April 16, 2025 • 37 mins
Not every path to parenthood ends in a baby — and not every story needs to.
In this episode of our Infertility Series we’re diving into three powerful, wildly different fertility journeys — all full of grit, heartbreak, humor, and the kind of truth we need to be talking about more.
➡️ Jess gets real about navigating IVF as a queer woman with her wife by her side. From failed transfers to giving progesterone shots in the stadium bathroom at OSU (true story), her journey is proof that love, persistence, and a solid sense of humor can carry you through just about anything.
➡️ Jessie was told she had less than a 5% chance of having a baby — and then went on to have four. She didn’t take no for an answer, found the right people who believed in her, and flipped the script in the most jaw-dropping way possible.
➡️ And Allie? Allie’s story is just as powerful — because she chose to not have kids. After treatments, heartache, and a whole lot of judgment from people who didn’t get it, she and her husband walked away and built a beautiful, full life in a different way.
Whether you’re going through it, love someone who is, or just want to understand what this all really feels like — this one’s for you.
🧡 Listen now. Share with someone who needs it. And know this: whatever your path looks like… you’re not alone.
#TheKeriCroftShow #InfertilitySeries #InfertilityAwarenessMonth #QueerParenting #ChildFreeNotLess #1in6 #InfertilitySupport #ModernMotherhood #IVFJourney #YouAreNotAlone #SayTheThing #BreakTheStigma
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to the Keri Croft Show and to the
second episode in ourInfertility Series, one that
continues to crack open thecomplexity of what it means to
fight for, redefine orultimately surrender to the
dream of becoming a parent.
Today, we hear from threeincredibly brave women who share
their stories with raw honesty,grit and grace.
First, jess takes us inside herjourney to build a family with
(00:23):
her wife, navigating not onlythe medical process but the
unique dynamics of queerparenthood in a system that
often wasn't designed for them.
Then there's Jessie my God,jessie.
This woman stared down a 5%chance of success.
She was told no at every turnand still she persisted.
Her story is one of trueperseverance, positivity and
(00:46):
belief in the impossible.
And finally, allie, a womanwhose courage doesn't come from
continuing the fight but fromdeciding to end her fertility
journey on her own terms.
She shares what it looks liketo choose peace, even when that
peace means living without thechildren she once imagined.
This episode is a reminder thatthere is no one definition of
(01:06):
strength, no perfect path, justreal women with real stories,
choosing what's best for theirhearts, their bodies and their
lives.
Thank you, jess, jesse andAllie, for sharing your journeys
with us so honestly and bravely.
Your words will undoubtedlytouch many hearts and we are so
grateful for your courage.
If you or someone you know isgoing through something similar,
(01:28):
please share these stories.
Let's spread awareness andcreate connections with people
who are living through thisright now.
You are not alone, and untilnext time, keep moving, baby.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
I'm Jess, I'm a member of the queer community
and you know our fertilityjourney was just a little bit
more winding than we anticipated.
We knew it was like never goingto be a solo expedition, just
the two of us, and that was kindof something we had to deal
with, going into it Like therewas never any way, it was just
going to be a child.
That was kind of something wehad to deal with, going into it
Like there was never any way, itwas just going to be a child.
That was a product of my wifeand me and like obviously I know
how biology works, like I knewthat was never going to happen.
(02:14):
But there is like an element ofloss with that, even before you
start that it's never justgoing to be the two of you.
There's always going to besomeone, something else involved
in the process.
So our journey has been abouttwo years long.
It started in, I mean, evenbefore we were actively trying.
(02:35):
It started when we were sort offiguring out how we wanted our
family to come together, whetherwe wanted to use a donor that
we knew we wanted to go througha cryobank.
We researched all the options,we decided on picking a donor
from a bank and we kind ofstarted trying from there.
We did a couple IUIs orintrauterine inseminations, and
(02:57):
those didn't go according toplan.
I mean like really what is theplan?
But so we did a couple of thoseand then another tough element
of this is like your wholejourney in some way is in
someone else's hands.
So you're kind of dealing withlike navigating benefits,
navigating insurance companies,navigating your work schedule,
(03:17):
your finances, like your mental,emotional health, your physical
health.
So we did the IUIs, we took abreak for a little bit and then
we started IVF in the beginningof 2024.
So we did the IUIs, we took abreak for a little bit and then
we started IVF in the beginningof 2024.
So we went through I wentthrough the egg retrieval
process.
My wife was like a super champ,like she can give a PIO shot,
like nobody's business at thispoint, which we just didn't
(03:38):
think was going to be a part ofour relationship.
We started with our firstembryo transfer and like we were
just holding the most positivevibes that you could ever
imagine and that ended upbecoming a biochemical pregnancy
and that was so tough becausewe had five days of positive
home tests and like getting sopsyched and thinking like this,
(03:59):
is it like it's our time?
And we went in for that firstblood test at the doctor and
like no dice.
So it was like that immediatehigh and so quickly it was just
not going to work.
And then again it was like kindof in someone else's hands.
So we were waiting to be ableto get in at our clinic again
for another transfer.
(04:19):
So we took a couple months, wedid another transfer over the
summer and that was just like atotal failed implantation.
So that felt like a huge stepbackwards because we thought,
since the first one had beenpositive, we would just run the
same play and it felt like wehad moved backwards, like we
didn't.
Like I'm a go, go, go person, Iwant to try everything, I want
to do every test.
(04:40):
And so when it didn't work thesecond time, candidly like it
fucking sucked.
So then I felt really empoweredto like become the diva of my
fertility clinic and be like Iam going to ask for every single
test you will give me, I willadvocate, I will read papers
about it and like tell you why Ithink it's the right thing.
And thankfully I was workingwith a practitioner who was
(05:01):
really down for that.
So we tried a bunch of stuff.
I did an ERA or like anendometrial receptivity
assessment.
That came back normalantiphospholipid antibodies that
came back normal, likeeverything was fine.
So I kind of just tried toground and like really, what was
it going to take for me to feelreally good?
And one thing I kind of feltthrough the first two transfers
(05:25):
was I was holding so much ofother people's hope, like we had
our own, that we wanted, but itwas like our families were
going to be so psyched, like ourfriends were going to be so
excited, and so for this lasttransfer, I was kind of like I
love it and I appreciate it, butI can't take, take it on.
And so we didn't tell anyone,we didn't tell our parents we
were doing it, we didn't tellour friends, we didn't like
(05:48):
nobody knew.
And it turned out to work inour favor, which was amazing,
and we finally got to like dothe process the way I think of,
like the normal version works.
So like we got to surprise ourfamilies and tell them we were
expecting over the holidayswhich was just beyond, and it
just felt like this really nicemoment of like we had just
(06:10):
tightened up the two of us.
We had like built this reallyfucking solid foundation and
like now we were moving.
So that's the short version,that's the headlines and that's
where we are.
Poor memory I have from thisprocess is needing to navigate,
giving and receiving aprogesterone shot.
On the night of the collegefootball playoffs we got tickets
(06:35):
to the OSU Tennessee game.
We were so psyched and at thetime we got the tickets we
didn't know if our embryotransfer was going to be
successful.
We got the tickets, we didn'tknow if our embryo transfer was
going to be successful.
So there was something in theback of our heads.
I think we were like on our wayto Costco where I said you know
, if this works, we're going tohave to figure out how to do a
shot in the show.
And my wife was like if we getto that point, we're going to be
(06:56):
so lucky and that was just kindof where we left it.
And so I think we found out aweek and a half before the game
that our transfer had stuck andI was expecting, and then we
went into this full tilt panicof like what are we going to do
with like this alive syringe,like filled with progesterone at
Ohio Stadium.
So we get there, we get to herwork tailgate and we're scoping
(07:17):
out, like is the porta potty bigenough for two people?
Like are we both going to fitin there?
Like can I hold my phone lightover my head so she can like see
my tush?
And like we can make it happen?
Um, and then she feels like Imean it feels like she has live
ammo in her coat because if thisshot like discharges, we're
going to have a real problem.
So we had done some, somequality control, some qc at the
(07:39):
crib before we left um, and weput some.
We put like a rubber bandaround the syringe and tested so
it like couldn't press down.
But I mean, this was, it wasvery D-list, but it was like
critical to making it happen,because the shot has to happen
at the same time every night.
So you're just kind of likeokay, I guess I'm going to
figure it out.
So I had scoped out, like whereare their single bathrooms?
(08:00):
Like can we bring in medicalsupplies?
Like what are we doing?
And so we end up going in.
We find a single bathroom.
I had packed like a hand warmerto put on after the shot,
because you have to like keep itwarm.
So she gave me the shot.
In this bathroom it was like 20degrees outside, I was freezing
, I've got the hand warmers inmy pants and we just rocked it
and saw the game.
(08:23):
Thoughts and advice for peoplewho are in it right now.
I feel like number one is likejust know that you're entitled
to support and be really clearwith people about what you need.
Like sometimes I would kind oftell people what was going on
and let them in, but I didn'tsay like it would be nice if you
checked in with me, or likeit's okay to ask me about what's
happening, like I would loveyour community.
So that's one thing.
(08:43):
Another piece of advice is Ifelt like as I got further into
it, I needed to practice someradical non-attachment to the
process and connection to theoutcome.
Like I am going to, we're goingto have our child come hell or
high water.
But if I was so attached to theprocess like I'd still be in a
puddle after the first IUI andyou kind of just need to like
(09:04):
shore yourself and like do whatyou need.
Like have your treat yourselftime and then keep it moving,
because otherwise, I mean, thisis really a marathon for a lot
of people.
It was not a sprint for us, andyou've got to sustain yourself.
You have to find joy where youcan.
You have to let your partnersupport you.
You have to let your petssupport you.
The pets are actually critical.
We brought in an animalcommunicator because we were
(09:27):
like having some shit go on withour pets.
It's like hardcore lesbian shit.
You have to know.
I mean, we're a Subaru family.
We have two Subarus between us.
Yes, you have to know it's likea serious situation here.
The most positive thing that'scome out of this experience for
(09:47):
me is like there is literallynothing I can't do.
I can go on PubMed and read apaper published by the NIH, like
about egg retrieval stats.
I can give myself a shot in mylove handle in an airport
bathroom, like I can do anything.
And this is just.
I mean it's just when you havea kid, I imagine like you have
to figure it out, like therejust has to be stuff that you're
(10:10):
you will do anything.
Yeah, I had 40 fucking eggs.
I had 40.
The egg retrieval recovery wasit was really hard.
It was really hard because myovaries were like the Chiquita
banana hat.
It was insane.
I, my ovaries were like theChiquita banana hat.
(10:30):
It was like it was insane.
I have PCOS, though, so that'slike that's the silver lining.
We got super lucky, so we gotnine PGT embryos like normal
embryos, yeah, and that's why itwas hard, because, like the egg
retrieval went so well, like wehad such a good outcome, and
they kept telling us like thisis not normal, this is not
(10:56):
normal.
I was, like, tell me something Idon't know.
Like okay, for the love of allthings special in this world,
please do not like impose yourexpectations on queer couples to
adopt.
I think everyone is entitled toadopt or like have a family in
whatever way they want, buteveryone is equally entitled to
experience pregnancy if theywant to, to adopt if they want
to, to have a blended family ifthey want to.
(11:17):
You can do whatever you want,but, like, every option should
be equally available to everyone, with zero judgment.
That's my TED talk.
That's my full TED talk.
Everyone's like you're going to, but aren't you going to check
into adopting?
I was like, bitch, you adopt?
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
Don't tell her.
I mean respect.
The fertility and infertilityprocess can like weigh on any
relationship.
I think for us it was reallyimportant for me and both of us
as a partnership to learn moreabout how the other person
processes disappointment,challenges, tough information
and ambiguity.
(11:53):
So I listened to this fertilitypodcast.
I learned that I'm a maximizer,which means if there is a
conflict or there's a challenge,literally no one in this house
will have another bite of foodor another sip of water until we
get to the bottom of this andfigure out the plan.
And my wife is lovingly.
The term they use is aminimizer, which means she's
just kind of kind of trying tofind peace in the process and
(12:16):
like she's okay lettingsomething slide.
So I think it's what makes us areally good partnership.
But in those moments where it'slike very gritty, it can be
tough for me to be like, okay,we are allowed to have food in
this moment while we like workthrough this, and for her to
just say I understand you need aminute to process and I'm
probably the primary audiencefor that.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
My name is Jesse.
I have four beautiful daughtersFrancesca is six.
I have identical twin daughters, conchetta and Isabella, who we
call Coco, and Bella, who arefour, and I have a two-year-old
named Giada.
I tried to get pregnant prettyquickly after I was married
(13:03):
around the age of 31, 32.
Nothing seemed to be working.
But you chalk it up toeverybody's lives are busy.
I'm working a lot, my husband'sworking a lot.
After about a year and a half orso, we decided like let's do a
little bit of intervention.
We sought the advice of a localfertility doctor here in
Columbus and, you know, withoutany blood work or any background
(13:28):
, you know he looked at me andsaid you look, you're young, you
look healthy.
I think this will probably bepretty easy.
He did a little blood work inthe office but sent me home with
a prescription for Clomid andabout 48 hours later I got a
call from the nurse and she saidyou should just stop taking
(13:48):
that prescription.
And I said why, you know?
And we didn't even do anythingyet and she said well, we got
your blood work back and there'sno way that's ever going to
work.
Your fertility age, on bloodwork, looks more like a 43 or 44
year old.
So the likelihood that you'llever have your own child is slim
.
And I will never forget.
I was in my garage, like on myway to work, and I just sort of
(14:10):
like fell to the ground andsomeone over the phone telling
you like you're never going tohave a baby, when that's all I
ever wanted was to be a mom andhave a baby.
So immediately I called myhusband, I called my mom.
My mom raced down to Columbusfrom Youngstown and we just sort
of started like what are wegoing to do next?
I'm very much like I need to bein action.
I wanted to know where do we gofrom here?
(14:32):
What can I do?
So of course I start orderingbooks on the Internet and
calling everybody I know,looking up every doctor in town.
This was all.
This language was just sort offoreign to me.
I didn't know what, any of theabbreviations, what FSH or AMH.
I didn't know what it meant.
So I'm Googling things as I'mgetting information over the
phone from this nurse.
(14:53):
And you know, I immediatelysought the advice of a second
doctor in Columbus who kind ofled me down the same path and
said I just don't think this isin the cards for you.
Then I started reaching out topeople I knew in the community
who I knew had been throughsimilar things, and my friend,
kate agreed to meet me forcoffee and we were friendly but,
you know, kind of knew eachother through workout class and
(15:15):
she had had a really positiveexperience with this doctor in
Cleveland.
So we met for coffee.
She gave me all the ins andouts of everything she had gone
through and I was like all right, I'm going to put her on my
list.
And and in the meantime I'dreached out to doctors in other
states.
I'd gone to Pittsburgh and justwas coming up nowhere, you know
, they would look at my mystatistics if you will and they
(15:36):
were just like oh, you know,this doesn't look good.
And I finally got an appointmentwith this doctor in Cleveland
and she was so awesome.
She sat down with my husbandand I and she she said I'm not
going to lie to you, I'm notgoing to steer you in the wrong
direction.
I'm going to tell you that I'mwilling to like take you on as a
patient, but I would give youlike about a 5% chance of having
(15:59):
a live pregnancy.
And I just heard like chance,chance, chance.
Like you know, I think myhusband was more like 5%, you
know, but I I was like that'sall I needed to hear and I just
started immediately.
We started going through allthe protocols and we did, you
know, had to go through all thechannels.
You know she had to try theIUIs.
Of course she knew they weren'tgoing to work, but she's like
(16:21):
we need to do like a stepthrough to get to the next spot.
And I basically just spent thenext year and a half at the
Cleveland Clinic, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth
.
I just wouldn't stop.
I found sort of a littlenetwork and family up there.
These girls that worked in theclinic became like family.
They were really invested in mysituation and my story.
(16:41):
And you know they had protocolsthere that you know we weren't
going to do a retrieval for anembryo unless you had X amount
of follicles and that was nevergoing to happen for me.
So this angel of a nurse, laura, said to me one day after I had
had an appointment.
She said you only have onefollicle.
She's like it's expensive to dosurgery.
(17:03):
It's hard on your body to getthat, to go in there and see if
there's anything there.
But I'm going to advocate foryou today.
If you want me to that, we'rejust going to do it.
And I'm like, if I have one, Iwant to do it every time.
I want to go in every time, aslong as I have one.
You know, and I think even thedoctors were a little bit like,
oh, I don't think this is agreat idea.
And I just said I want to do it, that's what I want to do.
(17:25):
And from there that was sort ofmy new protocol was if I have
one that looks good, we're goingin for the surgery.
I did this I don't even know howmany times like six, seven, and
sometimes it would be there wasnothing there when I woke up
from the surgery.
Sometimes there would be one,sometimes there would be two,
(17:46):
and neither one of them wouldmake it.
And you know, I just kept going.
I kept thinking to myself thewhole time I'm not going to let
this get me down.
I'm not going to be negative.
I would just smile and say like, let me know when I can start
the next round, just let me knowI'm ready.
And we did this over and overand over again until I had three
embryos and once I got my thirdembryo, after I don't know six
(18:10):
or seven, seven rounds of doingthis, my doctor said I think
it's time we have to try one now.
She's like you can't keepputting your body through this
and we've got enough that Ithink we could.
Maybe we could have one babyhere.
So my first attempt was having.
I only put one in and got aperfectly healthy, wonderful
little girl and I thought thisis it?
(18:34):
Like that's all, that's, that'sall it'll be, probably, and
that is wonderful.
I'm so content and happy, um,and you know, then you sort of
get hooked and by the time, um,she was one.
Uh, my husband and I thoughtlet's have one more, let's do
one more, let's try it one more.
And my doctor said to me likewe are not doing ivf again, your
body can't take it.
(18:55):
There's really, I really don'tthink there's any.
We got everything.
I think we're gonna get out ofyou.
Um, so you have two chances andif they they don't work, we
have to just be grateful.
You have a baby and I, athousand percent.
I was on board for that.
I went in.
I had another transfer done.
They put in that one embryo.
Two weeks later I took theblood tests positive pregnancy I
(19:18):
was just like stunned.
You know it was.
It was like everything and morethat I ever wanted.
And then it was March of 2020,covid hit and I went in for my
ultrasound on March 16th.
Nobody knew what was goingalong on, but my husband
couldn't come with me.
They had me like wrap a scarfaround my face so like because
(19:40):
we weren't doing masks yet.
But everyone was confused and Igo in to get my ultrasound and
they, they do the ultrasound andthe lady's looking at the chart
and she's looking at the screen.
She's looking at the chart andshe's like how many eggs did you
put in?
I said just one.
And she's like, well, that'scrazy because there's two babies
in there.
So my embryo split and I hadidentical twins and it was like
(20:01):
mind-blowing.
I actually didn't really evenconceive that that could be no
pun intended, that that could bea no pun intended, that that
could be a possibility.
I guess I maybe heard it alongthe way, but I was just blown
away.
So then we had identical twindaughters and our house was so
crazy, so crazy and so much funand it was just everything I
(20:22):
ever wanted.
And then fast forward to theirfirst birthday Wasn't feeling so
great and I found out I wasspontaneously pregnant with my
fourth child.
It was my first pregnancy.
I had never before, in theeight years I tried to get
pregnant, had never had apositive pregnancy test.
(20:42):
I never got pregnant andmiscarried.
I never, ever, I just never hadhad been pregnant on my own.
So I got pregnant for the firsttime at 40 and delivered her at
41.
And she's like a miracle babyso wonderful, so loving and
happy and she completes ourfamily.
And, yeah, my advice to anyonegoing through this right now
(21:09):
would be don't stop.
If your first answer is no,don't listen to every protocol
along the way.
You know I think about it allthe time.
If I would have listened to theprotocol that you know we don't
retrieve unless we have threeembryos, I would probably have
no kids, or three follicles.
I guess I should say I probablywouldn't have any kids.
I would have just taken it forface value and said, well, I
(21:33):
didn't make it this time or Idon't have enough to do the
retrieval.
And I think finding someone toadvocate for you and what you
feel is right for you and inyour heart, that you know your
body the best.
I just I didn't stop at thefirst.
No, I didn't stop at the first.
No, I didn't stop at the second.
No, I didn't stop at the third.
No, I just kept looking forsomeone that was willing to help
(21:53):
me.
Infertility impacts your mentalhealth and your relationships in
a big way.
It's hard, it's hard, to be atthat age where all your friends
are having kids and yoursiblings are having kids and
you're watching people throwfirst birthday, your siblings
are having kids and you'rewatching people throw first
birthday parties and you'rethere and you're supportive and
(22:14):
you're just wishing it was you.
It's challenging because youknow you want to be the best
friend and the best everythingyou can, best spouse, but it is
all-encompassing.
You know I I had a hard timefocusing on anything other than
that.
It's just you kind of narrow inand it's a little bit isolating
.
And I was so fortunate that mybest friend from childhood lived
(22:37):
five minutes from the ClevelandClinic.
So I took it as an opportunityto, you know, have weekday
sleepovers and get to be aroundher children more, and I didn't
struggle as much with the.
I love kids so much that I wasjust so grateful to be around
all my friends' kids and mysister's kids as much as I could
.
I embrace that like auntie role, but you know it did sting a
(22:59):
little bit.
You.
You just look at all thesepeople and you're thinking, god,
when's it going to be my turn?
My advice to people on theoutside to support people going
through this is to let them knowyou're there, but not to ask
too many questions if they don'tseem like they want to talk
(23:21):
about it.
Kind of read the room.
I think a lot of the thingsthat are cliche, that people say
it'll happen or just relax, andif someone really has a good
experience to share, I thinkthat's one thing.
I was so lucky I had so muchsupport from people.
Out of this experience I gaineda ton.
I gained the confidence inmyself to know that I can
(23:45):
advocate for what I want, forwhat I want, and speak up to
people and in situations whenit's something that is really
that important.
I also gained this greatpassion for helping other women.
I think one of the things thatcomes with infertility is stigma
(24:08):
and I think if we're not openabout it, you can't help each
other.
You know I always remind peoplelike you didn't do anything
wrong.
This is not something that youknow.
I understand it's.
It's sensitive, but it doesn'thave to be private.
I always think about the girlthat helped me.
If she wouldn't have been openabout what she went through, I
would have never known what shehad been through and I would
(24:31):
have never found my doctor.
So I have spent, you know,countless hours with people on
the phone that I don't even know, just connected through friends
of friends, and they've becomefriends of mine and I think
about them often and I check inon them often and and on them
(24:54):
often.
And it's really given meanother purpose, because I think
that the more we're vocal, themore people we can help.
Speaker 4 (25:40):
Thank you, I'm Allie.
My fertility journey ended withme not having children.
So I got married when I was 30years old and started trying,
you know, almost right away,naturally the old-fashioned way,
and it just wasn't happening.
So I went into other options.
I started, I saw anacupuncturist.
(26:02):
He gave me herbs.
I started seeing my doctor.
I started seeing my doctor.
We did some testing.
My husband had to go in andhave his sample specimen tested
(26:23):
and really it was unexplainedand there was no answers that
anyone could give me.
And so the next step is IUI,which I'm sure a lot of people
have been through, is IUI, whichI'm sure a lot of people have
been through, and I can vividlyremember being at the doctor's
office getting inseminated whileon my BlackBerry that's how
long ago it was on my BlackBerrylaying on my back answering
emails as I was hopefullygetting pregnant in that moment.
(26:46):
We tried that three times andthe next step was, you know, ivf
.
We were sitting across from ourfertility doctor and you know
she was very direct.
You're in your thirties,there's not much time left.
It's time to start with thenext step.
We have to start with themedications, the egg retrieval,
(27:06):
start thinking aboutimplantation.
And I just at that moment justpaused and I didn't think I
could do it.
It was something in me thatjust said I don't know if I'm
really prepared mentally or inthe right headspace to really
think about doing that.
And so I said to her I think Ineed to think about it.
(27:29):
And she said there's no time.
You need to do it as soon aspossible.
And so I remember my husbandand I left and we saw each other
in the parking lot.
We were going our separate waysto our offices and I looked at
him and I said I don't know thatI can do this or make this
decision right now.
Long story short, we didn'tdecide to go that route.
(27:49):
I couldn't do it.
There was just I had spoken totoo many people who have done it
, who had done it, who said tome things like I don't know if I
would have done this if I knewhow hard it was, or this was
really detrimental to mymarriage, or now I have these
embryos and I don't know what todo with them, because I had a
(28:10):
baby or twins and I don't knowwhat to do now with these
embryos, and it was a reallyawful feeling for them.
And so at the time it that timein my life and what my mental
state was and what was going onaround me, I just didn't think
that I could do that.
And the whole fertility processand trying to get pregnant and
(28:31):
the timed intercourse and allthat stuff was not doing wonders
for our relationship at all.
And so I just really decided toprotect that relationship and
work on that, as opposed tocontinuing to push us forward,
because really, he left it up,my husband left it up to me.
It was really my decision andwe decided to just see what
(28:55):
would happen, naturally.
And then I think theculminating moment was I was
with my grandmother.
She was dying and I was havingsome last moments with her and
she looked at me and said justenjoy your life.
Enjoy your life, don't thinkabout what you don't have, think
about what you do have, thinkabout the life that you can
(29:16):
enjoy right now.
And I just in that moment,decided I was just going to
figure out what my purpose wasand find a way to just enjoy
what I had, and that's what I'vebeen doing ever since enjoy
what I had, and that's what I'vebeen doing ever since.
(29:41):
This journey was reallydifficult for me personally.
I had always dreamt of becomingpregnant and being a mom and I
was throwing my entire self intoit at the expense of my mental
health.
Our relationship suffered.
So I was, and there was lots ofother things going on with me
personally, but I was going totherapy every week to sort of
grapple with what was coming upfor me and I were seeing a
(30:06):
therapist because the pressurebeing placed on us to, you know,
go through these treatments orschedule sex with each other
that was really wreaking havocon our relationship and I was
not my best self during thattime.
I treated my husband terriblyand, you know, said things like
(30:31):
all you have to do is have sex,like what's wrong with you, why
can't you just perform when Ineed you to Really just awful
things, and it really hurt himand it hurt our relationship and
I would say it's stillsomething we have to overcome in
terms of our intimacy and howcomfortable we are in those
moments, because it was such atraumatic thing for us.
(30:52):
I think going to therapytogether and working through
those moments with someone thatcould help us communicate more
effectively was really helpfulin us remaining married through
that time.
You know now we're 20 yearsmarried, but at the time we got
married when we were 30, thatwas very early on in our
(31:13):
relationship, very early days tobe putting that much pressure
on us.
So it was really.
It really impacted me myselfand my own mental health, but
also our relationship as well.
I think there's a lot ofpressure being placed on women
and I certainly felt thepressure to, or the questions
(31:34):
would inevitably come up whydon't you have children?
What's up with that?
I remember being in my mid 30sin New York City trying to build
my career at my company.
I was finally with theseexecutives and we were out after
work and having a few beers andthe question comes up hey,
allie, you know, how long haveyou been married?
(31:55):
Oh, why don't you have kids?
And I, you know being an openbook type of person, I said well
, you know, we tried, it didn'thappen.
We've gone through someinfertility treatments, but you
know, right now we're just goingto see what happens and give
myself a break from all of that.
And his response to me was well, you must not have tried hard
enough.
And that felt like a punch tothe gut.
(32:19):
Honestly, it was.
Um, I didn't have a wittycomeback for him at the time.
I just kind of shrunk intomyself and made myself smaller
and tried to change theconversation, but that judgment
that I felt and then theresulting feelings of, you know,
not being good enough, beinginferior, being less of a woman,
(32:44):
was really overwhelming in thatmoment.
If it was today, I wouldprobably say, because I knew him
and I knew he had a daughterI'd probably say something like
would you say something likethat to your daughter if she was
struggling right now?
It's a really cruel thing foryou to say, and it's actually
(33:05):
none of your business.
That's what I would have said,but I just didn't say anything.
Actually, the man who was withme said another man said to me
would you like to leave?
And I said yes.
One of the biggest things thathappened during that time was
(33:27):
that, obviously, when you'remarried, you're going to get
questions about when you'regoing to have kids, and I had
lots of well-intentioned peoplesending me books about
infertility or recommendingtherapies or, um, you know,
pushing me to do IVF.
You can do it, just just go forit.
Save the money, um and I knowit was all coming from a good
(33:50):
place.
I think this is so hard for meto say because I am such an open
book and I'll tell anyoneanything about my life.
I think I would have kept morequiet about what was happening
and really kept it between Joeand I and really had more
answered more in the you know Ireally would rather not talk
(34:13):
about it.
It's something Joe and I areworking through together and I
would just appreciate giving mesome space.
I really wish I had held itmore sacred and not made it such
an open thing, because it justinvites more commentary and
invites more well-intentionedadvice that I didn't really need
and felt overwhelming and Ithink I just I think I would
(34:37):
have been more private about it.
One of my biggest regrets duringthe journey is really
abandoning the care for myrelationship with my husband in
the quest to get pregnant of achild.
I really let my focus on ourrelationship go and the
(35:01):
relationship paid the price forit.
At the end of the day, even ifyou go through this struggle and
you end up getting pregnant andhaving a baby, you still have
to have a relationship with thatperson and raise that child
together and then have a lifeafter that child inevitably has
their own life.
So I wish I hadn't sacrificedso much of our relationship in
this quest of getting pregnant,but it took a really big toll.
(35:28):
The positive outcome of me andJoe making this decision to
pause everything around theinfertility process and just
live our lives is that I'vereally found a lot of joy and
fulfillment out of being areally special and present aunt,
(35:48):
chosen aunt by my friends andfamily.
I have such specialrelationships with the young
people and children in my lifeand I've derived so much
fulfillment out of it, and mysister always tells me that I'm
a spiritual mother, that it'ssomething that I was really born
to do.
But I get to share that with somany other children than just
(36:12):
my own.
And no, no, the other day I wasmeditating on it and it just
(36:34):
felt I and attention to allthese important children in my
life my friends' children, mysister's children and it's meant
the world to me and I'm reallyfulfilled by it and it really
makes me happy to play that role.
Welcome back to the Keri Croft Show and to the
second episode in ourInfertility Series, one that
continues to crack open thecomplexity of what it means to
fight for, redefine orultimately surrender to the
dream of becoming a parent.
Today, we hear from threeincredibly brave women who share
their stories with raw honesty,grit and grace.
First, jess takes us inside herjourney to build a family with
(00:23):
her wife, navigating not onlythe medical process but the
unique dynamics of queerparenthood in a system that
often wasn't designed for them.
Then there's Jessie my God,jessie.
This woman stared down a 5%chance of success.
She was told no at every turnand still she persisted.
Her story is one of trueperseverance, positivity and
(00:46):
belief in the impossible.
And finally, allie, a womanwhose courage doesn't come from
continuing the fight but fromdeciding to end her fertility
journey on her own terms.
She shares what it looks liketo choose peace, even when that
peace means living without thechildren she once imagined.
This episode is a reminder thatthere is no one definition of
(01:06):
strength, no perfect path, justreal women with real stories,
choosing what's best for theirhearts, their bodies and their
lives.
Thank you, jess, jesse andAllie, for sharing your journeys
with us so honestly and bravely.
Your words will undoubtedlytouch many hearts and we are so
grateful for your courage.
If you or someone you know isgoing through something similar,
(01:28):
please share these stories.
Let's spread awareness andcreate connections with people
who are living through thisright now.
You are not alone, and untilnext time, keep moving, baby.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
I'm Jess, I'm a member of the queer community
and you know our fertilityjourney was just a little bit
more winding than we anticipated.
We knew it was like never goingto be a solo expedition, just
the two of us, and that was kindof something we had to deal
with, going into it Like therewas never any way, it was just
going to be a child.
That was kind of something wehad to deal with, going into it
Like there was never any way, itwas just going to be a child.
That was a product of my wifeand me and like obviously I know
how biology works, like I knewthat was never going to happen.
(02:14):
But there is like an element ofloss with that, even before you
start that it's never justgoing to be the two of you.
There's always going to besomeone, something else involved
in the process.
So our journey has been abouttwo years long.
It started in, I mean, evenbefore we were actively trying.
(02:35):
It started when we were sort offiguring out how we wanted our
family to come together, whetherwe wanted to use a donor that
we knew we wanted to go througha cryobank.
We researched all the options,we decided on picking a donor
from a bank and we kind ofstarted trying from there.
We did a couple IUIs orintrauterine inseminations, and
(02:57):
those didn't go according toplan.
I mean like really what is theplan?
But so we did a couple of thoseand then another tough element
of this is like your wholejourney in some way is in
someone else's hands.
So you're kind of dealing withlike navigating benefits,
navigating insurance companies,navigating your work schedule,
(03:17):
your finances, like your mental,emotional health, your physical
health.
So we did the IUIs, we took abreak for a little bit and then
we started IVF in the beginningof 2024.
So we did the IUIs, we took abreak for a little bit and then
we started IVF in the beginningof 2024.
So we went through I wentthrough the egg retrieval
process.
My wife was like a super champ,like she can give a PIO shot,
like nobody's business at thispoint, which we just didn't
(03:38):
think was going to be a part ofour relationship.
We started with our firstembryo transfer and like we were
just holding the most positivevibes that you could ever
imagine and that ended upbecoming a biochemical pregnancy
and that was so tough becausewe had five days of positive
home tests and like getting sopsyched and thinking like this,
(03:59):
is it like it's our time?
And we went in for that firstblood test at the doctor and
like no dice.
So it was like that immediatehigh and so quickly it was just
not going to work.
And then again it was like kindof in someone else's hands.
So we were waiting to be ableto get in at our clinic again
for another transfer.
(04:19):
So we took a couple months, wedid another transfer over the
summer and that was just like atotal failed implantation.
So that felt like a huge stepbackwards because we thought,
since the first one had beenpositive, we would just run the
same play and it felt like wehad moved backwards, like we
didn't.
Like I'm a go, go, go person, Iwant to try everything, I want
to do every test.
(04:40):
And so when it didn't work thesecond time, candidly like it
fucking sucked.
So then I felt really empoweredto like become the diva of my
fertility clinic and be like Iam going to ask for every single
test you will give me, I willadvocate, I will read papers
about it and like tell you why Ithink it's the right thing.
And thankfully I was workingwith a practitioner who was
(05:01):
really down for that.
So we tried a bunch of stuff.
I did an ERA or like anendometrial receptivity
assessment.
That came back normalantiphospholipid antibodies that
came back normal, likeeverything was fine.
So I kind of just tried toground and like really, what was
it going to take for me to feelreally good?
And one thing I kind of feltthrough the first two transfers
(05:25):
was I was holding so much ofother people's hope, like we had
our own, that we wanted, but itwas like our families were
going to be so psyched, like ourfriends were going to be so
excited, and so for this lasttransfer, I was kind of like I
love it and I appreciate it, butI can't take, take it on.
And so we didn't tell anyone,we didn't tell our parents we
were doing it, we didn't tellour friends, we didn't like
(05:48):
nobody knew.
And it turned out to work inour favor, which was amazing,
and we finally got to like dothe process the way I think of,
like the normal version works.
So like we got to surprise ourfamilies and tell them we were
expecting over the holidayswhich was just beyond, and it
just felt like this really nicemoment of like we had just
(06:10):
tightened up the two of us.
We had like built this reallyfucking solid foundation and
like now we were moving.
So that's the short version,that's the headlines and that's
where we are.
Poor memory I have from thisprocess is needing to navigate,
giving and receiving aprogesterone shot.
On the night of the collegefootball playoffs we got tickets
(06:35):
to the OSU Tennessee game.
We were so psyched and at thetime we got the tickets we
didn't know if our embryotransfer was going to be
successful.
We got the tickets, we didn'tknow if our embryo transfer was
going to be successful.
So there was something in theback of our heads.
I think we were like on our wayto Costco where I said you know
, if this works, we're going tohave to figure out how to do a
shot in the show.
And my wife was like if we getto that point, we're going to be
(06:56):
so lucky and that was just kindof where we left it.
And so I think we found out aweek and a half before the game
that our transfer had stuck andI was expecting, and then we
went into this full tilt panicof like what are we going to do
with like this alive syringe,like filled with progesterone at
Ohio Stadium.
So we get there, we get to herwork tailgate and we're scoping
(07:17):
out, like is the porta potty bigenough for two people?
Like are we both going to fitin there?
Like can I hold my phone lightover my head so she can like see
my tush?
And like we can make it happen?
Um, and then she feels like Imean it feels like she has live
ammo in her coat because if thisshot like discharges, we're
going to have a real problem.
So we had done some, somequality control, some qc at the
(07:39):
crib before we left um, and weput some.
We put like a rubber bandaround the syringe and tested so
it like couldn't press down.
But I mean, this was, it wasvery D-list, but it was like
critical to making it happen,because the shot has to happen
at the same time every night.
So you're just kind of likeokay, I guess I'm going to
figure it out.
So I had scoped out, like whereare their single bathrooms?
(08:00):
Like can we bring in medicalsupplies?
Like what are we doing?
And so we end up going in.
We find a single bathroom.
I had packed like a hand warmerto put on after the shot,
because you have to like keep itwarm.
So she gave me the shot.
In this bathroom it was like 20degrees outside, I was freezing
, I've got the hand warmers inmy pants and we just rocked it
and saw the game.
(08:23):
Thoughts and advice for peoplewho are in it right now.
I feel like number one is likejust know that you're entitled
to support and be really clearwith people about what you need.
Like sometimes I would kind oftell people what was going on
and let them in, but I didn'tsay like it would be nice if you
checked in with me, or likeit's okay to ask me about what's
happening, like I would loveyour community.
So that's one thing.
(08:43):
Another piece of advice is Ifelt like as I got further into
it, I needed to practice someradical non-attachment to the
process and connection to theoutcome.
Like I am going to, we're goingto have our child come hell or
high water.
But if I was so attached to theprocess like I'd still be in a
puddle after the first IUI andyou kind of just need to like
(09:04):
shore yourself and like do whatyou need.
Like have your treat yourselftime and then keep it moving,
because otherwise, I mean, thisis really a marathon for a lot
of people.
It was not a sprint for us, andyou've got to sustain yourself.
You have to find joy where youcan.
You have to let your partnersupport you.
You have to let your petssupport you.
The pets are actually critical.
We brought in an animalcommunicator because we were
(09:27):
like having some shit go on withour pets.
It's like hardcore lesbian shit.
You have to know.
I mean, we're a Subaru family.
We have two Subarus between us.
Yes, you have to know it's likea serious situation here.
The most positive thing that'scome out of this experience for
(09:47):
me is like there is literallynothing I can't do.
I can go on PubMed and read apaper published by the NIH, like
about egg retrieval stats.
I can give myself a shot in mylove handle in an airport
bathroom, like I can do anything.
And this is just.
I mean it's just when you havea kid, I imagine like you have
to figure it out, like therejust has to be stuff that you're
(10:10):
you will do anything.
Yeah, I had 40 fucking eggs.
I had 40.
The egg retrieval recovery wasit was really hard.
It was really hard because myovaries were like the Chiquita
banana hat.
It was insane.
I, my ovaries were like theChiquita banana hat.
(10:30):
It was like it was insane.
I have PCOS, though, so that'slike that's the silver lining.
We got super lucky, so we gotnine PGT embryos like normal
embryos, yeah, and that's why itwas hard, because, like the egg
retrieval went so well, like wehad such a good outcome, and
they kept telling us like thisis not normal, this is not
(10:56):
normal.
I was, like, tell me something Idon't know.
Like okay, for the love of allthings special in this world,
please do not like impose yourexpectations on queer couples to
adopt.
I think everyone is entitled toadopt or like have a family in
whatever way they want, buteveryone is equally entitled to
experience pregnancy if theywant to, to adopt if they want
to, to have a blended family ifthey want to.
(11:17):
You can do whatever you want,but, like, every option should
be equally available to everyone, with zero judgment.
That's my TED talk.
That's my full TED talk.
Everyone's like you're going to, but aren't you going to check
into adopting?
I was like, bitch, you adopt?
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
Don't tell her.
I mean respect.
The fertility and infertilityprocess can like weigh on any
relationship.
I think for us it was reallyimportant for me and both of us
as a partnership to learn moreabout how the other person
processes disappointment,challenges, tough information
and ambiguity.
(11:53):
So I listened to this fertilitypodcast.
I learned that I'm a maximizer,which means if there is a
conflict or there's a challenge,literally no one in this house
will have another bite of foodor another sip of water until we
get to the bottom of this andfigure out the plan.
And my wife is lovingly.
The term they use is aminimizer, which means she's
just kind of kind of trying tofind peace in the process and
(12:16):
like she's okay lettingsomething slide.
So I think it's what makes us areally good partnership.
But in those moments where it'slike very gritty, it can be
tough for me to be like, okay,we are allowed to have food in
this moment while we like workthrough this, and for her to
just say I understand you need aminute to process and I'm
probably the primary audiencefor that.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
My name is Jesse.
I have four beautiful daughtersFrancesca is six.
I have identical twin daughters, conchetta and Isabella, who we
call Coco, and Bella, who arefour, and I have a two-year-old
named Giada.
I tried to get pregnant prettyquickly after I was married
(13:03):
around the age of 31, 32.
Nothing seemed to be working.
But you chalk it up toeverybody's lives are busy.
I'm working a lot, my husband'sworking a lot.
After about a year and a half orso, we decided like let's do a
little bit of intervention.
We sought the advice of a localfertility doctor here in
Columbus and, you know, withoutany blood work or any background
(13:28):
, you know he looked at me andsaid you look, you're young, you
look healthy.
I think this will probably bepretty easy.
He did a little blood work inthe office but sent me home with
a prescription for Clomid andabout 48 hours later I got a
call from the nurse and she saidyou should just stop taking
(13:48):
that prescription.
And I said why, you know?
And we didn't even do anythingyet and she said well, we got
your blood work back and there'sno way that's ever going to
work.
Your fertility age, on bloodwork, looks more like a 43 or 44
year old.
So the likelihood that you'llever have your own child is slim
.
And I will never forget.
I was in my garage, like on myway to work, and I just sort of
(14:10):
like fell to the ground andsomeone over the phone telling
you like you're never going tohave a baby, when that's all I
ever wanted was to be a mom andhave a baby.
So immediately I called myhusband, I called my mom.
My mom raced down to Columbusfrom Youngstown and we just sort
of started like what are wegoing to do next?
I'm very much like I need to bein action.
I wanted to know where do we gofrom here?
(14:32):
What can I do?
So of course I start orderingbooks on the Internet and
calling everybody I know,looking up every doctor in town.
This was all.
This language was just sort offoreign to me.
I didn't know what, any of theabbreviations, what FSH or AMH.
I didn't know what it meant.
So I'm Googling things as I'mgetting information over the
phone from this nurse.
(14:53):
And you know, I immediatelysought the advice of a second
doctor in Columbus who kind ofled me down the same path and
said I just don't think this isin the cards for you.
Then I started reaching out topeople I knew in the community
who I knew had been throughsimilar things, and my friend,
kate agreed to meet me forcoffee and we were friendly but,
you know, kind of knew eachother through workout class and
(15:15):
she had had a really positiveexperience with this doctor in
Cleveland.
So we met for coffee.
She gave me all the ins andouts of everything she had gone
through and I was like all right, I'm going to put her on my
list.
And and in the meantime I'dreached out to doctors in other
states.
I'd gone to Pittsburgh and justwas coming up nowhere, you know
, they would look at my mystatistics if you will and they
(15:36):
were just like oh, you know,this doesn't look good.
And I finally got an appointmentwith this doctor in Cleveland
and she was so awesome.
She sat down with my husbandand I and she she said I'm not
going to lie to you, I'm notgoing to steer you in the wrong
direction.
I'm going to tell you that I'mwilling to like take you on as a
patient, but I would give youlike about a 5% chance of having
(15:59):
a live pregnancy.
And I just heard like chance,chance, chance.
Like you know, I think myhusband was more like 5%, you
know, but I I was like that'sall I needed to hear and I just
started immediately.
We started going through allthe protocols and we did, you
know, had to go through all thechannels.
You know she had to try theIUIs.
Of course she knew they weren'tgoing to work, but she's like
(16:21):
we need to do like a stepthrough to get to the next spot.
And I basically just spent thenext year and a half at the
Cleveland Clinic, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth
.
I just wouldn't stop.
I found sort of a littlenetwork and family up there.
These girls that worked in theclinic became like family.
They were really invested in mysituation and my story.
(16:41):
And you know they had protocolsthere that you know we weren't
going to do a retrieval for anembryo unless you had X amount
of follicles and that was nevergoing to happen for me.
So this angel of a nurse, laura, said to me one day after I had
had an appointment.
She said you only have onefollicle.
She's like it's expensive to dosurgery.
(17:03):
It's hard on your body to getthat, to go in there and see if
there's anything there.
But I'm going to advocate foryou today.
If you want me to that, we'rejust going to do it.
And I'm like, if I have one, Iwant to do it every time.
I want to go in every time, aslong as I have one.
You know, and I think even thedoctors were a little bit like,
oh, I don't think this is agreat idea.
And I just said I want to do it, that's what I want to do.
(17:25):
And from there that was sort ofmy new protocol was if I have
one that looks good, we're goingin for the surgery.
I did this I don't even know howmany times like six, seven, and
sometimes it would be there wasnothing there when I woke up
from the surgery.
Sometimes there would be one,sometimes there would be two,
(17:46):
and neither one of them wouldmake it.
And you know, I just kept going.
I kept thinking to myself thewhole time I'm not going to let
this get me down.
I'm not going to be negative.
I would just smile and say like, let me know when I can start
the next round, just let me knowI'm ready.
And we did this over and overand over again until I had three
embryos and once I got my thirdembryo, after I don't know six
(18:10):
or seven, seven rounds of doingthis, my doctor said I think
it's time we have to try one now.
She's like you can't keepputting your body through this
and we've got enough that Ithink we could.
Maybe we could have one babyhere.
So my first attempt was having.
I only put one in and got aperfectly healthy, wonderful
little girl and I thought thisis it?
(18:34):
Like that's all, that's, that'sall it'll be, probably, and
that is wonderful.
I'm so content and happy, um,and you know, then you sort of
get hooked and by the time, um,she was one.
Uh, my husband and I thoughtlet's have one more, let's do
one more, let's try it one more.
And my doctor said to me likewe are not doing ivf again, your
body can't take it.
(18:55):
There's really, I really don'tthink there's any.
We got everything.
I think we're gonna get out ofyou.
Um, so you have two chances andif they they don't work, we
have to just be grateful.
You have a baby and I, athousand percent.
I was on board for that.
I went in.
I had another transfer done.
They put in that one embryo.
Two weeks later I took theblood tests positive pregnancy I
(19:18):
was just like stunned.
You know it was.
It was like everything and morethat I ever wanted.
And then it was March of 2020,covid hit and I went in for my
ultrasound on March 16th.
Nobody knew what was goingalong on, but my husband
couldn't come with me.
They had me like wrap a scarfaround my face so like because
(19:40):
we weren't doing masks yet.
But everyone was confused and Igo in to get my ultrasound and
they, they do the ultrasound andthe lady's looking at the chart
and she's looking at the screen.
She's looking at the chart andshe's like how many eggs did you
put in?
I said just one.
And she's like, well, that'scrazy because there's two babies
in there.
So my embryo split and I hadidentical twins and it was like
(20:01):
mind-blowing.
I actually didn't really evenconceive that that could be no
pun intended, that that could bea no pun intended, that that
could be a possibility.
I guess I maybe heard it alongthe way, but I was just blown
away.
So then we had identical twindaughters and our house was so
crazy, so crazy and so much funand it was just everything I
(20:22):
ever wanted.
And then fast forward to theirfirst birthday Wasn't feeling so
great and I found out I wasspontaneously pregnant with my
fourth child.
It was my first pregnancy.
I had never before, in theeight years I tried to get
pregnant, had never had apositive pregnancy test.
(20:42):
I never got pregnant andmiscarried.
I never, ever, I just never hadhad been pregnant on my own.
So I got pregnant for the firsttime at 40 and delivered her at
41.
And she's like a miracle babyso wonderful, so loving and
happy and she completes ourfamily.
And, yeah, my advice to anyonegoing through this right now
(21:09):
would be don't stop.
If your first answer is no,don't listen to every protocol
along the way.
You know I think about it allthe time.
If I would have listened to theprotocol that you know we don't
retrieve unless we have threeembryos, I would probably have
no kids, or three follicles.
I guess I should say I probablywouldn't have any kids.
I would have just taken it forface value and said, well, I
(21:33):
didn't make it this time or Idon't have enough to do the
retrieval.
And I think finding someone toadvocate for you and what you
feel is right for you and inyour heart, that you know your
body the best.
I just I didn't stop at thefirst.
No, I didn't stop at the first.
No, I didn't stop at the second.
No, I didn't stop at the third.
No, I just kept looking forsomeone that was willing to help
(21:53):
me.
Infertility impacts your mentalhealth and your relationships in
a big way.
It's hard, it's hard, to be atthat age where all your friends
are having kids and yoursiblings are having kids and
you're watching people throwfirst birthday, your siblings
are having kids and you'rewatching people throw first
birthday parties and you'rethere and you're supportive and
(22:14):
you're just wishing it was you.
It's challenging because youknow you want to be the best
friend and the best everythingyou can, best spouse, but it is
all-encompassing.
You know I I had a hard timefocusing on anything other than
that.
It's just you kind of narrow inand it's a little bit isolating
.
And I was so fortunate that mybest friend from childhood lived
(22:37):
five minutes from the ClevelandClinic.
So I took it as an opportunityto, you know, have weekday
sleepovers and get to be aroundher children more, and I didn't
struggle as much with the.
I love kids so much that I wasjust so grateful to be around
all my friends' kids and mysister's kids as much as I could
.
I embrace that like auntie role, but you know it did sting a
(22:59):
little bit.
You.
You just look at all thesepeople and you're thinking, god,
when's it going to be my turn?
My advice to people on theoutside to support people going
through this is to let them knowyou're there, but not to ask
too many questions if they don'tseem like they want to talk
(23:21):
about it.
Kind of read the room.
I think a lot of the thingsthat are cliche, that people say
it'll happen or just relax, andif someone really has a good
experience to share, I thinkthat's one thing.
I was so lucky I had so muchsupport from people.
Out of this experience I gaineda ton.
I gained the confidence inmyself to know that I can
(23:45):
advocate for what I want, forwhat I want, and speak up to
people and in situations whenit's something that is really
that important.
I also gained this greatpassion for helping other women.
I think one of the things thatcomes with infertility is stigma
(24:08):
and I think if we're not openabout it, you can't help each
other.
You know I always remind peoplelike you didn't do anything
wrong.
This is not something that youknow.
I understand it's.
It's sensitive, but it doesn'thave to be private.
I always think about the girlthat helped me.
If she wouldn't have been openabout what she went through, I
would have never known what shehad been through and I would
(24:31):
have never found my doctor.
So I have spent, you know,countless hours with people on
the phone that I don't even know, just connected through friends
of friends, and they've becomefriends of mine and I think
about them often and I check inon them often and and on them
(24:54):
often.
And it's really given meanother purpose, because I think
that the more we're vocal, themore people we can help.
Speaker 4 (25:40):
Thank you, I'm Allie.
My fertility journey ended withme not having children.
So I got married when I was 30years old and started trying,
you know, almost right away,naturally the old-fashioned way,
and it just wasn't happening.
So I went into other options.
I started, I saw anacupuncturist.
(26:02):
He gave me herbs.
I started seeing my doctor.
I started seeing my doctor.
We did some testing.
My husband had to go in andhave his sample specimen tested
(26:23):
and really it was unexplainedand there was no answers that
anyone could give me.
And so the next step is IUI,which I'm sure a lot of people
have been through, is IUI, whichI'm sure a lot of people have
been through, and I can vividlyremember being at the doctor's
office getting inseminated whileon my BlackBerry that's how
long ago it was on my BlackBerrylaying on my back answering
emails as I was hopefullygetting pregnant in that moment.
(26:46):
We tried that three times andthe next step was, you know, ivf
.
We were sitting across from ourfertility doctor and you know
she was very direct.
You're in your thirties,there's not much time left.
It's time to start with thenext step.
We have to start with themedications, the egg retrieval,
(27:06):
start thinking aboutimplantation.
And I just at that moment justpaused and I didn't think I
could do it.
It was something in me thatjust said I don't know if I'm
really prepared mentally or inthe right headspace to really
think about doing that.
And so I said to her I think Ineed to think about it.
(27:29):
And she said there's no time.
You need to do it as soon aspossible.
And so I remember my husbandand I left and we saw each other
in the parking lot.
We were going our separate waysto our offices and I looked at
him and I said I don't know thatI can do this or make this
decision right now.
Long story short, we didn'tdecide to go that route.
(27:49):
I couldn't do it.
There was just I had spoken totoo many people who have done it
, who had done it, who said tome things like I don't know if I
would have done this if I knewhow hard it was, or this was
really detrimental to mymarriage, or now I have these
embryos and I don't know what todo with them, because I had a
(28:10):
baby or twins and I don't knowwhat to do now with these
embryos, and it was a reallyawful feeling for them.
And so at the time it that timein my life and what my mental
state was and what was going onaround me, I just didn't think
that I could do that.
And the whole fertility processand trying to get pregnant and
(28:31):
the timed intercourse and allthat stuff was not doing wonders
for our relationship at all.
And so I just really decided toprotect that relationship and
work on that, as opposed tocontinuing to push us forward,
because really, he left it up,my husband left it up to me.
It was really my decision andwe decided to just see what
(28:55):
would happen, naturally.
And then I think theculminating moment was I was
with my grandmother.
She was dying and I was havingsome last moments with her and
she looked at me and said justenjoy your life.
Enjoy your life, don't thinkabout what you don't have, think
about what you do have, thinkabout the life that you can
(29:16):
enjoy right now.
And I just in that moment,decided I was just going to
figure out what my purpose wasand find a way to just enjoy
what I had, and that's what I'vebeen doing ever since enjoy
what I had, and that's what I'vebeen doing ever since.
(29:41):
This journey was reallydifficult for me personally.
I had always dreamt of becomingpregnant and being a mom and I
was throwing my entire self intoit at the expense of my mental
health.
Our relationship suffered.
So I was, and there was lots ofother things going on with me
personally, but I was going totherapy every week to sort of
grapple with what was coming upfor me and I were seeing a
(30:06):
therapist because the pressurebeing placed on us to, you know,
go through these treatments orschedule sex with each other
that was really wreaking havocon our relationship and I was
not my best self during thattime.
I treated my husband terriblyand, you know, said things like
(30:31):
all you have to do is have sex,like what's wrong with you, why
can't you just perform when Ineed you to Really just awful
things, and it really hurt himand it hurt our relationship and
I would say it's stillsomething we have to overcome in
terms of our intimacy and howcomfortable we are in those
moments, because it was such atraumatic thing for us.
(30:52):
I think going to therapytogether and working through
those moments with someone thatcould help us communicate more
effectively was really helpfulin us remaining married through
that time.
You know now we're 20 yearsmarried, but at the time we got
married when we were 30, thatwas very early on in our
(31:13):
relationship, very early days tobe putting that much pressure
on us.
So it was really.
It really impacted me myselfand my own mental health, but
also our relationship as well.
I think there's a lot ofpressure being placed on women
and I certainly felt thepressure to, or the questions
(31:34):
would inevitably come up whydon't you have children?
What's up with that?
I remember being in my mid 30sin New York City trying to build
my career at my company.
I was finally with theseexecutives and we were out after
work and having a few beers andthe question comes up hey,
allie, you know, how long haveyou been married?
(31:55):
Oh, why don't you have kids?
And I, you know being an openbook type of person, I said well
, you know, we tried, it didn'thappen.
We've gone through someinfertility treatments, but you
know, right now we're just goingto see what happens and give
myself a break from all of that.
And his response to me was well, you must not have tried hard
enough.
And that felt like a punch tothe gut.
(32:19):
Honestly, it was.
Um, I didn't have a wittycomeback for him at the time.
I just kind of shrunk intomyself and made myself smaller
and tried to change theconversation, but that judgment
that I felt and then theresulting feelings of, you know,
not being good enough, beinginferior, being less of a woman,
(32:44):
was really overwhelming in thatmoment.
If it was today, I wouldprobably say, because I knew him
and I knew he had a daughterI'd probably say something like
would you say something likethat to your daughter if she was
struggling right now?
It's a really cruel thing foryou to say, and it's actually
(33:05):
none of your business.
That's what I would have said,but I just didn't say anything.
Actually, the man who was withme said another man said to me
would you like to leave?
And I said yes.
One of the biggest things thathappened during that time was
(33:27):
that, obviously, when you'remarried, you're going to get
questions about when you'regoing to have kids, and I had
lots of well-intentioned peoplesending me books about
infertility or recommendingtherapies or, um, you know,
pushing me to do IVF.
You can do it, just just go forit.
Save the money, um and I knowit was all coming from a good
(33:50):
place.
I think this is so hard for meto say because I am such an open
book and I'll tell anyoneanything about my life.
I think I would have kept morequiet about what was happening
and really kept it between Joeand I and really had more
answered more in the you know Ireally would rather not talk
(34:13):
about it.
It's something Joe and I areworking through together and I
would just appreciate giving mesome space.
I really wish I had held itmore sacred and not made it such
an open thing, because it justinvites more commentary and
invites more well-intentionedadvice that I didn't really need
and felt overwhelming and Ithink I just I think I would
(34:37):
have been more private about it.
One of my biggest regrets duringthe journey is really
abandoning the care for myrelationship with my husband in
the quest to get pregnant of achild.
I really let my focus on ourrelationship go and the
(35:01):
relationship paid the price forit.
At the end of the day, even ifyou go through this struggle and
you end up getting pregnant andhaving a baby, you still have
to have a relationship with thatperson and raise that child
together and then have a lifeafter that child inevitably has
their own life.
So I wish I hadn't sacrificedso much of our relationship in
this quest of getting pregnant,but it took a really big toll.
(35:28):
The positive outcome of me andJoe making this decision to
pause everything around theinfertility process and just
live our lives is that I'vereally found a lot of joy and
fulfillment out of being areally special and present aunt,
(35:48):
chosen aunt by my friends andfamily.
I have such specialrelationships with the young
people and children in my lifeand I've derived so much
fulfillment out of it, and mysister always tells me that I'm
a spiritual mother, that it'ssomething that I was really born
to do.
But I get to share that with somany other children than just
(36:12):
my own.
And no, no, the other day I wasmeditating on it and it just
(36:34):
felt I and attention to allthese important children in my
life my friends' children, mysister's children and it's meant
the world to me and I'm reallyfulfilled by it and it really
makes me happy to play that role.
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