February 25, 2025 • 34 mins
There’s a kind of betrayal that doesn’t just break you—it slowly erodes you, piece by piece, until one day, you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. And you most definitely can’t trust yourself.
That was me.
I lost myself trying to hold on to something that was never real. I stayed in cycles of deception, gaslighting, and self-abandonment, convincing myself that if I could just be more—more patient, more understanding, more lovable, and live in complete denial—then maybe, just maybe, I’d finally be chosen and it would be like the betrayal never even happened.
But betrayal has a way of forcing you to wake up.
In this episode of The Femme Cast, I’m pulling back the curtain on the heartbreak that shattered me, the unraveling that followed, and the painful, beautiful journey of rebuilding myself from the ground up.
- The moment I realized I had been living in an illusion
- The slow destruction of my self-worth—how I let betrayal define me
- The breaking point—when I finally had to face myself and my deepest wounds
- The rebirth—choosing myself, rewriting my story, and reclaiming the love I was always worthy of
This is the episode I wish I had when I was drowning in the pain, believing I wasn’t enough. If you’ve ever felt like you lost yourself in someone else’s lies, like your heart has been shattered beyond repair, I want you to hear this: You will rise from this.
🎧 Hit play. Let’s go there.
Ready to stop abandoning yourself for love? To finally rise from the wreckage of betrayal and become the woman you were born to be?
The Sacred Reclamation Series: Betrayal Edition starts July 21st right here on The Femme Cast.
5 soul-stirring podcast episodes + a FREE live healing + activation on July 29th @ 8PM EST
This is your sign.
This is your turning point.
Claim your seat now at the FREE live healing + activation now.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up?
And welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
We are doing things again, as Isaid last week, a little bit
differently on the show.
What has been on my heart toshare with you guys is kind of
my journey through thisevolution and breaking some of
(00:20):
my toxic relationship patternsand there's kind of four
distinct phases that I wentthrough which I've kind of
talked about before.
But I kind of want to go alittle bit deeper into some of
these phases and some of themicro moments that took place
within them.
So you start to understand howthe story unfolded and how the
evolution unfolded.
And you know, part of what'sbeen on my heart to share was my
(00:44):
experience through emotionaland physical infidelity and the
impacts that that had on me andhow that really kind of started
my whole transformation.
Now there's four kind ofdistinct phases that I can, you
know, quantify that I kind ofwent through on this journey and
(01:06):
you know I've talked about thembefore, so it's nothing new.
But I am going to go a littlebit deeper into some of the
micro moments that shaped theseexperiences more real and
vulnerable, about the wholejourney and how it all unfolded.
(01:27):
Right, it was an evolution overtime and I want you guys to
keep that in mind as we talkabout these things on the
podcast.
Everything that I share with youwas an evolution over time.
I mean, this all startedprobably back in 2005, you know,
and we're now in 2020.
It's been a 20 year evolution.
You guys, like it's not stuffthat you know, I kind of you
know, I went to a retreat oneweekend and I did some
(01:48):
journaling and I got all theseinsights and now I've called
myself an expert, like I'veliterally been through the
rabbit hole and through theringer for the last 20 years, um
, trying to unscramble all this.
So please take everything I'mwell, take everything I say I
share with you with a grain ofsalt and take what resonates and
leave the rest.
But please know that it doesn'tcome from a place where I'm
(02:09):
taking it lightly, where Ihaven't done the work or, you
know and this is not to proveanything, this is just something
in my soul has been nudging meto share about these things,
more especially the beginning,which is when I experienced, you
know, the lying, the cheating,the gaslighting and really what
kind of sparked this wholejourney, I think for me, you
(02:34):
know, every phase had itspurpose and we'll go through the
different phases and I willshare.
But, oddly enough, I knew Iwanted to start with the lying,
the cheating and the gaslightingfirst, and this is not the
first time I've shared aboutthis on the podcast.
But, like I said, we're goingto go deeper into some of the
micro moments in that experience.
Right, but an interesting thinghappened the last time I shared
(02:56):
about the experience of cheatingand infidelity and, you know,
lying, cheating and thegaslighting, I had made the
decision to start sharing aboutit and I remember I had
intentionally I usually recordon Sunday, so I went to bed
Saturday night with theintention that I was going to
record it the next day, and thenthat night I was flooded with
(03:18):
dreams and visions, and evenwhen I would wake up from these
dreams and visions, I wouldrecall moments in that
experience.
It was almost as if I was goingthrough the index card of
memories that I wanted to share,and so that never happens for
(03:38):
me.
I get inspired ideas.
Everything I share on thepodcast is an inspired idea, but
when it comes to sharing thepieces of that story, it's
literally like my soul goesthrough the index cards of
memories, of things that I needto start talking about, I need
to start sharing about.
And so last night I went to bedwith the same intention that I
(04:01):
was going to start sharing thatstory today and let me tell you,
I've barely slept because, Iswear, my subconscious, my soul,
has been like, has kept me upall night going through a whole
series of events and things thatI want to start talking about,
and I was like, okay, well, Ican't talk about all this in one
day.
I only have a couple of hoursto record tomorrow.
(04:24):
So I've written down what I canand, you know, let's just start
and we'll see where we end up.
I don't have notes.
I don't have notes.
I don't have a plan, I don't.
I maybe have like some generalkind of titles or milestones
through the journey that I kindof want to cover.
But we're going to try and wingthis and you know, I really
(04:46):
just kind of want to try andspeak from the heart as much as
I can.
So if I were to break it outinto four different phases right
of the last 20 years of my life, going through this process,
this undoing and rebuilding ofmy relationship patterns and
breaking these toxicrelationship patterns so that I
can become a magnet for healthy,loving relationships.
(05:08):
Four distinct phases.
The first one, you know kind of, was my heartbreak era.
That's when I went through thelying, the cheating, the
gaslighting and that was reallyshowing me that was.
That was very intentional, youknow, because with that period
was trying to show me that Ididn't see before and even going
(05:31):
through it I didn't see it.
I probably didn't see it untillike now was how much of my
power I was giving away to otherpeople, how much I was self
abandoning to please people andto keep love in my life, and how
much of my own self-worth I wasexternally sourcing to people
(05:53):
around me, how much of it I waskind of contracting out for
people to validate my worth andmy value.
And it was a very, very painfulexperience and a painful lesson,
but something I really neededto go through in this lifetime,
to go through this evolution.
It really just it was the spark, it was the catalyst, it was
(06:16):
the beginning of the end.
So dramatic, but you know Iwouldn't be who I am today if
had I not gone through that, youknow.
So you know to say you know, oh, you know, you know, when
you've healed from an experience, when you're truly grateful I
(06:36):
don't know if I'm so, I stilldon't know if I'm fully grateful
yet Like, I mean, there was alot of pain and hurt that I
would cringe to have to gothrough again.
But you know, knowing where itbrought me and the experiences
that it led to, then, yeah, Iprobably would do it again,
honestly, okay.
(06:58):
So after that was, you know,that was the heartbreak era.
After that was my hot mess era,and that was literally where I
was trying to escape all my pain, all my hurt, all my wounding,
just find the next source ofvalidation.
And you know someone who wouldsave me or rescue me from the
(07:20):
pain of my own experience, againexternally sourcing my
validation and really goingthrough like partner after
partner after partner, andrealizing they were getting more
and more toxic each and everytime.
And then was really myself-love era, when I finally
(07:42):
just got so exhausted from thewhole process that I just cut
myself off and that, I think,was really my dark night of the
soul, because, you know, it putme in a place where I needed to
learn to love myself again fromthe beginning.
Right, I needed to undo all thedamage of the past, I needed to
heal through all that emotionalcrap that I'd been through and
(08:04):
I really just needed to learn tolove myself when, I might add,
I really had no reason to lovemyself.
By societal standards I mean notby, you know.
I mean, obviously we're allworthy beings, we're all worthy
of love.
We all deserve our own love aswell as the love of others
around us.
However, by societal standards,I didn't deserve that love.
(08:26):
You know what I mean.
Like I wasn't successful at thetime.
I was really strugglingfinancially, I was struggling to
find myself, I was strugglingwith depression, I was
overweight, I didn't have apartner, I wasn't married, I
didn't have children.
There were so many things that,by societal standards, would
have pegged me as just this,like disaster, like utter
(08:48):
failure.
And in that moment of feelinglike a total failure and feeling
like a total write-off, I hadto learn to love myself and you
know it wasn't easy, you know,but I think that was kind of.
You know again, the evolutionthat I needed to go through to
break that codependency forneeding my environment to
(09:13):
validate me right Externally.
You know, giving my power awayto other people, self-abandoning
and choosing to prioritizeother people's needs over my own
.
That was the phase I needed tobe in in order to undo all those
patterns.
And then you know which kind ofbrings us to today in this you
know kind of magnetic love erathat I'm in, where I'm kind of
(09:36):
manifesting these amazing lovestories you know still haven't
met the one, but definitely in avery different place where you
know I'm not giving my poweraway, I'm not self-abandoning
anymore.
I am choosing myself first andI am really clear on what it is
(09:56):
that I want, or I'm gettingclearer on what it is that I
want.
And you know, all these lovestories have also been an
evolution over time to kind ofshow me what it is I do want in
a relationship, right, because Ithink up until now I really had
no clue, because I had no ideawhat healthy love really was.
So all of that is starting tokind of be revealed to me now
and I'm starting to piecetogether you know what I would
(10:17):
look for in a partner and alsoknowing that you know I don't
need to, you know, externallysource my validation, knowing
that I can choose myself and putmyself and my needs and my
priorities first, and knowingthat you know my person if
they're truly my person, willlove, honor and respect that,
(10:39):
and just being in a place ofknowing that I don't have to
settle anymore and I don't, aplace of knowing that I don't
have to settle anymore and Idon't, I'm perfectly okay with
living my best life until thisperson shows up, right, and I
think that's a very differentplace from where I was in the
beginning.
So that's kind of the evolution, right, like that's kind of the
overview of you know what thelast 20 years has looked like
(11:01):
and each phase kind of took likeI probably spent five to seven
years in each of these phasesLike I'm not even kidding With
the exception of the last onewhich has only been kind of like
a few years now.
Oh yeah, five, I would probablysay about five years, right and
so or no less.
Anyway, I'm I digress, let'sjust say five to seven years at
(11:21):
each phase, loosely, and there'sno like I mean, please don't
think of it as like you know anexact timeline where you know
there was this time and then itgot cut off and then we went
into the next timeline.
All of these kind of merged andyou know, I kind of trickled a
tiptoed back between time,between eras, like before I
(11:43):
finally, like moved on over tothe next one.
You know what I mean.
Like they're not, it's not soclear cut.
I'm trying to put a clear cuttimeline on it but it wasn't
very clear cut, you know.
Like I mean there was timeswhere I dabbled in my self-love
era while I was still in myheartbreak era, and there was
times where I, you know, kind ofdabbled in my magnetic love
story era while I was still inmy hot mess era.
(12:04):
So you know, like, again, veryloose, it kind of happened very
organically.
But for context and forunderstanding, I'm trying to
break it down into kind of thesefour neat little
compartmentalized phases.
So, going back to the beginning,right, and the betrayal this
(12:29):
was really the betrayal thatbroke me slowly over time,
because I, you know, when wetalk about infidelity and you
know, you know, when we talkabout experiences of having been
cheated on, it happens a lotLike I can't say, like I can't
speak for other women, I canonly speak for myself.
(12:51):
You know, experience um waswithout a doubt, the most
painful experience of my lifeBecause when I think back to who
I was when it all happened.
You know, this person was myhappily ever after.
(13:11):
This person was someone who Itrusted more than I trusted
myself.
This person was somebody that Ifelt like I could put my life
in his hands and I would betotally taken care of.
And so for me and I think I'vesaid this before when the
(13:33):
betrayal happened, I wasblindsided.
And I don't think it was funny,because there was a distinct
moment where this betrayal kindof became evident to me.
But it was in that moment thatI realized, oh my God, this has
(14:05):
been happening for months, maybeeven I almost want to say, well
, no, it was happening, I think,for several months.
And you know I can still recallthe moment.
You know we're in bed.
We got a phone call.
I could clearly hear her voiceon the other end of the phone.
It clearly was not a friend.
(14:26):
It clearly was not.
It wasn't how you talk to yourco worker and it wasn't how you
talk to your friends, especiallyif they're a man and they're
married.
You know what I mean and Icould hear her clearly.
And I can just remember havingeverything inside me just kind
of sink for a second and I justwanted to vomit in my pillow
(14:52):
Because up until that point, youknow, we had our challenge.
I knew we were having challengesand I knew that there were
things.
I knew there was a distancebetween us that I couldn't quite
put my finger on and I knewthat we were moving through
something, but I honestlythought that we were going to be
okay and I was doing everythingin my power to kind of, you
know, bring us closer, bring usback together and, you know,
(15:14):
create the love affair that wehad experienced when we first
come together, and so, but itnever even dawned on me that
this was happening.
I thought we were movingthrough a difficult time.
I thought he was stressed atwork you know, he was,
ironically, working so manyhours, you know, and just so
tired all the time, and crankyand disconnected and felt like,
(15:37):
you know, he didn't want to be.
You know, he kind of felt likehe was always off somewhere else
and even when he was there, hewasn't, and so I just chalked it
up to he was going through adifficult time.
He was stressed, he was tired,he was depressed, you know, and
this was a very difficultexperience for me because we had
(15:57):
just moved in together, right,and you know, we moved in
together with the excitement ofstarting a life together and
then, all of a sudden, we movein together and it's like whoa,
like where's the relationship?
What happened?
Like, you know, like, how didwe get from you know, this crazy
, passionate, connectedrelationship to now, this right,
literally the moment we movedin together and so it never
(16:24):
occurred to me what washappening.
And it's so funny because I wassad, I was disappointed.
It had been going on forseveral months and I felt so
unseen and so unloved and Icouldn't understand why this
person who I loved with all myheart was just suddenly
emotionally checked out of therelationship, right, right, when
(16:47):
we were supposed to bebeginning our happily ever after
, right.
I couldn't understand why hehad checked out and I was so
hurt and let down, but I knew hewas going through a hard time.
So I put that aside to kind of,um, you know, focus on him and
focus on what he needed and andand and trying to kind of work
(17:09):
through his priorities to bringus closer together, right, and
bring that connection back.
So, instead of dealing withwhat I was going through, I was
more focused on what he wasgoing through, thinking that
would be the thing, that wouldbe the glue to kind of bring us
back together.
And it wasn't until that morningwhen she called and I heard her
(17:29):
on the other end and I was likewhat the fuck, like what the
actual fuck.
And then in that moment I hadthis.
It was, you know how they say,like right before you die you
have this flashback of your life.
On that moment it was almostlike the death of our
(17:50):
relationship, or at least thedeath of how I experienced our
relationship, because in thatmoment I had a flashback of all
of the patterns and thebehaviors that I had been
completely oblivious to,completely oblivious to that he
was cheating.
And as I started to recall allthese memories and these moments
(18:15):
, I can remember being in ashock state where I couldn't say
anything.
I was literally in paralysis.
I remember being in a shockstate where I couldn't say
anything.
I was literally in paralysis.
I got up that day, I confrontedhim and you know he pretended
that it was nothing.
You know he tried to cover upthe voice, he tried to kind of
(18:39):
bypass the whole experience andI confronted him on it and he
totally fumbled his way throughlike a flimsy excuse, trying to
cover it all up and I knew hewas lying.
I knew him well enough to knowhe was lying and I knew that and
I just took it in and I'm likeI was like a deer in headlights,
you guys, I didn't know what todo in.
(19:02):
And I'm like I was like a deerin headlights, you guys, I
didn't know what to do.
So I went about my day.
We were expecting company thatnight.
I went through the motions ofthe day and I was shocked.
I was a deer in headlights theentire day.
I don't even know if I wasblinking.
I think I might've actuallystopped breathing.
I was just in this utter stateof shock where I was just going
through the motions of the dayand doing what I needed to do to
(19:24):
get through it.
You know, I did the cleaning ofthe house, I prepped the food,
I did all the things that you dowhen you know you're expecting
people over for dinner.
And all the while, something inme was just screaming and I
couldn't quite comprehend it.
(19:45):
He had gone out to buy somethings that we needed for the
dinner and I remember, you knowthe store was like 15 minutes
away.
You know he came back fivehours later I couldn't get a
hold of him.
His cell phone was off.
Um, you know, clearly inretrospect he had gone to see
(20:08):
her.
Um and I was sitting on thefront step at the front of our
house, um, and I was just Um andI was just, you know, I wasn't
crying, but I was in a in astate of like I again like shock
, where I was just kind ofsitting there and I had all this
(20:30):
emotion welling up in me but Ididn't know what it was and I
didn't know how to explain it.
And you know, I wanted to crybut I think I was just too
shocked to cry.
You know, I wanted to cry but Ithink I was just too shocked to
cry.
And you know, thinking back, Idon't know when the moment was
(21:01):
that I finally allowed thatreality to sink in, because it
took time, I would say probably.
It took me several weeks to letthe reality of what was
happening really sink in.
And then the fighting started.
And then there was this denialon his part I didn't have a
smoking gun.
So there was a part of me thatbelieved well, unless you have
(21:22):
hard, concrete proof, you can'treally end a relationship on.
You know.
You know something that couldbe so circumstantial, because
then you know, you're justanother crazy jealous person.
You know, I had it so much inmy head like don't be that girl,
don't be that insecure.
You know woman who constantlyaccuses her partner of doing
(21:46):
things, of cheating on her, ofbeing with other women, of
giving other women attentionbased on, you know,
circumstantial.
I needed the smoking gun, youknow, because I had so so much
idea around.
You know, I just wanted to bethe cool girlfriend.
I just wanted to be the coolpartner, the cool, you know, who
(22:07):
didn't obsess over these things.
And I never was like I was nevera jealous person Like I.
You know I would never getjealous when he was around.
You know other women and youknow we had friends who you know
.
You know he, you know we, youknow all everyone kind of got
together and you know otherwomen and you know we had
friends who you know, you knowhe, you know we, you know all
everyone kind of got togetherand you know some people were
partnered and some peopleweren't.
(22:28):
And you know I never had issueswith thinking that he was
cheating.
I never has.
I never had the idea that Ineeded to feel threatened about
other women because I felt I wascenter of his universe.
You know, falsely.
So there was never like ashadow of doubt.
And this is where I think Itripped myself up or I did trip
(22:49):
myself up in that time is that Iwas, and you know, telling
myself that.
You know, I didn't want to bethis person.
And then he started making mefeel like you're just being a
jealous, you're just beingjealous, you're insecure, you're
jealous, you're this, you'rethat, Kind of putting it all
back on me.
And it's like I allowed that toreally kind of sink in and I
(23:10):
really kind of took it on.
I mean, in the beginning I was,you know, really fighting for
validation.
I was fighting for a confession.
I was, you know, trying to makesense of everything that
happened and get him to reallyjust be honest with me so we can
, you know, start working on theissue.
But you know it was never dealtwith that way.
It was more you're crazy,you're delusional, you're
(23:33):
jealous.
I can't put up with yourjealousy anymore.
This is your own insecuritythat's doing all this.
And I started to believe that Ithink, and I didn't want to be
that person, you know.
So I tried to pretend thatthings were okay.
For a very long time I tried topretend that things were okay.
(23:53):
I kind of went through thisdenial era where everything was
perfect, everything was fine, wewere happy, I was smiling, but
all of it was perfect.
Everything was fine, we werehappy, I was smiling, but all of
it was fake because, deep down,I knew the truth.
I knew the truth of what wasgoing on.
And you know what, guys, it wasstill happening and instead of
(24:14):
dealing with it, you know, I letthose words of you're just
being jealous, you're just beinginsecure.
You don't trust me.
You know you can't have ahealthy relationship if we don't
have to, if there's no trust.
You know kind of putting allthe blame back on me, and I
(24:40):
really just started to take thaton.
And this is the danger when webecome of, you know, being in
relationships where weconstantly give our power away,
you know, where we trust ourpartner more than we trust
ourselves.
Because, looking back, you know, if I were to have, you know,
coffee with the version of mewho was going through that
(25:02):
experience, I'd be like, dude,you don't have a jealous bone in
your body Like you've neverbeen jealous before.
So why, all of a sudden now,are you going through this
experience that clearly isfeeling like, is so painful and
you're feeling so deeply, you'reactually having a visceral
response to what is happening,like, wake up, like.
(25:24):
I just wanted that Sorry, guys,that was my book.
I just wanted to baby shake my.
I would want to baby shakemyself out and to wake up to
what was happening around her,but the reality was is that it
would take me years of fighting,fighting for confession,
(25:47):
fighting for validation,fighting for confirmation and
then denial where you know, Irealized all the fighting wasn't
getting me anywhere, but thepotential loss of this person
that I love so deeply.
So, rather than fight and pushthem away, I decided, hey, we're
just going to pretend that itnever happened.
(26:10):
We blew it up in our mind.
It wasn't real, it was anillusion, everything's fine,
we're all happy.
You know, even though wehaven't had sex in months, we're
happy.
And so you know this is abetrayal that broke me slowly,
(26:32):
because I don't, I didn't wantto see what was happening.
Because to see what washappening and Because to see
what was happening and toactually acknowledge what was
happening, I had to look at howunworthy I actually felt, how
unlovable I actually believedthat I was Because I had put all
(26:57):
my worth and all my value intothis person's hands To validate
for me.
And now to accept what washappening was to accept that all
that validation was untrue andin my mind, the only thing that
(27:18):
would validate is how unworthyof love and how unvaluable and
unlovable I really was.
So, um, with that, you know, um, to be continued.
(27:39):
Um, you know, to be continued.
Where are you maybe giving theresponsibility away for how
lovable you are, for howvaluable you are, for how
deserving of unconditional loveyou actually are?
(28:01):
Because you are, I canguarantee it.
But if you're contracting thatout, if you're sourcing that out
to people around you, if you'resourcing that responsibility,
that validation, to peoplearound you, you'll never really
experience it for yourself.
And I think that you know whenwe are needing to sort,
(28:25):
outsource that, it's becausethere is a deficit there, a
deficit that can actually comeand bite you in the butt and
probably well, I can guaranteeit if it hasn't already.
Um, you know, look at all theways you're giving your power
away.
You know where are you givingyour power away to your
relationships to validate yourexperience what you're feeling,
(28:47):
what you're moving through, whatyou're needing in that moment.
Where are you self-abandoning inyour relationships?
Because you don't want justkeep the peace, move along,
rather than have the mutiny thatyou know that your heart and
(29:11):
soul is literally screaming foryou to have, but you're too
afraid to rock the boat and losethe relationship in order to
have it, lose the relationshipin order to have it, and even to
accept it, to own it.
To say it out loud, I amexperiencing this instead of the
(29:37):
denial you might be movingthrough.
No-transcript.
(30:02):
And, of course, if you lovethis episode, please leave a
positive rating and review.
That's all for now, you guys.
Until next time, massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up?
And welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
We are doing things again, as Isaid last week, a little bit
differently on the show.
What has been on my heart toshare with you guys is kind of
my journey through thisevolution and breaking some of
(00:20):
my toxic relationship patternsand there's kind of four
distinct phases that I wentthrough which I've kind of
talked about before.
But I kind of want to go alittle bit deeper into some of
these phases and some of themicro moments that took place
within them.
So you start to understand howthe story unfolded and how the
evolution unfolded.
And you know, part of what'sbeen on my heart to share was my
(00:44):
experience through emotionaland physical infidelity and the
impacts that that had on me andhow that really kind of started
my whole transformation.
Now there's four kind ofdistinct phases that I can, you
know, quantify that I kind ofwent through on this journey and
(01:06):
you know I've talked about thembefore, so it's nothing new.
But I am going to go a littlebit deeper into some of the
micro moments that shaped theseexperiences more real and
vulnerable, about the wholejourney and how it all unfolded.
(01:27):
Right, it was an evolution overtime and I want you guys to
keep that in mind as we talkabout these things on the
podcast.
Everything that I share with youwas an evolution over time.
I mean, this all startedprobably back in 2005, you know,
and we're now in 2020.
It's been a 20 year evolution.
You guys, like it's not stuffthat you know, I kind of you
know, I went to a retreat oneweekend and I did some
(01:48):
journaling and I got all theseinsights and now I've called
myself an expert, like I'veliterally been through the
rabbit hole and through theringer for the last 20 years, um
, trying to unscramble all this.
So please take everything I'mwell, take everything I say I
share with you with a grain ofsalt and take what resonates and
leave the rest.
But please know that it doesn'tcome from a place where I'm
(02:09):
taking it lightly, where Ihaven't done the work or, you
know and this is not to proveanything, this is just something
in my soul has been nudging meto share about these things,
more especially the beginning,which is when I experienced, you
know, the lying, the cheating,the gaslighting and really what
kind of sparked this wholejourney, I think for me, you
(02:34):
know, every phase had itspurpose and we'll go through the
different phases and I willshare.
But, oddly enough, I knew Iwanted to start with the lying,
the cheating and the gaslightingfirst, and this is not the
first time I've shared aboutthis on the podcast.
But, like I said, we're goingto go deeper into some of the
micro moments in that experience.
Right, but an interesting thinghappened the last time I shared
(02:56):
about the experience of cheatingand infidelity and, you know,
lying, cheating and thegaslighting, I had made the
decision to start sharing aboutit and I remember I had
intentionally I usually recordon Sunday, so I went to bed
Saturday night with theintention that I was going to
record it the next day, and thenthat night I was flooded with
(03:18):
dreams and visions, and evenwhen I would wake up from these
dreams and visions, I wouldrecall moments in that
experience.
It was almost as if I was goingthrough the index card of
memories that I wanted to share,and so that never happens for
(03:38):
me.
I get inspired ideas.
Everything I share on thepodcast is an inspired idea, but
when it comes to sharing thepieces of that story, it's
literally like my soul goesthrough the index cards of
memories, of things that I needto start talking about, I need
to start sharing about.
And so last night I went to bedwith the same intention that I
(04:01):
was going to start sharing thatstory today and let me tell you,
I've barely slept because, Iswear, my subconscious, my soul,
has been like, has kept me upall night going through a whole
series of events and things thatI want to start talking about,
and I was like, okay, well, Ican't talk about all this in one
day.
I only have a couple of hoursto record tomorrow.
(04:24):
So I've written down what I canand, you know, let's just start
and we'll see where we end up.
I don't have notes.
I don't have notes.
I don't have a plan, I don't.
I maybe have like some generalkind of titles or milestones
through the journey that I kindof want to cover.
But we're going to try and wingthis and you know, I really
(04:46):
just kind of want to try andspeak from the heart as much as
I can.
So if I were to break it outinto four different phases right
of the last 20 years of my life, going through this process,
this undoing and rebuilding ofmy relationship patterns and
breaking these toxicrelationship patterns so that I
can become a magnet for healthy,loving relationships.
(05:08):
Four distinct phases.
The first one, you know kind of, was my heartbreak era.
That's when I went through thelying, the cheating, the
gaslighting and that was reallyshowing me that was.
That was very intentional, youknow, because with that period
was trying to show me that Ididn't see before and even going
(05:31):
through it I didn't see it.
I probably didn't see it untillike now was how much of my
power I was giving away to otherpeople, how much I was self
abandoning to please people andto keep love in my life, and how
much of my own self-worth I wasexternally sourcing to people
(05:53):
around me, how much of it I waskind of contracting out for
people to validate my worth andmy value.
And it was a very, very painfulexperience and a painful lesson,
but something I really neededto go through in this lifetime,
to go through this evolution.
It really just it was the spark, it was the catalyst, it was
(06:16):
the beginning of the end.
So dramatic, but you know Iwouldn't be who I am today if
had I not gone through that, youknow.
So you know to say you know, oh, you know, you know, when
you've healed from an experience, when you're truly grateful I
(06:36):
don't know if I'm so, I stilldon't know if I'm fully grateful
yet Like, I mean, there was alot of pain and hurt that I
would cringe to have to gothrough again.
But you know, knowing where itbrought me and the experiences
that it led to, then, yeah, Iprobably would do it again,
honestly, okay.
(06:58):
So after that was, you know,that was the heartbreak era.
After that was my hot mess era,and that was literally where I
was trying to escape all my pain, all my hurt, all my wounding,
just find the next source ofvalidation.
And you know someone who wouldsave me or rescue me from the
(07:20):
pain of my own experience, againexternally sourcing my
validation and really goingthrough like partner after
partner after partner, andrealizing they were getting more
and more toxic each and everytime.
And then was really myself-love era, when I finally
(07:42):
just got so exhausted from thewhole process that I just cut
myself off and that, I think,was really my dark night of the
soul, because, you know, it putme in a place where I needed to
learn to love myself again fromthe beginning.
Right, I needed to undo all thedamage of the past, I needed to
heal through all that emotionalcrap that I'd been through and
(08:04):
I really just needed to learn tolove myself when, I might add,
I really had no reason to lovemyself.
By societal standards I mean notby, you know.
I mean, obviously we're allworthy beings, we're all worthy
of love.
We all deserve our own love aswell as the love of others
around us.
However, by societal standards,I didn't deserve that love.
(08:26):
You know what I mean.
Like I wasn't successful at thetime.
I was really strugglingfinancially, I was struggling to
find myself, I was strugglingwith depression, I was
overweight, I didn't have apartner, I wasn't married, I
didn't have children.
There were so many things that,by societal standards, would
have pegged me as just this,like disaster, like utter
(08:48):
failure.
And in that moment of feelinglike a total failure and feeling
like a total write-off, I hadto learn to love myself and you
know it wasn't easy, you know,but I think that was kind of.
You know again, the evolutionthat I needed to go through to
break that codependency forneeding my environment to
(09:13):
validate me right Externally.
You know, giving my power awayto other people, self-abandoning
and choosing to prioritizeother people's needs over my own
.
That was the phase I needed tobe in in order to undo all those
patterns.
And then you know which kind ofbrings us to today in this you
know kind of magnetic love erathat I'm in, where I'm kind of
(09:36):
manifesting these amazing lovestories you know still haven't
met the one, but definitely in avery different place where you
know I'm not giving my poweraway, I'm not self-abandoning
anymore.
I am choosing myself first andI am really clear on what it is
(09:56):
that I want, or I'm gettingclearer on what it is that I
want.
And you know, all these lovestories have also been an
evolution over time to kind ofshow me what it is I do want in
a relationship, right, because Ithink up until now I really had
no clue, because I had no ideawhat healthy love really was.
So all of that is starting tokind of be revealed to me now
and I'm starting to piecetogether you know what I would
(10:17):
look for in a partner and alsoknowing that you know I don't
need to, you know, externallysource my validation, knowing
that I can choose myself and putmyself and my needs and my
priorities first, and knowingthat you know my person if
they're truly my person, willlove, honor and respect that,
(10:39):
and just being in a place ofknowing that I don't have to
settle anymore and I don't, aplace of knowing that I don't
have to settle anymore and Idon't, I'm perfectly okay with
living my best life until thisperson shows up, right, and I
think that's a very differentplace from where I was in the
beginning.
So that's kind of the evolution, right, like that's kind of the
overview of you know what thelast 20 years has looked like
(11:01):
and each phase kind of took likeI probably spent five to seven
years in each of these phasesLike I'm not even kidding With
the exception of the last onewhich has only been kind of like
a few years now.
Oh yeah, five, I would probablysay about five years, right and
so or no less.
Anyway, I'm I digress, let'sjust say five to seven years at
(11:21):
each phase, loosely, and there'sno like I mean, please don't
think of it as like you know anexact timeline where you know
there was this time and then itgot cut off and then we went
into the next timeline.
All of these kind of merged andyou know, I kind of trickled a
tiptoed back between time,between eras, like before I
(11:43):
finally, like moved on over tothe next one.
You know what I mean.
Like they're not, it's not soclear cut.
I'm trying to put a clear cuttimeline on it but it wasn't
very clear cut, you know.
Like I mean there was timeswhere I dabbled in my self-love
era while I was still in myheartbreak era, and there was
times where I, you know, kind ofdabbled in my magnetic love
story era while I was still inmy hot mess era.
(12:04):
So you know, like, again, veryloose, it kind of happened very
organically.
But for context and forunderstanding, I'm trying to
break it down into kind of thesefour neat little
compartmentalized phases.
So, going back to the beginning,right, and the betrayal this
(12:29):
was really the betrayal thatbroke me slowly over time,
because I, you know, when wetalk about infidelity and you
know, you know, when we talkabout experiences of having been
cheated on, it happens a lotLike I can't say, like I can't
speak for other women, I canonly speak for myself.
(12:51):
You know, experience um waswithout a doubt, the most
painful experience of my lifeBecause when I think back to who
I was when it all happened.
You know, this person was myhappily ever after.
(13:11):
This person was someone who Itrusted more than I trusted
myself.
This person was somebody that Ifelt like I could put my life
in his hands and I would betotally taken care of.
And so for me and I think I'vesaid this before when the
(13:33):
betrayal happened, I wasblindsided.
And I don't think it was funny,because there was a distinct
moment where this betrayal kindof became evident to me.
But it was in that moment thatI realized, oh my God, this has
(14:05):
been happening for months, maybeeven I almost want to say, well
, no, it was happening, I think,for several months.
And you know I can still recallthe moment.
You know we're in bed.
We got a phone call.
I could clearly hear her voiceon the other end of the phone.
It clearly was not a friend.
(14:26):
It clearly was not.
It wasn't how you talk to yourco worker and it wasn't how you
talk to your friends, especiallyif they're a man and they're
married.
You know what I mean and Icould hear her clearly.
And I can just remember havingeverything inside me just kind
of sink for a second and I justwanted to vomit in my pillow
(14:52):
Because up until that point, youknow, we had our challenge.
I knew we were having challengesand I knew that there were
things.
I knew there was a distancebetween us that I couldn't quite
put my finger on and I knewthat we were moving through
something, but I honestlythought that we were going to be
okay and I was doing everythingin my power to kind of, you
know, bring us closer, bring usback together and, you know,
(15:14):
create the love affair that wehad experienced when we first
come together, and so, but itnever even dawned on me that
this was happening.
I thought we were movingthrough a difficult time.
I thought he was stressed atwork you know, he was,
ironically, working so manyhours, you know, and just so
tired all the time, and crankyand disconnected and felt like,
(15:37):
you know, he didn't want to be.
You know, he kind of felt likehe was always off somewhere else
and even when he was there, hewasn't, and so I just chalked it
up to he was going through adifficult time.
He was stressed, he was tired,he was depressed, you know, and
this was a very difficultexperience for me because we had
(15:57):
just moved in together, right,and you know, we moved in
together with the excitement ofstarting a life together and
then, all of a sudden, we movein together and it's like whoa,
like where's the relationship?
What happened?
Like, you know, like, how didwe get from you know, this crazy
, passionate, connectedrelationship to now, this right,
literally the moment we movedin together and so it never
(16:24):
occurred to me what washappening.
And it's so funny because I wassad, I was disappointed.
It had been going on forseveral months and I felt so
unseen and so unloved and Icouldn't understand why this
person who I loved with all myheart was just suddenly
emotionally checked out of therelationship, right, right, when
(16:47):
we were supposed to bebeginning our happily ever after
, right.
I couldn't understand why hehad checked out and I was so
hurt and let down, but I knew hewas going through a hard time.
So I put that aside to kind of,um, you know, focus on him and
focus on what he needed and andand and trying to kind of work
(17:09):
through his priorities to bringus closer together, right, and
bring that connection back.
So, instead of dealing withwhat I was going through, I was
more focused on what he wasgoing through, thinking that
would be the thing, that wouldbe the glue to kind of bring us
back together.
And it wasn't until that morningwhen she called and I heard her
(17:29):
on the other end and I was likewhat the fuck, like what the
actual fuck.
And then in that moment I hadthis.
It was, you know how they say,like right before you die you
have this flashback of your life.
On that moment it was almostlike the death of our
(17:50):
relationship, or at least thedeath of how I experienced our
relationship, because in thatmoment I had a flashback of all
of the patterns and thebehaviors that I had been
completely oblivious to,completely oblivious to that he
was cheating.
And as I started to recall allthese memories and these moments
(18:15):
, I can remember being in ashock state where I couldn't say
anything.
I was literally in paralysis.
I remember being in a shockstate where I couldn't say
anything.
I was literally in paralysis.
I got up that day, I confrontedhim and you know he pretended
that it was nothing.
You know he tried to cover upthe voice, he tried to kind of
(18:39):
bypass the whole experience andI confronted him on it and he
totally fumbled his way throughlike a flimsy excuse, trying to
cover it all up and I knew hewas lying.
I knew him well enough to knowhe was lying and I knew that and
I just took it in and I'm likeI was like a deer in headlights,
you guys, I didn't know what todo in.
(19:02):
And I'm like I was like a deerin headlights, you guys, I
didn't know what to do.
So I went about my day.
We were expecting company thatnight.
I went through the motions ofthe day and I was shocked.
I was a deer in headlights theentire day.
I don't even know if I wasblinking.
I think I might've actuallystopped breathing.
I was just in this utter stateof shock where I was just going
through the motions of the dayand doing what I needed to do to
(19:24):
get through it.
You know, I did the cleaning ofthe house, I prepped the food,
I did all the things that you dowhen you know you're expecting
people over for dinner.
And all the while, something inme was just screaming and I
couldn't quite comprehend it.
(19:45):
He had gone out to buy somethings that we needed for the
dinner and I remember, you knowthe store was like 15 minutes
away.
You know he came back fivehours later I couldn't get a
hold of him.
His cell phone was off.
Um, you know, clearly inretrospect he had gone to see
(20:08):
her.
Um and I was sitting on thefront step at the front of our
house, um, and I was just Um andI was just, you know, I wasn't
crying, but I was in a in astate of like I again like shock
, where I was just kind ofsitting there and I had all this
(20:30):
emotion welling up in me but Ididn't know what it was and I
didn't know how to explain it.
And you know, I wanted to crybut I think I was just too
shocked to cry.
You know, I wanted to cry but Ithink I was just too shocked to
cry.
And you know, thinking back, Idon't know when the moment was
(21:01):
that I finally allowed thatreality to sink in, because it
took time, I would say probably.
It took me several weeks to letthe reality of what was
happening really sink in.
And then the fighting started.
And then there was this denialon his part I didn't have a
smoking gun.
So there was a part of me thatbelieved well, unless you have
(21:22):
hard, concrete proof, you can'treally end a relationship on.
You know.
You know something that couldbe so circumstantial, because
then you know, you're justanother crazy jealous person.
You know, I had it so much inmy head like don't be that girl,
don't be that insecure.
You know woman who constantlyaccuses her partner of doing
(21:46):
things, of cheating on her, ofbeing with other women, of
giving other women attentionbased on, you know,
circumstantial.
I needed the smoking gun, youknow, because I had so so much
idea around.
You know, I just wanted to bethe cool girlfriend.
I just wanted to be the coolpartner, the cool, you know, who
(22:07):
didn't obsess over these things.
And I never was like I was nevera jealous person Like I.
You know I would never getjealous when he was around.
You know other women and youknow we had friends who you know
.
You know he, you know we, youknow all everyone kind of got
together and you know otherwomen and you know we had
friends who you know, you knowhe, you know we, you know all
everyone kind of got togetherand you know some people were
partnered and some peopleweren't.
(22:28):
And you know I never had issueswith thinking that he was
cheating.
I never has.
I never had the idea that Ineeded to feel threatened about
other women because I felt I wascenter of his universe.
You know, falsely.
So there was never like ashadow of doubt.
And this is where I think Itripped myself up or I did trip
(22:49):
myself up in that time is that Iwas, and you know, telling
myself that.
You know, I didn't want to bethis person.
And then he started making mefeel like you're just being a
jealous, you're just beingjealous, you're insecure, you're
jealous, you're this, you'rethat, Kind of putting it all
back on me.
And it's like I allowed that toreally kind of sink in and I
(23:10):
really kind of took it on.
I mean, in the beginning I was,you know, really fighting for
validation.
I was fighting for a confession.
I was, you know, trying to makesense of everything that
happened and get him to reallyjust be honest with me so we can
, you know, start working on theissue.
But you know it was never dealtwith that way.
It was more you're crazy,you're delusional, you're
(23:33):
jealous.
I can't put up with yourjealousy anymore.
This is your own insecuritythat's doing all this.
And I started to believe that Ithink, and I didn't want to be
that person, you know.
So I tried to pretend thatthings were okay.
For a very long time I tried topretend that things were okay.
(23:53):
I kind of went through thisdenial era where everything was
perfect, everything was fine, wewere happy, I was smiling, but
all of it was perfect.
Everything was fine, we werehappy, I was smiling, but all of
it was fake because, deep down,I knew the truth.
I knew the truth of what wasgoing on.
And you know what, guys, it wasstill happening and instead of
(24:14):
dealing with it, you know, I letthose words of you're just
being jealous, you're just beinginsecure.
You don't trust me.
You know you can't have ahealthy relationship if we don't
have to, if there's no trust.
You know kind of putting allthe blame back on me, and I
(24:40):
really just started to take thaton.
And this is the danger when webecome of, you know, being in
relationships where weconstantly give our power away,
you know, where we trust ourpartner more than we trust
ourselves.
Because, looking back, you know, if I were to have, you know,
coffee with the version of mewho was going through that
(25:02):
experience, I'd be like, dude,you don't have a jealous bone in
your body Like you've neverbeen jealous before.
So why, all of a sudden now,are you going through this
experience that clearly isfeeling like, is so painful and
you're feeling so deeply, you'reactually having a visceral
response to what is happening,like, wake up, like.
(25:24):
I just wanted that Sorry, guys,that was my book.
I just wanted to baby shake my.
I would want to baby shakemyself out and to wake up to
what was happening around her,but the reality was is that it
would take me years of fighting,fighting for confession,
(25:47):
fighting for validation,fighting for confirmation and
then denial where you know, Irealized all the fighting wasn't
getting me anywhere, but thepotential loss of this person
that I love so deeply.
So, rather than fight and pushthem away, I decided, hey, we're
just going to pretend that itnever happened.
(26:10):
We blew it up in our mind.
It wasn't real, it was anillusion, everything's fine,
we're all happy.
You know, even though wehaven't had sex in months, we're
happy.
And so you know this is abetrayal that broke me slowly,
(26:32):
because I don't, I didn't wantto see what was happening.
Because to see what washappening and Because to see
what was happening and toactually acknowledge what was
happening, I had to look at howunworthy I actually felt, how
unlovable I actually believedthat I was Because I had put all
(26:57):
my worth and all my value intothis person's hands To validate
for me.
And now to accept what washappening was to accept that all
that validation was untrue andin my mind, the only thing that
(27:18):
would validate is how unworthyof love and how unvaluable and
unlovable I really was.
So, um, with that, you know, um, to be continued.
(27:39):
Um, you know, to be continued.
Where are you maybe giving theresponsibility away for how
lovable you are, for howvaluable you are, for how
deserving of unconditional loveyou actually are?
(28:01):
Because you are, I canguarantee it.
But if you're contracting thatout, if you're sourcing that out
to people around you, if you'resourcing that responsibility,
that validation, to peoplearound you, you'll never really
experience it for yourself.
And I think that you know whenwe are needing to sort,
(28:25):
outsource that, it's becausethere is a deficit there, a
deficit that can actually comeand bite you in the butt and
probably well, I can guaranteeit if it hasn't already.
Um, you know, look at all theways you're giving your power
away.
You know where are you givingyour power away to your
relationships to validate yourexperience what you're feeling,
(28:47):
what you're moving through, whatyou're needing in that moment.
Where are you self-abandoning inyour relationships?
Because you don't want justkeep the peace, move along,
rather than have the mutiny thatyou know that your heart and
(29:11):
soul is literally screaming foryou to have, but you're too
afraid to rock the boat and losethe relationship in order to
have it, lose the relationshipin order to have it, and even to
accept it, to own it.
To say it out loud, I amexperiencing this instead of the
(29:37):
denial you might be movingthrough.
No-transcript.
(30:02):
And, of course, if you lovethis episode, please leave a
positive rating and review.
That's all for now, you guys.
Until next time, massive love.
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