I spent years smiling through heartbreak, betrayal, and depression—convincing everyone (and eventually myself) that I was fine. Behind the façade of the “perfect couple” was a reality I refused to face: infidelity, emotional abandonment, and a deep well of unprocessed pain that I kept buried under toxic positivity and denial.
I didn’t know it then, but this was the most devastating form of self-abandonment. And it came at a cost I could never have imagined.
The rage, grief, and heartbreak I refused to feel didn’t just disappear—they festered. They showed up as digestive issues, chronic pain, insomnia, mood swings, skin rashes, and explosive emotional outbursts over the smallest triggers. Worse, they trapped me in an energetic loop that kept attracting the same toxic dynamics I was desperate to escape.
Here’s the truth no one tells you.
You can repeat affirmations until your voice is hoarse, plaster vision boards across your walls, and meditate for hours—but if you are suppressing the emotions living in your body, those emotions are still creating your reality.
In this raw and unfiltered episode of The Femme Cast, I’m pulling back the curtain on:
🎤 Why pretending to be “okay” is the ultimate betrayal of self
🎤 How suppressed emotions hijack your manifestation and your relationships
🎤 The sneaky ways emotional denial shows up as physical illness and chronic pain
🎤 Why the Universe will always send you “emotional homework” before delivering your desires
🎤 How to process emotions in a way that’s safe, sacred, and shockingly fast
If you’ve ever wondered why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners, why the same painful patterns keep replaying in your life, or why your manifestations keep stalling—this episode holds the key.
Because your emotions aren’t inconvenient roadblocks. They are intelligent messengers, designed to guide you into the highest version of yourself.
If you’re willing to feel them.
Are you healing from cheating? Betrayal? A heartbreak that not only broke your heart but broke your life?
If so, join me for She Rises: A FREE & LIVE 90-minute healing and activation experience for the woman ready to alchemize the pain of lies, betrayal, and being cheated on into unapologetic power, radiant confidence, and the woman she was always meant to be.
Betrayal doesn’t get the final word — you do.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
Welcome if you're new.
We're going to have a seriousheart to heart today, and this
is a story that is near and dearto my heart because it's
something I did for a very longtime and it probably caused me
(00:21):
the most excruciating pain of mylife.
On the plus side, you know,that's how I basically stumbled
across emotionally.
Energetics was a result of this.
So had I not gone through thisexperience, it probably wouldn't
have made me the healer andcoach that I am today.
So for that I guess suppose I'mgrateful.
I am grateful, actually, butwhat we're talking about really
(00:45):
is the emotional cost ofpretending that you're okay when
you're not.
I did this for years and it is.
I can tell you without beyondany doubt that it is the worst
form of self-abandonment you canpossibly ever do to yourself.
And the reason is, you know, wego through an experience.
We're going through a timewhere we're in a great deal of
(01:08):
emotional discomfort when we arenot okay.
Whether that is sadness, hurt,pain, grief, anger, frustration,
resentment, whatever thefeeling is that we're not okay.
Maybe you know for me I wasmoving through some really
intense depression.
I was moving through heartbreak.
(01:33):
It was I was with my partnerfor years, who you know.
I was coming to terms with thefact that there was, you know,
infidelity in our relationshipand I was pretending that it
wasn't happening.
So we talked a lot about thisin the betrayal series, right,
um, you know where I waspretending it wasn't happening.
(01:53):
I was feeling all the hurt, allthe pain, all the rage, all the
anger that I was feeling andthat I was pretending to be okay
.
In the process I was pretendingI was fine, I'm good, there's
nothing wrong, nothing'sbothering me, I'm fine, I'm
perfectly happy, my relationshipis as peachy as can be.
Yeah, you know, when I lookback, I realize now what a big
(02:23):
shock it was to everybody.
You know, when we broke up,because you know we'd been
together for a while, obviously,and everybody had kind of
gotten to know us and you knowwe were always like everyone's
favorite couple.
You know, we were always like.
Everybody always thought wealways had it together and
everything was perfect and wewere like this perfect couple.
And you know, and no one reallyknew what was going on behind
(02:47):
the scenes.
And that was really mostly myfault, because I was pretending
that nothing was going on behindthe scenes.
I was pretending thateverything was perfect, you know
, and that's all anybody saw,and obviously he wasn't going to
be the one to out what wasgoing on in our situationship.
So you know he was fine with it.
That's what he wanted all along.
So why rock the boat right?
(03:10):
Why let anybody know any andotherwise?
So you know, I did a reallygood job.
I did a really good job ofhiding the pain that I was in.
I did a really good job ofhiding what was going on behind
closed doors.
I did a really good job ofpresenting this image of this
picture perfect couple when wewere anything but you know, and
(03:34):
you know, just holding andsuppressing so much pain and
anger and hurt and heartbreakbeneath the surface that it was
festering.
You know I didn't know what washappening at the time For me, I
was just coping with thesituation as best as I could,
(03:56):
the only way I knew how.
You know, for me, you know therewas.
You know I always did havetrauma around being able to
express myself and expressing myemotion.
You know it wasn't always.
You know it wasn't always agood thing.
You know, I was kind of broughtup to believe that.
You know, sharing anger bad,sharing sadness bad.
(04:17):
You know feeling rage bad,right.
And it wasn't because I had,please, like, take this with,
take this for what it's worth.
It's not because I had badparents, it's because they were
traumatized in their own way andthey were just doing the best
that they could and they wereholding on to their own
repressed emotions, and so theykind of passed that belief down
to me, right, and to my sistertoo, right.
(04:38):
And so so, coming into thisexperience, I did the only thing
I knew how to do to keep myselffeeling safe, which was okay.
Well, I'm going to sweep allthis anger, all this rage, all
this resentment, all this pain.
I'm just going to sweep itunder the rug and pretend like
it's not there.
It's not there, it's nothappening, everything's fine,
(05:00):
everything's fine, we're fine,everything's fine.
Look see, I'm big, I'm smiling,everything's great.
It wasn't fine.
Oh, like there was so muchsuppressed and so much being
bottled up beneath the surface,and I think at one point, I
started to believe my own denial, like at first.
I knew I was in denial, I knewI was faking it, but I think I
(05:21):
reached a point where I had,like, repeatedly told myself
that I was fine.
I completely, like, Irepeatedly told other people
that I was fine for so long thatI actually started to mentally
believe that I was fine.
And I think that's when andthis is I shared this in
previous episodes I think that'swhen the night terror started
happening.
I don't know if you would callthem night terrors, but I would
basically wake up in the middleof the night screaming with rage
(05:44):
, and it wasn't even likescreaming, like help me,
something's wrong.
Screaming it was like a roar,it was like unleashing all this
anger and hate that I was, youknow, just storing inside me for
so long.
And I think that's when thedreams started happening, was
when I actually started tobelieve my own denial.
Right, I actually put myself inthis denial where I started to
(06:05):
believe my own shit.
I actually started to believe Iwas gaslighting myself so well.
I actually started to believewhat I was telling myself, which
was I'm fine.
And so a lot of that emotion gotburied beneath the surface.
A lot of it got stuck in myemotional, spiritual, energetic,
even my physical body and itstarted to come out in so many
(06:28):
ways Like I was having, likedigestive issues I was having.
I was showing symptoms ofgluten intolerance.
I was having joint pains, skinrashes, digestive problems I
think I said that alreadyDepression, mood swings,
anxieties, insomnia, headaches,just chronic pain and
(06:56):
inflammation and discomfort,like all the time, and not to
mention the effect on my mentalstate, like I remember you know
I shared this in another episodeas well being so volatile that
I could go through my day kindof acting like everything's
great, everything's fine.
You know, poke me in a grocerystore and all hell would break
loose.
You know, because I was justlike I was so full of rage and
anger that it didn't take muchto, like you know, tip the
(07:18):
scales and get me to, like youknow, spew out everything that I
was holding inside, but in a,in a misaligned and, um, you
know, kind of like what's theword that I'm looking for?
Like projecting it oneverything else around me other
than actually dealing with whatwas really going on beneath the
surface.
So, um, it really delayed myhealing in such a powerful way,
(07:41):
and it breaks my heart because Istill see people do this to
this day, where they'restruggling with something
emotionally and instead ofdealing with it and working
through it head on.
They've gotten stuck into thisthink positive mentality which,
yes, I do believe.
Thinking positive yieldspositive results, but not when
you're ignoring what's going onwith you emotionally.
(08:04):
And this is kind of you know.
This is where I want to shakeeverybody.
What you feel emotionally is somuch more powerful than anything
that you think, say or believe,because there is energy and
there's so much energy andemotion.
Right, energy, emotion isenergy in motion and it is
(08:29):
constantly creating on yourbehalf and you can do all the
mindset work, you can say allthe affirmations you want, but
if there's something that you'refeeling on an emotional level
that you're not allowingyourself to move through and
experience and process fully,that emotion is getting stuck.
Experience and process fully.
That emotion is getting stuckand it keeps you in this
energetic loop of attracting thesame thing over and over again.
(08:50):
That initially brought you painto begin with, that initially
put that emotion there in thefirst place.
And so that's where I think Iaccredit to like when I left
that relationship, you know,after being, you know, cheated
on and lied to manipulate it forso long, and I left that
relationship in search offinding the one and I ended up
in more toxic dynamics than Ieven knew what to do with.
Right, it was because I hadn'tprocessed all of that emotion on
(09:13):
the inside yet.
The funny thing about emotion isthat you know we think it's
going to take a long time tomove through, but it actually
doesn't, not when you let it,like, when you can surrender to
it and just allow it to be thereand have a good cry and feel it
and intensify it and allow itto just become its own thing,
(09:34):
like, do its thing right, serveits purpose, which is usually to
give you a message on.
You know how it's asking you toevolve.
Once you can let it kind of dothat, it moves through pretty
quick and then you can move onto joy or whatever else you want
to feel, you know.
But the problem is we keeptrapping these inside of us and
(09:55):
we don't realize how much thatis mucking up our energetic
signature, not to mention, notto mention the wound that we're
creating in ourselves internallyby saying I don't care about
your pain.
Your pain, your anger, yourdiscomfort means nothing to me.
I'm going to ignore it andpretend that it's not there,
like would you ever say that toa child who was crying.
(10:17):
You know, would you ever tell acrying child I don't care that
you're crying, I don't care thatyou're sad, I don't care that
you're frustrated, I just wantto go and have a good time, and
I don't understand why you can'tlet me do that right now.
We would never say that to achild and yet we're saying to
that to ourselves constantly,when we ignore our emotional
state and try to present aversion of ourselves that is
(10:40):
seemingly fine when we are notfine.
That's not to say that we needto, like you know, verbal spew
our dirty laundry onto anybodywho will listen, but it does
mean that we get to make thespace to acknowledge our own
pain, our own sadness, our ownemotional experience and
whatever it is that we're tryingto move through Now.
(11:03):
You know, as I said, you know alot of this was created in that
relationship.
But even the relationshipsafter, like even the toxic
relationship dynamics that Iattracted after that
relationship ended, I was stilltrying to look fine.
When I wasn't, I was stilltrying to look unbothered, I was
still trying to look cool, notasking for too much, not letting
on how much I actually likedthem, trying to pretend I really
(11:25):
don't care that much, eventhough I really did.
Trying to pretend that I wasokay with situationships when
really what I wanted was a realsolid relationship.
Trying to pretend that I wasthis what's it called a healthy
attachment style, versus theanxious, hot mess attachment
style that I actually was on theinside but I was pretending and
(11:48):
faking my way to feeling andlooking confident and unbothered
and this whole like black catenergy bullshit that I hear
people talk about all the time.
All of this is really relevantstuff, but because the reality
is, if you want to attract ahealthy relationship, you have
to be able to embody a healthyattachment style or a secure
(12:12):
attachment style.
But that's not something thatyou can fake, that is something
that you cultivate, and youcultivate a healthy attachment
style by first looking at youknow, why is it that I have this
anxious or avoidant, or evenanxious avoidant attachment
style, like what's going onbeneath the surface?
What is the pain that I'm notacknowledging, that is making me
(12:43):
behave and feel this anxious oravoidant type of behavior or
response in a relationship,right?
So you know, trying to deny ourpain, trying to deny what it is
that we're feeling, trying tocreate this inauthentic version
of ourselves.
You know it's so hurtful, likeI said, to our own soul, because
it's the worst form ofself-rejection.
(13:04):
We're basically saying I don'tcare what your emotional
experience or what youremotional needs are, I give two
flying fucks, I just want to goout here and have a good time
and pretend that I'm the coolchick and look like I'm
unbothered and uncomplicated andyou know, not, not, you know,
really just be easy to be aroundand be easy to love and easy to
like, so that I can, you know,find somebody who will actually,
(13:26):
like you know, want to be withme.
Right, and you know, obviouslywe're talking specifically about
relationship now.
But this can happen in so manylike we can.
We can hide our emotionalexperience and pretend to be
fine in so many ways.
And I know sometimes we have to, like you know, we go to work,
we kind of have to act likewe're okay when we're not.
You know nobody's going to cometo the Monday morning kickoff
(13:49):
call for the week and like bawlall over their teammates that
you know, their relationshipfell apart on the weekend.
You know, relationship fellapart on the weekend, you know.
But you do get to prioritizecarving out that time, making
that time for yourself to feelwhatever is coming up for you
(14:10):
emotionally and allow space forthat to evolve, to move through
you and to help you evolvethrough the process.
You know, pain, discomfort, anykind of emotion, is always
helping us in our evolution.
And so when we make space forit and we make time for it and
we allow it to be there and justsurrender to it and not try and
force anything and just let itdo its thing, we move through it
(14:31):
much more quickly and then wecan get on to feeling the things
that we actually do want tofeel and that actually feel good
, to feel right, and we canintegrate the lessons that those
experiences and those emotionswere trying to teach us.
But when we avoid to do thosethings, it is so hurtful to us
at a soul level we end upgetting that emotional pain
(14:52):
stuck in our body, in ouremotional body, in our spiritual
body, in our physical body, inour mental body.
It completely distorts yourenergetic signature.
And now what you're manifesting?
You're not manifesting anythingthat you want.
You're manifesting everythingthat you don't want, no matter
how hard you try, no matter howmany affirmations you repeat, no
matter how many times you writein your fucking journal vision
(15:14):
boards you create, you keepattracting more of what you
don't want, and that's becauseyou're literally ignoring your
path to healing.
Whenever we manifest and thisis a hard lesson I've had to
learn whenever we manifest orset our intention to something,
the universe is like okay, great, I can make that happen for you
, but first I would like you tomove through all of these
reasons and beliefs and traumasthat are keeping you from really
(15:37):
aligning with what it is thatyou want energetically.
So that's when the work reallybegins.
But we avoid the work and wejust keep saying affirmations
and we wonder why the thingisn't coming into fruition.
It's because all of thechallenges that are being
presented to us, all of thetriggers that we're avoiding,
all of the heartbreak that we'renot moving through and
(15:57):
processing, all of the patternsthat we're refusing to look at,
those are the keys to getting usto where we want to be.
The universe is saying here'syour homework If you want that
relationship, if you want thatjob, if you want that income, if
you want that home, if you wantthat lifestyle, if you want
that whatever, whatever it is,this is your homework to get
(16:18):
there.
And yet we keep trying tobypass it and ignore it and
avoid it by more affirmations,more meditations, more vision
boards.
That is only just the tip ofthe iceberg.
There is a whole massive chunkof ice below all of that.
That needs to be addressedfirst before we can get to that.
(16:43):
And so, you know, when you knowwe delay our healing, we delay
bringing in what it is that wetruly want, what we truly desire
, what would truly bring us joy,we get stuck in this energy
sorry, I hit my mic we get stuckin this crazy energetic limbo
that you can be stuck in forquite a long time.
(17:04):
It's like a spiritual tug ofwar is happening, where there's
this emotional side of youthat's saying, hey, look at me,
look at me, look at me, I needyou to tend to me.
And then there's others like no, I don't want to look at you, I
don't want to look at you, Ijust want to manifest good shit.
You know they're likeconstantly fighting.
And so you end up being stuckin the middle between these two
competing energies.
(17:26):
And this is why, oftentimes,life just does not move.
You know, life just does notmove when we end up stuck and at
the stalemate where we can'tmove forward, we can't go back,
we're just in limbo, and the keyto breaking out of this pattern
is to look at the pain thatwe've been avoiding and to
actually sit with the maybe I'mnot okay, maybe there's
(17:52):
something that I need to look athere and I, you know, I do
believe that we need to changethe conversation, like I
remember, you know, I do believethat we need to change the
conversation Like I remember,you know, there's always this
expectation of you know, whensomebody asks you, hey, how you
doing Right, you always have tobe polite and say I'm good, how
are you?
And I, I'm guilty, I'm guiltyof this, I'm guilty of this all
(18:17):
the fucking time.
But how great would it be to beable to say, you know what, I'm
not having my best day today,and here's why.
But also not emotionally burdeneverybody around us, you know,
just to be able to be honest, toshare about what we're going
through and what we'reexperiencing and what we're
moving through without, you know, emotionally burdening the
other person, but also nothiding what it is we're truly
(18:38):
feeling or moving through, andjust letting our human side
shine and be seen like.
How amazing would that be Likeif we could actually do that as
a culture and not see that as abad thing or a toxic thing or a
negative thing, or, you know,just to acknowledge what might
be going on for us on the insideright and not making it mean
anything about us or meananything about what it is that
(19:01):
we're capable of, just beingable to like, hey, you know I'm
not having one of my best days.
Here's why.
Or you know what?
I am feeling a little down ordepressed today, or I am moving
something that's reallydifficult right now.
So, taking the time and spaceto do that, I know I've tried to
do that more consciously withmy relationships, um, in the
last few years.
You know really being mindfulabout when they ask me how you
(19:22):
doing, and, and you, and, andyou know I say you know what, um
, not the best of days, kind ofyou know moving through this,
that and what the other, but, um, you know moving through it.
Okay, you know, um, it'steaching me something, or giving
, giving, giving a, a positiveperspective on it, because I do
believe.
I do believe whenever we movethrough difficult emotions,
(19:43):
there is a positive takeawayfrom it, even though it doesn't
feel like it in the moment,there's always a positive
takeaway, and so trying to seeit from that perspective can
sometimes be very helpful too,but not to give you an excuse to
go and rush out of it.
Like, experience the feeling,experience what it is that's
(20:04):
coming up.
Like, experience the feeling,experience what it is that's
coming up.
So, going back to the examplethat I was sharing before I went
on that tangent right.
So I was.
You know, I didn't want to dealwith the pain, I just wanted to
have a good time.
I just wanted to find that nextperson.
I was trying to look reallycool and unbothered you know
this whole like blackhead,energy, right, showing up and
(20:31):
being very uncomplicated and aseasy to be with as possible,
just because I wanted to find myperson.
Right, I wanted to find theperson who would want to be
there for me and who would wantto be with the hot mess that was
going on, like just like theflailing ball of anxiety that I
was really hiding on the inside,Like who would want to be with
that.
So I you know it almost steppedinto character, right, I'm cool
, I'm calm, I'm, you know, coolas a cucumber.
(20:54):
Very uncomplicated, don't worry,I'm good with friends, with
benefits.
I'm good with situationships,but deep down inside, knowing
that there was a part of methat's like maybe this is going
to be the day that you know, heactually just says that he just
wants to be with me and we canjust like let this whole
situationship thing like go away.
Right?
Um, total lie, never happened,by the way.
Never, never, never happened.
(21:15):
Make sure that when you're in arelationship, you're both in it
for the same thing, otherwiseit's not going to work.
Um, so you know, obviously, youknow, I kept you know.
Um, you know I kept holding onto all this emotional discomfort
.
I would never.
Um, you know, I kept attractingthese toxic relationships and I
(21:36):
realized that all of therelationships that I was
attracting were emotionallyavailable because they were
mirroring back to me howemotionally available I was for
myself.
Available because they weremirroring back to me how
emotionally available I was formyself.
So if you're in a cycle ofholding on to a lot of negative
emotion that you know won't goaway, it just kind of sits there
(21:59):
and festers beneath the surfaceconstantly, where you feel like
the minute somebody bumps intoyou in a grocery store, that is
a cry of war, right, or you knowyou're constantly having to
bite your tongue in relationshipand show up as an inauthentic
version of yourself, pretendingto be cool when you're not, to
pretend to be okay withsituations when you really not
pretending that you know theirbread crumbs don't really bother
you all that much becauseyou're cool and uncomplicated
(22:20):
and you're easy to be with whenit's all fucking bullshit.
And then wondering why you keepattracting all these
emotionally unavailable partners.
Stop, stop and ask yourselfwhat am I feeling right now that
I'm avoiding, and what would itlook like to give that emotion
some space to be and to breathe,be and to breathe?
(22:54):
And what advice or healing ortransformation might that
emotion be trying to be thecatalyst for in my life?
And how can I apply what it'strying to teach me or show me?
Because that really is themagic, and when you can move
through, layer by layer, all theemotions that you've been
holding onto and heal all thoseparts of you that feel like
you've completely rejected andabandoned them because you
(23:16):
didn't want to deal with whatwas going on on the inside,
that's when life starts to flowin your direction and that's
when things start to move.
And this is a process and itdoes happen one layer at a time.
And, of course, of course, ofcourse, of course, I'm always
here to support you.
Please go ahead and book anintensive.
The link for all that is downbelow, but you know, but this is
, this is the process is movingthrough all these little
(23:40):
abandoned parts of you that arejust screaming and vying for
your attention, allowing them tobe seen and heard and felt and
acknowledged and validated andto really offer a new
perspective on who you're meantto be in the world and how
(24:01):
you're being called to evolve,because that's ultimately, like
I said, what our emotions aretrying to do.
So, instead of resisting youremotions, surrender to them.
Instead of pretending thatyou're okay all the time, just
be honest that you're not okay.
You know, at least withyourself, at least if you can be
honest with yourself first andsomebody, maybe somebody that
you feel close to you know ifyou can at least do that, just
(24:24):
do that part.
You know you're on your way,because now you've stopped
shaming yourself, you stoprejecting yourself and you're
ready to listen to yourself, andthat is often the hardest part.
So take that for what it'sworth.
Let me know if this resonateswherever you're seeing this in
(24:45):
the comments below or reply tome in an email, whatever floats
your boat.
You can also just DM me atTheFemCast on Instagram.
I always love to get DMs fromyou guys, so let me know how
this resonated.
And, of course, please, please,please.
If you love this episode,please leave a positive rating
or review on Spotify or iTunesor wherever you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys.
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
Welcome if you're new.
We're going to have a seriousheart to heart today, and this
is a story that is near and dearto my heart because it's
something I did for a very longtime and it probably caused me
(00:21):
the most excruciating pain of mylife.
On the plus side, you know,that's how I basically stumbled
across emotionally.
Energetics was a result of this.
So had I not gone through thisexperience, it probably wouldn't
have made me the healer andcoach that I am today.
So for that I guess suppose I'mgrateful.
I am grateful, actually, butwhat we're talking about really
(00:45):
is the emotional cost ofpretending that you're okay when
you're not.
I did this for years and it is.
I can tell you without beyondany doubt that it is the worst
form of self-abandonment you canpossibly ever do to yourself.
And the reason is, you know, wego through an experience.
We're going through a timewhere we're in a great deal of
(01:08):
emotional discomfort when we arenot okay.
Whether that is sadness, hurt,pain, grief, anger, frustration,
resentment, whatever thefeeling is that we're not okay.
Maybe you know for me I wasmoving through some really
intense depression.
I was moving through heartbreak.
(01:33):
It was I was with my partnerfor years, who you know.
I was coming to terms with thefact that there was, you know,
infidelity in our relationshipand I was pretending that it
wasn't happening.
So we talked a lot about thisin the betrayal series, right,
um, you know where I waspretending it wasn't happening.
(01:53):
I was feeling all the hurt, allthe pain, all the rage, all the
anger that I was feeling andthat I was pretending to be okay
.
In the process I was pretendingI was fine, I'm good, there's
nothing wrong, nothing'sbothering me, I'm fine, I'm
perfectly happy, my relationshipis as peachy as can be.
Yeah, you know, when I lookback, I realize now what a big
(02:23):
shock it was to everybody.
You know, when we broke up,because you know we'd been
together for a while, obviously,and everybody had kind of
gotten to know us and you knowwe were always like everyone's
favorite couple.
You know, we were always like.
Everybody always thought wealways had it together and
everything was perfect and wewere like this perfect couple.
And you know, and no one reallyknew what was going on behind
(02:47):
the scenes.
And that was really mostly myfault, because I was pretending
that nothing was going on behindthe scenes.
I was pretending thateverything was perfect, you know
, and that's all anybody saw,and obviously he wasn't going to
be the one to out what wasgoing on in our situationship.
So you know he was fine with it.
That's what he wanted all along.
So why rock the boat right?
(03:10):
Why let anybody know any andotherwise?
So you know, I did a reallygood job.
I did a really good job ofhiding the pain that I was in.
I did a really good job ofhiding what was going on behind
closed doors.
I did a really good job ofpresenting this image of this
picture perfect couple when wewere anything but you know, and
(03:34):
you know, just holding andsuppressing so much pain and
anger and hurt and heartbreakbeneath the surface that it was
festering.
You know I didn't know what washappening at the time For me, I
was just coping with thesituation as best as I could,
(03:56):
the only way I knew how.
You know, for me, you know therewas.
You know I always did havetrauma around being able to
express myself and expressing myemotion.
You know it wasn't always.
You know it wasn't always agood thing.
You know, I was kind of broughtup to believe that.
You know, sharing anger bad,sharing sadness bad.
(04:17):
You know feeling rage bad,right.
And it wasn't because I had,please, like, take this with,
take this for what it's worth.
It's not because I had badparents, it's because they were
traumatized in their own way andthey were just doing the best
that they could and they wereholding on to their own
repressed emotions, and so theykind of passed that belief down
to me, right, and to my sistertoo, right.
(04:38):
And so so, coming into thisexperience, I did the only thing
I knew how to do to keep myselffeeling safe, which was okay.
Well, I'm going to sweep allthis anger, all this rage, all
this resentment, all this pain.
I'm just going to sweep itunder the rug and pretend like
it's not there.
It's not there, it's nothappening, everything's fine,
(05:00):
everything's fine, we're fine,everything's fine.
Look see, I'm big, I'm smiling,everything's great.
It wasn't fine.
Oh, like there was so muchsuppressed and so much being
bottled up beneath the surface,and I think at one point, I
started to believe my own denial, like at first.
I knew I was in denial, I knewI was faking it, but I think I
(05:21):
reached a point where I had,like, repeatedly told myself
that I was fine.
I completely, like, Irepeatedly told other people
that I was fine for so long thatI actually started to mentally
believe that I was fine.
And I think that's when andthis is I shared this in
previous episodes I think that'swhen the night terror started
happening.
I don't know if you would callthem night terrors, but I would
basically wake up in the middleof the night screaming with rage
(05:44):
, and it wasn't even likescreaming, like help me,
something's wrong.
Screaming it was like a roar,it was like unleashing all this
anger and hate that I was, youknow, just storing inside me for
so long.
And I think that's when thedreams started happening, was
when I actually started tobelieve my own denial.
Right, I actually put myself inthis denial where I started to
(06:05):
believe my own shit.
I actually started to believe Iwas gaslighting myself so well.
I actually started to believewhat I was telling myself, which
was I'm fine.
And so a lot of that emotion gotburied beneath the surface.
A lot of it got stuck in myemotional, spiritual, energetic,
even my physical body and itstarted to come out in so many
(06:28):
ways Like I was having, likedigestive issues I was having.
I was showing symptoms ofgluten intolerance.
I was having joint pains, skinrashes, digestive problems I
think I said that alreadyDepression, mood swings,
anxieties, insomnia, headaches,just chronic pain and
(06:56):
inflammation and discomfort,like all the time, and not to
mention the effect on my mentalstate, like I remember you know
I shared this in another episodeas well being so volatile that
I could go through my day kindof acting like everything's
great, everything's fine.
You know, poke me in a grocerystore and all hell would break
loose.
You know, because I was justlike I was so full of rage and
anger that it didn't take muchto, like you know, tip the
(07:18):
scales and get me to, like youknow, spew out everything that I
was holding inside, but in a,in a misaligned and, um, you
know, kind of like what's theword that I'm looking for?
Like projecting it oneverything else around me other
than actually dealing with whatwas really going on beneath the
surface.
So, um, it really delayed myhealing in such a powerful way,
(07:41):
and it breaks my heart because Istill see people do this to
this day, where they'restruggling with something
emotionally and instead ofdealing with it and working
through it head on.
They've gotten stuck into thisthink positive mentality which,
yes, I do believe.
Thinking positive yieldspositive results, but not when
you're ignoring what's going onwith you emotionally.
(08:04):
And this is kind of you know.
This is where I want to shakeeverybody.
What you feel emotionally is somuch more powerful than anything
that you think, say or believe,because there is energy and
there's so much energy andemotion.
Right, energy, emotion isenergy in motion and it is
(08:29):
constantly creating on yourbehalf and you can do all the
mindset work, you can say allthe affirmations you want, but
if there's something that you'refeeling on an emotional level
that you're not allowingyourself to move through and
experience and process fully,that emotion is getting stuck.
Experience and process fully.
That emotion is getting stuckand it keeps you in this
energetic loop of attracting thesame thing over and over again.
(08:50):
That initially brought you painto begin with, that initially
put that emotion there in thefirst place.
And so that's where I think Iaccredit to like when I left
that relationship, you know,after being, you know, cheated
on and lied to manipulate it forso long, and I left that
relationship in search offinding the one and I ended up
in more toxic dynamics than Ieven knew what to do with.
Right, it was because I hadn'tprocessed all of that emotion on
(09:13):
the inside yet.
The funny thing about emotion isthat you know we think it's
going to take a long time tomove through, but it actually
doesn't, not when you let it,like, when you can surrender to
it and just allow it to be thereand have a good cry and feel it
and intensify it and allow itto just become its own thing,
(09:34):
like, do its thing right, serveits purpose, which is usually to
give you a message on.
You know how it's asking you toevolve.
Once you can let it kind of dothat, it moves through pretty
quick and then you can move onto joy or whatever else you want
to feel, you know.
But the problem is we keeptrapping these inside of us and
(09:55):
we don't realize how much thatis mucking up our energetic
signature, not to mention, notto mention the wound that we're
creating in ourselves internallyby saying I don't care about
your pain.
Your pain, your anger, yourdiscomfort means nothing to me.
I'm going to ignore it andpretend that it's not there,
like would you ever say that toa child who was crying.
(10:17):
You know, would you ever tell acrying child I don't care that
you're crying, I don't care thatyou're sad, I don't care that
you're frustrated, I just wantto go and have a good time, and
I don't understand why you can'tlet me do that right now.
We would never say that to achild and yet we're saying to
that to ourselves constantly,when we ignore our emotional
state and try to present aversion of ourselves that is
(10:40):
seemingly fine when we are notfine.
That's not to say that we needto, like you know, verbal spew
our dirty laundry onto anybodywho will listen, but it does
mean that we get to make thespace to acknowledge our own
pain, our own sadness, our ownemotional experience and
whatever it is that we're tryingto move through Now.
(11:03):
You know, as I said, you know alot of this was created in that
relationship.
But even the relationshipsafter, like even the toxic
relationship dynamics that Iattracted after that
relationship ended, I was stilltrying to look fine.
When I wasn't, I was stilltrying to look unbothered, I was
still trying to look cool, notasking for too much, not letting
on how much I actually likedthem, trying to pretend I really
(11:25):
don't care that much, eventhough I really did.
Trying to pretend that I wasokay with situationships when
really what I wanted was a realsolid relationship.
Trying to pretend that I wasthis what's it called a healthy
attachment style, versus theanxious, hot mess attachment
style that I actually was on theinside but I was pretending and
(11:48):
faking my way to feeling andlooking confident and unbothered
and this whole like black catenergy bullshit that I hear
people talk about all the time.
All of this is really relevantstuff, but because the reality
is, if you want to attract ahealthy relationship, you have
to be able to embody a healthyattachment style or a secure
(12:12):
attachment style.
But that's not something thatyou can fake, that is something
that you cultivate, and youcultivate a healthy attachment
style by first looking at youknow, why is it that I have this
anxious or avoidant, or evenanxious avoidant attachment
style, like what's going onbeneath the surface?
What is the pain that I'm notacknowledging, that is making me
(12:43):
behave and feel this anxious oravoidant type of behavior or
response in a relationship,right?
So you know, trying to deny ourpain, trying to deny what it is
that we're feeling, trying tocreate this inauthentic version
of ourselves.
You know it's so hurtful, likeI said, to our own soul, because
it's the worst form ofself-rejection.
(13:04):
We're basically saying I don'tcare what your emotional
experience or what youremotional needs are, I give two
flying fucks, I just want to goout here and have a good time
and pretend that I'm the coolchick and look like I'm
unbothered and uncomplicated andyou know, not, not, you know,
really just be easy to be aroundand be easy to love and easy to
like, so that I can, you know,find somebody who will actually,
(13:26):
like you know, want to be withme.
Right, and you know, obviouslywe're talking specifically about
relationship now.
But this can happen in so manylike we can.
We can hide our emotionalexperience and pretend to be
fine in so many ways.
And I know sometimes we have to, like you know, we go to work,
we kind of have to act likewe're okay when we're not.
You know nobody's going to cometo the Monday morning kickoff
(13:49):
call for the week and like bawlall over their teammates that
you know, their relationshipfell apart on the weekend.
You know, relationship fellapart on the weekend, you know.
But you do get to prioritizecarving out that time, making
that time for yourself to feelwhatever is coming up for you
(14:10):
emotionally and allow space forthat to evolve, to move through
you and to help you evolvethrough the process.
You know, pain, discomfort, anykind of emotion, is always
helping us in our evolution.
And so when we make space forit and we make time for it and
we allow it to be there and justsurrender to it and not try and
force anything and just let itdo its thing, we move through it
(14:31):
much more quickly and then wecan get on to feeling the things
that we actually do want tofeel and that actually feel good
, to feel right, and we canintegrate the lessons that those
experiences and those emotionswere trying to teach us.
But when we avoid to do thosethings, it is so hurtful to us
at a soul level we end upgetting that emotional pain
(14:52):
stuck in our body, in ouremotional body, in our spiritual
body, in our physical body, inour mental body.
It completely distorts yourenergetic signature.
And now what you're manifesting?
You're not manifesting anythingthat you want.
You're manifesting everythingthat you don't want, no matter
how hard you try, no matter howmany affirmations you repeat, no
matter how many times you writein your fucking journal vision
(15:14):
boards you create, you keepattracting more of what you
don't want, and that's becauseyou're literally ignoring your
path to healing.
Whenever we manifest and thisis a hard lesson I've had to
learn whenever we manifest orset our intention to something,
the universe is like okay, great, I can make that happen for you
, but first I would like you tomove through all of these
reasons and beliefs and traumasthat are keeping you from really
(15:37):
aligning with what it is thatyou want energetically.
So that's when the work reallybegins.
But we avoid the work and wejust keep saying affirmations
and we wonder why the thingisn't coming into fruition.
It's because all of thechallenges that are being
presented to us, all of thetriggers that we're avoiding,
all of the heartbreak that we'renot moving through and
(15:57):
processing, all of the patternsthat we're refusing to look at,
those are the keys to getting usto where we want to be.
The universe is saying here'syour homework If you want that
relationship, if you want thatjob, if you want that income, if
you want that home, if you wantthat lifestyle, if you want
that whatever, whatever it is,this is your homework to get
(16:18):
there.
And yet we keep trying tobypass it and ignore it and
avoid it by more affirmations,more meditations, more vision
boards.
That is only just the tip ofthe iceberg.
There is a whole massive chunkof ice below all of that.
That needs to be addressedfirst before we can get to that.
(16:43):
And so, you know, when you knowwe delay our healing, we delay
bringing in what it is that wetruly want, what we truly desire
, what would truly bring us joy,we get stuck in this energy
sorry, I hit my mic we get stuckin this crazy energetic limbo
that you can be stuck in forquite a long time.
(17:04):
It's like a spiritual tug ofwar is happening, where there's
this emotional side of youthat's saying, hey, look at me,
look at me, look at me, I needyou to tend to me.
And then there's others like no, I don't want to look at you, I
don't want to look at you, Ijust want to manifest good shit.
You know they're likeconstantly fighting.
And so you end up being stuckin the middle between these two
competing energies.
(17:26):
And this is why, oftentimes,life just does not move.
You know, life just does notmove when we end up stuck and at
the stalemate where we can'tmove forward, we can't go back,
we're just in limbo, and the keyto breaking out of this pattern
is to look at the pain thatwe've been avoiding and to
actually sit with the maybe I'mnot okay, maybe there's
(17:52):
something that I need to look athere and I, you know, I do
believe that we need to changethe conversation, like I
remember, you know, I do believethat we need to change the
conversation Like I remember,you know, there's always this
expectation of you know, whensomebody asks you, hey, how you
doing Right, you always have tobe polite and say I'm good, how
are you?
And I, I'm guilty, I'm guiltyof this, I'm guilty of this all
(18:17):
the fucking time.
But how great would it be to beable to say, you know what, I'm
not having my best day today,and here's why.
But also not emotionally burdeneverybody around us, you know,
just to be able to be honest, toshare about what we're going
through and what we'reexperiencing and what we're
moving through without, you know, emotionally burdening the
other person, but also nothiding what it is we're truly
(18:38):
feeling or moving through, andjust letting our human side
shine and be seen like.
How amazing would that be Likeif we could actually do that as
a culture and not see that as abad thing or a toxic thing or a
negative thing, or, you know,just to acknowledge what might
be going on for us on the insideright and not making it mean
anything about us or meananything about what it is that
(19:01):
we're capable of, just beingable to like, hey, you know I'm
not having one of my best days.
Here's why.
Or you know what?
I am feeling a little down ordepressed today, or I am moving
something that's reallydifficult right now.
So, taking the time and spaceto do that, I know I've tried to
do that more consciously withmy relationships, um, in the
last few years.
You know really being mindfulabout when they ask me how you
(19:22):
doing, and, and you, and, andyou know I say you know what, um
, not the best of days, kind ofyou know moving through this,
that and what the other, but, um, you know moving through it.
Okay, you know, um, it'steaching me something, or giving
, giving, giving a, a positiveperspective on it, because I do
believe.
I do believe whenever we movethrough difficult emotions,
(19:43):
there is a positive takeawayfrom it, even though it doesn't
feel like it in the moment,there's always a positive
takeaway, and so trying to seeit from that perspective can
sometimes be very helpful too,but not to give you an excuse to
go and rush out of it.
Like, experience the feeling,experience what it is that's
(20:04):
coming up.
Like, experience the feeling,experience what it is that's
coming up.
So, going back to the examplethat I was sharing before I went
on that tangent right.
So I was.
You know, I didn't want to dealwith the pain, I just wanted to
have a good time.
I just wanted to find that nextperson.
I was trying to look reallycool and unbothered you know
this whole like blackhead,energy, right, showing up and
(20:31):
being very uncomplicated and aseasy to be with as possible,
just because I wanted to find myperson.
Right, I wanted to find theperson who would want to be
there for me and who would wantto be with the hot mess that was
going on, like just like theflailing ball of anxiety that I
was really hiding on the inside,Like who would want to be with
that.
So I you know it almost steppedinto character, right, I'm cool
, I'm calm, I'm, you know, coolas a cucumber.
(20:54):
Very uncomplicated, don't worry,I'm good with friends, with
benefits.
I'm good with situationships,but deep down inside, knowing
that there was a part of methat's like maybe this is going
to be the day that you know, heactually just says that he just
wants to be with me and we canjust like let this whole
situationship thing like go away.
Right?
Um, total lie, never happened,by the way.
Never, never, never happened.
(21:15):
Make sure that when you're in arelationship, you're both in it
for the same thing, otherwiseit's not going to work.
Um, so you know, obviously, youknow, I kept you know.
Um, you know I kept holding onto all this emotional discomfort
.
I would never.
Um, you know, I kept attractingthese toxic relationships and I
(21:36):
realized that all of therelationships that I was
attracting were emotionallyavailable because they were
mirroring back to me howemotionally available I was for
myself.
Available because they weremirroring back to me how
emotionally available I was formyself.
So if you're in a cycle ofholding on to a lot of negative
emotion that you know won't goaway, it just kind of sits there
(21:59):
and festers beneath the surfaceconstantly, where you feel like
the minute somebody bumps intoyou in a grocery store, that is
a cry of war, right, or you knowyou're constantly having to
bite your tongue in relationshipand show up as an inauthentic
version of yourself, pretendingto be cool when you're not, to
pretend to be okay withsituations when you really not
pretending that you know theirbread crumbs don't really bother
you all that much becauseyou're cool and uncomplicated
(22:20):
and you're easy to be with whenit's all fucking bullshit.
And then wondering why you keepattracting all these
emotionally unavailable partners.
Stop, stop and ask yourselfwhat am I feeling right now that
I'm avoiding, and what would itlook like to give that emotion
some space to be and to breathe,be and to breathe?
(22:54):
And what advice or healing ortransformation might that
emotion be trying to be thecatalyst for in my life?
And how can I apply what it'strying to teach me or show me?
Because that really is themagic, and when you can move
through, layer by layer, all theemotions that you've been
holding onto and heal all thoseparts of you that feel like
you've completely rejected andabandoned them because you
(23:16):
didn't want to deal with whatwas going on on the inside,
that's when life starts to flowin your direction and that's
when things start to move.
And this is a process and itdoes happen one layer at a time.
And, of course, of course, ofcourse, of course, I'm always
here to support you.
Please go ahead and book anintensive.
The link for all that is downbelow, but you know, but this is
, this is the process is movingthrough all these little
(23:40):
abandoned parts of you that arejust screaming and vying for
your attention, allowing them tobe seen and heard and felt and
acknowledged and validated andto really offer a new
perspective on who you're meantto be in the world and how
(24:01):
you're being called to evolve,because that's ultimately, like
I said, what our emotions aretrying to do.
So, instead of resisting youremotions, surrender to them.
Instead of pretending thatyou're okay all the time, just
be honest that you're not okay.
You know, at least withyourself, at least if you can be
honest with yourself first andsomebody, maybe somebody that
you feel close to you know ifyou can at least do that, just
(24:24):
do that part.
You know you're on your way,because now you've stopped
shaming yourself, you stoprejecting yourself and you're
ready to listen to yourself, andthat is often the hardest part.
So take that for what it'sworth.
Let me know if this resonateswherever you're seeing this in
(24:45):
the comments below or reply tome in an email, whatever floats
your boat.
You can also just DM me atTheFemCast on Instagram.
I always love to get DMs fromyou guys, so let me know how
this resonated.
And, of course, please, please,please.
If you love this episode,please leave a positive rating
or review on Spotify or iTunesor wherever you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys.
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