September 1, 2025 • 42 mins
What if the deepest betrayal you’ve ever experienced wasn’t a sign of your weakness, but the very initiation you needed into your most powerful transformation?
In this raw and deeply personal episode of The Femme Cast, I pull back the curtain on one of the most painful chapters of my life: discovering infidelity, staying longer than I “should have,” and carrying the crushing shame that came with both. Not just the shame of being betrayed, but the insidious shame of staying—even when my intuition was screaming at me to leave.
For years, I hid my story. I cringed at the thought of admitting how long I stayed. I ignored the signs, made excuses, and silenced my inner voice because saying it out loud would mean I could no longer pretend it wasn’t happening. I was humiliated by what others might think, and even more devastated by what I thought it meant about me.
But here’s what I’ve learned on the other side: betrayal isn’t proof of your unworthiness. It’s often the wake-up call you didn’t know you needed. It reveals the ways you’ve been betraying yourself, teaches you radical self-trust, and sets you up for a chapter of life you could never step into otherwise.
In this episode, I share:
🎤 How I moved through the shame of staying as long as I did (and falling for the lies).
🎤 Why betrayal can be the catalyst for building unshakeable self-trust.
🎤 The real reason you don’t leave until you’re ready—and why that’s okay.
🎤 How to stop blaming yourself and finally release the shame that keeps you stuck.
🎤 Why staying may have been exactly what you needed to walk away empowered, never looking back.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why did I stay so long?” or felt the weight of embarrassment for not leaving sooner, this conversation will set you free. You’ll walk away with a fresh perspective that allows you to let yourself off the hook, see your strength through the pain, and embrace betrayal as the portal to your becoming.
Because healing doesn’t happen when society tells you to leave—it happens when you’re ready to step into a life where you will never again abandon yourself.
Are you healing from cheating? Betrayal? A heartbreak that not only broke your heart but broke your life?
If so, join me for She Rises: A FREE & LIVE 90-minute healing and activation experience for the woman ready to alchemize the pain of lies, betrayal, and being cheated on into unapologetic power, radiant confidence, and the woman she was always meant to be.
Betrayal doesn’t get the final word — you do.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to
the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
Welcome if you're new.
Today we're talking about how Imoved through the shame of
betrayal, the shame that I feltfor being betrayed on and the
shame especially that I felt forstaying as long as I did and
for believing the lies, themanipulation.
(00:21):
And you know there was so muchwrapped, so much shame wrapped
up in that experience that youknow, for the longest time you
know going through it and youknow recognizing that there was
a long period of just kind ofbeing in denial and you know,
wanting not to believe what Iknew in my body was true.
(00:45):
Um, so there was, you know,that long period of denial where
I didn't want to believe it.
And then you know, when Ifinally came to the realization
I'd been lying to myself thiswhole time, you know.
Then you know it was doublewhammy, shame.
It was shame that, you know, I,you know he didn't love me
enough to stay faithful to me,that I wasn't enough for him to
be faithful to me and I was.
(01:06):
There was shame in that.
Then there was also shame in,you know, being in denial for as
long as I was and falling forthe lies and falling the
manipulate, falling for themanipulation, and you know, to
the point where I never toldanybody what was happening like
not even my closest family andfriends was happening.
Like not not even my closestfamily and friends really knew.
(01:27):
I mean, I think really, my momand my sister knew very like
like high level details, but youknow, it wasn't anything that I
was able to really talk aboutand that was because I had so
much shame in me, like I was soashamed of myself.
For for again, for um, you know, feeling like I somehow failed
(01:51):
the relationship.
If um, you know, he betrayed me, it was somehow my
responsibility, it was my notgood enough-ness, it was my
unworthiness, it was somethingabout me that was inherently
wrong that led to the betrayalright.
And then also, you know, on theother side and I think probably
the harder one was stickingaround for as long as I did and
(02:12):
being in denial for as long as Iwas.
I think there was more shamearound that than anything else.
And you know, for the longesttime, when I did the math on how
long I stayed and how much timeI wasted and how much energy
and effort I put in to try torepair this relationship.
(02:33):
Like I would cringe every timeI did the girl math on this,
Like I literally wanted to vomitin my own shame.
And I don't think, you know,when I look back now, I don't
think I actually talked toanyone really about what
happened until years later.
(02:54):
Even to this day, like when Italk about it on my podcast, my
family and friends are like yo,dude, like why did you say
anything Like we didn't know,like it was that, like you were
going through that or that youwere feeling that way or you
were thinking that way.
And it's like why did you sayanything Like we didn't know,
like it was that, like you weregoing through that or that you
were feeling that way or youwere thinking that way.
And it's like I didn't evenknow how to articulate what I
was thinking or feeling at thetime.
And that was because you knowthat was a byproduct of being
somebody who suppressed heremotions so much.
(03:15):
Right, and you know it's why Ido what I do now.
But you know, I think that whenI started to tell people, you
know there was this part of methat again, you know, going back
to the shame.
I think I knew that.
If I say this out loud, like ifI say, because, again, you know
(03:38):
, like you know, for me, I'm notgoing to say it was unique, but
it was, it had its own kind ofnuance, right, I'm not going to
say it was unique, but it was,it had its own kind of nuance,
right, in the sense that youknow, there were so many signs
that were the betrayal washappening, but I had no
confession, I had no smoking gun.
You know, technically, Like Imean, yeah, you could say that a
(04:00):
lot of the evidence that I wasseeing was hearsay, but like,
like you'd have to be like, likeeven I remember telling a
friend of mine, um, well, afterthe fact, they're like she was
like, well, what were the signs?
You know, like, what were thesigns that that you saw that he
was cheating and and like, howdid it all unfold?
And so I kind of took herthrough, like the chronological
(04:23):
order of you know, the signs andthe situations that were
happening and how they wereunfolding and how I came to the
realization that you know therewas betrayal in my relationship.
And she looked at me and shesaid, like you know, why did you
?
Why like?
Why did you?
Why did you doubt it?
I was.
I was waiting for for proof.
(04:44):
I was waiting for a confession.
I was waiting to be sure.
She's like what did you doubtit?
I was waiting for proof.
I was waiting for a confession.
I was waiting to be sure.
She's like what did you need inorder to be sure?
Like, did you need, like a neonlight?
Like to hit you over the headwith it.
She's like oh my God, like Icould get into all the signs now
.
But you know, the last thingthat I want to do is create a
(05:06):
frenzy of women who think thattheir partner is cheating on
them because of you know myexperience.
You know my experience.
Some of the behaviors and thepatterns I might've seen in my
situation might be normal andsomebody else's and might not
mean a damn thing, but becausethey were so out of the ordinary
(05:30):
for what I had experienced inthis relationship, because the
behavior was so out of leftfield and unlike the person that
I knew, and because, you know,everything kind of happened
simultaneously with a wholebunch of other things that were
going on in the relationship, itdidn't take a rocket scientist
(05:52):
to figure it out.
But I will say and I've saidthis again time and time again
on the show is that you know, abig part, I think, of why I
experienced the betrayal thatthe way that I did, and why
there was never that evidence, Ithink, for me, that hardcore,
concrete evidence that I couldfirmly say, okay, I'm out, like
(06:12):
you know, I've got all that Ineed, I've got it in writing,
I've got it right here in aphoto, whatever video, a
screenshot, you know, a scandal,like video text message that
goes viral.
You know what I mean.
The reason I think I didn'thave any of that was because,
again, I do believe thatbetrayal, when it happens to you
(06:35):
, shakes you to the very coreand the foundation of who you
are and it shows you all theways that you're betraying
yourself and it also, I think,elevates you to a level Like it
prepares you for the ways thatyou're betraying yourself and it
also, I think, elevates you toa level like it prepares you for
that next level.
So who are you when you stopbetraying yourself?
Who do you get to become, andhow is this experience preparing
you for that next level versionof yourself?
(06:56):
I really needed to master andembody self-trust and that's
part of what I'm doing now.
You know, like if I didn't havefull trust in myself, if I
wasn't able to fully embodyself-trust and trusting my
intuition and trusting what Ifeel, what I sense and what I
know is true in my body, Icouldn't do the work that I do,
(07:18):
you know.
So I needed to really masterthat skill.
So it was part showing me whereI was betraying myself and part
preparing me for that momentwhen I was ready to stop the
self, stop with the selfbetrayal and really just choose
myself and move forward.
You know, and again you know,all the proof and the validation
(07:38):
that I needed came after I madethe decision.
You know, people startedmessaging me, reaching out to me
, letting me know what washappening that I didn't see
because I either wasn't in theroom, um, or, you know, didn't
know about.
You know, certainextracurricular people that were
in my relationship, right,additional parties that I was
(07:59):
not aware of, um, you know,reached out to me and let me
know, so what was happening andreally validated everything that
up until like the last fewyears, everything that I knew in
my body was true, but Icouldn't prove, and I think that
you know, because I couldn'tprove it.
(08:19):
I think there was a part of methat, well, if there's no proof,
I can easily just convincemyself that it's not true.
You know, and go intoself-denial and self-betrayal,
even though I knew in my body itwas true, I knew, I knew there
were so many, there were so many.
You could feel it happeningenergetically and again, like I
stressed this, I've said thisbefore I was never somebody.
(08:41):
I'd never accused anybody thatI'd ever been with any one of my
partners, I'd never accusedanybody of being unfaithful to
me.
This was the first time I hadgone through this experience and
when I came to that firstmoment of realization, it
literally shook the groundbeneath me, like is this
actually happening?
Like is this real?
And so it took me a minuteright to really, um, accept that
(09:07):
.
And I think you know there was.
There was again, so many reasonsthat you know I, I didn't want
to say it out loud.
One if I said it out loud andif I told people the signs and
the synchronicities that I wasseeing that it was happening,
then I would have to believe it.
You know, I couldn't live indenial anymore because deep down
I knew, like girl, you are, youcrazy.
(09:28):
It's like you know what'shappening, it's there, you can
see it, right, and again, it's ashame.
Also, you know, if I were totell people what I was seeing,
what I was experiencing, what Iwas feeling, it would be the
shame that you know.
Coming to the realization thatmy you know, my person that I
was in relationship with wasunfaithful to me, this person
(09:51):
that I trusted, like I felt sofoolish, like I trusted this
person with my life, like I was,like, completely.
I never doubted their love forme, I never doubted the
relationship, I never doubtedthe longevity, I never doubted
the longevity of therelationship.
So, when it happened, I wascompletely blindsided and I felt
shame for that.
(10:11):
And then I felt shame for howlong I stayed, you know, and put
up with it and lived in thatdenial, even though I knew what
was happening.
Right, all of it, all of it, Ido believe, was by divine design
.
So, and I will say this, like ifyou're somebody who is
struggling with the shame ofbeing betrayed in a relationship
(10:37):
, who's struggling with theshame of how long it took you to
actually accept it and make adecision, and maybe you still
haven't accepted it, maybeyou're still in there and you're
still trying to make it workand you're still in the denial
phase.
Or maybe you're ready to leave,or maybe you've already left
but still feeling the shame ofhow long you stayed, tried to
(11:00):
make it work, tried to believewhat they were saying instead of
taking what you knew internallyto be true.
If there's any part of youthat's feeling shame in that, I
really want you to hear me,because this is how I shifted,
the shame that I felt, and nowI'm able to talk about it with
you guys today.
Otherwise I wouldn't be able toum, because for the longest
(11:23):
time, I did hold shame in this,and that was this I think when
we talk about, you know,betrayal, trauma, and and what
it does, and and to you, and howit shifts your life in terms of
, number one, showing you whereyou're betraying yourself and,
number two, preparing you forthat next stage in your life,
that next, that next chapterthat you're, that this
relationship is literally tryingto catapult you into.
(11:46):
Once you stop with theself-betrayal which is what I do
think, what happens, andsometimes those relationships do
get to stay, sometimes theydon't.
It depends.
I've done an episode before onshould I stay or should I go?
When is the right time to leavea relationship after infidelity
?
When do you leave?
When do you stay and try andwork it out?
(12:07):
When is it time to hightail itout of there?
You know, because you knowevery experience is nuanced.
I don't believe that you knowevery relationship ends after
betrayal.
I believe we all make mistakesand nobody's perfect, but it
really depends on how bothparties are coming to the
conversation and how they'redealing with the betrayal.
(12:29):
That makes a difference as towhether or not this is something
that you can move through as acouple or if it's time to
hightail it out of there andmove on and get into that next
chapter.
Right, so there's that.
But if you're somebody who, likeI said, you know you're, you
either either just move througha betrayal or you've been moving
(12:49):
through betrayal, whetheryou've left, or contemplating
leaving or whatever thatbetrayal is happened to show you
how you had been betrayingyourself.
So in the events leading up tothat betrayal, where were you
letting yourself down?
Where were you putting yourselfon a back burner?
Where were you deprioritizingyour needs, your dreams, your
(13:12):
goals, your ambitions to makethis relationship the center,
focus of your life?
That's usually.
That's usually when thesebetrayals come to rock us.
I know, I know that I hadcompletely given my power away
to this relationship.
I trusted him blindly.
I, you know, made thisrelationship the central focus
(13:35):
of my life.
My who, I was, my identity, mypurpose, my future was all
wrapped around this person.
The relationship took centerfocus for me.
It was my number one priorityin my life and that, you know,
that's when it becomes dangerous, because that's when you
(13:57):
literally disappear into therelationship, right, you become
this hazy mirage right in yourown life, while this
relationship and this person istaking center stage and center
priority, right?
So there's shame in that.
Then there's the shame in, youknow, realizing how wrong you
(14:18):
were right.
So, in letting go of that shame,of how wrong I was about this
person, again it comes back toacknowledging this experience
for me and what it was meant todo.
This experience was teaching meto trust myself.
This experience was teaching meto no longer abandon myself and
(14:42):
to trust myself, moving forward, to trust what my feelings were
telling me, to trust what mybody was telling me, beyond what
I could see or hear from himand from just life in general.
I needed to be able to separateand listen to my own inner
(15:02):
knowing and trust that fully.
And so it took a long time forme to get there, like it took a
long time for that evolution toactually happen.
Because, you know, finding out,realizing what was happening,
feeling the embarrassment, theshame and the humiliation that
it was happening.
(15:23):
And then you know going backand forth from denial to anger
to acceptance, to back to denialand back to anger, and you know
, like it was just this rollercoaster, this period of just
like like going back and forthbetween self-trust, self-doubt,
(15:45):
self-loathing, self-blame, andit took a long time.
It took many layers of healingand rebuilding and tearing, you
know, being torn back down again, to have to rebuild again in
order for this muscle, thisself-trust, this belief in
myself, to really really reallybecome solid, to really become
(16:10):
something you know, to flex themuscle enough so that it was
strong enough to really hold memoving forward right.
And so it took a long time andyou know how I've let go of a
lot of that shame.
First, the shame of the betrayal, you know, was that this was
(16:31):
supporting me.
This betrayal was trying towake me up from how I was
betraying myself all this timein the relationship and how I
had turned my back on myself andthat relationship was literally
trying to mirror to me how Ihad turned my back on me, right?
So you know whether people willsay, yeah, but you know what,
(16:56):
maybe if I had shown updifferently, the betrayal
wouldn't have happened, orwhatever.
You know, none of us areperfect.
We're all messy, like I think Isaid this in a previous episode
, right, we all have our shit.
We all have stuff in a healthyrelationship, in a healthy,
emotionally mature relationship.
You will Talk about it.
You will try and work thingsout.
(17:17):
You will address the issues.
You will.
You know might be messy, youmight fuck it up.
You might try and work thingsout.
You will address the issues youwill.
You know it might be messy, youmight fuck it up, you might
make a few mistakes, but youknow you'll find a way to work
through it In this relationship,whatever problems.
You know.
However, way I was showing up,that was maybe triggering for
him or making him feel less.
You know less than, or you knowso less.
(17:43):
You know less than, or you knowwhatever the case was, instead
of him coming to me and talkingto me and working things through
with me, he chose the path ofbetrayal.
And when he chose the path, hedidn't just choose a path of
betrayal, then he chose to lieabout it for years and make me
feel like I was a crazy personfor thinking it, you know, and
that takes deliberate.
That takes a deliberate,conscious decision, one that you
(18:06):
know would undermine me, and Ithink that's probably why that
lesson in self-trust was soimportant to me is because it
was so fragmented.
After being in that situation ofno, nothing happened.
It's all in your mind.
You're making it all up, yada,yada, yada, and really having to
combat, like, combat all thatand come to the conclusion that
(18:29):
I could trust myself and feelsolid in what I knew to be true
in my body and internally, rightin my intuition, and then being
able to finally get thevalidation and the reassurance
that I needed after I made thedecision to leave, like it was
all by divine design to get meto heal my trust in myself,
(18:55):
which was deeply fragmented from, you know, relationships that I
had trusted before that youknow, didn't you know?
Relationships that I had trustbefore I trusted before that you
know, didn't, you know,betrayed me in different ways.
Right, who let me down indifferent ways, people that I
thought were good, people thatdidn't end up being good people
are people that I, you know, putmy faith in, that I shouldn't
have put my faith in, and so,you know, my trust in myself and
(19:15):
people was very fragmented, andbeing able to really to trust
my inner guidance and my innerknowing was something that I
really strongly needed todevelop in order to be able to
do what I'm, what I'm here doingwith you guys today, and so
this needed to get to the verycore of my self trust issues.
(19:37):
This needed to keep me there aslong as it did, so I could undo
all that, so that thisexperience could prepare me for
my next chapter.
The reality is, had I not stayedas long as I had, I wouldn't
have fully exercised thisself-flex, this self-trust
(20:01):
muscle, to the point where Icould count on it to carry me in
this next leg of my journey.
You know what I mean I wouldhave if I had left sooner.
I wouldn't have done the work Ineeded to do.
I wouldn't have cultivated thattrust in myself that I really
needed to take forward.
I probably would have gone back, really needed to take forward.
(20:22):
I probably would have gone backright and and, like you know,
committed myself to having to gothrough that experience again,
either with him or with somebodyelse right, had I not
cultivated that strong, strongself trust that I needed going
forward.
And it's funny because sincethen and I'm just realizing this
now there has been somerelationships where I've had to
(20:45):
use that call on that self trustagain, where you know they're
saying, verbally saying, onething, but I'm seeing and
feeling something totallydifferent from what they're
telling me.
And I just need to trust whatI'm seeing and feeling and not
so much what I'm being told,because oftentimes you know
people know what we want to hearand they'll just say it.
(21:06):
You know not to paint, not topaint the world in such a
negative way, but you know thereare people out there who know
what they want to hear andthey'll say what we want to hear
because they want to salvage arelationship with us, because
they want to avoid an argumentwith us, because you know it's
not always sinister, you knowwhat I mean.
But there is something to besaid for being able to trust
what you're sensing, what you'reseeing, versus what you're
(21:29):
being told, right.
So this level of self-trustcould never like.
I would never have reached thislevel had I left sooner.
I left when the trust in myselfwas cultivated such that I could
leave and be unwavering in thatdecision and leave with a sense
(21:53):
of no, you know what, I knowwhat I see and I know what I
feel and I know what's true.
Nothing's going to convince meotherwise.
I don't need proof anymore.
I just know I see and I knowwhat I feel and I know what's
true.
Nothing's going to convince meOtherwise.
I don't need proof anymore.
I just know I don't need prooffor what I already know.
Right, and that's how I madethe decision to finally leave.
And when I did like I said, allthe proof showed up.
So when you and here's what Iwant you to take away from this
(22:20):
when you realize you know ifyou're holding on to shame for
being betrayed on and the shameof staying as long as you did
and putting up with the lies andthe stories and the
manipulation and falling for itagain and again, if you're
feeling shame for that, I wantyou to listen and I want you to
take two messages from today'sepisode, and that is one.
(22:40):
This happened to you not becauseyou weren't good enough or
because you weren't lovableenough or because you weren't
anything enough.
This happened because it wastrying to wake you up from all
the ways that you were betrayingyourself in this connection or
in any connection, and maybe inmany of your relationships.
Right Might not just beisolated to this one.
It could be in many of yourrelationships.
Right Might not just beisolated to this one.
(23:01):
It could be in many of yourrelationships.
So pay attention when are youbetraying yourself and how have
you been betraying yourself?
And that's a lot of what we'regoing to do in she Rises.
If you're joining me onSeptember the 15th, we have a
live masterclass, freemasterclass, coming up on
September the 15th, 8.
I'm trying to remember.
Is it 8 pm Eastern time?
(23:21):
I think it's 8 pm Eastern time,depending on when you're
listening to this episode, soplease do join me for that.
The link is in the show notesbelow.
But where was I going with this?
I lost my thought process.
So there's a shame in you knowletting go of the shame that you
know this happened for you.
I know it's painful and I knowit sucks to hear that, but this
(23:43):
really happened to just wake youup and get you to realize all
the ways you were probablyalready betraying yourself.
And it's also really giving youa really solid indication and
preparing you for this next era,when you finally make the bold
move to stop betraying yourself,whether that means leaving this
(24:05):
relationship altogether orchoosing to decentralize this
relationship and make you thecenter focus of your life.
You know, for each person it'llbe different, but it's showing
you what you're capable of onceyou stop with the self-betrayal,
and it's also showing you whatmuscles it's also helping you to
(24:26):
flex the muscles that you needto flex and the ways that you
need to strengthen in order toprepare yourself for that next
chapter.
And how long you stay really hasno.
Like you leave when you're when, when, when you're ready to
leave, and that's not to sayit's not to say that you leave
(24:47):
when there are no doubts anymore, cause there still will be
doubts.
Like there were still doubtswhen I left, like those didn't
go away.
Like it's always like one ofthose things, like it never
feels like the right time.
It's always going to feel asuncomfortable as fuck.
You know what I mean.
It's always going to feeluncomfortable, it's always going
to feel just a little bit toosoon.
But when I left, I was solidenough to know my truth, to know
(25:13):
what my mind was telling me, toknow what my intuition was
telling me, to know what my bodywas telling me, know my body
was telling me and to and to,and to just tell myself that, no
matter what happens, I'm goingto be okay.
And when I left, there was nowavering.
Should I go back?
Shouldn't I go back to make thewrong decision?
Like I knew I made the rightdecision, even though it was
hard, even though it was scary,even though I didn't know what
(25:34):
this next like chapter of mylife was going to look like, I
knew I made the right decision,you know.
So, by saying that you're readyto make the move or to make the
decision or take the alignedaction, doesn't necessarily mean
that it's going to be easy.
It's not.
But you are going to feel it'sjust going to feel like the
(25:56):
right time.
Right, and I think that youknow.
People always ask me how didyou know when the right time was
?
Um, for the first time in years,being in that connection and
trying to make it work, I thinkit was, for the first time, the
only thing more uncomfortablethan the thought of leaving was
the thought of staying.
(26:16):
Like that became moreuncomfortable for me, Like it
was just like I, every fiber ofmy being, just did not want to
be there anymore, because I knewI deserved better.
I knew there was more out therefor me.
I knew there was other thingsthat I was settling for for so
(26:36):
long wasn't, was way less thanwhat I actually deserved in a
connection, and I needed tostart, you know, and I knew that
there was this part of me thatjust wanted to start making me
the central focus of my life andsee, you know, what I could
(26:59):
kind of accomplish on my own andwhat, and what I was capable of
.
Because I think deep down mysoul knew that there was more.
I mean, there was that moment onthe beach and I think I've
shared it, another episode whereI was, like you know, kind of
we were on a, we were onvacation, and I remember I was
laying on the beach and I wassaying my gosh, like there's
gotta be more to life than this,like I had never, we'd never,
(27:21):
felt more disconnected.
There were still signs thebetrayal was happening after
years of being in denial anddoing the work and trying to
show up and nurture theirconnection.
We still weren't past that.
We still had an established,reestablished trust.
And you know, here we arepretending like it's all working
, and it wasn't by far it wasnot working.
(27:43):
And I'm lying on the beach thatday on vacation and I'm thinking
to myself good God, likethere's got to be more to life
than this.
And I remember I was, it waslike magic hour.
And then the water was kind ofsparkling under the, the sun
which was starting to set, and Ijust was looking at the
sparkling water and I didn'trealize at the time because I
hadn't, you know, and I just waslooking at the sparkling water
and I didn't realize at the timebecause I hadn't really
(28:03):
cultivated any spiritualpractice at this point.
My spiritual practice wasprobably going to church a
couple times a year with family,and so what I didn't realize
was happening in that moment is,as I was looking at the water
that was sparkling over, like onthe horizon, I was actually
(28:24):
going into a state of meditation, right, um, and in that state,
in that, that, that where mymind, when, once my mind became
clear and I was just focusing onthe sparkling of the water, I
heard a voice say to me there'sso much more for you out there.
You just have to be willing tolike go for it.
And I remember I turned aroundand I'm like looking, and I'm
looking this way and I'm lookingthat way, and I'm like there's
nobody around me.
Who the fuck said that.
I'm like.
Now I've like convinced myselfthat I'm hearing voices, right,
(28:47):
and that was shortly.
That was like maybe a few monthsbefore I finally made the
decision to leave and yearsbefore I finally became, before
I finally let go of the shame ofthe betrayal and how long I
stayed after I realized what wasgoing on.
And so you know all that to say.
(29:10):
There is a there might be somuch available for you out there
.
You know, if you just if youcan just look at your, you know
this experience as something towake you up, something to how
you've been betraying yourself,to wake you up to the potential
(29:32):
of who you could be and what youcould become if you stop
betraying yourself and startputting all that energy and
focus back onto you instead ofmaking this relationship the
central focus, whatever thatlooks like, if that looks like
leaving, if it looks likestaying to work on it but
continuing to make space foryourself in the connection and
letting it, letting it, lettingthe period that you stayed in
(29:54):
this connection, trying to makeit work, let it mean nothing
more than you stayed as long asyou needed to in order for all
this internal shifting andtransforming to take place so
that you can fully step into andembody this next level version
of yourself, or at least learnthe fundamental skills that you
would need to step into andembody the next level version of
(30:15):
yourself.
Then the shame just dissipatesBecause I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I have no doubt,I have no shame.
I stayed as long as I needed toto come into the awareness of
why this betrayal happened, howit was serving me in a powerful
way, why I needed to stay aslong as I did and why I left at
the perfect time, when thestrengths and the skills and the
(30:39):
abilities that I needed tocultivate in order to be
successful in the next chapterin my life, that's when I left
and when I was unwavering in mydecision, even though there was
some insecurity, even though itwas hard, even though there was
fear.
I knew I made the rightdecision and I was unwavering in
(31:01):
that and there was no goingback and there was no regret.
And there was no, there wasnone of that.
You know, I was solid in mydecision, even though it felt
hard, even though it was scary,even though it was uncertain.
So, and with that, you know,the shame fell away.
The shame fell away becausethere was a reason that the
(31:21):
betrayal happened.
There was a reason that thebetrayal happened.
There was a reason that Istayed as long as I did and that
I left when I did.
You know, everything happenedat the right time.
The reason where shame comes inis that we have all these
narratives, all these voices inour head telling us that it's
somehow the betrayal was somehowour fault, that somehow we
(31:44):
weren't enough and that's whythe betrayal happened, which is
a bunch of BS, and you know, wemake it mean something about
ourselves, and then we make itmean something about ourselves
that we've stayed.
You know, when it's not.
It's not a black and whiteissue, it's not.
I can tell you right now.
You know, for every womanthat's out there saying I don't
know why, women would say insituations where they were being
(32:06):
cheated on, or but you knowwhat, until you're in it, you
can't cause.
I used to say that, you know,but until you're in it, you the
way, it the way, like the, the,the, the, the.
What's it called?
The circus of thoughts that goon in your mind of you're not
good enough, you're not worthy,you failed at this, you didn't
(32:28):
do that, you weren't sexy enough, you weren't pretty enough, you
weren't this enough, you wereall these things kind of going
through your head.
And then did he, didn't he like?
If there's no, like real,concrete proof, oh my God, like
you can drive yourself mental,you know, um, and so I can tell
you right now, like, of all theclients that I've worked with,
(32:50):
nine out of 10 of themexperienced some form of
betrayal that, and they did notleave, either it was ongoing, or
it was a one-time thing, orwhatever.
You know, it is a real thing.
We don't always society tells usbetrayal happens, we close the
door, we leave, yeah, and a lotof times, if the betrayal
happens and it's, it's, it'sdone in a way that that is, you
(33:16):
know, people aren't takingaccountability for it.
They're not takingaccountability, they're not
taking the responsibility to dothe work to bring the, to heal
the relationship and bringwholeness and a healthy
connection back in therelationship, then, yeah, that
is the right thing to do.
But there's so many otherlayers like there's so many.
(33:37):
There's so much nuance in that,in that there's different types
of betrayal, there's differentways people deal with betrayal,
there's different ways wecommunicate about betrayal.
So to say that there's one cutand dry solution.
We're human, we're human, we'recomplex.
We go through things, we gothrough feelings, we have doubts
(33:57):
, we have fears, and you know wehave convenient truths, the
things that we want, or not eventruths, convenient stories that
we want to be true, that aren't.
And so you know there's so muchthat comes into the into, into
into the.
You know the, the screenplay.
When we're dealing with abetrayal plot, right, wounds,
(34:21):
fears, limiting beliefs, youknow everything comes to the
table, right, and everything isliterally ignited with this one
event, right.
So if we can detach from whateveryone else says we should be
doing when we're betrayed, right.
If we can detach from all ofthat, if we can detach from the
(34:42):
rules, if we can detach from thejudgments, if we can detach
from all of it and justrecognize it for what it is.
It is an experience that we aremoving through that we've both
so contracted to move through,so that we can awaken to a
different version of ourselvesand we can awaken to the ways
that we were betraying ourselves.
(35:03):
We can awaken to how powerfulwe are when we stop betraying
ourselves and we can awaken tothe lessons that we need to
learn and embody in order tomove forward.
The shame literally starts tolike disappear and what's left
is nothing more than anotherspiritual assignment helping you
(35:23):
to evolve and grow in this life.
Right, and how you move forwardis entirely unique to you and
your relationship and thedecisions that you make and what
feels right for you and howyou're both moving through this
together.
Right, if you are.
And again go back to thatepisode should I stay or should
(35:44):
I go?
If you're wondering whether ornot your connection is worth
salvaging, I've given you someconcrete, based on my personal
experience, concrete guidelineswhen to stay and when to not
stay after betrayal, so that youcan make an aligned decision.
And again, when you're readyand you will know when you're
(36:05):
ready because, like I said, itwill feel more uncomfortable
staying than leaving and that'show I knew and with that, like,
literally, the betrayal justdissolves away.
If I keep coming back to thatstory or that belief that this
happened for me.
This was awakening me, this waspreparing me, this was
strengthening me for this nextpart of my journey.
(36:29):
Then there's no more shame tobe held for it, because I can
see all the ways that it healedme and I can see all the ways
that it transformed me.
And if there were someself-doubts there and if I did
settle or if I did um, you know,stay longer than I would have
wanted myself to stay, I knowthat it's because it brought up
(36:49):
so many deep wounds andinsecurities within myself, all
of which got to heal as a resultof this experience, and that is
how the shame dissipated.
So hopefully that gives yousome comfort.
If you can look back on why ithappened and how it was
transforming you and what it washelping you to become and why,
(37:11):
that in itself will help todissipate a lot of that shame
that you might be feeling.
So that is all for today.
You guys Leave me a note, butwherever you're seeing this
episode, if you're seeing it insocial media, if you've gotten
it in your emails, hit thatreply button.
Let me know what resonates foryou.
You can send me a DM atTheFemCast on Instagram.
I would love to see you in ourmasterclass on September 15th.
(37:35):
It's free.
It's 90-minute healing andactivation that is going to help
you move through and risethrough the pain of betrayal so
that you can embody this nextlevel version of yourself that
the betrayal is literallyinviting you to become Okay.
That is all for now, you guys.
Until next time, massive love.
Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to
the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
Welcome if you're new.
Today we're talking about how Imoved through the shame of
betrayal, the shame that I feltfor being betrayed on and the
shame especially that I felt forstaying as long as I did and
for believing the lies, themanipulation.
(00:21):
And you know there was so muchwrapped, so much shame wrapped
up in that experience that youknow, for the longest time you
know going through it and youknow recognizing that there was
a long period of just kind ofbeing in denial and you know,
wanting not to believe what Iknew in my body was true.
(00:45):
Um, so there was, you know,that long period of denial where
I didn't want to believe it.
And then you know, when Ifinally came to the realization
I'd been lying to myself thiswhole time, you know.
Then you know it was doublewhammy, shame.
It was shame that, you know, I,you know he didn't love me
enough to stay faithful to me,that I wasn't enough for him to
be faithful to me and I was.
(01:06):
There was shame in that.
Then there was also shame in,you know, being in denial for as
long as I was and falling forthe lies and falling the
manipulate, falling for themanipulation, and you know, to
the point where I never toldanybody what was happening like
not even my closest family andfriends was happening.
Like not not even my closestfamily and friends really knew.
(01:27):
I mean, I think really, my momand my sister knew very like
like high level details, but youknow, it wasn't anything that I
was able to really talk aboutand that was because I had so
much shame in me, like I was soashamed of myself.
For for again, for um, you know, feeling like I somehow failed
(01:51):
the relationship.
If um, you know, he betrayed me, it was somehow my
responsibility, it was my notgood enough-ness, it was my
unworthiness, it was somethingabout me that was inherently
wrong that led to the betrayalright.
And then also, you know, on theother side and I think probably
the harder one was stickingaround for as long as I did and
(02:12):
being in denial for as long as Iwas.
I think there was more shamearound that than anything else.
And you know, for the longesttime, when I did the math on how
long I stayed and how much timeI wasted and how much energy
and effort I put in to try torepair this relationship.
(02:33):
Like I would cringe every timeI did the girl math on this,
Like I literally wanted to vomitin my own shame.
And I don't think, you know,when I look back now, I don't
think I actually talked toanyone really about what
happened until years later.
(02:54):
Even to this day, like when Italk about it on my podcast, my
family and friends are like yo,dude, like why did you say
anything Like we didn't know,like it was that, like you were
going through that or that youwere feeling that way or you
were thinking that way.
And it's like why did you sayanything Like we didn't know,
like it was that, like you weregoing through that or that you
were feeling that way or youwere thinking that way.
And it's like I didn't evenknow how to articulate what I
was thinking or feeling at thetime.
And that was because you knowthat was a byproduct of being
somebody who suppressed heremotions so much.
(03:15):
Right, and you know it's why Ido what I do now.
But you know, I think that whenI started to tell people, you
know there was this part of methat again, you know, going back
to the shame.
I think I knew that.
If I say this out loud, like ifI say, because, again, you know
(03:38):
, like you know, for me, I'm notgoing to say it was unique, but
it was, it had its own kind ofnuance, right, I'm not going to
say it was unique, but it was,it had its own kind of nuance,
right, in the sense that youknow, there were so many signs
that were the betrayal washappening, but I had no
confession, I had no smoking gun.
You know, technically, Like Imean, yeah, you could say that a
(04:00):
lot of the evidence that I wasseeing was hearsay, but like,
like you'd have to be like, likeeven I remember telling a
friend of mine, um, well, afterthe fact, they're like she was
like, well, what were the signs?
You know, like, what were thesigns that that you saw that he
was cheating and and like, howdid it all unfold?
And so I kind of took herthrough, like the chronological
(04:23):
order of you know, the signs andthe situations that were
happening and how they wereunfolding and how I came to the
realization that you know therewas betrayal in my relationship.
And she looked at me and shesaid, like you know, why did you
?
Why like?
Why did you?
Why did you doubt it?
I was.
I was waiting for for proof.
(04:44):
I was waiting for a confession.
I was waiting to be sure.
She's like what did you doubtit?
I was waiting for proof.
I was waiting for a confession.
I was waiting to be sure.
She's like what did you need inorder to be sure?
Like, did you need, like a neonlight?
Like to hit you over the headwith it.
She's like oh my God, like Icould get into all the signs now
.
But you know, the last thingthat I want to do is create a
(05:06):
frenzy of women who think thattheir partner is cheating on
them because of you know myexperience.
You know my experience.
Some of the behaviors and thepatterns I might've seen in my
situation might be normal andsomebody else's and might not
mean a damn thing, but becausethey were so out of the ordinary
(05:30):
for what I had experienced inthis relationship, because the
behavior was so out of leftfield and unlike the person that
I knew, and because, you know,everything kind of happened
simultaneously with a wholebunch of other things that were
going on in the relationship, itdidn't take a rocket scientist
(05:52):
to figure it out.
But I will say and I've saidthis again time and time again
on the show is that you know, abig part, I think, of why I
experienced the betrayal thatthe way that I did, and why
there was never that evidence, Ithink, for me, that hardcore,
concrete evidence that I couldfirmly say, okay, I'm out, like
(06:12):
you know, I've got all that Ineed, I've got it in writing,
I've got it right here in aphoto, whatever video, a
screenshot, you know, a scandal,like video text message that
goes viral.
You know what I mean.
The reason I think I didn'thave any of that was because,
again, I do believe thatbetrayal, when it happens to you
(06:35):
, shakes you to the very coreand the foundation of who you
are and it shows you all theways that you're betraying
yourself and it also, I think,elevates you to a level Like it
prepares you for the ways thatyou're betraying yourself and it
also, I think, elevates you toa level like it prepares you for
that next level.
So who are you when you stopbetraying yourself?
Who do you get to become, andhow is this experience preparing
you for that next level versionof yourself?
(06:56):
I really needed to master andembody self-trust and that's
part of what I'm doing now.
You know, like if I didn't havefull trust in myself, if I
wasn't able to fully embodyself-trust and trusting my
intuition and trusting what Ifeel, what I sense and what I
know is true in my body, Icouldn't do the work that I do,
(07:18):
you know.
So I needed to really masterthat skill.
So it was part showing me whereI was betraying myself and part
preparing me for that momentwhen I was ready to stop the
self, stop with the selfbetrayal and really just choose
myself and move forward.
You know, and again you know,all the proof and the validation
(07:38):
that I needed came after I madethe decision.
You know, people startedmessaging me, reaching out to me
, letting me know what washappening that I didn't see
because I either wasn't in theroom, um, or, you know, didn't
know about.
You know, certainextracurricular people that were
in my relationship, right,additional parties that I was
(07:59):
not aware of, um, you know,reached out to me and let me
know, so what was happening andreally validated everything that
up until like the last fewyears, everything that I knew in
my body was true, but Icouldn't prove, and I think that
you know, because I couldn'tprove it.
(08:19):
I think there was a part of methat, well, if there's no proof,
I can easily just convincemyself that it's not true.
You know, and go intoself-denial and self-betrayal,
even though I knew in my body itwas true, I knew, I knew there
were so many, there were so many.
You could feel it happeningenergetically and again, like I
stressed this, I've said thisbefore I was never somebody.
(08:41):
I'd never accused anybody thatI'd ever been with any one of my
partners, I'd never accusedanybody of being unfaithful to
me.
This was the first time I hadgone through this experience and
when I came to that firstmoment of realization, it
literally shook the groundbeneath me, like is this
actually happening?
Like is this real?
And so it took me a minuteright to really, um, accept that
(09:07):
.
And I think you know there was.
There was again, so many reasonsthat you know I, I didn't want
to say it out loud.
One if I said it out loud andif I told people the signs and
the synchronicities that I wasseeing that it was happening,
then I would have to believe it.
You know, I couldn't live indenial anymore because deep down
I knew, like girl, you are, youcrazy.
(09:28):
It's like you know what'shappening, it's there, you can
see it, right, and again, it's ashame.
Also, you know, if I were totell people what I was seeing,
what I was experiencing, what Iwas feeling, it would be the
shame that you know.
Coming to the realization thatmy you know, my person that I
was in relationship with wasunfaithful to me, this person
(09:51):
that I trusted, like I felt sofoolish, like I trusted this
person with my life, like I was,like, completely.
I never doubted their love forme, I never doubted the
relationship, I never doubtedthe longevity, I never doubted
the longevity of therelationship.
So, when it happened, I wascompletely blindsided and I felt
shame for that.
(10:11):
And then I felt shame for howlong I stayed, you know, and put
up with it and lived in thatdenial, even though I knew what
was happening.
Right, all of it, all of it, Ido believe, was by divine design
.
So, and I will say this, like ifyou're somebody who is
struggling with the shame ofbeing betrayed in a relationship
(10:37):
, who's struggling with theshame of how long it took you to
actually accept it and make adecision, and maybe you still
haven't accepted it, maybeyou're still in there and you're
still trying to make it workand you're still in the denial
phase.
Or maybe you're ready to leave,or maybe you've already left
but still feeling the shame ofhow long you stayed, tried to
(11:00):
make it work, tried to believewhat they were saying instead of
taking what you knew internallyto be true.
If there's any part of youthat's feeling shame in that, I
really want you to hear me,because this is how I shifted,
the shame that I felt, and nowI'm able to talk about it with
you guys today.
Otherwise I wouldn't be able toum, because for the longest
(11:23):
time, I did hold shame in this,and that was this I think when
we talk about, you know,betrayal, trauma, and and what
it does, and and to you, and howit shifts your life in terms of
, number one, showing you whereyou're betraying yourself and,
number two, preparing you forthat next stage in your life,
that next, that next chapterthat you're, that this
relationship is literally tryingto catapult you into.
(11:46):
Once you stop with theself-betrayal which is what I do
think, what happens, andsometimes those relationships do
get to stay, sometimes theydon't.
It depends.
I've done an episode before onshould I stay or should I go?
When is the right time to leavea relationship after infidelity
?
When do you leave?
When do you stay and try andwork it out?
(12:07):
When is it time to hightail itout of there?
You know, because you knowevery experience is nuanced.
I don't believe that you knowevery relationship ends after
betrayal.
I believe we all make mistakesand nobody's perfect, but it
really depends on how bothparties are coming to the
conversation and how they'redealing with the betrayal.
(12:29):
That makes a difference as towhether or not this is something
that you can move through as acouple or if it's time to
hightail it out of there andmove on and get into that next
chapter.
Right, so there's that.
But if you're somebody who, likeI said, you know you're, you
either either just move througha betrayal or you've been moving
(12:49):
through betrayal, whetheryou've left, or contemplating
leaving or whatever thatbetrayal is happened to show you
how you had been betrayingyourself.
So in the events leading up tothat betrayal, where were you
letting yourself down?
Where were you putting yourselfon a back burner?
Where were you deprioritizingyour needs, your dreams, your
(13:12):
goals, your ambitions to makethis relationship the center,
focus of your life?
That's usually.
That's usually when thesebetrayals come to rock us.
I know, I know that I hadcompletely given my power away
to this relationship.
I trusted him blindly.
I, you know, made thisrelationship the central focus
(13:35):
of my life.
My who, I was, my identity, mypurpose, my future was all
wrapped around this person.
The relationship took centerfocus for me.
It was my number one priorityin my life and that, you know,
that's when it becomes dangerous, because that's when you
(13:57):
literally disappear into therelationship, right, you become
this hazy mirage right in yourown life, while this
relationship and this person istaking center stage and center
priority, right?
So there's shame in that.
Then there's the shame in, youknow, realizing how wrong you
(14:18):
were right.
So, in letting go of that shame,of how wrong I was about this
person, again it comes back toacknowledging this experience
for me and what it was meant todo.
This experience was teaching meto trust myself.
This experience was teaching meto no longer abandon myself and
(14:42):
to trust myself, moving forward, to trust what my feelings were
telling me, to trust what mybody was telling me, beyond what
I could see or hear from himand from just life in general.
I needed to be able to separateand listen to my own inner
(15:02):
knowing and trust that fully.
And so it took a long time forme to get there, like it took a
long time for that evolution toactually happen.
Because, you know, finding out,realizing what was happening,
feeling the embarrassment, theshame and the humiliation that
it was happening.
(15:23):
And then you know going backand forth from denial to anger
to acceptance, to back to denialand back to anger, and you know
, like it was just this rollercoaster, this period of just
like like going back and forthbetween self-trust, self-doubt,
(15:45):
self-loathing, self-blame, andit took a long time.
It took many layers of healingand rebuilding and tearing, you
know, being torn back down again, to have to rebuild again in
order for this muscle, thisself-trust, this belief in
myself, to really really reallybecome solid, to really become
(16:10):
something you know, to flex themuscle enough so that it was
strong enough to really hold memoving forward right.
And so it took a long time andyou know how I've let go of a
lot of that shame.
First, the shame of the betrayal, you know, was that this was
(16:31):
supporting me.
This betrayal was trying towake me up from how I was
betraying myself all this timein the relationship and how I
had turned my back on myself andthat relationship was literally
trying to mirror to me how Ihad turned my back on me, right?
So you know whether people willsay, yeah, but you know what,
(16:56):
maybe if I had shown updifferently, the betrayal
wouldn't have happened, orwhatever.
You know, none of us areperfect.
We're all messy, like I think Isaid this in a previous episode
, right, we all have our shit.
We all have stuff in a healthyrelationship, in a healthy,
emotionally mature relationship.
You will Talk about it.
You will try and work thingsout.
(17:17):
You will address the issues.
You will.
You know might be messy, youmight fuck it up.
You might try and work thingsout.
You will address the issues youwill.
You know it might be messy, youmight fuck it up, you might
make a few mistakes, but youknow you'll find a way to work
through it In this relationship,whatever problems.
You know.
However, way I was showing up,that was maybe triggering for
him or making him feel less.
You know less than, or you knowso less.
(17:43):
You know less than, or you knowwhatever the case was, instead
of him coming to me and talkingto me and working things through
with me, he chose the path ofbetrayal.
And when he chose the path, hedidn't just choose a path of
betrayal, then he chose to lieabout it for years and make me
feel like I was a crazy personfor thinking it, you know, and
that takes deliberate.
That takes a deliberate,conscious decision, one that you
(18:06):
know would undermine me, and Ithink that's probably why that
lesson in self-trust was soimportant to me is because it
was so fragmented.
After being in that situation ofno, nothing happened.
It's all in your mind.
You're making it all up, yada,yada, yada, and really having to
combat, like, combat all thatand come to the conclusion that
(18:29):
I could trust myself and feelsolid in what I knew to be true
in my body and internally, rightin my intuition, and then being
able to finally get thevalidation and the reassurance
that I needed after I made thedecision to leave, like it was
all by divine design to get meto heal my trust in myself,
(18:55):
which was deeply fragmented from, you know, relationships that I
had trusted before that youknow, didn't you know?
Relationships that I had trustbefore I trusted before that you
know, didn't, you know,betrayed me in different ways.
Right, who let me down indifferent ways, people that I
thought were good, people thatdidn't end up being good people
are people that I, you know, putmy faith in, that I shouldn't
have put my faith in, and so,you know, my trust in myself and
(19:15):
people was very fragmented, andbeing able to really to trust
my inner guidance and my innerknowing was something that I
really strongly needed todevelop in order to be able to
do what I'm, what I'm here doingwith you guys today, and so
this needed to get to the verycore of my self trust issues.
(19:37):
This needed to keep me there aslong as it did, so I could undo
all that, so that thisexperience could prepare me for
my next chapter.
The reality is, had I not stayedas long as I had, I wouldn't
have fully exercised thisself-flex, this self-trust
(20:01):
muscle, to the point where Icould count on it to carry me in
this next leg of my journey.
You know what I mean I wouldhave if I had left sooner.
I wouldn't have done the work Ineeded to do.
I wouldn't have cultivated thattrust in myself that I really
needed to take forward.
I probably would have gone back, really needed to take forward.
(20:22):
I probably would have gone backright and and, like you know,
committed myself to having to gothrough that experience again,
either with him or with somebodyelse right, had I not
cultivated that strong, strongself trust that I needed going
forward.
And it's funny because sincethen and I'm just realizing this
now there has been somerelationships where I've had to
(20:45):
use that call on that self trustagain, where you know they're
saying, verbally saying, onething, but I'm seeing and
feeling something totallydifferent from what they're
telling me.
And I just need to trust whatI'm seeing and feeling and not
so much what I'm being told,because oftentimes you know
people know what we want to hearand they'll just say it.
(21:06):
You know not to paint, not topaint the world in such a
negative way, but you know thereare people out there who know
what they want to hear andthey'll say what we want to hear
because they want to salvage arelationship with us, because
they want to avoid an argumentwith us, because you know it's
not always sinister, you knowwhat I mean.
But there is something to besaid for being able to trust
what you're sensing, what you'reseeing, versus what you're
(21:29):
being told, right.
So this level of self-trustcould never like.
I would never have reached thislevel had I left sooner.
I left when the trust in myselfwas cultivated such that I could
leave and be unwavering in thatdecision and leave with a sense
(21:53):
of no, you know what, I knowwhat I see and I know what I
feel and I know what's true.
Nothing's going to convince meotherwise.
I don't need proof anymore.
I just know I see and I knowwhat I feel and I know what's
true.
Nothing's going to convince meOtherwise.
I don't need proof anymore.
I just know I don't need prooffor what I already know.
Right, and that's how I madethe decision to finally leave.
And when I did like I said, allthe proof showed up.
So when you and here's what Iwant you to take away from this
(22:20):
when you realize you know ifyou're holding on to shame for
being betrayed on and the shameof staying as long as you did
and putting up with the lies andthe stories and the
manipulation and falling for itagain and again, if you're
feeling shame for that, I wantyou to listen and I want you to
take two messages from today'sepisode, and that is one.
(22:40):
This happened to you not becauseyou weren't good enough or
because you weren't lovableenough or because you weren't
anything enough.
This happened because it wastrying to wake you up from all
the ways that you were betrayingyourself in this connection or
in any connection, and maybe inmany of your relationships.
Right Might not just beisolated to this one.
It could be in many of yourrelationships.
Right Might not just beisolated to this one.
(23:01):
It could be in many of yourrelationships.
So pay attention when are youbetraying yourself and how have
you been betraying yourself?
And that's a lot of what we'regoing to do in she Rises.
If you're joining me onSeptember the 15th, we have a
live masterclass, freemasterclass, coming up on
September the 15th, 8.
I'm trying to remember.
Is it 8 pm Eastern time?
(23:21):
I think it's 8 pm Eastern time,depending on when you're
listening to this episode, soplease do join me for that.
The link is in the show notesbelow.
But where was I going with this?
I lost my thought process.
So there's a shame in you knowletting go of the shame that you
know this happened for you.
I know it's painful and I knowit sucks to hear that, but this
(23:43):
really happened to just wake youup and get you to realize all
the ways you were probablyalready betraying yourself.
And it's also really giving youa really solid indication and
preparing you for this next era,when you finally make the bold
move to stop betraying yourself,whether that means leaving this
(24:05):
relationship altogether orchoosing to decentralize this
relationship and make you thecenter focus of your life.
You know, for each person it'llbe different, but it's showing
you what you're capable of onceyou stop with the self-betrayal,
and it's also showing you whatmuscles it's also helping you to
(24:26):
flex the muscles that you needto flex and the ways that you
need to strengthen in order toprepare yourself for that next
chapter.
And how long you stay really hasno.
Like you leave when you're when, when, when you're ready to
leave, and that's not to sayit's not to say that you leave
(24:47):
when there are no doubts anymore, cause there still will be
doubts.
Like there were still doubtswhen I left, like those didn't
go away.
Like it's always like one ofthose things, like it never
feels like the right time.
It's always going to feel asuncomfortable as fuck.
You know what I mean.
It's always going to feeluncomfortable, it's always going
to feel just a little bit toosoon.
But when I left, I was solidenough to know my truth, to know
(25:13):
what my mind was telling me, toknow what my intuition was
telling me, to know what my bodywas telling me, know my body
was telling me and to and to,and to just tell myself that, no
matter what happens, I'm goingto be okay.
And when I left, there was nowavering.
Should I go back?
Shouldn't I go back to make thewrong decision?
Like I knew I made the rightdecision, even though it was
hard, even though it was scary,even though I didn't know what
(25:34):
this next like chapter of mylife was going to look like, I
knew I made the right decision,you know.
So, by saying that you're readyto make the move or to make the
decision or take the alignedaction, doesn't necessarily mean
that it's going to be easy.
It's not.
But you are going to feel it'sjust going to feel like the
(25:56):
right time.
Right, and I think that youknow.
People always ask me how didyou know when the right time was
?
Um, for the first time in years,being in that connection and
trying to make it work, I thinkit was, for the first time, the
only thing more uncomfortablethan the thought of leaving was
the thought of staying.
(26:16):
Like that became moreuncomfortable for me, Like it
was just like I, every fiber ofmy being, just did not want to
be there anymore, because I knewI deserved better.
I knew there was more out therefor me.
I knew there was other thingsthat I was settling for for so
(26:36):
long wasn't, was way less thanwhat I actually deserved in a
connection, and I needed tostart, you know, and I knew that
there was this part of me thatjust wanted to start making me
the central focus of my life andsee, you know, what I could
(26:59):
kind of accomplish on my own andwhat, and what I was capable of
.
Because I think deep down mysoul knew that there was more.
I mean, there was that moment onthe beach and I think I've
shared it, another episode whereI was, like you know, kind of
we were on a, we were onvacation, and I remember I was
laying on the beach and I wassaying my gosh, like there's
gotta be more to life than this,like I had never, we'd never,
(27:21):
felt more disconnected.
There were still signs thebetrayal was happening after
years of being in denial anddoing the work and trying to
show up and nurture theirconnection.
We still weren't past that.
We still had an established,reestablished trust.
And you know, here we arepretending like it's all working
, and it wasn't by far it wasnot working.
(27:43):
And I'm lying on the beach thatday on vacation and I'm thinking
to myself good God, likethere's got to be more to life
than this.
And I remember I was, it waslike magic hour.
And then the water was kind ofsparkling under the, the sun
which was starting to set, and Ijust was looking at the
sparkling water and I didn'trealize at the time because I
hadn't, you know, and I just waslooking at the sparkling water
and I didn't realize at the timebecause I hadn't really
(28:03):
cultivated any spiritualpractice at this point.
My spiritual practice wasprobably going to church a
couple times a year with family,and so what I didn't realize
was happening in that moment is,as I was looking at the water
that was sparkling over, like onthe horizon, I was actually
(28:24):
going into a state of meditation, right, um, and in that state,
in that, that, that where mymind, when, once my mind became
clear and I was just focusing onthe sparkling of the water, I
heard a voice say to me there'sso much more for you out there.
You just have to be willing tolike go for it.
And I remember I turned aroundand I'm like looking, and I'm
looking this way and I'm lookingthat way, and I'm like there's
nobody around me.
Who the fuck said that.
I'm like.
Now I've like convinced myselfthat I'm hearing voices, right,
(28:47):
and that was shortly.
That was like maybe a few monthsbefore I finally made the
decision to leave and yearsbefore I finally became, before
I finally let go of the shame ofthe betrayal and how long I
stayed after I realized what wasgoing on.
And so you know all that to say.
(29:10):
There is a there might be somuch available for you out there
.
You know, if you just if youcan just look at your, you know
this experience as something towake you up, something to how
you've been betraying yourself,to wake you up to the potential
(29:32):
of who you could be and what youcould become if you stop
betraying yourself and startputting all that energy and
focus back onto you instead ofmaking this relationship the
central focus, whatever thatlooks like, if that looks like
leaving, if it looks likestaying to work on it but
continuing to make space foryourself in the connection and
letting it, letting it, lettingthe period that you stayed in
(29:54):
this connection, trying to makeit work, let it mean nothing
more than you stayed as long asyou needed to in order for all
this internal shifting andtransforming to take place so
that you can fully step into andembody this next level version
of yourself, or at least learnthe fundamental skills that you
would need to step into andembody the next level version of
(30:15):
yourself.
Then the shame just dissipatesBecause I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I have no doubt,I have no shame.
I stayed as long as I needed toto come into the awareness of
why this betrayal happened, howit was serving me in a powerful
way, why I needed to stay aslong as I did and why I left at
the perfect time, when thestrengths and the skills and the
(30:39):
abilities that I needed tocultivate in order to be
successful in the next chapterin my life, that's when I left
and when I was unwavering in mydecision, even though there was
some insecurity, even though itwas hard, even though there was
fear.
I knew I made the rightdecision and I was unwavering in
(31:01):
that and there was no goingback and there was no regret.
And there was no, there wasnone of that.
You know, I was solid in mydecision, even though it felt
hard, even though it was scary,even though it was uncertain.
So, and with that, you know,the shame fell away.
The shame fell away becausethere was a reason that the
(31:21):
betrayal happened.
There was a reason that thebetrayal happened.
There was a reason that Istayed as long as I did and that
I left when I did.
You know, everything happenedat the right time.
The reason where shame comes inis that we have all these
narratives, all these voices inour head telling us that it's
somehow the betrayal was somehowour fault, that somehow we
(31:44):
weren't enough and that's whythe betrayal happened, which is
a bunch of BS, and you know, wemake it mean something about
ourselves, and then we make itmean something about ourselves
that we've stayed.
You know, when it's not.
It's not a black and whiteissue, it's not.
I can tell you right now.
You know, for every womanthat's out there saying I don't
know why, women would say insituations where they were being
(32:06):
cheated on, or but you knowwhat, until you're in it, you
can't cause.
I used to say that, you know,but until you're in it, you the
way, it the way, like the, the,the, the, the.
What's it called?
The circus of thoughts that goon in your mind of you're not
good enough, you're not worthy,you failed at this, you didn't
(32:28):
do that, you weren't sexy enough, you weren't pretty enough, you
weren't this enough, you wereall these things kind of going
through your head.
And then did he, didn't he like?
If there's no, like real,concrete proof, oh my God, like
you can drive yourself mental,you know, um, and so I can tell
you right now, like, of all theclients that I've worked with,
(32:50):
nine out of 10 of themexperienced some form of
betrayal that, and they did notleave, either it was ongoing, or
it was a one-time thing, orwhatever.
You know, it is a real thing.
We don't always society tells usbetrayal happens, we close the
door, we leave, yeah, and a lotof times, if the betrayal
happens and it's, it's, it'sdone in a way that that is, you
(33:16):
know, people aren't takingaccountability for it.
They're not takingaccountability, they're not
taking the responsibility to dothe work to bring the, to heal
the relationship and bringwholeness and a healthy
connection back in therelationship, then, yeah, that
is the right thing to do.
But there's so many otherlayers like there's so many.
(33:37):
There's so much nuance in that,in that there's different types
of betrayal, there's differentways people deal with betrayal,
there's different ways wecommunicate about betrayal.
So to say that there's one cutand dry solution.
We're human, we're human, we'recomplex.
We go through things, we gothrough feelings, we have doubts
(33:57):
, we have fears, and you know wehave convenient truths, the
things that we want, or not eventruths, convenient stories that
we want to be true, that aren't.
And so you know there's so muchthat comes into the into, into
into the.
You know the, the screenplay.
When we're dealing with abetrayal plot, right, wounds,
(34:21):
fears, limiting beliefs, youknow everything comes to the
table, right, and everything isliterally ignited with this one
event, right.
So if we can detach from whateveryone else says we should be
doing when we're betrayed, right.
If we can detach from all ofthat, if we can detach from the
(34:42):
rules, if we can detach from thejudgments, if we can detach
from all of it and justrecognize it for what it is.
It is an experience that we aremoving through that we've both
so contracted to move through,so that we can awaken to a
different version of ourselvesand we can awaken to the ways
that we were betraying ourselves.
(35:03):
We can awaken to how powerfulwe are when we stop betraying
ourselves and we can awaken tothe lessons that we need to
learn and embody in order tomove forward.
The shame literally starts tolike disappear and what's left
is nothing more than anotherspiritual assignment helping you
(35:23):
to evolve and grow in this life.
Right, and how you move forwardis entirely unique to you and
your relationship and thedecisions that you make and what
feels right for you and howyou're both moving through this
together.
Right, if you are.
And again go back to thatepisode should I stay or should
(35:44):
I go?
If you're wondering whether ornot your connection is worth
salvaging, I've given you someconcrete, based on my personal
experience, concrete guidelineswhen to stay and when to not
stay after betrayal, so that youcan make an aligned decision.
And again, when you're readyand you will know when you're
(36:05):
ready because, like I said, itwill feel more uncomfortable
staying than leaving and that'show I knew and with that, like,
literally, the betrayal justdissolves away.
If I keep coming back to thatstory or that belief that this
happened for me.
This was awakening me, this waspreparing me, this was
strengthening me for this nextpart of my journey.
(36:29):
Then there's no more shame tobe held for it, because I can
see all the ways that it healedme and I can see all the ways
that it transformed me.
And if there were someself-doubts there and if I did
settle or if I did um, you know,stay longer than I would have
wanted myself to stay, I knowthat it's because it brought up
(36:49):
so many deep wounds andinsecurities within myself, all
of which got to heal as a resultof this experience, and that is
how the shame dissipated.
So hopefully that gives yousome comfort.
If you can look back on why ithappened and how it was
transforming you and what it washelping you to become and why,
(37:11):
that in itself will help todissipate a lot of that shame
that you might be feeling.
So that is all for today.
You guys Leave me a note, butwherever you're seeing this
episode, if you're seeing it insocial media, if you've gotten
it in your emails, hit thatreply button.
Let me know what resonates foryou.
You can send me a DM atTheFemCast on Instagram.
I would love to see you in ourmasterclass on September 15th.
(37:35):
It's free.
It's 90-minute healing andactivation that is going to help
you move through and risethrough the pain of betrayal so
that you can embody this nextlevel version of yourself that
the betrayal is literallyinviting you to become Okay.
That is all for now, you guys.
Until next time, massive love.
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