findsomeone, and find someone
quickly and kind of settle withwhoever comes.
And I don't know that I everconsciously said those words,
(16:38):
like I never said I just need tosettle with whoever comes along
.
And you know that I everconsciously said those words,
like I never said I just need tosettle with whoever comes along
and, you know, be happy with it.
Like we never actuallyconsciously do.
That it's so sneaky the way weagree to these relationships
because it's like you knowsomeone will come along and I'm
thinking of a specific exampleright now someone will come
(16:59):
along and we know we're willcome along and we know we're
into it.
Like we know we're into it,right, but at the same time
there's that little naggingvoice telling us don't do it,
don't do it.
And it's like I hear it.
I hear the voice, I hear, Ihear it, I feel it.
I feel like a little niggle inmy solar plexus that this isn't
(17:22):
the person for me, but I'm gonnago ahead anyway.
I mean and these are thethoughts that start to come to
your head right, I could beover-exaggerating.
Yeah, maybe I'm just beingparanoid.
Yeah, yeah, I'm probably beingparanoid.
Yeah, it's probably nothing.
You know, I'm seeing 10 redflags right in front of me right
now.
Maybe they're just, you know,maybe they're not really red,
maybe they're just sort of pinkor coral or whatever.
(17:46):
And you know there's reallynothing to be alarmed about.
Maybe I'm just being paranoidbecause I got burned so many
times before that.
You know I'm being hard.
Maybe I need to just let thatgo.
Keep an open mind, keep an openheart, think positive,
everything will be fine.
It's not.
It's not going to be fine.
You know and this is what Ialways say to people either he's
(18:08):
a healthy partner or you stillhave blocks and fears from the
past, in which case you shouldprobably deal with them, start
address those, either before orsimultaneously as you start to
get into these relationships.
So, you know, I usually say, ifyou're, if your intuition is
telling you that something's up,something's up, and you know
(18:30):
it's not, yeah, sometimes itcould be trauma from past
relationships.
Sure, of course there is that.
But I think we know, like Ithink we know when someone's not
for us, and that's not to saythat we don't, that's not to say
that we never get duped,because you know, when I, when I
, was cheated on by somebodythat I would have trusted with
my life, like my whole worldturned upside down.
(18:52):
I never saw that coming but,but there were some red flags
early on in the relationship andI didn't, I didn't pay
attention to them until afterthat happened and I was like, oh
, that's what those red flagswere all about, right?
So, yeah, so you know all thatto say.
(19:12):
You know, after being on yourown for seven years, knowing how
much energy you get back whenyou're not in these toxic one
directional dynamics with peoplewith who are emotionally
unavailable to you, and when youknow the power of putting all
that focus, energy and intentionon yourself and your purpose
(19:32):
and your values, yeah, it islike you better be fucking
amazing before I decide to like,actually share energy and space
with you.
You know, which wouldn't havebeen the case before, right, and
I think that we'd all thoseexcuses that we were talking
about before, and this is thepoint that I was trying to make.
Oh it's not that bad, oh, thered flags aren't that red, or
they're not that many, or I'mjust being paranoid, or maybe
(19:53):
you know, maybe I'm just seeingthings that aren't there,
whatever.
If you really ask yourself,okay, what is it that I'm really
afraid of underneath all ofthat?
Like that's what your head istelling you, but what's
underneath all of that, you know, that's the important question
that you have to ask yourself,and usually what ends up being
(20:14):
the question that we're askingbeneath the surface is or maybe
not question, but maybe the fearor the thought that's're asking
beneath the surface is or maybenot question, but maybe the
fear or the thought that'scoming up beneath those those,
those thoughts, is, I'm afraid,you know, what if this is as
good as it gets?
What if it doesn't get anybetter?
What if this guy, what if I'mseeing?
I'm not seeing things.
(20:34):
Well, I'm seeing things from,you know, a jaded perspective,
and this guy is actually thebest thing since life spread and
I'm not allowing myself theopportunity.
And then, when?
What happens?
If you know, I let this go, andthen I regret it and I'm alone
and I, you know, I can't take itback after right, it all comes
down to a fear of being alone.
(20:55):
It all comes down to this fearof missing out that this person
in front of you is literally thebest thing that could ever
happen to you.
And it's hard sometimes becausewe do feel, like you know.
I can remember feeling like youknow, after life has shown you
time and time and time again,like this is this, this is all
(21:16):
you're going to get.
It can start to feel likethat's all that's available to
you and you start to believethat.
And I think that's where that'swhere the real work comes in is
having the faith that, eventhough your relationship
patterns have been disappointingand lackluster your entire life
, it's being able to cultivatethat faith that says you know,
(21:37):
no, I know there's somethingbetter out there for me and I'm
I'm okay with taking my time andwaiting for it to show up,
rather than squandering myenergy, my values, my purpose,
my authenticity on someone who'snot for me.
And so, you know, as you know,as time goes on and we, you know
, we continue to be single onpurpose and single with
(21:59):
intention.
We get stronger and stronger inthis ability to say no, not
ready to settle, no, you're agreat guy, you know, I think
you're wonderful, but you're notwho I'm looking for.
You know, I know who I'mlooking for.
I know what I want and thisisn't it, and I've had to put
that to the test a lot in thislast year.
(22:20):
You know where I had to walkaway from.
You know, in some cases, somepeople who looked really great
on paper, you know, who seemedto check all the boxes on the
outside but for whatever reason,something was missing on the
inside and I I just had to trustthat.
People who I really loved topeople who I cared for, who you
know, although there was all theemotional connection there, um,
(22:44):
that I would have wanted, youknow it was just.
You know, there were so manyother important factors missing
in order to make them acompatible partner and to make
it a viable relationship that Ihad to walk away, like I
literally had to break my ownheart and walk away.
And that was because, you know,I have been on my own for seven
years and I know that I'm goingto be okay and I don't.
(23:06):
I know that I don't need aperson in my space in order to
feel fulfilled, and I know thatyou know when, when I'm in that
aligned relationship, um, youknow it's going to bring so much
positive energy and momentuminto my life.
(23:27):
Um, you know, and if it's notthe aligned relationship, it has
the exact opposite effect.
And I'm just not available forthe opposite effects, for having
my energy drained, for havingmy authenticity, my values, my
purpose, my essence of who I amdiluted to try and fit into
somebody else's you knowexpectations or be compatible
(23:50):
with somebody who's not for me,you know, and I think that has
really truly been the mostpowerful thing.
So it's helped me to expand myenergy, it's helped me to really
get in touch with who I am andwhat I want, to get to know
myself again, and it's totallyhelped me to live with more
purpose and intention and to putmore focus on what it is that I
(24:12):
want to create, empowering meto be more selective about who I
spend my time with, which wasnot the case before I took this
relationship hiatus.
You know, it was almostimpossible to walk away from an
opportunity to be with somebodybecause somewhere down there and
like the back of my mind,underneath all the noise up here
(24:33):
, somewhere in there was thisthought that what if it doesn't
get any better?
What if this is the best you'regoing to get?
What if nobody else comes along?
Or it takes them forever?
Like what if you're waiting 10years for the next guy to come
along?
Or you know what if this guy'sthe man of your dreams and you
didn't give it a chance and nowyou'll never know?
(24:54):
And then you'll regret it.
All those thoughts go by thewayside because you know who you
are, you know what you want,you know what you're capable of,
you know you can do it on yourown.
So you're not willing or readyto squander it on somebody who
can't meet you where you're atand be compatible, as opposed to
I don't know what the otherword would be.
I'm trying to find a cutelittle, a cute little rhymey
(25:16):
word, but I can't find one.
So, other than compatible, Iguess, somebody that you have to
kind of mold yourself or shapeshift in order to fit with.
You don't want that.
You don't want to feel like the, the square peg in a round hole
.
You know you want to find thatperfect fit, that perfect match,
um, and it's not to say thatthey're a perfect person, but
(25:37):
they do have to be a good andcompatible match, and I think
that's the really importantthing.
So, um, you know I say this toevery woman if you've never
taken a time out from arelationship, from being in
relationships, um ever, I thinkevery woman should do that at
one point in her life.
I think it's the most important, most powerful act of
(25:59):
self-discovery and self-lovethat any woman could go on.
And you'll know when it's time.
And the way that you'll knowwhen it's time is you're going
to have that moment where you'rejust so done, you're so
exhausted.
You're going to have thatmoment where you're just so done
, you're so exhausted.
You've given so much.
You, literally you've given allyour love, all your heart, all
your attention, all youraffection.
(26:20):
You have nothing left to giveanymore.
You're tired, you're burnt out.
That's it, you're done, I'vehad it.
I'm literally paraphrasing whatI was saying in that moment I've
done, I'm done, I've had it.
I can't do this anymore.
I just need to focus on myselfright now, and I don't give a
shit.
I don't.
I don't want to be inrelationship right now.
I don't want to put any energyor focus or intention on any
(26:44):
person outside of myself.
I just want to focus on myselffor once, and I think, when that
moment comes for you.
You need to listen to itbecause it is not just a
powerful part of your healingjourney.
It is literally an invitationto love yourself more deeply,
(27:09):
tap into and reclaim your worthand tap into a power that you
did not know that you had upuntil this point.
Please leave it a positiverating and review on Apple
Podcasts or Spotify or whereveryou're seeing this, and until
next time, you guys, massivelove.
Hey guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the Femcast.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
This is probably the mosttransformative story of my life
and even though we're going totalk about it here today, we
talked about it before.
But it was a decision that Imade to go on a relationship
(00:22):
hiatus.
My relationship hiatus wasseven years now.
I didn't intentionally set outto say hey, I'm cutting off
relationships for seven years.
Brb wasn't like that at all.
It was just a okay, I'm takinga break from relationships.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm exhausted.
I remember them.
I remember the moment so clearly.
I remember thinking that's it,I fucking had it.
(00:42):
I'm exhausted.
I've been giving all my energy,all parts of me, all my heart,
all my mind, all my thoughtpatterns, everything into all
these like relationships thatwere giving me nothing in return
.
I can't do it anymore.
I'm done.
I just want to focus on myselfright now.
I'm just going to be focusingon myself.
I don't give a shit aboutanybody else or who comes along
(01:04):
or what.
This is, this is, this is myturn now.
It's me time now, and I canremember it so clearly.
Like it's crazy and I feel likeyou know, I really felt
something shift in me that dayand I think you know I never.
You know people always ask mewell, did you plan to be like at
(01:24):
a relationship for seven?
No, I didn't put a number to it, I didn't say I'm taking a
break from the relationship forseven years.
You know, I kind of said takinga break, be back soon.
You know, I'll be back when it,when it feels like the right
time.
And it just never felt like theright time until seven years
later I was like, okay, you knowwhat I think?
I think I'm ready to startletting people back in again,
(01:46):
but even then it's been kind oflike letting people in and then
closing the door again, lettingpeople in and closing the door
again.
So it's not like it's been avery slow transition back into,
you know, being fully open to arelationship again.
Um, but it has made a massivedifference in the types of
(02:07):
people that I've attracted intomy life and it's also made a
massive difference in me and howI show up in my life and my
relationship.
And I think that's been thebiggest gift, I think, in this
experience for me anyway is, youknow, when we consciously
choose to be single for a while.
(02:27):
You know, when we're single onpurpose and single by intention,
something shifts right, and Ithink that it is one of those
things.
It's one of the most profoundhealing experiences and
transformational experiencesthat every woman should undergo.
It's the medicine we didn'tknow we needed, especially
(02:52):
especially if you are a peoplepleaser, like I've always been
Okay.
So I want you to think aboutthis for a second.
You know, go going back to thatmoment.
I was like that's it, I'm done,I fucking had it, I'm not doing
this anymore.
Nope, I'm like, I'm tired, Ihave nothing left.
I literally remember saying Ihave nothing left to give.
I've given everything that Ihave within me to give.
I have nothing left to give,right, I just, I, just, I just
(03:16):
want to be me right now.
I just want to be selfish.
I want to focus on my life.
I want to focus on my career.
I want to focus on my career, Iwant to focus on my health.
I want to focus on making mydreams come true, and nothing,
everything else takes like abackseat, everything right there
.
That marked the beginning.
(03:36):
You know, there was kind oflike the version of me before
that day and there's a versionof me after and I don't believe
she'll ever be the same again.
That's not to say that I'veclosed the door on the who I was
before.
She's still part of who I amand she's still part of this
experience and I still, you know, she's still the same person or
the same version of me who gotme here, but there's definitely
(03:58):
been a massive turning point inwho I am and how I show up, and
there's so many reasons for this.
I think you know.
Number one, when your peopleplease run and over, give her
like I was, so much of your timeand energy goes to how you're
going to show up right in yourrelationships to get people to
(04:22):
choose you, to like you, toappreciate you, to turn their
head, to get them to notice you,to get them you know hot for
you or whatever right Like it's.
Like there's so much energy andfocus being put on how this
person is going to respond, orwhat they're going to think, or
what they're going to feel, orhow they're going to react and
(04:45):
trying to, and and this is wherethis is where the toxic traits
come in right, you're.
Essentially, what you're doingis you're manipulating yourself.
You're you're being a chameleon.
You're manipulating yourselfinto being showing up as
becoming, expressing yourself aslooking like who or whatever
you think you need in order toget the response you want from
(05:09):
the other person.
It is very manipulative, like,don't get me wrong, we don't
always realize that we're doingit and we don't always realize,
I think, how manipulative itactually is.
But it is quite manipulativeand it's not that we're, you
know, it's not that.
It's not that we're trying totrick people.
That's not where peoplepleasing and overgiving comes
from.
(05:29):
People pleasing and overgivingis very much a trauma response.
You know, we're very much afraidof being abandoned and rejected
, and the thought of beingabandoned and rejected can often
feel like it's like the deathsentence.
Okay, like the death sentence.
Okay, um, so, uh, like I alwayssaid to people like if I was
like I don't know if times weredifferent, if I was a different
(05:53):
person, like if I, likecommitted some sort of like
heinous crime, the best thingyou can do to punish me, it's
like put me in a cell andconstantly make me feel rejected
and abandoned.
So that's worse than any likedeath penalty.
Um, for my soul anyway, atleast it was at some point.
Um, but that aside, um, youknow, because we're so afraid of
being abandoned and rejected,we're constantly trying to morph
(06:14):
into who we think we need to bein order to avoid said
abandonment and rejection.
So, although it is quitemanipulative, it actually comes
from a very vulnerable, fearfulplace of self protection.
And so and you know, we don'trealize it until we step out
like I had no idea until Istepped out of the arena Right,
(06:39):
that how much energy energynumber one was going into
pleasing these relationships andovergiving and trying to get
the love and attention that I,that I wanted from them, but
also how I was basicallyadjusting myself and showing up
and as a different version ofmyself, as an inauthentic
version of myself, in order tohold on to that love and
(07:02):
affection.
So, yes, I depleted my energy,but also I depleted me, I
depleted my essence, I depletedwho I was, I watered down my
full, my fullest and mostauthentic expression and became
something different, right, inorder to please or be compatible
(07:23):
with these other people in mylife.
And I think you know, havingthat taken that time where I was
away from you, know that needfor that external validation
that I would never be abandonedor rejected, rejected.
I found parts, I discovered whoI was.
Again I found parts of myselfthat I hadn't looked at or seen
(07:46):
was, again I found parts ofmyself that I hadn't looked at
or seen in years.
I, you know, realized thatthere were so many things that
were important to me that Iwasn't paying attention to.
There were, you know, talentsand dreams and visions that I
had that I wasn't nurturing, andthen I was putting all my
energy and focus into theseother things that weren't
aligned for me, that weretotally burning me out because
that's what I thought I neededto do, right.
(08:10):
So the amount of energy that youget back from, you know,
constantly jumping through hoopsto keep these relationships
happy and in your life, I meanit's just insane.
And not only that, but just thepieces of you that you know
you've abandoned, that you'veturned your back on because you
didn't think they were the partsthat these people wanted, that
(08:34):
or that would get you thereaction or action that you
wanted out of, or the decisionthat you wanted out of these
relationships, if that makessense.
Like you know, you kind of youkind of hid those away and, you
(08:54):
know, created different partsthat you thought were going to
get you the love, the commitment, the external validation that
you were seeking, so you learnabout who you are.
You literally take so much ofyour energy back and I think,
you know, the most importantthing in this experience, I
think, for me, is because I hadbeen out of relationship for so
(09:16):
long, right, and I got so muchenergy back from that experience
so there was no longer likejumping through hoops trying to
please and and and impress andimpress people, and because, you
know, I started to see andrecognize all these beautiful
parts of myself that I kind ofleft by the wayside or, you know
, kind of shrunk or hid becauseI didn't think people could
accept these parts of who I was,you know.
(09:37):
And so I really start torediscover myself again, I
really start to get my energyback again, I really start to
love and appreciate myself againfor who I am and suddenly I'm
feeling okay not being in arelationship.
And this is really importantBecause it's that very feeling
(09:58):
of you know being okay, notbeing in a relationship that is
going to break the pattern ofyou settling for relationships
that you know.
You know you shouldn't besettling for.
The little the red flags arelike waving at you, that little
nagging voice is inside yourhead telling you to walk away.
And you know, usually you knownine out of ten times we ignore
(10:22):
that when we hear it, and thereason is is because we're
afraid to say no, we're gonna.
We're afraid we're gonna missout on an opportunity.
We're afraid that another,better opportunity isn't going
to come along, right, when youcan be on your own and see the
benefit of being on your own andsee how much you can accomplish
being on your own, because, letme tell you, taking all the
(10:45):
energy that I gained and takingall the insight as to who I was
and what I wanted and what wasreally important to me, and put
those together and suddenly youknow you have the power to
create like kingdoms, right, andyou know, suddenly you're
working on your purpose work andyou're out there and you're
creating a podcast,no-transcript, or you're
(11:11):
creating new friendships or yourconnections, or you're
traveling to places that you'vealways wanted to travel to but
you never gave yourselfpermission to.
You know, I did a lot of thesethings and it was all because I
put relationships on a shelf fora season, and I do think that
making that bold andunconventional decision to put
(11:31):
relationships on hold for alittle while is the most
transformative thing every womancan do.
This is like your sacredspiritual timeout of
relationships.
This is you being single onpurpose, single with intention.
This is the medicine that everypeople-pleasing woman did not
(11:52):
know that she needed.
Because when you take thattimeout and you take that
external influence that hasliterally been guiding your
every decision how you show upin relationships, what you wear,
what you say, how you talk, howyou move, who you're in
relationship with, what sort ofwork it literally I feel like I
(12:15):
didn't notice this at first, butI feel like now, in retrospect,
when I think back, I feel likethe underpinning of all of my
decisions was always what, whatare people going to think, but
especially what are the peoplewho I you know that I wanted to
be in relationship with a wrongrelationship thing going to
going to think?
You know, because ultimately,again, for me it was always
(12:38):
about avoiding the abandonmentand the projection.
So you know, when I took all ofthat energy and focus and
attention away from them and putit onto myself, and you know my
energy started to, to, to um,amplify and I really started to
know who I was, what I wantedand what I wanted to create in
this world, started to know whoI was, what I wanted and what I
(13:02):
wanted to create in this world.
I created a life that was a 180degree I don't know what you
want to call it flip of the lifeI was living before, which was
wildly unfulfilling, although itlooks great on paper like I'm
not gonna lie, it lookedabsolutely great on paper.
It was wildly unfulfilling and,you know, kind of expanded and
(13:23):
branched off into all thesedifferent directions that you
know, had I not taken thatrelationship hiatus, I never
would have had the opportunityto do because I would have been
so wrapped up in what does thisperson think?
What does that person think andwhat do I need to do, where or
say in order to get them to?
You know, to love me, to chooseme, to like me or whatever.
Taking all that back and puttingthat all on my like, back onto
(13:43):
me again, was the best thing Icould have ever done, and I
think that you know, being alonefor so many years, like I said,
you have to be pretty fuckingamazing now for me to want to
spend my time with you.
You know there's no moresettling for breadcrumbs.
There's no more settling forhalf in half out of a
relationship.
One day you're hot, the nextday you're cold, stringing me
(14:05):
along, you know, spending timewith me this week and then next
week spending time with somebodyelse and coming back like a
couple weeks later.
Hey, babe, what have you beenup to?
Been thinking of you Likethere's none of that anymore.
You know, I, I, I'm perfectlyfine, waiting for somebody who I
think is all in, who I love tobe with, who I have great
(14:30):
chemistry with and conversationwith.
And you know I really don'thave a desire to settle.
Does that mean that I don'twant a relationship in my life?
Absolutely not.
Of course I want one.
Of course I want one.
You know I can't wait to callthat relationship in, but I'm
not in a position to want tosettle for it like I used to be
and to settle for, you know,whatever comes along, for fear
that I won't find anythingbetter, or maybe he's good
(14:51):
enough for right now, until MrRight comes along.
But there's none of that,because I know the value of my
energy.
I know the value of what I cancreate with that energy.
You know when I have it focusedon the right things right and
when I'm showing up as my mostauthentic self and not, you know
, trying to kind of morph myselfinto who I think.
(15:13):
You know, somebody else wantsme to be and so, no, I'm not
going to squander that energy onjust anybody and no, I'm not
gonna, you know, be withsomebody that I feel like I need
to kind of be a differentversion of myself in order to
keep them there.
Hell, no, like now, I'm as muchas I, you know, do want a
relationship in my life.
I would love to have arelationship in my life.
(15:35):
Not, not, not available forsquandering my energy anymore on
on relationships that don'tgive me anything in return.
And I'm certainly not, and youknow not, available for, you
know, showing up as anythingother than who I like, my
authentic self, in anyrelationship.
That's what to say that I don'thave.
You know, we all have quirks,we all have things we can work
(15:55):
through, we all have ways we canimprove ourselves and be, you
know, aware of self, aware ofhow we're showing up and our
patterns and whatnot, of course.
But that doesn't mean that Ineed to show up as a false
version of myself.
That doesn't mean that I needto pretend to be something I'm
not or hide parts of myselfbecause I think that they're not
(16:17):
good enough and they won't beloved, not available for that
anymore, you know, and being inthe situation has been
liberating for me because ittakes away the pressure of
feeling like I just need to findsomeone, and find someone
quickly and kind of settle withwhoever comes.
And I don't know that I everconsciously said those words,
(16:38):
like I never said I just need tosettle with whoever comes along
.
And you know that I everconsciously said those words,
like I never said I just need tosettle with whoever comes along
and, you know, be happy with it.
Like we never actuallyconsciously do.
That it's so sneaky the way weagree to these relationships
because it's like you knowsomeone will come along and I'm
thinking of a specific exampleright now someone will come
(16:59):
along and we know we're willcome along and we know we're
into it.
Like we know we're into it,right, but at the same time
there's that little naggingvoice telling us don't do it,
don't do it.
And it's like I hear it.
I hear the voice, I hear, Ihear it, I feel it.
I feel like a little niggle inmy solar plexus that this isn't
(17:22):
the person for me, but I'm gonnago ahead anyway.
I mean and these are thethoughts that start to come to
your head right, I could beover-exaggerating.
Yeah, maybe I'm just beingparanoid.
Yeah, yeah, I'm probably beingparanoid.
Yeah, it's probably nothing.
You know, I'm seeing 10 redflags right in front of me right
now.
Maybe they're just, you know,maybe they're not really red,
maybe they're just sort of pinkor coral or whatever.
(17:46):
And you know there's reallynothing to be alarmed about.
Maybe I'm just being paranoidbecause I got burned so many
times before that.
You know I'm being hard.
Maybe I need to just let thatgo.
Keep an open mind, keep an openheart, think positive,
everything will be fine.
It's not.
It's not going to be fine.
You know and this is what Ialways say to people either he's
(18:08):
a healthy partner or you stillhave blocks and fears from the
past, in which case you shouldprobably deal with them, start
address those, either before orsimultaneously as you start to
get into these relationships.
So, you know, I usually say, ifyou're, if your intuition is
telling you that something's up,something's up, and you know
(18:30):
it's not, yeah, sometimes itcould be trauma from past
relationships.
Sure, of course there is that.
But I think we know, like Ithink we know when someone's not
for us, and that's not to saythat we don't, that's not to say
that we never get duped,because you know, when I, when I
, was cheated on by somebodythat I would have trusted with
my life, like my whole worldturned upside down.
(18:52):
I never saw that coming but,but there were some red flags
early on in the relationship andI didn't, I didn't pay
attention to them until afterthat happened and I was like, oh
, that's what those red flagswere all about, right?
So, yeah, so you know all thatto say.
(19:12):
You know, after being on yourown for seven years, knowing how
much energy you get back whenyou're not in these toxic one
directional dynamics with peoplewith who are emotionally
unavailable to you, and when youknow the power of putting all
that focus, energy and intentionon yourself and your purpose
(19:32):
and your values, yeah, it islike you better be fucking
amazing before I decide to like,actually share energy and space
with you.
You know, which wouldn't havebeen the case before, right, and
I think that we'd all thoseexcuses that we were talking
about before, and this is thepoint that I was trying to make.
Oh it's not that bad, oh, thered flags aren't that red, or
they're not that many, or I'mjust being paranoid, or maybe
(19:53):
you know, maybe I'm just seeingthings that aren't there,
whatever.
If you really ask yourself,okay, what is it that I'm really
afraid of underneath all ofthat?
Like that's what your head istelling you, but what's
underneath all of that, you know, that's the important question
that you have to ask yourself,and usually what ends up being
(20:14):
the question that we're askingbeneath the surface is or maybe
not question, but maybe the fearor the thought that's're asking
beneath the surface is or maybenot question, but maybe the
fear or the thought that'scoming up beneath those those,
those thoughts, is, I'm afraid,you know, what if this is as
good as it gets?
What if it doesn't get anybetter?
What if this guy, what if I'mseeing?
I'm not seeing things.
(20:34):
Well, I'm seeing things from,you know, a jaded perspective,
and this guy is actually thebest thing since life spread and
I'm not allowing myself theopportunity.
And then, when?
What happens?
If you know, I let this go, andthen I regret it and I'm alone
and I, you know, I can't take itback after right, it all comes
down to a fear of being alone.
(20:55):
It all comes down to this fearof missing out that this person
in front of you is literally thebest thing that could ever
happen to you.
And it's hard sometimes becausewe do feel, like you know.
I can remember feeling like youknow, after life has shown you
time and time and time again,like this is this, this is all
(21:16):
you're going to get.
It can start to feel likethat's all that's available to
you and you start to believethat.
And I think that's where that'swhere the real work comes in is
having the faith that, eventhough your relationship
patterns have been disappointingand lackluster your entire life
, it's being able to cultivatethat faith that says you know,
(21:37):
no, I know there's somethingbetter out there for me and I'm
I'm okay with taking my time andwaiting for it to show up,
rather than squandering myenergy, my values, my purpose,
my authenticity on someone who'snot for me.
And so, you know, as you know,as time goes on and we, you know
, we continue to be single onpurpose and single with
(21:59):
intention.
We get stronger and stronger inthis ability to say no, not
ready to settle, no, you're agreat guy, you know, I think
you're wonderful, but you're notwho I'm looking for.
You know, I know who I'mlooking for.
I know what I want and thisisn't it, and I've had to put
that to the test a lot in thislast year.
(22:20):
You know where I had to walkaway from.
You know, in some cases, somepeople who looked really great
on paper, you know, who seemedto check all the boxes on the
outside but for whatever reason,something was missing on the
inside and I I just had to trustthat.
People who I really loved topeople who I cared for, who you
know, although there was all theemotional connection there, um,
(22:44):
that I would have wanted, youknow it was just.
You know, there were so manyother important factors missing
in order to make them acompatible partner and to make
it a viable relationship that Ihad to walk away, like I
literally had to break my ownheart and walk away.
And that was because, you know,I have been on my own for seven
years and I know that I'm goingto be okay and I don't.
(23:06):
I know that I don't need aperson in my space in order to
feel fulfilled, and I know thatyou know when, when I'm in that
aligned relationship, um, youknow it's going to bring so much
positive energy and momentuminto my life.
(23:27):
Um, you know, and if it's notthe aligned relationship, it has
the exact opposite effect.
And I'm just not available forthe opposite effects, for having
my energy drained, for havingmy authenticity, my values, my
purpose, my essence of who I amdiluted to try and fit into
somebody else's you knowexpectations or be compatible
(23:50):
with somebody who's not for me,you know, and I think that has
really truly been the mostpowerful thing.
So it's helped me to expand myenergy, it's helped me to really
get in touch with who I am andwhat I want, to get to know
myself again, and it's totallyhelped me to live with more
purpose and intention and to putmore focus on what it is that I
(24:12):
want to create, empowering meto be more selective about who I
spend my time with, which wasnot the case before I took this
relationship hiatus.
You know, it was almostimpossible to walk away from an
opportunity to be with somebodybecause somewhere down there and
like the back of my mind,underneath all the noise up here
(24:33):
, somewhere in there was thisthought that what if it doesn't
get any better?
What if this is the best you'regoing to get?
What if nobody else comes along?
Or it takes them forever?
Like what if you're waiting 10years for the next guy to come
along?
Or you know what if this guy'sthe man of your dreams and you
didn't give it a chance and nowyou'll never know?
(24:54):
And then you'll regret it.
All those thoughts go by thewayside because you know who you
are, you know what you want,you know what you're capable of,
you know you can do it on yourown.
So you're not willing or readyto squander it on somebody who
can't meet you where you're atand be compatible, as opposed to
I don't know what the otherword would be.
I'm trying to find a cutelittle, a cute little rhymey
(25:16):
word, but I can't find one.
So, other than compatible, Iguess, somebody that you have to
kind of mold yourself or shapeshift in order to fit with.
You don't want that.
You don't want to feel like the, the square peg in a round hole
.
You know you want to find thatperfect fit, that perfect match,
um, and it's not to say thatthey're a perfect person, but
(25:37):
they do have to be a good andcompatible match, and I think
that's the really importantthing.
So, um, you know I say this toevery woman if you've never
taken a time out from arelationship, from being in
relationships, um ever, I thinkevery woman should do that at
one point in her life.
I think it's the most important, most powerful act of
(25:59):
self-discovery and self-lovethat any woman could go on.
And you'll know when it's time.
And the way that you'll knowwhen it's time is you're going
to have that moment where you'rejust so done, you're so
exhausted.
You're going to have thatmoment where you're just so done
, you're so exhausted.
You've given so much.
You, literally you've given allyour love, all your heart, all
your attention, all youraffection.
(26:20):
You have nothing left to giveanymore.
You're tired, you're burnt out.
That's it, you're done, I'vehad it.
I'm literally paraphrasing whatI was saying in that moment I've
done, I'm done, I've had it.
I can't do this anymore.
I just need to focus on myselfright now, and I don't give a
shit.
I don't.
I don't want to be inrelationship right now.
I don't want to put any energyor focus or intention on any
(26:44):
person outside of myself.
I just want to focus on myselffor once, and I think, when that
moment comes for you.
You need to listen to itbecause it is not just a
powerful part of your healingjourney.
It is literally an invitationto love yourself more deeply,
(27:09):
tap into and reclaim your worthand tap into a power that you
did not know that you had upuntil this point.
Please leave it a positiverating and review on Apple
Podcasts or Spotify or whereveryou're seeing this, and until
next time, you guys, massivelove.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com