Bobby Creekwater

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This episode is a raw conversation about what strength looks like when you’ve spent your whole life in survival mode. We talk about childhood trauma, unspoken grief, and the pressure on Black men to stay composed at all times.

We also unpack how we process pain, where we find peace, and what happens when we finally stop pretending everything is fine. If you’ve ever felt like you had to hold it all in, this one will hit home.

Thanks for tapping in with The Heavyweight Podcast.
Make sure you follow, subscribe, and share with someone who needs this convo. Catch us on all socials for clips, updates, and more behind the mic. https://linktr.ee/TheHeavyweightPodcast

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Heavyweight Podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:04):
The message behind saying the title of the
Heavyweight Podcast is to beable to say that we can weigh in
on some heavy shit.
What we're talking about isimportant from every aspect of
it.
It's a heavy weight.
It's not just about physicalweight, but the weight of things
that can weigh our minds.
So I think it's dope that wecan have this conversation.
So I think it's dope that wecan have this conversation.

Speaker 3 (00:27):
One, two, three, I got six extra buttons plus the
regular buttons, plus I got thequick one.
It's a lot of fucking buttons.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
I mean it's practice right for other things.

Speaker 3 (00:43):
Get them fingertips strong is that for a computer or
what?
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (00:49):
I do think the PlayStation has the best
controllers out.

Speaker 3 (00:53):
I didn't believe that I have the PlayStation Pro
controller.
I like it.
I just don't.
I'm in my era where I'm notpaying for PlayStation Plus.
I understand, Because with thecomputer I just have to play the
games.

Speaker 1 (01:04):
I'm in my era where I'm not paying for PlayStation
Plus.

Speaker 3 (01:07):
I understand.
With the computer, I just haveto buy the game.
Online is free and I can stillplay with my friends.

Speaker 1 (01:14):
I need to just cancel all my subscriptions.
I got to cut my shit down.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
What's good.
This is episode 213 of theHeavyweight Podcast.
Yay, I am your anti-social host, but never your favorite
Stutter.
What's good.
This is episode 213 of theHeavyweight Podcast.
Yay, yay, I am your anti-socialhost, but never your favorite.
Stutter McFly back again withthese two guys.
Go ahead and state your namefor the beautiful people out
here.

Speaker 3 (01:34):
It's your boy.
Positivity.

Speaker 2 (01:37):
That's something you do after a positive yeah, shoot
him what do you do after anegative?

Speaker 1 (01:44):
Fuck, yeah.
Yeah, you can do that after apositive too.
I'm just your drunk uncle KevinWelcome.

Speaker 2 (01:59):
I want to go outside.

Speaker 3 (02:00):
Your drunk uncle Up there talking to himself.

Speaker 2 (02:02):
Up there talking to himself, howomond, if a duke Up
there talking to himself.
How are your weeks?

Speaker 3 (02:08):
Good man, you know.
Good Good, you know.
Football season is back.
Eagles.
Where is that?
You know?
Like my boy Jazzy said rangesleet or slow Eagles train to go
.
That's where I'm at.

Speaker 1 (02:26):
Mine was good until now.
What's?

Speaker 3 (02:29):
wrong.
My boy Jazzy said range sleetor slow Eagles train to go.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
That's where I'm at.
Mine was good until now.
What's wrong?
You, niner, fan All thatbullshit.
It was great until he said allthat bullshit.
It's going to be a season, huh,y'all got the Super Bowl Let us
have something.

Speaker 3 (02:37):
Hey man, we're trying to run it back, we hoping.
I mean, I can't say it's goingto do it.
I can't say we're going to doit.
I'm just going to say I alwayshope to win.
You heard what Cam said.
Cam said a lot of stupid shit.
I hope all my teams win.

Speaker 1 (02:50):
I do agree with Gilly , though the nigga wearing a bow
tie with a jersey.
You look ridiculous.

Speaker 3 (03:01):
Yes, I'm actually excited for basketball season
this year.

Speaker 1 (03:04):
How excited, I actually might watch oh man, he
gave you, I gave you I did.

Speaker 3 (03:10):
I'm so excited I actually might watch a couple
games this year which game,which team my.
Lakers, oh okay, my Dodgers,them Dodgers been fucking up man
you guys is tripping, dodgerfans are tripping.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
They fucking up, man you guys is tripping.

Speaker 3 (03:25):
Dodger fans are tripping.
You see that they fucking up,bro.
They let Come on, bro.
We lost two games.
We just lost what when you?

Speaker 1 (03:30):
at when you guys at in the standings.

Speaker 3 (03:31):
Second place right now.

Speaker 1 (03:32):
Oh my God, that's so bad it ain't first.
It's so bad.
If you ain't first, you last.
They tripping, they got.

Speaker 3 (03:39):
First by such a commanding lead.

Speaker 1 (03:42):
Now we in second place.
You sound like when we had Kobeon the Lakers, like when niggas
you ain't in first.

Speaker 3 (03:51):
Nah, I gave Kobe slack because I know he was
playing with a bunch of bumsSpeaking of Kobe.

Speaker 2 (03:53):
We didn't even say happy birthday.
Oh yeah, happy birthday To Kobe.

Speaker 3 (03:58):
Two weeks later now.
Yeah, we still got to say itShit.
Yeah, we still got to say it weain't got shit.

Speaker 2 (04:02):
He's on the elevator Right there.

Speaker 3 (04:03):
You know what I'm saying.
We got to say something Alwaysin our hearts.
It's always Mamba Day.

Speaker 2 (04:07):
Did you see that commercial where they had his
daughter?

Speaker 3 (04:13):
The one that just graduated.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
Yeah, yeah, where they did the whole Kobe shoe
release, I said that's dope whoelse to approve of the Mamba
mentality.

Speaker 1 (04:26):
A Mamba to approve of the mamba mentality than a
mamba themselves.
My week was pretty great,Pretty great.
I'm older, so things creak alittle more but that's okay.
I realized that when I wastrying to drink on my birthday
and that's the case.

Speaker 2 (04:38):
They call me Bobby Creekwater.

Speaker 1 (04:43):
I was drinking some creek water.

Speaker 3 (04:45):
No.

Speaker 1 (04:46):
If things.

Speaker 2 (04:47):
I was drinking some creek water.
Things are squeaking a littlebit.
I'm approaching 40, oh god soonsoon soon what we do.

Speaker 3 (04:56):
We turn it up soon yeah, I'm turning up the volume
on the tv I'm not just in avolume we're gonna, we, we gonna
hit the uh, the 40 over uhstrip club if the strip club is
the basketball court at my gym,then yeah wow, is that what's a
40 year old over strip club?

Speaker 1 (05:15):
all the strips are 40 .
No one's going there, no one'sgoing to that strip club.

Speaker 2 (05:22):
It's triggered my soul you went to a 40-year-old
strip club, no I walked into thelocker room and then
motherfuckers dick was out.

Speaker 1 (05:30):
I was like man Come on man, we're not talking about
that.
I'll be trying to forget.
Oh you talking about that, dude.
I was like where was this?

Speaker 2 (05:35):
I walked in the gym and I was like, nigga, this is
the common area, got your dickout.

Speaker 1 (05:40):
They don't give a fuck it was an older guy.

Speaker 2 (05:43):
No, he was our age or maybe younger, but he was a big
black dude.

Speaker 3 (05:49):
And I was just like nigga, like them old
motherfuckers don't give a fuckthey be in there just dick
swinging.

Speaker 2 (05:53):
That conversation is.
I gotta stop saying older guys,because now we're in the older
guy.
Damn, can I be doing that with?

Speaker 1 (05:59):
women.
I'm like I'm fucked up becauseI was like damn.
She's like like life didn'ttreat her right, and then I'm
like that was probably the sameage as me they probably saying
the same thing as me, yeah.

Speaker 2 (06:09):
I always think about that when I'm like describing
something, like I'll be likeMaurice, did you see so?
And so who's like describingI'll be like you know, she's
like older and you be, you know,and you're like.
Then you think about the age.
You're like nigga, she'sprobably Probably mid-30s.
Yeah, I'm saying older and I'mabout to be 40.

(06:30):
Like it's.

Speaker 1 (06:32):
Oh yeah.

Speaker 3 (06:32):
Yeah, in a couple weeks I'll be the only one here
still in their 30s.

Speaker 1 (06:35):
But the flight, our trip to Hawaii too you did.
We're broke, it's gone, we justspend it, there's nothing left.

Speaker 3 (06:51):
Why are you going to leave me the key to the truck?
I don't want him just sittingthere.

Speaker 1 (06:54):
No, I'm going to fly away.

Speaker 2 (06:59):
Approaching fucking 40.

Speaker 1 (07:00):
Yeah, man, that's got to be great.

Speaker 2 (07:04):
That's the smallest I've been in.
That's gotta be great.
The smallest I've been in 15years.

Speaker 3 (07:10):
That's good.

Speaker 1 (07:10):
That's a good way to go in so 40 is the new 30?

Speaker 3 (07:12):
Pause.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
I said that's a good way to go in, but that's why I
paused.

Speaker 2 (07:16):
Yeah, I haven't been this size since I was early 20s.

Speaker 1 (07:22):
The math ain't mathin'.
That's your mid-twenties,remember?

Speaker 2 (07:25):
we older now, nigga oh yeah, welcome yeah but yeah,
it's it's a good feeling yeah,that's the trip.
But yeah, other than that, justwork and processing the process
of elimination, because Idefinitely want to come up with

(07:45):
some music.
Oh, I did shoot, I did record averse, that's what's up oh nice
for uh, shout out to mastergreen and blunt wise, is it?
I want to say blunt.
I'm gonna just call me bluntbecause I I can't you know how
certain people have certain ways.
Like, I don't want to mess upyeah, so I'm gonna say blunt,
yeah, um, but yes, they had asong that he want me on his, on

(08:07):
his project, and I master green,so it's all in a green family.
Uh produced it, so it's it's.
It's kind of fun to be a part ofsomething, or people actually
be part of things, and it makesyou feel like you know, no
matter how much older I get,that you know music, my music,
still be music for people.

(08:28):
Because when people talk to mesometimes I'll be thrown, like
the respect that they have aboutit, and I'll be like, damn
nigga, I didn't know you feltthat way about how I rap.
We never talk about it, so it'dbe some random rapper.
Oh, man, to have you on therewould be like it's just survive
man, it's dope man.

Speaker 1 (08:42):
To have you on there would be like it's just, it's a
vibe man, it's dope, I'd be likedamn, I just like rapping.
Well, that's why that happens,Because you enjoy rapping.

Speaker 3 (08:51):
We should put out a heavyweight album.

Speaker 1 (08:54):
Well, you know what I'm planning on doing.
I think I told him.

Speaker 3 (08:56):
No, you two can rap.
You know what I told you right,I'll do my AI raps Right there,
figure it out.

Speaker 1 (09:01):
right, there Is four by four.
Good, or is that?

Speaker 2 (09:03):
As long as I don't feel claustrophobic, I'm with it
.

Speaker 1 (09:06):
Because I was going to do three by four, but I think
four by four is good, I'm goingto be in here like Draco my
Blackberry.

Speaker 2 (09:10):
And then the rule is going to apply that applies to
the Gill household.
No farting in the booth.

Speaker 1 (09:17):
Well, I'll do it.
While y'all ain't here, I I'llput a humidifier in there, not a
humidifier, what do you call it?
The filter, fart in the filter.
Yeah, you don't want humidfarts yeah, that shit that
lingers.

Speaker 2 (09:32):
I'm going to go ahead nigga been farting in here.

Speaker 3 (09:34):
Huh, I'm going to go ahead and text Des and tell her
get her bars ready remember shesaid she's going to have me
ghost write for her.
Oh, shit damn lazy ghostwritefor her.

Speaker 1 (09:43):
Oh shit, damn lazy, I'm gonna let Chad, that's not
lazy, I'm gonna let Chad do mine.
Then that's lazier.

Speaker 2 (09:48):
So before we get into the shenanigans, the niggins,
the shenanigans.
I'm gonna do some questions tosee if these men have the
answers to get their brainsworking.

Speaker 3 (10:00):
You don't have the answers Sway.
No, we don't.
You don't have the answer sway.
No, we don't.
You don't have the answer sway.
It never works till it's toolate.

Speaker 1 (10:13):
no, that's not a pause, that's the old thing.
I'm 41, yeah, I can say thatnow taking them blue pills.
I can say that now, oh, yeah,I've been taking those, but not
because I need them, it's justwhen you want to come in there
like that whoa pause.
Hey, not a pause on that, nevermind, yeah, he snapped
Divulging too much, but you know.
That's like PEDs.

Speaker 2 (10:33):
What's stronger than still, but can break you if you
ignore it.

Speaker 1 (10:37):
We just talked about it.

Speaker 3 (10:40):
Never mind.

Speaker 1 (10:42):
Pause, nigga.
Yes, that's a pause, you right?
Is this a riddle?

Speaker 2 (10:49):
it's a riddle and it has an answer.
What's stronger than steel butcan break you if you ignore it?

Speaker 3 (10:56):
uh pain close time no , that don't make sense.
I don't think time is strong,it's I mean, it is I would say
pain don't be rolling he alwaysbe doing that shit.

Speaker 1 (11:08):
What stupid nigga.
I don't got nothing if he gotpain and that's close, that's
close.

Speaker 2 (11:16):
You want to.
You want to know what it is?
Yeah, absolutely failurestronger than steel.

Speaker 1 (11:23):
They do hurt, they do hurt.
Okay, I see where we're going.

Speaker 2 (11:29):
Gotta get some re-roll, who said the greatest
glory in living lies not innever failing, but rising every
time we fall this is history,nigga.

Speaker 1 (11:40):
I don't know.
Should we know this?
We should know this, huh asniggas we should.

Speaker 2 (11:45):
Is it one know this?
We should know this, huh, asniggas we should.
Is it one of those we should?

Speaker 1 (11:47):
know this, huh, as niggas we should.
It was not Denzel.
Say it again.
Say it again it was a black guy.

Speaker 2 (11:53):
Alright, I said the greatest glory in living lies
not in never falling but inrising every time we fall was it
Malcolm X?

Speaker 3 (12:04):
no, I was gonna say Frederick Douglass.
Was it Martin Luther King?

Speaker 1 (12:08):
No.
Close to Marcus Garvey no.

Speaker 3 (12:11):
Was it.

Speaker 1 (12:11):
Huey.

Speaker 2 (12:12):
No.
Was it Farrakhan?

Speaker 1 (12:14):
No, yeah, I was going to say oh, Dr Umar.
He turned away so quick.

Speaker 2 (12:23):
It was Nelson Mandela oh.

Speaker 3 (12:24):
Damn.

Speaker 1 (12:25):
Nelson.

Speaker 3 (12:26):
Mandela Damn I'm bad, yeah, we bad, shout out.

Speaker 1 (12:28):
Hey, good you know rest in peace.

Speaker 2 (12:33):
Which famous athlete said I've failed over and over
again in my life and that is whyI succeed.
This one should be easy.

Speaker 1 (12:39):
This is sad.
It's Michael Jordan, right.
Yeah, that's sad.
We couldn't even do NelsonMandela, we know them Jordans,
though nigga Niggas know Jordans.

Speaker 2 (12:48):
That's what's up.
If you're not falling, you'renot trying hard enough, Kobe.

Speaker 3 (12:56):
That's what Rob guessed.

Speaker 1 (12:57):
I don't know who said it.
Oh, you're just telling us oh,I was just trying to guess it.
If you're just telling us oh,oh, I was just trying to guess
it.
If you're not falling, thatsound like some Tony Hawk shit
what's one thing you can'tborrow?
I would say time or buy.

Speaker 2 (13:18):
I would say time but you earn it every day respect
yep that works.

Speaker 3 (13:26):
that's all the options.
It every day Respect Yep.
That works.
I had to ask about the options.
What's your other options?

Speaker 1 (13:32):
I would say confidence, effort, effort.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (13:38):
Can you earn effort?
Yeah, you can, because the moreeffort you put in, the more you
putting it in though.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (13:45):
Pause.

Speaker 3 (13:51):
And respect starts by winning yourself over that's
the same.
No, I'm just doubling down.

Speaker 2 (13:55):
Okay, no, I like that .
I do like that.
What's the name of a blackinventor who locked himself in a
room with a peanut shell tofind a way to make a product?

Speaker 3 (14:08):
George Washington Carver.
Yes.

Speaker 2 (14:10):
So you guys both got an answer Yay.

Speaker 1 (14:13):
What's that show?

Speaker 3 (14:15):
I think it's Hebrew shit.

Speaker 1 (14:18):
Where they do this stupid ass show where the lady
wins.
What's her name?

Speaker 2 (14:21):
I was going to say Nibia, I was like no that's Lil
Wayne's, kim Wayne's.

Speaker 1 (14:26):
No, it's the whatever the New York people are, ebro
in the morning.

Speaker 2 (14:30):
Ebro in the morning Hot 97.

Speaker 1 (14:35):
Whoever it is, they have her, she always wins, oh
yeah.

Speaker 3 (14:39):
Angie Martinez?
No, she ain't with them.

Speaker 2 (14:42):
But it's Ebro in the morning, isn't it?
Yeah, martinez, no, she ain'twith them, but it's ibra on the
morning isn't it.
Yeah, yeah, all right, ready wedon't know shit about new york,
rain, rain, working, working,working, bringing working.

Speaker 3 (14:50):
I think nigga nigga working.

Speaker 2 (14:51):
They're working, their brain working I don't know
about that brain working.
All right, let's go.
What does the world against mefeel like?

Speaker 1 (15:00):
in one word, the world against me in one word.
The world against me in oneword, one word.

Speaker 3 (15:12):
Just the one word.
That's the problem.

Speaker 1 (15:15):
I feel like failure.

Speaker 3 (15:16):
Trial Trial Failure.

Speaker 2 (15:20):
Failure First start when you wake up and you don't
feel safe in your own skin.

Speaker 3 (15:28):
Here we go again.

Speaker 2 (15:30):
I thought you were answering something else, so
that's your answer.
Here we go again.
Okay, sad, but I can sympathize.
That resonates with me.

Speaker 1 (15:41):
I'm probably going to go get the smoke.

Speaker 2 (15:46):
The weed or the no, not the cigarettes and weed.

Speaker 1 (15:49):
Oh yeah, did you say the burner?

Speaker 2 (15:54):
Like you might go find some smoke, that's what.
Go out and find me, yeah.

Speaker 1 (15:58):
No, that's the wake and bake sesh.

Speaker 2 (15:59):
I don't feel like I'm on my own skin.
Grab me the burner.

Speaker 1 (16:02):
Yeah, I think that's a wake and bake sesh for me.

Speaker 2 (16:05):
I didn own skin and grab me the burner.
Yeah, I think that's a wake andbake session for me.
I didn't answer either yet soI'm gonna say that I feel like
the world against me is.
When I said, the one word thatcomes to me is andy feeling like
the world.
Are you just saying that's howyou feel?
That's no, that's what I saidwhen I think of that.
So that's just andy, so andy iswhat comes to mind when I think
of that.
Um, and first thing, andy.
So Andy is what comes to mindwhen I think of that.

(16:26):
First thing I don't feel likewaking up in my own skin is gym.

Speaker 1 (16:30):
That's a good one.

Speaker 2 (16:31):
Go to the gym.
In my mind it's just gym.
That's the first thing thatcomes to mind.
I don't feel comfortable in myown skin Gym.
Strong black man or human beingfirst.

Speaker 1 (16:45):
I'm always human.
Yeah, everything can be Everyhuman.
Yeah, it's human.

Speaker 2 (16:52):
I'll tell you how I feel once I've emptied out my
bowels in the morning.
So it can go either way.
So I'll say human being first.

Speaker 1 (17:00):
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 (17:03):
Because I mean, I got to be a strong black man
sometimes and you know, like,push through.
You know the shit.
Yeah, high protein diets aredifferent, okay, um, who do you
call when the weight gets heavy?

Speaker 3 (17:21):
ghostbusters.
You call the ghost.

Speaker 2 (17:24):
Ghostbuster when the shit gets heavy.

Speaker 1 (17:27):
Slimer Call.

Speaker 2 (17:32):
Yeah, who do you call when the weight gets heavy?

Speaker 3 (17:35):
I normally call my wife.

Speaker 1 (17:38):
I'm doing better at that, cause.
I used to Call no one.

Speaker 2 (17:42):
I'm bad at that, like Alicia Keys.
No one, no, she called Swiss.

Speaker 1 (17:45):
Because I used to call no one, I'm bad at that,
like Alicia Keys.
No one.
No, she called Swiss Clearly,or Swiss my bad.
That was white as fuck, was itthough?

Speaker 3 (17:57):
Swiss beats.
It's like Little John.
If that nigga's in the room,please don't have a tambourine.

Speaker 2 (18:11):
Who, little John, no Swiss beats.
Oh you don't.
If that niggas in the room,please don't have a tambourine
shit.

Speaker 1 (18:14):
Oh, little john, no, so speaks you don't like that,
so you don't like that.
I don't like any of his hooks.

Speaker 2 (18:20):
I would like, do you repeat shit way too much.
That is true, that is very true.

Speaker 1 (18:22):
All his hooks are that that repeat shit except
A-Rab money.

Speaker 2 (18:25):
That's my shit nah, you fancy huh that shit's racist
that is yeah, got my drink inmy two step my drink in my you
remember Missy doing that shiton her song, that racist ass
shit.

Speaker 1 (18:44):
But she's like my two-step, my drink and my.
Remember Missy doing that shiton her song that racist-ass shit
, when she was like boys boys,all kinds of boys.

Speaker 2 (18:50):
Black, white, asian Chinese boys.
That's pretty racist.

Speaker 1 (18:55):
Missy, we can't do that.

Speaker 3 (18:57):
Because the I mean you want to separate China from
Asia.

Speaker 2 (19:01):
Yeah, you said your wife.
You said yeah.
I said I.
I concur I'm trying to dobetter at calling, but I usually
just deal with shit myself alot.
What's harder being silentabout pain or being vulnerable
about it?

Speaker 3 (19:17):
Vulnerable.

Speaker 1 (19:21):
Um, I think both, because I feel like once you're
vulnerable, it's hard to bevulnerable, but it's good.

Speaker 2 (19:30):
But the silent shit is harder over time if that
makes sense, yeah that's how Iyeah, that's what I'm working on
, yeah it's harder for me to bevulnerable because I feel like
it makes me feel weak, butthat's just the frame of mind.

(19:51):
Growing up, tough military dadis like nigga, suck that shit up
, nigga, and fucking get throughit, as opposed to you realizing
, nigga.
I need to talk about my pain.
I need to talk about the shitthat's making me feel
uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 (20:05):
Yeah, I gotta work on that right, because I'll have
moments where I'm like like it'sa bad moment and I'm just like,
and it's just gone, and you'relike you can't be doing that,
that's just, you just sucked ina heart attack.
Stop, that's.
I mean that's true.
I just know I mean that's true.

Speaker 3 (20:27):
I just know.

Speaker 2 (20:27):
Yeah, I just realized that it's not good for you know
your mental health in the longrun and your physical health
because it can end up leading toearly death.

Speaker 1 (20:36):
Together yeah.

Speaker 2 (20:39):
So Alrighty Ever felt punished for just existing.
I feel like that all the time.
Shit, yeah.
I feel like people don't wantme to be me.

Speaker 3 (20:53):
I think it's just the default expectations.
You know what I feel like.
A lot of these expectations tryto dehumanize who you are as a
man.

Speaker 1 (21:05):
I've been doing a lot of these expectations try to
dehumanize who you are as a man.
I've been doing a lot of notreflecting.
It would be more appreciatinglately, like, instead of looking
at God, I'm not where I want tobe or I'm not at that like.

(21:25):
I've been doing a lot more oflike damn hell, yeah, look at
where you're at, like that's,that's kind of dope, like it's I
just try to look at it that way, yeah because this, yeah, I
just look at shit and I'mbecause like I'm in like a
crossroads with certain thingsand I'm just like this isn't a
bad thing, though like that'sjust stressing me out, but then
it's like you have opportunity,which is awesome.

(21:47):
So it's like trying to figurethat out.
Sorry, I'm just no, it's all.

Speaker 3 (21:50):
No, sometimes you got to realize, understand that
your problems ain't as bad asother people's problems.

Speaker 1 (21:56):
Yeah, or how we may think about it, yeah my bad.

Speaker 2 (21:58):
Yeah, that just popped in and it's like I try to
praise my dad as much aspossible, but there are a lot of
bad times with my dad that Ihad to go through, and even on

(22:23):
her watch when I'm not around.
Uh, like when you find out thatyour dad had a conversation
with your mom about me and itwas, in a sense, where he called
me a dumb nigga and said youknow, that dumb nigga needs
money for uh, for his tuitionand my mom has to respond and

(22:46):
you know, stand up for me.
It's like, don't call my son anigga, uh.
Or like in the instances wherehe like I've literally heard it
that that's what.
Like one of the people don'tknow the backstory behind, fuck
off.
Um, there was one time we'reliving together where I was in
the fucking hallway and I was, Ihad gotten home and he was

(23:10):
talking to either a familymember or someone and he was
just dogging me out.
Like he was saying, oh, thatdumb nigga did it.
Like he's just saying shit andlike we end up getting to
argument because I was going.
You know, I was standing.
I was standing up for myselfand then at some point.
He said something and I said youknow what?
Fuck off.
So like within a couple hours,I was in the room and eugene had

(23:34):
sent me a beat and he was likenigga, this is perfect for you.
And I didn't.
I was like nigga when I heardthat this is perfect for this
situation.
Yeah, so I ended up making thesong and he overheard me in the
room making the song.
He starts pounding on the doorlike nigga.
I said this is me dealing withyeah like so.
But in a lot of times it's justthat with my dad, that with my

(23:58):
family, that it always felt likeI was punished for just trying
to exist and all I did was juststay to my soul.
But even to this day there's alot of instances and times where
people make me feel wrong, tryto make me feel bad for being
who I am, but not necessarilyjust that.
It's no one's cared tounderstand in those instances,
with family and such, why I'mthe way I am so yeah yeah,

(24:23):
that's, that's shitty, becauseyou're like well, I'm, you're
supposed to be the one I canrely on and I felt like at a
certain age I became his enemyinstead of just his son, Like it
was like when I hit a certainage, all right, you grown now,
nigga.
So it became like at odds yeah.

Speaker 1 (24:40):
But I think, like I said, your dad and my dad were a
lot alike.

Speaker 2 (24:48):
There was one instance, nigga, where we were,
I was going home to work and Igot home from work and that
morning the water was cut off.
So I called him and he calledand added to me like nigga, I
was like I was just letting youknow the water's cut off and he
called and added to me he's like, come here and pick up this
money and take it over to the-.

Speaker 1 (25:09):
Yeah, pay for it.

Speaker 2 (25:17):
And I was like all right.
And then I I get home and hehad, uh, there was a tv in our
room and he had came in the room, snatched the tv off the the
wall and he had stepped on myps3 and he had a full footprint
on it and I was like, now thisis some unnecessary, petty shit.
Yeah to be.
And then the one thing that,without fail, is he would do
shit like he would.
I, I would get groceries andthey got good enough for work at

(25:41):
11 12 at night.
I'm like I'm about to like aturkey sandwich.
Drink, drink a juice.
I will come home.
All the deli meat's gone, juiceis gone.
He'll like here's two dollars,go get yourself some more that
nigga was trying to push you outthe house.

Speaker 1 (25:56):
Yeah, that's what he was doing.
Like I ain't gonna tell you toleave, I'm gonna just make you.
But the thing is I know, is heit?

Speaker 2 (26:04):
he was relying on me to do help.
Yeah, because I was paying rent.
He was relying on me.
So, you know, if I left, he'dbeen on.
Then he'd start talking shitabout how I wasn't there.
So even when I moved out, hewas talking shit to my brother
about um, oh, you know, theniggas did that on purpose.
It's like no, we had no, we hadto fucking.
We were brought a scenario andsaid, hey, figure it out, nigga,

(26:25):
it's time to move out.
I was like we moved out, likeabsolutely.
Anyway, I'm sorry I went on therun.
It's funny when you can realizesome shit too and it's in
hindsight because I I wouldn'tlike I got told him the other
day.
I said certain things you getso used to.
You don't realize that you'renormal until someone points out
nigga, that ain't normal.
You like that.
Ain't normal like nah, like youbeing it odds in which you're

(26:49):
dead all the time.

Speaker 1 (26:50):
It's not normal like uh that therapist told me some
shit and she was like you.
You know that's not normal,right, and I'm like I thought it
was yeah like you, just don't.

Speaker 2 (27:00):
You don't have the realization until someone points
it out.
Like it ain't, like no, it'samazing what you become
comfortable with, um survivalyeah, when people expect you to
be unbreakable, where do youactually break?

Speaker 1 (27:19):
Where.

Speaker 2 (27:20):
Is that what you mean ?
Yeah, like where or when.

Speaker 1 (27:22):
I'm like I break inside.

Speaker 2 (27:24):
Like bad, but it's hidden.
My brain said he's like I breakinside Damn.

Speaker 1 (27:29):
No, not inside, Flex them.
They go here, flex them.
But it's a hidden thing for me,like, and I I realized like
nobody knows any shit.
But that's okay, it's not okay,but it's it's okay to learn, I
guess.
So I break, probably in the carI normally break when I realize

(27:56):
like that.

Speaker 2 (28:00):
When certain shit happened, you're like nigga,
it's too much.
Like when like some unknown,yeah situation happens, and now
you're like deal, nigga.
You're like you hit that point.
You're like fuck, like I, Ineed this shit.
Like I can't, like I've dealtwith all this.
I'm holding it on my shoulders,I'm trying to figure it out all
by myself, and then at somepoint something happened.

(28:21):
I'm like oh my God, like youjust I want to get back to
writing.

Speaker 1 (28:26):
I can't write, but I feel like that's probably one of
the Huh.
Nothing.
What did you say?
It was a smart-ass comment, Iknow, but I was like where could
this have possibly gone?

Speaker 3 (28:38):
I said they have passes for that.

Speaker 1 (28:40):
Oh, Not like that nigga.

Speaker 2 (28:45):
You made me think about you ever watch.
My Name is Earl.

Speaker 3 (28:48):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (28:49):
You know, that's probably the reason behind his
name, because he couldn't spell.
No, his dad couldn't spell.
Oh, Was he the reason behindhis name?
Because he couldn't spell?
No, his dad couldn't spell.
His handwriting was so horriblethat when they read it back
they thought it said Earl.
It was actually supposed to beCarl.
He was supposed to be Carl Jr.
I saw it this morning.
I just thought it wasinteresting.

Speaker 3 (29:06):
Wasn't somebody else on the show named Carl?

Speaker 2 (29:08):
His dad's name was Carl.
I just know that supposedly thereason why he became Earl, but
it's supposed to be like abigger euphemism about how his,
how his characters like this,everything that essentially
about him was a fuck up.

Speaker 3 (29:21):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:23):
So that was yeah, it was actually well, and they said
that the intentional thing withthe palm trees, because they're
supposed to be in.

Speaker 1 (29:29):
Kansas.

Speaker 2 (29:30):
I don't think I watched that, but that sounds
it's supposed to be in themiddle of the South.
They're supposed to be in theSouth, but the palm trees you
don't have them where they'resupposed to be at.
So the whole point, they makesure you see it because you're
supposed to realize that thisisn't naturally.
This is supposed to be someweird take on everything, the
whole crab man, everything'ssupposed to be a play on Nigga.

(29:51):
This is not real.
But think about how, like thatkind of like.

Speaker 1 (29:56):
Is it Ed Wood?
There's a movie that is theworst movie ever made and it's
based on the worst movie evermade and then you watch it and
you're like I love it cause it'sso bad.

Speaker 2 (30:08):
Yeah, when you watch it, it's a good show, but
there's things that were doneintentionally yeah, so you're
supposed to pay attention.
But there's things that weredone intentionally, so you're
supposed to pay attention.
It's like nigga, there's nopalm trees in Kansas City.
That's either a Florida or aCalifornia thing, so they did it
intentionally, I could havesworn that.

Speaker 3 (30:24):
I thought they were in Florida.
Yeah, that's not.

Speaker 1 (30:27):
You missed the whole show.

Speaker 2 (30:28):
And I've seen every episode.
And they tell you to go backand watch.
And it's like these things aredone purposely so you can be
like nigga, there's no puncture.
Like like like, like like.

Speaker 3 (30:38):
So, yeah anyway, but my bad though, kevin Can't write
no you're fine, I just got toget back to writing.

Speaker 2 (30:43):
Earl's dad can write.

Speaker 1 (30:44):
I think that'll help me out a lot, a whole lot.

Speaker 3 (30:47):
Ow, you didn the nigga just popped 41's going.
That's my elbow, his elbowpopped 41's going better.
Who do you allow to see you cry?

Speaker 2 (31:02):
uh, I try to allow no one, but you know my wife's
caught me yeah, I usually go toa, a dark corner or a place
where no one can see me and thenusually I'll the kid old.
That which happened recently.
The kids came and found me andasked me if I was okay.

Speaker 1 (31:20):
I don't know.
I think, yeah, anybody in thishouse could see me cry, but I
usually don't.

Speaker 2 (31:28):
I usually still block my face off so you can't
physically see me cry, you justhear me.
I remember when I saw my dadcry for the first time, that
shit was weird.

Speaker 1 (31:39):
Mine wasn't, because I saw my dad cry for the first
time, but that nigga was drunkas fuck.
And I didn't get that untillater when I was like, oh, he
was all sad and like I think itwas my mom.
I was like that nigga was justdrunk, because you know how
emotions be going, because hewas talking.
I was like, oh, he's serious.

Speaker 2 (31:58):
But and I I know, in the instance when I saw my dad
cry for the first time, it wasbased on um and it was weird
that you realize you grow upfast, but his siblings were
arguing over beer.
Who got the last beer?
Oh, shit and he had to likeintervene and tell them we're
supposed to be coming, we'resupposed to be better than this.

(32:19):
We're supposed to be lovingeach other Our parents, because
their parents both passed at thetime, so they were supposed to
be looking out for each otherand they're literally about to
get into a physical altercationover a beer.
Was it Mickey's beer?
Was it mickey's?
I can't remember.
I just remember it was inchicago in a basement and I
stood there and watched my dadjust like.

(32:39):
He sat down and just cried likeand I was.
I've never seen my dad cry,yeah and that's a real one too.
Yeah, like, and he just like,kind of like he was just tired
of like this, we're supposed tobe better than this.
I just I understood at the timelike damn, like that shit
weighed heavy on him, like butdid on him?

Speaker 3 (32:57):
Did he come out here to get away from out there?

Speaker 1 (33:00):
I don't know if that's an invasive question.
Do you know that or no?

Speaker 2 (33:04):
What happened?

Speaker 1 (33:05):
Did he come out this way to get away from being out
there?

Speaker 2 (33:08):
He came out this way, I think, kind of like better
opportunities out west kind ofthing, kind of like better
opportunities out west kind ofthing.
And then, um, him, my mom, likemy sister, came out this way
and then they set up shop, setup shop in la, and then, um,

(33:28):
then he was, then there, were.
We eventually moved toriverside and they were
commuting back and forth fromRiverside to Hollywood for her
doctor's appointments when shewas pregnant with me.
And then, like I said, thatstory about my mom whooping the
guy's ass while she was pregnantwith me in LA, or the kid's ass
was trying to steal my cousin'sbike, I said I got a lot of

(33:51):
fighters at my fucking bloodlinein the lineage yeah, but yeah,
we would commute.
They would commute back andforth to Riverside to theirs and
then I was born in Cedars-Sinaiin in Hollywood.

Speaker 1 (34:05):
Okay so we're gonna get back over there.

Speaker 2 (34:08):
We're just gonna stay out of Hollywood, though that's
why I said I'm there, I'm home,but I'm not.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 (34:23):
What survival mode cost you Probably years in life.

Speaker 3 (34:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (34:29):
Yeah, between that and the energy drinks I'm
probably I got about a good fiveyears left.

Speaker 1 (34:34):
I mean, that's not true.
You've been working your assoff.

Speaker 3 (34:38):
so I think the uh what has cost the most is
experience, because there'sthings I'll never be able to go
back and experience because Iwas too locked down on just
trying to stay above water, yeahso.
So there's risks that inhindsight I probably should have
took that I didn't take, ifKevin adopts me, I'll get to

(35:00):
experience.

Speaker 1 (35:01):
Hawaii.
You're just going to be brokenigga.
Like what are you talking?

Speaker 2 (35:04):
about I'll go hang out in Hawaii.

Speaker 1 (35:08):
In this dated ass time chef.

Speaker 2 (35:11):
That's okay.
You ever seen Hookers and Johns?
Actually I probably used towhack it to that it was a hawaii
.

Speaker 1 (35:21):
Whatever, I'll be out there at slinging pipe like hey
, I gotta mix this money that'swhere I learned about, uh, what
they say that shit was that youshould do.
I was like mad as fuck as likea child I think it was fish
eyeing people, they called it.
I was like man, that's fuckedup.
Who knew I was gonna go tothailand as I got older from

(35:42):
then wow that was fuckinginteresting to watch but yeah
tangent.

Speaker 2 (35:47):
Sorry, I won't go down that road but yeah, I agree
, it's cost time on life thatsurvival mode just trying to
stay, survive and provide.

Speaker 1 (36:04):
I learned a lot, though, through it, if there's
any silver to that.

Speaker 2 (36:11):
If anger had a voice, what would yours say and I'm
going to add on to that whatwould it sound like?

Speaker 3 (36:20):
it would sound like a black auntie and it has some
comedy in it and it wouldprobably say everything I'll be
thinking, which probably wasn'ta good thing.

Speaker 2 (36:33):
Yeah you remember that?
Uh, that white comedian thatused to yell sam kinnison yeah,
they used to yell all the time.
That's what mine would soundlike, but in a nigga way no, he,
he.
I feel like he had some yeah,but I'm saying he would say it
would be.
It'd be a lot more like the,the, the slang would be niggas,

(36:53):
but it would have that there'syou, mother.
He'd be like oh shit, like whatthe fuck is wrong with you,
like oh, my nigga, like yeah,that would be it I feel like
anger for me would probablysound more like a serial killer
type shit like a jeffrey donner.

Speaker 1 (37:09):
Yeah, maybe something like that, or uh what's that
shit?
Called dexter or even maybelike the anonymous nigga, just
some calm ass shit.

Speaker 2 (37:19):
But saying so, maybe a chuckle wild ass shit like a
chuckle calm, like or likewhat's that shit?

Speaker 1 (37:25):
uh, uh, saw well, want to play a game like I do
not so you think you could justfuck with me?
What you talking like thatbecause you about to die, anyway
, sorry.

Speaker 2 (37:40):
Oh, my god, I channeled that.
I'm telling you, nigga, thelook I gave RJ that day.
Shout out to Guthrie because hecaught up.
He picked up that shitimmediately, anyway.

Speaker 1 (37:56):
Is that what you heard?

Speaker 2 (37:58):
yeah, I was like wanna play a game.
Motherfucker, like tiktok,motherfucker seven days.
I don't even know what it wouldsay.
Just like man fuck it all orburn it down anyway um, do you
feel seen or just looked at?

Speaker 3 (38:17):
uh, I feel looked at.

Speaker 2 (38:19):
You don't feel seen?
No, I think people see you.

Speaker 3 (38:22):
Yeah, they see me, but they don't see me.
They see me because I'mstanding there.
They don't see me.

Speaker 2 (38:30):
Is it people at work or just in general?

Speaker 3 (38:32):
In general.

Speaker 1 (38:36):
Neither More overlooked.

Speaker 3 (38:40):
Ain't nobody overlooking your tall ass.

Speaker 1 (38:43):
Shut up, Maurice.
Yeah, I feel like that Okay.
You don't feel neither no, Idon't feel overlooked, I feel
looked at and written off nigga.

(39:05):
That's overlooked.
Why didn't you just say that?

Speaker 2 (39:07):
I'm just saying they look at me and go typical,
whatever.
And it's like they're justwritten off.
Fuck them niggas.
Just like they look at me andgo yeah typical whatever, and
it's like they're just writtenoff.
Fuck them, niggas.

Speaker 3 (39:23):
How do you protect your peace in a world that
attacks your image?
I limit my energy, my presenceto very few.

Speaker 1 (39:29):
Yeah, trying to focus on what matters.

Speaker 3 (39:31):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (39:33):
Not their opinion.
I do pull-ups.

Speaker 1 (39:37):
That's dope Keep up.

Speaker 2 (39:39):
Good job, I'm dead serious.
I do pull-ups because in mymind I'm like, if I can get one
more than I did last week, Imade progress somewhere.

Speaker 1 (39:46):
So I'm more focused on that.
That's the point.
While you're doing a pull-up,you can't really think about it.

Speaker 2 (39:50):
Yeah, because I'm thinking I I don't want to have
a will moment, so I'm focused onthe pool and I don't want to
shit myself because thishappened where.
Oh, the pre-workout and likeyeah, I went.

Speaker 3 (40:06):
I went, smith.
You was talking about other,will you don't want to shame
yourself?

Speaker 2 (40:09):
yeah, I ain't trying to what are you talking about?
Red table talk you're talkingabout slapping down my head.
I was like what the fuck wasyou talking?

Speaker 1 (40:13):
about Red table talk.
You talking about slapping them, like that I was like what the
fuck I was talking about?

Speaker 2 (40:16):
like you doing this, you talking about shorting, and
you're like, oh, like.

Speaker 1 (40:21):
All of 40.

Speaker 2 (40:22):
You're over here, focused, you're focused on the
pool, and it'd be like man, itjust ripped through and they'd
be like, yep, I.

Speaker 1 (40:30):
Damn, that sucks.
I had that conversation too,about sharding.
That nigga was like I neversharded in my life and I was
like shut up, dude, it's coming.

Speaker 3 (40:44):
You just wait.

Speaker 1 (40:47):
You just wait.
You got a pull-up bar at homeon the door thing.

Speaker 2 (40:50):
I know I like having a door frame yeah because I feel
like I don't believe in any ofthese manufactured homes or
whatever.
I feel like that should havesnapped.
They'd be like well, whathappened?
So I got to get a whole newdoor Like no, no, no, yeah, yeah

(41:12):
, like, nope, nope, nope, yeahOne thing that you want people
to stop assuming about black menOne, one thing that comes to
mind and everything is the same.

Speaker 1 (41:30):
Like we don't like the same shit, we don't do the
same shit.
We don't like the same shit, wedon't do the same shit, we
don't think the same way.
Like niggas is just people,everybody's different like.

Speaker 2 (41:42):
I just don't like us being used as some sort of like
novelty token collector yeah,like I'm telling you.
When that chick said to me,like you gotta try a black man
at least once in your life, Isaid, bitch, we are not.

Speaker 1 (41:57):
Be like why?
Because you might get a littledick black nigga.
Like.
Because they exist.
Like what?

Speaker 2 (42:01):
the fuck, but it just made me feel like we weren't
people.
Like we were some sort of like,we were property, yeah, like
what I'm saying, like as far asthe statement, like, just say it
.
Well not just here, but youknow what I mean.

Speaker 1 (42:13):
Yeah, she's a bitch.
Still she don't know.

Speaker 2 (42:15):
It's like, oh, you got to try black man at least
once.
What the fuck.

Speaker 1 (42:20):
Bitch, I got to stop saying that.
I've been saying that a lotmore.
What?

Speaker 3 (42:23):
bitch Sometimes you got to say it, sometimes you got
to say it.

Speaker 2 (42:33):
Where do you hide when there's nowhere to hide?

Speaker 3 (42:37):
If there's nowhere to hide, how can you hide when no
one's or when there's nowhere tohide?
If there's nowhere to hide, howcan you hide?

Speaker 2 (42:40):
I think it's more or less like a.

Speaker 3 (42:42):
You want nowhere to hide Isolation.
You want nowhere to hide.

Speaker 2 (42:44):
Yeah, like sometimes when you feel like there's
nowhere to hide, you still mightgo somewhere where you feel
like.

Speaker 1 (42:49):
Oh shitter, that's easy, I go to the gym.

Speaker 2 (42:59):
I go to the gym.
I got to take a dookie.
I go to the gym.
If I get an opportunity to justfind a place to record
something.
Yeah, it don't have to behiding, it's just like, just let
me do this.

Speaker 3 (43:08):
I take it literal you should get like a trailer that
you can like tow behind and tellyou right, like a bubble booth.

Speaker 2 (43:14):
I feel like if I get around any niggerdom, that shit
would be gone, like they'd belike nigga, a mobile booth,
nigga.

Speaker 3 (43:25):
Well, you gotta not let it look like that.
Yeah, make it look like ashitter.

Speaker 1 (43:29):
Although they're gonna walk by and be like.

Speaker 2 (43:31):
I guess you could soundproof it.
You fuck around with somebody.
Hey man, I used your portapotty.
It's shit in here.
Soundproof it, soundproof it.
You fuck around with somebody.
You're.
Hey man, I use your porta potty.
It's weird that you got like amicrophone set up in there.
You're probably not the mostsanitary thing.
All right, thanks, man.
It's like what this nigga tooka shoot in my mobile booth
that's why you gotta never mind.

Speaker 1 (43:51):
That's gonna get you in jail yeah, don't do that.

Speaker 2 (43:53):
You didn't have any toilet paper, so I used, like
the, the notebook paper you had.
I appreciate it, bro.
Bye no, I still like driving no, no not that, nah me I'm
getting is helplessness, aweakness or survival tactic?

Speaker 3 (44:10):
tactic what helplessness helplessness.

Speaker 2 (44:14):
Do you feel like it's a weakness or is it part of a
survival tactic?

Speaker 1 (44:17):
you mean it's as in what because in?
If helplessness is a because, Ifeel helpless, all the time
helpless or hopeless is.

Speaker 2 (44:26):
Those are different, yeah I said, yeah, helps, like
when I feel helpless, likemeaning like like you don't want
the help, are you?
There's nothing to help youfeel like there's nothing to
help.
You feel like like there'snothing to help.
You feel like that's a—becausesometimes I think, especially
with me specifically you canfeel helpless, but you don't
want to actually go get the help.

Speaker 3 (44:45):
I think that's a survival tactic and a trauma
response.

Speaker 2 (44:50):
Because, like, people are willing to help but you're
like no nigga.
I got to do this on my own.

Speaker 3 (44:54):
I think that's a—dep, a depending on what it is
depending on what it is.

Speaker 2 (44:58):
I'm not wiping your ass what just don't look me in
the face where's des?

Speaker 1 (45:03):
we need des.
I'm gonna do it.
I'll do it for you.
Just shut up more like I feltlike this with this thing it was
nothing like I didn't callbecause I didn't want, it's like
I didn't want your help, but Ijust wanted to accomplish it.
You know what I mean?
It was something I had neverdone, so I wanted to accomplish
it.

Speaker 2 (45:22):
I'm sorry.
No, you're good, I was going tosay so.
If it didn't work out the way,were you just going to play it
off as a surfboard?

Speaker 1 (45:29):
No, I was going to be like hey, nigga, I got to buy
some more wood.
You might, you might show mehow to fix this.
But like, yeah, if it's certainthings like because sometimes
we will do, I'll do it to myself.
I don't want to speak foreverybody, but like should get
help when it's just like nah, Igot it, why I need help, and
it's like it's fucking it up.

(45:50):
But worse it's usually whenit's yeah, down the line, when
you're like I, I should probablyhelp.

Speaker 3 (45:55):
But I'm also one of those people where I know where
it's like if the line, whenyou're like I should probably
get some help, but I'm also oneof those people where I know
where it's like if I don't do,sometimes the help can be not
helpful if that makes sense,like sometimes.
I know that sometimes I need todive like head first into
something and figure it outmyself and not rely on something

(46:16):
, because my, my mental isalways like well, they're not
going to always be here, like,so I have to learn how to save
myself, I have to learn how tonavigate the situation by myself
, and again, I think that's atrauma response.

Speaker 1 (46:27):
Yeah, that sounds yeah.

Speaker 2 (46:30):
I'm a walking trauma response.
But, like I told you that day,I said how the fuck do I go from
feeling at my lowest to all ofa sudden laughing it off?
And you go, that's just atrauma response.
I'm like I said this is sometherapy shit, huh?
You said yeah, nigga, I learnedsomething.
I'm like yeah, yeah, got it.

Speaker 3 (46:56):
I.
How do you recharge when theworld drains?
You Go get drained.

Speaker 1 (46:59):
I was waiting on that .

Speaker 3 (47:03):
If I get a good drainage and a good 14 hour nap,
I'm good.
I was going to say in whatroute?

Speaker 1 (47:08):
Do you mean like shitting, pissing All the above,
damn All the above?

Speaker 2 (47:17):
Do you feel like the transfer of sexual sayings went
from me to him?

Speaker 3 (47:25):
or was it balanced?

Speaker 2 (47:25):
because you say it way more than I did he's taking
the crown now because before itused to be kind of like an even,
now it's just like 90% mode 10%fly, hey man, hey, all you're
just trying to fulfill duties.

Speaker 1 (47:45):
See, that could be taken a certain way.
That's what I was hoping.
That was all.
What was the question?
Sorry?

Speaker 2 (47:56):
All right.
How do you recharge when theworld drains you?

Speaker 1 (48:01):
Oh, I like driving still, even though I don't want
to because it's.

Speaker 2 (48:09):
That's the last thing I want to do.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
But you know what I've got to get back into this.
It's too hot right now, but Ido like nature, so I do like.
When I got to go somewhere bythe beach, I always make sure to
stop and just appreciate theocean a little bit.
So I recharge a lot by nature.

Speaker 2 (48:31):
I think rapping, yeah , when I get to rap and I just
get a full session in where I'mlike I got these two songs off
and like, especially when theygo off without a hitch, like I
written them and there was no uhstruggling in the writing
process, and then then thattranslating over into the
recording process and then youlisten back and you're like Nick
, I did it.
That was that shit.

(48:52):
Make me feel like hell, like Icould be a horse or whatever.
I'll still feel like a millionbucks, like like man, I got that
shit off.
It was fucking plaguing me,especially when I get to talk
about shit.
I want to talk about the beat.
Feels right.

Speaker 3 (49:05):
Sounds like we uh to uh some work on the way.
Huh yeah, more songs.
To answer the question,honestly, I go back.
I always go back to family, andwhen I say family, I go back to
like spending quality time withmy wife and then just spending
time with my daughter.
Because I think when you lookthrough a lot of times for me in
particular, when I look throughlife through the eyes of my

(49:27):
child and how full of confidenceand how full of hope she is, I
feel like that's a refresher,that kind of recharges me to to
push forward and, um, you know,try to be a better version of
myself and just say you know itain't, you know, the world can't
be too bad as long as she'ssmiling type type situation.

(49:48):
I like that.

Speaker 2 (49:51):
So one memory where you felt completely powerless.

Speaker 3 (49:58):
Uh, one memory where you felt completely powerless.
Uh, what's today?
About a year ago today yeahyeah, that's I don't

Speaker 2 (50:15):
understand um, it would probably be.
Yeah, that's my understanding,it would probably be.
When my sister called me aboutmy dad, that because it was what
can you say?
Like hey, he's not going topull through, you might want to
come say your goodbyes.
Like that I felt powerlessbecause I remember just

(50:43):
instantly, like screaming andcrying in the moment, because
you realize that it's somethingyou have to accept, whether you
want to or not.
And then then driving and Iguess that I was sick with covet
at the time and I felt likeshit getting there.
And then when I got there, Iwas how the fuck do I process
this shit?

Speaker 3 (50:56):
Like how do I go in?

Speaker 2 (50:57):
there and just say goodbye.

Speaker 3 (51:03):
Yeah, nothing can prepare you for that.

Speaker 1 (51:10):
Not at all.
Oh sorry, that's probably thesame vein with my dad.
That's, yeah, I like to reliveit, but just the whole how

(51:30):
everything happened and then notworking you know the CPR and
all that shit.
So that's a tough one.
It's tough to not blame andstuff.
But yeah, we did all we couldand it didn't work and then we

(51:54):
still had to sit through that.
So it's like you gotta dealwith, uh, nothing you can do.
So that's definitely the themost I felt on that yeah, who
taught you how to fight life orlove?

Speaker 3 (52:11):
jesus, I'd say both Different kind of fight.
Life taught me how to fight formyself, both like mentally,
both verbally and physically.
And then, when it comes to thelove part, it's about fighting

(52:34):
for those you love and tomaintain the love you have's
about fighting for those youlove and and to maintain the
love you have.
Yeah, two, separate fights.

Speaker 1 (52:41):
The best way I'll put it is like you said it's both
cause.
Uh, life taught me how tosurvive.
I'll say love taught me how tolive, best way to put it are you
living now?

Speaker 3 (52:52):
absolutely I was.
I was throwing it out therewhat.
Absolutely I was.
I was throwing it out therewhat put that on a t-shirt.

Speaker 1 (53:02):
Y'all could keep that you're welcome.

Speaker 2 (53:05):
I have to say, life for me, because I didn't have
many experiences orunderstanding of love.
So even when it's presented now, I can't recognize it with the
kiddos.
That like, yeah, I have toidentify it With the kiddos.
Yeah, I have to identify it'swhat it is, but my brain still
can't see it.

Speaker 3 (53:24):
You're not processing that right away?

Speaker 1 (53:28):
Oh, shit Damn my bad.
I thought I turned that down.
Did y'all hear that?

Speaker 2 (53:34):
I did, I did, yeah, oh yeah, talking in yeah, oh
yeah.

Speaker 3 (53:38):
Talking in pain, oh well.

Speaker 1 (53:41):
I don't got anything anyway.

Speaker 2 (53:46):
How do you resist being hardened by pain?

Speaker 3 (53:50):
Resist?
I don't think you can.
I think every time you gothrough something you're
hardened in some way.
You may not harden yourself tothe world, but you become more
resilient to that situation.
So I think there's a lastingeffect.

(54:11):
That doesn't mean that theoutcome is you just shut
yourself off or you become dullto it.
I just think is you just shutyourself off or you become a
doll to it?
I just think that you justlearn how to adapt mentally to
it.
Your brain just automaticallyadjusts certain things to it.

Speaker 2 (54:26):
I guess yeah, I feel like resisting would have to be
allowing yourself to feel thatshit, whatever, whatever it is,
even if it's shitty like I'd saythat life has a way of
callusing you, like where youjust build, like a callus, up to

(54:49):
the the that you go through andeventually, like you just start
, I guess it's it then in turnmakes it harden, but I, the
resistance, I don't, yeah, Idon't know if I could, uh, I
think.

Speaker 1 (55:02):
but I think that's that's the goal is to learn how
to knock some of that off.
I think that's the point ofhuman is to yeah, the society
has taught us to be less human,which is fucking nuts, but they
want workers.
That's what it is, yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:23):
So If the world stopped attacking, what would
freedom feel like?

Speaker 3 (55:32):
I can't tell you what .
I have an experience.

Speaker 2 (55:36):
What would you hope it felt like?

Speaker 3 (55:41):
Uncontrollable bliss.

Speaker 1 (55:45):
Well, I don't, I don't necessarily agree with
that, because that's I don'tfeel like that's how life works.
You have to have all of them tohave balance and to enjoy life.
I feel like all of that comes.
So I feel like, uh, that's whatit would look like.

(56:06):
Is is a lot more balance andjust dealing with stuff because,
like, I think you will learnthat it might not be an attack,
it might just be how I respondto stuff, like as well, I'm
gonna say that but like, yeah, Iguess it's all up to you in

(56:27):
that regard how you respond tostuff.
I don't know if that makes anysense.
It makes a ton of sense to me,but I get it, I get.
I get what you're saying.

Speaker 2 (56:38):
I feel like that moment would feel like kind of
feel like you could finally justhave a sigh of relief, or like
being able to breathe withoutthat thought of the other shoes
going to drop.

Speaker 1 (56:54):
Yeah, I think that has to come with work, right
yeah, because if we don't, thenwe're always going to feel like
that, right yeah?

Speaker 2 (57:05):
That's the only kinds of things, even with good shit,
I'd be like but yeah, nigga,this is going too good.
Yeah, when is that shoe goingto drop?
So it's like if it stoppedattacking, you just felt like
you know what, if I knewwholeheartedly that I didn't
have to worry about that othershoe dropping, and like that,
that breathing would change forme.

Speaker 1 (57:24):
Um, do you think you're supposed to feel some of
that, though Not all of the like, oh this is coming, but like I
think you're supposed to havesomething that makes you not
allow that other shoe to drop.
You know what I mean.
You're doing whatever you gotto do, not necessarily like
killing yourself to do stuff,like overworking and
overexerting or whatever, butyou're not going to allow

(57:46):
yourself to go into a place,space, where everything I work
for I'm going to lose this orwhatever.
Yeah, lose all this stuff I putinto, like with, uh, working
out.
I think you'll be damned ifyou're just going to be like
when we have mac and cheese,you're like, nope, worked too
damn hard for that.
So I think like, nigga, I'meating the mac and cheese Boy,

(58:07):
you eating town cake, nigga,he's in the middle of no bread.
It was like don't mind.

Speaker 2 (58:15):
Small victories I get it.

Speaker 3 (58:16):
It's the small, don't mind, but dude, gotta take
small victories.
Yeah, I get it.
It's the small, you know cause?
my thing about that is what I'velearned in my health journey is
that small indulgences isbetter than going off the deep
end and binging yeah so if youhave, if you have a craving for
it, eat a small bit of it andthen and then let it pass and

(58:40):
then get back to work like it'snot gonna, it's not gonna stop,
like they're not gonna destroymonths of progress off of one
piece of pound cake.
Now, if you sit there, eat thewhole goddamn cake yeah, yeah, I
know how I work, that's why Ijust understand yourself because
I'm an addict you'd be like oh

Speaker 2 (59:02):
what's one slice, two thousand slices ago, like you
said that for like three monthsnigga what's one slice thing.
You just kept going like, yeah,so I just, I just, I just stay
away, because I know me, I'mlike what's.

Speaker 1 (59:14):
Technically cutting it in half is still one slice
yeah.

Speaker 2 (59:19):
I still, I just know me, I know me.
I start.
You start telling, I'm tellingthat's just a drug, nigga.
You're like oh man, what's the?
You start talking to yourselflike what's one cookie, nigga?
What's 12 cookies?
Like, what's 30 cookies?
You're like, nigga, you saidthat 30 times in the last month.
Like you put on all the weightyou lost.
What?

(59:39):
The fuck yeah, so can you sharea time when you felt dismissed
or underestimated because of whoyou are, and how did that
moment shape you?

Speaker 3 (59:51):
um, I think I think what first thing comes to mind?
That time I got pulled over onthe way to work and they're like
oh, you work for UPS, how'd youget in there?
And it was like do you thinknot, do you think I'm not
qualified?
Like I had somebody had to handgive me a handout to get in
here.
That was probably the firsttime I felt that way and I was

(01:00:12):
like man, fuck y'all.
That's probably where my racismstarted.
Now I think about it.
Damn, now I gotta pay for athird of their possessions.

Speaker 2 (01:00:22):
You do.

Speaker 1 (01:00:23):
Yeah, just unlock some shit, I think for me.
I had a couple instances, butit's comedy which I remember.
I mean like people telling methat I wasn't sure, I thought
you was going to be weird, Ithought you was going to be not
good, blah, blah, blah.
But then you did it.
I'm like yo, mama, nigga, whatdid you come here to watch me

(01:00:46):
fail?
Nigga, I'm so confused I'mslapping all them niggas.
Nah, it's cool because I'm likethat lets me know the dopeness
where I'm like you came hereexpecting bad.
That's fucking nuts first ofall.
So I think, in that regard,that I they didn't have to tell
me that, but just to get themswayed was one of those was like

(01:01:10):
okay, nigga, you might be dope.
That's how I took it.

Speaker 2 (01:01:18):
I know, I remember when I was yeah, I've said it it
was that battle that I was inin high school where they caught
me right after we got done inthe weight room and they were
like, uh oh, they want to have abat, the homies want to have a
battle with you.

(01:01:38):
And then it was three on oneand I remember saying that I am
still brand new to rapping but Iheld my own and I remember
thinking like I felt defeatedthat day and then I uh, the rap
partner I had, will at the time,was like nigga and he told me
like, oh man, they uh I feltdefeated in the moment but

(01:02:01):
because I was like damn nigga, Iheld my own one-on-one and then
when they started like kind ofcompiling three-on-one shit and
like it just felt likeeverything was like premeditated
, like the way they they wereattacking.
And then I remember tellingwill and he was like nigga, what
was the laugh?
You said they were attacking.
And then I remember tellingWill and he was like nigga, what
was the laugh?
You said they said about you,and I said this he's like nigga.
I was in class when they werewriting that.

(01:02:22):
I said so wait a minute, thesewere all raps Like I freestyled
off the top and you're tellingme, these niggas went like and
plotted something and thenattacked me after school and
then at that moment I feltempowered because it made me
feel like I must got some ofthese niggas did this, if they
went to this length to go at me.
I must be talented, bro, theymust see some worth trying to

(01:02:44):
take down and I look at that, ateverything now, like I feel
like that shapes how I grasp alot of things.
Now is when things happen.
I don't look at it andnecessarily I might feel
defeated in a moment, but at thetime eventually I go.
Well, if you have that muchenergy or time to spend on me,
whether it be anonymous stalkers, co-workers etc.

(01:03:08):
Eventually I always feel like,well, I must have something
worth it for you to feel likeI'm a threat and that kind of
like I said, it's kind of builtwhat I am to me.
To a degree, that's how itshaped me.

Speaker 1 (01:03:26):
Now you can go on and be like they say iron sharpens
iron.
But you're a bum ass, nigga.
I guess cotton can sharpen iron.
Mo you good, nigga.
Yeah, I'm good.

Speaker 3 (01:03:38):
I'm good, I'm good.

Speaker 2 (01:03:41):
How do you handle someone when, or how do you
handle it when someone makes anassumption about your life
abilities before they even getto know you?

Speaker 3 (01:03:49):
I don't, I don't handle it.
They're lost.

Speaker 2 (01:03:55):
I know how I handle it.
I give them looks in.
They're lost.
I know I handle it.
I give them looks in the middleof dispatch and I give them a
look and then somebody goes, youknow what, maybe Andy do it.
I said thank you but like, yeah, I handle it Like now I'm tired
of the assumption of that youknow what I'm doing or you know

(01:04:15):
my life, and it's like if youknow me, you know me.
If you took the time to get toknow me, I appreciate you.
The rest of it is really noneof my concern at that point,
because if you're assuming toknow me, then that means you
don't know me at all.

Speaker 1 (01:04:27):
Well, it all depends on me who it's coming from.
I'll give grace if it's.
I don't really know them thator they haven't known.

Speaker 2 (01:04:36):
But if I know you or whatever been around, then it's
like yeah, you didn't take thetime so I only give grace when
it's a highlight, not when it'sa, when they're trying to like,
like chop you down.
Like they were, like oh whatyou got.
Like a bunch of kids runningaround, a bunch of baby mommy's,
like damn nigga.
Like matter of fact I do, butit's like but that's a different
thing, that's that's going tothat, I guess it depends on what

(01:04:59):
it is too yeah, hell yeah likeoh, maybe yeah, cause, like I
feel like an assumption would belike damn what you dick to your
kneecaps.
Maybe it is nigga.
I thank you for assuming anyway.
With that being said, this hasbeen episode 213 of the
heavyweight podcast.
Des can be here, but she's herewith us in spirit.

(01:05:19):
Thank you for rocking with us.
I know this one was a littlebit more deep and heavy than the
previous two episodes have been.
Like.
Subscribe, share and commentall that shit next time.
We love you.

Speaker 1 (01:05:31):
Peace, bye that's a wrap, y'all.
That's that's how she wrote, somake sure to click like
subscribe.
Peace Bye.