330 - Break Free from Emotional Patterns - With Melanie Whitney - The Futur with Chris Do

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
And, I mean, there's so muchresearch now on gratitude and how
powerful it is in changing our state.
It's one of the most powerfulemotions to anchor you into the present
moment.
The most powerful is gratitudebecause you can't be anywhere else
when you're saying what you'regrateful for.
You have to be here.

(00:22):
My name is Melanie Whitney,and you are listening to the future.
Melanie, what do you want totalk about?
I would actually really liketo talk about.
This notion of that I've beenseeing a lot this year in my coaching
is that I don't think peopleunderstand how important and vital

(00:45):
it is to be able toemotionally regulate yourself, to
really get to the places youwant to go or to have the experiences
you want to have.
So emotional regulation issomething I've noticed.
Just people are not like, oh,sign me up.
It's like.
It's something a lot of peoplelearn in therapy, and I think a lot
of people are more open now to therapy.
But what I just realized thisyear while I was doing the coaching

(01:09):
is that people come to me forthe communication piece.
They're like, yeah, I wannalearn how to be a better communicator.
But then what they don'trealize is really what needs to,
quote, unquote, be fixed isthe story that they have about X,
Y and Z in their mind.
So it's all about your thoughtcreates that emotion.
So the story you have in yourhead, the thought you're, creates

(01:30):
the emotion.
And that is the very emotionthat's going to dictate your behavior.
And guess what?
Your behaviors that arerepeated are going to create your
life.
And so it's been such a small,tiny little formula that I've just
been honing in on with mycoaching clients and, you know, different
workshops and what have you.
And it's so simple, but it's.
It's finally simple enough forI think people to understand.

(01:52):
Because I think before, theway I was doing it was too many steps
for people.
It was too much.
So I just realized that a lotof us struggle with emotional regulation
and we project that job ontothe other person.
Like, Chris, I want you tomake me feel better.
I want you to believe in me.
I want you to, whatever, fillin the blank.

(02:13):
We just pass that on.
So it's just something I'vebeen seeing a lot of.
And with all the uncertaintyin the world right now, I think people
are.
Struggling now for people whodon't know who you are.
Melanie, can you pleaseintroduce yourself and tell us a
little bit of Your backstory?
Yes.
So my name is Melanie Whitney.
So what I do for work, Iessentially teach people how to mindfully

(02:34):
communicate and regulate their emotions.
But my background, I never ina million years thought I'd be doing
this for work.
This is like so opposite ofwhat I thought I would be doing.
I grew up in SouthernCalifornia, My parents are first
gen here, so grew up veryMexican American.
And the big thing that drovemost of my life and my adolescence
was go to school, go toschool, get an education, get a safe

(02:56):
job.
And so that was deeplygrounded in me.
So from, I mean kindergarten,I was like an overachiever, the poster
child, kid, good at school,made friends, great at sports, and
that was it, that was the track.
And it was that all the wayuntil college and then my master's

(03:17):
program.
So I just in my mind if Ifinished my education and I did all
the things and I checked allthe boxes, I was going to be solid
in life.
And then that proved to not be true.
I graduated, couldn't get ajob, couldn't pay my student loans,
and I actually ended upfinding I was unemployed for like

(03:37):
six to eight months, whichseem is like forever when you have
bills to pay and things like that.
And so there I was like, youknow, in my early 20s.
Now I look back, I'm like, Iwas a baby.
But at that time I was like, Ihave my master's degree, I should
be doing this by now.
I should be doing this, this,this and this.
So anyway, life had differentthings in store.

(03:57):
I went into marketing andevent planning, which I thought that's
what I wanted to do.
And that was my mission.
I was very detail oriented,type A perfectionist.
And when I went into thatpath, it was good for about almost
a year.
And then I got laid off rightafter I bought a brand new car and

(04:17):
I almost signed a lease in anapartment in la and thank God I didn't.
I think I got let go.
They were downsizing like twodays before I signed the lease.
So that was a blessing.
But I ended up living backwith my parents in my childhood bedroom
in my twin size bed.
And that was like the firstrock bottom that I had.

(04:39):
I was like, what am I doingwith my life?
And so that was the first timeI was introduced to mindfulness because
I needed to pick myself up outof the floor.
And I picked up a book calledthe Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
And that was my firstintroduction to mindfulness.
But I still was not ready forthat deep dive.
And so I ended up becoming aprofessor and being super academic

(05:02):
still and doing all the things.
And again, more bunch ofdifferent life events happened.
And ultimately I just realizedhow limited I was living in the education
space because it's very bureaucratic.
You have to follow these rulesand do these things.
And then one time I saw flyerfor a TEDx talk and it had always

(05:26):
been like a little secretdream of mine to do that I never
told anybody.
And I was like, you know, I'mjust gonna apply.
I probably won't even get it.
And then I got it and I waslike, oh shit, now I need to come
up with a talk for this.
And then I just did the TEDtalk on my experience.
And that one TED talk ended upleading to another workshop and another
workshop.
And that's kind of the shortversion of how I got here, was really

(05:49):
healing myself through thatwhole process.
I just want to sit in that fora minute.
Thank you for sharing that.
I want to go back in time alittle bit to try and understand
you.
So you're Mexican American?
First generation American.
My parents are first gen, theywere born here.
I'm second.
Okay, you're second.
How is it that you have thename Whitney?
My dad's part white.

(06:10):
That's, that's why, that'swhere it comes from.
That's why he's like a sliver white.
That's where the name comes from.
And it's sad because weactually don't know too much of his
ancestry because he had anabsent father.
So we learned what we know is through.
What's that called ancestry.
He did his ancestry.
And so we know a little bit,but not too much.
We think it's like from the map.

(06:32):
According to the map, it'slike right by Ireland in Scotland,
right there.
So somewhere in there therewas a Scottish Irish white man who
impregnated a Latina?
It seems that way, yes.
Because you're, you're asliver of white but then disappeared
out of the story.
Okay, now I just wanted tounderstand that part.

(06:52):
Okay, so you're very academic minded.
You do well in school.
You're unlike me.
I'm first generation immigrant.
I'm supposed to do well.
I'm like, I don't know about this.
You're anti.
Well, not anti.
It's just like the pressure todo well in school, as many immigrant
children will tell you, isvery real.
And luckily I had a olderbrother who would shield me from

(07:13):
most of that pressure to do well.
Oh, so you're middle child?
I'm A mother freaking middle child.
There we go.
The truth is out.
I have middle child syndrome.
And we can.
The forgotten child.
The forgotten child, yes.
You know, the middle child's disappeared.
What do you mean?
That's a phenomenon becausepeople are not having three kids
now.
They might have one, theymight have two, so there's no more

(07:34):
middle child.
There's a whole article onthis if you want to look it up.
Yeah, it's the disappearanceof the middle child.
Well, I empathize because I ama middle child, but technically I
have an older sibling, butwe're like 12 years apart, so I also
grew up very much like theeldest child when she left.
So I have.
I have both.
So anyway, you were saying yougot shielded from that.
Well, and apparently youweren't because 12 years is a good

(07:56):
time to forget.
And then all the pressure isback on you again to do well.
And so you excel in school andyou, you go to get a degree and then
you get a master's degree.
Where'd you go to school andwhat'd you study?
So I went to Cal State Longbeach and I studied communication.
Interpersonal communication specifically.
Okay, pretty broad.
Yes.
And then where'd you get yourmaster's degree?

(08:17):
Also at Cal State Long Beach.
You can't leave, huh?
I couldn't leave.
It was like a freaking vortex.
Okay, okay, okay.
Here's another question.
I kind of already know theanswer, I think.
And where do you teach?
Cal State Long Beach.
I tried to freaking leave.
You didn't try hard enough.
Oh my gosh.
Your homebody.
Well, you know, this is what'scrazy is the biggest decision in

(08:40):
me staying there for mymaster's was a financial decision
like I couldn't afford to goout of state.
That was a big thing.
I couldn't fathom how becauseI had to.
I put myself through college.
I worked like three different jobs.
It was a nightmare.
It was a lot.
I don't know how I did it, tobe honest, but I figured, okay, if
I stay here, if I stay local,I could live in my parents house.

(09:02):
I could do this.
This was a very calculated decision.
I never planned on working there.
Wink, wink.
Sure you didn't.
We'll see.
We'll see.
Detective Doe's on the case,everybody, so relax.
We're going to get to this andwe're going to dig out all the juicy
details, okay?
So your parents didn't have aneducation fund for you.

(09:23):
And I do want to say this.
There's lots of problems withthe American education system, but
One shining star in it isstate schools.
They're actually really good.
They're affordable.
And let's talk a little bitabout that.
So if you were to go to, like,a UC school, the tuition would be
radically different, Right?
Versus a Cal State school.
Do you remember how much youpaid in tuition per semester there,

(09:46):
roughly?
I want to say.
This could be totally wrong.
I want to say like, 1800.
Okay, and what gear is it?
Sounds like nothing.
It's nothing.
I started at Cal State Longbeach in 2007.
I was a transfer student.
I went to a community college first.
Like a good person should getall your gen ed stuff out, right?
Exactly right.

(10:07):
And which community collegedid you go to?
Fullerton.
All right, 2007, 1800.
So here's a point ofreference, everybody.
Because you're like, well,what's the difference here?
I went to Art center in theearly 90s.
Tuition then was $3,400 when Istarted and wound up being, I think,
almost six grand by the time I finished.

(10:27):
This is a private art school,and you can see now quite the difference
there.
So adjusted for inflation andrising tuition costs, I don't know
what it was like in 2007, butI can tell you what it is now.
Let's do a comparison now togo to art school, because I know,
because I'm paying for a childto go to art school.
It is $25,000 a semester.

(10:48):
A semester.
A semester.
So do you know what thetuition is today to go to Cal State?
About 3,700 a semester.
Okay, everybody, that is, bymy math here, a seventh of the cost
to go to a private art school.
So there's a lot of problemsthat we have.
We live in a great place withgreat weather.
I'm looking outside.

(11:09):
It's beautiful.
It's sunshine.
And I think it's like 72degrees, maybe 73.
It's beautiful.
And it's like this for most ofthe year.
But $3,700 a semester is a bargain.
It is a steal, and I love that.
Okay, so certain things are working.
I want to give credit wherecredit is due.
But you said you had to workthree different jobs to put yourself
through school while living at home.

(11:29):
So you have no rent, you haveno food costs.
I assume you might have to payfor your car or something like that.
Or maybe your parents got youa car, a beater, something like that.
You're able to get to school.
What were you doing in your jobs?
I mean, it's like, I can't believe.
The tuition well, mind you,the freaking.
Like, don't mind me, mind.
Mind you, the minimum wage waslike what, like $8 maybe or something

(11:52):
like that.
I was paying for my own bills essentially.
So like my phone bill, I paid.
I did buy my own likegroceries in the house.
My car insurance textbookswere insane.
This is me rolling my eyes.
Go on, roll your eyes.
But I wasn't working.
It was, it was part time workultimately because I still needed
to go to school.
So it never felt and you know,like going out and having fun with

(12:15):
friends.
But I mean, it's chump changereally when you think about it.
Like it wasn't a lot, but itfelt like I was working so hard for
so little.
And what kind of jobs did you have?
I worked in retail.
I worked as a server.
Oh my God, I'll never do that.
I want specific.
I'm going to look up here.
He's going to.

(12:35):
I'm going to verify your workrecord here.
I actually worked at Lucille'sin Long beach on second street, but
it's not there anymore.
That's fine.
That's the retail place.
No, that was the barbecuerestaurant place.
That was a server there.
What about retail?
Oh my God.
It had quite a few different jobs.
It was this, I can't rememberthe name of it.
They sold like college likesweaters and shirts and stuff.

(12:58):
It was at the block, the campus.
Store or something like that.
It wasn't a campus store, itwas just like a regular store.
But it had all like nationwidedifferent college campuses and stuff.
It was at the block, which isnow the Outlets in Orange.
But yeah, I had a couple jobsthere, a surf shop I once worked
at, like random.

(13:19):
Random, whatever.
Somebody would hire you, I'myour girl.
You're gonna do it.
Yeah, right, done.
Cashier.
Okay, so you finished gettingyour degree and what compels you
to go get a master's degree?
You know what compelled me wasI figured one day I'm gonna wanna
retire and teach because I didlove school.
And I figured, you know,that'll be my backup plan.

(13:41):
So let's just get knock it outnow, it'll be easier.
Everything's fresh, let's do it.
So you roll right into themaster's program.
Right in.
Yeah.
No gap.
And is this now the same major?
Communication.
Yep.
Wow.
So you doubled down on that dog?
I did double down and youknow, it was really about time.
I was in a hurry.
I was like, how can I get outof here fastest?

(14:02):
Because again, I thought I waschasing a pot of gold.
What goals were you chasing?
Success, Chris.
Success, like through communications.
But you could.
Because I was going to go intopr, marketing, event planning.
I had known people that weredoing it and they were living this
cool life.
Why didn't you studyadvertising then?
Or.
Or marketing versus communication?
I was going to minor inmarketing, but it would have costed

(14:25):
me another semester.
And I was like, not in that important.
Can't afford another eighteenhundred dollars.
Like, no, thank you.
It was more about the time.
It was more about the timethan the money because I was pulling
out student loans at thattime, you know, And I was like, forget
it.
I was like, no time.
Let's put this in perspective, everybody.
And you're going to roll youreyes at me, and I'm okay, if you
do.

(14:45):
Everybody.
Eighteen hundred dollars islike my jacket shopping budget here.
So Melanie won't get her minor.
Excuse me.
You got a fat.
You got to rewind the cost ofliving back then.
You can't.
You got to.
It's not that long ago.
It's not like in the 70s.
All right?
So I'm like, damn, okay.
Like right now I'm like, Ican't wait for the jacket to go on

(15:07):
sale so I can buy it.
So you can buy it.
You're.
You're like, I'm not going toget a whole nother degree.
I was a poor little collegestudent and I was racing.
Honestly, it was the time.
That's what I was reallyracing against because I was like,
whatever.
These are going to be paymentsI make anyway.
Okay, well, let's explore that.
But it was time.
Yeah.
I was very impatient.
I need to say this because myson's in college right now and he's

(15:29):
going to Columbia and he'sstudying philosophy and writing and
he's just trying to finish school.
I'm like, you're supposed toenjoy this part.
This is going to be thefoundation for where you're going
to go.
What is the point?
To finish school.
To finish school.
Because as it has worked outwith your master's degree, with your
fancy master's degree, youcouldn't get a job for six to eight

(15:50):
months.
No.
You know what?
People would tell me I was overqualified.
Yeah.
That's a fancy way of sayingyou're really smart, but you have
no skills.
Just going to put that outthere, everybody.
And we're afraid that you'regoing to want more money than what
we can pay you to do this verylow thing.
That or you're going to leavetoo soon.
Yeah.
So there's a bunch of reasonswhy they could say that.
And so here's the funny thing.

(16:10):
Even with your master'sdegree, you wind up doing something
quite different.
Event planning and marketing,which isn't under, I think the communications
major is it.
It is technically, this is the thing.
Every Cal state likeumbrellas, communication differently.
For us we had three tracks, soit was either you could go pr, like
that route interpersonal or organizational.

(16:33):
And ultimately my advisor waslike, look, stick the track.
You already have these classes.
Stick with organizational,interpersonal, you can still go into
pr.
I'll hook you up with theseinternships, you'll be fine.
And so I was like, all right, done.
Yeah.
Because if I were advising a17 or 18 year old kid right now and
you want to get into marketingand event planning, I would just
say go get an internshipsomewhere and just work like a dog

(16:55):
and work your way up and learnthe trade.
You're going to go muchfaster, much farther than you would
if you were to spend six yearsor whatever.
You're going to get a degree and.
Mind you like the system is.
So it conditions kids toreally think, like it's a checklist,
like you already have theseclasses, so stay here, don't waste
your time, don't do this,don't do that.
And like your son is justtrying to, like you said, burned

(17:17):
through because he just wantsthe piece of paper.
So it's like I have the pieceof paper now.
I want to go do these things.
So eventually you wind upteaching back at the school, your
alma mater.
Right.
Okay, so you're a full timeprofessor now?
Yeah, now.
And what do you do on the side?
I teach mindful communicationto professionals, to high performing

(17:38):
professionals.
I basically get to teach whatI'm kind of teaching in the school.
They don't really permit me toget too much into the mindfulness
aspect.
There's a little bit of itbecause more research is.
An empirical research iscoming out.
But my hands are kind of tied.
I'm playing within their parameters.
But my wife, who's very muchbusiness oriented, was like, why

(17:58):
don't you start your ownconsulting business?
Like, screw the system.
They're not paying you well anyway.
Like screw the system.
So you have your school hoursand then you do mindfulness communication
coaching, consulting in theprivate sector, if you will.
Correct.
Okay.
In your workload, how doesthat balance out?
Like what percentage is inyour academic school life versus

(18:20):
in your private practice?
It's really tough, to behonest, you know, when I'm in session,
especially in the Beginning itwasn't as bad because business was
kind of slow, to be honest.
And I was figuring it out andit was.
I really made the shift to gohard on my business was right before
the pandemic.
And then the pandemic happenedand, and so all this shifting, right,
Learning content, and now I'ma content creator and now I have

(18:43):
to learn this and this.
So now that things are kind ofrolling, it's very difficult.
I have to be so on my timemanagement because my commitment
at the school, luckily is onlytwo days a week.
I physically go two days a week.
But as you know, withteaching, there's grading, there's

(19:05):
emails, there's handlingstudents, there's, there's all of
that.
And then I need to also, I'm asolopreneur, so I also have all these
things that I'm juggling.
And I find that in thebeginning I was throwing spaghetti
at the wall, figuring outlike, as far as my business, like,
I'm going to try this and I'mgoing to try that and I'm try that.
And I think that's the biggestmistake I was making is not deciding.

(19:25):
This is a phrase that I'velearned from people who are in sales
or like what's closest to the money.
Put your time and energy thereand then once you build a system
and you get in a pattern, itwill be a lot easier.
And so the workload is tough.
I go to school all day,Mondays and Wednesdays, and there
from 8 to 5, I come home, I doa little bit stuff for my business.

(19:48):
Then I have a wife and a dog Ihave to pay attention to to go handle
that.
And then Tuesdays andThursdays, I'm all in, in my office
working on my business.
And then Fridays is a daywhere I kind of create content, plan
content, plan, things like that.
And I don't really haveweekends, but I'm okay with that

(20:08):
because I'm doing somethingthat I truly love.
And I've realized I neverwould have called myself a creative.
But after being part of theFuture pro group and seeing how different
that word can mean to so manydifferent people, and it just really,
truly means to create.
I notice that when I'm notcreating, I feel like this angst

(20:30):
in my body, like it's.
Something needs to come out.
And so my, my Friday,Saturday, Sundays are the creating.
And often it's, it's writingor it's building a workshop or you
know, writing some script forsomething that I'm working on.
And it's Never.
I think in the beginning I wastrying to achieve this perfect balance.

(20:51):
And what I've had to surrenderto is that it's really about me being
able to prioritize what'simportant this week.
What's the percentage for each Roughly.
I'm not managing your timesheet.
It's okay.
No, honestly, it feels verylike, let's say this last week was
heavy on school.
Yeah.
You know what though?
But if you just zoomed out andlooked at the last couple of years,

(21:13):
you have an answer.
For people to understand whatit's like to run to work a full time
gig at a school and to run anindependent business.
What it's going to take.
It's gonna take everything.
Yeah, but percentage wise,here's your answer.
When I'm in session at school,when school's on, that's probably
taking more of my time.
Let's say 60, 40.

(21:33):
And then when I'm out, like inthe summer, oh my God.
I can put everything towardsmy business, which is amazing.
And then I have to plan for,okay, August is coming, semester's
coming.
What can I put on autopilot?
What needs my time and attention?
So the beautiful thing aboutteaching at a school that you get

(21:54):
summers off, so you have athree month break.
Ish.
And you have longer holidays,you have spring break and you have
long winter breaks.
Right.
Okay.
So there's pockets there.
I count down every time.
Yeah.
Well, that's really interesting.
Now we need to move to thething that we want to talk about,
which is this idea of mindful communication.

(22:15):
It seems like really lofty.
Like you try to put your hand around.
It's like a cloud of vapor.
And you're like, what the heckis that?
Now you have a lot in commonwith my wife.
That there's a deep sense of spirituality.
There's what I always tell people.
I'm really logical, so I getsecondhand woo.
And that's what's happening here.
But what does that even mean,mindful communication?

(22:37):
So it's relatively newer inthe communication space.
But if I was to just be verysimple and pragmatic about it.
Mindful communication.
Communication means yourability to communicate in the present
moment.
So you're operating from here.
Not some story in the past,not some story in the future.
So speaking from the presentmoment, without judgment and without
attachment, because that's really.

(22:57):
Mindfulness is the ability tobe present, observing your surroundings
without judgment and beingdetached from any specific outcome.
So bringing those threeprinciples into the way you communicate
and not just communicate withOthers, but communicate with yourself.
That's what mindfulcommunication is.

(23:17):
Who needs this?
Oh, God, everybody.
We all need it.
People suck at this.
Chris, you know how judgmentalwe are.
And you're looking at me right now.
I'm looking at you.
I am.
You know, if we're going to be.
Because we're.
You and I are very straight upwith each other.
So when I first met you onClubhouse, I don't know what this

(23:40):
is.
2020, 2021.
Your communication has changedsince that.
Until now, dramatically.
I've noticed it.
You were a little bit more.
What would you call yourself?
A charming razor blade.
You were a lot more.
I would listen because that'smy superpower.
I'm listening to people andhearing and breaking down their communication.

(24:04):
I've noticed that now youspeak with a lot more presence, meaning
here now.
And when people ask.
God, people ask you questionsall the time, and a lot of them are
the same questions, right?
You're very patient for themost part.
And I just find that.
I find that you're a lot morecompassionate now as a teacher.

(24:26):
Am I wrong?
Have you been doing some workin the past couple years that we
don't know about?
I don't think so.
I haven't done any work.
I mean, I work a lot, but Ihaven't done the kind of work you're
tired.
Stop it.
Stop.
Okay.
When did you start going to therapy?
When did you start going totherapy, Chris?
We're about to put some piecestogether, y'all.
Let's do it.
I didn't know.

(24:46):
The tables have turned.
The tables have turned.
Oh, my God.
Deep breaths.
All right, Go ahead, ask your question.
Okay.
When did you start going to therapy?
Long before that.
Yes.
Okay.
So what do you think haschanged the most with you in the
past three, four years?
Your leadership style?

(25:08):
I don't know.
I don't think much haschanged, to be honest.
I think there's some otherphenomenon that's going on right
now.
Ooh, please do tell.
Yeah.
So for the record, I think Isaw my therapist, a family therapist,
for total of 10 sessions inthe span of less than a year.
And I didn't have any moreproblems with her.

(25:30):
She was just so good atsolving problems, and I was.
I'm a very good student.
So when I hear the lesson, I'm done.
Let's go.
What's the next one?
And so I ran out of things totalk to her about, which is one of
my big regrets in life,because she's since retired.
She was older when I met herand so of course, I try to reach
out to her.
And she's long gone.
Right.
Not from the earth, but justnot doing this anymore.
From this.
Yeah, from her occupation, andI would.

(25:52):
Say that was probably 2007, 2006.
It was a long time ago.
And then I've been coach freefor a long time.
My mentor, my coach, mybusiness coach, Kieran McLaren and
I stopped working togetherright around the time of the Future.
So that's 2014, I think wekind of just stopped working together.

(26:15):
So from that point forward to 2020.
So it's been six, seven,eight, 10 years since I've talked
to a therapist.
And I think the phenomenonthat's going on here is I'm put this
back on you.
This is how I go like this.
I just turn the tables.
Okay, okay.
I'm into it.
I'm into it.
Let's dance.
Is initially when somebodycomes upon a piece of content or
drops into one of my rooms,it's like a shock, like in terms

(26:39):
of cold water or electricityand they're not used to this.
Who's this Asian man who'slike super direct, brusque, and just
really, just incisive in thecomments that I'm making.
Really thrifty with my words,but just trying to find the problem
really quickly.
And people will take it asarrogant, as aggressive, as violent

(26:59):
communication until they getpast the first couple layers.
Once they get beyond that,they're like, oh, there's a warm,
compassionate human beingthere who genuinely cares about people,
who's doing this for what Ibelieve is to be the right reasons
and not the wrong reasons.
Because you keep thinkingthere's a funnel coming, there's
a enroll in this webinar andblah, blah, blah.
And it just doesn't come inthe way they think because it's so

(27:22):
different.
And I think it's yourfamiliarity with me that has changed
how you remember it.
That would be my theory.
Fair.
Fair theory, totally.
And yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Familiarity, right.
There's layers to people.
I think that's what Iappreciated about you the most, is
you're very direct and authentic.
You're like, I'm not going toblow smoke just to blow smoke.

(27:45):
Like, you asked for help.
I'm going to give you my advice.
Right.
And I really appreciate thatabout you.
And I think that's what a lotof people appreciate about you.
I just.
And again, this totally be myown delusion.
But just over the years, beingin the future pro group, it just
seems like You've been so muchmore, like sharing more or just more

(28:05):
authentic, or more.
Not more authentic because youwere authentic before, but I think
revealing more, maybe morevulnerability more.
We can talk about that.
Yeah.
What you're seeing is, Ithink, where a lot of us come from,
which is I'm showing up to teach.
Nobody wants to know aboutanything about me.
I'm not here to tell you allabout my personal life because you
don't care.
That's the story I tell myself.

(28:27):
You were talking about yourthoughts or the story that you tell
yourself, and then they governyour feelings and your actions and
all kind of stuff.
I just think nobody needs tohear this.
But if you watch some of theearliest videos, when I used to have
students from Otis or Artcenter come by my studio and we would
film those sessions, theywould ask me, like, how'd you get
started?
What did you struggle with?
And I would tell them, it'sjust those videos don't go viral

(28:49):
and nobody's going into the archive.
So people would say, oh,you've never shared this before.
I'm like, actually, I havevideo proof that I have.
And the story's been there.
It's just no one wants to know it.
The interesting thing is, Ithink when students come to your
studio, they know you as a professor.
They know your body of work.
So of course they're going toask for more personal things, because
for them, that would bepotentially some kind of unlock or

(29:10):
insight into the thinking thatmade this person, that made this
work.
So that's what they're looking for.
But if you're just bumpinginto our content as the social feed,
the algorithm sends yousomething that may not be your first
question.
And so it takes them time to,like, want to know that.
And this is what I preach topeople when you're making content,

(29:31):
initially, unless you'rereally about healing from trauma
and dealing with youremotional wounds, the mother wound,
all that kind of stuff, youmay not just want to lead with that.
You need to show up for peoplebefore they show up for you.
Show me you care so I can careabout you.
And I do care a lot about people.
My entire thesis for thefuture is to help people achieve

(29:53):
their dreams.
Because I think the world is amuch better place when each of one
of us is working in our zoneof genius, fulfilling our highest
desires and passions and doingpurposeful, meaningful work.
And if we can do that, I thinkthere's going to be less violence
in every definition of that word.
And that's what I'm reallyhere for.
So that's what I'm putting out there.
So as more people get to knowyou through your work, they become

(30:16):
naturally more curious aboutwho is this person.
And I don't think you've everencountered me.
This is a bold statement whereyou've asked me a deeply personal
question and I've shied awayfrom it.
No, you usually answer.
Have I ever not answered?
No.
Yeah.
And that's the thing.
I even tell people maybe my questions.
Need to get more deep.
No, I'm just kidding.
They can.
And I encourage people to.

(30:37):
You do?
I've seen you tell people,like, ask.
Me anything, whatever you wantto know.
If you're brave enough to askit, I will do my best to answer it.
And I think only on oneoccasion, somebody asked me a question
which I wasn't comfortable answering.
And the reason wasn't so muchthat I didn't want to answer.
It was because they're fishingfor gossip.
And then I'm like, sinceyou're not involved in this story,

(30:59):
I don't feel compelled to tellyou this, and I just don't know how
it's going to help anybodyright now.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Don't get me wrong.
I like gossip as much as thenext person, but you gotta be in
it.
You gotta be in there with it.
You gotta be involved.
You gotta be part of it.
If you weren't there, itdoesn't feel right for me to talk
about.
I love that.
And I think what's so coolabout being in the future pro group

(31:20):
and being in this space thatyou facilitate in is seeing.
And this is just.
Maybe this might just be a mething, but I think humans are so
fascinating and that we allthink we're so different.
We think like, oh, but my.
My problem's different in mybusiness, Chris.
Like, my.
You know, mine's different.
And you're always.
I like the different voicesthat you have there.

(31:42):
Thank you.
I'm like, I like the side of you.
Keep going.
And I've just continuouslywatched you and your.
I'm going to compare it towhat I do.
I'm like, God, I've seenpeople from all these different fields
and all these different agesand different backgrounds asking
the same question, and it'sthe same freaking answer.
It's the same thing, but.

(32:04):
And I'm like, so this is so interesting.
Do we all just want to feellike we're special or unique or are
they trying to maybe connectwith you in a certain, you know,
different way?
They're desiring a differentconnection with you.
And so what it got me thinkingof when I.
So I've had a lot of differentjobs, and there was one job I had
in public health where I was atobacco cessation counselor.

(32:28):
I'd help people quit smoking,and I would go into rehab, homes,
jails, detention facilities,like all sorts of places I've met.
I've worked in really nice places.
Like, I've worked with alldifferent types of people, but working
in that specific sector wherepeople are really looking at these
folks who have beenincarcerated or drug addicts very

(32:50):
negatively.
But when I would sit there andlisten to them, I'm like, man, we
all have the same problems.
We all feel like we're notgood enough.
We're scared to be rejected.
We have fear of abandonment.
We're scared to be vulnerable.
And I'm like, it's wild.

(33:10):
So I've just noticed that,like, when we went to the fishing
trip, you know, in Canada, andseeing you engage with all different
types of people, like evenpeople outside of our group, when
people would approach you onthe street, and it was like, we're
all the same.
We're all the same.
And I think that if we canreally, there's an unlock that happens

(33:31):
when you.
I guess, I don't know, maybethat requires us minimizing our ego
to see that we're much moresimilar than we are different.
But I really feel like itopens us up in ways where we can
be pursuing our passions, wecan be creating things that we thought
we only could dream of, and we just.
There's a lot of healing, Ithink that needs to take place, and

(33:52):
a lot of ego check that needsto take place first.
Yeah, there is this thing thatwe all think we're so unique and
different, that our business,our family story, our birth order
may makes it so complicated.
There's a tendency to want tocreate something that was, I think,
to make something that's verysimple and clear, unclear.

(34:14):
And it's that kind offogginess of the mind that we don't
have to be accountable for awhole lot.
And I'm.
I'm a person about radicalaccountability to take responsibility
for things.
When we make a decision to goon a trip or not go on a trip, it's
very uncomfortable because wekeep thinking about the other decision
that we didn't make theopportunity to cost.
If I do this, what am I sayingno to?

(34:34):
And in that state, it allowsus or gives us the opportunity to
say, well, it's not clear whatI should do so I'll do nothing or
I'll just move very slowlythrough life.
And I think that's thechallenge there.
And you're absolutely right.
I'm 100% in alignment with you here.
A business problem is abusiness problem.
I don't care if you bake cakesor you walk dogs, you still have

(34:55):
the same problems.
Marketing, sales, customerservice, delivery of product and
making sure everyone has abeautiful customer experience.
And it doesn't really matter,just done at different scales, speak
to different audiences indifferent language and tools.
But the core principles arethe same.
This is why I can answerquestions that I'm not prepared to

(35:16):
answer.
Because you see patterns.
It's the same problem over andover again.
Yes.
And people keep insisting, no,you need to hear my whole story.
And there is something to that.
Right.
If we're in a social circleand we're out by the campfire and
there's 10 of us, I do want toknow your story.
I want to know how you gothere, not here in this moment, but
how you got here.

(35:37):
Because then I reallyunderstand and appreciate you on
a different level.
But when it comes to coachingor learning or doing something, I
will listen to that.
You just have to pay for it.
But at the end of the day, theanswer will be exactly the same.
So I'm being a firstgeneration immigrant.
I'm not even born here.
I'm thrifty.
That's a nice way to say I'mcheap, meaning I don't want to spend

(36:00):
money on things that aren'tnecessary because I'd rather use
that money to do something else.
So if I don't have to tell youall the background and the context
and you can just give me theanswer and I can change my life.
That's what I want.
That's why I only saw Joan for10 times, because it was that good.
I'm like, I don't know whatelse to do.
Well, and I think what you'respeaking to, though, requires a lot

(36:20):
of self awareness.
Right.
And I think a lot of usstruggle with that self awareness
and being able to objectivelylook at your behavior, look at, examine.
Did being a middle child, isit first immigrant?
How is all of those events andlayers of life and variables in life
impacting me right now?
And am I carrying stuff maybethat I shouldn't be carrying anymore?

(36:43):
And I'm making it part of mystory still.
Right.
And so I think you have areally, you probably went into your
therapy experience very selfaware and willing and open and like
task Oriented like, let's do this.
Not everybody does.
Yeah, I see that becausepeople are in therapy for years,
if not decades.

(37:04):
And I was thinking, are youmaking progress the kind that you
want?
And I understand that ifyou've gone through really traumatic
things in your life, that itcan take a really long time to undo
that damage.
I understand that.
I often tell people if it took18 years for you to develop this,
this problem or this fear,hopefully it doesn't take you 18

(37:24):
years to undo it.
But it will take time.
Not 18 minutes.
Let's be realistic with our expectations.
But something that Kir toldme, my business coach, when I was
thinking about going to atherapist, he said, if you're not
willing to be honest, don't go.
Just save your money.
It's silly.
You're just gonna make themwork through all this and they already
know you're lying or you'renot telling the full truth and you
just will drag it out.

(37:44):
So I'm like, yeah, I'm goingof my own free will.
No one's forcing me to do it.
There isn't a gigantic problemI need to resolve immediately.
But I just want to go to learnhow to be a better.
At that point, dad, I feltlike I was failing my relationship
with my children and I wantedto be better fathers.
So that's why I went, so thatnow, now I know what, what age this

(38:06):
is.
Because this is like 14 years ago.
No, maybe more.
Maybe it's like 17 years ago.
Because it's been some time.
Right.
Cause I can date it to likewhen my children, what year, how
old they were.
Yeah.
And you know, I think that's commendable.
And like, again, that takesself awareness to be like, hey, I'm
feeling this particular wayabout how I'm interacting with my

(38:26):
children right now, with thestatus of our relationship, how can
I change it?
And I think that's reallyvulnerable to admit that to yourself.
And thank God your friend toldyou, like, don't waste your time.
Don't go unless you're goingto be super open because there's
no progress that's going to be made.
And I think that if morepeople, especially those that are

(38:46):
really ambitious and probablylistening to your podcast, that have
big hopes and big dreams thatthey're going after, it requires
a level of vulnerability andself awareness to be able to get
there.
And you know, they say thatyou end up like, I'm gonna probably
screw up this phrase, but youend up teaching who you were, or
your target audience ends upbeing like, who you were, something

(39:08):
like that, where it's like,you know, your process and what you
went through.
Therefore, you can help otherpeople through it.
This took me years, and maybeit's a little cheesy, but I wanted
to help people, right?
And I was like, I love thecoaching, but, like, what am I coaching
them on?
And it took me a long time tofigure out, like, what do you say?
The one line marketing, youknow, deal, like your little pitch,

(39:29):
your little elevator pitch.
And it's because I still wasfiguring out my own process, my own
experience.
But then eventually I came upwith this acronym.
And I really think that it's a human.
It's part of the humanexperience overall.
And if we can walk ourselvesthrough this, anyone listening to
this can do the workthemselves, right?

(39:49):
They don't need to hiresomeone like me.
I think it's helpful to havesome type of professional outside
of yourself to guide you, sometype of mentor.
But the first, I think, stepis identifying a pattern that you're
in, whatever that is, right?
So P.
So the acronym is peace.
So P.
I say patterns, what are they?
Are you dating the same typeof person?
Are you coming up against thesame obstacle in your business?

(40:12):
What are the patterns in your life?
And then the next layer, whichis really tough for people, is ego
deconstruction.
So let's look at your ego.
What are you attached to inyour identity?
And like, some people arereally attached to their, you know,
label as a CEO or a founder,or like, I'm the best at this, or
in my family, I have all the answers.

(40:33):
So, like, what are the layersof your ego that you're attached
to?
And then the A.
I think once you identifypatterns and you become really aware
of how your ego operates inyour life, we can have awareness
of your core wound.
So I think after those twothings, deep awareness comes in,
which is the A.
And it's not just awareness ingeneral, because you're developing

(40:54):
awareness with the patterns inthe ego, but the awareness of your
core wound.
And for anyone who's neverheard of a core wound, it's a term
used in psychology.
There's different.
People say sometimes there'sfive, eight core wounds.
There's like seven I reallyfocus on.
But some of them are like, abandonment.
Core wound, not being goodenough is a big one.

(41:15):
Fear of rejection, fear ofvulnerability, fear of being misunderstood.
Like all of those, when youcan identify which one or two.
Because normally when Iintroduce them people, they're like,
oh, my God, I have all of them.
And I'M sure on some level wedo, but there's typically one or
two that are super up on the list.
Like for me, unworthiness wasa big one and fear of vulnerability

(41:35):
was a big one.
And when we know how thatshows up because that's often connected
some crap in childhood that happened.
Someone said something to youand you're holding on to it.
That one bully said this oryour mom said that and you're holding
onto it and you're just showing.
It's showing up in your adult life.
Right.
When we have that awareness oflike, oh my God, right now I'm feeling

(41:58):
triggered because I'm scaredthat my partner is going to leave
me or my best friend is notgoing to.
Whatever.
Fill in the blank.
Right.
Once we have those woundsidentified, you then can move into
the compassion piece, which iswhere the healing takes place.
That's the c.
The compassion.

(42:18):
And compassion is for yourselfand the inner child.
That is still activated in the adult.
And also for the people,quote, unquote, that hurt you, that
caused those wounds.
Right.
Because when we look at itfrom a different, compassionate lens,
you see that if they werereally mean to you and bullied you,
they probably suffered sometype of trauma of their own.

(42:38):
Right.
So we end up learning thatmost people are doing the best they
can with what they know.
And then I feel like once yougo through all of those steps, you
get your power back.
So the E is for empowerment.
You can now live thisempowered existence because you're
not giving your power away toeverybody else.
And I think that's like thebiggest pattern I've noticed in my

(43:01):
own journey.
Once I identified my journeyand I started sharing it with people,
because at first it felt kindof silly.
I felt a little self consciousabout it.
I was like, you know what?
It works for me.
I'm going to share it.
And if people don't like it,they don't have to like it.
But so many people are like,oh my God, now I have.
I can kind of see the chaptersthat I'm in or where I'm at in my
journey?
So it's been pretty cool toshare that with people and help them

(43:22):
realize, where am I at in that?
Do I even know what patternsI'm in?
Do I know how my ego shows up?
And it's been really cool togive language, I guess, to those
different phases.
You mentioned a handful ofcore wounds.
I wrote down 5.
Which ones am I missing?
Abandonment, rejection,vulnerability, misunderstood, unworthiness.

(43:44):
What else am I missing?
Grief.
So, like unprocessed grief isdefinitely one, and it doesn't have
to just be.
A lot of people hear the wordgrief and they think it means, like,
the loss of a loved one.
It could be an opportunity youdidn't take, and you're like, damn,
I should have taken that jobwith Chris.
And I didn't.
Did we say betrayal?
No.
Maybe those are the last two.

(44:04):
Okay, those are good.
It's time for a quick break,but we'll be right back.
Enjoying the conversationyou're listening to right now.
You're going to love what wehave for you inside the Future Pro
membership.
From live group calls withmyself and vetted guest Experts to

(44:27):
over 600 hours of proexclusive trainings and monthly networking,
you'll have everything youneed to fast track your growth.
Check it out@future.com Pro.
And Rebecc, welcome back toour conversation.
What is your core wound?

(44:47):
So my two biggest ones werefear of vulnerability and unworthiness.
Those are my biggest ones.
And a little bit of betrayal,I would say, would be the third,
but.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Let's go there.
Let's go there.
I ain't afraid to go there.
Really?
No, I'm not at all.

(45:08):
Okay, well, I'm listening to this.
I'm like, I don't have fear ofabandonment, rejection.
I'm not afraid of beingvulnerable or misunderstood or.
I feel very worthy.
So every once in a while, Ihave a feeling I should have done
this instead of that, but thenI get over it real quick, and I have
had.
I've been betrayed myself,too, but I'm also over that.
So I'm.

(45:28):
I'm like, where's my core one?
So you're perfect.
No, I'm just kidding.
No, no, no, I'm kidding.
You're totally kidding.
You said peace.
What is perfect?
Like, you're.
Can we have an acronym for perfect?
No.
But you know what, Chris?
You're a product of doingthis, the work.
That's why you're like, thesethings are not easily activated in
you because you've done the work.
And so why I share the corewound is that a lot of people haven't

(45:50):
done the work.
And so those buttons are still activated.
Okay.
And you had said something,that I shared something, and you
said that was vulnerable or to.
For you to admit that I needhelp, I don't feel like it's vulnerable
at all.
So when I see, like, thestress that's being caused by not
knowing how to parent my ownchildren and feeling frustrated and.

(46:12):
And I can see it spilling overinto my relationship with my wife.
Like, it's creating tensionbetween us, and it's not even about
us.
It's about our child and howto deal with the child.
So I'm like, I need help right now.
I'm a forever student.
I've mastered some things, butthere are masters who are beyond
me.
And every time I run into acorner or dead end or hit stumbling
block, I know a formula thatworks really well.

(46:35):
I'm going to share it with ourpeople here.
Guys, take out a piece ofpaper, get ready for this, this.
This gem I'm about to drop.
When you realize you have aproblem, seek out the highest authority
that's within your grasp andjust pay them whatever they need
to get paid so that you couldlearn from them.
I've just done thisconsistently through my life, and
it's worked time and time again.

(46:56):
If you had asked me, Chris, Inoticed your teaching style is a
little different.
I would say, well, because thelast two years, I've spent a good
deal of money to hire teachingconsultants to teach me how to be
a better teacher.
And I'm learning different tools.
And it's because it's myaspiration to be the best teacher
I can be.
And there's so much more to learn.
And so that's what I've been doing.
But it hasn't necessarilychanged my care for somebody or the

(47:20):
sharpness of the blade.
It's just I want to try tostructure the teaching in a different
way.
So anybody who's really goodat teaching, who knows how to do
it, well, I want to learn from you.
Yes.
So you see, you have beendoing something.
Yeah, but it's not what youthink it is.
That's.
But it was still something,and we're always doing something.
Which is why what I love about.
You, I want to grow and learnevery single day.

(47:41):
I want to push myselfphysically, mentally, spiritually,
all those kinds of things.
I want to go way out of mycomfort zone so I can find out what
the edges of my world are.
And I think that's the beautyof life.
And I want to be able to sharethat experience with a lot of other
people, you included, of course.
You know, Chris, I thinkyou're able to ask for help because
I don't think your ego runsyour life.
I think that's a big distinction.

(48:01):
I think a lot of people,unconsciously, they don't know, but
maybe after listening to this,they'll know.
Their ego, their need to drivethat car, live that house, have that
title, is Driving the car.
And therefore, if I ask forhelp, what are they going to say
about me?
Because da, da, da, da, da.
That's ego.
Sounds like you were like, Ineed help, yo.

(48:23):
Like, let's.
I know it's important in life,my kids.
I even broadcast it.
I'm like, I'm not even hiding this.
You know?
That's what I'm saying.
So you're.
You have a very healthy ego.
Because the ego isn't bad.
That's the one thing Idefinitely want to say is a lot of
people, the ego gets a bad rep.
Like, ego is the reason I didmy hair this morning.
Then I wanted to look nice.
You know, Ego is the reasonthat we have financial goals.

(48:45):
Like ego.
You know what I mean?
Like the jacket you want to get.
That's ego.
So it's okay.
It keeps us.
It's just.
It can't drive the car, but itcan be in the car.
It just can't drive.
So I think that's why you'reso able to ask for help.
What are practical ways thatI, a person, can identify egos driving
this?
What are certain telltalesigns that you've seen in working

(49:08):
with people?
Some of the biggest signs are judgment.
So are you judging yourself?
Are you judging others?
And so whenever I say that,people are like, oh, so I'm never
supposed to.
Da, da, da, da.
Okay, if that's you, chill.
Okay.
There's a difference betweenjudgment and discernment.
Judgment is me evaluating you.
There's often some type of ranking.

(49:29):
I think I'm better.
I think my way is right.
You are wrong.
Right?
That's judgment.
Discernment is me looking atthe situation and being like, is
this gonna be in my best interest?
Okay, you know what?
Chris is deciding this, this,and this.
Maybe this other leader isdoing it this way.
You know, my values are morein line with Chris.

(49:51):
So I'm not saying, oh, thisperson's a bad teacher.
They're da, da, da.
I'm.
Chris is way better.
That's ego.
But for me to be like, youknow what?
I think this is in morealignment with me and would serve
me better.
I wish that other person,well, they can do their thing, but
Chris is a better choice.
So I'm gonna go this waybecause we're in more alignment.
That's discernment.
There's this cheesy example Ioften give because this is a really

(50:12):
hard notion for people to grasp.
Because judgment is so deeplyembedded in our brains for survival,
we are constantly judging tosay, is this Safe?
Is this not safe?
Am I going to be okay?
Our brains are wired for that,but we also have the ability to observe
and to consciousness andnotice our thoughts.
So imagine I was the captainof a ship and a storm was coming,

(50:35):
and I'm like, all right.
Oh, my God.
And I panic.
I'm like, everybody get inside.
We're going to do this, andwe're going to do that.
You do that.
Da, da, da.
And you're like, no, wait.
What if we can actuallywithstand the storm?
Like, Chris, no.
This is what we're doing.
The end.
Okay?
That's me being judgment,freaking out.
Ego is like, no, no, no, no, no.
Because this is going to lookbadly on me.
Discernment would be, you knowwhat, okay, how bad is the storm?

(51:00):
You tell me.
This is how bad it is, okay?
And then I look at this other person.
What supplies, tools do wehave currently?
Who's aboard on the ship right now?
I'm going to sit with them andthink about it and be like, okay,
this is, I think, the courseof action we should take.
So discernment is like this reflection.
So judgment is the first thingwith the ego.
You can look.
If you're in judgment, you'rein ego.

(51:20):
Another thing is ourattachment to things like identities.
That's a big one.
And it's so weird.
I feel like the humanexperience is this really interesting
experience where we getattached because we know we are going
to die one day.
So we get attached to things.
Nothing's forever, nothing'spermanent, so we get attached.

(51:41):
But then also, that veryattachment causes so much pain and
suffering.
You know, I think about when Iwas an athlete for so long, my whole
life played college for alittle bit.
And then when that no longerwas my identity, I had a really hard
time because I was so attachedto, like, I'm an athlete.
I'm this, I'm that.

(52:02):
And I was like, now who am Iat, like, an identity crisis because
of my attachment to that?
That was ego.
Okay, I want to talk aboutsome of these things.
There's some juicy tidbitshere, strings I want to pull on,
if you will.
Let's talk about attachment,because I think attachment is the
thing that prevents a lot ofpeople from the exponential growth
that they're capable of.

(52:22):
So we have friends, and Ithink I can say their names.
I was having a conversationwith Mo.
This is before Mo and I reallyget to know each other really well.
And he's had at one of thefuture meetups in Santa Monica.
And I told him like, hey, Mo,I just noticed something about you.
You show up in a T shirt, kindof like, not really well put together.
And you have to realize thatwhen people see you looking like

(52:43):
this, they're going to makeassumptions about maybe you're not
that thoughtful in the waythat you show up in the world, that
you're not showing people therespect for the situation.
And he was really put off by that.
He goes, chris, I got to be me.
This ain't me, and I don'twant to do that.
And this is how it's going to be.
And we started to examine andpick that apart.
And I told him, let me ask youthis question.
If you go to an Asian person'shouse, will you take off your shoes?

(53:06):
He goes, of course I would.
I said, and if you go to abusiness meeting with Japanese business
people, would you wear a suit?
He goes, yes, I would.
So when is that not part ofyour identity, and when is it?
And why would you take offyour shoes?
He goes, it's a sign of respect.
I said, okay, so when youdress the way that you want, you're
saying, I'm going todisrespect the way that you want

(53:28):
things because it's fightingagainst your identity.
And so he so attaches hisidentity of whatever clothes he's
wearing that he's not willingto change to make that concession.
The difference between him andDrigo at that one moment was Drigo's
like, I hear you.
So Drigo started dressingdifferently immediately.
He didn't sit there tocalculate all the different reasons

(53:49):
why or why not.
He just heard something.
He's going to try it and seewhere it takes him.
And he's been on thatcontinuous experiment.
Good news for both gentlemen.
Both Mo and Drigo, who you'veseen on the channel, they're both
moving into the next echelonof how they show up in.
In the world.
And I'm really happy for bothof them.
That's one simple example.
Another example is I have afriend who's very emotional.

(54:09):
And I said, you know, emotionscloud judgment because that mental
state that you're in willcolor whatever you're seeing in a
very specific light.
And I said that emotions aregood when you're expressing things
of love, admiration, orwhatever it is that you're.
You're like, when you connectwith a real human, let all those
emotions go.

(54:29):
But when you're looking atlife, oftentimes the emotional goggles
that you look through skew ordistort reality.
But this person argue with me.
Who am I without my emotions?
I'm an emotional person.
I'm going to live in this.
And they, they're reactingemotionally to the comment about
maybe wanting to get thatdistance away from that.

(54:50):
What I understand from you interms of discernment is our ability
to float above our emotionsand to observe those things, to be
able to decide when and whereit is most to our benefit to respond
or react that way.
Yes, a thousand percent, because.
Or else the emotions drivingthat person, like you said, you're
in being reactive instead ofjust being like, how do I want to

(55:14):
respond to this situation?
And I'll share this withpeople because some people are going
to feel really angry right nowlistening to me, like, who the heck
are these two people talkingabout this thing?
I'm going to have my emotionsand that's the way it's going to
be.
And that's totally okay.
I'm going to ask you thisquestion, all of you.
Does your state of mind, yourstate affect how you see things,
how you respond to things?

(55:35):
I just want you to sit withthat question.
Does your state of mind affecthow you see things and how you respond
to things?
Let's go through it.
Let's say you're late for anappointment, the interview, for the
job of your dreams.
So now you're in a panicked,anxious state.
How you drive, how you grab things.
And I've always noticed this.
Whenever I'm anxious, I makecareless mistakes.

(55:59):
I'm like, oh, I didn't grabthe right shoe.
I run back and I, oh, I forgot this.
And I'm not in a clear stateof mind.
Let's put another thing.
If you've been the victim orthe recipient of an act of betrayal
for someone that you love andhave a great relationship with, if
they've betrayed you, you maybe in a suspicious or jealous state
of mind.
So that person who's wrongedyou or you've been wronged in the

(56:21):
past, maybe not, not even that person.
Every time they have aninteraction with someone else, you're
like, oh, this must mean that.
And we know this.
We've.
We've done it.
I've done it.
I've been a jealous person before.
And I've also been on theother end of people looking at me
with jealous eyes.
And I'm like, just relax.
There's nothing here.
There's no smoke, there's no fire.

(56:42):
It's the most platonicbusiness relationship there ever
is.
So I just want you to sit withthat everybody that your state, your
mental State your thoughtsgovern how you see things.
And if.
If you look through the worldthrough those lens, you're going
to have a distorted version of reality.
And I'm just trying to seethings for what they are, not what
I want them to be.

(57:02):
And you know what?
You said it beautifully.
Chris and I were in agreement,and there's a.
I'm losing her name right now.
But there's a person whostudies emotions, and she was saying
that essentially emotions arereally just records of the past.
And our brains are.
When I see.
Let's say you and I are acouple and I see you talking to this
other woman, and I'm like, andshe's really attractive and she's

(57:24):
really pretty, and I'm just,like, starting to feel jealousy.
And maybe I've been cheated onin the past.
You've never done that.
But I've been cheated on inthe past.
This feels.
This feeling is bringing me back.
It's taking me in a time machine.
And so our brains are justtrying to assess, oh, this looks
familiar.
What's the most familiar example?
I have this one where I gotcheated on, and now I'm projecting

(57:47):
that into my future.
So there's this.
One of my coaches once toldme, because I used to be guilty of
this, being very emotional andbeing very reactive.
And she told me, you cannotcontinue to build from the past or
else you will just get more of it.
She's like, you need to learnhow to build from here now or in

(58:07):
the future, where everythingis possible.
What kind of relationship doyou want with Chris?
Do you want one where you'reall jealous and you guys don't trust
each other and.
Da, da.
No.
But again, our brains, that'show they work.
And I think that's why it's soimportant to become an observer and
notice.
Okay, I'm feeling a littlejealous right now.
Why?
And go into that and discernand reflect.

(58:28):
Instead of me getting allupset at my partner and projecting
the mess onto them and making them.
You should have done this, youshould have done that.
So, yeah, emotions, totally.
They can't drive the car.
Well, I did a little research here.
The quote comes from Dr.
Joe Dispenza.
Emotions are a record of thepast most commonly attributed to

(58:50):
Dr.
Joe Dispenza.
We often use this phrase toexplain how our current emotions
can be heavily influenced bypast experiences and memories, essentially
acting as a kind of record ofour past life.
He goes on to say somethinglike this, that because emotions
are a record of our pastexperiences, if you can't think greater
than how you feel.
This thinking, feeling loopkeeps you anchored to your past and

(59:11):
creates a constant state of being.
I love this idea.
I didn't know about this, butthis is.
It just explains a lot.
So let's.
Let's sit in this.
Okay, everybody.
So when you're behaving in away in which you're responding to
a previous trauma or slight orwhatever it is, you've had to deal
with a grievance, you'resaying, well, you must not love me,

(59:34):
you must not care about me,and you're betraying me.
When in fact, if you just lookat objectively what has happened,
it's not a very strong casefor the grand conclusion that you
have.
But some part of this mirrorsa little bit of what you've had happen
to you in the past.
And you're just reliving thatmemory, which is really tough because
then you can't have realconnections with people because you're

(59:56):
not really being present.
You're not being here to the moment.
You're responding to some oldstory, old narrative, an old wound
that hasn't fully been reconciled.
And that's a tough place to be in.
And so now when you say, whoneeds this?
And you say, everybody, I'mlike, yeah, pretty much.
Pretty much everybody I know.
Pretty much.

(01:00:17):
I say, like, we're reallycrappy time travelers.
Like, we only imagine having atime travel machine, but you only.
You don't get to control it.
And it takes you back to allthe crappy experiences you didn't
like, like, no, thank you.
I don't want that machine.
But that's how we've trainedour minds, a lot of us, and we willingly
let our minds take us to the past.
I will share a very practicalway of how I had to change my state.

(01:00:37):
And when I really first didthis to tell people this stuff works.
In college, in grad school, Iwent through a very traumatic breakup.
Like, I thought me and thisperson were going to get married.
I thought this was like, thewhat, homie breaks up with me in
an email, dodges my calls,Dodges my, like, everything.
All of a sudden, just imagineeverything's cool, and then one day

(01:01:00):
it's not.
And I was like, what the heck happened?
This was right before mycomprehensive exams, which is like,
what you need to get out ofgrad school.
Okay.
The timing could not be worse.
Yeah.
I had never in my lifeexperienced depression.
I, up until that point thoughtdepression was like, all in your

(01:01:22):
head, quote unquote.
Because I was Very, like,driven and achievement based.
And you just power throughmind over matter, right?
This is the first time in mylife where I was could not get out
of bed.
Never experienced that before, ever.
And I've had some crazy thingshappen in my life.
That was the first time.
And I remember for weeks I wasnot really eating.

(01:01:43):
I lost like 15 pounds.
And I'm already kind of a tiny person.
Lost 15 pounds.
I couldn't get out of bed.
And every morning I wouldrepeat the same thoughts of, oh,
my God, she left.
What did I do wrong?
She won't pick up my calls.
What's the point?
I'm going to fill my exams.
Like, just literally this loopI was in.

(01:02:05):
I wouldn't eat, I wouldn'ttalk to anybody.
It was in just the same tapefor weeks.
And then I don't even know howthis happened, but maybe I picked
up a book in my room or something.
Oh, I think it was EckhartTolle, the Power of now book.
I reopened.
And he basically said, like,if we can change the thought we're

(01:02:27):
having in the morning whenyour subconscious is so open in the
morning, and also before we goto bed, let's just see what happens.
So I finally just got curious.
I was like, okay, I can't livemy life like this.
And am I really going to letthis one person destroy my whole
academic career?
I need to pass these exams, right?
At the very least, I need toget my butt up and study.
And so I started this practice of.

(01:02:48):
Instead of replaying all ofthe trauma of how the breakup went
through, every morning I woulddo that.
I would, like, wake up and belike, wait, is this real?
Did that happen?
Because it felt like a dream.
So what I started doing wasbefore I even opened my eyes, because,
you know, you're awake, I mademyself say three things I was grateful
for.
I forced myself.
I was like, what are yougrateful for?

(01:03:10):
Some days it was just like,I'm alive, I have a nice bed to sleep
in, and I have a job.
Yay.
That was it.
But then as I kept doing it,and I would do it before bed, and
I would journal it before bed.
Three things.
Three things.
And I mean, there's so muchresearch now on gratitude and how
powerful it is in changing our state.

(01:03:30):
It's one of the most powerfulemotions to anchor you into the present
moment.
The most powerful isgratitude, because you can't be anywhere
else when you're trying sayingwhat you're grateful for.
You have to be here.
And so that little practicechanged my State changed my thoughts,
changed how my body was feeling.
I started being able toactually eat food and then slowly

(01:03:54):
started making differentdecisions because my emotional state
was different.
And so that was one of theplaces where I was like, oh, this
actually works.
And that's why I just wantedto share that with people, because
it works.
It's real.
But you got it.
You just gotta try it, and yougotta just.
You gotta do it.
And I think people aren'twilling to try it sometimes until

(01:04:16):
they're really on their kneesand they've hit rock bottom.
Like I was sometimes you need that.
I think a lot of us, this isone of my theories of life.
So let's see if we are inalignment here.
I think we have to hit rockbottom sometimes to force us to make
different decisions with our lives.
That sometimes people don'tget off smoking or drinking or drug

(01:04:39):
abuse because they haven't hitthat rock bottom.
And when they finally hit thatrock bottom, they have to come to
terms with, I think there'sonly one more bottom to this, which
is I no longer exist.
And I want to make different decisions.
And so you go the other way.
There's nothing controversialabout what I'm saying there.
What I'm saying is what peopledo is they experience some kind of

(01:05:00):
setback.
Mental relationship, physical,spiritual, something.
They have a setback, and whatthey do is they get fuzzy about it
and they avoid the feeling of,like, how bad it feels.
And so they kind of gloss over it.
So they're bound to repeatthis over and over again.
When I have a negative emotionor a feeling about myself of not

(01:05:20):
being worthy or letting my egodrive, I just stop and think.
I want to sit in that pain, inthat negative motion.
And in fact, I want to amplifythat to its nth degree.
So I create, like, a minicatastrophe in my mind.
But it's guided, right?
It's not, like, out of control.
So I take myself to, like,what is the next step, next step?

(01:05:42):
And next step, what is thebottom of this pit?
Because I want to go therenow, and I want to sit in that emptiness
so then I can zoom back up towhere I'm really at emotionally and
say, I know where this, howthis ends.
Why don't I just make thedecision now instead of having to
go to the bottom to make that decision?
And that's how my mind operates.
Exactly.

(01:06:02):
And that's.
I think what we need to do is.
Because what you did was youjust put things into perspective
for yourself.
Is it really worth it?
Is this really the hill I wantto die on.
Is this the motion worth mytime, my energy?
And is this going to producethe outcome I actually want?
No, it's not.
And I'm not saying to, like,bypass your feelings and don't ever

(01:06:24):
be angry or people are like,so are you saying it's not okay to
feel the negative things?
No, absolutely.
Feel it.
Like you just said, play itup, feel it, do it.
What's that gonna give you?
And then let it simmer down.
There's research that showsreally our emotions are fleeting.
They only last seconds.
But what makes it last longeris the story we attach to it.

(01:06:45):
That's why people end up beingangry for days.
Or couples fight oversomething for days and then they
finally resolve it three days later.
Yeah, I think there's thisthing that reminds us that we're
alive and that we're human inthat we want to relive that emotion
over and over again.
My wife has said this to me.

(01:07:05):
I just want you to be angryfor a minute because I want to see
that behind the robot, there'sa human in there that cares about
this kind of stuff.
I say I care about thisdeeply, and when I go negative, and
when you see it, it will bethe most horrifying thing that you
see and you not want that at all.
But if you want to, I will letthe dragon out.
And I'm totally in control ofthe dragon.
But here we go.

(01:07:26):
And of course, I show it toher, and she then has tears of joy.
I'm like, this is thestrangest response I've ever seen.
Me being unreasonable,irrational, emotional, angry is what
you wanted to see because youjust wanted to know if I care.
But I care a lot.
I just choose not to expressit in negative ways.
And so I think for people,it's my theory there that that story

(01:07:49):
of abandonment, it's not agood story.
It's not one that lifts us up.
It's definitely not one thatempowers us, but just reminds us
we're human.
So we relive it over and over again.
And I find this with mychildren, too.
So we used to sit around andtell stories about my childhood.
And it was pretty rough, notgonna lie, pretty rough.

(01:08:12):
Stories of abandonment, peopleforgetting about me and just feeling,
like, lost and alone.
And my sons, both are like,oh, dad, what a childhood.
Tell us more.
We love this.
They're like eating popcorn inmy misery.
They don't need tv.
They have you.
Yeah, I'm just telling them,like, they're like, oh, my God.
How could grandma do this to you?
Why would she do that?

(01:08:32):
I'm like, grandma did the bestthat she could with the information
she had, and she just.
Just didn't know.
She didn't know.
Now I get to have fun tellingthose stories, but there wasn't fun
when I was living it.
But I find that my childrendon't want to hear stories about
success and overcoming triumph.
They want to hear the dark,sad stories.

(01:08:53):
And I think it's because theyfeel it in here and it reminds them
that they're alive and dad's ahuman being.
It's not a robot.
Yes.
I.
I mean, I'm like, your kids.
Like, I love sad movies, like dramas.
What is wrong with you guys?
Oh, it's just it.
But it speaks to what you're saying.
Like, I want to watch.
My wife loves comedy and stufflike that, and she's like, why do

(01:09:15):
you want to watch a sad movie?
Like, are you kidding me?
This person's gonna.
Like, this is.
Why are we watching this?
You know, it doesn't end well,but I think there's just something
like you're speaking to that'slike, wow, they survived that, or,
wow, they didn't, and howlucky am I?
So, yeah, I think you're onto something.
There's a friend that we wenton a trip with recently.

(01:09:36):
I don't want to reveal toomuch information because then people
will figure out who it is.
This person's an intellectual,extremely well read, can quote different
things.
I'm like, oh, my God, thebrain on this person.
They just read books for fun.
Like, they're eating potato chips.
And we were just having aconversation without the person in
the room.
It's just saying, yeah, Idon't think this person knows how
to lie.

(01:09:56):
And we're all looking at eachother, and I said that.
I'm like, it just doesn't feellike they could lie because it doesn't
make any sense.
And then we joke because theperson's so robotic, it would be
inefficient to tell a lie.
It's like, what is the pointof telling lies?
You know, it's kind of likehow they operate.
So we kind of think like that,you know, robotic people, people
who are very intellectual orare optimized for positive outcomes.

(01:10:18):
What is the point of nottelling the truth?
It's just.
It's hilarious.
So for me, it's like, yeah,I'm kind of like a robot deliberately.
And so the.
The shock and surprise to alot of people is when they Meet me
outside of context of ateaching environment.
They're like, oh my God, yousmile a lot and you're a lot more
charming than I thought.
You're a weird mother effer.

(01:10:40):
You know, you're joking aroundand you do goofy, weird things that
only adolescents do.
I'm like, yeah, because I'm human.
And in the context of teachingor workshopping or doing a serious
role play, where do I bringthat out, you know?
Yeah, it doesn't fit.
It doesn't fit.
It doesn't fit.
Why would I bring it out?
It's just like.
Would be a non sequitur.
It would just be like leftfield bro contacts, that kind of

(01:11:03):
stuff.
But, you know, if you're outon a fishing trip with me in a boat,
gonna get fun, and you'repulling your fish, you know, I'm
like, okay, now bonk the fishin the head.
This is the next step.
And like, no, not like that.
You'll see emotion from me.
Because in the context of theboat, that makes perfect sense.
Yeah, because I think whenyou're teaching, you're really tunnel

(01:11:25):
visioned in and you're tryingto give this person as much value
as possible for what they'retrying to learn or where they're
at.
Right.
And so you kind of remove allthe other stuff to make room for
that.
It makes sense.
Yeah.
Unless it's necessary.
Yeah.
Which I do do as well.
But there's not often timeswhen that's.
Appropriate or is there clonesof Chris.
And there's teacher Chris andthen there's other Chris.

(01:11:49):
Other Chris.
Well, you know, I used toteach at Art center and it's a 14
week class for about 8 to 12students at a time.
And we'd sit in this reallybig room.
It's a perfect room becauseall the walls are whiteboards and
I could draw on every single wall.
And they kind of sit in the center.
And oftentimes we put up ourwork, we critique.

(01:12:10):
And in that moment, I'm like,you guys are a little uptight here.
Why did you draw this thing?
I would draw somethinginappropriate around there.
Like that's what it looks liketo me.
And then everybody's like, ohmy God, did the teacher just do that?
I'm like, yeah, because that'skind of what you presented to us
right now.
I'm just saying whateverybody's thinking but is too afraid
to say.
And I will do really weird,goofy things with them so that they

(01:12:31):
can break out of this tightcontainer that they put themselves
in.
And then there it's veryappropriate for me to get weird and
wacky.
Absolutely.
If anything, you're enhancingtheir learning environment because
they're relaxing.
That's what I tell myself at night.
You are.
You are.
We're both delusional.
You have to process throughyears of trauma therapy.

(01:12:51):
You know, it's like, oh, myGod, I can't believe the teacher
said that about my work.
No, it really.
It disarms people.
And I think that's one of thethings that, you know, when I.
I do the same things, Chris.
Like, I mean, come on.
I'm going to high to not high school.
I'm sorry.
College students, 18, 19 years old.
I'm like, let's talk about.
Let's talk about trust.
Let's talk about betrayal in relationships.

(01:13:13):
And they're all posturing foreach other.
So, yeah, like, I gotta bring some.
Something silly.
Something good.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
You have to show them that youcan be this way.
Exactly.
Like, it's okay to be yourself.
It's okay to show up imperfectly.
It's okay to say the wrong thing.
It's okay.
So I think that's just kind ofwhat you're doing in those moments.
And you're not a robot, butyou're picking and choosing.

(01:13:33):
When is it efficient andappropriate to have those versions
come out?
Did you already tell us yourbetrayal story?
I don't know if we.
I mean, there's.
There's.
There's a few, but one.
Wow.
Wow, that was a serious wound.
Okay, let's look at the threethings you said about your core wound.

(01:13:53):
Vulnerability, unworthiness,and betrayal.
So which one of those thingsdo you think would be helpful for
people to understand and unpack?
And.
And we'll use you as anexample here.
I feel like vulnerability is apretty universal one that a lot of
people struggle with.
You know, for me, I did notrealize this, but one.
I grew up in a household wherewe didn't talk about feelings.

(01:14:15):
So vulnerability was not a thing.
We did not do that.
It was like you had to kind offight to be heard.
And as the middle child, I hadto fight to be seen.
Middle childish.
I had to fight to be seen.
And so while it's happening tous, when the core wound is happening,
you don't know what's happening.
Right.
And now it's only in reflection.

(01:14:37):
When you look back, you'relike, oh, yeah, I was fighting to
be seen.
But I really think where Istarted to struggle with vulnerability,
it started there in myhousehold, where we didn't express
Feelings openly.
You had to be tough when therewas conflict.
We didn't talk about it.
You just assumed everybody wassorry and would behave normally the
next day.
But I think for me inparticular, and this is for anybody

(01:15:00):
who feels other.
But being a queer person inthe 90s and early 2000s, I felt like
I was performing all the time.
And vulnerability is really usbeing authentic, us being our true
selves.
I didn't feel like it couldever be my true self because I was
so scared of being rejected.

(01:15:21):
And that's what vulnerability is.
We're hiding who we are,pieces of who we are to be accepted
by the group.
And so I did that forever, allthrough my teenage years, then into
my early twenties.
And I was.
And I grew up in Orangecounty, which is rather conservative.
And so I did not realize theposturing that became so normal in

(01:15:44):
the switching.
Like, you know, how we codeswitch with our words.
I'd code switch in other waysto blend in, you know, and I'd be
like, okay, well, how can Ibehave to be accepted in the group?
And it's not just with mysexual orientation, but other ways.
Like being an athlete, you hadto be tough.
If I was hurt, I sucked it up.
Coach didn't accept that itwas the playoffs.

(01:16:05):
You better, you know, suck it up.
And unless something isbroken, like, keep going, right?
So there's all these ways thatwe posture to be accepted as human
beings.
And I feel like this is whyIt's a core wound that's so vital.
But the fear of vulnerability,I think, really stems from not being
accepted, you know, in societyand being othered.

(01:16:26):
And there's so many other things.
You people could talk aboutrace, you could talk about a disability
that you have.
I mean, there's so many other things.
And I think that was thehardest part.
Just growing up and alwayshaving to hide some piece of me was
the biggest wound for me.
And then to get in this workwhere I'm like, let's talk.

(01:16:47):
I have to be my authentic self.
Like, I remember the firsttime I was teaching, I was like 23
years old teaching at theuniversity, and I was like, do I
come out to my students?
Do I just wait for the topicto happen?
Am I closeting myself if I do that?
Am I not being authentic?

(01:17:08):
It was a really weird thing tothink about.
And this again, can besubstituted for things that we share
and don't share.
You know, there's so manythings that we don't share, then
disclose with people.
And then when there's momentsthere's those, like, sliding door
moments of, this is anopportunity where I could share something
with Chris, but I'm scaredhe's not going to accept me if I

(01:17:28):
share this.
So there was always this bigfear of not.
But really what it comes downto for everybody is if we don't accept
those parts of us, of coursewe're going to fear that other people
won't.
But the moment I startedreally accepting all of my differences
and being like, and if I sharesomething with this person and they

(01:17:49):
reject me, guess what?
They're not for me.
And then I was okay withreleasing them.
So it was a big lesson.
But I think the vulnerabilitypiece is when you can learn to be
really comfortable with whoyou are.
Are.
Nothing really can stop youbecause you're not going to fear
anything, really.
You're breaking somestereotypes, I believe.

(01:18:10):
Even though your dad iswhiteish, it seems like this is a
very non Latin family.
If I think of Latin families,it's like emotions and talking about
this, and it's all there.
Like, put aside the machismothing, because guys tend to hold
back feelings for judgment orfear of judgment of being not manly
enough.
And I get that.
But you guys would just, like,sweep feelings under the rug.

(01:18:33):
Even your mom.
Like, there'd be a big fight.
Oh, yeah.
And this is the thing, kind ofweird thing of how I grew up.
My parents were together, butit felt like they were divorced because
my mom worked graveyard and mydad worked like, eight to five.
So there was always only oneparent home.
It was really interesting togrow up like that, except on the
weekend, they'd both be home,but there would be these blowout

(01:18:55):
fights.
Me and my siblings, the threeof us, one parent, trying to manage
all that craziness.
Right.
We would fight.
There'd be emotion.
There's definitely that.
Who's fighting?
Siblings.
My.
My sister and my dad.
Me and my.
My brother, my dumb crap thatfamilies fight about.
Like, tell me one thing.
I don't.
I don't know.
I.
I haven't been in many ofthose fights.

(01:19:16):
So what are you guys fighting about?
Like, I remember my sister wasin high school, and she'd fight to
stay out later.
Okay.
Curfew things.
Yeah.
And then I would be like, mybrother and I are four years apart.
So if I'm like eight yearsold, he's four, I don't want anything
to do with him.
And I'm trying to play him.
I'm like, get out of here.
And we physically fight.
Right.
And my dad is just like, youguys are all getting on my last nerve,

(01:19:36):
all of you.
Right?
And then, like, other things.
I remember other more seriousthings, like fighting over money.
Like, there's not enough money.
There's a lot of scarcity inmy house.
And so.
Well, who's fighting over it?
My parents or me saying, like, you.
Shouldn'T spend money on this.
No, Like, I.
I played sports a lot, soguess what sports cost money.
And my dad.
I remember my.
My dad, bless him, He's.

(01:19:58):
He's working on it.
Still would be like, oh, myGod, this is so expensive.
Like, the jer.
You know, the jersey.
And I'm a kid, and I'm like,okay, but you put me in this sport.
Right?
Right.
What do you want me to do?
What do you want me.
You get a job at 4.
Okay.
Yeah.
And so I just remember there'sall this projecting of emotion, but

(01:20:19):
we never actually apologizedor talked about, hey, that wasn't
right.
I shouldn't have done that.
It was just like, he'd buy me something.
Be like, here you go.
Like, that was his way ofsaying sorry.
The peace offering.
Yes, There you go.
Okay, I get it.
So in many immigrant cultures,feelings are a sign of weakness.
Predominantly for men,sometimes for women, as we're finding

(01:20:42):
out.
And this idea of you hidingwho you are.
When did you come out to your parents?
Not till I was, like, 19 or 20.
Is this, like, in college?
Yeah, I was already in college.
Probably my.
Oh, you know, because Istarted college early.
I started at 17.
It was probably, like, mythird year of college.

(01:21:03):
And what made you decide tocome out to them and how did they
respond?
It was so another traumatic breakup.
Not as traumatic as the one Itold you, but a bad breakup.
And it would just be kind of weird.
Like, all of a sudden, thisperson was around.
Now they're just not around.
You guys just aren't.
Like a friend now disappearsout of your life.

(01:21:23):
Exactly.
So it's kind of, like, weird,like, where so and so.
And I would lie, and then Iwas giving me a lot of anxiety to
just lie.
And I was out with everybodyelse except my family.
I was live.
Literally living a double life.
And I remember.
I'll never forget.
Kudos to my mom.
My mom was, like, in thekitchen, and I just, like, had to

(01:21:46):
pump myself up.
And she already knew.
Parents know, like, whenyou're about to bring something,
they suspect, they suspect.
They just don't want to havethat conversation, but they suspect.
They're like, shit, some.
Some bomb's about to be dropped.
We know.
We know it's coming.
And it is like denial.
So I came and I just said,hey, mom, me.
And so.
And so broke up.
And then I just started crying.
And I never cried in front ofmy parents ever.

(01:22:10):
It was like all this pent uptears, right?
Came out.
And my mom is such a g.
She just took a breath and shewas like, well, you know what, honey?
She's an effing idiot.
And I was like, yes, mom.
She did a classic mom thingand she just like, let the other
part slip right by.
It's like, yeah.

(01:22:30):
And then with my dad, we neverhad a conversation about it because,
I don't know, I'm assuming mymom told him something, but he never
approached me about it.
He never said anything.
But my dad's always been supersupportive and very liberal and very
open.
So I never suspected that,like, he would abandon me.
But there's always that fear.
Even me.
My parents loved me.
I had a very loving family.

(01:22:52):
But you still wonder, is thisthe thing that's the exception?
Okay, so I see two of thesecore wounds attached.
Your fear of vulnerability, ofrevealing who you are, is connected
to your fear of abandonment.
Because if I show up asmyself, does that mean I'm no longer
in your life and you'll neveraccept me again?
You're a pro.
See?
Hey, I could do this.

(01:23:15):
Yes, exactly.
I want to land the plane on this.
Your mindfulness communicationskills coach.
How are you going to help meto transform?
What is the outcome of workingwith you?
Who do I become?
What do you get from workingwith me?
You know, I would say that thebiggest thing I do for people is

(01:23:37):
I really help them becausewe're removing old beliefs and we're
removing emotional patterns.
These things are invisible, right?
So I help people remove that.
And typically what happens,the transformation that people report
is after we remove that, theyfeel more one, empowered, confident,

(01:23:58):
and just really back to theirauthentic selves.
Like, they're like, I don'tfeel like I'm playing a part anymore.
That I'm not doing things toappease people.
Playing a role.
I'm not playing the role anymore.
Now I get to just kind of like breathe.
And so I would say thetransformation, I mean, is cheesy
as it sounds, is they're ableto communicate authentically and

(01:24:19):
really just be who they wantto be without all the pressures of
what's.
What's my mom going to think?
What's my brother going to think?
What's it.
They get plugged back intothemselves without all the Junk that
they've collected along the way.
So cheesy.
So cheesy.
So cheesy.
It's always easy.
I'm just kidding.
I don't know why you alwayssay that.

(01:24:40):
It's not like giddy is cheesy.
I'm sure.
I don't know.
Well, don't say that.
But you framed it as cheesy.
Now I'm thinking cheese.
Okay, no cheese.
So I think, if I may useslightly different words to describe
the benefit of working withsomeone like you is have you ever
felt like you've been carryingaround this invisible weight all
of your life?
The weight of being somebodythat you're not supposed to be and
hiding in plain sight.

(01:25:01):
So I imagine that then all ofa sudden, you can become unburdened.
And you didn't realize thiswhole time that your posture is weird
and you've never stood upfully straight, erect.
And now, free from thatburden, unencumbered by it, you're
lighter.
In every essence of the word,you're lighter.
And you're more able toexpress who you are, to be more present

(01:25:23):
in the moment and to havestronger relationships with the people
that you care.
And this could be your staff.
It could be your manager, yourboss, your partner in life, or the
people that you show up for tocoach and to teach and to facilitate
or whatever it is that you do.
Is that an okay way to say it?
That's perfect.
That's actually my elevatorpitch you helped me create years

(01:25:45):
ago when I said I teach peopleto mindfully communicate and manage
their emotions so they canhave deeper connections with themselves
and others.
On that note, that's a perfectway to end this conversation.
Melanie, I know we've donethis dance for a while, and I'm glad
that we're having thisconversation now.
Perhaps the way that theuniverse works to get a little woo.
I wasn't ready to have thisconversation with you until this

(01:26:06):
very moment in time.
So we're exactly where we needto be at the moment in which we're
supposed to be in it.
I genuinely thank you forhaving this conversation, and I want
to take you up on your offersometime to hang out with my wife,
because she needs a kindredspirit, a gentle communicator, someone
who understands this stuff,but also to woo the F out.
And that would be wonderful.
So let's set up that playdate, if you will.

(01:26:27):
Amen.
Before we get out of here, Iwant to ask you, if people want to
get in touch with you, wheredo they go?
They can go tomindlesstomindful.com or they can
find me on socialsmelaniewitney and I would love to
connect with them there.
Beautiful.
My name is Melanie Whitney andyou are listening to the Future.

(01:26:53):
Thanks for joining us.
If you haven't already,subscribe to our show on your favorite
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week.
The Future Podcast is hostedby Chris do and produced and edited
by Rich Cardona Media.
Thank you to Adam Sanborn forour intro music.
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(01:27:15):
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330 - Break Free from Emotional Patterns - With Melanie Whitney

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}330 - Break Free from Emotional Patterns - With Melanie Whitney