March 4, 2025 • 32 mins
You think you know what it feels like to be cheated on, and what you would do—until it happens to you. It’s not just about the betrayal. It’s the gut-wrenching self-doubt, the shame, the questions that haunt you at 2 AM:
Was I not enough?
Is she better than me?
Does it feel better with her?
I'm such an idiot, how did I not see it?
And the worst part? No one talks about the full depth of what it does to your self-worth.
In this episode of The Femme Cast, I’m ripping the band aid off and having the brutally honest conversation that movies, society, and even your closest friends often avoid. Because infidelity isn’t just about someone stepping out—it’s about the emotional fallout, the identity crisis, and the patterns that keep us stuck in toxic cycles.
We’re diving deep into:
- The real emotional aftermath of discovering a partner’s betrayal—beyond just anger and heartbreak
- Why Hollywood’s version of cheating never prepares you for the actual experience
- How infidelity is often a symptom of deeper issues (and why it’s NOT a reflection of your worth)
- The biggest lies we tell ourselves that keep us trapped in toxic relationships
- The first steps to breaking free, healing, and redefining love on your terms
If you’ve ever been cheated on, questioned your self-worth, or stayed in a relationship that broke you instead of built you—this episode is for you.
🎧 Hit play now. Because healing starts with finally seeing the truth.
PS: Stop begging to be chosen. Choose yourself instead.
You’re not here to beg, chase, or perform for the bare minimum.
You’re here to reclaim your power and become magnetic to real, soul-aligned love, success, and abundance.
Reclaim the version of you that never had to beg to be chosen.
Book your 90-minute Sacred Reclamation Intensive.
But fair warning—authentic connections, aligned opportunities, and breakthroughs in love, money, and purpose are inevitable.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
We are continuing down therabbit hole of my 20-year
evolution from breaking toxicrelationship patterns and
becoming a magnet for healthylove, and it was, you know, such
a cathartic experience havingto go through all this all over
(00:21):
again, like I can't tell you howmany nights I've spent
literally like reliving thingseither in my dreams, like,
whether consciously orsubconsciously, kind of going
through like the index cards ofmemories that have kind of
shaped the last 20 years of mylife and my healing and my
evolution in a lot of thesetoxic patterns that I used to be
(00:45):
, that I used to experience anddidn't even realize that they
were toxic because for me theyjust felt normal, like toxic was
my norm, you know.
And so having to undo all thatwas literally an evolution over
(01:05):
20 years.
And then now being in aposition where, okay, you know
we've done the work, we've beenthere, let's, you know, let's
get back out there and, you know, really trying, really starting
to rediscover or not rediscover, discover what healthy love
actually looks like and what itis that I truly want in a
(01:26):
relationship.
That's kind of the evolutionthat I'm going through right now
.
So DVD on that.
However, what I will say andwhat I kind of wanted to talk
about today is just this kind ofyou know the truth about
cheating that nobody talks about, you know, and kind of having
(01:50):
gone through this experience, itis quite different, in reality,
from the narrative that we hearso often of what these
experiences actually look like,like.
There's a difference betweenhow they're portrayed versus
actually being in them andactually moving through them and
experiencing them.
(02:11):
So we're going to talk aboutthat today.
So you know, as I've beenwanting to do with this podcast,
I you know wherever you findyourself.
If you can safely close youreyes and get centered, please do
so.
If not, just continue with whatyou're doing and just hold the
intention of what we're about totalk about and just holding the
intention that you know, ifyou're listening to this episode
(02:35):
, that it will find you and meetyou where you are, that you
will hear something that youneed to hear, shift something
that you need to shift, have anawakening that you need to have
in order to create more healthy,loving relationship patterns.
(03:00):
May this be the seed that helpsyou kind of break some of your
toxic patterns and become amagnet for the healthy love that
I truly, in my heart, believeeach and every one of us
deserves.
You know, you absolutelydeserve to experience healthy
love, love that feels safe, lovewhere you feel seen, love where
(03:22):
you feel heard, and love whereyou feel loved just for being
you.
And that is my intention foreach and every one of you
listening to this episode today.
And so it is.
And with that intention, let'sdive in.
So the truth about beingcheated on that nobody talks
(03:42):
about, let's talk about thisbecause you know, we've all seen
it.
You know, I think one of myfavorite movies of all time is I
think it was was it called theOther Woman?
The one with it was CameronDiaz, and she's the other woman.
Um, hang on, yes, okay, I hadto google it.
(04:12):
So it was the other woman um2014 cameron diaz.
Leslie mann, who I freakinglove like I am just obsessed
with leslie mann um kate upton,who I had never seen until this
movie, to be honest, but she washilarious.
And nikki minaj was also in it.
I loved, I loved nikki minaj'scharacter in this movie.
Anyway, great movie about, youknow, a woman who's I really
relate to.
(04:34):
You know, in this film, Not in,you know I wasn't exactly, you
know, like her in the movieSorry, leslie Mann, um, I mean,
I think I think I was.
I was probably a little bitmore independent than she was.
However, having that that, thatway that she had this blind
(04:57):
faith and blind trust in herhusband or partner, um, I can
totally relate to.
Like, I can remember, like, Imean, you know, signing papers
and documents and not never evengiving a second thought as to
whether or not, you know, Itotally trusted my partner, um,
you know, and and there wasnever any doubt in my mind that
(05:20):
I couldn't trust him and therewas.
So one of the plots in the moviewas that, you know, he was
giving her these documents tosign which she didn't understand
what they were and she neverreally read them, she just kind
of signed them away and, sureenough, he was kind of keeping
money laundered money, in thesebanks, kind of offshore bank
(05:41):
accounts, and he had created allthese fake fraud businesses
that he had put in her name sothat if anything ever went
upside down, she would getblamed for it.
It was all a whole mess.
Anyway, the whole premise ofthe story is he's cheating on
her.
She finds out about it becausethe woman shows up at her front
door.
She finally puts two and twotogether she realizes her spouse
(06:02):
is cheating on her and then shegoes through the you know, she
goes through all the stages thatI went through, which was, like
you know, the denial, the grief, the anger, the rage and
wanting to get back at them andwhatever.
Right, she didn't need theproof, though she had the proof
because she had the fullconfession of the other woman,
who was Cameron Diaz.
Now, you know, we see this inmovies, right, we see this all
(06:29):
the time, and this was actuallyprobably the most real, even
though it was totally comic, butit was probably the most real
the real portrayal of betrayal.
Usually, when we see betrayal inmovies, especially in sitcoms,
you know, boy meets girl, girlloves boy.
They end up in relationshiptogether.
Girl finds out.
Boy meets girl, girl loves boy.
They end up in relationshiptogether.
Girl finds out boy's cheating.
Girl leaves boy because shedoesn't tolerate that crap.
(06:49):
End of story.
Move on to the next guy.
Cheating, betrayal, infidelityis never that clean.
Well, okay, I can't say never.
It certainly wasn't that cleanin my experience, and in my
experience, this comical versionwas probably the closest thing
that came to the real thing.
(07:11):
Actually, even that was, Iwould say, was way too clean
compared to how I experienced it.
Here's the reality and here'swhat really nobody talks about.
Yes, we're constantly beingbombarded with these messages.
Oh, if he's once a cheat,always a cheat.
If you find out he's cheating,you leave and and you know
(07:33):
there's, there's, there'snothing.
You know nothing to talk about,nothing to negotiate.
You simply walk away.
You don't tolerate that girlblah.
Okay, yes, I believe we take astand for our worth.
I believe we treat people howto treat us.
I believe what we tolerate, weinvite.
(07:55):
I believe in all those things.
But when it comes to betrayal,when it comes to infidelity,
when it comes to cheating,betrayal when it comes to
infidelity, when it comes tocheating, there is such a gray
area in all of this and in termsof well, in terms of what to do
, because I think there'sdifferent degrees.
I hate to say it and I know alot of people would agree with
(08:17):
me, but I think there'sdifferent types of betrayal and
different types of infidelityand I think that each situation
has to be handled differently.
I don't think there's a cookiecutter solution to any of this.
But what I will say is this,and this is the part that nobody
talks about it is shameful, itis messy and more often than not
(08:41):
, it is something that we don'ttalk about, that we sweep under
the rug, that we try and pretendis not happening, because it's
almost as though we've neverbeen given the permission slip
to let it be messy that I was in, knowing in my heart of hearts
(09:12):
what was happening behind thescenes.
Even you know, not just when Ifirst had that moment of
realization, but you know, goingthrough the anger phase, going
through the grief phase, goingthrough the denial phase, where
I still knew what was going on,I had just decided to not
believe myself, not trust myself, and convince myself of a whole
other narrative.
I knew deep down what the truthwas and I never felt safe
(09:41):
telling people what I wasexperiencing.
Telling people what I wasexperiencing Because in that
experience, you know, dependingon who I shared it with, I knew
(10:01):
I would get confronted withjudgment.
You're just being a jealouswife, girlfriend, partner,
whatever.
I would get confronted with you, more invalidation and more
denial of myself.
Oh, you're just.
You know you'reover-exaggerating.
You know he would never do thatto you.
Oh, but you guys are so happy,you guys are like the best
couple.
And then there's, like, theinternal of all of this, which
(10:26):
was, if I admit this, if I admitthat this is happening, and I
admit that this is happening andI admit that this is true, then
that confirms what I havealways believed deep down, that
I've never wanted to acknowledge, and that is that I am not good
enough, that I am not lovable,that they are always going to
(10:51):
love somebody else more thanthey love me, and that was
really the deeper truth in allof this.
So when betrayal happens, wheninfidelity happens, when trust
is broken, it is messy as fuck.
And to say that you know, wefind out about it, we should
(11:13):
immediately leave.
That almost rarely happens, Ican guarantee you.
There are for every woman who'sin a relationship out there.
I would bet you many of them,if not most of them, have
experienced some sort ofinfidelity or betrayal that they
have not talked about, tovarying degrees.
(11:36):
And men I mean it's not justmen who cheat, it's women who
cheat.
Too Many will argue that womenhave more.
What's it called?
Um, extra um, I want to say,but it's not just for for
(11:56):
married couples, but, you know,extracurricular relationships,
and then men do, um, sometimesthey vary, sometimes they can be
sexual in nature, sometimesthey're just emotional in nature
.
You know that's also anotherform of of cheating, right, um,
but all that to say, you know itis messy as fuck and it is not
(12:16):
as easy, you know, to say thatwe should just walk away from it
and, you know, never look backand move on.
Yes, I mean, I think you know.
I said this in a previousepisode.
You know, I think you know, whenit comes to betrayal in a
relationship, I put them inmultiple categories.
(12:37):
I mean, there's a betrayal thathappens that is literally like
a one-off.
The person is remorseful, theyhate themselves for it, they've
come clean about it, they wantto work on the relationship.
They were owning their mistakeand they're owning their part in
that mistake and they want towork on the relationship.
They are owning their mistakeand they're owning their part in
that mistake and they want towork through it.
I think that you know, none ofus are perfect.
(12:59):
We all make mistakes, we allfumble from time to time, we all
let people that we love down,and I think that when somebody's
coming at it from thatperspective, I think, if you
choose not saying you should,but if you choose not saying you
should, but if you choose, Ithink the relationship can be
worked on, because I think, fromthat perspective, the person is
coming into it from a lens of Ifucked up, how can we fix this,
(13:20):
how can we make this right?
I am willing to do anything tomake this right and I think,
from that perspective, I think arelationship can always be
(13:45):
saved.
A jealous partner, a jealouswife, who's you know who's
bringing drama, unnecessarydrama, into the relationship
because you're not trusting them.
I think that's a differentconversation and I think that is
something that, ultimately, weshould be walking away from, but
(14:07):
we don't.
Why don't we?
Okay, we always have to look atthe why.
Why aren't we walking away?
Why are we choosing to stay inthese relationships longer than
um?
Why are we choosing to take ourtime to stay in these
relationships longer than weneed to?
(14:28):
And that is because so much ofour self-worth is tied into the
success of this relationship andif this relationship were to
fail, it would make us see ourown unworthiness and not
(14:50):
enoughness.
It would become the publicvalidation that we were never
enough to be loved and beginwith, and all our worst fears of
abandonment and rejection arenow coming true and they are out
in the open.
The thought of telling peoplethat he was cheating on me was
(15:10):
so terrible it was.
I was so embarrassed by it, Iwas humiliated by the cheating,
and I think it's because I feltlike other people would look at
it as oh so you weren't goodenough, and so he had to go
somewhere else to get his rocksoff, because obviously you were
(15:34):
doing something wrong.
Obviously you weren't goodenough, and that's how I thought
people would interpret it,because in my mind, that's how I
was interpreting it.
I interpreted his cheating, hisbetrayal, as, oh my God, I
(15:57):
wasn't enough, I wasn't pleasinghim, he didn't want to be with
me, I wasn't good enough to bewith, and this was something
that you know.
Looking back, this was a beliefthat started to cement itself
long before I realized there wasinfidelity, because before
(16:20):
there was infidelity, there wasa distance in our intimacy.
That was, you know, you know,considering where we were in our
, in our relationship at thetime.
You know, we had just moved intogether, actually, well, I mean
(16:40):
, it started before we moved intogether.
But we had just moved intogether.
You know, we were both in theprime of our lives.
You know we should have beenlike, you know, screwing like
rabbits around the apartmenthave been like, you know,
screwing like rabbits around theapartment, you know.
But we weren't.
We weren't, we were so distant,like months, months would go by
(17:04):
.
And it wasn't that I didn't wantto, it was that he didn't want
to, and he always had an excusenot to, and that, for me, was so
painful.
It was oh my God, he doesn'twant me.
Oh my God, he's not interestedin me.
I'm not good enough, I'm notthe kind of woman he wants to be
with.
It was all about me.
(17:26):
It had nothing to do with him.
In my mind, in my mind, it hadall to do with me and how
lacking I was, how not goodenough I was and what I needed
to do in order to be desirable.
(17:47):
Because I felt anything but.
And I was struggling with thisfor several months before I
found out about the affair, um,and then, after I found out, it
just got hell worse, um, andthen, even as I was moving
(18:07):
through the denial period, and Iwas still trying to pretend
that things were okay when theyweren't.
This was eating away at meslowly, and so you know, it's
not just the betrayal, right, itis everything that we make the
(18:28):
betrayal mean about who we areand what we're worth.
And oftentimes these narrativescome way before the betrayal
even shows up and then itbecomes this shameful secret
that we hide and tuck under therug and pray that nobody ever
(18:50):
finds out about, because thenthe world will know just how
much we suck as a partner and alover and a wife or a girlfriend
or whatever that we could not,you know, keep our person um
faithful.
(19:10):
And you, I mean this is thething that nobody ever really
fucking talks about, because youknow we're supposed to be these
strong, independent, confidentwomen that you know don't need
all this external validation,that who aren't insecure and who
aren't jealous.
There's all these rules we needto play by, but inside there's
(19:30):
just this vulnerable mess ofemotions that we have no safe
place to really express.
And you know, making this meansomething about what you're
worth as a woman and as a humanis very real in this process and
in this experience, and, youknow, until we kind of feel, you
(20:00):
know, I think we need to changethe narrative when it comes to
how we experience these types ofrelationships and betrayals in
our lives, because I think weneed to start giving people
permission for all the feelingsand all the doubts and all the
meanings and the associationsthat we attach to it.
(20:22):
It is so messy, it's not clean,it's not clean at all.
It's not as simple to say isthe moment you find out that
he's cheating is the moment thatyou leave?
It is not that simple and Ithink that's a lot of pressure
Because we're going to movethrough self-doubt, uncertainty,
we're not sure, we're not clearthat you know whether or not
(20:43):
the cheating happened.
Maybe it's a hunch, maybe wedon't have real concrete
evidence, maybe we're denyingthe concrete evidence, maybe
everything is making it meansomething about ourselves that
we just don't want to accept.
We need to start havingconversations just how complex
these experiences are and thenreally trying to understand how
(21:05):
complex the decisions that wemake as a result of these
experiences.
They're not cookie cutter.
They are anything but simple.
They are messy as fuck and theywill bring up so much of your
own internal self-worth issuesthat I can probably bet you
(21:30):
there's a ton of women out thereand maybe you're one of them
who is pretending that theinfidelity never happened, who
is so desperately trying to hideit because you're afraid of
what people are going to thinkof you and what they're going to
say about you behind your back,and that they're going to think
(21:53):
, oh see, it wasn't good enough,so he had to go someplace else
to get it.
Because that is a very, veryreal thought that we have when
we go through these experiences.
So, rather than out ourselvesand out our experience, we
choose to pretend that it neverhappened and maintain our
(22:13):
picture perfect relationship,partnership, marriage, whatever
for the sake of not lettingpeople have the same realization
that we are not having aboutourselves, which is that we're
not enough.
So, if you're somebody who has,you know, moved through
(22:37):
infidelity, betrayal, you'veexperienced this, but you're
whether you're trying to deny itor you're idly sitting back and
letting the betrayal happen andnot acknowledging it and
choosing to just kind of sweepit under the rug and pretend
that it's not there I want toask you to ask yourself why,
(22:59):
choosing to just kind of sweepit under the rug and pretend
that it's not there?
I want to ask you to askyourself why.
What is it that you're hiding?
What is it that you're ashamedof?
What are you protecting withinyourself by keeping this truth
hidden?
Because, let me tell you, youhave nothing to be ashamed of.
You have not done anythingwrong, and this has nothing to
(23:20):
do with you not being enough ornot being good enough, or hot
enough, or sexy enough or youknow whatever enough.
This is everything to do with abreakdown in your relationship.
This is this is showing you,not that it is not to say that
this is your fault, but this isshowing you.
Maybe some of say that this isyour fault, but this is showing
you maybe some of the beliefsthat you hold about yourself
(23:44):
that may be attracting unhealthyrelationships into your
experience, and the beliefs thatare being triggered are the
very beliefs that you need tolook at, that are doing the
attracting for you on yourbehalf.
Because the first thought thatwe have here's how I always like
to interpret it the woman who'sself-assured and knows her
(24:06):
worth and knows her value, canlook at the situation and be
like, yeah, nope, I'm out ofhere.
The woman who struggles to seeher worth, struggles to see her
value, always struggles to feellike she's enough, will always
say what the fuck did I do wrong?
How did I?
How was I not enough for thisperson?
(24:27):
What didn't they like about me?
Why didn't I?
Why couldn't I please them?
Why could, why couldn't I bethe kind of woman that they
would desire to be with?
And that is your first clue asto where your work is to do.
(24:50):
And I mean, I know it's noteasy work, but let me just tell
you you will thank yourself fordoing the work one day, I
promise you, because this is nothow love was meant to be
experienced.
(25:10):
These are the things that helpus evolve, certainly, but this
isn't the carrot at the end.
It's so, not the carrot at theend.
So I'm going to leave you withthat today.
So where are you hiding the mess?
(25:31):
Where are you not being honestwith yourself or the people
around you about owning your ownbetrayal, your own heartbreak,
your own experience withinfidelity?
And why, and that's the moreimportant question why are you
(25:54):
not being honest?
What is the truth or the beliefthat you're avoiding by hiding
all of this messiness that keepsyou going and oscillating
between, oh my God, I'm going toleave him.
No, I'm going to stay.
I'm going to leave him.
I'm going to say no, I'm goingto pretend it never happened.
No, we're fine.
Look see, we're happy, becausethis was my reality for seven
years.
So if you are caught in thatsame reality, what are you not
(26:21):
owning and being honest about,and why?
What is the feeling or thebelief that you're avoiding in
that process?
Let me know,mariaatthefemcoachcom, or you
can DM me at the Femcast and letme know there.
Dm me at the femcast and let meknow there.
If you love this episode,please leave a positive rating
(26:42):
and review on Apple Podcasts orSpotify or wherever you're
seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
We are continuing down therabbit hole of my 20-year
evolution from breaking toxicrelationship patterns and
becoming a magnet for healthylove, and it was, you know, such
a cathartic experience havingto go through all this all over
(00:21):
again, like I can't tell you howmany nights I've spent
literally like reliving thingseither in my dreams, like,
whether consciously orsubconsciously, kind of going
through like the index cards ofmemories that have kind of
shaped the last 20 years of mylife and my healing and my
evolution in a lot of thesetoxic patterns that I used to be
(00:45):
, that I used to experience anddidn't even realize that they
were toxic because for me theyjust felt normal, like toxic was
my norm, you know.
And so having to undo all thatwas literally an evolution over
(01:05):
20 years.
And then now being in aposition where, okay, you know
we've done the work, we've beenthere, let's, you know, let's
get back out there and, you know, really trying, really starting
to rediscover or not rediscover, discover what healthy love
actually looks like and what itis that I truly want in a
(01:26):
relationship.
That's kind of the evolutionthat I'm going through right now
.
So DVD on that.
However, what I will say andwhat I kind of wanted to talk
about today is just this kind ofyou know the truth about
cheating that nobody talks about, you know, and kind of having
(01:50):
gone through this experience, itis quite different, in reality,
from the narrative that we hearso often of what these
experiences actually look like,like.
There's a difference betweenhow they're portrayed versus
actually being in them andactually moving through them and
experiencing them.
(02:11):
So we're going to talk aboutthat today.
So you know, as I've beenwanting to do with this podcast,
I you know wherever you findyourself.
If you can safely close youreyes and get centered, please do
so.
If not, just continue with whatyou're doing and just hold the
intention of what we're about totalk about and just holding the
intention that you know, ifyou're listening to this episode
(02:35):
, that it will find you and meetyou where you are, that you
will hear something that youneed to hear, shift something
that you need to shift, have anawakening that you need to have
in order to create more healthy,loving relationship patterns.
(03:00):
May this be the seed that helpsyou kind of break some of your
toxic patterns and become amagnet for the healthy love that
I truly, in my heart, believeeach and every one of us
deserves.
You know, you absolutelydeserve to experience healthy
love, love that feels safe, lovewhere you feel seen, love where
(03:22):
you feel heard, and love whereyou feel loved just for being
you.
And that is my intention foreach and every one of you
listening to this episode today.
And so it is.
And with that intention, let'sdive in.
So the truth about beingcheated on that nobody talks
(03:42):
about, let's talk about thisbecause you know, we've all seen
it.
You know, I think one of myfavorite movies of all time is I
think it was was it called theOther Woman?
The one with it was CameronDiaz, and she's the other woman.
Um, hang on, yes, okay, I hadto google it.
(04:12):
So it was the other woman um2014 cameron diaz.
Leslie mann, who I freakinglove like I am just obsessed
with leslie mann um kate upton,who I had never seen until this
movie, to be honest, but she washilarious.
And nikki minaj was also in it.
I loved, I loved nikki minaj'scharacter in this movie.
Anyway, great movie about, youknow, a woman who's I really
relate to.
(04:34):
You know, in this film, Not in,you know I wasn't exactly, you
know, like her in the movieSorry, leslie Mann, um, I mean,
I think I think I was.
I was probably a little bitmore independent than she was.
However, having that that, thatway that she had this blind
(04:57):
faith and blind trust in herhusband or partner, um, I can
totally relate to.
Like, I can remember, like, Imean, you know, signing papers
and documents and not never evengiving a second thought as to
whether or not, you know, Itotally trusted my partner, um,
you know, and and there wasnever any doubt in my mind that
(05:20):
I couldn't trust him and therewas.
So one of the plots in the moviewas that, you know, he was
giving her these documents tosign which she didn't understand
what they were and she neverreally read them, she just kind
of signed them away and, sureenough, he was kind of keeping
money laundered money, in thesebanks, kind of offshore bank
(05:41):
accounts, and he had created allthese fake fraud businesses
that he had put in her name sothat if anything ever went
upside down, she would getblamed for it.
It was all a whole mess.
Anyway, the whole premise ofthe story is he's cheating on
her.
She finds out about it becausethe woman shows up at her front
door.
She finally puts two and twotogether she realizes her spouse
(06:02):
is cheating on her and then shegoes through the you know, she
goes through all the stages thatI went through, which was, like
you know, the denial, the grief, the anger, the rage and
wanting to get back at them andwhatever.
Right, she didn't need theproof, though she had the proof
because she had the fullconfession of the other woman,
who was Cameron Diaz.
Now, you know, we see this inmovies, right, we see this all
(06:29):
the time, and this was actuallyprobably the most real, even
though it was totally comic, butit was probably the most real
the real portrayal of betrayal.
Usually, when we see betrayal inmovies, especially in sitcoms,
you know, boy meets girl, girlloves boy.
They end up in relationshiptogether.
Girl finds out.
Boy meets girl, girl loves boy.
They end up in relationshiptogether.
Girl finds out boy's cheating.
Girl leaves boy because shedoesn't tolerate that crap.
(06:49):
End of story.
Move on to the next guy.
Cheating, betrayal, infidelityis never that clean.
Well, okay, I can't say never.
It certainly wasn't that cleanin my experience, and in my
experience, this comical versionwas probably the closest thing
that came to the real thing.
(07:11):
Actually, even that was, Iwould say, was way too clean
compared to how I experienced it.
Here's the reality and here'swhat really nobody talks about.
Yes, we're constantly beingbombarded with these messages.
Oh, if he's once a cheat,always a cheat.
If you find out he's cheating,you leave and and you know
(07:33):
there's, there's, there'snothing.
You know nothing to talk about,nothing to negotiate.
You simply walk away.
You don't tolerate that girlblah.
Okay, yes, I believe we take astand for our worth.
I believe we treat people howto treat us.
I believe what we tolerate, weinvite.
(07:55):
I believe in all those things.
But when it comes to betrayal,when it comes to infidelity,
when it comes to cheating,betrayal when it comes to
infidelity, when it comes tocheating, there is such a gray
area in all of this and in termsof well, in terms of what to do
, because I think there'sdifferent degrees.
I hate to say it and I know alot of people would agree with
(08:17):
me, but I think there'sdifferent types of betrayal and
different types of infidelityand I think that each situation
has to be handled differently.
I don't think there's a cookiecutter solution to any of this.
But what I will say is this,and this is the part that nobody
talks about it is shameful, itis messy and more often than not
(08:41):
, it is something that we don'ttalk about, that we sweep under
the rug, that we try and pretendis not happening, because it's
almost as though we've neverbeen given the permission slip
to let it be messy that I was in, knowing in my heart of hearts
(09:12):
what was happening behind thescenes.
Even you know, not just when Ifirst had that moment of
realization, but you know, goingthrough the anger phase, going
through the grief phase, goingthrough the denial phase, where
I still knew what was going on,I had just decided to not
believe myself, not trust myself, and convince myself of a whole
other narrative.
I knew deep down what the truthwas and I never felt safe
(09:41):
telling people what I wasexperiencing.
Telling people what I wasexperiencing Because in that
experience, you know, dependingon who I shared it with, I knew
(10:01):
I would get confronted withjudgment.
You're just being a jealouswife, girlfriend, partner,
whatever.
I would get confronted with you, more invalidation and more
denial of myself.
Oh, you're just.
You know you'reover-exaggerating.
You know he would never do thatto you.
Oh, but you guys are so happy,you guys are like the best
couple.
And then there's, like, theinternal of all of this, which
(10:26):
was, if I admit this, if I admitthat this is happening, and I
admit that this is happening andI admit that this is true, then
that confirms what I havealways believed deep down, that
I've never wanted to acknowledge, and that is that I am not good
enough, that I am not lovable,that they are always going to
(10:51):
love somebody else more thanthey love me, and that was
really the deeper truth in allof this.
So when betrayal happens, wheninfidelity happens, when trust
is broken, it is messy as fuck.
And to say that you know, wefind out about it, we should
(11:13):
immediately leave.
That almost rarely happens, Ican guarantee you.
There are for every woman who'sin a relationship out there.
I would bet you many of them,if not most of them, have
experienced some sort ofinfidelity or betrayal that they
have not talked about, tovarying degrees.
(11:36):
And men I mean it's not justmen who cheat, it's women who
cheat.
Too Many will argue that womenhave more.
What's it called?
Um, extra um, I want to say,but it's not just for for
(11:56):
married couples, but, you know,extracurricular relationships,
and then men do, um, sometimesthey vary, sometimes they can be
sexual in nature, sometimesthey're just emotional in nature
.
You know that's also anotherform of of cheating, right, um,
but all that to say, you know itis messy as fuck and it is not
(12:16):
as easy, you know, to say thatwe should just walk away from it
and, you know, never look backand move on.
Yes, I mean, I think you know.
I said this in a previousepisode.
You know, I think you know, whenit comes to betrayal in a
relationship, I put them inmultiple categories.
(12:37):
I mean, there's a betrayal thathappens that is literally like
a one-off.
The person is remorseful, theyhate themselves for it, they've
come clean about it, they wantto work on the relationship.
They were owning their mistakeand they're owning their part in
that mistake and they want towork on the relationship.
They are owning their mistakeand they're owning their part in
that mistake and they want towork through it.
I think that you know, none ofus are perfect.
(12:59):
We all make mistakes, we allfumble from time to time, we all
let people that we love down,and I think that when somebody's
coming at it from thatperspective, I think, if you
choose not saying you should,but if you choose not saying you
should, but if you choose, Ithink the relationship can be
worked on, because I think, fromthat perspective, the person is
coming into it from a lens of Ifucked up, how can we fix this,
(13:20):
how can we make this right?
I am willing to do anything tomake this right and I think,
from that perspective, I think arelationship can always be
(13:45):
saved.
A jealous partner, a jealouswife, who's you know who's
bringing drama, unnecessarydrama, into the relationship
because you're not trusting them.
I think that's a differentconversation and I think that is
something that, ultimately, weshould be walking away from, but
(14:07):
we don't.
Why don't we?
Okay, we always have to look atthe why.
Why aren't we walking away?
Why are we choosing to stay inthese relationships longer than
um?
Why are we choosing to take ourtime to stay in these
relationships longer than weneed to?
(14:28):
And that is because so much ofour self-worth is tied into the
success of this relationship andif this relationship were to
fail, it would make us see ourown unworthiness and not
(14:50):
enoughness.
It would become the publicvalidation that we were never
enough to be loved and beginwith, and all our worst fears of
abandonment and rejection arenow coming true and they are out
in the open.
The thought of telling peoplethat he was cheating on me was
(15:10):
so terrible it was.
I was so embarrassed by it, Iwas humiliated by the cheating,
and I think it's because I feltlike other people would look at
it as oh so you weren't goodenough, and so he had to go
somewhere else to get his rocksoff, because obviously you were
(15:34):
doing something wrong.
Obviously you weren't goodenough, and that's how I thought
people would interpret it,because in my mind, that's how I
was interpreting it.
I interpreted his cheating, hisbetrayal, as, oh my God, I
(15:57):
wasn't enough, I wasn't pleasinghim, he didn't want to be with
me, I wasn't good enough to bewith, and this was something
that you know.
Looking back, this was a beliefthat started to cement itself
long before I realized there wasinfidelity, because before
(16:20):
there was infidelity, there wasa distance in our intimacy.
That was, you know, you know,considering where we were in our
, in our relationship at thetime.
You know, we had just moved intogether, actually, well, I mean
(16:40):
, it started before we moved intogether.
But we had just moved intogether.
You know, we were both in theprime of our lives.
You know we should have beenlike, you know, screwing like
rabbits around the apartmenthave been like, you know,
screwing like rabbits around theapartment, you know.
But we weren't.
We weren't, we were so distant,like months, months would go by
(17:04):
.
And it wasn't that I didn't wantto, it was that he didn't want
to, and he always had an excusenot to, and that, for me, was so
painful.
It was oh my God, he doesn'twant me.
Oh my God, he's not interestedin me.
I'm not good enough, I'm notthe kind of woman he wants to be
with.
It was all about me.
(17:26):
It had nothing to do with him.
In my mind, in my mind, it hadall to do with me and how
lacking I was, how not goodenough I was and what I needed
to do in order to be desirable.
(17:47):
Because I felt anything but.
And I was struggling with thisfor several months before I
found out about the affair, um,and then, after I found out, it
just got hell worse, um, andthen, even as I was moving
(18:07):
through the denial period, and Iwas still trying to pretend
that things were okay when theyweren't.
This was eating away at meslowly, and so you know, it's
not just the betrayal, right, itis everything that we make the
(18:28):
betrayal mean about who we areand what we're worth.
And oftentimes these narrativescome way before the betrayal
even shows up and then itbecomes this shameful secret
that we hide and tuck under therug and pray that nobody ever
(18:50):
finds out about, because thenthe world will know just how
much we suck as a partner and alover and a wife or a girlfriend
or whatever that we could not,you know, keep our person um
faithful.
(19:10):
And you, I mean this is thething that nobody ever really
fucking talks about, because youknow we're supposed to be these
strong, independent, confidentwomen that you know don't need
all this external validation,that who aren't insecure and who
aren't jealous.
There's all these rules we needto play by, but inside there's
(19:30):
just this vulnerable mess ofemotions that we have no safe
place to really express.
And you know, making this meansomething about what you're
worth as a woman and as a humanis very real in this process and
in this experience, and, youknow, until we kind of feel, you
(20:00):
know, I think we need to changethe narrative when it comes to
how we experience these types ofrelationships and betrayals in
our lives, because I think weneed to start giving people
permission for all the feelingsand all the doubts and all the
meanings and the associationsthat we attach to it.
(20:22):
It is so messy, it's not clean,it's not clean at all.
It's not as simple to say isthe moment you find out that
he's cheating is the moment thatyou leave?
It is not that simple and Ithink that's a lot of pressure
Because we're going to movethrough self-doubt, uncertainty,
we're not sure, we're not clearthat you know whether or not
(20:43):
the cheating happened.
Maybe it's a hunch, maybe wedon't have real concrete
evidence, maybe we're denyingthe concrete evidence, maybe
everything is making it meansomething about ourselves that
we just don't want to accept.
We need to start havingconversations just how complex
these experiences are and thenreally trying to understand how
(21:05):
complex the decisions that wemake as a result of these
experiences.
They're not cookie cutter.
They are anything but simple.
They are messy as fuck and theywill bring up so much of your
own internal self-worth issuesthat I can probably bet you
(21:30):
there's a ton of women out thereand maybe you're one of them
who is pretending that theinfidelity never happened, who
is so desperately trying to hideit because you're afraid of
what people are going to thinkof you and what they're going to
say about you behind your back,and that they're going to think
(21:53):
, oh see, it wasn't good enough,so he had to go someplace else
to get it.
Because that is a very, veryreal thought that we have when
we go through these experiences.
So, rather than out ourselvesand out our experience, we
choose to pretend that it neverhappened and maintain our
(22:13):
picture perfect relationship,partnership, marriage, whatever
for the sake of not lettingpeople have the same realization
that we are not having aboutourselves, which is that we're
not enough.
So, if you're somebody who has,you know, moved through
(22:37):
infidelity, betrayal, you'veexperienced this, but you're
whether you're trying to deny itor you're idly sitting back and
letting the betrayal happen andnot acknowledging it and
choosing to just kind of sweepit under the rug and pretend
that it's not there I want toask you to ask yourself why,
(22:59):
choosing to just kind of sweepit under the rug and pretend
that it's not there?
I want to ask you to askyourself why.
What is it that you're hiding?
What is it that you're ashamedof?
What are you protecting withinyourself by keeping this truth
hidden?
Because, let me tell you, youhave nothing to be ashamed of.
You have not done anythingwrong, and this has nothing to
(23:20):
do with you not being enough ornot being good enough, or hot
enough, or sexy enough or youknow whatever enough.
This is everything to do with abreakdown in your relationship.
This is this is showing you,not that it is not to say that
this is your fault, but this isshowing you.
Maybe some of say that this isyour fault, but this is showing
you maybe some of the beliefsthat you hold about yourself
(23:44):
that may be attracting unhealthyrelationships into your
experience, and the beliefs thatare being triggered are the
very beliefs that you need tolook at, that are doing the
attracting for you on yourbehalf.
Because the first thought thatwe have here's how I always like
to interpret it the woman who'sself-assured and knows her
(24:06):
worth and knows her value, canlook at the situation and be
like, yeah, nope, I'm out ofhere.
The woman who struggles to seeher worth, struggles to see her
value, always struggles to feellike she's enough, will always
say what the fuck did I do wrong?
How did I?
How was I not enough for thisperson?
(24:27):
What didn't they like about me?
Why didn't I?
Why couldn't I please them?
Why could, why couldn't I bethe kind of woman that they
would desire to be with?
And that is your first clue asto where your work is to do.
(24:50):
And I mean, I know it's noteasy work, but let me just tell
you you will thank yourself fordoing the work one day, I
promise you, because this is nothow love was meant to be
experienced.
(25:10):
These are the things that helpus evolve, certainly, but this
isn't the carrot at the end.
It's so, not the carrot at theend.
So I'm going to leave you withthat today.
So where are you hiding the mess?
(25:31):
Where are you not being honestwith yourself or the people
around you about owning your ownbetrayal, your own heartbreak,
your own experience withinfidelity?
And why, and that's the moreimportant question why are you
(25:54):
not being honest?
What is the truth or the beliefthat you're avoiding by hiding
all of this messiness that keepsyou going and oscillating
between, oh my God, I'm going toleave him.
No, I'm going to stay.
I'm going to leave him.
I'm going to say no, I'm goingto pretend it never happened.
No, we're fine.
Look see, we're happy, becausethis was my reality for seven
years.
So if you are caught in thatsame reality, what are you not
(26:21):
owning and being honest about,and why?
What is the feeling or thebelief that you're avoiding in
that process?
Let me know,mariaatthefemcoachcom, or you
can DM me at the Femcast and letme know there.
Dm me at the femcast and let meknow there.
If you love this episode,please leave a positive rating
(26:42):
and review on Apple Podcasts orSpotify or wherever you're
seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
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