July 10, 2025 • 29 mins
What if I told you that the pattern you call “bad luck in love” is actually a trauma response in disguise?
In this soul-baring episode of The Femme Cast, I take you into the raw, unfiltered moment that shattered my illusions about love — the night I found myself on the floor, begging someone to love me. Not because he was worth it. But because, deep down, I still believed I wasn’t.
What followed was a soul-awakening — a brutal and beautiful unraveling of every belief I had about love, worth, and who I thought I needed to be to be chosen.
Inside this episode, we explore:
- Why you keep chasing emotionally unavailable people — and the surprising dopamine addiction that makes it feel like love
- How this pattern is a sophisticated trauma response designed to protect you from the deeper pain of feeling unworthy
- How your parents (even the ones who “did their best”) shaped your beliefs about what love looks and feels like
- The childhood wounds that make unavailable love feel safe — and the real reason you can’t stop going back
- How to break the cycle by facing the parts of yourself you’ve been running from (and finally reclaim your power)
This isn’t just about romantic relationships. It’s about every place in your life where you’ve outsourced your worth, silenced your truth, and begged to be chosen — instead of choosing yourself.
Because the moment you stop chasing love that only sees half of you… is the moment you become magnetic to love that stays.
This episode is your mirror. Your permission slip. Your turning point.
If you’ve ever felt addicted to the pain of almost-love, this one will crack you wide open — in the best possible way.
Tap play. Let’s go there.
Ready to stop abandoning yourself for love? To finally rise from the wreckage of betrayal and become the woman you were born to be?
The Sacred Reclamation Series: Betrayal Edition starts July 21st right here on The Femme Cast.
5 soul-stirring podcast episodes + a FREE live healing + activation on July 29th @ 8PM EST
This is your sign.
This is your turning point.
Claim your seat now at the FREE live healing + activation now.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Maria Rei (00:00):
Hey guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show, soexcited and grateful to have you
here.
Last week we talked about thatmoment where, you know, I was
literally begging on the livingroom floor for my partner to
just, you know, to just love me,to act like he loved me, to
show that he loved me, which is,you know, the only thing in the
(00:23):
world that I wanted, and I was,you know, fighting tooth and
nail for that.
And you know, like I mentionedin last week's episode, you know
, even though he was saying thathe loved me, he wasn't acting
like it and in fact he wasacting in very hurtful ways, in
ways that really hurt me anddiminished me and made me feel
unloved and unseen in every waypossible and like I didn't
really matter.
(00:43):
To be quite honest.
And you know, looking back, youknow, and how cringy that
moment was and how I couldn'tbelieve that I actually got to a
point in my life where, youknow, I was literally on the
floor begging for somebody tolove me, like how the fuck did I
actually get here?
(01:04):
Like how did that happen?
You know, as I look back onthat, you know, and what I if I
only I knew you know what dothey say about?
Hindsight is 2020.
If I only knew then what I knownow.
I know now what was going on inthat moment and why I was so
desperate, like a fool, for thisman to love me, and with all of
(01:29):
them actually not just him, itwas with all of them.
And the whole reason that I hadbeen so desperate for love and
to have someone love me and tobeg someone to love me and to
choose me is because there was apart of me that really didn't
believe that I was worthy oflove, that I deserved love, that
(01:51):
anybody would ever really comearound and love me the way that
I wanted them to love me.
You know, like I said, you know,when I was younger, I always
remember my dad.
You know who was, you know whoagain, I can't say this enough
he loved us to the moon and backin his own sort of
dysfunctional way, but he really, truly did love us and I don't
(02:12):
have a doubt in my mind and hestill does to this day of
baggage and that love doesn'talways get expressed in the
healthiest ways.
It's certainly not expressed inthe ways we want them to be, or
at least in the way I want themto be expressed.
You know, I always wanted, um,someone to love me different Um,
(02:35):
and that's that's been my ownhealing is learning to accept
that this is the best my dad cando and and that's how he knows
how to love and that's how he'sbeen taught how to love.
And you know, that's alwaysbeen a healing journey for me
and it continues to be to thisday, to recognize that we have
two very different definitionsof how we love and making room
(02:58):
for that to kind of be okay, notto tolerate like bad behavior
or whatever.
I don't believe in that, butplease never use that as an
excuse to tolerate bad behavior.
But you know, I do think thatyou know, sometimes we have to
have grace for people who youknow really just don't know any
better.
You know, for somebody growingup in our generation who's had
access to personal developmentand therapy and stuff, I would
(03:20):
probably not be so lenient.
You know what I mean.
But when I look at my dad andwhat he's been through and what
he knows to be true and rightand wrong, like I mean, it is
what it is right.
But all that to say, like youknow, for me, you know that
moment it wasn't.
(03:41):
It wasn't.
I was desperate for that lovebecause you was never that.
(04:03):
That whole circumstance, thatwhole situation even though you
know it was hurtful and itbrought, you know, like, so much
pain, um, and so much, you know, trans, so much hurt and so
much transformation, which Imean, at the end of the day, was
a good thing.
You know, it was never abouthim.
It was about the pain that Iwas avoiding looking at, which
(04:29):
made me need him to show up inthe loving way that I needed him
to show up in, so that I wouldavoid that pain, that pain being
the belief that I was notworthy of love, that I would
never be loved the way that Iwanted to be loved.
The pain of, you know,remembering that my you know, my
dad didn't love me the way thatmy, my mind, I wanted him to
(04:51):
love me, um, how I wanted him tolove me and how he did love me
were two very different things,um, and I think that there was a
part of me that was stillhurting from that, and I think
that there was a part of me thatwas still, like you know, vying
for his attention and trying toget him to say I love you back.
And you know, doing all thethings that I would do to get my
(05:14):
dad to show up as the dad, theTV dad, right, the dad that you
see on TV, that's always loving,is always affectionate.
He's, you know, solveseverybody's problems in five
minutes or less.
You know, solves everybody'sproblems in five minutes or less
.
You know I grew up in thesitcom era, but life's not like
that, right?
So, and it's not to say that,you know, what I wanted in terms
of love was delusional, itwasn't.
I do believe that.
(05:35):
You know my parents, you knowGod love them.
They did the best that theycould, but you know they carried
a lot of dysfunction betweenthem.
Trauma, unhealed trauma thatthey had experienced as
childhood, you know, createdsome of that.
And also just the way they wereloved by their parents, because
that's the only way they knewhow.
And they carried their owntrauma and so on and so on and
(05:57):
so on.
And we've had patterns andtrauma and you know cycles that
have been carried down fromgeneration to generation to
generation.
So I was just repeating thesame cycles that my parents were
repeating, you know, with us.
And so you know I was trying,you know, I was trying to get
(06:19):
him to act like he loved me so Iwouldn't have to look at this
painful part of myself that was150% convinced she didn't
deserve love, she wasn't goodenough, she would never be good
enough to be loved and she wouldnever be loved the way that she
wanted to be loved.
And she just needed to acceptthat and that was the narrative
that was going on.
(06:39):
And by getting him to act likehe loved me and how I thought
love should look, it wouldtotally, totally negate all of
that and make it all untrue andmake all that pain and sadness
and hurt just go away.
But that's not how this worksright.
So in that moment when I hadthat, I can only describe it as
(07:03):
a soul awakening where I saidsomething here is not right,
this is not this, this is notwhat love is supposed to look
like.
Nope, something in me knew thatday this wasn't it and that was
the beginning of the undoing,and I had no idea how much work
(07:24):
I was looking at or how long itwould take or what I would have
to go through or the shit that Iwould have to learn and heal
along the way and stuff.
But the important thing is, Ithink, when we're moving through
these experiences and whenwe're moving through these pain
(07:45):
points in our lives, it's soimportant to remember that when,
much like an addiction, apattern is also an addiction is
(08:07):
also an addiction because it'ssomething we need or have become
reliant on in order to soothesomething or distract from
something right or to comfort usfrom something.
So it doesn't matter what it isLike I've said this before.
It doesn't matter if it'sexcessive shopping, if it's
binge watching your favoriteNetflix shows, which I'm still
guilty of overeating.
Could be sex, could be drugs,could be gambling, could be any
(08:29):
number of things.
But sometimes it's as simple asyou know.
An addiction can be as simple aschasing unavailable love again
and again and again.
That's an addiction because,believe it or not, you get a
real dopamine hit when, as soonas you get some attention, and
then, as soon as you don't havethat attention, you're
scrambling for that next fix.
Um, and attention is the verything, attention, validation, is
(08:58):
the very thing that you need toput some of these pains, to
silence them, to soothe them, toput them aside, to fool
yourself into thinking thatthey're not there for a hot
minute, you know.
So that was my dopamine hit wasgetting affection or attention
(09:18):
from emotionally unavailableguys who, um, you know, that
moment, for that moment it wason such a high, um, only to,
like you know, spend the next Idon't know days, weeks, months,
you know, trying to get the nexthit.
So the pain was that, you know,there was a part of me that
(09:39):
believed that I was not worthyof love, that it would never get
any better than this, that, youknow, I would always kind of be
on my own.
And I remember, like in myyounger years, oh my God, I
remember in our twenties, whenwe used to go clubbing and I
would like, like at the point ofpeak inebriation, like on the
way from the club to therestaurant that was open, like
after hours, we would walk inlike five minutes before closing
(10:03):
and order like souvlaki dinners, like around the table I know
we were eating spit, that I knowwe ate spit like they hated us.
We would come in five minutesbefore closing and order the
longest thing to cook on themenu and then make them work and
like we didn't know this, butwe found out after that, you
know they were supposed to begetting off at like whatever two
(10:23):
o'clock in the morning.
We would be walking in at likeone, 55 or no.
They were getting off at threeand we'd be walking in at two,
55, something like that andordering these massive dinner
Anyway, um, I remember likebeing at peak inebriation in the
backseat of my friend's carevery fucking Saturday night and
we had this like playlist likegoing on right, and so I
(10:44):
remember there was always, therewas always like there was a ton
of Madonna on this playlist andI remember when that song All
by Myself by Madonna came on, Iwould start singing that at the
top of my lungs All by myself, Idon't need anyone, like top of
my lungs.
(11:05):
And there was a part of me thatactually believed that I really
did.
And I really believed that notonly that, I believe that I
wasn't worthy of love.
But I think there was also apart of me that felt, you know,
that love wasn't safe.
You know, you know a lot of myyounger years, even like with my
friends, parents, you knowextended family.
(11:27):
You know I saw relationshipsthat were quite volatile, and so
love for me didn't feel verysafe.
So maybe emotionally availablewas the safe option as well.
Like there's so many stories.
There's so many stories whenyou start to unpack why we have
the pattern that we do and whatit is that it's keeping us from
seeing right.
(11:47):
But it's only when we eliminatethe distraction, we eliminate
the soothing, we eliminate thething that's keeping us from
feeling the thing oracknowledging the thing right,
when we start to feel the painand acknowledge the beliefs
behind that pain and what'sactually the narrative behind
the pattern.
That's when the magic happens,that's when the healing happens.
(12:09):
But we have to be willing to gothrough the discomfort of not
having the soothing or thedistraction or you know,
whatever.
Whatever is is keeping us fromseeing our truth and feeling our
, our, our, our pain, body rightand what it's trying to tell us
.
And and you know it's such anintricate um balance of feeling
(12:32):
the feelings, examining thebeliefs behind them and using
them to transform and healyourself and not get caught up
in that.
You never want to get caught upin it, you never want to
project it and you never want toignore it.
Those are all the wrong wayswe've been dealing with our
emotional body.
We either try and distract ordeny it, we project it onto the
(12:53):
people around us or we get stuckthere and we create like a
mindset or a belief around it.
You know, none of those arehealthy.
None of those are healthyexpressions.
Healthy is being able to movethrough it.
Extract the lesson, extract thewisdom and use that energy to
transmute into creating what youdo want.
That is really the superpower,you know.
(13:17):
And so I had to look at thispattern and I had to ask myself
well, what is this saying aboutme?
Like, what is it saying aboutwhat I believe I deserve, or
what is safe, or you know whatit is that I truly want or think
that is available to me?
And then I had to start to lookat all those beliefs, one by
(13:39):
one, and undo all the momentsand the events and the
conditioning behind each one.
So, looking at everything thatI might have gone through that
made me feel like I wasn'tworthy of love, or that love
wasn't safe, and that being anemotionally available and being
in love with somebody who'semotionally unavailable is a
(14:00):
safer alternative which, by theway, is totally and
categorically untrue, becausethere's nothing more painful
than being in love with somebodywho's emotionally unavailable
to you Nothing.
And it's painful because theydon't love you back, but also
because you're forced to look atall the shit that's going on on
the inside.
So it's also kind of perfect,to be honest, but nonetheless,
(14:24):
that is the work.
So if you're somebody who's been, you know, if you've been in a
pattern of dating emotionallyunavailable people, people who
are consistently not showing upfor you, who consistently show
you that they don't love you,and you keep chasing them, ask
yourself what is it that you'rerunning from within yourself
that these people aredistracting you from?
(14:45):
What are you avoiding withinyou when you're chasing them?
What is it?
What pain, what fear, whatheartbreak Are they soothing in
those moments when they show youjust the littlest, tiniest bit
of affection?
Because that, my love, is whereyour healing is and that is
where the magic is going tohappen.
(15:06):
And if you have the courage togo into it to see what's going
on in there and see what it'strying to tell you, I promise
you the transformation will beso worth it on the other side,
but you have to be willing tolook at what's going on
underneath it all, because I'mtelling you right now it has
nothing to do with them and ithas everything to do with you
(15:29):
and the pain that you'reavoiding within you.
So the sooner you start to avoidthat pain and look at it, the
sooner you will start to becomemagnetic to emotionally
available relationships.
And this isn't just likeromantic.
This is all kind of friendships, partners, whatever, like it
(15:52):
doesn't matter, like this iswhere you start to have people
who are in your life, who areready to have a deep emotional
connection with you, to get toknow you, to see you, to love
you, because you have to see andlove yourself.
You have to connect withyourself on a deep soul level if
you want others to connect withyou on a deep soul level,
(16:14):
because you need to getcomfortable with the whole of
you and to integrate the wholeof you and to stop rejecting
parts of yourself, to reclaimall those parts of yourself that
you've been rejecting for solong and not to say that you're
(16:35):
not broken.
You're not.
I don't believe people arebroken.
I do believe that there's partsof ourselves that we're
rejecting or ignoring and whenwe start to bring those back
together, we come to this placeof wholeness, of soul wholeness,
and that's when we reallybecome the most magnetic,
because that is when we take ourpower back from all these
(16:55):
people, places and things thathave caused us pain, and that is
when we become truly powerfuland magnetic.
So start to look.
So you know, start to look atall these beliefs, start to look
at all these parts of yourselfthat are might be, maybe sad,
maybe hurt, maybe in pain, maybeeven in anger and rage.
Start to look at all theseparts of yourselves and ask you,
ask yourself you know what is,what is?
(17:17):
What?
Is this relationship not givingme what I need?
You know which?
You know the love, thevalidation, the attention, the
affection, whatever it is.
Why do I?
Why do I still keep chasing it?
Why am I chasing?
What is it that I'm avoiding inmyself by chasing that love and
validation that I know is goingto soothe whatever's going on on
the inside, because that iswhere the miracles happen and
(17:41):
that when you start to go inwardand look at yourself like that
and start to love yourself likethat and start to see yourself
and all these parts of yourselfthat you've been rejecting and
ignoring and not payingattention to, that's when you
become magnetic as fuck.
So you know, stop chasing them,stop looking at what they're
doing, chasing them, stoplooking at what they're doing,
(18:05):
stop making it about them andlook at why do you need this
relationship so badly?
And what is what does that love, receiving that love mean?
You'll soothe within yourself.
What belief will that?
Will that put to rest withinyours?
Or doubt or fear Will that putto rest within yourself?
Because you have that externalvalidation, because that is
where the work is and I knowthat, that's where it was for me
(18:27):
, because I, when I, you know,when I go back to that moment
where I said I just want you tolove me, like why can't you love
me?
And then his look of disdainand just hatred and annoyance
with me, you know, when I thinkback, and I think back that
moment where I was like this isnot normal, right, and I knew
(18:49):
that, and I said, okay, but howdid I get here and why, like,
why did I do that?
Why would I ever, like putmyself in a position where, like
, put myself in a position whereyou know I was, I was, you know
, setting the bar so low formyself that I would do that to
to beg someone to love me, tochoose me, um, and so I had to
(19:12):
look at okay, well, why was I sodesperate for somebody who
clearly was emotionallyunavailable to me to love me,
because it would put the beliefthat I wasn't loved.
There was a little girl in methat still believed that she
wasn't loved by her dad, eventhough she was.
But there was a little girl inme that believed that she wasn't
loved by her dad and so by metrying to convince him to act
(19:32):
like he loved me, it would belike putting that little part of
me, that little girl who wasjust begging for her dad's love
and attention, to you know, puther at ease, right, but that
wasn't the healing my soulneeded.
That's not healing, that is thedefinition of addiction and and
(19:53):
escape ism.
So what I needed to do was havethat love taken away from me so
I could see that little girland say but you were loved, you
always were, even when youdidn't feel like it, even though
sometimes this is what I alwaystell clients.
You know, because we all comefrom different stories and
(20:15):
different backgrounds anddifferent experiences.
And for some of us ourcaregivers loved us.
And you know, unfortunately,for many of us we didn't have
caregivers who loved us, and youknow this is where we get very
esoteric in the work.
Here's the thing whether yourcaregivers, loved you or not,
(20:35):
you were always born out of loveand if you're here, you're here
for a reason and there is ahigher source that absolutely
loves you just the way you are.
And I think part of ourexperience here in this lifetime
is to detach from everythingthis world told us that we need
in order to feel safe, which isthe love of other people.
(20:57):
Maybe it's money, maybe it'sbeauty, maybe it's whatever you
know, whatever you've toldyourself you needed in order to
be safe and successful in thisworld.
I think a big lesson for all ofus is learning to detach from
all of that and recognizingputting our love and our faith
into a higher power to love us,to accept us unconditionally, to
support us in ways that thisworld can never do, can never do
(21:28):
, and so a lot of my healing waslearning to lean into that love
, because my dad just couldn'texpress love the way that I
needed him to, and even now, ashe's getting older, it's getting
even more and more difficult.
So I'm having to lean on thatmore than I ever have.
So you know, take that for whatit's worth, I think.
I think when we find love insource, we find love within
ourselves and I think it.
I think it goes hand in hand,because if we love source and we
(21:53):
trust source and whatever nameyou give it, if you call God, if
you call source, if you call itcreator, you know.
Whatever you name, it doesn'treally matter at the end of the
day.
If you call it creator, youknow.
Whatever you name, it doesn'treally matter at the end of the
day.
What does matter is that if youbelieve that you were created
by this, you know almightyspiritual presence, then you
(22:14):
have to believe that you'reperfect and worthy of love,
because why would anything likethat ever create something that
wasn't, even though sometimes inour human expression, we don't,
you know, always show up thatway, some more than others.
However, there is a purpose foryou being here, there is a
(22:37):
reason that you were created andI do think that where sometimes
the difficulty comes and wheresometimes I think you know how
our lives play out and whatwe're meant to be here and
experience, I think you know,depending on the level of karma
that you bring to each life,like each life experience could
(22:59):
be vastly different from thenext life, like each life
experience could be vastlydifferent from the next.
But I think if you can alwaysremember that source loves you
and, you know, totally createdyou for a reason, and the more
that you lean into that reasonor purpose and trust it, you'll
be okay.
(23:19):
I don't know why it went off onthat tangent, but I did.
But that is something that I'vebeen really moving through
lately.
So there it is.
The importance is not to getwrapped up in what the ego will
tell you, because the ego willalways try and keep you from
that truth, even though the egois also trying to keep you safe.
It's not bad, but it is actingout of your childhood trauma and
(23:41):
limiting belief.
So we do gently need toacknowledge the ego and thank it
for, you know, wanting to keepit safe.
But we have to start to move ina different direction, a higher
perspective direction than whatwe've been perpetuating up until
this point, and that includesin our relationship.
(24:02):
So be able and be willing tolook at it from a higher, from a
higher perspective as to youknow what it is that you're
running from and what is it thatyou're trying to get to avoid a
pain that just wants to belooked at Right.
So that is a very mixed upmessage.
(24:26):
I have no idea what I'm goingto call this episode, but there
it is.
So let me know what you takeaway in the comments below,
wherever you're seeing this, andif you love this episode,
please, please, please, please,leave a positive rating and
review on iTunes or Spotify orwherever you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
Hey guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show, soexcited and grateful to have you
here.
Last week we talked about thatmoment where, you know, I was
literally begging on the livingroom floor for my partner to
just, you know, to just love me,to act like he loved me, to
show that he loved me, which is,you know, the only thing in the
(00:23):
world that I wanted, and I was,you know, fighting tooth and
nail for that.
And you know, like I mentionedin last week's episode, you know
, even though he was saying thathe loved me, he wasn't acting
like it and in fact he wasacting in very hurtful ways, in
ways that really hurt me anddiminished me and made me feel
unloved and unseen in every waypossible and like I didn't
really matter.
(00:43):
To be quite honest.
And you know, looking back, youknow, and how cringy that
moment was and how I couldn'tbelieve that I actually got to a
point in my life where, youknow, I was literally on the
floor begging for somebody tolove me, like how the fuck did I
actually get here?
(01:04):
Like how did that happen?
You know, as I look back onthat, you know, and what I if I
only I knew you know what dothey say about?
Hindsight is 2020.
If I only knew then what I knownow.
I know now what was going on inthat moment and why I was so
desperate, like a fool, for thisman to love me, and with all of
(01:29):
them actually not just him, itwas with all of them.
And the whole reason that I hadbeen so desperate for love and
to have someone love me and tobeg someone to love me and to
choose me is because there was apart of me that really didn't
believe that I was worthy oflove, that I deserved love, that
(01:51):
anybody would ever really comearound and love me the way that
I wanted them to love me.
You know, like I said, you know,when I was younger, I always
remember my dad.
You know who was, you know whoagain, I can't say this enough
he loved us to the moon and backin his own sort of
dysfunctional way, but he really, truly did love us and I don't
(02:12):
have a doubt in my mind and hestill does to this day of
baggage and that love doesn'talways get expressed in the
healthiest ways.
It's certainly not expressed inthe ways we want them to be, or
at least in the way I want themto be expressed.
You know, I always wanted, um,someone to love me different Um,
(02:35):
and that's that's been my ownhealing is learning to accept
that this is the best my dad cando and and that's how he knows
how to love and that's how he'sbeen taught how to love.
And you know, that's alwaysbeen a healing journey for me
and it continues to be to thisday, to recognize that we have
two very different definitionsof how we love and making room
(02:58):
for that to kind of be okay, notto tolerate like bad behavior
or whatever.
I don't believe in that, butplease never use that as an
excuse to tolerate bad behavior.
But you know, I do think thatyou know, sometimes we have to
have grace for people who youknow really just don't know any
better.
You know, for somebody growingup in our generation who's had
access to personal developmentand therapy and stuff, I would
(03:20):
probably not be so lenient.
You know what I mean.
But when I look at my dad andwhat he's been through and what
he knows to be true and rightand wrong, like I mean, it is
what it is right.
But all that to say, like youknow, for me, you know that
moment it wasn't.
(03:41):
It wasn't.
I was desperate for that lovebecause you was never that.
(04:03):
That whole circumstance, thatwhole situation even though you
know it was hurtful and itbrought, you know, like, so much
pain, um, and so much, you know, trans, so much hurt and so
much transformation, which Imean, at the end of the day, was
a good thing.
You know, it was never abouthim.
It was about the pain that Iwas avoiding looking at, which
(04:29):
made me need him to show up inthe loving way that I needed him
to show up in, so that I wouldavoid that pain, that pain being
the belief that I was notworthy of love, that I would
never be loved the way that Iwanted to be loved.
The pain of, you know,remembering that my you know, my
dad didn't love me the way thatmy, my mind, I wanted him to
(04:51):
love me, um, how I wanted him tolove me and how he did love me
were two very different things,um, and I think that there was a
part of me that was stillhurting from that, and I think
that there was a part of me thatwas still, like you know, vying
for his attention and trying toget him to say I love you back.
And you know, doing all thethings that I would do to get my
(05:14):
dad to show up as the dad, theTV dad, right, the dad that you
see on TV, that's always loving,is always affectionate.
He's, you know, solveseverybody's problems in five
minutes or less.
You know, solves everybody'sproblems in five minutes or less
.
You know I grew up in thesitcom era, but life's not like
that, right?
So, and it's not to say that,you know, what I wanted in terms
of love was delusional, itwasn't.
I do believe that.
(05:35):
You know my parents, you knowGod love them.
They did the best that theycould, but you know they carried
a lot of dysfunction betweenthem.
Trauma, unhealed trauma thatthey had experienced as
childhood, you know, createdsome of that.
And also just the way they wereloved by their parents, because
that's the only way they knewhow.
And they carried their owntrauma and so on and so on and
(05:57):
so on.
And we've had patterns andtrauma and you know cycles that
have been carried down fromgeneration to generation to
generation.
So I was just repeating thesame cycles that my parents were
repeating, you know, with us.
And so you know I was trying,you know, I was trying to get
(06:19):
him to act like he loved me so Iwouldn't have to look at this
painful part of myself that was150% convinced she didn't
deserve love, she wasn't goodenough, she would never be good
enough to be loved and she wouldnever be loved the way that she
wanted to be loved.
And she just needed to acceptthat and that was the narrative
that was going on.
(06:39):
And by getting him to act likehe loved me and how I thought
love should look, it wouldtotally, totally negate all of
that and make it all untrue andmake all that pain and sadness
and hurt just go away.
But that's not how this worksright.
So in that moment when I hadthat, I can only describe it as
(07:03):
a soul awakening where I saidsomething here is not right,
this is not this, this is notwhat love is supposed to look
like.
Nope, something in me knew thatday this wasn't it and that was
the beginning of the undoing,and I had no idea how much work
(07:24):
I was looking at or how long itwould take or what I would have
to go through or the shit that Iwould have to learn and heal
along the way and stuff.
But the important thing is, Ithink, when we're moving through
these experiences and whenwe're moving through these pain
(07:45):
points in our lives, it's soimportant to remember that when,
much like an addiction, apattern is also an addiction is
(08:07):
also an addiction because it'ssomething we need or have become
reliant on in order to soothesomething or distract from
something right or to comfort usfrom something.
So it doesn't matter what it isLike I've said this before.
It doesn't matter if it'sexcessive shopping, if it's
binge watching your favoriteNetflix shows, which I'm still
guilty of overeating.
Could be sex, could be drugs,could be gambling, could be any
(08:29):
number of things.
But sometimes it's as simple asyou know.
An addiction can be as simple aschasing unavailable love again
and again and again.
That's an addiction because,believe it or not, you get a
real dopamine hit when, as soonas you get some attention, and
then, as soon as you don't havethat attention, you're
scrambling for that next fix.
Um, and attention is the verything, attention, validation, is
(08:58):
the very thing that you need toput some of these pains, to
silence them, to soothe them, toput them aside, to fool
yourself into thinking thatthey're not there for a hot
minute, you know.
So that was my dopamine hit wasgetting affection or attention
(09:18):
from emotionally unavailableguys who, um, you know, that
moment, for that moment it wason such a high, um, only to,
like you know, spend the next Idon't know days, weeks, months,
you know, trying to get the nexthit.
So the pain was that, you know,there was a part of me that
(09:39):
believed that I was not worthyof love, that it would never get
any better than this, that, youknow, I would always kind of be
on my own.
And I remember, like in myyounger years, oh my God, I
remember in our twenties, whenwe used to go clubbing and I
would like, like at the point ofpeak inebriation, like on the
way from the club to therestaurant that was open, like
after hours, we would walk inlike five minutes before closing
(10:03):
and order like souvlaki dinners, like around the table I know
we were eating spit, that I knowwe ate spit like they hated us.
We would come in five minutesbefore closing and order the
longest thing to cook on themenu and then make them work and
like we didn't know this, butwe found out after that, you
know they were supposed to begetting off at like whatever two
(10:23):
o'clock in the morning.
We would be walking in at likeone, 55 or no.
They were getting off at threeand we'd be walking in at two,
55, something like that andordering these massive dinner
Anyway, um, I remember likebeing at peak inebriation in the
backseat of my friend's carevery fucking Saturday night and
we had this like playlist likegoing on right, and so I
(10:44):
remember there was always, therewas always like there was a ton
of Madonna on this playlist andI remember when that song All
by Myself by Madonna came on, Iwould start singing that at the
top of my lungs All by myself, Idon't need anyone, like top of
my lungs.
(11:05):
And there was a part of me thatactually believed that I really
did.
And I really believed that notonly that, I believe that I
wasn't worthy of love.
But I think there was also apart of me that felt, you know,
that love wasn't safe.
You know, you know a lot of myyounger years, even like with my
friends, parents, you knowextended family.
(11:27):
You know I saw relationshipsthat were quite volatile, and so
love for me didn't feel verysafe.
So maybe emotionally availablewas the safe option as well.
Like there's so many stories.
There's so many stories whenyou start to unpack why we have
the pattern that we do and whatit is that it's keeping us from
seeing right.
(11:47):
But it's only when we eliminatethe distraction, we eliminate
the soothing, we eliminate thething that's keeping us from
feeling the thing oracknowledging the thing right,
when we start to feel the painand acknowledge the beliefs
behind that pain and what'sactually the narrative behind
the pattern.
That's when the magic happens,that's when the healing happens.
(12:09):
But we have to be willing to gothrough the discomfort of not
having the soothing or thedistraction or you know,
whatever.
Whatever is is keeping us fromseeing our truth and feeling our
, our, our, our pain, body rightand what it's trying to tell us
.
And and you know it's such anintricate um balance of feeling
(12:32):
the feelings, examining thebeliefs behind them and using
them to transform and healyourself and not get caught up
in that.
You never want to get caught upin it, you never want to
project it and you never want toignore it.
Those are all the wrong wayswe've been dealing with our
emotional body.
We either try and distract ordeny it, we project it onto the
(12:53):
people around us or we get stuckthere and we create like a
mindset or a belief around it.
You know, none of those arehealthy.
None of those are healthyexpressions.
Healthy is being able to movethrough it.
Extract the lesson, extract thewisdom and use that energy to
transmute into creating what youdo want.
That is really the superpower,you know.
(13:17):
And so I had to look at thispattern and I had to ask myself
well, what is this saying aboutme?
Like, what is it saying aboutwhat I believe I deserve, or
what is safe, or you know whatit is that I truly want or think
that is available to me?
And then I had to start to lookat all those beliefs, one by
(13:39):
one, and undo all the momentsand the events and the
conditioning behind each one.
So, looking at everything thatI might have gone through that
made me feel like I wasn'tworthy of love, or that love
wasn't safe, and that being anemotionally available and being
in love with somebody who'semotionally unavailable is a
(14:00):
safer alternative which, by theway, is totally and
categorically untrue, becausethere's nothing more painful
than being in love with somebodywho's emotionally unavailable
to you Nothing.
And it's painful because theydon't love you back, but also
because you're forced to look atall the shit that's going on on
the inside.
So it's also kind of perfect,to be honest, but nonetheless,
(14:24):
that is the work.
So if you're somebody who's been, you know, if you've been in a
pattern of dating emotionallyunavailable people, people who
are consistently not showing upfor you, who consistently show
you that they don't love you,and you keep chasing them, ask
yourself what is it that you'rerunning from within yourself
that these people aredistracting you from?
(14:45):
What are you avoiding withinyou when you're chasing them?
What is it?
What pain, what fear, whatheartbreak Are they soothing in
those moments when they show youjust the littlest, tiniest bit
of affection?
Because that, my love, is whereyour healing is and that is
where the magic is going tohappen.
(15:06):
And if you have the courage togo into it to see what's going
on in there and see what it'strying to tell you, I promise
you the transformation will beso worth it on the other side,
but you have to be willing tolook at what's going on
underneath it all, because I'mtelling you right now it has
nothing to do with them and ithas everything to do with you
(15:29):
and the pain that you'reavoiding within you.
So the sooner you start to avoidthat pain and look at it, the
sooner you will start to becomemagnetic to emotionally
available relationships.
And this isn't just likeromantic.
This is all kind of friendships, partners, whatever, like it
(15:52):
doesn't matter, like this iswhere you start to have people
who are in your life, who areready to have a deep emotional
connection with you, to get toknow you, to see you, to love
you, because you have to see andlove yourself.
You have to connect withyourself on a deep soul level if
you want others to connect withyou on a deep soul level,
(16:14):
because you need to getcomfortable with the whole of
you and to integrate the wholeof you and to stop rejecting
parts of yourself, to reclaimall those parts of yourself that
you've been rejecting for solong and not to say that you're
(16:35):
not broken.
You're not.
I don't believe people arebroken.
I do believe that there's partsof ourselves that we're
rejecting or ignoring and whenwe start to bring those back
together, we come to this placeof wholeness, of soul wholeness,
and that's when we reallybecome the most magnetic,
because that is when we take ourpower back from all these
(16:55):
people, places and things thathave caused us pain, and that is
when we become truly powerfuland magnetic.
So start to look.
So you know, start to look atall these beliefs, start to look
at all these parts of yourselfthat are might be, maybe sad,
maybe hurt, maybe in pain, maybeeven in anger and rage.
Start to look at all theseparts of yourselves and ask you,
ask yourself you know what is,what is?
(17:17):
What?
Is this relationship not givingme what I need?
You know which?
You know the love, thevalidation, the attention, the
affection, whatever it is.
Why do I?
Why do I still keep chasing it?
Why am I chasing?
What is it that I'm avoiding inmyself by chasing that love and
validation that I know is goingto soothe whatever's going on on
the inside, because that iswhere the miracles happen and
(17:41):
that when you start to go inwardand look at yourself like that
and start to love yourself likethat and start to see yourself
and all these parts of yourselfthat you've been rejecting and
ignoring and not payingattention to, that's when you
become magnetic as fuck.
So you know, stop chasing them,stop looking at what they're
doing, chasing them, stoplooking at what they're doing,
(18:05):
stop making it about them andlook at why do you need this
relationship so badly?
And what is what does that love, receiving that love mean?
You'll soothe within yourself.
What belief will that?
Will that put to rest withinyours?
Or doubt or fear Will that putto rest within yourself?
Because you have that externalvalidation, because that is
where the work is and I knowthat, that's where it was for me
(18:27):
, because I, when I, you know,when I go back to that moment
where I said I just want you tolove me, like why can't you love
me?
And then his look of disdainand just hatred and annoyance
with me, you know, when I thinkback, and I think back that
moment where I was like this isnot normal, right, and I knew
(18:49):
that, and I said, okay, but howdid I get here and why, like,
why did I do that?
Why would I ever, like putmyself in a position where, like
, put myself in a position whereyou know I was, I was, you know
, setting the bar so low formyself that I would do that to
to beg someone to love me, tochoose me, um, and so I had to
(19:12):
look at okay, well, why was I sodesperate for somebody who
clearly was emotionallyunavailable to me to love me,
because it would put the beliefthat I wasn't loved.
There was a little girl in methat still believed that she
wasn't loved by her dad, eventhough she was.
But there was a little girl inme that believed that she wasn't
loved by her dad and so by metrying to convince him to act
(19:32):
like he loved me, it would belike putting that little part of
me, that little girl who wasjust begging for her dad's love
and attention, to you know, puther at ease, right, but that
wasn't the healing my soulneeded.
That's not healing, that is thedefinition of addiction and and
(19:53):
escape ism.
So what I needed to do was havethat love taken away from me so
I could see that little girland say but you were loved, you
always were, even when youdidn't feel like it, even though
sometimes this is what I alwaystell clients.
You know, because we all comefrom different stories and
(20:15):
different backgrounds anddifferent experiences.
And for some of us ourcaregivers loved us.
And you know, unfortunately,for many of us we didn't have
caregivers who loved us, and youknow this is where we get very
esoteric in the work.
Here's the thing whether yourcaregivers, loved you or not,
(20:35):
you were always born out of loveand if you're here, you're here
for a reason and there is ahigher source that absolutely
loves you just the way you are.
And I think part of ourexperience here in this lifetime
is to detach from everythingthis world told us that we need
in order to feel safe, which isthe love of other people.
(20:57):
Maybe it's money, maybe it'sbeauty, maybe it's whatever you
know, whatever you've toldyourself you needed in order to
be safe and successful in thisworld.
I think a big lesson for all ofus is learning to detach from
all of that and recognizingputting our love and our faith
into a higher power to love us,to accept us unconditionally, to
support us in ways that thisworld can never do, can never do
(21:28):
, and so a lot of my healing waslearning to lean into that love
, because my dad just couldn'texpress love the way that I
needed him to, and even now, ashe's getting older, it's getting
even more and more difficult.
So I'm having to lean on thatmore than I ever have.
So you know, take that for whatit's worth, I think.
I think when we find love insource, we find love within
ourselves and I think it.
I think it goes hand in hand,because if we love source and we
(21:53):
trust source and whatever nameyou give it, if you call God, if
you call source, if you call itcreator, you know.
Whatever you name, it doesn'treally matter at the end of the
day.
If you call it creator, youknow.
Whatever you name, it doesn'treally matter at the end of the
day.
What does matter is that if youbelieve that you were created
by this, you know almightyspiritual presence, then you
(22:14):
have to believe that you'reperfect and worthy of love,
because why would anything likethat ever create something that
wasn't, even though sometimes inour human expression, we don't,
you know, always show up thatway, some more than others.
However, there is a purpose foryou being here, there is a
(22:37):
reason that you were created andI do think that where sometimes
the difficulty comes and wheresometimes I think you know how
our lives play out and whatwe're meant to be here and
experience, I think you know,depending on the level of karma
that you bring to each life,like each life experience could
(22:59):
be vastly different from thenext life, like each life
experience could be vastlydifferent from the next.
But I think if you can alwaysremember that source loves you
and, you know, totally createdyou for a reason, and the more
that you lean into that reasonor purpose and trust it, you'll
be okay.
(23:19):
I don't know why it went off onthat tangent, but I did.
But that is something that I'vebeen really moving through
lately.
So there it is.
The importance is not to getwrapped up in what the ego will
tell you, because the ego willalways try and keep you from
that truth, even though the egois also trying to keep you safe.
It's not bad, but it is actingout of your childhood trauma and
(23:41):
limiting belief.
So we do gently need toacknowledge the ego and thank it
for, you know, wanting to keepit safe.
But we have to start to move ina different direction, a higher
perspective direction than whatwe've been perpetuating up until
this point, and that includesin our relationship.
(24:02):
So be able and be willing tolook at it from a higher, from a
higher perspective as to youknow what it is that you're
running from and what is it thatyou're trying to get to avoid a
pain that just wants to belooked at Right.
So that is a very mixed upmessage.
(24:26):
I have no idea what I'm goingto call this episode, but there
it is.
So let me know what you takeaway in the comments below,
wherever you're seeing this, andif you love this episode,
please, please, please, please,leave a positive rating and
review on iTunes or Spotify orwherever you're seeing this.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
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