April 18, 2025 • 41 mins
In this episode, I’m walking you through my full story — the highs, the heartbreaks, the hospital rooms, the quiet breakdowns, the Clomid, the IUIs, the IVF, the separation, all the decisions… all of it.
You’ll hear about Jade, Angel, and Hope...the daughters we lost.
You’ll hear how we almost gave up.
And you’ll see how Dane and Kyle came into this world in a way I never imagined, but wouldn’t change for a second.
If you’re walking through infertility, loss, or the brutal in-between where your life doesn’t look how you thought it would… this one’s for you.
It’s raw. It’s unfiltered. And it’s the story I’ve never fully told — until now.
#TheKeriCroftShow #InfertilitySeries #InfertilityAwarenessMonth #1in6 #InfertilityJourney #YouAreNotAlone #PregnancyLoss #realtalk
To learn more about Keri's Dream Surrogate Workshop go to: https://kericroft.com/surrogacy-workshop
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Mention KERI for $100 off your first treatment at Donaldson.
Use code CROFT for $25 off your first visit at Boss Gal Beauty Bar.
Book your appointment at Headspace by Mia Santiago today at https://miasantiago.glossgenius.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Keri Croft Show.
This episode has been a longtime coming.
For over a decade I've carriedthis story close to my heart
because living it was hardenough.
Now, telling it that's a wholedifferent kind of brave.
But today I'm finally ready tounpack the full journey, our
(00:21):
personal roller coaster throughinfertility, loss, love and
everything in between.
It's messy and it's complicated.
It's layered with decisionsthat not everyone will
understand, and that's exactlywhy it matters.
I've stayed quiet about some ofthe darkest chapters, but the
truth is silence doesn't protectus, it isolates us, and I know
(00:45):
I'm not the only one who's hadto fight like hell for a dream
that felt just out of reach.
There are parts of this storythat are beautiful, others are
gut-wrenching, some arecontroversial.
All of them they're real.
If you've ever had to grieve aversion of life you thought
you'd have, if you've ever feltlike your body, your timing or
(01:07):
the universe betrayed you, butyou showed up anyway, kept
fighting anyway and found a wayto write a new ending this one's
for you.
My name is Carrie and I am theproud mom of Dane, who is six
(01:31):
and a half years old, and Kyle,who is 20 months old.
My infertility journey.
You know, looking back on itit's still kind of hard to
believe all of the stuff that wewent through as a couple to try
and build this family of ours.
I look at where I'm at now andwhere our family is now and you
(01:52):
can't help but believe thatthere's a reason for things and
a higher purpose for things.
But, man, we went through agrind, an absolute grind, to
have our family.
Our infertility journey startedin 2006.
Brady and I had just gottenmarried in the winter and we
(02:12):
came off of this incrediblewedding and it was so beautiful
and everything you could haveever imagined.
And we had a honeymoon inHawaii and I was thinking to
myself, wow, does it get anybetter than this?
It was just such an incrediblynow that I look back on it
innocent and naive time.
I just felt like I had gotteneverything I would ever have
(02:32):
dreamt as a little girl.
And I got pregnant reallyeasily and we got married in
December and by March I waspregnant.
It's funny, I didn't believe it.
I was like there's no way I'mpregnant.
So there we were, we were onour way to see the gender and I
remember this day.
(02:53):
It's like branded in my souland my heart forever.
But it was my mom, my husbandBrady and I.
We were in the room waiting forDr Shepard and I remember kind
of jumping up and down, we weretrying to get the baby to stir
around a little bit and we werejoking around.
It was obviously a very joyousoccasion.
It was a joyous moment.
(03:13):
You know, you're finding outthe gender of your first baby I
mean how exciting.
And Shep dog, as I call her now,walked in, she turned the
lights off, put the jelly on mybelly and started to do her
thing.
And you know, as most people dowhen they're in moments like
(03:33):
this, you know you're staring atthe doctor or you're staring at
the technician and you'relooking for any sort of signs of
emotion or anything going on,because there's nerves
underneath all the excitementgoing on, because there's nerves
underneath all the excitement.
And I just noticed her, herdisposition changed and she was
just staring sort of blank intothe screen and so my excitement
(03:56):
kind of turned toward like whoa,what, what's going on?
And she said you see that thatspot right there, that's the
baby's brain brain.
You know she's missing hercerebellum.
I don't even know.
I think that moment I was insuch shock.
Um, it was, it was something,and so they took me into a room
(04:21):
and they did some other bloodtests to kind of figure out
specifically what was going on.
But it wasn't going to be good.
So, brady and my mom and Ithere's a little bench outside
of the doctor's office and Iremember sitting in between the
two of them and they were bothreally emotional.
(04:43):
I just remember sitting thereand I was just kind of them and
they were both really emotional.
I just remember sitting thereand I was just kind of numb.
That's a freight train Likethat's a freight train that hits
you so hard and you're neverthe same.
So we get home.
The first phone call I made wasto my dad and I said something's
wrong with the baby.
I remember a lot of tears andyou know, now you're faced with
(05:10):
this decision that no, no oneshould ever have to be faced
with.
You don't know if she's goingto pass away in vitro.
You don't know if she's goingto make it out and when she does
(05:33):
.
It was horrifying, horrifying.
And I can remember Brady and Ihaving the conversation.
He says what if I was meant todo this?
And I remember specificallysaying to him I can't do this.
This is the first time I'vereally talked publicly about our
(05:55):
choice to deliver Angel early.
There's just so much to talkabout and this is a big
conversation, but it's somethingI do want to come out and say
Like we made this choice todeliver our baby early.
A woman's right to choose hasalways been important to me, but
I've lived this and Iunderstand the gravity and the
(06:19):
just the horrible decision thatyou have to make and just I feel
like that is a woman's right todo that and it's not for
somebody else to tell herwhether she can or can't.
And it was the worst, hardestdecision that I've ever had to
make.
The thing that Dr Shepard I'llnever forget her saying to me is
(06:41):
you know, carrie, no one knowswhat they would do in this
situation.
You really don't, and untilyou're in that situation, you
have no idea.
No idea what that's like orwhat it feels like to be faced
with that.
(07:10):
So we deliver Angel early andall of the emotional, physical
turmoil that comes with that youknow we dealt with and
eventually we ended up.
You know it's like okay, timeto get back on the horse again
and you know there was no realreason to believe that I
wouldn't be able to conceiveagain.
But months went by and westarted doing Clomid, we did
some IUIs, we did everything wepossibly could and nothing was
(07:32):
working.
So we end up delivering Angelat 21 weeks and you know the
emotional and physical turmoilthat followed.
That was intense.
I don't think anybody everprepares you for that situation.
I certainly was not prepared,you know, based on the fact that
(07:55):
she had such a, she had agenetic abnormality that created
these issues.
So there was a lot of testingdone.
They did testing on myself andBrady.
So there was about a two-weekwait and I got a phone call from
the nurse and she said you know, your husband carries a
balanced translocation.
(08:16):
I'm like, okay, I'd never heardof that before.
Why would I have heard of that?
So then of course, I go intofull.
You know I talked to him aboutit.
I was actually hoping that itwas me, because I I knew the
ripple effects of that, theguilt, the shame.
You know that was just anotherlayer or complexity that we were
(08:36):
going to have to deal with.
So I go into research mode.
I start looking into what thefuck is a balanced translocation
, the genetic things that can goon when you get pregnant are
wild and you just don't know,because you don't know A
balanced translocation.
There are two different typesthere's a Robertsonian and
(08:56):
there's a reciprocal, andbasically your chromosomes are
normal, all of them add up, buttwo of the chromosomes sort of
flip-flop, but still createequal amounts of DNA on each
side.
When you go to procreate,though, since those two were
switched, then it creates thisclusterfuck.
(09:17):
So we go into the world of IVF,the world of IVF, and
unfortunately for me, I was nota big egg producer.
We did a couple of rounds ofIVF and they just weren't great.
So I think I'd gotten maybe sixeggs.
That's not even a great number,but then when you put the fact
(09:39):
that you've got less normalsperm, so, long story short, it
was not a great environment tocreate a normal embryo.
So when you're in a situationlike this, where you've got
statistics that you've got to,you know, get these normal sperm
, you have to have a lot of eggs.
The more eggs, the more chancesthe normal sperm hit the egg.
(10:00):
So for me, not being a greategg producer and us having this
situation, it was not a greatenvironment, clearly, to create
a child During this time whenthings weren't working and my
age was creeping up.
Stress and tension are beingcreated.
All of your friends are havingchildren, me just being the sort
(10:22):
of relentless action, getthings done person.
I mean.
Can you imagine, you know, withmy personality and my makeup
not being able to figure outthis Rubik's cube?
I mean years we had gone toadoption groups, decided that I
(10:55):
was not, he was not ready forthat.
We had looked into sperm donor.
That was didn't work out.
We took breaks.
We went on vacations.
That didn't work out.
We took breaks, we went onvacations.
We tried again.
I mean, there's so manydifferent ways.
We tried to get back on thehorse, but nothing, nothing was
working.
(11:19):
And, luckily for me, I havealways been a business person.
I've always had this drive andambition to grow a business or
businesses, and so I was able tothrow myself into, at the time,
corporate America.
And then I took the leap andwent and start, you know, built
this fitness brand.
We had decided like, hey, Idon't think this is going to
(11:40):
happen for us, and so Ibasically threw myself into the
business I was building and Igave it everything I had and
then some.
And I think the positive thingfrom that is that it grew into a
really special you know, withthe team that we built and
(12:02):
everything we were able to do inthe community.
It grew into a reallysuccessful business and
community and I was extremelyfulfilled by that and I thank
God for that opportunity and thepeople that came across my path
at that time and that I wasable to become a part of that
(12:23):
community and together we wereable to create something really,
really phenomenal.
But, that being said, I stillhad this hole.
It just felt like the only wayto describe it is it's this dark
hole and it feels like thisemptiness and no matter what, I
just couldn't shake it.
(12:44):
And so I went to Bali when Iwas 40 for my yoga training and
I spent 35 days there by myself,in a hut, which was helpful, I
guess, and I just remember I wasjust.
You know, I thought I was done,but I wasn't done.
(13:04):
And did I always want to be amother?
Yes, I've always wanted to be amom, but when I would think
about us building a family ornot being able to build a family
, the first vision I would haveis Brady with a child on his
shoulders walking ahead of me.
(13:25):
He's a teacher and he was acoach.
Who better to be a father thanBrady?
And I also knew that he wasstuffing.
He was stuffing down the know.
He was stuffing down thebalance, translocation the guilt
, the shame us not being able tohave kids.
You know he was stuffing and weall know what happens when you
(13:47):
stuff.
You know when you stuff, likeif it was a jar sitting here and
we could see the jar and I'mthrowing cotton in the jar, just
keep throwing it in.
It looks fine for a while,looks fine for a while, but
eventually, all of a sudden, thecotton is going to come up.
It's going to come up and it'sgoing to bubble over.
And it's the same thing thathappens with your emotions.
It's the same thing thathappens with unresolved shit.
(14:10):
It will bubble over.
I really, really wanted a familyfor us, for him, for me, for us
.
I knew he could do it.
I knew, with all the researchthat I did, so many men have
abnormal sperm.
When I started thinking aboutit I'm like, okay, this is all
(14:30):
statistics, this is allprobability.
If I had a bunch of eggs andhis sperm, we could do this.
And then it hit me.
I was like, wait a minute, whyam I not looking at an donor?
I'm totally fine with that.
Like I had, I had sat with allof these different options and
the idea of never havingchildren for years.
(14:51):
So there's no knee jerkreaction here Like this is.
This was a slow burn over timeand when it hit me I was like,
oh my God, of course.
And when it hit me I was like,oh my God, of course, if I can
convince him.
So in my mind I had alreadymade the decision like I really
think we should do this, weshould try to use an egg donor.
And of course that sounds crazyand I've never talked about
(15:12):
this publicly before until nowand I've been wanting to talk
about it because it's part ofour story and it's very
important.
But it's a wild thing, kind ofsimilar to surrogacy, right,
like you hear about it, andyou're like what, what the fuck.
So I approached him with theidea of getting an egg donor and
(15:33):
of course he was like you arebatshit crazy.
And I was like, well, you knowwhat I might be, but I think
this is a great idea.
And I was like, at a minimum,it will satisfy my.
I had this need and desire toreally see that like we could
create these normal embryos withhis sperm.
(15:55):
I mean, I was like it was likethis itch I couldn't scratch,
but I knew in my heart that if Iwas right and we were
successful, that we wouldultimately try to implant said
embryo.
So I'm like let's just takethis one step at a time.
So anyone who's ever gonethrough the process of looking
for a donor egg or sperm, it'swild.
(16:17):
I mean.
You question everything.
You question when they saytruth is stranger than fiction.
You're like this is whatthey're talking about.
You go through all thesedifferent profiles and you know,
I can imagine it being sort oflike a dating app, but like 20
times scarier and weirder.
So we had gone through, or Ihad gone through, and I would
(16:40):
just show him certain things.
I probably went through like Idon't know four or five people
that I really liked, but then Istumbled across the one and
there were a lot of reasons anda lot of things I loved about
her and I just felt thisinteresting connection with her
and so the rest is history.
(17:02):
So we, we used her and she.
Her.
Her cycle was very successful.
We were able to get, I think, atthe end of the day, it was
probably like 11 or 12 normalembryos and I always knew I was.
I was like there's a little boyout there and he's in the
universe somewhere and I'm andI'm bringing him home.
Um, he's in the universesomewhere and I'm bringing him
(17:22):
home.
It's like I knew he was outthere.
It's the strangest thing, it'snot the normal way, but the way
that Dane came to me to me waslike the most beautiful and that
(17:44):
I was you, you know, using thiscrazy process and it took so
much courage and belief and ittook a lot of things to decide
that that was going to be theway things were going to go down
.
But ultimately too, in my heart, like I was more than okay with
it.
I was more than okay with it.
I don't know, it wasotherworldly to me.
(18:07):
So, yeah, we used an egg donorand I'm so grateful for the
donor.
I wouldn't change a thing withhim.
I wouldn't change a thing withKyle.
You know, would you ever askfor this hard situation?
Of course not.
Nobody would ask for it.
But I would never trade thesekids for anything in the world.
(18:27):
You know, I don't know.
I'm just so, so grateful.
When I got pregnant with Dane, Iwas so like.
It just felt so right, I was soexcited and everything was in
(18:47):
place and it just felt like wewere in such a great spot.
Of course, the pregnancy wasnot without drama.
I mean, I'm sure that doesn'tsurprise you.
I'll make a very long storyshort.
I ended up with kidney stones.
I was in the hospital.
They noticed a short cervix.
The alarm bells went offbecause of my situation so they
almost put me on hospital bedrest for the rest of my term.
Thank god they didn't.
(19:09):
We went home and they watchedus very closely, because a short
cervix can mean bad situation,which we'll get to in a little
bit.
But everything, thank god,ended up beautifully with Dane.
Delivery was beautiful and Imean just I'm so, so grateful
that it ended up the way that itdid.
Man life can be real tough, butthere can be so many beautiful
(19:36):
things that come out of it.
How many beautiful things thatcome out of it.
This journey impacted my mentalhealth significantly.
It's going to impact anyone'smental health significantly.
(19:57):
It affects your marriage, itaffects your relationships with
everybody around you and it'svery, very challenging to
navigate.
So my advice for anybody who'sgoing through it would be just
do your best, you know, get yourgame plan together, communicate
(20:17):
openly with your partner, giveyour partner grace and know that
they're not going to handlethings the exact same way that
you are.
And if you are in aheterosexual relationship, the
male is going to experience thisdifferently than you.
It's the way it's designed.
I don't know, you know, ask theuniverse.
(20:38):
But they're going to handlethemselves differently.
So, communicating openly,therapy is so helpful, so
important, and it's not anegative thing, it's such a
positive thing, it's a proactivething.
Therapy for anyone is important.
But when you're going throughthis, just to kind of have
somebody in the middle, justmaybe moving your lens over a
(21:02):
little bit so you can see alittle bit clearer into somebody
else's perspective, is a gift.
So do it, do it early, do itoften.
My advice for people who are onthe outside, on the periphery
maybe, who haven't really dealtwith this situation, or if you
(21:24):
are dealing with someone in yourlife who is going through this
say less.
Ask questions gently, but notout of your own weird curiosity
more around.
How are you?
How can I support you?
I don't know how you're feelingand I would really love to know
(21:45):
, like how could I make you feelbetter or what could I do to
quietly support you, and theanswer could be nothing but damn
.
I mean the fact that you tookthe time to ask and the fact
that you want to take action onmy behalf, you know that is so,
(22:06):
so incredible.
That's such.
That's friendship.
I mean this goes without saying, but I do feel like if
someone's confiding in you withtheir infertility journey or any
journey, keep it sacred.
It's not for your phone tree,it's not for your neighbor next
door, like it's not for you tobe a carrier pigeon to go talk
(22:27):
shit about.
Oh, I mean, that's notfriendship, and if you think it
is, you may want to think again.
It's not.
So hold their story sacred asyou would your own.
There are so many positivethings that came out of this
experience.
For me, it reaffirmed what Ialready knew about myself, which
(22:50):
is I'm brave, I'm confident,I'm strong, I can do hard things
.
I can take a situation that isless than ideal and sometimes
horrible, and I can move throughit.
It and I can see the other sideand find the gifts in it.
I mean that type of shit isimportant in life, no matter
(23:13):
what you're dealing with, youknow to be able to take a card
that life has dealt and say ohwell, that card sucks.
This card sucks pretty bad, buthow am I going to play my hand?
The situation also made meextremely empathetic and
compassionate to other people'splights, the way that I attack a
(23:34):
situation.
So if I hear something thatI've never experienced or a
situation that could potentiallybe something that you would
judge quickly or reflexivelyhave an opinion on, the first
thing I say to myself is have Iexperienced this?
Have I walked the path thatthis person is walking?
If the answer is no, then Istep back and I first of all
(23:55):
plead ignorance.
I'm ignorant to this.
I don't know what that feelslike.
And then I give grace, becausewhen you are faced with a
situation that's difficult, youdeserve some grace from people,
from yourself especially.
And then sometimes I just shutthe fuck up.
I don't have to have an opinionon everything, and that's
(24:19):
something that I'm actuallyreally grateful that I have.
I have an insane amount ofcompassion and wisdom around the
fact that the human conditioncan get extremely messy and very
complicated, and it doesn'twarrant everybody's opinion all
(24:40):
the time at all.
All the time At all, advice forsomeone who's considering using
egg or sperm donor.
So this is something that I,fortunately was able to sit with
(25:00):
for a very, very long time and,you know, thought I was never
going to have children and Imean just really took my time
with all of that.
So by the time it came to thatdecision, I was like, oh my God,
yes, and I was excited andtotally aligned with it and that
, I think, has shown through andwe're starting to talk to Dane,
(25:20):
you know, dropping little bitsof information so that he always
knows and that Kyle alwaysknows and it's part of their
story.
You need to feel right with it.
You need to sit with it andreally feel rooted in the fact
that it's the right decision foryou, because if it's not and
you're sort of trying to likefit a square peg into a round
(25:44):
hole your kids are going to knowthat and ultimately, you know
these children grow into adultsand if you're not 100% with
things, they're going to feel itand so I just take your time
with any of that stuff.
That would be my best advice.
(26:09):
This situation impacted myrelationship significantly and
what I'll say here is it's okayIf your marriage is going
through a hard time overinfertility or anything else,
it's okay, it's going to happen.
(26:31):
Marriage is challenging.
It's two people coming togetherand living together through
everything and just common sensewill tell you like you're going
to go through some shit.
Brady and I definitely had ourshare of really hard times.
We separated separated for awhile.
I don't want to say too muchabout our relationship because I
don't want to jinx it, but weare in a space today with these
kids where I'm like I cannotbelieve it.
(26:52):
I can't believe that we're hereand it's so special and I'm so
proud of it.
I'm so proud of thecommunication, the honesty, the
respect.
He is such an incredible thedad that he is is.
It far exceeds those visionsthat I ever had in my head about
(27:13):
him being a father.
And you know I didn't know itwas always going to go that way.
You know we went through somereally hard times and he went
through some really hard timesindividually facing all this.
I mean, imagine it.
You discover you have thissituation that caused an issue
with your daughter that you hadto deliver early.
I mean, what a grind mentally.
(27:34):
And then you know your wife'strying to, you know, get you to
use a sperm donor or adopt orget an egg donor or use a
surrogate.
All these things are like wildand are going to impact you
mentally.
And so, yeah, we went throughreally, really, really low times
.
And I tell you that because ifyou are going through a really
(27:55):
low time, there's hope.
There really really is.
You have to work hard and loveeach other and see yourself
through that person's eyes andjust be willing to be malleable.
And I don't know, fight, fight.
You know if something is worthit, fight for it.
I just don't think we fight forthings enough anymore.
Just, you know things that areworth it you have to fight for,
(28:21):
so fight, damn it.
To fight for, so fight, damn it.
If you've made it to the end ofthis episode, thank you Truly.
It means more than I can putinto words.
This story wasn't easy to tell,but I know that somewhere out
there, someone needed to hear it.
If that someone is you, pleaseknow you're not alone.
(28:43):
And if this episode moved you,if it made you feel seen, heard
or just a little less alone, Iwould love for you to share it.
Tag me on Instagram, shoot me aDM, leave a comment or drop a
review.
I read every single message andyour words remind me why this
work matters.
You can find more resources,ways to connect and everything
(29:05):
on building over atkerrycroftcom.
Thank you again for listening,thank you for holding space and
thank you for being part of thisconversation.
And until next time, keepmoving, baby.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Keri Croft Show.
This episode has been a longtime coming.
For over a decade I've carriedthis story close to my heart
because living it was hardenough.
Now, telling it that's a wholedifferent kind of brave.
But today I'm finally ready tounpack the full journey, our
(00:21):
personal roller coaster throughinfertility, loss, love and
everything in between.
It's messy and it's complicated.
It's layered with decisionsthat not everyone will
understand, and that's exactlywhy it matters.
I've stayed quiet about some ofthe darkest chapters, but the
truth is silence doesn't protectus, it isolates us, and I know
(00:45):
I'm not the only one who's hadto fight like hell for a dream
that felt just out of reach.
There are parts of this storythat are beautiful, others are
gut-wrenching, some arecontroversial.
All of them they're real.
If you've ever had to grieve aversion of life you thought
you'd have, if you've ever feltlike your body, your timing or
(01:07):
the universe betrayed you, butyou showed up anyway, kept
fighting anyway and found a wayto write a new ending this one's
for you.
My name is Carrie and I am theproud mom of Dane, who is six
(01:31):
and a half years old, and Kyle,who is 20 months old.
My infertility journey.
You know, looking back on itit's still kind of hard to
believe all of the stuff that wewent through as a couple to try
and build this family of ours.
I look at where I'm at now andwhere our family is now and you
(01:52):
can't help but believe thatthere's a reason for things and
a higher purpose for things.
But, man, we went through agrind, an absolute grind, to
have our family.
Our infertility journey startedin 2006.
Brady and I had just gottenmarried in the winter and we
(02:12):
came off of this incrediblewedding and it was so beautiful
and everything you could haveever imagined.
And we had a honeymoon inHawaii and I was thinking to
myself, wow, does it get anybetter than this?
It was just such an incrediblynow that I look back on it
innocent and naive time.
I just felt like I had gotteneverything I would ever have
(02:32):
dreamt as a little girl.
And I got pregnant reallyeasily and we got married in
December and by March I waspregnant.
It's funny, I didn't believe it.
I was like there's no way I'mpregnant.
So there we were, we were onour way to see the gender and I
remember this day.
(02:53):
It's like branded in my souland my heart forever.
But it was my mom, my husbandBrady and I.
We were in the room waiting forDr Shepard and I remember kind
of jumping up and down, we weretrying to get the baby to stir
around a little bit and we werejoking around.
It was obviously a very joyousoccasion.
It was a joyous moment.
(03:13):
You know, you're finding outthe gender of your first baby I
mean how exciting.
And Shep dog, as I call her now,walked in, she turned the
lights off, put the jelly on mybelly and started to do her
thing.
And you know, as most people dowhen they're in moments like
(03:33):
this, you know you're staring atthe doctor or you're staring at
the technician and you'relooking for any sort of signs of
emotion or anything going on,because there's nerves
underneath all the excitementgoing on, because there's nerves
underneath all the excitement.
And I just noticed her, herdisposition changed and she was
just staring sort of blank intothe screen and so my excitement
(03:56):
kind of turned toward like whoa,what, what's going on?
And she said you see that thatspot right there, that's the
baby's brain brain.
You know she's missing hercerebellum.
I don't even know.
I think that moment I was insuch shock.
Um, it was, it was something,and so they took me into a room
(04:21):
and they did some other bloodtests to kind of figure out
specifically what was going on.
But it wasn't going to be good.
So, brady and my mom and Ithere's a little bench outside
of the doctor's office and Iremember sitting in between the
two of them and they were bothreally emotional.
(04:43):
I just remember sitting thereand I was just kind of them and
they were both really emotional.
I just remember sitting thereand I was just kind of numb.
That's a freight train Likethat's a freight train that hits
you so hard and you're neverthe same.
So we get home.
The first phone call I made wasto my dad and I said something's
wrong with the baby.
I remember a lot of tears andyou know, now you're faced with
(05:10):
this decision that no, no oneshould ever have to be faced
with.
You don't know if she's goingto pass away in vitro.
You don't know if she's goingto make it out and when she does
(05:33):
.
It was horrifying, horrifying.
And I can remember Brady and Ihaving the conversation.
He says what if I was meant todo this?
And I remember specificallysaying to him I can't do this.
This is the first time I'vereally talked publicly about our
(05:55):
choice to deliver Angel early.
There's just so much to talkabout and this is a big
conversation, but it's somethingI do want to come out and say
Like we made this choice todeliver our baby early.
A woman's right to choose hasalways been important to me, but
I've lived this and Iunderstand the gravity and the
(06:19):
just the horrible decision thatyou have to make and just I feel
like that is a woman's right todo that and it's not for
somebody else to tell herwhether she can or can't.
And it was the worst, hardestdecision that I've ever had to
make.
The thing that Dr Shepard I'llnever forget her saying to me is
(06:41):
you know, carrie, no one knowswhat they would do in this
situation.
You really don't, and untilyou're in that situation, you
have no idea.
No idea what that's like orwhat it feels like to be faced
with that.
(07:10):
So we deliver Angel early andall of the emotional, physical
turmoil that comes with that youknow we dealt with and
eventually we ended up.
You know it's like okay, timeto get back on the horse again
and you know there was no realreason to believe that I
wouldn't be able to conceiveagain.
But months went by and westarted doing Clomid, we did
some IUIs, we did everything wepossibly could and nothing was
(07:32):
working.
So we end up delivering Angelat 21 weeks and you know the
emotional and physical turmoilthat followed.
That was intense.
I don't think anybody everprepares you for that situation.
I certainly was not prepared,you know, based on the fact that
(07:55):
she had such a, she had agenetic abnormality that created
these issues.
So there was a lot of testingdone.
They did testing on myself andBrady.
So there was about a two-weekwait and I got a phone call from
the nurse and she said you know, your husband carries a
balanced translocation.
(08:16):
I'm like, okay, I'd never heardof that before.
Why would I have heard of that?
So then of course, I go intofull.
You know I talked to him aboutit.
I was actually hoping that itwas me, because I I knew the
ripple effects of that, theguilt, the shame.
You know that was just anotherlayer or complexity that we were
(08:36):
going to have to deal with.
So I go into research mode.
I start looking into what thefuck is a balanced translocation
, the genetic things that can goon when you get pregnant are
wild and you just don't know,because you don't know A
balanced translocation.
There are two different typesthere's a Robertsonian and
(08:56):
there's a reciprocal, andbasically your chromosomes are
normal, all of them add up, buttwo of the chromosomes sort of
flip-flop, but still createequal amounts of DNA on each
side.
When you go to procreate,though, since those two were
switched, then it creates thisclusterfuck.
(09:17):
So we go into the world of IVF,the world of IVF, and
unfortunately for me, I was nota big egg producer.
We did a couple of rounds ofIVF and they just weren't great.
So I think I'd gotten maybe sixeggs.
That's not even a great number,but then when you put the fact
(09:39):
that you've got less normalsperm, so, long story short, it
was not a great environment tocreate a normal embryo.
So when you're in a situationlike this, where you've got
statistics that you've got to,you know, get these normal sperm
, you have to have a lot of eggs.
The more eggs, the more chancesthe normal sperm hit the egg.
(10:00):
So for me, not being a greategg producer and us having this
situation, it was not a greatenvironment, clearly, to create
a child During this time whenthings weren't working and my
age was creeping up.
Stress and tension are beingcreated.
All of your friends are havingchildren, me just being the sort
(10:22):
of relentless action, getthings done person.
I mean.
Can you imagine, you know, withmy personality and my makeup
not being able to figure outthis Rubik's cube?
I mean years we had gone toadoption groups, decided that I
(10:55):
was not, he was not ready forthat.
We had looked into sperm donor.
That was didn't work out.
We took breaks.
We went on vacations.
That didn't work out.
We took breaks, we went onvacations.
We tried again.
I mean, there's so manydifferent ways.
We tried to get back on thehorse, but nothing, nothing was
working.
(11:19):
And, luckily for me, I havealways been a business person.
I've always had this drive andambition to grow a business or
businesses, and so I was able tothrow myself into, at the time,
corporate America.
And then I took the leap andwent and start, you know, built
this fitness brand.
We had decided like, hey, Idon't think this is going to
(11:40):
happen for us, and so Ibasically threw myself into the
business I was building and Igave it everything I had and
then some.
And I think the positive thingfrom that is that it grew into a
really special you know, withthe team that we built and
(12:02):
everything we were able to do inthe community.
It grew into a reallysuccessful business and
community and I was extremelyfulfilled by that and I thank
God for that opportunity and thepeople that came across my path
at that time and that I wasable to become a part of that
(12:23):
community and together we wereable to create something really,
really phenomenal.
But, that being said, I stillhad this hole.
It just felt like the only wayto describe it is it's this dark
hole and it feels like thisemptiness and no matter what, I
just couldn't shake it.
(12:44):
And so I went to Bali when Iwas 40 for my yoga training and
I spent 35 days there by myself,in a hut, which was helpful, I
guess, and I just remember I wasjust.
You know, I thought I was done,but I wasn't done.
(13:04):
And did I always want to be amother?
Yes, I've always wanted to be amom, but when I would think
about us building a family ornot being able to build a family
, the first vision I would haveis Brady with a child on his
shoulders walking ahead of me.
(13:25):
He's a teacher and he was acoach.
Who better to be a father thanBrady?
And I also knew that he wasstuffing.
He was stuffing down the know.
He was stuffing down thebalance, translocation the guilt
, the shame us not being able tohave kids.
You know he was stuffing and weall know what happens when you
(13:47):
stuff.
You know when you stuff, likeif it was a jar sitting here and
we could see the jar and I'mthrowing cotton in the jar, just
keep throwing it in.
It looks fine for a while,looks fine for a while, but
eventually, all of a sudden, thecotton is going to come up.
It's going to come up and it'sgoing to bubble over.
And it's the same thing thathappens with your emotions.
It's the same thing thathappens with unresolved shit.
(14:10):
It will bubble over.
I really, really wanted a familyfor us, for him, for me, for us
.
I knew he could do it.
I knew, with all the researchthat I did, so many men have
abnormal sperm.
When I started thinking aboutit I'm like, okay, this is all
(14:30):
statistics, this is allprobability.
If I had a bunch of eggs andhis sperm, we could do this.
And then it hit me.
I was like, wait a minute, whyam I not looking at an donor?
I'm totally fine with that.
Like I had, I had sat with allof these different options and
the idea of never havingchildren for years.
(14:51):
So there's no knee jerkreaction here Like this is.
This was a slow burn over timeand when it hit me I was like,
oh my God, of course.
And when it hit me I was like,oh my God, of course, if I can
convince him.
So in my mind I had alreadymade the decision like I really
think we should do this, weshould try to use an egg donor.
And of course that sounds crazyand I've never talked about
(15:12):
this publicly before until nowand I've been wanting to talk
about it because it's part ofour story and it's very
important.
But it's a wild thing, kind ofsimilar to surrogacy, right,
like you hear about it, andyou're like what, what the fuck.
So I approached him with theidea of getting an egg donor and
(15:33):
of course he was like you arebatshit crazy.
And I was like, well, you knowwhat I might be, but I think
this is a great idea.
And I was like, at a minimum,it will satisfy my.
I had this need and desire toreally see that like we could
create these normal embryos withhis sperm.
(15:55):
I mean, I was like it was likethis itch I couldn't scratch,
but I knew in my heart that if Iwas right and we were
successful, that we wouldultimately try to implant said
embryo.
So I'm like let's just takethis one step at a time.
So anyone who's ever gonethrough the process of looking
for a donor egg or sperm, it'swild.
(16:17):
I mean.
You question everything.
You question when they saytruth is stranger than fiction.
You're like this is whatthey're talking about.
You go through all thesedifferent profiles and you know,
I can imagine it being sort oflike a dating app, but like 20
times scarier and weirder.
So we had gone through, or Ihad gone through, and I would
(16:40):
just show him certain things.
I probably went through like Idon't know four or five people
that I really liked, but then Istumbled across the one and
there were a lot of reasons anda lot of things I loved about
her and I just felt thisinteresting connection with her
and so the rest is history.
(17:02):
So we, we used her and she.
Her.
Her cycle was very successful.
We were able to get, I think, atthe end of the day, it was
probably like 11 or 12 normalembryos and I always knew I was.
I was like there's a little boyout there and he's in the
universe somewhere and I'm andI'm bringing him home.
Um, he's in the universesomewhere and I'm bringing him
(17:22):
home.
It's like I knew he was outthere.
It's the strangest thing, it'snot the normal way, but the way
that Dane came to me to me waslike the most beautiful and that
(17:44):
I was you, you know, using thiscrazy process and it took so
much courage and belief and ittook a lot of things to decide
that that was going to be theway things were going to go down
.
But ultimately too, in my heart, like I was more than okay with
it.
I was more than okay with it.
I don't know, it wasotherworldly to me.
(18:07):
So, yeah, we used an egg donorand I'm so grateful for the
donor.
I wouldn't change a thing withhim.
I wouldn't change a thing withKyle.
You know, would you ever askfor this hard situation?
Of course not.
Nobody would ask for it.
But I would never trade thesekids for anything in the world.
(18:27):
You know, I don't know.
I'm just so, so grateful.
When I got pregnant with Dane, Iwas so like.
It just felt so right, I was soexcited and everything was in
(18:47):
place and it just felt like wewere in such a great spot.
Of course, the pregnancy wasnot without drama.
I mean, I'm sure that doesn'tsurprise you.
I'll make a very long storyshort.
I ended up with kidney stones.
I was in the hospital.
They noticed a short cervix.
The alarm bells went offbecause of my situation so they
almost put me on hospital bedrest for the rest of my term.
Thank god they didn't.
(19:09):
We went home and they watchedus very closely, because a short
cervix can mean bad situation,which we'll get to in a little
bit.
But everything, thank god,ended up beautifully with Dane.
Delivery was beautiful and Imean just I'm so, so grateful
that it ended up the way that itdid.
Man life can be real tough, butthere can be so many beautiful
(19:36):
things that come out of it.
How many beautiful things thatcome out of it.
This journey impacted my mentalhealth significantly.
It's going to impact anyone'smental health significantly.
(19:57):
It affects your marriage, itaffects your relationships with
everybody around you and it'svery, very challenging to
navigate.
So my advice for anybody who'sgoing through it would be just
do your best, you know, get yourgame plan together, communicate
(20:17):
openly with your partner, giveyour partner grace and know that
they're not going to handlethings the exact same way that
you are.
And if you are in aheterosexual relationship, the
male is going to experience thisdifferently than you.
It's the way it's designed.
I don't know, you know, ask theuniverse.
(20:38):
But they're going to handlethemselves differently.
So, communicating openly,therapy is so helpful, so
important, and it's not anegative thing, it's such a
positive thing, it's a proactivething.
Therapy for anyone is important.
But when you're going throughthis, just to kind of have
somebody in the middle, justmaybe moving your lens over a
(21:02):
little bit so you can see alittle bit clearer into somebody
else's perspective, is a gift.
So do it, do it early, do itoften.
My advice for people who are onthe outside, on the periphery
maybe, who haven't really dealtwith this situation, or if you
(21:24):
are dealing with someone in yourlife who is going through this
say less.
Ask questions gently, but notout of your own weird curiosity
more around.
How are you?
How can I support you?
I don't know how you're feelingand I would really love to know
(21:45):
, like how could I make you feelbetter or what could I do to
quietly support you, and theanswer could be nothing but damn
.
I mean the fact that you tookthe time to ask and the fact
that you want to take action onmy behalf, you know that is so,
(22:06):
so incredible.
That's such.
That's friendship.
I mean this goes without saying, but I do feel like if
someone's confiding in you withtheir infertility journey or any
journey, keep it sacred.
It's not for your phone tree,it's not for your neighbor next
door, like it's not for you tobe a carrier pigeon to go talk
(22:27):
shit about.
Oh, I mean, that's notfriendship, and if you think it
is, you may want to think again.
It's not.
So hold their story sacred asyou would your own.
There are so many positivethings that came out of this
experience.
For me, it reaffirmed what Ialready knew about myself, which
(22:50):
is I'm brave, I'm confident,I'm strong, I can do hard things
.
I can take a situation that isless than ideal and sometimes
horrible, and I can move throughit.
It and I can see the other sideand find the gifts in it.
I mean that type of shit isimportant in life, no matter
(23:13):
what you're dealing with, youknow to be able to take a card
that life has dealt and say ohwell, that card sucks.
This card sucks pretty bad, buthow am I going to play my hand?
The situation also made meextremely empathetic and
compassionate to other people'splights, the way that I attack a
(23:34):
situation.
So if I hear something thatI've never experienced or a
situation that could potentiallybe something that you would
judge quickly or reflexivelyhave an opinion on, the first
thing I say to myself is have Iexperienced this?
Have I walked the path thatthis person is walking?
If the answer is no, then Istep back and I first of all
(23:55):
plead ignorance.
I'm ignorant to this.
I don't know what that feelslike.
And then I give grace, becausewhen you are faced with a
situation that's difficult, youdeserve some grace from people,
from yourself especially.
And then sometimes I just shutthe fuck up.
I don't have to have an opinionon everything, and that's
(24:19):
something that I'm actuallyreally grateful that I have.
I have an insane amount ofcompassion and wisdom around the
fact that the human conditioncan get extremely messy and very
complicated, and it doesn'twarrant everybody's opinion all
(24:40):
the time at all.
All the time At all, advice forsomeone who's considering using
egg or sperm donor.
So this is something that I,fortunately was able to sit with
(25:00):
for a very, very long time and,you know, thought I was never
going to have children and Imean just really took my time
with all of that.
So by the time it came to thatdecision, I was like, oh my God,
yes, and I was excited andtotally aligned with it and that
, I think, has shown through andwe're starting to talk to Dane,
(25:20):
you know, dropping little bitsof information so that he always
knows and that Kyle alwaysknows and it's part of their
story.
You need to feel right with it.
You need to sit with it andreally feel rooted in the fact
that it's the right decision foryou, because if it's not and
you're sort of trying to likefit a square peg into a round
(25:44):
hole your kids are going to knowthat and ultimately, you know
these children grow into adultsand if you're not 100% with
things, they're going to feel itand so I just take your time
with any of that stuff.
That would be my best advice.
(26:09):
This situation impacted myrelationship significantly and
what I'll say here is it's okayIf your marriage is going
through a hard time overinfertility or anything else,
it's okay, it's going to happen.
(26:31):
Marriage is challenging.
It's two people coming togetherand living together through
everything and just common sensewill tell you like you're going
to go through some shit.
Brady and I definitely had ourshare of really hard times.
We separated separated for awhile.
I don't want to say too muchabout our relationship because I
don't want to jinx it, but weare in a space today with these
kids where I'm like I cannotbelieve it.
(26:52):
I can't believe that we're hereand it's so special and I'm so
proud of it.
I'm so proud of thecommunication, the honesty, the
respect.
He is such an incredible thedad that he is is.
It far exceeds those visionsthat I ever had in my head about
(27:13):
him being a father.
And you know I didn't know itwas always going to go that way.
You know we went through somereally hard times and he went
through some really hard timesindividually facing all this.
I mean, imagine it.
You discover you have thissituation that caused an issue
with your daughter that you hadto deliver early.
I mean, what a grind mentally.
(27:34):
And then you know your wife'strying to, you know, get you to
use a sperm donor or adopt orget an egg donor or use a
surrogate.
All these things are like wildand are going to impact you
mentally.
And so, yeah, we went throughreally, really, really low times
.
And I tell you that because ifyou are going through a really
(27:55):
low time, there's hope.
There really really is.
You have to work hard and loveeach other and see yourself
through that person's eyes andjust be willing to be malleable.
And I don't know, fight, fight.
You know if something is worthit, fight for it.
I just don't think we fight forthings enough anymore.
Just, you know things that areworth it you have to fight for,
(28:21):
so fight, damn it.
To fight for, so fight, damn it.
If you've made it to the end ofthis episode, thank you Truly.
It means more than I can putinto words.
This story wasn't easy to tell,but I know that somewhere out
there, someone needed to hear it.
If that someone is you, pleaseknow you're not alone.
(28:43):
And if this episode moved you,if it made you feel seen, heard
or just a little less alone, Iwould love for you to share it.
Tag me on Instagram, shoot me aDM, leave a comment or drop a
review.
I read every single message andyour words remind me why this
work matters.
You can find more resources,ways to connect and everything
(29:05):
on building over atkerrycroftcom.
Thank you again for listening,thank you for holding space and
thank you for being part of thisconversation.
And until next time, keepmoving, baby.
Thank you.
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