October 5, 2023 • 61 mins
Ready to embrace a whole new level of self-love? Join us as we delve into every facet of self-love with our esteemed guests Julie Hunt, Emma Bradford, and Sarah Maurer. Each of them brings a unique perspective to this vast topic, engaging in a profound conversation on the physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental aspects of self-love. From finding tenderness within ourselves to using language to foster self-love, this episode is all about celebrating our individual journeys rather than chasing a specific goal.
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Emma Bradford:
Emma Bradford, with 11 years of experience has been supporting clients worldwide in falling back in love with themselves and life. Artist, NLP Trainer, and Founder of Creating Change: The Art of Connection, Expansion & Celebration an exploratory training to reconnect to the authentic self within through creative means.
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Julie Hunt
Julie is a certified Chopra Global Ayurvedic health and meditation instructor and a Chopra coach. She authored Shout from the Rooftops in Your Stilettos and continues to teach meditation, mindfulness, and manifestation techniques to help you harness the boundless realm of infinite possibilities. You can find her guided meditations and wellness insights on her YouTube channel.
Sarah Maurer
Sarah Maurer is a certified life coach, hypnotist, and breathworker based in Denver, Colorado. She loves creating healing journeys that help people change their lives through deep relaxation, meditation, music, and self-exploration. Her signature program Healing Deep Dive is a six-month experience designed to help clients release old patterns and step into who they really want to be. Catch up with Sarah on Instagram (@missadventurepants), on her podcast Climb Your Mountain, and in her Meetup Denver Breathwork Collective.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back, shifters, to another episode of
the Inviting Shift podcast.
I'm so excited to have you here.
This week we have a very, veryspecial episode.
We're going to be talking tosome of my favorite people about
what self-love is, because wehave so many different
definitions and if you've beenpaying attention to the episode
(00:22):
previous to this, I talk a lotabout self-love because that's
what we're going to focus on inOctober and this I just wanted
you to have other people'sperceptions of what self-love
has been in their lives, what itis that they do for self-love,
what it looks like, all of thosethings.
So, without any further ado,let's just introduce our guests.
(00:43):
We have Julie Hunt.
Thank you, julie, for beinghere.
We have Emma Bradford, thankyou, and Sarah Marr, which I'm
really excited about becausethese are three very, very
different perspectives and theydo three very different things,
and so I want you to learn alittle bit more about them so
(01:04):
that they know, so that you know, where they're coming from.
So, julie, can you tell us alittle bit about yourself and
what it is that you do?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Absolutely.
I teach meditation.
So I'm a Chopra certifiedmeditation instructor.
I evade, I evade instructor andcoach and I work with private
clients and I have spent thelast couple of years being very
immersed in the dog world.
So I'm sort of blending thismeditation, mindfulness and
meditation practices that Iteach kind of in that Vedic
(01:33):
tradition into dog mindfulness.
So that's been kind of a funshift.
Thanks for having me.
I'm super excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Thanks, Julie and Emma.
You want to tell us a littlebit about you.
You were on a podcast last yearwith us.
Tell us a little bit more aboutyou, in case we didn't watch
that one.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Yeah, so I'm Emma, I'm in Spain and I'm from the UK
and I'm an NLP trainer.
I've been supporting women forthe last 11 years in really
rewriting the negative self-talkabout themselves like that
negative chatter that comes upand how we can fall back in love
with ourselves and life again.
And I do that through creativearts, dance and NLP, mixing it
(02:13):
all together and, yeah, I'mreally happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Thank you, emma and Sarah.
Can you introduce yourself forus?
Speaker 4 (02:25):
My name is Sarah Maher.
I am a hypnotist, breath workerand integrative life coach
based in Denver, colorado, and Iwork with.
I'm a general integrative lifecoach but some issues I work
with commonly chronic illness,overeating over drinking,
anxiety, and I also work quite abit with athletes.
(02:47):
I was a personal trainer beforeI was all these other things.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Awesome.
Thank you, sarah.
So welcome all and thank you somuch for participating in this.
We wanted to talk about whatself-love is, because we already
know we don't like thedictionary definition of conceit
and vanity and being overly,overly concerned with oneself, I
think, is what the dictionarywas.
It was horrifying, and I talkedabout what I thought self-love
(03:15):
was in the previous episode, butI wanted to get more people's
perception, because just becauseI think is one thing does not
mean everybody is going to agreewith me.
So we're going to start withsome basic questions and
hopefully the audience will beable to see the expanse of what
self-love can look like, just sothat we can perhaps see
(03:36):
ourselves in at least one ofthese shoes, right?
So, when it comes to self-love,what does that mean to you?
And maybe we'll start with Emma.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Wow, this is a topic that is huge and I love it.
I can talk about this for hoursand there are so many different
layers to this.
So I feel that self-love, likewe can look at it from the
perspective of the physical,like how am I caring for myself
physically and how do I lovemyself in terms of what I'm
doing, the actions.
Then also there's the emotional, then there's the spiritual,
(04:10):
then there's the many differentlayers to this, and there can be
the layer that I most work with, which is the mind, what's
going on within the mind, andall the beliefs and how we talk
to ourselves.
So self-love can be justbringing a little more
tenderness.
I talked about this on thepodcast that I did with you,
(04:32):
christina, a while back, and Iwas talking about the importance
of language and how languagecan be such a wonderful way to
bring in a little moretenderness.
I love using the termtenderness because it's that
gentle, loving presence.
Sometimes self-love can feellike this giant mountain that we
(04:52):
need to climb and get to, andit's not a goal to get to, it's
just about how can I be a littlemore gentle and tender with
myself, and one of the phrases Ilove is the phrase of it's okay
, like, how, like, if somethinghappens, if we're caught up in a
(05:13):
negative loop story, likesaying I'm this, I'm that, I'm
stupid, I'm ugly, blah, blah,blah, like we stop, we pause, we
notice, we take a deep breathand we say, and that's okay,
like just this moment, it's okay.
Or if we mess up, we make amistake or there's a bad habit
that we have that we notice, andthen we want to change it, just
(05:35):
in that moment it's okay, it'sokay, then we can make changes.
But just bring that, thatgentleness, that gentleness
which I love so much, christina,that every email that you sign
off, you bring in thatgentleness with the words as
well, like bringing that, thatgentleness with the human aspect
(05:56):
that we have.
And yeah, there's so much more,but that's a little bit of what
I see self love as.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Yeah, beautiful Sarah .
Can you share more about whatyou think self love is?
Speaker 4 (06:10):
I would love first of all to miss that about
gentleness as a breadwinnerthat's something that we really
focus on a lot in our sessions.
Like we're still giving givinggentleness to other people, but
really a lot of the time givingit to ourselves, especially when
we really need it.
So that's beautiful.
I just really really love thatidea.
(06:30):
And then when I was kind ofthinking before this show, like
what does self love really meanto me?
I kind of look at it throughthe lens of, like, learning to
love, validate, cherish andcelebrate myself instead of
really looking to other peopleto do it.
And I'm kind of a radical onabout this.
I really wish all of us,especially us women, had been
(06:52):
sat down in kindergarten andreally taught that it's no one
else's job to love us in aspecific way or to meet our
needs, that it really is our job.
And this is something especiallyas someone with a chronic
illness year now and I kind ofgo through all these I don't
know things where I'm lookingfor something external and I
want people to believe me,support me, remember my
(07:15):
limitations, comfort me, andyeah, and then I realized like I
don't even do any of thesethings for myself.
So how the hell is somebody elsegoing to read my mind and do it
better for me than I do.
And I found that myrelationships with self and
others, when I've like kind ofreleased other people from the
(07:36):
job of loving me and learning tolove myself, are so much more
fulfilling.
And I think this is sometimeshard, like I've had clients that
really felt like kind of movedthrough almost like a grieving
process as they did this andthey're kind of like letting go
of this idea, for example, thatmy parents or my partner is
going to affirm me for this partof who I am, even though they
(07:57):
just aren't really that personor like that.
But they also find and I'vealso found, I think when you
kind of detach from meetingpeople to love you in a certain
way, you can receive love fromthem in the way that they're
able to give it, which is sobeautiful.
So thoughts there.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
I love that a lot.
That made a lot of sense to mebecause I think sometimes when
we're serving others like that'swhat we were taught was to
really serve others, right, thatwas the big thing, especially
for, like the Gen X kind ofperiod was like what are you
doing for others?
But when we get caught up inthat, we often I can get
(08:35):
resentful about like my needsaren't being filled rather than
like filling my own needs andthen being able like everything
that I get from other people islike a bonus rather than like a
needed.
You know, like I needed, likeair or something.
So thank you for sharing.
How about you, julie?
Speaker 2 (08:57):
I love this conversation and I want to loop
back into your sign off thatEmma made reference to be gentle
with your humaneness and Ithink that every time I read
that I feel like you're speakingdirectly to me and I think that
deepest sense of self love isjust remember my worth.
I remember who I am, I'm inintegrity and authenticity with
(09:18):
who I am and I so I think thatwhat is that phrase?
You're not a human doing yourhuman being, which I think has
been said so many times, butreally in my being, is just
remembering who I am and livingin integrity and really
listening to myself and to allthe same sort of things we've
(09:39):
said to.
There's this boundary that Ilike might have, but I say I
really want to do something andI say I'll do this for somebody
else or I'll serve somebody else, which I really love to do, but
my energy is really not there.
And then to your point,christina, like feeling that
resentment and I think that selflove is saying I listen, I hear
(10:03):
, intuitively, I know that if Ido this I'm not being true to
who I am and my energy and mywellness.
As you said, emma, thespiritual, mental, physical and
self love to me means liketaking a step back and honoring
whatever the choices for me, soI think it really just comes
(10:23):
back to remembering, like thefullness and worthiness of who I
am in this humanness.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
The fullness and worthiness of who you are, which
I think is like something wehaven't been taught to like put
on ourselves, right.
Like we're taught to likesupport other people and lift
other people and do all of thesethings for other people, but
it's like we haven't reallylearned what that means to do
for ourselves, and I think thatthat's so important.
(10:53):
So what I love is like I havefriends who are like, yeah, I
love myself.
I went for a Manny Petty theother day and I was like, well,
that's interesting.
Like to me, that's like an actof self care which could be self
love, right, they're bothrelated, I think.
And yet for me, manny andPetty's just aren't my own, like
(11:16):
people touching my feet.
So that doesn't work for me,right?
So I'm wondering what does selflove actually look like?
Like how, how?
It's such a like veryintangible question, but I want
us to make it a little bittangible.
Like for me, self love lookslike embarrassing myself and
then going, yep, I'm human, likethat's going to happen and I'm
(11:40):
going to be loving to myself,even though I may have
embarrassed myself or humiliatedmyself.
And so what does that mean foryou all and I'll have Julie
start with this one.
What does self love actuallylook like?
Like if we were watching you inself love, what would that?
What would we see?
Speaker 2 (11:59):
You would probably look almost exactly like what
Emma mentioned, which is sofunny.
We do kind of come at differentperspectives, but I'm okay.
So, in that moment of notfeeling like I love myself, the
critical voices are starting tocome up and I'm starting to hear
them and it's almost like me.
My beingness is in here, Likeit's, and I think this is from
(12:24):
Michael Singer.
I think that I'm in here andthat's out there and I am
complete in here.
And if I can reconnect to that,then everything else kind of
falls away.
And then of course my mind goesback and forth so like but no,
but breathing, I'm in here, I'mokay.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
So reconnecting to that being part of yourself, to
remind yourself that all thishuman stuff is just one part,
basically, and that the innerside is is a different part, and
staying grounded and I'm reallycraving that lately so in
October that's something I'mreally focused on is getting
back to that being part.
So thank you for sharing thatand reminding me.
(13:07):
That's important, emma, youwant to share.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Yeah, I love what Julie shared and absolutely it's
seeing seeing that deeper coreand I mean we're human beings
right, got human and being so.
There's the two together.
Like this, let's embrace thehumaneness and we all have our
shadow, we all have our habits,we all have like all the things
(13:32):
that perhaps some things we likeand some things we don't like.
There's that humaneness, likewe're here in this human
experience, yet there's thisbeing also, and when we see the
bigger perspective and then weput the two together, then we
can have this complete holisticview on what like who we are and
(13:53):
what self love is Now gettingpractical.
I was thinking about this todayactually because I had it in my
mind, all this interviewscoming up, and I was preparing
my lunch and this is somethingthat I always love to do, like I
love to cook, that's a bigpassion of mine and I just love
making the plate look beautiful.
(14:14):
I'm also an artist.
So, like how things look, Ilike things to look pretty.
So, like when I put food on myplate, I don't just like slop it
on there, I want to make itlook pretty.
I want to put some herbs, Iwant to put some seeds, I want
to put some like some garnish orsomething, just present it
nicely.
And to me, that is an act ofself love that I'm giving to
(14:38):
myself and I just, yeah, it'slike little things like that.
It doesn't have to be hugegrand gestures, it can be these
little daily acts.
And I was thinking about ittoday and I was thinking it's
what it really is.
It's about slowing down andbringing this loving presence to
(14:59):
all these little things that wedo or things that we experience
.
Like do I slap the cream onwhen I'm in the bathroom, like
quick, quick, quick, rush, rush,rush.
Sometimes, if I'm in a rush, Ido that, but I, what I'm doing
more and more is like trying tobe mindful with it.
That mindfulness and thatslowing down and that presence
(15:20):
is like, ah, I have skin, like Ihave this body, like I can be
present with it and allowingmyself to receive, receive.
There was a great quote byPeter Kelly and she was talking
about the difference betweenself care and self love and she
was saying that, like, self careis what we're doing and then
(15:43):
self love is allowing ourselvesto receive it, to fully receive
it, and I love that.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Yeah, so what I'm hearing is it's like a
relationship with yourself.
So it may be hard to like pointout the things, but, like, if,
like I remember when we startdating someone and we do all the
nice things right, like andeven now I've been married for
over a decade and I'm still Istill do nice little things
right, and sure are theregrander gestures of love, like
(16:13):
for his birthday or, you know,for some big surprise.
Sure, and what's most importantis that every day we have
little acts of love.
So, yes, it's great to takeourselves on that spa vacation
if that's what we need, and it'salso very sweet for us to be
able to do the little things forourselves, like cooking
(16:35):
ourselves a good meal.
And I remember I had a woman onduring the summit that was
talking about reconnecting tointimacy in our lives and
midlife, and she was saying thatthat she will take herself out
on a date right, and when shecooks herself a meal, she'll use
the good China, she'll, youknow, make the plates pretty,
(16:57):
just like Emma was just saying,because we would do that for
someone else.
And I remember for so manyyears going when I was single
and alone and I would be like,ah, it doesn't seem worth it to
cook for myself, because likethat's when it's most worth it,
like that's self love is beinglike I can have whatever I want,
don't have to worry aboutanybody else, you know, and what
(17:18):
they want, I can just make thisfor myself.
So that, I think, is really,really important.
Thanks for sharing, emma.
How about you, sarah?
What does self love look likein your life?
Speaker 4 (17:30):
Yeah, I love hearing just all these different ideas.
I love the one about likemaking your food beautiful.
I am single, so and it'ssomewhere that, like one way to
just really up level, your daywas like never to eat a meal,
like out of a Tupperware or likefood prep container, even if
you just reheated it in themicrowave, like always put it in
a pretty ball and just take amoment to pretty it up, and I'm
(17:53):
like this is so game changing.
I really really love it.
So, yeah, can relate to thatone.
And then I think for me, likekind of like what it looks like
a lot of times is just one thingI've really been working on
this year, especially kind ofworking through having a chronic
illness.
That's energy limiting isenergy sovereignty.
So for me that looks likemaking sure that my cup is
(18:15):
always full before I try to goand pour into someone else.
And I think especially peoplesocialized as women have this
idea that we constantly have tobe pouring from our cup into
others, we constantly have to begiving, we constantly have to
be nurturing, supporting, doingall these things.
And if we're always likepouring our energy into someone
(18:38):
else's cup without likereplenishing that energy and
taking the time to refill ourown cup.
We're eventually just going tocome to this place where we're
pouring from an empty cup andwe're still you think about.
You probably know someone likethis.
He's just always trying so hardto keep pouring and pouring
when their own cup is empty andit's just like a terrible place
(18:59):
to look from and there'sexhaustion and overwhelm and
chronic illness can, I reallybelieve, can be a big part of
this.
So yeah, for me, self love isjust doing whatever I need to do
to refill that cup whenever Inotice that it's getting low,
and even like paying attentionto the cup.
I think is an excellent firststep because for a long time I'm
like I'm fine.
(19:21):
I got lots to do when really Iwas kind of running on nothing.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
So yeah, and we do.
We want to give so much that Ithink you know, and that's kind
of how we were raised, becausewe want a community right and a
community needs to be able tohelp each other.
And yet I think we're missingthis really big piece of like.
Isn't it better when people arecoming from a full glass rather
(19:47):
than a half empty glass?
Right, like I know I was, Igave my child better parenting
when I was happy and full andfulfilled than when I was, you
know, constantly pouring myselfout.
And I think it's a YonLaVanzant who says, like what's
in the cup is mine, anythingthat overflows I'm happy to give
(20:09):
away, but what's in the cup ismine.
And I got to keep my cup fulland I think that that's so
important.
And I know, with this nextquestion we've talked about some
ways that we show ourselveslove and I'm just, I want to go
a little bit deeper for ouraudience and like, what are the
challenges that we're havingright now around self love and
how we can go deeper?
(20:29):
And I'll go first with this one.
I'll be vulnerable first.
And one of the things for me isconstantly like grounding my
day.
I wake up and the first thing Iwant to do is go get to my list
.
Why?
Because, as, as in my life, Iwas rewarded for productivity
(20:51):
right and so getting stuff done.
My warrior is my defaultarchetype, like I know this a
hundred percent.
And so I'm constantly like feellike I have like reins on my
warrior, like hold on, slow down, let's not jump into this day.
And one of the ways that I canshow myself self love is by
(21:12):
offering myself space to reallyground in my intentions for that
day, space to get back intothat being space before I just
jump into that doing space.
And and that's really been mybig challenge and my my big
challenge for October is to makesure that every morning I'm
(21:32):
spending at least half an hourto an hour of just being with
myself in some way, rather thanjumping into the like um, julie
was saying early, rather thanjumping into that doing part of
me.
Because that I think forespecially midlife women, we
grew up in an age where thatthat was what was most rewarded,
(21:55):
at least in my world.
Maybe I'll have differentperspectives, but that doing
part of me was most respected,most rewarded, and nobody ever
was like and I had a singlemother who she wasn't home at
night.
She worked two jobs.
So it was like nobody ever toldme that feeding myself well was
an act of self care, self loveor, you know, exercising or
(22:18):
turning off the TV and reading abook or whatever it looks like.
For me, nobody ever reallystressed that.
It was more about like, what'sgetting done?
Did your list get done for theday?
So for me, the part of selflove that I'm still working on
is really getting grounded inmyself before it's like halfway
through the day, and then I'mlike, oh, I guess I should
(22:39):
journal or like as an afterfacts, right, like instead of
before.
So, sarah, what do you mightyou be working on?
It sounds like, with your longCOVID, a little bit of patience
and a lot of self love, right,yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:55):
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, I relate to so much ofwhat you say about the human,
about, like, the being rewardedfor doing and for productivity.
So that's been definitely ajourney.
When you have about like fouror five productive hours in the
day Instead of 10, and that ithas to be the time when you get
family done, get worked on, getcoaching done, get get all the
(23:16):
things done, make your.
You brought that up about justbeing rewarded and kind of
breaking free of some of thatprogramming.
And yeah, I'd say a lot of mineare just kind of like really
like going against the oldprogramming that I grew up like
as a woman in a family that waskind of enmeshed and also I grew
(23:36):
up in a very religiousenvironment, so there is a lot
of emphasis on you know, selfsacrifice and putting other.
You're gonna know how to say no, which sounds so simple.
But I'm just like even smallthings like really like bring up
almost like a physicalsensation inside of me that are
like, oh, we can't do this, thisis so mean.
And so I've been like really,but just like working against
(24:00):
that programming and like reallythinking about the ways that
singing no is sometimes a giftto the other person and
especially to myself andeveryone around me.
And the thing I've really beenworking on this year is just
kind of making no my default.
It kind of I kind of like bydefault used to say yes every
time and someone like wanted meto help with something or
participate in something, andnow I'm trying by default to say
(24:24):
no and only say yes if itdelights me.
So that's been, that's beenreally helpful, but not the
easiest thing to to like helpmyself to do.
And then I talked a little bitjust about protecting my energy.
My mom has Alzheimer's and shelives near me and it took me a
long time to realize it was okayto you know, maybe not visit my
(24:46):
mom when I needed to rest orwas having like a flare, or
rather than like dragging mycorpse over there and just
making an appearance, that maybeit might be better just to take
care of myself, take care of myenergy, and then next time I go
over there I'll actually befeeling well.
And I think that's a big one,especially for parents, for
caretakers.
Just because you are acaretaker, it doesn't mean that
(25:07):
the other person's needs alwayscome first.
It's really important thatsometimes your needs come first,
like these thoughts, so thatyou have the ability to overflow
and give the other people loveand care and all the things you
want to give.
And then the last one I've beenplaying with is stepping into my
own authority and that can looklike maybe expressing unpopular
(25:31):
opinions.
One of my coaches, she startedthis thing.
It was actually a social mediachallenge and she called it the
garbage post challenge and Ilove the idea.
You're supposed to post like ahundred times in a month and you
know, not worry so much or likea self-edit or like worry that
it's good enough.
The whole point is just to getsomething up and get used to
(25:55):
that feeling of expressingyourself.
And so people have donedifferent little challenges for
themselves, that kind of riff onthis.
So one of the ladies in one ofour programs, she did the
garbage bitch challenge, which Ithought was really funny, and
she's like I don't think she dida hundred, but she's like I'm
going to like 50 times thismonth just see what's on my mind
(26:17):
without self-editing, even ifit's like really unpopular or no
matter how, it's welcome.
So I actually also did that andjust found it really
interesting, like all thefeelings that brought up for me.
But I'm like, yeah, it probablyis time for me to just start
speaking my mind, becauseediting myself all the time gets
gets really exhausting.
(26:37):
Hmm, it's a good review.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Beautiful, great.
I love this because it'sshowing people that like it's
not, like we just got toself-love and we're like, we're
there, wave our flag, you know,plant the flag right here.
Here's the day I got toself-love and like I mean, it's
still a journey, I think, for alot of us to keep going deeper
(27:01):
and we'll be, you know, workingon it.
So, julie, how about you?
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Yeah, this is a really personal and sensitive
topic for me right now because Ifeel like in the first a lot of
years of my life decades Iunderstood it a little bit
better and my self-disciplinewas ridiculously amazing, like I
don't understand why there'ssomething about my personality
that future pain is worse thanlike present, like nurturing.
(27:31):
So I really spent a lot of mylife with really good habits and
healthy eating and I kind oflike do good things so I can do
bad things, lots of yoga so Ican have a few cocktails.
And I'm finding myself.
I found myself at some point inmy life saying I wasn't leaning
(27:52):
into these practices, I wouldstop judging myself for them and
I would give myself grace andbeauty and say when I'm ready.
And so in teaching someone tomeditate, there's a lot of
people like I want to meditate,I want to meditate.
Well, that pushing is not goingto help you get there.
So in the sitting back andreceiving, really just saying
(28:17):
like you will get there, andmaybe it's a curiosity like when
can I meditate or when did I dothis?
And so I really live truly bythe philosophy when I'm ready, I
will show up, and but my diethas been terrible, for I'm
talking years now, like it'sbeen for a long time, and I
(28:38):
think there's a lot of reasons Icould say and I've continued to
give myself grace, and I'vecontinued to give myself grace
and I look at it and then I cansee that the nutrition that I
put in my body historically it'snot there and my whole person
is being undermined by nothaving the nutrition and not
(28:58):
having the wholeness.
And I think really, I startedto kind of like lined myself a
little bit, like like Julie,it's time, and yeah, I won't do
it.
And then that like breaks mybelief in myself a little bit.
And so I'm at this space thatI'm finally like like I think we
should just bootstrap nutrition, like you're going to feel 50%
(29:21):
better and be able to do all ofthe self love practices that I
really want for myself, if I canreally pull this together.
So I think it's time to stoplike giving myself grace that I
can eat too much ice cream byreally, and just forget to eat
and not do that.
And so the way I did thatreally is I really surrounded
myself with people that I love,and so I heard Sarah say this
(29:43):
really beautiful, like I don'twant to get things externally, I
want this internal love, and Italk a lot about self referral,
object referral.
So self referral is I'm, youknow, I'm happy, I am being in
my, my center, ground itself.
And that object referral is, ohmy gosh, you told me I was
pretty and I'm so happy, I feellike I'm me again, you know, and
(30:05):
so I, you know I hesitate toget that from, obviously, from
somebody else, but to be withthe people that hold space for
you and can be there and reflectback my beingness and my
trueness, it really allowed meto have the strength, I think,
to say I can do this and I cansee that wholeness and I can see
(30:28):
clearly how it's coming throughnutrition.
And then also speaking topeople a few times about it
being really vulnerable,especially people who know me
know that my nutrition is isreally great.
I used to lead like week longdetoxes and cook irovanically
and all that.
So it's embarrassing to saythat it's not good and it's not
been good for a long and it'snot like a month and it's not
(30:49):
like the holidays spent a longtime.
So I've been struggling and Ireally have just I think I've
used community.
I've used that feeling, thatsense of like what brings my
nourishment back to my beingnessand myself.
And I'm just realizing rightnow I really do have to just
like do it.
And I think I've gotten a lot ofsupport with community of, of
(31:11):
spaciousness, of community ofholding up for me and, and so I
really just started and I dofeel great and I am able to do
my meditation practices and allthose other self-love practices,
even like not a Mount E Peddy,but I really love massage people
like a day spa, right, well,there's the day spa, but then
there's like the massage, right,there's like the actual
(31:34):
acupuncture, release of likemoving toxicity through the body
and drinking water and givingyourself like, like you said,
emma, so beautifully that thatreceiving it right, you said
that like that presence or thatgentle, receiving that instead
of the doing it, but I'm able tobring all those things that I
really value back into my lifereally effortlessly.
(31:57):
So that's my really long answer,maybe because I am stuck with
struggling, but I feel reallylike blessed to be able to share
it and go through that andsuper blessed to really
understand the people that havestruggled with the discipline,
because sometimes I'm like justpull up the bootstraps be great.
You know, give yourself grace,and so I'm super blessed in that
(32:17):
way.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
Yeah, I'm not so great at the discipline, but
what I loved about what you saidwas about other people.
Now I always say to my clientslike we're not looking for
external validation.
If we get confirmation from theoutside, that's great, but
validation should come from theinside.
But what I loved about that isself-love also doesn't have to
(32:40):
be lonely, right, like itdoesn't mean that we have to go
do it on our own, because Ithink that's the other thing,
that the other message that Jenacts got and that's why we work
so hard is because, like mymother used to say, can't depend
on anyone age.
You can only depend on yourself.
So you have to figure out howto do it all by yourself.
But I think that what we'reforgetting here is we can still
(33:02):
ask for support.
We can still ask for help.
We can like us giving ourselveslove.
We might need help with thatright, and so we can ask friends
or go to a circle or get somesupport in some way in order to
get what we want.
Just because we're fulfillingour needs doesn't mean we have
to fulfill our needs likecompletely alone, but we get to
(33:25):
decide what that looks like andthen we get to do the ask, which
I think is really lovely.
So thank you for bringing thatup, because I don't want people
to think like I have to go awayand hermit myself for six months
while I go love myself, and Idon't think that.
I don't think that that'salways helpful either.
I think it's really great if,if we have friends you know who
are on a self-love journey andwe can actually move through it
(33:48):
together is really beautiful aswell.
So thanks for sharing that.
How about you, emma?
What are your current self-lovestruggles?
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Well, there's so many things that I could I wanted to
share about all the differentwonderful things that Julie and
Sarah knew are all sharing.
That, yeah, and currently Itotally resonate with the
discipline that is not my areaof I don't find that easy
discipline, and especially withtechnology, that's something
(34:20):
that I've really had to be verymindful about, especially using
technology for my work.
So I've had to find thisbalance and that's still
something I'm navigating, likehow I can use these platforms
social media and all of that formy work, but then also like
have that discipline to stopwhen I when I need to, and also
(34:42):
like being an NLP trainer.
I really understand how themind works and I can see how
these apps and technologies,they know human psychology and
they make things even harder.
So that's what I'm currentlyworking on.
And also another big thing andthere's been over the last like
three, four years it's beenquite a big journey.
(35:02):
It's really listening to mybody, especially when I'm
interacting with men, when I'min conversation with men, when I
meet men in different settingsworkshops.
My last relationship wasemotionally and psychologically
abusive and it was a verydifficult thing to go through
(35:25):
and that was a huge act of selflove to step out of that, in
that move away from that.
And it's been this continuousjourney to really listen, like
very deeply, like what is mybody saying, like what is my
intuition saying, like how do Ifeel when I'm talking to this
(35:45):
person or when I'm in presencewith this person, when I meet
new people.
So that's also a current thingthat I'm working through, like
just really paying attention tothat and really listening,
because in the past I didn'tlisten.
I was a a total people pleaser,like always putting the others
first, and it's.
(36:06):
I took some hard lessons toreally really wake up to that
and and to really notice likewhat, like how I placed everyone
us up on a pedal store but Iput myself down and then it was
like no, I'm going to changethat.
And I actually posted recentlyabout talking about this ring
(36:27):
that I wear, that I have thisring that I've had for a while,
which is a commitment ring tomyself.
Like someone in the summerasked me like oh, are you
married?
No, I'm not.
Well to myself.
Like I have commitment tomyself.
And it's this wonderful reminderand this reminds me of this
(36:48):
metaphor that I often use withmy students is talking about a
puzzle like humanity, like Ilike to see humanity as this
puzzle and and every singlepiece is one person.
And if we forget aboutourselves, if we leave ourselves
out, if we focus on everyoneelse, the puzzle's incomplete
(37:10):
because our piece is not inthere.
And if we want this puzzle tobe complete, if we want humanity
to work together as like onebig family and to really live in
harmony, like we need to be inthere as well, like our piece is
important and we matter.
So I think that can be a reallyhelpful thing to remember is
(37:33):
like have that metaphor of thepuzzle and that your piece is
important.
And another thing I wanted toshare is is that something that
I've been focused on a lotrecently in in workshops is that
every like we're all so similar, yet everyone is so different
as well.
(37:53):
We all have our own unconsciousfilters, we all have our own
metaprograms, we all have ourown values, we all have our own
beliefs.
We all have like different pastexperiences that we've been
through.
We we're all different souls,like we're in this human
experience, yet we all have ourmission in in this life and
(38:13):
we're all so different and wecan look at those differences
and find out, like what makes iteasier for me, because, yes,
there are a million tips andtools out there, there are a
million things that arerecommended, yet one thing might
work better for one person,another thing might work better
(38:33):
for another person.
Because I know for me, like I, Ireally beat, beat myself up for
a long time like thinking thatI had to meditate, however, and
else meditates like what my mindwas saying, like oh, I have to
sit cross-legged and do it for acertain number of minutes at
the same time every day, likesit in noticed position.
Sometimes I do that, but Inoticed that I was struggling to
(38:58):
do that on a regular basis andI realized that what works for
me in my meditation is movement,it's dance and that's what
works for me.
Like dance, like bringing themindfulness into the, into the
movement.
So understanding that was awonderful way of like tapping
(39:19):
into self-love is like reallyjust like getting clear on who
am I and what, like what makesme tick and and what helps me,
like not looking out there, butlike really getting into our
like.
I mean there's the lovelanguages, for example, like I'm
(39:39):
sure many people have heard ofthe five love languages and or,
if not, they can google it.
Or there's the representationalsystems in nlp.
Like, some people are very intune with sounds.
Some people are very in tunewith with kinesthetics, like how
, how things feel.
Some people are very in tunewith what they see, like they're
.
They're a differentrepresentational system.
(40:01):
So, like looking at all thoselittle differences and and using
that as a, as a gateway to findyour personal, like plan or
like little ways to showyourself love can can make it a
lot easier and it can bring in alot of fun as well.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
I love that you say that, that we're all so
different, because I was havinga rough time last week or when
we were still in mercuryretrograde and and it was one of
those wounded child momentswhere, like everything sucks and
everything's bad.
I should just pitch ineverything right like just light
a match, burn it down, and Irealized I really needed what
(40:46):
the kind of self-love I neededthat day was to really allow my
inner little girl to play.
When somebody said this to mein my circle, I was just like I
don't know how to play because Iwasn't.
That's not how I was raised.
There was no playing, there waspracticing, there was chores,
(41:06):
there was homework, there wasschoolwork, but there was like
no other little girls aroundlike for me to actually play
with.
And right now I'm livingsomewhat isolated in Colorado
and that I don't have a lot oflocal friends because we're
newish here.
And so I was like what doesplay look like?
(41:26):
And I realized play for mylittle girl isn't necessarily
going and playing with like sixother little girls and hopscotch
and all that.
It's really like.
She likes to read funny stuff,she likes to paint, she likes to
watch colors swirl on the.
She likes to paint, as long asI don't put the pressure on
(41:48):
creating a masterpiece, right?
That's when she likes to play.
If I, if I'm like, oh, I haveto paint this and I'm going to
hang it on the wall, forget it.
That's not little girlterritory.
So I love that you're talkingabout how we're all different,
and that leads into our lastquestion, which is what are some
ways?
If you had a friend coming upto you or a client, whatever
(42:10):
that looks like, and they reallyneed some self love, where
might you have them start?
And I love the questions thatyou were asking, like you know
what?
Who am I?
What really turns me on?
Kind of thing like what reallyis the thing that I need?
But what would you maybe ask oreven invite someone to do in
(42:34):
order to at least aim in thedirection of self love?
I know that we can't put themon that journey, but we can give
them some tools, right?
What does that look like?
And, julie, I'll have you gofirst.
Speaker 2 (42:49):
Yeah, I think in teaching Ayurveda I teach
comfort and discomfort.
I think if we can just be aware, so raise this heightened
awareness, am I in discomfort?
If I'm in discomfort, I'm notin self love, and so that
awareness leads us to what isgoing to bring me comfort, and
(43:14):
that can be really anything and.
I think a lot of times, if I'mnot, if I'm in discomfort and my
mind is racing right, a lot oftimes it's the critical thoughts
and the things may or may notbe true.
So if I know I'm in discomfort,generally for me, I know is in
my mind.
So I invite you to say what isgoing on in my mind and then
(43:38):
where am I?
Where am I?
Where am I?
Am I okay?
Like, and telling yourself I'min here, I'm okay, and I think
we can see a really instantshift from discomfort to comfort
by just taking the breaths andjust noticing the difference.
And I know that's like wayoversimplified, but I think
(44:00):
sometimes we're not givingourselves self love, but we
don't even know it.
And so I'm sad, frustrated, mad, angry, many of those emotions,
hostile, jealous, one-puts,one's tires.
I know that there's some lackof self love and then all the
things that we've kind ofbrought in and what really
(44:22):
resonates with you feels reallygood, like, as you said, I'm not
like.
Meditation is movement, it'snot still for you, and I think
every person can find that oncethey're aware that I'm lacking
the self love in this moment,and that's moment by moment.
Self love ebbs and flows, Ithink, for all of us.
Speaker 1 (44:43):
I don't think I've ever seen it that way, as like
comfort versus discomfort, and Ithink that that's so lovely,
because one of the questions Ioften ask my well, first of all,
like you were talking about allthose emotions hungry, angry,
lonely, tired, sick is what I gothrough from, and I think
that's like from AlcoholicsAnonymous or something like one
of those anonymous as useshungry, angry, lonely, tired,
(45:05):
sick.
It's that discomfort, and whenwe're in that discomfort we're
easily in that like woundedchild part of us, right, that
not enough, that too small, notbeing able to really empower
ourselves.
And so I often ask my clientsis this okay, you're
uncomfortable, but is thisunsafe or are you just
uncomfortable?
And that's a huge difference,because often our body doesn't
(45:28):
understand the differencebetween safety and discomfort.
It's just what we don't want.
Whatever it is, I don't want it.
But I think to your point, likejust acknowledging that to
ourselves sometimes, just thatacceptance of going oh yeah, I'm
feeling anxious, oh, oh yeah,I'm feeling angry I mean just
(45:51):
that acceptance like brings medown 10 levels and it's like
whoa, hold on, can I just acceptwhat's going on right now and
to like Emma's point, and that'sokay, ooh, I'm feeling angry
right now, and that's okay, youknow.
Let me let that be okay,because we can't shift something
until we've actually acceptedthat that's where we are right.
(46:13):
So I think all of thesebeautiful tips are coming
together now.
I love it.
Sarah, do you wanna share withus what your tips might be?
Speaker 4 (46:23):
Really helpful.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (46:26):
I'm like taking notes , I'm really helpful.
So what I really love to startwith is just kind of asking
yourself like, what's the nextsmallest step?
I think a lot of times, when wereally start getting into
self-love and kind of setting anintention to love ourselves
more, we can kind of overwhelmourselves.
(46:47):
So that might look like I'mgonna meditate or do like
self-care for an hour in themorning or I'm gonna meal prep
all my meals and they're gonnabe made of fresh, whole food and
like if it's not somethingwe're normally doing, it can be
like very overwhelming to oursystem and then we have a hard
time sticking with it and thenwe kind of beat ourselves up.
(47:07):
So I love the idea of settingmini habits, so just like
setting a goal of somethingthat's just ridiculously small.
So maybe it's as simple as justsitting quietly for 10 minutes
in the morning with your coffee,with the sun on your face.
Or maybe it's as simple as likeeating one piece of fruit each
(47:28):
day, or like if, instead of likegoing to the gym and working
out, maybe just doing like anice walk around your block like
10 minutes each day, just tokind of refresh and refuel.
So yeah, next smallest step,small goals, starting small.
I think that's a good one.
And then another one I love isand I was thinking of this when
(47:50):
Christina was talking about thisidea that we don't need to go
it alone and how important thatis.
One skill I work a lot withclients on is the skill of
making requests of other people.
This is something where we're,like, not really kind of taught
to do.
I think we're kind of taught tolike either not make requests
or not ask for anything, or, ifwe do, like make demands and
(48:13):
stand our ground, neither ofwhich, like, really work real
well for us.
So the idea behind making arequest is just to ask for what
you need, with detachment, likewithout like making lots of
space for the other person tosay no, making lots of space for
the other person to, you know,not making them a bad person if
they don't go along with yourrequest, and like asking from
(48:36):
that energy, and also askingfrom the energy that the request
, that being worthy of makingrequests, is the point, and the
actual outcome of the request isnot the point and not what's
important.
So, yeah, just getting to aplace where you feel comfortable
making requests of others,practicing that as a skill I
think can be really helpful.
And then I love personally I'ma little bit of a rules person,
(49:00):
so rules and agreements that Imake with myself work really
well.
So a couple that I've made thatreally have been helpful are I
get to change my mind.
Whenever someone makes a requestof me, I always say let me
think about it instead of yes,because my default answer, like
I talked about is should be no.
But you know, I'm gonna feelinto it and see if maybe it
(49:21):
delights me and maybe somethingI wanna say yes to.
But I'm not gonna say yes rightaway.
And then if I cancel plans, ifI'm not necessarily delighted to
go, I allow myself to do that.
And then what I really love Igot this one from a book my
therapist recommended, which isa really had a bunch of awesome
(49:41):
tools in it, but it was like theI forget what it was called.
It was like the 20%, like flakerule or something like that, and
it's the idea that 20% of thetime you just allow yourself and
others to kind of flake andmake mistakes and be messy and
mess up, because it's gonnahappen anyway, but when you make
a conscious decision to allowit.
It just takes a lot of pressureoff yourself and others and
(50:04):
just like really kind of feelinginto the idea that a 20% mess
up rate is incredibly normal,and the book also said that
whenever you're going to like areally typical time, feel free
to up it to 60%, which issomething I do, and I find that
it's super helpful.
So, yeah, just a few things toplay with there.
Speaker 1 (50:24):
Yeah, beautiful, thank you for all those.
Those are really juicy.
I love that.
To start with the next ratestep Sometimes the next rate
step is just sitting down andgoing how do I love myself more.
Now, chat GBT could give yousome opportunity, right?
I mean, ai is even smart enoughthat they could give you some
tips from now as well, too.
(50:46):
But I just think it's like it'sthe world that we live in that
we think that it has to be likesome giant step, like as if it
always reminds me of, like NewYear's resolutions, where we're
like tomorrow I'm going toexercise for an hour, I'm going
to meditate for half an hour,I'm going to journal for half an
hour, I'm going to eat allwhole foods, and like we go on
(51:07):
and on, like as if tomorrow I'mmagically going to wake up as a
new person, right, and I knowthat even Julie loves her
discipline, but I'm sure thateven that could be really really
challenging to become a wholenew person tomorrow.
So I love that.
Like, even if I can't getmyself to meditate, can I get
myself to sit in a chair forthree minutes, right?
(51:29):
Like can I just start withbreaking the routine that I do
have, right, instead of runningstraight to my computer in the
morning, can I break that andmake myself coffee?
Can I break that and go outside, even if it's only for 60
seconds, just so that I canstart breaking those old
patterns and starting with justthese tiny, minuscule steps?
(51:52):
I love that so much.
Thanks, sarah.
And then Emma, you want toshare with us.
Speaker 3 (51:59):
Yeah, well, there's many things, but I guess I would
start with, if someone was tocome to me, that I would just
like find out what theirblueprint is like, what helps
them, and like what theirbeliefs, what their
representational systems like,what works for them and also I
do numerology as well, so likefinding out their birth chart
(52:20):
and like putting it all togetherand then there's more
information with that.
But the very first step wouldbe helping them to understand
that it's not something you getto Like.
This is a practice, this is ajourney, this is an experience.
It's like this winding road.
It's they'll be up, they'll bedown.
There'll be moments where wefeel really great about
(52:44):
ourselves and then everything'sgoing really well, and then
there'll be other times where wethink, oh, I feel like I'm back
to square one again.
But this is the thing, like Ioften use this metaphor of like
life is like a dance because,like, there'll be a step forward
, there'll be a step back, stepto the side, step to the side.
Is this dance?
But the most important thing islike what music are you
(53:07):
listening to?
External or internal?
Like, come back to the originalbeat.
Like, come back here.
Like what lights you up in life, like what really like feels
you with joy, Like follow that.
I'm sure many people have heardof yoga with Adrienne that she
has the phrase like find whatfeels good, like find that and
(53:32):
what lights you up, and itbecomes a whole lot easier.
And if people did want someextra help with that, there are
many different modalities outthere, many different
professionals.
How I use NLP, that's one ofthe things that I use with, and
there's a wonderful techniquecalled swish pattern for
changing habits, but that's oneof many.
(53:53):
So, like people need to findwhat backs for them and this is,
I think, the ultimate, mostimportant thing is just coming
back here.
Coming back here and like littlesteps is that gentle, loving
presence.
It's not about getting to this100% top of the mountain.
I love myself like so much allthe time, every single minute of
(54:16):
every single day, like no,we're human beings, we've got
everything light and shadow inthis human experience and let's
live a whole hearted life, and awhole hearted life is
everything, is everything.
A whole hearted life has tearstoo, like it has everything.
(54:38):
So when we let go of that likeperfectionism, things become a
lot easier and we actuallyrealize that perhaps there are
many ways that we love ourselvesalready.
Like sometimes we think that weneed to get somewhere and we
don't love ourselves, butactually I think the vast
(54:59):
majority of people and peoplelistening like they love
themselves already Because ifthey take out the rubbish and
they put it in the rubbish binor they go and buy food, like
those are acts of love already.
They're loving themselvesalready.
So, like start shifting theperspective this is the biggest
thing like shift the perspectiveand see how you're loving
(55:22):
yourself already and realizethat there is so much love there
already.
Speaker 1 (55:30):
Yeah, that's so beautiful.
Because I think that we oftenthink like we have to be worthy
of a certain level, like if I'mgoing to take myself to the spa
for a massage, I might have toearn it or I might.
Maybe I don't think that I'mdeserving.
But like if we see already thatwe are yeah, like you said
(55:50):
taking out the rubbish or doingthe dishes for ourselves or
cooking ourselves a great meal,like how is that different than
going to get that massage ortaking that vacation?
Like where is that line ofworthiness that we're giving
ourselves, that we're, like,we're worthy of eating, but not
really well, right or not on theChina or not on that whatever,
(56:12):
and instead just allowingourselves to be worthy, I think,
and allowing ourselves to beloved in that way Ooh, that's a
lot of thoughts to think aboutaround self-love.
Thank you, women.
I knew that you guys were goingto have such really, really
beautiful things to say and Ireally I want to just echo what
(56:33):
Emma says, because it's like allover my self-love course.
Like this is a practice, thisis a practice.
This is a practice.
This self-love is not like oops, check that one off the list.
Like I really wish it wasbecause there are.
There have been moments, youknow well.
There's often most of the time,I'm actually quite good at the
self-love, and there are stillthese times, like I was just
(56:57):
talking about, when I was in mywounded child and wanted to play
to match right.
There are times that we'regoing to go through that, but I
think that that's even more of achallenge to our self-love and
telling ourselves like I canlove myself through this.
I'm going to love myselfthrough this and that's so
brilliant.
Thank you, women so much forbeing here today.
(57:18):
I know I'm going to get a lotof really great quotes out of
this podcast because there'sbeen such lovely things.
Thank you, julie and Emma andSarah.
I'm going to put all of yourbios below with your connection
information, so hopefully peoplewill go follow you If you get
this question all the time, likewhy would you have all these
other coaches on?
Don't you?
(57:38):
You know?
Don't they teach?
Like similar things?
And it's like kind of, but notreally.
And who cares?
Like aren't there?
Aren't there enough women outthere?
I mean, even if we all justworked with women, which some of
us do not but even if we did,like there's lots of different
types of women, as Emma's beentelling us about the differences
(58:00):
in people, and it's like noteverybody who would benefit from
Emma is going to benefit fromme, and vice versa, and so I
just want us all to heal.
I want us all to have the selflove because I think that we'd
have a much better world.
Like Emma was saying, we becomeone community that actually is
working together rather thanfeeling like we're writing.
(58:23):
So that's why self love is soimportant.
That's why we'll continue tohear about it this month.
So thank you for tuning in andwe will talk to you.
Audience next week.
Welcome back, shifters, to another episode of
the Inviting Shift podcast.
I'm so excited to have you here.
This week we have a very, veryspecial episode.
We're going to be talking tosome of my favorite people about
what self-love is, because wehave so many different
definitions and if you've beenpaying attention to the episode
(00:22):
previous to this, I talk a lotabout self-love because that's
what we're going to focus on inOctober and this I just wanted
you to have other people'sperceptions of what self-love
has been in their lives, what itis that they do for self-love,
what it looks like, all of thosethings.
So, without any further ado,let's just introduce our guests.
(00:43):
We have Julie Hunt.
Thank you, julie, for beinghere.
We have Emma Bradford, thankyou, and Sarah Marr, which I'm
really excited about becausethese are three very, very
different perspectives and theydo three very different things,
and so I want you to learn alittle bit more about them so
(01:04):
that they know, so that you know, where they're coming from.
So, julie, can you tell us alittle bit about yourself and
what it is that you do?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Absolutely.
I teach meditation.
So I'm a Chopra certifiedmeditation instructor.
I evade, I evade instructor andcoach and I work with private
clients and I have spent thelast couple of years being very
immersed in the dog world.
So I'm sort of blending thismeditation, mindfulness and
meditation practices that Iteach kind of in that Vedic
(01:33):
tradition into dog mindfulness.
So that's been kind of a funshift.
Thanks for having me.
I'm super excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Thanks, Julie and Emma.
You want to tell us a littlebit about you.
You were on a podcast last yearwith us.
Tell us a little bit more aboutyou, in case we didn't watch
that one.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Yeah, so I'm Emma, I'm in Spain and I'm from the UK
and I'm an NLP trainer.
I've been supporting women forthe last 11 years in really
rewriting the negative self-talkabout themselves like that
negative chatter that comes upand how we can fall back in love
with ourselves and life again.
And I do that through creativearts, dance and NLP, mixing it
(02:13):
all together and, yeah, I'mreally happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Thank you, emma and Sarah.
Can you introduce yourself forus?
Speaker 4 (02:25):
My name is Sarah Maher.
I am a hypnotist, breath workerand integrative life coach
based in Denver, colorado, and Iwork with.
I'm a general integrative lifecoach but some issues I work
with commonly chronic illness,overeating over drinking,
anxiety, and I also work quite abit with athletes.
(02:47):
I was a personal trainer beforeI was all these other things.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Awesome.
Thank you, sarah.
So welcome all and thank you somuch for participating in this.
We wanted to talk about whatself-love is, because we already
know we don't like thedictionary definition of conceit
and vanity and being overly,overly concerned with oneself, I
think, is what the dictionarywas.
It was horrifying, and I talkedabout what I thought self-love
(03:15):
was in the previous episode, butI wanted to get more people's
perception, because just becauseI think is one thing does not
mean everybody is going to agreewith me.
So we're going to start withsome basic questions and
hopefully the audience will beable to see the expanse of what
self-love can look like, just sothat we can perhaps see
(03:36):
ourselves in at least one ofthese shoes, right?
So, when it comes to self-love,what does that mean to you?
And maybe we'll start with Emma.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Wow, this is a topic that is huge and I love it.
I can talk about this for hoursand there are so many different
layers to this.
So I feel that self-love, likewe can look at it from the
perspective of the physical,like how am I caring for myself
physically and how do I lovemyself in terms of what I'm
doing, the actions.
Then also there's the emotional, then there's the spiritual,
(04:10):
then there's the many differentlayers to this, and there can be
the layer that I most work with, which is the mind, what's
going on within the mind, andall the beliefs and how we talk
to ourselves.
So self-love can be justbringing a little more
tenderness.
I talked about this on thepodcast that I did with you,
(04:32):
christina, a while back, and Iwas talking about the importance
of language and how languagecan be such a wonderful way to
bring in a little moretenderness.
I love using the termtenderness because it's that
gentle, loving presence.
Sometimes self-love can feellike this giant mountain that we
(04:52):
need to climb and get to, andit's not a goal to get to, it's
just about how can I be a littlemore gentle and tender with
myself, and one of the phrases Ilove is the phrase of it's okay
, like, how, like, if somethinghappens, if we're caught up in a
(05:13):
negative loop story, likesaying I'm this, I'm that, I'm
stupid, I'm ugly, blah, blah,blah, like we stop, we pause, we
notice, we take a deep breathand we say, and that's okay,
like just this moment, it's okay.
Or if we mess up, we make amistake or there's a bad habit
that we have that we notice, andthen we want to change it, just
(05:35):
in that moment it's okay, it'sokay, then we can make changes.
But just bring that, thatgentleness, that gentleness
which I love so much, christina,that every email that you sign
off, you bring in thatgentleness with the words as
well, like bringing that, thatgentleness with the human aspect
(05:56):
that we have.
And yeah, there's so much more,but that's a little bit of what
I see self love as.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Yeah, beautiful Sarah .
Can you share more about whatyou think self love is?
Speaker 4 (06:10):
I would love first of all to miss that about
gentleness as a breadwinnerthat's something that we really
focus on a lot in our sessions.
Like we're still giving givinggentleness to other people, but
really a lot of the time givingit to ourselves, especially when
we really need it.
So that's beautiful.
I just really really love thatidea.
(06:30):
And then when I was kind ofthinking before this show, like
what does self love really meanto me?
I kind of look at it throughthe lens of, like, learning to
love, validate, cherish andcelebrate myself instead of
really looking to other peopleto do it.
And I'm kind of a radical onabout this.
I really wish all of us,especially us women, had been
(06:52):
sat down in kindergarten andreally taught that it's no one
else's job to love us in aspecific way or to meet our
needs, that it really is our job.
And this is something especiallyas someone with a chronic
illness year now and I kind ofgo through all these I don't
know things where I'm lookingfor something external and I
want people to believe me,support me, remember my
(07:15):
limitations, comfort me, andyeah, and then I realized like I
don't even do any of thesethings for myself.
So how the hell is somebody elsegoing to read my mind and do it
better for me than I do.
And I found that myrelationships with self and
others, when I've like kind ofreleased other people from the
(07:36):
job of loving me and learning tolove myself, are so much more
fulfilling.
And I think this is sometimeshard, like I've had clients that
really felt like kind of movedthrough almost like a grieving
process as they did this andthey're kind of like letting go
of this idea, for example, thatmy parents or my partner is
going to affirm me for this partof who I am, even though they
(07:57):
just aren't really that personor like that.
But they also find and I'vealso found, I think when you
kind of detach from meetingpeople to love you in a certain
way, you can receive love fromthem in the way that they're
able to give it, which is sobeautiful.
So thoughts there.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
I love that a lot.
That made a lot of sense to mebecause I think sometimes when
we're serving others like that'swhat we were taught was to
really serve others, right, thatwas the big thing, especially
for, like the Gen X kind ofperiod was like what are you
doing for others?
But when we get caught up inthat, we often I can get
(08:35):
resentful about like my needsaren't being filled rather than
like filling my own needs andthen being able like everything
that I get from other people islike a bonus rather than like a
needed.
You know, like I needed, likeair or something.
So thank you for sharing.
How about you, julie?
Speaker 2 (08:57):
I love this conversation and I want to loop
back into your sign off thatEmma made reference to be gentle
with your humaneness and Ithink that every time I read
that I feel like you're speakingdirectly to me and I think that
deepest sense of self love isjust remember my worth.
I remember who I am, I'm inintegrity and authenticity with
(09:18):
who I am and I so I think thatwhat is that phrase?
You're not a human doing yourhuman being, which I think has
been said so many times, butreally in my being, is just
remembering who I am and livingin integrity and really
listening to myself and to allthe same sort of things we've
(09:39):
said to.
There's this boundary that Ilike might have, but I say I
really want to do something andI say I'll do this for somebody
else or I'll serve somebody else, which I really love to do, but
my energy is really not there.
And then to your point,christina, like feeling that
resentment and I think that selflove is saying I listen, I hear
(10:03):
, intuitively, I know that if Ido this I'm not being true to
who I am and my energy and mywellness.
As you said, emma, thespiritual, mental, physical and
self love to me means liketaking a step back and honoring
whatever the choices for me, soI think it really just comes
(10:23):
back to remembering, like thefullness and worthiness of who I
am in this humanness.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
The fullness and worthiness of who you are, which
I think is like something wehaven't been taught to like put
on ourselves, right.
Like we're taught to likesupport other people and lift
other people and do all of thesethings for other people, but
it's like we haven't reallylearned what that means to do
for ourselves, and I think thatthat's so important.
(10:53):
So what I love is like I havefriends who are like, yeah, I
love myself.
I went for a Manny Petty theother day and I was like, well,
that's interesting.
Like to me, that's like an actof self care which could be self
love, right, they're bothrelated, I think.
And yet for me, manny andPetty's just aren't my own, like
(11:16):
people touching my feet.
So that doesn't work for me,right?
So I'm wondering what does selflove actually look like?
Like how, how?
It's such a like veryintangible question, but I want
us to make it a little bittangible.
Like for me, self love lookslike embarrassing myself and
then going, yep, I'm human, likethat's going to happen and I'm
(11:40):
going to be loving to myself,even though I may have
embarrassed myself or humiliatedmyself.
And so what does that mean foryou all and I'll have Julie
start with this one.
What does self love actuallylook like?
Like if we were watching you inself love, what would that?
What would we see?
Speaker 2 (11:59):
You would probably look almost exactly like what
Emma mentioned, which is sofunny.
We do kind of come at differentperspectives, but I'm okay.
So, in that moment of notfeeling like I love myself, the
critical voices are starting tocome up and I'm starting to hear
them and it's almost like me.
My beingness is in here, Likeit's, and I think this is from
(12:24):
Michael Singer.
I think that I'm in here andthat's out there and I am
complete in here.
And if I can reconnect to that,then everything else kind of
falls away.
And then of course my mind goesback and forth so like but no,
but breathing, I'm in here, I'mokay.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
So reconnecting to that being part of yourself, to
remind yourself that all thishuman stuff is just one part,
basically, and that the innerside is is a different part, and
staying grounded and I'm reallycraving that lately so in
October that's something I'mreally focused on is getting
back to that being part.
So thank you for sharing thatand reminding me.
(13:07):
That's important, emma, youwant to share.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Yeah, I love what Julie shared and absolutely it's
seeing seeing that deeper coreand I mean we're human beings
right, got human and being so.
There's the two together.
Like this, let's embrace thehumaneness and we all have our
shadow, we all have our habits,we all have like all the things
(13:32):
that perhaps some things we likeand some things we don't like.
There's that humaneness, likewe're here in this human
experience, yet there's thisbeing also, and when we see the
bigger perspective and then weput the two together, then we
can have this complete holisticview on what like who we are and
(13:53):
what self love is Now gettingpractical.
I was thinking about this todayactually because I had it in my
mind, all this interviewscoming up, and I was preparing
my lunch and this is somethingthat I always love to do, like I
love to cook, that's a bigpassion of mine and I just love
making the plate look beautiful.
(14:14):
I'm also an artist.
So, like how things look, Ilike things to look pretty.
So, like when I put food on myplate, I don't just like slop it
on there, I want to make itlook pretty.
I want to put some herbs, Iwant to put some seeds, I want
to put some like some garnish orsomething, just present it
nicely.
And to me, that is an act ofself love that I'm giving to
(14:38):
myself and I just, yeah, it'slike little things like that.
It doesn't have to be hugegrand gestures, it can be these
little daily acts.
And I was thinking about ittoday and I was thinking it's
what it really is.
It's about slowing down andbringing this loving presence to
(14:59):
all these little things that wedo or things that we experience
.
Like do I slap the cream onwhen I'm in the bathroom, like
quick, quick, quick, rush, rush,rush.
Sometimes, if I'm in a rush, Ido that, but I, what I'm doing
more and more is like trying tobe mindful with it.
That mindfulness and thatslowing down and that presence
(15:20):
is like, ah, I have skin, like Ihave this body, like I can be
present with it and allowingmyself to receive, receive.
There was a great quote byPeter Kelly and she was talking
about the difference betweenself care and self love and she
was saying that, like, self careis what we're doing and then
(15:43):
self love is allowing ourselvesto receive it, to fully receive
it, and I love that.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Yeah, so what I'm hearing is it's like a
relationship with yourself.
So it may be hard to like pointout the things, but, like, if,
like I remember when we startdating someone and we do all the
nice things right, like andeven now I've been married for
over a decade and I'm still Istill do nice little things
right, and sure are theregrander gestures of love, like
(16:13):
for his birthday or, you know,for some big surprise.
Sure, and what's most importantis that every day we have
little acts of love.
So, yes, it's great to takeourselves on that spa vacation
if that's what we need, and it'salso very sweet for us to be
able to do the little things forourselves, like cooking
(16:35):
ourselves a good meal.
And I remember I had a woman onduring the summit that was
talking about reconnecting tointimacy in our lives and
midlife, and she was saying thatthat she will take herself out
on a date right, and when shecooks herself a meal, she'll use
the good China, she'll, youknow, make the plates pretty,
(16:57):
just like Emma was just saying,because we would do that for
someone else.
And I remember for so manyyears going when I was single
and alone and I would be like,ah, it doesn't seem worth it to
cook for myself, because likethat's when it's most worth it,
like that's self love is beinglike I can have whatever I want,
don't have to worry aboutanybody else, you know, and what
(17:18):
they want, I can just make thisfor myself.
So that, I think, is really,really important.
Thanks for sharing, emma.
How about you, sarah?
What does self love look likein your life?
Speaker 4 (17:30):
Yeah, I love hearing just all these different ideas.
I love the one about likemaking your food beautiful.
I am single, so and it'ssomewhere that, like one way to
just really up level, your daywas like never to eat a meal,
like out of a Tupperware or likefood prep container, even if
you just reheated it in themicrowave, like always put it in
a pretty ball and just take amoment to pretty it up, and I'm
(17:53):
like this is so game changing.
I really really love it.
So, yeah, can relate to thatone.
And then I think for me, likekind of like what it looks like
a lot of times is just one thingI've really been working on
this year, especially kind ofworking through having a chronic
illness.
That's energy limiting isenergy sovereignty.
So for me that looks likemaking sure that my cup is
(18:15):
always full before I try to goand pour into someone else.
And I think especially peoplesocialized as women have this
idea that we constantly have tobe pouring from our cup into
others, we constantly have to begiving, we constantly have to
be nurturing, supporting, doingall these things.
And if we're always likepouring our energy into someone
(18:38):
else's cup without likereplenishing that energy and
taking the time to refill ourown cup.
We're eventually just going tocome to this place where we're
pouring from an empty cup andwe're still you think about.
You probably know someone likethis.
He's just always trying so hardto keep pouring and pouring
when their own cup is empty andit's just like a terrible place
(18:59):
to look from and there'sexhaustion and overwhelm and
chronic illness can, I reallybelieve, can be a big part of
this.
So yeah, for me, self love isjust doing whatever I need to do
to refill that cup whenever Inotice that it's getting low,
and even like paying attentionto the cup.
I think is an excellent firststep because for a long time I'm
like I'm fine.
(19:21):
I got lots to do when really Iwas kind of running on nothing.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
So yeah, and we do.
We want to give so much that Ithink you know, and that's kind
of how we were raised, becausewe want a community right and a
community needs to be able tohelp each other.
And yet I think we're missingthis really big piece of like.
Isn't it better when people arecoming from a full glass rather
(19:47):
than a half empty glass?
Right, like I know I was, Igave my child better parenting
when I was happy and full andfulfilled than when I was, you
know, constantly pouring myselfout.
And I think it's a YonLaVanzant who says, like what's
in the cup is mine, anythingthat overflows I'm happy to give
(20:09):
away, but what's in the cup ismine.
And I got to keep my cup fulland I think that that's so
important.
And I know, with this nextquestion we've talked about some
ways that we show ourselveslove and I'm just, I want to go
a little bit deeper for ouraudience and like, what are the
challenges that we're havingright now around self love and
how we can go deeper?
(20:29):
And I'll go first with this one.
I'll be vulnerable first.
And one of the things for me isconstantly like grounding my
day.
I wake up and the first thing Iwant to do is go get to my list
.
Why?
Because, as, as in my life, Iwas rewarded for productivity
(20:51):
right and so getting stuff done.
My warrior is my defaultarchetype, like I know this a
hundred percent.
And so I'm constantly like feellike I have like reins on my
warrior, like hold on, slow down, let's not jump into this day.
And one of the ways that I canshow myself self love is by
(21:12):
offering myself space to reallyground in my intentions for that
day, space to get back intothat being space before I just
jump into that doing space.
And and that's really been mybig challenge and my my big
challenge for October is to makesure that every morning I'm
(21:32):
spending at least half an hourto an hour of just being with
myself in some way, rather thanjumping into the like um, julie
was saying early, rather thanjumping into that doing part of
me.
Because that I think forespecially midlife women, we
grew up in an age where thatthat was what was most rewarded,
(21:55):
at least in my world.
Maybe I'll have differentperspectives, but that doing
part of me was most respected,most rewarded, and nobody ever
was like and I had a singlemother who she wasn't home at
night.
She worked two jobs.
So it was like nobody ever toldme that feeding myself well was
an act of self care, self loveor, you know, exercising or
(22:18):
turning off the TV and reading abook or whatever it looks like.
For me, nobody ever reallystressed that.
It was more about like, what'sgetting done?
Did your list get done for theday?
So for me, the part of selflove that I'm still working on
is really getting grounded inmyself before it's like halfway
through the day, and then I'mlike, oh, I guess I should
(22:39):
journal or like as an afterfacts, right, like instead of
before.
So, sarah, what do you mightyou be working on?
It sounds like, with your longCOVID, a little bit of patience
and a lot of self love, right,yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:55):
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, I relate to so much ofwhat you say about the human,
about, like, the being rewardedfor doing and for productivity.
So that's been definitely ajourney.
When you have about like fouror five productive hours in the
day Instead of 10, and that ithas to be the time when you get
family done, get worked on, getcoaching done, get get all the
(23:16):
things done, make your.
You brought that up about justbeing rewarded and kind of
breaking free of some of thatprogramming.
And yeah, I'd say a lot of mineare just kind of like really
like going against the oldprogramming that I grew up like
as a woman in a family that waskind of enmeshed and also I grew
(23:36):
up in a very religiousenvironment, so there is a lot
of emphasis on you know, selfsacrifice and putting other.
You're gonna know how to say no, which sounds so simple.
But I'm just like even smallthings like really like bring up
almost like a physicalsensation inside of me that are
like, oh, we can't do this, thisis so mean.
And so I've been like really,but just like working against
(24:00):
that programming and like reallythinking about the ways that
singing no is sometimes a giftto the other person and
especially to myself andeveryone around me.
And the thing I've really beenworking on this year is just
kind of making no my default.
It kind of I kind of like bydefault used to say yes every
time and someone like wanted meto help with something or
participate in something, andnow I'm trying by default to say
(24:24):
no and only say yes if itdelights me.
So that's been, that's beenreally helpful, but not the
easiest thing to to like helpmyself to do.
And then I talked a little bitjust about protecting my energy.
My mom has Alzheimer's and shelives near me and it took me a
long time to realize it was okayto you know, maybe not visit my
(24:46):
mom when I needed to rest orwas having like a flare, or
rather than like dragging mycorpse over there and just
making an appearance, that maybeit might be better just to take
care of myself, take care of myenergy, and then next time I go
over there I'll actually befeeling well.
And I think that's a big one,especially for parents, for
caretakers.
Just because you are acaretaker, it doesn't mean that
(25:07):
the other person's needs alwayscome first.
It's really important thatsometimes your needs come first,
like these thoughts, so thatyou have the ability to overflow
and give the other people loveand care and all the things you
want to give.
And then the last one I've beenplaying with is stepping into my
own authority and that can looklike maybe expressing unpopular
(25:31):
opinions.
One of my coaches, she startedthis thing.
It was actually a social mediachallenge and she called it the
garbage post challenge and Ilove the idea.
You're supposed to post like ahundred times in a month and you
know, not worry so much or likea self-edit or like worry that
it's good enough.
The whole point is just to getsomething up and get used to
(25:55):
that feeling of expressingyourself.
And so people have donedifferent little challenges for
themselves, that kind of riff onthis.
So one of the ladies in one ofour programs, she did the
garbage bitch challenge, which Ithought was really funny, and
she's like I don't think she dida hundred, but she's like I'm
going to like 50 times thismonth just see what's on my mind
(26:17):
without self-editing, even ifit's like really unpopular or no
matter how, it's welcome.
So I actually also did that andjust found it really
interesting, like all thefeelings that brought up for me.
But I'm like, yeah, it probablyis time for me to just start
speaking my mind, becauseediting myself all the time gets
gets really exhausting.
(26:37):
Hmm, it's a good review.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Beautiful, great.
I love this because it'sshowing people that like it's
not, like we just got toself-love and we're like, we're
there, wave our flag, you know,plant the flag right here.
Here's the day I got toself-love and like I mean, it's
still a journey, I think, for alot of us to keep going deeper
(27:01):
and we'll be, you know, workingon it.
So, julie, how about you?
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Yeah, this is a really personal and sensitive
topic for me right now because Ifeel like in the first a lot of
years of my life decades Iunderstood it a little bit
better and my self-disciplinewas ridiculously amazing, like I
don't understand why there'ssomething about my personality
that future pain is worse thanlike present, like nurturing.
(27:31):
So I really spent a lot of mylife with really good habits and
healthy eating and I kind oflike do good things so I can do
bad things, lots of yoga so Ican have a few cocktails.
And I'm finding myself.
I found myself at some point inmy life saying I wasn't leaning
(27:52):
into these practices, I wouldstop judging myself for them and
I would give myself grace andbeauty and say when I'm ready.
And so in teaching someone tomeditate, there's a lot of
people like I want to meditate,I want to meditate.
Well, that pushing is not goingto help you get there.
So in the sitting back andreceiving, really just saying
(28:17):
like you will get there, andmaybe it's a curiosity like when
can I meditate or when did I dothis?
And so I really live truly bythe philosophy when I'm ready, I
will show up, and but my diethas been terrible, for I'm
talking years now, like it'sbeen for a long time, and I
(28:38):
think there's a lot of reasons Icould say and I've continued to
give myself grace, and I'vecontinued to give myself grace
and I look at it and then I cansee that the nutrition that I
put in my body historically it'snot there and my whole person
is being undermined by nothaving the nutrition and not
(28:58):
having the wholeness.
And I think really, I startedto kind of like lined myself a
little bit, like like Julie,it's time, and yeah, I won't do
it.
And then that like breaks mybelief in myself a little bit.
And so I'm at this space thatI'm finally like like I think we
should just bootstrap nutrition, like you're going to feel 50%
(29:21):
better and be able to do all ofthe self love practices that I
really want for myself, if I canreally pull this together.
So I think it's time to stoplike giving myself grace that I
can eat too much ice cream byreally, and just forget to eat
and not do that.
And so the way I did thatreally is I really surrounded
myself with people that I love,and so I heard Sarah say this
(29:43):
really beautiful, like I don'twant to get things externally, I
want this internal love, and Italk a lot about self referral,
object referral.
So self referral is I'm, youknow, I'm happy, I am being in
my, my center, ground itself.
And that object referral is, ohmy gosh, you told me I was
pretty and I'm so happy, I feellike I'm me again, you know, and
(30:05):
so I, you know I hesitate toget that from, obviously, from
somebody else, but to be withthe people that hold space for
you and can be there and reflectback my beingness and my
trueness, it really allowed meto have the strength, I think,
to say I can do this and I cansee that wholeness and I can see
(30:28):
clearly how it's coming throughnutrition.
And then also speaking topeople a few times about it
being really vulnerable,especially people who know me
know that my nutrition is isreally great.
I used to lead like week longdetoxes and cook irovanically
and all that.
So it's embarrassing to saythat it's not good and it's not
been good for a long and it'snot like a month and it's not
(30:49):
like the holidays spent a longtime.
So I've been struggling and Ireally have just I think I've
used community.
I've used that feeling, thatsense of like what brings my
nourishment back to my beingnessand myself.
And I'm just realizing rightnow I really do have to just
like do it.
And I think I've gotten a lot ofsupport with community of, of
(31:11):
spaciousness, of community ofholding up for me and, and so I
really just started and I dofeel great and I am able to do
my meditation practices and allthose other self-love practices,
even like not a Mount E Peddy,but I really love massage people
like a day spa, right, well,there's the day spa, but then
there's like the massage, right,there's like the actual
(31:34):
acupuncture, release of likemoving toxicity through the body
and drinking water and givingyourself like, like you said,
emma, so beautifully that thatreceiving it right, you said
that like that presence or thatgentle, receiving that instead
of the doing it, but I'm able tobring all those things that I
really value back into my lifereally effortlessly.
(31:57):
So that's my really long answer,maybe because I am stuck with
struggling, but I feel reallylike blessed to be able to share
it and go through that andsuper blessed to really
understand the people that havestruggled with the discipline,
because sometimes I'm like justpull up the bootstraps be great.
You know, give yourself grace,and so I'm super blessed in that
(32:17):
way.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
Yeah, I'm not so great at the discipline, but
what I loved about what you saidwas about other people.
Now I always say to my clientslike we're not looking for
external validation.
If we get confirmation from theoutside, that's great, but
validation should come from theinside.
But what I loved about that isself-love also doesn't have to
(32:40):
be lonely, right, like itdoesn't mean that we have to go
do it on our own, because Ithink that's the other thing,
that the other message that Jenacts got and that's why we work
so hard is because, like mymother used to say, can't depend
on anyone age.
You can only depend on yourself.
So you have to figure out howto do it all by yourself.
But I think that what we'reforgetting here is we can still
(33:02):
ask for support.
We can still ask for help.
We can like us giving ourselveslove.
We might need help with thatright, and so we can ask friends
or go to a circle or get somesupport in some way in order to
get what we want.
Just because we're fulfillingour needs doesn't mean we have
to fulfill our needs likecompletely alone, but we get to
(33:25):
decide what that looks like andthen we get to do the ask, which
I think is really lovely.
So thank you for bringing thatup, because I don't want people
to think like I have to go awayand hermit myself for six months
while I go love myself, and Idon't think that.
I don't think that that'salways helpful either.
I think it's really great if,if we have friends you know who
are on a self-love journey andwe can actually move through it
(33:48):
together is really beautiful aswell.
So thanks for sharing that.
How about you, emma?
What are your current self-lovestruggles?
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Well, there's so many things that I could I wanted to
share about all the differentwonderful things that Julie and
Sarah knew are all sharing.
That, yeah, and currently Itotally resonate with the
discipline that is not my areaof I don't find that easy
discipline, and especially withtechnology, that's something
(34:20):
that I've really had to be verymindful about, especially using
technology for my work.
So I've had to find thisbalance and that's still
something I'm navigating, likehow I can use these platforms
social media and all of that formy work, but then also like
have that discipline to stopwhen I when I need to, and also
(34:42):
like being an NLP trainer.
I really understand how themind works and I can see how
these apps and technologies,they know human psychology and
they make things even harder.
So that's what I'm currentlyworking on.
And also another big thing andthere's been over the last like
three, four years it's beenquite a big journey.
(35:02):
It's really listening to mybody, especially when I'm
interacting with men, when I'min conversation with men, when I
meet men in different settingsworkshops.
My last relationship wasemotionally and psychologically
abusive and it was a verydifficult thing to go through
(35:25):
and that was a huge act of selflove to step out of that, in
that move away from that.
And it's been this continuousjourney to really listen, like
very deeply, like what is mybody saying, like what is my
intuition saying, like how do Ifeel when I'm talking to this
(35:45):
person or when I'm in presencewith this person, when I meet
new people.
So that's also a current thingthat I'm working through, like
just really paying attention tothat and really listening,
because in the past I didn'tlisten.
I was a a total people pleaser,like always putting the others
first, and it's.
(36:06):
I took some hard lessons toreally really wake up to that
and and to really notice likewhat, like how I placed everyone
us up on a pedal store but Iput myself down and then it was
like no, I'm going to changethat.
And I actually posted recentlyabout talking about this ring
(36:27):
that I wear, that I have thisring that I've had for a while,
which is a commitment ring tomyself.
Like someone in the summerasked me like oh, are you
married?
No, I'm not.
Well to myself.
Like I have commitment tomyself.
And it's this wonderful reminderand this reminds me of this
(36:48):
metaphor that I often use withmy students is talking about a
puzzle like humanity, like Ilike to see humanity as this
puzzle and and every singlepiece is one person.
And if we forget aboutourselves, if we leave ourselves
out, if we focus on everyoneelse, the puzzle's incomplete
(37:10):
because our piece is not inthere.
And if we want this puzzle tobe complete, if we want humanity
to work together as like onebig family and to really live in
harmony, like we need to be inthere as well, like our piece is
important and we matter.
So I think that can be a reallyhelpful thing to remember is
(37:33):
like have that metaphor of thepuzzle and that your piece is
important.
And another thing I wanted toshare is is that something that
I've been focused on a lotrecently in in workshops is that
every like we're all so similar, yet everyone is so different
as well.
(37:53):
We all have our own unconsciousfilters, we all have our own
metaprograms, we all have ourown values, we all have our own
beliefs.
We all have like different pastexperiences that we've been
through.
We we're all different souls,like we're in this human
experience, yet we all have ourmission in in this life and
(38:13):
we're all so different and wecan look at those differences
and find out, like what makes iteasier for me, because, yes,
there are a million tips andtools out there, there are a
million things that arerecommended, yet one thing might
work better for one person,another thing might work better
(38:33):
for another person.
Because I know for me, like I, Ireally beat, beat myself up for
a long time like thinking thatI had to meditate, however, and
else meditates like what my mindwas saying, like oh, I have to
sit cross-legged and do it for acertain number of minutes at
the same time every day, likesit in noticed position.
Sometimes I do that, but Inoticed that I was struggling to
(38:58):
do that on a regular basis andI realized that what works for
me in my meditation is movement,it's dance and that's what
works for me.
Like dance, like bringing themindfulness into the, into the
movement.
So understanding that was awonderful way of like tapping
(39:19):
into self-love is like reallyjust like getting clear on who
am I and what, like what makesme tick and and what helps me,
like not looking out there, butlike really getting into our
like.
I mean there's the lovelanguages, for example, like I'm
(39:39):
sure many people have heard ofthe five love languages and or,
if not, they can google it.
Or there's the representationalsystems in nlp.
Like, some people are very intune with sounds.
Some people are very in tunewith with kinesthetics, like how
, how things feel.
Some people are very in tunewith what they see, like they're
.
They're a differentrepresentational system.
(40:01):
So, like looking at all thoselittle differences and and using
that as a, as a gateway to findyour personal, like plan or
like little ways to showyourself love can can make it a
lot easier and it can bring in alot of fun as well.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
I love that you say that, that we're all so
different, because I was havinga rough time last week or when
we were still in mercuryretrograde and and it was one of
those wounded child momentswhere, like everything sucks and
everything's bad.
I should just pitch ineverything right like just light
a match, burn it down, and Irealized I really needed what
(40:46):
the kind of self-love I neededthat day was to really allow my
inner little girl to play.
When somebody said this to mein my circle, I was just like I
don't know how to play because Iwasn't.
That's not how I was raised.
There was no playing, there waspracticing, there was chores,
(41:06):
there was homework, there wasschoolwork, but there was like
no other little girls aroundlike for me to actually play
with.
And right now I'm livingsomewhat isolated in Colorado
and that I don't have a lot oflocal friends because we're
newish here.
And so I was like what doesplay look like?
(41:26):
And I realized play for mylittle girl isn't necessarily
going and playing with like sixother little girls and hopscotch
and all that.
It's really like.
She likes to read funny stuff,she likes to paint, she likes to
watch colors swirl on the.
She likes to paint, as long asI don't put the pressure on
(41:48):
creating a masterpiece, right?
That's when she likes to play.
If I, if I'm like, oh, I haveto paint this and I'm going to
hang it on the wall, forget it.
That's not little girlterritory.
So I love that you're talkingabout how we're all different,
and that leads into our lastquestion, which is what are some
ways?
If you had a friend coming upto you or a client, whatever
(42:10):
that looks like, and they reallyneed some self love, where
might you have them start?
And I love the questions thatyou were asking, like you know
what?
Who am I?
What really turns me on?
Kind of thing like what reallyis the thing that I need?
But what would you maybe ask oreven invite someone to do in
(42:34):
order to at least aim in thedirection of self love?
I know that we can't put themon that journey, but we can give
them some tools, right?
What does that look like?
And, julie, I'll have you gofirst.
Speaker 2 (42:49):
Yeah, I think in teaching Ayurveda I teach
comfort and discomfort.
I think if we can just be aware, so raise this heightened
awareness, am I in discomfort?
If I'm in discomfort, I'm notin self love, and so that
awareness leads us to what isgoing to bring me comfort, and
(43:14):
that can be really anything and.
I think a lot of times, if I'mnot, if I'm in discomfort and my
mind is racing right, a lot oftimes it's the critical thoughts
and the things may or may notbe true.
So if I know I'm in discomfort,generally for me, I know is in
my mind.
So I invite you to say what isgoing on in my mind and then
(43:38):
where am I?
Where am I?
Where am I?
Am I okay?
Like, and telling yourself I'min here, I'm okay, and I think
we can see a really instantshift from discomfort to comfort
by just taking the breaths andjust noticing the difference.
And I know that's like wayoversimplified, but I think
(44:00):
sometimes we're not givingourselves self love, but we
don't even know it.
And so I'm sad, frustrated, mad, angry, many of those emotions,
hostile, jealous, one-puts,one's tires.
I know that there's some lackof self love and then all the
things that we've kind ofbrought in and what really
(44:22):
resonates with you feels reallygood, like, as you said, I'm not
like.
Meditation is movement, it'snot still for you, and I think
every person can find that oncethey're aware that I'm lacking
the self love in this moment,and that's moment by moment.
Self love ebbs and flows, Ithink, for all of us.
Speaker 1 (44:43):
I don't think I've ever seen it that way, as like
comfort versus discomfort, and Ithink that that's so lovely,
because one of the questions Ioften ask my well, first of all,
like you were talking about allthose emotions hungry, angry,
lonely, tired, sick is what I gothrough from, and I think
that's like from AlcoholicsAnonymous or something like one
of those anonymous as useshungry, angry, lonely, tired,
(45:05):
sick.
It's that discomfort, and whenwe're in that discomfort we're
easily in that like woundedchild part of us, right, that
not enough, that too small, notbeing able to really empower
ourselves.
And so I often ask my clientsis this okay, you're
uncomfortable, but is thisunsafe or are you just
uncomfortable?
And that's a huge difference,because often our body doesn't
(45:28):
understand the differencebetween safety and discomfort.
It's just what we don't want.
Whatever it is, I don't want it.
But I think to your point, likejust acknowledging that to
ourselves sometimes, just thatacceptance of going oh yeah, I'm
feeling anxious, oh, oh yeah,I'm feeling angry I mean just
(45:51):
that acceptance like brings medown 10 levels and it's like
whoa, hold on, can I just acceptwhat's going on right now and
to like Emma's point, and that'sokay, ooh, I'm feeling angry
right now, and that's okay, youknow.
Let me let that be okay,because we can't shift something
until we've actually acceptedthat that's where we are right.
(46:13):
So I think all of thesebeautiful tips are coming
together now.
I love it.
Sarah, do you wanna share withus what your tips might be?
Speaker 4 (46:23):
Really helpful.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (46:26):
I'm like taking notes , I'm really helpful.
So what I really love to startwith is just kind of asking
yourself like, what's the nextsmallest step?
I think a lot of times, when wereally start getting into
self-love and kind of setting anintention to love ourselves
more, we can kind of overwhelmourselves.
(46:47):
So that might look like I'mgonna meditate or do like
self-care for an hour in themorning or I'm gonna meal prep
all my meals and they're gonnabe made of fresh, whole food and
like if it's not somethingwe're normally doing, it can be
like very overwhelming to oursystem and then we have a hard
time sticking with it and thenwe kind of beat ourselves up.
(47:07):
So I love the idea of settingmini habits, so just like
setting a goal of somethingthat's just ridiculously small.
So maybe it's as simple as justsitting quietly for 10 minutes
in the morning with your coffee,with the sun on your face.
Or maybe it's as simple as likeeating one piece of fruit each
(47:28):
day, or like if, instead of likegoing to the gym and working
out, maybe just doing like anice walk around your block like
10 minutes each day, just tokind of refresh and refuel.
So yeah, next smallest step,small goals, starting small.
I think that's a good one.
And then another one I love isand I was thinking of this when
(47:50):
Christina was talking about thisidea that we don't need to go
it alone and how important thatis.
One skill I work a lot withclients on is the skill of
making requests of other people.
This is something where we're,like, not really kind of taught
to do.
I think we're kind of taught tolike either not make requests
or not ask for anything, or, ifwe do, like make demands and
(48:13):
stand our ground, neither ofwhich, like, really work real
well for us.
So the idea behind making arequest is just to ask for what
you need, with detachment, likewithout like making lots of
space for the other person tosay no, making lots of space for
the other person to, you know,not making them a bad person if
they don't go along with yourrequest, and like asking from
(48:36):
that energy, and also askingfrom the energy that the request
, that being worthy of makingrequests, is the point, and the
actual outcome of the request isnot the point and not what's
important.
So, yeah, just getting to aplace where you feel comfortable
making requests of others,practicing that as a skill I
think can be really helpful.
And then I love personally I'ma little bit of a rules person,
(49:00):
so rules and agreements that Imake with myself work really
well.
So a couple that I've made thatreally have been helpful are I
get to change my mind.
Whenever someone makes a requestof me, I always say let me
think about it instead of yes,because my default answer, like
I talked about is should be no.
But you know, I'm gonna feelinto it and see if maybe it
(49:21):
delights me and maybe somethingI wanna say yes to.
But I'm not gonna say yes rightaway.
And then if I cancel plans, ifI'm not necessarily delighted to
go, I allow myself to do that.
And then what I really love Igot this one from a book my
therapist recommended, which isa really had a bunch of awesome
(49:41):
tools in it, but it was like theI forget what it was called.
It was like the 20%, like flakerule or something like that, and
it's the idea that 20% of thetime you just allow yourself and
others to kind of flake andmake mistakes and be messy and
mess up, because it's gonnahappen anyway, but when you make
a conscious decision to allowit.
It just takes a lot of pressureoff yourself and others and
(50:04):
just like really kind of feelinginto the idea that a 20% mess
up rate is incredibly normal,and the book also said that
whenever you're going to like areally typical time, feel free
to up it to 60%, which issomething I do, and I find that
it's super helpful.
So, yeah, just a few things toplay with there.
Speaker 1 (50:24):
Yeah, beautiful, thank you for all those.
Those are really juicy.
I love that.
To start with the next ratestep Sometimes the next rate
step is just sitting down andgoing how do I love myself more.
Now, chat GBT could give yousome opportunity, right?
I mean, ai is even smart enoughthat they could give you some
tips from now as well, too.
(50:46):
But I just think it's like it'sthe world that we live in that
we think that it has to be likesome giant step, like as if it
always reminds me of, like NewYear's resolutions, where we're
like tomorrow I'm going toexercise for an hour, I'm going
to meditate for half an hour,I'm going to journal for half an
hour, I'm going to eat allwhole foods, and like we go on
(51:07):
and on, like as if tomorrow I'mmagically going to wake up as a
new person, right, and I knowthat even Julie loves her
discipline, but I'm sure thateven that could be really really
challenging to become a wholenew person tomorrow.
So I love that.
Like, even if I can't getmyself to meditate, can I get
myself to sit in a chair forthree minutes, right?
(51:29):
Like can I just start withbreaking the routine that I do
have, right, instead of runningstraight to my computer in the
morning, can I break that andmake myself coffee?
Can I break that and go outside, even if it's only for 60
seconds, just so that I canstart breaking those old
patterns and starting with justthese tiny, minuscule steps?
(51:52):
I love that so much.
Thanks, sarah.
And then Emma, you want toshare with us.
Speaker 3 (51:59):
Yeah, well, there's many things, but I guess I would
start with, if someone was tocome to me, that I would just
like find out what theirblueprint is like, what helps
them, and like what theirbeliefs, what their
representational systems like,what works for them and also I
do numerology as well, so likefinding out their birth chart
(52:20):
and like putting it all togetherand then there's more
information with that.
But the very first step wouldbe helping them to understand
that it's not something you getto Like.
This is a practice, this is ajourney, this is an experience.
It's like this winding road.
It's they'll be up, they'll bedown.
There'll be moments where wefeel really great about
(52:44):
ourselves and then everything'sgoing really well, and then
there'll be other times where wethink, oh, I feel like I'm back
to square one again.
But this is the thing, like Ioften use this metaphor of like
life is like a dance because,like, there'll be a step forward
, there'll be a step back, stepto the side, step to the side.
Is this dance?
But the most important thing islike what music are you
(53:07):
listening to?
External or internal?
Like, come back to the originalbeat.
Like, come back here.
Like what lights you up in life, like what really like feels
you with joy, Like follow that.
I'm sure many people have heardof yoga with Adrienne that she
has the phrase like find whatfeels good, like find that and
(53:32):
what lights you up, and itbecomes a whole lot easier.
And if people did want someextra help with that, there are
many different modalities outthere, many different
professionals.
How I use NLP, that's one ofthe things that I use with, and
there's a wonderful techniquecalled swish pattern for
changing habits, but that's oneof many.
(53:53):
So, like people need to findwhat backs for them and this is,
I think, the ultimate, mostimportant thing is just coming
back here.
Coming back here and like littlesteps is that gentle, loving
presence.
It's not about getting to this100% top of the mountain.
I love myself like so much allthe time, every single minute of
(54:16):
every single day, like no,we're human beings, we've got
everything light and shadow inthis human experience and let's
live a whole hearted life, and awhole hearted life is
everything, is everything.
A whole hearted life has tearstoo, like it has everything.
(54:38):
So when we let go of that likeperfectionism, things become a
lot easier and we actuallyrealize that perhaps there are
many ways that we love ourselvesalready.
Like sometimes we think that weneed to get somewhere and we
don't love ourselves, butactually I think the vast
(54:59):
majority of people and peoplelistening like they love
themselves already Because ifthey take out the rubbish and
they put it in the rubbish binor they go and buy food, like
those are acts of love already.
They're loving themselvesalready.
So, like start shifting theperspective this is the biggest
thing like shift the perspectiveand see how you're loving
(55:22):
yourself already and realizethat there is so much love there
already.
Speaker 1 (55:30):
Yeah, that's so beautiful.
Because I think that we oftenthink like we have to be worthy
of a certain level, like if I'mgoing to take myself to the spa
for a massage, I might have toearn it or I might.
Maybe I don't think that I'mdeserving.
But like if we see already thatwe are yeah, like you said
(55:50):
taking out the rubbish or doingthe dishes for ourselves or
cooking ourselves a great meal,like how is that different than
going to get that massage ortaking that vacation?
Like where is that line ofworthiness that we're giving
ourselves, that we're, like,we're worthy of eating, but not
really well, right or not on theChina or not on that whatever,
(56:12):
and instead just allowingourselves to be worthy, I think,
and allowing ourselves to beloved in that way Ooh, that's a
lot of thoughts to think aboutaround self-love.
Thank you, women.
I knew that you guys were goingto have such really, really
beautiful things to say and Ireally I want to just echo what
(56:33):
Emma says, because it's like allover my self-love course.
Like this is a practice, thisis a practice.
This is a practice.
This self-love is not like oops, check that one off the list.
Like I really wish it wasbecause there are.
There have been moments, youknow well.
There's often most of the time,I'm actually quite good at the
self-love, and there are stillthese times, like I was just
(56:57):
talking about, when I was in mywounded child and wanted to play
to match right.
There are times that we'regoing to go through that, but I
think that that's even more of achallenge to our self-love and
telling ourselves like I canlove myself through this.
I'm going to love myselfthrough this and that's so
brilliant.
Thank you, women so much forbeing here today.
(57:18):
I know I'm going to get a lotof really great quotes out of
this podcast because there'sbeen such lovely things.
Thank you, julie and Emma andSarah.
I'm going to put all of yourbios below with your connection
information, so hopefully peoplewill go follow you If you get
this question all the time, likewhy would you have all these
other coaches on?
Don't you?
(57:38):
You know?
Don't they teach?
Like similar things?
And it's like kind of, but notreally.
And who cares?
Like aren't there?
Aren't there enough women outthere?
I mean, even if we all justworked with women, which some of
us do not but even if we did,like there's lots of different
types of women, as Emma's beentelling us about the differences
(58:00):
in people, and it's like noteverybody who would benefit from
Emma is going to benefit fromme, and vice versa, and so I
just want us all to heal.
I want us all to have the selflove because I think that we'd
have a much better world.
Like Emma was saying, we becomeone community that actually is
working together rather thanfeeling like we're writing.
(58:23):
So that's why self love is soimportant.
That's why we'll continue tohear about it this month.
So thank you for tuning in andwe will talk to you.
Audience next week.
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