October 14, 2024 • 14 mins
What if the secret to your healing journey lies in the people you spend the most time with? Have you ever considered that your closest relationships could either be your greatest assets or your biggest liabilities? On this episode of the Finally Healed podcast, hosted by Jessica Lundy, we unpack the profound impact social connections have on your mental health and well-being. Through a blend of personal reflection and practical advice, you'll learn to evaluate your friendships and decide which ones genuinely uplift you and promote your personal growth. Jessica challenges you to assess the value of your social circle, encouraging you to foster relationships that support your self-care goals and rid yourself of those that drain your energy.
Episode Highlights:
- Discover why you are the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with.
- Identify the difference between friends who are assets versus those who are liabilities.
- Learn practical tips for creating new, meaningful connections as an adult.
- Reflect on your current friendships and relationships with the asset/liability exercise.
Healing Moment Action Item: Create a list of your closest friends and by their name write if they are an asset to your life or a liability. Remember to be honest with yourself during this exercise.
Listen to the full episode now and join our healing journey together!
Join the Waitlist for our end-of-the-year event Elevate & Thrive in 2025. https://jessicalundy.com/workshop/
🙌 If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your friends. Remember, you've got this!
RESOURCES
Jessica Lundy
Connect with Jessica on Instagram @jessicalundytv and follow the Podcast @FinallyHealedPod.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jessica Lundy (00:00):
You are the sum total of the five people that
you spend the most time with.
When you think about every timethat you do something and
you're not getting support, thatperson is just kind of bringing
you down, making you feelexhausted.
That's a liability, sis.
They need to be removed fromyour life.
As you're thinking aboutcreating these new friendships,
(00:20):
I want you to ask yourself whatyou can bring to the table that
I can be that asset From thatmindset.
That is how you start toattract high quality people.
Welcome to the Finally Healedwith Jessica Lundy podcast,
(00:51):
where we prioritize mentalhealth self-care and embrace our
healing journey together.
Now, this podcast is going tobe so good because we are
talking about diversifying yourfriend groups, and that might
not even be something that youknew you actually needed to do.
(01:14):
When you look at your friends,I really want you to be honest
with yourself.
Do your friends encourage youLike?
Do your friends cheer you on tosucceed, or are your friends
draining you and you leave theirpresence and you're wondering
why am I still their friend?
(01:34):
Are there certain relationshipsthat you have in your life
where you're wondering how havethey made it past, season after
season?
Can I get an amen on that one.
Right, there are certain peoplethat do not need to be your
friend in this season and whereyou are going next.
So we're going to dive into allof that and more.
(01:55):
But I want to talk about theimportance of social support and
what that looks like for you onyour healing journey.
When you think about thefriends that you have, the
relations, the romanticrelationships that you are in as
well, that is important to yourhealing journey.
So when you think aboutself-care, when you think about
(02:16):
your mental health and yourwellbeing, a lot of that stuff
is solo.
That's things that you're doingby yourself, and you might not
even realize that the peoplethat are the closest to you have
the biggest positive ornegative effect on your mental
health.
See, you might have beenfeeling energetic and excited
(02:37):
and ambitious prior to having aconversation with someone.
So now, all of a sudden, youare feeling sad and depressed
and low and you're like, whereis that even coming from?
Like I was actually having agood day, and so when I think
about how the relationship inour life I mean, there is
research around this and one ofmy favorite quotes is that you
(03:01):
are the sum total of the fivepeople that you spend the most
time with.
So I want you to think aboutthose friendships that you have,
the sum total of the fivepeople that you spend the most
time with.
So I want you to think aboutthose friendships that you have
in your life.
Think about the people that youeither choose to be in your
life or that are automaticallyadded, meaning our family.
A lot of times, we can't changeour family and we might wish you
(03:22):
at times to add or replace amember.
Okay, that's, yes, yourbusiness.
I won't ask no questions.
But when we think about thecoworkers that we choose to
spend time with at work, when wethink about the friends that we
call ourselves, the socialorganizations and memberships
and the associations that wechoose to be a part of, that is
(03:42):
our choice, meaning you need toconstantly be evaluating those
relationships and figure out ifthey are an asset or or a
liability.
Now, when I think of asset, Ithink of something that is going
to get better over time,meaning that relationship is
evolving and is changing and youlook up and it's like we have
(04:05):
done so much stuff together,like I am better because of you.
That's what you want to be ableto say about your friends, when
you think about every time thatyou do something and you're not
getting support, that person isjust kind of bringing you down,
making you feel exhausted.
That's a liability, sis, andthey need to be removed from
(04:27):
your life.
Now you might be in certainsituations or circumstances, or
they might even be your businesspartner and you're like how do
I even have these conversationswith people?
So I think it comes out ofclarity when you're trying to
figure out what relationshipsare good for you or not.
I want you to do that based onself-reflection and not emotion,
(04:50):
meaning I want you to take adeeper look at the people that
you're attracting into your life.
Want you to take a deeper lookat the people that you're
attracting into your life.
So a lot of people pick friendsand it kind of ends up becoming
a pattern, meaning you might beattracted to or connected to
people that are go-getters.
You might be connected orattracted to people that always
(05:13):
need to be rescued, and when Irealized that I had a certain
amount of friends in a season ofmy life where it felt like I
was their caregiver or I wastheir babysitter or their life
was so in my hands, I had toevaluate what was it in me that
felt like I had to rescue people, and so sometimes it can be
(05:35):
easier just to continue goingthroughout life, going through
our relationships, withouttaking the time to properly
evaluate whether they are a goodfit or not.
But when I took that time, Irealized that I had to go back
to therapy and heal from some ofthe stuff that I had suppressed
.
I realized that certainbehaviors that I might have seen
(06:00):
from my mom, that I might haveseen from other family members,
might have made me moresusceptible to embracing these
relationships, to taking onroles that I shouldn't be doing.
So I want you to have an honestconversation with yourself and
really identify these patternsof behavior, because, I promise
(06:24):
you, it is much deeper than afriend not responding to a text,
or it's much deeper thanfeeling triggered every time
that you have a conversationwith someone.
Then, feeling triggered everytime that you have a
conversation with someone, thatis a sign that we have to pay
attention to.
That is a red flag that wecan't ignore.
So when you're thinking aboutthese relationships, you might
(06:47):
be thinking just how do Idiversify my friendships?
Like you might be in a seasonwhere you're like I.
I'm feeling like I'm beingmoved in a different direction.
I feel like I'm in a season ofelevation.
I'm feeling like I want thesehigh level friends.
Like where do I even find them?
Like?
How do I even put myself outthere?
Let's be honest, it's a littleawkward making friends as an
(07:09):
adult, but I need you to kind ofhave that boldness of a
kindergartner that does not careabout race, ethnicity, culture,
background, how much moneytheir parents make.
They just want to be yourfriend because they have
something in common.
Right?
They just trying to play on thesandbox and that's what we have
in common, and so, if we canget back to why do we want to
(07:33):
build additional relationships?
What are the activities that youlike to do?
I also encourage you to havehobbies.
Like that can be a really goodway to diversify your friend
group.
I'm planning on joining a golfcommunity because I used to golf
in high school and I'm wantingto get back into it and I saw
that there's a new like wave ofblack women golfers and so I'm
(07:57):
like I want to be a part of thismovement.
So I also know that that'sgoing to be a great place to
connect.
It's going to be a great placeto network.
It's going to be a great placeto meet like-minded people that
are interested in a similarstyle of culture.
That's important to me.
So I want you to really lookinto that, because if I were to
(08:17):
ask you, what are your hobbies?
A lot of adults really strugglewith that.
You know, they think abouttheir family time, they think
about their work.
They might say working out, butmost people don't have an
actual hobby, and that'ssomething that you can have in
common with other people.
That's also going to help youdiversify your friendships you
can have in common with otherpeople.
(08:38):
That's also going to help youdiversify your friendships.
I personally like to havefriends from a variety of
backgrounds, a variety ofexperiences, because what it
does is it keeps you sharp andit reminds you how big the world
is.
When I was younger, I hadfriends that were so similar to
me similar background, similarupbringing and so I saw the
(08:59):
world from a very narrow view.
But as I became more mature, asI put myself in the right rooms
, as I continue to expose myselfto different cultures,
different experience andtraveling more, now I had a lot
to value to the friendship.
So, as you're thinking aboutcreating these new friendships.
(09:22):
I want you to ask yourself whatyou can bring to the table.
I don't want you to think aboutthis as a situation where
you're like, oh, I got, you know, a relationship that I can now
take from.
I want you to think about thisis a new relationship that I can
serve, that I can be a blessingto, that.
I can be that asset when you gointo relationships, friendships
(09:45):
, partnerships, anything likethat, from that mindset, that is
how you start to attract highquality people that are
interested in building somethingso special and potent together.
And then you also want to askpeople like where they're at on
their healing journey, becausethere have been certain people
that I have met in specificseasons and because of what
(10:09):
they're dealing with, whetherthat was maybe even something
traumatic that just happened tothem.
They let me know it wasn't agood season for us to try to
build a relationship, because itwasn't going to be stable, that
they would kind of check inwith me once they got secure.
And so I think that's important, especially as adults, for us
to be so honest with people onwhat our time expectation is,
(10:32):
what we can actually handle.
I'd rather someone be upfrontand say, listen, my schedule is
actually handle.
I'd rather someone be up frontand say, listen, my schedule is
super busy.
I might only be able to checkin with you once a month, then
you're able to know yourexpectations, but I think once
you establish those, that makesit a lot easier.
(10:52):
So I'm encouraging you to getout.
I'm encouraging you to connect.
I'm encouraging you to actuallygo to networking events, even
if you call yourself anintrovert, and it can be a
little bit challenging to meetnew people.
If you focus on meeting oneperson a quarter, that is four
quality relationships that youhave established that year.
(11:14):
I know you can do it and it'sgoing to be valuable.
Now, if you've had somerelationships that have not
worked out that well in the past, I don't want you to say you
know, listen, no new friends.
Okay.
I want you to come from ahealed place where you're
constantly being willing to letpeople in your life let's take
(11:38):
it deeper.
You're willing.
I want you to be willing to letpeople love you, to let people
show you love, to let peopleshow you kindness, to let people
show you love, because a lot ofpeople have a lot of love to
give and I know you have a lotof love to give as well.
So when I think about ourhealing moment for today, this
is actually an exercise that Iuse with my speaking clients
(12:04):
when I'm speaking in schools andcolleges and corporations, and
so I want you to make an assetor a liability list, meaning I
want you to make a list of allof your friends, all of the
relationships you have, and Iwant you to be brutally honest
(12:24):
and say put a plus if thatperson is an asset, put a minus
if that person is a liability.
I don't want you to do thisfrom a place of being emotional.
I want you just to be purelyhonest on the type of value that
they have added to yourrelationship and from there, if
(12:46):
someone is an asset that allowsyou to know I might need to
spend some more time with them,to become closer to them,
because they are adding to mylife.
As someone is a liability.
It might be time to have thathard conversation.
Some things are fixable andsome things are not, and that is
okay.
(13:06):
I have relationships that I wasso grateful that they were
friends of mine in a specificseason in my life.
I have come to realize thatevery friendship is not a
lifelong friendship, and that istotally fine, but I am grateful
for the time that I have withthem.
So I want you to do thathomework.
You don't gotta share all ofthe names and whether it's an
(13:31):
asset or a liability, but let meknow if you decide to do this
exercise.
I promise you it will be lifechanging and it will be eye
opening, because the people thatyou might be spending the most
time to might be the biggestliabilities.
I hope that's not true, butoftentimes when I do this
exercise with people, that iswhat they tell me.
(13:55):
So thank you for tuning in toanother episode of the Finally
Healed with Jessica Lundypodcast.
If you have enjoyed the podcast, make sure that you subscribe,
leave us a review and share thiswith your friends.
Remember we've got this.
You are the sum total of the five people that
you spend the most time with.
When you think about every timethat you do something and
you're not getting support, thatperson is just kind of bringing
you down, making you feelexhausted.
That's a liability, sis.
They need to be removed fromyour life.
As you're thinking aboutcreating these new friendships,
(00:20):
I want you to ask yourself whatyou can bring to the table that
I can be that asset From thatmindset.
That is how you start toattract high quality people.
Welcome to the Finally Healedwith Jessica Lundy podcast,
(00:51):
where we prioritize mentalhealth self-care and embrace our
healing journey together.
Now, this podcast is going tobe so good because we are
talking about diversifying yourfriend groups, and that might
not even be something that youknew you actually needed to do.
(01:14):
When you look at your friends,I really want you to be honest
with yourself.
Do your friends encourage youLike?
Do your friends cheer you on tosucceed, or are your friends
draining you and you leave theirpresence and you're wondering
why am I still their friend?
(01:34):
Are there certain relationshipsthat you have in your life
where you're wondering how havethey made it past, season after
season?
Can I get an amen on that one.
Right, there are certain peoplethat do not need to be your
friend in this season and whereyou are going next.
So we're going to dive into allof that and more.
(01:55):
But I want to talk about theimportance of social support and
what that looks like for you onyour healing journey.
When you think about thefriends that you have, the
relations, the romanticrelationships that you are in as
well, that is important to yourhealing journey.
So when you think aboutself-care, when you think about
(02:16):
your mental health and yourwellbeing, a lot of that stuff
is solo.
That's things that you're doingby yourself, and you might not
even realize that the peoplethat are the closest to you have
the biggest positive ornegative effect on your mental
health.
See, you might have beenfeeling energetic and excited
(02:37):
and ambitious prior to having aconversation with someone.
So now, all of a sudden, youare feeling sad and depressed
and low and you're like, whereis that even coming from?
Like I was actually having agood day, and so when I think
about how the relationship inour life I mean, there is
research around this and one ofmy favorite quotes is that you
(03:01):
are the sum total of the fivepeople that you spend the most
time with.
So I want you to think aboutthose friendships that you have,
the sum total of the fivepeople that you spend the most
time with.
So I want you to think aboutthose friendships that you have
in your life.
Think about the people that youeither choose to be in your
life or that are automaticallyadded, meaning our family.
A lot of times, we can't changeour family and we might wish you
(03:22):
at times to add or replace amember.
Okay, that's, yes, yourbusiness.
I won't ask no questions.
But when we think about thecoworkers that we choose to
spend time with at work, when wethink about the friends that we
call ourselves, the socialorganizations and memberships
and the associations that wechoose to be a part of, that is
(03:42):
our choice, meaning you need toconstantly be evaluating those
relationships and figure out ifthey are an asset or or a
liability.
Now, when I think of asset, Ithink of something that is going
to get better over time,meaning that relationship is
evolving and is changing and youlook up and it's like we have
(04:05):
done so much stuff together,like I am better because of you.
That's what you want to be ableto say about your friends, when
you think about every time thatyou do something and you're not
getting support, that person isjust kind of bringing you down,
making you feel exhausted.
That's a liability, sis, andthey need to be removed from
(04:27):
your life.
Now you might be in certainsituations or circumstances, or
they might even be your businesspartner and you're like how do
I even have these conversationswith people?
So I think it comes out ofclarity when you're trying to
figure out what relationshipsare good for you or not.
I want you to do that based onself-reflection and not emotion,
(04:50):
meaning I want you to take adeeper look at the people that
you're attracting into your life.
Want you to take a deeper lookat the people that you're
attracting into your life.
So a lot of people pick friendsand it kind of ends up becoming
a pattern, meaning you might beattracted to or connected to
people that are go-getters.
You might be connected orattracted to people that always
(05:13):
need to be rescued, and when Irealized that I had a certain
amount of friends in a season ofmy life where it felt like I
was their caregiver or I wastheir babysitter or their life
was so in my hands, I had toevaluate what was it in me that
felt like I had to rescue people, and so sometimes it can be
(05:35):
easier just to continue goingthroughout life, going through
our relationships, withouttaking the time to properly
evaluate whether they are a goodfit or not.
But when I took that time, Irealized that I had to go back
to therapy and heal from some ofthe stuff that I had suppressed
.
I realized that certainbehaviors that I might have seen
(06:00):
from my mom, that I might haveseen from other family members,
might have made me moresusceptible to embracing these
relationships, to taking onroles that I shouldn't be doing.
So I want you to have an honestconversation with yourself and
really identify these patternsof behavior, because, I promise
(06:24):
you, it is much deeper than afriend not responding to a text,
or it's much deeper thanfeeling triggered every time
that you have a conversationwith someone.
Then, feeling triggered everytime that you have a
conversation with someone, thatis a sign that we have to pay
attention to.
That is a red flag that wecan't ignore.
So when you're thinking aboutthese relationships, you might
(06:47):
be thinking just how do Idiversify my friendships?
Like you might be in a seasonwhere you're like I.
I'm feeling like I'm beingmoved in a different direction.
I feel like I'm in a season ofelevation.
I'm feeling like I want thesehigh level friends.
Like where do I even find them?
Like?
How do I even put myself outthere?
Let's be honest, it's a littleawkward making friends as an
(07:09):
adult, but I need you to kind ofhave that boldness of a
kindergartner that does not careabout race, ethnicity, culture,
background, how much moneytheir parents make.
They just want to be yourfriend because they have
something in common.
Right?
They just trying to play on thesandbox and that's what we have
in common, and so, if we canget back to why do we want to
(07:33):
build additional relationships?
What are the activities that youlike to do?
I also encourage you to havehobbies.
Like that can be a really goodway to diversify your friend
group.
I'm planning on joining a golfcommunity because I used to golf
in high school and I'm wantingto get back into it and I saw
that there's a new like wave ofblack women golfers and so I'm
(07:57):
like I want to be a part of thismovement.
So I also know that that'sgoing to be a great place to
connect.
It's going to be a great placeto network.
It's going to be a great placeto meet like-minded people that
are interested in a similarstyle of culture.
That's important to me.
So I want you to really lookinto that, because if I were to
(08:17):
ask you, what are your hobbies?
A lot of adults really strugglewith that.
You know, they think abouttheir family time, they think
about their work.
They might say working out, butmost people don't have an
actual hobby, and that'ssomething that you can have in
common with other people.
That's also going to help youdiversify your friendships you
can have in common with otherpeople.
(08:38):
That's also going to help youdiversify your friendships.
I personally like to havefriends from a variety of
backgrounds, a variety ofexperiences, because what it
does is it keeps you sharp andit reminds you how big the world
is.
When I was younger, I hadfriends that were so similar to
me similar background, similarupbringing and so I saw the
(08:59):
world from a very narrow view.
But as I became more mature, asI put myself in the right rooms
, as I continue to expose myselfto different cultures,
different experience andtraveling more, now I had a lot
to value to the friendship.
So, as you're thinking aboutcreating these new friendships.
(09:22):
I want you to ask yourself whatyou can bring to the table.
I don't want you to think aboutthis as a situation where
you're like, oh, I got, you know, a relationship that I can now
take from.
I want you to think about thisis a new relationship that I can
serve, that I can be a blessingto, that.
I can be that asset when you gointo relationships, friendships
(09:45):
, partnerships, anything likethat, from that mindset, that is
how you start to attract highquality people that are
interested in building somethingso special and potent together.
And then you also want to askpeople like where they're at on
their healing journey, becausethere have been certain people
that I have met in specificseasons and because of what
(10:09):
they're dealing with, whetherthat was maybe even something
traumatic that just happened tothem.
They let me know it wasn't agood season for us to try to
build a relationship, because itwasn't going to be stable, that
they would kind of check inwith me once they got secure.
And so I think that's important, especially as adults, for us
to be so honest with people onwhat our time expectation is,
(10:32):
what we can actually handle.
I'd rather someone be upfrontand say, listen, my schedule is
actually handle.
I'd rather someone be up frontand say, listen, my schedule is
super busy.
I might only be able to checkin with you once a month, then
you're able to know yourexpectations, but I think once
you establish those, that makesit a lot easier.
(10:52):
So I'm encouraging you to getout.
I'm encouraging you to connect.
I'm encouraging you to actuallygo to networking events, even
if you call yourself anintrovert, and it can be a
little bit challenging to meetnew people.
If you focus on meeting oneperson a quarter, that is four
quality relationships that youhave established that year.
(11:14):
I know you can do it and it'sgoing to be valuable.
Now, if you've had somerelationships that have not
worked out that well in the past, I don't want you to say you
know, listen, no new friends.
Okay.
I want you to come from ahealed place where you're
constantly being willing to letpeople in your life let's take
(11:38):
it deeper.
You're willing.
I want you to be willing to letpeople love you, to let people
show you love, to let peopleshow you kindness, to let people
show you love, because a lot ofpeople have a lot of love to
give and I know you have a lotof love to give as well.
So when I think about ourhealing moment for today, this
is actually an exercise that Iuse with my speaking clients
(12:04):
when I'm speaking in schools andcolleges and corporations, and
so I want you to make an assetor a liability list, meaning I
want you to make a list of allof your friends, all of the
relationships you have, and Iwant you to be brutally honest
(12:24):
and say put a plus if thatperson is an asset, put a minus
if that person is a liability.
I don't want you to do thisfrom a place of being emotional.
I want you just to be purelyhonest on the type of value that
they have added to yourrelationship and from there, if
(12:46):
someone is an asset that allowsyou to know I might need to
spend some more time with them,to become closer to them,
because they are adding to mylife.
As someone is a liability.
It might be time to have thathard conversation.
Some things are fixable andsome things are not, and that is
okay.
(13:06):
I have relationships that I wasso grateful that they were
friends of mine in a specificseason in my life.
I have come to realize thatevery friendship is not a
lifelong friendship, and that istotally fine, but I am grateful
for the time that I have withthem.
So I want you to do thathomework.
You don't gotta share all ofthe names and whether it's an
(13:31):
asset or a liability, but let meknow if you decide to do this
exercise.
I promise you it will be lifechanging and it will be eye
opening, because the people thatyou might be spending the most
time to might be the biggestliabilities.
I hope that's not true, butoftentimes when I do this
exercise with people, that iswhat they tell me.
(13:55):
So thank you for tuning in toanother episode of the Finally
Healed with Jessica Lundypodcast.
If you have enjoyed the podcast, make sure that you subscribe,
leave us a review and share thiswith your friends.
Remember we've got this.
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