You can fake “black cat” energy all you want… but your energy never lies.
If you’ve been trying to master that mysterious, unbothered, magnetic vibe to attract love, while secretly spiraling, overthinking, and checking his online status every five minutes, you’re not alone. I’ve been there.
The truth?
Acting unbothered without actually feeling secure is just emotional cosplay. It might work at first, but eventually, the cracks show and people can feel the anxious attachment underneath, even if they can’t name it. That’s when the chasing, people-pleasing, and centering men above yourself takes over.
In this episode of The Femme Cast, I’m sharing:
🎤 Why fake confidence always sabotages real connection.
🎤 How I went from “cool girl” façade to full-blown anxious chaser (and the heartbreak it brought).
🎤 The exact process I used to heal my anxious attachment and shift into secure, magnetic energy.
🎤 How decentralizing men and making yourself the main character transforms not just your relationships — but your entire life.
We’ll talk about the hidden link between childhood abandonment wounds and adult relationship patterns, why authentic “black cat energy” is a byproduct of deep self-healing, and how to stop chasing approval so you can start attracting the kind of love, purpose, and expansion you actually desire.
If you’ve ever wondered why you keep abandoning yourself in relationships — or how to break the cycle for good — this episode is your permission slip to stop performing, start healing, and become magnetic in a way that’s impossible to fake.
Are you healing from cheating? Betrayal? A heartbreak that not only broke your heart but broke your life?
If so, join me for She Rises: A FREE & LIVE 90-minute healing and activation experience for the woman ready to alchemize the pain of lies, betrayal, and being cheated on into unapologetic power, radiant confidence, and the woman she was always meant to be.
Betrayal doesn’t get the final word — you do.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
Welcome if you're new.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
I have made several attempts torecord this episode, all of
which have been a hot fuckingmess.
So here we go.
I have no idea which take thisis, I just know there's been
many.
Okay, so today's conversation isall about this idea behind
(00:23):
being in black hat energy andacting unbothered, which we're
hearing about so much in thepersonal development space,
especially when it comes todating and relationships for
women.
Right, there's this wholemovement about blackhead energy
and being unbothered and howit's the key to being magnetic
as fuck, to attracting men, andin many ways this is true, right
(00:50):
, but and I say but, there's acatch in that it has to be real
and it has to be authentic, andthis is the part of the
conversation that oftentimes Idon't always see being talked
about enough.
In fact, the reason why Idecided to talk about this today
is I was actually.
You guys know that I'm veryactive on Instagram.
(01:10):
I'm constantly posting, I loveengaging in comments and then
DMs, and if you're not followingme there, I'm not sure why, but
you should be.
But I was actually commentingon a fellow creator's post who,
by the way, I have a ton ofrespect for and I think she does
amazing work and most often Iwill agree with what she's
saying.
And sometimes, you know, I'llbring a different personal
perspective.
(01:30):
But, very respectfully, I'm notabout, you know, putting down
other creators.
I'm just not about that life.
That's just not fucking cool.
Like, don't be a fucking meangirl.
If you're gonna be a mean girl,go someplace else.
Don't be a fucking mean girl.
If you're going to be a meangirl, go someplace else.
But you know I made thiscomment and it sparked this
(01:53):
hailstorm of DMs and commentsback and conversations.
So I really wanted to bring itto the podcast today because
here's my take on it, right?
Because here's my take on it,right.
So choosing to be in black hatenergy and being in this vibe of
being unbothered and unattachedin relationship right, and
(02:15):
taking the focus away from them,right, and making you the focus
of your life and becomingcentral and focused on yourself,
is absolutely powerful.
It is powerful and it ismagnetic as fuck.
There is no disputing itwhatsoever.
It actually does work.
(02:37):
Okay Now, and here's the but.
Okay If it's not authentic, ifyou don't genuinely feel that
way, it'll be short-lived Inthat, yeah, you may attract a
lot of people in your space andin your vicinity and people to
interact with and engage withand go out with and whatever,
(02:59):
but those relationships won'tlast if that black cat energy,
that unbothered-esque essencethat attracted them in the first
place is not genuine.
And the reason why it won't lastis because, number one,
energetically they'll pick it upright away.
It'll be incongruent.
(03:20):
Your actions, your words don'talign with how you actually feel
, and they'll be able to pick upon that.
They won't know what it is,they won't be able to articulate
it, but something will be offin the vibe and they will know
very quickly.
And second of all, even if theydon't realize it or if they
don't get the vibe or whatever,eventually any effort that
(03:43):
you've made to make decisions ortake actions that you know keep
you as a central focus, you'llstart to abandon all those and
you'll start to slowly make themthe central focus.
So either one of two thingswill happen.
Usually, what will happen isthey will pull away because as
soon as you start to chase orattach or cling or force, to
(04:07):
chase or attach or cling orforce.
It's the laws of physics.
Whatever it is you're trying tochase will run.
Whatever it is you're trying toattach to will slip right
through your fingers.
Simply, the laws of physicsLike yes, we can get into the
conversation of a male,emotionally available versus
emotionally unavailable men.
Sure, but even emotionallyavailable men don't like being
cling.
Emotionally available anybody,men or women, don't like to be
(04:30):
cling to, attached to.
Nobody likes that energybecause it starts to feel
suffocating, right, althoughsometimes people can't really
articulate what they're feeling,but it doesn't feel good, right
.
And so, energetically, you'llstart to behave that way.
(04:51):
You'll start to abandon what itis you know, your needs, what
you need to feel whole withinyourself, the things that are
important to you.
You'll start to put those onthe back burner and you'll start
to prioritize and centralizetheir needs, right.
So, like I said, either theywill run or what you're going to
end up with is a relationshipwith an imbalanced dynamic where
(05:12):
you're constantly giving,giving, giving, giving, giving.
They're taking, taking, taking,taking, taking.
Now you're resentful becausethey're not giving as much as
you are and you have toxicity,right.
So either way, as much as youare and you have toxicity right.
So either way, it's not goingto end up well for you, right?
If you really want to and thisisn't a judgment, this is
(05:33):
somebody who's done black catenergy.
I didn't know it was black catenergy at the time because it
was before this conversation ofblack cat energy even became a
thing.
But I did it twice.
I did it, you know, in my early20s, which was pretty authentic
, like I still had someinsecurities down.
You know it still came from alot of insecurity and, you know,
(05:53):
fear of being vulnerable.
But I think I had blackheadenergy, pretty like down to a
science even though I didn'tknow that's what it was when I
was unbothered, I didn't get tooattached, I tried to focus on
my own thing, and every time Istarted to get attached to
somebody I would forcibly pullmyself away.
I would forcibly pull myselfaway and start to distract
(06:16):
myself with things that weremeaningful for me.
And so, you know, I actuallycultivated this healthy
confidence in relationship right.
Then, you know, after my youknow first, real long-term
relationship and you know, beinglied to and cheated on and
manipulated for so long, myabandonment wounds were so
(06:39):
activated coming out of that.
And so, coming out of that, Iwasn't able to have that healthy
attachment style.
I was now very anxiousattachment style where I was so
afraid of somebody doing that tome again that I was constantly,
constantly seeking all thisexternal validation, all this
fear of abandonment andrejection coming up, and so all
(07:00):
I would try to do is pretend tobe in blackhead energy because I
knew it worked for me so wellthe last time.
But I wasn't really in itbecause beneath the surface I
was anxious.
I was afraid you're going toabandon me, you're going to
reject me.
I need to lock this in before Ilose you.
Even before I knew whether ornot I even wanted this person or
(07:23):
if they were good for me.
You know that's.
There was so much anxietybeneath my dating and my
relationships that, even thoughI was trying to act unbothered
and I was trying to act like Iwas in this, I was not Like.
I was such a like flailing ballof insecurity on the inside it
was like crazy.
(07:43):
But I was trying to pretend andact as if.
And you know, with what's thatother saying that?
Everybody not acting as if, butfake it till you make it right.
I was trying to fake it till Imake it.
I'm gonna.
I'm gonna act confident until Iactually am confident did not
fucking work.
It was such a conundrum oftoxic nonsense like.
(08:05):
Hence why I called it mydouchebag era.
You know what I mean.
Like none of those relationshipsended well for me None, either
I, you know I attracted themvery quickly, but then very
quickly they would ghost becausemy anxious attachment style
would just start to like rearits ugly head, or I would end up
being in a long-term situationship with them pretending to be
(08:30):
okay, to be in a situation shipwhen really what I wanted was a
relationship, but doing all thiscool, unbothered nonsense,
thinking that one day they'llcome to their senses, but they
never did.
They'll come to their senses,but they never did.
And so, you know, I ended upwasting all this time in these
(08:52):
emotionally unavailablerelationships that were
literally dead end and goingnowhere, thinking that one day
they would show the promise of areal relationship.
Right, and pretending that Iwas okay with not being in a
real relationship.
But I wasn't.
I wasn't.
I wasn't being honest about howI was feeling.
I wasn't being honest aboutwhat I wanted.
(09:12):
You know, all this actingunbothered and you know like I
don't care was literally keepingme stuck in this cycle of
dating emotionally unavailablemen.
And you know, either I wouldget stuck in like I said, either
I would get stuck in one ofthose two dynamics where I would
(09:34):
start dating them and then theywould ghost because somewhere
they would pick up on my anxiousattachment style beneath the
surface, like something about myvibe didn't quite match how I
was showing up and they pickedup on it right.
And then on the other end isthe guys that would just like
take advantage and kind of floatin and out of my life.
Whenever they got bored, rightor between other chicks, like
(09:58):
when they didn't have anybodyelse, they would come floating
back into my world.
We'd hang out for a coupleweeks and then they'd ghost
again and this was like I mean,this went on for the longest
time and it was literally thiswhole conversation of black cat
energy and being unbothered andtrying to act cool and
uncomplicated when that's notwhat was happening.
(10:22):
So the reason why I say allthis today is that, yes, black
cat energy works in attractingpeople, being unbothered works
in attracting people.
But number one, it has to comefrom a genuine place.
Like you can't fake it, youknow.
It has to be coming from areally genuine, authentic place,
and the only way to do that isto heal your anxious attachment
(10:45):
style.
That's the only way that you'regoing to get there.
So do the work in healing youranxious attachment style first.
That's number one.
And number two be really,really clear about what you do
and don't want in a relationship.
You can still be in black hat,unbothered energy, but be clear
that what you're looking for isa real relationship.
(11:06):
And if that person whoeveryou're, you know, considering is
not looking for a realrelationship, if they're just
looking for a situation, ship orsomething casual, so be it.
That's not what I'm here for.
I'm here for the real thing.
So you know peace, love, light.
See your way out of here.
You know, like, this is not theplace for you.
(11:26):
I'm only entertaining peoplewho are actually in it to find a
real, healthy, lovingrelationship, right, and then,
once you find people who areactually looking for the exact
same thing as you, then you canstart to explore okay, are we a
good fit for one another?
But be honest.
Be honest about what you want,be honest about what you're
(11:49):
feeling, and if your feeling isan anxious attachment style,
then work on that first.
Okay, it has got to come fromthat first.
Once you heal that anxiousattachment style, you will
naturally be in this black catunbothered energy, because
you're no longer going to beclingy and needy with anybody,
(12:10):
because you'll be solid withinyourself.
That really is the key todecentralizing men and making
yourself the focus.
Because when we're in anxiousattachment style, we make them
the focus right.
We make having their validationthe focus.
We make getting text messagesfrom them the focus.
(12:31):
We make getting attention fromthem the focus.
We make getting a commitmentfrom them, even though they've
told us time and time againthey're looking for commitment.
They've told us, they've saidit, they've said it with their
words and they've said it withtheir body language and they've
said it any which way that theycan, but somehow we're still
(12:51):
clinging to the idea that maybesomeday they won't, it will not.
And what physical cues they'regiving you to think that, oh
well, he's being affectionate.
No, no, that's not what'shappening.
It's not, it's just intimacy.
It's intimacy with noattachment.
That's all it is Like.
Please hear me on this, okay?
(13:13):
Please don't mistake intimacyfor commitment.
That is a big no-no, okay, butanyway, I digress.
See, this is how I derail fromconversations.
Do you see what happens?
I go off on these tangents andthen it's like you can't bring
me back, but anyway, and Iforgot what I was talking about.
Oh my God, this is insane.
(13:36):
Okay, all that to say that youknow that is the default setting
when we're coming from ananxious attachment style, right.
When we get to, when we finallyheal that anxious attachment
style, right, we're no longermaking them the central focus.
Now we can make ourselves acentral focus.
(13:56):
We can prioritize what we want.
We can be clear about what weneed in a relationship.
We can be set healthyboundaries.
We can be honest right aboutwhat's coming up for us or what
we want in a relationship.
Right, and what we want forourselves and for our life and
(14:16):
be willing to make that apriority right.
That's what gets to be.
That's what you get toexperience when you heal that
anxious attachment style andyou're able to step into a
healthier attachment style,because now you being in a
relationship is now is now youknow it's not.
Somehow your survival is nolonger dependent on it.
(14:39):
You know that's what anxiousattachment style feels like.
It feels like your survival isdependent on this relationship
working out, and if it doesn'twork out, you're literally going
to die, because the pain ofrejection and abandonment is
such that it feels like dying,like literally, when you're
there, you know.
But when you can come out ofthat anxious attachment style
(14:59):
and be like, okay, you know whatI'm really good in, who I am
and what I'm doing in my life.
And you know, I'm I'm I'mreally passionate about the
things that I'm doing and I'mexcited about the life that I'm
creating.
And, um, you know, I have goals, I have dreams, I have
ambitions and and things that Iwant to do in my life.
And just not know that, whetheror not this relationship works
(15:21):
out great if it does, but if itdoesn't, you'll be okay.
You know, being able to standin that energy of knowing that,
with or without thatrelationship, you'll be okay, or
even just the knowing that youcan walk away from a
relationship that isn't for you.
Knowing that you can have, youknow that you will have the
strength to walk away from arelationship, even if you do
(15:43):
love them, even if they're great, even if there's great
chemistry, knowing that you havethe willpower, the drive, the
commitment to yourself to walkaway if that relationship
doesn't work.
(16:03):
What's the word that I'mlooking for here Does it mesh
well with the vision that you'vecreated for your life?
You know that you'll have tomake some serious I'm talking
serious sacrifices here on lifechoices in order to make this
relationship work and you'reable to say you know what, as
much as I love this person, I amnot ready to give up these
(16:27):
things that are important to me.
I'm not ready to turn my backon these values that are
important to me.
I'm not ready to turn my backon these values that are
important to me.
I'm not ready to turn my backon these life goals that I've
set for myself that areimportant to me.
And I had to do this veryrecently with somebody right,
and it was one of the hardestthings I ever had to do, because
I genuinely loved this person,but I knew I could not have the
(16:47):
life that I wanted with thisperson, and being with this
person would take massivesacrifice, and I was not ready
to do that.
And so I was able to make thechoice to say you know what I
love you and this hurts me somuch to do this, but as much as
I love you, I love me more, andI had to kind of pull the plug
(17:08):
on that.
I love me more and you know Ihad to kind of pull the plug on
that and that was probably oneof my most difficult yet most
empowering decisions that I evermade.
Right being able to look at, tobe in that situation and still,
no matter how uncomfortable itwas, no matter how difficult it
was, no matter how scary it was,to still say that I get to
choose myself here and trustthat I will be okay, that to me
(17:32):
was like a life-changing momentfor me and I want that for each
and every one of you, you know.
But again, that does not comewithout first healing that
anxious attachment style thatmakes you feel desperate to
attach to, to cling, to chaseand to control the outcomes of
(17:53):
relationships.
Okay, that's really all itboils down to.
When you can heal that part ofyourself, you can be in black
cat, unbothered energy, noproblem, because you feel really
good in who you are and whatyou're doing, and you know that
anybody who comes along who's agreat compliment for that.
You know you can bring thissort of healthy attachment style
to of hey, love being with you,but I know I'll be okay without
(18:16):
you, like.
You know what I mean.
And so, for me, how I healed myanxious attachment style when I
was going through this sort oflike detox period of my anxious
attachment style and I think Italked about this in a previous
episode was every time I gotthat urge to text, you know,
(18:40):
again and again, and again, orto write that really long text,
right, you like that.
You have to like writing yournotes first and you kind of edit
it a few times before you sendit and you save it and you kind
of like mull it over and it getsreally long.
You're talking about all yourlike.
Before I do any of that, oranytime, I feel like I want to
do any of that.
Every time, I feel like I wantto send that long text or check
(19:03):
my phone, or wonder why theyhaven't called, or check to see
if they're online, or oranything like that.
Or you know, whatever, whateverit is that I'm doing when I'm
anxious in that moment, um,instead of and and this is the
hard part you know, instead ofreaching out, instead of sending
that text, instead of lookingto see if they're online, it's
(19:23):
putting the phone down orwhatever it is that you're
reaching out, um, and trying togain that control or that access
through it's putting whateverthat thing is down and really
paying attention to what youfeel on the inside and literally
like treat it like an addiction.
You breathe until the cravingpasses.
You literally sit there and youbreathe until the craving
(19:47):
passes.
And I remember because you knowwhat.
It's funny because I, for yearsI smoked and I did the same
thing with cigarettes as I didwith quitting toxic
relationships and healing byanxious attachment.
It was the exact same process.
I would literally like breathethrough the cravings and try and
(20:07):
distract myself for a littlebit, or maybe that works.
That was probably more forcigarettes, but with when it
came to relationships, it wasmore breathing through the urge
to want to text, to reach out,to reach for my phone, to check
and see when the last time theywere online was.
Did they read my message?
Oh, the worst was when they.
Actually I saw that they wereonline but they didn't actually
(20:27):
read my message, so theypurposely ignored it and I'm
like, oh dang, that was always adoozy.
But anyway, you know, goingthrough that experience and
every time I would get triggeredand every time I would want to
reach for my phone or send thema message or give them shit or
write them that long-winded text.
I would just stop and I wouldbreathe and I would feel
whatever was coming up for meand the first thing I and this
(20:50):
is literally how emotionalenergetics for me became a thing
.
I would name what I was feelingand give it a name, whether it
was sadness, anger, rejection,whatever, I would name it, and I
would just, I would feel it andI would keep breathing and let
that emotion just be present.
I wouldn't try to fix it, Iwouldn't try to distract myself
from it.
I wouldn't try to fix it, Iwouldn't try to distract myself
from it, I wouldn't try tosoothe it, I would just let it
(21:11):
be there and let it be presentand trust that, whatever it was,
it would pass, it was momentaryand I just let it be there and
I would just keep breathinguntil it kind of settled right.
And sometimes in the beginningthis took a while right, but as
you do this more it gets fasterright.
So you kind of settle in, yousettle in, you settle down and
you kind of get to this neutralplace and then you can just kind
(21:32):
of ask yourself what is it thatI was really needing from this
person and how can I give thatto myself right now?
So, if I was needing love fromthem, or if I was needing them
to confirm, like to validatethat they love me, how could I
validate that I love myself?
What could I do for myself tomake me feel like I had my own
love, if I wanted to know thatthey were still with me, that
(21:57):
they weren't going to abandon orreject me, right?
What are all the ways I wasabandoning and rejecting myself
and how could I flip that aroundright now?
Was I putting my needs on theback burner?
Was I putting the things thatwere a priority for me second to
their priorities and startlooking at all the ways of how
(22:18):
can I put you first, babe?
How can I put you first?
What is it that you need?
Do you need love?
Do you need attention?
Do you need affection?
What is it that you need that Ican give you and make you the
priority right now.
And I continue to do this overand over and over and over again
.
And every time I did this, Igot less and less, to the point
(22:40):
where I got less and lessanxious about my relationships
and more, more in a deeperrelationship with myself and I
think that's where my seven-yearrelationship hiatus really
began was this whole journey ofcoming back to me and coming
back to myself and coming backto wholeness.
And in that process, like Ihealed so many things because I
(23:01):
realized that underneath thesurface of all this anxious
attachment style and I could saythis for myself and I could say
this for a lot of my clientstoo a lot of the times what it
comes down to is how you dealtwith emotionally unavailable
parent or parent figure in yourlife, somebody that you felt
like you had to earn love fromor constantly perform for, or
(23:23):
were always craving for theirvalidation, that they loved you,
whether it was in words ofaffirmation or whatever.
Because I know for me, like my,my dad, who's very loving um,
but not um very emotionallyavailable, not because he's a
bad person, but because heliterally does.
He's old school, like he doesnot know.
(23:44):
He was never taught how to beemotionally available.
He was never taught how to bepresent for his own emotion, let
alone be present for somebodyelse's Um.
So for him, emotions were very,very uncomfortable conversation
, right, um, and even, like youknow, like you know, know, when
it came to words of affirmationlike just weren't a thing.
(24:05):
Um, the way he showed love werelike acts of kindness and and
gifts and things like that,right, like you know, he would
be the first one to like bringhome our favorite dessert or, um
, you know, take us out on afamily picnic and and get our
favorite takeout to eat that day.
Know what I mean?
Like he was the first one toplan all these like cool things
(24:26):
that we did as like a family andwhatnot, and show love in those
ways.
But he was.
It was impossible for him toactually articulate what he was
feeling.
And I'm somebody.
My words of effort, like how Ireceive love, is through words
of affirmation, like with me,it's, it's, it's everything
about, is about what you say,which kind of shot me in the
foot because with my long-termrelationship, he would say all
(24:46):
the right things but his actionswould be completely the
opposite.
So I learned to appreciate, um,I guess, the kind of love that
my dad gave, which was, you know, with through actions and and
and gifts and whatnot, right andacts of service and whatnot.
So it's so funny how thatworked out.
I just had that realization,actually, because for the
(25:09):
longest time I didn't feel lovefor my dad because he can never
articulate it, but he alwaysshowed it Right.
But then you know, fast forward,I'm in a relationship with
somebody who would say itconstantly, I would always say
the right things, but theiractions did not align with what
it is that they were saying andit was completely incongruent.
And I'm like I'm like mindfucked here, like what does this
(25:36):
even mean?
All boil down to that littlegirl inside of me who, as a
little like when I was little,always believing, or having a
hard time believing, that my dadloved me because he wouldn't
articulate it verbally, he wouldshow it in different ways and
that wasn't a language Iunderstood.
You know, for me, I understand,I understood words, I
(25:58):
understood what you told me andI took that as face value.
And if you didn't say something, and I took that as face value.
And if you didn't say something, I took that as face value too,
right, without looking at theother things.
And this is where you knowsometimes.
You know, as children weprocess things the best way, we
know how, and it's not alwaysright, and that's why we end up
doing a lot of this work when weget older.
(26:19):
So a lot of my anxiousattachment style came from that,
that little girl who feltunloved by her dad because he
couldn't articulate it, you know.
And so, you know, when Istarted to move through that
process of checking in with whatI was feeling and what I needed
and what I needed to do formyself, somewhere in there I
(26:42):
started to discover that therewas that little girl in me who
was just looking for love andverbal validation that she was
loved and that she wasappreciated and seen and, you
know, taken care of.
And I think, you know, I got tobecome that voice for that
little girl inside of me.
You know, and that's where alot of my healing happened.
And this is a lot of what we dotogether when we work together
(27:04):
in session.
You know, obviously this tookme years to do on my own.
We can, you know, move througha huge chunk of it in a 90
minute session, right, becausewe go pretty deep.
So that's why, a lot of thetimes when the women, you know,
when women have a session withme after, like that first
session, they notice changes intheir energy, in their auric
(27:27):
field, in their relationshipsaround them and the kinds of
relationships they're calling in, they notice a difference
instantly and that's because wego so deep into some of these
moments where we've kind ofshaped our perspective or we
shaped our energetic signatureand literally start to like
deconstruct and rebuild it in amore healthy way, and a lot of
(27:51):
these anxieties just go awayreally, really, really quickly
when we're in session together.
But that's not to say that youcan't do a lot of this work on
your own.
You totally can.
It obviously takes a little bitmore time, even for me, like I
wish I had somebody who could dowhat I do for me.
I try to do it on me but it'snot always easy to do for
yourself because you know likeyou have blind spots, you know,
(28:13):
and sometimes you need the otherperson there to have your blind
spots for you Also.
I'm also very attached to myoutcome, whereas somebody else
who's facilitating is not soattached to your outcome.
They can facilitate as aneutral, empower facilitator and
allow you to be, you know,really like calm, that, that
that little beast inside of youthat's always like in this
(28:33):
anxious attachment mode, and youcan come to relationships
feeling more whole and completeand in a healthier attachment
style.
Then the black cat energy, thatwhole, unbothered energy, just
(28:57):
becomes a natural byproduct andit's no longer incongruent with
the energy that you're puttingout.
Everything is aligned,everything makes sense and you
know you're not giving all thesemixed, crazy energetic signals
to the people around you,because now your words are
matching your physical presenceand are matching your energetic
(29:18):
signal.
So you know that that is.
That in itself, is what makesyou magnetic right.
When all of those are aligned,unattached, unbothered, good,
whole and complete withinyourself, knowing that, no
matter what happens with theoutcome of this relationship,
you can set your boundaries, youcan speak your truth, you can,
(29:40):
you can raise your standards,you can ask for what it is that
you want and you can know thatif this relationship does not
work out, it is not going to bethe end of you Um, because you
know that your person is outthere and you'll find them when
the time is right and you don'tneed to attach to anybody who
isn't um, or quickly try andlock something down that isn't
for you or that isn't meant foryou or that isn't for your
highest good.
(30:00):
Do you see the difference?
It all comes down to healingthat anxious attachment style
and, if you can do that part,the blackhead energy, the
unbothered like that.
So start with the anxiousattachment style.
First, pay attention to whatmakes you anxious.
Why does it make you anxious?
What triggers, or who triggers,that anxious attachment style
(30:22):
in you?
Who does it remind you of right?
Start there and then askyourself what am I feeling?
What do I need?
How can I give that to myself?
And keep doing that and as youdo that, more and more and more
and more, all that anxiety willstart to dissolve and take up
less space.
Get a little quieter, rightEach time.
(30:45):
You move through it to thepoint where you can come to a
relationship with that healthyattachment style and be able to
be in your black hat energy, noproblem, without having to fool
anybody, most of all yourself.
So let me know what you thinkof this episode, let me know
what you take away from this andhow it resonated for you.
And obviously, of course, likeI say every time, if you love
this episode, please leave apositive rating and review on
(31:09):
iTunes or Spotify or whereveryou're listening to this.
Until next time, you guys.
Massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome
back to the show.
Welcome if you're new.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you guys here.
I have made several attempts torecord this episode, all of
which have been a hot fuckingmess.
So here we go.
I have no idea which take thisis, I just know there's been
many.
Okay, so today's conversation isall about this idea behind
(00:23):
being in black hat energy andacting unbothered, which we're
hearing about so much in thepersonal development space,
especially when it comes todating and relationships for
women.
Right, there's this wholemovement about blackhead energy
and being unbothered and howit's the key to being magnetic
as fuck, to attracting men, andin many ways this is true, right
(00:50):
, but and I say but, there's acatch in that it has to be real
and it has to be authentic, andthis is the part of the
conversation that oftentimes Idon't always see being talked
about enough.
In fact, the reason why Idecided to talk about this today
is I was actually.
You guys know that I'm veryactive on Instagram.
(01:10):
I'm constantly posting, I loveengaging in comments and then
DMs, and if you're not followingme there, I'm not sure why, but
you should be.
But I was actually commentingon a fellow creator's post who,
by the way, I have a ton ofrespect for and I think she does
amazing work and most often Iwill agree with what she's
saying.
And sometimes, you know, I'llbring a different personal
perspective.
(01:30):
But, very respectfully, I'm notabout, you know, putting down
other creators.
I'm just not about that life.
That's just not fucking cool.
Like, don't be a fucking meangirl.
If you're gonna be a mean girl,go someplace else.
Don't be a fucking mean girl.
If you're going to be a meangirl, go someplace else.
But you know I made thiscomment and it sparked this
(01:53):
hailstorm of DMs and commentsback and conversations.
So I really wanted to bring itto the podcast today because
here's my take on it, right?
Because here's my take on it,right.
So choosing to be in black hatenergy and being in this vibe of
being unbothered and unattachedin relationship right, and
(02:15):
taking the focus away from them,right, and making you the focus
of your life and becomingcentral and focused on yourself,
is absolutely powerful.
It is powerful and it ismagnetic as fuck.
There is no disputing itwhatsoever.
It actually does work.
(02:37):
Okay Now, and here's the but.
Okay If it's not authentic, ifyou don't genuinely feel that
way, it'll be short-lived Inthat, yeah, you may attract a
lot of people in your space andin your vicinity and people to
interact with and engage withand go out with and whatever,
(02:59):
but those relationships won'tlast if that black cat energy,
that unbothered-esque essencethat attracted them in the first
place is not genuine.
And the reason why it won't lastis because, number one,
energetically they'll pick it upright away.
It'll be incongruent.
(03:20):
Your actions, your words don'talign with how you actually feel
, and they'll be able to pick upon that.
They won't know what it is,they won't be able to articulate
it, but something will be offin the vibe and they will know
very quickly.
And second of all, even if theydon't realize it or if they
don't get the vibe or whatever,eventually any effort that
(03:43):
you've made to make decisions ortake actions that you know keep
you as a central focus, you'llstart to abandon all those and
you'll start to slowly make themthe central focus.
So either one of two thingswill happen.
Usually, what will happen isthey will pull away because as
soon as you start to chase orattach or cling or force, to
(04:07):
chase or attach or cling orforce.
It's the laws of physics.
Whatever it is you're trying tochase will run.
Whatever it is you're trying toattach to will slip right
through your fingers.
Simply, the laws of physicsLike yes, we can get into the
conversation of a male,emotionally available versus
emotionally unavailable men.
Sure, but even emotionallyavailable men don't like being
cling.
Emotionally available anybody,men or women, don't like to be
(04:30):
cling to, attached to.
Nobody likes that energybecause it starts to feel
suffocating, right, althoughsometimes people can't really
articulate what they're feeling,but it doesn't feel good, right
.
And so, energetically, you'llstart to behave that way.
(04:51):
You'll start to abandon what itis you know, your needs, what
you need to feel whole withinyourself, the things that are
important to you.
You'll start to put those onthe back burner and you'll start
to prioritize and centralizetheir needs, right.
So, like I said, either theywill run or what you're going to
end up with is a relationshipwith an imbalanced dynamic where
(05:12):
you're constantly giving,giving, giving, giving, giving.
They're taking, taking, taking,taking, taking.
Now you're resentful becausethey're not giving as much as
you are and you have toxicity,right.
So either way, as much as youare and you have toxicity right.
So either way, it's not goingto end up well for you, right?
If you really want to and thisisn't a judgment, this is
(05:33):
somebody who's done black catenergy.
I didn't know it was black catenergy at the time because it
was before this conversation ofblack cat energy even became a
thing.
But I did it twice.
I did it, you know, in my early20s, which was pretty authentic
, like I still had someinsecurities down.
You know it still came from alot of insecurity and, you know,
(05:53):
fear of being vulnerable.
But I think I had blackheadenergy, pretty like down to a
science even though I didn'tknow that's what it was when I
was unbothered, I didn't get tooattached, I tried to focus on
my own thing, and every time Istarted to get attached to
somebody I would forcibly pullmyself away.
I would forcibly pull myselfaway and start to distract
(06:16):
myself with things that weremeaningful for me.
And so, you know, I actuallycultivated this healthy
confidence in relationship right.
Then, you know, after my youknow first, real long-term
relationship and you know, beinglied to and cheated on and
manipulated for so long, myabandonment wounds were so
(06:39):
activated coming out of that.
And so, coming out of that, Iwasn't able to have that healthy
attachment style.
I was now very anxiousattachment style where I was so
afraid of somebody doing that tome again that I was constantly,
constantly seeking all thisexternal validation, all this
fear of abandonment andrejection coming up, and so all
(07:00):
I would try to do is pretend tobe in blackhead energy because I
knew it worked for me so wellthe last time.
But I wasn't really in itbecause beneath the surface I
was anxious.
I was afraid you're going toabandon me, you're going to
reject me.
I need to lock this in before Ilose you.
Even before I knew whether ornot I even wanted this person or
(07:23):
if they were good for me.
You know that's.
There was so much anxietybeneath my dating and my
relationships that, even thoughI was trying to act unbothered
and I was trying to act like Iwas in this, I was not Like.
I was such a like flailing ballof insecurity on the inside it
was like crazy.
(07:43):
But I was trying to pretend andact as if.
And you know, with what's thatother saying that?
Everybody not acting as if, butfake it till you make it right.
I was trying to fake it till Imake it.
I'm gonna.
I'm gonna act confident until Iactually am confident did not
fucking work.
It was such a conundrum oftoxic nonsense like.
(08:05):
Hence why I called it mydouchebag era.
You know what I mean.
Like none of those relationshipsended well for me None, either
I, you know I attracted themvery quickly, but then very
quickly they would ghost becausemy anxious attachment style
would just start to like rearits ugly head, or I would end up
being in a long-term situationship with them pretending to be
(08:30):
okay, to be in a situation shipwhen really what I wanted was a
relationship, but doing all thiscool, unbothered nonsense,
thinking that one day they'llcome to their senses, but they
never did.
They'll come to their senses,but they never did.
And so, you know, I ended upwasting all this time in these
(08:52):
emotionally unavailablerelationships that were
literally dead end and goingnowhere, thinking that one day
they would show the promise of areal relationship.
Right, and pretending that Iwas okay with not being in a
real relationship.
But I wasn't.
I wasn't.
I wasn't being honest about howI was feeling.
I wasn't being honest aboutwhat I wanted.
(09:12):
You know, all this actingunbothered and you know like I
don't care was literally keepingme stuck in this cycle of
dating emotionally unavailablemen.
And you know, either I wouldget stuck in like I said, either
I would get stuck in one ofthose two dynamics where I would
(09:34):
start dating them and then theywould ghost because somewhere
they would pick up on my anxiousattachment style beneath the
surface, like something about myvibe didn't quite match how I
was showing up and they pickedup on it right.
And then on the other end isthe guys that would just like
take advantage and kind of floatin and out of my life.
Whenever they got bored, rightor between other chicks, like
(09:58):
when they didn't have anybodyelse, they would come floating
back into my world.
We'd hang out for a coupleweeks and then they'd ghost
again and this was like I mean,this went on for the longest
time and it was literally thiswhole conversation of black cat
energy and being unbothered andtrying to act cool and
uncomplicated when that's notwhat was happening.
(10:22):
So the reason why I say allthis today is that, yes, black
cat energy works in attractingpeople, being unbothered works
in attracting people.
But number one, it has to comefrom a genuine place.
Like you can't fake it, youknow.
It has to be coming from areally genuine, authentic place,
and the only way to do that isto heal your anxious attachment
(10:45):
style.
That's the only way that you'regoing to get there.
So do the work in healing youranxious attachment style first.
That's number one.
And number two be really,really clear about what you do
and don't want in a relationship.
You can still be in black hat,unbothered energy, but be clear
that what you're looking for isa real relationship.
(11:06):
And if that person whoeveryou're, you know, considering is
not looking for a realrelationship, if they're just
looking for a situation, ship orsomething casual, so be it.
That's not what I'm here for.
I'm here for the real thing.
So you know peace, love, light.
See your way out of here.
You know, like, this is not theplace for you.
(11:26):
I'm only entertaining peoplewho are actually in it to find a
real, healthy, lovingrelationship, right, and then,
once you find people who areactually looking for the exact
same thing as you, then you canstart to explore okay, are we a
good fit for one another?
But be honest.
Be honest about what you want,be honest about what you're
(11:49):
feeling, and if your feeling isan anxious attachment style,
then work on that first.
Okay, it has got to come fromthat first.
Once you heal that anxiousattachment style, you will
naturally be in this black catunbothered energy, because
you're no longer going to beclingy and needy with anybody,
(12:10):
because you'll be solid withinyourself.
That really is the key todecentralizing men and making
yourself the focus.
Because when we're in anxiousattachment style, we make them
the focus right.
We make having their validationthe focus.
We make getting text messagesfrom them the focus.
(12:31):
We make getting attention fromthem the focus.
We make getting a commitmentfrom them, even though they've
told us time and time againthey're looking for commitment.
They've told us, they've saidit, they've said it with their
words and they've said it withtheir body language and they've
said it any which way that theycan, but somehow we're still
(12:51):
clinging to the idea that maybesomeday they won't, it will not.
And what physical cues they'regiving you to think that, oh
well, he's being affectionate.
No, no, that's not what'shappening.
It's not, it's just intimacy.
It's intimacy with noattachment.
That's all it is Like.
Please hear me on this, okay?
(13:13):
Please don't mistake intimacyfor commitment.
That is a big no-no, okay, butanyway, I digress.
See, this is how I derail fromconversations.
Do you see what happens?
I go off on these tangents andthen it's like you can't bring
me back, but anyway, and Iforgot what I was talking about.
Oh my God, this is insane.
(13:36):
Okay, all that to say that youknow that is the default setting
when we're coming from ananxious attachment style, right.
When we get to, when we finallyheal that anxious attachment
style, right, we're no longermaking them the central focus.
Now we can make ourselves acentral focus.
(13:56):
We can prioritize what we want.
We can be clear about what weneed in a relationship.
We can be set healthyboundaries.
We can be honest right aboutwhat's coming up for us or what
we want in a relationship.
Right, and what we want forourselves and for our life and
(14:16):
be willing to make that apriority right.
That's what gets to be.
That's what you get toexperience when you heal that
anxious attachment style andyou're able to step into a
healthier attachment style,because now you being in a
relationship is now is now youknow it's not.
Somehow your survival is nolonger dependent on it.
(14:39):
You know that's what anxiousattachment style feels like.
It feels like your survival isdependent on this relationship
working out, and if it doesn'twork out, you're literally going
to die, because the pain ofrejection and abandonment is
such that it feels like dying,like literally, when you're
there, you know.
But when you can come out ofthat anxious attachment style
(14:59):
and be like, okay, you know whatI'm really good in, who I am
and what I'm doing in my life.
And you know, I'm I'm I'mreally passionate about the
things that I'm doing and I'mexcited about the life that I'm
creating.
And, um, you know, I have goals, I have dreams, I have
ambitions and and things that Iwant to do in my life.
And just not know that, whetheror not this relationship works
(15:21):
out great if it does, but if itdoesn't, you'll be okay.
You know, being able to standin that energy of knowing that,
with or without thatrelationship, you'll be okay, or
even just the knowing that youcan walk away from a
relationship that isn't for you.
Knowing that you can have, youknow that you will have the
strength to walk away from arelationship, even if you do
(15:43):
love them, even if they're great, even if there's great
chemistry, knowing that you havethe willpower, the drive, the
commitment to yourself to walkaway if that relationship
doesn't work.
(16:03):
What's the word that I'mlooking for here Does it mesh
well with the vision that you'vecreated for your life?
You know that you'll have tomake some serious I'm talking
serious sacrifices here on lifechoices in order to make this
relationship work and you'reable to say you know what, as
much as I love this person, I amnot ready to give up these
(16:27):
things that are important to me.
I'm not ready to turn my backon these values that are
important to me.
I'm not ready to turn my backon these values that are
important to me.
I'm not ready to turn my backon these life goals that I've
set for myself that areimportant to me.
And I had to do this veryrecently with somebody right,
and it was one of the hardestthings I ever had to do, because
I genuinely loved this person,but I knew I could not have the
(16:47):
life that I wanted with thisperson, and being with this
person would take massivesacrifice, and I was not ready
to do that.
And so I was able to make thechoice to say you know what I
love you and this hurts me somuch to do this, but as much as
I love you, I love me more, andI had to kind of pull the plug
(17:08):
on that.
I love me more and you know Ihad to kind of pull the plug on
that and that was probably oneof my most difficult yet most
empowering decisions that I evermade.
Right being able to look at, tobe in that situation and still,
no matter how uncomfortable itwas, no matter how difficult it
was, no matter how scary it was,to still say that I get to
choose myself here and trustthat I will be okay, that to me
(17:32):
was like a life-changing momentfor me and I want that for each
and every one of you, you know.
But again, that does not comewithout first healing that
anxious attachment style thatmakes you feel desperate to
attach to, to cling, to chaseand to control the outcomes of
(17:53):
relationships.
Okay, that's really all itboils down to.
When you can heal that part ofyourself, you can be in black
cat, unbothered energy, noproblem, because you feel really
good in who you are and whatyou're doing, and you know that
anybody who comes along who's agreat compliment for that.
You know you can bring thissort of healthy attachment style
to of hey, love being with you,but I know I'll be okay without
(18:16):
you, like.
You know what I mean.
And so, for me, how I healed myanxious attachment style when I
was going through this sort oflike detox period of my anxious
attachment style and I think Italked about this in a previous
episode was every time I gotthat urge to text, you know,
(18:40):
again and again, and again, orto write that really long text,
right, you like that.
You have to like writing yournotes first and you kind of edit
it a few times before you sendit and you save it and you kind
of like mull it over and it getsreally long.
You're talking about all yourlike.
Before I do any of that, oranytime, I feel like I want to
do any of that.
Every time, I feel like I wantto send that long text or check
(19:03):
my phone, or wonder why theyhaven't called, or check to see
if they're online, or oranything like that.
Or you know, whatever, whateverit is that I'm doing when I'm
anxious in that moment, um,instead of and and this is the
hard part you know, instead ofreaching out, instead of sending
that text, instead of lookingto see if they're online, it's
(19:23):
putting the phone down orwhatever it is that you're
reaching out, um, and trying togain that control or that access
through it's putting whateverthat thing is down and really
paying attention to what youfeel on the inside and literally
like treat it like an addiction.
You breathe until the cravingpasses.
You literally sit there and youbreathe until the craving
(19:47):
passes.
And I remember because you knowwhat.
It's funny because I, for yearsI smoked and I did the same
thing with cigarettes as I didwith quitting toxic
relationships and healing byanxious attachment.
It was the exact same process.
I would literally like breathethrough the cravings and try and
(20:07):
distract myself for a littlebit, or maybe that works.
That was probably more forcigarettes, but with when it
came to relationships, it wasmore breathing through the urge
to want to text, to reach out,to reach for my phone, to check
and see when the last time theywere online was.
Did they read my message?
Oh, the worst was when they.
Actually I saw that they wereonline but they didn't actually
(20:27):
read my message, so theypurposely ignored it and I'm
like, oh dang, that was always adoozy.
But anyway, you know, goingthrough that experience and
every time I would get triggeredand every time I would want to
reach for my phone or send thema message or give them shit or
write them that long-winded text.
I would just stop and I wouldbreathe and I would feel
whatever was coming up for meand the first thing I and this
(20:50):
is literally how emotionalenergetics for me became a thing
.
I would name what I was feelingand give it a name, whether it
was sadness, anger, rejection,whatever, I would name it, and I
would just, I would feel it andI would keep breathing and let
that emotion just be present.
I wouldn't try to fix it, Iwouldn't try to distract myself
from it.
I wouldn't try to fix it, Iwouldn't try to distract myself
from it, I wouldn't try tosoothe it, I would just let it
(21:11):
be there and let it be presentand trust that, whatever it was,
it would pass, it was momentaryand I just let it be there and
I would just keep breathinguntil it kind of settled right.
And sometimes in the beginningthis took a while right, but as
you do this more it gets fasterright.
So you kind of settle in, yousettle in, you settle down and
you kind of get to this neutralplace and then you can just kind
(21:32):
of ask yourself what is it thatI was really needing from this
person and how can I give thatto myself right now?
So, if I was needing love fromthem, or if I was needing them
to confirm, like to validatethat they love me, how could I
validate that I love myself?
What could I do for myself tomake me feel like I had my own
love, if I wanted to know thatthey were still with me, that
(21:57):
they weren't going to abandon orreject me, right?
What are all the ways I wasabandoning and rejecting myself
and how could I flip that aroundright now?
Was I putting my needs on theback burner?
Was I putting the things thatwere a priority for me second to
their priorities and startlooking at all the ways of how
(22:18):
can I put you first, babe?
How can I put you first?
What is it that you need?
Do you need love?
Do you need attention?
Do you need affection?
What is it that you need that Ican give you and make you the
priority right now.
And I continue to do this overand over and over and over again
.
And every time I did this, Igot less and less, to the point
(22:40):
where I got less and lessanxious about my relationships
and more, more in a deeperrelationship with myself and I
think that's where my seven-yearrelationship hiatus really
began was this whole journey ofcoming back to me and coming
back to myself and coming backto wholeness.
And in that process, like Ihealed so many things because I
(23:01):
realized that underneath thesurface of all this anxious
attachment style and I could saythis for myself and I could say
this for a lot of my clientstoo a lot of the times what it
comes down to is how you dealtwith emotionally unavailable
parent or parent figure in yourlife, somebody that you felt
like you had to earn love fromor constantly perform for, or
(23:23):
were always craving for theirvalidation, that they loved you,
whether it was in words ofaffirmation or whatever.
Because I know for me, like my,my dad, who's very loving um,
but not um very emotionallyavailable, not because he's a
bad person, but because heliterally does.
He's old school, like he doesnot know.
(23:44):
He was never taught how to beemotionally available.
He was never taught how to bepresent for his own emotion, let
alone be present for somebodyelse's Um.
So for him, emotions were very,very uncomfortable conversation
, right, um, and even, like youknow, like you know, know, when
it came to words of affirmationlike just weren't a thing.
(24:05):
Um, the way he showed love werelike acts of kindness and and
gifts and things like that,right, like you know, he would
be the first one to like bringhome our favorite dessert or, um
, you know, take us out on afamily picnic and and get our
favorite takeout to eat that day.
Know what I mean?
Like he was the first one toplan all these like cool things
(24:26):
that we did as like a family andwhatnot, and show love in those
ways.
But he was.
It was impossible for him toactually articulate what he was
feeling.
And I'm somebody.
My words of effort, like how Ireceive love, is through words
of affirmation, like with me,it's, it's, it's everything
about, is about what you say,which kind of shot me in the
foot because with my long-termrelationship, he would say all
(24:46):
the right things but his actionswould be completely the
opposite.
So I learned to appreciate, um,I guess, the kind of love that
my dad gave, which was, you know, with through actions and and
and gifts and whatnot, right andacts of service and whatnot.
So it's so funny how thatworked out.
I just had that realization,actually, because for the
(25:09):
longest time I didn't feel lovefor my dad because he can never
articulate it, but he alwaysshowed it Right.
But then you know, fast forward,I'm in a relationship with
somebody who would say itconstantly, I would always say
the right things, but theiractions did not align with what
it is that they were saying andit was completely incongruent.
And I'm like I'm like mindfucked here, like what does this
(25:36):
even mean?
All boil down to that littlegirl inside of me who, as a
little like when I was little,always believing, or having a
hard time believing, that my dadloved me because he wouldn't
articulate it verbally, he wouldshow it in different ways and
that wasn't a language Iunderstood.
You know, for me, I understand,I understood words, I
(25:58):
understood what you told me andI took that as face value.
And if you didn't say something, and I took that as face value.
And if you didn't say something, I took that as face value too,
right, without looking at theother things.
And this is where you knowsometimes.
You know, as children weprocess things the best way, we
know how, and it's not alwaysright, and that's why we end up
doing a lot of this work when weget older.
(26:19):
So a lot of my anxiousattachment style came from that,
that little girl who feltunloved by her dad because he
couldn't articulate it, you know.
And so, you know, when Istarted to move through that
process of checking in with whatI was feeling and what I needed
and what I needed to do formyself, somewhere in there I
(26:42):
started to discover that therewas that little girl in me who
was just looking for love andverbal validation that she was
loved and that she wasappreciated and seen and, you
know, taken care of.
And I think, you know, I got tobecome that voice for that
little girl inside of me.
You know, and that's where alot of my healing happened.
And this is a lot of what we dotogether when we work together
(27:04):
in session.
You know, obviously this tookme years to do on my own.
We can, you know, move througha huge chunk of it in a 90
minute session, right, becausewe go pretty deep.
So that's why, a lot of thetimes when the women, you know,
when women have a session withme after, like that first
session, they notice changes intheir energy, in their auric
(27:27):
field, in their relationshipsaround them and the kinds of
relationships they're calling in, they notice a difference
instantly and that's because wego so deep into some of these
moments where we've kind ofshaped our perspective or we
shaped our energetic signatureand literally start to like
deconstruct and rebuild it in amore healthy way, and a lot of
(27:51):
these anxieties just go awayreally, really, really quickly
when we're in session together.
But that's not to say that youcan't do a lot of this work on
your own.
You totally can.
It obviously takes a little bitmore time, even for me, like I
wish I had somebody who could dowhat I do for me.
I try to do it on me but it'snot always easy to do for
yourself because you know likeyou have blind spots, you know,
(28:13):
and sometimes you need the otherperson there to have your blind
spots for you Also.
I'm also very attached to myoutcome, whereas somebody else
who's facilitating is not soattached to your outcome.
They can facilitate as aneutral, empower facilitator and
allow you to be, you know,really like calm, that, that
that little beast inside of youthat's always like in this
(28:33):
anxious attachment mode, and youcan come to relationships
feeling more whole and completeand in a healthier attachment
style.
Then the black cat energy, thatwhole, unbothered energy, just
(28:57):
becomes a natural byproduct andit's no longer incongruent with
the energy that you're puttingout.
Everything is aligned,everything makes sense and you
know you're not giving all thesemixed, crazy energetic signals
to the people around you,because now your words are
matching your physical presenceand are matching your energetic
(29:18):
signal.
So you know that that is.
That in itself, is what makesyou magnetic right.
When all of those are aligned,unattached, unbothered, good,
whole and complete withinyourself, knowing that, no
matter what happens with theoutcome of this relationship,
you can set your boundaries, youcan speak your truth, you can,
(29:40):
you can raise your standards,you can ask for what it is that
you want and you can know thatif this relationship does not
work out, it is not going to bethe end of you Um, because you
know that your person is outthere and you'll find them when
the time is right and you don'tneed to attach to anybody who
isn't um, or quickly try andlock something down that isn't
for you or that isn't meant foryou or that isn't for your
highest good.
(30:00):
Do you see the difference?
It all comes down to healingthat anxious attachment style
and, if you can do that part,the blackhead energy, the
unbothered like that.
So start with the anxiousattachment style.
First, pay attention to whatmakes you anxious.
Why does it make you anxious?
What triggers, or who triggers,that anxious attachment style
(30:22):
in you?
Who does it remind you of right?
Start there and then askyourself what am I feeling?
What do I need?
How can I give that to myself?
And keep doing that and as youdo that, more and more and more
and more, all that anxiety willstart to dissolve and take up
less space.
Get a little quieter, rightEach time.
(30:45):
You move through it to thepoint where you can come to a
relationship with that healthyattachment style and be able to
be in your black hat energy, noproblem, without having to fool
anybody, most of all yourself.
So let me know what you thinkof this episode, let me know
what you take away from this andhow it resonated for you.
And obviously, of course, likeI say every time, if you love
this episode, please leave apositive rating and review on
(31:09):
iTunes or Spotify or whereveryou're listening to this.
Until next time, you guys.
Massive love.
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