November 9, 2023 • 37 mins
When relationships shift and evolve during our midlife years, how do we gracefully navigate these changes? That's the question Maryam Solhjou, a resilience and midlife coach, helps us tackle in this episode. Drawing from her deep experience, she guides us to understand that acknowledging the natural progress in our relationships can bring about tranquility and reduce stress. We explore the significance of identifying and managing our emotions during these transitions, and how these changes can often resurrect past hurts, opening an avenue for personal growth and healing.
We then move on to the art of asserting our needs in relationships and taking command of our emotions rather than trying to control the other person. By recognizing what triggers us, we can better manage relationship shifts. The power of setting boundaries also comes into play here, showing us that personal growth can significantly impact our friendships. We further delve into how acknowledging and respecting our diverse backgrounds can prevent conflicts and misunderstandings.
In the concluding part of our discussion, we emphasize the strength of female friendships and the importance of nurturing and developing new connections. We share practical advice on finding like-minded groups using platforms like Meetup and Nextdoor, and how volunteering can broaden our social circles. The golden thread running through this conversation is the imperative of actively creating opportunities for new friendships rather than merely waiting for them to occur. Tune in and learn to navigate the changing dynamics of midlife relationships with resilience and grace.
ABOUT Maryam:
Maryam is a resilience + midlife coach. She's been married for about 35 years, with two adult children and one pup who keeps her on her toes. She has a masters in Org Psy, with a research background in positive psychology and women's psychology. She's struggled (and grown) from navigating midlife's new variables, and she works with her clients to do the same.
FREE GIFT from Maryam:
Get Maryam's Midlife Guide right here.
CONNECT with Maryam:
Website | Instagram | LinkedIn
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Christina Smith (00:00):
Well, welcome back shifters to a new week.
We have Maryam on today, andMaryam is a resilience and
midlife coach.
So we are talking to someonewho, even you know, specializes
in relationships as well as justresilience, right, Because I
(00:20):
think in midlife we need a lotof resilience in our friendship
sometimes.
But that's just my personalopinion.
Welcome Maryam.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Maryam Solhjou (00:30):
Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here.
Christina Smith (00:32):
Yeah, I'm looking forward to this
conversation but before we startbecause I know friendships is
such a big thing in midlife Alot of us are letting go of our
kids.
We're a little bit morecomfortable in our careers maybe
, and now we're like okay, sowhere'd all my friends go?
But before we start thatconversation, tell us a little
bit more about you.
Maryam Solhjou (00:53):
Yeah, so, as you said, I am a resilience coach
and I specialize in working withpeople in midlife going through
changing relationships and, asyou know and probably have
experienced like I have,relationships do change in this
stage of life.
Our needs are changing.
Our children have grown up, sowe have empty nest going on, we
(01:15):
may be dealing with agingparents, careers may be changing
.
Lots of changes happen in thisstage.
So that impacts what our needsare and that impacts our
relationships.
So, yeah, I help folks navigateall that stuff.
Christina Smith (01:32):
Yeah, and what I love about this is like we
always I always look at midlifeas if it's a second adolescence
and when we look at like theadolescent archetype, it's
really about like who am I andhow do I socially have these
relationships right?
That's the stage where we startmaking friends on our own, not
(01:53):
just because we're stuck in aplay date or whatever, but we
really start reassessing, likewho is it that I actually want
to be in connection with andwant to relate to?
And I think that this happensagain in midlife for us, when we
start going okay, whatrelationships are actually
benefiting me and which ones area little bit more of a struggle
(02:14):
and I loved we were talkingbefore this, just so you could
go y'all in that you were sayingthere's different phases to
relationships.
So where do we start?
Where do you want to start withthis whole friendship thing in
midlife?
Maryam Solhjou (02:29):
You know I'd like to start with what I'm
excuse me, I have a little bitof a cough.
So what I'd like to start withis what I see a lot of people
stress over during this stage.
I think we're all gravitating orthe good chunk of us are
gravitating having more peace inour relationships, having less
drama in our relationships.
(02:52):
And, you know, as our needs arechanging those relationships,
our relationships are going tobe changing our friendships and
that can leave us stressed thatwhy isn't my friendship like it
was five years ago, 10 years ago?
Right, when there is anacceptance of my relationships
(03:17):
are going to change, right,because I am changing right,
there is so much less stresswhen you accept that that you
know.
So that when something doescome up with one of your
friendships or any relationship,that, oh okay, I understand,
because this is supposed to behappening, things are going to
be changing.
Now, of course, if there areobstacles or challenges that
(03:38):
need to be addressed, youaddress them.
But part of really evolving,part of resilience, is
understanding our emotions whenour relationships are changing
and being able to sit with andnavigate those emotions when
those relationships change andnot so much fight it or have a
lot of drama around it, you know, getting to a place of
(04:01):
acceptance when it comes tothose relationships changing.
Christina Smith (04:07):
I love that because just recently I went
through a shift in arelationship with a friend and
it was really crushing to me,you know, and I had to start
working through that.
I was feeling abandoned, right,and not necessarily, you know,
this woman was doing whatever'sbest for her mental health and
(04:27):
what she needs right now.
And so, like you were saying,things change because our needs
change.
And I had to realize, like youknow, it's not always like the
movies where you have one friendor you know five friends and
you have them for your entirelife and I mean it works out for
my husband, it doesn'tnecessarily work out for me.
(04:50):
And so it wasn't just the oneshift of this relationship, it
was that suddenly it wasbringing all of that emotional
wounding from all therelationships that I've had
where I felt abandoned orestranged or you know, not
really sure what was going on.
So that's just one way thatthings can shift.
(05:12):
And after I worked that out andI was like, oh, hold on, that's
actually I call it a fishnet ofwounds that every time, every
time somebody kind of pings andthis whole fishnet of wounds
comes up and I forget that it'snot about just this relationship
, it's about being able to morework through it and be like well
(05:32):
, relationships are meant tochange.
They aren't gonna stay the same, Like even if you're married
for 50 years, your relationshipat year zero, year 10, year 20,
year 30, they're all gonna bedifferent.
And so how do you help themwork through the emotions that
are going on?
(05:53):
I'm sure the abandonment thingmust be a common one but.
I'm sure there's so many otherstoo.
Maryam Solhjou (05:59):
Right, and I'm so glad that you brought that up
, because it really can triggera lot of stuff from our
background when these changeshappen, right, things that we
haven't healed yet.
But I think it's such a, it'sso insightful and such a gift if
we're able to notice, oh wow,this is triggering something in
(06:21):
me that has really nothing to dowith this current situation,
but stuff from my backgroundthat Maybe this is an invitation
for me to do some of my innerwork.
Right, it's.
It's really easy for us to fallinto the blaming and pointing
and getting angry at the otherperson when, in fact, first of
(06:45):
all, we don't know what otherpeople are going through.
I mean, we may think we do, butwe really don't know what other
people are going through.
So they may have certain woundsthat and they probably do in
certain triggers that you knowthey're triggered right now and
things are changing.
I have found that, even when Ihave Encountered friends who I
(07:09):
feel lash out, my first responseis not to get defensive.
I have on so many occasionsReached out hey, this is not
like you, what's going on withyou that you're sending such a
text?
Right.
So being aware of not gettingdefensive first, because most of
the time it has nothing to dowith us.
A good chunk of the time itjust has to do with what that
(07:32):
other person is going through.
So extending Compassion,extending empathy, really, I
have found reduces our stress,instead of making it about me
and getting defensive About it,because that that those emotions
can just linger and then, youknow, spill into other areas of
our life.
(07:52):
The sooner we're able to Dothat and go through that process
, the easier it is and itdoesn't spill into other areas
of our life.
Christina Smith (08:01):
Mmm, I love that so much because I always
see relationships, friendships,whatever it is.
It's like such an opportunityfor own growth, work, because
whatever is going on, I knowthat if I'm getting to the point
where I do want to lash out,where I do want to, like, point
out what they're doing Wrong orwhatever, like I know, I'm in
that wounded small part of me,that wounded child part of me
(08:25):
that suddenly, you know, wakesup and just doesn't want it to
be my fault because I can't fixanything from that, an
unempowered place.
And the other thing that canhappen is we just start telling
ourselves stories about it.
And I know in the past I wasreally proud of myself this year
when this relationship shiftedand I really didn't tell myself
(08:45):
stories about it.
Instead I was like, okay, well,I don't know what's going on
for her, I don't know what'shappening for her, but I Didn't
tell myself stories about it,which I think is the worst part
when it comes to like, at leastfor me.
For the emotional part is I cansit here and go oh, there must
be something wrong with me, shedoesn't want to share something
(09:06):
with me, I must have donesomething, and I can go down
that whole suffering spiral butinstead we can just ask directly
, like what's going on, and wemay not get a direct answer or
an answer that Feels fulfillingto us, but at least we know if
we asked, we opened up space Forthat conversation.
(09:28):
If the other person is scaredof saying something like that,
or we've opened up theconversation to hear hey, this
just doesn't fit for me.
The way that, you know, we'vethe schedule that we used to
have of friends and do thatstuff just doesn't fit for me.
So that I can understand morebefore I just go down that
suffering spiral and tellingmyself all kinds of nasty stuff
(09:49):
about me.
Maryam Solhjou (09:50):
Yes, yes, very true.
And you know, the thing is isthat we might fall into those
stories, right, stories about me, stories about the other person
.
I Think that initiallynaturally happens for all of us.
The difference, I think, iswhen we're able to catch
ourselves before we go down thatwrap a hole before it, before
(10:12):
we stay in there too long, right?
So, as you said, it's okay, weall have those stories, that
just trying to catch usourselves sooner and which opens
up to, if it lingers and youthink you need to have a
conversation with the otherperson, hey, do so.
Right, because one it's okay ifyou don't get the response
you're looking for.
(10:34):
I always say, when you havedifficult conversations, no
matter how the conversation goesafterwards, congratulate
yourself on initiating orsitting in on a difficult
conversations, right, because Ithink most of us have problems
with having difficultconversations and Then, when we
do have them, we're like oh, Iknow we shouldn't have had that
(10:55):
conversation because it didn'tgo like I plan, but we have to
remember to congratulateourselves and really acknowledge
ourselves for doing somethingthat was difficult.
Right, because that's part ofresilience knowing something is
difficult and doing it anyway,right.
Christina Smith (11:11):
And it's so vulnerable sometimes for some of
us to have those conversations,especially if we grew up in a
household where everything waskind of swept under the rug and
we just ignored it all, and whatI've learned is, if I don't
bring those conversations up, itjust gets worse like I mean.
I start having judgments and Istart going, oh, why doesn't she
(11:32):
change her behavior?
And you know, and I can getinto a very Self-centered kind
of thought process where I'mlike, well, that's not the way I
would have treated them.
And I see all of all of thatperspective.
That's like how dare they treatme, that's not how I would
treat them, but like we have tounderstand that not everybody
(11:57):
grew up like us, you know.
Not everybody grew up with thesame exact perspective and so I
think one of the one of theirstruggles that we don't always
ask for what we want or say, hey, this doesn't work for me.
Can we do something different?
Or can we shift the way thatwe're interacting here, or just
(12:17):
asking for what we want, knowingwe may not get it, because if
we're not asking it's a demandand that's not a question but
like just knowing that we canactually ask for what we want,
and I don't think I I knew thatbefore I was 40, or if I did.
It was way too Scary for me toeven try to ask for what I
(12:37):
wanted.
I should just Buck up and dealwith it right instead.
Of actually pointing somethingout and I thought how terrible
of a friend am I if I'm notpointing out what I think Might
be hurting this person's otherrelationships as well?
Not saying that I'm right, justsaying this is a point I'm
bringing up.
(12:57):
So I Think asking for what wewant is something that we often
skip over and we go to that.
Some of my clients go to that.
Well, they should have known.
Maryam Solhjou (13:11):
Yeah, that's yeah.
So a couple of things I want totouch on there.
So I'm gonna come back forasking what we want, but the the
first part of what you said waswhat was the first part that
you said Okay, now it's justcompletely.
I completely lost my thought.
Okay so what when we're, whenwe're talking about asking for
what we want.
(13:31):
First we have to Recognize whatis it that is being triggered
in me right?
Christina Smith (13:37):
and.
Maryam Solhjou (13:39):
And whatever feeling is coming up for me
anxiousness, being scared,whatever it is the other person
is not responsible for what I'mgoing through, right, I am
responsible for my own emotions.
So when I'm asking for what Iwant, I have to be aware of,
okay, well, if, if what she'sdoing is making me, for example,
(14:01):
jealous, right?
Well, I mean, I can't ask theother person to stop doing
something because I'm gettingjealous, right that?
That is something I need towork on.
I'm responsible for my ownfeelings, right.
I can't hold someone elseresponsible for my feelings.
So we have to be aware of whenwe're asking for what we want.
Is it really something that isour responsibility to take care
(14:23):
of, or the other person?
So that's really important inin doing that and if I remember
my second thought, I will I willcome come back to it.
Christina Smith (14:33):
That's an important thought right there is
, you know, realizing.
I do a little class once in awhile called whose problem is it
anyway, like if we're in aconflict or if we're having a
struggle, like whose problem isit.
And I always say the personwith the problem is the person
with the problem.
So meaning the person with thefeelings or the trigger around
(14:54):
it is the person with theproblem, and it doesn't become
that other person's challenge orconflict until we actually ask
for what we want.
And a lot of times we don't haveto do that, which I think is
like what you were justexplaining.
If I'm feeling jealous, am Igoing to say to my friend, oh,
don't shine so brightly, don'tyou know, show all of who you
(15:16):
are, because I get jealous?
No, that's ridiculous.
Delicacy is something I have towork out within my own self.
Am I?
Am I sad because I don't shinemy own light bright enough?
Is that what's going on?
Am I sad that I don't feel likeI have the same opportunities
(15:36):
or I'm not creating the sameopportunities as this other
person is?
And so, looking at that part, Ilove that you brought that up
because I think that that thatreally is essential because it's
ownership Like that's theownership of that fishnetta
wounds that I have, that I canget jealous, that I feel
abandoned, that I get mad whenyou do that thing.
(15:58):
It's like, well, that's allabout me and the stories I'm
telling myself about it notabout that other person.
So often there I don't even askthe other person for anything,
because by the time I've done myown work I'm like, oh, I get
what it is, I get what it isExactly, exactly, exactly about
me.
Maryam Solhjou (16:19):
Yeah, I think that's a big one in all
relationships that really isjust like such a.
There's so much peace when wecan do that, because now I have
control over what I can do aboutit, versus if it's in the other
person I have no control.
I mean, I have a hard enoughtime controlling me, let alone
trying to control somebody else,right?
(16:40):
So when it is me, I have somuch more control over it, right
?
Who can I reach out to?
Can I reach out to my therapist?
Can I reach out to my coach?
Can I reach out to a friend?
What is it that I can do to nowwrap my head around this thing
that's going on in me, becauseit's just such so much more
controllable when, I can takeownership over it.
Christina Smith (17:03):
I love that and like for me.
Most of the time when I workthrough these things with my
clients, it's usually somethingthat they can control right.
In the fact of like boundaries,I'm not creating boundaries for
myself and therefore I'mallowing this person in spaces
that I don't want them in or,you know, to act in ways that I
(17:28):
don't find acceptable orwhatever the thing is.
It's me being mad at me for notmaking those boundaries and
there's a little bit of anger,don't get me wrong.
My inner child wants to put thisin Says there's a little bit of
anger at the fact that I haveto make boundaries right.
That I can't get, you know, butit's like the grown up part of
(17:48):
us goes yeah, for all people,we're going to have different
perspectives, different ways ofapproaching things.
We're going to have to make ourown boundaries.
Yeah, I want to bring up justone point, because so many
people are like well, I createdboundaries for her.
You don't create boundaries forother people, you create
boundaries for yourself.
A boundary isn't like I don'tlike you doing that, so you
(18:11):
can't do that around me anymore.
A boundary is like if I see youdoing that and that feels
unsafe to me, I'm going toremove myself from that
situation, so I can feel safe.
It's what I'm going to do ifthis continues, and I think that
that's a huge major thing forus to look at.
Yes, for adults, you're goingto have to make boundaries with
(18:31):
yourself.
There's no perfect relationshipout there in which the other
person is always going to knowwhat you need, what you like,
what you don't like, what yourlimits are.
So we have to make that forourselves, and what I loved
about what you just said is whenit's us, we have so much power
that's like true empowerment isthat I don't need to control
(18:54):
this relationship or this otherperson.
I just need to control how Ishow up to it and what work I do
around it, and it's such a giftto be able to do that growth
work.
And, speaking of that, this iswhat I've also noticed is you
were talking about phases offriendships, and I think that
this is really important,because what can happen is
(19:17):
somebody can do a lot of theirown inner work and the other
person's not necessarily doingthe same kind of work, and I've
seen that be like a real rift inrelationships.
Yeah, and I used to see it andmy clients always see it as like
Ah, this is a break in therelationship rather than this is
(19:37):
a shift in the relationship,and so, as I do more personal
growth work, I'm probably gonnaseek out friends that are also
doing some personal growth work.
It's helpful to be on the samelevel.
Maryam Solhjou (19:50):
Yeah, I agree, and you know we have, and it
doesn't mean that we disconnectfrom the other person, right?
It doesn't mean we areestranged from the other person.
I have so many friendships thathave evolved.
I still am in touch with them,we talk on the phone, we chat
through text, but it's differentthan it was five years ago or
(20:11):
ten years ago, right, we'veevolved.
They've gone in a certaindirection, right, and they may
be spending their time withcertain people, and I've gone in
a certain direction.
I always say Estrangement islike negative energy, right, and
if a friendship is leaving abad taste in your mouth and it's
(20:31):
just lingering, where it's hardfor you to bump into that
person, or it's hard for you tolook at their picture or see
their name in your cell phonestill in your contacts, and
there's work for us to do.
When that, when that kind,those kinds of feelings and that
that bad taste is still in ourmouth, there's that that's
(20:51):
really an invitation for us todo our our own work and it's
really, if we can view it as agift, it really is a gift, it's
a jewel for us.
Yeah.
Christina Smith (21:01):
Mmm, I love that.
That it's a gift Really, is.
I mean, I think that that's thenumber one thing, for
relationships is not necessarilyabout the relationship it's,
but it's about, like, what can Ilearn about myself by being in
relationship with this person?
Because I think that that's soEssential.
That's the whole reason for Imean not the only reason for
(21:22):
relationships we love to be inconnection.
Humans need other humans, but Ithink it is one of the biggest
gifts that I get fromrelationships like, oh, I'm
seeing more of me and what makesme tick, what makes me
triggered, what Creates all ofthat stuff.
So I think that that's soimportant.
So how do we Make new friends?
(21:48):
And if we, if we do becomeestranged or like you said, we
have these relationships, maybewe used to get together with
this friend every week, and nowit's like more, like twice a
year or something.
We might want to fill that void.
So how do we Create newfriendships in midlife, I think?
(22:09):
that this is such a it's likethe number one question, I guess
.
Maryam Solhjou (22:10):
Yes, it is a big question, so I want to go to
that, but I remembered the pointI wanted to make earlier.
Okay, I and I wrote it, I wrotea note down.
I'm like, let me make sure Imentioned this.
So, when you were talking about, like, if somebody does
something and we can really setand we say I would have never
done what they did, right?
(22:32):
I think that when, whenever thatthought comes up for us, or
whenever we find ourselvesspeaking those words, we got to
stop because, look, every singleone of us grew up in different
households, different families,that that Vital phase of you
know who our caretakers were,our Adolescents, our young
adulthood.
(22:53):
We've all had so many differentexperiences.
There is no way that we canexpect Somebody else to Do what
we would have done in thatsituation.
Right?
And I think that can really,really hurt relationships is we
get offended because I wouldhave never done what that person
did right?
Just recognizing that we areIndividuals, very different, and
(23:16):
we all are going to actdifferent ways in our
relationships, I think that canbring a lot of peace, inner
peace, when we recognize thatand just catch ourselves when we
go down that line of thinking Iwould have never done that,
yeah.
So that's the point I wanted tomake, so I'm gonna.
I'm so glad you made it though.
(23:36):
Yeah, but yeah, so glad youmade it because, like I, have
clients who are like oh, myfriend, she didn't message me on
my birthday, and I mean howcould she and they?
Christina Smith (23:42):
they'll stay mad for like weeks and it's like
we don't know what was going on.
Maybe she forgot it was yourbirthday.
Maybe in her life birthdaysweren't that important, or
exactly like she just ignoresthem, like we have no idea what
that means.
But we're assigning meaning iswhat I think that is important
(24:02):
to that right, that conversationthat you're having around that
is.
It's that assigned meaning thatwe're giving it like it must
mean that she doesn't care, thatI'm not important to her.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, but I think that's thepoint that I think we have to
make.
I think that's the point thatwe have to make blah blah and we
make up all these storiesrather than just going, hey, it
(24:26):
was my birthday, I didn't get amessage from you, or even, ahead
of time, going, hey, mybirthday is next week.
Yeah, I would really love.
Yes, yeah, making me ask ratherthan assumption.
Maryam Solhjou (24:38):
Yeah, so many of our friendships actually are,
you know can get ruined that wayis because of that point of
thinking yeah.
Yeah so when it comes tofriendships, um, or making new
friends, I always say we can'tdo it if we're just sitting down
(24:58):
on the couch wishing for newfriends, and I see that a lot
that people are not puttingthemselves out there and saying
you know, I want new friends.
So it won't happen that way,right, because we are not going
to school, so we're notsurrounded by getting to know
people.
A lot of us are working fromhome or not working anymore, so
we don't have that workenvironment.
(25:19):
So we really have to make aneffort, as we get older, to
build new connections.
So I have found a couple ofdifferent ways that I have found
that this works is figuring outwhat our interests are right,
and signing up for classes thathave those interests, right.
This is how we connect withother people with similar values
(25:44):
and similar interests, right?
So those classes and gatheringsand groups are really good, and
we have like platforms likeMeetup that have those things,
and if you're in yourneighborhood, there's the
Nextdoor app, you can, like youknow, get people together and if
you don't see a class, you canalways create your own group,
(26:04):
right.
So those classes and groupswhere our interests are are the
best places to meet people.
Another area is volunteering.
You know, recently I startedvolunteering at our local
shelter.
I mean, I'm looking on Nextdoorand I see there are so many
needs right now that sheltersare overpacked.
I like dogs, I like dealingwith the psychology of dogs, so
(26:29):
I'm like you know, let mevolunteer at my local shelter.
I've made so many newconnections, it's like my brain
is growing in so many new waysdealing with, you know, the
place that I'm volunteering.
So those two areas, I think, aresomeplace where we, but we have
to make an effort.
First we have to, you know,figure out what our interests
are and then actually takingtime to research.
(26:51):
You know, where can I findthese groups?
Where do I want to volunteer?
And then, once we meet thosepeople in those in those circles
, making an effort to meet withthem outside of those classes
and outside of the volunteerenvironment, so that we can see
(27:14):
do I still connect with themoutside of that setting?
Right, how well do I connectwith them outside of that
setting?
So I think that's that'simportant too.
So those are the suggestionsthat I have, and I know it takes
effort, but we just can't do itjust sitting and wishing for it
, which I see, a lot of womenare just dismayed and they're
like, oh, I need new people inmy life.
(27:35):
So it takes a little bit of aneffort but it's so well worth it
.
I've done it in my own life andI help my clients do that, so
it's really rewarding becausenot only can you make good
friends right, you can make goodfriends that you can have
coffee with you know, meet with,chat with, but you also extend
your social circle, right, soyou can make good friends and
(27:56):
then, just on that, just therings of the social circles that
we have, that gets extended too, because everybody knows
another 10, 20 people that theyintroduce you to, right, they
invite you to a party.
You've got another 10, 20people there who do you connect
with.
Yeah, so those are great waysto do that.
Christina Smith (28:17):
I love that so much and yet, like I feel you on
the, we want to sit on ourcouch and just have good friends
, like walk up into our livingroom and be like, hey, I'm here
to be your friend now and like,unless you're just ordering door
dash every day, making friendswith the door dash, or it's a
little bit more challenging andI moved from the east coast to
(28:38):
the southwest about five yearsago.
We knew no one, I mean otherthan my son was here, but we
knew no one.
And people are like well, howdid you create such a great
circle of friends in Arizona?
I don't understand it.
And I was like well, I did thework.
You know, I did go to meet up,I did find some meetups of
things like hiking and stuff,things that I like to do, and I
(29:02):
wanted to have like somethingmore.
I wanted to create a circle ofwomen.
Maryam Solhjou (29:07):
So what did?
Christina Smith (29:08):
I do it's, I created it.
I created open circle, you know, an open circle for women to
come share whatever is going onfor them, whether it's
celebrating or doing, you know,talking about the hard things
and that's how a lot of womengot to meet each other, and I
mean it was work, though I meanit wasn't like.
I was just like let me justmanifest some friends right here
(29:31):
and they're just going to bringmy doorbell and it's going to
happen, and I say this to women,and then they get like
discouraged yeah, I don't wantto do that yeah.
Well, you know how badly do wewant our friendship.
Maryam Solhjou (29:44):
Exactly, and you know it's an investment.
It's harder work right now,right, it's effort right now.
It's difficult right now, buthey, you know those friendships
are going to be really vital tous as we grow older.
So if we think that I'm puttingthe work in right now and
investing in my future, right,because those relationships are
(30:04):
going to be really important aswe age, yeah, and we're all
craving human connection rightnow.
We're just coming out of thepandemic, so many things are
moving to zoom online, so Ireally think a lot of the
agitation and frustration, I see, I think we're just missing
that human connection.
Christina Smith (30:25):
Yeah, and I really liked what you said about
.
You know, it's almost likedating, like ask them on a date
outside of the group that you'rein so that you can really get
to know them One on one.
Yeah, and friends are like, youknow, the same thing with a
relationship with a partner.
Not every single person we meetis going to fit our bill.
(30:46):
It's going to work out for usand I think that that's another
part for us to just recognizeand be honest with ourselves at.
Just because I do ask somebodyout to coffee, we might go to
coffee and find out we reallydon't have much in common or we
really have different,completely different lifestyles.
We just kind of share that onehobby and let that be okay.
(31:08):
That's like practice,friendship, dating, right.
Maryam Solhjou (31:11):
Yeah, yeah, and they can be all in your wider
social circle, right?
So you may be looking forsomebody that's in your smaller,
smaller circle, right?
And they just maybe, maybe inan outer ring, right?
You don't have to see them allthe time, you just see them
occasionally.
Christina Smith (31:27):
Yeah, yeah, and recognizing that.
Yeah, I love that you mentionedthat, because there are
different levels of friendship.
There's friends I might talk toonce a year and then there's
other friends where I talk tothem every month and other
friends where I might go outwith them every week.
But it's really about creatinglayers of those friendships.
(31:49):
I think that that's what reallyhas supported me, because those
outer layers aren't any lessimportant.
You just have a different kindof relationship, yep.
So just thinking about that,just so that we don't all think
that just because I invite awoman out to lunch or something,
that suddenly we are going tobe best friends forever and be
(32:13):
calling each other every day,which I think is also a
different like.
One more point that I just wantto make is that we communicate
in different ways as well.
So just being aware of that,some people are like full on
textors.
I'm not much of a textor.
Yeah, I'm just going to set upreal conversations and that's
about it.
But some other people like theywant to have a text every day.
(32:37):
Those people would probably notbe in my closest friends line,
just because that's not alifestyle that fits for me.
So, just knowing that we havepower to make new friends.
We have power to look at what'sgoing on within ourselves when
we are struggling in arelationship I think it's really
(32:57):
important as well and then howwe make these new friends.
It means that you're going tohave to do a little bit of
effort.
It's just like dating yourfuture partner is not going to
walk up to your door and ringthe doorbell probably.
I mean, I guess it could happen, but you probably have better
chances if you're out doing thework and trying to actually make
(33:19):
it happen rather than justwaiting around.
Thank you so much for being hereSure and you have a great gift
for our audience as well, so youwant to tell us about that.
Maryam Solhjou (33:29):
Yeah Well, thank you so much, Christina, for
having me it was a pleasurehaving this chat with you.
Yeah, so I have a midlife guide.
The link is going to be below,I believe.
They can click on that to get it.
It's a series of questions foryou to self reflect on and then
I'll give you a little bit of aquick overview of what you're
(33:50):
thinking about your past alittle bit and then how you want
to move into your future.
So it's a guide for that.
Yeah, yeah, and when they signup for that, they'll also get my
occasional newsletter thatcomes out a couple of times, a
couple of times a month, and aspart of my practice, I do offer
my first.
I do offer a free coachingsession.
(34:11):
My first session is free to see, you know, for a good match,
like a chemistry, it's like achemistry call.
Yeah.
Christina Smith (34:20):
Beautiful, beautiful.
Thanks for sharing that andthanks for being here.
Friendship is such a big topicin your life.
I want all women to have asmany friendships as fulfill them
.
We just have to do a take itupon ourselves, take the power
upon ourselves to do a littlebit of work, whether we're in a
relationship or whether we wantnew ones.
(34:42):
Thanks so much.
Maryam Solhjou (34:44):
You're welcome, yeah.
Christina Smith (34:46):
And thank you, audience, for tuning in and
really following this.
I'd love to hear people'scomments about maybe there's
other ways that you found tomeet new friends.
Me and Miriam are always opento new ways.
We'd love to know.
So leave a comment for us andwe'll talk to you soon.
Thanks, shifters.
Well, welcome back shifters to a new week.
We have Maryam on today, andMaryam is a resilience and
midlife coach.
So we are talking to someonewho, even you know, specializes
in relationships as well as justresilience, right, Because I
(00:20):
think in midlife we need a lotof resilience in our friendship
sometimes.
But that's just my personalopinion.
Welcome Maryam.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Maryam Solhjou (00:30):
Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here.
Christina Smith (00:32):
Yeah, I'm looking forward to this
conversation but before we startbecause I know friendships is
such a big thing in midlife Alot of us are letting go of our
kids.
We're a little bit morecomfortable in our careers maybe
, and now we're like okay, sowhere'd all my friends go?
But before we start thatconversation, tell us a little
bit more about you.
Maryam Solhjou (00:53):
Yeah, so, as you said, I am a resilience coach
and I specialize in working withpeople in midlife going through
changing relationships and, asyou know and probably have
experienced like I have,relationships do change in this
stage of life.
Our needs are changing.
Our children have grown up, sowe have empty nest going on, we
(01:15):
may be dealing with agingparents, careers may be changing
.
Lots of changes happen in thisstage.
So that impacts what our needsare and that impacts our
relationships.
So, yeah, I help folks navigateall that stuff.
Christina Smith (01:32):
Yeah, and what I love about this is like we
always I always look at midlifeas if it's a second adolescence
and when we look at like theadolescent archetype, it's
really about like who am I andhow do I socially have these
relationships right?
That's the stage where we startmaking friends on our own, not
(01:53):
just because we're stuck in aplay date or whatever, but we
really start reassessing, likewho is it that I actually want
to be in connection with andwant to relate to?
And I think that this happensagain in midlife for us, when we
start going okay, whatrelationships are actually
benefiting me and which ones area little bit more of a struggle
(02:14):
and I loved we were talkingbefore this, just so you could
go y'all in that you were sayingthere's different phases to
relationships.
So where do we start?
Where do you want to start withthis whole friendship thing in
midlife?
Maryam Solhjou (02:29):
You know I'd like to start with what I'm
excuse me, I have a little bitof a cough.
So what I'd like to start withis what I see a lot of people
stress over during this stage.
I think we're all gravitating orthe good chunk of us are
gravitating having more peace inour relationships, having less
drama in our relationships.
(02:52):
And, you know, as our needs arechanging those relationships,
our relationships are going tobe changing our friendships and
that can leave us stressed thatwhy isn't my friendship like it
was five years ago, 10 years ago?
Right, when there is anacceptance of my relationships
(03:17):
are going to change, right,because I am changing right,
there is so much less stresswhen you accept that that you
know.
So that when something doescome up with one of your
friendships or any relationship,that, oh okay, I understand,
because this is supposed to behappening, things are going to
be changing.
Now, of course, if there areobstacles or challenges that
(03:38):
need to be addressed, youaddress them.
But part of really evolving,part of resilience, is
understanding our emotions whenour relationships are changing
and being able to sit with andnavigate those emotions when
those relationships change andnot so much fight it or have a
lot of drama around it, you know, getting to a place of
(04:01):
acceptance when it comes tothose relationships changing.
Christina Smith (04:07):
I love that because just recently I went
through a shift in arelationship with a friend and
it was really crushing to me,you know, and I had to start
working through that.
I was feeling abandoned, right,and not necessarily, you know,
this woman was doing whatever'sbest for her mental health and
(04:27):
what she needs right now.
And so, like you were saying,things change because our needs
change.
And I had to realize, like youknow, it's not always like the
movies where you have one friendor you know five friends and
you have them for your entirelife and I mean it works out for
my husband, it doesn'tnecessarily work out for me.
(04:50):
And so it wasn't just the oneshift of this relationship, it
was that suddenly it wasbringing all of that emotional
wounding from all therelationships that I've had
where I felt abandoned orestranged or you know, not
really sure what was going on.
So that's just one way thatthings can shift.
(05:12):
And after I worked that out andI was like, oh, hold on, that's
actually I call it a fishnet ofwounds that every time, every
time somebody kind of pings andthis whole fishnet of wounds
comes up and I forget that it'snot about just this relationship
, it's about being able to morework through it and be like well
(05:32):
, relationships are meant tochange.
They aren't gonna stay the same, Like even if you're married
for 50 years, your relationshipat year zero, year 10, year 20,
year 30, they're all gonna bedifferent.
And so how do you help themwork through the emotions that
are going on?
(05:53):
I'm sure the abandonment thingmust be a common one but.
I'm sure there's so many otherstoo.
Maryam Solhjou (05:59):
Right, and I'm so glad that you brought that up
, because it really can triggera lot of stuff from our
background when these changeshappen, right, things that we
haven't healed yet.
But I think it's such a, it'sso insightful and such a gift if
we're able to notice, oh wow,this is triggering something in
(06:21):
me that has really nothing to dowith this current situation,
but stuff from my backgroundthat Maybe this is an invitation
for me to do some of my innerwork.
Right, it's.
It's really easy for us to fallinto the blaming and pointing
and getting angry at the otherperson when, in fact, first of
(06:45):
all, we don't know what otherpeople are going through.
I mean, we may think we do, butwe really don't know what other
people are going through.
So they may have certain woundsthat and they probably do in
certain triggers that you knowthey're triggered right now and
things are changing.
I have found that, even when Ihave Encountered friends who I
(07:09):
feel lash out, my first responseis not to get defensive.
I have on so many occasionsReached out hey, this is not
like you, what's going on withyou that you're sending such a
text?
Right.
So being aware of not gettingdefensive first, because most of
the time it has nothing to dowith us.
A good chunk of the time itjust has to do with what that
(07:32):
other person is going through.
So extending Compassion,extending empathy, really, I
have found reduces our stress,instead of making it about me
and getting defensive About it,because that that those emotions
can just linger and then, youknow, spill into other areas of
our life.
(07:52):
The sooner we're able to Dothat and go through that process
, the easier it is and itdoesn't spill into other areas
of our life.
Christina Smith (08:01):
Mmm, I love that so much because I always
see relationships, friendships,whatever it is.
It's like such an opportunityfor own growth, work, because
whatever is going on, I knowthat if I'm getting to the point
where I do want to lash out,where I do want to, like, point
out what they're doing Wrong orwhatever, like I know, I'm in
that wounded small part of me,that wounded child part of me
(08:25):
that suddenly, you know, wakesup and just doesn't want it to
be my fault because I can't fixanything from that, an
unempowered place.
And the other thing that canhappen is we just start telling
ourselves stories about it.
And I know in the past I wasreally proud of myself this year
when this relationship shiftedand I really didn't tell myself
(08:45):
stories about it.
Instead I was like, okay, well,I don't know what's going on
for her, I don't know what'shappening for her, but I Didn't
tell myself stories about it,which I think is the worst part
when it comes to like, at leastfor me.
For the emotional part is I cansit here and go oh, there must
be something wrong with me, shedoesn't want to share something
(09:06):
with me, I must have donesomething, and I can go down
that whole suffering spiral butinstead we can just ask directly
, like what's going on, and wemay not get a direct answer or
an answer that Feels fulfillingto us, but at least we know if
we asked, we opened up space Forthat conversation.
(09:28):
If the other person is scaredof saying something like that,
or we've opened up theconversation to hear hey, this
just doesn't fit for me.
The way that, you know, we'vethe schedule that we used to
have of friends and do thatstuff just doesn't fit for me.
So that I can understand morebefore I just go down that
suffering spiral and tellingmyself all kinds of nasty stuff
(09:49):
about me.
Maryam Solhjou (09:50):
Yes, yes, very true.
And you know, the thing is isthat we might fall into those
stories, right, stories about me, stories about the other person
.
I Think that initiallynaturally happens for all of us.
The difference, I think, iswhen we're able to catch
ourselves before we go down thatwrap a hole before it, before
(10:12):
we stay in there too long, right?
So, as you said, it's okay, weall have those stories, that
just trying to catch usourselves sooner and which opens
up to, if it lingers and youthink you need to have a
conversation with the otherperson, hey, do so.
Right, because one it's okay ifyou don't get the response
you're looking for.
(10:34):
I always say, when you havedifficult conversations, no
matter how the conversation goesafterwards, congratulate
yourself on initiating orsitting in on a difficult
conversations, right, because Ithink most of us have problems
with having difficultconversations and Then, when we
do have them, we're like oh, Iknow we shouldn't have had that
(10:55):
conversation because it didn'tgo like I plan, but we have to
remember to congratulateourselves and really acknowledge
ourselves for doing somethingthat was difficult.
Right, because that's part ofresilience knowing something is
difficult and doing it anyway,right.
Christina Smith (11:11):
And it's so vulnerable sometimes for some of
us to have those conversations,especially if we grew up in a
household where everything waskind of swept under the rug and
we just ignored it all, and whatI've learned is, if I don't
bring those conversations up, itjust gets worse like I mean.
I start having judgments and Istart going, oh, why doesn't she
(11:32):
change her behavior?
And you know, and I can getinto a very Self-centered kind
of thought process where I'mlike, well, that's not the way I
would have treated them.
And I see all of all of thatperspective.
That's like how dare they treatme, that's not how I would
treat them, but like we have tounderstand that not everybody
(11:57):
grew up like us, you know.
Not everybody grew up with thesame exact perspective and so I
think one of the one of theirstruggles that we don't always
ask for what we want or say, hey, this doesn't work for me.
Can we do something different?
Or can we shift the way thatwe're interacting here, or just
(12:17):
asking for what we want, knowingwe may not get it, because if
we're not asking it's a demandand that's not a question but
like just knowing that we canactually ask for what we want,
and I don't think I I knew thatbefore I was 40, or if I did.
It was way too Scary for me toeven try to ask for what I
(12:37):
wanted.
I should just Buck up and dealwith it right instead.
Of actually pointing somethingout and I thought how terrible
of a friend am I if I'm notpointing out what I think Might
be hurting this person's otherrelationships as well?
Not saying that I'm right, justsaying this is a point I'm
bringing up.
(12:57):
So I Think asking for what wewant is something that we often
skip over and we go to that.
Some of my clients go to that.
Well, they should have known.
Maryam Solhjou (13:11):
Yeah, that's yeah.
So a couple of things I want totouch on there.
So I'm gonna come back forasking what we want, but the the
first part of what you said waswhat was the first part that
you said Okay, now it's justcompletely.
I completely lost my thought.
Okay so what when we're, whenwe're talking about asking for
what we want.
(13:31):
First we have to Recognize whatis it that is being triggered
in me right?
Christina Smith (13:37):
and.
Maryam Solhjou (13:39):
And whatever feeling is coming up for me
anxiousness, being scared,whatever it is the other person
is not responsible for what I'mgoing through, right, I am
responsible for my own emotions.
So when I'm asking for what Iwant, I have to be aware of,
okay, well, if, if what she'sdoing is making me, for example,
(14:01):
jealous, right?
Well, I mean, I can't ask theother person to stop doing
something because I'm gettingjealous, right that?
That is something I need towork on.
I'm responsible for my ownfeelings, right.
I can't hold someone elseresponsible for my feelings.
So we have to be aware of whenwe're asking for what we want.
Is it really something that isour responsibility to take care
(14:23):
of, or the other person?
So that's really important inin doing that and if I remember
my second thought, I will I willcome come back to it.
Christina Smith (14:33):
That's an important thought right there is
, you know, realizing.
I do a little class once in awhile called whose problem is it
anyway, like if we're in aconflict or if we're having a
struggle, like whose problem isit.
And I always say the personwith the problem is the person
with the problem.
So meaning the person with thefeelings or the trigger around
(14:54):
it is the person with theproblem, and it doesn't become
that other person's challenge orconflict until we actually ask
for what we want.
And a lot of times we don't haveto do that, which I think is
like what you were justexplaining.
If I'm feeling jealous, am Igoing to say to my friend, oh,
don't shine so brightly, don'tyou know, show all of who you
(15:16):
are, because I get jealous?
No, that's ridiculous.
Delicacy is something I have towork out within my own self.
Am I?
Am I sad because I don't shinemy own light bright enough?
Is that what's going on?
Am I sad that I don't feel likeI have the same opportunities
(15:36):
or I'm not creating the sameopportunities as this other
person is?
And so, looking at that part, Ilove that you brought that up
because I think that that thatreally is essential because it's
ownership Like that's theownership of that fishnetta
wounds that I have, that I canget jealous, that I feel
abandoned, that I get mad whenyou do that thing.
(15:58):
It's like, well, that's allabout me and the stories I'm
telling myself about it notabout that other person.
So often there I don't even askthe other person for anything,
because by the time I've done myown work I'm like, oh, I get
what it is, I get what it isExactly, exactly, exactly about
me.
Maryam Solhjou (16:19):
Yeah, I think that's a big one in all
relationships that really isjust like such a.
There's so much peace when wecan do that, because now I have
control over what I can do aboutit, versus if it's in the other
person I have no control.
I mean, I have a hard enoughtime controlling me, let alone
trying to control somebody else,right?
(16:40):
So when it is me, I have somuch more control over it, right
?
Who can I reach out to?
Can I reach out to my therapist?
Can I reach out to my coach?
Can I reach out to a friend?
What is it that I can do to nowwrap my head around this thing
that's going on in me, becauseit's just such so much more
controllable when, I can takeownership over it.
Christina Smith (17:03):
I love that and like for me.
Most of the time when I workthrough these things with my
clients, it's usually somethingthat they can control right.
In the fact of like boundaries,I'm not creating boundaries for
myself and therefore I'mallowing this person in spaces
that I don't want them in or,you know, to act in ways that I
(17:28):
don't find acceptable orwhatever the thing is.
It's me being mad at me for notmaking those boundaries and
there's a little bit of anger,don't get me wrong.
My inner child wants to put thisin Says there's a little bit of
anger at the fact that I haveto make boundaries right.
That I can't get, you know, butit's like the grown up part of
(17:48):
us goes yeah, for all people,we're going to have different
perspectives, different ways ofapproaching things.
We're going to have to make ourown boundaries.
Yeah, I want to bring up justone point, because so many
people are like well, I createdboundaries for her.
You don't create boundaries forother people, you create
boundaries for yourself.
A boundary isn't like I don'tlike you doing that, so you
(18:11):
can't do that around me anymore.
A boundary is like if I see youdoing that and that feels
unsafe to me, I'm going toremove myself from that
situation, so I can feel safe.
It's what I'm going to do ifthis continues, and I think that
that's a huge major thing forus to look at.
Yes, for adults, you're goingto have to make boundaries with
(18:31):
yourself.
There's no perfect relationshipout there in which the other
person is always going to knowwhat you need, what you like,
what you don't like, what yourlimits are.
So we have to make that forourselves, and what I loved
about what you just said is whenit's us, we have so much power
that's like true empowerment isthat I don't need to control
(18:54):
this relationship or this otherperson.
I just need to control how Ishow up to it and what work I do
around it, and it's such a giftto be able to do that growth
work.
And, speaking of that, this iswhat I've also noticed is you
were talking about phases offriendships, and I think that
this is really important,because what can happen is
(19:17):
somebody can do a lot of theirown inner work and the other
person's not necessarily doingthe same kind of work, and I've
seen that be like a real rift inrelationships.
Yeah, and I used to see it andmy clients always see it as like
Ah, this is a break in therelationship rather than this is
(19:37):
a shift in the relationship,and so, as I do more personal
growth work, I'm probably gonnaseek out friends that are also
doing some personal growth work.
It's helpful to be on the samelevel.
Maryam Solhjou (19:50):
Yeah, I agree, and you know we have, and it
doesn't mean that we disconnectfrom the other person, right?
It doesn't mean we areestranged from the other person.
I have so many friendships thathave evolved.
I still am in touch with them,we talk on the phone, we chat
through text, but it's differentthan it was five years ago or
(20:11):
ten years ago, right, we'veevolved.
They've gone in a certaindirection, right, and they may
be spending their time withcertain people, and I've gone in
a certain direction.
I always say Estrangement islike negative energy, right, and
if a friendship is leaving abad taste in your mouth and it's
(20:31):
just lingering, where it's hardfor you to bump into that
person, or it's hard for you tolook at their picture or see
their name in your cell phonestill in your contacts, and
there's work for us to do.
When that, when that kind,those kinds of feelings and that
that bad taste is still in ourmouth, there's that that's
(20:51):
really an invitation for us todo our our own work and it's
really, if we can view it as agift, it really is a gift, it's
a jewel for us.
Yeah.
Christina Smith (21:01):
Mmm, I love that.
That it's a gift Really, is.
I mean, I think that that's thenumber one thing, for
relationships is not necessarilyabout the relationship it's,
but it's about, like, what can Ilearn about myself by being in
relationship with this person?
Because I think that that's soEssential.
That's the whole reason for Imean not the only reason for
(21:22):
relationships we love to be inconnection.
Humans need other humans, but Ithink it is one of the biggest
gifts that I get fromrelationships like, oh, I'm
seeing more of me and what makesme tick, what makes me
triggered, what Creates all ofthat stuff.
So I think that that's soimportant.
So how do we Make new friends?
(21:48):
And if we, if we do becomeestranged or like you said, we
have these relationships, maybewe used to get together with
this friend every week, and nowit's like more, like twice a
year or something.
We might want to fill that void.
So how do we Create newfriendships in midlife, I think?
(22:09):
that this is such a it's likethe number one question, I guess
.
Maryam Solhjou (22:10):
Yes, it is a big question, so I want to go to
that, but I remembered the pointI wanted to make earlier.
Okay, I and I wrote it, I wrotea note down.
I'm like, let me make sure Imentioned this.
So, when you were talking about, like, if somebody does
something and we can really setand we say I would have never
done what they did, right?
(22:32):
I think that when, whenever thatthought comes up for us, or
whenever we find ourselvesspeaking those words, we got to
stop because, look, every singleone of us grew up in different
households, different families,that that Vital phase of you
know who our caretakers were,our Adolescents, our young
adulthood.
(22:53):
We've all had so many differentexperiences.
There is no way that we canexpect Somebody else to Do what
we would have done in thatsituation.
Right?
And I think that can really,really hurt relationships is we
get offended because I wouldhave never done what that person
did right?
Just recognizing that we areIndividuals, very different, and
(23:16):
we all are going to actdifferent ways in our
relationships, I think that canbring a lot of peace, inner
peace, when we recognize thatand just catch ourselves when we
go down that line of thinking Iwould have never done that,
yeah.
So that's the point I wanted tomake, so I'm gonna.
I'm so glad you made it though.
(23:36):
Yeah, but yeah, so glad youmade it because, like I, have
clients who are like oh, myfriend, she didn't message me on
my birthday, and I mean howcould she and they?
Christina Smith (23:42):
they'll stay mad for like weeks and it's like
we don't know what was going on.
Maybe she forgot it was yourbirthday.
Maybe in her life birthdaysweren't that important, or
exactly like she just ignoresthem, like we have no idea what
that means.
But we're assigning meaning iswhat I think that is important
(24:02):
to that right, that conversationthat you're having around that
is.
It's that assigned meaning thatwe're giving it like it must
mean that she doesn't care, thatI'm not important to her.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, but I think that's thepoint that I think we have to
make.
I think that's the point thatwe have to make blah blah and we
make up all these storiesrather than just going, hey, it
(24:26):
was my birthday, I didn't get amessage from you, or even, ahead
of time, going, hey, mybirthday is next week.
Yeah, I would really love.
Yes, yeah, making me ask ratherthan assumption.
Maryam Solhjou (24:38):
Yeah, so many of our friendships actually are,
you know can get ruined that wayis because of that point of
thinking yeah.
Yeah so when it comes tofriendships, um, or making new
friends, I always say we can'tdo it if we're just sitting down
(24:58):
on the couch wishing for newfriends, and I see that a lot
that people are not puttingthemselves out there and saying
you know, I want new friends.
So it won't happen that way,right, because we are not going
to school, so we're notsurrounded by getting to know
people.
A lot of us are working fromhome or not working anymore, so
we don't have that workenvironment.
(25:19):
So we really have to make aneffort, as we get older, to
build new connections.
So I have found a couple ofdifferent ways that I have found
that this works is figuring outwhat our interests are right,
and signing up for classes thathave those interests, right.
This is how we connect withother people with similar values
(25:44):
and similar interests, right?
So those classes and gatheringsand groups are really good, and
we have like platforms likeMeetup that have those things,
and if you're in yourneighborhood, there's the
Nextdoor app, you can, like youknow, get people together and if
you don't see a class, you canalways create your own group,
(26:04):
right.
So those classes and groupswhere our interests are are the
best places to meet people.
Another area is volunteering.
You know, recently I startedvolunteering at our local
shelter.
I mean, I'm looking on Nextdoorand I see there are so many
needs right now that sheltersare overpacked.
I like dogs, I like dealingwith the psychology of dogs, so
(26:29):
I'm like you know, let mevolunteer at my local shelter.
I've made so many newconnections, it's like my brain
is growing in so many new waysdealing with, you know, the
place that I'm volunteering.
So those two areas, I think, aresomeplace where we, but we have
to make an effort.
First we have to, you know,figure out what our interests
are and then actually takingtime to research.
(26:51):
You know, where can I findthese groups?
Where do I want to volunteer?
And then, once we meet thosepeople in those in those circles
, making an effort to meet withthem outside of those classes
and outside of the volunteerenvironment, so that we can see
(27:14):
do I still connect with themoutside of that setting?
Right, how well do I connectwith them outside of that
setting?
So I think that's that'simportant too.
So those are the suggestionsthat I have, and I know it takes
effort, but we just can't do itjust sitting and wishing for it
, which I see, a lot of womenare just dismayed and they're
like, oh, I need new people inmy life.
(27:35):
So it takes a little bit of aneffort but it's so well worth it
.
I've done it in my own life andI help my clients do that, so
it's really rewarding becausenot only can you make good
friends right, you can make goodfriends that you can have
coffee with you know, meet with,chat with, but you also extend
your social circle, right, soyou can make good friends and
(27:56):
then, just on that, just therings of the social circles that
we have, that gets extended too, because everybody knows
another 10, 20 people that theyintroduce you to, right, they
invite you to a party.
You've got another 10, 20people there who do you connect
with.
Yeah, so those are great waysto do that.
Christina Smith (28:17):
I love that so much and yet, like I feel you on
the, we want to sit on ourcouch and just have good friends
, like walk up into our livingroom and be like, hey, I'm here
to be your friend now and like,unless you're just ordering door
dash every day, making friendswith the door dash, or it's a
little bit more challenging andI moved from the east coast to
(28:38):
the southwest about five yearsago.
We knew no one, I mean otherthan my son was here, but we
knew no one.
And people are like well, howdid you create such a great
circle of friends in Arizona?
I don't understand it.
And I was like well, I did thework.
You know, I did go to meet up,I did find some meetups of
things like hiking and stuff,things that I like to do, and I
(29:02):
wanted to have like somethingmore.
I wanted to create a circle ofwomen.
Maryam Solhjou (29:07):
So what did?
Christina Smith (29:08):
I do it's, I created it.
I created open circle, you know, an open circle for women to
come share whatever is going onfor them, whether it's
celebrating or doing, you know,talking about the hard things
and that's how a lot of womengot to meet each other, and I
mean it was work, though I meanit wasn't like.
I was just like let me justmanifest some friends right here
(29:31):
and they're just going to bringmy doorbell and it's going to
happen, and I say this to women,and then they get like
discouraged yeah, I don't wantto do that yeah.
Well, you know how badly do wewant our friendship.
Maryam Solhjou (29:44):
Exactly, and you know it's an investment.
It's harder work right now,right, it's effort right now.
It's difficult right now, buthey, you know those friendships
are going to be really vital tous as we grow older.
So if we think that I'm puttingthe work in right now and
investing in my future, right,because those relationships are
(30:04):
going to be really important aswe age, yeah, and we're all
craving human connection rightnow.
We're just coming out of thepandemic, so many things are
moving to zoom online, so Ireally think a lot of the
agitation and frustration, I see, I think we're just missing
that human connection.
Christina Smith (30:25):
Yeah, and I really liked what you said about
.
You know, it's almost likedating, like ask them on a date
outside of the group that you'rein so that you can really get
to know them One on one.
Yeah, and friends are like, youknow, the same thing with a
relationship with a partner.
Not every single person we meetis going to fit our bill.
(30:46):
It's going to work out for usand I think that that's another
part for us to just recognizeand be honest with ourselves at.
Just because I do ask somebodyout to coffee, we might go to
coffee and find out we reallydon't have much in common or we
really have different,completely different lifestyles.
We just kind of share that onehobby and let that be okay.
(31:08):
That's like practice,friendship, dating, right.
Maryam Solhjou (31:11):
Yeah, yeah, and they can be all in your wider
social circle, right?
So you may be looking forsomebody that's in your smaller,
smaller circle, right?
And they just maybe, maybe inan outer ring, right?
You don't have to see them allthe time, you just see them
occasionally.
Christina Smith (31:27):
Yeah, yeah, and recognizing that.
Yeah, I love that you mentionedthat, because there are
different levels of friendship.
There's friends I might talk toonce a year and then there's
other friends where I talk tothem every month and other
friends where I might go outwith them every week.
But it's really about creatinglayers of those friendships.
(31:49):
I think that that's what reallyhas supported me, because those
outer layers aren't any lessimportant.
You just have a different kindof relationship, yep.
So just thinking about that,just so that we don't all think
that just because I invite awoman out to lunch or something,
that suddenly we are going tobe best friends forever and be
(32:13):
calling each other every day,which I think is also a
different like.
One more point that I just wantto make is that we communicate
in different ways as well.
So just being aware of that,some people are like full on
textors.
I'm not much of a textor.
Yeah, I'm just going to set upreal conversations and that's
about it.
But some other people like theywant to have a text every day.
(32:37):
Those people would probably notbe in my closest friends line,
just because that's not alifestyle that fits for me.
So, just knowing that we havepower to make new friends.
We have power to look at what'sgoing on within ourselves when
we are struggling in arelationship I think it's really
(32:57):
important as well and then howwe make these new friends.
It means that you're going tohave to do a little bit of
effort.
It's just like dating yourfuture partner is not going to
walk up to your door and ringthe doorbell probably.
I mean, I guess it could happen, but you probably have better
chances if you're out doing thework and trying to actually make
(33:19):
it happen rather than justwaiting around.
Thank you so much for being hereSure and you have a great gift
for our audience as well, so youwant to tell us about that.
Maryam Solhjou (33:29):
Yeah Well, thank you so much, Christina, for
having me it was a pleasurehaving this chat with you.
Yeah, so I have a midlife guide.
The link is going to be below,I believe.
They can click on that to get it.
It's a series of questions foryou to self reflect on and then
I'll give you a little bit of aquick overview of what you're
(33:50):
thinking about your past alittle bit and then how you want
to move into your future.
So it's a guide for that.
Yeah, yeah, and when they signup for that, they'll also get my
occasional newsletter thatcomes out a couple of times, a
couple of times a month, and aspart of my practice, I do offer
my first.
I do offer a free coachingsession.
(34:11):
My first session is free to see, you know, for a good match,
like a chemistry, it's like achemistry call.
Yeah.
Christina Smith (34:20):
Beautiful, beautiful.
Thanks for sharing that andthanks for being here.
Friendship is such a big topicin your life.
I want all women to have asmany friendships as fulfill them
.
We just have to do a take itupon ourselves, take the power
upon ourselves to do a littlebit of work, whether we're in a
relationship or whether we wantnew ones.
(34:42):
Thanks so much.
Maryam Solhjou (34:44):
You're welcome, yeah.
Christina Smith (34:46):
And thank you, audience, for tuning in and
really following this.
I'd love to hear people'scomments about maybe there's
other ways that you found tomeet new friends.
Me and Miriam are always opento new ways.
We'd love to know.
So leave a comment for us andwe'll talk to you soon.
Thanks, shifters.
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