January 16, 2023 • 24 mins
Lots of us hit the gym in January to get fit - but should we also be exercising our minds in preparation for tough times? A daily "self-talk workout" might be just as beneficial as squats and push-ups, says Seattle University psychology professor Rachel Turow.
By practicing simple self-compassion exercises each day - such as breathing techniques - we can prepare for future challenges when we'll need those tools to help us tackle crippling self-criticism or paralyzing sorrow.
Further reading: The Self Talk Workout by Rachel Turow
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Speaker 1 (00:15):
Pushkin surveys show that this year's top New Year's resolution,
the thing that more than fifty percent of folks who
made January resolutions have committed to getting more of in
twenty twenty three is exercise, which, from the perspective of
(00:36):
a happiness professor like me, should be a good thing,
because there's lots and lots of scientific evidence that working
out regularly can significantly improve our self reported happiness. But
the research shows that our bodies aren't the only things
that could use a good workout this year. In fact,
our guest today argues that we might want to swap
at least some of those New Year's bench presses and
leg curls for a different kind of training, one that
(00:58):
focuses on toughening something that we often forget can have
a big effect on our stress levels, our performance, and
our happiness. We'll see today that if we really want
to feel better in twenty twenty three, we probably need
to devote at least a few of our workouts to
improving our inner self talk. So get ready to sweat
out your inner critic and strengthen those self compassion muscles,
(01:20):
because the happiness lab is about to hit the Gym
for our first ever New Year, New Yu Self Talk Workout.
Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to
be happy. But what if our minds are wrong? What
if our minds are lying to us, leading us away
from what we'll really make us happy. The good news
is that understanding the science of the mind can point
(01:42):
us all back in the right direction. You're listening to
the Happiness Lab with doctor Laurie Santos. A lot of
people live in that space of putting themselves down all
the time, and it's a pretty powerful habit. So it's
one we've built up over years and decades, and it
(02:04):
can seem a little bit daunting to change it. This
is psychologist and Seattle Universe City professor Rachel Ture. But
if you've ever tried a new workout, you know that
the first few times are kind of weird sometimes sometimes
a little bit uncomfortable. But after you do it, the
more and more you do it, it becomes more natural,
and the same is true for how you treat yourself.
(02:25):
Rachel is the author of a recent book called The
Self Talk Workout. Six science back to strategies to dissolve
self criticism and transform the voice in your head. As
you might guess from the title, Rachel thinks we should
all be doing training drills not just for our biceps
in our thighs, but also to tone up those harsh
voices inside our heads, so that instead of being mean
(02:47):
to ourselves, we're more encouraging, more supportive, and kinder. The
idea is to build up these resources, these capacities, so
that they are ready to go when you need them,
and so that you're stronger in general. But before jumping
head first into our new inner voice workout plan, I
wanted Rachel to start by explaining a bit more about
what she means by self talk and how we sometimes
(03:08):
get a little nast with our inner voices. I consider
self talk to be the way that you relate to
yourself in your mind. It could be with words. Some
people really talk to themselves in words like Okay, I
should do this, why did you do that? I should
really be better at this. But it might not be
in words. It might be just as a sort of
or sometimes it's hard to catch. But a lot of
(03:29):
folks know that, Okay, I'm not treating myself that nicely.
I feel a lot of times that I should be
different I should be better, I'm not enough, I'm not
doing enough, I'm not good enough, And those are the
sort of tapes that get repeated for most of us.
Negative self talk is something that's so common, like, so
many of us do it all the time. Why if
it's so bad for us, why are we doing it
(03:51):
all the time. And one of the things you talked
about is the idea of a negativity bias. So what's
the negativity bias and how does it contribute to this
kind of mistaken idea we have about our own self talk.
So the negativity bias is the brain's tendency to pay
more attention to the stuff that isn't going well. And
you can imagine how that might be evolutionarily advantageous because
(04:13):
it helps you survive if you notice the threats around
you and in your environment. The problem is kind of
too good at it. We also live in a pretty
competitive culture where most of us are conditioned to evaluate
how good we are, how good we look, how much
we've done, and even to pit that against other people
we see and how beautiful they are and how much
(04:34):
they have accomplished. And that's kind of a drag to
be in that culture. Another reason you've talked about why
we're so bad at this is just it becomes a habit, right,
It's just like a thing that we're used to doing,
you know, talk about why just doing this a lot,
talking to ourselves in ways that aren't very positive a
lot can just become a self perpetuating cycle. Right. It's
(04:55):
amazing what brains do. I mean, brains learn from experience,
and that's usually a really great thing. We're glad to
have these brains that learn. But once brains learn, it's
a little bit harder to unlearn. Just like you know,
you probably put on your pants the same leg at
a time, and that's fine, but other habits are really challenging.
And you know, self criticism, I'm kind of thinking of
(05:16):
it these days, is the smoking of mental health that
it's not so much okay, how did you start smoking?
Who gave you your first cigarette? Of course those things
are bad, But like smoking, self criticism, once it gets going,
it sort of takes on a life of its own.
Once the pathways are established, they are vulnerable to this
automatic activation. So we're very efficient. We automatically go to
(05:40):
these mental places that we're used to going to. There's
sort of like our mental homes. I think a final
reason that a lot of us are so self critical,
I mean, I know this is definitely true for me,
is that we kind of have the sense that it works.
We kind of have this theory that if we just
scream it ourselves and really belittle ourselves, then that will
actually get us motivated to change. Is this the correct intuition?
(06:02):
Is the kind of thing you see a lot Well,
I completely agree with you that people believe. That people
think that their self criticism keeps sharp and motivated and accountable,
and that maybe without it we would just sit on
the couch all day and eat bond bonds. We wouldn't
do anything. And the research shows that self criticism is
strongly associated with depression, stress, and anxiety. So even if
(06:24):
it did motivate us, I don't think it would be
worth it. But it's actually not associated with motivation. So
people are more motivated to improve themselves if they practice
self compassion, that is, being kind and encouraging towards yourself.
And you can kind of see how that works. You know,
say you're writing a cover letter to apply to a
new job. If you're meeting yourself up the whole time,
you've got to get this written. This is bad. You've
(06:45):
got to do a better letter. You could see yourself
kind of wanting to step away from your computer and
go to something else. But if you relate to yourself
in a kind and supportive way and say, you know,
I know this isn't the most fun thing, but you
can do it. You've written other cover letters before, No problem,
let's do another sentence. Great. You can see how that
could be a more positive way of relating to yourself.
(07:05):
So it's not so much that you know you'll lose
motivation or that you're giving yourself permission to never do anything.
You're trying to be a good friend to yourself, a
friend who wants you to succeed, who wants you to
take action aligned with your goals. If Rachel's idea of
talking to yourself like a good friend sounds appealing, then
you're in luck, because when we get back from the break,
(07:26):
we'll hear about how we can work towards more of
this kind positive self talk in the new year. We'll
learn about the exact training we need to strengthen our
inner voices, and some practical workouts and exercises we can
use to relate to ourselves in a healthier way. The
happiness lab will be right back. So I grew up
(07:51):
in the eighties and I would hear the song Whitney
us Houston singing the Greatest Love of All, The greatest
Love of All is happening to me, and it was
about loving yourself, and I thought that sounded fantastic, and
I was completely confused. Psychologist and author Rachel Tureau His
Devil an entire series of workouts that all of us
can use to strengthen our inner voices. But Rachel wasn't
(08:15):
always an expert in compassionate self talk. I mean, I
thought it was great for Whitney. She could love herself.
She seemed really happy. I had no idea how to
get there. I did not feel great about myself. I
knew I wasn't one of the popular kids. I was
picked last for sports, and I felt awkward and lonely
and weird. And how was I going to get to
loving myself just by wanting to love myself? But through
(08:38):
her training as a clinical psychologist, Rachel was able to
find a series of exercises she could use to start
relating to herself with a little more kindness. And for
me that corresponded with my own kind of forays into
mindfulness and compassion practice. Sitting down for several minutes a day,
my mind would wander away. I would be distracted, and
I would get upset at myself for being distracted, and
(08:58):
I would try not to get upset at myself for
being distracted. And I would try that over and over
and over and over and over. And you're training your
brain to judge less by doing the reps. You can
only do it by doing the reps. You get distracted,
and you're going to try not to judge yourself, and
that is your mind trying something new. That is a rep,
and you know, great, it's great that you were distracted
(09:20):
a hundred times. That's one hundred reps of trying not
to judge yourself. And gradually I felt less upset at
myself for being distracted, and then that generalized into judging
myself less in general. But even though Rachel saw the
benefits of mindfulness practices firsthand, she's also quick to admit
that diving into meditation can be tough for beginners. So
if your harsh inner voice hasn't hit the gym in
(09:40):
a while, she recommends starting off your self talk workouts
a bit more simply. I sort of organized the book
from easiest to hardest. I wanted people to kind of
warm up before they got into the heavier workouts, So
I start with just one breath, So one breath of
repeating something kind to yourself as you're breathing inhale my friend,
(10:02):
exhale my friend, for example. We do know that changing
your breathing on purpose can sometimes reduced stress, and we
have pretty good physiological evidence that that's the case. It
also sort of takes your attention to your physical body
away from that endless cycle of rumination in your mind.
My students tend to like this one because it's pretty portable.
(10:25):
You know, it's one breath, so it seems doable, and
you can modify it. You don't have to call yourself
your friend, or you could use a different language, but
even just the phrase inhale my friend, exhale my friend,
you can't really beat yourself up in the same second
that you're calling yourself your friend, so it can serve
to just kind of pause or interrupt what's happening, and
(10:47):
sometimes that pause is really helpful. And practicing it again
during times of kind of just regular times, not when
you're totally stressed out, can make that resource more available.
So then if you are, you know, a lot of
traffic or something difficult happens, it's right there. You're kind
of used to it. Okay, Okay, inhale my friend, exhale
my friend. Okay, what do I need to do next?
(11:08):
And I think this is one of the most powerful
aspects of this workout metaphor that we've been thinking about
for self talk, Right, It's like, if you're doing these
reps regularly when you really need it, they're there for you.
You know, like if you're practicing on the treadmill once
a week, you know, if you really have to sprint
out of traffic or get somewhere quickly because you're running
late for your flight, now all of a sudden, it
becomes easier. And I know this is something that you
(11:30):
mentioned specifically with this inhale my friend practice when it
comes to kind of dealing with stressful moments with your
own kids, talk a little bit about like when you've
used it in more stressful times yourself. Oh my gosh,
just I mean so often My kids now are three, six,
and nine. So you can imagine at breakfast, everybody wants
there like four different things in the same moment. So
(11:52):
in between fetching this and that, I just like to say,
inhale my friend, exhale my friend. It's also kind of
fun to do in a really difficult moment, you know,
of somebody's screaming or crying. Just you know, you don't
want to take half an hour. You need to respond
to what's happening. But often one breath is available, So
(12:12):
that's the kind of inhale my friend breathing technique. Another
technique that you've talked about is what I love, which
is known as the spot the success technique. Tell me
a little bit about this one. You know, we have
this culture of accomplishment. I think it can really be
coming from a good place, but I think that the
trap that we fall into is feeling so bad that
we're not far enough along, that we haven't done as
(12:33):
much as we would like, and then that sort of
self critical attitude about it can drag us down. So
to counteract that emphasis on what we haven't done, how
we're not doing enough, there's a practice that I like
called spot the success, where instead you notice ten things
no matter how small that you have done that have
(12:55):
contributed in a good way to yourself, to somebody else,
or to the world. And you're not evaluating, you're just acknowledging. Okay,
I got out of bed, great, And maybe you took
a vitamin or a medication, maybe you emailed somebody or texted.
These actions are super easy to dismiss because they're not
the grand accomplishments that we hope for. But if we
(13:16):
can get in the habit of acknowledging these small things,
it shifts our perspective so that we're not ruminating on
everything we haven't done, but instead engaging and kind of
marinating and not feeling for a second of what we
have done. One of the things I loved when you
talked about the spot this success technique is you mentioned
that your students have a kind of strong reaction to
this one. So when my students practice spot the success,
(13:38):
their first urge is to dismiss it. Well, those are
just regular things, you know. They discount the behaviors. Of
course I got out of that. Of course I showered,
you know, I had to do that. But I think
that we run the risk when we take all of
our positive behaviors for granted that they don't matter to us.
Maybe we don't build them upon them because we're not
paying attention to them, and we kind of feel bad
(14:00):
about ourselves because we only see ourselves as not doing
what we needed to do. It was hard to come
up with ten things, and sometimes it five and I're like, okay,
push yourself, I know there's more. You know, did you
get dressed? Okay? So it's really it's a workout for
your brain. Your brain might struggle against it, but with time,
(14:21):
you're training your mind to pay attention to a different
subset of experiences. So far, we've heard about a few
effective beginner self talk exercises. We've learned how to use
the power of our breath to hit pause on our
inner rumination cycles so we can speak to ourselves like
a friend. We've also seen that we can get our
self talk back on course by spotting our small successes.
(14:44):
But when we get back from the break, Rachel's going
to up our self talk workouts a bit. She'll share
a few of the more advanced forms of training that
she practices with our students and clients. So get ready
to take our self talk workouts to the next level
when the happiness lad returns in a moment. Paying attention
(15:08):
to your breath and spotting small successes can be a
great way to begin strength training your inner voice. But
if you really want to take your self talk to
the next level, you need to deal with one of
the biggest hurdles to treating yourself kindly judgment. You know,
the inner monologue that tells you that this situation sucks
and you're not doing good enough, and why do you
keep screwing up anyway. Rachel thinks that achieving a healthier
(15:31):
inner voice and being kind to yourself requires finding practices
to soften these kinds of judgments, and one of her
favorite workouts for doing that involves getting a little curious.
How can curiosity help us with judgment? Well, curiosity gives
us another kind of mental habits, something different to chew on, right,
we're just kind of used to chewing on the judgment.
(15:52):
I like this, I don't like that, but yeah, what
if you notice something curiously? And one fun way to
do this I think for students, especially who are struggling
to pay attention in class, I like an exercise of
noticing ten things in the room that you're in right
now that you haven't noticed before. I mean, you're probably
in a room that you've been in many times. But
(16:13):
you know, if I look at my ceiling, there's variations
and the plaster. Maybe you can notice your feet right now.
Your feet can often be pretty neutral. How do they
feel in your socks? Can you notice the position of
your toes? And with practice, you can really cultivate this
ability to notice without judging. I like to say, there's
(16:33):
more in this moment. There's always something else to notice.
So if you're ever having a moment that just doesn't
feel like a wonderful moment, there are different strategies to
get through that moment. Maybe you're in a boring movie
you went to with a friend and you kind of
wish that you weren't there. Well, there might be something
else to notice in that moment. You could notice the
(16:55):
costumes a little bit more in the movie, or you know,
you could notice the feeling of a texture of the seat.
So you do have some choices with respect to what
you notice, and sometimes noticing those neutral things can help
you survive or endure a moment of suffering. A final
practice I wanted to talk about is one that you
refer to is allowing all emotions skillfully. What does this
(17:17):
mean and how do we do it? It It sounds amazing
allowing all emotions skillfully. I know there's a lot of
talk lately about okay, you should allow your feelings or
feel your feelings. And you know, I'm a psychologist, so
I like that idea. Okay, feel your feelings. It's okay
to have feelings. The problem is it's easy to get
lost in them. Feelings are just really tough. Emotions are intense,
(17:39):
and it can feel like you're swallowed up by them
or overwhelmed by them. So often. I think that in
certain times in my life I thought I was like,
really in touch with my feelings, but I was ruminating.
I was sort of letting myself be swept away and
the feelings. And so this idea of allowing all feelings
skillfully means thinking about approaching feelings with a different perspective.
(18:04):
You're still allowing all of them, but on top, you're
adding up perspective of a kind witness, somebody who cares.
You're tapping into that noticing caring part of yourself. You're
not going to suppress any of the feelings. This isn't
like toxic positivity. You're not bottling up, but you're not
only submerged in the feelings, you're also noticing and caring
(18:26):
for yourself. So, for instance, one of the strategies is
doctor Kristin Neff's self compassion break, where you take a
moment to really acknowledge that this is a difficult moment.
I am suffering in this moment. This is real. And
notice with that acknowledgement, you're not criticizing yourself, so you're
not beating yourself. I shouldn't have this difficult moment. What's
(18:48):
wrong with me? You're really kind of letting yourself feel it.
Some people might even say, maybe notice where it is
in your body again, using that curiosity to open up,
maybe to allow more and maybe get not only in
your head, but kind of notice how that it's affecting
your body. So that's the first step of the self
compassion break, noticing well, this is real, this is a
(19:10):
real moment of difficulty, and then reminding yourself that that's
part of being human. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong
with you, anything bad about you. You might not like it,
but part of being human is having difficult feelings. This
is something that connects you to other people. It might
feel alienating, but this is a human aspect. And then
(19:30):
the last step of the self compassion break is thinking
about how can I support myself in this moment? Do
I need to connect with a friend, Do I need
a walk, Do I need a glass of water? Do
I just need to journal or listen to a piece
of music, or do I just need to kind of
sit here and breathe for a few minutes. And you
can kind of let that question come up. You might
even not answer it immediately, but more you're training that
(19:53):
attitude towards suffering, not like this is terrible, I shouldn't
feel this way, but yeah, this is part of life,
this is real. How can I support myself? And so
you've been doing these workouts for a long time, and
you have lots of students who've engaged in these workouts.
What are some the benefits that you've seen of kind
of committing to doing these practices over and over and
over again and putting the time in the reps in well,
(20:16):
the one that I'm especially interested in is experiencing less
self criticism, and self criticism is strongly associated with higher
levels of depression, anxiety, and stress, So reducing self criticism
is a wonderful thing to do for your well being. Also,
my students report feeling more comfortable socializing. It can be
(20:40):
really tough if you're putting yourself down all the time
to really feel like it's okay to connect with people
or talk with people. And you know, there's a lot
of social anxiety out there, especially after COVID, maybe people
are even less used to socializing. So people describe being
a little bit more open to connection. So there's a
lot of different effects that can emerge, and it's been
(21:02):
a real pleasure to see my students describe the changes
that take place in their minds with new self talk
techniques and then how that translates into their relationships and
their academic work. And have you personally seen the benefits
of it. It's been a real game changer for me.
So my teenage years in my early twenties were really
plagued with a lot of self criticism. I felt really
(21:24):
bad about myself and I did feel like that was
a core aspect of who I was as a person.
And it was really remarkable to me that over the
years my new normal changed so that my default way
of relating to myself is kind and encouraging. When things
get bad, I have a better sense that this isn't
(21:44):
going to last forever, that even if I'm feeling sort
of bad right now, there are strategies that can help me.
And it's very likely that even if it doesn't feel
like I'm going to feel good right away, that I
can feel better pretty soon, and that I know that
treating myself with more support and kindness feels better. It's
a really powerful thing once it's sort of established. We
(22:06):
talked about that sort of default mental home of like
a lot of people live in that space of putting
themselves down all the time, but overpracticing doing the reps,
you know, hundreds of thousands of times being really kind
and encouraging. It's okay, yep, yeph. Life is hard, You've
got a lot of feelings. You're going to do it.
It's going to be all right. Getting into that zone
makes it more accessible when you need it. Okay, this
(22:29):
is a harder day. Now I can go back to
that zone. I know where that place is. I've felt
it before, so I feel more and more that instead
of just wanting to treat myself better, that this is
the way that I live in my body now. Of
course sometimes that yeah, I self critical, but I'm really
glad that I have techniques for handling it. And I
know that it's not a question of having zero self criticism.
(22:50):
But I'm so glad to experience much less and to
be in so much less pain about it. And I'm
really glad to learn that there are these techniques that
have helped so many people. I hope my conversation with
Rachel today has convinced you that you can develop a kinder,
healthier inner voice in the new year. The bad news
is that, just like in proving your biceps or your thighs,
(23:10):
strengthening your self talk does take a bit of hard work,
repeated training, and commitment. But the good news is that
you can start seeing improvements surprisingly quickly, even with a
self talk workout as simple as taking one intentional breath.
Next week, we'll tackle ways to better listen to and
strengthen our inner voice when it comes to another New
year's stressor our jobs. We'll see that a better work
(23:33):
life harmony is possible if we use the right strategies
to renegotiate our relationship with work. So I hope you'll
be back soon to hear the next special New Year's
Season episode of The Happiness Lab with Me, Doctor Laurie Santos.
Until then, let's hit the self talk, Jim, why don't
you inhale my friend and exhale my friend. Inhale my
(23:57):
friend and exhale my friend. Inhale my friend and exhale
my friend. The Happiness Lab is co written by Ryan
(24:25):
Dilley and is produced by Ryan Dilley and Courtney Guerino.
The show was mastered by Evan Viola and our original
music was composed by Zachary Silver. Special thanks to Shanebeard, Greticon,
Nicole Morano, Morgan Ratner, Maggie Taylor, Jacob Weisberg, my agent,
Ben Davis, and the rest of the Pushkin team. The
Happiness Lab is brought to you by Pushkin Industries and
(24:45):
by Me, Doctor Laurie Santos.
Pushkin surveys show that this year's top New Year's resolution,
the thing that more than fifty percent of folks who
made January resolutions have committed to getting more of in
twenty twenty three is exercise, which, from the perspective of
(00:36):
a happiness professor like me, should be a good thing,
because there's lots and lots of scientific evidence that working
out regularly can significantly improve our self reported happiness. But
the research shows that our bodies aren't the only things
that could use a good workout this year. In fact,
our guest today argues that we might want to swap
at least some of those New Year's bench presses and
leg curls for a different kind of training, one that
(00:58):
focuses on toughening something that we often forget can have
a big effect on our stress levels, our performance, and
our happiness. We'll see today that if we really want
to feel better in twenty twenty three, we probably need
to devote at least a few of our workouts to
improving our inner self talk. So get ready to sweat
out your inner critic and strengthen those self compassion muscles,
(01:20):
because the happiness lab is about to hit the Gym
for our first ever New Year, New Yu Self Talk Workout.
Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to
be happy. But what if our minds are wrong? What
if our minds are lying to us, leading us away
from what we'll really make us happy. The good news
is that understanding the science of the mind can point
(01:42):
us all back in the right direction. You're listening to
the Happiness Lab with doctor Laurie Santos. A lot of
people live in that space of putting themselves down all
the time, and it's a pretty powerful habit. So it's
one we've built up over years and decades, and it
(02:04):
can seem a little bit daunting to change it. This
is psychologist and Seattle Universe City professor Rachel Ture. But
if you've ever tried a new workout, you know that
the first few times are kind of weird sometimes sometimes
a little bit uncomfortable. But after you do it, the
more and more you do it, it becomes more natural,
and the same is true for how you treat yourself.
(02:25):
Rachel is the author of a recent book called The
Self Talk Workout. Six science back to strategies to dissolve
self criticism and transform the voice in your head. As
you might guess from the title, Rachel thinks we should
all be doing training drills not just for our biceps
in our thighs, but also to tone up those harsh
voices inside our heads, so that instead of being mean
(02:47):
to ourselves, we're more encouraging, more supportive, and kinder. The
idea is to build up these resources, these capacities, so
that they are ready to go when you need them,
and so that you're stronger in general. But before jumping
head first into our new inner voice workout plan, I
wanted Rachel to start by explaining a bit more about
what she means by self talk and how we sometimes
(03:08):
get a little nast with our inner voices. I consider
self talk to be the way that you relate to
yourself in your mind. It could be with words. Some
people really talk to themselves in words like Okay, I
should do this, why did you do that? I should
really be better at this. But it might not be
in words. It might be just as a sort of
or sometimes it's hard to catch. But a lot of
(03:29):
folks know that, Okay, I'm not treating myself that nicely.
I feel a lot of times that I should be
different I should be better, I'm not enough, I'm not
doing enough, I'm not good enough, And those are the
sort of tapes that get repeated for most of us.
Negative self talk is something that's so common, like, so
many of us do it all the time. Why if
it's so bad for us, why are we doing it
(03:51):
all the time. And one of the things you talked
about is the idea of a negativity bias. So what's
the negativity bias and how does it contribute to this
kind of mistaken idea we have about our own self talk.
So the negativity bias is the brain's tendency to pay
more attention to the stuff that isn't going well. And
you can imagine how that might be evolutionarily advantageous because
(04:13):
it helps you survive if you notice the threats around
you and in your environment. The problem is kind of
too good at it. We also live in a pretty
competitive culture where most of us are conditioned to evaluate
how good we are, how good we look, how much
we've done, and even to pit that against other people
we see and how beautiful they are and how much
(04:34):
they have accomplished. And that's kind of a drag to
be in that culture. Another reason you've talked about why
we're so bad at this is just it becomes a habit, right,
It's just like a thing that we're used to doing,
you know, talk about why just doing this a lot,
talking to ourselves in ways that aren't very positive a
lot can just become a self perpetuating cycle. Right. It's
(04:55):
amazing what brains do. I mean, brains learn from experience,
and that's usually a really great thing. We're glad to
have these brains that learn. But once brains learn, it's
a little bit harder to unlearn. Just like you know,
you probably put on your pants the same leg at
a time, and that's fine, but other habits are really challenging.
And you know, self criticism, I'm kind of thinking of
(05:16):
it these days, is the smoking of mental health that
it's not so much okay, how did you start smoking?
Who gave you your first cigarette? Of course those things
are bad, But like smoking, self criticism, once it gets going,
it sort of takes on a life of its own.
Once the pathways are established, they are vulnerable to this
automatic activation. So we're very efficient. We automatically go to
(05:40):
these mental places that we're used to going to. There's
sort of like our mental homes. I think a final
reason that a lot of us are so self critical,
I mean, I know this is definitely true for me,
is that we kind of have the sense that it works.
We kind of have this theory that if we just
scream it ourselves and really belittle ourselves, then that will
actually get us motivated to change. Is this the correct intuition?
(06:02):
Is the kind of thing you see a lot Well,
I completely agree with you that people believe. That people
think that their self criticism keeps sharp and motivated and accountable,
and that maybe without it we would just sit on
the couch all day and eat bond bonds. We wouldn't
do anything. And the research shows that self criticism is
strongly associated with depression, stress, and anxiety. So even if
(06:24):
it did motivate us, I don't think it would be
worth it. But it's actually not associated with motivation. So
people are more motivated to improve themselves if they practice
self compassion, that is, being kind and encouraging towards yourself.
And you can kind of see how that works. You know,
say you're writing a cover letter to apply to a
new job. If you're meeting yourself up the whole time,
you've got to get this written. This is bad. You've
(06:45):
got to do a better letter. You could see yourself
kind of wanting to step away from your computer and
go to something else. But if you relate to yourself
in a kind and supportive way and say, you know,
I know this isn't the most fun thing, but you
can do it. You've written other cover letters before, No problem,
let's do another sentence. Great. You can see how that
could be a more positive way of relating to yourself.
(07:05):
So it's not so much that you know you'll lose
motivation or that you're giving yourself permission to never do anything.
You're trying to be a good friend to yourself, a
friend who wants you to succeed, who wants you to
take action aligned with your goals. If Rachel's idea of
talking to yourself like a good friend sounds appealing, then
you're in luck, because when we get back from the break,
(07:26):
we'll hear about how we can work towards more of
this kind positive self talk in the new year. We'll
learn about the exact training we need to strengthen our
inner voices, and some practical workouts and exercises we can
use to relate to ourselves in a healthier way. The
happiness lab will be right back. So I grew up
(07:51):
in the eighties and I would hear the song Whitney
us Houston singing the Greatest Love of All, The greatest
Love of All is happening to me, and it was
about loving yourself, and I thought that sounded fantastic, and
I was completely confused. Psychologist and author Rachel Tureau His
Devil an entire series of workouts that all of us
can use to strengthen our inner voices. But Rachel wasn't
(08:15):
always an expert in compassionate self talk. I mean, I
thought it was great for Whitney. She could love herself.
She seemed really happy. I had no idea how to
get there. I did not feel great about myself. I
knew I wasn't one of the popular kids. I was
picked last for sports, and I felt awkward and lonely
and weird. And how was I going to get to
loving myself just by wanting to love myself? But through
(08:38):
her training as a clinical psychologist, Rachel was able to
find a series of exercises she could use to start
relating to herself with a little more kindness. And for
me that corresponded with my own kind of forays into
mindfulness and compassion practice. Sitting down for several minutes a day,
my mind would wander away. I would be distracted, and
I would get upset at myself for being distracted, and
(08:58):
I would try not to get upset at myself for
being distracted. And I would try that over and over
and over and over and over. And you're training your
brain to judge less by doing the reps. You can
only do it by doing the reps. You get distracted,
and you're going to try not to judge yourself, and
that is your mind trying something new. That is a rep,
and you know, great, it's great that you were distracted
(09:20):
a hundred times. That's one hundred reps of trying not
to judge yourself. And gradually I felt less upset at
myself for being distracted, and then that generalized into judging
myself less in general. But even though Rachel saw the
benefits of mindfulness practices firsthand, she's also quick to admit
that diving into meditation can be tough for beginners. So
if your harsh inner voice hasn't hit the gym in
(09:40):
a while, she recommends starting off your self talk workouts
a bit more simply. I sort of organized the book
from easiest to hardest. I wanted people to kind of
warm up before they got into the heavier workouts, So
I start with just one breath, So one breath of
repeating something kind to yourself as you're breathing inhale my friend,
(10:02):
exhale my friend, for example. We do know that changing
your breathing on purpose can sometimes reduced stress, and we
have pretty good physiological evidence that that's the case. It
also sort of takes your attention to your physical body
away from that endless cycle of rumination in your mind.
My students tend to like this one because it's pretty portable.
(10:25):
You know, it's one breath, so it seems doable, and
you can modify it. You don't have to call yourself
your friend, or you could use a different language, but
even just the phrase inhale my friend, exhale my friend,
you can't really beat yourself up in the same second
that you're calling yourself your friend, so it can serve
to just kind of pause or interrupt what's happening, and
(10:47):
sometimes that pause is really helpful. And practicing it again
during times of kind of just regular times, not when
you're totally stressed out, can make that resource more available.
So then if you are, you know, a lot of
traffic or something difficult happens, it's right there. You're kind
of used to it. Okay, Okay, inhale my friend, exhale
my friend. Okay, what do I need to do next?
(11:08):
And I think this is one of the most powerful
aspects of this workout metaphor that we've been thinking about
for self talk, Right, It's like, if you're doing these
reps regularly when you really need it, they're there for you.
You know, like if you're practicing on the treadmill once
a week, you know, if you really have to sprint
out of traffic or get somewhere quickly because you're running
late for your flight, now all of a sudden, it
becomes easier. And I know this is something that you
(11:30):
mentioned specifically with this inhale my friend practice when it
comes to kind of dealing with stressful moments with your
own kids, talk a little bit about like when you've
used it in more stressful times yourself. Oh my gosh,
just I mean so often My kids now are three, six,
and nine. So you can imagine at breakfast, everybody wants
there like four different things in the same moment. So
(11:52):
in between fetching this and that, I just like to say,
inhale my friend, exhale my friend. It's also kind of
fun to do in a really difficult moment, you know,
of somebody's screaming or crying. Just you know, you don't
want to take half an hour. You need to respond
to what's happening. But often one breath is available, So
(12:12):
that's the kind of inhale my friend breathing technique. Another
technique that you've talked about is what I love, which
is known as the spot the success technique. Tell me
a little bit about this one. You know, we have
this culture of accomplishment. I think it can really be
coming from a good place, but I think that the
trap that we fall into is feeling so bad that
we're not far enough along, that we haven't done as
(12:33):
much as we would like, and then that sort of
self critical attitude about it can drag us down. So
to counteract that emphasis on what we haven't done, how
we're not doing enough, there's a practice that I like
called spot the success, where instead you notice ten things
no matter how small that you have done that have
(12:55):
contributed in a good way to yourself, to somebody else,
or to the world. And you're not evaluating, you're just acknowledging. Okay,
I got out of bed, great, And maybe you took
a vitamin or a medication, maybe you emailed somebody or texted.
These actions are super easy to dismiss because they're not
the grand accomplishments that we hope for. But if we
(13:16):
can get in the habit of acknowledging these small things,
it shifts our perspective so that we're not ruminating on
everything we haven't done, but instead engaging and kind of
marinating and not feeling for a second of what we
have done. One of the things I loved when you
talked about the spot this success technique is you mentioned
that your students have a kind of strong reaction to
this one. So when my students practice spot the success,
(13:38):
their first urge is to dismiss it. Well, those are
just regular things, you know. They discount the behaviors. Of
course I got out of that. Of course I showered,
you know, I had to do that. But I think
that we run the risk when we take all of
our positive behaviors for granted that they don't matter to us.
Maybe we don't build them upon them because we're not
paying attention to them, and we kind of feel bad
(14:00):
about ourselves because we only see ourselves as not doing
what we needed to do. It was hard to come
up with ten things, and sometimes it five and I're like, okay,
push yourself, I know there's more. You know, did you
get dressed? Okay? So it's really it's a workout for
your brain. Your brain might struggle against it, but with time,
(14:21):
you're training your mind to pay attention to a different
subset of experiences. So far, we've heard about a few
effective beginner self talk exercises. We've learned how to use
the power of our breath to hit pause on our
inner rumination cycles so we can speak to ourselves like
a friend. We've also seen that we can get our
self talk back on course by spotting our small successes.
(14:44):
But when we get back from the break, Rachel's going
to up our self talk workouts a bit. She'll share
a few of the more advanced forms of training that
she practices with our students and clients. So get ready
to take our self talk workouts to the next level
when the happiness lad returns in a moment. Paying attention
(15:08):
to your breath and spotting small successes can be a
great way to begin strength training your inner voice. But
if you really want to take your self talk to
the next level, you need to deal with one of
the biggest hurdles to treating yourself kindly judgment. You know,
the inner monologue that tells you that this situation sucks
and you're not doing good enough, and why do you
keep screwing up anyway. Rachel thinks that achieving a healthier
(15:31):
inner voice and being kind to yourself requires finding practices
to soften these kinds of judgments, and one of her
favorite workouts for doing that involves getting a little curious.
How can curiosity help us with judgment? Well, curiosity gives
us another kind of mental habits, something different to chew on, right,
we're just kind of used to chewing on the judgment.
(15:52):
I like this, I don't like that, but yeah, what
if you notice something curiously? And one fun way to
do this I think for students, especially who are struggling
to pay attention in class, I like an exercise of
noticing ten things in the room that you're in right
now that you haven't noticed before. I mean, you're probably
in a room that you've been in many times. But
(16:13):
you know, if I look at my ceiling, there's variations
and the plaster. Maybe you can notice your feet right now.
Your feet can often be pretty neutral. How do they
feel in your socks? Can you notice the position of
your toes? And with practice, you can really cultivate this
ability to notice without judging. I like to say, there's
(16:33):
more in this moment. There's always something else to notice.
So if you're ever having a moment that just doesn't
feel like a wonderful moment, there are different strategies to
get through that moment. Maybe you're in a boring movie
you went to with a friend and you kind of
wish that you weren't there. Well, there might be something
else to notice in that moment. You could notice the
(16:55):
costumes a little bit more in the movie, or you know,
you could notice the feeling of a texture of the seat.
So you do have some choices with respect to what
you notice, and sometimes noticing those neutral things can help
you survive or endure a moment of suffering. A final
practice I wanted to talk about is one that you
refer to is allowing all emotions skillfully. What does this
(17:17):
mean and how do we do it? It It sounds amazing
allowing all emotions skillfully. I know there's a lot of
talk lately about okay, you should allow your feelings or
feel your feelings. And you know, I'm a psychologist, so
I like that idea. Okay, feel your feelings. It's okay
to have feelings. The problem is it's easy to get
lost in them. Feelings are just really tough. Emotions are intense,
(17:39):
and it can feel like you're swallowed up by them
or overwhelmed by them. So often. I think that in
certain times in my life I thought I was like,
really in touch with my feelings, but I was ruminating.
I was sort of letting myself be swept away and
the feelings. And so this idea of allowing all feelings
skillfully means thinking about approaching feelings with a different perspective.
(18:04):
You're still allowing all of them, but on top, you're
adding up perspective of a kind witness, somebody who cares.
You're tapping into that noticing caring part of yourself. You're
not going to suppress any of the feelings. This isn't
like toxic positivity. You're not bottling up, but you're not
only submerged in the feelings, you're also noticing and caring
(18:26):
for yourself. So, for instance, one of the strategies is
doctor Kristin Neff's self compassion break, where you take a
moment to really acknowledge that this is a difficult moment.
I am suffering in this moment. This is real. And
notice with that acknowledgement, you're not criticizing yourself, so you're
not beating yourself. I shouldn't have this difficult moment. What's
(18:48):
wrong with me? You're really kind of letting yourself feel it.
Some people might even say, maybe notice where it is
in your body again, using that curiosity to open up,
maybe to allow more and maybe get not only in
your head, but kind of notice how that it's affecting
your body. So that's the first step of the self
compassion break, noticing well, this is real, this is a
(19:10):
real moment of difficulty, and then reminding yourself that that's
part of being human. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong
with you, anything bad about you. You might not like it,
but part of being human is having difficult feelings. This
is something that connects you to other people. It might
feel alienating, but this is a human aspect. And then
(19:30):
the last step of the self compassion break is thinking
about how can I support myself in this moment? Do
I need to connect with a friend, Do I need
a walk, Do I need a glass of water? Do
I just need to journal or listen to a piece
of music, or do I just need to kind of
sit here and breathe for a few minutes. And you
can kind of let that question come up. You might
even not answer it immediately, but more you're training that
(19:53):
attitude towards suffering, not like this is terrible, I shouldn't
feel this way, but yeah, this is part of life,
this is real. How can I support myself? And so
you've been doing these workouts for a long time, and
you have lots of students who've engaged in these workouts.
What are some the benefits that you've seen of kind
of committing to doing these practices over and over and
over again and putting the time in the reps in well,
(20:16):
the one that I'm especially interested in is experiencing less
self criticism, and self criticism is strongly associated with higher
levels of depression, anxiety, and stress, So reducing self criticism
is a wonderful thing to do for your well being. Also,
my students report feeling more comfortable socializing. It can be
(20:40):
really tough if you're putting yourself down all the time
to really feel like it's okay to connect with people
or talk with people. And you know, there's a lot
of social anxiety out there, especially after COVID, maybe people
are even less used to socializing. So people describe being
a little bit more open to connection. So there's a
lot of different effects that can emerge, and it's been
(21:02):
a real pleasure to see my students describe the changes
that take place in their minds with new self talk
techniques and then how that translates into their relationships and
their academic work. And have you personally seen the benefits
of it. It's been a real game changer for me.
So my teenage years in my early twenties were really
plagued with a lot of self criticism. I felt really
(21:24):
bad about myself and I did feel like that was
a core aspect of who I was as a person.
And it was really remarkable to me that over the
years my new normal changed so that my default way
of relating to myself is kind and encouraging. When things
get bad, I have a better sense that this isn't
(21:44):
going to last forever, that even if I'm feeling sort
of bad right now, there are strategies that can help me.
And it's very likely that even if it doesn't feel
like I'm going to feel good right away, that I
can feel better pretty soon, and that I know that
treating myself with more support and kindness feels better. It's
a really powerful thing once it's sort of established. We
(22:06):
talked about that sort of default mental home of like
a lot of people live in that space of putting
themselves down all the time, but overpracticing doing the reps,
you know, hundreds of thousands of times being really kind
and encouraging. It's okay, yep, yeph. Life is hard, You've
got a lot of feelings. You're going to do it.
It's going to be all right. Getting into that zone
makes it more accessible when you need it. Okay, this
(22:29):
is a harder day. Now I can go back to
that zone. I know where that place is. I've felt
it before, so I feel more and more that instead
of just wanting to treat myself better, that this is
the way that I live in my body now. Of
course sometimes that yeah, I self critical, but I'm really
glad that I have techniques for handling it. And I
know that it's not a question of having zero self criticism.
(22:50):
But I'm so glad to experience much less and to
be in so much less pain about it. And I'm
really glad to learn that there are these techniques that
have helped so many people. I hope my conversation with
Rachel today has convinced you that you can develop a kinder,
healthier inner voice in the new year. The bad news
is that, just like in proving your biceps or your thighs,
(23:10):
strengthening your self talk does take a bit of hard work,
repeated training, and commitment. But the good news is that
you can start seeing improvements surprisingly quickly, even with a
self talk workout as simple as taking one intentional breath.
Next week, we'll tackle ways to better listen to and
strengthen our inner voice when it comes to another New
year's stressor our jobs. We'll see that a better work
(23:33):
life harmony is possible if we use the right strategies
to renegotiate our relationship with work. So I hope you'll
be back soon to hear the next special New Year's
Season episode of The Happiness Lab with Me, Doctor Laurie Santos.
Until then, let's hit the self talk, Jim, why don't
you inhale my friend and exhale my friend. Inhale my
(23:57):
friend and exhale my friend. Inhale my friend and exhale
my friend. The Happiness Lab is co written by Ryan
(24:25):
Dilley and is produced by Ryan Dilley and Courtney Guerino.
The show was mastered by Evan Viola and our original
music was composed by Zachary Silver. Special thanks to Shanebeard, Greticon,
Nicole Morano, Morgan Ratner, Maggie Taylor, Jacob Weisberg, my agent,
Ben Davis, and the rest of the Pushkin team. The
Happiness Lab is brought to you by Pushkin Industries and
(24:45):
by Me, Doctor Laurie Santos.
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