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July 8, 2025 28 mins

We all have that one moment we’ve buried deep.
The one that creeps back in at 2 a.m., leaving a pit in your stomach.
The moment you swore you’d never tell a soul.

This is mine.

In this raw, unfiltered episode of The Femme Cast, I take you back to the moment I found myself on the floor, crying and begging a man to love me—a man I knew, deep down, was cheating and gaslighting me while swearing he loved me. It was humiliating. Cringe-worthy. And yet... It was the beginning of my awakening.

From the outside, it looked like love.

But inside, I was drowning in confusion, emotional neglect, self-abandonment, and the desperate hope that if I could just be “enough,” he would finally choose me.

This wasn’t just about him—it was about a lifetime of chasing emotionally unavailable men.

It was about a father I adored but who didn’t know how to be emotionally present.
It was about the story I had unconsciously lived for decades. 

The story that love must be earned, begged for, and proven worthy of.

Inside this episode, we unpack:

  • The runner-chaser dynamic and why it feels so addictive
  • How early emotional wounds prime us to mistake pain for passion
  • The distorted definition of love I had to unlearn
  • Why your “rock bottom” moment might just be your soul trying to wake you up
  • The truth about men who say all the right things but never show up
  • And the single, most pivotal realization that began my healing journey

This isn’t a fairytale love story.

It’s the story of a woman who got tired of begging to be chosen—and started choosing herself.

If you've ever felt like you had to perform, prove, or plead for someone’s love…
If you're stuck in a cycle of chasing emotionally unavailable people…
If you're ready to reclaim the version of you that knows love shouldn't hurt…

Then this conversation is your mirror, your permission, and maybe even your turning point.

Ready to stop abandoning yourself for love? To finally rise from the wreckage of betrayal and become the woman you were born to be?

The Sacred Reclamation Series: Betrayal Edition starts July 21st right here on The Femme Cast.

5 soul-stirring podcast episodes + a FREE live healing + activation on July 29th @ 8PM EST

This is your sign.
This is your turning point.

Claim your seat now at the FREE live healing + activation now.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass

Mark as Played
Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up?
And welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
We're gonna try and get throughthis today, but I've got a
festival going on outside that Icompletely forgot about.
So there's drums and there'sbeats and there's sirens and
banging.
There's so much going onoutside, but anyway, whatever it
is what it is, I live on a mainstreet.

(00:21):
This is what happens,especially in the summer.
There's always a festival onthe weekends and this is the
only time I have to record.
So, other than, you know,taking a strike from the podcast
all summer, this is what we'regoing to have to do.
So one day I'll manifest thestudio One day, okay, so anyway,
welcome back to the show.
Today is going to be one ofthose conversations about and

(00:44):
I'm sure you've all had thesethose cringe-worthy moments that
you've never told anybody aboutand you kind of wish in the
back of your mind would justfucking disappear and stop
popping up every now and then toremind you.
Hey, you stooped that low once,do you remember?
And you feel that awful pit inyour stomach.
You're like, oh cringe, becauseyou can't believe you actually

(01:06):
stooped that low or got that low.
Well, it happens more than once.
Obviously, this is one of thosetimes when you know it was one
of those turning points, thosemarkers where you know there was
the version of me before thatmoment and then there was the
version of me after, and I can'tsay that it was an instant

(01:29):
transformation, but what beganwas a very slow, gradual
evolution out of who I was intowho I was becoming.
I was deliberately looking backand trying to find the markers
in my journey to say, okay,where were the turning points?
Like what actually happened?
What?
When were those moments when Iactually said, no, I'm ready to

(01:53):
write, I'm ready to write adifferent story?
And this was one of thosemoments.
So, um, it was with one of thedouchebags.
I can't remember which number Iput him at, but he's one of the
douchebags.
So if you ever listen to thedouchebag diaries, he's one of
them and you know we had beentogether for quite a while and

(02:15):
you know we were, you know wewere really really, really well.
I was really trying to makethis relationship work.
We were broken.
For for as long as I canremember we'd been broken and I
knew he was cheating, eventhough he would never admit it,
I knew he was cheating and thenmaking me think that I was crazy

(02:36):
for thinking it.
And I have to, I have topreface that with saying, like
I'm never the person to thinkher man is cheating, like that
was the first time I ever hadthat experience and I knew it in
every fiber and by being thathe was cheating.
There were signs everywhere,there was clues everywhere,
there was mysterious phone callsand emergencies at work at you

(03:01):
know 1030 on a Saturday night,like I mean, there was just too
many things that were pointingto the direction that, hey, you
know what something's not righthere.
But, you know, continuouslymaking me feel like it was me
and it was all in my head and Iwas, you know, creating all the
problems, even though I'd neverhad that issue before, even

(03:22):
though I'd never had that issuebefore.
And also there was, you know,he was somebody who would always
say I love you.
He would always say exactlywhat I needed to hear to silence
me, but then actually hisactions would say the exact

(03:43):
opposite.
So, even though he would say heloved me, he never acted like
he loved me.
Even though he would say he wasthere for me, he actually never
was there for me, even thoughhe would say he wanted to be
with me, we would never actuallymake plans to do anything
together or go anywhere togetheror, you know, have any kind of
a life together.
You know, have any kind of alife together.

(04:05):
So you know, it really startedcoming to a head, you know, with
everything that we hadexperienced and all the pain and
all the trauma and all thefighting and all the trying to
make it work.
And you know I had beenfighting so hard to hang on to
this relationship and I canremember, you know, trying to

(04:27):
put the cheating behind me andtrying to.
You know, maybe it was all inmy head, you know, trying to
think positive and trying toreframe my thoughts, my beliefs,
around that.
Y'all know how I feel aboutthat.
Listen to last week's episode um, trying to convince myself that
everything was okay when I knewit wasn't, and doing everything

(04:57):
in my power really to get thisman to act like he actually
loves me, to act like a partnerwho would actually show up for
me, to feel like an actualpartner to you know, to feel
like an actual partner, not just, you know, somebody.
I was like dicking around withright Because we weren't, we
weren't dicking around, at leastyou know we didn't not, we
weren't.
We were together and we werecommitted to one another.

(05:19):
But was the commitment real, Idon't know Right.
Like, when I look back now it'slike, well, what was he
committed to?
Was he committed to me?
Or was he just the idea ofbeing with me that he was
committed to?
Because, like I said, he wouldsay that I'd love you, he would
say all the right things, but hewould never do all the right
things, and that's the part thatwas missing.
No-transcript, and that's whatreally shows what love is, you

(05:54):
know.
So there we were, having yetanother argument of you know the
story that had been unfolding,which was me working hard to get
him to act like he loved me,only to be disappointed and
angry and hurt when it didn'twork.

(06:16):
Like it almost felt like theharder I tried to make him act
like he loved me, the more hemoved away.
This is where that whole runnerchaser dynamic starts to kick
in, right.
Um, so that was another, youknow, big learning experience
for me.
But you know I wouldn't, Iwouldn't clue into that until
much later in the game,unfortunately, um, but what did

(06:38):
become obvious, painfullyobvious in this moment was.
I can still remember we were inour living room and we were
having this argument and I canremember and I don't know why, I
was sitting on the floor, butat the time I was sitting on the
floor.
I remember I was sitting on thefloor in front of the sofa and
he was on the sofa and of coursethere's a train going by right

(07:02):
now Sorry, guys, it is what itis.
So I was sitting on the floorand he was sitting on the sofa
and I can't remember what wewere arguing about or why I was
crying, but I was cryinghysterically.
I remember I was cryinghysterically and I can remember
the words so crisp and vividlyin my memory.
This is the only fragment ofthat moment that I can remember

(07:24):
and I can remember looking athim and saying like I just want
you to love me, like why can'tyou love me?
And I remember him glaring atme with such disdain for me,
saying that, and I don't knowwhere that disdain came from.

(07:46):
But I remember being taken backlike energetically, like I
remember my body just kind ofshifting back and looking at him
and it was like there wassomething in my body, that
moment that knew this isn'tright, like this is not right,
this is not what love looks like.
You know, it was a long timeafter that before I ever ended

(08:13):
up leaving this person andmoving on, and even way longer
after that that I actuallystarted my healing journey.
So to say that, you know, thiswas the pivotal moment that kind
of started it all.
Like yeah, no, like I thinkthis was the first moment that I
was able to look at myexperience and say that I was
able to look at my experienceand say this isn't right,

(08:35):
something is not right here.
I don't know what it is, butthis is not what love looks like
, this isn't what love shouldlook like.
And maybe that was the real,like the realization was this
isn't what love should look like.
Because I think in my mindsomewhere I thought love did
look that way.

(09:00):
Because, you know, when I lookback, you know in retrospect, I
was always begging and trying toconvince emotionally
unavailable dudes to love me.
Like that was like the story ofmy life and I think it started,
you know, it started at a veryyoung age with my dad who God
bless him, like I mean, loves meto bits, but you know he's had
his own trauma, he's carryinghis own wounding, he's not good
with, you know, navigatingemotional experience at all,

(09:22):
like he's actually like reallychallenged in that department
and still is actually more sonow in his old age.
And I feel, like you know, hewas in many ways very
emotionally unavailable, notbecause he didn't love me, but
because he wasn't emotionallyavailable for me, right, and so

(09:43):
I think I was always kind ofplaying this role of trying to
convince and chase and beg foremotionally unavailable men to
open up to me, to be vulnerablewith me, to be in deeper
connection with me, like I thinkthis is something, this was a
story and a pattern that youknow began way back, way back in
the day, right, and I had kindof, you know, even through my,

(10:07):
you know, even through like highschool and like even my
twenties.
I can remember early, early 20s.
I remember, like you know,always just crushing on the most
emotionally unavailable, likeuninterested in me people I
could find, and like gettinginto these marathon crushes of
like two years, three years ofcrushing over some guy that

(10:29):
wouldn't give me the time of day, and I feel like I basically
kind of primed myself to be thisbeggar of love, like I hate to
say it, but it's true, it soundsso cringy, but I mean it was
just like it was.
Just it had become my MO.
You know, and I think you know,when I look back on that moment,

(10:51):
that was the first moment in mylife where I said this isn't
right.
Love isn't supposed to looklike this, I'm not supposed to
have to beg for it.
And I think in that momentthere was a part of my being, a
part of my essence, because oursoul knows and 1111 on the clock

(11:13):
, as I said that our soul knowswhat's available to us.
And I think in that moment mysoul kind of went yo, this is
not what love looks like.
This is the illusion thatyou've created of what you think
love looks like, based on yourown experience and what you've

(11:37):
been taught to believe aboutyour worthiness of love and how
much you actually deserve.
This is a byproduct of that.
This is not where your storyends, this is just the fucking
beginning.
And so I think that was thatmoment where I was, and I
remember, like the days andweeks that followed, I was so
quiet because I couldn my mostvulnerable, my most emotionally

(11:58):
raw and instead of being metwith love, I was met with

(12:26):
animosity and so, you know, Itook it away and I think from
that moment I slowly started tobreak away and it would take
time to unfold.
Like I said, it would take timefor me to leave that

(12:47):
relationship and it would taketime for me to begin my healing
journey and it would take timefor me to recognize that I was
repeating that pattern again andagain and again and to actually
say, okay, hold on a second,why do I keep repeating this?
The whole thing would take somuch time to unfold.
But I think the key takeaway intoday's conversation is, you

(13:08):
know, we have to look at, wehave to take a look at our
lowest moments.
We have to take a look at ourlowest moments and ask ourselves
what was that moment trying toteach me and what was that
moment trying to show me?
And even if it is kind ofcringy or uncomfortable or
awkward to go there like therewas something there otherwise it

(13:32):
wouldn't have happened Likethese are very important moments
in our spiritual evolution andin our healing and I know that
the importance in that momentwas for me to see how number one
, the thought patterns and thebeliefs that kind of led me to
this point right, this low pointthat I was at, and also to look

(13:56):
at, you know, where mydefinition of love was distorted
, you know, and what a lovingrelationship was look like was
distorted.
Because, truly, you know, when Ilook back on that relationship,
like at the time, you know, Ithought it was so loving, I
thought it was, you know, it wasthe person that I felt at one

(14:20):
point the safest with um, that Iwould trust with my life, Like
I would put my life in his handsand I never would give in it of
second thought, only to havethe whole thing pull this 180
degree, turn on me where it'slike, how could you, how could
you hurt me so deeply when I hadput all my faith in you, um,

(14:45):
and that was a big, that was abig turning point for me.
And I think also, like I said,you know, just recognizing that
you know, regardless of whatwe've told ourselves about a
person, regardless of what we,you know they might say, you

(15:06):
know they may say all the rightthings, they may say what,
exactly what it is that we wantto hear, but ultimately, you
know, they show you who they areagain and again, and I think
what I'm trying to say here isthat, you know, I had to look at
where was my view of himdistorted, because I was putting

(15:28):
I.
It was just too easy for me todismiss what I was seeing so
that I could accept what I washearing him say as truth.
It was so nice for him to say Ilove you and to say it again
and again and again, and Ireally genuinely wanted to
believe that, but unfortunatelyhis actions were not showing
that at all.
Um, and so I needed to acceptthat.

(15:49):
You know, number one, where wasmy vision of love distorted?
How did I get to this pointwhere I would think it was okay
to be on the floor begging someguy to love me, who was clearly
showing me again and again andagain with his actions that he
didn't Like?
Where in my mind did thatbecome okay?
Right, because, like I said, Istill cringe to this day when I

(16:11):
think that I like.
How could I have gotten to thatpoint where I was literally
crying on the floor on my kneesin front of this guy, asking him
but I just want you to love me.
And what made it feel okay todo that.
What made my vision of love andwhat love looked like so

(16:32):
distorted that I could have notseen how unloving he was being
towards me for so long.
Nevermind the cheating, but thelying, the gaslighting, the you
know, the manipulation likethere was so much you know and
making me feel like it was allme and in my head.
You know at what, at what?
Where did that become thepicture of love, and and why?

(16:55):
And was it love or was it justsomething that was helping me to
avoid looking at something thatwas already wounded within me,
which ultimately was the truth,right?
Um, but I think we need to dothat.
I think we need to look at ourrelationships, especially if
you've always been in toxicrelationships, like if all
you've known is toxic.

(17:16):
You really have to look at yourrelationships, okay, and say,
okay, is this normal, is thisactually healthy?
Is this good for me?
Is this really what love issupposed to look like, or is
this just familiar?
And is this what life love issupposed to look like?
Or is this just familiar?
And is this what life taught methat love looks like?
And can you be open to adifferent definition or
experience?

(17:37):
And that takes a lot ofunlearning and so much of who we
are and our self-worth is tiedup into that experience that it
becomes very difficult tounravel.
But I promise you unraveling itis worth it.
So I guess the invitation foryou today is, if you're somebody

(17:58):
who's been in a pattern oftoxic relationships your entire
life, like, look beyond yourdating relationships, look
beyond your romanticrelationships, go back to, like,
childhood friendships, familyrelationships, extended family.
You know, where were thetoxicities, where were the
imbalances, where were youchasing people for love and

(18:18):
attention and affection, and howhave those patterns now shown
up in your relationships today?
You know, and is that thedefinition of love that you want
?
Because if you don't, you canchoose a different definition.
It is so easy to choose adifferent definition.
You just have to undo all thestuff that made you believe that

(18:42):
that's how love got to look foryou.
And that's usually the harderwork, because that's usually
where we have to face the partsof ourselves, the shadow parts
that we don't always want tolook at.
But it was truly, truly, truly,a very pivotal moment for me and
I think that was the beginningof the end of that relationship.

(19:06):
It was a very slow undoing andI, you know, I took, I took my
time and it was just be and Ididn't even know I was doing it.
It was basically putting onefoot in the front of the other
until it was done.
And when it was done, you know,I'll be honest, it was pretty
easy, because I think I had beenletting go that whole time

(19:27):
since that moment, because Irealized in that moment he's
never going to love me the waythat I want him to.
And you know, whether he did orhe didn't love me, you know, I
have my theory.
I can't speak for him.
I don't think he did.
I think he loved the idea ofbeing with me.
I don't think he actuallygenuinely loved me, or maybe
that was just his way of loving.

(19:47):
But that's certainly not what Iwanted in a loving relationship
, certainly didn't want cheating.
I don't believe that you canlove someone and cheat on them.
I actually don't.
Well, I mean, if it was aone-off thing, like people make
mistakes.
I think people aren't perfect.
If you're out there and you'relistening and you're wondering,
you know, does he, doesn't he?

(20:08):
I think people make mistakes.
I think people are flawed.
I think, you know, the humanexperience is very complex.
It's never black and white.
I think, you know, we all tendto fuck up and I think there's
room for fuck up in relationship.
I really do.
I think it's in how we deal withit, and I've talked about this
in other episodes.
I think it's how we in, how wedeal with it that makes a

(20:31):
difference as to whether or not,hey, are we acting out of love
or are we acting out of ego, anddoes this relationship stand a
chance or doesn't it?
I think if people takeaccountability for their actions
and I think if people put inthe work to heal and mend the
relationship, then I thinkanything is possible.
But if it's a pattern like itwas, then there's no point.

(20:53):
There really is no point, Imean, unless that's something
that you want.
If that's something that youwant, then by all means like, go
for it.
You know, if you, you know manypeople, many people are
experiencing, you know, newforms of relationships where
they're, you know, there'sopenness and people can.
You know there's openness andpeople can, you know, be with
other people and it's not anissue and they've learned to

(21:15):
love that way and I think Ithink that's okay and I think
that it's each up to you know,it's always up to the individual
who and how you love and whatfeels right for you.
But when that doesn't feelright for you, if that's not
what love looks like for you,sure maybe we need to be open to
defining our relationshipsdifferently and defining love

(21:35):
differently.
But I think that both peopleneed to come to the table in
agreement for what that lookslike.
We at least have to be on thesame page as we evolve.
Who knows, maybe one day I willbe ready for an open
relationship.
I don't know, but I want to beready for that before I'm forced
into it.
I don't want to be in an openrelationship unknowingly and
then told that I'm not in anopen relationship when I, you

(21:56):
know, get wind that I'm in anopen relationship.
You know what I mean.
Like that's just not right.
Both people have to be willingparticipants in that experience.
So I clearly was not.
I clearly was not.
So you know all that to say lookat your relationships and look
at you know it's okay thosemoments where you know you want

(22:18):
to cringe at yourself at how lowyou actually got.
You know those low points,those emotional rock bottoms
that we go through and pointsthat we would never want anybody
to ever find out about, becausethey're points that we would
never want anybody to ever findout about because they're cringy
and embarrassing to even thinkabout.
But those moments are alwaysteaching us something and, you
know, I always say those are thereally, really, really key

(22:39):
markers in seeing where are yourbeliefs about yourself and your
worthiness of love, where arethey pointing to and what is it
they're trying to show you andteach you and what is it that
you need to evolve through as anexperience?
Right, this was a massive andprofound experience for me and
it shifted me in so many waysand it was subtle in the moment,

(23:02):
but the ripple effect of thatmoment was so profound, like
when I think about how much hashappened since and it all
centered from that.
You know that was that, thatwas that big, that tiny little
pebble in the water that createdthe ripple effect and, my God,
the change that came from that.
You know, over time, gradually,it was like it was amazing.

(23:27):
Would I go through that again?
Yeah, abso-fucking-lutely.
To know that I got toexperience all that.
I got to experience, I'velearned all that.
I've learned along the way,I've healed all that I have.
That's not to say that I'm doneI'm still healing, but to know
that how much of my life and myessence has transformed because
of that moment, fuck yeah, Iwould do it again,

(23:51):
abso-fucking-lutely.
Okay, that is it, you guys.
Stuff's getting loud out there,so I'll see if I can do at
least one more episode.
But let me know if thisresonated for you in the
comments, wherever you're seeingthis, and, of course, if you
love this episode, please leavea positive rating or review on
iTunes or Spotify or wherever itis that you're seeing this.

(24:13):
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
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