Are you always adjusting, accommodating, and putting everyone else first… only to feel unseen, underappreciated, and emotionally drained?
If so, this episode of The Femme Cast is your wake-up call.
Because being “too convenient” in your relationships isn’t loving—it’s self-abandonment in disguise.
In this deep and unfiltered conversation, I pull back the curtain on the trauma-driven pattern of self-sacrifice, and how the fear of being abandoned by others often stems from a deeper, more painful truth: we abandoned ourselves first.
From caregiving burnout to the endless to-do lists that never seem to include you, I share the raw and real stories from my own life—because I know how easy it is to lose yourself when you're constantly showing up for everyone else.
Inside this episode, we explore:
🎤 Why the fear of abandonment is really a lack of safety within yourself
🎤 How being “convenient” trains people to disregard your needs
🎤 The energetic message you're unknowingly sending out that says: “I don’t matter.”
🎤 How people-pleasing is a trauma response rooted in survival, not love
🎤 The exact moment I realized my own self-worth was on the back burner—and how I changed it
🎤 How to begin rewriting this pattern so you no longer trade your needs for temporary approval
🎤 Why the people who truly love and value you will stay—even when you start saying no
This episode is a must-listen if you're ready to stop waiting for someone else to choose you, prioritize you, or validate your worth.
Because the truth is: your healing begins the moment you decide to choose yourself—every single time.
If this episode hits home, share it with a sister who needs it. Let’s unlearn the patterns that kept us small and start creating relationships where we actually feel seen, held, and chosen.
You matter. Your needs matter.
And it's time the world around you starts reflecting that back.
Are you healing from cheating? Betrayal? A heartbreak that not only broke your heart but broke your life?
If so, join me for She Rises: A FREE & LIVE 90-minute healing and activation experience for the woman ready to alchemize the pain of lies, betrayal, and being cheated on into unapologetic power, radiant confidence, and the woman she was always meant to be.
Betrayal doesn’t get the final word — you do.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys.
What is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
Is my mic on correctly?
Yeah, it is.
So some exciting thingshappening this month on the
Femcast.
I just released last week, myfirst channeled or intuitive
healing or activation message.
(00:20):
This is something that's beenon my heart to do for quite some
time and I'm so proud of myselffor finally doing it, because
it felt.
It literally felt like this isnot safe to put out into the
world, and so that's how I knewI needed to put it out into the
world.
So whether this becomes aregular thing, who knows?
We'll see.
Um, but let me know what youthink.
I even put some ASMR sounds inthe background to make it a nice
(00:42):
healing and relaxing experience.
I even put some ASMR sounds inthe background to make it a nice
healing and relaxing experience.
So let me know if you haven'thad to listen to that.
You can check it out atthefemcastcom.
And also we are bringing backthe she Rises Masterclass, the
Healing and Activation for womenwho have been lied to, betrayed
, cheated on or manipulatedPowerful, powerful healing and
(01:04):
activation.
We're bringing it back inSeptember.
More details to come on that Irealize August was probably not
the best time to do that, sosorry, but it felt like the
right thing to do at the time.
Okay, so today we are talkingabout the hidden cost of being
too convenient in yourrelationship and what that
really says about you.
(01:24):
We're going to dive deep intothis abandonment wound right and
how we self-abandon in order toprotect ourselves from being
abandoned by others around us.
And the funny thing aboutabandonment and self-abandonment
as a pattern and I actuallylearned this from Amy Fiedler,
(01:45):
who was a guest on the show, Ithink it was last year, the year
before amazing, amazing,amazing human.
What she, the perspective sheoffered, and I was like whoa is,
you know, when we are fearingabandonment from other people,
it's because we've alreadyabandoned ourselves.
(02:05):
We don't feel supported by us,we don't feel like we have our
back, we don't feel grounded andsafe and provided for and
protected.
We keep self-abandoningourselves to cater to other
people, to avoid being abandonedfrom them.
But if we were to just stopabandoning ourselves and be
there for ourselves and holdourselves and ground ourselves
(02:26):
and support ourselves, wewouldn't have this fear of
abandonment.
Now, obviously, the fear ofabandonment is a trauma response
.
We're going to talk about that,but just something to create.
You know, trauma is healed bycreating safety.
And how do we create safety forourselves?
We stop abandoning, we supportourselves, we ground ourselves.
(02:46):
We create our own safety andstability first.
Right, that has to come first.
We can't depend on other peopleto do that for us.
So that's just a little tangentright off the start.
I love when that happens.
Okay, so let's talk about thehidden cost of being convenient,
right, too convenient.
And this is very much a traumaresponse.
(03:09):
It comes from the fear of beingabandoned and rejected.
And maybe, you know, at somepoint in our lives you know, if
we weren't convenient, if wedidn't accommodate other
people's needs, if we didn't putour needs on the back burner,
put our needs on the back burner, if we didn't prioritize
everybody else's schedules,priorities you know agendas, you
(03:35):
know, maybe that left usfeeling like we were abandoned
or that we risked beingabandoned, right.
And so what we've learned,especially if you're a people
pleaser, is to be convenient, tobe accommodating, to be easy,
to be flexible and to constantly, constantly adjust ourselves,
our needs, our schedules, ourpriorities, in order to make
sure that everyone else's aremet before ours.
(03:58):
Right, again, totally a traumaresponse, totally rooted in
survival and in the fear ofabandonment, response totally
rooted in survival and in thefear of abandonment.
But what we obviously end updoing when we do these things is
we abandon ourselves in theprocess, we abandon our needs,
we abandon our priorities, weabandon what we've set out to
(04:18):
accomplish, we abandon ourselvesin every way, shape or form.
And basically, what we'resaying and this is what's
happening literally at anenergetic level, okay, at an
energetic level what we'resaying to ourselves is you don't
matter, you don't matter.
Everyone else's needs comefirst, you come last, and that's
(04:40):
just the way it is.
And then, in doing so, we'reactually putting that message
out energetically.
And now other people arevibrationally picking up on this
.
So they're picking up on oh,when I'm with her, my needs come
first.
Oh, when I'm with her, my needsget taken care of first.
When I'm with her, her needsare on the back burner and mine
(05:04):
are always front and center.
Right, we're literally sendingthat message out into the world
and into the relationshipsaround us.
Right, and you know many of us,you know we grow up thinking
that this is the loving thing todo, that this is what love
(05:25):
looks like.
This is what it looks like tolove someone, to care for
someone, to nurture someone isto constantly put ourselves on
the back burner while we takecare of their needs and take
care of their wants, and takecare of their desires and take
care of whatever it is, whatevertheir priorities are, that are
going on and making that thepriority and constantly leaving
(05:47):
ourselves lost in our to-do list.
And if you don't believe me,don't believe me.
Hands up.
Not that I can see you, but hey, it's fun.
Hands up if you have a likeastronomical to-do list and
you're constantly leaving yourwhat you need to do for yourself
to the end, right?
(06:09):
So it's like you have all the Ihave to do groceries, I have to
clean out the fridge, I have todo this, I have to go get this
printed, I got to get thesecopies, I got to get this
paperwork done, I got to filethis with the accountant, I got
to do that and then, once thatis all done, I'll give myself a
mani-pedi.
You know what I mean?
Like it's like that gets to bethe reward at the end after
we've accomplished everythingelse.
And maybe not everything onthat list is someone else's
(06:31):
priority, but it's the thingsthat you know.
Maybe it's the things that wethink that we have to do in
order to be productive right, inorder to be accomplished right,
and there could be prep mealsfor the family, there could be
take care of the laundry.
There could be, you know, makesure that you know their bags
(06:52):
are packed on time, or make surethey get to their board meeting
on time, or make sure they have.
You know everything, you knowthey.
You know what I mean.
Like there's so many ways thatwe can prioritize everyone
else's needs before our own.
I'll give you an example from mylife.
You take it or leave it.
I'm a caregiver for my parents,right?
So both of them are dealingwith a thousand health issues
(07:16):
all at the same time, and thereis never a dull moment, and for
the longest time, and I thinkI'm.
I'm not going to speak for mysister, but I can probably tell
you that she's in the same boat.
Again, I won't speak for her,but I'm pretty sure.
So you know, and we go throughthis or this I don't even know
(07:42):
what you call it this experienceof being caregivers for our
parents, right?
And I'm speaking for myself now, as a caregiver.
The list of things that I needto do for them are astronomical.
Make sure you know theirprescriptions are in blister
packs.
Make sure I'm keeping track ofwhat blister packs they're on so
I know when to order moreprescriptions.
(08:02):
Make sure that I call thepharmacy to make sure they have
the repeats that they need inorder to fill the next
prescription.
Making sure that you knowthere's nothing that they have
access to that they can fallover or trip on or set the burn
the house down, you know.
Making sure that my mom takesher walker everywhere so she
doesn't have another fall andhave another fracture right.
(08:23):
Making sure that they'regetting their physio.
Making sure that the PSWs arecoming to wash and bathe them on
a regular schedule.
Figuring that schedule out itis an endless list.
I'm literally this is just thetip of the iceberg right, and
this is what happens when peopleget older and they don't have
the cognition that they used tohave.
(08:44):
They don't have the mentalwherewithal that they used to
have and they certainly don'thave the physical capability
that they used to have.
Right, that we can, kind of youknow how we can continue it and
(09:05):
how to best do it.
But you know, I think,ultimately, what I'm trying to
say here is because this hasbeen such an overwhelming
experience and really has kindof up-leveled in the last year.
What I can say for me eventhough I preach this shit all
day long like I will talk about,you know, self-love and
choosing yourself and puttingyourself first and putting your
needs first I will like I willsing this like off the rooftops
(09:31):
but even me, in that situationwhere I knew my parents needed
me and needed my support, Ifound myself doing just that.
I'm going to do all this thisweek.
I'm going to make sure I orderthe medication, I'm going to go
through their, their, theircupboards and see what they need
, and or do a grocery order andblah, blah, blah, blah and do
all these billion things.
And then maybe, just maybe, ifthere's some time left at the
(09:51):
end of the week, maybe I'll takemyself out for lunch, or maybe
I'll take myself for a mani-pedi.
And then, when that day camearound, I was so tired, I was
like, no, fuck it, I'm not doingit.
I was like I just need to rest.
And so, you know, it reallybecame a conscious choice, like
literally a conscious choice, tocheck in every day and ask
(10:14):
myself.
What is it that I need?
Number one, and where?
Where do I feel like I want tofulfill that need?
Where and how?
Right?
So if I need some R&R, where doI squeeze that into the
schedule?
And it's not about waitinguntil everyone else's needs are
taken care of so I can rest.
(10:35):
It's about fitting it in when Ifeel like I need it and would
be most supportive for me.
And sometimes I'm not going tolie, I am not going to lie.
There are certain things that Ido love to do after everything
else is done, because I justdon't want the weight of the
world hanging over me while I'mresting.
Right.
But at the same time, that isalso a mindset shift.
Like, think about that.
(10:56):
You feel the weight of theworld when you pause, taking
care of everybody else's needsin order to take care of one of
your own.
You know that says something initself, right?
Like we have to really start toput these things into
(11:18):
perspective.
Yes, we all haveresponsibilities.
Yes, we all have things to do.
No, I'm not telling you to leaveyour kids hungry or your
parents uncared for or neglectyour relationships.
No, that's not what I'm sayingat all.
What I'm saying is that youneed to be on your priorities
list.
Okay, you can't be goingthrough life making everyone
(11:39):
else the priority, beingconvenient, being accommodating,
um, being flexible to whateveryone else wants and needs
from you, and constantly puttingyour needs on the back burner.
Because when you do that, I canguarantee you.
I can guarantee you right now,in your relationships, you are
feeling unseen, undervalued,unappreciated.
(12:01):
You feel like everyone takesadvantage of you.
You feel like nobody caresabout what you need or what or
how you're feeling.
You're feeling completelyinvisible.
You're wanting to act out.
You keep doing more, hopingthey'll realize hey, let me do
something for you.
You've done so much for me.
That is never going to happenand I want you to let that sink
(12:23):
in for a second.
Okay, because this is very mucha codependent pattern.
We don't want to actually comeout and say what it is that we
need and ask for it, because wedon't want to be too much, we
don't want to be inconvenient,right?
So we constantly give and give,and give, and give, and give
and give, and we hope that thegiving will give others an idea
(12:44):
of how we want to be loved andmaybe it'll inspire them to
start giving back.
It won't.
It won't.
Some may.
Okay, nine out of 10 times itwon't work.
Maybe there's the off chanceone person here or there might
be like oh you know what You'vegiven so much, let me give you
something in return.
Usually that is not whathappens.
Usually what ends up happeningis oh great, I'm so appreciative
(13:07):
, thanks so much, and can youalso do this, and can you also
get that?
Oh, and I love that you justcan you do this more?
The key to breaking this cycleof making yourself last like
literally making yourself tooconvenient for everybody else,
(13:28):
putting yourself last on yourto-do list, burning yourself out
in the process is to literallystart to put yourself to make
the conscious choice, toliterally start to put yourself
to make the conscious choice.
As uncomfortable as it might be, you make the conscious choice
(13:49):
to say no.
I am putting myself.
This, this, this right here onmy to-do list, is important.
I am putting it first, I amgoing to do it before I do
anything else, because it is soimportant to me, spiritually,
mentally, emotionally,physically, whether that is an
exercise routine, whether thatis a meal plan, whether that is
a daily practice, whether thatis, you know, polishing up your
(14:10):
resume and actually moving outof that, moving into that career
that you've been longing tomove into for so long?
You know whether it's you knowlooking long.
You know whether it's you knowlooking at.
You know what you want out ofthis relationship and spending
some time trying to reflect onwhether or not this is where you
want to be and if it's rightfor you.
And if it is, what are yougoing to do to move it forward?
Or if it's not, what are yougoing to do to take aligned
(14:35):
action?
Right, like you have to startto prioritize what it is that
you need, whether it's space,whether it is attention,
acknowledgement, validation,time, nurturing, you know,
whatever it is, you have tostart making that a priority.
And, yes, it will feeluncomfortable, yes, it will feel
(14:57):
awkward, especially, especially, when you have to say to
somebody I actually can't dothat for you right now because I
got to do something for me.
Oh, really, this, this was nota language I spoke for the
longest time, let me tell you,and even still to this day,
sometimes, like usually, I'mpretty good with it, but there
are times, depending on themagnitude of what it is I'm
(15:20):
saying no to right.
It always depends on themagnitude of what I'm saying no
to.
I think that's usually thedetermining factor.
There's still some things whereit's kind of like they make me
stutter, right, it's like I betthe fit.
So I can still feeluncomfortable sometimes, and
that's okay, and it gets stillfeel uncomfortable sometimes,
and that's okay.
And it gets to feeluncomfortable because when we're
(15:41):
actually in discomfort, itmeans we're actually changing a
pattern, we're actually creatingnew neural pathways that we're
not familiar with, that feelcompletely fucking new, and
that's exactly what we need tobe doing.
So, um, I invite you to givethat a try.
Now I just want to talk aboutyou know, we've talked about how
(16:02):
you know, when we keep puttingeach other you know, our other
people first and accommodatingtheir needs and being convenient
for everybody else, how we keepperpetuating this cycle.
Right, because we keepabandoning ourselves.
And so, in keeping withabandoning ourselves and
prioritizing everybody else'sneeds, we're constantly in the
sphere of abandonment.
And when we're perpetuating thesphere of abandonment, we're
accommodating more, we're beingmore convenient, we're
(16:25):
prioritizing their needs evenmore.
Do you see where it kind ofcreates this self-perpetuating
cycle?
So the only way to stop itagain is to make the conscious
decision to take care of ourneeds and face that fear of
abandonment head on.
(16:46):
And this might feel veryuncomfortable, it might feel
very confronting at first, andthat's okay, and it gets to be
okay, right.
And again, you know, when we'reworking through and healing
trauma, the important thing isto create safety around that
dysregulation that you mightfeel.
And when you're not justconforming to those illusions of
(17:12):
creating safety, those things,those actions that you've taken,
the decisions that you've madeup until this point that have
created this illusion of safety,now you're moving away from
them.
So now you feel unsafe.
So you have to create thatsafety within yourself, right?
So it's about making the choicethat aligns for you.
It's about putting your needsfirst, making yourself a
priority, accommodating what itis that you know you need most
(17:33):
on a day to day in order to beyour best and function as your
best, and making that thepriority and be willing to say
no to other responsibilities orrequests or, you know, be
willing to be inconvenient or bewilling to take up space or
communicate to others what it isthat you need, and to confront
those feelings, those fears ofabandonment that that might
(17:54):
bring up for you.
This person might leave me,this person might not love me
anymore If I'm not convenient.
What if they decide that they?
What if they go out there andfind somebody who is, who will
meet all their needs?
That is, that is veryfrightening in the beginning,
and I can remember, you know,really being forced to to, to
look at this fear.
You know, in my relationshipwhere I was, you know, betrayed,
(18:17):
there was this belief therethat she fulfilled needs in him
that I neglected to to to fill.
She made him a priority.
Maybe, you know, I didn't makehim enough of a priority.
Maybe that's where I failed.
I needed to prioritize him more.
I needed to accommodate more.
I needed to be more convenient,be more flexible, adhere to
(18:41):
what he needed and what he wasasking for.
Maybe none of that would havehappened.
And so that's where thatanxious attachment style kind of
, you know, exploded andexpanded right.
And so you know, after you know, coming out of that experience
and going into, you know, afterthat, you know, going in from
(19:01):
one toxic relationship to thenext trying to fill that void
and then just going on acomplete relationship hiatus.
One of the things that I reallyworked on was resisting this
urge to be convenient, resistingthis urge to be accommodating,
resisting this urge to becompletely flexible and
accommodating to everybodyelse's needs.
(19:22):
And it did feel uncomfortableand confronting at first and it
did feel like, ok, well, there'sa risk here.
There's a risk that if I don'tmeet their needs, they will
leave me.
If there's a risk here that ifI don't meet their needs, they
will find somebody else who will.
And you know, every time thatfear came up and it didn't have
(19:42):
to just be with relationships,it could be with work, it could
be with family, it could be withfriendships.
It could be with work, it couldbe with family, it could be
with friendships, it could bewith anybody.
But I think what ended uphappening was, you know, as that
fear came up, I would breathethrough it, I would acknowledge
it and I would allow it to movethrough me.
And the more I did this, theless power it had over me.
Because what I realized in thatprocess was, for the most part,
(20:03):
I was entirely safe.
These relationships althoughmaybe they didn't like the fact
that I was saying no for themost part the ones that were
valuable to me, that meantsomething to me that I wanted to
bring with me going forward inmy life, they didn't leave me.
Yeah, sure, they were a littleannoyed by the fact that
suddenly, I was always yes, yes,yes, yes, yes, I'm like.
(20:25):
No, you know, did that pissthem off a little, probably, you
know.
But that's okay and I can tellyou right now that the people
who love me, the people whomatter, the people who I want
with me in this life, they stuckaround and said all right, fine
, have your cake, I'll be overhere, you know, we'll make this
work.
(20:45):
And the people who didn't, theyweren't the people I wanted
around anyway, because as I, youknow, went through this
evolution, it became reallyclear to me who was in
relationship for me because theygenuinely cared about me and
wanted the best for me, and whowas just in relationship for
with me because of how I madethem feel when they were with me
and how they felt aboutthemselves when they were with
(21:06):
me and how the experience of,you know, being in my company
made them feel about who theywere in the world.
You know what I mean.
So it's like, did I really missthose people?
Not even a little, not even alittle.
And you know, it was such aneyeopening experience, and not
(21:27):
only did it get rid of thepeople who weren't authentically
there for me to be with me, tobe, um, to love me, to
appreciate me, to celebrate withme when things go well and to
to hold space for me when theydon't.
Um, you know, it completely,completely started to deter all
(21:47):
the people who weren't availablefor that.
Um, it amplified the people whowere and it also made me more
magnetic to more people whowould come in and truly love and
appreciate and value me and seeme for who I am.
And so was it hard at first?
Sure, yeah, but you know whatit's kind of like going to the
dentist Once you get in thatchair and he starts with that
(22:09):
drill and those picks yeah, it'sfucking annoying, but you know
what.
You get through it and then youhave this beautiful, clean,
bright, shiny smile when you'redone at the end of it.
So, you know, totally worth it.
I'll keep going to the dentist,it's all going to stop and it
(22:30):
was truly the best thing that Iever could have done for myself.
And yes, although sometimes,like I said, it still takes work
, especially when you know,sometimes you know the ask on
the other side or what's beingasked to be prioritized, you
know is of importance, andsometimes I do have to make that
decision to say you know what?
This is just too important toignore, so I am going to take
care of it.
I am going to give this theattention and the priority that
(22:52):
it deserves, but then I'm goingto come back and do my thing.
You know, we can always usediscernment.
It's not to say that we always,you know nothing.
Nothing anybody else needs evertakes greater importance than
what we're doing for ourselves.
That's not true.
Sometimes, you know, things dorequire our full attention and
that's okay.
The point is is that we're notby default, and I think this is
(23:16):
the point we're trying to make.
Let's move away from defaultingto their needs.
Come first.
I'll do my shit when I'm done.
Everything that they need right, or everything, everything
everyone else needs right.
Let's move away from that andlet's move to taking each ask,
each request, each need, eachdemand, one at a time, whether
it's their, someone else's orour own.
(23:37):
Let's assess each one anddecide does this need to take
priority now or does this needto take priority now?
We get a choice and as long aswe're consciously choosing what
takes priority and acknowledgingthat sometimes we need to come
first.
In order to be our best and showup as our best self and be able
(24:00):
to support our loved ones andbe everything that they need us
to be, we do need to prioritizeourselves first.
We absolutely do, or at leastsome things, you know, and we
can take each one, ask, eachtask, each requirement at a time
and make a call, and sometimes,maybe, their needs will come
(24:22):
first.
But I hope and this is my hopefor you, my hope is that
somewhere in there you find abalance where, yes, their needs
are important, but mine areimportant too.
So here's how I'm going to makethat.
Oh, there's like honking.
Yes, here's how I'm going tomake that happen where all our
needs are being met and everyoneis feeling valued and
(24:42):
appreciated, appreciated andsupported.
Right, so you have to be.
You might not always be thefirst thing on your to-do list,
but you need to be, like, in thetop five somewhere always.
And you know it'd be great iffour of those items were for you
(25:02):
and one of them were forsomeone else.
But you know, yeah, sure,there'll be times where four are
for others and one is for you,and that's okay.
The point is, again, we'remaking that conscious choice
every day to say what am I goingto make my priority today?
What is it that I need, what isit that everybody else needs
and what's truly important?
To prioritize first right andlook at it from a very balanced
(25:26):
perspective, with no judgment,not letting that fear of
abandonment make that decisionfor you right, where you're
constantly resorting toself-abandoning yourself.
Because, again, the more youcontinue to self-abandon, the
more you're going to feel thefear of abandonment of others.
The more you're going tocontinue to self-abandon, the
(25:46):
more you're going to feel thefear of abandonment of others,
the more you're going tocontinue to self-abandon Again,
that self-perpetuating cycle.
It needs to stop and that canonly happen when you start to
choose yourself, start to makeyourself the priority, feel the
discomfort that that might bringup for you and realize you've
been safe all along right,because nothing heals trauma
(26:08):
quite like safety, and that fearof abandonment and the
inclination to self-abandonmentis absolutely a trauma response.
So let me know how this landsfor you.
Let me know if you can relateto this wherever you're seeing
this.
If you got it in your email,you're seeing this on social
somewhere, let me know in thecomments or reply.
Hit that reply button and letme know.
(26:29):
And, of course, please, please,please, please, leave a
positive rating or review oniTunes or Spotify or wherever
the hell you're seeing thisUntil next time, you guys,
massive love.
Hey you guys.
What is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
Is my mic on correctly?
Yeah, it is.
So some exciting thingshappening this month on the
Femcast.
I just released last week, myfirst channeled or intuitive
healing or activation message.
(00:20):
This is something that's beenon my heart to do for quite some
time and I'm so proud of myselffor finally doing it, because
it felt.
It literally felt like this isnot safe to put out into the
world, and so that's how I knewI needed to put it out into the
world.
So whether this becomes aregular thing, who knows?
We'll see.
Um, but let me know what youthink.
I even put some ASMR sounds inthe background to make it a nice
(00:42):
healing and relaxing experience.
I even put some ASMR sounds inthe background to make it a nice
healing and relaxing experience.
So let me know if you haven'thad to listen to that.
You can check it out atthefemcastcom.
And also we are bringing backthe she Rises Masterclass, the
Healing and Activation for womenwho have been lied to, betrayed
, cheated on or manipulatedPowerful, powerful healing and
(01:04):
activation.
We're bringing it back inSeptember.
More details to come on that Irealize August was probably not
the best time to do that, sosorry, but it felt like the
right thing to do at the time.
Okay, so today we are talkingabout the hidden cost of being
too convenient in yourrelationship and what that
really says about you.
(01:24):
We're going to dive deep intothis abandonment wound right and
how we self-abandon in order toprotect ourselves from being
abandoned by others around us.
And the funny thing aboutabandonment and self-abandonment
as a pattern and I actuallylearned this from Amy Fiedler,
(01:45):
who was a guest on the show, Ithink it was last year, the year
before amazing, amazing,amazing human.
What she, the perspective sheoffered, and I was like whoa is,
you know, when we are fearingabandonment from other people,
it's because we've alreadyabandoned ourselves.
(02:05):
We don't feel supported by us,we don't feel like we have our
back, we don't feel grounded andsafe and provided for and
protected.
We keep self-abandoningourselves to cater to other
people, to avoid being abandonedfrom them.
But if we were to just stopabandoning ourselves and be
there for ourselves and holdourselves and ground ourselves
(02:26):
and support ourselves, wewouldn't have this fear of
abandonment.
Now, obviously, the fear ofabandonment is a trauma response
.
We're going to talk about that,but just something to create.
You know, trauma is healed bycreating safety.
And how do we create safety forourselves?
We stop abandoning, we supportourselves, we ground ourselves.
(02:46):
We create our own safety andstability first.
Right, that has to come first.
We can't depend on other peopleto do that for us.
So that's just a little tangentright off the start.
I love when that happens.
Okay, so let's talk about thehidden cost of being convenient,
right, too convenient.
And this is very much a traumaresponse.
(03:09):
It comes from the fear of beingabandoned and rejected.
And maybe, you know, at somepoint in our lives you know, if
we weren't convenient, if wedidn't accommodate other
people's needs, if we didn't putour needs on the back burner,
put our needs on the back burner, if we didn't prioritize
everybody else's schedules,priorities you know agendas, you
(03:35):
know, maybe that left usfeeling like we were abandoned
or that we risked beingabandoned, right.
And so what we've learned,especially if you're a people
pleaser, is to be convenient, tobe accommodating, to be easy,
to be flexible and to constantly, constantly adjust ourselves,
our needs, our schedules, ourpriorities, in order to make
sure that everyone else's aremet before ours.
(03:58):
Right, again, totally a traumaresponse, totally rooted in
survival and in the fear ofabandonment, response totally
rooted in survival and in thefear of abandonment.
But what we obviously end updoing when we do these things is
we abandon ourselves in theprocess, we abandon our needs,
we abandon our priorities, weabandon what we've set out to
(04:18):
accomplish, we abandon ourselvesin every way, shape or form.
And basically, what we'resaying and this is what's
happening literally at anenergetic level, okay, at an
energetic level what we'resaying to ourselves is you don't
matter, you don't matter.
Everyone else's needs comefirst, you come last, and that's
(04:40):
just the way it is.
And then, in doing so, we'reactually putting that message
out energetically.
And now other people arevibrationally picking up on this
.
So they're picking up on oh,when I'm with her, my needs come
first.
Oh, when I'm with her, my needsget taken care of first.
When I'm with her, her needsare on the back burner and mine
(05:04):
are always front and center.
Right, we're literally sendingthat message out into the world
and into the relationshipsaround us.
Right, and you know many of us,you know we grow up thinking
that this is the loving thing todo, that this is what love
(05:25):
looks like.
This is what it looks like tolove someone, to care for
someone, to nurture someone isto constantly put ourselves on
the back burner while we takecare of their needs and take
care of their wants, and takecare of their desires and take
care of whatever it is, whatevertheir priorities are, that are
going on and making that thepriority and constantly leaving
(05:47):
ourselves lost in our to-do list.
And if you don't believe me,don't believe me.
Hands up.
Not that I can see you, but hey, it's fun.
Hands up if you have a likeastronomical to-do list and
you're constantly leaving yourwhat you need to do for yourself
to the end, right?
(06:09):
So it's like you have all the Ihave to do groceries, I have to
clean out the fridge, I have todo this, I have to go get this
printed, I got to get thesecopies, I got to get this
paperwork done, I got to filethis with the accountant, I got
to do that and then, once thatis all done, I'll give myself a
mani-pedi.
You know what I mean?
Like it's like that gets to bethe reward at the end after
we've accomplished everythingelse.
And maybe not everything onthat list is someone else's
(06:31):
priority, but it's the thingsthat you know.
Maybe it's the things that wethink that we have to do in
order to be productive right, inorder to be accomplished right,
and there could be prep mealsfor the family, there could be
take care of the laundry.
There could be, you know, makesure that you know their bags
(06:52):
are packed on time, or make surethey get to their board meeting
on time, or make sure they have.
You know everything, you knowthey.
You know what I mean.
Like there's so many ways thatwe can prioritize everyone
else's needs before our own.
I'll give you an example from mylife.
You take it or leave it.
I'm a caregiver for my parents,right?
So both of them are dealingwith a thousand health issues
(07:16):
all at the same time, and thereis never a dull moment, and for
the longest time, and I thinkI'm.
I'm not going to speak for mysister, but I can probably tell
you that she's in the same boat.
Again, I won't speak for her,but I'm pretty sure.
So you know, and we go throughthis or this I don't even know
(07:42):
what you call it this experienceof being caregivers for our
parents, right?
And I'm speaking for myself now, as a caregiver.
The list of things that I needto do for them are astronomical.
Make sure you know theirprescriptions are in blister
packs.
Make sure I'm keeping track ofwhat blister packs they're on so
I know when to order moreprescriptions.
(08:02):
Make sure that I call thepharmacy to make sure they have
the repeats that they need inorder to fill the next
prescription.
Making sure that you knowthere's nothing that they have
access to that they can fallover or trip on or set the burn
the house down, you know.
Making sure that my mom takesher walker everywhere so she
doesn't have another fall andhave another fracture right.
(08:23):
Making sure that they'regetting their physio.
Making sure that the PSWs arecoming to wash and bathe them on
a regular schedule.
Figuring that schedule out itis an endless list.
I'm literally this is just thetip of the iceberg right, and
this is what happens when peopleget older and they don't have
the cognition that they used tohave.
(08:44):
They don't have the mentalwherewithal that they used to
have and they certainly don'thave the physical capability
that they used to have.
Right, that we can, kind of youknow how we can continue it and
(09:05):
how to best do it.
But you know, I think,ultimately, what I'm trying to
say here is because this hasbeen such an overwhelming
experience and really has kindof up-leveled in the last year.
What I can say for me eventhough I preach this shit all
day long like I will talk about,you know, self-love and
choosing yourself and puttingyourself first and putting your
needs first I will like I willsing this like off the rooftops
(09:31):
but even me, in that situationwhere I knew my parents needed
me and needed my support, Ifound myself doing just that.
I'm going to do all this thisweek.
I'm going to make sure I orderthe medication, I'm going to go
through their, their, theircupboards and see what they need
, and or do a grocery order andblah, blah, blah, blah and do
all these billion things.
And then maybe, just maybe, ifthere's some time left at the
(09:51):
end of the week, maybe I'll takemyself out for lunch, or maybe
I'll take myself for a mani-pedi.
And then, when that day camearound, I was so tired, I was
like, no, fuck it, I'm not doingit.
I was like I just need to rest.
And so, you know, it reallybecame a conscious choice, like
literally a conscious choice, tocheck in every day and ask
(10:14):
myself.
What is it that I need?
Number one, and where?
Where do I feel like I want tofulfill that need?
Where and how?
Right?
So if I need some R&R, where doI squeeze that into the
schedule?
And it's not about waitinguntil everyone else's needs are
taken care of so I can rest.
(10:35):
It's about fitting it in when Ifeel like I need it and would
be most supportive for me.
And sometimes I'm not going tolie, I am not going to lie.
There are certain things that Ido love to do after everything
else is done, because I justdon't want the weight of the
world hanging over me while I'mresting.
Right.
But at the same time, that isalso a mindset shift.
Like, think about that.
(10:56):
You feel the weight of theworld when you pause, taking
care of everybody else's needsin order to take care of one of
your own.
You know that says something initself, right?
Like we have to really start toput these things into
(11:18):
perspective.
Yes, we all haveresponsibilities.
Yes, we all have things to do.
No, I'm not telling you to leaveyour kids hungry or your
parents uncared for or neglectyour relationships.
No, that's not what I'm sayingat all.
What I'm saying is that youneed to be on your priorities
list.
Okay, you can't be goingthrough life making everyone
(11:39):
else the priority, beingconvenient, being accommodating,
um, being flexible to whateveryone else wants and needs
from you, and constantly puttingyour needs on the back burner.
Because when you do that, I canguarantee you.
I can guarantee you right now,in your relationships, you are
feeling unseen, undervalued,unappreciated.
(12:01):
You feel like everyone takesadvantage of you.
You feel like nobody caresabout what you need or what or
how you're feeling.
You're feeling completelyinvisible.
You're wanting to act out.
You keep doing more, hopingthey'll realize hey, let me do
something for you.
You've done so much for me.
That is never going to happenand I want you to let that sink
(12:23):
in for a second.
Okay, because this is very mucha codependent pattern.
We don't want to actually comeout and say what it is that we
need and ask for it, because wedon't want to be too much, we
don't want to be inconvenient,right?
So we constantly give and give,and give, and give, and give
and give, and we hope that thegiving will give others an idea
(12:44):
of how we want to be loved andmaybe it'll inspire them to
start giving back.
It won't.
It won't.
Some may.
Okay, nine out of 10 times itwon't work.
Maybe there's the off chanceone person here or there might
be like oh you know what You'vegiven so much, let me give you
something in return.
Usually that is not whathappens.
Usually what ends up happeningis oh great, I'm so appreciative
(13:07):
, thanks so much, and can youalso do this, and can you also
get that?
Oh, and I love that you justcan you do this more?
The key to breaking this cycleof making yourself last like
literally making yourself tooconvenient for everybody else,
(13:28):
putting yourself last on yourto-do list, burning yourself out
in the process is to literallystart to put yourself to make
the conscious choice, toliterally start to put yourself
to make the conscious choice.
As uncomfortable as it might be, you make the conscious choice
(13:49):
to say no.
I am putting myself.
This, this, this right here onmy to-do list, is important.
I am putting it first, I amgoing to do it before I do
anything else, because it is soimportant to me, spiritually,
mentally, emotionally,physically, whether that is an
exercise routine, whether thatis a meal plan, whether that is
a daily practice, whether thatis, you know, polishing up your
(14:10):
resume and actually moving outof that, moving into that career
that you've been longing tomove into for so long?
You know whether it's you knowlooking long.
You know whether it's you knowlooking at.
You know what you want out ofthis relationship and spending
some time trying to reflect onwhether or not this is where you
want to be and if it's rightfor you.
And if it is, what are yougoing to do to move it forward?
Or if it's not, what are yougoing to do to take aligned
(14:35):
action?
Right, like you have to startto prioritize what it is that
you need, whether it's space,whether it is attention,
acknowledgement, validation,time, nurturing, you know,
whatever it is, you have tostart making that a priority.
And, yes, it will feeluncomfortable, yes, it will feel
(14:57):
awkward, especially, especially, when you have to say to
somebody I actually can't dothat for you right now because I
got to do something for me.
Oh, really, this, this was nota language I spoke for the
longest time, let me tell you,and even still to this day,
sometimes, like usually, I'mpretty good with it, but there
are times, depending on themagnitude of what it is I'm
(15:20):
saying no to right.
It always depends on themagnitude of what I'm saying no
to.
I think that's usually thedetermining factor.
There's still some things whereit's kind of like they make me
stutter, right, it's like I betthe fit.
So I can still feeluncomfortable sometimes, and
that's okay, and it gets stillfeel uncomfortable sometimes,
and that's okay.
And it gets to feeluncomfortable because when we're
(15:41):
actually in discomfort, itmeans we're actually changing a
pattern, we're actually creatingnew neural pathways that we're
not familiar with, that feelcompletely fucking new, and
that's exactly what we need tobe doing.
So, um, I invite you to givethat a try.
Now I just want to talk aboutyou know, we've talked about how
(16:02):
you know, when we keep puttingeach other you know, our other
people first and accommodatingtheir needs and being convenient
for everybody else, how we keepperpetuating this cycle.
Right, because we keepabandoning ourselves.
And so, in keeping withabandoning ourselves and
prioritizing everybody else'sneeds, we're constantly in the
sphere of abandonment.
And when we're perpetuating thesphere of abandonment, we're
accommodating more, we're beingmore convenient, we're
(16:25):
prioritizing their needs evenmore.
Do you see where it kind ofcreates this self-perpetuating
cycle?
So the only way to stop itagain is to make the conscious
decision to take care of ourneeds and face that fear of
abandonment head on.
(16:46):
And this might feel veryuncomfortable, it might feel
very confronting at first, andthat's okay, and it gets to be
okay, right.
And again, you know, when we'reworking through and healing
trauma, the important thing isto create safety around that
dysregulation that you mightfeel.
And when you're not justconforming to those illusions of
(17:12):
creating safety, those things,those actions that you've taken,
the decisions that you've madeup until this point that have
created this illusion of safety,now you're moving away from
them.
So now you feel unsafe.
So you have to create thatsafety within yourself, right?
So it's about making the choicethat aligns for you.
It's about putting your needsfirst, making yourself a
priority, accommodating what itis that you know you need most
(17:33):
on a day to day in order to beyour best and function as your
best, and making that thepriority and be willing to say
no to other responsibilities orrequests or, you know, be
willing to be inconvenient or bewilling to take up space or
communicate to others what it isthat you need, and to confront
those feelings, those fears ofabandonment that that might
(17:54):
bring up for you.
This person might leave me,this person might not love me
anymore If I'm not convenient.
What if they decide that they?
What if they go out there andfind somebody who is, who will
meet all their needs?
That is, that is veryfrightening in the beginning,
and I can remember, you know,really being forced to to, to
look at this fear.
You know, in my relationshipwhere I was, you know, betrayed,
(18:17):
there was this belief therethat she fulfilled needs in him
that I neglected to to to fill.
She made him a priority.
Maybe, you know, I didn't makehim enough of a priority.
Maybe that's where I failed.
I needed to prioritize him more.
I needed to accommodate more.
I needed to be more convenient,be more flexible, adhere to
(18:41):
what he needed and what he wasasking for.
Maybe none of that would havehappened.
And so that's where thatanxious attachment style kind of
, you know, exploded andexpanded right.
And so you know, after you know, coming out of that experience
and going into, you know, afterthat, you know, going in from
(19:01):
one toxic relationship to thenext trying to fill that void
and then just going on acomplete relationship hiatus.
One of the things that I reallyworked on was resisting this
urge to be convenient, resistingthis urge to be accommodating,
resisting this urge to becompletely flexible and
accommodating to everybodyelse's needs.
(19:22):
And it did feel uncomfortableand confronting at first and it
did feel like, ok, well, there'sa risk here.
There's a risk that if I don'tmeet their needs, they will
leave me.
If there's a risk here that ifI don't meet their needs, they
will find somebody else who will.
And you know, every time thatfear came up and it didn't have
(19:42):
to just be with relationships,it could be with work, it could
be with family, it could be withfriendships.
It could be with work, it couldbe with family, it could be
with friendships, it could bewith anybody.
But I think what ended uphappening was, you know, as that
fear came up, I would breathethrough it, I would acknowledge
it and I would allow it to movethrough me.
And the more I did this, theless power it had over me.
Because what I realized in thatprocess was, for the most part,
(20:03):
I was entirely safe.
These relationships althoughmaybe they didn't like the fact
that I was saying no for themost part the ones that were
valuable to me, that meantsomething to me that I wanted to
bring with me going forward inmy life, they didn't leave me.
Yeah, sure, they were a littleannoyed by the fact that
suddenly, I was always yes, yes,yes, yes, yes, I'm like.
(20:25):
No, you know, did that pissthem off a little, probably, you
know.
But that's okay and I can tellyou right now that the people
who love me, the people whomatter, the people who I want
with me in this life, they stuckaround and said all right, fine
, have your cake, I'll be overhere, you know, we'll make this
work.
(20:45):
And the people who didn't, theyweren't the people I wanted
around anyway, because as I, youknow, went through this
evolution, it became reallyclear to me who was in
relationship for me because theygenuinely cared about me and
wanted the best for me, and whowas just in relationship for
with me because of how I madethem feel when they were with me
and how they felt aboutthemselves when they were with
(21:06):
me and how the experience of,you know, being in my company
made them feel about who theywere in the world.
You know what I mean.
So it's like, did I really missthose people?
Not even a little, not even alittle.
And you know, it was such aneyeopening experience, and not
(21:27):
only did it get rid of thepeople who weren't authentically
there for me to be with me, tobe, um, to love me, to
appreciate me, to celebrate withme when things go well and to
to hold space for me when theydon't.
Um, you know, it completely,completely started to deter all
(21:47):
the people who weren't availablefor that.
Um, it amplified the people whowere and it also made me more
magnetic to more people whowould come in and truly love and
appreciate and value me and seeme for who I am.
And so was it hard at first?
Sure, yeah, but you know whatit's kind of like going to the
dentist Once you get in thatchair and he starts with that
(22:09):
drill and those picks yeah, it'sfucking annoying, but you know
what.
You get through it and then youhave this beautiful, clean,
bright, shiny smile when you'redone at the end of it.
So, you know, totally worth it.
I'll keep going to the dentist,it's all going to stop and it
(22:30):
was truly the best thing that Iever could have done for myself.
And yes, although sometimes,like I said, it still takes work
, especially when you know,sometimes you know the ask on
the other side or what's beingasked to be prioritized, you
know is of importance, andsometimes I do have to make that
decision to say you know what?
This is just too important toignore, so I am going to take
care of it.
I am going to give this theattention and the priority that
(22:52):
it deserves, but then I'm goingto come back and do my thing.
You know, we can always usediscernment.
It's not to say that we always,you know nothing.
Nothing anybody else needs evertakes greater importance than
what we're doing for ourselves.
That's not true.
Sometimes, you know, things dorequire our full attention and
that's okay.
The point is is that we're notby default, and I think this is
(23:16):
the point we're trying to make.
Let's move away from defaultingto their needs.
Come first.
I'll do my shit when I'm done.
Everything that they need right, or everything, everything
everyone else needs right.
Let's move away from that andlet's move to taking each ask,
each request, each need, eachdemand, one at a time, whether
it's their, someone else's orour own.
(23:37):
Let's assess each one anddecide does this need to take
priority now or does this needto take priority now?
We get a choice and as long aswe're consciously choosing what
takes priority and acknowledgingthat sometimes we need to come
first.
In order to be our best and showup as our best self and be able
(24:00):
to support our loved ones andbe everything that they need us
to be, we do need to prioritizeourselves first.
We absolutely do, or at leastsome things, you know, and we
can take each one, ask, eachtask, each requirement at a time
and make a call, and sometimes,maybe, their needs will come
(24:22):
first.
But I hope and this is my hopefor you, my hope is that
somewhere in there you find abalance where, yes, their needs
are important, but mine areimportant too.
So here's how I'm going to makethat.
Oh, there's like honking.
Yes, here's how I'm going tomake that happen where all our
needs are being met and everyoneis feeling valued and
(24:42):
appreciated, appreciated andsupported.
Right, so you have to be.
You might not always be thefirst thing on your to-do list,
but you need to be, like, in thetop five somewhere always.
And you know it'd be great iffour of those items were for you
(25:02):
and one of them were forsomeone else.
But you know, yeah, sure,there'll be times where four are
for others and one is for you,and that's okay.
The point is, again, we'remaking that conscious choice
every day to say what am I goingto make my priority today?
What is it that I need, what isit that everybody else needs
and what's truly important?
To prioritize first right andlook at it from a very balanced
(25:26):
perspective, with no judgment,not letting that fear of
abandonment make that decisionfor you right, where you're
constantly resorting toself-abandoning yourself.
Because, again, the more youcontinue to self-abandon, the
more you're going to feel thefear of abandonment of others.
The more you're going tocontinue to self-abandon, the
(25:46):
more you're going to feel thefear of abandonment of others,
the more you're going tocontinue to self-abandon Again,
that self-perpetuating cycle.
It needs to stop and that canonly happen when you start to
choose yourself, start to makeyourself the priority, feel the
discomfort that that might bringup for you and realize you've
been safe all along right,because nothing heals trauma
(26:08):
quite like safety, and that fearof abandonment and the
inclination to self-abandonmentis absolutely a trauma response.
So let me know how this landsfor you.
Let me know if you can relateto this wherever you're seeing
this.
If you got it in your email,you're seeing this on social
somewhere, let me know in thecomments or reply.
Hit that reply button and letme know.
(26:29):
And, of course, please, please,please, please, leave a
positive rating or review oniTunes or Spotify or wherever
the hell you're seeing thisUntil next time, you guys,
massive love.
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