June 25, 2025 • 23 mins
We stay too long.
We hold on too tight.
And sometimes, we love the potential more than the person in front of us.
In this soul-baring episode of The Femme Cast, I open up about the terrifying — and ultimately liberating — moment I realized I was clinging to a relationship that no longer aligned with my truth.
Not because I didn’t know better… but because I was afraid.
Afraid he might change — but for someone else.
Afraid this might be as good as it gets.
Afraid of the unknown that would come after walking away.
Sound familiar?
We explore the emotional weight of:
- Convincing yourself breadcrumbs are enough
- Holding on to empty promises that never lead to real change
- Abandoning yourself just to keep something that’s already fading
I’ll share the mindset shift that changed everything for me:
"Can I accept this person exactly as they are today — without needing them to change — for the rest of my life?"
If the answer is no, you already have your answer.
Letting go doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
It means you’re finally choosing you.
And when you do?
That’s when the right love — the one that sees, chooses, and honors all of you — can finally find its way in.
🎧 Press play. This might just be the episode that sets you free.
Ready to stop abandoning yourself for love? To finally rise from the wreckage of betrayal and become the woman you were born to be?
The Sacred Reclamation Series: Betrayal Edition starts July 21st right here on The Femme Cast.
5 soul-stirring podcast episodes + a FREE live healing + activation on July 29th @ 8PM EST
This is your sign.
This is your turning point.
Claim your seat now at the FREE live healing + activation now.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome, if you're new.
Today's kind of a continuationfrom last week's conversation
where we talked a lot about youknow the importance of being
able to spend some time on yourown for a season and you know
all the benefits and the healingthat came from that opportunity
(00:20):
for me when I went on myrelationship hiatus.
For me when I went on myrelationship hiatus, and how it
really empowered me to makebetter choices in my
relationships and it eliminatedthe fear of missing out from,
you know, just settling forrelationships that I knew
weren't aligned for me in oneway or another, you know.
But sometimes and this is wherewe take it a step further in
(00:41):
this episode this is where wetake it a step further in this
episode Sometimes we also needthe courage to walk away from a
relationship that we are alreadyin that we know isn't for us.
And I know that I've been heremany times where, you know, I
have been in very unhealthyrelationship dynamics and I knew
that I wasn't being treated theway that I deserve to be
treated, whether it was becauseI was being cheated on and lied
(01:05):
to about it for years.
And you know, I stuck it outand I did everything that I
thought you, you were supposedto do to make a relationship
work.
And I felt like I couldn'tleave because I didn't really
have the proof that the cheatingwas happening, although I knew
it was happening.
I mean, there's so many signsthat it was happening but I was
afraid to walk away until I hadthe proof, like like hardcore
(01:28):
evidence, that it was takingplace.
And even though you knowwhether I could prove or not
prove the cheating, I stillwasn't being treated the way I
wanted to be treated in arelationship.
There were still so many thingsmissing, so many things that I
wasn't getting in thatrelationship.
And then there were otherrelationships where, you know, I
knew I was settling forbreadcrumbs, I knew I was
(01:49):
settling for scraps.
I knew guy was one foot in, onefoot out the entire time and I
knew that every time he ghostedme and disappeared for several
weeks it was because he washooking up with somebody else.
And then when that grew staleand or that didn't work out or
for whatever reason, you know,month, two months, he would, you
know, show up in my DMS again.
I start blowing out my textmessages, right, and I knew they
(02:14):
weren't for me.
I knew it, but I stayed.
I was afraid to leave and againit goes back to that same fear
that we talked about last week,that fear of but what if this is
as good as it's going to get?
What if I'm not going to findany better?
Or what if I'm single, like for10 years, before I find
(02:35):
somebody else to fill this void,right?
Or to take his place?
Or and this was the worst fear,I think, of all because so many
times I would, you know, breakup with people and then they
would end up, you know, marryingor falling in love with the
next girl.
It's like what if I leave thisguy and he gives everything?
Like tomorrow, he wakes uptomorrow morning and suddenly he
(02:55):
is a man of my dreams and he'sready to give all his love, and
he ends up giving all his loveto somebody else other than me,
right, and and you can actually,like, you can almost visually
see this play out in your mind'seye, right, and it's scary.
So it keeps you stuck becauseit keeps you hanging on to
something that isn't for you andagain you are draining all of
(03:20):
your energy, you are depletingall of your resources and you
are hiding so many parts ofyourself because you're afraid
to let go of this one person.
And you know, all the whileyou're eroding you.
And I think that's where youknow, that's where we inevitably
perpetuate the pattern of beingabandoned again and again.
(03:43):
It's because we're selfabandoning ourselves in these
moments, and I think that theserelationships come along to show
us and mirror to us how it isthat we're abandoning ourselves.
And so I don't think we canever be in a healthy
relationship as long as we'reself abandoning, because there's
always part of us missing,there's always part of us that's
not showing up to the tablewith the rest of the gang.
(04:03):
And you know we can't heartedly, we can't wholeheartedly be
present in this relationship ifwe're leaving parts of us behind
or shrinking or hiding orwhatever.
So a mindset shift that and Iwas having this conversation
with a friend yesterday you knowit can be scary to walk away
(04:25):
from a relationship, especiallyif you think that you know this
relationship is miraculouslygoing to become the relationship
of your dreams tomorrow.
So I you know the mostimportant question that I always
like to ask, and this is what Ialways ask myself and this is
what we asked, you know, ourfriend yesterday is the person
(04:47):
that you see in front of youright now, whoever he is,
whatever he looks like, whateverhe does, however he treats?
I want you to take a good lookat the person that you see in
front of you right now and I betyou any money that, no matter
how many times you've tried tonegotiate for what you need and
you've campaigned for what youneed and you try to have the
(05:10):
talk as to who it is that youneed them to be and how you want
them to show up in relationshipwith you, but they've pretty
much been consistently the sameperson throughout this
relationship.
Right, like they have notchanged, no matter how many
times you've talked to them, nomatter how many times you know
you've had the talk, theconversation or whatever the
money, how many ways, differentways you've asked for what it is
that you need in thisrelationship, um, they've not
(05:32):
been able to meet you there.
And even if they've promisedand I know I had an ex who did
this every time, he was so goodat this Every time we had the
talk, you know he would come up.
No, from now on.
Things are going to bedifferent, where you're going to
be like this and and, and we'regoing to have these types of
dates and we're going to go outonce a week and we're going to.
You know, we're going to do allthese things that we used to do
(05:54):
, that we haven't been doinganymore and that maybe lasted
about a week, and then he wouldrevert back to his normal
patterns and behaviors.
And that's because that is whohe was Right, whether I liked it
or not, and whether it was theperson I fell in love with or
not.
That is the person he grew upto be and I needed to accept
(06:20):
that.
There was no changing him.
And you know and this is thisis a conversation for another
day, with this conversationbetween you know what is
unconditional love really andwhat does it mean.
But you know, the person thathe who he became was no longer
compatible with what I needed ina relationship.
And that's not to say like,listen, I had this debate, I
know, with somebody recently.
(06:41):
It's not to say that you shouldnever have needs in your
relationship.
Of course you do.
Of course you have.
You have.
Everybody has needs in theirrelationship.
We all have needs for how wewant the other person to show up
, what we want from ourselves,what we want from the other
person and how our livestogether are going to look.
The important thing is thatthat is not that doesn't.
You don't need them to make youfeel something about yourself.
(07:04):
You need to be strong andcentered in your self-worth and
knowing who you are and what youwant and that you are deserving
.
That is not something thatsomebody else can validate for
you or make you feel because ofhow they treat you.
You really need to be able tocultivate those feelings on your
own.
But you know, having said that,aside from that, there is ways
(07:28):
that we like our partners toshow up for us in relationship.
There are communication stylesthat we like that we don't.
There are love languages thatwork for us that don't.
You know all the.
There are values that we needto agree on.
You know people say you knowwhat are the five most important
things in terms of your, yourbeliefs and your lifestyle, and
you know how do you feel aboutyour partner having a different
(07:50):
set of um criteria for theirlifestyle or their beliefs than
you do?
Can you be okay with that?
Can you not like these are?
These are really importantquestions that you need to be
able to ask yourself and reflecton, and that's why I think
having that period or that timeout to be on your own is so
important, as we talked about inthe last episode.
But you know, all that aside, umand I forgot where I was going
(08:12):
with this train of thought butbasically me and this person you
know, we, you know we becametwo totally different people.
We've been together for yearsand we had evolved and we had
all we've grown together, but wehad, we hadn't really grown
together.
We kind of grown apart and wewanted different things and we
expressed ourselves in differentways.
And, you know, we were startingto see the world differently
and our values were starting tochange and we just weren't
(08:33):
compatible anymore.
Not to mention, there was somuch dysfunction in our
relationship and there'sdefinitely was infidelity going
on, even though I wanted to,whether I wanted to admit it or
not, um, you know, and I justkept trying to make it work,
despite seeing all thesedifferences, and it wasn't until
a couple of months before wefinally ended.
When I ended it and I, I, I tookone look at him and I said we
(08:56):
are worlds apart.
Like when did this happen?
And I didn't even notice it.
Like it was happening anderoding slowly over time.
But we had moved worlds apart.
Our values were tremendouslydifferent, um, we wanted wildly
different things.
And not to mention, you know,you know there was trust issues
(09:17):
in the relationship because ofhis extracurricular activities,
like there's no other way to cutit.
And you know, I just got to apoint where I just didn't need
the proof anymore.
It's like I know that this ishappening.
So why am I sitting aroundwaiting for proof that I know
I'm never going to get Right?
So, anyways, all that to say, Iwas terrified to leave this
(09:39):
person.
Terrified because my wholeidentity was wrapped up in being
this person's partner in thelife that we were going to have
together, the home that we weregoing to have together, the
careers we each reach, going tohave, how many cars we're going
to have, how many kids we'regoing to have, like, like,
everything about my identity waswrapped up into this person's,
like, was entangled with thisperson, and that was probably
(10:02):
that was my big mistake, becausemy identity became entangled
with him.
Right, you never want toentangle your identity with
anyone else.
Your identity is yours andyours alone.
Yes, you can partner withpeople and you can be compatible
and you can share life together, but your identity has to be
yours, right, you have youridentity, they have theirs, and
then you have the identity ofthe relationship with the two of
(10:23):
you together, right?
So it's like it's like it'slike a holy trinity it's the you
, the them and the togetherright?
So I lost that.
I lost sight of that, and Ithink that was probably the
scariest part of leaving thisrelationship is because who I?
Who was I when I left?
What was my future?
It was a big, freaking, marqueequestion mark, right?
(10:45):
And I would think about it likewhat?
What would become of my life ifthis person was no longer in it
, when I've literally entrenchedand envisioned my entire, my
entire future with this personbeing there with me?
And then there was the fear ofall the promises they made.
You know that they would change, that things would be better,
that things would be different,that they would, we would
(11:07):
communicate better, we wouldconnect more, we would spend
more quality time together.
You know what, if all that wasgonna happen tomorrow and I
ended the relationship today andI missed out on the, the one
thing that I wanted more thananything in the world, and that
was to make this relationship bewhat I thought it could be, or
what it was in the beginning,that it wasn't anymore and then
one day and this was again avery long like roundabout way of
(11:32):
saying, um, this was thequestion that we asked a friend
of mine yesterday.
The person that you see in frontof you today, who they are
right now and who you've beenfighting with them to change or
snap out of, this person thathas been in front of you for the
last weeks, months, maybe evenyears, or decades even, and they
have not changed.
You know that they haven'tchanged, even though they may
(11:54):
have told you that they would.
You know that they haven'tchanged, even though they may
have told you that they wouldchange, but they haven't.
Can you spend the rest of yourlife with this person?
Is this the person that youwant to be with?
Can you be happy being withthis person the way that they
are right now?
Can you accept them fully,wholly and completely and and,
and, knowing that they willnever change, that this is going
(12:16):
to be who they are for the restof their and?
Can you be happy and can itfeel like a compatible
partnership if they remain thesame?
Because if the answer is no,then you have your answer,
because chances are they won'tchange and some people do change
, but that change you've heardthis a thousand times.
(12:37):
I know it's a cliche, but it'sso true that has to be centrally
motivated, that has to comefrom within them.
That can't come from you.
So you sitting around begging,pleading, coercing, manipulating
, trying to get them to changeis not going to work, doesn't
matter what you say, doesn'tmatter how you say it, doesn't
matter how you bait theconversation, doesn't matter
(12:59):
what arguments you bring to thetable.
It's all going to end the same.
They're not going to changeunless they want to, and chances
are.
If you've fought with them,pleaded with them, tried to
manipulate the situation or notmaybe, but you know massage the
situation right to youradvantage to get them to behave
the way you want it to, or saythe things you want them to say,
(13:20):
or do the things you want themto do.
And they still haven't done it.
What makes you think they'regoing to change what still
haven't done it?
What makes you think they'regoing to change what?
Nothing.
This is who they are.
They've shown it to you because, even though they've said one
thing, they've shown thatthey've they've acted another.
They've acted in another way.
You know they've shown updifferently.
They have they verbally saidthey were going to show up for
(13:40):
you.
So you have to trust thephysical cues of how they're
showing up.
You have to trust who theperson is and what they're doing
and decision that they'remaking outside of those
conversations, because that'swhat's showing you who they
really are and might not be thatthey're a bad person.
They could be a really goodperson, but you just might not
be compatible and that is okayand I think that you know we.
(14:05):
It takes courage to walk away,yeah, especially when there's
nothing waiting.
You know in the horizon, likeanother, like a plan B, waiting
in the horizon, who's everythingthat we've ever wanted, and
it's easy to walk away.
Actually, this happened to meonce where I left someone who
couldn't be what I wanted themto be and I was fighting tooth
(14:26):
and nail to get them to be whatI wanted them to be and I was
fighting tooth and nail to getthem to be who I wanted them to
be and finally in the end, um,you know, I I had met someone
who I was a friend with.
We weren't, nothing was goingon between us.
It was very, very, veryplatonic, but he was somebody
that I could really see myselfwith and I really thought that
there was something therebetween and there was there was
something there between us, um,but he was somebody that I could
(14:47):
really see myself with and Ireally thought that there was
something there between andthere was there was something
there between us, um, but it wascomplicated.
I had my baggage, he had hisbaggage, um, but I had wanted to
leave this other person for solong.
It wasn't until this nextperson came along and I had the
glimmer of hope of thepossibility of the perfect
relationship, just sort ofstanding there on the horizon
(15:08):
for me to walk towards.
And then, when I ended thatrelationship, buddy takes off
and starts dating somebody elseand I'm left oh my god, like.
I'm actually like by myselfright now.
And this is literally whatstarted my healing process, and
I do believe this was by divinedesign, because I know that the
universe was like okay, it'stime for you to leave this
relationship.
We need you to evolve, we needyou to heal, we need you to move
(15:29):
past this, but we know you'renot going to because you're
stubborn as fuck and you'reholding on to this guy like he's
a life raft for you.
So we are going to show yousomething in the distance that
we think, or that you will think, is a good option for you and
like an upgrade and like, oh mygod, this is what I wanted.
See, he is here, I'm going toleave this guy, I'm going to go
for that, and then, boom, leaveyou with nothing but your own
(15:52):
internal thought patterns, fearsand limiting beliefs so that
you can do the fucking work.
That was the purpose of all ofthat.
So, yeah, so you know, likeagain, and that that that is
probably what led to my sevenyear relationship hiatus, which
happened shortly, maybe notright after that, but a couple
(16:13):
years after.
That is when my um relationshiphiatus kind of began.
I knew the universe was pushingme to be on my own.
I knew that there was anevolution that I needed to go
through, and I knew that inorder to go through it, I needed
to spend a season by myself.
And, and by the time that camearound, I'm like okay, you know
what?
I'm okay with this.
Now this feels like the rightthing for me to do, but it took
(16:34):
me a long time to get there andI think that you know.
It always comes back to thoseimportant questions that I think
you need to ask yourself is canyou see yourself with this
person for the rest of your lifethe way they are right now?
Can you accept them, love themand be excited to be with them
for the rest of your life?
And another question to askyourself which is you know, you
(16:56):
can kind of learn from myexperience is you know, if Buddy
is not showing up the way thatyou wanted to, like this is plan
A and plan A is not showing upthe way you wanted to, and
suddenly there's plan B sittingthere on the horizon with that,
checks all your boxes and comeswith all the bells and whistles
that you would have wanted in arelationship.
(17:16):
And again, I'm talking aboutsignificant things.
I'm not talking about material,surface level things Like.
I'm talking about the importantthings that you look for in a
relationship and that you wouldwant in somebody to spend your
life with.
If somebody were to come alongwith all those qualities and
traits that you're looking for,the values that you're looking
for, and be fully and completelycompatible.
How quickly would you leavethis person that you're with
(17:37):
right now If they were alreadythere, if they were standing
right in front of you sayinghere, I am, here, I am, I'm here
, you can have me.
Now we can start our lifetogether, we can live our
happily ever after.
I will do all the things thatyou've been asking this guy over
here to do that he's not beenable to do for you.
I'm going to show up and do allof those things for you.
Would you leave?
And how fast?
(17:58):
Would it make your head spin?
Would it make his head spin?
Probably.
And so, if that's your answerthere, your answer right, you
know that you're meant to leavethis person.
You just have to find thecourage and the faith to know
that wasting time with somebodywho's not for you, um, not only
is it detrimental to you, toyour energy, to your spirit,
(18:21):
spirit, to your essence and andand who you are, but it's also
keeping you from therelationship you want.
You just have to be willing tohave faith that it's going to
show up when it wants to show up, and it may not be on the
timeline that you want, buttrusting that you'll be okay in
the process and that it's animportant part of your
preparation to being with thatperson.
(18:42):
Because I do believe that Iwent through.
I went through thatrelationship hiatus for so many
reasons, so many reasons.
There was so much healing, um,but I do think it was.
It was, it was in preparationfor calling in a higher love
that I had experienced up untilthat point, and I do feel more
ready than I ever have to callin that level of love, um, and
(19:08):
but at the same time, I'm alsopatient with it.
You know I, as much as I want itand I'm ready for it, I'm like,
oh, I can't wait for it to showup, but also not in a position
to settle Right.
And believe me when I tell youthe universe has tested that
theory with me and I was like,nope, not taking the bait, not
settling.
I know who's for me and I know,I know how my person would
treat me and I know how theywouldn't, and I'm not ready to
(19:29):
settle.
I am no longer available forsettling on that.
And you know, and I think thatyou know when you can find the
courage to walk away from what'sserving you without not serving
you, or the relationship that'snot for you.
You really do set the intentionto say, hey, universe, I don't
want this, this is what I want.
(19:50):
Oh, okay, now you've made roomfor it, now it can come in.
But also, you know, recognizingthat you know sometimes you do
have to spend some time on yourown getting ready for that
compatibility to come into yourlife, because the last thing you
want and I will leave you withthis thought, you know the last
(20:10):
thing you want is for thisamazing relationship to come
into your life and then tosabotage it with all the baggage
that you're carrying from yourprevious relationships.
You know you don't want that.
You don't want that.
So take your time, don't rushit.
You know, when it's time, it'stime, you'll know.
The important thing is listento yourself, listen to who you
(20:32):
are, what you want and whatyou're feeling, and move through
that and acknowledge that andknow that every step brings you
closer to the relationship thatyou really want and that really
is compatible with who you areand who you're meant to be in
this life.
Okay, so, if you love thisepisode, please leave a positive
rating and review on Applepodcasts or Spotify or wherever
you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome, if you're new.
Today's kind of a continuationfrom last week's conversation
where we talked a lot about youknow the importance of being
able to spend some time on yourown for a season and you know
all the benefits and the healingthat came from that opportunity
(00:20):
for me when I went on myrelationship hiatus.
For me when I went on myrelationship hiatus, and how it
really empowered me to makebetter choices in my
relationships and it eliminatedthe fear of missing out from,
you know, just settling forrelationships that I knew
weren't aligned for me in oneway or another, you know.
But sometimes and this is wherewe take it a step further in
(00:41):
this episode this is where wetake it a step further in this
episode Sometimes we also needthe courage to walk away from a
relationship that we are alreadyin that we know isn't for us.
And I know that I've been heremany times where, you know, I
have been in very unhealthyrelationship dynamics and I knew
that I wasn't being treated theway that I deserve to be
treated, whether it was becauseI was being cheated on and lied
(01:05):
to about it for years.
And you know, I stuck it outand I did everything that I
thought you, you were supposedto do to make a relationship
work.
And I felt like I couldn'tleave because I didn't really
have the proof that the cheatingwas happening, although I knew
it was happening.
I mean, there's so many signsthat it was happening but I was
afraid to walk away until I hadthe proof, like like hardcore
(01:28):
evidence, that it was takingplace.
And even though you knowwhether I could prove or not
prove the cheating, I stillwasn't being treated the way I
wanted to be treated in arelationship.
There were still so many thingsmissing, so many things that I
wasn't getting in thatrelationship.
And then there were otherrelationships where, you know, I
knew I was settling forbreadcrumbs, I knew I was
(01:49):
settling for scraps.
I knew guy was one foot in, onefoot out the entire time and I
knew that every time he ghostedme and disappeared for several
weeks it was because he washooking up with somebody else.
And then when that grew staleand or that didn't work out or
for whatever reason, you know,month, two months, he would, you
know, show up in my DMS again.
I start blowing out my textmessages, right, and I knew they
(02:14):
weren't for me.
I knew it, but I stayed.
I was afraid to leave and againit goes back to that same fear
that we talked about last week,that fear of but what if this is
as good as it's going to get?
What if I'm not going to findany better?
Or what if I'm single, like for10 years, before I find
(02:35):
somebody else to fill this void,right?
Or to take his place?
Or and this was the worst fear,I think, of all because so many
times I would, you know, breakup with people and then they
would end up, you know, marryingor falling in love with the
next girl.
It's like what if I leave thisguy and he gives everything?
Like tomorrow, he wakes uptomorrow morning and suddenly he
(02:55):
is a man of my dreams and he'sready to give all his love, and
he ends up giving all his loveto somebody else other than me,
right, and and you can actually,like, you can almost visually
see this play out in your mind'seye, right, and it's scary.
So it keeps you stuck becauseit keeps you hanging on to
something that isn't for you andagain you are draining all of
(03:20):
your energy, you are depletingall of your resources and you
are hiding so many parts ofyourself because you're afraid
to let go of this one person.
And you know, all the whileyou're eroding you.
And I think that's where youknow, that's where we inevitably
perpetuate the pattern of beingabandoned again and again.
(03:43):
It's because we're selfabandoning ourselves in these
moments, and I think that theserelationships come along to show
us and mirror to us how it isthat we're abandoning ourselves.
And so I don't think we canever be in a healthy
relationship as long as we'reself abandoning, because there's
always part of us missing,there's always part of us that's
not showing up to the tablewith the rest of the gang.
(04:03):
And you know we can't heartedly, we can't wholeheartedly be
present in this relationship ifwe're leaving parts of us behind
or shrinking or hiding orwhatever.
So a mindset shift that and Iwas having this conversation
with a friend yesterday you knowit can be scary to walk away
(04:25):
from a relationship, especiallyif you think that you know this
relationship is miraculouslygoing to become the relationship
of your dreams tomorrow.
So I you know the mostimportant question that I always
like to ask, and this is what Ialways ask myself and this is
what we asked, you know, ourfriend yesterday is the person
(04:47):
that you see in front of youright now, whoever he is,
whatever he looks like, whateverhe does, however he treats?
I want you to take a good lookat the person that you see in
front of you right now and I betyou any money that, no matter
how many times you've tried tonegotiate for what you need and
you've campaigned for what youneed and you try to have the
(05:10):
talk as to who it is that youneed them to be and how you want
them to show up in relationshipwith you, but they've pretty
much been consistently the sameperson throughout this
relationship.
Right, like they have notchanged, no matter how many
times you've talked to them, nomatter how many times you know
you've had the talk, theconversation or whatever the
money, how many ways, differentways you've asked for what it is
that you need in thisrelationship, um, they've not
(05:32):
been able to meet you there.
And even if they've promisedand I know I had an ex who did
this every time, he was so goodat this Every time we had the
talk, you know he would come up.
No, from now on.
Things are going to bedifferent, where you're going to
be like this and and, and we'regoing to have these types of
dates and we're going to go outonce a week and we're going to.
You know, we're going to do allthese things that we used to do
(05:54):
, that we haven't been doinganymore and that maybe lasted
about a week, and then he wouldrevert back to his normal
patterns and behaviors.
And that's because that is whohe was Right, whether I liked it
or not, and whether it was theperson I fell in love with or
not.
That is the person he grew upto be and I needed to accept
(06:20):
that.
There was no changing him.
And you know and this is thisis a conversation for another
day, with this conversationbetween you know what is
unconditional love really andwhat does it mean.
But you know, the person thathe who he became was no longer
compatible with what I needed ina relationship.
And that's not to say like,listen, I had this debate, I
know, with somebody recently.
(06:41):
It's not to say that you shouldnever have needs in your
relationship.
Of course you do.
Of course you have.
You have.
Everybody has needs in theirrelationship.
We all have needs for how wewant the other person to show up
, what we want from ourselves,what we want from the other
person and how our livestogether are going to look.
The important thing is thatthat is not that doesn't.
You don't need them to make youfeel something about yourself.
(07:04):
You need to be strong andcentered in your self-worth and
knowing who you are and what youwant and that you are deserving
.
That is not something thatsomebody else can validate for
you or make you feel because ofhow they treat you.
You really need to be able tocultivate those feelings on your
own.
But you know, having said that,aside from that, there is ways
(07:28):
that we like our partners toshow up for us in relationship.
There are communication stylesthat we like that we don't.
There are love languages thatwork for us that don't.
You know all the.
There are values that we needto agree on.
You know people say you knowwhat are the five most important
things in terms of your, yourbeliefs and your lifestyle, and
you know how do you feel aboutyour partner having a different
(07:50):
set of um criteria for theirlifestyle or their beliefs than
you do?
Can you be okay with that?
Can you not like these are?
These are really importantquestions that you need to be
able to ask yourself and reflecton, and that's why I think
having that period or that timeout to be on your own is so
important, as we talked about inthe last episode.
But you know, all that aside, umand I forgot where I was going
(08:12):
with this train of thought butbasically me and this person you
know, we, you know we becametwo totally different people.
We've been together for yearsand we had evolved and we had
all we've grown together, but wehad, we hadn't really grown
together.
We kind of grown apart and wewanted different things and we
expressed ourselves in differentways.
And, you know, we were startingto see the world differently
and our values were starting tochange and we just weren't
(08:33):
compatible anymore.
Not to mention, there was somuch dysfunction in our
relationship and there'sdefinitely was infidelity going
on, even though I wanted to,whether I wanted to admit it or
not, um, you know, and I justkept trying to make it work,
despite seeing all thesedifferences, and it wasn't until
a couple of months before wefinally ended.
When I ended it and I, I, I tookone look at him and I said we
(08:56):
are worlds apart.
Like when did this happen?
And I didn't even notice it.
Like it was happening anderoding slowly over time.
But we had moved worlds apart.
Our values were tremendouslydifferent, um, we wanted wildly
different things.
And not to mention, you know,you know there was trust issues
(09:17):
in the relationship because ofhis extracurricular activities,
like there's no other way to cutit.
And you know, I just got to apoint where I just didn't need
the proof anymore.
It's like I know that this ishappening.
So why am I sitting aroundwaiting for proof that I know
I'm never going to get Right?
So, anyways, all that to say, Iwas terrified to leave this
(09:39):
person.
Terrified because my wholeidentity was wrapped up in being
this person's partner in thelife that we were going to have
together, the home that we weregoing to have together, the
careers we each reach, going tohave, how many cars we're going
to have, how many kids we'regoing to have, like, like,
everything about my identity waswrapped up into this person's,
like, was entangled with thisperson, and that was probably
(10:02):
that was my big mistake, becausemy identity became entangled
with him.
Right, you never want toentangle your identity with
anyone else.
Your identity is yours andyours alone.
Yes, you can partner withpeople and you can be compatible
and you can share life together, but your identity has to be
yours, right, you have youridentity, they have theirs, and
then you have the identity ofthe relationship with the two of
(10:23):
you together, right?
So it's like it's like it'slike a holy trinity it's the you
, the them and the togetherright?
So I lost that.
I lost sight of that, and Ithink that was probably the
scariest part of leaving thisrelationship is because who I?
Who was I when I left?
What was my future?
It was a big, freaking, marqueequestion mark, right?
(10:45):
And I would think about it likewhat?
What would become of my life ifthis person was no longer in it
, when I've literally entrenchedand envisioned my entire, my
entire future with this personbeing there with me?
And then there was the fear ofall the promises they made.
You know that they would change, that things would be better,
that things would be different,that they would, we would
(11:07):
communicate better, we wouldconnect more, we would spend
more quality time together.
You know what, if all that wasgonna happen tomorrow and I
ended the relationship today andI missed out on the, the one
thing that I wanted more thananything in the world, and that
was to make this relationship bewhat I thought it could be, or
what it was in the beginning,that it wasn't anymore and then
one day and this was again avery long like roundabout way of
(11:32):
saying, um, this was thequestion that we asked a friend
of mine yesterday.
The person that you see in frontof you today, who they are
right now and who you've beenfighting with them to change or
snap out of, this person thathas been in front of you for the
last weeks, months, maybe evenyears, or decades even, and they
have not changed.
You know that they haven'tchanged, even though they may
(11:54):
have told you that they would.
You know that they haven'tchanged, even though they may
have told you that they wouldchange, but they haven't.
Can you spend the rest of yourlife with this person?
Is this the person that youwant to be with?
Can you be happy being withthis person the way that they
are right now?
Can you accept them fully,wholly and completely and and,
and, knowing that they willnever change, that this is going
(12:16):
to be who they are for the restof their and?
Can you be happy and can itfeel like a compatible
partnership if they remain thesame?
Because if the answer is no,then you have your answer,
because chances are they won'tchange and some people do change
, but that change you've heardthis a thousand times.
(12:37):
I know it's a cliche, but it'sso true that has to be centrally
motivated, that has to comefrom within them.
That can't come from you.
So you sitting around begging,pleading, coercing, manipulating
, trying to get them to changeis not going to work, doesn't
matter what you say, doesn'tmatter how you say it, doesn't
matter how you bait theconversation, doesn't matter
(12:59):
what arguments you bring to thetable.
It's all going to end the same.
They're not going to changeunless they want to, and chances
are.
If you've fought with them,pleaded with them, tried to
manipulate the situation or notmaybe, but you know massage the
situation right to youradvantage to get them to behave
the way you want it to, or saythe things you want them to say,
(13:20):
or do the things you want themto do.
And they still haven't done it.
What makes you think they'regoing to change what still
haven't done it?
What makes you think they'regoing to change what?
Nothing.
This is who they are.
They've shown it to you because, even though they've said one
thing, they've shown thatthey've they've acted another.
They've acted in another way.
You know they've shown updifferently.
They have they verbally saidthey were going to show up for
(13:40):
you.
So you have to trust thephysical cues of how they're
showing up.
You have to trust who theperson is and what they're doing
and decision that they'remaking outside of those
conversations, because that'swhat's showing you who they
really are and might not be thatthey're a bad person.
They could be a really goodperson, but you just might not
be compatible and that is okayand I think that you know we.
(14:05):
It takes courage to walk away,yeah, especially when there's
nothing waiting.
You know in the horizon, likeanother, like a plan B, waiting
in the horizon, who's everythingthat we've ever wanted, and
it's easy to walk away.
Actually, this happened to meonce where I left someone who
couldn't be what I wanted themto be and I was fighting tooth
(14:26):
and nail to get them to be whatI wanted them to be and I was
fighting tooth and nail to getthem to be who I wanted them to
be and finally in the end, um,you know, I I had met someone
who I was a friend with.
We weren't, nothing was goingon between us.
It was very, very, veryplatonic, but he was somebody
that I could really see myselfwith and I really thought that
there was something therebetween and there was there was
something there between us, um,but he was somebody that I could
(14:47):
really see myself with and Ireally thought that there was
something there between andthere was there was something
there between us, um, but it wascomplicated.
I had my baggage, he had hisbaggage, um, but I had wanted to
leave this other person for solong.
It wasn't until this nextperson came along and I had the
glimmer of hope of thepossibility of the perfect
relationship, just sort ofstanding there on the horizon
(15:08):
for me to walk towards.
And then, when I ended thatrelationship, buddy takes off
and starts dating somebody elseand I'm left oh my god, like.
I'm actually like by myselfright now.
And this is literally whatstarted my healing process, and
I do believe this was by divinedesign, because I know that the
universe was like okay, it'stime for you to leave this
relationship.
We need you to evolve, we needyou to heal, we need you to move
(15:29):
past this, but we know you'renot going to because you're
stubborn as fuck and you'reholding on to this guy like he's
a life raft for you.
So we are going to show yousomething in the distance that
we think, or that you will think, is a good option for you and
like an upgrade and like, oh mygod, this is what I wanted.
See, he is here, I'm going toleave this guy, I'm going to go
for that, and then, boom, leaveyou with nothing but your own
(15:52):
internal thought patterns, fearsand limiting beliefs so that
you can do the fucking work.
That was the purpose of all ofthat.
So, yeah, so you know, likeagain, and that that that is
probably what led to my sevenyear relationship hiatus, which
happened shortly, maybe notright after that, but a couple
(16:13):
years after.
That is when my um relationshiphiatus kind of began.
I knew the universe was pushingme to be on my own.
I knew that there was anevolution that I needed to go
through, and I knew that inorder to go through it, I needed
to spend a season by myself.
And, and by the time that camearound, I'm like okay, you know
what?
I'm okay with this.
Now this feels like the rightthing for me to do, but it took
(16:34):
me a long time to get there andI think that you know.
It always comes back to thoseimportant questions that I think
you need to ask yourself is canyou see yourself with this
person for the rest of your lifethe way they are right now?
Can you accept them, love themand be excited to be with them
for the rest of your life?
And another question to askyourself which is you know, you
(16:56):
can kind of learn from myexperience is you know, if Buddy
is not showing up the way thatyou wanted to, like this is plan
A and plan A is not showing upthe way you wanted to, and
suddenly there's plan B sittingthere on the horizon with that,
checks all your boxes and comeswith all the bells and whistles
that you would have wanted in arelationship.
(17:16):
And again, I'm talking aboutsignificant things.
I'm not talking about material,surface level things Like.
I'm talking about the importantthings that you look for in a
relationship and that you wouldwant in somebody to spend your
life with.
If somebody were to come alongwith all those qualities and
traits that you're looking for,the values that you're looking
for, and be fully and completelycompatible.
How quickly would you leavethis person that you're with
(17:37):
right now If they were alreadythere, if they were standing
right in front of you sayinghere, I am, here, I am, I'm here
, you can have me.
Now we can start our lifetogether, we can live our
happily ever after.
I will do all the things thatyou've been asking this guy over
here to do that he's not beenable to do for you.
I'm going to show up and do allof those things for you.
Would you leave?
And how fast?
(17:58):
Would it make your head spin?
Would it make his head spin?
Probably.
And so, if that's your answerthere, your answer right, you
know that you're meant to leavethis person.
You just have to find thecourage and the faith to know
that wasting time with somebodywho's not for you, um, not only
is it detrimental to you, toyour energy, to your spirit,
(18:21):
spirit, to your essence and andand who you are, but it's also
keeping you from therelationship you want.
You just have to be willing tohave faith that it's going to
show up when it wants to show up, and it may not be on the
timeline that you want, buttrusting that you'll be okay in
the process and that it's animportant part of your
preparation to being with thatperson.
(18:42):
Because I do believe that Iwent through.
I went through thatrelationship hiatus for so many
reasons, so many reasons.
There was so much healing, um,but I do think it was.
It was, it was in preparationfor calling in a higher love
that I had experienced up untilthat point, and I do feel more
ready than I ever have to callin that level of love, um, and
(19:08):
but at the same time, I'm alsopatient with it.
You know I, as much as I want itand I'm ready for it, I'm like,
oh, I can't wait for it to showup, but also not in a position
to settle Right.
And believe me when I tell youthe universe has tested that
theory with me and I was like,nope, not taking the bait, not
settling.
I know who's for me and I know,I know how my person would
treat me and I know how theywouldn't, and I'm not ready to
(19:29):
settle.
I am no longer available forsettling on that.
And you know, and I think thatyou know when you can find the
courage to walk away from what'sserving you without not serving
you, or the relationship that'snot for you.
You really do set the intentionto say, hey, universe, I don't
want this, this is what I want.
(19:50):
Oh, okay, now you've made roomfor it, now it can come in.
But also, you know, recognizingthat you know sometimes you do
have to spend some time on yourown getting ready for that
compatibility to come into yourlife, because the last thing you
want and I will leave you withthis thought, you know the last
(20:10):
thing you want is for thisamazing relationship to come
into your life and then tosabotage it with all the baggage
that you're carrying from yourprevious relationships.
You know you don't want that.
You don't want that.
So take your time, don't rushit.
You know, when it's time, it'stime, you'll know.
The important thing is listento yourself, listen to who you
(20:32):
are, what you want and whatyou're feeling, and move through
that and acknowledge that andknow that every step brings you
closer to the relationship thatyou really want and that really
is compatible with who you areand who you're meant to be in
this life.
Okay, so, if you love thisepisode, please leave a positive
rating and review on Applepodcasts or Spotify or wherever
you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
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