November 14, 2023 • 32 mins
Ever felt overwhelmed or powerless? Fret not. This episode is about rediscovering your power and taking charge of your life through setting personal boundaries. I will guide you on how to create a balanced life and tackle the challenging feelings of being overwhelmed. Let's take a deep look into how identifying what we don't want, pinpointing the behavior that contributes to it, and determining what we will do instead can shape the boundaries we need. Remember, it's not about dictating rules, but understanding ourselves and carving a more empowered space for us.
At the heart of this episode lies the profound and empowering act of setting boundaries. We'll explore how this can remarkably influence our relationships. We focus on our non-negotiables, the behaviors that are not serving us well, and how we can alter them. Breaking down the process into three parts: identifying the emotion or trigger, understanding the data related to the situation, and figuring out our desires, we aim to establish boundaries in advance that can lead to a more balanced state and less overwhelming emotions.
Lastly, we dive into empowerment through boundaries. Experience the transformative power of setting clear boundaries in our relationships, learn how to identify your non-negotiables, and gain control over your circumstances. We're here to help you reduce feelings of overwhelm and achieve balance. And if you're unsure about creating a boundary for yourself, we're here to chat. Tune in, get to know yourself better, and discover how boundaries can pave the way for a safer and more empowered personal space. Let's start the journey to a more balanced and empowered life!
Join us in the Modern Midlife Mentorship.
CONNECT with Inviting Shift on Social:
Email me and tell me what you think: christina@christina-smith.com
Tune in wherever you listen to podcasts:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back shifters .
I am here to talk aboutboundaries, and why are
boundaries so important?
Because they're essential toempowerment.
My definition of empowerment iswhen we start trusting
ourselves, when we can pullourselves out of that small
(00:20):
childlike energy that we getinto when we're wounded or
uncomfortable, and be able toreally be able to make choices
that are good for the whole ofus, not just that wounded little
part of ourselves.
And so boundaries are how myclients have learned to get less
(00:41):
triggered, less stuck in otherpeople's drama, less stuck in
their own drama, which meansthat they are less exhausted in
life.
If you're exhausted of drama,boundaries are something that
you need for yourself.
It's also a way where theystart getting in touch with
their own inner wisdom andthings start triggering them so
(01:03):
much less.
I could tell you story afterstory about women who have put
boundaries in place and now theyfeel more confident and joyful
in their midlife, which is whatwe want here at the Inviting
Shif podcast, right?
So I know personally that Ineed boundaries when I'm feeling
(01:23):
really angry at someone, when Iam wanting to blame or shame
others or myself.
I could be getting angry atmyself.
I'm feeling powerless.
That's the perfect time for meto start looking at where my
boundaries are.
When I want to get to the pointwhere I'm like other people
(01:44):
that that person is making mefeel, I know that I'm in a
disempowered place and Iprobably need to make some
boundaries for myself andoverall, when I'm triggered or
uncomfortable, it doesn't meanthat there's necessarily a
boundary being crossed justbecause I'm uncomfortable.
But it might be a time that Ireally want to look at where is
(02:07):
my power in the situation?
Right?
And it all comes back to thatserenity prayer, which is what
can I control?
What can I control and how canI know the difference right?
What do I need to accept when Ican't control it?
And where is my power?
That's what that serenityprayer always reminds me of is
where is my power in acceptanceand action and wisdom, what is
(02:31):
going on?
And that all relates toboundaries and, believe me, if
you're like me, I hate makingboundaries.
I mean, wouldn't the wholeworld be easier if everybody
would act just the way that Iwanted them to and things would
just turn out the way that Iwant them to, so that I don't
(02:51):
have to make boundaries right?
And that's really a childlikeenergy, such a childlike energy
that we bring with it, becauseit's that powerless child.
Remember being a child, youdidn't get to choose when you
went to bed, you didn't get tochoose what you ate.
Everything was done for you butyou didn't have a lot of power.
(03:13):
And so when we're in thatwounded child of being
uncomfortable or triggered orreally emotional, that is a
place of disempowerment.
Often there's a lot of gifts tothat child archetype, but power
is not one of them, and so Iwant to show up the way that I
(03:35):
want to show up in life.
I don't want to show up in thatwounded child.
That is not my dream.
My dream is to feel like I havesome control, or say, over my
life.
And if we're talking about that, that means in order to release
that wounded child, we need amore grown-up archetype within
(03:57):
ourselves to take over and say,okay, here's where my power is
and here's where it isn't.
So the child energy in us, wewant things to turn out the way
that we want them, and any otherway can feel too much
overwhelming right when thingsdon't turn out.
(04:18):
So we're gonna let out ourtears about having to make a
boundary.
Remember, I don't like makingthem either and I make them all
the time because I need them inorder to feel more empowered in
my life.
So I just wanna go over.
It's not real to believe thateverybody's gonna show up the
(04:39):
way that I want them to orcircumstances are gonna show up
the way that I want them to.
I know in our adult brains weknow this, but when we are
triggered, when we're feelingexhausted, hungry, angry, lonely
, tired, sick, we automaticallygo back to this wounded child
energy.
And that wounded child doesn'treally wanna solve anything, it
(05:02):
just wants things to work out.
But as functioning and thrivingadults, we realize that there's
so many people and so many waysof seeing things.
Something that brings you joymight just bring me pain, and so
it's just the way that weinterpret them from our past
(05:23):
experiences, the stories that wetell ourselves about ourselves.
Right, that's where all of ouremotional triggers come from,
and so if we can start makingboundaries so that we stop
running into these things overand over again or protect
ourselves from the places wherewe feel unsafe, then we have
(05:45):
power.
That is our power.
Our power is not to controlother people or how they see it,
or convince them to see it ourway, because a lot of that
doesn't work.
We'd be more at peace if we seemore of ourselves, if we can
really get to know ourselves andwhat it is that we need and we
(06:06):
want, and that is exactly whatboundaries are for.
Boundaries are not for otherpeople's, rules for other people
, and I think often we thinkthat that boundaries are rules
for other people, but they'renot.
Boundaries are really rules forourselves.
What we control, which is us,how we show up, how we act, what
(06:29):
we say those are the thingsthat we control, and so
boundaries are about us, andonce we have the knowledge, once
we go through the process ofsetting a boundary for ourselves
, we learn a lot more aboutourselves.
And when we learn more aboutourselves, we not only see more
(06:52):
of our gifts and magic, but wealso can see a lot of spaces
that we need compassion for, thethings that maybe we don't like
about ourselves or the thingsthat we do, the humaneness in us
, the triggers that we have, theemotions and we often see this
in other people and havejudgments about it, but
sometimes we don't see themwithin ourselves and if we do,
(07:16):
we probably have judgments aboutourselves.
So boundaries are a way of us toget to know what it is that we
like and we don't like, and whyis this part of my trigger
pattern?
Is this part of my experience?
And could it be another way?
Right, so we can start gettingmore curious rather than
judgmental?
I'm just being curious about myhumaneness.
(07:38):
I know I'm not perfect.
I know other people aren'tgoing to be perfect and so, with
that knowledge, where is mypower in keeping myself safe and
keeping myself in a space thatstays focused on my intentions?
So I just wanna go over onereally quick thing about.
(08:00):
We can often say that boundariesare.
They crossed my boundaries, andthat might be true.
We're gonna talk about that ina minute.
But when we are creatingboundaries for our relationships
with other people, I want us toremember that the boundary is
about ourselves.
This boundary is gonna workwhether or not that person
(08:22):
cooperates or not, whether ornot that person wants to and
just can't cooperate or not.
Right, like boundaries areabout what I'm going to do.
We make requests of other people.
Perhaps you know I don't wantname-calling in our
disagreements.
That's a request we might make,but the boundary would be if I
(08:47):
start hearing name-calling inour arguments, I'm going to
remove myself.
The other person is notresponsible for anything.
We could, again, we might haveasked them not to name call, and
maybe it came up again when wedisagreed.
But the boundary, that's arequest.
The boundary is that I am notgoing to keep myself in a space
(09:10):
that I think is unsafe or is notgoing to contribute to our
relationship in a way that Iwant it to Right, that's my
boundary, that's what'snecessary.
They're about what I'm going todo.
Another person's behavior,though, will have to change if
we create that boundary.
Right, what happens when I walkaway?
(09:31):
Because you start name callingCan't continue that argument.
We can't get louder and moreaggressive, right, because I am
walking away, you'll be doingall that stuff by yourself.
So often people think, oh well,my friend or my spouse or my
family member won't go totherapy with me, so nothing can
(09:52):
change.
You can still get what you wantout of the relationship, and
that other person will have tochange their response.
You still may not like it, itstill may not be what you want,
but in the meantime, you'rekeeping yourself safe and you're
keeping to your own values andwhat's important to you.
(10:13):
So, again, boundaries are whatI'm going to do if I get into a
situation I don't want ordoesn't serve me.
It's like deciding what kind ofwall I need around me, and
there's lots of different typesof wall.
Right, we can build a six footbrick wall that's three feet
wide.
Right, if we really just wantto cut that other person off or
(10:36):
cut off that behavior that we'redoing, you know, to ourselves.
And we can also make them asthin and transparent as possible
.
I try to see myself like with agreenhouse around me, that I
can still connect and see thatother person, but that I've kept
(10:56):
this very light boundary aroundme so that I can stay in
connection and still keep my ownsafety.
Boundaries don't even need tobe expressed to the other person
.
However, if we've built thatbig, thick brick wall, other
people will feel it Right, ifit's around a relationship,
(11:18):
other people are going to feelthat big brick wall compared to.
I want to stay in connectionand I just have to do these few
things to keep myself safe, andI like to keep them as light and
thin as possible most of thetime.
Now there are going to be somereally toxic behaviors, some
really toxic relationships thatjust aren't working for us and
(11:42):
we can no longer have thosepeople around.
That's when I build the bigbrick wall.
Right, that's when I build thebig brick wall.
Or if there's some habit oraction that I'm doing that I am
like I have had enough, I'm notdoing that anymore.
Here's my big brick wall.
I can walk up to this wall andI can't get any further to do
(12:04):
that bad behavior again.
So those are the only instanceswhere I want you to have big,
thick walls.
Otherwise, when we're inrelationship with people, we
still want to be able to connectwith them, and if our walls are
too thick, we have a hard timedoing that.
So I want to talk about someexamples of boundaries that you
(12:25):
can set really good boundariesand then we're going to go over
the three questions that youwant to ask yourself in order to
have those boundaries beeffective for you and making
your own boundaries.
So let's get into it.
So I gave you four examples andwe're going to follow all of
these examples all the waythrough to really start pulling
(12:47):
them apart.
So there's boundaries that wehave for relationships, which is
what most people refer toboundaries.
I also create boundaries formyself when it comes to actions
and behaviors or new habits thatI want to make what I want to
do instead what's not workingfor me, right?
So boundaries are about what'snot working for me and how I
(13:09):
want it to work instead.
So the first one is it hurtsour relationship and my feelings
when we use name calling oraggressive tones when we
disagree.
So when that happens, I amgoing to walk away until we calm
down and can communicateeffectively.
Right, I'm telling you what I'mgonna do.
(13:32):
I don't even have to tell you.
I could just walk away.
Right, I could just be likewhoop, that's enough and walk
away.
But these are boundaries, clearboundaries as to why I'm making
them in, what I want instead.
The second one is a story Itell myself.
When you don't pitch in aroundthe house is that I'm expected
to take care of things aroundhere and my boundary is that
(13:56):
I'll do what's important to me.
Maybe I'll hire a maid, I mightjust leave some stuff undone,
right, like?
Those are options within my ownvalue system that I could do.
I don't want to go to the pointwhere I'm just like, oh, I'm
gonna use it as punishment.
Boundaries are not punishments,they are how I keep myself safe
(14:20):
.
Those are two different things,because I've heard people
before go well then, I'm justgoing to be passive, aggressive,
basically, and not clean yourhalf of the room or not do your
dishes, even though I'm doing mydishes right, and I mean we
could do that.
If that falls within yourvalues, that's great.
I still want all the dishesdone.
(14:41):
So I'm still gonna do all thedishes because that's what I
want, what feels good to me, andI don't like ants.
We get ants.
So I want us to make sure thatthe boundary is not about
punishing the other person.
The boundary is about keepingme safe.
This is what I'm gonna do forme.
(15:02):
A third one it's not helpful forme to tell myself negative
things all the time.
So I'm going to, when Irecognize it, I'm going to stop
the suffering spiral and thenegative self-talk tape that
keeps replaying in my head andI'm gonna refocus on my
intentions and kindness towardsmyself.
Right, that's a boundary for me.
(15:22):
Another boundary for me ismaybe I want to be more grounded
.
So when I find myself scrollingon my phone you know the death
scroll for longer than I believeis good.
I'm gonna shut it off or settime limits on my phone for
certain apps so that I can reador journal or something that's
(15:43):
going to serve me better.
Right, that's a boundary that Imake for myself.
So boundaries, again, are aboutwhat I'm gonna do for me, not
what I expect other people to dofor me.
That's a very childlikebehavior, and I want us to
notice the three different partshere of each one of these.
The first one was what I don'twant.
(16:03):
Here's the behavior, the thingthat I don't want.
This is the story I tell myself, the trigger, the emotion, how
I know that I need a boundaryhere.
Right, I'm getting angry, I'mfeeling shame, I have a lot of
fear, I'm discombobulated,frustrated, stressed.
(16:25):
How do I need a boundary forthat?
Right, that's what I don't want.
Is that story that I'm tellingmyself to come up?
And then we look at what is thecontributing behavior?
So the behavior is data.
I scroll my phone, name callingcomes up.
You're not pitching in.
(16:47):
You know there's stuff notgetting done in the house.
Those are all the contributingbehaviors.
They're just strictly data.
This is what anybody else couldsee or hear if they were
watching me in a video, right?
And the third part is what I'mgoing to do when it happens.
Here's the actions I'm going totake when I want this behavior
(17:11):
to change, when I have hit thatlevel of this does not work for
me.
Right?
Here's what I'm going to do, myempowered action.
So let's pull apart theseexamples.
Right, because I often hearpeople say you know, people
crossed my boundaries.
(17:31):
Again, it's not theirresponsibility not to cross our
boundaries.
It's our responsibility toprotect and enforce our
boundaries, which is usuallywhat we hate doing.
Right, like, I don't want to bea meanie, I just want you to
act the way that I want you toact, and I wouldn't have to
(17:53):
decide when it's time to walkaway or change my behavior or
make choices that I don't wantto make.
Right, because if you're notpitching in, I really just want
you to pitch in.
I don't want to have to hire amaid, I don't want to have to
decide what's important to me, Idon't want to have to do it all
.
Right, we might be going downthat path, but true empowerment
(18:14):
means that sometimes we havechoices we don't like, right,
sometimes we have choices wedon't like, and so, in order to
be empowered, it means makingchoices that fit best.
Right, they're not perfect, butthey fit best, and they're of
what we can control, becausethat's the important part of
(18:37):
empowerment is that I'm workingfrom what I actually control.
I'm not trying to control otherpeople.
So let's look at the threequestions and look at this a
little bit.
So what boundaries do we needto make?
Well, when you're looking at,you know, where am I missing
(19:01):
boundaries in my life?
It can be really hard becauseprobably we've never made
boundaries in that area of ourlife before.
So just a few things that youcan start looking at in order to
you know, tune into where youmight need boundaries.
We can look at our triggers,right, and by that I mean huge
(19:22):
emotional responses, notnecessarily a trauma response,
but huge emotional responses.
Where am I getting those hugeemotional responses?
And sadness or anger or shameor fear.
We can look into ournon-negotiables for
relationships.
If you don't have a list ofnon-negotiables for your
relationships, I highly suggestyou make them For me.
(19:44):
It's, you know again, noname-calling.
We're not going to raise ourvoice.
We're not going to disrespecteach other by bullying each
other or trying to be the best,just trying to communicate in a
good way.
Cheating may be somebody isnon-negotiable for their partner
(20:05):
relationship.
Right, lying might be anon-negotiable for a
relationship.
So once we know what it is, weabsolutely will not put up with.
Boundaries need to be made forsome people, because some people
will walk over those boundariesif they don't know that they're
there, and they might still tryto walk over those boundaries
(20:27):
even when they do know thatthey're there.
So it's still my job to makethose boundaries and enforce
them.
We can also look at ourbehaviors that aren't serving us
.
So what habits or behaviors orways of showing up aren't
serving me and how can I shiftthat?
Where is my power in thatsituation?
Because if it's my behaviors, Ihave power.
(20:48):
We can also look at the areasthat we want to change about
ourselves or how we interactwith relationships.
So how do I show up torelationships?
How do I want to shift that sothat it might be easier for me
to connect with people or moreeffective in having
communication, right, awesome.
(21:09):
So hopefully you can think ofone area where you might need
boundaries.
It might be getting sucked intosomebody else's drama.
It might be you creating toomuch drama for yourself.
Whatever that boundary is, Iwant you to start thinking about
it, because we're going to goover these three parts of a
boundary, and the first one thatwe want to look at is what is
(21:33):
the trigger or emotion or storythat you're telling yourself?
So again, with these examplesthat I already gave you is maybe
in the first one, I getconfused.
When they call me names, whenthey're in disagreement, my
feelings get hurt, communicationbreaks down, we get really
(21:53):
angry at each other.
Those are the triggers and thestories that I'm telling myself.
If you're calling me a name, Imight be telling myself I'm not
good enough, or you think I'mnot enough, or too much, or
whatever other old stories Ihave hiding around here.
So when you name call, I startfeeling belittled and that's not
(22:16):
the kind of relationship that Iwant to be in.
I get angry when I see thosedishes again, when I realize
that you haven't pitched inagain, and I'm getting angry
because here I am doing it allagain, telling myself that story
about how I have to doeverything.
Sure, we all have a story ortwo, maybe from the past that we
(22:39):
can relate to, where I'mexpected to do everything.
I get that angry feeling withinme.
In the third example, I feelshame when I start telling
myself constant negative storiesand thoughts.
That doesn't feel good, thatdoesn't feel like it's
motivating me or inspiring me todo better, to heal, to change
(23:02):
my habits, and so that could bemy trigger.
For the last one, I feelanxious and I want to have more
calm.
That could be simply it, and soI need to make boundaries for
myself around how I believe Icould reach more calm.
So what is the trigger?
(23:24):
Or the emotion or the storythat's happening that we don't
like, because that's usuallywhat's happening is, I'm telling
myself a story about the waythat you're calling me names and
what that means in ourrelationship.
So the trigger, the emotion,the story that you tell yourself
about it.
The second part is what's thedata that's contributing to
(23:47):
these situations?
What's the actual actions that?
I know that when this actionhappens, a boundary is needed,
right.
That's why I'm planning itahead of time, so that I can see
this action actuallycontributes to that feeling,
that trigger, that emotion, thatstory that I'm telling myself.
(24:09):
But it's when I notice thisdata point that I'm just like
human or fearful, or whateverthe reaction is.
So the data that's contributingto these situations.
Let's go over the examples thatwe have.
In the first example, it's namecalling, raised voice,
aggressive language, right whenthose things start happening, I
(24:32):
know that this is boundary timeWork going undone.
Or I feel like, once again, I'mdoing all of the housework for
us and I'm feeling triggeredagain that nothing's done.
But what I do right, that's theactual data is that this thing
hasn't been done.
(24:52):
Staying stuck in that negativeself-talks cycle right, we can
do that and sometimes we evennotice it.
But we in that negativeself-talk cycle, we probably
don't have the wherewithal tomake a boundary.
So making it ahead of timeright, that's what's so
important.
That's why we're creatingboundaries, not in the moment
(25:13):
that it's happening, but whenwe're really clear headed and
we're not having that trigger asmuch.
So staying stuck in thatnegative self-talk cycle when I
say key phrases, right, there'sa few core wound messages that I
know come up for me and I'mlike, oh, I'm in that suffering
spiral again.
(25:33):
This is the time I need aboundary, right.
And in the last one, it'swasting time on my phone when I
realized that I'm scrolling andscrolling and scrolling and what
am I getting out of it?
Really nothing.
I'm not getting any newinformation.
I'm just kind of numbing out mybrain to all the stuff that
happens in the world and that'snot really bringing me the calm
(25:55):
and the peace that I crave.
It's actually creating a lotmore anxiety, right?
So what is the data?
What is the trigger?
Are the two that we've goneover?
And then the last one is whatis it that I actually want in
this situation?
Not just what I don't want,because we already know that I
don't want to be on my phone, Idon't want name calling to
(26:16):
happen, all of those things butwhat is it?
What is the option I have inthat moment to prepare myself so
that I can stop the behaviorand change to something else?
Right, shift the way that thisis going, so that we don't have
the same cycle over and overagain.
(26:36):
So, in our examples, one of themis I want to have clear
communication that staysproductive and effective, rather
than attacking each other.
I want to help or let go of thechores that I don't care about,
or hire or amade or whateverthat other solution to getting
help around the house is.
I want to tell myself about mygifts and my magic.
(26:59):
I want to create a truerpicture of who I am when I'm in
that negative self-talk phase.
Right, I want to see the bigpicture, not just the 3 or 4%
that I'm really focused on.
That just seems really terribleand makes me feel really
terrible, so that I can havecompassion for my humaneness.
(27:21):
And the last one was I justwant to feel calm, grounded,
energy, right, that's.
I want to let go of the anxiety, let go of scrolling on my
phone, which only increases thatanxiety, and step into more
calm and grounded.
Right, so it might be that theactual action might be I'm going
to stop, like I said in theoriginal example, and go journal
(27:44):
or go read or go do somethingelse.
That is a little bit moreeffective than just scrolling on
my phone, right?
And these are like bigarguments that couples have and
they might feel like little,small things that I do for
myself, but that's okay.
Like boundaries can start smalland we can grow that wall as
(28:06):
thick or thin as we like them tobe.
Boundaries are about us havingbig girl empowerment pants to
make choices for ourselves.
Even in those spaces where wefeel powerless, we still have
the power to make a boundary.
It's a huge part of empowermentand we're not always going to
(28:27):
like our options.
Of course.
It would be a better world foreach one of us if the rest of
the world would just show up theway that we expect them to or
want them to, and thecircumstances all work out.
But that's not really our lives.
So we want to really look atwhere is my power, without
(28:51):
controlling other people,without trying to control how
they show up or howcircumstances show up.
Where is my power in thissituation?
And I promise you thatboundaries are going to help you
really control your energy.
It's going to help you be lessfrustrated, less exhausted and
(29:11):
feeling really confident thatyou can make really good choices
for yourself.
We just have to enforce thoseboundaries.
As much as we may not like them, it's really important.
If you need help creating aboundary for yourself, whether
that's with a relationshipwithin yourself, or you're
curious about how boundaries canshift relationships I'd love
(29:35):
you to reach out and let's havea chat real quick and let's talk
about how you can feel moreempowered in your life.
I look forward to seeing youagain next week.
Thanks, shifters, for tuning in.
Welcome back shifters .
I am here to talk aboutboundaries, and why are
boundaries so important?
Because they're essential toempowerment.
My definition of empowerment iswhen we start trusting
ourselves, when we can pullourselves out of that small
(00:20):
childlike energy that we getinto when we're wounded or
uncomfortable, and be able toreally be able to make choices
that are good for the whole ofus, not just that wounded little
part of ourselves.
And so boundaries are how myclients have learned to get less
(00:41):
triggered, less stuck in otherpeople's drama, less stuck in
their own drama, which meansthat they are less exhausted in
life.
If you're exhausted of drama,boundaries are something that
you need for yourself.
It's also a way where theystart getting in touch with
their own inner wisdom andthings start triggering them so
(01:03):
much less.
I could tell you story afterstory about women who have put
boundaries in place and now theyfeel more confident and joyful
in their midlife, which is whatwe want here at the Inviting
Shif podcast, right?
So I know personally that Ineed boundaries when I'm feeling
(01:23):
really angry at someone, when Iam wanting to blame or shame
others or myself.
I could be getting angry atmyself.
I'm feeling powerless.
That's the perfect time for meto start looking at where my
boundaries are.
When I want to get to the pointwhere I'm like other people
(01:44):
that that person is making mefeel, I know that I'm in a
disempowered place and Iprobably need to make some
boundaries for myself andoverall, when I'm triggered or
uncomfortable, it doesn't meanthat there's necessarily a
boundary being crossed justbecause I'm uncomfortable.
But it might be a time that Ireally want to look at where is
(02:07):
my power in the situation?
Right?
And it all comes back to thatserenity prayer, which is what
can I control?
What can I control and how canI know the difference right?
What do I need to accept when Ican't control it?
And where is my power?
That's what that serenityprayer always reminds me of is
where is my power in acceptanceand action and wisdom, what is
(02:31):
going on?
And that all relates toboundaries and, believe me, if
you're like me, I hate makingboundaries.
I mean, wouldn't the wholeworld be easier if everybody
would act just the way that Iwanted them to and things would
just turn out the way that Iwant them to, so that I don't
(02:51):
have to make boundaries right?
And that's really a childlikeenergy, such a childlike energy
that we bring with it, becauseit's that powerless child.
Remember being a child, youdidn't get to choose when you
went to bed, you didn't get tochoose what you ate.
Everything was done for you butyou didn't have a lot of power.
(03:13):
And so when we're in thatwounded child of being
uncomfortable or triggered orreally emotional, that is a
place of disempowerment.
Often there's a lot of gifts tothat child archetype, but power
is not one of them, and so Iwant to show up the way that I
(03:35):
want to show up in life.
I don't want to show up in thatwounded child.
That is not my dream.
My dream is to feel like I havesome control, or say, over my
life.
And if we're talking about that, that means in order to release
that wounded child, we need amore grown-up archetype within
(03:57):
ourselves to take over and say,okay, here's where my power is
and here's where it isn't.
So the child energy in us, wewant things to turn out the way
that we want them, and any otherway can feel too much
overwhelming right when thingsdon't turn out.
(04:18):
So we're gonna let out ourtears about having to make a
boundary.
Remember, I don't like makingthem either and I make them all
the time because I need them inorder to feel more empowered in
my life.
So I just wanna go over.
It's not real to believe thateverybody's gonna show up the
(04:39):
way that I want them to orcircumstances are gonna show up
the way that I want them to.
I know in our adult brains weknow this, but when we are
triggered, when we're feelingexhausted, hungry, angry, lonely
, tired, sick, we automaticallygo back to this wounded child
energy.
And that wounded child doesn'treally wanna solve anything, it
(05:02):
just wants things to work out.
But as functioning and thrivingadults, we realize that there's
so many people and so many waysof seeing things.
Something that brings you joymight just bring me pain, and so
it's just the way that weinterpret them from our past
(05:23):
experiences, the stories that wetell ourselves about ourselves.
Right, that's where all of ouremotional triggers come from,
and so if we can start makingboundaries so that we stop
running into these things overand over again or protect
ourselves from the places wherewe feel unsafe, then we have
(05:45):
power.
That is our power.
Our power is not to controlother people or how they see it,
or convince them to see it ourway, because a lot of that
doesn't work.
We'd be more at peace if we seemore of ourselves, if we can
really get to know ourselves andwhat it is that we need and we
(06:06):
want, and that is exactly whatboundaries are for.
Boundaries are not for otherpeople's, rules for other people
, and I think often we thinkthat that boundaries are rules
for other people, but they'renot.
Boundaries are really rules forourselves.
What we control, which is us,how we show up, how we act, what
(06:29):
we say those are the thingsthat we control, and so
boundaries are about us, andonce we have the knowledge, once
we go through the process ofsetting a boundary for ourselves
, we learn a lot more aboutourselves.
And when we learn more aboutourselves, we not only see more
(06:52):
of our gifts and magic, but wealso can see a lot of spaces
that we need compassion for, thethings that maybe we don't like
about ourselves or the thingsthat we do, the humaneness in us
, the triggers that we have, theemotions and we often see this
in other people and havejudgments about it, but
sometimes we don't see themwithin ourselves and if we do,
(07:16):
we probably have judgments aboutourselves.
So boundaries are a way of us toget to know what it is that we
like and we don't like, and whyis this part of my trigger
pattern?
Is this part of my experience?
And could it be another way?
Right, so we can start gettingmore curious rather than
judgmental?
I'm just being curious about myhumaneness.
(07:38):
I know I'm not perfect.
I know other people aren'tgoing to be perfect and so, with
that knowledge, where is mypower in keeping myself safe and
keeping myself in a space thatstays focused on my intentions?
So I just wanna go over onereally quick thing about.
(08:00):
We can often say that boundariesare.
They crossed my boundaries, andthat might be true.
We're gonna talk about that ina minute.
But when we are creatingboundaries for our relationships
with other people, I want us toremember that the boundary is
about ourselves.
This boundary is gonna workwhether or not that person
(08:22):
cooperates or not, whether ornot that person wants to and
just can't cooperate or not.
Right, like boundaries areabout what I'm going to do.
We make requests of other people.
Perhaps you know I don't wantname-calling in our
disagreements.
That's a request we might make,but the boundary would be if I
(08:47):
start hearing name-calling inour arguments, I'm going to
remove myself.
The other person is notresponsible for anything.
We could, again, we might haveasked them not to name call, and
maybe it came up again when wedisagreed.
But the boundary, that's arequest.
The boundary is that I am notgoing to keep myself in a space
(09:10):
that I think is unsafe or is notgoing to contribute to our
relationship in a way that Iwant it to Right, that's my
boundary, that's what'snecessary.
They're about what I'm going todo.
Another person's behavior,though, will have to change if
we create that boundary.
Right, what happens when I walkaway?
(09:31):
Because you start name callingCan't continue that argument.
We can't get louder and moreaggressive, right, because I am
walking away, you'll be doingall that stuff by yourself.
So often people think, oh well,my friend or my spouse or my
family member won't go totherapy with me, so nothing can
(09:52):
change.
You can still get what you wantout of the relationship, and
that other person will have tochange their response.
You still may not like it, itstill may not be what you want,
but in the meantime, you'rekeeping yourself safe and you're
keeping to your own values andwhat's important to you.
(10:13):
So, again, boundaries are whatI'm going to do if I get into a
situation I don't want ordoesn't serve me.
It's like deciding what kind ofwall I need around me, and
there's lots of different typesof wall.
Right, we can build a six footbrick wall that's three feet
wide.
Right, if we really just wantto cut that other person off or
(10:36):
cut off that behavior that we'redoing, you know, to ourselves.
And we can also make them asthin and transparent as possible
.
I try to see myself like with agreenhouse around me, that I
can still connect and see thatother person, but that I've kept
(10:56):
this very light boundary aroundme so that I can stay in
connection and still keep my ownsafety.
Boundaries don't even need tobe expressed to the other person
.
However, if we've built thatbig, thick brick wall, other
people will feel it Right, ifit's around a relationship,
(11:18):
other people are going to feelthat big brick wall compared to.
I want to stay in connectionand I just have to do these few
things to keep myself safe, andI like to keep them as light and
thin as possible most of thetime.
Now there are going to be somereally toxic behaviors, some
really toxic relationships thatjust aren't working for us and
(11:42):
we can no longer have thosepeople around.
That's when I build the bigbrick wall.
Right, that's when I build thebig brick wall.
Or if there's some habit oraction that I'm doing that I am
like I have had enough, I'm notdoing that anymore.
Here's my big brick wall.
I can walk up to this wall andI can't get any further to do
(12:04):
that bad behavior again.
So those are the only instanceswhere I want you to have big,
thick walls.
Otherwise, when we're inrelationship with people, we
still want to be able to connectwith them, and if our walls are
too thick, we have a hard timedoing that.
So I want to talk about someexamples of boundaries that you
(12:25):
can set really good boundariesand then we're going to go over
the three questions that youwant to ask yourself in order to
have those boundaries beeffective for you and making
your own boundaries.
So let's get into it.
So I gave you four examples andwe're going to follow all of
these examples all the waythrough to really start pulling
(12:47):
them apart.
So there's boundaries that wehave for relationships, which is
what most people refer toboundaries.
I also create boundaries formyself when it comes to actions
and behaviors or new habits thatI want to make what I want to
do instead what's not workingfor me, right?
So boundaries are about what'snot working for me and how I
(13:09):
want it to work instead.
So the first one is it hurtsour relationship and my feelings
when we use name calling oraggressive tones when we
disagree.
So when that happens, I amgoing to walk away until we calm
down and can communicateeffectively.
Right, I'm telling you what I'mgonna do.
(13:32):
I don't even have to tell you.
I could just walk away.
Right, I could just be likewhoop, that's enough and walk
away.
But these are boundaries, clearboundaries as to why I'm making
them in, what I want instead.
The second one is a story Itell myself.
When you don't pitch in aroundthe house is that I'm expected
to take care of things aroundhere and my boundary is that
(13:56):
I'll do what's important to me.
Maybe I'll hire a maid, I mightjust leave some stuff undone,
right, like?
Those are options within my ownvalue system that I could do.
I don't want to go to the pointwhere I'm just like, oh, I'm
gonna use it as punishment.
Boundaries are not punishments,they are how I keep myself safe
(14:20):
.
Those are two different things,because I've heard people
before go well then, I'm justgoing to be passive, aggressive,
basically, and not clean yourhalf of the room or not do your
dishes, even though I'm doing mydishes right, and I mean we
could do that.
If that falls within yourvalues, that's great.
I still want all the dishesdone.
(14:41):
So I'm still gonna do all thedishes because that's what I
want, what feels good to me, andI don't like ants.
We get ants.
So I want us to make sure thatthe boundary is not about
punishing the other person.
The boundary is about keepingme safe.
This is what I'm gonna do forme.
(15:02):
A third one it's not helpful forme to tell myself negative
things all the time.
So I'm going to, when Irecognize it, I'm going to stop
the suffering spiral and thenegative self-talk tape that
keeps replaying in my head andI'm gonna refocus on my
intentions and kindness towardsmyself.
Right, that's a boundary for me.
(15:22):
Another boundary for me ismaybe I want to be more grounded
.
So when I find myself scrollingon my phone you know the death
scroll for longer than I believeis good.
I'm gonna shut it off or settime limits on my phone for
certain apps so that I can reador journal or something that's
(15:43):
going to serve me better.
Right, that's a boundary that Imake for myself.
So boundaries, again, are aboutwhat I'm gonna do for me, not
what I expect other people to dofor me.
That's a very childlikebehavior, and I want us to
notice the three different partshere of each one of these.
The first one was what I don'twant.
(16:03):
Here's the behavior, the thingthat I don't want.
This is the story I tell myself, the trigger, the emotion, how
I know that I need a boundaryhere.
Right, I'm getting angry, I'mfeeling shame, I have a lot of
fear, I'm discombobulated,frustrated, stressed.
(16:25):
How do I need a boundary forthat?
Right, that's what I don't want.
Is that story that I'm tellingmyself to come up?
And then we look at what is thecontributing behavior?
So the behavior is data.
I scroll my phone, name callingcomes up.
You're not pitching in.
(16:47):
You know there's stuff notgetting done in the house.
Those are all the contributingbehaviors.
They're just strictly data.
This is what anybody else couldsee or hear if they were
watching me in a video, right?
And the third part is what I'mgoing to do when it happens.
Here's the actions I'm going totake when I want this behavior
(17:11):
to change, when I have hit thatlevel of this does not work for
me.
Right?
Here's what I'm going to do, myempowered action.
So let's pull apart theseexamples.
Right, because I often hearpeople say you know, people
crossed my boundaries.
(17:31):
Again, it's not theirresponsibility not to cross our
boundaries.
It's our responsibility toprotect and enforce our
boundaries, which is usuallywhat we hate doing.
Right, like, I don't want to bea meanie, I just want you to
act the way that I want you toact, and I wouldn't have to
(17:53):
decide when it's time to walkaway or change my behavior or
make choices that I don't wantto make.
Right, because if you're notpitching in, I really just want
you to pitch in.
I don't want to have to hire amaid, I don't want to have to
decide what's important to me, Idon't want to have to do it all
.
Right, we might be going downthat path, but true empowerment
(18:14):
means that sometimes we havechoices we don't like, right,
sometimes we have choices wedon't like, and so, in order to
be empowered, it means makingchoices that fit best.
Right, they're not perfect, butthey fit best, and they're of
what we can control, becausethat's the important part of
(18:37):
empowerment is that I'm workingfrom what I actually control.
I'm not trying to control otherpeople.
So let's look at the threequestions and look at this a
little bit.
So what boundaries do we needto make?
Well, when you're looking at,you know, where am I missing
(19:01):
boundaries in my life?
It can be really hard becauseprobably we've never made
boundaries in that area of ourlife before.
So just a few things that youcan start looking at in order to
you know, tune into where youmight need boundaries.
We can look at our triggers,right, and by that I mean huge
(19:22):
emotional responses, notnecessarily a trauma response,
but huge emotional responses.
Where am I getting those hugeemotional responses?
And sadness or anger or shameor fear.
We can look into ournon-negotiables for
relationships.
If you don't have a list ofnon-negotiables for your
relationships, I highly suggestyou make them For me.
(19:44):
It's, you know again, noname-calling.
We're not going to raise ourvoice.
We're not going to disrespecteach other by bullying each
other or trying to be the best,just trying to communicate in a
good way.
Cheating may be somebody isnon-negotiable for their partner
(20:05):
relationship.
Right, lying might be anon-negotiable for a
relationship.
So once we know what it is, weabsolutely will not put up with.
Boundaries need to be made forsome people, because some people
will walk over those boundariesif they don't know that they're
there, and they might still tryto walk over those boundaries
(20:27):
even when they do know thatthey're there.
So it's still my job to makethose boundaries and enforce
them.
We can also look at ourbehaviors that aren't serving us
.
So what habits or behaviors orways of showing up aren't
serving me and how can I shiftthat?
Where is my power in thatsituation?
Because if it's my behaviors, Ihave power.
(20:48):
We can also look at the areasthat we want to change about
ourselves or how we interactwith relationships.
So how do I show up torelationships?
How do I want to shift that sothat it might be easier for me
to connect with people or moreeffective in having
communication, right, awesome.
(21:09):
So hopefully you can think ofone area where you might need
boundaries.
It might be getting sucked intosomebody else's drama.
It might be you creating toomuch drama for yourself.
Whatever that boundary is, Iwant you to start thinking about
it, because we're going to goover these three parts of a
boundary, and the first one thatwe want to look at is what is
(21:33):
the trigger or emotion or storythat you're telling yourself?
So again, with these examplesthat I already gave you is maybe
in the first one, I getconfused.
When they call me names, whenthey're in disagreement, my
feelings get hurt, communicationbreaks down, we get really
(21:53):
angry at each other.
Those are the triggers and thestories that I'm telling myself.
If you're calling me a name, Imight be telling myself I'm not
good enough, or you think I'mnot enough, or too much, or
whatever other old stories Ihave hiding around here.
So when you name call, I startfeeling belittled and that's not
(22:16):
the kind of relationship that Iwant to be in.
I get angry when I see thosedishes again, when I realize
that you haven't pitched inagain, and I'm getting angry
because here I am doing it allagain, telling myself that story
about how I have to doeverything.
Sure, we all have a story ortwo, maybe from the past that we
(22:39):
can relate to, where I'mexpected to do everything.
I get that angry feeling withinme.
In the third example, I feelshame when I start telling
myself constant negative storiesand thoughts.
That doesn't feel good, thatdoesn't feel like it's
motivating me or inspiring me todo better, to heal, to change
(23:02):
my habits, and so that could bemy trigger.
For the last one, I feelanxious and I want to have more
calm.
That could be simply it, and soI need to make boundaries for
myself around how I believe Icould reach more calm.
So what is the trigger?
(23:24):
Or the emotion or the storythat's happening that we don't
like, because that's usuallywhat's happening is, I'm telling
myself a story about the waythat you're calling me names and
what that means in ourrelationship.
So the trigger, the emotion,the story that you tell yourself
about it.
The second part is what's thedata that's contributing to
(23:47):
these situations?
What's the actual actions that?
I know that when this actionhappens, a boundary is needed,
right.
That's why I'm planning itahead of time, so that I can see
this action actuallycontributes to that feeling,
that trigger, that emotion, thatstory that I'm telling myself.
(24:09):
But it's when I notice thisdata point that I'm just like
human or fearful, or whateverthe reaction is.
So the data that's contributingto these situations.
Let's go over the examples thatwe have.
In the first example, it's namecalling, raised voice,
aggressive language, right whenthose things start happening, I
(24:32):
know that this is boundary timeWork going undone.
Or I feel like, once again, I'mdoing all of the housework for
us and I'm feeling triggeredagain that nothing's done.
But what I do right, that's theactual data is that this thing
hasn't been done.
(24:52):
Staying stuck in that negativeself-talks cycle right, we can
do that and sometimes we evennotice it.
But we in that negativeself-talk cycle, we probably
don't have the wherewithal tomake a boundary.
So making it ahead of timeright, that's what's so
important.
That's why we're creatingboundaries, not in the moment
(25:13):
that it's happening, but whenwe're really clear headed and
we're not having that trigger asmuch.
So staying stuck in thatnegative self-talk cycle when I
say key phrases, right, there'sa few core wound messages that I
know come up for me and I'mlike, oh, I'm in that suffering
spiral again.
(25:33):
This is the time I need aboundary, right.
And in the last one, it'swasting time on my phone when I
realized that I'm scrolling andscrolling and scrolling and what
am I getting out of it?
Really nothing.
I'm not getting any newinformation.
I'm just kind of numbing out mybrain to all the stuff that
happens in the world and that'snot really bringing me the calm
(25:55):
and the peace that I crave.
It's actually creating a lotmore anxiety, right?
So what is the data?
What is the trigger?
Are the two that we've goneover?
And then the last one is whatis it that I actually want in
this situation?
Not just what I don't want,because we already know that I
don't want to be on my phone, Idon't want name calling to
(26:16):
happen, all of those things butwhat is it?
What is the option I have inthat moment to prepare myself so
that I can stop the behaviorand change to something else?
Right, shift the way that thisis going, so that we don't have
the same cycle over and overagain.
(26:36):
So, in our examples, one of themis I want to have clear
communication that staysproductive and effective, rather
than attacking each other.
I want to help or let go of thechores that I don't care about,
or hire or amade or whateverthat other solution to getting
help around the house is.
I want to tell myself about mygifts and my magic.
(26:59):
I want to create a truerpicture of who I am when I'm in
that negative self-talk phase.
Right, I want to see the bigpicture, not just the 3 or 4%
that I'm really focused on.
That just seems really terribleand makes me feel really
terrible, so that I can havecompassion for my humaneness.
(27:21):
And the last one was I justwant to feel calm, grounded,
energy, right, that's.
I want to let go of the anxiety, let go of scrolling on my
phone, which only increases thatanxiety, and step into more
calm and grounded.
Right, so it might be that theactual action might be I'm going
to stop, like I said in theoriginal example, and go journal
(27:44):
or go read or go do somethingelse.
That is a little bit moreeffective than just scrolling on
my phone, right?
And these are like bigarguments that couples have and
they might feel like little,small things that I do for
myself, but that's okay.
Like boundaries can start smalland we can grow that wall as
(28:06):
thick or thin as we like them tobe.
Boundaries are about us havingbig girl empowerment pants to
make choices for ourselves.
Even in those spaces where wefeel powerless, we still have
the power to make a boundary.
It's a huge part of empowermentand we're not always going to
(28:27):
like our options.
Of course.
It would be a better world foreach one of us if the rest of
the world would just show up theway that we expect them to or
want them to, and thecircumstances all work out.
But that's not really our lives.
So we want to really look atwhere is my power, without
(28:51):
controlling other people,without trying to control how
they show up or howcircumstances show up.
Where is my power in thissituation?
And I promise you thatboundaries are going to help you
really control your energy.
It's going to help you be lessfrustrated, less exhausted and
(29:11):
feeling really confident thatyou can make really good choices
for yourself.
We just have to enforce thoseboundaries.
As much as we may not like them, it's really important.
If you need help creating aboundary for yourself, whether
that's with a relationshipwithin yourself, or you're
curious about how boundaries canshift relationships I'd love
(29:35):
you to reach out and let's havea chat real quick and let's talk
about how you can feel moreempowered in your life.
I look forward to seeing youagain next week.
Thanks, shifters, for tuning in.
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.