October 9, 2025 • 23 mins
In this special 200th episode, I explore the power of embracing your Shadow. Drawing from the timeless psychology of Carl Jung, the heartfelt teachings of Debbie Ford, and my own personal journey, we dive into the hidden parts of ourselves that hold the keys to authentic growth and wholeness.
This episode is a deep reflection on how the aspects we reject can become our greatest allies when we bring them into the light. I share how shadow patterns show up in everyday life, how I’ve encountered and integrated my own, and why embracing what we’ve hidden is the path to true inner freedom.
🌑 In this episode, you’ll discover:
- What the Shadow is and why Jung saw it as essential for personal evolution
- Debbie Ford’s powerful approach to finding the “gold” in the dark
- How shadow projections reveal hidden parts of ourselves
- My personal insights from years of working with shadow integration
- Practical tools and reflection exercises to help you embrace your own shadow
This is a soulful, honest, and inspiring reflection on the real work of growth — the work that begins when light meets shadow.
✨ Thank you for being part of this 200-episode journey. Here’s to truth, transformation, and embracing our whole selves.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
The shadow is the unconscious personality, that
part of ourselves that we'vedenied because it doesn't fit
the image of who we think weshould be.
The shadow isn't inheritedlybad, it's just that part of our
personality that we've decidedthat isn't good enough.
So, in which case, thosefeelings, those emotions, those
desires that we think weshouldn't have, we just sweep
(00:27):
under the carpet.
And ultimately, the challengewith that is just gets bigger.
Hello and welcome to the 200thepisode, I'm proud to say, of
the James Grassram podcast SuperSoul Model Series.
Each episode has been laden,filled with growth, filled with
transformation, filled withinspiration.
And without you, none of thiswould have been possible.
(00:48):
So thank you for joining me onthis journey.
And being a milestone of 200episodes, I thought I would
share a subject that has beenpart of pretty much every
episode, but I have never reallydone this episode or talked
about it in great depth.
So that's what we're going to dotoday.
And this episode is about theshadow.
Carl Jung phrased the term theshadow, which is what Abraham
(01:11):
Hicks also likes to call thecontrast of life, the difficult
moments, the parts that we oftendisown.
Carl Jung said one doesn'tbecome enlightened by searching
or looking for light figures.
But when the dark is madeconscious, and what he's really
trying to refer to with theshadow, with the darkness, is
not all doom and gloom, but it'sjust understanding that we are
(01:33):
made of both light and dark.
There are positive attributes toour personality, and they're
those parts that we often hideand pack away so that nobody can
see them.
That's the shadow.
And when we bring that to light,when we make the dark conscious,
when we make that shadow aspectof ourselves more conscious,
healing begins.
(01:54):
So this episode is really aboutthat.
It's bringing light to thosehidden aspects of ourselves that
we've kind of disowned.
And once we own them, we becomefree.
And that helps ourtransformation, that helps us
become the best version ofourselves, and that actually
also helps us raise ourvibration because we recognize
(02:14):
also that the greater our light,the darker the shadow.
And if you are thinking ofsomebody perhaps on the stage
and the spotlight is on them,perhaps it's an actress or a
singer or a musician, oftenbehind that spotlight is a big
shadow.
So that's also referring whenthey're in their light, when
they're in their element,there's also a contrasting
(02:36):
aspect, which is the shadow.
And we all have that, and oftenthe reason why we want to design
the shadow is because we aregoing to be feared that we'll be
judged for bringing thoseaspects of ourselves to light.
I know that's been my case, andit's all been personal for me.
And probably about 15 years ago,I studied with Debbie Ford, who
wrote a book called Dark Side ofthe Light Chasers.
(02:59):
And working with Debbie wasreally brilliant because she
understood and brought to lightthis aspect of the shadow self.
And meeting Debbie was quiteprecious because only a couple
of years after I met her, shepassed away, which is actually
funny enough on my birthday.
So there was something aboutthis soul resonance I had with
this person, understanding herwork, understanding this shadow
(03:21):
aspect of ourselves.
So I want to bring you anupdated version of where it can
apply to you in your life today.
Her teachings about the shadowcracks me open and it's helped
me be able to understand who Iam and those parts of myself
that perhaps I design that I cannow bring to light.
And on my intent in this episodeis to help you do the same, is
(03:42):
to help you bring that wholeaspect of yourself that maybe
you've disowned, maybe you'vehidden away because you fear of
getting judged.
If someone had told me over 15years ago that some of my
greatest successes andbreakthroughs would really come
through owning those parts ofmyself that I've hidden and
tucked away that I thought otherpeople would judge, I would have
probably laughed.
(04:03):
And one of them, for sure, ispeople pleasing.
When I used to say yes toeverything and everyone, it
really took me away from mycentre.
Because I often found that bybeing nice, I would be liked.
And my fear really came from notbeing liked.
And when I went to school, I wassent away and went to a boarding
school at the age of 10, therewas a sense of abandonment from
(04:26):
my family.
Now, this is again the contrast.
This again is the shadow.
And so, in doing so, if I amliked, if I am appreciated, then
I don't have the fear, I won'thave the fear.
So the shadow and Debbie's workreally taught me that you can
say no, you can claim yourself,meaning if that's not for you,
(04:47):
then don't do it, rather thansay yes.
Because when you start to likeand appreciate and approve of
yourself, it doesn't matter whatanyone else thinks.
But when you're younger andyou're still learning to be able
to fit in, and in my case at aboarding school, the desperate
need to be liked was so huge.
And and it was because youwouldn't be in trouble, you
(05:09):
wouldn't get beaten up, youwouldn't have any chance of
challenges.
So it's like a coasty, easylife.
But when you bring that into theadult, you're realizing that
you're still saying yes toinvitations that don't serve
you.
So when I learned to say no, Ireally began to empower myself.
And when I learned that it wasokay not to be liked, that was
(05:32):
okay.
Now that is really crucial for alot of people, and even this
work that we're doing now, somepeople will love it and some
people won't, and that's okay.
You don't have to be loved byall people.
The most important thing is thatyou are loved and honest and
true to yourself, and when youdo that, you'll have a higher
frequency, you'll have a highervibration because not
everything's going to suiteverybody.
(05:53):
And if you can make peace withthat, you'll be so in your
centre, feeling so strong.
This is where realtransformation occurs.
This is where opportunities, theright partners, the right
business, the right work startsto come in because you're owning
yourself.
This is what I've discovered inmy own life, and I would not
have discovered it unless I'dlooked at some of these hidden
(06:14):
aspects of myself that I tuckedaway.
Carl Jung, the Swisspsychologist, often referred to
the shadow as the unconsciouspersonality, that part of
ourselves that we've deniedbecause it doesn't fit the image
of who we think we should be.
The shadow isn't inheritedlybad, he says.
It's just that part of ourpersonality that we've decided
that isn't good enough.
(06:36):
So, in which case, thosefeelings, those emotions, those
desires that we think weshouldn't have, we just sweep
under the carpet.
And ultimately, the challengewith that is anything you sweep
under the carpet just getsbigger because the more we
reject it, the more it controlsus at another of our unconscious
personality.
And the way it begins to show upand present itself unconsciously
(06:59):
in our experience is through ourprojections of other people.
So if you've ever come acrosssomebody who you found was
outrageous, who you didn't likeimmediately started having types
of behavior that you thought wasreally uncalled for, this is a
part of the shadow that'sbeginning to reveal itself in
our day-to-day life because asLewis Carroll said, the world is
but a looking glass.
(07:20):
And in universal terms, in thelaw of attraction terms, it's
the and in spiritual terms,everything and everyone is a
mirror aspect of ourselves.
And when we find something weinherently don't like about
somebody, that is a projection.
And we have to ask ourselves (07:34):
is their behaviour something that's
also inside of us that we'redisowning?
Is their behavior is the waythat they're showing up, that
person that's annoying us insome aspect?
Are we like that at any level?
This is the projection and thisis the shadow revealing itself.
And when I began to notice this,oh my god, my world began to
(07:55):
change because I recognized thatthat person has this type of
behaviour that somehow I mighthave disowned, but I also own.
It might be someone's arrogance,it might be the way someone
might talk over people, it mightbe the way also that someone
might be so vulnerable and welook at them and go, that's a
bit weak.
But ultimately, we might beneglecting that tenderness of
(08:17):
ourselves.
Every aspect where we begin tojudge someone else's character,
but more importantly, someoneelse's personality.
We have to look on ourselves andgo, Do I have that?
So I have a story that I want toshare about the shadow, and
where I looked at myself and go,Am I like that?
Quite a few years ago, I had aneighbour come round with his
wife, and they came round to thehouse, and my whole family were
(08:40):
there, and he enjoyed the soundof his own voice, and he enjoyed
the sound of his own voice.
He only really played music andtold his own stories, and it was
very rare that anyone couldinterject and say anything
because the sound of his voicewas more important than anybody
else.
So essentially he was goinground to his own party for
himself.
(09:00):
And when I was with my family, Ioften like looked on and I said,
Aren't you gonna say something?
Aren't you gonna try andinterject and say something?
But they didn't.
And I found myself, instead ofme wanting to stay and be part
of this party this evening, Idecided I would leave because it
was frustrating me so much.
So I had to have a good look atmyself and I thought, where am I
(09:23):
like that?
And here I am, years later,really using this information,
really using this understandingto empower myself, empower my
clients, and empower you, theaudience, to let you know any
dark side of somebody that yousee, ask yourself, is there an
aspect of me that's also likethem that I potentially
disowned?
(09:43):
So, really from this aspect ofmyself, the overpowering, maybe
talking too much, not listening,I've stepped back and I really
started to listen to everybody.
I talked less.
And even on this show, which isabout talking in communication,
I've really thought about my ownshadow and thought, how can I
share this aspect of myselfthat's true and real, that's
(10:05):
also owning the part of myselfthat maybe I needed to work on.
I needed to be aware of thataspect of myself that was
contrasting.
Because we are both yin andyang, we're both light and
shadow, and there can't be onewithout the other.
And when we expose or bringconsciousness to the shadow, as
Jung said, we become free, webecome lighter, we begin to
heal.
And so, with the aspect of myneighbour, I learned to
(10:26):
recognize that maybe if Ilistened more, my life would
improve.
If I listen more, myrelationships would improve and
go deeper.
And if I didn't overpower, Iallowed myself and my community
of people, the people I with tobe able to put their foot
forward into a conversationinstead of me trying to
overpower and wrestle in.
So all of these parts of theshadow that I discovered in
(10:49):
myself, look in your ownexperience.
What parts of yourself are youdisowning of the shadow?
Because Jung's saying when youbring light to this darkness,
the shadow, you begin to healit.
And that's the beautiful aspectof our personality.
Because often we think thateverything's okay in our life,
but it's only when someone doessomething that really grinds us
or rubs us off the wrong way, webegin to blame them.
(11:11):
But we have to really askourselves, are we projecting?
Because this is the aspect ofthe shadow that comes to light
in other people, becauseessentially every one of our
relationships is a reflection ofourselves.
Also, you can find the shadow insomeone that triggers you,
essentially triggers oh, theshadow coming to light.
Where is that part of me?
Why am I getting triggered bythis person?
(11:33):
And the reason why you're beingtriggered because there's an
aspect of you in them.
So the quality you get fromowning your shadow, you begin to
stop judging people so harshly,and instead you begin to
integrate yourself.
Debbie Ford in her book Darksideor Light Chasers didn't really
just talk about darkness, shetalked about how the shadow
holds gifts, and what she reallymeans by that is when you
(11:56):
understand the gift in thedarkness or in the shadow that
you have in your experience,that gift makes you more whole,
which in case brings you moreauthenticity and fulfills your
life, brings you richerrelationships because
essentially your greatesthappiness isn't just about you
and what you have, it's aboutthe relationships you have with
other people.
And when we're more authenticand we're more whole, our
(12:19):
relationships are richer andmore fun and more enjoyable and
more full of love.
And what she said in that book,which is a major takeaway, what
you can't be with won't let yougo.
And essentially, what it'strying to say is when you begin
to avoid those emotions, thoseanger or the fear or
vulnerability or all thesedifferent heavy emotions that we
(12:39):
tend to sweep under the carpet,as we mentioned.
When you can't be with him, whenyou can't sit with him, when you
try to avoid them and push themaway, they just get bigger
because the universe says whatyou resist persists.
And when you resist that part ofyourself that isn't authentic,
it tends to show up in perhapscontrasting ways.
One of the major takeaways thatI learned from Debbie's work,
(13:01):
it's not about avoiding theshadow, it's more about
embracing all of you, and withthat you become so much more
free and liberated.
And often we have parts ofourselves that we feel awkward
about.
That's only because we'reavoiding aspects of ourselves.
But when we embrace ourselves,it's not about becoming more
spiritual, it's more aboutbecoming more evolved.
And so understanding that shadowaspect of yourself that you
(13:23):
sweep under the carpet justmakes you feel a lot better
about you.
And there's a great story I wantto share because an ex-boss that
I had years and years ago, heused to tell the most outrageous
stories, and they were ladenwith crash words, and it was
hilarious.
But often you were thinking, Ohmy god, what's he said?
And are the clients going to beupset that he's told this story?
(13:45):
And he said, Look, we provide anamazing service, and I have to
tell you, sometimes my storiesare very rude because I am rude.
That was him owning his shadow.
He goes, But we provide anamazing service and people love
us.
And if you like what we do,we're gonna deliver you the
best.
But what he did was is he ownedthat aspect of himself, that
(14:06):
shadow that he is rude, that heis outrageous.
But yet somehow people lovedthat authenticity because
authenticity is a highfrequency, and so he was owning
that shadow aspect of himselfthat he wasn't perfect, he
wasn't ever claiming to beperfect, but they did provide an
amazing service.
And when I look in my ownexperience as well, is when I
(14:27):
began to have healthy boundariesfor the first time instead of
people pleasing, when I quitdrinking, I used to say no to
loads of stagdies.
I went on one stag dew and itdidn't work out that great.
And so what I recognized is thatif I'm gonna live a healthy
life, I've also got to learn tohave healthy boundaries.
So look into your experience.
(14:49):
What could you own that maybeyou've hidden away?
Is it the fear of beingdisliked?
Is it the fear of being loved?
Is it the fear of being seen?
Because often when the light ison you, the spotlight is on you,
would you freak out and want torun away?
Often the things that we wantthe most require us to be in our
light.
And if we're in our light, we'llwe'd be exposed for being
imperfect and being judged forthat.
(15:11):
There's so many celebrities thathave got to the heights, and
then suddenly that light's so onthem that all their
imperfections begin to show outto the public, which can be
incredibly debilitating.
So if you can get to that partof yourself to be happy and
proud of yourself regardless.
So all these little shadowaspects of ourselves allow us to
(15:34):
become freer once we shine alittle bit of light and
acknowledge them instead ofavoiding them.
I was a chronic avoider, butwhen I began to own everything,
even if it was imperfect, Ifound that in a short amount of
time, wonderful things,wonderful new opportunities,
money, etc., came into myexperience as a result of
instead of avoiding, owning.
This is powerful.
(15:55):
And even if someone's projectingsomething you don't like, before
you blame, make sure you're notprojecting on anybody.
So the gifts of the shadowreally come from being able to
see the beauty in theimperfection of ourselves.
How often have you ever metsomebody go, God, I feel so
comfortable with you?
You're so easy and relatable totalk to.
And the reason being is becausethey're usually owning all
(16:17):
aspects of themselves.
This gives us more relatability.
I remember when my sister uhtold me years ago when I first
started in the podcast, shegoes, Oh, you've been a model,
that's unrelatable.
She goes, but if you can tellabout your imperfections, if you
can tell about your stories,about your comebacks from the
challenges that you had, likedrinking, uh, that's relatable
because everyone is goingthrough something.
(16:39):
So instead of trying to puteverybody on a pedestal,
recognise that we're all humanbeings and we all have different
emotions.
And the gifts of owning ourshadow and integrating our
shadow is recognizing that we'reactually a whole human being and
there's no one to put on apedestal, no matter who you
think they are.
They're just another human beingfeeling all the different
emotions.
I remember this old Indian uhchief was on a podcast I was
(17:03):
watching, and he said somethingso beautiful.
He goes, We were really worriedand anxious about our tribe
losing land.
And he goes, I suffered withanxiety for so long.
There was so much responsibilityput on my shoulders.
And what I really liked is hegoes, I invited anxiety to the
table and I pushed it away.
And he goes, I invited it backto the table, and instead of me
(17:27):
pushing it away and showing itthe door, I allowed it to have a
meal with me.
And he goes, it then it left ofits own accord instead of me
trying to push it away.
And what he's really trying tosay with this, this Indian chief
that I really liked with thiswisdom was don't push anything
away, don't avoid it, allow it.
Allow space for itsimperfection, that's difficult
feeling, to have space, to allowit there to be present, even if
(17:50):
you don't like it, allow it tobe present.
You're essentially facing themonster, you're facing those
emotions yourself.
And usually when we face themonster, it leaves of its own
accord.
This is really powerful becausewe're showing strength and
courage to show up to thoseemotions that we've put under
the carpet, that we've dismissedand disowned, because it doesn't
(18:12):
live up to who we think we are.
Ultimately, as human beings, webecome more beautiful when we
recognize our imperfections.
That's why we love comediansbecause they're always talking
about their imperfections.
When you face that shadow, oftenwhat emerges is authenticity,
maybe even creativity.
Sometimes the things that you'vejudged the most might be aspects
(18:32):
or qualities that come later.
One of the things I had thatcame up into my experience was I
think the year was about 2005,2006, I started to learn how to
make music.
And I remember when I wasyounger, I was listening to my
dad play the guitar, and my mumsinging, I was always a bit
embarrassed.
But years later, I found that Ipicked up a ukulele on a
modelling trip and I heardsomeone play.
(18:54):
I thought, that's really nice.
One day I'll play that.
And I had this little ukulele inmy room just as an ornament, as
a decoration, and then one daysome guy came around and he
started, he goes, Do you knowhow to play this?
And he started to play it.
And lo and behold, I learned howto play the ukulele.
And I've written a few songs andit's really fun, and it's a way
to make me feel good regardless.
(19:16):
Creativity is an outlet, andsomething that I once judged,
now I can do.
Maybe it's not a guitar, butit's a ukulele.
And on top of that, I make dancemusic, pure joy, something I
discovered out of a pureaccident.
And one of the things thatyou're gonna really love about
discovering and owning yourshadow, or at least integrating
it, is you'll never know whatgood is you will find by owning
(19:38):
that.
So if you really want tointegrate the shadow, I want to
share with you five practicaltools that you can do.
So the first way, if you want tointegrate this, is to write a
judgment inventory, and that iswhen you get triggered by
somebody or you see somethingthat upsets you or triggers you
in one way, ask yourself, whereis that in me?
Because remember, every time wesee something in our outer
(19:59):
world, it's often reflectingsomething on the inner world.
The next thing to do is to havea journaling prompt, and the
journaling prompt is to write alist, and this is challenging,
is where are those parts ofmyself that I remain hidden that
I don't want to show the world?
And it might be I'm irritable,I'm dismissive, I can be
stubborn, I can be rude, youknow, all of these things.
(20:21):
And then the next one is theradical ownership practice.
This is one of my favourite.
The next time you find yourselfmaybe judging somebody else, own
it.
Because that ownership is justrecognizing, oh, I'm owning
that, judging, I'm owning thatjudgment, and that must be part
of me.
Number four is one of the best,is the ho a pono pono.
(20:41):
That's I love you, I'm sorry,please forgive me and thank you.
Anytime you feel a judgmentcoming up, anytime you feel some
sort of darkness coming upinside of you, anytime you feel
any type of judgment, say thesefour phrases I love you, I'm
sorry, please forgive me, thankyou.
This cleans up hard disk drivein your mind.
Dr.
Hugh Len wrote a book with JoeVitali years ago called Zero
(21:02):
Limits.
They've also got a program aboutit now on Amazon, and it's about
zero limits, and you becomezero, meaning you become the
most divine, happiest,healthiest, wealthiest version
of yourself by clearing the harddrive, your mind, with those
four phrases.
I love you, I'm sorry, pleaseforgive me, thank you.
Try it, notice it.
(21:22):
I began doing this years ago,and every time I've noticed
there's judgment coming up, andI need to clear my mind.
These four phrases helpeliminate that.
And last but not least, thefifth way you could integrate
the shadow into your life istalk to those aspects of
yourself, talk to thatirritability, talk to that
anxiety, talk to that aspect ofyourself that you're trying to
disown, that fear of not beingliked, and say hello, welcome it
(21:44):
to the table, recognize it, giveit a seat.
This you could do as avisualization, and in doing it,
you create peace with it.
Until you make peace with thoseparts of yourself that you've
disowned, they'll keep showingup in your life, and they'll
keep showing up in a way thatwill get your attention and
perhaps in an unpleasant way.
I know that's been myexperience, and until you give
(22:05):
that a state or until you givethat a seat, so 200 episodes in,
and I can't thank you enough.
Today's episode about theshadows, you know, so important,
so powerful.
Because unless we meet thoseaspects of ourselves that are
dark and contrasting, we neverreally will feel happy.
We never really will feel freebecause we're avoiding something
(22:27):
at some level.
As Debbie Ford reminded us, theshadow isn't something that you
need to fix, it's already there,it's really just embracing all
parts of you.
And when you can do that, youset yourself free and you see
more green lights and you havegreater, happier experience.
And I love looking at that yinand yang sign because it's got
like black with a little whitein it, and then white with a
little black in it, and that'sthe perfect symbol of the Tao
(22:50):
that represents light and darkbeing partners and emerged and
part of the self.
That's also us, that's you.
And you become a wholer versionof yourself, and the word holy
comes from the word whole whenyou integrate both these parts
of yourself.
So this has become reallypowerful instead of us avoiding
that aspect, you become partnerswith it, and it's a lighter way
(23:12):
of looking at something thatmight seem contrasting, that
might seem dark.
And here's to the next chapterof love, of growth and
integration.
And until the next episode, Iwish you a wonderful week ahead
and green lights all the way.
Thanks for tuning in.
If you've enjoyed this episode,please remember to like,
subscribe, and share.
The shadow is the unconscious personality, that
part of ourselves that we'vedenied because it doesn't fit
the image of who we think weshould be.
The shadow isn't inheritedlybad, it's just that part of our
personality that we've decidedthat isn't good enough.
So, in which case, thosefeelings, those emotions, those
desires that we think weshouldn't have, we just sweep
(00:27):
under the carpet.
And ultimately, the challengewith that is just gets bigger.
Hello and welcome to the 200thepisode, I'm proud to say, of
the James Grassram podcast SuperSoul Model Series.
Each episode has been laden,filled with growth, filled with
transformation, filled withinspiration.
And without you, none of thiswould have been possible.
(00:48):
So thank you for joining me onthis journey.
And being a milestone of 200episodes, I thought I would
share a subject that has beenpart of pretty much every
episode, but I have never reallydone this episode or talked
about it in great depth.
So that's what we're going to dotoday.
And this episode is about theshadow.
Carl Jung phrased the term theshadow, which is what Abraham
(01:11):
Hicks also likes to call thecontrast of life, the difficult
moments, the parts that we oftendisown.
Carl Jung said one doesn'tbecome enlightened by searching
or looking for light figures.
But when the dark is madeconscious, and what he's really
trying to refer to with theshadow, with the darkness, is
not all doom and gloom, but it'sjust understanding that we are
(01:33):
made of both light and dark.
There are positive attributes toour personality, and they're
those parts that we often hideand pack away so that nobody can
see them.
That's the shadow.
And when we bring that to light,when we make the dark conscious,
when we make that shadow aspectof ourselves more conscious,
healing begins.
(01:54):
So this episode is really aboutthat.
It's bringing light to thosehidden aspects of ourselves that
we've kind of disowned.
And once we own them, we becomefree.
And that helps ourtransformation, that helps us
become the best version ofourselves, and that actually
also helps us raise ourvibration because we recognize
(02:14):
also that the greater our light,the darker the shadow.
And if you are thinking ofsomebody perhaps on the stage
and the spotlight is on them,perhaps it's an actress or a
singer or a musician, oftenbehind that spotlight is a big
shadow.
So that's also referring whenthey're in their light, when
they're in their element,there's also a contrasting
(02:36):
aspect, which is the shadow.
And we all have that, and oftenthe reason why we want to design
the shadow is because we aregoing to be feared that we'll be
judged for bringing thoseaspects of ourselves to light.
I know that's been my case, andit's all been personal for me.
And probably about 15 years ago,I studied with Debbie Ford, who
wrote a book called Dark Side ofthe Light Chasers.
(02:59):
And working with Debbie wasreally brilliant because she
understood and brought to lightthis aspect of the shadow self.
And meeting Debbie was quiteprecious because only a couple
of years after I met her, shepassed away, which is actually
funny enough on my birthday.
So there was something aboutthis soul resonance I had with
this person, understanding herwork, understanding this shadow
(03:21):
aspect of ourselves.
So I want to bring you anupdated version of where it can
apply to you in your life today.
Her teachings about the shadowcracks me open and it's helped
me be able to understand who Iam and those parts of myself
that perhaps I design that I cannow bring to light.
And on my intent in this episodeis to help you do the same, is
(03:42):
to help you bring that wholeaspect of yourself that maybe
you've disowned, maybe you'vehidden away because you fear of
getting judged.
If someone had told me over 15years ago that some of my
greatest successes andbreakthroughs would really come
through owning those parts ofmyself that I've hidden and
tucked away that I thought otherpeople would judge, I would have
probably laughed.
(04:03):
And one of them, for sure, ispeople pleasing.
When I used to say yes toeverything and everyone, it
really took me away from mycentre.
Because I often found that bybeing nice, I would be liked.
And my fear really came from notbeing liked.
And when I went to school, I wassent away and went to a boarding
school at the age of 10, therewas a sense of abandonment from
(04:26):
my family.
Now, this is again the contrast.
This again is the shadow.
And so, in doing so, if I amliked, if I am appreciated, then
I don't have the fear, I won'thave the fear.
So the shadow and Debbie's workreally taught me that you can
say no, you can claim yourself,meaning if that's not for you,
(04:47):
then don't do it, rather thansay yes.
Because when you start to likeand appreciate and approve of
yourself, it doesn't matter whatanyone else thinks.
But when you're younger andyou're still learning to be able
to fit in, and in my case at aboarding school, the desperate
need to be liked was so huge.
And and it was because youwouldn't be in trouble, you
(05:09):
wouldn't get beaten up, youwouldn't have any chance of
challenges.
So it's like a coasty, easylife.
But when you bring that into theadult, you're realizing that
you're still saying yes toinvitations that don't serve
you.
So when I learned to say no, Ireally began to empower myself.
And when I learned that it wasokay not to be liked, that was
(05:32):
okay.
Now that is really crucial for alot of people, and even this
work that we're doing now, somepeople will love it and some
people won't, and that's okay.
You don't have to be loved byall people.
The most important thing is thatyou are loved and honest and
true to yourself, and when youdo that, you'll have a higher
frequency, you'll have a highervibration because not
everything's going to suiteverybody.
(05:53):
And if you can make peace withthat, you'll be so in your
centre, feeling so strong.
This is where realtransformation occurs.
This is where opportunities, theright partners, the right
business, the right work startsto come in because you're owning
yourself.
This is what I've discovered inmy own life, and I would not
have discovered it unless I'dlooked at some of these hidden
(06:14):
aspects of myself that I tuckedaway.
Carl Jung, the Swisspsychologist, often referred to
the shadow as the unconsciouspersonality, that part of
ourselves that we've deniedbecause it doesn't fit the image
of who we think we should be.
The shadow isn't inheritedlybad, he says.
It's just that part of ourpersonality that we've decided
that isn't good enough.
(06:36):
So, in which case, thosefeelings, those emotions, those
desires that we think weshouldn't have, we just sweep
under the carpet.
And ultimately, the challengewith that is anything you sweep
under the carpet just getsbigger because the more we
reject it, the more it controlsus at another of our unconscious
personality.
And the way it begins to show upand present itself unconsciously
(06:59):
in our experience is through ourprojections of other people.
So if you've ever come acrosssomebody who you found was
outrageous, who you didn't likeimmediately started having types
of behavior that you thought wasreally uncalled for, this is a
part of the shadow that'sbeginning to reveal itself in
our day-to-day life because asLewis Carroll said, the world is
but a looking glass.
(07:20):
And in universal terms, in thelaw of attraction terms, it's
the and in spiritual terms,everything and everyone is a
mirror aspect of ourselves.
And when we find something weinherently don't like about
somebody, that is a projection.
And we have to ask ourselves (07:34):
is their behaviour something that's
also inside of us that we'redisowning?
Is their behavior is the waythat they're showing up, that
person that's annoying us insome aspect?
Are we like that at any level?
This is the projection and thisis the shadow revealing itself.
And when I began to notice this,oh my god, my world began to
(07:55):
change because I recognized thatthat person has this type of
behaviour that somehow I mighthave disowned, but I also own.
It might be someone's arrogance,it might be the way someone
might talk over people, it mightbe the way also that someone
might be so vulnerable and welook at them and go, that's a
bit weak.
But ultimately, we might beneglecting that tenderness of
(08:17):
ourselves.
Every aspect where we begin tojudge someone else's character,
but more importantly, someoneelse's personality.
We have to look on ourselves andgo, Do I have that?
So I have a story that I want toshare about the shadow, and
where I looked at myself and go,Am I like that?
Quite a few years ago, I had aneighbour come round with his
wife, and they came round to thehouse, and my whole family were
(08:40):
there, and he enjoyed the soundof his own voice, and he enjoyed
the sound of his own voice.
He only really played music andtold his own stories, and it was
very rare that anyone couldinterject and say anything
because the sound of his voicewas more important than anybody
else.
So essentially he was goinground to his own party for
himself.
(09:00):
And when I was with my family, Ioften like looked on and I said,
Aren't you gonna say something?
Aren't you gonna try andinterject and say something?
But they didn't.
And I found myself, instead ofme wanting to stay and be part
of this party this evening, Idecided I would leave because it
was frustrating me so much.
So I had to have a good look atmyself and I thought, where am I
(09:23):
like that?
And here I am, years later,really using this information,
really using this understandingto empower myself, empower my
clients, and empower you, theaudience, to let you know any
dark side of somebody that yousee, ask yourself, is there an
aspect of me that's also likethem that I potentially
disowned?
(09:43):
So, really from this aspect ofmyself, the overpowering, maybe
talking too much, not listening,I've stepped back and I really
started to listen to everybody.
I talked less.
And even on this show, which isabout talking in communication,
I've really thought about my ownshadow and thought, how can I
share this aspect of myselfthat's true and real, that's
(10:05):
also owning the part of myselfthat maybe I needed to work on.
I needed to be aware of thataspect of myself that was
contrasting.
Because we are both yin andyang, we're both light and
shadow, and there can't be onewithout the other.
And when we expose or bringconsciousness to the shadow, as
Jung said, we become free, webecome lighter, we begin to
heal.
And so, with the aspect of myneighbour, I learned to
(10:26):
recognize that maybe if Ilistened more, my life would
improve.
If I listen more, myrelationships would improve and
go deeper.
And if I didn't overpower, Iallowed myself and my community
of people, the people I with tobe able to put their foot
forward into a conversationinstead of me trying to
overpower and wrestle in.
So all of these parts of theshadow that I discovered in
(10:49):
myself, look in your ownexperience.
What parts of yourself are youdisowning of the shadow?
Because Jung's saying when youbring light to this darkness,
the shadow, you begin to healit.
And that's the beautiful aspectof our personality.
Because often we think thateverything's okay in our life,
but it's only when someone doessomething that really grinds us
or rubs us off the wrong way, webegin to blame them.
(11:11):
But we have to really askourselves, are we projecting?
Because this is the aspect ofthe shadow that comes to light
in other people, becauseessentially every one of our
relationships is a reflection ofourselves.
Also, you can find the shadow insomeone that triggers you,
essentially triggers oh, theshadow coming to light.
Where is that part of me?
Why am I getting triggered bythis person?
(11:33):
And the reason why you're beingtriggered because there's an
aspect of you in them.
So the quality you get fromowning your shadow, you begin to
stop judging people so harshly,and instead you begin to
integrate yourself.
Debbie Ford in her book Darksideor Light Chasers didn't really
just talk about darkness, shetalked about how the shadow
holds gifts, and what she reallymeans by that is when you
(11:56):
understand the gift in thedarkness or in the shadow that
you have in your experience,that gift makes you more whole,
which in case brings you moreauthenticity and fulfills your
life, brings you richerrelationships because
essentially your greatesthappiness isn't just about you
and what you have, it's aboutthe relationships you have with
other people.
And when we're more authenticand we're more whole, our
(12:19):
relationships are richer andmore fun and more enjoyable and
more full of love.
And what she said in that book,which is a major takeaway, what
you can't be with won't let yougo.
And essentially, what it'strying to say is when you begin
to avoid those emotions, thoseanger or the fear or
vulnerability or all thesedifferent heavy emotions that we
(12:39):
tend to sweep under the carpet,as we mentioned.
When you can't be with him, whenyou can't sit with him, when you
try to avoid them and push themaway, they just get bigger
because the universe says whatyou resist persists.
And when you resist that part ofyourself that isn't authentic,
it tends to show up in perhapscontrasting ways.
One of the major takeaways thatI learned from Debbie's work,
(13:01):
it's not about avoiding theshadow, it's more about
embracing all of you, and withthat you become so much more
free and liberated.
And often we have parts ofourselves that we feel awkward
about.
That's only because we'reavoiding aspects of ourselves.
But when we embrace ourselves,it's not about becoming more
spiritual, it's more aboutbecoming more evolved.
And so understanding that shadowaspect of yourself that you
(13:23):
sweep under the carpet justmakes you feel a lot better
about you.
And there's a great story I wantto share because an ex-boss that
I had years and years ago, heused to tell the most outrageous
stories, and they were ladenwith crash words, and it was
hilarious.
But often you were thinking, Ohmy god, what's he said?
And are the clients going to beupset that he's told this story?
(13:45):
And he said, Look, we provide anamazing service, and I have to
tell you, sometimes my storiesare very rude because I am rude.
That was him owning his shadow.
He goes, But we provide anamazing service and people love
us.
And if you like what we do,we're gonna deliver you the
best.
But what he did was is he ownedthat aspect of himself, that
(14:06):
shadow that he is rude, that heis outrageous.
But yet somehow people lovedthat authenticity because
authenticity is a highfrequency, and so he was owning
that shadow aspect of himselfthat he wasn't perfect, he
wasn't ever claiming to beperfect, but they did provide an
amazing service.
And when I look in my ownexperience as well, is when I
(14:27):
began to have healthy boundariesfor the first time instead of
people pleasing, when I quitdrinking, I used to say no to
loads of stagdies.
I went on one stag dew and itdidn't work out that great.
And so what I recognized is thatif I'm gonna live a healthy
life, I've also got to learn tohave healthy boundaries.
So look into your experience.
(14:49):
What could you own that maybeyou've hidden away?
Is it the fear of beingdisliked?
Is it the fear of being loved?
Is it the fear of being seen?
Because often when the light ison you, the spotlight is on you,
would you freak out and want torun away?
Often the things that we wantthe most require us to be in our
light.
And if we're in our light, we'llwe'd be exposed for being
imperfect and being judged forthat.
(15:11):
There's so many celebrities thathave got to the heights, and
then suddenly that light's so onthem that all their
imperfections begin to show outto the public, which can be
incredibly debilitating.
So if you can get to that partof yourself to be happy and
proud of yourself regardless.
So all these little shadowaspects of ourselves allow us to
(15:34):
become freer once we shine alittle bit of light and
acknowledge them instead ofavoiding them.
I was a chronic avoider, butwhen I began to own everything,
even if it was imperfect, Ifound that in a short amount of
time, wonderful things,wonderful new opportunities,
money, etc., came into myexperience as a result of
instead of avoiding, owning.
This is powerful.
(15:55):
And even if someone's projectingsomething you don't like, before
you blame, make sure you're notprojecting on anybody.
So the gifts of the shadowreally come from being able to
see the beauty in theimperfection of ourselves.
How often have you ever metsomebody go, God, I feel so
comfortable with you?
You're so easy and relatable totalk to.
And the reason being is becausethey're usually owning all
(16:17):
aspects of themselves.
This gives us more relatability.
I remember when my sister uhtold me years ago when I first
started in the podcast, shegoes, Oh, you've been a model,
that's unrelatable.
She goes, but if you can tellabout your imperfections, if you
can tell about your stories,about your comebacks from the
challenges that you had, likedrinking, uh, that's relatable
because everyone is goingthrough something.
(16:39):
So instead of trying to puteverybody on a pedestal,
recognise that we're all humanbeings and we all have different
emotions.
And the gifts of owning ourshadow and integrating our
shadow is recognizing that we'reactually a whole human being and
there's no one to put on apedestal, no matter who you
think they are.
They're just another human beingfeeling all the different
emotions.
I remember this old Indian uhchief was on a podcast I was
(17:03):
watching, and he said somethingso beautiful.
He goes, We were really worriedand anxious about our tribe
losing land.
And he goes, I suffered withanxiety for so long.
There was so much responsibilityput on my shoulders.
And what I really liked is hegoes, I invited anxiety to the
table and I pushed it away.
And he goes, I invited it backto the table, and instead of me
(17:27):
pushing it away and showing itthe door, I allowed it to have a
meal with me.
And he goes, it then it left ofits own accord instead of me
trying to push it away.
And what he's really trying tosay with this, this Indian chief
that I really liked with thiswisdom was don't push anything
away, don't avoid it, allow it.
Allow space for itsimperfection, that's difficult
feeling, to have space, to allowit there to be present, even if
(17:50):
you don't like it, allow it tobe present.
You're essentially facing themonster, you're facing those
emotions yourself.
And usually when we face themonster, it leaves of its own
accord.
This is really powerful becausewe're showing strength and
courage to show up to thoseemotions that we've put under
the carpet, that we've dismissedand disowned, because it doesn't
(18:12):
live up to who we think we are.
Ultimately, as human beings, webecome more beautiful when we
recognize our imperfections.
That's why we love comediansbecause they're always talking
about their imperfections.
When you face that shadow, oftenwhat emerges is authenticity,
maybe even creativity.
Sometimes the things that you'vejudged the most might be aspects
(18:32):
or qualities that come later.
One of the things I had thatcame up into my experience was I
think the year was about 2005,2006, I started to learn how to
make music.
And I remember when I wasyounger, I was listening to my
dad play the guitar, and my mumsinging, I was always a bit
embarrassed.
But years later, I found that Ipicked up a ukulele on a
modelling trip and I heardsomeone play.
(18:54):
I thought, that's really nice.
One day I'll play that.
And I had this little ukulele inmy room just as an ornament, as
a decoration, and then one daysome guy came around and he
started, he goes, Do you knowhow to play this?
And he started to play it.
And lo and behold, I learned howto play the ukulele.
And I've written a few songs andit's really fun, and it's a way
to make me feel good regardless.
(19:16):
Creativity is an outlet, andsomething that I once judged,
now I can do.
Maybe it's not a guitar, butit's a ukulele.
And on top of that, I make dancemusic, pure joy, something I
discovered out of a pureaccident.
And one of the things thatyou're gonna really love about
discovering and owning yourshadow, or at least integrating
it, is you'll never know whatgood is you will find by owning
(19:38):
that.
So if you really want tointegrate the shadow, I want to
share with you five practicaltools that you can do.
So the first way, if you want tointegrate this, is to write a
judgment inventory, and that iswhen you get triggered by
somebody or you see somethingthat upsets you or triggers you
in one way, ask yourself, whereis that in me?
Because remember, every time wesee something in our outer
(19:59):
world, it's often reflectingsomething on the inner world.
The next thing to do is to havea journaling prompt, and the
journaling prompt is to write alist, and this is challenging,
is where are those parts ofmyself that I remain hidden that
I don't want to show the world?
And it might be I'm irritable,I'm dismissive, I can be
stubborn, I can be rude, youknow, all of these things.
(20:21):
And then the next one is theradical ownership practice.
This is one of my favourite.
The next time you find yourselfmaybe judging somebody else, own
it.
Because that ownership is justrecognizing, oh, I'm owning
that, judging, I'm owning thatjudgment, and that must be part
of me.
Number four is one of the best,is the ho a pono pono.
(20:41):
That's I love you, I'm sorry,please forgive me and thank you.
Anytime you feel a judgmentcoming up, anytime you feel some
sort of darkness coming upinside of you, anytime you feel
any type of judgment, say thesefour phrases I love you, I'm
sorry, please forgive me, thankyou.
This cleans up hard disk drivein your mind.
Dr.
Hugh Len wrote a book with JoeVitali years ago called Zero
(21:02):
Limits.
They've also got a program aboutit now on Amazon, and it's about
zero limits, and you becomezero, meaning you become the
most divine, happiest,healthiest, wealthiest version
of yourself by clearing the harddrive, your mind, with those
four phrases.
I love you, I'm sorry, pleaseforgive me, thank you.
Try it, notice it.
(21:22):
I began doing this years ago,and every time I've noticed
there's judgment coming up, andI need to clear my mind.
These four phrases helpeliminate that.
And last but not least, thefifth way you could integrate
the shadow into your life istalk to those aspects of
yourself, talk to thatirritability, talk to that
anxiety, talk to that aspect ofyourself that you're trying to
disown, that fear of not beingliked, and say hello, welcome it
(21:44):
to the table, recognize it, giveit a seat.
This you could do as avisualization, and in doing it,
you create peace with it.
Until you make peace with thoseparts of yourself that you've
disowned, they'll keep showingup in your life, and they'll
keep showing up in a way thatwill get your attention and
perhaps in an unpleasant way.
I know that's been myexperience, and until you give
(22:05):
that a state or until you givethat a seat, so 200 episodes in,
and I can't thank you enough.
Today's episode about theshadows, you know, so important,
so powerful.
Because unless we meet thoseaspects of ourselves that are
dark and contrasting, we neverreally will feel happy.
We never really will feel freebecause we're avoiding something
(22:27):
at some level.
As Debbie Ford reminded us, theshadow isn't something that you
need to fix, it's already there,it's really just embracing all
parts of you.
And when you can do that, youset yourself free and you see
more green lights and you havegreater, happier experience.
And I love looking at that yinand yang sign because it's got
like black with a little whitein it, and then white with a
little black in it, and that'sthe perfect symbol of the Tao
(22:50):
that represents light and darkbeing partners and emerged and
part of the self.
That's also us, that's you.
And you become a wholer versionof yourself, and the word holy
comes from the word whole whenyou integrate both these parts
of yourself.
So this has become reallypowerful instead of us avoiding
that aspect, you become partnerswith it, and it's a lighter way
(23:12):
of looking at something thatmight seem contrasting, that
might seem dark.
And here's to the next chapterof love, of growth and
integration.
And until the next episode, Iwish you a wonderful week ahead
and green lights all the way.
Thanks for tuning in.
If you've enjoyed this episode,please remember to like,
subscribe, and share.
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