The signs were there.
The late-night disappearances.
The mystery phone calls.
The way the energy shifted the moment I entered the room.
My gut was screaming that something wasn’t right… but I silenced it.
I believed his words over my body’s wisdom.
And when the truth finally came out?
I was shattered.
And furious with myself for not seeing it sooner.
In this opening episode of The Sacred Reclamation Series: The Betrayal Edition happening here on The Femme Cast, I take you deep into the question that haunts so many women after betrayal:
How could I not have seen it?
And when I finally did… why didn’t I leave?
I was blindsided. Broken.
It felt like the ground had been ripped out from under me.
But what I didn’t know at the time was that this heartbreak—this betrayal—would become the catalyst for the most profound transformation of my life.
It cracked me open.
Pulled me out of the fog.
And launched me into my deepest reclamation.
What started as devastation became a spiritual awakening—
And ultimately, a return to radical self-trust.
But first? I had to forgive myself.
In this episode, I’m sharing:
🎤 The quiet signs I ignored—and why I ignored them
🎤 How self-abandonment disguised itself as loyalty
🎤 The nuanced truth about forgiveness (hint: it doesn’t mean reconciliation)
🎤 Why forgiving yourself is often harder than forgiving the one who hurt you
🎤 How betrayal forced me to stop outsourcing my intuition and finally trust my own knowing
🎤 The moment I stopped asking, “Why is this happening to me?” and started asking, “How is this happening for me?”
This isn’t about blame.
It’s about honoring the version of you who stayed—
And loving her fiercely.
Because she was doing the best she could with what she knew.
And when you're ready, healing doesn't begin with forgiveness.
It begins with reclamation.
Your power.
Your truth.
Your self-trust.
This episode sets the tone for the full 5-part healing journey inside The Sacred Reclamation Series: The Betrayal Edition.
If you’ve ever felt ashamed for not seeing the truth sooner…
If you’ve struggled to forgive yourself for staying too long…
This is your invitation to finally set yourself free.
🎧 Listen now and join me tomorrow for Day 2: The Rage You’re Afraid to Feel.
You’re not alone—and your healing starts here.
PS: Stop begging to be chosen. Choose yourself instead.
In case no one told you today, you’re not here to beg, chase, or perform for the bare minimum. You’re here to reclaim your power and become magnetic to real, soul-aligned love, success, and abundance.
Reclaim the version of you that never had to beg to be chosen.
Book your 90-minute Sacred Reclamation Intensive here:
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/products/intensive
But fair warning—authentic connections, aligned opportunities, and breakthroughs in love, money, and purpose are inevitable.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
You guys, what is up?
And welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here and I'm especially
excited and grateful for thisfrickin episode.
I've been wanting to do thisfor so long and it is finally
here.
I've started a new series onthe podcast, okay, so it's
called the sacred reclamationpodcast series and there's going
(00:20):
to be different kind of serieskind of spread out throughout
the year.
This one in particular is thebetrayal edition.
So if you've ever been lied to,betrayed or manipulated in a
relationship or been made tobelieve that your partner was
something other or someone otherthan who he was, you are in the
(00:42):
right place.
You guys, we're going to dofive episodes five days in a row
, back to back.
I am so fucking excited.
I cannot wait.
And the reason why I think Iwanted to start with this one in
particular doing the BetrayalEdition first and starting with
this one was number one.
It really did mark the turningpoint for me in terms of my
(01:07):
transformation, my spiritualevolution, my healing, so many
things that happened andoccurred in my life as a result
of being cheated on, basically,and lied to, manipulated for
years.
Right, lied to manipulated foryears, right.
(01:30):
It became my platform.
It became my stepping stone tosomething that, honestly, had
you told me before all of thiswent down, that what was going
to how my life was going to turnout and the things that I was
going to experience andaccomplish in my life.
I never would have believed itright, because I was, I guess
you could, for lack of a betterword.
I was asleep.
I was just kind of movingthrough life, going through the
motions.
(01:50):
You know, being a peoplepleaser, I kind of let people's
external validation guide mylife and my decisions and you
know I didn't even stop to thinkwhat was possible or what I
wanted, or you know what if Idid want something out of the
box right possible, or what Iwanted, or you know what if I
did want something out of thebox right.
So I think you know, goingthrough that experience as
painful as it was, of betrayal,of you know feeling the mistrust
(02:14):
, the pain, the hurt, the traumaand everything that kind of it
became my platform for literallythe biggest elevation of my
life and transformation.
So that's kind of why I wantedto start there, also because for
the longest time the toprunning episode here at the
Femcast has always been and hasbeen for my well, not for I mean
(02:36):
.
The episode, I think, only cameout within the last like year,
maybe even several months, Ican't remember when I actually
launched the episode, but it isliterally every week my top
listen to episode again andagain, which is, um, how to cope
with being cheated on.
Um, which you know, obviously,is something that we've all kind
of struggled with and we'retrying to navigate and there's
(02:59):
no cookie cutter way of gettingthrough it.
And I think that, as women, youknow there's many different
narratives out there of how weshould, what we should or should
not do and we've been cheatedon and how do we respond and how
do we move through and how dowe take that and move through
life and heal from it and gopast it?
Um, there's tons of narrativesout there.
Some of my methods you might'veheard other places, some of
(03:22):
them might be different, but I'mgoing to tell you, as somebody
who used being cheated on as acatapult for the rest of her
life.
I'm going to tell you what Idid and you can take what
resonates and leave the rest,but this is literally what I did
in order to move through thatexperience and come out of it on
(03:44):
the other side way moreempowered and much more aligned
with the life that I trulywanted, as opposed to the one
that I was settling for allalong.
So if this sounds like you payattention.
Like I said, it's going to befive days.
Today we're talking all abouthow did I not see this sooner,
really?
How did I not see this soonerReally?
(04:05):
How did I not see this sooner?
I remember, you know, askingthe question, you know when I,
when I first, when I firstrealized what was happening,
there was a big part of like,how the fuck did I not see this?
Like?
How was I blind to this?
Like?
The signs were all around me,it was everywhere, it was in his
(04:26):
behavior, it was in the way hewas getting dressed in the
morning, it was the way he wasmanscaping suddenly, but never
manscaped before.
It was, you know, in the wayyou know he was, you know, out
all hours of the night,disappearing all the time for
hours on end.
And you know all these thingsin in on the regular are not bad
(04:47):
patterns.
But for him, you know, havinghaving known him for as many
years as I had, these were allextremely out of character and
some of the signs were soblatantly obvious, like when I
would tell my friends later theywould be like what were you
waiting for?
Like a slop in the head to likeconvince you that buddy was
(05:08):
cheating on you?
And I'm, like you know, inretrospect, in retrospect and
this is true in retrospect I didtrust this person with my life.
You know, I would have put mylife in his hands and trust that
it would be fully taken care of, and I never, you know, I never
, ever my life in his hands andtrust that it would be fully
taken care of, and I never, youknow, I never, ever, ever gave
that love a second thought orquestioned it or or doubted it
(05:31):
in any in any way, even thoughyou know his behavior towards me
had changed.
His attitude towards me haschanged.
The way he was showing up inthe relationship had changed.
You know, he just was nothimself at all and I just
chalked it up to he's goingthrough a hard time.
He's stressed at work.
He's been working so many longhours.
(05:52):
They're constantly calling himat work Poor guy.
He's so overwhelmed, yeah,anyway.
So you know, having gone throughthat, you know there was a
period where I was angry atmyself.
I was angry at myself that Ididn't see it sooner.
How did I not see this?
How did I not realize this?
How was I so dumb to let thishappen?
(06:17):
Right, as if somehow it was myresponsibility, right?
And I think I had that thought.
I had like, how, how was I, howdid I let this happen?
How did I not see thishappening literally right
underneath my nose, right, um?
And how did I give my trust tosomebody so freely and fully who
(06:37):
clearly could not be trusted,right, um?
So you know, people will alwaystell you that you need to
forgive the person who cheatedon you.
And you know, here's my take onforgiveness I think we I think
we can hold the intention toforgive, but I think, at the end
of the day, we need to forgivewhen we're ready.
(06:58):
Um, we need to forgive whenwe're ready and we need to
forgive when it feels right.
I think if we do it too soon,sometimes it can leave us
vulnerable again.
And if we cling you know younever want to cling too long to
something and hold on tobitterness and resentment.
That's not good.
But also, you know, tellingyourself that you forgive
someone and it's okay, and Iforgive them.
(07:19):
Sometimes, you know, that alsohas its correct, its divine
timing, right, and I think weneed to trust that.
And I also think that there's adifference between forgiveness
and how we choose to moveforward in that relationship.
Sometimes people mistakeforgiveness with being okay, so
(07:42):
we can just kind of go back tonormal now, right.
And that doesn't have to be apartner.
It could be anybody thatbetrayed you, you know.
It could be a partner, a friend, a coworker, a boss, a sibling,
a mother, a father.
You know they do something thathurts you and you know you
hopefully call them out on it,right, and have an honest
conversation about it.
And you know, maybe you do needto do some forgiveness work
(08:07):
around that, right.
And I think you know peoplemistake forgiveness with okay,
so we can just go back to normalnow.
So like why haven't youforgiven me?
Like you should let it go andwe should move past this.
And you know, let's just put itin the rear view and it's like
you know what Sometimesforgiveness means.
I forgive you for what you didand you know, I realize where it
(08:30):
was coming from and I realizeyour side of the story or your
side of the reverse in asituation, and that's fine.
But I still don't choose to bein a relationship with you, and
that is okay, you know, becausesometimes if we, you know
there's forgiveness and thenthere's trust, and if we don't
trust that somebody is going todo that same hurtful thing again
, why bring them back into yourlife?
(08:51):
There's no reason for that.
None whatsoever Permissiongranted to forgive and say, okay
, au revoir, I don't need you inmy life.
You know that is a thing.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you goback to the way things were
right.
So please note that.
So you can forgive and saygoodbye.
Forgiveness and goodbye canhappen simultaneously.
(09:13):
You know there's no reason thatsays, because you've forgiven
somebody, like I said, you haveto go back to the way things
were.
No, that's not how things work.
So you can forgive.
You don't need to let them backinto your life.
You can acknowledge that theyhurt you and that you don't
trust them.
To let them back into your lifeagain, and that's okay and
that's the healthy thing to do.
If you don't trust somebody notto hurt you, not to cause you
(09:35):
pain, not to, you know,re-traumatize you again and
again it's a self-loving thingto do to not to let that person
back into your space, into yourworld, into your life, assuming,
obviously, that's coming from avery healthy place.
So, you know, forgive thatperson.
When you're ready, you canforgive them and let them go.
(09:58):
But I think and I rushed throughall that to get to the nitty
gritty of what I kind of wantedto talk about today, and that is
forgiving ourselves.
I think the hardest part in allof it was learning to forgive
myself for the betrayal, and notbecause I caused the betrayal.
Um, although I did blame myselfprofusely for it in the
(10:20):
beginning.
Um, I think I needed to forgivemyself, one for blaming myself
for it.
And two, letting myself off thehook for not having seen it.
And three, letting myself offthe hook for why it took me so
long to leave.
You know the situation was, itwas complicated, you know, and
there's no, these things arenever white, like white or black
(10:44):
, right, there's so much gray,right, and it's so.
There's so much nuance tonavigate with.
Like, every situation isdifferent, every experience of
betrayal is different.
You know you have to look atintent and you have to look at
patterns and you have to look at.
You know you have to look atintent and you have to look at
patterns and you have to look at, you know, was this an ongoing
(11:05):
thing or was this a one-timething?
Like I don't believe it's cutor dry.
They cheated, you leave.
You know, I think people makemistakes and I think it's how we
deal with those mistakes andthe heartbreak and how both
parties show up to therelationship or don't, to work
on it, to heal it and to rebuildthe trust again, right, and
that takes time and I think thatif people are willing to put in
the time on both sides andacknowledge their participation
(11:29):
in the experience, I think therecan be room for healing and I
think there can be room forrepair in the relationship.
But in the situation like mine,where it was very habitual, very
repetitive, never acknowledged,never taken responsibility for,
(11:49):
you know, constantly beinggaslit to make me think like I
was the crazy one, I was ajealous one, when I've never had
a jealous bone in my body.
To be honest, you know that forme I mean I I was angry as
myself for not leaving soonerand for putting up with it as
(12:10):
long as I did and for almosttrying to convince myself, like
to live in denial, that it neverhappened, that it wasn't true
that it never happened, that itwasn't true that I needed to
silence what I knew internallyto be true and trust what he was
(12:31):
telling me, even though what hewas telling me and his behavior
, his actions, were two totally,were saying two totally
different.
They were telling two totallydifferent stories and two
totally different versions ofthe truth.
Right, he was saying all theright things verbally, but
physically, like the way he wasbehaving in the relationship,
the patterns that I was seeing,the late nights, the late night
(12:56):
texts, the early phone calls,like it was everywhere, it was
everywhere and it was happeningliterally right under my nose.
One time she actually calledwhile we were still in bed
together on a Sunday morning andI could literally hear their
entire conversation.
Well, I had my head next to him, like next to his, on the
pillow, and you know, it stilltook me a long time to accept,
(13:23):
even though I knew in thatmoment what was happening, and
that was kind of the beginningof my undoing or the beginning
of my accepting what washappening, and then, ultimately,
that led to the undoing of therelationship and then,
ultimately, me.
But it took a long time.
It took a long time.
It took a lot of fighting.
It took a lot of fighting, tooka lot of fighting with him, a
(13:44):
lot of fighting with myself anda lot of fighting of what I knew
to be true and not knowing whatto believe.
You know, there was his versionand there was the version that
you know my gut was telling me,and so I wanted to believe him,
and so I think it made it easyto trust him over me.
It became the convenient truthin the story and it became the
(14:11):
less painful of the two options.
Right In the beginning, it wasbecause the more painful thing
would be to acknowledge what washappening, to own what I was
believing was happening and toact on it accordingly, because
that meant leaving the personthat I love most in the world
and that also meant now actuallyholding myself believing
(14:34):
something that I had no proof orvalidation, like that he
wouldn't prove or validate forme.
You know, he would constantlybe telling me it was me and it
was all in my head and I wasmaking, like you know, I was the
one with with the issue, right,um, so there would be the pain
of, you know, having to like,hold that and then be judged and
then, you know, make a decisionbased on that and then be
(14:55):
judged for it, right?
And then, and then his, hisjudgment or his, you know,
manipulation of that would thenmake me doubt myself, right?
So I had to get to the pointwhere I was like, no, no, no, I,
I believe this is what'shappened and it really doesn't
matter what you say or don't say, or show me or don't show me
anymore.
I know the truth, I know what'shappened and I'm going to make
(15:16):
the aligned decision based onwhat it is.
I know, um, which is always,you know, when we're coming from
a healthy place, when we don'thave a pattern of being jealous,
you know of our partners andthis, like I said, was a very
new thing for me and when wetruly do know what's happening
in our relationship and we knowwhen something is aligned or not
(15:38):
aligned.
It's important that we have thestrength to walk away from
something just based on the factthat this is what I know to be
true and I feel this in my bodyand I feel this intuitively.
I know that this is what'shappening and I don't need any
external validation to tell meotherwise.
So it was very like, you know,the whole experience was
(16:00):
actually quite empowering andhealing for me because it
learned, it taught me how totrust myself above all others,
right, and I think that was thebiggest gift, the second biggest
gift in this, other than thewhole, you know, hey, kind of
catapulted my life in a wholenew direction, but couldn't have
(16:22):
done that without theself-trust.
So that was an important piece.
But I think that ultimately, youknow, the first few years, you
know, still in the relationship,and then in the early years of
recovery, you know, one of thefirst things I had to do was
really forgive myself, and thatwas, you know, like I said how
did I not see this sooner?
How could I have let thishappen?
You know the heck did I dowrong for things to turn out
(16:45):
this way?
And I think that you knowself-forgiveness it's one of
those things where you know wehave to acknowledge that we were
doing the best that we could atthe time.
You know, at the time he was myuniverse.
At the time he was the personthat I would trust with my life
and I had no reason in my mindnot to trust him, right.
(17:10):
And so, you know, we have toremember, you know, hindsight is
always 2020.
You know, we see now what washappening.
We know now it was happening,we're able to see the patterns,
we're able to see the thing, thesigns, whatever.
But back then we didn't see it.
So all we could do was go, wasmake decisions and align our
(17:33):
actions with what it is.
We did know right and that wasall I knew at the time was that
this person loved me and, youknow, I would trust him with my
life and you know that he wasprobably going through a hard
time and that's where I wasnoticing the differences in his
behavior.
And instead of trying to attackhim for it and instead of
trying to blame him for it, youknow I was trying to be a good
(17:55):
partner, be a supportive partnerto be, you know, to help, maybe
kind of soothe or supportwhatever it was he was going
through.
I didn't know what was reallygoing on beneath the surface.
So you know what I think theforgiveness for me came from.
(18:15):
I did my best and I did what Iknew to be right at the time.
I did what felt like the rightthing for me to do, even if it
wasn't.
You know it felt right at thetime and you know, if I
struggled, even after I knewwhat was happening, right, and I
(18:39):
struggled to accept it, andthen, you know, it took me a
while to accept it and then,okay, well, I struggled to leave
right, even after I hadaccepted it.
Again, you know, this journeyhas not been an easy journey,
right, it's been a gentleunfolding of learning to love
and value myself above allothers.
(18:59):
And, based on where I was atthe time, I couldn't make those
decisions the way I would makethem now.
I couldn't.
I couldn't because I was tooafraid.
I was too afraid of being alone, I was too afraid that I would
never find somebody better.
Even though it was totally, like, dysfunctional and painful,
there was still that part of meof, well, what if I can't find
(19:20):
any better?
Right?
What if this is just?
What if this is as good as itgets?
What if we can get to the otherside of this, right?
What if we can get to the otherside of this and heal?
Because I, you know, you know,obviously there was love there.
So what if?
What if we can, you know, gothrough the motions, or you know
(19:51):
the motions, or do the work, orget the support, or get the
guidance and heal and mend ourrelationship right.
I want to give it every possiblechance and opportunity, tried
to convince myself that maybe itwas all in my head because the
behavior did stop for some time.
But then, after a verydifficult season that I thought
was actually going to set us onthe right track, I just started
to see it all over again andthat's where I was like you know
(20:13):
what, if, after this long andafter everything that we've been
through together, it stilldoesn't stop this from happening
, nothing will, and so I justfinally said I can't, I can't do
this anymore and I left.
So you know again, forgivenessfor not seeing it, forgiveness
(20:35):
for not trusting what I knew tobe true, and forgiveness for not
leaving mentally when knew tobe true, and forgiveness for not
leaving when I mentally, when Ithink I should have.
Everything's a lesson right,everything that we go through,
especially, you know, we do somuch of our healing and our
transformation through ourrelationships.
(20:56):
They're our greatest teachers,because they're the ones that
can hurt us the most.
And if they're the ones thatcan hurt us the most, they are
the ones that can actuallycreate the most healing and
transformation.
And so I had healed so much as aresult of this relationship, so
much in my life had transformedbecause of that singular
(21:18):
experience and you know italways goes back to you.
Know, I was doing the best thatI could do at the time with
what I knew, with what Ibelieved, with what my mind
could comprehend, right, I wasdoing the best that I could do
(21:39):
with that comprehend, right, Iwas doing the best that I could
do with that and knowing what Iknow.
Now, here is what I might do alittle different, right, and
that's kind of the mindset shiftyou need to take, right.
So, when you're struggling totrust yourself, when you're
struggling to forgive yourselffor past mistakes, right, for
(21:59):
letting the betrayal happen, fornot seeing it sooner, for not
knowing, you know, even thoughyou're smart, you're powerful,
you're capable, you're aconfident woman, you know
blaming yourself that you didn'tsee this side of the person
that you thought that you lovedand you know was going to be,
(22:21):
you know your person.
That is something that you haveto remind yourself again and
again until you believe it.
I did the best that I could doat the time and this was just a
learning experience for me tohelp me to evolve, and some of
you might be saying, okay, well,what was the lesson Like?
Why, why did I have to gothrough this?
(22:43):
Why did I have to go throughbeing cheated on and lied to and
gaslit about it for years?
Why did I have to go throughyou know, why did I have to?
Why did it have to take meyears to be able to leave?
Or why did I need proof beforeI could leave?
Or why did I not see the sideof his personality, you know?
(23:06):
And then, when you it's funnywhen these things happen there's
this moment, and I remember,I'm trying to remember when,
like so there was that momentwith a phone call, right, and I
hadn't included up until thatpoint what was happening.
All I knew is that I was seeingthese kind of weird signs and
weird behaviors, right.
And when that phone callhappened, suddenly there was
(23:28):
like this mental flashback ofall of the behaviors that I was
seeing and I was like how thefuck did I, like it was right in
front of me this whole time andI didn't see it and this person
and who they were and what theywere all about and what they
were doing behind my back.
It was right here, it waswritten on the wall, girl, it
was in marquee lights.
(23:49):
How the fuck did you not seethis Right?
And again, I think it comesfrom you.
Know, my lesson in all of thiswas, you know, I put and I can
safely say this now my lessonand I'm not saying that this is
your lesson, I'm saying this wasmy lesson my lesson was I put
(24:13):
more trust in him to guide me,to know what is best for us and
for our life.
I put more trust in him than Idid in my own inner voice.
I put more trust in him andwhat he was telling me, even
though my gut was telling mesomething totally different, and
(24:36):
I would take his word for itand I would take it at face
value, even though his behaviorswere not congruent with what he
was saying.
And so I think my lesson in allof that was to learn to not put
(24:59):
my trust in others over trustin myself again, to know that
you know what I feel to be true,what I see with my eyes not
what they're telling me, butwhat I see with my eyes to be
true holds water, and I need topay attention to that right and
I need to be able to trust thatI need to be able to make
(25:20):
decisions based on that and Idon't I don't need to have those
decisions validated orconfirmed in any way by anyone
else outside of me.
Right, I can make the aligneddecision, knowing what I know
and feel, and move forward andtake aligned action and make
(25:41):
aligned decisions in my life,and I think that was a power
that I gave away in thatrelationship and that was my
lesson in that experience.
So I acknowledge so in the waythat we forgive ourselves.
The way that we forgiveourselves is we say, hey, we're
all here as spiritual beingshaving a human experience and
(26:04):
we're all experiencing lessonsso that we can evolve
spiritually, so we can heal someshit right.
Move through some shit so wecan heal some shit right.
So I had to move through thisso I could heal that part of me
that puts my trust into otherpeople instead of trusting
myself and what I know to betrue.
So I know that I needed to movethrough this for healing and it
(26:25):
wasn't because I was a badperson and it wasn't because I
wasn't evolved spiritually orbecause you know yeah, I was.
You know I did have codependenttendencies and I did, I, I.
That was a thing for me and Iwas a people pleaser, right, and
this was just one of my lessonsin learning to undo those
patterns.
And so I let myself off the hookby saying, okay, this was an
(26:47):
experience that I needed to havein order to move through this.
And I was, I know, beyond ashadow of a doubt.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt,based on what I knew and
believed at the time, I made thebest decisions I could make and
where I was emotionally andwhat I was emotionally ready to
take on and move through, I madethe best decision that I could
at the time.
Because I could tell you rightnow, if I had left when I first,
(27:10):
when I first um caught wind ofwhat was happening, um, my
trajectory, my healingtrajectory, would have been way
different, because when I left,I was feeling very empowered and
very ready to leave.
And so when I, when I movedthrough that, when I, when I got
to that time where I was ableto kind of step away and say no,
(27:31):
no, this is a decision I'mmaking and it doesn't really
matter what you say, whether youagree or don't, or validate
what I believe or not.
This is the decision I'm takingand this is how I'm going to be
moving forward with my life.
I was able to do that from veryempowered place versus.
You know, had I done it beforeI, it would not have been the
empowering experience that Iwould have wanted it to be.
(27:53):
So you have to look for theevidence that you were doing the
best that you could at the timeand that in some way, shape or
form sticking around or whatever, whatever it was whatever the
mistake was that you're thatyou're beating yourself up for.
You have to acknowledge that,for, whatever it was, it was
serving you at the time to dothat very thing that you are
(28:16):
beating yourself up now forright, and it made sense at the
time to do that very thing thatyou are beating yourself up now
for Right.
And it made sense at the timeand it was the best you could do
at the time and it was servinga very powerful purpose at the
time and that now, in hindsight,you're able to see the lesson.
So the whole thing and how itunfolded actually benefited you
(28:37):
in the end.
So, whatever your situation,whether somebody cheated on you,
whether somebody manipulatedyou, whether somebody gassed at
you into thinking that you werecrazy and you were the problem
and you were just imaginingthings, or whether somebody
actually presented themselves asa totally different person than
who they actually were, and youfeel like you were completely
fooled and blindsided by who youwere actually with right, and
(28:58):
now you're blaming yourself forit.
Go back, imagine yourself.
Go back to the person who wasnot the person now.
Who knows who, in hindsight, is20-20.
Go back to the person there.
What was she ready to accept?
What was she ready to accept?
What did she need to learn?
(29:18):
Where was her mindset at thetime in terms of what she
believed to be true about thisperson?
That was all necessary, even ifit was false.
It was necessary because ithelps you get to the point to
where you are today.
If you imagine that everyrelationship, every experience
(29:39):
that you have with someone is insome way, shape or form,
transforming you right, eventhough they may be difficult,
even though they may be painful,even though they may be
triggering.
If you can imagine that everysingle relationship in your life
is in some way shape or formtransforming you, teaching you
or healing you or guiding you,then you're able to take the
little nuggets of wisdom thatthese relationships can bring
(30:05):
and kind of.
You know, let yourself off thehook.
We're all messy, we're allhuman, we all make mistakes.
We never do anything perfectlyand we're never.
We're always evolving.
So the person that I am todayis not the same person I was a
week ago.
It's not the same person I wasa year ago.
We're always seeing where wecould have done things better
(30:26):
and that's just part of beinghuman, because we've evolved.
But a week ago, a month ago, ayear ago, 10 years ago, I wasn't
thinking the way that I amright now.
So you have to give yourselfsome grace for that and you have
to remember there was animportant reason why you needed
to go through that experience.
So, although you may think youfucked up by staying or making
(30:48):
or not leaving, or not trusting,or not listening to or not
having seen it sooner,everything happened in divine
timing and you have to trustthat.
So, if you can just trustyourself saying I did the best
that I could at the time, and Iknow that everything unfolded in
divine timing, so, for whateverreason, that needed to play out
(31:09):
the way that it did, and Ichoose to honor that, and I
choose to accept that and Ichoose to make that mean nothing
about me, and that is the.
You have to just keep lookingfor evidence of those things.
Keep looking for evidence ofhow that was the best you could
do at the time.
Keep looking for the evidenceof how moving through that
(31:29):
experience was important for you.
And then just hold yourself inthat forgiveness and the
forgiveness will get easier whenyou start to realize it wasn't
a mistake.
You didn't fuck it up.
You were meant to move throughthat and it was meant to
transform you and, if you let it, it was meant to elevate you,
(31:49):
which is what we're gonna betalking about in the coming days
in the series.
So that about wraps it up fortoday.
Tomorrow we're going to betalking about the rage you're
afraid to feel and let me tellyou there was so much rage after
this, Um, and I know it's scaryand I know it's uncomfortable,
but it is actually serving youin a really powerful way.
(32:10):
So we're going to talk aboutthat tomorrow and there's also
going to be a masterclass.
So the details for everythingis in the show notes.
Make sure to check that out andmake sure to follow me at the
femcast on the gram.
Okay, if you guys love thisepisode.
Please leave a positive ratingand review, and I love you for
with all my heart.
Um, help these episodes get out, cause I know there's a lot of
(32:30):
women out there who actuallyneed this right now.
Um, and that is it for today.
Until tomorrow, you guys,massive love.
You guys, what is up?
And welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here and I'm especially
excited and grateful for thisfrickin episode.
I've been wanting to do thisfor so long and it is finally
here.
I've started a new series onthe podcast, okay, so it's
called the sacred reclamationpodcast series and there's going
(00:20):
to be different kind of serieskind of spread out throughout
the year.
This one in particular is thebetrayal edition.
So if you've ever been lied to,betrayed or manipulated in a
relationship or been made tobelieve that your partner was
something other or someone otherthan who he was, you are in the
(00:42):
right place.
You guys, we're going to dofive episodes five days in a row
, back to back.
I am so fucking excited.
I cannot wait.
And the reason why I think Iwanted to start with this one in
particular doing the BetrayalEdition first and starting with
this one was number one.
It really did mark the turningpoint for me in terms of my
(01:07):
transformation, my spiritualevolution, my healing, so many
things that happened andoccurred in my life as a result
of being cheated on, basically,and lied to, manipulated for
years.
Right, lied to manipulated foryears, right.
(01:30):
It became my platform.
It became my stepping stone tosomething that, honestly, had
you told me before all of thiswent down, that what was going
to how my life was going to turnout and the things that I was
going to experience andaccomplish in my life.
I never would have believed itright, because I was, I guess
you could, for lack of a betterword.
I was asleep.
I was just kind of movingthrough life, going through the
motions.
(01:50):
You know, being a peoplepleaser, I kind of let people's
external validation guide mylife and my decisions and you
know I didn't even stop to thinkwhat was possible or what I
wanted, or you know what if Idid want something out of the
box right possible, or what Iwanted, or you know what if I
did want something out of thebox right.
So I think you know, goingthrough that experience as
painful as it was, of betrayal,of you know feeling the mistrust
(02:14):
, the pain, the hurt, the traumaand everything that kind of it
became my platform for literallythe biggest elevation of my
life and transformation.
So that's kind of why I wantedto start there, also because for
the longest time the toprunning episode here at the
Femcast has always been and hasbeen for my well, not for I mean
(02:36):
.
The episode, I think, only cameout within the last like year,
maybe even several months, Ican't remember when I actually
launched the episode, but it isliterally every week my top
listen to episode again andagain, which is, um, how to cope
with being cheated on.
Um, which you know, obviously,is something that we've all kind
of struggled with and we'retrying to navigate and there's
(02:59):
no cookie cutter way of gettingthrough it.
And I think that, as women, youknow there's many different
narratives out there of how weshould, what we should or should
not do and we've been cheatedon and how do we respond and how
do we move through and how dowe take that and move through
life and heal from it and gopast it?
Um, there's tons of narrativesout there.
Some of my methods you might'veheard other places, some of
(03:22):
them might be different, but I'mgoing to tell you, as somebody
who used being cheated on as acatapult for the rest of her
life.
I'm going to tell you what Idid and you can take what
resonates and leave the rest,but this is literally what I did
in order to move through thatexperience and come out of it on
(03:44):
the other side way moreempowered and much more aligned
with the life that I trulywanted, as opposed to the one
that I was settling for allalong.
So if this sounds like you payattention.
Like I said, it's going to befive days.
Today we're talking all abouthow did I not see this sooner,
really?
How did I not see this soonerReally?
(04:05):
How did I not see this sooner?
I remember, you know, askingthe question, you know when I,
when I first, when I firstrealized what was happening,
there was a big part of like,how the fuck did I not see this?
Like?
How was I blind to this?
Like?
The signs were all around me,it was everywhere, it was in his
(04:26):
behavior, it was in the way hewas getting dressed in the
morning, it was the way he wasmanscaping suddenly, but never
manscaped before.
It was, you know, in the wayyou know he was, you know, out
all hours of the night,disappearing all the time for
hours on end.
And you know all these thingsin in on the regular are not bad
(04:47):
patterns.
But for him, you know, havinghaving known him for as many
years as I had, these were allextremely out of character and
some of the signs were soblatantly obvious, like when I
would tell my friends later theywould be like what were you
waiting for?
Like a slop in the head to likeconvince you that buddy was
(05:08):
cheating on you?
And I'm, like you know, inretrospect, in retrospect and
this is true in retrospect I didtrust this person with my life.
You know, I would have put mylife in his hands and trust that
it would be fully taken care of, and I never, you know, I never
, ever my life in his hands andtrust that it would be fully
taken care of, and I never, youknow, I never, ever, ever gave
that love a second thought orquestioned it or or doubted it
(05:31):
in any in any way, even thoughyou know his behavior towards me
had changed.
His attitude towards me haschanged.
The way he was showing up inthe relationship had changed.
You know, he just was nothimself at all and I just
chalked it up to he's goingthrough a hard time.
He's stressed at work.
He's been working so many longhours.
(05:52):
They're constantly calling himat work Poor guy.
He's so overwhelmed, yeah,anyway.
So you know, having gone throughthat, you know there was a
period where I was angry atmyself.
I was angry at myself that Ididn't see it sooner.
How did I not see this?
How did I not realize this?
How was I so dumb to let thishappen?
(06:17):
Right, as if somehow it was myresponsibility, right?
And I think I had that thought.
I had like, how, how was I, howdid I let this happen?
How did I not see thishappening literally right
underneath my nose, right, um?
And how did I give my trust tosomebody so freely and fully who
(06:37):
clearly could not be trusted,right, um?
So you know, people will alwaystell you that you need to
forgive the person who cheatedon you.
And you know, here's my take onforgiveness I think we I think
we can hold the intention toforgive, but I think, at the end
of the day, we need to forgivewhen we're ready.
(06:58):
Um, we need to forgive whenwe're ready and we need to
forgive when it feels right.
I think if we do it too soon,sometimes it can leave us
vulnerable again.
And if we cling you know younever want to cling too long to
something and hold on tobitterness and resentment.
That's not good.
But also, you know, tellingyourself that you forgive
someone and it's okay, and Iforgive them.
(07:19):
Sometimes, you know, that alsohas its correct, its divine
timing, right, and I think weneed to trust that.
And I also think that there's adifference between forgiveness
and how we choose to moveforward in that relationship.
Sometimes people mistakeforgiveness with being okay, so
(07:42):
we can just kind of go back tonormal now, right.
And that doesn't have to be apartner.
It could be anybody thatbetrayed you, you know.
It could be a partner, a friend, a coworker, a boss, a sibling,
a mother, a father.
You know they do something thathurts you and you know you
hopefully call them out on it,right, and have an honest
conversation about it.
And you know, maybe you do needto do some forgiveness work
(08:07):
around that, right.
And I think you know peoplemistake forgiveness with okay,
so we can just go back to normalnow.
So like why haven't youforgiven me?
Like you should let it go andwe should move past this.
And you know, let's just put itin the rear view and it's like
you know what Sometimesforgiveness means.
I forgive you for what you didand you know, I realize where it
(08:30):
was coming from and I realizeyour side of the story or your
side of the reverse in asituation, and that's fine.
But I still don't choose to bein a relationship with you, and
that is okay, you know, becausesometimes if we, you know
there's forgiveness and thenthere's trust, and if we don't
trust that somebody is going todo that same hurtful thing again
, why bring them back into yourlife?
(08:51):
There's no reason for that.
None whatsoever Permissiongranted to forgive and say, okay
, au revoir, I don't need you inmy life.
You know that is a thing.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you goback to the way things were
right.
So please note that.
So you can forgive and saygoodbye.
Forgiveness and goodbye canhappen simultaneously.
(09:13):
You know there's no reason thatsays, because you've forgiven
somebody, like I said, you haveto go back to the way things
were.
No, that's not how things work.
So you can forgive.
You don't need to let them backinto your life.
You can acknowledge that theyhurt you and that you don't
trust them.
To let them back into your lifeagain, and that's okay and
that's the healthy thing to do.
If you don't trust somebody notto hurt you, not to cause you
(09:35):
pain, not to, you know,re-traumatize you again and
again it's a self-loving thingto do to not to let that person
back into your space, into yourworld, into your life, assuming,
obviously, that's coming from avery healthy place.
So, you know, forgive thatperson.
When you're ready, you canforgive them and let them go.
(09:58):
But I think and I rushed throughall that to get to the nitty
gritty of what I kind of wantedto talk about today, and that is
forgiving ourselves.
I think the hardest part in allof it was learning to forgive
myself for the betrayal, and notbecause I caused the betrayal.
Um, although I did blame myselfprofusely for it in the
(10:20):
beginning.
Um, I think I needed to forgivemyself, one for blaming myself
for it.
And two, letting myself off thehook for not having seen it.
And three, letting myself offthe hook for why it took me so
long to leave.
You know the situation was, itwas complicated, you know, and
there's no, these things arenever white, like white or black
(10:44):
, right, there's so much gray,right, and it's so.
There's so much nuance tonavigate with.
Like, every situation isdifferent, every experience of
betrayal is different.
You know you have to look atintent and you have to look at
patterns and you have to look at.
You know you have to look atintent and you have to look at
patterns and you have to look at, you know, was this an ongoing
(11:05):
thing or was this a one-timething?
Like I don't believe it's cutor dry.
They cheated, you leave.
You know, I think people makemistakes and I think it's how we
deal with those mistakes andthe heartbreak and how both
parties show up to therelationship or don't, to work
on it, to heal it and to rebuildthe trust again, right, and
that takes time and I think thatif people are willing to put in
the time on both sides andacknowledge their participation
(11:29):
in the experience, I think therecan be room for healing and I
think there can be room forrepair in the relationship.
But in the situation like mine,where it was very habitual, very
repetitive, never acknowledged,never taken responsibility for,
(11:49):
you know, constantly beinggaslit to make me think like I
was the crazy one, I was ajealous one, when I've never had
a jealous bone in my body.
To be honest, you know that forme I mean I I was angry as
myself for not leaving soonerand for putting up with it as
(12:10):
long as I did and for almosttrying to convince myself, like
to live in denial, that it neverhappened, that it wasn't true
that it never happened, that itwasn't true that I needed to
silence what I knew internallyto be true and trust what he was
(12:31):
telling me, even though what hewas telling me and his behavior
, his actions, were two totally,were saying two totally
different.
They were telling two totallydifferent stories and two
totally different versions ofthe truth.
Right, he was saying all theright things verbally, but
physically, like the way he wasbehaving in the relationship,
the patterns that I was seeing,the late nights, the late night
(12:56):
texts, the early phone calls,like it was everywhere, it was
everywhere and it was happeningliterally right under my nose.
One time she actually calledwhile we were still in bed
together on a Sunday morning andI could literally hear their
entire conversation.
Well, I had my head next to him, like next to his, on the
pillow, and you know, it stilltook me a long time to accept,
(13:23):
even though I knew in thatmoment what was happening, and
that was kind of the beginningof my undoing or the beginning
of my accepting what washappening, and then, ultimately,
that led to the undoing of therelationship and then,
ultimately, me.
But it took a long time.
It took a long time.
It took a lot of fighting.
It took a lot of fighting, tooka lot of fighting with him, a
(13:44):
lot of fighting with myself anda lot of fighting of what I knew
to be true and not knowing whatto believe.
You know, there was his versionand there was the version that
you know my gut was telling me,and so I wanted to believe him,
and so I think it made it easyto trust him over me.
It became the convenient truthin the story and it became the
(14:11):
less painful of the two options.
Right In the beginning, it wasbecause the more painful thing
would be to acknowledge what washappening, to own what I was
believing was happening and toact on it accordingly, because
that meant leaving the personthat I love most in the world
and that also meant now actuallyholding myself believing
(14:34):
something that I had no proof orvalidation, like that he
wouldn't prove or validate forme.
You know, he would constantlybe telling me it was me and it
was all in my head and I wasmaking, like you know, I was the
one with with the issue, right,um, so there would be the pain
of, you know, having to like,hold that and then be judged and
then, you know, make a decisionbased on that and then be
(14:55):
judged for it, right?
And then, and then his, hisjudgment or his, you know,
manipulation of that would thenmake me doubt myself, right?
So I had to get to the pointwhere I was like, no, no, no, I,
I believe this is what'shappened and it really doesn't
matter what you say or don't say, or show me or don't show me
anymore.
I know the truth, I know what'shappened and I'm going to make
(15:16):
the aligned decision based onwhat it is.
I know, um, which is always,you know, when we're coming from
a healthy place, when we don'thave a pattern of being jealous,
you know of our partners andthis, like I said, was a very
new thing for me and when wetruly do know what's happening
in our relationship and we knowwhen something is aligned or not
(15:38):
aligned.
It's important that we have thestrength to walk away from
something just based on the factthat this is what I know to be
true and I feel this in my bodyand I feel this intuitively.
I know that this is what'shappening and I don't need any
external validation to tell meotherwise.
So it was very like, you know,the whole experience was
(16:00):
actually quite empowering andhealing for me because it
learned, it taught me how totrust myself above all others,
right, and I think that was thebiggest gift, the second biggest
gift in this, other than thewhole, you know, hey, kind of
catapulted my life in a wholenew direction, but couldn't have
(16:22):
done that without theself-trust.
So that was an important piece.
But I think that ultimately, youknow, the first few years, you
know, still in the relationship,and then in the early years of
recovery, you know, one of thefirst things I had to do was
really forgive myself, and thatwas, you know, like I said how
did I not see this sooner?
How could I have let thishappen?
You know the heck did I dowrong for things to turn out
(16:45):
this way?
And I think that you knowself-forgiveness it's one of
those things where you know wehave to acknowledge that we were
doing the best that we could atthe time.
You know, at the time he was myuniverse.
At the time he was the personthat I would trust with my life
and I had no reason in my mindnot to trust him, right.
(17:10):
And so, you know, we have toremember, you know, hindsight is
always 2020.
You know, we see now what washappening.
We know now it was happening,we're able to see the patterns,
we're able to see the thing, thesigns, whatever.
But back then we didn't see it.
So all we could do was go, wasmake decisions and align our
(17:33):
actions with what it is.
We did know right and that wasall I knew at the time was that
this person loved me and, youknow, I would trust him with my
life and you know that he wasprobably going through a hard
time and that's where I wasnoticing the differences in his
behavior.
And instead of trying to attackhim for it and instead of
trying to blame him for it, youknow I was trying to be a good
(17:55):
partner, be a supportive partnerto be, you know, to help, maybe
kind of soothe or supportwhatever it was he was going
through.
I didn't know what was reallygoing on beneath the surface.
So you know what I think theforgiveness for me came from.
(18:15):
I did my best and I did what Iknew to be right at the time.
I did what felt like the rightthing for me to do, even if it
wasn't.
You know it felt right at thetime and you know, if I
struggled, even after I knewwhat was happening, right, and I
(18:39):
struggled to accept it, andthen, you know, it took me a
while to accept it and then,okay, well, I struggled to leave
right, even after I hadaccepted it.
Again, you know, this journeyhas not been an easy journey,
right, it's been a gentleunfolding of learning to love
and value myself above allothers.
(18:59):
And, based on where I was atthe time, I couldn't make those
decisions the way I would makethem now.
I couldn't.
I couldn't because I was tooafraid.
I was too afraid of being alone, I was too afraid that I would
never find somebody better.
Even though it was totally, like, dysfunctional and painful,
there was still that part of meof, well, what if I can't find
(19:20):
any better?
Right?
What if this is just?
What if this is as good as itgets?
What if we can get to the otherside of this, right?
What if we can get to the otherside of this and heal?
Because I, you know, you know,obviously there was love there.
So what if?
What if we can, you know, gothrough the motions, or you know
(19:51):
the motions, or do the work, orget the support, or get the
guidance and heal and mend ourrelationship right.
I want to give it every possiblechance and opportunity, tried
to convince myself that maybe itwas all in my head because the
behavior did stop for some time.
But then, after a verydifficult season that I thought
was actually going to set us onthe right track, I just started
to see it all over again andthat's where I was like you know
(20:13):
what, if, after this long andafter everything that we've been
through together, it stilldoesn't stop this from happening
, nothing will, and so I justfinally said I can't, I can't do
this anymore and I left.
So you know again, forgivenessfor not seeing it, forgiveness
(20:35):
for not trusting what I knew tobe true, and forgiveness for not
leaving mentally when knew tobe true, and forgiveness for not
leaving when I mentally, when Ithink I should have.
Everything's a lesson right,everything that we go through,
especially, you know, we do somuch of our healing and our
transformation through ourrelationships.
(20:56):
They're our greatest teachers,because they're the ones that
can hurt us the most.
And if they're the ones thatcan hurt us the most, they are
the ones that can actuallycreate the most healing and
transformation.
And so I had healed so much as aresult of this relationship, so
much in my life had transformedbecause of that singular
(21:18):
experience and you know italways goes back to you.
Know, I was doing the best thatI could do at the time with
what I knew, with what Ibelieved, with what my mind
could comprehend, right, I wasdoing the best that I could do
(21:39):
with that comprehend, right, Iwas doing the best that I could
do with that and knowing what Iknow.
Now, here is what I might do alittle different, right, and
that's kind of the mindset shiftyou need to take, right.
So, when you're struggling totrust yourself, when you're
struggling to forgive yourselffor past mistakes, right, for
(21:59):
letting the betrayal happen, fornot seeing it sooner, for not
knowing, you know, even thoughyou're smart, you're powerful,
you're capable, you're aconfident woman, you know
blaming yourself that you didn'tsee this side of the person
that you thought that you lovedand you know was going to be,
(22:21):
you know your person.
That is something that you haveto remind yourself again and
again until you believe it.
I did the best that I could doat the time and this was just a
learning experience for me tohelp me to evolve, and some of
you might be saying, okay, well,what was the lesson Like?
Why, why did I have to gothrough this?
(22:43):
Why did I have to go throughbeing cheated on and lied to and
gaslit about it for years?
Why did I have to go throughyou know, why did I have to?
Why did it have to take meyears to be able to leave?
Or why did I need proof beforeI could leave?
Or why did I not see the sideof his personality, you know?
(23:06):
And then, when you it's funnywhen these things happen there's
this moment, and I remember,I'm trying to remember when,
like so there was that momentwith a phone call, right, and I
hadn't included up until thatpoint what was happening.
All I knew is that I was seeingthese kind of weird signs and
weird behaviors, right.
And when that phone callhappened, suddenly there was
(23:28):
like this mental flashback ofall of the behaviors that I was
seeing and I was like how thefuck did I, like it was right in
front of me this whole time andI didn't see it and this person
and who they were and what theywere all about and what they
were doing behind my back.
It was right here, it waswritten on the wall, girl, it
was in marquee lights.
(23:49):
How the fuck did you not seethis Right?
And again, I think it comesfrom you.
Know, my lesson in all of thiswas, you know, I put and I can
safely say this now my lessonand I'm not saying that this is
your lesson, I'm saying this wasmy lesson my lesson was I put
(24:13):
more trust in him to guide me,to know what is best for us and
for our life.
I put more trust in him than Idid in my own inner voice.
I put more trust in him andwhat he was telling me, even
though my gut was telling mesomething totally different, and
(24:36):
I would take his word for itand I would take it at face
value, even though his behaviorswere not congruent with what he
was saying.
And so I think my lesson in allof that was to learn to not put
(24:59):
my trust in others over trustin myself again, to know that
you know what I feel to be true,what I see with my eyes not
what they're telling me, butwhat I see with my eyes to be
true holds water, and I need topay attention to that right and
I need to be able to trust thatI need to be able to make
(25:20):
decisions based on that and Idon't I don't need to have those
decisions validated orconfirmed in any way by anyone
else outside of me.
Right, I can make the aligneddecision, knowing what I know
and feel, and move forward andtake aligned action and make
(25:41):
aligned decisions in my life,and I think that was a power
that I gave away in thatrelationship and that was my
lesson in that experience.
So I acknowledge so in the waythat we forgive ourselves.
The way that we forgiveourselves is we say, hey, we're
all here as spiritual beingshaving a human experience and
(26:04):
we're all experiencing lessonsso that we can evolve
spiritually, so we can heal someshit right.
Move through some shit so wecan heal some shit right.
So I had to move through thisso I could heal that part of me
that puts my trust into otherpeople instead of trusting
myself and what I know to betrue.
So I know that I needed to movethrough this for healing and it
(26:25):
wasn't because I was a badperson and it wasn't because I
wasn't evolved spiritually orbecause you know yeah, I was.
You know I did have codependenttendencies and I did, I, I.
That was a thing for me and Iwas a people pleaser, right, and
this was just one of my lessonsin learning to undo those
patterns.
And so I let myself off the hookby saying, okay, this was an
(26:47):
experience that I needed to havein order to move through this.
And I was, I know, beyond ashadow of a doubt.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt,based on what I knew and
believed at the time, I made thebest decisions I could make and
where I was emotionally andwhat I was emotionally ready to
take on and move through, I madethe best decision that I could
at the time.
Because I could tell you rightnow, if I had left when I first,
(27:10):
when I first um caught wind ofwhat was happening, um, my
trajectory, my healingtrajectory, would have been way
different, because when I left,I was feeling very empowered and
very ready to leave.
And so when I, when I movedthrough that, when I, when I got
to that time where I was ableto kind of step away and say no,
(27:31):
no, this is a decision I'mmaking and it doesn't really
matter what you say, whether youagree or don't, or validate
what I believe or not.
This is the decision I'm takingand this is how I'm going to be
moving forward with my life.
I was able to do that from veryempowered place versus.
You know, had I done it beforeI, it would not have been the
empowering experience that Iwould have wanted it to be.
(27:53):
So you have to look for theevidence that you were doing the
best that you could at the timeand that in some way, shape or
form sticking around or whatever, whatever it was whatever the
mistake was that you're thatyou're beating yourself up for.
You have to acknowledge that,for, whatever it was, it was
serving you at the time to dothat very thing that you are
(28:16):
beating yourself up now forright, and it made sense at the
time to do that very thing thatyou are beating yourself up now
for Right.
And it made sense at the timeand it was the best you could do
at the time and it was servinga very powerful purpose at the
time and that now, in hindsight,you're able to see the lesson.
So the whole thing and how itunfolded actually benefited you
(28:37):
in the end.
So, whatever your situation,whether somebody cheated on you,
whether somebody manipulatedyou, whether somebody gassed at
you into thinking that you werecrazy and you were the problem
and you were just imaginingthings, or whether somebody
actually presented themselves asa totally different person than
who they actually were, and youfeel like you were completely
fooled and blindsided by who youwere actually with right, and
(28:58):
now you're blaming yourself forit.
Go back, imagine yourself.
Go back to the person who wasnot the person now.
Who knows who, in hindsight, is20-20.
Go back to the person there.
What was she ready to accept?
What was she ready to accept?
What did she need to learn?
(29:18):
Where was her mindset at thetime in terms of what she
believed to be true about thisperson?
That was all necessary, even ifit was false.
It was necessary because ithelps you get to the point to
where you are today.
If you imagine that everyrelationship, every experience
(29:39):
that you have with someone is insome way, shape or form,
transforming you right, eventhough they may be difficult,
even though they may be painful,even though they may be
triggering.
If you can imagine that everysingle relationship in your life
is in some way shape or formtransforming you, teaching you
or healing you or guiding you,then you're able to take the
little nuggets of wisdom thatthese relationships can bring
(30:05):
and kind of.
You know, let yourself off thehook.
We're all messy, we're allhuman, we all make mistakes.
We never do anything perfectlyand we're never.
We're always evolving.
So the person that I am todayis not the same person I was a
week ago.
It's not the same person I wasa year ago.
We're always seeing where wecould have done things better
(30:26):
and that's just part of beinghuman, because we've evolved.
But a week ago, a month ago, ayear ago, 10 years ago, I wasn't
thinking the way that I amright now.
So you have to give yourselfsome grace for that and you have
to remember there was animportant reason why you needed
to go through that experience.
So, although you may think youfucked up by staying or making
(30:48):
or not leaving, or not trusting,or not listening to or not
having seen it sooner,everything happened in divine
timing and you have to trustthat.
So, if you can just trustyourself saying I did the best
that I could at the time, and Iknow that everything unfolded in
divine timing, so, for whateverreason, that needed to play out
(31:09):
the way that it did, and Ichoose to honor that, and I
choose to accept that and Ichoose to make that mean nothing
about me, and that is the.
You have to just keep lookingfor evidence of those things.
Keep looking for evidence ofhow that was the best you could
do at the time.
Keep looking for the evidenceof how moving through that
(31:29):
experience was important for you.
And then just hold yourself inthat forgiveness and the
forgiveness will get easier whenyou start to realize it wasn't
a mistake.
You didn't fuck it up.
You were meant to move throughthat and it was meant to
transform you and, if you let it, it was meant to elevate you,
(31:49):
which is what we're gonna betalking about in the coming days
in the series.
So that about wraps it up fortoday.
Tomorrow we're going to betalking about the rage you're
afraid to feel and let me tellyou there was so much rage after
this, Um, and I know it's scaryand I know it's uncomfortable,
but it is actually serving youin a really powerful way.
(32:10):
So we're going to talk aboutthat tomorrow and there's also
going to be a masterclass.
So the details for everythingis in the show notes.
Make sure to check that out andmake sure to follow me at the
femcast on the gram.
Okay, if you guys love thisepisode.
Please leave a positive ratingand review, and I love you for
with all my heart.
Um, help these episodes get out, cause I know there's a lot of
(32:30):
women out there who actuallyneed this right now.
Um, and that is it for today.
Until tomorrow, you guys,massive love.
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