You survived the betrayal… but now what?
If you’re still cooking the same meals, following the same routines, and trying to squeeze yourself into the exact life you had before it all fell apart — this episode is your wake-up call.
When my relationship ended in betrayal, I clung to the familiar. I stayed in the same job. Bought the same groceries. Maintained the same habits — even when they felt hollow. I think subconsciously part of me was hoping that if I just held it all together, maybe someone new would step in and pick up where he left off.
But one night, standing alone in my tiny downtown apartment with a fridge full of food I didn’t want to cook and a heart full of resentment, I had a breakdown — or rather, a breakthrough.
Why was I fighting to preserve a life that never truly felt like mine?
In this raw, unfiltered episode of The Femme Cast, I’m taking you inside that moment — and what happened next. This is about more than heartbreak. It’s about waking up to the ways you’ve betrayed yourself… and choosing to burn down the life you built around someone else.
We’ll explore:
🎤 Why clinging to “normal” after betrayal keeps you stuck in survival mode
🎤 The difference between healing and holding yourself hostage to the past
🎤 How I went from ordering pizza and wine every night… to dancing, traveling solo, and building a life that finally felt like mine
🎤 What it really means to burn it all down — and how to do it without losing your mind
🎤 The small daily shifts that transformed my entire existence
This episode isn’t about destruction. It’s about reclamation. It’s about building a life that lights you up from the inside out — not one that just looks good on paper.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Who am I without him?”... this is the first step toward finding out.
Let this be your blank canvas. What would you paint?
🎧 Tune in now and get ready to meet the woman you were always meant to be.
Are you healing from cheating? Betrayal? A heartbreak that not only broke your heart but broke your life?
If so, join me for She Rises: A FREE & LIVE 90-minute healing and activation experience for the woman ready to alchemize the pain of lies, betrayal, and being cheated on into unapologetic power, radiant confidence, and the woman she was always meant to be.
Betrayal doesn’t get the final word — you do.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
Today is day three of theSacred Reclamation series, the
Betrayal Edition.
So today we're talking allabout burning it down.
We are burning it all downtoday and why you don't want to
make the mistake of trying torebuild the life that you had,
(00:25):
and I speak from experience.
Obviously, everything I sharewith you guys on this podcast is
stuff that I've experiencedfirsthand, and this was, I think
, probably one of the biggestmistakes when I first got out of
that relationship and startedto try to start my life over and
rebuild after, kind of like,the devastation and the
(00:46):
destruction and I think, youknow, for the longest time I
just I don't even know if Itried to rebuild the same life.
I don't know if rebuilding isthe right word.
I think I start.
I tried to maintain the samelife.
I was still cooking meals thatwe like to eat together, that
you know recipes that were kindof made for two.
(01:09):
I still planned the same boringvacations.
I still had the same Saturdaymorning routine of cleaning the
house and then going shopping.
Essentially nothing changedexcept, you know, I went from
being partnered to single.
That was the only change thathappened in my life.
(01:30):
Initially, um, and so I don'tknow when it was exactly, but I
was.
You know, I had just moved intomy new apartment.
I had the coolest little.
I called it a shoe box becauseit literally was a shoe box.
It was this like the cutestlittle bachelor pad in it a shoe
box because it literally was ashoe box.
It was this like the cutestlittle bachelor pad in like
downtown Toronto, right in theTIFF light box district and, you
(01:52):
know, like five minute walkfrom work at the time, because I
was working in my corporate joband you know, every night you
know I was coming home, you know, and if I wasn't cooking one of
those, like I was trying tocook the meals that we had
always cooked together, and whatoftentimes ended up happening
(02:13):
was I didn't have the motivationto make those meals or eat them
alone.
So I ended up ordering a pizzaand drinking half a bottle of
wine and calling it a day, andso I was like I was buying all
this food that we would normallyeat.
I was looking for vacationsthat you know we would normally
take together.
I was basically like basicallyliving the same life I was
(02:34):
living and trying to, you know,maintain the familiarity.
And then, one night after Idon't know how many, like how
many days of eating pizza anddrinking half a bottle of wine
to calm down at the end of thenight, I'm like, why am I doing
(02:55):
this?
Exactly?
Like, why, why am I trying tolive the same life that I was
living with this person, right?
Why am I sticking to the sameroutine, daily habits, weekly
habits, mindset, like, why can'tI let this be a clean slate?
(03:20):
And not for anything?
But everything that I wastrying to hold on to was kind of
not a pain when you know, butit was hard to stick to before
and it was definitely hard tostick to now that I was on my
own and trying to figure thingsout.
I'm like, you know, I never Iwas never really a fan of
(03:41):
cooking every day.
I mean I love to cook, but Idon't like to cook every day.
Never really a fan of cookingevery day.
I mean I love to cook, but Idon't like to cook every day.
I didn't like wasting mySaturday mornings cleaning my
apartment.
(04:01):
You know some.
I always longed for moreadventure in my so hard to like
maintain the same life.
That was literally like I wasliterally on the highway one day
, wanting to crawl out of my ownskin, stuck in traffic, headed
home from a job that I hated toyou know, a relationship where I
(04:22):
felt completely unseen andunvalued and was completely like
being manipulated into, youknow, believing he was something
that he wasn't.
I'm like, why, why, why, why amI fighting to hold on to this
Right?
And I think, you know, I thinkwhen we move through experiences
(04:42):
like that, I think it's normalbecause, you know, when we go
through an experience where weare betrayed, lied to and
manipulated, it can really makeit feel like the rug was pulled
out from under you.
I get it, especially if it'ssomebody that and here's why I'm
(05:05):
going to say, burn it all down.
You know, if you're someonelike me, you gave up everything
for this person.
You know like you turned yourback on your dreams, you turned
your back on your goals, youmade this relationship the
central focus of your life andyou did everything you could to
(05:26):
keep this relationship thriving,healthy and strong.
Right, and I think a lot of therage that we talked about
yesterday comes from the factthat you did do all this.
You did give all of this up,you did kind of make this
relationship the center, focusof your life, right Only to be
(05:48):
met, you know, to in turnreceive.
You know all these lies,betrayal and manipulation, and
yeah, of course you feel rage,right.
But now it's like you're tryingto hold on to this life because
I get it, like I said, it'sfamiliar, it's comfortable, this
is where you've been, this isall you've known.
Maybe there's still a part ofyou that feels like if you just
(06:09):
maintain the same life, someoneelse will swoop in and take this
person's place and then you canjust go on.
But remember all the stuff thatyou put on the back burner.
Remember all the goals, thedreams, the wishes that you
threw by the wayside because youmade this relationship the back
burner.
Remember all the goals, thedreams, the wishes that you
threw by the wayside because youmade this relationship the
central focus.
(06:29):
I know it's easy.
I know it's easy.
It is so easy to just want tomaintain the status quo, keep
everything as much as you can,possibly the same and familiar,
and maybe for a certain periodof time.
I think we need that, you know.
I think we need that to healand I think we need that to
(06:51):
process and I think we need thatto have some sense of stability
and normalcy, right.
But there comes a time and Ithink it was when you know a lot
of my healing like was done.
It was when you know a lot ofmy healing like was done.
There comes a time when you'relike, okay.
So now that I've moved throughall that, what do I actually
(07:13):
want for myself?
You know, because I canremember, you know, when that
relationship ended, like,looking at the rest of my life
with, like it was like a bigquestion mark in marquee lights,
like what the fuck is your lifenow?
Like who are you even Right?
And I think that you know, whenit comes to holding on to the
(07:36):
life that you had with, you know, whoever, whatever kind of
relationship it was, whether youlived together, even if you
didn't live together, you knowany kind of long-term
relationship will impact yourway of life.
So you know, looking at whatyou had together in this
relationship, you know what didyour life look like, how much of
(07:57):
that was really what you wanted.
Like really and truly like howmuch of that was really what you
wanted and how much of that wasyou trying to give this
relationship the best possiblechance it had to survive.
Right and making it the centralfocus.
Right and making it your numberone priority and responsibility
.
And then, you know, taking thataway, what might you have done
(08:20):
differently?
You know, for me this was suchan eye-opening experience
because I can remember, like,like I said, cooking, trying,
you know, planning the samemeals, only to end up saying,
fuck it, I don't want to makesteak and asparagus tonight, I
just want to have like,pepperoni, pizza and wine out of
(08:41):
the bottle.
It was also part of my healingbut because I was, you know,
obviously moving through a lotat the time but you know what I
mean Like you know, in my mind Iwas still trying to create,
like live, the same patterns,same grocery list, same weekly
schedule, same.
You know, my daily and weeklyroutine did not change at all,
(09:04):
other than I was now single.
That was the only thing thathad changed and, like I said, I
needed that.
I needed that for so long.
And then one morning I woke up.
I'm like, wait a minute, why amI doing this?
Why?
Why am I cooking these meals?
I mean, I like them, but I knowI don't like to cook every
night.
(09:26):
I know one of the things that Iwas missing more than anything
was that I wanted to go out andbe social and have fun and make
new friends and meet new people.
I knew I wanted to go, try newthings, learn new things, new
activities.
I knew I wanted more travel andmore adventure in my life, and
these were all things that I waskind of holding myself back
from and all things that I hadplanned to do before I met this
person and that I was kind ofholding myself back from, and
all things that I had planned todo before I met this person and
(09:48):
that I had kind of put on theback burner and made and happily
very happily, I might add madethis relationship a central
focus.
And then, when it all fellapart and the betrayal and the
cheating happened, you know Ikind of, you know, I took that
as my cue to say okay, well,maybe I betrayed myself a little
bit.
And what would it look like tostop betraying myself now?
(10:10):
What would it look like toactually create a life that was
authentically me and what Iwould want, right?
How would I fill my day?
How would I go about my day?
Or what habits would I have?
Or, you know, what would mysocial life look like, what
(10:32):
would my activities calendarlook like, what would my travel
itineraries look like, if I wasactually the one making the
decisions right, because I don'thave anybody else to check in
with right now.
So, you know, it's kind of,it's kind of a blank slate,
(10:52):
right.
And so and this is what I alwaystell people, like, if you've
gone through an experience likethis and you know, you've given
up and I will say this and I'vesaid this, I think, before in
the series and I will say itagain these experiences that we
have, they're never random,they're not a coincidence,
they're literally wake-up calls,because if you're like me and
(11:20):
you've, you know, put it all onthe back burner to make this
relationship the central focusand make it your priority, and
then you know only to bebetrayed and lied to and
manipulated in the end, thenit's a wake-up call.
It's a wake-up call to say,okay, so you've tried this, it
wasn't.
You turned your back onyourself.
You literally betrayed yourselffor this relationship.
(11:41):
This is where it's now left you.
What are you going to do?
Who are you going to be now?
What are you going to do withyour life?
Are you going to continue totry and create the same life, or
are you going to take thisopportunity to do something
different, to step into thewoman that you, your soul, has
been begging you to be for aslong as you can remember and
(12:03):
you've probably been ignoring it?
That's, that's my invitationfor you to think about today,
because I know that for me, likewhen I think back to this
moment, that moment where I was,like I'm standing, I remember I
was standing into like it wasso funny, like it was so small,
I could literally stand in mybedroom, my living room and my
kitchen all at the same time.
So I was standing in my bedroom, living room slash kitchen, um,
(12:28):
and I, I, I was looking at mykitchen and and, and um, what's
it called?
Like, looking at the list of,like the grocery list that I
have on the fridge, and I'm like, and looking at the same boring
palette of groceries that I'vebeen buying for like the last I
don't know how many years, andI'm like, why am I doing this?
(12:48):
Why?
Why am I still living the samelife?
I've done a lot of my healing.
I know I still have a lot moreto do, but I'm ready to let
familiar.
Go now, I'm ready to let it allgo.
And the way that we let it allburn down is we stop forcing the
(13:16):
things that feel really hard.
And I don't mean like, I meanwe can.
I know, you know we can do hardthings, I get it.
But the stuff that feels forced, the stuff that we have to grin
and bear, the stuff that we'vebeen forcing ourselves or trying
to convince ourselves that weenjoy when we know that we don't
.
I know there are some thingsthat we, as adults, we have to
(13:37):
do, and I get it, and, yes, wecan do, don't.
I know there are some thingsthat we, as adults, we have to
do, and I get it, and, yes, wecan do hard things, I get that
too.
But then there's other thingsthat you know they don't really
align with us and they don'talign with what we want.
So why are we still doing them,Right?
So look at the things that arefeeling forced, things that
maybe were ideas or habits orlifestyles that you probably
(14:01):
would not have chosen if youweren't making this person or
this relationship a centralfocus of your life, right?
What might you have donedifferently?
How might your lifestyle havebeen different?
What different choices mightyou have made.
Start to let go all the thingsthat don't align, all the things
that you're forcing to work.
(14:21):
You know, the things that youforce to work.
Like I was forcing my career towork, I was forcing my
corporate job to work.
I was probably not forcingliving downtown that was
probably like one thing that Ireally enjoyed, but I was.
I was forcing the, the, the,the lifestyle, though, because
(14:43):
it didn't really feel authenticto me.
I wanted, you know, I I don'twant to be part of that daily
hustle.
You know like I wanted to havesome adventure and some
spontaneity in my life.
Well, how do I do that?
Right?
So I started to look at all thethings in my life that were
working and all the things thatweren't, and there wasn't a lot
that was to be honest.
(15:04):
I mean, on paper it was working, but spiritually it was not.
Spiritually, it started to feellike I was, you know, swimming
through mud.
It felt heavy, it felt hard.
I was trying to juggle allthese things, hold everything
together.
It was exhausting, I wasgetting burnt out.
I'm like, why, why am I doingthis?
(15:26):
So, um, here was my version ofburning it all down and I I
don't recommend this.
I don't recommend this.
I really don't, because itwasn't easy.
But would I do it all overagain in a heartbeat?
In a fucking heartbeat?
I would do this all over again.
And this didn't happenovernight.
(15:47):
It happened very gradually, Iwould say over the course of
about a year.
Over the course of about a year, I started dancing, which is
something that I'd never donebefore.
I remember I was the person whowas afraid to go to the theater
alone, so I started dancing, Iby myself, like I would go to
(16:14):
classes by myself, and thenclasses led to socials by myself
, and then social events led toperformances, group performances
, but I would go alone, Like Iwouldn't go with a friend, like
I wouldn't sign up for thesethings with a friend.
I would sign up for them bymyself.
I got to meet new people,experience new things.
You know, I eventually left mycorporate job and started my
(16:39):
coaching practice.
I packed up my apartment.
Actually, that's not true.
I actually ended up moving fromthat apartment.
I got another apartment.
I'm trying to make that work.
That didn't work.
I rented that out, I put mystuff in storage and I
hightailed it to Southeast Asiafor half a year.
(17:01):
And on the other side of that,like I can't tell you how
different my life actuallylooked, um, because I shook
myself out of those normalroutines.
I shook myself out of thatlifestyle, that, um, or those
habits or those routines that Ihad I felt like I had to adopt
(17:24):
in order to keep therelationship thriving, and I
focused on habits and routinesthat kept me thriving and made
decisions that aligned with whatI truly wanted for me in my
life.
And that, I think, was thebiggest gift in all of it is
this chance to kind of explore.
(17:44):
You know, if I was the artist,my life was a canvas.
What would I paint?
Right?
Because I know that the life Ihad before wasn't the life I
would paint.
And maybe you know it workingout was probably a blessing,
even though it didn't feel likeit at the time.
You know, there was so muchlove there, so much love and
(18:05):
devotion.
A lot of it came fromcodependency, obviously, but
there was a ton of love anddevotion there and you know, if
I went back, would I have madethe decision not to go into the
relationship?
I don't know, because you knowthere was a time when it was
absolutely perfect, at least itfelt like it at the time anyway,
(18:28):
although there were red flagsand I ignored them like obvious
red flags, I ignored them.
So you know, going back now, Idon't know if I would make the
same decision again.
Right, not, not in this mindset.
I don't think if I were to goback today and with this mindset
that I have now go back, Iprobably would not choose to
pursue the relationship.
(18:49):
But if I had to do it over againfrom that same place, yeah, I
probably would, because thebeginning, like I said, the
beginning was amazing and thenthe lesson that came out of it
on the other end was absolutelypowerful.
So, as painful as it was, itwas, you know, it was.
I needed to go through that.
I really did need to go throughthat.
But, you know, and having gonethrough that experience and
(19:09):
seeing how misaligned my lifeactually was and seeing how
quickly the pieces fell intoplace when I actually started to
live life according to what Iwanted, you know, everything
kind of changed and it's notbeen easy, like it hasn't been
an easy journey, and this is whyI always say, you know, I don't
advise people to go down thesame path that I did, because it
(19:31):
certainly had.
It didn't come without itschallenges.
It really didn't.
It's been a very difficult like.
There's been moments where it'sbeen very difficult trying to
navigate such a big shift all atonce.
But you know, having said that,I would totally do it again In a
heartbeat.
(19:51):
I would do it again because theexperiences that I had were so
amazing and you know the shitthat I learned about myself and
how the woman I came out of thatexperience as is something I
would never trade, no matter howdifficult it got, no matter how
scary it even got sometimes,you know, and uncertain, right,
(20:15):
I was somebody.
I'm a Taurus, I love certainty,I love stability, I love
familiarity, and I took all ofthat away from me and it was the
most jarring and unnervingexperience of my life, um, but I
would do it again in aheartbeat, honestly.
I would maybe not now, um, butthen I would do it again in a
(20:35):
heartbeat.
Honestly, I would Maybe not now, but then I would do it again
in a heartbeat because of justso so much self-discovery, like,
and learn and learning aboutmyself and what I loved and
didn't love and what totally,like you know, made my heart and
my like, my whole being feelalive.
(20:56):
I don't think I knew until Ihad that experience.
So, um, cause, you mightremember, I was a people pleaser
my entire life.
So you know, other people'sresponse to what decisions or
choices or actions I made orpaths I took were always kind of
like my guiding, what's itcalled?
(21:19):
Like my North Star.
I mean, in high school I was atotal rebel and then, you know,
at some point along the lineI've kind of felt like, you know
, nobody was happy with me,nobody was pleased with me, and
I wanted to be the person thateverybody loved and was pleased
with and I very quickly wentfrom being completely rebellious
and like, totally like, um,impossible to manage.
(21:42):
God bless my poor parents, um,but I went from being completely
rebellious and totallyimpossible to manage to
literally being, um, you know,um, the, the, the person who, um
, you know, did not that myparents ever put expectation on
me.
I never want to say that theydidn't put expectation on me,
(22:03):
but there was almost this likeunspoken thing in the family of
like, oh, you know, well, it'sjust, it's assumed.
You know, you get older, youget married, you get a job, you
get, uh, get, you have children.
Sorry, get a job, get married,have children, and you know
that's what a happy life lookslike, right, and you know it was
(22:24):
never.
I never questioned it beforethen.
That was the first time I hadquestioned it and I think that
you know many of us are startingto question.
You know, when we go down thispath.
You know, down this path,there's so many ways that life
can look and there's so manydifferent paths that we can take
and I think patriarchal beliefswill have us believe that that
(22:54):
is the light us up from theinside out.
That is, you know, notavailable in that template
sometimes.
You know it can be it's not tosay that it can't.
It's great for some, you know.
I always say it's always.
You know there's alwayssomebody that it's great for,
there's always somebody thatthrives in that kind of an
environment.
But I don't think I was ever oneof those people and I think
(23:17):
somewhere along the line, byreverse osmosis, I started to
believe that I would.
And I don't think I wouldactually, as much as I sometimes
regret not having children, andit wasn't ever a plan that I
didn't have children, it justsort of happened.
Because I know a lot of peopleask that question Um, it was
(23:39):
never part of the plan.
The plan was always to havechildren, but it just never
worked out that way.
Um, you know path my life tookme down a different path and,
and you know, so be, and it'salways been something that kind
of you know, would it have beendifferent?
Am I sad about that Sometimes?
Sometimes I am, but also like Iknow that I've had experiences
in my life that I probably wouldnot have had had I gone down
(24:01):
that road.
And you know, I always think,you know, maybe I just was not
meant to, because I was meant toexperience different things.
And those things that Iexperienced and went through,
yes, although some of them werehard, some of them were
absolutely, absolutely amazingand I wouldn't trade them for
anything in the world.
So, you know, use thisopportunity, burn down the old
(24:22):
life.
You do not need to rebuild ormaintain or exhaust yourself
trying to maintain and holdtogether the life that you had.
You can let it all go.
You can let it all burn to theground, fall to pieces, become a
hot fucking mess For everyoneto like, step in on their way
into work one day.
You know, let it be that andlet all the pieces that are
(24:46):
getting exhausting, to hold on,to fall away and let all the
pieces that never felt like theyfelt Good to you, that you were
, you know, holding on to keepthis relationship, let it all go
and burn to the ground andreally start to ask yourself
what would life look like if Iwas just living for me?
Like what would I?
(25:06):
How do I want to spend my days?
What do my habits and routineslook like when I'm living my
ideal life?
What sort of lifestyle do Iwant for myself?
Have I dreamt of for myselfthat I thought was not
attainable?
Because there's nothing that'sinattainable if we put our mind
to it.
I truly believe that, and Ibelieve it's in the small steps
that we take every day and howwe embody that version that we
(25:31):
really start to become magneticto a certain way of life.
So start to explore what it isyou do want your life to look
like.
Like what goals and dreams andambitions did you leave on the
back burner when thisrelationship came into your life
?
What does this current versionof you have as dreams and goals
(25:51):
and ambition, and what do youwant to prioritize going forward
and what do you know needsprioritize going forward and
what do you know needs to change, that isn't working for you,
and if you could change it orreplace it, what would that look
like?
Just start to explore and youknow I love to make lists, I
have a list for everything Makelists of things you would love
to see come into fruition andreview it.
(26:13):
Review it daily, see what stillresonates tomorrow and the next
day, and you can take stuff,scratch stuff off when it
doesn't resonate anymore and paynotice and attention to the
ones that remain day after day.
Whether it's a career change, atravel, a lifestyle change,
getting fit, eating healthy,getting more social, getting
(26:33):
back out there, dating, taking adance class, a language class,
whatever, whatever those thingsare that you feel um will bring
positive change and energy toyour life.
Keep, keep those um somewherewhere you can see them and check
in with them daily and see theP and see the ones that stick
(26:54):
out to you day after day afterday as things you would want to
do and bring into your life.
And try it.
Try it on Baby steps, one stepat a time.
You can absolutely transformyour life and make one that is
authentically aligned to you andwhat you want and your goals
and your dreams and yourambitions and really begin to
(27:18):
honor the woman that you arebecoming, which is what we're
talking about tomorrow.
So yay, so that wraps up today.
So tomorrow, we're going to betalking about who am I without
him?
And this is all aboutreclaiming the woman that you
lost in the relationship and thewoman that you're becoming now
on the other side of it, becausethat is also very important.
So that is tomorrow, so makesure to tune in for that.
(27:40):
If you love this episode,please, please, please, leave a
positive rating and review onApple, itunes or Spotify or
wherever you're seeing this.
And until tomorrow, you guys,massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
Today is day three of theSacred Reclamation series, the
Betrayal Edition.
So today we're talking allabout burning it down.
We are burning it all downtoday and why you don't want to
make the mistake of trying torebuild the life that you had,
(00:25):
and I speak from experience.
Obviously, everything I sharewith you guys on this podcast is
stuff that I've experiencedfirsthand, and this was, I think
, probably one of the biggestmistakes when I first got out of
that relationship and startedto try to start my life over and
rebuild after, kind of like,the devastation and the
(00:46):
destruction and I think, youknow, for the longest time I
just I don't even know if Itried to rebuild the same life.
I don't know if rebuilding isthe right word.
I think I start.
I tried to maintain the samelife.
I was still cooking meals thatwe like to eat together, that
you know recipes that were kindof made for two.
(01:09):
I still planned the same boringvacations.
I still had the same Saturdaymorning routine of cleaning the
house and then going shopping.
Essentially nothing changedexcept, you know, I went from
being partnered to single.
That was the only change thathappened in my life.
(01:30):
Initially, um, and so I don'tknow when it was exactly, but I
was.
You know, I had just moved intomy new apartment.
I had the coolest little.
I called it a shoe box becauseit literally was a shoe box.
It was this like the cutestlittle bachelor pad in it a shoe
box because it literally was ashoe box.
It was this like the cutestlittle bachelor pad in like
downtown Toronto, right in theTIFF light box district and, you
(01:52):
know, like five minute walkfrom work at the time, because I
was working in my corporate joband you know, every night you
know I was coming home, you know, and if I wasn't cooking one of
those, like I was trying tocook the meals that we had
always cooked together, and whatoftentimes ended up happening
(02:13):
was I didn't have the motivationto make those meals or eat them
alone.
So I ended up ordering a pizzaand drinking half a bottle of
wine and calling it a day, andso I was like I was buying all
this food that we would normallyeat.
I was looking for vacationsthat you know we would normally
take together.
I was basically like basicallyliving the same life I was
(02:34):
living and trying to, you know,maintain the familiarity.
And then, one night after Idon't know how many, like how
many days of eating pizza anddrinking half a bottle of wine
to calm down at the end of thenight, I'm like, why am I doing
(02:55):
this?
Exactly?
Like, why, why am I trying tolive the same life that I was
living with this person, right?
Why am I sticking to the sameroutine, daily habits, weekly
habits, mindset, like, why can'tI let this be a clean slate?
(03:20):
And not for anything?
But everything that I wastrying to hold on to was kind of
not a pain when you know, butit was hard to stick to before
and it was definitely hard tostick to now that I was on my
own and trying to figure thingsout.
I'm like, you know, I never Iwas never really a fan of
(03:41):
cooking every day.
I mean I love to cook, but Idon't like to cook every day.
Never really a fan of cookingevery day.
I mean I love to cook, but Idon't like to cook every day.
I didn't like wasting mySaturday mornings cleaning my
apartment.
(04:01):
You know some.
I always longed for moreadventure in my so hard to like
maintain the same life.
That was literally like I wasliterally on the highway one day
, wanting to crawl out of my ownskin, stuck in traffic, headed
home from a job that I hated toyou know, a relationship where I
(04:22):
felt completely unseen andunvalued and was completely like
being manipulated into, youknow, believing he was something
that he wasn't.
I'm like, why, why, why, why amI fighting to hold on to this
Right?
And I think, you know, I thinkwhen we move through experiences
(04:42):
like that, I think it's normalbecause, you know, when we go
through an experience where weare betrayed, lied to and
manipulated, it can really makeit feel like the rug was pulled
out from under you.
I get it, especially if it'ssomebody that and here's why I'm
(05:05):
going to say, burn it all down.
You know, if you're someonelike me, you gave up everything
for this person.
You know like you turned yourback on your dreams, you turned
your back on your goals, youmade this relationship the
central focus of your life andyou did everything you could to
(05:26):
keep this relationship thriving,healthy and strong.
Right, and I think a lot of therage that we talked about
yesterday comes from the factthat you did do all this.
You did give all of this up,you did kind of make this
relationship the center, focusof your life, right Only to be
(05:48):
met, you know, to in turnreceive.
You know all these lies,betrayal and manipulation, and
yeah, of course you feel rage,right.
But now it's like you're tryingto hold on to this life because
I get it, like I said, it'sfamiliar, it's comfortable, this
is where you've been, this isall you've known.
Maybe there's still a part ofyou that feels like if you just
(06:09):
maintain the same life, someoneelse will swoop in and take this
person's place and then you canjust go on.
But remember all the stuff thatyou put on the back burner.
Remember all the goals, thedreams, the wishes that you
threw by the wayside because youmade this relationship the back
burner.
Remember all the goals, thedreams, the wishes that you
threw by the wayside because youmade this relationship the
central focus.
(06:29):
I know it's easy.
I know it's easy.
It is so easy to just want tomaintain the status quo, keep
everything as much as you can,possibly the same and familiar,
and maybe for a certain periodof time.
I think we need that, you know.
I think we need that to healand I think we need that to
(06:51):
process and I think we need thatto have some sense of stability
and normalcy, right.
But there comes a time and Ithink it was when you know a lot
of my healing like was done.
It was when you know a lot ofmy healing like was done.
There comes a time when you'relike, okay.
So now that I've moved throughall that, what do I actually
(07:13):
want for myself?
You know, because I canremember, you know, when that
relationship ended, like,looking at the rest of my life
with, like it was like a bigquestion mark in marquee lights,
like what the fuck is your lifenow?
Like who are you even Right?
And I think that you know, whenit comes to holding on to the
(07:36):
life that you had with, you know, whoever, whatever kind of
relationship it was, whether youlived together, even if you
didn't live together, you knowany kind of long-term
relationship will impact yourway of life.
So you know, looking at whatyou had together in this
relationship, you know what didyour life look like, how much of
(07:57):
that was really what you wanted.
Like really and truly like howmuch of that was really what you
wanted and how much of that wasyou trying to give this
relationship the best possiblechance it had to survive.
Right and making it the centralfocus.
Right and making it your numberone priority and responsibility
.
And then, you know, taking thataway, what might you have done
(08:20):
differently?
You know, for me this was suchan eye-opening experience
because I can remember, like,like I said, cooking, trying,
you know, planning the samemeals, only to end up saying,
fuck it, I don't want to makesteak and asparagus tonight, I
just want to have like,pepperoni, pizza and wine out of
(08:41):
the bottle.
It was also part of my healingbut because I was, you know,
obviously moving through a lotat the time but you know what I
mean Like you know, in my mind Iwas still trying to create,
like live, the same patterns,same grocery list, same weekly
schedule, same.
You know, my daily and weeklyroutine did not change at all,
(09:04):
other than I was now single.
That was the only thing thathad changed and, like I said, I
needed that.
I needed that for so long.
And then one morning I woke up.
I'm like, wait a minute, why amI doing this?
Why?
Why am I cooking these meals?
I mean, I like them, but I knowI don't like to cook every
night.
(09:26):
I know one of the things that Iwas missing more than anything
was that I wanted to go out andbe social and have fun and make
new friends and meet new people.
I knew I wanted to go, try newthings, learn new things, new
activities.
I knew I wanted more travel andmore adventure in my life, and
these were all things that I waskind of holding myself back
from and all things that I hadplanned to do before I met this
person and that I was kind ofholding myself back from, and
all things that I had planned todo before I met this person and
(09:48):
that I had kind of put on theback burner and made and happily
very happily, I might add madethis relationship a central
focus.
And then, when it all fellapart and the betrayal and the
cheating happened, you know Ikind of, you know, I took that
as my cue to say okay, well,maybe I betrayed myself a little
bit.
And what would it look like tostop betraying myself now?
(10:10):
What would it look like toactually create a life that was
authentically me and what Iwould want, right?
How would I fill my day?
How would I go about my day?
Or what habits would I have?
Or, you know, what would mysocial life look like, what
(10:32):
would my activities calendarlook like, what would my travel
itineraries look like, if I wasactually the one making the
decisions right, because I don'thave anybody else to check in
with right now.
So, you know, it's kind of,it's kind of a blank slate,
(10:52):
right.
And so and this is what I alwaystell people, like, if you've
gone through an experience likethis and you know, you've given
up and I will say this and I'vesaid this, I think, before in
the series and I will say itagain these experiences that we
have, they're never random,they're not a coincidence,
they're literally wake-up calls,because if you're like me and
(11:20):
you've, you know, put it all onthe back burner to make this
relationship the central focusand make it your priority, and
then you know only to bebetrayed and lied to and
manipulated in the end, thenit's a wake-up call.
It's a wake-up call to say,okay, so you've tried this, it
wasn't.
You turned your back onyourself.
You literally betrayed yourselffor this relationship.
(11:41):
This is where it's now left you.
What are you going to do?
Who are you going to be now?
What are you going to do withyour life?
Are you going to continue totry and create the same life, or
are you going to take thisopportunity to do something
different, to step into thewoman that you, your soul, has
been begging you to be for aslong as you can remember and
(12:03):
you've probably been ignoring it?
That's, that's my invitationfor you to think about today,
because I know that for me, likewhen I think back to this
moment, that moment where I was,like I'm standing, I remember I
was standing into like it wasso funny, like it was so small,
I could literally stand in mybedroom, my living room and my
kitchen all at the same time.
So I was standing in my bedroom, living room slash kitchen, um,
(12:28):
and I, I, I was looking at mykitchen and and, and um, what's
it called?
Like, looking at the list of,like the grocery list that I
have on the fridge, and I'm like, and looking at the same boring
palette of groceries that I'vebeen buying for like the last I
don't know how many years, andI'm like, why am I doing this?
(12:48):
Why?
Why am I still living the samelife?
I've done a lot of my healing.
I know I still have a lot moreto do, but I'm ready to let
familiar.
Go now, I'm ready to let it allgo.
And the way that we let it allburn down is we stop forcing the
(13:16):
things that feel really hard.
And I don't mean like, I meanwe can.
I know, you know we can do hardthings, I get it.
But the stuff that feels forced, the stuff that we have to grin
and bear, the stuff that we'vebeen forcing ourselves or trying
to convince ourselves that weenjoy when we know that we don't
.
I know there are some thingsthat we, as adults, we have to
(13:37):
do, and I get it, and, yes, wecan do, don't.
I know there are some thingsthat we, as adults, we have to
do, and I get it, and, yes, wecan do hard things, I get that
too.
But then there's other thingsthat you know they don't really
align with us and they don'talign with what we want.
So why are we still doing them,Right?
So look at the things that arefeeling forced, things that
maybe were ideas or habits orlifestyles that you probably
(14:01):
would not have chosen if youweren't making this person or
this relationship a centralfocus of your life, right?
What might you have donedifferently?
How might your lifestyle havebeen different?
What different choices mightyou have made.
Start to let go all the thingsthat don't align, all the things
that you're forcing to work.
(14:21):
You know, the things that youforce to work.
Like I was forcing my career towork, I was forcing my
corporate job to work.
I was probably not forcingliving downtown that was
probably like one thing that Ireally enjoyed, but I was.
I was forcing the, the, the,the lifestyle, though, because
(14:43):
it didn't really feel authenticto me.
I wanted, you know, I I don'twant to be part of that daily
hustle.
You know like I wanted to havesome adventure and some
spontaneity in my life.
Well, how do I do that?
Right?
So I started to look at all thethings in my life that were
working and all the things thatweren't, and there wasn't a lot
that was to be honest.
(15:04):
I mean, on paper it was working, but spiritually it was not.
Spiritually, it started to feellike I was, you know, swimming
through mud.
It felt heavy, it felt hard.
I was trying to juggle allthese things, hold everything
together.
It was exhausting, I wasgetting burnt out.
I'm like, why, why am I doingthis?
(15:26):
So, um, here was my version ofburning it all down and I I
don't recommend this.
I don't recommend this.
I really don't, because itwasn't easy.
But would I do it all overagain in a heartbeat?
In a fucking heartbeat?
I would do this all over again.
And this didn't happenovernight.
(15:47):
It happened very gradually, Iwould say over the course of
about a year.
Over the course of about a year, I started dancing, which is
something that I'd never donebefore.
I remember I was the person whowas afraid to go to the theater
alone, so I started dancing, Iby myself, like I would go to
(16:14):
classes by myself, and thenclasses led to socials by myself
, and then social events led toperformances, group performances
, but I would go alone, Like Iwouldn't go with a friend, like
I wouldn't sign up for thesethings with a friend.
I would sign up for them bymyself.
I got to meet new people,experience new things.
You know, I eventually left mycorporate job and started my
(16:39):
coaching practice.
I packed up my apartment.
Actually, that's not true.
I actually ended up moving fromthat apartment.
I got another apartment.
I'm trying to make that work.
That didn't work.
I rented that out, I put mystuff in storage and I
hightailed it to Southeast Asiafor half a year.
(17:01):
And on the other side of that,like I can't tell you how
different my life actuallylooked, um, because I shook
myself out of those normalroutines.
I shook myself out of thatlifestyle, that, um, or those
habits or those routines that Ihad I felt like I had to adopt
(17:24):
in order to keep therelationship thriving, and I
focused on habits and routinesthat kept me thriving and made
decisions that aligned with whatI truly wanted for me in my
life.
And that, I think, was thebiggest gift in all of it is
this chance to kind of explore.
(17:44):
You know, if I was the artist,my life was a canvas.
What would I paint?
Right?
Because I know that the life Ihad before wasn't the life I
would paint.
And maybe you know it workingout was probably a blessing,
even though it didn't feel likeit at the time.
You know, there was so muchlove there, so much love and
(18:05):
devotion.
A lot of it came fromcodependency, obviously, but
there was a ton of love anddevotion there and you know, if
I went back, would I have madethe decision not to go into the
relationship?
I don't know, because you knowthere was a time when it was
absolutely perfect, at least itfelt like it at the time anyway,
(18:28):
although there were red flagsand I ignored them like obvious
red flags, I ignored them.
So you know, going back now, Idon't know if I would make the
same decision again.
Right, not, not in this mindset.
I don't think if I were to goback today and with this mindset
that I have now go back, Iprobably would not choose to
pursue the relationship.
(18:49):
But if I had to do it over againfrom that same place, yeah, I
probably would, because thebeginning, like I said, the
beginning was amazing and thenthe lesson that came out of it
on the other end was absolutelypowerful.
So, as painful as it was, itwas, you know, it was.
I needed to go through that.
I really did need to go throughthat.
But, you know, and having gonethrough that experience and
(19:09):
seeing how misaligned my lifeactually was and seeing how
quickly the pieces fell intoplace when I actually started to
live life according to what Iwanted, you know, everything
kind of changed and it's notbeen easy, like it hasn't been
an easy journey, and this is whyI always say, you know, I don't
advise people to go down thesame path that I did, because it
(19:31):
certainly had.
It didn't come without itschallenges.
It really didn't.
It's been a very difficult like.
There's been moments where it'sbeen very difficult trying to
navigate such a big shift all atonce.
But you know, having said that,I would totally do it again In a
heartbeat.
(19:51):
I would do it again because theexperiences that I had were so
amazing and you know the shitthat I learned about myself and
how the woman I came out of thatexperience as is something I
would never trade, no matter howdifficult it got, no matter how
scary it even got sometimes,you know, and uncertain, right,
(20:15):
I was somebody.
I'm a Taurus, I love certainty,I love stability, I love
familiarity, and I took all ofthat away from me and it was the
most jarring and unnervingexperience of my life, um, but I
would do it again in aheartbeat, honestly.
I would maybe not now, um, butthen I would do it again in a
(20:35):
heartbeat.
Honestly, I would Maybe not now, but then I would do it again
in a heartbeat because of justso so much self-discovery, like,
and learn and learning aboutmyself and what I loved and
didn't love and what totally,like you know, made my heart and
my like, my whole being feelalive.
(20:56):
I don't think I knew until Ihad that experience.
So, um, cause, you mightremember, I was a people pleaser
my entire life.
So you know, other people'sresponse to what decisions or
choices or actions I made orpaths I took were always kind of
like my guiding, what's itcalled?
(21:19):
Like my North Star.
I mean, in high school I was atotal rebel and then, you know,
at some point along the lineI've kind of felt like, you know
, nobody was happy with me,nobody was pleased with me, and
I wanted to be the person thateverybody loved and was pleased
with and I very quickly wentfrom being completely rebellious
and like, totally like, um,impossible to manage.
(21:42):
God bless my poor parents, um,but I went from being completely
rebellious and totallyimpossible to manage to
literally being, um, you know,um, the, the, the person who, um
, you know, did not that myparents ever put expectation on
me.
I never want to say that theydidn't put expectation on me,
(22:03):
but there was almost this likeunspoken thing in the family of
like, oh, you know, well, it'sjust, it's assumed.
You know, you get older, youget married, you get a job, you
get, uh, get, you have children.
Sorry, get a job, get married,have children, and you know
that's what a happy life lookslike, right, and you know it was
(22:24):
never.
I never questioned it beforethen.
That was the first time I hadquestioned it and I think that
you know many of us are startingto question.
You know, when we go down thispath.
You know, down this path,there's so many ways that life
can look and there's so manydifferent paths that we can take
and I think patriarchal beliefswill have us believe that that
(22:54):
is the light us up from theinside out.
That is, you know, notavailable in that template
sometimes.
You know it can be it's not tosay that it can't.
It's great for some, you know.
I always say it's always.
You know there's alwayssomebody that it's great for,
there's always somebody thatthrives in that kind of an
environment.
But I don't think I was ever oneof those people and I think
(23:17):
somewhere along the line, byreverse osmosis, I started to
believe that I would.
And I don't think I wouldactually, as much as I sometimes
regret not having children, andit wasn't ever a plan that I
didn't have children, it justsort of happened.
Because I know a lot of peopleask that question Um, it was
(23:39):
never part of the plan.
The plan was always to havechildren, but it just never
worked out that way.
Um, you know path my life tookme down a different path and,
and you know, so be, and it'salways been something that kind
of you know, would it have beendifferent?
Am I sad about that Sometimes?
Sometimes I am, but also like Iknow that I've had experiences
in my life that I probably wouldnot have had had I gone down
(24:01):
that road.
And you know, I always think,you know, maybe I just was not
meant to, because I was meant toexperience different things.
And those things that Iexperienced and went through,
yes, although some of them werehard, some of them were
absolutely, absolutely amazingand I wouldn't trade them for
anything in the world.
So, you know, use thisopportunity, burn down the old
(24:22):
life.
You do not need to rebuild ormaintain or exhaust yourself
trying to maintain and holdtogether the life that you had.
You can let it all go.
You can let it all burn to theground, fall to pieces, become a
hot fucking mess For everyoneto like, step in on their way
into work one day.
You know, let it be that andlet all the pieces that are
(24:46):
getting exhausting, to hold on,to fall away and let all the
pieces that never felt like theyfelt Good to you, that you were
, you know, holding on to keepthis relationship, let it all go
and burn to the ground andreally start to ask yourself
what would life look like if Iwas just living for me?
Like what would I?
(25:06):
How do I want to spend my days?
What do my habits and routineslook like when I'm living my
ideal life?
What sort of lifestyle do Iwant for myself?
Have I dreamt of for myselfthat I thought was not
attainable?
Because there's nothing that'sinattainable if we put our mind
to it.
I truly believe that, and Ibelieve it's in the small steps
that we take every day and howwe embody that version that we
(25:31):
really start to become magneticto a certain way of life.
So start to explore what it isyou do want your life to look
like.
Like what goals and dreams andambitions did you leave on the
back burner when thisrelationship came into your life
?
What does this current versionof you have as dreams and goals
(25:51):
and ambition, and what do youwant to prioritize going forward
and what do you know needsprioritize going forward and
what do you know needs to change, that isn't working for you,
and if you could change it orreplace it, what would that look
like?
Just start to explore and youknow I love to make lists, I
have a list for everything Makelists of things you would love
to see come into fruition andreview it.
(26:13):
Review it daily, see what stillresonates tomorrow and the next
day, and you can take stuff,scratch stuff off when it
doesn't resonate anymore and paynotice and attention to the
ones that remain day after day.
Whether it's a career change, atravel, a lifestyle change,
getting fit, eating healthy,getting more social, getting
(26:33):
back out there, dating, taking adance class, a language class,
whatever, whatever those thingsare that you feel um will bring
positive change and energy toyour life.
Keep, keep those um somewherewhere you can see them and check
in with them daily and see theP and see the ones that stick
(26:54):
out to you day after day afterday as things you would want to
do and bring into your life.
And try it.
Try it on Baby steps, one stepat a time.
You can absolutely transformyour life and make one that is
authentically aligned to you andwhat you want and your goals
and your dreams and yourambitions and really begin to
(27:18):
honor the woman that you arebecoming, which is what we're
talking about tomorrow.
So yay, so that wraps up today.
So tomorrow, we're going to betalking about who am I without
him?
And this is all aboutreclaiming the woman that you
lost in the relationship and thewoman that you're becoming now
on the other side of it, becausethat is also very important.
So that is tomorrow, so makesure to tune in for that.
(27:40):
If you love this episode,please, please, please, leave a
positive rating and review onApple, itunes or Spotify or
wherever you're seeing this.
And until tomorrow, you guys,massive love.
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