September 19, 2023 • 30 mins
Have you ever been so consumed with fear at the thought of a difficult conversation that you chose to avoid it altogether? This episode is going to change that. We're embarking on a journey to unravel the complexity of mastering hard conversations, and how this can become a springboard for personal growth and relationship building. We'll share our insights on preparing for these dialogues, and how to discern when it's your emotional baggage rather than the other person's at play.
Our exploration doesn't stop there! We delve deeper into the art of effective communication in relationships, helping you comprehend how to stay vulnerable yet focused during heated discussions. We'll also shed light on distinguishing between everyday triggers and real abusive behavior. With us, you'll learn to set clear intentions, maintain vulnerability, and courageously brave through tough conversations. Remember, while we can't dictate the outcome of a conversation, we certainly can control how we show up. Join us in this insightful journey to create profound, more meaningful relationships through brave conversations.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, today's episode is all about having hard
conversations.
So I know that a lot of us areworking on boundaries, and when
we work on boundaries, thatusually means that we have to
step up and have hardconversations with other people.
And this is so importantbecause this is a day and age
where every time we run into abump, we can tend to give up
(00:25):
friends, give up relationships,because it just seems too hard.
But what I want you tounderstand about conflict in
relationships, or you gettingtriggered in relationships, is
one it's really deeper growthfor ourselves if we look at it
that way, because it comes witha lot of clarity, having these
(00:45):
hard conversations.
And so when we go through that,you're going to see how, even
if you never had that hardconversation, you might learn a
lot more about yourself and whatit is that you want.
And the second thing is, Itruly believe that conflict in
relationships are opportunitiesfor deeper connection.
For deeper connection becausewhen we connect to, when we
(01:10):
actually sit through that hardbump in our relationship
together, when we can work thatthrough, we build a lot more
trust.
We know that we can say thingsto other people.
We do it in a way in whichthese people are going to feel
loved, no matter what.
So hard conversations can be sovulnerable.
(01:31):
They feel very, very scary, andyet they don't have to be.
So today, in this episode,we're going to walk through all
of the things that you need toprepare and how to have these
conversations in a way that canfeel really good.
A lot of my clients go throughthis.
A lot of my coaching is reallyabout how to speak your truth in
(01:53):
a way in which other people areopen, more open to hearing you.
Right, because that's the thingthat we've read about a hard
conversation is that we're noteven going to be heard.
We're going to be in thatconversation and the other
person's not really going to behearing us.
We're not going to be hearingthe other person because we're
both thinking about what we'regoing to say next and it gets
(02:13):
defensive, it gets stuck in theego.
That's not where we want to be.
We want to be more in our heartspace, and heart space means
really getting clear withinourselves what it is that we
want and how we're going toapproach.
We're going to approach thesituation, and these hard
conversations can be anything.
It could be bringing somethingup in your marriage that you
(02:36):
never brought up before Askingfor something that you want,
asking for something that youdon't want, or asking not to
have this thing happen, whateverit is.
It could also be like thisthing you did triggered me and
it really has nothing to do withyou, and that's what I want us
to look at.
I have a whole workshop I do,sometimes called Whose Problem
(03:00):
Is it, and usually in conflict.
We can both own our own stuff,and so I'm going to take just a
two minute diatribe on this.
People always ask me how do Iknow whose problem is?
Do they need to change?
Do they need to do somethingdifferent or do I?
And then I ask them well, whohas the emotional problem around
it?
(03:20):
Well, me, I'm getting reallyangry that my husband or my
friend does X, y and Z.
Well then you're the one withthe problem.
You're the one who gets tochange that.
And usually what's happeningwhen we get triggered?
I know we want to blame that onother people, but really our
triggers are our work, and whatthat means is that my triggers
(03:44):
usually are my experience, mypast history, the way that I
learned things, the way I wasraised right All of the ways
that inform my perspective.
That is what is hurting me.
If I was in my higher self,which is an archetype we were
(04:04):
talking about in the modernmidlife mentorship not an
archetype, but part of thearchetypes the higher self is if
all of our archetypes were inalignment and we didn't have the
humanness of ego and emotion,then we would show up in this
higher self and that higher self.
The only reason we gettriggered is because we're
(04:25):
telling ourselves a story aboutwhat is happening or what is
said or what that person isdoing.
We're telling ourselves a storyabout how it's about us, and I
know that we all do this.
So all of that to say, what Ineed us to do is understand that
we contribute to the problem.
(04:48):
Okay, this isn't about shamingvictims or anything, but we
usually, with a lack ofboundaries, contribute to the
situation in some way.
My first marriage I could blameit all on him.
I could say that there werethings that he did that were
absolutely you can't do that,and maybe I didn't do any of
(05:12):
those things, but at the sametime, I contributed to it by the
way that I was treating him, bythe way that I was showing up.
So I'm not responsible for hisactions, but I contributed to
the downfall of our marriage.
So I want us to recognize thatwe can contribute, even if we
(05:34):
think we're in the right.
So this is very importantbecause, without being able to
own our pardonant or ourperception of it, right, like,
oh wow, I was really triggered,but that's because it's this
thing my mom used to do, right,or this teacher did, or I was
shamed and so it brought up allthose old stories that's mine to
(05:55):
own.
All those old stories are mine.
Probably this person wasn'teven around when those stories
happened, so I get to own that.
Yes, I go in into this triggeror I go into this emotion when I
start telling myself storiesabout these things that you're
doing.
Okay, little diatribe onownership.
(06:15):
We can talk more about it ifyou want to reach out, and I'll
probably do a session onownership alone because it's
such an important piece.
But we had to discuss that sothat we can prepare properly to
have these hard conversations.
So, if you're having conflictin one of your relationships or
maybe it's not really a conflictwith them, but you have like
(06:37):
this internal conflict that youwant to share with them here's
how I want you to approach itFirst.
There's homework to do ahead oftime, right?
So the first thing that I wantyou to think about is what is
your intention for thisconversation?
(06:59):
And it's not like to tell themthey're wrong, to tell them I'm
right.
Right, that's not what this isabout.
What we want to do is seeourselves on the same side as
that person when we're inconflict.
I know we can see that otherperson as on the other side of
this conflict, but that is notgoing to help us have the
(07:20):
conversation that we really wantto have.
So what we have to do is seeourselves on the same side, on
the same side.
So we are on the same side andwe.
What's on the other side is theproblem, right, the conflict
that we're having, and we wantto get through this conflict so
(07:41):
that we can be in connection.
So that might be your intention.
I want us to have deeperconnection, and there's this
thing that's in the middle,right, this conflict.
That's kind of bothering me, mytrigger, my experience, what I
heard you say.
So what we want to do is focuson the intention, and we're
(08:03):
going to use this in ourconversation.
So we want it to be coming froma loving place, because I'm
assuming if you're going to havea hard conversation, it's
because you want to be inconnection with this other
person.
So, if you can't think ofanother intention, the fact that
I want us to have deeperconnection is an important
intention, and then we want tolook at what is it that we want.
(08:26):
So, if this other person doessomething or says something that
keeps triggering me, then whatdo I want from that?
Right, often we go to well, Iwant to feel loved, or I want to
feel important, or well, thatother person can't make us feel
anyway.
Right, we have to decide.
(08:46):
What is it that they could dothat I would feel better about?
Now, keep in mind, we can askfor whatever we want.
Doesn't mean that we'll get it,but it will give us more
information about ourrelationship with this other
person.
So what is it that I actuallywant?
What does it look like?
(09:06):
This thing that I want, and itmight be.
You joke too much and it oftenhurts my feelings.
I really wish you wouldn't jokeas seriously.
Right, and this isn't havingthe conversation.
This is just us getting clarity.
I highly recommend that youjournal about this a few days in
a row to go deeper and deeperinto what is it that you
(09:30):
actually want, what is it thatyou're craving or missing, so
that you can be really, reallyclear about what it looks like.
The other thing that I want youto think about is your intention
for showing up, and if you'reone of my coaching clients, you
have intentions for your life,that kind of guide, all of your
(09:50):
choices.
We go over them every week, wecheck in around them to make
sure that we're living inalignment with what we say we
actually want.
So if you have those intentionsthat's what this is how do you
want to show up?
So, if I want to feel loved,connected and cared about, well,
(10:11):
then I have to show up withlove, connection and care in my
heart.
Right, that's how I'm going toshow up.
So when we have this focus ofhow I'm going to show up, then I
know that I'm going to approachthis conversation in a good way
.
I'm not going to come from myego, start getting defensive,
right, as long as I have thisone space to really focus on the
(10:33):
intention for us and theintention for how I show up.
So, again, let me go over thosethree bits, because they're
very important pieces to journalor do homework about ahead of
this conversation, because ifnot, you're going into a
conversation not knowing whatyou want out of it, not prepared
(10:54):
to show up the way that youwant right.
You're going to show up in fearinstead.
If we don't set an intention,we end up showing up in fear,
and the way that we react infear is not often at least in my
experience for me, not oftenthe way that I want to.
Here's some other things that Ireally want you to think about
(11:16):
while you're approaching this.
One is HALTS they use this inAA and a hungry, angry, lonely,
tired, sick.
You can add a PMS or any othertype of discomfort that we're
having when we approachconversations.
When we are in emotional,physical or mental discomfort,
(11:42):
we don't get the results that wewant, and that's because we're
not approaching it in a good way.
We're in this altereddiscomfort state of mind, which
means that we could be in fiercewarrior, we could be in wounded
child.
We are going to be in a spacethat is not the space for us to
ask for what we want.
So we want to take care of asmuch of that discomfort as
(12:05):
possible until we can hold spacefor it.
So it might be that, even if Ihave a long-term illness and I'm
often sick I want to wait untilI feel the healthiest, until at
least, I am really clear withinmyself that I can hold that
discomfort while having thisconversation in the loving,
intimate way that I want to.
(12:27):
I already talked about seeingourselves on the same side so
important to see yourselfconnected with this person on a
team.
You are on the same team andyou are working against this
outside problem, this conflictthat you're having.
Even if it has to do withactions or words that that other
person's doing, that's nothingto do with it.
(12:49):
It's really about you.
This is about you.
I know I just said that, butreally, truly, this is about you
.
So many times we go into theseconversations and we're like
well, you said and you did, andyou, you, you, you, you.
That automatically puts theother person into defense.
So what we want to think aboutis what is this about for me?
(13:13):
Wow, she said something reallyharsh to me and what is that
about?
Wow, I feel, I judge, I believeright, it's all about what I do
.
I, when I am spoken to that way, I go into this wounded child
part of me that thinks that I'vedone something wrong, and then
(13:35):
I want to get defensive becauseI don't think that I'm being
wrong and so I own that.
That is my experience.
That is how I show up sometimeswhen I'm not conscious and
intentional right.
So we can own what it is thatwe here's how I contributed to
this right, here's how Icontributed to this conflict was
(13:57):
that I brought my ownperception, my own experience in
.
I wasn't really seeing it fromyour side and I feel I believe I
judge this is about me.
This discomfort that I amfeeling is about me.
I need, I need boundaries, Ineed you to hear me.
Whatever that is right, it's I,I, I, I, because no one makes
(14:24):
you anything.
I want us to remember that.
I hear this so often and hemakes me mad.
He doesn't make you mad.
He does this thing and youinterpret it in your stories as
something that angers you,something that offends you or
crosses your boundaries,whatever that anger is about.
And so we have to remember thatthose are our stories.
(14:47):
We're interpreting the actionsand the words of this other
person.
We want to stay vulnerable whenwe are having this.
This is about how we're feeling.
If we didn't have feelings andstories about this action or the
words or whatever is going on,then we wouldn't be triggered by
(15:08):
it, it wouldn't bother us atall, we wouldn't have this
emotional reaction.
But it's the way that our brainis interpreting it.
I'm not saying that people can'tabsolutely like physical abuse
and all the abuses.
I'm not saying that that can'thappen.
That's not what this is about.
(15:30):
What I'm saying is that I caninterpret that in a weird way
when it comes to abuse.
This is not about abuse.
Abuse is a whole other level.
These are about little triggersthat we're having.
I just want to be clear aboutthat, because otherwise this can
come out as victim shaming.
(15:50):
But this is not about abuse.
This is about having these hardconversations around daily
triggers that we have my husbandnot remembering things, him
putting something in a placewhere I told him not to put it,
whatever these little triggersare, or maybe there's a comment
that said that I don't take verywell or has really upset me.
(16:14):
That's not abuse, that's justconflict that we have in our
relationships.
That's what we're talking abouthere.
But we want to get vulnerable inthese spaces because we want
them to be able to becomevulnerable.
Until we do something.
Show them that we're puttingour defenses down.
They won't put their defensesdown either.
(16:36):
We have to make sure that we'revulnerable.
Just remember that just becausewe ask for something doesn't
mean that we're going to get it.
This is very, very importantbecause we don't want to be mad
that we're.
Otherwise, we're not reallyasking, are we?
It's a demand, isn't it?
If it's more of an ultimatum,and it's an ultimatum, that's
(16:59):
not an ask.
An ask is what I would love formyself, what I would love for
you, what I would love for us.
That's the parts that we wantto get clear on.
What I want for myself is notto get triggered when you joke
too much.
What I want for myself is tounderstand that you love me,
regardless.
What I want from you might bethat when you see me getting a
(17:23):
little sensitive, I'd reallyappreciate you stop the joking.
I'd love that.
I don't control that.
What I want for us is to stayreally connected and maybe even
have a deeper relationship.
Whatever it is that I mightwant, we stay focused on what we
truly want.
We're not going to get suckedinto defense or anything because
(17:43):
we're on the same team.
This is my teammate, thisperson that I think I have this
conflict with.
This is a teammate.
How does the conversation goAfter we've spent a few days
really thinking about thosequestions that I offered?
How does the conversation goFirst?
You're going to start with thatshared intention.
(18:06):
What I want out of thisconversation is for us to be
really connected.
That would be really fantastic.
I want us to be even deeperconnected.
I want to be able to trust you.
I want you to be able to trustme.
Whatever that intention wasthat you worked on.
Second part owning my stuff.
Now I it might look like owningmy stuff.
(18:32):
It might look like, wow, I knowthat I have this really big
wounded child and me, and whenpeople start talking about
specific criticisms, I can gointo that wounded spot.
That thing that you said right,that I heard you say was it got
me right back there.
(18:52):
I just went right back to thatwounded child and I started
asking myself all kinds ofstories.
All of that is owning.
It could also be like I ownthat.
We started arguing and I startedsaying things that I did not I
would not want to say, exceptthat maybe I was in my wounded
child or my fierce warriordefending myself.
(19:14):
So we can own all of our stuffright.
These first two steps reallyhelp the defenses come down.
I'm not coming at you for anargument.
I'm coming to you because Iwant to be connected to you.
It's a compassionate,empathetic, loving way of
bringing stuff up right.
(19:34):
And here's what I own aboutthis.
I know a lot of this could beme, right.
And then the third is where westart getting into what is not
working for me.
What is this conflict about forme?
Right, like I don't like tojoke as much.
(19:55):
I don't like it when we get toojokey and it starts hurting
feelings.
Right, I don't like namecalling.
I don't like making fun ofthings that we can't change
about ourselves.
Whatever that thing is Right.
So what isn't working for youin I statements?
(20:15):
It's not you, you, you.
You do this wrong.
You, you know, joke too much.
I don't like it when we joke,right, I statements.
The next part is ask for whatyou want.
I want to be really cognizantthat you love me and that I that
when you're joking with me,you're just joking and it's you
(20:37):
know, it's all in fun andlighthearted.
What I want from you is torealize, you know, when I say,
oh, that's the line.
Maybe we could stop joking.
What I want for us is to have areally fun, great relationship
where we can joke and we canboth feel really good.
Right, that's what I want forme, for you, for us.
(21:00):
Right, then we have to also holdspace for them while they talk.
This means being really present.
I want you to think in yourmind I have to be able to repeat
all of this stuff back to them,because they may want that.
I might want to do that forthem so that they are really
clear about what they're saying.
(21:21):
I might want it done for me.
So holding space means reallylistening.
I'm not coming up with a fix it.
I'm not coming up with advice.
I'm not coming up with adefense while I'm listening.
I am listening so that I couldtell the story back to you if I
needed to.
Right, that's really listening.
(21:41):
We're also going to lean intocuriosity over judgment because,
boy, once we put somebody intoa category of being rude or
insensitive or whatever, we canadd a whole bunch of descriptors
to them.
We don't want to do that.
Instead of being judgmental andthrowing them in a box and
(22:04):
being like, oh, they always dothis, we want to be curious.
I'm really curious how theythink and why they think that
this is appropriate or notappropriate or whatever the
thing is that's going on.
I want to be really curious.
Curiosity trumps judgment everytime, because when we're
curious, we're open to seeingmore, more about that person,
(22:27):
more about their perspective.
Holding space for them isreally important.
This isn't about judging them.
This isn't about fixing thingsor getting defensive.
This is just holding space.
It's just words.
They're not actually going tokill you.
Number six is stay focused onthe intention and what you want.
(22:49):
Right, staying focused on theintention of staying connected.
And then also what I want outof this.
Maybe I want my friend to bemore sensitive, or I want us to
make a line where the jokes stop, because I really start getting
hurt, or I might just reallywant to understand that they
(23:11):
love me and then maybe I canhandle the jokes a little better
.
I get to choose where myboundary is, but I want to focus
on that and the intention of usbeing connected or in more
trust, or whatever the intentionis for this conversation.
Lastly, regardless of how theconversation turns out, you
(23:37):
might get what you want.
You might not get what you wantthe other person could be
defensive and start arguing withyou, raising their voice,
crossing your boundaries.
We are not going to judgeourselves on how this
conversation turned out.
What I want us to look at ishow did I show up to the
(23:57):
conversation?
Did I show up with myintentions of being caring,
connected and loving?
Did I show up the way that Iwanted to?
Because if I did, then Isucceeded.
I can't control what otherpeople do or say or react.
I can control how I showed upto it.
(24:19):
If I showed up to it in acaring, loving way, with lots of
compassion, not gettingdefensive, I'm going to feel
good that I had thatconversation, that I did the
brave, courageous thing ofhaving that conversation.
I showed up the way that Iwanted to.
(24:40):
I hope that this all makes sense.
This is not about the outcome.
We're not going to judgeourselves on the outcome because
we can't control other people.
This is about us being reallyproud about being brave and
courageous to have theseconversations that most of us do
not want to have.
Instead, we often ghost people,and that's kind of shitty,
(25:01):
isn't it?
Excuse my language, but it is.
It's kind of shitty that wechoose to just let people go the
way that we build really deep,intimate relationships, which I
know that we all crave, eitherin friendships or partnerships
or whatever.
We have to stick through thebumps, and having these deep,
(25:22):
hard conversations is how we getthrough the bumps.
So I hope that this has beenhelpful.
If you have specific questions,specific conflicts, specific
conversations that you want totalk about, reach out to me,
because let's get you preparedfor that conversation, let's get
your courage up, let's get youreally clear so you know how you
(25:47):
want to show up.
And it's so much better thanhow I used to play out convert
I'm going to say this andthey're going to say that and
then, if they say that I'm goingto say this, right, that is not
a heart-centered way of havinga deep conversation.
Getting clear on what you wantand how you want to show up that
is the intentional and alignedway of showing up in a hard
(26:13):
conversation in a good way andbeing really proud of yourself.
I hope that this has beenhelpful.
I'm probably going to leavesome notes below so that you
have all of the steps, but Iwant you to really get clear on
those few questions about whatis the intention for this
relationship.
(26:33):
What is my intention?
How do I want to show up to theconversation?
What do I want?
What do I not want?
What does it look like?
These are all the things thatwe need to get clear on before
we even approach theseconversations.
And if you make mistakes and youlook back and you go, oh I
could have, what should I?
(26:54):
Great, you're learningsomething.
You try to hard conversation.
It's probably so much furtherthan so many people that just
choose not to have theseconversations.
They either let people walkover their boundaries or they
just ghost people and they endup pretty alone without a lot of
(27:15):
people to support them becausethey've walked away from every
bump in every relationship.
We don't want to beat either ofthose.
Not a doormat and not someonewho hermits.
We need other humans.
So having hard conversations isa skill that we all could use,
and so I hope that you're brave,I hope that you're courageous
(27:38):
and loving to yourself by havingthese conversations.
Reach out if you need moresupport.
Hello, today's episode is all about having hard
conversations.
So I know that a lot of us areworking on boundaries, and when
we work on boundaries, thatusually means that we have to
step up and have hardconversations with other people.
And this is so importantbecause this is a day and age
where every time we run into abump, we can tend to give up
(00:25):
friends, give up relationships,because it just seems too hard.
But what I want you tounderstand about conflict in
relationships, or you gettingtriggered in relationships, is
one it's really deeper growthfor ourselves if we look at it
that way, because it comes witha lot of clarity, having these
(00:45):
hard conversations.
And so when we go through that,you're going to see how, even
if you never had that hardconversation, you might learn a
lot more about yourself and whatit is that you want.
And the second thing is, Itruly believe that conflict in
relationships are opportunitiesfor deeper connection.
For deeper connection becausewhen we connect to, when we
(01:10):
actually sit through that hardbump in our relationship
together, when we can work thatthrough, we build a lot more
trust.
We know that we can say thingsto other people.
We do it in a way in whichthese people are going to feel
loved, no matter what.
So hard conversations can be sovulnerable.
(01:31):
They feel very, very scary, andyet they don't have to be.
So today, in this episode,we're going to walk through all
of the things that you need toprepare and how to have these
conversations in a way that canfeel really good.
A lot of my clients go throughthis.
A lot of my coaching is reallyabout how to speak your truth in
(01:53):
a way in which other people areopen, more open to hearing you.
Right, because that's the thingthat we've read about a hard
conversation is that we're noteven going to be heard.
We're going to be in thatconversation and the other
person's not really going to behearing us.
We're not going to be hearingthe other person because we're
both thinking about what we'regoing to say next and it gets
(02:13):
defensive, it gets stuck in theego.
That's not where we want to be.
We want to be more in our heartspace, and heart space means
really getting clear withinourselves what it is that we
want and how we're going toapproach.
We're going to approach thesituation, and these hard
conversations can be anything.
It could be bringing somethingup in your marriage that you
(02:36):
never brought up before Askingfor something that you want,
asking for something that youdon't want, or asking not to
have this thing happen, whateverit is.
It could also be like thisthing you did triggered me and
it really has nothing to do withyou, and that's what I want us
to look at.
I have a whole workshop I do,sometimes called Whose Problem
(03:00):
Is it, and usually in conflict.
We can both own our own stuff,and so I'm going to take just a
two minute diatribe on this.
People always ask me how do Iknow whose problem is?
Do they need to change?
Do they need to do somethingdifferent or do I?
And then I ask them well, whohas the emotional problem around
it?
(03:20):
Well, me, I'm getting reallyangry that my husband or my
friend does X, y and Z.
Well then you're the one withthe problem.
You're the one who gets tochange that.
And usually what's happeningwhen we get triggered?
I know we want to blame that onother people, but really our
triggers are our work, and whatthat means is that my triggers
(03:44):
usually are my experience, mypast history, the way that I
learned things, the way I wasraised right All of the ways
that inform my perspective.
That is what is hurting me.
If I was in my higher self,which is an archetype we were
(04:04):
talking about in the modernmidlife mentorship not an
archetype, but part of thearchetypes the higher self is if
all of our archetypes were inalignment and we didn't have the
humanness of ego and emotion,then we would show up in this
higher self and that higher self.
The only reason we gettriggered is because we're
(04:25):
telling ourselves a story aboutwhat is happening or what is
said or what that person isdoing.
We're telling ourselves a storyabout how it's about us, and I
know that we all do this.
So all of that to say, what Ineed us to do is understand that
we contribute to the problem.
(04:48):
Okay, this isn't about shamingvictims or anything, but we
usually, with a lack ofboundaries, contribute to the
situation in some way.
My first marriage I could blameit all on him.
I could say that there werethings that he did that were
absolutely you can't do that,and maybe I didn't do any of
(05:12):
those things, but at the sametime, I contributed to it by the
way that I was treating him, bythe way that I was showing up.
So I'm not responsible for hisactions, but I contributed to
the downfall of our marriage.
So I want us to recognize thatwe can contribute, even if we
(05:34):
think we're in the right.
So this is very importantbecause, without being able to
own our pardonant or ourperception of it, right, like,
oh wow, I was really triggered,but that's because it's this
thing my mom used to do, right,or this teacher did, or I was
shamed and so it brought up allthose old stories that's mine to
(05:55):
own.
All those old stories are mine.
Probably this person wasn'teven around when those stories
happened, so I get to own that.
Yes, I go in into this triggeror I go into this emotion when I
start telling myself storiesabout these things that you're
doing.
Okay, little diatribe onownership.
(06:15):
We can talk more about it ifyou want to reach out, and I'll
probably do a session onownership alone because it's
such an important piece.
But we had to discuss that sothat we can prepare properly to
have these hard conversations.
So, if you're having conflictin one of your relationships or
maybe it's not really a conflictwith them, but you have like
(06:37):
this internal conflict that youwant to share with them here's
how I want you to approach itFirst.
There's homework to do ahead oftime, right?
So the first thing that I wantyou to think about is what is
your intention for thisconversation?
(06:59):
And it's not like to tell themthey're wrong, to tell them I'm
right.
Right, that's not what this isabout.
What we want to do is seeourselves on the same side as
that person when we're inconflict.
I know we can see that otherperson as on the other side of
this conflict, but that is notgoing to help us have the
(07:20):
conversation that we really wantto have.
So what we have to do is seeourselves on the same side, on
the same side.
So we are on the same side andwe.
What's on the other side is theproblem, right, the conflict
that we're having, and we wantto get through this conflict so
(07:41):
that we can be in connection.
So that might be your intention.
I want us to have deeperconnection, and there's this
thing that's in the middle,right, this conflict.
That's kind of bothering me, mytrigger, my experience, what I
heard you say.
So what we want to do is focuson the intention, and we're
(08:03):
going to use this in ourconversation.
So we want it to be coming froma loving place, because I'm
assuming if you're going to havea hard conversation, it's
because you want to be inconnection with this other
person.
So, if you can't think ofanother intention, the fact that
I want us to have deeperconnection is an important
intention, and then we want tolook at what is it that we want.
(08:26):
So, if this other person doessomething or says something that
keeps triggering me, then whatdo I want from that?
Right, often we go to well, Iwant to feel loved, or I want to
feel important, or well, thatother person can't make us feel
anyway.
Right, we have to decide.
(08:46):
What is it that they could dothat I would feel better about?
Now, keep in mind, we can askfor whatever we want.
Doesn't mean that we'll get it,but it will give us more
information about ourrelationship with this other
person.
So what is it that I actuallywant?
What does it look like?
(09:06):
This thing that I want, and itmight be.
You joke too much and it oftenhurts my feelings.
I really wish you wouldn't jokeas seriously.
Right, and this isn't havingthe conversation.
This is just us getting clarity.
I highly recommend that youjournal about this a few days in
a row to go deeper and deeperinto what is it that you
(09:30):
actually want, what is it thatyou're craving or missing, so
that you can be really, reallyclear about what it looks like.
The other thing that I want youto think about is your intention
for showing up, and if you'reone of my coaching clients, you
have intentions for your life,that kind of guide, all of your
(09:50):
choices.
We go over them every week, wecheck in around them to make
sure that we're living inalignment with what we say we
actually want.
So if you have those intentionsthat's what this is how do you
want to show up?
So, if I want to feel loved,connected and cared about, well,
(10:11):
then I have to show up withlove, connection and care in my
heart.
Right, that's how I'm going toshow up.
So when we have this focus ofhow I'm going to show up, then I
know that I'm going to approachthis conversation in a good way
.
I'm not going to come from myego, start getting defensive,
right, as long as I have thisone space to really focus on the
(10:33):
intention for us and theintention for how I show up.
So, again, let me go over thosethree bits, because they're
very important pieces to journalor do homework about ahead of
this conversation, because ifnot, you're going into a
conversation not knowing whatyou want out of it, not prepared
(10:54):
to show up the way that youwant right.
You're going to show up in fearinstead.
If we don't set an intention,we end up showing up in fear,
and the way that we react infear is not often at least in my
experience for me, not oftenthe way that I want to.
Here's some other things that Ireally want you to think about
(11:16):
while you're approaching this.
One is HALTS they use this inAA and a hungry, angry, lonely,
tired, sick.
You can add a PMS or any othertype of discomfort that we're
having when we approachconversations.
When we are in emotional,physical or mental discomfort,
(11:42):
we don't get the results that wewant, and that's because we're
not approaching it in a good way.
We're in this altereddiscomfort state of mind, which
means that we could be in fiercewarrior, we could be in wounded
child.
We are going to be in a spacethat is not the space for us to
ask for what we want.
So we want to take care of asmuch of that discomfort as
(12:05):
possible until we can hold spacefor it.
So it might be that, even if Ihave a long-term illness and I'm
often sick I want to wait untilI feel the healthiest, until at
least, I am really clear withinmyself that I can hold that
discomfort while having thisconversation in the loving,
intimate way that I want to.
(12:27):
I already talked about seeingourselves on the same side so
important to see yourselfconnected with this person on a
team.
You are on the same team andyou are working against this
outside problem, this conflictthat you're having.
Even if it has to do withactions or words that that other
person's doing, that's nothingto do with it.
(12:49):
It's really about you.
This is about you.
I know I just said that, butreally, truly, this is about you
.
So many times we go into theseconversations and we're like
well, you said and you did, andyou, you, you, you, you.
That automatically puts theother person into defense.
So what we want to think aboutis what is this about for me?
(13:13):
Wow, she said something reallyharsh to me and what is that
about?
Wow, I feel, I judge, I believeright, it's all about what I do
.
I, when I am spoken to that way, I go into this wounded child
part of me that thinks that I'vedone something wrong, and then
(13:35):
I want to get defensive becauseI don't think that I'm being
wrong and so I own that.
That is my experience.
That is how I show up sometimeswhen I'm not conscious and
intentional right.
So we can own what it is thatwe here's how I contributed to
this right, here's how Icontributed to this conflict was
(13:57):
that I brought my ownperception, my own experience in
.
I wasn't really seeing it fromyour side and I feel I believe I
judge this is about me.
This discomfort that I amfeeling is about me.
I need, I need boundaries, Ineed you to hear me.
Whatever that is right, it's I,I, I, I, because no one makes
(14:24):
you anything.
I want us to remember that.
I hear this so often and hemakes me mad.
He doesn't make you mad.
He does this thing and youinterpret it in your stories as
something that angers you,something that offends you or
crosses your boundaries,whatever that anger is about.
And so we have to remember thatthose are our stories.
(14:47):
We're interpreting the actionsand the words of this other
person.
We want to stay vulnerable whenwe are having this.
This is about how we're feeling.
If we didn't have feelings andstories about this action or the
words or whatever is going on,then we wouldn't be triggered by
(15:08):
it, it wouldn't bother us atall, we wouldn't have this
emotional reaction.
But it's the way that our brainis interpreting it.
I'm not saying that people can'tabsolutely like physical abuse
and all the abuses.
I'm not saying that that can'thappen.
That's not what this is about.
(15:30):
What I'm saying is that I caninterpret that in a weird way
when it comes to abuse.
This is not about abuse.
Abuse is a whole other level.
These are about little triggersthat we're having.
I just want to be clear aboutthat, because otherwise this can
come out as victim shaming.
(15:50):
But this is not about abuse.
This is about having these hardconversations around daily
triggers that we have my husbandnot remembering things, him
putting something in a placewhere I told him not to put it,
whatever these little triggersare, or maybe there's a comment
that said that I don't take verywell or has really upset me.
(16:14):
That's not abuse, that's justconflict that we have in our
relationships.
That's what we're talking abouthere.
But we want to get vulnerable inthese spaces because we want
them to be able to becomevulnerable.
Until we do something.
Show them that we're puttingour defenses down.
They won't put their defensesdown either.
(16:36):
We have to make sure that we'revulnerable.
Just remember that just becausewe ask for something doesn't
mean that we're going to get it.
This is very, very importantbecause we don't want to be mad
that we're.
Otherwise, we're not reallyasking, are we?
It's a demand, isn't it?
If it's more of an ultimatum,and it's an ultimatum, that's
(16:59):
not an ask.
An ask is what I would love formyself, what I would love for
you, what I would love for us.
That's the parts that we wantto get clear on.
What I want for myself is notto get triggered when you joke
too much.
What I want for myself is tounderstand that you love me,
regardless.
What I want from you might bethat when you see me getting a
(17:23):
little sensitive, I'd reallyappreciate you stop the joking.
I'd love that.
I don't control that.
What I want for us is to stayreally connected and maybe even
have a deeper relationship.
Whatever it is that I mightwant, we stay focused on what we
truly want.
We're not going to get suckedinto defense or anything because
(17:43):
we're on the same team.
This is my teammate, thisperson that I think I have this
conflict with.
This is a teammate.
How does the conversation goAfter we've spent a few days
really thinking about thosequestions that I offered?
How does the conversation goFirst?
You're going to start with thatshared intention.
(18:06):
What I want out of thisconversation is for us to be
really connected.
That would be really fantastic.
I want us to be even deeperconnected.
I want to be able to trust you.
I want you to be able to trustme.
Whatever that intention wasthat you worked on.
Second part owning my stuff.
Now I it might look like owningmy stuff.
(18:32):
It might look like, wow, I knowthat I have this really big
wounded child and me, and whenpeople start talking about
specific criticisms, I can gointo that wounded spot.
That thing that you said right,that I heard you say was it got
me right back there.
(18:52):
I just went right back to thatwounded child and I started
asking myself all kinds ofstories.
All of that is owning.
It could also be like I ownthat.
We started arguing and I startedsaying things that I did not I
would not want to say, exceptthat maybe I was in my wounded
child or my fierce warriordefending myself.
(19:14):
So we can own all of our stuffright.
These first two steps reallyhelp the defenses come down.
I'm not coming at you for anargument.
I'm coming to you because Iwant to be connected to you.
It's a compassionate,empathetic, loving way of
bringing stuff up right.
(19:34):
And here's what I own aboutthis.
I know a lot of this could beme, right.
And then the third is where westart getting into what is not
working for me.
What is this conflict about forme?
Right, like I don't like tojoke as much.
(19:55):
I don't like it when we get toojokey and it starts hurting
feelings.
Right, I don't like namecalling.
I don't like making fun ofthings that we can't change
about ourselves.
Whatever that thing is Right.
So what isn't working for youin I statements?
(20:15):
It's not you, you, you.
You do this wrong.
You, you know, joke too much.
I don't like it when we joke,right, I statements.
The next part is ask for whatyou want.
I want to be really cognizantthat you love me and that I that
when you're joking with me,you're just joking and it's you
(20:37):
know, it's all in fun andlighthearted.
What I want from you is torealize, you know, when I say,
oh, that's the line.
Maybe we could stop joking.
What I want for us is to have areally fun, great relationship
where we can joke and we canboth feel really good.
Right, that's what I want forme, for you, for us.
(21:00):
Right, then we have to also holdspace for them while they talk.
This means being really present.
I want you to think in yourmind I have to be able to repeat
all of this stuff back to them,because they may want that.
I might want to do that forthem so that they are really
clear about what they're saying.
(21:21):
I might want it done for me.
So holding space means reallylistening.
I'm not coming up with a fix it.
I'm not coming up with advice.
I'm not coming up with adefense while I'm listening.
I am listening so that I couldtell the story back to you if I
needed to.
Right, that's really listening.
(21:41):
We're also going to lean intocuriosity over judgment because,
boy, once we put somebody intoa category of being rude or
insensitive or whatever, we canadd a whole bunch of descriptors
to them.
We don't want to do that.
Instead of being judgmental andthrowing them in a box and
(22:04):
being like, oh, they always dothis, we want to be curious.
I'm really curious how theythink and why they think that
this is appropriate or notappropriate or whatever the
thing is that's going on.
I want to be really curious.
Curiosity trumps judgment everytime, because when we're
curious, we're open to seeingmore, more about that person,
(22:27):
more about their perspective.
Holding space for them isreally important.
This isn't about judging them.
This isn't about fixing thingsor getting defensive.
This is just holding space.
It's just words.
They're not actually going tokill you.
Number six is stay focused onthe intention and what you want.
(22:49):
Right, staying focused on theintention of staying connected.
And then also what I want outof this.
Maybe I want my friend to bemore sensitive, or I want us to
make a line where the jokes stop, because I really start getting
hurt, or I might just reallywant to understand that they
(23:11):
love me and then maybe I canhandle the jokes a little better
.
I get to choose where myboundary is, but I want to focus
on that and the intention of usbeing connected or in more
trust, or whatever the intentionis for this conversation.
Lastly, regardless of how theconversation turns out, you
(23:37):
might get what you want.
You might not get what you wantthe other person could be
defensive and start arguing withyou, raising their voice,
crossing your boundaries.
We are not going to judgeourselves on how this
conversation turned out.
What I want us to look at ishow did I show up to the
(23:57):
conversation?
Did I show up with myintentions of being caring,
connected and loving?
Did I show up the way that Iwanted to?
Because if I did, then Isucceeded.
I can't control what otherpeople do or say or react.
I can control how I showed upto it.
(24:19):
If I showed up to it in acaring, loving way, with lots of
compassion, not gettingdefensive, I'm going to feel
good that I had thatconversation, that I did the
brave, courageous thing ofhaving that conversation.
I showed up the way that Iwanted to.
(24:40):
I hope that this all makes sense.
This is not about the outcome.
We're not going to judgeourselves on the outcome because
we can't control other people.
This is about us being reallyproud about being brave and
courageous to have theseconversations that most of us do
not want to have.
Instead, we often ghost people,and that's kind of shitty,
(25:01):
isn't it?
Excuse my language, but it is.
It's kind of shitty that wechoose to just let people go the
way that we build really deep,intimate relationships, which I
know that we all crave, eitherin friendships or partnerships
or whatever.
We have to stick through thebumps, and having these deep,
(25:22):
hard conversations is how we getthrough the bumps.
So I hope that this has beenhelpful.
If you have specific questions,specific conflicts, specific
conversations that you want totalk about, reach out to me,
because let's get you preparedfor that conversation, let's get
your courage up, let's get youreally clear so you know how you
(25:47):
want to show up.
And it's so much better thanhow I used to play out convert
I'm going to say this andthey're going to say that and
then, if they say that I'm goingto say this, right, that is not
a heart-centered way of havinga deep conversation.
Getting clear on what you wantand how you want to show up that
is the intentional and alignedway of showing up in a hard
(26:13):
conversation in a good way andbeing really proud of yourself.
I hope that this has beenhelpful.
I'm probably going to leavesome notes below so that you
have all of the steps, but Iwant you to really get clear on
those few questions about whatis the intention for this
relationship.
(26:33):
What is my intention?
How do I want to show up to theconversation?
What do I want?
What do I not want?
What does it look like?
These are all the things thatwe need to get clear on before
we even approach theseconversations.
And if you make mistakes and youlook back and you go, oh I
could have, what should I?
(26:54):
Great, you're learningsomething.
You try to hard conversation.
It's probably so much furtherthan so many people that just
choose not to have theseconversations.
They either let people walkover their boundaries or they
just ghost people and they endup pretty alone without a lot of
(27:15):
people to support them becausethey've walked away from every
bump in every relationship.
We don't want to beat either ofthose.
Not a doormat and not someonewho hermits.
We need other humans.
So having hard conversations isa skill that we all could use,
and so I hope that you're brave,I hope that you're courageous
(27:38):
and loving to yourself by havingthese conversations.
Reach out if you need moresupport.
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