Episode Transcript
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MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:01):
Hey guys,
what is up and welcome back to
the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Funny story, so I kind ofwanted to continue down this
like rabbit hole of you know.
How.
You know, chasing and beggingfor love from emotionally
unavailable men just became myMO in life and I talked about
(00:25):
last week how you know I hadthat big turning point in my
long term relationship and kindof tied it back to my
relationship with my dad.
And you know, when I wasyounger and you know, it was one
of those things that I think ifchasing and begging for love
from emotionally unavailable menwas an Olympic sport, I would
(00:47):
literally have the gold fuckingmedal.
I've been training for thissince I was a child, okay, and
it's so funny because the otherday I was like with my friends
and we're having drinks and Iwas telling the story about.
You know, we're talking aboutlike childhood crushes and like
who our first crush was right,and I can remember me and my
(01:07):
friend at the time oh my God, wewere in grade five.
Okay, we were like barely outof diapers.
Okay, we were grade five andthere was these two boys in the
class, like I think they werethe next grade from us, or two
grades, I can't remember Olderguys right from us, or two
grades, I can't remember, um,older guys Right, um, anyway,
(01:28):
joey and Dominic, I can stillremember them, oh my God, I can
remember their faces, like Iliterally saw them.
Yet you know how, like, afterlike years, you haven't seen
anybody.
I can literally, like still seetheir faces.
Okay, um, dominic was short, hehad kind of straight, um very
like dark, like jet black, umhair and kind of like tousled
(01:53):
looking, whereas joey, on theother side, on the other hand,
was taller, he had these likegorgeous, like also dark hair,
but he had these like gorgeouscurls on his head.
And I can just remember, likeboth of us like freaking out
over both of them.
And you know we would walk bytheir classrooms to see them.
(02:13):
You know they would walk bytheir drama classes classes, see
them sitting on the floor andlike wondering what the hell
they were doing.
We would walk by their lockers,we would take the long way home
from school so that we couldwalk by their neighborhood, you
know.
And then there was the bigrealization that from my
friend's building, she lived inthis massive apartment building
(02:36):
that was literally like rightabove, right down the street
from the school where we'regoing to, and you know, when you
actually went into herapartment we could actually see
into their neighborhood, likeinto the cul-de-sac that they
lived on, and we could see themplaying on their bikes and their
skateboards and we wouldliterally hang out on her
balcony stalking these guys.
(02:56):
Then we got their number, soyou know you would and this was
before call, waiting and allthat and and call, call um
caller ID.
We would call them frequentlyand hang up and then it's oh my
God, anyway, this was thebeginning, okay, this was just
the beginning.
There, that was like a two yearcrush.
It was like through grade fiveand all, through grade six, I
(03:19):
think or, yeah, I think it wasgrade five and six Um, totally
crushing on these guys, like sobad, so bad.
And then you know that becamemy MO.
So for you know, every coupleof years I would do this, I
would fall in love with somedude in my class or in my
(03:42):
friend's class or somebody whowas, you know, usually about a
year or two older than me, and Iwould just crush on them, like
to the point of like humiliation.
I would crush on them and bethis desperate fool who would
look at them with puppy dog eyesevery time they walked by me in
(04:04):
the hall for like two years,sometimes even three years,
stalking same behaviors, callingthem like you know to hear
their voice, and then hang upand stalking them outside their
classroom or going where theirfriends would hang out, just to
(04:24):
see them and never to doanything about it, but just to
like see them and be in thevicinity of them and have them
see me and and you know, deepdown, obviously you know
thinking about what am I goingto wear when I go?
What am I?
How am I going to do my hair?
What am I going to say?
What am I going to do?
How am I going to look at him?
What's my what's?
What's going to be like?
Am I going to be like laughingwith my friends?
(04:45):
Are we going to be crackingjokes, pretending to be
confident and not care thatthey're there, even though we've
just spent, like the last, liketwo hours planning this, like,
not like.
Um, what's it called this, this,this out of the blue
happenstance run in?
It was never happenstance.
There was always a plot.
(05:09):
There was always a plot andthat plot would take hours to
like, plan out and strategicallyimplement.
And then the outfit and how youwere going to act and what you
were going to say and what yourfriend was going to say and how
you were going to respond, toget the right, all of it
engineered, brilliantlyengineered, to get them to see
(05:33):
us, to notice us, to smile at us, to whatever you know.
I mean, the goal was toactually get them to finally
profess their undying love to us, which they never actually did.
But that was the goal in all ofthis.
But I want you to know, likethis was a very strategic
operation and a lot of younggirls do this we go through, I
(05:55):
mean, we were practically NavySEALs when it comes to, like you
know, dating emotionally orchasing emotionally unavailable
men.
We were the Navy SEALs of thetrade emotionally or chasing
emotionally unavailable men.
We were the Navy SEALs of thetrade.
Like there is nothing that wewouldn't do to get a guy's
attention, especially one whowas emotionally unavailable, who
showed zero interest and, youknow, didn't make any effort
(06:15):
whatsoever.
So was this the new normal?
Is this what it was supposed tobe like?
Because I think that there was apart of me that and maybe this
was normal for young girls, butI don't know.
Some girls started to grow outof it.
I seem to not grow out of it.
(06:37):
I mean I did for a short periodwhere I grew out of it and then
I kind of went right back intoit, I don't know why.
And again it goes back to thatbelief of well, what is it that
I really deserve?
What do I believe I am worthyof when it comes to love?
What do I believe love lookslike?
(06:57):
What do I believe is safe aboutbeing in a real intimate, close
connection with somebody youknow?
And is there some things that Ineed to look at there?
Because I do think that thispattern for me of chasing
emotionally unavailable men wasso ingrained in me that it took
(07:20):
so much work to undo.
So I've learned a few thingsalong the way.
So that's why you know like.
I always say like.
You know it's always.
You know you can always do yourhealing on your own, but it is
always faster if you movethrough it with someone who
knows, who's been through it,who knows like, because you know
, when I think back to like thehealing journey, like man, I
(07:42):
made a lot of wrong turns.
It's not to say I didn't learnanything on those wrong turns,
but, man, I took a lot offucking wrong turns.
So you know we can kind of giveyou like instead of taking the
scenic route, but anyway, so youknow all that to say.
Like you know, this became away of life for me and it did
(08:05):
Like if it didn't.
If you know, having a dad whowas somehow emotional I don't
even know if I would call itemotionally unavailable or
emotionally dysfunctional butyou know, having had that
experience with my dad and youknow, kind of going through my
younger years, you knowreaffirming all of these beliefs
(08:28):
that I had, that you know that.
You know love wasn't safe andyou know love wasn't available
to me like it was for otherpeople, like I did have to fight
for it.
I did have to convince them.
I did have to perform or put ona show, have to convince them.
I did have to perform or put ona show or show up in a way to
get the attention that I wantedto get from them, which is what
I had learned from, you know,with my dad, um, and I don't
(08:54):
think he ever realized thatthat's the effect that it had
and I and I don't think that hewould have ever wanted that it
just, it just, it was what itwas Like.
He was just an old school dad,right, um, but, um, you know,
this really became my definitionof how I showed up in
relationship and how I thoughtyou, you were supposed to show
(09:17):
up in order to find arelationship or to find somebody
who would want to be with you.
Like I thought this was normal,this was my um, my baseline, you
know, and I had to reprogramall of that, um, and I think the
hardest part of thereprogramming is you know being
able to do all these things.
(09:37):
And you know stalk theneighborhoods and make the calls
and hang up.
Well, you can't really do thatanymore.
I'm sorry, guys, I hate thatyou guys can't do that anymore,
but it was fun while it lasted.
But you know making the phonecalls and then hanging up as
soon as they answer the phone,and you know stalking where
their friends are going to beand when they're going to be in
the games are going to go to,and you know, whatever you know
(09:59):
doing all those things, whateveryou know doing all those things
gave you an odd sense ofcontrol, and I think the one
thing that became evidentlyclear when I had to pull the
plug on all those behaviors washow out of control we actually
are.
Like in terms of like, like wecan control how we show up and
(10:19):
we can control what we do withour lives.
Um, and we can control how weshow up and we can control what
we do with our lives and we cancontrol how we show up with
people, but we have no controlover when people show up for us.
Who shows up, how they show up,when they show up, like we have
no control over that.
That's kind of like, you know,again, putting it in the hands
of source to like know what'sbest and know when the time is
(10:43):
right, and that's kind of, youknow, like that's a faith that I
continue to lean into today.
You know, as you know, a womanwho's you know older.
You know I've been single nowfor quite some time.
I just ended a long termrelationship a few months ago
and again, it wasn't because oflack of love.
There was tons of love there,but it wasn't the future I
(11:03):
wanted with this person.
There was no way that thisperson could be the future that
I needed them to be in order tohave, you know, a life together.
And so you know I had to make avery difficult decision for me.
But all that to say, you know itbrings me back to this point
where you know, maybe thechasing, maybe the convincing,
(11:29):
maybe the begging for someone tolove you, to choose you, to pay
attention to you, maybe thatgives you some sort of sense of
control, that you have somecontrol over the timing, um, or
the outcomes, and there'ssomething really comforting in
that.
Unfortunately, because thereality is, and when we put our
heart out there, we don't knowlike there's always a risk of
(11:51):
getting hurt.
That risk never goes away.
And I think that in order to beopen for a real loving and
intimate connection, we have toembrace the fact that we may get
hurt one day.
Even if they love us, we maylose them one day, and that is
just the reality.
And if we let that fear of loss, of pain, of grief, keep us
(12:13):
from feeling safe to lovesomeone, that is really gonna
distort our energetic signaturewhen it comes to calling in
relationships.
So all that to say, when we dothese things, when we chase,
when we perform, when we planthe outfits, what we're going to
say where we're going to be,how we're going to show up, how
(12:34):
are we going to behave?
Are we going to play it coolLike we don't even see them?
Are we going to be laughingwith our friends so they think
that we don't even know thatthey're there, when we know that
they're there?
Like all these things when wedo when we're younger?
Right, they give us a sense ofcontrol, right?
What does it look like to leaninto the unknown, to let go of
(12:56):
all these tools, all thesetechniques, all these really I
mean for lack of a better wordmanipulative tactics that we use
in order to get the attentionthat we need that's going to
soothe whatever's going on onthe inside and make us feel safe
and secure and seen.
I think the biggest part was inthat letting go of that sense
(13:19):
of control, letting go of thatdelusion that I have some sort
of control over how things panout.
Like we don't.
We don't have any control.
You know, and I think that justletting go and you know, some of
(13:39):
the biggest lessons I thinkthat have broken this pattern
for me has been in letting go ofthe control, trusting that the
right person will show up at theright time and I don't need to
perform for it, and trustingthat when they do show up I will
.
I can trust myself enough toknow when it's right and when
it's not and let myself open up.
(14:01):
And you know baby steps right.
You want to be careful,especially if you've been
through trauma.
I think you know it's alwaysdifficult.
I always say when you're inthose first stages of a
relationship, especially if youexperience relationship, trauma
is, you know, gradual.
You know you can graduallystart to unfold and let yourself
be fully seen and be fullyvulnerable and you know letting
(14:30):
your intentions be known.
I think you know going from aspace of you know constantly
chasing and manipulating and andand convincing people to choose
you and begging people tochoose you, to letting yourself
just be yourself and trustingthat the person who will love
you unapologetically is justgoing to like, is just going to
(14:52):
show up.
You still have to go out andyou have to live your life,
obviously, but trusting thatthat person will show up and
love you just for being you,that takes a shit ton of faith
faith in yourself, faith in yourworth and faith in everything
that you know the world told youisn't true and you know it can
(15:15):
be very uncomfortable, but it'sbeen the key thing for me in
terms of, you know, dialing, youknow turning up the dial on my
magnetism when you're notconstantly out there chasing or
convincing or trying to coercingRight, um.
But all that to say, you knowthat behavior for me evolved
(15:39):
over time and it did become away of life for me and it did
become something that was verydeeply ingrained in me and even
though a lot of, you know womenaround me kind of grew out of it
and, and you know, grew up and,you know, found normal, healthy
relationships, I kind ofcontinued this practice and
(15:59):
after I, you know, I left mylong term relationship and you
know that whole begging on thefloor moment.
You know I continue toperpetuate a lot of these
patterns as I got older as well.
And what I really had to lookat, you know, when I was
perpetuating them, it's like,okay, well, again, by chasing
(16:20):
them, what am I running fromwithin myself that I don't want
to look at?
What is this false sense ofcontrol that I'm getting from
this, or safety that I'm gettingfrom this, that without it I
feel totally vulnerable andunsafe?
And can I lean into thatvulnerability and feeling of
(16:42):
being unsafe and trust that I'llbe taken care of and trust that
you know I'll be okay.
You know, even as you know, like, like you know, as you get
older you know I'm 51 now, right, so the whole narrative of oh,
but you know you're not gettingany younger and you have to find
somebody and this and that, andblah, blah, blah.
You know that's still, that'sstill around me, like that
(17:05):
doesn't.
That hasn't gone away, that'sstill there and it's still
lurking.
And sometimes, you know, whenpeople say it to me, it can
still rattle me a little bit andI it takes discipline to this
day to be able to say hold.
On a second Number one, I am notgoing to settle for somebody
who's not for me.
(17:26):
And I know, like I've been onmy own for quite some time, so I
know I can be on my own and Iknow I can live a good life on
my own.
And I also know that, no matterhow uncomfortable it got
sometimes and no matter how, oh,you know, but I just wish I had
someone there and it would just.
You know, this would be easierif I had someone.
(17:47):
That would be better.
And you want that you want tohave someone there, but there
have been moments where someonewas there but I chose to say no
to whatever they were offering,whether it was a situationship,
friendship or, you know, a realromantic relationship but that
(18:08):
couldn't get me the life that I,that I wanted, that I was
looking for, and I said no to it.
So what I do know is that, youknow now, me now is not out
there performing or trying toget attention or trying to
coerce somebody to love her andto choose her, as much as I want
(18:30):
those things, and sometimes Ifeel sad.
That not sad, but you know, Ifeel like, okay, well, you know,
it would have been nice to havesomeone you know this time, or
to go to this wedding, or to goon, you know, vacation with,
like, you have those momentsright, even though I have that
from time to time, and I thinkit's totally normal to do that,
(18:53):
I know what I know to be trueand that is that I am no longer
settling for situationships orsomebody who shows up, as you
know, even the slightest bitemotionally unavailable, or, you
know, if I see a red flag, I'mable to walk away from it, and
that, to me, has been the mostempowering part of this whole
(19:14):
thing, because I think that youknow there's something to be
said for, yes, I want thosethings, absolutely I want those
things, but that doesn't meanthat I'm going to settle for
just anybody who comes along,and that certainly doesn't mean
that I'm going to settle forjust anybody who comes along,
and that certainly doesn't meanthat I'm going to like bend over
backwards, do cartwheels orperform for somebody to get them
to choose me or get theirattention.
(19:34):
That means that I can be at mybest, be in my power and be out
there living my best life andtrust that, when that person
shows up, and trust that theywill show up, that I'm able to
fully go out there and live mybest life until they do show up.
And even if, for whatever reason, if they didn't show up, I know
(19:55):
that I'd rather go out thereand live my best life on my own
than settle and scatter myenergy any place where it
doesn't belong and in arelationship that I don't feel
good in.
So, no matter how uncomfortableit may have gotten from time to
time, I still, in the end,chose me, and I think that is
something that, for me, has beenthe most empowering decision of
(20:16):
my life the fact that I can,you know, be tempted and there's
been a few.
There's actually been a fewthis year since my relationship
ended where I was just sotempted to to just say, oh, you
know what it's good enough forright now.
It's like I don't want goodenough for right now.
I've tried good enough forright now.
We've been there, done that.
I'm not available for it.
(20:38):
So if there's one thing, youknow, coming out of this
experience that I could say thatI have seriously been able to
enjoy, is the freedom of knowingthat I no longer need to
perform.
I am no longer a circus monkey,be it for romantic partnerships
, friendships or whatever.
I can show up as myself, I canbe myself and I can go out there
(21:02):
and I can live my best lifewith what I've got and make the
best of it, knowing that I amnot going to settle like I used
to or, you know, put my all myfocus and energy into chasing
emotionally unavailable dudesthat you know just aren't
(21:23):
choosing me, just aren't showingup for me the way that I want
them to.
No, that is done.
I.
I can, without a doubt, saythat I'm out there, basically
doing the best with what I'vegot and living my best life in
this current circumstance thatI'm in right now and trying to
make the most of it, knowingthat when this person shows up,
(21:43):
I will be ready and there is noneed to settle for anything less
, because I don't feel like Ihave to settle for anything less
, because there's really nothingnot to say that there's nothing
that there's still.
There's still, like I said, youknow, the healing continues.
I do believe that we heal theentire time that we're alive.
(22:03):
Um, I believe that when thehealing is done, so is this life
.
And that's just my belief,because I think the only reason
we're really here is to evolve.
So if we're not healing, we'renot really evolving.
So I do believe that thehealing continues, but I'm just
I don't know, I'm just notafraid of it anymore.
I guess I I, you know movedthrough so much, I've healed
through so much, that now it'salmost exciting to me, because I
(22:25):
always look at it as well.
What do I get to create on theother side of this?
Right, like the situation, likethe last, like year, with my,
with my mom and my dad being,you know, be needing such care
from you know, me and my sister,and looking at all that that's,
you know, kind of brought upfor us and and what that means
and what that looks for us like,you know, going forward, that
has sparked so much healing, Ithink, probably for both of us,
(22:51):
and and, and you know, massiveshifts in transformation I think
in both of us that I don'tthink either one of us would
have been ready for had we notgone through this experience.
So you know, I know that on theother end of whatever it is
that comes up, we end up evolvedand in our highest timeline or
a higher timeline than where wewere before timeline or a higher
(23:13):
timeline than where we werebefore.
So, yeah, do I.
I don't need, I don't needsomeone there to avoid these
experiences anymore, as I thinkwhat I'm trying to say and I'm
certainly not going to settlefor just anybody anymore and I'm
definitely not going to beperforming or chasing or
convincing or, you know,planning my outfits and calling
people and then hanging up thephone to try and get their
(23:34):
attention and try and get somedopamine hit as validation that
you know they're into me orthey're looking at me or
whatever.
You know young girls do so.
Look at your patterns, look atwhen they began.
You know, like I said, a lot ofthe girls grow out of these
(23:56):
patterns.
A lot of us don't, and we endup just keep perpetuating them
as we get older, and in whichcase you know what?
Look at what it is that you'retrying to avoid on the inside,
because if you're chasing them,you're avoiding something within
yourself.
I'll say that again and again,and again.
So anyway, and again, so anyway.
That's my two cents on that.
So let me know in the commentsbelow who you chased when you
(24:18):
were in grade five or six.
Do you remember their names orwhat they look like or the
things you would go to to chasethem?
I'm dying to hear some of thesecomments.
Let me know or email me atmariaatthefemco, coachcom.
And if you love this episode,please leave a positive reading
and review on Apple podcast orSpotify or wherever you're
(24:39):
seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.