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July 17, 2025 29 mins

Why do we keep chasing people who don’t choose us — even when we know better?

In this powerful, soul-baring episode of The Femme Cast, I break down the emotional addiction behind chasing emotionally unavailable partners — and why breaking free from this cycle feels so hard. Drawing from my own experience during a 7-year relationship hiatus, I share how I treated chasing like an addiction… and how this one shift changed everything.

This episode is for the woman who’s tired of begging, convincing, or shrinking herself to be chosen — and is ready to choose herself instead.

Inside, we dive into:

  • The emotional voids we try to fill through unavailable partners
  • The two questions that helped me stop chasing and start healing
  • Why chasing others only makes them run — and what actually makes you magnetic
  • The difference between codependent needs vs. healthy relationship desires
  • The runner-chaser dynamic and how it’s playing out in your texts, your thoughts, and your energy
  • The raw, messy truth about how I stopped outsourcing my worth to men who couldn’t meet me

We also explore what it really means to become the center of your own life — not in a selfish way, but in a self-honoring way. This is the work that helped me call back the parts of myself I had abandoned for love that wasn’t real, and finally make space for love that truly is.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in the loop of performing, proving, and overgiving — this episode is your mirror, your permission slip, and your first step out.

🎧 Listen now to reclaim your energy, shift the dynamic, and attract love that chooses you without the chase.

Ready to stop abandoning yourself for love? To finally rise from the wreckage of betrayal and become the woman you were born to be?

The Sacred Reclamation Series: Betrayal Edition starts July 21st right here on The Femme Cast.

5 soul-stirring podcast episodes + a FREE live healing + activation on July 29th @ 8PM EST

This is your sign.
This is your turning point.

Claim your seat now at the FREE live healing + activation now.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass

Mark as Played
Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to
the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you guys back.
It is getting loud outside.
I have been recording on anational holiday and there's
like festivals happening, justlike on the main road outside of
where I live.
So we're going to try and getthrough this video as best we

(00:21):
can, or podcast as best we can.
So we're going to try and getthrough this video as best we
can or podcast as best we can,but you may hear some noise in
the background and it's nothingthat I can help and it just it
is what it is.
This is where I live.
Take it or leave it.
One day I will have a studio.
Mark my words, I will have afucking studio.
But until then, we have to justmake this work.
You guys, we just have to justmake this work, you guys, we

(00:45):
just have to.
Okay.
So one of you guys and I loveyou reached out to me recently
and said you know, you listenedto one of the recent episodes
and you were like, actually, youknow what?
Hang on, let me just pull upthe message rather than trying
to paraphrase it, and I won'tread the whole thing, obviously.
I'll just read one of thequestions, or the main question,

(01:06):
which was I love when Iscramble at the last minute.
Oh so I've been in thisconstant pattern of constantly
choosing or no, sorry, I've beenin this constant pattern of
constantly chasing men who don'tchoose me.
I'm trying to choose myself,but it's hard and I always end

(01:29):
up reverting back into chasing.
Um, it feels very uncomfortable.
How do you make the stop?
And I skipped a little bit,some little bits in the
beginning, but are in the middle.
So, yes, it is veryuncomfortable to break the cycle
of chasing and convincing andbegging others to choose you.

(01:51):
It is very uncomfortablebecause, you know again, you
have to treat it like anaddiction.
When you're chasing them,you're soothing something.
Them, you're soothing something.
There's something that you'rethat within yourself, that
you're that you're getting toavoid or not look at or numb or
distract yourself from right.
It's like the same, it's likethe same thing.

(02:12):
You know, every time you reachfor the chocolate cake, what are
you avoiding or trying to fillwithin yourself?
Every time, you, you know, you,you know, you take out your
phone and you start, um, likeyou know, filling up all your
carts on all the online shoppingapps that you have.
You know, what is it thatyou're avoiding every time that
you're binge watching, likestuff on Netflix that you don't

(02:34):
even really like, that you don'tnot really into, just because
you need something to watch.
You know, you have to askyourself, ask yourself, you know
, what is it that you're tryingto avoid?
Right, and this can go likeeven you know deeper or more
dangerous into, like, you know,drinking alcohol, drugs, any,

(02:59):
any kind of addiction, any kindof addiction.
There is a codependency therethat either a pain that you're
trying to avoid or distractyourself from, or numb or not
feel or not acknowledge, orsomething that you're trying to
feel, that you can't feelotherwise A joy, intimacy,

(03:25):
connection, confidence,empowered.
You know, whatever it is,either you're avoiding something
that you are feeling or you'retrying to feel something that
you aren't and you've made it anexternal.
You've made this external thingyour source for either that
relief or cultivating thatemotion.

(03:46):
Right, and ultimately, what weneed to do is we need to become,
we need to become more centeredin ourselves and in our power
to really experience andcultivate the emotions that we
want to cultivate and experiencethe things that we want to
experience.
We have to be.
You know, we have to becentrally guided and led.

(04:09):
If we constantly outsource ourpower like this, you know,
whether it be in relationship orsex or shopping or whatever,
when we constantly outsource ourpower like this to make us feel
something that we want to feelor avoid feeling something that
we don't, we're in an addictivepattern, right?
And this is the non-psychologistperson explaining this.

(04:31):
By all means, talk to apsychologist about this and get
this information verified,because I'm sure they'll be able
to explain it in much betterterms than I have, but that's
how I kind of sum it up, right?
Like, that's how I kind of sumit up, right?
So, when we talk about breakingthe pattern because I'll tell

(04:51):
you, like you know, breaking thepattern of chasing and begging
and convincing people to love meand just focusing on choosing
myself and making myself thepriority and becoming
self-centered, not in the waythe term is used, but instead of
, like you know, making men orrelationship the central focus
of my life I made myself thecentral focus of my life.

(05:13):
So that's what I mean when Isay self-centered.
So, making myself moreself-centered and choosing
myself and, you know,cultivating a life that I would
enjoy for me, um, and letting goof the chasing, the convincing
and the begging other people tolove me, to choose me, to want

(05:34):
to be with me, to stay with me.
That was a messy fuckingprocess.
That was so messy, that was a,that was like a, that was such a
hot mess, like, honestly, butit was worth it.
It was worth it and I would doit again in a heartbeat.

(05:54):
And you know it takes practice,yes, but it's not impossible,
and the healing that I wentthrough and that I experienced
and you know doing, you knowpracticing and emotional
energetics and doing the sacredsoul reclamation, you know
alchemy that we do, you knowthat helped me tremendously

(06:16):
because you know, in callingback all these soul fragments of
myself that I was avoiding,that I was ignoring, that you
know, I, I didn't want toprocess or move through and I, I
, I didn't know how to give themwhat they needed, um, all these
beautiful parts of myself.
As I started to call all theseparts back, one by one, and

(06:38):
started to move through theemotional experience that they'd
been stuck in and acknowledgeit and validate it from like,
basically, for myself, validateit for myself and start to
cultivate the energy and theexperience that they would have
wanted.
Meaning me, you know that kindof made the process easier,

(07:02):
right?
Because now there's you know,as you heal each one of these
fragments there's less and lessof yourself to run away from and
there's less and less reasonfor you to go running to
somebody else who's not going totreat you well in order to
cultivate a feeling inside ofyou because you know full well
you can do it for yourself.
So why settle?
Why?
Right?
But I think you know thebiggest takeaway, I think, in

(07:26):
that experience, and I thinkthat you know, if you're
somebody who's moving through,trying to break away from
chasing or settling for orconvincing people to love and to
choose you, who are emotionallyunavailable or emotionally void
and who can't give you the lovethat you're really looking for,
the key in all of this isreally and this is what really

(07:47):
began that pivotal shift for me,and I remember the first time I
started doing this was when Ibroke up with my last boyfriend,
who he moved to Europe after wehad split up and I remember for
the longest time and we hadremained friends because he was
actually not he, I.

(08:07):
I put him in the douchebagdiaries, but I was pretty clear,
like he was not a douchebag,like there was a lot of love
there, but life just took us intwo very different directions.
And that's not to say thatdirect, that that that the
relationship itself wasn't toxicor had imbalances.
It totally did, Um, but it wasprobably one of the more loving
relationships I had had up untilthat point.
And so I knew when that endedum, number one, I had raised the

(08:31):
bar from what I was used to andfrom some of my other
relationships.
But also in raising the bar, Irealized, yeah, I raised it, but
there was still a monster of agap.
And to get to where I wanted toget to, um, in terms of the
kinds of relationships that Iwanted to call in.
And so when I ended thatrelation or that went, yeah,

(08:52):
sorry, hit the mic.
When I ended that relationship,um, you know he had left, but we
kind of kept in contact andthen at one point I just said
that's it, I'm done, I can't, Ican't keep doing this anymore.
Like you're there, I'm here,we're living separate lives, we
just need to like, let that be.
And so when I ended thatrelationship and it was a very
codependent relationship, like Isaid, there was still a lot of

(09:14):
imbalances.
So we were still relying oneach other to feel certain
things, to believe certainthings, to avoid things we were
trying to avoid in ourselves.
So when that ended and I canremember, even leading up to
that period, ending like he wasalways like you need to start
dating, you need to get outthere, and I was saying no, I
don't want to start, I don'twant to start dating.

(09:34):
This is the beginning of mylike full on relationship hiatus
.
This is when I went like coldTurkey, didn't date anybody for
like seven years, like not evenlike one date, um, for like
seven years.
So, um, this was like I wentcold Turkey and I was like nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope.
And then when we ended, um, Iwas like that's it, I'm, I don't

(09:57):
want to date, I don't.
I didn't put myself on any ofthe apps, I didn't get out, I
didn't meet people, like I wentout, but I didn't like go out to
meet people.
You know, it was just I neededto be on my own and every time,
every time, I felt the urge toget online.
Or, you know, if I saw a guythat I thought was cute and I

(10:18):
thought I wanted to get hisattention, or if I felt lonely,
or if I felt like I rememberthere was a few people at work
at the time that I was kind ofinto and I would I would, you
know kind of look at and want to.
You know, I would almost wantto go back to that whole chasing
behavior, the, the, you know,trying to impress them or

(10:41):
perform or trying, and I wouldalways look at that, right, and
I would try and stop myself.
And it's actually, you know,what it's actually better to do
when you're actually out thereand dating.
I actually think that I didthis.
Now that I think about it, Iwas actually doing it in that
relationship where I had, youknow, before he left, before we
were together for a year beforehe left to go overseas, and I

(11:04):
think, through that entirerelationship, I was doing that
actually.
Now that I think back where,every time I felt like I needed
him or every time I felt likebecause I said there were still
toxicities and imbalances there,so every time I felt like he
would pull away and I would feellike I would want to chase, I
would look at that Every time wehad had a fight and I felt like

(11:26):
I needed to say more, or I wastrying to come up with that long
text to explain how I wasfeeling and, like you know, try
and put the argument to restright or get my point across.
I would stop Every time.
I would keep checking my phoneto see if he read my message or

(11:50):
had he been online in the lastlittle while since I sent the
message, and why hasn't hechecked it right.
Every time I started to want todo all those old things.
I stopped, I stopped and I tooka breath.
I can remember taking a breathand asking myself what is it

(12:10):
that I need from him right nowthat I don't think I can give
myself?
What is it that he's going tomake me feel that I'm needing
for me right now, and what is itthat I'm going to avoid feeling
by doing this?
Or what is it that I'm hopingto avoid if he responds the way
that I want him to?
Because here's the thing withthose techniques, right?

(12:31):
We send the long-winded text,thinking that we're going to get
an apology, and then we get aread, but unresponded to text,
and then what ends up happening?
We get more triggered, right,because now they're triggered.
We check our phone to see whenthey were online last and we see
that it was after we sent thelast message and then they still

(12:52):
haven't read it.
So now our text message, weknow, has been ignored.
We're more triggered.
All these are energetic gamesand I really learned the
energetics, the energetic gamewith him because I could feel it
Like it was so obvious, likefirst of all, like we were so

(13:13):
like mentally connected.
It was weird, um, I could feelwhen he was upset and he could
feel when I was upset, and so wewould immediately kind of like
pull back Right and I knew whenI was pissing him off, pissing
him off, and he knew when he waspissing me off.
Um, it was crazy, it was socrazy.
But all that to say, you know,I noticed that when I was

(13:44):
overthinking the next text,writing the long-winded text,
checking my phone constantly tosee when he was last online, um,
you know, constantly refreshingmy phone to see if I have a
message from him or anotification.
Um, you know all those, thosethose little posting things
online to see if I get a like ora comment or something or

(14:05):
anything.
You know all those littlethings that we do as we get
older to get attention.
You know, social media has beengreat for making codependent
relationships.
When I think about it, but allthose things that we do every
time I did those things, Inoticed it pushed him farther
away, right?
So that's when the whole runnerchaser dynamic became very

(14:26):
obvious to me, because I noticedthat when I was chasing him, he
was running for me.
And so when I stopped chasinghim and I started to look inward
and go inward and look atmyself, that's when he would
come back, that's when I wouldbe magnetic to him.
And it's not about playing agame.
This isn't about a game,because it wasn't about I'm
going to focus on myself andmake him come back.
It's like you know what.

(14:49):
This is not healthy.
I am putting all my energy andfocus.
He is my, he is my, he is, um,my life is centered around him.
I need to make my life centeredaround me now.
My energy, my power, everythingis with him.
I need to call it back.
I need to come back to myselfnow.
And that was the game changer,right?

(15:11):
So every time I felt the urge tochase, to convince, to soothe,
to get attention from, to begfor attention, love, affection,
whatever it was.
Every time I felt the urge todesperately go out and do that,
I would stop myself dead in mytracks and I would come back to

(15:35):
myself.
I would take a breath, I wouldcenter back into me.
So taking a deep breath,getting centered back into me.
What do I want to feel?
That I'm making him my sourceof and what am I trying to avoid
that I'm making him my sourceof and what am I trying to avoid
?
That I'm making him my medicinefor?
And that, like if you couldjust do that one thing and pull

(15:57):
your energy back from chasingthem and focus on yourself, this
is going to bring miraculoushealing to so many of your
relationships.
That's not to say that they'reall going to work out
beautifully and harmoniously.
Sometimes we're just in arelationship with the wrong
person.
It is what it is and that can't.
This won't change that, but ifthere is a relationship that has

(16:18):
potential, this will heal it.
This is the one practice thatwill fucking heal it, like you
won't have to worry.
Focus on that.
And this work is uncomfortable.
It's messy, because it forcesus to look at all the feelings
that we feel, codependent onthem to make us feel the love,

(16:39):
the affection, the security, thepleasure, the whatever and all
the things that we're avoiding,that we're relying on that.
We're relying on them todistract them from it gets messy
as fuck, but it is so worth itin the end, because this is
literally the energetics thatrelationships need to thrive.

(17:00):
They need each individual in arelationship.
Yes, we're connected and yes,we're in an intimate connection
together, but both parties needto be given enough space and
oxygen to flourish on their own,and when we're constantly
chasing and attaching tosomebody, we're not giving them
that space and oxygen.
That's not to say that we cannever do things together.

(17:20):
That's not to say that weshouldn't have needs in
relationship.
That's a whole other toxicfucking belief.
Don't even get me started onthat.
You know you have.
Everybody has a desire for whatthey want their relationships to
look like and as long asthey're coming from a healthy
place, there's nothing wrongwith having needs in a
relationship and wanting to havethose needs met.
That that is the whole point ofbeing in a relationship.

(17:44):
The important thing is that youdon't settle to have those
needs met like settle on yourstandards and how you get
treated and how thatrelationship shows up for you.
You don't settle for that andyou also know that they're
coming from a healthy place.
In other words, you don't needsomebody to constantly tell you
that you're beautiful becausedeep down you're very insecure.

(18:05):
That's an unhealthy attachment.
If you're a very confidentperson who feels good about
herself and who doesn't have toworry about things like that and
can come into a relationshipknowing that maybe sometimes the
little ways that he looks atyou, maybe you think, okay, you

(18:28):
know that's that, that andthat's not a need, that's that's
a nice to have right.
A need is, you know, I needsomebody to be a good
communicator.
I need somebody to be able tocommunicate what they're
thinking and what they'refeeling and be able to talk
these things through like anormal adult.
You know like I need that.

(18:49):
I'm not not not going to nothave that.
I need somebody who likes to goout and do things.
I don't want to be out theredoing things.
I can go out there and dothings all on my own.
I've done it, I've traveled,I've done all sorts of things on
my own.
But I do want somebody whowants to go out there and do
things with me but also likes tospend some time, quiet time at

(19:10):
home, Like I don't want to haveto constantly be on the go,
right, like it's okay to havecertain needs and you know
ideals for what you want yourlife to look, like, that's fine.
They just can't fill voids,right?
And I think that's thedifference.
And I think that when you dothis work, you're naturally

(19:32):
starting to fill those voids,and that's what this is really
all about.
You're filling all those voidswithin yourself, so you break
the need for a partner to dothat for you.
And you know, this year for me,this one year, it was so like
pivotal and transformational forme.
And then, when he left, Icontinued this pattern.

(19:53):
So, when he left, my commitmentto myself over the next seven
years well, I didn't say it wasgoing to be seven years, I just
said, you know, over this nextperiod, while I'm not dating, it
turned out to be seven years ofhealing and self-discovery and
and and you know, reallyunlearning.
All those patterns of chasing,waiting for and convincing and

(20:13):
begging people to love me, tochoose me, to show me affection
and attention was every time Ifelt like I needed it.
I would go back to that.
I would go back to well, whatis it that?
I think that having someone inmy life would make me feel that
I can't feel right now on my own.
And what is it that I thinkthat having someone in my life

(20:33):
would make me avoid feeling that?
I know I'm feeling beneath thesurface, right, and then I would
do like you know all theemotional energetics behind the
scenes on that.
But even just asking those twoquestions, what do I think that
they can make me feel that Ican't feel for myself, and what
is it that I think that they canmake me feel that I can't feel
for myself?
And what is it that I thinkthat they can make me avoid

(20:54):
feeling that I need to be payingcloser attention to?
Those are the two most powerfulquestions you can ask yourself.
And you ask them the moment youfeel your energy like go, shift
from you to them and wanting tochase or convince or perform or

(21:15):
wear something to get theirattention, or write that long
ass text message of how you'refeeling and how what they did
made you feel and and all thosethings.
And it's not so that you shouldnever express your feelings in
your relationship.
You should, um, but I dobelieve that it should be done
when you're not triggered.
Okay.
So keep asking those twoquestions and keep asking every

(21:36):
time you feel that urge to like,latch, like that's the best way
to is latch, latch onto them,latch onto needing communication
from them, needing attentionfrom them, needing time with
them, and especially, every timeyou start to feel them pulling
away.
Because if you feel thempulling away, it usually means
if it's, if it's a reasonablyclose connection, if you start

(21:59):
to feel them like, if it's notsomebody who's like you know a
situationship or animaginationship, those are even
better.
You know, if it's somebody thatyou're genuinely in a
relationship and you feel themstart to to like energetically,
pull away from you, it usuallymeans because you're you're,
you're, you're attaching rightand you're becoming codependent.

(22:19):
And you have to look at why.
What is it that I'm avoidingwithin myself?
Or what is it that I'm I'mrelying on him for to cultivate
for me that I that that I'm notdoing for me?
So, um, and again you know likeI can't stress this enough Was
this relationship perfect?
No, that's why I ultimately leftUm, and I was able to make that

(22:40):
decision because I had donethis work and now you know where
I've.
You know, I did end arelationship back in December of
last year and then I did startgetting out there and start
dating again.
You know you have to be prettyspectacular at this at this time
in my life where I'm 51 andI've done all this work and you

(23:01):
know, I've been on my own andI've had like the craziest
experiences.
I've had amazing experiences.
I've had some really fuckingchallenging experiences and if
you think that I'm in a positionright now we're at 51, no
matter how much I want to bewith somebody that I'm going to
settle for anything less thanwhat I want, just to have like a

(23:24):
warm body on the couch next tome, you've got to be shitting me
Like no, not happening.
So that that is my advice.
I hope that answered yourquestion.
If you guys have questionsseriously, like, just dm me at
the femcast, um, you can dm methere or you can email me at
maria at the femcoachcom.
I'm happy to answer all yourquestions.

(23:46):
Who knows, they may explainlike inspire, the next episode
of the podcast.
So let me know what you takeaway from this in the comments
below, wherever you're seeingthis, or reply to me in an email
.
If you're seeing it there, youcan also subscribe and you can
get on the list if you go to mywebsite at thefemcastcom.
You can also subscribe there sothat you can get these in your

(24:07):
inbox.
I can't remember how you dothat, but I'll find out and I'll
tell you.
Guys, I'm so bad at this and ifyou love this episode, please,
please, please, please.
I'm begging you, leave apositive rating and a review on
iTunes or Spotify or whereverthe heck you're seeing this.
It really helps the podcast getout there and grow.

(24:28):
So and, like I said, I am goingto have a home studio one day.
I'm putting it in intentionright here on this show.
Okay, you guys, until next time.
Massive love.
Sorry, you got double kissesthere.
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