March 13, 2025 • 29 mins
Why do we chase after people who can’t fully love us back? The answer runs deeper than we think.
In this powerful episode of The Femme Cast, I take you inside my personal journey—how a childhood spent longing to hear “I love you” from my father unknowingly shaped my adult relationships. Every emotionally unavailable man I chased was a reflection of that little girl inside me, still hoping for validation, still craving those three simple words.
- How childhood experiences with emotionally unavailable fathers shape our love lives
- Why our nervous systems become wired to chase instead of receive love
- The hidden reason we keep seeking validation from those who can’t give it
- The moment I realized I had to stop running—and start healing
- How to break free from the chase and attract true emotional availability
This isn’t just about my story—it’s about all of us who have ever felt unworthy of love, who have chased instead of received, and who are finally ready to rewrite the script. If you’re tired of the painful cycle, this episode is your wake-up call.
🎧 Press play now. The love you seek is already seeking you—but first, you have to stop running.
Ready to stop abandoning yourself for love? To finally rise from the wreckage of betrayal and become the woman you were born to be?
The Sacred Reclamation Series: Betrayal Edition starts July 21st right here on The Femme Cast.
5 soul-stirring podcast episodes + a FREE live healing + activation on July 29th @ 8PM EST
This is your sign.
This is your turning point.
Claim your seat now at the FREE live healing + activation now.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to
the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Hello, welcome if you're new,so let's dive in.
I had some big epiphanies today, actually as I was recording,
so I just finished recording the30 short mini videos for the
(00:24):
training that goes live nextweek.
I'm super excited for thatMagnetic Love Story
Manifestation Method.
You're going to want to checkthat out.
It is on pre-sale pricing rightnow, until Monday, march 17th
2025, at which time it'll beregular price.
But even at regular price, it'sa steal, so, anywho, um so last
(00:46):
episode we talked about thepattern of why we keep chasing
and they keep running and wekeep chasing and then they keep
running, and we talked about how, when we're chasing after them,
we're typically running fromsome sort of pain story or pain
body within ourselves or painfulexperience within ourselves,
(01:09):
and I shared.
You know how.
I spent most of my life chasingafter emotionally unavailable
men.
I've made that very clear.
I mean, if you've followed mefor a week, you've probably
figured that out by now.
I spent a lifetime chasingafter emotionally unavailable
men out by now.
I spent a lifetime chasingafter emotionally unavailable
(01:29):
men and for the life of me.
I could not figure out why, atleast until a few years ago
anyway, but I do think it was bydivine design and I'll share
more about that later.
But because I had kind of anepiphany today, maybe I'll
record both episodes today,we'll see.
I'm pretty tired because I'vebeen recording for a while now,
so it's until the energy lastsand then I'm literally kicking
my feet up putting it on,putting on some like I don't
(01:52):
know some women's network andwatching some good old fashioned
something women's network,anywho.
So I want to talk about thefather wound today and I want to
talk about, for me, my patternof chasing emotionally
unavailable men was really, Ithink, me living out the
(02:18):
childhood experience of how Iwas kind of learned to chase my
dad, who was like and I'm socareful the way I say this
because you know I never want tothrow people I care about under
the bus, and it's not that mydad was emotional, like my dad
was very loving and you know hewas very.
(02:39):
He was the kind of person whoyou know acts of service were
his love language, you know,taking care of his family,
providing for his family, eventhough those weren't one of the
love languages, but you knowwhat I mean.
Or was that one of the lovelanguage?
I can't remember, let me knowin the comments, but you know
that's how he loved.
He loved by acts of service.
(03:00):
He loved by taking care of hispeople.
He loved by providing.
He loved by doing all thethings he was taught to do for
his family, and that is how heexpressed love.
Whether I agreed with it or not, that is how he expressed love.
Now, that was not my lovelanguage.
(03:20):
My love language are words ofaffirmation.
My love language are affection.
This is how I love to receivelove.
I love to be reminded that I amloved.
Yes, you can call it externalvalidation if you want whatever,
but anyway, that for me is mylove language, right?
I love to hear that I'm loved.
I love to you know someone to.
(03:43):
I love people to be affectionatewith me, to you know and
express love in those ways.
And if I don't have thosethings, sometimes it is really
difficult for me to read that aslove, because for me that's how
I express love, right.
So we always do that right.
We always project how weexpress love or how we treat the
(04:05):
people that we love onto others, and we expect that if they
love us, that they will treat usthe same, and when we don't, we
think they don't love us.
Well, that's kind of whathappened with my dad, um,
because for years I remember mydad never, ever, ever being able
to say I love you.
And I remember crying to my momone day mom, why doesn't daddy
(04:27):
love me?
I don't understand why hedoesn't tell me that he loves me
.
You see every, all the otherfathers telling them, their
daughters, that they love them,but for whatever reason, he
refuses to tell me he's.
You know, whatever.
And you know, I would, I, andthere was more than one
conversation that I had with mymom about this, and you know I
would cry and my mom would belike, you know, she would come
for me and she would assure me Ipromise you, your father loves
(04:48):
you, you know.
And I was like, okay, and thenI would cry again, and then I
would, she would talk to me andthen talk me off the cliff, and
then I would cry again, and, andthis went on.
And I can remember one day veryclearly I was in my dad had
built this awesome extensioninto the backyard that became
mine and my sister's bedroom.
Um, I was sitting on the bed.
It was right opposite thekitchen and I loved hanging out
(05:09):
in there because it meant that Icould be like.
I was so glued to my mom as achild so it meant I could be
close to my mom, so it's like Iwas hanging out in my bedroom.
I was kind of like you know,watching my mom was doing like
this and I was all like sourface, she's like what's'm like?
I started crying again.
Dad doesn't love me.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I went into the story and itnever tells me he loves me.
I don't understand why hedoesn't tell me I love him so
much.
Why didn't he ever tell me thathe loves me?
(05:31):
And she's like you know whatshe said to me and I still
remember this.
She's like you know what youwill need to tell him.
Why should I tell him?
(05:51):
He's the dad, I'm the daughter.
He should be the one to tell mefirst, acting like a total
spoiled brat, whatever.
Um, she's like honey, she'slike I get it, I understand, but
she goes.
Trust me, just tell your fatherthat you love him.
I'm like fine.
So I guess my mom knew a thingor two about my dad, so it took
(06:15):
a while but I finally musteredup the strength to tell my dad
that I love him and I, and, and,and I remember he was kissing
me good night and I was hugginghim, i'm'm hugging my dad.
And it took a few attempts andI was like, say it, say it now,
say it now.
And I didn't say it.
And the next night he came tosay goodnight to me, pulled at
my dad and like say it, say it,say it now.
I couldn't say it.
(06:36):
I think it took like probablythree or four attempts before I
finally said the words.
And when I said that it waslike, like, it was like purse
lips, cracking throat, like itjust sounded so awkward you
could tell I was really tryingto get the words out.
(06:57):
And I'm not even sure if heheard them the first time,
because he didn't say anything.
I told him I finally said it.
He didn't say anything.
She's like just keep saying it,she goes fine.
So I said it again Nothing.
I said it a third time Stillnothing.
I'm like mom, I'm not saying itanymore.
I'm telling you, this is notnormal.
(07:19):
He should be saying I love you.
I don't understand why he's not.
He obviously doesn't love me.
She's like trust me, just sayit.
Finally, finally I said itagain.
I don't know how many times thisis now, but I finally said it
again and I got a me too, and Iwill say and I'll say huh, okay,
(07:44):
well, it's better than nothing,but I'm still not happy.
I'm not satisfied with the metoo.
I want to hear I love you,period, full stop.
The end I told my mom.
I'm like okay, mom.
I told him again.
He didn't say I love you, buthe did say me too.
He goes, see, he loves you.
(08:05):
I'm like no, but he didn't sayI love you, but he did say me
too.
See, he loves you.
I'm like no, but I want to hearI love you.
Like I insist on hearing I loveyou.
I don't understand why this isso hard.
It shouldn't be this fuckinghard to hear I love you.
I shouldn't have to work somuch.
I don't know if those are thewords that I use, but that's
what it felt like when Iremember the feeling.
I don't understand why it hasto be so hard.
Should I just keep going?
(08:26):
So I said it a few more timesand finally I confronted him and
I said why don't you ever sayit back.
Like bring my dad in this place.
I'm like seven years old.
Dad, why don't you ever say itback?
He puts his head down and youcan tell he's like so
uncomfortable, but he just feelscompelled to just say it.
(08:50):
So he finally says it back andI'm just like like this sigh of
relief just came over me and mywhole nervous system just
relaxed.
Now here's the thing, because Ido enough emotional, energetic
work to understand that you know, when I think back now to those
moments, my nervous system wasvery jarred at the fact that he
(09:13):
wasn't saying it to me and then,as soon as he said it to me, my
nervous system just relaxed andI can remember my body suddenly
just settling in and feelingfinally like the tension, just
kind of, you know, letting go ofme and being able to relax.
And I hugged him and you know,if I remember he never noticed
it because it was very subtle,but you know my eyes started to
(09:40):
tear, I started to cry and Isaid, you know, I just kind of
hugged him and we said goodnightand then that was the end of
the day.
But I remember tearing and Iremember just going to sleep
that night and closing my eyesand just being like so grateful
that he said that and I couldn't.
I like I didn't reallyunderstand the magnitude of what
was happening.
I'm only really understandingit now, as I've been thinking
(10:00):
back to how I felt then and itwas very unexplainable.
It was very unexplainable, Iwould almost, I would almost say
that it must have been comingfrom some sort of a past life
experience for it to jar mynervous system like that.
I don't know.
You guys, let me know in thecomments or wherever you're
(10:20):
seeing this, or DM me at thefemcast on Instagram.
Let me know if you've ever hadthat kind of an experience and,
if you have, if you remember thesame sort of feeling in your
body as it's happening, becauseI can remember feeling very,
very, very jarred and verydysregulated up until he said I
love you.
And as soon as he said I loveyou, I relax into safety and
peace, and so this then becamethe story and the pattern in my
(10:46):
relationships.
Now there was some emotion thatI was storing which I'm not
going to get into today becausethat's a much bigger
conversation for another day butthere was a story that I had
created in my mind that if Ichase love hard enough, if I
love them hard enough, if I pushhard enough, if I try hard
(11:08):
enough, if I just keep pushing,pushing, pushing, chasing,
chasing, chasing, thateventually they will love me,
they will admit their love forme.
And this really became apattern for me.
Now in that pattern, a lot ofheartache was created which I
think led to a lot of the storedemotion that just kept me
(11:29):
chasing emotionally unavailablemen.
It just became thisnever-ending cycle.
It was like the mindset createdthe wound, which created the
emotions that stuck energy whichalso fed the mindset storm of
(11:54):
um, you know, planting thebelief, creating the pattern,
patterns creating the wound, thewound creating the trapped
emotion, the trapped emotioncreating the perfect storm.
That really where emotionalenergetics was kind of born.
So in a way, it's kind of a goodthing that this all happens
because I, I really became amaster of um, repressing my own
(12:15):
emotion.
I was a master, I was masterfulat repressing my emotion since
I was a child and you know allthat, all that, you know all
this story aside about chasingemotionally unavailable men and
my dad not being able to say I,I love you, I mean, let's just
talk about how we got in troubleif we cried or got hurt or
fought or whatever.
You know, we we we were notcomfortable dealing with emotion
(12:38):
and I don't know, maybe that'swhat I don't know.
Maybe that's what the that'swhat it meant for my dad to say
I love you.
Maybe it meant that on somelevel it was pacifying some sort
of emotion I didn't want tolook look at.
Maybe that's where the traumawas coming from, because there
was an incident when I was muchyounger, in a daycare where I
(13:01):
was um I used to be a bedwetteras a child and I remember being
um every day at nap time theywould put us in like these
sleeping bags.
Just shortly after lunch,probably around one or two
o'clock.
They would put us in thesesleeping bags and they would put
us down on the floor and put usdown for lunch, and I would
always wet my sleeping bag rightand you know, the lady who ran
(13:25):
the daycare didn't like thisvery much.
So maybe this is where the the,the dysregulation in my nervous
system, probably came from,cause I remember she used to
always take me and put me downstairs.
They had an unfinished basement.
She would take me downstairs,this unfinished basement and
close me in this unfinishedbathroom and leave me in the
(13:46):
dark until probably maybe 30minutes before my mom was coming
to pick me up.
And this was a routine Everyday.
We would have lunch, she wouldput us down for an app.
She could don't wait.
Don't, don't be wetting yourbed again.
I wet my bed.
She picks me up, she drives medownstairs, she put me in the
bathroom and she locked me inthere, and that probably went on
for several weeks before I evertold anybody.
(14:07):
I don't know why I never toldanybody.
I I again, you know.
I remember back to being let outof that day, of that um
bathroom and being let upstairsto play with the rest of the
kids, right before my mom wouldcome pick me up, and I was
always just so grateful andhappy to be let out.
It's like I never wanted tothink about that again.
(14:29):
I just wanted to be happyplaying with the other kids,
playing with my Play-Doh, beingin my fresh change of clothes,
cause my mom would always send afresh change of clothes with me
cause she knew Um, but theywouldn't change me until like
half an hour before she showedup.
They would kind of leave metheir soil so that I wouldn't
soil my clean clothes, so theywould leave me there soiled all
afternoon until half an hourbefore my mom came.
And I remember just being sohappy and excited to be up there
(14:52):
playing with the rest of thekids that I never wanted to
think about that, as maybethat's why I didn't tell them,
or maybe they told me not totell them, I don't know.
Point of the story being, youknow, I think sometimes we
equate that affection, that love, that external validation, as
safety, as something that sayswe're going to be okay, as
(15:15):
something that says you know,we're loved, we're enough.
And if we don't have that wecan, we will continue to chase
it, we will continue to runafter it, we will continue to
abandon ourselves in the hopesthat that love that we're
craving, that love that we'rewanting, will finally, finally
reveal itself to us.
But the react so many enginesgoing by, what the heck?
(15:40):
You think that actually made meangry.
That is a little much Like, I'msorry.
Talk about triggering trappedemotions, anyway, um, so you
know, maybe all of that to besaid, you know all of that said,
(16:04):
you know, maybe we do fall intothese patterns because we're
trying to soothe something muchbigger and much more painful
than we even realize.
And maybe this pattern ofchasing, of convincing, of
(16:27):
waiting for, maybe it served usat one point, you know.
Maybe at one point we learned,oh, this is how I get what I
need, this is how I get thevalidation that I'm loved, this
is how I get my lovereciprocated and my needs met.
And maybe it worked once and itwas a powerful experience for
us because it soothes somethingreally uncomfortable.
(16:47):
But now, as we get older, thatlove that we're chasing starts
running.
Why?
Because now we're older, nowwe've gone wiser, assumingly,
(17:14):
gone wiser assumingly, and nowwe're ready to deal with
whatever the pain was thatcreated the pattern in the first
place.
So you know all that to say.
This is the father wound, right?
This is the father wound thatmany of us share.
A lot of us who are stuck inthese patterns of chasing after
(17:36):
emotionally unavailable men insome way, shape or form,
probably struggled with, maybechasing after our father's
affection or attention or loveor something to make us feel
safe, something whatever weneeded in that moment to make us
feel safe.
And maybe that's why it is souncomfortable when we have to
(18:00):
sit and not chase and confrontwhatever's going on beneath the
surface that we're running fromwhen we're chasing them.
That makes this process so damnhard, because it is.
It is hard, it is difficult, itis very tricky and, like I said
, it's very hard.
You know there's, there's anevolution that happens.
(18:22):
It's not, it's not one and done.
You know you can't put, it'snot, you can't put a formula to
it.
Like I said, the situationcreated the pattern, created how
I, the coping mechanism.
The coping mechanism became thepattern.
The pattern created the wounds.
The wounds created the trappedemotion and then the pattern
(18:46):
perpetuates right and then thepattern perpetuates right.
So you know all that to say.
You know the father wound issomething that I think many of
us do struggle with, because Ithink many of us did have
emotionally unavailable fathers.
It wasn't that they didn't loveus, you know, maybe in some
cases that might've been true.
Maybe in some cases, you know,we had a very, very unhealthy
(19:10):
you know example of parentsgrowing up.
I know.
I know I've worked with peoplewho have had some very traumatic
childhood experiences at thehands of the people that they
should have been able to trustthe most.
But for many of us, you know,we had what seemed on the
(19:32):
surface to be healthy, lovingparents that were just kind of
traumatized themselves anddidn't really know, especially
the dads, you know, not beingnot ever feeling safe to be
vulnerable, not ever being safeto say I love you, not ever
being safe to be in theiremotional body.
You know, I know my dadstruggled with emotion so much
(19:58):
and we're seeing the effects ofthat now as he's getting older,
right, and he's starting.
You know he's getting mucholder, he's having some health
issues and you know it's takinga toll right on every aspect.
You know it's taking a tollright On every aspect.
He's, you know he's somebodywho's never been comfortable in
his emotional body and expressthe emotion and being in his
(20:18):
emotional experience.
If anything, he's avoided itlike the plague, and anything
that triggered any emotion inhim he avoided, like the plague.
And when his emotion istriggered it usually comes out a
little on the unstable sidebecause he really hasn't learned
how to process it.
He's got a lot of stuck traumaand so you know, people can be
(20:41):
loving and can also beemotionally unavailable, and
that is the hard truth.
You know, emotionallyunavailable doesn't mean that
they don't love you.
Emotionally unavailable justmeans they can't tap into
emotion for you.
They can't be present with youfor a full emotional experience.
There's something that they'reavoiding or they're not
(21:02):
comfortable with or they're notokay with.
And what ends up happening?
Banned up, kind ofenergetically running right,
because they're running in thesense, maybe they're not running
physically, but they're runningfrom you emotionally and we
start to equate that as love.
And so, as we get older, westart to run after these
emotionally available partnersand not dealing with our own
(21:26):
wounds of abandonment, ofrejection whether they came from
our fathers or not, it doesn'tmatter.
You know, not dealing withthese wounds of abandonment and
rejection that we're holding onto because, you know, whatever
experience we had growing up, um, and constantly, constantly,
constantly, putting our energyand focus into chasing these
emotionally unavailable peoplejust keeps us from doing the
(21:51):
work and manifesting the loveand the relationships that are
absolutely out there andabsolutely 100% available.
If we were to slow down, take abreath and just process what's
going on on the inside that wetalked about last week, that we
talked about last week, we can'tkeep using the excuse that the
(22:13):
men in our lives, you know,maybe they didn't know how to
love us the way we wanted to beloved.
Maybe they were never taughthow to love us, maybe they
really just didn't know betterand I really do believe that in
many cases they really justdidn't know better and they were
also dealing with a lot oftheir own unprocessed trauma.
So I know the father wound canrun very deep and it can be very
(22:38):
painful, but we can't use thatas an excuse for why we're not
manifesting love in ourrelationships today.
It's definitely a part of thestory, but we can rewrite that
story.
We don't have to stay stuck inthat story.
We can, um, we can choose tocreate a new story, despite what
(23:02):
the what the adults in the roommade us believe when we were
younger, because they didn'thave, they didn't have this,
they didn't have the personaldevelopment that we have, they
didn't have the emotionalsupport, they didn't have all
these tools, they didn't haveFacebook, they didn't have
Instagram.
They're not watching the reelslike you're watching them
scrolling from one to the next,to the next.
(23:23):
They didn't have any of that.
You know, they were kind oflike on their own and if you
especially if you came fromimmigrant families, like an
immigrant family, like I did andthey came here and they
literally had practically no oneto lean on for support.
They did the best they couldand nine out of 10 times they
screwed up.
That's okay.
(23:50):
We have this amazing opportunityto stop chasing, stop running
after them and start goingwithin and soothing all those
parts of ourselves that areafraid of being abandoned and
rejected, that think that theyhave to chase love in order to
get love, that think that theyhave to work harder for it.
Love harder, be better andtolerate more mistreatment.
That is not.
That is not the path to findinga healthy, loving relationship.
(24:12):
There is a better path and itstops.
It starts with you putting anend to the chasing and focusing
on what you need, what you'refeeling and what those feelings
are trying to tell you about whoyou are and and how you were
meant to be and move throughthis life.
(24:33):
So I will leave you guys withthat.
If you love this episode,please leave a positive rating
on Apple podcast or Spotify orwherever you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to
the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Hello, welcome if you're new,so let's dive in.
I had some big epiphanies today, actually as I was recording,
so I just finished recording the30 short mini videos for the
(00:24):
training that goes live nextweek.
I'm super excited for thatMagnetic Love Story
Manifestation Method.
You're going to want to checkthat out.
It is on pre-sale pricing rightnow, until Monday, march 17th
2025, at which time it'll beregular price.
But even at regular price, it'sa steal, so, anywho, um so last
(00:46):
episode we talked about thepattern of why we keep chasing
and they keep running and wekeep chasing and then they keep
running, and we talked about how, when we're chasing after them,
we're typically running fromsome sort of pain story or pain
body within ourselves or painfulexperience within ourselves,
(01:09):
and I shared.
You know how.
I spent most of my life chasingafter emotionally unavailable
men.
I've made that very clear.
I mean, if you've followed mefor a week, you've probably
figured that out by now.
I spent a lifetime chasingafter emotionally unavailable
men out by now.
I spent a lifetime chasingafter emotionally unavailable
(01:29):
men and for the life of me.
I could not figure out why, atleast until a few years ago
anyway, but I do think it was bydivine design and I'll share
more about that later.
But because I had kind of anepiphany today, maybe I'll
record both episodes today,we'll see.
I'm pretty tired because I'vebeen recording for a while now,
so it's until the energy lastsand then I'm literally kicking
my feet up putting it on,putting on some like I don't
(01:52):
know some women's network andwatching some good old fashioned
something women's network,anywho.
So I want to talk about thefather wound today and I want to
talk about, for me, my patternof chasing emotionally
unavailable men was really, Ithink, me living out the
(02:18):
childhood experience of how Iwas kind of learned to chase my
dad, who was like and I'm socareful the way I say this
because you know I never want tothrow people I care about under
the bus, and it's not that mydad was emotional, like my dad
was very loving and you know hewas very.
(02:39):
He was the kind of person whoyou know acts of service were
his love language, you know,taking care of his family,
providing for his family, eventhough those weren't one of the
love languages, but you knowwhat I mean.
Or was that one of the lovelanguage?
I can't remember, let me knowin the comments, but you know
that's how he loved.
He loved by acts of service.
(03:00):
He loved by taking care of hispeople.
He loved by providing.
He loved by doing all thethings he was taught to do for
his family, and that is how heexpressed love.
Whether I agreed with it or not, that is how he expressed love.
Now, that was not my lovelanguage.
(03:20):
My love language are words ofaffirmation.
My love language are affection.
This is how I love to receivelove.
I love to be reminded that I amloved.
Yes, you can call it externalvalidation if you want whatever,
but anyway, that for me is mylove language, right?
I love to hear that I'm loved.
I love to you know someone to.
(03:43):
I love people to be affectionatewith me, to you know and
express love in those ways.
And if I don't have thosethings, sometimes it is really
difficult for me to read that aslove, because for me that's how
I express love, right.
So we always do that right.
We always project how weexpress love or how we treat the
(04:05):
people that we love onto others, and we expect that if they
love us, that they will treat usthe same, and when we don't, we
think they don't love us.
Well, that's kind of whathappened with my dad, um,
because for years I remember mydad never, ever, ever being able
to say I love you.
And I remember crying to my momone day mom, why doesn't daddy
(04:27):
love me?
I don't understand why hedoesn't tell me that he loves me
.
You see every, all the otherfathers telling them, their
daughters, that they love them,but for whatever reason, he
refuses to tell me he's.
You know, whatever.
And you know, I would, I, andthere was more than one
conversation that I had with mymom about this, and you know I
would cry and my mom would belike, you know, she would come
for me and she would assure me Ipromise you, your father loves
(04:48):
you, you know.
And I was like, okay, and thenI would cry again, and then I
would, she would talk to me andthen talk me off the cliff, and
then I would cry again, and, andthis went on.
And I can remember one day veryclearly I was in my dad had
built this awesome extensioninto the backyard that became
mine and my sister's bedroom.
Um, I was sitting on the bed.
It was right opposite thekitchen and I loved hanging out
(05:09):
in there because it meant that Icould be like.
I was so glued to my mom as achild so it meant I could be
close to my mom, so it's like Iwas hanging out in my bedroom.
I was kind of like you know,watching my mom was doing like
this and I was all like sourface, she's like what's'm like?
I started crying again.
Dad doesn't love me.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I went into the story and itnever tells me he loves me.
I don't understand why hedoesn't tell me I love him so
much.
Why didn't he ever tell me thathe loves me?
(05:31):
And she's like you know whatshe said to me and I still
remember this.
She's like you know what youwill need to tell him.
Why should I tell him?
(05:51):
He's the dad, I'm the daughter.
He should be the one to tell mefirst, acting like a total
spoiled brat, whatever.
Um, she's like honey, she'slike I get it, I understand, but
she goes.
Trust me, just tell your fatherthat you love him.
I'm like fine.
So I guess my mom knew a thingor two about my dad, so it took
(06:15):
a while but I finally musteredup the strength to tell my dad
that I love him and I, and, and,and I remember he was kissing
me good night and I was hugginghim, i'm'm hugging my dad.
And it took a few attempts andI was like, say it, say it now,
say it now.
And I didn't say it.
And the next night he came tosay goodnight to me, pulled at
my dad and like say it, say it,say it now.
I couldn't say it.
(06:36):
I think it took like probablythree or four attempts before I
finally said the words.
And when I said that it waslike, like, it was like purse
lips, cracking throat, like itjust sounded so awkward you
could tell I was really tryingto get the words out.
(06:57):
And I'm not even sure if heheard them the first time,
because he didn't say anything.
I told him I finally said it.
He didn't say anything.
She's like just keep saying it,she goes fine.
So I said it again Nothing.
I said it a third time Stillnothing.
I'm like mom, I'm not saying itanymore.
I'm telling you, this is notnormal.
(07:19):
He should be saying I love you.
I don't understand why he's not.
He obviously doesn't love me.
She's like trust me, just sayit.
Finally, finally I said itagain.
I don't know how many times thisis now, but I finally said it
again and I got a me too, and Iwill say and I'll say huh, okay,
(07:44):
well, it's better than nothing,but I'm still not happy.
I'm not satisfied with the metoo.
I want to hear I love you,period, full stop.
The end I told my mom.
I'm like okay, mom.
I told him again.
He didn't say I love you, buthe did say me too.
He goes, see, he loves you.
(08:05):
I'm like no, but he didn't sayI love you, but he did say me
too.
See, he loves you.
I'm like no, but I want to hearI love you.
Like I insist on hearing I loveyou.
I don't understand why this isso hard.
It shouldn't be this fuckinghard to hear I love you.
I shouldn't have to work somuch.
I don't know if those are thewords that I use, but that's
what it felt like when Iremember the feeling.
I don't understand why it hasto be so hard.
Should I just keep going?
(08:26):
So I said it a few more timesand finally I confronted him and
I said why don't you ever sayit back.
Like bring my dad in this place.
I'm like seven years old.
Dad, why don't you ever say itback?
He puts his head down and youcan tell he's like so
uncomfortable, but he just feelscompelled to just say it.
(08:50):
So he finally says it back andI'm just like like this sigh of
relief just came over me and mywhole nervous system just
relaxed.
Now here's the thing, because Ido enough emotional, energetic
work to understand that you know, when I think back now to those
moments, my nervous system wasvery jarred at the fact that he
(09:13):
wasn't saying it to me and then,as soon as he said it to me, my
nervous system just relaxed andI can remember my body suddenly
just settling in and feelingfinally like the tension, just
kind of, you know, letting go ofme and being able to relax.
And I hugged him and you know,if I remember he never noticed
it because it was very subtle,but you know my eyes started to
(09:40):
tear, I started to cry and Isaid, you know, I just kind of
hugged him and we said goodnightand then that was the end of
the day.
But I remember tearing and Iremember just going to sleep
that night and closing my eyesand just being like so grateful
that he said that and I couldn't.
I like I didn't reallyunderstand the magnitude of what
was happening.
I'm only really understandingit now, as I've been thinking
(10:00):
back to how I felt then and itwas very unexplainable.
It was very unexplainable, Iwould almost, I would almost say
that it must have been comingfrom some sort of a past life
experience for it to jar mynervous system like that.
I don't know.
You guys, let me know in thecomments or wherever you're
(10:20):
seeing this, or DM me at thefemcast on Instagram.
Let me know if you've ever hadthat kind of an experience and,
if you have, if you remember thesame sort of feeling in your
body as it's happening, becauseI can remember feeling very,
very, very jarred and verydysregulated up until he said I
love you.
And as soon as he said I loveyou, I relax into safety and
peace, and so this then becamethe story and the pattern in my
(10:46):
relationships.
Now there was some emotion thatI was storing which I'm not
going to get into today becausethat's a much bigger
conversation for another day butthere was a story that I had
created in my mind that if Ichase love hard enough, if I
love them hard enough, if I pushhard enough, if I try hard
(11:08):
enough, if I just keep pushing,pushing, pushing, chasing,
chasing, chasing, thateventually they will love me,
they will admit their love forme.
And this really became apattern for me.
Now in that pattern, a lot ofheartache was created which I
think led to a lot of the storedemotion that just kept me
(11:29):
chasing emotionally unavailablemen.
It just became thisnever-ending cycle.
It was like the mindset createdthe wound, which created the
emotions that stuck energy whichalso fed the mindset storm of
(11:54):
um, you know, planting thebelief, creating the pattern,
patterns creating the wound, thewound creating the trapped
emotion, the trapped emotioncreating the perfect storm.
That really where emotionalenergetics was kind of born.
So in a way, it's kind of a goodthing that this all happens
because I, I really became amaster of um, repressing my own
(12:15):
emotion.
I was a master, I was masterfulat repressing my emotion since
I was a child and you know allthat, all that, you know all
this story aside about chasingemotionally unavailable men and
my dad not being able to say I,I love you, I mean, let's just
talk about how we got in troubleif we cried or got hurt or
fought or whatever.
You know, we we we were notcomfortable dealing with emotion
(12:38):
and I don't know, maybe that'swhat I don't know.
Maybe that's what the that'swhat it meant for my dad to say
I love you.
Maybe it meant that on somelevel it was pacifying some sort
of emotion I didn't want tolook look at.
Maybe that's where the traumawas coming from, because there
was an incident when I was muchyounger, in a daycare where I
(13:01):
was um I used to be a bedwetteras a child and I remember being
um every day at nap time theywould put us in like these
sleeping bags.
Just shortly after lunch,probably around one or two
o'clock.
They would put us in thesesleeping bags and they would put
us down on the floor and put usdown for lunch, and I would
always wet my sleeping bag rightand you know, the lady who ran
(13:25):
the daycare didn't like thisvery much.
So maybe this is where the the,the dysregulation in my nervous
system, probably came from,cause I remember she used to
always take me and put me downstairs.
They had an unfinished basement.
She would take me downstairs,this unfinished basement and
close me in this unfinishedbathroom and leave me in the
(13:46):
dark until probably maybe 30minutes before my mom was coming
to pick me up.
And this was a routine Everyday.
We would have lunch, she wouldput us down for an app.
She could don't wait.
Don't, don't be wetting yourbed again.
I wet my bed.
She picks me up, she drives medownstairs, she put me in the
bathroom and she locked me inthere, and that probably went on
for several weeks before I evertold anybody.
(14:07):
I don't know why I never toldanybody.
I I again, you know.
I remember back to being let outof that day, of that um
bathroom and being let upstairsto play with the rest of the
kids, right before my mom wouldcome pick me up, and I was
always just so grateful andhappy to be let out.
It's like I never wanted tothink about that again.
(14:29):
I just wanted to be happyplaying with the other kids,
playing with my Play-Doh, beingin my fresh change of clothes,
cause my mom would always send afresh change of clothes with me
cause she knew Um, but theywouldn't change me until like
half an hour before she showedup.
They would kind of leave metheir soil so that I wouldn't
soil my clean clothes, so theywould leave me there soiled all
afternoon until half an hourbefore my mom came.
And I remember just being sohappy and excited to be up there
(14:52):
playing with the rest of thekids that I never wanted to
think about that, as maybethat's why I didn't tell them,
or maybe they told me not totell them, I don't know.
Point of the story being, youknow, I think sometimes we
equate that affection, that love, that external validation, as
safety, as something that sayswe're going to be okay, as
(15:15):
something that says you know,we're loved, we're enough.
And if we don't have that wecan, we will continue to chase
it, we will continue to runafter it, we will continue to
abandon ourselves in the hopesthat that love that we're
craving, that love that we'rewanting, will finally, finally
reveal itself to us.
But the react so many enginesgoing by, what the heck?
(15:40):
You think that actually made meangry.
That is a little much Like, I'msorry.
Talk about triggering trappedemotions, anyway, um, so you
know, maybe all of that to besaid, you know all of that said,
(16:04):
you know, maybe we do fall intothese patterns because we're
trying to soothe something muchbigger and much more painful
than we even realize.
And maybe this pattern ofchasing, of convincing, of
(16:27):
waiting for, maybe it served usat one point, you know.
Maybe at one point we learned,oh, this is how I get what I
need, this is how I get thevalidation that I'm loved, this
is how I get my lovereciprocated and my needs met.
And maybe it worked once and itwas a powerful experience for
us because it soothes somethingreally uncomfortable.
(16:47):
But now, as we get older, thatlove that we're chasing starts
running.
Why?
Because now we're older, nowwe've gone wiser, assumingly,
(17:14):
gone wiser assumingly, and nowwe're ready to deal with
whatever the pain was thatcreated the pattern in the first
place.
So you know all that to say.
This is the father wound, right?
This is the father wound thatmany of us share.
A lot of us who are stuck inthese patterns of chasing after
(17:36):
emotionally unavailable men insome way, shape or form,
probably struggled with, maybechasing after our father's
affection or attention or loveor something to make us feel
safe, something whatever weneeded in that moment to make us
feel safe.
And maybe that's why it is souncomfortable when we have to
(18:00):
sit and not chase and confrontwhatever's going on beneath the
surface that we're running fromwhen we're chasing them.
That makes this process so damnhard, because it is.
It is hard, it is difficult, itis very tricky and, like I said
, it's very hard.
You know there's, there's anevolution that happens.
(18:22):
It's not, it's not one and done.
You know you can't put, it'snot, you can't put a formula to
it.
Like I said, the situationcreated the pattern, created how
I, the coping mechanism.
The coping mechanism became thepattern.
The pattern created the wounds.
The wounds created the trappedemotion and then the pattern
(18:46):
perpetuates right and then thepattern perpetuates right.
So you know all that to say.
You know the father wound issomething that I think many of
us do struggle with, because Ithink many of us did have
emotionally unavailable fathers.
It wasn't that they didn't loveus, you know, maybe in some
cases that might've been true.
Maybe in some cases, you know,we had a very, very unhealthy
(19:10):
you know example of parentsgrowing up.
I know.
I know I've worked with peoplewho have had some very traumatic
childhood experiences at thehands of the people that they
should have been able to trustthe most.
But for many of us, you know,we had what seemed on the
(19:32):
surface to be healthy, lovingparents that were just kind of
traumatized themselves anddidn't really know, especially
the dads, you know, not beingnot ever feeling safe to be
vulnerable, not ever being safeto say I love you, not ever
being safe to be in theiremotional body.
You know, I know my dadstruggled with emotion so much
(19:58):
and we're seeing the effects ofthat now as he's getting older,
right, and he's starting.
You know he's getting mucholder, he's having some health
issues and you know it's takinga toll right on every aspect.
You know it's taking a tollright On every aspect.
He's, you know he's somebodywho's never been comfortable in
his emotional body and expressthe emotion and being in his
(20:18):
emotional experience.
If anything, he's avoided itlike the plague, and anything
that triggered any emotion inhim he avoided, like the plague.
And when his emotion istriggered it usually comes out a
little on the unstable sidebecause he really hasn't learned
how to process it.
He's got a lot of stuck traumaand so you know, people can be
(20:41):
loving and can also beemotionally unavailable, and
that is the hard truth.
You know, emotionallyunavailable doesn't mean that
they don't love you.
Emotionally unavailable justmeans they can't tap into
emotion for you.
They can't be present with youfor a full emotional experience.
There's something that they'reavoiding or they're not
(21:02):
comfortable with or they're notokay with.
And what ends up happening?
Banned up, kind ofenergetically running right,
because they're running in thesense, maybe they're not running
physically, but they're runningfrom you emotionally and we
start to equate that as love.
And so, as we get older, westart to run after these
emotionally available partnersand not dealing with our own
(21:26):
wounds of abandonment, ofrejection whether they came from
our fathers or not, it doesn'tmatter.
You know, not dealing withthese wounds of abandonment and
rejection that we're holding onto because, you know, whatever
experience we had growing up, um, and constantly, constantly,
constantly, putting our energyand focus into chasing these
emotionally unavailable peoplejust keeps us from doing the
(21:51):
work and manifesting the loveand the relationships that are
absolutely out there andabsolutely 100% available.
If we were to slow down, take abreath and just process what's
going on on the inside that wetalked about last week, that we
talked about last week, we can'tkeep using the excuse that the
(22:13):
men in our lives, you know,maybe they didn't know how to
love us the way we wanted to beloved.
Maybe they were never taughthow to love us, maybe they
really just didn't know betterand I really do believe that in
many cases they really justdidn't know better and they were
also dealing with a lot oftheir own unprocessed trauma.
So I know the father wound canrun very deep and it can be very
(22:38):
painful, but we can't use thatas an excuse for why we're not
manifesting love in ourrelationships today.
It's definitely a part of thestory, but we can rewrite that
story.
We don't have to stay stuck inthat story.
We can, um, we can choose tocreate a new story, despite what
(23:02):
the what the adults in the roommade us believe when we were
younger, because they didn'thave, they didn't have this,
they didn't have the personaldevelopment that we have, they
didn't have the emotionalsupport, they didn't have all
these tools, they didn't haveFacebook, they didn't have
Instagram.
They're not watching the reelslike you're watching them
scrolling from one to the next,to the next.
(23:23):
They didn't have any of that.
You know, they were kind oflike on their own and if you
especially if you came fromimmigrant families, like an
immigrant family, like I did andthey came here and they
literally had practically no oneto lean on for support.
They did the best they couldand nine out of 10 times they
screwed up.
That's okay.
(23:50):
We have this amazing opportunityto stop chasing, stop running
after them and start goingwithin and soothing all those
parts of ourselves that areafraid of being abandoned and
rejected, that think that theyhave to chase love in order to
get love, that think that theyhave to work harder for it.
Love harder, be better andtolerate more mistreatment.
That is not.
That is not the path to findinga healthy, loving relationship.
(24:12):
There is a better path and itstops.
It starts with you putting anend to the chasing and focusing
on what you need, what you'refeeling and what those feelings
are trying to tell you about whoyou are and and how you were
meant to be and move throughthis life.
(24:33):
So I will leave you guys withthat.
If you love this episode,please leave a positive rating
on Apple podcast or Spotify orwherever you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.