June 30, 2025 • 62 mins
You put on a face for the world. But who are you behind it?
This episode is a deep dive into the unspoken side of adult identity, hidden emotions, and the pressure of always being the strong one. The crew unpacks how we balance authenticity with acceptance, and the quiet battles we fight while showing up for everyone else.
Expect storytelling, vulnerability, and the truth we all live but rarely voice.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Heavyweight Podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
The message behind saying the title of the
Heavyweight Podcast is to beable to say that we can weigh in
on some heavy shit.
What we're talking about isimportant from every aspect of
it.
It's a heavy weight.
It's not just about physicalweight, but the weight of things
that can weigh our minds.
So I think it's dope that wecan have this conversation mind.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
So I think it's dope that we can have this
conversation.
So I think one of the parts ofbeing an adult that we don't get
taught is how to have selfaccountability, how to kind of
just take accountability of whoyou're becoming, letting go of
old thoughts so that you can bethe next version of yourself.
So today we're going to talkabout our identities as adults.
This is episode 204 of theheavyweight podcast.
(00:52):
I'm des the diva and once againI'm back with my three favorite
gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Introduce yourself, guys uh, I go by the name of uh
tracy chapskin.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Oh Okay, Tracy.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
You know, she got a fast car.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
Introduce yourself this nigga's hilarious.
First of all, off the the top,you said 204 and I'm mad because
you should have said 205.
It's your boy, molito um.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
I'm punch slump mcfly uh what punch, slump mcfly.
Remember the punch saved mylife oh, oh it did.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
But why the slump, though?
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Because he slumped over yeah he slumped him.
He slumped over.
How were your weeks, gentlemen,better.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Oh, you know what?
This week was better.
This week was way better.
Speaker 4 (02:01):
Oh man, the repairs are done.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
That's what's up?
The repairs are done.
All what's up, the repairs aredone all right thank god for
insurance.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
A lot of motherfuckers in the house
making a lot of noise, but, yeah, thank god for insurance.
Had an old person tell us, hey,you're doing it the right way
though.
And I'm like, thanks, Icouldn't pay for this with my
own money.
Shit, they definitely ran it up.
They probably did more thanthey needed to.
(02:28):
Oh, definitely.
I was like you didn't need tocut all of that out Definitely.
But go ahead Definitely.
I'm happy with that.
Speaker 4 (02:37):
What's up Yours?
It was better than last week,but it was expensive.
We are two weeks out.
I'm leaving for camp and I hadto buy three leotards.
Put money back for snacks.
I had to tell my mother-in-lawthat she cannot bring anybody
(02:59):
with her.
You barely got a spot yourself.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 4 (03:04):
And just working.
You know you barely got a spotyourself.
Oh my God, just working.
You know, gym fees, life, butmy wife's ass is still fat.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Well, alright, how about you?
As Sebastian says my wife, thebody is tea.
The body is tea.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
t shout out to sebastian, whose body is
actually t?
Oh man I.
I went back to work and wemissed you.
It wasn't the same and had todeal with uh, the, the company,
and the realization that a lotof times, shop stewards don't do
much for you then we doing shitthey just blow smoke up your
ass all the way so you're overhere thinking oh yeah, like what
(03:52):
, what's?
So what's the purpose of youintervening here, if, if, it
doesn't change anything, butanyway, yeah yeah well, I had a
good week.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
I didn't do shit, it was a good week how's that
different from the other week?
You such a damn hater.
I do a lot in a week your girlis out here making moves, baby.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
I do a lot in a week it doesn't matter what you see.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
A lot of shit ain't for you you right, I'm not.
Speaker 4 (04:16):
I'm not your demographic your demographic
ain't real, niggas.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
I got the realest niggas on my demographic.
That's why I don't come downyour motherfucking timeline.
Nigga, it's always a nigga witha mouth sitting next to me on
this side.
It's a real nigga on this sideand a nigga with a mouth on this
side and a nigga with jokesover there.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
I just didn't know.
We need to pause a nigga with amouth.
Speaker 4 (04:47):
Do we pause that, or no, we'll keep that in there.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
That's my wife who are you when nobody's watching?
Tell me that.
That's what I want to knowabout you.
Let's start with you.
Who are you when nobody'swatching, and do you like this
version of yourself?
You, the same nigga all thetime I get on my own nerves uh,
yeah, I can see that happening,do you?
Like this version of yourself.
Speaker 4 (05:08):
I do like the version of the person.
I'm becoming All right.
I do like my healing fit self.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (05:19):
It's a different me.
It really is better for allparties that are involved, all
people I'm around.
It's better because I have thetools in place to control my
rage and my anger, and so itreally benefits everybody, not
just me.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
Well, that's good I like this.
The thing about it is thisnigga be lying to y'all.
This nigga love me.
Okay, he does, he does.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
The way you said these, I got these real niggas
on my demographic.
I was like it, just it sounded.
It didn't sound likedemographics but you meant, oh
what?
What does he mean?
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
It just sounded the way she phrased it, just like
jockstrap.
Yeah, like they on my like.
I got real niggas on my like.
I was like damn like and do yougot real niggas on my strap and
and do okay.
Thank you very much I justnever looked at demographic in
that like show ass up, maurice,damn Maurice.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
Damn.
It's like a new definition of Dor something.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Do you?
Who are you when no one'swatching?
Speaker 2 (06:31):
That's actually An obsessive nigga that talks to
himself a lot.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
You do.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
You talk to the realest nigga.
You know, because you know youcan't call this nigga yeah he
called me all the time.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
I knew you was going to say See, I was trying to
catch it before you said it.
Speaker 4 (06:47):
This nigga's lying, because I don't call him I don't
even understand why I have aphone.
I know why you got it For thebars.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Yeah, I mean a piece of paper could suffice.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
But the other part.
Speaker 4 (06:58):
What part is that?
The coping?
Oh yes, that's funny.
You got the phone to call out,call out sick yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
I don't even do that, though.
No, I walk in and say, hey,thursday, friday, and I don't
even have to finish the sentencealright, see you next week,
alright yeah, I'm mellow whennobody's watching.
Speaker 3 (07:25):
I'm real mellow.
I'm like I like to.
I'm very much like to put myfeet in the grass and hug trees
and shit.
I'm super mellow when nobody'swatching super chill.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
I believe it super, super chill, I think.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
I enjoy solitude too.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
I think I got a little bit of diva in me okay,
you better be a diva.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Care for the diva.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
A little bit sometimes If ain't nobody in the
car and a little Rihanna orsomething.
Come on, ain't nothing wrongwith that?
I got a couple moves that I'mlike I would never do this in
front of nobody.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Ain't nothing wrong with that, like karaoke, like
moves?
Or are you just saying likeLook here.
Yeah, karaoke moves Like a note, some of the mannerisms, oh
okay, Gotcha Nigga.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
I ain't never doing this Well.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
I would love to drive past your ass in traffic.
Speaker 4 (08:16):
Don't be ashamed of that shit, Kev.
I don't give a damn.
Let Cocoa ass be singer.
I'm singing every word like shesing it.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
Can I post SWv without you?
Speaker 1 (08:26):
coco see like I can't get myself to pop ass, but I
get this urge when rihanna, comeon, I'll be like nah nigga like
triggered me.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
no, no.
Last night I was playing mysongs for uh the baby and he
usually always like my, mycheerleading squad, and at some
point he put his hands on hisknees and was trying to pop.
I said where the fuck did youget that from?
Speaker 3 (08:52):
And it threw me like I think babies all naturally do
that.
I think that's a natural babydance.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
He was.
I said that Is he trying totwerk?
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Well, Gracelyn is more like Elvis.
It's weird.
Like when she started doing hershit I was like what the fuck?
Who does that?
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Really Fucking at Grace, all right.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
That's Graceland.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
Well played oh.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
God.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Well played.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
That shit cracked me up, though, though I just like
it she's so cute.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Who is this?
She's so cute.
What part of your identity doyou feel is most misunderstood?
My face touche, nigga touche.
They think I'm always madbecause you do look always mad.
I couldn't figure you out whenI first met you either oh shit I
kept asking like how do I is?
Speaker 2 (09:48):
he mad I think it's my personality in general.
It's like it's like peopleintentionally try to
misunderstand me, which is weirdI don't know.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
People do it all the time intentionally.
You are completely differentthan I thought you were now that
I know you in in person.
I liked you before.
I always thought you was prettydamn cool.
I like you better now that Ikind of have like a better like
understanding of yourpersonality.
So it might not be that they'reintentionally misunderstanding
you.
You put so little out there forus to know.
(10:19):
You really have to spend timewith you to kind of get an idea
of what your personality is, butI didn't disappoint.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
You know what they say about your heroes perfect
timing I had to, I had that wasplayed, well played that was
extremely
Speaker 3 (10:43):
I want to say something else though I'm glad
that you, when you talking man,I'm tired of you, I'm tired of
you real bad, real fucking bad.
Just you answer the damnquestion what?
What part of you?
Speaker 1 (10:54):
my face, your face, yes, you sir I think people
think I'm fucking sweet, likethey think they get like like
okay, Like okay sweet.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Like they can try you .
Yeah, I'm like what the fuck.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Like they think like I got more grit than they know
Like I, and that's fine, thoughFuck it.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
Yeah, I get that same thing.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
No, I didn't get that from you.
I definitely feel like you'rethe type of person that you have
the grit.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
It's just it probably takes you a while to get there.
It takes a whole lot to getthere, but it's like I don't
know.
I just feel like sometimes yeah, and that's where we're the
opposite I'm.
I start with yeah, you startwith the bullshit.
You go directly to nigga shitlike sandpaper but I feel like
once you you get there, niggasjust need to move yeah, I don't
go there, though there ain't noneed, but it's like not even
that, like even.
Speaker 4 (11:47):
Well, I guess it's just when that niggas get there
oh yeah, oh uh yeah I tellniggas all the time you piss
them off enough.
I can't help you because I'mnot strong enough to stop them.
All I can do is talk to you,you, you.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
The day that we were in here sitting and you were
angry, and when the car pulledup, baby, when I tell you I had
my purse on my lap, I was finnago, I said hell, no, I'm not
finna be witness to this mandragging this man up and down
this damn garage.
I'm about to go.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
I wouldn't have done that to kevin's.
I had my purse where I wasready to go.
So kevin's a real one, becausehe looked at me like nigga,
don't come outside.
I got it.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
I said oh, he sure did, he sure did.
I said oh god, and I'm justhere going, you okay this nigga
really showed up like anywayyeah, you're definitely not the
one.
I I want to be making mad.
Let's see.
Um, does it feel like this is agood one?
Does it feel like you had tobecome an adult before you were
(12:50):
ready?
most definitely hell yes, but Ifeel like, more than once like I
feel like in my childhood I wasadulting before I was ready,
and then I feel like, once Iturned 18, my mom was like bitch
, you grow, go figure it out.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
I picture all was putting on a pot of coffee and
getting the day started at sevenyears old some shit right,
that's literally how it was,though.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
I feel like, no, no, I feel like I had the space just
by all the like.
I had shit that we had to dealwith as a kid that wasn't normal
for kids shit, but I had thespace to I nigga.
I feel like I grew up latedoing a lot of the stupid shit I
did, but like that's good thatI had that.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
You had a good childhood.
No, I did, I did.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
I had some wild shit in it, but overall, yeah, I had
some wild shit in it, butoverall, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
I don't think I ever really got to be a kid.
I think that's why I like shit.
Now that kids will do like Iwill borrow your kids and take
them to the damn.
See the damn Lilo and Stitch,because I well, she's free
tomorrow.
I'm telling you right nowbecause I because I didn't get
to do a lot of those things andlike I like to blow bubbles, I
love flying kites.
I love flying kites I keep.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
I mean, you don't lose that, even if you didn't do
it I never did if you did do it, you know.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
I thought she was talking slang blowing bubbles no
flying kites oh you're talkingabout?
Speaker 3 (14:16):
I don't want to go to jail.
No, that's not true.
There's the diva it's not forme, but I do.
I like to do a lot of likethings that I should have gotten
to do as a kid.
I didn't get to do.
You can catch me fingerpainting oh good thing, you went
there.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Finger painting.
Yeah, Because we was talkingabout Jill and I was like she'd
be the punishment.
Put your gun down.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
Best damn finger painting you ever fucking.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Finger painting is the punishment Best damn one.
All these slang words, I don't.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
That you ever saw.
You can do it, though Stillblack foal.
Speaker 4 (14:58):
I feel like I had to grow up quick and because you
know the situation I was in andbecause you know the situation I
was in, like, where I had to be, I had the situation where I
had to be big brother takingcare of baby sister type thing
and make sure she was okay.
(15:18):
So I had to.
There was a part of me where Ihad to have actually worry about
my siblings during the timeswhere I was staying with,
actually worry about my siblings, um, during the times where I
stand with my mom, type typesituation.
That definitely made me grow up.
But then I also have pointswhere when I was with my
grandparents I had I had a greatchildhood but then part of that
was because I was soself-sufficient and I did what I
(15:41):
had to do, or, and I did itgood in school, I didn't really
get in trouble, stuff like that.
I did what I had to do and Idid it good in school, I didn't
really get in trouble, or stufflike that.
I was kind of isolated becauseit was like, oh, we don't have
to worry about him.
So it was like oh, he's fine, sowe're going to focus somewhere
else.
You know type thing, Like weknow, like we're not getting
called up to the school for real.
He's bringing home the.
(16:01):
It was good and I got anythingI asked for, but it was still
kind of lonely, so I had tolearn how to cope with being
alone and essentially beingresponsible for myself even
though I wasn't reallyresponsible for myself.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Does latchkey count, though?
Because I didn't even thinkabout that because I had to be.
We just was home.
It was just me and my sister.
She's two years older than me.
I mean, that's how it was meand my sister.
Speaker 4 (16:24):
she's two years older than me.
We just I mean, that's how itwas in the night, you were the
babysitter.
Speaker 3 (16:27):
Yeah, oh yeah, child care oh yeah, I babysat
dominique, so them.
I said somebody told me happymother's day when I was like 12.
I'm like this is my fuckingsister.
What do we?
Dominique got to the point sheput her own damn stroller out
sitting there and like herselfshe knew we was going outside
yeah, I mean.
Speaker 4 (16:43):
So I think that that I did.
There was parts of my lifewhere I felt like I had to grow
up like, and there was underlike I also had to understand
that, even like as a teenager,like my grandparents were older,
they can't, they couldn't dothe stuff other parents could do
.
So I knew I couldn't ask themfor certain things or deduce or
take me certain places.
I just knew that physicallythey weren't able to do it.
So so it was like that point.
(17:04):
It was like, yeah, I understandthat some of this I had to do,
figure out on my own how to getdone, type deal.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
So what were your expectations of adulthood?
When you were a child, Likewhat did you think it?
Speaker 4 (17:17):
was going to be like, let's say, pre-teenage.
Pre-teenage.
Oh yeah, McFly answered thequestion.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Damn Des you did.
I'm sorry, mcfly, go ahead,damn.
Speaker 4 (17:28):
I know he's mic number four, but you ain't got
to treat him like that.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Oh, and then you're going to rub the mic.
Faux shit in.
Speaker 4 (17:36):
I let him slide.
Last week episode.
I didn't say what I wanted tosay.
Ouch, ouch.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
I know there were a lot of times in childhood that I
realized I had to grow up fastand there were times like when
my mom had me in St Louis andshe got arrested and I had to
walk home at four years old andI remember thinking this shit
ain't normal, but it was.
I felt fine and if you knowwhat st louis is like, it ain't
(18:10):
a place to feel like that, it'sa very fucking hood place.
And um, there was another time,uh, my sister was still getting
to know her her father's side,uh, because my sister had a
different father but he diedbefore she was born.
Um, so she was trying to get toknow her other siblings from
(18:30):
his side and I remember hangingout with her and seeing shit
like I was some projects thather her family was was was
hanging out at or living in, andsome random girl thought she
was some guy, that or some girlthat was fucking with her man or
something, and she came inwielding a knife and I remember
(18:51):
they had to push the door to tryto push the door closed and
she's willing to knife and shestabbed my uh sister right at
like below her hip and Iremember I don't know, at that
time I just it clicked to me.
I was like I remember yellingout like stop messing with my
sister.
And when she realized it was akid there, she pulled the knife
away and took off.
But I remember in thoseinstances I had to learn that I
(19:17):
had to be strong, even inessence I felt like I had to be
the man when my sister was beingattacked and she's fucking 10
years older than me, but I'm atthat time I'm like no fuck that
Like you're messing with mysister.
So it was like there's a lot ofinstances growing up where you
just realize you've got to bestrong than what you maybe
needed to be or should be.
(19:37):
But as growing up fucking fastand and realizing that the
custody battles between theparents, they take the biggest
toll on the kids, so that was,that was a kind of constant norm
.
So I never felt comfortable, uh, to just be a kid, until maybe
I was uh, pushing towards teenand my dad kind of got a little
(20:00):
bit more stability in california.
But before that, yeah, it wasalways grow up fast because it's
life don't stop never, I'llstart on this side with you.
Speaker 3 (20:16):
Um, what expectations did you believe that adulthood
would be like?
And I will say from like thepreteen years?
Speaker 2 (20:24):
my expectation or belief I had and it was funny is
it was I always thought youknow, you get a job, find a, a
girl, date, eventually marry.
That was the thing what I.
That was funny because itwasn't at all a blueprint that I
ever saw in life.
So it was.
It's interesting to see it andsay that this way it should be
(20:46):
like.
But the expectation, thereality, was way different.
But it yeah.
In my life growing up it was oh, you know, you've made it.
When you have a job and thenyou're able to be self
sufficient and that's it.
But past that, no, it was.
That wasn't my reality.
(21:07):
But that's what I expectedabout adult men y'all bitches we
all nah, I'm playing you gotbalconies.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
You never wanted bitches.
You got exactly what you wanted, oh no.
I did.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
Those are oh all today, what you do, I think some
of them apply.
One thing I, one thing I didalways want was kids.
I always said I wanted kids andI just happened to be bonded
with someone who wanted kids butdidn't want kids to later in
(21:40):
life.
So I felt like all my goodknees ears are gone good knees,
yeah, yeah knees years are gone,fit knees.
Yeah, the years are gone.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Those years are gone.
Your lower back still here.
Speaker 4 (21:48):
Yeah, it's still here .
Speaker 2 (21:49):
At least you got that .
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Yeah, yeah he gonna figure out how to make them
knees work If she tell him shecan bend over a damn balcony.
That's what step ladders arefor.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
Oh so yeah, like my thing was like I figured I'd
have some kids, married, wifehouse.
You know, I always said Iwanted to be a lawyer and I
never understood why and thenwhen I got older I said I only
want that for the money, stressboy.
Yeah and yeah.
I just I thought it's sad thatyou said that I'm thinking about
(22:27):
it.
My life wouldn't what I thoughtmy life would be.
It's kind of like similar towhat it is now.
I mean, I have more money, butother than that, no.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
It's not that far off .
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Kevin, I don't know.
I've had a lot of fucking weirdexpectations and some have come
to fruition, some of themhaven't.
(22:58):
Like, I guess, the stages inlife.
I remember pretending to drivearound like a little car and
shit, playing fucking Crazy Boneno, I get it weird.
But then I was at some pointwhere I was like, oh shit, I got
my own car and I'm drivingaround bumping crazy, boom, like
hell, yeah.
Like it felt like not anexpectation on what adulthood
would be, cause it's like whothe fuck?
I don't know.
I wasn't thinking about shitlike that as a kid.
It was like I thought I wasgoing to be a fucking engineer
(23:20):
or the president and shit.
Like I thought engineer or thepresident and shit like I
thought, yeah, I thought I wasgonna be the president.
Yeah, I believe that shit I did.
It was a good school dude,probably not, but but um, I
don't know.
I always had an expectation ofgrandeur, I guess you would say,
and I'm happy the way thingshave turned out.
(23:44):
So, cause I look at the waythings are with the way people
have to live in certain aspectsSay, I wanted to do
entertainment at some point andI thought that's what it was
going to be I'm like, did Ireally want that?
The way it looks at?
Like, do I want it to go thisway?
Cause it's a slower route andit's like I can build up and do
it this way, the right way,instead of just, oh, I'm gonna
(24:08):
jump in and sign on this.
You know what I mean.
So it's a lot like mo said,it's a lot like right now,
that's what he expected be ableto like.
I love my family, I love myhouse, I love everything I got
and that's almost all I wanted.
You know what I mean.
So I don't know if that was theexpectation, but that's what.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
I guess I set out to do that's funny Cause I didn't
picture any of that for me.
What the?
I just thought it was work Like, yeah, I didn't think, oh, a
house, kids, any of that.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
Yeah, I was in my head.
It was like a motherfucking 32bedroom house and then I'm like
nigga who the?
Fuck is going to clean that.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Let's see that electric bill like but yeah, I
get it's.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
you're in that environment like I've never been
, but I know motherfuckers, stLouis, and you're like, oh,
nigga like but I did always.
Speaker 4 (25:02):
I did always want a marriage to kind of model after
what I saw with my grandparentsand.
I knew like.
That's the one thing.
The one thing I give my, mybiological parents for is that
you.
They taught me exactly what Ididn't want to do and what I
didn't want, so they taught me alesson in a sense mine did too
mine taught me both to be honest.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
I just stopped fucking.
Tv ruined my belief on shit.
I used to think certain thingswere based on like relationships
, based on television shows.
I'm like, oh, so it's supposedto be like that.
No that was what cause.
That was the only thing exampleI had.
My dad wasn't um, he did a lotof fucking.
Oh he wasn't really on thisrelationship tip.
(25:44):
The only examples I had wastelevision brady bunch nah I'm
talking like it's like familymatters and shit that was a
great show, great show it's backit's back where on netflix.
Speaker 3 (26:06):
Huh, I'll be watching that when I get home what about
you?
oh, what about me?
My life don't look a goddamnthing like how I thought it was
going to look.
Not a one motherfucking thing.
Shit is ghetto.
It doesn't look like I wantedto be a mom with kids and I
think I essentially wanted tobuild the family I didn't have
(26:27):
as a kid, like I wanted to havea two parent household with
children and we do thingstogether and you know, and it
didn't turn out that way, I gotHayden's fucking daddy Calm down
.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Demotion we can relate.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
Who don't listen to a motherfucking daddy?
Speaker 4 (26:49):
See, you said, y'all don't like four.
Two.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Fo.
Speaker 3 (26:54):
Mike Fo Hay.
Oh Mike, fucking daddy.
Yeah, I wanted to be a parent.
Still, may I'd be thinkingabout adoption here and there.
Speaker 4 (27:02):
I got one with my baby.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
But yeah, you know it .
Just it didn't turn out how Ithought it was gonna be, but I
think I was looking at it moreof a, not what I actually
thought adulthood was like, butmore than what I needed in that
moment and what I could createas an adult.
Yeah, but all in all, I havebeen blessed.
Um, I've never been without alike really more than a moment
without a job, without money,without roof over my head.
(27:30):
I've always been able tomaintain myself.
So I mean, I'm gonna post yourcash app on the page and see can
we get somebody to bless it,because it's not gonna be me
baby, so you're gonna have to goahead.
Speaker 4 (27:42):
I don't have a cash app.
I just said that you don't.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Oh you sure the hell don't.
That's very true, yeah, okay.
Um, so how do you handle thepressures of being the strong
one, and what happens whenyou're not the strong one?
I cry.
Are you being serious?
Speaker 4 (28:00):
yeah, I cry it's good for the soul it is.
It is um and then I wipe myface away and look myself in the
mirror and say, nigga, do youknow what you gotta do?
Speaker 3 (28:11):
I, like most, most women, get back to work I don't
know what the fuck it feels liketo not be the strong one.
I have no idea.
I probably would lose my mindif I didn't have to be the
strong one.
Speaker 4 (28:23):
I don't know what that's like, I think I think
it's harder for my wife when Ithink about it, cause now it's
like with me being the strongone.
She has to be strong for me,because the way our, our
marriage relationship is set upis like it's kind of like that
(28:45):
shirt on the wolf, uh, on thewoodrope, or like you got.
You gotta be careful what yousay to a man, because if, if I
see my wife cry, I'm going tocry, and when I find out who's
the reason behind her crying, Ihave nothing but rage and anger
for you, we can discuss whathappened later, but you're going
to have to get your ass kickedfirst.
So I do think she struggleswith being the strong one for
(29:08):
the strong one, because I thinkshe struggles with being strong
in a different way.
As far as she I, she reallydoes try to not overwhelm my
plate because she knows Ialready stack it high myself.
So it might, it might not be nobetter, it is no, I get it, I
(29:29):
get it yeah, but it sucks beinga strong woman.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
It does.
Speaker 4 (29:32):
Can't take no days off.
Speaker 3 (29:33):
You sure the fuck can't.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
Hey Kim, Do you want the mushrooms?
Again, you just got to ignorethat shit.
Just turn it off, fuck them.
Got to give yourself a day.
Speaker 4 (29:46):
Every 28 days that mortgage is due.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Oh yeah, you can't slip, you can't, you can't slip,
you can't like.
But you get a little moment yougotta give yourself a moment 28
days?
um, I don't know, man.
Sometimes it's nice, though, toknow the outcome of things, so
I guess that's what helps.
Like you get the reassurancefrom shit when people let you
(30:14):
know, hey, thanks for that, orI'm glad you was there for that,
or hey, you know what I mean.
Like the reassurance makes itbetter.
What was this?
This little kid, both of themgo inside girls.
So this little kid, both ofthem Go inside girls.
(30:35):
So I don't know.
I think it's just.
I find a way, like I put themisters in the backyard, and
that's sometimes my littlegetaway.
Lean back, yeah, I got to get arecording sign.
Lean back, yeah, I gotta get arecording sign.
And then, yeah, that's the wayto do it.
(31:00):
Find little ways, big fly.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
I think writing helps me a lot and I often write.
I probably haven't recordedmost of it, but I like to write
and it helps me kind of get outof my head that makes sense.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
And let me say this about about women who are strong
, um, who are strong in aleadership, leadership position.
I don't know how not to bestrong.
So, when it's not that no manhas ever tried to be the
strength, I just the onerelationship I had where the man
did try to to be the leader, Iwas so, um, consumed with
(31:49):
leading because I have done itfor so long I didn't know how to
step back because he because he, literally I did date someone
prior to hayes daddy that he washe was a cold ass leader, like
I mean, like he had a plan.
It included me.
I didn't want to do it becauseI didn't, it wasn't my plan
(32:10):
looking back how's that?
um, I feel real foolish forthose, for those mistakes and
and not at least hearing him outand trying it the way that he.
He wanted to do it because hehad a.
He had such a phenomenal planthat he went forth and did his
plan and he is in a verysuccessful a situation now,
because is he a millionaire?
(32:30):
He's not a millionaire, buthe's doing real, real good.
Oh, that's for sure.
Speaker 4 (32:33):
Real, real, real, real good it sounds like to me,
is that you suffer from the factthat you could never depend on
anyone and you've always had todepend on yourself.
So the thought of depending onsomeone else, oh, we're not
gonna talk about that.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
I got on mascara it's frightening yeah, it is.
No, that's the truth, that'sthe truth.
And then what I.
Speaker 4 (32:54):
You can't overcome that unless you trust.
That's the hard part.
Speaker 3 (32:57):
I have to be able to be comfortable trusting the
person.
Speaker 4 (33:03):
I'm saying that's the hard part.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
Yeah, but what I'm saying is so, looking back in
hindsight, I can see where hadhad I followed that, that other
man who got the same name ashayden's daddy, by the way.
It's crazy, uh, I probably itwould have been the right thing
to do, but I couldn't followhayden's daddy.
(33:27):
That way he's going to drag meto hell.
Speaker 4 (33:32):
I can't speak to that .
It's the truth.
Speaker 3 (33:35):
It's the truth.
So I'm going to work on thatbefore I be too too committed
anywhere else, because, whoknows, the next situation God
puts me in may be somebody whohas that type of ability to be
able to lead, and I'm going tohave to be able to shut the fuck
up a little bit.
And I'm going to have to beable to shut the fuck up a
little bit, and I'm going tohave to shut your ass up, damn
(33:57):
it.
I'm going to have to.
I'm going to have to be betterat that Cause.
I'm not good at it right now.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Accountability.
Speaker 4 (34:08):
You acknowledge that.
So it's, it's, you're starting.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
Yeah, I suck at that, I'm not.
You acknowledge that, so it's,it's you're starting.
Yeah, I suck at that, I'm not,but, but I'm, I'm.
There's no shame to my mom.
She did a great job, but I wasraised by a single mom.
So I think this is thenarrative.
With a lot of women that wereraised by a single mom, we're
getting told you don't, don'trely on a nigga, you don't need
a nigga for nothing.
In reality, we need each otherand we need to be you, you know
(34:33):
gentle with each other.
Speaker 4 (34:35):
I didn't learn that.
You know we talked about thatHuh.
My wife and I talked about that, because she was raised by a
single mom and I was raised in atwo parent and so I had to.
There was a.
We had a lot of going back andforth.
I was like, look here, thatshit that you was raised on
ain't how it's supposed to be.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
No, care that that shit that you was raised on
ain't how it's supposed to be.
No, no, it's really not.
It's, it's unhealthy, it'sunhealthy.
Um, send me that.
If you did, you was it on tape.
Yeah, I don't know okay, if youcome across it, I would love to
see that, because I don't thinkI think single mom households in
.
In a lot of cases we fuck someof these women up real bad.
So that's just my, my littlelittle synth.
(35:17):
Um, let's see.
And have you ever felt like youhad to shrink yourself to fit
in or to survive?
yes, all the time or evensucceed, oh yeah um yeah, I
think I felt like I had toshrink myself most of my life.
That's why I come so big now ohI heard it too.
Speaker 4 (35:41):
I heard it too I heard it too, I heard it too oh,
damn it she said that mooselook will be permed oh man,
(36:01):
that's crazy.
Um, I would say, like I said I Iwent through a time in my life
where I always did feel alonebecause I was essentially raised
like an only child, even thoughI had all these brothers and
sisters right Once I was adoptedby my grandparents and I
identify how that kind of mademe want to fit in, to have
(36:24):
friends.
So I didn't feel like I wasalone and a lot of times I would
suppress who I was to fit in.
I would suppress who I was tofit in and when I got out of
that, that's when I started toreally understand who I was and
what I was capable of, andactually it was for the better
of me.
That's why, when I had saidthat message mixed by I can
(36:47):
relate to that because I used todo shit like that I would try
to fit in.
I didn't want to ruffle anyfeathers, I just wanted to be
included and as a kid, that'sreally all you want.
You just want to be included.
But I had to learn in adulthoodthat I'm not going to lower
myself to make someone else feelbetter.
So I just find my circle thatcan handle my personality and my
(37:09):
potential and heavy on thepotential.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
Yes, I, yeah, I've been there many a time in my
life, cause, uh, it was alwaysfeeling like when I was myself,
the people looked at me sidewaysand then so, like you said, you
just want to fit in and so youstart minimizing who you are to
please or to just be accepted,and eventually you hit a point
(37:39):
in that age where you realizethat if they can't be around you
being yourself, then they'renot for you.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
I used to do stupid ass shit when I was young to fit
in like extremely stupid shit,just to be a part, just to fit
in yeah you used to yeah, usedto.
I'm not doing a motherfuckingthing to fit in with these dudes
you ain't.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
I keep telling y'all I'm not shit y'all don't believe
me what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (38:12):
I don't do a motherfucking thing to fit in
with these dudes.
Speaker 4 (38:13):
You know you tell y'all I'm not shit.
Y'all don't believe me, I don'tdo a motherfucking thing to fit
in with these bitches.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
And and how was I fitting in?
I'm completely opposite thanany of the females that I run
with.
Any of the females I'm in acircle with.
Completely opposite doesn'tmake one of us better than the
other.
We all dope females, but I'mcompletely different than all of
them.
I don't try to fit in with noneof them.
I will I learn from them, andwill I educate them absolutely,
(38:40):
but do I try to fit in with them?
Speaker 1 (38:41):
no, I think um, I don't know if I minimize myself
to fit in, like I always just inmyself.
I feel like I minimize myself,I don't know why.
Actually, I think it's becauseI'm not, you're not getting a
different person, like when youget me out, you know what I mean
(39:05):
.
Fuck you laughing at shit.
Speaker 4 (39:11):
In my head I said this nigga, suck that tooth one
more time one, two go to the gap.
Speaker 3 (39:22):
I hate you get your friend, get, get, get your frame
McFly.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
I can't tell y'all any shit, my brain, just my
brain.
Like I was, look my cousin.
Environment was very hostile.
You had to be ready at alltimes to defend yourself at work
.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
I know, I appreciate it.
I don't need to be sucking myteeth in the mic.
I think, I don't know, I thinkmy minimization of myself, ah,
it comes from not fitting in,just, uh, fear of not, I guess,
(40:04):
achieving what I um shut out, Idon't know the.
Speaker 4 (40:09):
The cold part is in hindsight.
I really I kicked myselfbecause I realized how many
years I missed out on exploringthings I actually liked or was
into, because the people Iwanted to be around wasn't so I
would just suppress my intereststo try to fit in, and I
shouldn't have did that shit atall.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
I've done that.
Yeah, that's true.
We've definitely done that.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
Everybody answered.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (40:37):
When did you realize that no one was coming to save
you?
I think I always knew.
Speaker 1 (40:42):
What's that mean?
Like what do you mean?
No one's coming to save you.
Speaker 3 (40:45):
In general, no one's coming to save you, it's just
you against you.
Speaker 4 (40:51):
See, I don't believe that coming to save you it's
just you against you.
See, I don't believe that,because I believe I have someone
that will save me.
Speaker 3 (40:55):
Well, I haven't seen it in my life, so I don't think
anybody.
Speaker 4 (40:58):
My thing is I have to allow her to save me.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
Yeah, that's why I was asking like what do you mean
?
That was deep.
Speaker 4 (41:04):
That's my problem.
My problem is I allow her tocome in and be a safe space.
She's more than willing to.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
Five.
Speaker 3 (41:20):
Five, what Five.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
That's the one I realized.
No one's coming to save me.
Speaker 3 (41:23):
Oh man damn so you just get strong yeah, no, I
agree, you just you get strongare you sure?
Speaker 4 (41:39):
and?
Speaker 3 (41:40):
we don't want you to say what you thought.
Go ahead, kevin, because I'mtired of him.
He's right here nothing.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
It's almost the same as Mo in that one.
I uh, yeah, I think I'm therewith and I have that
conversation when I get in mymodes.
Uh, it's like, well, you gottatell me shit.
Like I'm not a mind reader, Ican't just know.
That's how you feel with stuffor this is what you're going
through.
So it's like the allowance isthe part I gotta work on because
(42:08):
I have someone there.
I have these kids fuck out ofhere.
They won't let that shit.
They see daddy in a certainspace or anything.
It's nuts how they respond tostuff.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Isn't it kind of weird how your child will say
something to you at the rightmoment to kind of get you back
on track?
You're like where the hell didthis come from?
Speaker 1 (42:30):
Them niggas made me cry with some of this shit.
Speaker 3 (42:32):
They say, well, I'm like oh, I don't have children
but hating gets me Told you,andreas.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
The one day I was pissed off playing 2K, he said
Dad, just do what you tell us,just walk away from a little bit
, come back.
I said, god, don't use myadvice on me.
Speaker 4 (42:52):
At least you know you're listening.
Speaker 3 (42:53):
Yeah, at least you know you're listening.
Yeah, hayden says the mostprofound things to be such a
little human and it like tripsme out to hear him.
Speaker 4 (43:03):
I'm like you came from that mama it's it's, I
think, with kids it's like it'sit's you know that it's just
them being honest.
It's like there's nothingbehind it, it's just like you're
not a boy like cause.
Sometimes you're like why don'tyou just do this?
Speaker 3 (43:15):
I'm like damn why didn't I see that?
I'm supposed to be the goddamnadult like am I, hayden, been
here before, though, like youcan convince me that this is not
his like second, second tripmaybe?
Maybe like he'd been here, likehe'd say shit and I'd just be
like, huh, you smart niggas,that crazy, god damn, yeah, he's
smart.
Like it, during one of mymiscarriages and we had hit it
(43:37):
from hitting, but he knew how, Idon't know he knew.
He told me like don't worryabout it, like you probably just
need to adopt a baby first, andthen, when you adopt a baby,
you gotta give us our own Castro.
And I'm like who, he's 10 like,who thinks about that?
Like, but he, he, literallythat's what his thought process
was and he got more sense thanyou.
(43:57):
Uh, excuse me uh, yeah, no oh mygod, you take the fuck out of
me I ate today you know what,and I'll take that.
He probably does have more senseto me.
I tell people all the time in aroom full of people Hayden is
the smartest nigga in there, sohe might he probably does have
(44:21):
have more sense to me.
He legitimately is.
Okay, sit up in there withHayden while he talk to you in
50 different damn languages andsee how the fuck that he can
read, write and speak, that he'sself-taught in and we gonna see
who the smartest nigga in theroom is challenge accepted?
okay, okay.
What's the cost been of you bealways being the responsible?
(44:43):
I'm gonna start over herebecause I'm tired of him talking
.
Uh, I'm sorry.
What was the question?
What is the cost been on youfor always being the responsible
one?
Speaker 2 (44:55):
the cost has honestly been no one checking on me to
make sure that I'm able tohandle everything that's thrown
at me.
So, instead of it like yeah,he's like oh, yeah, he usually
got it, but at some point itdoes, where you, you start to
wear thin and you start tofucking get exhausted and then
(45:18):
at some point, no one, it's justan assumption, oh, he got it
he's fine with it.
He could take care of it.
You don't realize it.
At some point you need to sayyou good please check on your
strong friends.
Speaker 3 (45:27):
You good like, do you , do you?
Speaker 2 (45:28):
still got it?
Do you need some?
They're gonna ask you if yougood, please check on your
strong friends.
You good like?
Do you?
Do?
You still got it?
Do you need some?
Speaker 4 (45:32):
nigga, I asked you if you good all the time I'm not
talking about that shit.
Speaker 2 (45:34):
I'm talking about shit I can't even talk to you
about, like it's just.
Speaker 4 (45:38):
But when I say you good, I'm talking about overall.
Do you good now, whether youchoose to share it, because
sometimes I do share it with you, but nigga you also don't like
I also don't like being judgedeither.
I don't judge.
Speaker 2 (45:51):
You judge, nigga, I do.
You're right, so like I giveyou enough information to not
have to hear the judging part.
Speaker 4 (46:03):
Just say judge free, I won't judge you.
I'll give you an honest answer.
Speaker 2 (46:07):
It's impossible.
Nigga, I've known you too long.
I know you no trust me, itworks.
Speaker 4 (46:12):
My wife and I, we practice it.
It works so you need a.
Speaker 3 (46:18):
I listen and I don't judge, friend.
Speaker 4 (46:20):
Yeah, but I don't think they exist.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
Kevin, don't judge.
I was going to say he's judging.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
Yeah, I don't think that exists.
They just won't tell you.
Speaker 3 (46:29):
Kevin, Kevin ain't judging nobody.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
I've talked to Kevin about certain things and I can
tell, like, when I, when I, whenI hit those points, Kevin know
when I'm coming to him.
It must be something to becauselike.
Speaker 1 (46:46):
But yeah, I know, I don't have that now.
I think I've gotten better atjust nah that's important yeah
hey, it's not, it's not me,that's not my responsibility.
Like the shit at home.
Yeah, that's I.
I made that like this is theshit I chose.
(47:06):
Like the other shit is like nah, nigga I didn't that ain't on
me what's the question?
Speaker 3 (47:15):
it's what has the the cost been of you being the
responsible one all the time?
Speaker 4 (47:19):
yeah, I can't, I don't know.
I don't know if I could have acost, I think.
I think the biggest cost is mysleep and how much I stress over
making sure I fulfill thepromises I have made.
Speaker 2 (47:36):
Yes, Breaking up out of sleep.
Speaker 4 (47:40):
Yeah, that's it.
I understand that it doesn'tmatter how much my wife tries to
reassure me or how well thingsare going.
Even if I know I'm good thisweek and next week, well, I'm
thinking about three weeks fromnow.
That's how it goes.
(48:00):
Now.
What do I need to do to makesure I'm good in three weeks?
And it never stopped and mywife goes I don't know how, just
live it.
I said I can't live.
I said, as who I am, as yourhusband and as the father of
that beautiful child, I can'tthink in the moment Because I
got to make sure that you'regood tomorrow.
And then the day after that andthe day after that.
(48:22):
So just because you're goodtoday don't mean I can just
relax.
No, I got to make sure you'regood until I'm not, even when
I'm not here when I'm notbreathing, I gotta make sure
you're good.
That's, yeah, that's a constantit's a it's a hard switch to
switch off.
So when I get my two or threehours to myself, which is mostly
in the gym, and the switch thatshit off, let me have this.
Speaker 2 (48:41):
Let me have this because when I walk out, this
motherfucker, I'm thinking abouthow the fuck I'm finna pay this
mortgage in 28 days again yeah,remember we had that talk when
we were hooping um, when I toldyou I was like shit, I had to
come out of pocket for somethingunexpected, right then and I
was like fuck.
I was like, yeah, I have tothat the money to do it.
But it was just now.
(49:02):
I gotta think about, yeah, howto recover from yeah, I don't
know.
Speaker 1 (49:06):
I just I took that question because I don't equate
things in the house where I'mlike that's just I don't that's
not just life yeah, that's shitthat I don't know.
I feel like I put that, but Itook that as outside shit where
it's like trying to puteverything on me but even like
the outside shit, kind of likethat's where I'm like to speak
to that mind I've only acceptedoutside shit that I that I rock
(49:28):
for it.
Speaker 4 (49:28):
So, like the podcast where me and my wife got going
on my daughter'sextracurriculars, it's shit that
I rock with.
If I don't rock with it or Ifeel like it's not beneficial to
me or my family, I just likeyou say, I just say no.
Speaker 1 (49:40):
I don't care how you feel yeah, I think that's what I
, that's what I answered thatway, because it was more of
that's how I've.
Speaker 2 (49:48):
I don't allow the things that ain't supposed to be
there be there there's a reasonwhy certain people, uh that
we've had uh interaction withstop asking me shit, because at
some point they know I'm like.
Speaker 4 (50:05):
I just give a look like in this, but it it's like
it.
It's like I've constructed mylife to a point to where, like
we're talking earlier, I havethe things I asked for.
I have my wife, I have my child.
I asked for these things.
They are my responsibility andI take full responsibility and I
take it seriously.
And because I take thatseriously, I am willing to
(50:26):
forsake all others for my family.
And once you understand, onceyou understand that about me,
you understand how I move,because if it's not beneficial
to myself or in my family, evenif it's beneficial to me but not
beneficial for my family, I'mnot going to do it Because I'm
willing to sacrifice myself forthem.
Speaker 2 (50:45):
And that's what resonated with me about Dirty
Birdie, when he said that likethere's certain things that I'm
not willing to cross if it meanshurting yeah their well-being
like.
So as me breaking it like whenI had that talk to you that same
day, I remember I went to sleep.
I woke up at two or three inthe morning thinking about how
(51:08):
the fuck I'm gonna pay this whatthe fuck I'm gonna do over here
.
How do I move that Like, and itwas like go to sleep, I can't go
to sleep.
My brain's, like, it's active,it's ready to go, like, so it's
thinking about what moves I gotto make to make sure I recover
back and it's.
But that shit's like arevolving door of constant how,
how, how.
So, like everything else Idon't have, I don't hesitate to
(51:28):
say no to, because I understand,like this shit, like you said,
I signed up for it, so like Ican't just I can't cut that off.
Speaker 1 (51:37):
I stress, when it's uh, when, when it's office hours
, oh yeah.
I can't Well yeah, I'm likeI'll try to plan it, but then,
like there's certain things,like if it's a stressful
situation, I'll be like well, Icould find the solution in my
head and think it, but I'm likenigga, I can't do nothing about
it right now.
I can't, Honestly.
(52:05):
I could try to call, but I'mlike, okay, take a break,
Regroup.
Speaker 2 (52:11):
I guess that's just part of the tools.
Have you ever had a situationwhere you plowed it out in your
mind like, oh, I'm about to dothis and I'm going there, and
you have it all planned in yourmind.
But when I get in there and I'mwalking here, I'm going to have
this, I had meetings at work orwhatever and you go in there
and nothing goes as what yousaid.
Even worse, they kind of just gookay, nigga, I planned this
shit and now you're just okayingme.
What the fuck?
No, you're going to listen tothis motherfucking speech.
Speaker 4 (52:33):
I'm finna get these thoughts off.
You finna hear me, motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (52:37):
You'll just fucking comply, fuck.
Speaker 1 (52:39):
Absolutely.
I think that's the wind.
Oh no, that's.
That's a child.
Yeah, it's cool, you push him.
Speaker 4 (52:48):
Yeah, it's like, cause, like, even like, even
like.
I understand when I, when I,when I joke and clown about the
gymnastics.
Yeah, I don't like paying them,but I, I like, I love the smile
, I love the passion that shehas when she does it and I it's
(53:10):
part of my job as her father isto allow her to go so deep into
her passions until she's nolonger passionate about it.
I want her childhood to bebetter than mine in a sense, to
where she gets to be who she isevery day.
She's not worrying about howshe's going to eat.
She's not worried about who'sgoing to cook.
She's not worried about um is,is.
Is mommy going to be up whenyou get home or is she gonna be
(53:30):
in her room with the door locked, type shit?
She's not worried about shitlike that.
She's worried about.
She's literally just worriedabout me to get my child only
worry about when the next timeshe gonna be able to get a snack
that's often, that's yeahthat's how I know our travels,
or something yeah, you know.
So it's like yeah, I mean, Ithere's many times, well, door,
(53:51):
door's been closed for six hours.
I know what's going on.
Yeah, like when she sleeps atall she'll come out and come
downstairs, like I know, I knowwhat's happening, like, oh damn,
where's my nintendo?
oh okay, yeah, like you know,like you know what I'm saying,
but that's not.
That's not the childhood I'mtrying to have, that's not the
child I'm trying to give her.
So, like I said I will, I willsacrifice everything for myself.
(54:12):
I will sacrifice my truck, Iwill sacrifice, uh, every,
pretty much everything but thegym.
Speaker 1 (54:19):
What trip exactly exactly?
Speaker 2 (54:22):
right.
I say it's always on thehorizon, but I'm a silver lining
because I I told you nigga whenwhen you, when you text me that
shit, I said, shit, you couldflip that shit to a tundra quick
.
Speaker 4 (54:32):
So it's like anyway it's like, yeah, it's so, it's
like it's it's part of myresponsibility that I, I take,
I'm, I am accountable for thatI'm, regardless of how she sees
her childhood 18 years from now,I'm responsible for it, for the
role I play.
Speaker 3 (54:55):
Yes, I don't really want to answer this question, so
we're going to go to the nextone.
Speaker 4 (55:00):
Oh, here we go?
Speaker 3 (55:02):
I mean because I don't really, I don't have a
family.
I have Hayden's daddy.
Speaker 4 (55:08):
You have family.
Speaker 3 (55:09):
You have family, you have.
Speaker 4 (55:09):
Dominique daddy, yeah family and hated, yeah family.
You have dominique what did it?
Speaker 1 (55:11):
was it family or was it responsibility?
Speaker 2 (55:15):
what it cost you yeah no, we'll talk about that then
don't talk about it.
Speaker 4 (55:18):
Thank you very much, um.
Speaker 3 (55:20):
We're gonna talk about this later part of your
healing oh god, what would youdo differently if there were no
fear involved?
Speaker 2 (55:32):
No fear like meaning towards what?
Speaker 3 (55:35):
Just involved in general, like if you could just
do something about your lifedifferently, without any fear of
judgment, fear of failing.
Speaker 2 (55:43):
I'd try to be an R&B singer.
Speaker 3 (55:46):
Oh yeah, can you sing ?
No, oh, my God and b singer.
Speaker 2 (55:51):
Oh yeah, can you say no?
Oh my god, if I didn't have thefear, I'd jam for the fucking
try.
You'd be like chris brown.
He ain't chris brown in it, buthe, uh he, he's trying his
heart out.
Oh man, I wouldn't even broughtup chris brown, but I'm saying
I'll be trying to dance and flipand I'll probably end up in the
whole body cast.
But if I had no fear, that'swhat I'd be doing, because I
(56:14):
said man R&B singers bro.
Speaker 3 (56:20):
I think I'd be more trusting if I didn't have any
fear, because I don't trustthese things.
Speaker 4 (56:26):
Still don't trust me.
Speaker 3 (56:28):
I don't trust everybody.
I trust some people there,people, so few people I trust,
but it's not a whole lot of them.
I said me, I don't say people.
Yeah, I trust you don't but Ido trust you.
You know why?
Because I can count on you tonot be shit.
I already know that you can't Ialready know, yeah, I trust the
three, I trust all three of youthat you can't, and a few other
(56:50):
people but, um, but to like in,in, in like love situations, it
take a lot for me to likecompletely immerse myself in,
trusting I'd be like hell, no,you doing something there.
You, finna, do something,that's finna.
And it's not even necessarilycheating a lot.
I've not had a lot of peoplecheat on me.
(57:11):
It'd be the.
I've only had females cheat onme.
I've never had a man cheat onme.
So message yeah, I never.
I never had.
No, it's the bitches I neverhad.
No, no, man, uh, I've never hada man cheat on me.
Have I had a man?
Uh, lie, absolutely.
Have I had one that maybe hethought he was gonna cheat, but
I probably have picked up on itbefore he was able to, yes, but
(57:33):
to get to the act of cheating onme, no.
So I don't be worried aboutthose type of things.
I don't trust shit like you'regonna have your bill money on
time, or you're going I can cometo you if I don't have it, or
you, you know, I'm saying I, Idon't trust those type of things
.
So I think, if, if I could befearless and and trust those
type of things, that's probablywhat I would do I feel that, I
(57:56):
do feel that.
Yeah, I just know I, even if Iwas fearless, that would be the
shit I really wouldn't trust,like that I double down on that
shit because I don't trustpeople with shit like that
period so I don't think I Ican't see a life where I feel
like financially safe or likesupported, or like completely,
(58:17):
and I don't have to see it, toachieve it.
I don't know, I don't know, Imight not achieve that because I
can't.
I cannot see that.
That don't even seem likesomething that I don't know.
Speaker 1 (58:26):
We see, I'm gonna have to give you another session
kevin, uh, I think I wouldprobably leap, uh, without the
fear of falling, or you're gonnadraw my r&b group.
I mean fuck it are you guys?
Speaker 4 (58:41):
are you guys grasping for air?
Yeah oh, I'm in there too, wehave to.
Speaker 3 (58:45):
We're gonna have to do the drew hill dance, the the
drew hills oh, ain't nobodyfinna do the drew hills and pop
babies kneecaps to me 100, tellme stop doing your kids like
that yeah just trusting myability yeah, that's what I
would um, if I had no fear rightnow, I would just make the
(59:08):
content.
Speaker 2 (59:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (59:09):
Okay, okay, hey, and you're, I've been seeing you
make like posts where like it'slike a saying, and then you yeah
, my lethal thoughts.
I like those.
I've been sharing them.
I like those.
Yeah, I haven't made one in awhile.
They're good.
You should do those.
Speaker 2 (59:30):
Those are good.
I would just make the contentOnly fans.
Here I come.
Speaker 1 (59:32):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 4 (59:35):
Just don't show your face.
You make me feel weak.
Speaker 3 (59:42):
Your braider is so descriptive with the way she
does your hair, I'd be like that.
Look like me flying top of hisdamn head.
Is that me flying you just a?
Speaker 2 (59:52):
good vpn yes, I said see, that ain't even a high
stroke this is the last question, guys.
Speaker 3 (01:00:01):
Do you guys think we ever stop being in the pursuit
of who we actually are like?
Do you think we ever reallyfind ourselves?
Completely?
No, because I feel like we'realways evolving we're always
changing I agree so you neverreally find yourself.
Speaker 4 (01:00:13):
You, just you.
You constantly find plateaus ofwhere you're comfortable and
you sit there until you get adrive for more growth yeah, I
agree, I 100 agree.
Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
Okay, sure, sure, sure.
Can I say listen?
Speaker 1 (01:00:29):
I just I don't know, I kind of agree and I kind of
don't because like some of it islike I feel like you do have a
core of who you are and thenthere's things that evolve in
that around it.
Speaker 4 (01:00:38):
But yes, yes, that's why I say if a small part is
changing, kevin, you're stillchanging that's why I didn't
want to talk to you.
Speaker 3 (01:00:45):
We was gonna go into semantic land I'm not gonna let
y'all make fly dizzy, did youagree?
I?
Speaker 2 (01:00:51):
agree, and it made me think about what andreas is
always, because he always tellsme about, um, every fucking
anime character and he alwayssays that they had their
awakening.
I was like, yeah, so I haven'thit my awakening points.
Speaker 3 (01:01:03):
Yes, that's a great way to think.
Speaker 4 (01:01:05):
That's a smart little boy depending on the anime,
that could be a good or a badthing yeah, yeah, that's true,
I've never seen anime I have.
You know, you haven't seenmoondog I've probably seen some
some anime.
Speaker 3 (01:01:17):
I don't know what.
Any of it's called.
Speaker 2 (01:01:18):
John loves anime, so I'm I've seen him see it and
he'll tell me about differentversions of different characters
and I'm like what's up?
So I haven't hit my awakeningpoint, yet that's all josh
johnson.
Speaker 1 (01:01:28):
He's talking about the kids.
He was like we went to schoolwith a kid who liked anime but
he thought it was like real lifeand he let it affect things
like you know, like the way heruns, and I was like, oh, I know
exactly what he's talking aboutthe niggas that the naruto run
yeah this has been anotherepisode of the heavyweight
podcast.
Speaker 3 (01:01:47):
Yay, make sure you like.
Subscribe.
Share comment all that shituntil next time real quick, real
quick.
Speaker 2 (01:01:54):
Uh, shout out to clinton marcos.
He was a dude I I worked withat ups.
He he said something to me thatthat meant a lot to me, so I
gotta flex real quick.
He said he really, really likedseeing me in my element of
being a dad and it made himhappy.
Speaker 3 (01:02:07):
So that's what's up oh, thank, thank you, that was
nice.
Speaker 2 (01:02:11):
It meant a lot to me, so shout out to Clinton Go
Clinton.
I'm going to keep that andappreciate you.
Speaker 3 (01:02:15):
That was sweet of him .
Go Clinton, Alright Clinton.
Well, thank you guys all forwatching.
We appreciate your support.
Until next time.
Speaker 2 (01:02:23):
Peace.
Speaker 1 (01:02:27):
That's a wrap, y'all.
That's all she wrote, so makesure you click like subscribe.
Tune in.
We're on the Austrian platform,so until next time we'll hide
at you.
Welcome to the Heavyweight Podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
The message behind saying the title of the
Heavyweight Podcast is to beable to say that we can weigh in
on some heavy shit.
What we're talking about isimportant from every aspect of
it.
It's a heavy weight.
It's not just about physicalweight, but the weight of things
that can weigh our minds.
So I think it's dope that wecan have this conversation mind.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
So I think it's dope that we can have this
conversation.
So I think one of the parts ofbeing an adult that we don't get
taught is how to have selfaccountability, how to kind of
just take accountability of whoyou're becoming, letting go of
old thoughts so that you can bethe next version of yourself.
So today we're going to talkabout our identities as adults.
This is episode 204 of theheavyweight podcast.
(00:52):
I'm des the diva and once againI'm back with my three favorite
gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Introduce yourself, guys uh, I go by the name of uh
tracy chapskin.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Oh Okay, Tracy.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
You know, she got a fast car.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
Introduce yourself this nigga's hilarious.
First of all, off the the top,you said 204 and I'm mad because
you should have said 205.
It's your boy, molito um.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
I'm punch slump mcfly uh what punch, slump mcfly.
Remember the punch saved mylife oh, oh it did.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
But why the slump, though?
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Because he slumped over yeah he slumped him.
He slumped over.
How were your weeks, gentlemen,better.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Oh, you know what?
This week was better.
This week was way better.
Speaker 4 (02:01):
Oh man, the repairs are done.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
That's what's up?
The repairs are done.
All what's up, the repairs aredone all right thank god for
insurance.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
A lot of motherfuckers in the house
making a lot of noise, but, yeah, thank god for insurance.
Had an old person tell us, hey,you're doing it the right way
though.
And I'm like, thanks, Icouldn't pay for this with my
own money.
Shit, they definitely ran it up.
They probably did more thanthey needed to.
(02:28):
Oh, definitely.
I was like you didn't need tocut all of that out Definitely.
But go ahead Definitely.
I'm happy with that.
Speaker 4 (02:37):
What's up Yours?
It was better than last week,but it was expensive.
We are two weeks out.
I'm leaving for camp and I hadto buy three leotards.
Put money back for snacks.
I had to tell my mother-in-lawthat she cannot bring anybody
(02:59):
with her.
You barely got a spot yourself.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 4 (03:04):
And just working.
You know you barely got a spotyourself.
Oh my God, just working.
You know, gym fees, life, butmy wife's ass is still fat.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Well, alright, how about you?
As Sebastian says my wife, thebody is tea.
The body is tea.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
t shout out to sebastian, whose body is
actually t?
Oh man I.
I went back to work and wemissed you.
It wasn't the same and had todeal with uh, the, the company,
and the realization that a lotof times, shop stewards don't do
much for you then we doing shitthey just blow smoke up your
ass all the way so you're overhere thinking oh yeah, like what
(03:52):
, what's?
So what's the purpose of youintervening here, if, if, it
doesn't change anything, butanyway, yeah yeah well, I had a
good week.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
I didn't do shit, it was a good week how's that
different from the other week?
You such a damn hater.
I do a lot in a week your girlis out here making moves, baby.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
I do a lot in a week it doesn't matter what you see.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
A lot of shit ain't for you you right, I'm not.
Speaker 4 (04:16):
I'm not your demographic your demographic
ain't real, niggas.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
I got the realest niggas on my demographic.
That's why I don't come downyour motherfucking timeline.
Nigga, it's always a nigga witha mouth sitting next to me on
this side.
It's a real nigga on this sideand a nigga with a mouth on this
side and a nigga with jokesover there.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
I just didn't know.
We need to pause a nigga with amouth.
Speaker 4 (04:47):
Do we pause that, or no, we'll keep that in there.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
That's my wife who are you when nobody's watching?
Tell me that.
That's what I want to knowabout you.
Let's start with you.
Who are you when nobody'swatching, and do you like this
version of yourself?
You, the same nigga all thetime I get on my own nerves uh,
yeah, I can see that happening,do you?
Like this version of yourself.
Speaker 4 (05:08):
I do like the version of the person.
I'm becoming All right.
I do like my healing fit self.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (05:19):
It's a different me.
It really is better for allparties that are involved, all
people I'm around.
It's better because I have thetools in place to control my
rage and my anger, and so itreally benefits everybody, not
just me.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
Well, that's good I like this.
The thing about it is thisnigga be lying to y'all.
This nigga love me.
Okay, he does, he does.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
The way you said these, I got these real niggas
on my demographic.
I was like it, just it sounded.
It didn't sound likedemographics but you meant, oh
what?
What does he mean?
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
It just sounded the way she phrased it, just like
jockstrap.
Yeah, like they on my like.
I got real niggas on my like.
I was like damn like and do yougot real niggas on my strap and
and do okay.
Thank you very much I justnever looked at demographic in
that like show ass up, maurice,damn Maurice.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
Damn.
It's like a new definition of Dor something.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Do you?
Who are you when no one'swatching?
Speaker 2 (06:31):
That's actually An obsessive nigga that talks to
himself a lot.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
You do.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
You talk to the realest nigga.
You know, because you know youcan't call this nigga yeah he
called me all the time.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
I knew you was going to say See, I was trying to
catch it before you said it.
Speaker 4 (06:47):
This nigga's lying, because I don't call him I don't
even understand why I have aphone.
I know why you got it For thebars.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Yeah, I mean a piece of paper could suffice.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
But the other part.
Speaker 4 (06:58):
What part is that?
The coping?
Oh yes, that's funny.
You got the phone to call out,call out sick yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
I don't even do that, though.
No, I walk in and say, hey,thursday, friday, and I don't
even have to finish the sentencealright, see you next week,
alright yeah, I'm mellow whennobody's watching.
Speaker 3 (07:25):
I'm real mellow.
I'm like I like to.
I'm very much like to put myfeet in the grass and hug trees
and shit.
I'm super mellow when nobody'swatching super chill.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
I believe it super, super chill, I think.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
I enjoy solitude too.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
I think I got a little bit of diva in me okay,
you better be a diva.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Care for the diva.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
A little bit sometimes If ain't nobody in the
car and a little Rihanna orsomething.
Come on, ain't nothing wrongwith that?
I got a couple moves that I'mlike I would never do this in
front of nobody.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Ain't nothing wrong with that, like karaoke, like
moves?
Or are you just saying likeLook here.
Yeah, karaoke moves Like a note, some of the mannerisms, oh
okay, Gotcha Nigga.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
I ain't never doing this Well.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
I would love to drive past your ass in traffic.
Speaker 4 (08:16):
Don't be ashamed of that shit, Kev.
I don't give a damn.
Let Cocoa ass be singer.
I'm singing every word like shesing it.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
Can I post SWv without you?
Speaker 1 (08:26):
coco see like I can't get myself to pop ass, but I
get this urge when rihanna, comeon, I'll be like nah nigga like
triggered me.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
no, no.
Last night I was playing mysongs for uh the baby and he
usually always like my, mycheerleading squad, and at some
point he put his hands on hisknees and was trying to pop.
I said where the fuck did youget that from?
Speaker 3 (08:52):
And it threw me like I think babies all naturally do
that.
I think that's a natural babydance.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
He was.
I said that Is he trying totwerk?
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Well, Gracelyn is more like Elvis.
It's weird.
Like when she started doing hershit I was like what the fuck?
Who does that?
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Really Fucking at Grace, all right.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
That's Graceland.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
Well played oh.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
God.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Well played.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
That shit cracked me up, though, though I just like
it she's so cute.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Who is this?
She's so cute.
What part of your identity doyou feel is most misunderstood?
My face touche, nigga touche.
They think I'm always madbecause you do look always mad.
I couldn't figure you out whenI first met you either oh shit I
kept asking like how do I is?
Speaker 2 (09:48):
he mad I think it's my personality in general.
It's like it's like peopleintentionally try to
misunderstand me, which is weirdI don't know.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
People do it all the time intentionally.
You are completely differentthan I thought you were now that
I know you in in person.
I liked you before.
I always thought you was prettydamn cool.
I like you better now that Ikind of have like a better like
understanding of yourpersonality.
So it might not be that they'reintentionally misunderstanding
you.
You put so little out there forus to know.
(10:19):
You really have to spend timewith you to kind of get an idea
of what your personality is, butI didn't disappoint.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
You know what they say about your heroes perfect
timing I had to, I had that wasplayed, well played that was
extremely
Speaker 3 (10:43):
I want to say something else though I'm glad
that you, when you talking man,I'm tired of you, I'm tired of
you real bad, real fucking bad.
Just you answer the damnquestion what?
What part of you?
Speaker 1 (10:54):
my face, your face, yes, you sir I think people
think I'm fucking sweet, likethey think they get like like
okay, Like okay sweet.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Like they can try you .
Yeah, I'm like what the fuck.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Like they think like I got more grit than they know
Like I, and that's fine, thoughFuck it.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
Yeah, I get that same thing.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
No, I didn't get that from you.
I definitely feel like you'rethe type of person that you have
the grit.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
It's just it probably takes you a while to get there.
It takes a whole lot to getthere, but it's like I don't
know.
I just feel like sometimes yeah, and that's where we're the
opposite I'm.
I start with yeah, you startwith the bullshit.
You go directly to nigga shitlike sandpaper but I feel like
once you you get there, niggasjust need to move yeah, I don't
go there, though there ain't noneed, but it's like not even
that, like even.
Speaker 4 (11:47):
Well, I guess it's just when that niggas get there
oh yeah, oh uh yeah I tellniggas all the time you piss
them off enough.
I can't help you because I'mnot strong enough to stop them.
All I can do is talk to you,you, you.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
The day that we were in here sitting and you were
angry, and when the car pulledup, baby, when I tell you I had
my purse on my lap, I was finnago, I said hell, no, I'm not
finna be witness to this mandragging this man up and down
this damn garage.
I'm about to go.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
I wouldn't have done that to kevin's.
I had my purse where I wasready to go.
So kevin's a real one, becausehe looked at me like nigga,
don't come outside.
I got it.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
I said oh, he sure did, he sure did.
I said oh god, and I'm justhere going, you okay this nigga
really showed up like anywayyeah, you're definitely not the
one.
I I want to be making mad.
Let's see.
Um, does it feel like this is agood one?
Does it feel like you had tobecome an adult before you were
(12:50):
ready?
most definitely hell yes, but Ifeel like, more than once like I
feel like in my childhood I wasadulting before I was ready,
and then I feel like, once Iturned 18, my mom was like bitch
, you grow, go figure it out.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
I picture all was putting on a pot of coffee and
getting the day started at sevenyears old some shit right,
that's literally how it was,though.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
I feel like, no, no, I feel like I had the space just
by all the like.
I had shit that we had to dealwith as a kid that wasn't normal
for kids shit, but I had thespace to I nigga.
I feel like I grew up latedoing a lot of the stupid shit I
did, but like that's good thatI had that.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
You had a good childhood.
No, I did, I did.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
I had some wild shit in it, but overall, yeah, I had
some wild shit in it, butoverall, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
I don't think I ever really got to be a kid.
I think that's why I like shit.
Now that kids will do like Iwill borrow your kids and take
them to the damn.
See the damn Lilo and Stitch,because I well, she's free
tomorrow.
I'm telling you right nowbecause I because I didn't get
to do a lot of those things andlike I like to blow bubbles, I
love flying kites.
I love flying kites I keep.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
I mean, you don't lose that, even if you didn't do
it I never did if you did do it, you know.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
I thought she was talking slang blowing bubbles no
flying kites oh you're talkingabout?
Speaker 3 (14:16):
I don't want to go to jail.
No, that's not true.
There's the diva it's not forme, but I do.
I like to do a lot of likethings that I should have gotten
to do as a kid.
I didn't get to do.
You can catch me fingerpainting oh good thing, you went
there.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Finger painting.
Yeah, Because we was talkingabout Jill and I was like she'd
be the punishment.
Put your gun down.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
Best damn finger painting you ever fucking.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Finger painting is the punishment Best damn one.
All these slang words, I don't.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
That you ever saw.
You can do it, though Stillblack foal.
Speaker 4 (14:58):
I feel like I had to grow up quick and because you
know the situation I was in andbecause you know the situation I
was in, like, where I had to be, I had the situation where I
had to be big brother takingcare of baby sister type thing
and make sure she was okay.
(15:18):
So I had to.
There was a part of me where Ihad to have actually worry about
my siblings during the timeswhere I was staying with,
actually worry about my siblings, um, during the times where I
stand with my mom, type typesituation.
That definitely made me grow up.
But then I also have pointswhere when I was with my
grandparents I had I had a greatchildhood but then part of that
was because I was soself-sufficient and I did what I
(15:41):
had to do, or, and I did itgood in school, I didn't really
get in trouble, stuff like that.
I did what I had to do and Idid it good in school, I didn't
really get in trouble, or stufflike that.
I was kind of isolated becauseit was like, oh, we don't have
to worry about him.
So it was like oh, he's fine, sowe're going to focus somewhere
else.
You know type thing, Like weknow, like we're not getting
called up to the school for real.
He's bringing home the.
(16:01):
It was good and I got anythingI asked for, but it was still
kind of lonely, so I had tolearn how to cope with being
alone and essentially beingresponsible for myself even
though I wasn't reallyresponsible for myself.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Does latchkey count, though?
Because I didn't even thinkabout that because I had to be.
We just was home.
It was just me and my sister.
She's two years older than me.
I mean, that's how it was meand my sister.
Speaker 4 (16:24):
she's two years older than me.
We just I mean, that's how itwas in the night, you were the
babysitter.
Speaker 3 (16:27):
Yeah, oh yeah, child care oh yeah, I babysat
dominique, so them.
I said somebody told me happymother's day when I was like 12.
I'm like this is my fuckingsister.
What do we?
Dominique got to the point sheput her own damn stroller out
sitting there and like herselfshe knew we was going outside
yeah, I mean.
Speaker 4 (16:43):
So I think that that I did.
There was parts of my lifewhere I felt like I had to grow
up like, and there was underlike I also had to understand
that, even like as a teenager,like my grandparents were older,
they can't, they couldn't dothe stuff other parents could do
.
So I knew I couldn't ask themfor certain things or deduce or
take me certain places.
I just knew that physicallythey weren't able to do it.
So so it was like that point.
(17:04):
It was like, yeah, I understandthat some of this I had to do,
figure out on my own how to getdone, type deal.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
So what were your expectations of adulthood?
When you were a child, Likewhat did you think it?
Speaker 4 (17:17):
was going to be like, let's say, pre-teenage.
Pre-teenage.
Oh yeah, McFly answered thequestion.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Damn Des you did.
I'm sorry, mcfly, go ahead,damn.
Speaker 4 (17:28):
I know he's mic number four, but you ain't got
to treat him like that.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Oh, and then you're going to rub the mic.
Faux shit in.
Speaker 4 (17:36):
I let him slide.
Last week episode.
I didn't say what I wanted tosay.
Ouch, ouch.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
I know there were a lot of times in childhood that I
realized I had to grow up fastand there were times like when
my mom had me in St Louis andshe got arrested and I had to
walk home at four years old andI remember thinking this shit
ain't normal, but it was.
I felt fine and if you knowwhat st louis is like, it ain't
(18:10):
a place to feel like that, it'sa very fucking hood place.
And um, there was another time,uh, my sister was still getting
to know her her father's side,uh, because my sister had a
different father but he diedbefore she was born.
Um, so she was trying to get toknow her other siblings from
(18:30):
his side and I remember hangingout with her and seeing shit
like I was some projects thather her family was was was
hanging out at or living in, andsome random girl thought she
was some guy, that or some girlthat was fucking with her man or
something, and she came inwielding a knife and I remember
(18:51):
they had to push the door to tryto push the door closed and
she's willing to knife and shestabbed my uh sister right at
like below her hip and Iremember I don't know, at that
time I just it clicked to me.
I was like I remember yellingout like stop messing with my
sister.
And when she realized it was akid there, she pulled the knife
away and took off.
But I remember in thoseinstances I had to learn that I
(19:17):
had to be strong, even inessence I felt like I had to be
the man when my sister was beingattacked and she's fucking 10
years older than me, but I'm atthat time I'm like no fuck that
Like you're messing with mysister.
So it was like there's a lot ofinstances growing up where you
just realize you've got to bestrong than what you maybe
needed to be or should be.
(19:37):
But as growing up fucking fastand and realizing that the
custody battles between theparents, they take the biggest
toll on the kids, so that was,that was a kind of constant norm
.
So I never felt comfortable, uh, to just be a kid, until maybe
I was uh, pushing towards teenand my dad kind of got a little
(20:00):
bit more stability in california.
But before that, yeah, it wasalways grow up fast because it's
life don't stop never, I'llstart on this side with you.
Speaker 3 (20:16):
Um, what expectations did you believe that adulthood
would be like?
And I will say from like thepreteen years?
Speaker 2 (20:24):
my expectation or belief I had and it was funny is
it was I always thought youknow, you get a job, find a, a
girl, date, eventually marry.
That was the thing what I.
That was funny because itwasn't at all a blueprint that I
ever saw in life.
So it was.
It's interesting to see it andsay that this way it should be
(20:46):
like.
But the expectation, thereality, was way different.
But it yeah.
In my life growing up it was oh, you know, you've made it.
When you have a job and thenyou're able to be self
sufficient and that's it.
But past that, no, it was.
That wasn't my reality.
(21:07):
But that's what I expectedabout adult men y'all bitches we
all nah, I'm playing you gotbalconies.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
You never wanted bitches.
You got exactly what you wanted, oh no.
I did.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
Those are oh all today, what you do, I think some
of them apply.
One thing I, one thing I didalways want was kids.
I always said I wanted kids andI just happened to be bonded
with someone who wanted kids butdidn't want kids to later in
(21:40):
life.
So I felt like all my goodknees ears are gone good knees,
yeah, yeah knees years are gone,fit knees.
Yeah, the years are gone.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Those years are gone.
Your lower back still here.
Speaker 4 (21:48):
Yeah, it's still here .
Speaker 2 (21:49):
At least you got that .
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Yeah, yeah he gonna figure out how to make them
knees work If she tell him shecan bend over a damn balcony.
That's what step ladders arefor.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
Oh so yeah, like my thing was like I figured I'd
have some kids, married, wifehouse.
You know, I always said Iwanted to be a lawyer and I
never understood why and thenwhen I got older I said I only
want that for the money, stressboy.
Yeah and yeah.
I just I thought it's sad thatyou said that I'm thinking about
(22:27):
it.
My life wouldn't what I thoughtmy life would be.
It's kind of like similar towhat it is now.
I mean, I have more money, butother than that, no.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
It's not that far off .
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Kevin, I don't know.
I've had a lot of fucking weirdexpectations and some have come
to fruition, some of themhaven't.
(22:58):
Like, I guess, the stages inlife.
I remember pretending to drivearound like a little car and
shit, playing fucking Crazy Boneno, I get it weird.
But then I was at some pointwhere I was like, oh shit, I got
my own car and I'm drivingaround bumping crazy, boom, like
hell, yeah.
Like it felt like not anexpectation on what adulthood
would be, cause it's like whothe fuck?
I don't know.
I wasn't thinking about shitlike that as a kid.
It was like I thought I wasgoing to be a fucking engineer
(23:20):
or the president and shit.
Like I thought engineer or thepresident and shit like I
thought, yeah, I thought I wasgonna be the president.
Yeah, I believe that shit I did.
It was a good school dude,probably not, but but um, I
don't know.
I always had an expectation ofgrandeur, I guess you would say,
and I'm happy the way thingshave turned out.
(23:44):
So, cause I look at the waythings are with the way people
have to live in certain aspectsSay, I wanted to do
entertainment at some point andI thought that's what it was
going to be I'm like, did Ireally want that?
The way it looks at?
Like, do I want it to go thisway?
Cause it's a slower route andit's like I can build up and do
it this way, the right way,instead of just, oh, I'm gonna
(24:08):
jump in and sign on this.
You know what I mean.
So it's a lot like mo said,it's a lot like right now,
that's what he expected be ableto like.
I love my family, I love myhouse, I love everything I got
and that's almost all I wanted.
You know what I mean.
So I don't know if that was theexpectation, but that's what.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
I guess I set out to do that's funny Cause I didn't
picture any of that for me.
What the?
I just thought it was work Like, yeah, I didn't think, oh, a
house, kids, any of that.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
Yeah, I was in my head.
It was like a motherfucking 32bedroom house and then I'm like
nigga who the?
Fuck is going to clean that.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Let's see that electric bill like but yeah, I
get it's.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
you're in that environment like I've never been
, but I know motherfuckers, stLouis, and you're like, oh,
nigga like but I did always.
Speaker 4 (25:02):
I did always want a marriage to kind of model after
what I saw with my grandparentsand.
I knew like.
That's the one thing.
The one thing I give my, mybiological parents for is that
you.
They taught me exactly what Ididn't want to do and what I
didn't want, so they taught me alesson in a sense mine did too
mine taught me both to be honest.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
I just stopped fucking.
Tv ruined my belief on shit.
I used to think certain thingswere based on like relationships
, based on television shows.
I'm like, oh, so it's supposedto be like that.
No that was what cause.
That was the only thing exampleI had.
My dad wasn't um, he did a lotof fucking.
Oh he wasn't really on thisrelationship tip.
(25:44):
The only examples I had wastelevision brady bunch nah I'm
talking like it's like familymatters and shit that was a
great show, great show it's backit's back where on netflix.
Speaker 3 (26:06):
Huh, I'll be watching that when I get home what about
you?
oh, what about me?
My life don't look a goddamnthing like how I thought it was
going to look.
Not a one motherfucking thing.
Shit is ghetto.
It doesn't look like I wantedto be a mom with kids and I
think I essentially wanted tobuild the family I didn't have
(26:27):
as a kid, like I wanted to havea two parent household with
children and we do thingstogether and you know, and it
didn't turn out that way, I gotHayden's fucking daddy Calm down
.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Demotion we can relate.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
Who don't listen to a motherfucking daddy?
Speaker 4 (26:49):
See, you said, y'all don't like four.
Two.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Fo.
Speaker 3 (26:54):
Mike Fo Hay.
Oh Mike, fucking daddy.
Yeah, I wanted to be a parent.
Still, may I'd be thinkingabout adoption here and there.
Speaker 4 (27:02):
I got one with my baby.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
But yeah, you know it .
Just it didn't turn out how Ithought it was gonna be, but I
think I was looking at it moreof a, not what I actually
thought adulthood was like, butmore than what I needed in that
moment and what I could createas an adult.
Yeah, but all in all, I havebeen blessed.
Um, I've never been without alike really more than a moment
without a job, without money,without roof over my head.
(27:30):
I've always been able tomaintain myself.
So I mean, I'm gonna post yourcash app on the page and see can
we get somebody to bless it,because it's not gonna be me
baby, so you're gonna have to goahead.
Speaker 4 (27:42):
I don't have a cash app.
I just said that you don't.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Oh you sure the hell don't.
That's very true, yeah, okay.
Um, so how do you handle thepressures of being the strong
one, and what happens whenyou're not the strong one?
I cry.
Are you being serious?
Speaker 4 (28:00):
yeah, I cry it's good for the soul it is.
It is um and then I wipe myface away and look myself in the
mirror and say, nigga, do youknow what you gotta do?
Speaker 3 (28:11):
I, like most, most women, get back to work I don't
know what the fuck it feels liketo not be the strong one.
I have no idea.
I probably would lose my mindif I didn't have to be the
strong one.
Speaker 4 (28:23):
I don't know what that's like, I think I think
it's harder for my wife when Ithink about it, cause now it's
like with me being the strongone.
She has to be strong for me,because the way our, our
marriage relationship is set upis like it's kind of like that
(28:45):
shirt on the wolf, uh, on thewoodrope, or like you got.
You gotta be careful what yousay to a man, because if, if I
see my wife cry, I'm going tocry, and when I find out who's
the reason behind her crying, Ihave nothing but rage and anger
for you, we can discuss whathappened later, but you're going
to have to get your ass kickedfirst.
So I do think she struggleswith being the strong one for
(29:08):
the strong one, because I thinkshe struggles with being strong
in a different way.
As far as she I, she reallydoes try to not overwhelm my
plate because she knows Ialready stack it high myself.
So it might, it might not be nobetter, it is no, I get it, I
(29:29):
get it yeah, but it sucks beinga strong woman.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
It does.
Speaker 4 (29:32):
Can't take no days off.
Speaker 3 (29:33):
You sure the fuck can't.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
Hey Kim, Do you want the mushrooms?
Again, you just got to ignorethat shit.
Just turn it off, fuck them.
Got to give yourself a day.
Speaker 4 (29:46):
Every 28 days that mortgage is due.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Oh yeah, you can't slip, you can't, you can't slip,
you can't like.
But you get a little moment yougotta give yourself a moment 28
days?
um, I don't know, man.
Sometimes it's nice, though, toknow the outcome of things, so
I guess that's what helps.
Like you get the reassurancefrom shit when people let you
(30:14):
know, hey, thanks for that, orI'm glad you was there for that,
or hey, you know what I mean.
Like the reassurance makes itbetter.
What was this?
This little kid, both of themgo inside girls.
So this little kid, both ofthem Go inside girls.
(30:35):
So I don't know.
I think it's just.
I find a way, like I put themisters in the backyard, and
that's sometimes my littlegetaway.
Lean back, yeah, I got to get arecording sign.
Lean back, yeah, I gotta get arecording sign.
And then, yeah, that's the wayto do it.
(31:00):
Find little ways, big fly.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
I think writing helps me a lot and I often write.
I probably haven't recordedmost of it, but I like to write
and it helps me kind of get outof my head that makes sense.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
And let me say this about about women who are strong
, um, who are strong in aleadership, leadership position.
I don't know how not to bestrong.
So, when it's not that no manhas ever tried to be the
strength, I just the onerelationship I had where the man
did try to to be the leader, Iwas so, um, consumed with
(31:49):
leading because I have done itfor so long I didn't know how to
step back because he because he, literally I did date someone
prior to hayes daddy that he washe was a cold ass leader, like
I mean, like he had a plan.
It included me.
I didn't want to do it becauseI didn't, it wasn't my plan
(32:10):
looking back how's that?
um, I feel real foolish forthose, for those mistakes and
and not at least hearing him outand trying it the way that he.
He wanted to do it because hehad a.
He had such a phenomenal planthat he went forth and did his
plan and he is in a verysuccessful a situation now,
because is he a millionaire?
(32:30):
He's not a millionaire, buthe's doing real, real good.
Oh, that's for sure.
Speaker 4 (32:33):
Real, real, real, real good it sounds like to me,
is that you suffer from the factthat you could never depend on
anyone and you've always had todepend on yourself.
So the thought of depending onsomeone else, oh, we're not
gonna talk about that.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
I got on mascara it's frightening yeah, it is.
No, that's the truth, that'sthe truth.
And then what I.
Speaker 4 (32:54):
You can't overcome that unless you trust.
That's the hard part.
Speaker 3 (32:57):
I have to be able to be comfortable trusting the
person.
Speaker 4 (33:03):
I'm saying that's the hard part.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
Yeah, but what I'm saying is so, looking back in
hindsight, I can see where hadhad I followed that, that other
man who got the same name ashayden's daddy, by the way.
It's crazy, uh, I probably itwould have been the right thing
to do, but I couldn't followhayden's daddy.
(33:27):
That way he's going to drag meto hell.
Speaker 4 (33:32):
I can't speak to that .
It's the truth.
Speaker 3 (33:35):
It's the truth.
So I'm going to work on thatbefore I be too too committed
anywhere else, because, whoknows, the next situation God
puts me in may be somebody whohas that type of ability to be
able to lead, and I'm going tohave to be able to shut the fuck
up a little bit.
And I'm going to have to beable to shut the fuck up a
little bit, and I'm going tohave to shut your ass up, damn
(33:57):
it.
I'm going to have to.
I'm going to have to be betterat that Cause.
I'm not good at it right now.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Accountability.
Speaker 4 (34:08):
You acknowledge that.
So it's, it's, you're starting.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
Yeah, I suck at that, I'm not.
You acknowledge that, so it's,it's you're starting.
Yeah, I suck at that, I'm not,but, but I'm, I'm.
There's no shame to my mom.
She did a great job, but I wasraised by a single mom.
So I think this is thenarrative.
With a lot of women that wereraised by a single mom, we're
getting told you don't, don'trely on a nigga, you don't need
a nigga for nothing.
In reality, we need each otherand we need to be you, you know
(34:33):
gentle with each other.
Speaker 4 (34:35):
I didn't learn that.
You know we talked about thatHuh.
My wife and I talked about that, because she was raised by a
single mom and I was raised in atwo parent and so I had to.
There was a.
We had a lot of going back andforth.
I was like, look here, thatshit that you was raised on
ain't how it's supposed to be.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
No, care that that shit that you was raised on
ain't how it's supposed to be.
No, no, it's really not.
It's, it's unhealthy, it'sunhealthy.
Um, send me that.
If you did, you was it on tape.
Yeah, I don't know okay, if youcome across it, I would love to
see that, because I don't thinkI think single mom households in
.
In a lot of cases we fuck someof these women up real bad.
So that's just my, my littlelittle synth.
(35:17):
Um, let's see.
And have you ever felt like youhad to shrink yourself to fit
in or to survive?
yes, all the time or evensucceed, oh yeah um yeah, I
think I felt like I had toshrink myself most of my life.
That's why I come so big now ohI heard it too.
Speaker 4 (35:41):
I heard it too I heard it too, I heard it too oh,
damn it she said that mooselook will be permed oh man,
(36:01):
that's crazy.
Um, I would say, like I said I Iwent through a time in my life
where I always did feel alonebecause I was essentially raised
like an only child, even thoughI had all these brothers and
sisters right Once I was adoptedby my grandparents and I
identify how that kind of mademe want to fit in, to have
(36:24):
friends.
So I didn't feel like I wasalone and a lot of times I would
suppress who I was to fit in.
I would suppress who I was tofit in and when I got out of
that, that's when I started toreally understand who I was and
what I was capable of, andactually it was for the better
of me.
That's why, when I had saidthat message mixed by I can
(36:47):
relate to that because I used todo shit like that I would try
to fit in.
I didn't want to ruffle anyfeathers, I just wanted to be
included and as a kid, that'sreally all you want.
You just want to be included.
But I had to learn in adulthoodthat I'm not going to lower
myself to make someone else feelbetter.
So I just find my circle thatcan handle my personality and my
(37:09):
potential and heavy on thepotential.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
Yes, I, yeah, I've been there many a time in my
life, cause, uh, it was alwaysfeeling like when I was myself,
the people looked at me sidewaysand then so, like you said, you
just want to fit in and so youstart minimizing who you are to
please or to just be accepted,and eventually you hit a point
(37:39):
in that age where you realizethat if they can't be around you
being yourself, then they'renot for you.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
I used to do stupid ass shit when I was young to fit
in like extremely stupid shit,just to be a part, just to fit
in yeah you used to yeah, usedto.
I'm not doing a motherfuckingthing to fit in with these dudes
you ain't.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
I keep telling y'all I'm not shit y'all don't believe
me what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (38:12):
I don't do a motherfucking thing to fit in
with these dudes.
Speaker 4 (38:13):
You know you tell y'all I'm not shit.
Y'all don't believe me, I don'tdo a motherfucking thing to fit
in with these bitches.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
And and how was I fitting in?
I'm completely opposite thanany of the females that I run
with.
Any of the females I'm in acircle with.
Completely opposite doesn'tmake one of us better than the
other.
We all dope females, but I'mcompletely different than all of
them.
I don't try to fit in with noneof them.
I will I learn from them, andwill I educate them absolutely,
(38:40):
but do I try to fit in with them?
Speaker 1 (38:41):
no, I think um, I don't know if I minimize myself
to fit in, like I always just inmyself.
I feel like I minimize myself,I don't know why.
Actually, I think it's becauseI'm not, you're not getting a
different person, like when youget me out, you know what I mean
(39:05):
.
Fuck you laughing at shit.
Speaker 4 (39:11):
In my head I said this nigga, suck that tooth one
more time one, two go to the gap.
Speaker 3 (39:22):
I hate you get your friend, get, get, get your frame
McFly.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
I can't tell y'all any shit, my brain, just my
brain.
Like I was, look my cousin.
Environment was very hostile.
You had to be ready at alltimes to defend yourself at work
.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
I know, I appreciate it.
I don't need to be sucking myteeth in the mic.
I think, I don't know, I thinkmy minimization of myself, ah,
it comes from not fitting in,just, uh, fear of not, I guess,
(40:04):
achieving what I um shut out, Idon't know the.
Speaker 4 (40:09):
The cold part is in hindsight.
I really I kicked myselfbecause I realized how many
years I missed out on exploringthings I actually liked or was
into, because the people Iwanted to be around wasn't so I
would just suppress my intereststo try to fit in, and I
shouldn't have did that shit atall.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
I've done that.
Yeah, that's true.
We've definitely done that.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
Everybody answered.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (40:37):
When did you realize that no one was coming to save
you?
I think I always knew.
Speaker 1 (40:42):
What's that mean?
Like what do you mean?
No one's coming to save you.
Speaker 3 (40:45):
In general, no one's coming to save you, it's just
you against you.
Speaker 4 (40:51):
See, I don't believe that coming to save you it's
just you against you.
See, I don't believe that,because I believe I have someone
that will save me.
Speaker 3 (40:55):
Well, I haven't seen it in my life, so I don't think
anybody.
Speaker 4 (40:58):
My thing is I have to allow her to save me.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
Yeah, that's why I was asking like what do you mean
?
That was deep.
Speaker 4 (41:04):
That's my problem.
My problem is I allow her tocome in and be a safe space.
She's more than willing to.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
Five.
Speaker 3 (41:20):
Five, what Five.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
That's the one I realized.
No one's coming to save me.
Speaker 3 (41:23):
Oh man damn so you just get strong yeah, no, I
agree, you just you get strongare you sure?
Speaker 4 (41:39):
and?
Speaker 3 (41:40):
we don't want you to say what you thought.
Go ahead, kevin, because I'mtired of him.
He's right here nothing.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
It's almost the same as Mo in that one.
I uh, yeah, I think I'm therewith and I have that
conversation when I get in mymodes.
Uh, it's like, well, you gottatell me shit.
Like I'm not a mind reader, Ican't just know.
That's how you feel with stuffor this is what you're going
through.
So it's like the allowance isthe part I gotta work on because
(42:08):
I have someone there.
I have these kids fuck out ofhere.
They won't let that shit.
They see daddy in a certainspace or anything.
It's nuts how they respond tostuff.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Isn't it kind of weird how your child will say
something to you at the rightmoment to kind of get you back
on track?
You're like where the hell didthis come from?
Speaker 1 (42:30):
Them niggas made me cry with some of this shit.
Speaker 3 (42:32):
They say, well, I'm like oh, I don't have children
but hating gets me Told you,andreas.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
The one day I was pissed off playing 2K, he said
Dad, just do what you tell us,just walk away from a little bit
, come back.
I said, god, don't use myadvice on me.
Speaker 4 (42:52):
At least you know you're listening.
Speaker 3 (42:53):
Yeah, at least you know you're listening.
Yeah, hayden says the mostprofound things to be such a
little human and it like tripsme out to hear him.
Speaker 4 (43:03):
I'm like you came from that mama it's it's, I
think, with kids it's like it'sit's you know that it's just
them being honest.
It's like there's nothingbehind it, it's just like you're
not a boy like cause.
Sometimes you're like why don'tyou just do this?
Speaker 3 (43:15):
I'm like damn why didn't I see that?
I'm supposed to be the goddamnadult like am I, hayden, been
here before, though, like youcan convince me that this is not
his like second, second tripmaybe?
Maybe like he'd been here, likehe'd say shit and I'd just be
like, huh, you smart niggas,that crazy, god damn, yeah, he's
smart.
Like it, during one of mymiscarriages and we had hit it
(43:37):
from hitting, but he knew how, Idon't know he knew.
He told me like don't worryabout it, like you probably just
need to adopt a baby first, andthen, when you adopt a baby,
you gotta give us our own Castro.
And I'm like who, he's 10 like,who thinks about that?
Like, but he, he, literallythat's what his thought process
was and he got more sense thanyou.
(43:57):
Uh, excuse me uh, yeah, no oh mygod, you take the fuck out of
me I ate today you know what,and I'll take that.
He probably does have more senseto me.
I tell people all the time in aroom full of people Hayden is
the smartest nigga in there, sohe might he probably does have
(44:21):
have more sense to me.
He legitimately is.
Okay, sit up in there withHayden while he talk to you in
50 different damn languages andsee how the fuck that he can
read, write and speak, that he'sself-taught in and we gonna see
who the smartest nigga in theroom is challenge accepted?
okay, okay.
What's the cost been of you bealways being the responsible?
(44:43):
I'm gonna start over herebecause I'm tired of him talking
.
Uh, I'm sorry.
What was the question?
What is the cost been on youfor always being the responsible
one?
Speaker 2 (44:55):
the cost has honestly been no one checking on me to
make sure that I'm able tohandle everything that's thrown
at me.
So, instead of it like yeah,he's like oh, yeah, he usually
got it, but at some point itdoes, where you, you start to
wear thin and you start tofucking get exhausted and then
(45:18):
at some point, no one, it's justan assumption, oh, he got it
he's fine with it.
He could take care of it.
You don't realize it.
At some point you need to sayyou good please check on your
strong friends.
Speaker 3 (45:27):
You good like, do you , do you?
Speaker 2 (45:28):
still got it?
Do you need some?
They're gonna ask you if yougood, please check on your
strong friends.
You good like?
Do you?
Do?
You still got it?
Do you need some?
Speaker 4 (45:32):
nigga, I asked you if you good all the time I'm not
talking about that shit.
Speaker 2 (45:34):
I'm talking about shit I can't even talk to you
about, like it's just.
Speaker 4 (45:38):
But when I say you good, I'm talking about overall.
Do you good now, whether youchoose to share it, because
sometimes I do share it with you, but nigga you also don't like
I also don't like being judgedeither.
I don't judge.
Speaker 2 (45:51):
You judge, nigga, I do.
You're right, so like I giveyou enough information to not
have to hear the judging part.
Speaker 4 (46:03):
Just say judge free, I won't judge you.
I'll give you an honest answer.
Speaker 2 (46:07):
It's impossible.
Nigga, I've known you too long.
I know you no trust me, itworks.
Speaker 4 (46:12):
My wife and I, we practice it.
It works so you need a.
Speaker 3 (46:18):
I listen and I don't judge, friend.
Speaker 4 (46:20):
Yeah, but I don't think they exist.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
Kevin, don't judge.
I was going to say he's judging.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
Yeah, I don't think that exists.
They just won't tell you.
Speaker 3 (46:29):
Kevin, Kevin ain't judging nobody.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
I've talked to Kevin about certain things and I can
tell, like, when I, when I, whenI hit those points, Kevin know
when I'm coming to him.
It must be something to becauselike.
Speaker 1 (46:46):
But yeah, I know, I don't have that now.
I think I've gotten better atjust nah that's important yeah
hey, it's not, it's not me,that's not my responsibility.
Like the shit at home.
Yeah, that's I.
I made that like this is theshit I chose.
(47:06):
Like the other shit is like nah, nigga I didn't that ain't on
me what's the question?
Speaker 3 (47:15):
it's what has the the cost been of you being the
responsible one all the time?
Speaker 4 (47:19):
yeah, I can't, I don't know.
I don't know if I could have acost, I think.
I think the biggest cost is mysleep and how much I stress over
making sure I fulfill thepromises I have made.
Speaker 2 (47:36):
Yes, Breaking up out of sleep.
Speaker 4 (47:40):
Yeah, that's it.
I understand that it doesn'tmatter how much my wife tries to
reassure me or how well thingsare going.
Even if I know I'm good thisweek and next week, well, I'm
thinking about three weeks fromnow.
That's how it goes.
(48:00):
Now.
What do I need to do to makesure I'm good in three weeks?
And it never stopped and mywife goes I don't know how, just
live it.
I said I can't live.
I said, as who I am, as yourhusband and as the father of
that beautiful child, I can'tthink in the moment Because I
got to make sure that you'regood tomorrow.
And then the day after that andthe day after that.
(48:22):
So just because you're goodtoday don't mean I can just
relax.
No, I got to make sure you'regood until I'm not, even when
I'm not here when I'm notbreathing, I gotta make sure
you're good.
That's, yeah, that's a constantit's a it's a hard switch to
switch off.
So when I get my two or threehours to myself, which is mostly
in the gym, and the switch thatshit off, let me have this.
Speaker 2 (48:41):
Let me have this because when I walk out, this
motherfucker, I'm thinking abouthow the fuck I'm finna pay this
mortgage in 28 days again yeah,remember we had that talk when
we were hooping um, when I toldyou I was like shit, I had to
come out of pocket for somethingunexpected, right then and I
was like fuck.
I was like, yeah, I have tothat the money to do it.
But it was just now.
(49:02):
I gotta think about, yeah, howto recover from yeah, I don't
know.
Speaker 1 (49:06):
I just I took that question because I don't equate
things in the house where I'mlike that's just I don't that's
not just life yeah, that's shitthat I don't know.
I feel like I put that, but Itook that as outside shit where
it's like trying to puteverything on me but even like
the outside shit, kind of likethat's where I'm like to speak
to that mind I've only acceptedoutside shit that I that I rock
(49:28):
for it.
Speaker 4 (49:28):
So, like the podcast where me and my wife got going
on my daughter'sextracurriculars, it's shit that
I rock with.
If I don't rock with it or Ifeel like it's not beneficial to
me or my family, I just likeyou say, I just say no.
Speaker 1 (49:40):
I don't care how you feel yeah, I think that's what I
, that's what I answered thatway, because it was more of
that's how I've.
Speaker 2 (49:48):
I don't allow the things that ain't supposed to be
there be there there's a reasonwhy certain people, uh that
we've had uh interaction withstop asking me shit, because at
some point they know I'm like.
Speaker 4 (50:05):
I just give a look like in this, but it it's like
it.
It's like I've constructed mylife to a point to where, like
we're talking earlier, I havethe things I asked for.
I have my wife, I have my child.
I asked for these things.
They are my responsibility andI take full responsibility and I
take it seriously.
And because I take thatseriously, I am willing to
(50:26):
forsake all others for my family.
And once you understand, onceyou understand that about me,
you understand how I move,because if it's not beneficial
to myself or in my family, evenif it's beneficial to me but not
beneficial for my family, I'mnot going to do it Because I'm
willing to sacrifice myself forthem.
Speaker 2 (50:45):
And that's what resonated with me about Dirty
Birdie, when he said that likethere's certain things that I'm
not willing to cross if it meanshurting yeah their well-being
like.
So as me breaking it like whenI had that talk to you that same
day, I remember I went to sleep.
I woke up at two or three inthe morning thinking about how
(51:08):
the fuck I'm gonna pay this whatthe fuck I'm gonna do over here
.
How do I move that Like, and itwas like go to sleep, I can't go
to sleep.
My brain's, like, it's active,it's ready to go, like, so it's
thinking about what moves I gotto make to make sure I recover
back and it's.
But that shit's like arevolving door of constant how,
how, how.
So, like everything else Idon't have, I don't hesitate to
(51:28):
say no to, because I understand,like this shit, like you said,
I signed up for it, so like Ican't just I can't cut that off.
Speaker 1 (51:37):
I stress, when it's uh, when, when it's office hours
, oh yeah.
I can't Well yeah, I'm likeI'll try to plan it, but then,
like there's certain things,like if it's a stressful
situation, I'll be like well, Icould find the solution in my
head and think it, but I'm likenigga, I can't do nothing about
it right now.
I can't, Honestly.
(52:05):
I could try to call, but I'mlike, okay, take a break,
Regroup.
Speaker 2 (52:11):
I guess that's just part of the tools.
Have you ever had a situationwhere you plowed it out in your
mind like, oh, I'm about to dothis and I'm going there, and
you have it all planned in yourmind.
But when I get in there and I'mwalking here, I'm going to have
this, I had meetings at work orwhatever and you go in there
and nothing goes as what yousaid.
Even worse, they kind of just gookay, nigga, I planned this
shit and now you're just okayingme.
What the fuck?
No, you're going to listen tothis motherfucking speech.
Speaker 4 (52:33):
I'm finna get these thoughts off.
You finna hear me, motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (52:37):
You'll just fucking comply, fuck.
Speaker 1 (52:39):
Absolutely.
I think that's the wind.
Oh no, that's.
That's a child.
Yeah, it's cool, you push him.
Speaker 4 (52:48):
Yeah, it's like, cause, like, even like, even
like.
I understand when I, when I,when I joke and clown about the
gymnastics.
Yeah, I don't like paying them,but I, I like, I love the smile
, I love the passion that shehas when she does it and I it's
(53:10):
part of my job as her father isto allow her to go so deep into
her passions until she's nolonger passionate about it.
I want her childhood to bebetter than mine in a sense, to
where she gets to be who she isevery day.
She's not worrying about howshe's going to eat.
She's not worried about who'sgoing to cook.
She's not worried about um is,is.
Is mommy going to be up whenyou get home or is she gonna be
(53:30):
in her room with the door locked, type shit?
She's not worried about shitlike that.
She's worried about.
She's literally just worriedabout me to get my child only
worry about when the next timeshe gonna be able to get a snack
that's often, that's yeahthat's how I know our travels,
or something yeah, you know.
So it's like yeah, I mean, Ithere's many times, well, door,
(53:51):
door's been closed for six hours.
I know what's going on.
Yeah, like when she sleeps atall she'll come out and come
downstairs, like I know, I knowwhat's happening, like, oh damn,
where's my nintendo?
oh okay, yeah, like you know,like you know what I'm saying,
but that's not.
That's not the childhood I'mtrying to have, that's not the
child I'm trying to give her.
So, like I said I will, I willsacrifice everything for myself.
(54:12):
I will sacrifice my truck, Iwill sacrifice, uh, every,
pretty much everything but thegym.
Speaker 1 (54:19):
What trip exactly exactly?
Speaker 2 (54:22):
right.
I say it's always on thehorizon, but I'm a silver lining
because I I told you nigga whenwhen you, when you text me that
shit, I said, shit, you couldflip that shit to a tundra quick
.
Speaker 4 (54:32):
So it's like anyway it's like, yeah, it's so, it's
like it's it's part of myresponsibility that I, I take,
I'm, I am accountable for thatI'm, regardless of how she sees
her childhood 18 years from now,I'm responsible for it, for the
role I play.
Speaker 3 (54:55):
Yes, I don't really want to answer this question, so
we're going to go to the nextone.
Speaker 4 (55:00):
Oh, here we go?
Speaker 3 (55:02):
I mean because I don't really, I don't have a
family.
I have Hayden's daddy.
Speaker 4 (55:08):
You have family.
Speaker 3 (55:09):
You have family, you have.
Speaker 4 (55:09):
Dominique daddy, yeah family and hated, yeah family.
You have dominique what did it?
Speaker 1 (55:11):
was it family or was it responsibility?
Speaker 2 (55:15):
what it cost you yeah no, we'll talk about that then
don't talk about it.
Speaker 4 (55:18):
Thank you very much, um.
Speaker 3 (55:20):
We're gonna talk about this later part of your
healing oh god, what would youdo differently if there were no
fear involved?
Speaker 2 (55:32):
No fear like meaning towards what?
Speaker 3 (55:35):
Just involved in general, like if you could just
do something about your lifedifferently, without any fear of
judgment, fear of failing.
Speaker 2 (55:43):
I'd try to be an R&B singer.
Speaker 3 (55:46):
Oh yeah, can you sing ?
No, oh, my God and b singer.
Speaker 2 (55:51):
Oh yeah, can you say no?
Oh my god, if I didn't have thefear, I'd jam for the fucking
try.
You'd be like chris brown.
He ain't chris brown in it, buthe, uh he, he's trying his
heart out.
Oh man, I wouldn't even broughtup chris brown, but I'm saying
I'll be trying to dance and flipand I'll probably end up in the
whole body cast.
But if I had no fear, that'swhat I'd be doing, because I
(56:14):
said man R&B singers bro.
Speaker 3 (56:20):
I think I'd be more trusting if I didn't have any
fear, because I don't trustthese things.
Speaker 4 (56:26):
Still don't trust me.
Speaker 3 (56:28):
I don't trust everybody.
I trust some people there,people, so few people I trust,
but it's not a whole lot of them.
I said me, I don't say people.
Yeah, I trust you don't but Ido trust you.
You know why?
Because I can count on you tonot be shit.
I already know that you can't Ialready know, yeah, I trust the
three, I trust all three of youthat you can't, and a few other
(56:50):
people but, um, but to like in,in, in like love situations, it
take a lot for me to likecompletely immerse myself in,
trusting I'd be like hell, no,you doing something there.
You, finna, do something,that's finna.
And it's not even necessarilycheating a lot.
I've not had a lot of peoplecheat on me.
(57:11):
It'd be the.
I've only had females cheat onme.
I've never had a man cheat onme.
So message yeah, I never.
I never had.
No, it's the bitches I neverhad.
No, no, man, uh, I've never hada man cheat on me.
Have I had a man?
Uh, lie, absolutely.
Have I had one that maybe hethought he was gonna cheat, but
I probably have picked up on itbefore he was able to, yes, but
(57:33):
to get to the act of cheating onme, no.
So I don't be worried aboutthose type of things.
I don't trust shit like you'regonna have your bill money on
time, or you're going I can cometo you if I don't have it, or
you, you know, I'm saying I, Idon't trust those type of things
.
So I think, if, if I could befearless and and trust those
type of things, that's probablywhat I would do I feel that, I
(57:56):
do feel that.
Yeah, I just know I, even if Iwas fearless, that would be the
shit I really wouldn't trust,like that I double down on that
shit because I don't trustpeople with shit like that
period so I don't think I Ican't see a life where I feel
like financially safe or likesupported, or like completely,
(58:17):
and I don't have to see it, toachieve it.
I don't know, I don't know, Imight not achieve that because I
can't.
I cannot see that.
That don't even seem likesomething that I don't know.
Speaker 1 (58:26):
We see, I'm gonna have to give you another session
kevin, uh, I think I wouldprobably leap, uh, without the
fear of falling, or you're gonnadraw my r&b group.
I mean fuck it are you guys?
Speaker 4 (58:41):
are you guys grasping for air?
Yeah oh, I'm in there too, wehave to.
Speaker 3 (58:45):
We're gonna have to do the drew hill dance, the the
drew hills oh, ain't nobodyfinna do the drew hills and pop
babies kneecaps to me 100, tellme stop doing your kids like
that yeah just trusting myability yeah, that's what I
would um, if I had no fear rightnow, I would just make the
(59:08):
content.
Speaker 2 (59:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (59:09):
Okay, okay, hey, and you're, I've been seeing you
make like posts where like it'slike a saying, and then you yeah
, my lethal thoughts.
I like those.
I've been sharing them.
I like those.
Yeah, I haven't made one in awhile.
They're good.
You should do those.
Speaker 2 (59:30):
Those are good.
I would just make the contentOnly fans.
Here I come.
Speaker 1 (59:32):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 4 (59:35):
Just don't show your face.
You make me feel weak.
Speaker 3 (59:42):
Your braider is so descriptive with the way she
does your hair, I'd be like that.
Look like me flying top of hisdamn head.
Is that me flying you just a?
Speaker 2 (59:52):
good vpn yes, I said see, that ain't even a high
stroke this is the last question, guys.
Speaker 3 (01:00:01):
Do you guys think we ever stop being in the pursuit
of who we actually are like?
Do you think we ever reallyfind ourselves?
Completely?
No, because I feel like we'realways evolving we're always
changing I agree so you neverreally find yourself.
Speaker 4 (01:00:13):
You, just you.
You constantly find plateaus ofwhere you're comfortable and
you sit there until you get adrive for more growth yeah, I
agree, I 100 agree.
Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
Okay, sure, sure, sure.
Can I say listen?
Speaker 1 (01:00:29):
I just I don't know, I kind of agree and I kind of
don't because like some of it islike I feel like you do have a
core of who you are and thenthere's things that evolve in
that around it.
Speaker 4 (01:00:38):
But yes, yes, that's why I say if a small part is
changing, kevin, you're stillchanging that's why I didn't
want to talk to you.
Speaker 3 (01:00:45):
We was gonna go into semantic land I'm not gonna let
y'all make fly dizzy, did youagree?
I?
Speaker 2 (01:00:51):
agree, and it made me think about what andreas is
always, because he always tellsme about, um, every fucking
anime character and he alwayssays that they had their
awakening.
I was like, yeah, so I haven'thit my awakening points.
Speaker 3 (01:01:03):
Yes, that's a great way to think.
Speaker 4 (01:01:05):
That's a smart little boy depending on the anime,
that could be a good or a badthing yeah, yeah, that's true,
I've never seen anime I have.
You know, you haven't seenmoondog I've probably seen some
some anime.
Speaker 3 (01:01:17):
I don't know what.
Any of it's called.
Speaker 2 (01:01:18):
John loves anime, so I'm I've seen him see it and
he'll tell me about differentversions of different characters
and I'm like what's up?
So I haven't hit my awakeningpoint, yet that's all josh
johnson.
Speaker 1 (01:01:28):
He's talking about the kids.
He was like we went to schoolwith a kid who liked anime but
he thought it was like real lifeand he let it affect things
like you know, like the way heruns, and I was like, oh, I know
exactly what he's talking aboutthe niggas that the naruto run
yeah this has been anotherepisode of the heavyweight
podcast.
Speaker 3 (01:01:47):
Yay, make sure you like.
Subscribe.
Share comment all that shituntil next time real quick, real
quick.
Speaker 2 (01:01:54):
Uh, shout out to clinton marcos.
He was a dude I I worked withat ups.
He he said something to me thatthat meant a lot to me, so I
gotta flex real quick.
He said he really, really likedseeing me in my element of
being a dad and it made himhappy.
Speaker 3 (01:02:07):
So that's what's up oh, thank, thank you, that was
nice.
Speaker 2 (01:02:11):
It meant a lot to me, so shout out to Clinton Go
Clinton.
I'm going to keep that andappreciate you.
Speaker 3 (01:02:15):
That was sweet of him .
Go Clinton, Alright Clinton.
Well, thank you guys all forwatching.
We appreciate your support.
Until next time.
Speaker 2 (01:02:23):
Peace.
Speaker 1 (01:02:27):
That's a wrap, y'all.
That's all she wrote, so makesure you click like subscribe.
Tune in.
We're on the Austrian platform,so until next time we'll hide
at you.
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