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Grieving Out Loud: Loss, Identity, and Black Maternal Health

This week on The Heavyweight Podcast, we talk about the weight of grief—from the pain of repeated pregnancy loss to the struggle of finding yourself after the death of a parent. We also open up about childhood trauma, broken friendships, and the parts of ourselves we lose along the way.

Our conversation highlights how Black women face reproductive trauma, often without proper medical support. We also dive into how society’s phrases around grief—though well-meaning—can miss the mark. This episode is honest, emotional, and meant for anyone navigating loss or trying to support someone who is.

Thanks for tapping in with The Heavyweight Podcast.
Make sure you follow, subscribe, and share with someone who needs this convo. Catch us on all socials for clips, updates, and more behind the mic. https://linktr.ee/TheHeavyweightPodcast

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_05 (00:00):
Welcome to the Heavyweight Podcast.

SPEAKER_02 (00:04):
The message behind saying the title of the
Heavyweight Podcast is to beable to say that we can we can
weigh in some heavy shit.
What we're talking about isimportant from every aspect of
it.
It's a heavy weight.
It's not just about physicalweight, but the weight of things
that that can weigh our minds.
So I think it's dope that we canhave this conversation.

(00:30):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 (00:30):
That kind of is upsetting.

SPEAKER_07 (00:32):
It's like you can't process it.
You coughing, she choking?
I I can't breathe with themachine on.
Like I it's I can't take in thatmuch air that fell.
Oh fuck.
All right.

SPEAKER_00 (00:44):
This is moving off the rails, whatever.

SPEAKER_07 (00:46):
Oh.

SPEAKER_02 (00:47):
I kept thinking I was like, this is gonna just
turn into a pause worthy moment.
I'm just gonna shut up.
I'm just gonna be quiet.

SPEAKER_03 (00:54):
It's gonna make it's gonna make the episode, that's
for sure.
You can't take in what?

SPEAKER_04 (01:00):
Shut the fuck.

SPEAKER_03 (01:02):
What can't you take in?
You struggling with taking thishome?
This is a safe place.

SPEAKER_02 (01:09):
I don't I would, I just welcome back.

SPEAKER_03 (01:13):
Everyone's safe.

SPEAKER_02 (01:14):
Welcome back.

SPEAKER_03 (01:15):
This is safe.

SPEAKER_05 (01:17):
You already like negative minutes in, and you
know sorry.

SPEAKER_04 (01:23):
We just hold on.
You know what?

SPEAKER_03 (01:26):
What?
You okay?

SPEAKER_04 (01:27):
Yeah, I'm fine.
You sure?
All right.

SPEAKER_00 (01:30):
Go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 (01:31):
Do what you do.

SPEAKER_03 (01:33):
Take it all in.

SPEAKER_02 (01:35):
Do it, lady.

SPEAKER_07 (01:38):
What's up, everybody?
Welcome back to another amazingepisode of the Heavyweight
Podcast.

SPEAKER_00 (01:43):
Yay, yay!

SPEAKER_07 (01:44):
I am your host, Desda Diva, and I'm here with my
three amazing favorite peopleever.
Um, it's been a minute.
Definitely missed all of youguys.

SPEAKER_05 (01:53):
We missed you.

SPEAKER_07 (01:55):
He definitely missed you.
You're gonna have to be quiet,bro.
I tell these people you love me.
You could tell them whatever youwant to tell him.
He does.
He does.
Thank you.
Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 (02:04):
Loving and being supportive is two different
things.
Introduce yourselves, please.
You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_07 (02:08):
I ain't doing it with you today.

SPEAKER_04 (02:09):
I was making business.

SPEAKER_07 (02:10):
I'm out you interview you.
I'm not in the closet.
He's in the love, Des Divacloset.
No, I'm not.
Yes.
No, Kevin.

SPEAKER_05 (02:20):
In the closet?
Are you trapped in it?
I'm not.
I'm not.
I don't know where she got thisshit from.

SPEAKER_03 (02:28):
You got your good.
I was just trying to besupportive of her and her
situation.

SPEAKER_04 (02:34):
That's it.
He definitely let me know thatwe are family.
We're not family.
You're lying.
She's trying to take my cousin.
This is cute.
That's my cousin.

SPEAKER_07 (02:41):
That's my cousin.

SPEAKER_02 (02:43):
Ask him.
You sing it like Randy Watson?

SPEAKER_07 (02:45):
Ask him.
That's my cousin.

SPEAKER_02 (02:47):
You sing it like Randy Watson?

SPEAKER_07 (02:48):
We uh no, no, you don't.

SPEAKER_02 (02:51):
No.

SPEAKER_03 (02:51):
I do old school Randy.

SPEAKER_07 (02:53):
He's like, okay.
I I was I was weary if we werefamily.
And then I talked to your wifeand I was like, we family.

SPEAKER_06 (03:00):
I want to talk to everybody.
He wasn't weary.

SPEAKER_07 (03:03):
We family.

SPEAKER_03 (03:03):
Walking around all that ham in them pants.

SPEAKER_07 (03:06):
How the fuck did we get here?
Introduce yourself.

SPEAKER_05 (03:09):
It's pretty impressive with that.

SPEAKER_07 (03:10):
Because I was it's me.

SPEAKER_05 (03:15):
Positivity.
Positivity.

SPEAKER_03 (03:17):
I'm positively positively introduce yourself,
please.

SPEAKER_04 (03:20):
That's his name.

SPEAKER_05 (03:21):
Positivity.
He's been positivity for thepast three weeks.
The name's been that, but right.

SPEAKER_07 (03:28):
But the vibe, uh I'll be I'll just be limp
biscuit.
Get the fuck out of here.

SPEAKER_06 (03:35):
I don't even want to look at you.

SPEAKER_02 (03:37):
Call me Coke line McFly.
Coke line.
Oak line.

SPEAKER_07 (03:40):
And why are we calling you that?

SPEAKER_02 (03:41):
Is that blue magic?
Could you ask me uh how I got somuch weight off of me so fast?
Uh do a line, a line of Coke aday.

SPEAKER_03 (03:48):
Is it blue magic?
Is that top quality shit?
Blue magic?
My man.
Yes, we're talking about theseniggas is slow.
If I can eat 10%, if I can eat10% tango, that's my profit.

SPEAKER_07 (03:58):
I ain't even been back five minutes, y'all, and I
need somebody to already comeand save me.
How was y'all weeks?

SPEAKER_02 (04:02):
That wasn't cocaine.

SPEAKER_07 (04:04):
Nope.

SPEAKER_02 (04:04):
That was yeah, that was heroin.

SPEAKER_07 (04:07):
You trying to not out.
You trying to not out.
I'm not dealing with you.

SPEAKER_02 (04:12):
I didn't want I see asked what I was blue magic, so
I was just like, hey, my man.
I'll tell you the most.

SPEAKER_01 (04:17):
Hold on, hold on.

SPEAKER_03 (04:19):
I was watching.
This is funny.
Sorry, no.
I was watching an interventionwith my wife, and this one
chick, she was in Canada.
She took fennel as a downer.
Oh.
But then when she felt herselfgoing down, then she would smoke
crack to pick up.
Wow.
Said, damn.
Wow.
Hello.

SPEAKER_07 (04:36):
She said, oh, this too down.
Give me the crack.
That's crazy.
I said, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (04:41):
Imagine how that like.

SPEAKER_07 (04:42):
Did she go to the rehab?
Because baby.

SPEAKER_03 (04:44):
I thought that monitor would go just.
Oh no, she started selling drugsto pay for her habit.

SPEAKER_07 (04:48):
What?

SPEAKER_05 (04:50):
Never mind.
I was like, she got a whole ass.

SPEAKER_03 (04:55):
No, she didn't.
My week was uh my week was uhit's fine.
Nothing important happened.
Got through.
You know, it was a tough week.
It is what it is.
Life is life.

SPEAKER_05 (05:10):
Limpizky.
Let's move on.
Um week good daughters, Val'sbirthday today.

SPEAKER_07 (05:15):
So happy birthday, Val.

SPEAKER_05 (05:18):
Other than that, uh yeah, made some spaghetti and
shit.
And the sauce, your favoriteshit from scratch.
This nigga over here playingwith noodles.

SPEAKER_07 (05:28):
And the sauce was from scratch.
What?

SPEAKER_05 (05:30):
Playing with noodles.

SPEAKER_07 (05:31):
And the sauce was from scratch.

SPEAKER_05 (05:32):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (05:33):
Yes, definitely.
And Val was driving.

SPEAKER_05 (05:36):
And the meatballs, too.

SPEAKER_07 (05:37):
And what's wrong, dude?

SPEAKER_05 (05:43):
Use that.

SPEAKER_01 (05:44):
What's wrong, dude?
Y'all get on my nerve.

SPEAKER_07 (05:46):
I use that chuck.
I'm like the meatballs.
Awake enough for the shit y'allfinna put me through.
Study, you give it.
You looked away quick.

SPEAKER_02 (05:56):
You said the emphasis on the balls just made
me uncomfortable.
I wasn't gonna look in thatdirection.
I mean, they're made of meat.
I get that, but you put theemphasis on balls and it was
looking in our direction.
I had to look away.

SPEAKER_07 (06:11):
And how was your week?

SPEAKER_02 (06:12):
It was cool.
Um, I worked a lot.
Did a broke nigga say something?

SPEAKER_07 (06:16):
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (06:17):
Uh probably.
I don't know.
I don't pay attention.
Um, but I I I've been uhtracking this whole whole
knowing uh this uh this actorthat that goes to to to uh
school pickup and he's uh uhactor was funny as I would see
him for like over a year, and Iwas like, this motherfucker

(06:37):
looks familiar.
He looks super familiar.
And then I was like, I don'tknow why.
I I feel like I know I've seenhim somewhere, and then I was
watching uh The Accountant 2 andhe was in a scene and I was like
I'm pretty sure I've seen thismotherfucker somewhere, right?
And I looked in the IMBD, andsure enough, uh I was chopping

(07:00):
it up with him, and uh he toldme his name, and I was like, it
is him, and then I I saw hisInstagram and Yeah, it's him.

SPEAKER_07 (07:10):
And then and then I you need to ask him to be on the
podcast.

SPEAKER_02 (07:13):
I I don't he doesn't know that I know he's an actor.

SPEAKER_07 (07:16):
You want me to come up there and ask him?
That would be weird.
Yeah, that would be mad weird.
He'd be like, hey, uh look, I'llcome right on up to it.

SPEAKER_02 (07:23):
I thought we were friends, man.
And this is how you you get yougot somebody randomly coming up
to me to do a podcast with.

SPEAKER_07 (07:29):
If you watch the podcast, you're gonna.

SPEAKER_03 (07:30):
How are you friends since y'all been into each
other's house?

SPEAKER_02 (07:33):
He was up the street, but I'm not.
Yeah, you guys, you know what hemeans.

SPEAKER_05 (07:36):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (07:38):
You know.

SPEAKER_05 (07:38):
The dad friends at the He's a dad to drop a pickup,
yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (07:41):
Yeah, you do the pickup.
Because there's some niggas youain't gonna talk to.
He also is in a movie with EddieMurphy that's also on Amazon.

SPEAKER_04 (07:48):
Okay, I do like Eddie Murphy.

SPEAKER_02 (07:49):
A newer one or a yeah, Candy Kane Lane.

SPEAKER_04 (07:51):
Oh, okay.
What the fuck is that about?

SPEAKER_02 (07:52):
He played one of the neighbors.

SPEAKER_04 (07:53):
It's all candy cane.

SPEAKER_02 (07:54):
I don't know that one.

SPEAKER_04 (07:55):
It's a Christmas movie.

SPEAKER_02 (07:56):
It's a Christmas movie, yeah.
That's just making it where wecan figure this out, huh?
Yeah, essentially.
He did uh the Bernie Mac show.
He played one of Bernie Mac'sfriends.
Um I think.

SPEAKER_07 (08:08):
You know his name?
Bernie Mac.
How was your weekday?

SPEAKER_02 (08:09):
Yeah, I know his name.
I'm not saying it though.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (08:12):
Um, life's been kicking my ass lately.
Um, I'm probably gonna tell youguys on this episode where I've
been, but you took all in?
But and I didn't really post itbecause I didn't take a lot of
videos, but y'all, I seenChristopher Maurice Brown.
I saw.

SPEAKER_00 (08:31):
Yeah, we know.

SPEAKER_07 (08:32):
Oh my god.
Afton took me.
Oh my god.
Yeah, I saw you was with MissAttitude.
Leave Afton alone.
Okay.
I saw you.
That girl been supporting theshit out of me.
You leave her alone.
That's good for me.
Okay.
Um, she only gives you anattitude when it's worn ticket.

SPEAKER_03 (08:47):
That's what she tells you.

SPEAKER_07 (08:48):
Okay, she ain't gave me no attitude.
The footage says differently.
She don't give me an attitude.
Oh, okay.
I do know who that is.
I do okay, okay.

unknown (08:58):
Okay.

SPEAKER_07 (08:59):
Um, Chris Brown uh came and left it all in Los
Angeles, California.
Baby, he don't owe us a damnthing.
That man is so fan.
Lord have mercy on my soul.
Okay, highlight of my damn lastcouple of weeks, because my last
couple of weeks have been crazyas hell.
But boy, boy, boy, that ChrisBrown boy.

(09:19):
Jesus.
And it was crazy because Iforget that he's our age, like
he's close to our age.
So it was like grandma's there.
It was like, but like in croptops and booty shorts.
And I was like, You need to haveit for me.
What?

SPEAKER_05 (09:34):
Well, I mean, when you say grandmas, I mean like
they was like our age.

SPEAKER_07 (09:40):
No, but it was like, no, but it was like generations
of like you'll see a family andyou'll see like the grandma, the
mama, the little kid.
They had a toddler.
All of them had on crop tops andbooty shorts.
That nigga is my he was going tobe.
Yeah, he's your your own.
Yeah, you're like what's you30-something?
37.
I'm 38.
So yes, y'all about the sameage, yes.

SPEAKER_02 (10:01):
I was so confused that you asked me what my my
weight loss regimen was, and youhave the source.

SPEAKER_00 (10:05):
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (10:06):
He is definitely oh, oh.
We didn't get close enough forme to get on the weight loss
plan.
Okay, we didn't know.

SPEAKER_05 (10:13):
Oh, he didn't call you on stage.

SPEAKER_07 (10:15):
If Chris Brown caught me on that motherfucking
stage, I swear to God, uh y'allwould know.
It'll be on the news.
And he was flying in the air,baby, and I said, Lord, if this
man get close enough for me tosnatch these damn feet, y'all.
Did you say sugar booger?

SPEAKER_05 (10:36):
Oh Lord.

SPEAKER_07 (10:39):
Listen, he for the amount of, first of all, for the
amount of songs he sang.
Well, yeah, he's on never mind.
Because god damn, he I at somepoint I did get tired.
I was like, listen, Afton, doyou like these lyric or the
list, bitch?
Do you like these damn songs?
Because I'm fucking tired.
Um, and for the amount ofgyrating he does on the stage,
he needs to be on something.

(11:00):
Yeah, he probably is a blow.
He got oh god, I don't know.
I am tired of you.
But it's something, something.

SPEAKER_05 (11:09):
It's something.

SPEAKER_07 (11:11):
Whatever.
I love him.
He did a great job.
Um, super fabulous.
I'm super glad glad that I gotto see his music, it's
phenomenal.
He is an amazing artist.
Um, it was still a whole lot ofold people there.
And I mean, like, bitches onwalkers and fucking crop tops
and asses out.
And I was just like, why thefuck are you on a walker with
me?

(11:32):
Your fucking depan is out.

SPEAKER_05 (11:33):
Damn.

SPEAKER_07 (11:34):
Like, why is your depan hanging out the bottom of
your fucking shorts?
This shit is funny.
When they competition dancing,you seem like you're a little
bitter.
I was I fuck no.
Because of Chris, let me tellyou something.

SPEAKER_05 (11:43):
I really hope that's satire.
Because that upsets me ifthere's somebody with their
diapers out.
I guess it all depends.

SPEAKER_01 (11:52):
Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (11:52):
I'm trying to tell you.
But I am just I want to I amjust repeating to you what I saw
in attendance, okay?
And the men who took their girlsto see him, you could just tell
that they was there just to makesure that you didn't take your
ass on stage.

SPEAKER_03 (12:10):
I would have been, I wouldn't have a fucking singer.

SPEAKER_07 (12:12):
It was a masculine couple next to me, and I promise
you that nigga was like, hey,hey, hey, fool, hey, you don't
need to yell that loud, okay?
Sing the song fucking regular.
You don't need to be yelling.
And I was like, well, bitch,Maria, you better calm it down
because Wow.

SPEAKER_03 (12:26):
See?

SPEAKER_04 (12:26):
See?
But I was bad, huh?
Huh?
But I was bad.
Where's Juan at, huh?

SPEAKER_07 (12:32):
That's who was with Maria.
See?

SPEAKER_02 (12:36):
Juana Maria made made a comeback.
Listen.
It went from Molethal to Dez.
From the soccer field to theChris Brown concert.

SPEAKER_06 (12:45):
Listen.

SPEAKER_04 (12:45):
Listen, okay?

SPEAKER_02 (12:46):
You were listening a while.
You'll get the reference.

SPEAKER_07 (12:50):
But I I definitely um had a good time.
That was a highlight of my lastcouple of weeks because it's
been crazy.
But uh let's move on to therapid fire.
Um, I'm gonna ask you guys sixquick questions so y'all can
give me the quick answer.
I believe that's how we do that.
Um, what is your guilty pleasurefood?

SPEAKER_03 (13:08):
Oreos.
Skunk.

SPEAKER_07 (13:12):
Excuse me.

SPEAKER_05 (13:13):
Skunk weed.
Damn.
That's your guilty pleasurefood.

SPEAKER_07 (13:16):
What the fuck is that?

SPEAKER_05 (13:18):
Weed?

SPEAKER_07 (13:18):
Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 (13:20):
It makes some cookies.
Shut the fuck.

SPEAKER_07 (13:23):
What shores make fun?

SPEAKER_02 (13:25):
Pizza.

SPEAKER_07 (13:26):
What kind of pizza?

SPEAKER_00 (13:27):
Guilty pleasure?

SPEAKER_02 (13:28):
Uh, or world pepperoni pizza.
Fine.
Where is that?
Is it the pepperoni that curlsup?

SPEAKER_05 (13:34):
Okay.
Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_07 (13:35):
I thought that sounds good.

SPEAKER_02 (13:36):
Those are the crispy ones, too?
Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (13:39):
All of it's mine.
I shouldn't be eating none ofthat shit.
Every fucking thing you put infront of me is a goddamn guilty
pleasure.
Food in fucking general.
My fat ass don't need to beeating none of that shit, and I
eat all of it.
So there you go.
All of it's mine.
Um, if you had to delete everyapp except for three, what three
would you keep?
Yep, come on.

SPEAKER_05 (13:56):
Oh, mine are terrible.

SPEAKER_07 (13:57):
Whatever the fuck you're thinking, you hold it in.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
You hold it in.
You, what are your apps?
If it's fucking porn hub niggas,you just do not.
That's a website.

SPEAKER_05 (14:12):
Everybody knows that.

SPEAKER_07 (14:13):
I don't look at porn, so I do not know.

SPEAKER_05 (14:15):
Well, now you know.

SPEAKER_07 (14:17):
I don't.
It's fucking boring.
I be up there trying to figureout what I'm saying.
Well, you watching the wrongporn.
Because why these hoes' hairdon't be nothing right?
That should be pissing me off.
You watching for the hair?

SPEAKER_02 (14:26):
We're looking at the wrong hair.
Yeah, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_05 (14:30):
Talking about the net the dugout.

SPEAKER_06 (14:35):
I don't like you niggas.
Like I can't.

SPEAKER_05 (14:42):
I'll go, I'll go solitaire.
Damn.
Yep, I'm keeping my solitaire.
Uh I like the gram.
The gram is a good connection.
No, I'm taking the gram offTikTok.
And uh, what's the other onewhere you uh because you have to
have an app for the messaging.

SPEAKER_03 (15:02):
What's that?

SPEAKER_05 (15:04):
No, the uh just messenger.
The messenger.

SPEAKER_03 (15:06):
It's just called Messenger.
No, I don't give up on that.
I'm gonna keep Chad G, uh, keepthe Chad G PT.
I'm keep my banking app to makesure I ain't broke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And probably if I have to gosocial media, I'm gonna go
Instagram.

SPEAKER_04 (15:21):
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (15:22):
Oh yeah, you know what?
You're right.
It'll be yeah, my what he said,the banking app, Reddit, and um
Reddit was number four.

SPEAKER_07 (15:30):
That's a good one.
The banking app, Reddit, andwhat?

SPEAKER_02 (15:34):
And uh IG.

SPEAKER_07 (15:35):
I'm gonna go um uh ChatGPT, Instagram, and she in.
Oh no, Fashion Over.
Oh shit.
Fashion over.

unknown (15:46):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (15:46):
Why the fuck are y'all looking at me like that?
I didn't know these were thatwas an app.
I have to be cute.

SPEAKER_03 (15:52):
Okay, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_07 (15:54):
Uh would you rather make unlimited money or can I
change my answer?
Sure.

SPEAKER_03 (15:58):
I uh I'm gonna I'm gonna drop the banking app and
just put the web browser thatway I can.

SPEAKER_07 (16:04):
So you can have all of it.
Okay.
That was smart.
That was smart.
That was smart.
Would you rather have unlimitedmoney or unlimited time?
Time.

SPEAKER_05 (16:14):
Yeah, time because you can make the money, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (16:17):
Time time for sure.
Time for sure.
Uh, what's the worst fashionchoice you ever made?
Don't nobody fucking answer forme.
And I'm gonna put that off.
Let me put that fuckingdisclaimer.
When I read this, uh, when Isaid that I said I said he is
trying to set me up.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't nobody answer.
Don't nobody make no answer.
Don't say your answer and thensay, but Desray, you wore this

(16:38):
because the two of you.

SPEAKER_05 (16:40):
Was that that wasn't in your heart when you wrote
that?
No.
No, that was him.

SPEAKER_07 (16:44):
This is him.
Yeah, that was only what I getwatching.
I don't think that went aboutme.
This nigga wrote it.
So that's why I was like, oh,okay, hold on.
Understandable.
I know you wouldn't do me likethat.
I know you asked, though.
Don't you answer for me?
Go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 (17:01):
Uh I got several, so I'm gonna just go with my S
curl.
Oh, yeah, that's a bad one, too.

SPEAKER_03 (17:08):
No, we don't have a picture of that.

SPEAKER_05 (17:10):
You know what?
I'm gonna go in that vein.
It was the when I did braids,did French braids, that was bad.

SPEAKER_07 (17:16):
You don't have a picture?

SPEAKER_05 (17:18):
That shit was bad.
They were so tight, it was bad.

SPEAKER_07 (17:21):
I feel like we should post pictures of these
things.
Yeah.
Anything.

SPEAKER_02 (17:26):
Yeah, it would be the faux hawk for me.

SPEAKER_04 (17:30):
Well, I gotta I gonna like that one to look
good.

SPEAKER_02 (17:33):
He didn't like it.
I didn't like it.
And the cuckoo cow sweater fromhigh school.

SPEAKER_04 (17:37):
What the fuck is that?

SPEAKER_02 (17:40):
Motherfucker used to always say cuckoo cow, because I
always wore the sweater.

SPEAKER_07 (17:43):
So get the fuck out of town.
That's like no, I ain't gonnasay that.

SPEAKER_02 (17:50):
This nigga's always in that sweater.
I was like, oh.

SPEAKER_07 (17:53):
You went to North all four years?
Look at the three.
Do you remember?

unknown (17:56):
Jeez.

SPEAKER_07 (17:57):
Why are you whispering?
And he used to have one of BillCosby sweaters.

SPEAKER_02 (18:00):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (18:01):
And they used to be like, with the Bill Cosby
sweater.
Oh God, that shit used to crackme the fuck out.
I still love him, but still.

SPEAKER_02 (18:07):
Me?
I'm being triggered.

SPEAKER_07 (18:08):
Yeah, I don't have bad fashion moments.

SPEAKER_02 (18:11):
Shit.

SPEAKER_07 (18:11):
You're right.

SPEAKER_02 (18:12):
You're right.

SPEAKER_05 (18:12):
Always always on point.

SPEAKER_07 (18:14):
I don't have bad fashion moments.
How much time do you got?
I don't.
I don't.
Okay.
But the only thing I can thinkthat might have been like a bad
fashion, like small era for me,was when I lived in Virginia and
I started looking like countrymeats.
I couldn't figure my style out.
Before I couldn't figure mystyle out.
Those were like my bad fashionmoments.

(18:35):
But once I got a hold of it,baby, because I don't care what
y'all say about my shoes.
The touch, the feel.
I don't care what y'all sayabout my shoes.
They eat every time.
So I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 (18:48):
But we know it has to be fed.

SPEAKER_05 (19:01):
You know what?
I think one of them too, I had Iwon out it with a two-tone.
Like I had a shirt on, twoshirts, and one of them I cut
the sleeve off.
Damn.
And I remember somebody's like,I love how you don't give a
fuck.
And I'm like, if somebody saysthat, that you can't do it.
Yeah, well, somebody said theylove that you didn't know.

SPEAKER_02 (19:23):
Like, that's not enough.
That should go change shit.

SPEAKER_07 (19:26):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I definitely just, yeah, I don'thave bad fashion moments.
I I don't.

SPEAKER_03 (19:32):
There was this uh South Pole shirt I wore too
long, too.

SPEAKER_07 (19:35):
You wore it too long?

SPEAKER_03 (19:36):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (19:36):
It started wearing you.

SPEAKER_02 (19:38):
Oh my god.
Was it white?
You remember the Fukuo era wherethey were trying to see who had
real foo or not?

SPEAKER_07 (19:43):
Yeah.

unknown (19:44):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (19:44):
Based on how the foo looked.
Because it could say boo-foo.

SPEAKER_07 (19:48):
And now the shit you can buy it off Walmart.
So there you go.
So there y'all go.

SPEAKER_03 (19:52):
That's not as bad as when they wear their pants
inside out so they can see itwhen the pockets had to design
them inside.

SPEAKER_02 (19:57):
I never did that one.

SPEAKER_00 (19:58):
Who the fuck did that?

SPEAKER_02 (20:00):
The closest thing I had that was a vocal pants.
Wow, that's Nelly shit, right?
Yeah, yeah.
I was uh St.
Louis all day.

SPEAKER_07 (20:08):
I was funny looking in school.
So that's probably welcome back.

SPEAKER_03 (20:17):
She said she's going to school to get be a therapist.
In in school, I was funnylooking.
She's supposed to just takeinsult?
Right.

SPEAKER_07 (20:24):
Well, I'm saying she's still in school.
I was funny looking in highschool, junior high school,
because I was still figuring outmy fashion, what my version of
fashion was.
Okay.
Hey, when you find it, let usknow.
Oh my god.
I know you did it.
You know.
I mean, as long as you went outthere with it.

(20:45):
And every time somebody asks mesomething about these two, I'll
always be like, Kevin is sonice.
He doesn't be doing that shit tome.
McFly do it on the sly, and thenI be thinking that I'm laughing,
and then I'll be like, hold on,I'm laughing at myself because
McFly just made a joke and theshit was about me.
This nigga is bold about it, butI'm always like, nigga, yes, you
do.
But I'm always like, Kevin's sosweet.
And then you then hear you withthe bullshit.

SPEAKER_03 (21:07):
He said you was in like his logic makes sense.
Hold on.
Would you walk around with withthe with the the struggle tail?

SPEAKER_07 (21:13):
The fuck is that?

SPEAKER_03 (21:14):
You know when they barely got that 122.
Oh no, I have long hair.
Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_07 (21:18):
Y'all need me to y'all need me to come back.
Y'all remember how long my lockswere?
And I combed them out.
My hair's long.
Not to ask the question, nigga.
You ain't got a proof.
Yeah, no, I ain't never been.
No.
No, no, no.
You was playing.
Okay.
Okay.
In the seventh grade.
Okay.
Now this what used to triggerme, but this is true.
In the seventh grade, I my hairgot cut.

(21:38):
I don't want to want to say whyit got cut, but it got cut.
And it was, I had like a short.
I had no nigga.
And I had like a short, like.
No, nigga.
It was traumatizing why it gotcut.
I'll tell you off camera.
And I had like a short, likelittle like monica cut.
And the kids at school used tocall me Body Locks and the Three
Hairs.
And that shit.

(22:00):
I was inquiring.
I walked in one day.
Them niggas was like, booth,both, both, both.

SPEAKER_05 (22:04):
Oh Lord.
That's fucked up.
Like, fuck y'all.
On key?

SPEAKER_07 (22:16):
I said, fuck all of y'all.
But that Baldy Lock said thethree hair shit, huh?
Fucking hilarious in my adultfucking life.
But as a child, it was fuckingtrauma traumatizing.
That was probably when I waslike looking crazy the most.
But I'm cute, so I don't knowwhat to tell y'all.
What song always gets you guyshyped no matter what?

SPEAKER_03 (22:36):
I gotta listen.

SPEAKER_02 (22:36):
Yeah, seeing it all, uh young Jay Z and Jay-Z always
hypes me up.
I feel like I'm a drug dealer atthat point.

SPEAKER_03 (22:42):
I'm is that where you get the Coke from?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Just selling that.

SPEAKER_02 (22:47):
If you listen to enough Jay-Z or Push Your T.

SPEAKER_05 (22:49):
Definitely push it.
Well, they now I feel like if Ilisten to them, I'm like, just
opulence.
Like, well, I sold it all,nigga.
Like this is uh, I don'tremember her name.
Stereo Love.
Yeah, that's my shit.

(23:11):
You guys know that song.
I do not.

SPEAKER_00 (23:13):
No.
I yeah, you know it.

SPEAKER_05 (23:17):
When you hear it, you know it.

SPEAKER_07 (23:18):
And now, as soon as the camera's off, I'm gonna pull
it up.

SPEAKER_05 (23:21):
Yeah, you're gonna be like, oh, I know this, Jim.
It's the joint.
Hyped every time.

SPEAKER_03 (23:26):
Uh SWB, uh, SWB human nature.

SPEAKER_07 (23:30):
I love that.

SPEAKER_03 (23:31):
Like hyped?
Hyped.
Anytime I hear SW, I get hypedwith a couple of things.

SPEAKER_07 (23:34):
All the SWB.
I I think can we by SWV gets meevery time.

SPEAKER_03 (23:38):
And I told her, I said, yes, Coco, you can.

SPEAKER_07 (23:41):
I bet you did.
She's gorgeous.
Like, lady, are you just notgonna age?
It don't matter.
And her voice is still likeperfection.
Like, wow, she's gonna be.
Is she?
I guess that makes sense.
They were adults when we werekids.
I gotta get on it right now.
Oh boy.
Okay.
If your life was a movie, uh,what what movie would it be or

(24:02):
what genre?
Uh say what movie it is.
Fuck the genre.
What movie would it be?

SPEAKER_03 (24:06):
That would be a comedy.

SPEAKER_07 (24:07):
What comedy would it be?
Which one?

SPEAKER_05 (24:12):
I forgot the name of it.

SPEAKER_02 (24:14):
Nope.

SPEAKER_05 (24:14):
That's the happy name.

SPEAKER_07 (24:15):
I love that movie.
That is a good movie.

SPEAKER_03 (24:18):
I was gonna say, since I have a child that likes
to sneak in my room at night,I'm gonna call it rush hour.
Get the fuck out of here.

SPEAKER_07 (24:25):
You leave my girl alone.
You leave my girl alone.
I got an hour to get it in.
I knew it was gonna be somebullshit coming out of your
goddamn mouth.

SPEAKER_03 (24:33):
Here we go.
I'm like, I'll fly, nah, moneytalk.
Why?
Because I'm hustling.
Okay.
I'm Franklin.
Selling tickets.
Okay, okay.
Um was it was it uh uh uh EddieDeFonte Jr.

SPEAKER_05 (24:47):
Jr.
Jr.
Jr.
Oh boy Kevin What's your movie?
Uh I'm probably the same moviethat I like watching, is Secret
Life of Walter Mitty.
Yep.

SPEAKER_07 (24:55):
True.
Okay.
Okay.
You're such an interestingcharacter.

SPEAKER_05 (24:59):
That's what my therapist says.

SPEAKER_07 (25:00):
You're very you're such an interesting character.
I I love it though.
I love it.
I don't think your therapistcalls.

SPEAKER_04 (25:06):
I don't know the name of the movie.
This nigga therapist calls themweird.

SPEAKER_05 (25:11):
Not weird.
You don't say weird.

SPEAKER_03 (25:13):
That's the nigga that's interesting.
That's the polite way to sayweird.
Yes.
Listen.

SPEAKER_02 (25:17):
But I've been I've been interesting my whole life.

SPEAKER_00 (25:20):
Well, yeah, right.
Ain't nothing wrong with it.

SPEAKER_07 (25:22):
Ain't nothing wrong with it.
Um, I don't know the name of themovie, and I don't want to hear
no shit.
But the Tyler Perry movie wherethe woman had the husband and
the husband was like boring asfuck, and then she cheated on
him with the nigga that thatshit.
She cheated.
That's my whole Oh, she cheatedon him with the motherfucker
with AIDS?
With the nigga with the not theAIDS part, but the rest of that
shit is my whole setup rightnow.

(25:43):
She has a nigga that wasn'tremembering the birthday, then
she got with the nigga, thenigga was excited, and that
nigga turned out to be crazybecause that nigga just did not
want, yeah.
Whole setup.
Temptation.
You wouldn't be a Tyler Perrymovie.
I'm probably like three of themmotherfuckers.
In different stages of life, I'mprobably a different Tyler Perry
movie.

SPEAKER_03 (25:58):
At first, I thought you were gonna say I can do bad
by myself.
You had it, you had you had anigga in the bathtub at home.

SPEAKER_07 (26:03):
Listen, Christina! Christina's gone.
I love that movie.
She packed up all her things andsome of yours.
That bitch left.
I love that fucking movie.
But yes, temptation right nowbecause because I had the nigga,
the nigga was boring, and then Itried to give the nigga, I
thought the nigga was excited,and that nigga.

(26:24):
I don't smoke enough weed.
Life lessons.
I don't smoke enough weed.

SPEAKER_05 (26:28):
Tyler tried to tell you.

SPEAKER_04 (26:29):
He did.
He did.
He did.
I don't know.
They out here bashing WussWilson every day.
And they need to leave Russellalone.

SPEAKER_05 (26:37):
For quarterback, and yes.

SPEAKER_03 (26:39):
Need to talk about him, but they're talking about
him as a man.

SPEAKER_05 (26:43):
Oh, he's doing fine.
He's doing great.
He's doing just fine.

SPEAKER_02 (26:46):
We're talking about Sierra.
Yeah.
Yes.

SPEAKER_07 (26:49):
Quickly answer.
Do you think Russell Wilson isdoing the right thing by
changing that young man's lastname?

SPEAKER_03 (26:54):
That's not his decision.

SPEAKER_07 (26:57):
I I don't think there's a problem.
The daddy is trash.
That man has been stepping up asa father for him.
Or if the kids said he wanted tolet him be in unified in unified
with his family.

SPEAKER_03 (27:10):
I feel like the kid wanted to be included because he
was the only one in the namewithout the in the house without
the last name.

SPEAKER_07 (27:15):
Right.
He got the same first name asthe nigga still.
Y'all be all right.

SPEAKER_05 (27:19):
And he had to sign it.

SPEAKER_07 (27:21):
Exactly.

SPEAKER_05 (27:22):
It's not like he was like, nah.
He went, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (27:24):
All right, cool.
Oh yeah, that sounds good.
That makes sense.
Like, yeah.
Like, and that's the part thatpeople don't understand.
But it's usually the dadbeatdads that's having the problem
with it.

unknown (27:32):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (27:32):
Because the real dads is like, yeah, oh well,
fucking nigga.
I mean, whatever.
Like, but the dadbeat dads istripping, but I don't know.
But stupid.
Yeah.
But uh all I all uh laughsaside, we're gonna go ahead and
get a little bit serious here.
We're gonna speak about losstoday.
Um, be that loss of a job, lossof a loved one, um, just any

(27:52):
loss and and how it has impactedyour life.
Um, we're gonna start this way,since we uh did most things this
way.
What type of impact?

SPEAKER_00 (28:04):
No, you're good.

SPEAKER_03 (28:06):
Man brain, sorry.

SPEAKER_07 (28:07):
Okay, I'll be tired of you.
Okay, it really be you, okay,because you trigger him and then
he gets the starting, and I andthen he comes in.
Whoa, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_06 (28:19):
Pause, pause, like whatever.

SPEAKER_02 (28:24):
Someone read it like that yesterday.

SPEAKER_03 (28:26):
A lot of coming.

SPEAKER_02 (28:27):
What welcome back?

SPEAKER_07 (28:33):
I don't know, guys.
I'm nowhere in sight for any ofthe coming.
What type of loss impacted youthe most and how did you handle
it?
And when they asked what type ofloss, it's like family, job,
yourself.
Nick, did you lose yourmotherfucking self?

SPEAKER_02 (28:48):
It's it's the combination.
Uh, when I lost my dad, uh itwas uh something I wasn't
anticipating or ready for.
Um, but it it made me questionwho I was growing up because it
was just me and him for uh mostof my life.

(29:09):
So when he died, it just kind ofmade me question who I was.
So in turn I lost myself, andthen I was trying to figure out
uh who I was without beingJesse, the the barber son.
And uh then that realization iswhich was the hardest, is like

(29:31):
those those stories and those uhthose memories we have.
I it's minds alone to share, andwhen that shit hits you, it hits
you like like a ton of bricks atthose times because you realize
that no one else on this earthknows what the hell you're
talking about, and that exceptthat person.
When they're not here to havethat conversation with you,
kinda it kind of hit it's like ari a revolving door of whole

(29:51):
shit.
Like that's just it's just younow.
So all those the memories of usmoving and and uh the the
stories where it was just me andhim with the cops.
Or whatever, like it's justminds to to to have now.
And it's it's uh that's tryingto get back from that was the
the hardest loss I had to take.
It was just trying to realizethat I'm not uh the what I am

(30:14):
without him, and uh that that'sa it was a hard thing to go
through, but it I think it mademe stronger.

unknown (30:20):
Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (30:21):
You know, I agree.
Um, I wasn't on the podcast whenyou lost your dad, but we were,
I think that was kind of at thebeginning of us being friends.
That's kind of what made me youposting about um his last days
onto his transition is kind ofwhat brought my attention to
your page.
And just to have seen you growand elevate over that time, I
know you're making him proud.

(30:43):
Your elevation has been amazing.
I appreciate it.
I've watched every step of theway from you going through that,
starting to the healing process,buying your home, just elevating
with your family, having yourson, and just so many things
that I know he's so proud ofyou.

SPEAKER_00 (31:00):
I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_07 (31:01):
Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_05 (31:02):
You know what?
When you were saying that, Ithought some that's kind of like
in the moment now, like whileyou're dealing with that, that's
like it sucks.
But I'm like, I'm thinkingfurther along, like how cool
that is.
Like, you'll have things that'llpop up with your kids where you
can tell them and be like, oh,we was and then like you get to
keep that going, you know whatI'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 (31:21):
So it's like I gotta learn to be a better
storyteller.
Because my dad was thestoryteller, so I gotta learn to
be like him in storytellingbecause my storytelling You're a
rapper, nigga.
You got to yeah, I can write,yeah, but I can't like tell a
funny story in that sense, likeit's different.

SPEAKER_01 (31:37):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (31:37):
If I just tell you about a Milted Titty that I
might have may have seen in aprogress photo.

SPEAKER_06 (31:42):
Jesus Henry.
Oh gosh.
Uh I have pecs now, though.
Nigga, you.
You who is you?

SPEAKER_05 (31:58):
She's pointing for a while.

SPEAKER_07 (32:01):
But anyway, um What's it, Limb Biscuit?

SPEAKER_05 (32:03):
Limb Biscuit.
Go ahead, biscuit.
Um, she said biscuit, like alittle doggy.
Just go, please.
You know what?
I'll say I'll go with uh loss ofa friend, like not death, but
like in the the the losing of afriend, like not knowing that

(32:26):
was coming.
Pause.

SPEAKER_06 (32:29):
Um, because nobody thought that.

SPEAKER_02 (32:35):
I did.
Go ahead.
Continue on.
That's just me though.

SPEAKER_05 (32:39):
I told you whole life.
Triflex.
So it's like, yeah, it makes youquestion a lot of shit.
And uh yeah, think once youfigure out it's like you weren't
wrong in certain things andthings you did wrong, you could
you could like because you haveto think about everything.
It's so oh, because there'ssomebody you thought was gonna
be like lifelong, all thatstuff, and then it just oh,

(33:01):
okay, well, what the fuck?
But I guess that's that's life.
Oh, that's my phone.
Sorry.
You didn't hear that right.
Um, yeah.
That's what I'm gonna go with.

SPEAKER_02 (33:14):
It's I remember when uh Sejor passed, and I was
telling my dad that was likethat the one thing that uh
always sits in my head everytime we hear a loss again, is
like he's like, that was yourfirst one.
He's like, it's just gonna keephappening.
Uh and every time it happens,his voice that hits me, he's

(33:36):
like, Oh, that was your firstone.
Yeah, it's just gonna keephappening.
And like the realization in hisface when he said it was like,
Yeah, rip the band-aid off,nigga, it's just gonna keep it
just sucked that it was thatgoddamn young.
Yeah.
He said when I was, I think Iwas 19.
18, yeah, 19.

(33:57):
Yeah, I remember him sayingthat, I was like, shit, and he
just Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 (34:01):
I think in the fashion that that uh I you know
what I'm talking about.
Yeah, like the way that went, Iwas just like, what the fuck?
So it's like I don't know.
Like at first I kind ofquestioned shit, but like after
a while you get like calls andshit.
It's like you know you weresolid, so it's like fuck it.

(34:22):
Like I don't know how else toput it, like at that point.
Cause if I did some foul shit, Iget it.
It's like you gotta own that,but it's like yeah, nah dog, get
the fuck out of here with that.
I didn't, so it's cool.
We just went a different way,that's what I'll say.

SPEAKER_07 (34:41):
Let's go.

SPEAKER_03 (34:47):
I wouldn't say lost my grandparents, but that was
very impactful uh to me, but Ithink what's been the most
impactful is probably uh uh lastyear when I lost myself and I
had to figure out who I wasagain.
I think that was um a lot harderthan um losing my grandparents

(35:13):
because when I lost mygrandparents, I I still had I
still had what they taught me.
You know, when I lost myself, itwas kind of like trying to
figure out who I was or what Iwanted all over again.
So it was like a harder, a adeeper, a deeper hole to uh hole
to come out of than um justdealing with grief and and loss.
And it really wasn't like Ialways like I've said many, many

(35:35):
times, it forced me to look atmyself and and see where my life
was headed and what I wantedwhere and what was important and
reevaluate things.
So I think that's bad.

SPEAKER_02 (35:49):
Even that situation you had to deal with is
unfamiliar territory, because Idon't know too many people that
could tell you, oh, this is howyou maneuver that like that.
So you for you figuring thatout, like you done.

SPEAKER_07 (36:04):
I'm done.
Oh boy, okay.
Uh hell I done forgot the damnquestion.
I read it, okay.
Damn.
Okay.
Um forgot it shit.
Um, this year has been full ofloss for me.
I definitely lost my mindmyself.

(36:27):
I am in the process of losing myhusband at my own, because I
said so.
And um recently, three weeksago, I lost a baby, which is why
I have not been on the podcast,guys.
Um, those pregnancy losses areprobably a consistent worst for

(36:48):
me because it happens so often.
It's been going on for 15 years.
Um, I think they are what pushedme to lose my mind sometimes
because I'm recognizing um as Ias I go along, one that I I shut
people out.
I will tell you I'm cool whenI'm not.
And that is the time when youneed people most.

(37:08):
So I think those losses, butmore in particularly, this
particular pregnancy loss andthe one that I had in 2017 when
I lost my twins, were probablythe absolute worst and most
eye-opening ones that I'veactually experienced.
So there's my truth, and that'swhere I've been, y'all.

(37:29):
So don't nobody else write meand ask me where I'm at because
that's where I've been.

SPEAKER_03 (37:34):
So you've been telling people you outside.

SPEAKER_07 (37:35):
I I I just been like, I'm okay.
Yeah, I'll say, she outside.
I'll be back.
She outside, like Cardi said.
Okay.
Okay.
Um, but yeah, that's that'swhere I've where I have been
this entire time.
Um, have you lost a friendshipthat you thought would last
forever and what happened?
Let me go first.

(37:56):
Okay.
Because I swear to God, Ithought me and Tiffany was gonna
be old together.
And I am still flabbergastedthat she like my it's it's I
think what brought me to likerealization like how long I've
been that girl's friend is mysister, who is 10 years younger
than me.
Yes, Dominique.
I know my favorite.

(38:16):
Um, she mentioned and said, Iit's sad that you guys are not
friends no more, even for me,because I've known her as long
as I've known you.
And that that did something tome.
Like, I that I literally thoughtthat as long as we've been
friends, we'd be able to bounceback from anything.
I've had girls I've knownlonger, I mean, I've known less

(38:37):
time, that I've probably had amore of a falling out with that
we were able to be adult enoughto bounce back.
So the fact that me and herdon't even speak, her grandma is
sick and she didn't even tellme.

SPEAKER_06 (38:52):
Oh wow.

SPEAKER_07 (38:53):
And I'm very like, girl, like, girl.
Um, luckily, I still have a coolrelationship with her brother,
but girl, like nothing, nothingthat transpired between me and
her would have ever prepared mefor me and her not speaking
because not like we owe eachother money, or we whipped each
other's ass, or we slipped eachother's man or something like

(39:14):
that.
Um, so I'm still in utter shockthat we couldn't mend those
wounds.
So, yeah, that's that's the one.

SPEAKER_02 (39:29):
I'm gonna there's a couple, but there's this one I'm
gonna say specifically because Ihad a conversation with JC
recently about this.
Um, and it's since you said hername, I can uh Tyrell.
Um it's a trip because me andhim know each other since second
grade, and um and I you wouldnever think that uh we wouldn't

(39:54):
like be cool with each otherbecause of how long we known
each other, but and you thinkthe the reasoning behind it is
based off of essentially himbeing part of Primarica?
That shit's crazy to me.
And uh when you realize this islike multiple people that he's
no longer cool with because ofthat company is just like it's
mind-boggling to think aboutbecause you're thinking like,
nigga, we go back sinceelementary school.

SPEAKER_05 (40:16):
Over the insurance?
Yeah, that nigga take that shitto the spirit.
Yeah, like we're like cult shit.

SPEAKER_02 (40:22):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And when I didn't sign up, itbecame one of those, well, if
you're not with me, you'reagainst me, kind of things.
And it was like, nigga, likeit's but and then like I think
the turning point for me is whenuh Andreas was born, I had
invited him to come see see him,and he was still trying to sell
me on that shit.
And I was like, nigga, this isabout me to my son.

(40:45):
This has nothing to do with youtrying to sell me on something.
And that that's when I hit myyeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (40:53):
Well, maybe they done rubbed off on each other.

SPEAKER_02 (40:56):
Something I just know that shit.

SPEAKER_07 (40:57):
They used to date, that's why it's a his friend and
my friends, they were togetherfor a very long time.
So maybe they done rubbed off oneach other, but I do know he
does take that primary becauseyou take that shit seriously to
the spirit, baby.
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_05 (41:09):
Kev, it's the same as the the last shit that you
know.
I'm not speaking names.
Nigga told me to stay on myside, I'm gonna stay on my side.
Don't worry about it.
Like that's where I'm at.
So that's where I'm at.

SPEAKER_03 (41:23):
I don't think I lost any friends.
I don't I don't deem a lot ofpeople friends, so we know.

SPEAKER_02 (41:31):
We know, and I still I have the camera caught that
look, like he looked at her likeI don't give a fuck.

SPEAKER_07 (41:40):
It's because he knows he called me friend, and I
screenshot at that shit becauseI knew I was never gonna hear it
again, so I screenshotted it.

SPEAKER_03 (41:47):
Uh oh, I lost one friend, whatever.
Dez the diva.

SPEAKER_07 (41:49):
Nope, nope, nope, we locked in now.

SPEAKER_02 (41:53):
The fact that he looked at her when she said that
we we locked in now.
I'm not friends with Des.

SPEAKER_03 (41:58):
I'm friends with Desiree.
It's different.

SPEAKER_07 (42:00):
Whatever.
We are locked in.
No, we're not.
Yes, we are, and I'm locked inwith your wife.
I like her, she's just so likeabout to block you from all our
devices.
Nope, nope, I like her.
She's just so lit.
Like, I like her.
She's a vibe.

SPEAKER_03 (42:15):
Don't be a hater.

SPEAKER_07 (42:17):
I would never hate on my wife.
Don't hate her.
I'm trying to be a name.
Oh, okay, Kevin.

SPEAKER_00 (42:22):
Which no, the song's stuck in my head.

SPEAKER_07 (42:24):
How do you balance grieving what's um grieving
what's gone while movingforward?
Ooh.

SPEAKER_05 (42:32):
That's like I don't know.
I just have no choice.
That's how I feel.

SPEAKER_02 (42:35):
It sounds fucked up, but it's I I'll say for me, it
was easier when Alark was born.

SPEAKER_05 (42:41):
You got busy.
Yeah.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (42:43):
Distraction.
And it was just kind of like avoid that he filled when my dad
passed, where it was kind oflike for that whole however long
that was before, there was aweird void in my heart that when
Alark was born, it kind of like,okay, I guess this was supposed
to take the place of that.
And I took I took peace in that.

SPEAKER_03 (43:05):
Okay, I can rock with that.
Because like when I had mydepression spell and I was
really depressed, and I feellike the ultimatum my wife gave
me kind of snapped me out of itand had me, got me to a level of
maintaining.
But then when she got pregnant,that like pushed my like my
effort and my drive into likeoverdrive.

SPEAKER_06 (43:23):
Okay.
Nice.

unknown (43:24):
Okay.

SPEAKER_03 (43:24):
And now I wish she that that girl cost too much
money.

SPEAKER_06 (43:27):
Leave her alone.
Okay.

SPEAKER_03 (43:30):
She's about to be an Ellis.
You can you can change her lastname.
We're done.
You can change your last name toEllis.
No, she can come visit.
No, she can stay.
Come visit, whenever.
Because at 17, we're gonna moveout next year, so you're gonna
have a room free.

SPEAKER_05 (43:44):
So I no, that's an office.
Because we gotta make money.

SPEAKER_07 (43:48):
Why she gotta don't make her move out next year.
Well, you're making her do nextyear.
She went to college.

SPEAKER_05 (43:53):
Nah, she don't believe in that shit.

SPEAKER_07 (43:55):
She just said, fuck it.
I'm gonna.

SPEAKER_05 (43:56):
Yeah, she wanna go live with her dad.

SPEAKER_07 (43:58):
Oh, okay.
Do he live for her?
Because I tell her when she gother drivers.

SPEAKER_05 (44:01):
You live in Vegas.

SPEAKER_07 (44:02):
No, I told that girl when she got her drivers, like
she needs to drive me around.
Now she's trying to move toVegas.
I'm about to talk to her.

SPEAKER_02 (44:07):
Yeah, I mean or you could move to Vegas.

SPEAKER_05 (44:10):
Hang out to Vegas in Vegas and then have her drive
you around.

SPEAKER_07 (44:14):
You think I need a DD?
I'm so goddamn tired of America.
I'm I'm fucking Vegas.
I'm finna be in Thailand withHerman.

SPEAKER_05 (44:20):
Herman?
Like Sebastian.

SPEAKER_07 (44:22):
Sebastian?

SPEAKER_05 (44:22):
Oh, yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_07 (44:24):
Right over.

SPEAKER_05 (44:24):
I was thinking uh Nope, I know nope, nope, nope
politics.
That's like Herman.

SPEAKER_07 (44:29):
Did everybody answer?

SPEAKER_05 (44:30):
Yeah, I think I did.

SPEAKER_07 (44:32):
But you uh my nigga, I knew that.
That's why I asked if y'allanswered so I can get my answer.
God damn.
Think about it.

SPEAKER_03 (44:45):
Three niggas answers already.

SPEAKER_07 (44:46):
I don't, I I don't balance grieving well.
That's the that's the that's thethat's the fucking answer.
I don't balance it well.
I thought I was balancing itwell because I would have a
miscarriage and then go to work.
Miscarriage, go to work, go backto daily life, go back to
whatever, whatever.
This miscarriage here, uh-uh.
Um, I'm learning now how tobalance grieving because I be

(45:09):
like, oh Jesus, the the thewrong customer gonna catch me on
the right day.
And it's just gonna be That's meor like whatever.
And I think it's I think it'swhat it is, and and and and and
and this is for specifically forthe women.
I think as women, and not inparticularly when they have men

(45:29):
like you three, but some of thejust like typical type of men,
women have to get up, we stillhave to work.
If you have children, you stillhave to be a mom.
If you um are the breadwinner,which in a lot of households,
women are the breadwinner.
What was that?

SPEAKER_03 (45:45):
What is what was that?

SPEAKER_07 (45:46):
My house.
You still have I still Icouldn't take time off work to
grief.
I couldn't, because if I did,then my bills wouldn't get paid.
So I didn't have an opportunityto say, hey, like my mental is
fucking suffering right now.
And a lot of times when yousuffer this type of loss, people
have no fucking idea what to sayto you.
And I say that because, and letme be very clear.

(46:10):
And although I have some of themost amazing female friends, it
is the male friends that havestepped up for me.
You three and Damien, um, whichis a long-term friend of mine.
Um, and then I have anotherfriend, I'm not gonna say his
name because he has his ownplatform.
I don't know if he wants me tosay his name, but have been some

(46:31):
of the most amazing supporters.
And a lot of times you don't getthat because people don't know
what to say.
Even just you, the the men in mylife had the common sense to
just say, Hey, we love you,we're here, do you need
anything?
Yeah, everybody else tries tomake sense of it for you.
Well, you know, it wasn't God'stiming, and you know, and you

(46:54):
try again.
You could just do first of all,you can't tell people to try
again because if you've tried asmany times as I've tried, you
get tired at some point.
And you really shouldn't tellpeople it wasn't God's timing,
it wasn't in God's will, becauseit although I understand the
sentiments behind it, when yousay that to people, they start
to think shit like, well, Imean, crackheads have babies.

(47:16):
Like, nigga.

SPEAKER_05 (47:17):
I'm sorry, I get what you're saying, but like,
damn.

SPEAKER_07 (47:21):
Like, nigga, crackheads got babies, like it's
niggas, that's like we, and thetime that I'm in the bed and I'm
facing that I'm going to losethis baby, I'm watching the news
and if and you cryping the niggadone killed that damn baby, they
can't even find a motherfuckingbaby back.
And you can't convince me thatthat was in God's timing.
Also, if someone has atwo-year-old, God forbid, and
that kid passes, you're notgonna tell that mom that that

(47:43):
was in God's timing.
So balancing, balancing thatthat portion of grieving and not
lashing out on people for sayingshit, because I know they mean
well, but a lot of times peoplesay shit and they be having me
want to tell they ass theknuckle if you like.
Deadass.
Deadass.
I usually say I'm I literally bewanting to fuck people up.

SPEAKER_05 (48:03):
I just say I love you.

SPEAKER_07 (48:04):
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Like, and I just, you know, Ijust it was your wife though
that had me that put it intoperspective for me because I
kept saying I thought she wasabout to say she's the one.

SPEAKER_00 (48:15):
I was like, damn, man, no, no.

SPEAKER_07 (48:16):
No, no, no.
I kept saying, I'm okay, I'mokay.
It was your wife and him.
I kept saying, I'm okay, I'mokay, her first.
And she said, No, you're not,and it's okay that you're not.
Like, this shit ain't okay.
Like, and then I told him likesomething that I that was
bugging me, and he was justlike, Yeah, nigga, because you
ain't cool.

(48:37):
Like, you're not okay, nigga.
Like, and I'm just like, I uhyou right, nigga.

SPEAKER_06 (48:43):
Like, because you did, probably part of me.

SPEAKER_07 (48:48):
You did, because it not only made me cry, but I
giggled a little bit because Iwas like, this nigga do not
stray away from being a real assnigga, boy.
I tell you, even in his softestmoments, this nigga gonna be a
real nigga.
But yeah, it it is definitelyit's hard to grieve this.
It is hard to grieve this, andI'm doing it sober so I don't
become a crackhead, so I ain'tsmoked no weed and I ain't did

(49:10):
no drinking, but I swear to god,the weed is probably finna get
roped.
But hey, hey, but um, what aresome healthy coping uh
mechanisms that you've learnedthat you have um leaned on?

SPEAKER_03 (49:22):
Therapy.
That's all I got.

SPEAKER_07 (49:24):
You're fucking right.

SPEAKER_03 (49:25):
Everything else, everything I got else,
everything else is unhealthy.

SPEAKER_07 (49:28):
Yeah, therapy for sure.

SPEAKER_03 (49:30):
The gym for me.

SPEAKER_07 (49:31):
We see.

SPEAKER_03 (49:32):
That's unhealthy.
Is it?

SPEAKER_07 (49:34):
How?

SPEAKER_03 (49:35):
I'll tell you why I have to cut the camera off.

SPEAKER_02 (49:37):
Jesus Henry.
I just know it was healthierthan masturbating.

SPEAKER_00 (49:40):
Oh, why the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 (49:42):
Maybe I just know right now, I'm as I said, my
fucking shoulder was aching.
I'm like, goddamn, 40 years old.
Uh is that from the gym ormasturbation?
Both.
Possibly a combination, yeah.
I do kind of get Oh, you getnever mind.

SPEAKER_00 (50:02):
We we can stop this.

SPEAKER_07 (50:03):
Don't do that shit while you sit next to me.

SPEAKER_03 (50:06):
Oh shit.
You don't understand.
When you go to the gym, the sideeffect of working out like your
your drive, that shit hits amillion.

SPEAKER_02 (50:15):
Yeah, my shoulder is fucking throbbing right now.
Oh, from yeah, I can see that.

SPEAKER_03 (50:21):
Yeah.
All that goddamn testosterone,you'd be like, I'm trying to
take down everything I see.

SPEAKER_02 (50:26):
Yeah.
Like you try to push throughshit.
Sometimes you don't youshouldn't be trying to push
through shit.
Like, nigga, just take put lessweight on.
It's okay.

SPEAKER_07 (50:37):
Oh my goodness.
Did you did you did you answeruh uh the biscuit?

SPEAKER_05 (50:42):
I think uh creativity.
I gotta be it's a good outletfor me.

SPEAKER_07 (50:47):
Okay.

SPEAKER_05 (50:48):
Using whatever creativity I can use.
I'll fuck with the freestyles,by the way.
The 16?
I laughed at that because I waslike, that was 16 seconds.
Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (50:59):
I said, is this nigga rap?
Yeah, that's the same thing Isaid.

SPEAKER_02 (51:02):
He's because what Maurice told me, he was like,
Yeah, man, I saw Kevin Ross.
I said, nigga, y'all don't know.
That's that's Deuce Quattro.
It used to be Deuce the Raster.
Yeah, Deuce Yes.

SPEAKER_05 (51:14):
I had 16 seconds in me, like that's what That's what
she said.
Awesome.

SPEAKER_07 (51:18):
Um she never said, Who the fuck said they only had
16 seconds?
I wish.
Sure.

SPEAKER_03 (51:24):
Hey, look here.
I wish way less work.

SPEAKER_07 (51:29):
Nope, nope, nope.
We're not gonna go there.
What is one lesson or piece ofwisdom that you would pass on to
someone that's currentlystruggling with loss?

SPEAKER_03 (51:39):
You gotta talk about it.
You can't hold the you can'thold it in because all you're
gonna do is uh damage yourself.
You gotta talk about it.
It's like my therapist said, Yougotta make time before time
makes itself.

SPEAKER_07 (51:54):
Your therapist must be black.

SPEAKER_03 (51:55):
She is.
I know it.
She she be on my ass.

SPEAKER_07 (51:58):
I know it.
I know it.

SPEAKER_03 (51:59):
Um sometimes I'm like, I can't talk to you today.

SPEAKER_02 (52:08):
Uh do not detach it.
Is not always a healthy uh wayof dealing with shit.
Don't detach.

SPEAKER_03 (52:15):
Okay.

SPEAKER_07 (52:17):
Get the fuck out.
Okay.
Uh biscuit.

SPEAKER_05 (52:26):
Uh it's okay to like not be okay.
It's uh it's fine.
Sit in it.
Like, not like that, don't sitin it, but you know what I mean?
Like, feel that.

SPEAKER_06 (52:37):
Oh boy.

SPEAKER_02 (52:40):
Well, you said biscuit.
I was waiting for you to go.
Come on.
Come on, biscuit.

SPEAKER_07 (52:46):
I'm so fucking sorry.
It ain't even been a whole hour,y'all.
And I just I'm ready to go.
Uh shit.
Is it my is it me?
Yeah, it's you.
Yeah.
Um, okay, so all of my advice isgonna be centered around a loss
because that's what I'm dealingwith right now.
And um, ladies, give yourselfgrace.

(53:07):
It's not your fault.
It's it's definitely not yourfault.
Don't um beat up on yourself forthis.
Get very good doctors, get avery good doctor team and create
life with people that pour lifeinto you.
Because when you suffer theselosses, when you suffer really

(53:29):
anything in life, but when yousuffer these losses, you're
gonna want to be with someonewho at least tries to understand
where you're coming from enoughto be there for you, to be that
shoulder for you to cry on, tobe that person to provide a hug,
or you know, it is amazing tohave a team, but it's nothing
like having that person that youlost that child with be the

(53:52):
person that is front and center.
So be very mindful who you giveyour body to um because it's
gonna make a really bigdifference in your healing
process.
Heaven forbid this happens toyou.
So that's my word of advice.
And uh we're gonna wrap up.

(54:13):
But before we do that, I wanteverybody to give me 30 seconds
of encouragement and what youtake away from today.

SPEAKER_05 (54:21):
30 seconds?
30 seconds.
God damn, man.
Like, have you ever tried tostare at somebody for 30
seconds?
It's a long time.

SPEAKER_07 (54:28):
Yeah, I was at that first.

SPEAKER_05 (54:29):
Hell yeah, that's that concert, like well, if you
did it for 30 seconds, somebodywent, Hey, look at her.

SPEAKER_07 (54:37):
What the fuck wrong with her?
I would just get stuck and afterthey'd be like, it's your soul!

SPEAKER_05 (54:42):
And I would just be like, Did you say uh
encouragement?
Yeah, encouragement,encouragement, you're saying
encouragement.

SPEAKER_07 (54:57):
Um It don't have to be 30 seconds, even with you.

SPEAKER_05 (54:59):
Honestly, just it's I all I still feel that.
Like I've been writing with thisshit on my on my post, like from
back in uh my early comedy days,it's P wet.
And I really believe thatpositivity wins every time.
It's like even through allnegative shit, like you like you

(55:20):
live, you with that, the silverlining, all that shit.
There's always something.
Like even in bad shit.
So find it and just rememberpositivity wins every time.
It just does.
Mr.
Positivity.

SPEAKER_03 (55:32):
Yeah I'm just gonna say uh I know it's cliche, but
whatever it is, it sucks, but itcould be worse.
So talk about it.
Because it could always it nomatter how bad it is, it could
be taken a step further.
That's true.

unknown (55:49):
That's true.

SPEAKER_02 (55:50):
Like I said at the beginning before we started, was
the life is gonna keep life in,but the silver lining of it all
is that you're st you're living.
I mean, there's a lot of peopleain't living.
That's that's filled ingraveyards and and um stuck on
skid rows and or stalking, butyou're living your life, so as

(56:13):
long as you're living it, live.

SPEAKER_07 (56:15):
You said stalking?

SPEAKER_02 (56:16):
Stalking, yeah.
Stalking.
They're they're they're worriedabout other people's lives
instead of living theirs.

SPEAKER_05 (56:21):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (56:22):
So if you're living your life, yeah, you're doing
better than where everybody elseis.

SPEAKER_03 (56:27):
You got a lot of people that's living there ain't
living.

SPEAKER_02 (56:29):
That's what I'm saying.
So as long as you're living yourlife.

SPEAKER_03 (56:32):
And you got some people on skid roll that want to
be there.

SPEAKER_06 (56:34):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (56:35):
I've seen some happy people on skid roll, yeah,
that's true.

unknown (56:38):
Huh.

SPEAKER_05 (56:38):
But they living, fuck it.
Like, because that's what it is.
Two tears in the bucket.

SPEAKER_07 (56:45):
My my word of encouragement, ladies, is to
advocate for yourself in inevery aspect.
Um, in like I mentioned earlier,in the medical aspect,
especially if you're a blackwoman.
No shade to anybody else, butespecially if you're a black
woman, because they do not, theyain't looking out for us, y'all.
The the doctor is to black womenwith the police is to black men.

(57:09):
So definitely um advocate foryourself.
And don't be afraid to say whatyou need from others.
Like, if you need time, if youjust need to vent, if you need a
hug, if you need love, support,don't be afraid to to tell your
team this is hey, this is whereI need you to show up for me.
Because holding this in isgonna, boy, I tell you, I made

(57:33):
the mistake of not ever lettingout what I honestly feel felt in
these moments, and now I'mpaying for it because now, eight
babies later, 15 years later,I'm grieving for all of them.
I almost got through the wholedamn episode.
God damn.

SPEAKER_03 (57:51):
Um, you know you're a softy, you gonna cry no matter
what.

SPEAKER_07 (57:55):
It's because I haven't been smoking weed, okay?

SPEAKER_05 (57:57):
Well then, yeah, you gotta let it feel.

SPEAKER_07 (58:00):
I we're gonna wrap up right now, but I do want to
say one thing.
My granny girl got out of thehospital and she watches our
podcast.
So shout out to my granny.
What up, granny?
Okay, because she's strong ashell.
And you go, girl.
Super proud of you, Miss Peggy.
And thank you guys for coming inand watching and continuing to
support us.
Make sure that you like, share,subscribe, comment.

(58:21):
All that shit.
Respond to the shit I be askingy'all everything.
And until next time, peace.

SPEAKER_04 (58:27):
Peace.