In this episode of our Infertility Series, we’re going deep into the unfiltered, emotional, and often messy reality of trying to get pregnant.
🧡 Amber shares how losing control in her life led to extreme exercise and disordered eating — and how she had to rebuild trust with the body she spent years punishing.
🧡 Leslie takes us back 20 years to when she went through infertility before having her two boys. And at the time “just relax” was the most unhelpful (and most common) advice she heard.
🧡 Emilee opens up about being pregnant after IVF… and how anxiety and fear still follow her, even in a season of joy.
This episode is about way more than test results and treatment plans — it’s about the mental and emotional toll that infertility takes. It’s about intimacy, self-worth, jealousy, shame… and the strength it takes to keep going anyway.
Whether you’re in the thick of it, supporting someone who is, or just trying to understand this journey better — this one will stay with you.
🎧 Listen now — and if it moves you, send it to someone who needs to know they’re not alone.
#TheKeriCroftShow #InfertilitySeries #InfertilityAwarenessMonth #1in6 #PregnancyAfterInfertility #EatingDisorderRecovery #MentalHealthAndFertility #YouAreNotAlone #SayTheThing #InfertilitySupport
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
My name is Amber and my story starts several years
ago when I decided to take achance and take a new job
outside of my typical normalschedule routine.
What I knew and I quicklylearned after taking that job.
(00:20):
It was a new challenge.
It was something that I reallycraved, but I learned after
taking that new job that therewere some things about it that
didn't mesh.
It was a job where I wastraveling weekly to multiple
places.
I totally lost control of myschedule, I lost control of my
routine.
I lost control of my time athome, my family, just things.
(00:42):
I was newly married.
There was all these things thatI previously had a good beat on,
had a good routine, you know,had a good procedure of life,
and then, all of a sudden, youknow all these things, all these
elements of this new job werethings that I couldn't control,
and the type of person that I amis that when I feel like I'm
(01:06):
losing control of things, I gotto grab onto the things that I
can control.
So what were the things that Iwas good at?
What were the things that Icould control?
I was really athletic, so I wasgood at working out, so I did
it more because I was good at itand I it was an element of my
life I could control.
I learned then I could controldiet, I can control what I could
(01:28):
put in my body and what Icouldn't, or what I did and
didn't put in my body.
And as that job continued to benot a good fit for me, I did
find an element of my life thatI could control and I could be
good at in the midst of a lot ofuncertainty that I could
control and I could be good atin the midst of a lot of
uncertainty.
(01:49):
So it got to a point then whereI was.
You know, my craving to be morehealthy and more fit then put
(02:14):
me into a place where I was sounhealthy.
So I was physically healthy,sure, but even not then I was
unhealthy physically to a pointwhere it was hurting myself and
I was mentally in such a dark,dark place where that's where I
thought happiness and successwas was this ability to control
(02:34):
things like diet and exercise.
So you know, what becameimportant to me when then was
how I fit I was and how small Iwas, and now I can even
verbalize those things were.
For so long I couldn't, but Ithink back to that and I'm like
what?
What the hell was I doing?
(02:55):
What was I thinking?
But in the moment, that's whatwas important to me and that's,
for whatever the reason where Iwas finding my worth.
And you know that went on forfor years I did shed the job,
but the but, the um, you knowthe, the craving for that, that
(03:18):
level of fitness and, um, whatyou did and did not put into
your body, it, it ruled a lot ofthings in that physical part.
And amidst all of that, ofcourse, I lost my menstrual
cycle because I didn't haveenough body fat to sustain it.
And at the time it pains me toeven say this, I've never
(03:41):
verbalized this before but atthe time the lack of having my
menstrual period was myself-worth in knowing that I
didn't have the body fat to beable to sustain it.
And for whatever reason, Ithink about that now it makes me
want to throw up, but at thetime where I was in life, that
(04:01):
was to me like all right, I'mdoing it, I don't have enough
body fat to sustain this and I'mable to continue doing this.
I've gotten myself to thislevel of fit.
That is amazing.
Why did I think it was amazing.
I'll never know the stem of it100% was losing control of all
of those other aspects of mylife and this was something I
(04:23):
could control.
But then it just led to so manydifferent things, different
dark things.
But then you know, afterstruggling through that for
probably about three years, tobe very honest, a lot of things
happened in life that kind ofled me to my healing Started
(04:44):
with myself, my mental capacity,my well-being, but then the
desire with my husband.
I had always wanted a familyand I got to this point for
those couple of years where itwasn't important to me anymore
because of this other, such a tome now say it's like gross that
(05:06):
I was so worried about that andI cared about it.
But but I did, I did, and thefact that I can even say that
now is such a growth for mebecause I was, I hid it for so
long.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Now it's my story and I accept it and I'm proud of it
because I'm out of it and Ihave this family that I love
more than anything and it's justgiven me so much joy and just,
(05:44):
I don't know the words for it.
It's, it's, you know, it's.
It's actually like physicallyunable for me to define, um, how
happy I am now and how.
I just take myself back to thatand I think, why on earth were
those things so important to me?
I'll I'll never know, but butthey were.
They were my story and that'swhy I came here today, because I
(06:07):
know there's other people inthat spot and I beg you, I beg
you to think about that yourfuture self, what you want for
yourself long term, but you.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Then I had this whole new journey of healing and
getting my period back, whichtook a really, really long time.
You know you have to get yourmind right with getting healthy,
gaining weight, but for me it'svery important to stay healthy
and stay fit and stay, exerciseand stay like, continue
(06:44):
exercising can't just be like,all right now I need to go gain
15 pounds like let me do this.
You know, just it's, it's gosh,it's such a mental screw.
But it's also so important andyou, you learn so much in your,
in your journey, along the wayand, um, once I got to the point
(07:05):
where I started really healingmyself and my body and trusting
myself again, trusting my bodyagain, I had really then started
to get to a point where Ididn't want my body to hate me
Like there was like this, likeshe has her own identity, want
(07:26):
my body to hate me like therewas like this, like she has her
own identity.
And there's so many parts ofhealing too.
That was, of course, mental, ofcourse physical, but then, like
I wanted my body to know howmuch I loved her and appreciated
her and she took me on thisjourney and it was wild and I it
was self-inflicted, but shewithstood it with me through the
whole thing.
She was there the whole time.
(07:47):
She held me, she was strong andshe got me through it and for
that I wanted to then like, howam I going to get you back?
Like, how do I gain your trustback, because I really, really
screwed with you for a long time.
So there were so many differentelements of healing among this
trying to get my period back and, you know, spending a lot of
(08:08):
time with my OB and talkingabout this with her, counseling
things of my own, that justfinding my faith and really
growing in my faith.
There are just so manydifferent facets of this healing
journey.
But ultimately it wasn't allnatural.
I did need some help with somedifferent fertility medications
(08:31):
to get me over the hump, to getmy period back, to get me to a
point where I was ovulatingconsistently.
None of those things camenaturally to me once my healing
started to take place.
So then the focus shift awayfrom my healing of my body and
how are we going to find thispregnancy?
(08:54):
Like how is this going tohappen?
Like how I'm all over the placewith my period.
I'm here, I'm there, I'meverywhere, but I'm not where I
need to be in order to conceive.
So then we started to utilizeClomid, which I'm sure I know
many people have used before Idid.
(09:15):
I got pregnant.
My first wasn't my first, butin trying Clomid I think it was
like my third round of usingClomid and I got pregnant and I
was scared to death.
I took a pregnancy test on aSunday afternoon when my husband
was at a Browns game.
I'll never forget it and likeit was faintly positive and I
(09:36):
thought, like is this what?
Like, what do you mean?
I've been like how could thisbe?
We've been on this journey andgoing through this for four
years between getting my periodback and then trying to conceive
.
Like am I really pregnant?
Like how can that be?
Is this what it looks like?
And I remember texting two of myfriends that my best friends
(09:58):
that knew everything about this,and they're both like that's
positive, like any little bit ispositive.
And I just I went into thisstate of shock and my husband
came home from this Browns gameand I was vacuuming like a mad
woman.
I'll never forget it.
And he was like what on earthis wrong with you?
And I showed him and I was likeit's so weird.
(10:20):
I was like I was so scared thatI was mad, like I don't even, I
can't even explain to you likeall these years of this pain and
going through like trying toget my period back and what
fertility looked like for us,for the us, and then, all of a
sudden, I had this positivepregnancy test and I just I
(10:42):
didn't know what to do withmyself.
It was crazy.
So then I a whole other avenueis the stress and anxiety of
being pregnant, when you want itfor so long and you don't have
it.
And then you do and you'rescared shitless of how you're
going to sustain it.
Every single day, every singleday, I was a a mess because you
(11:07):
can't control it and, just likeI said before, like I spent so
much time gaining the trust ofmy body back, I kept being like
I, I really screwed with you fora long time.
Do you remember?
Do you know how to?
Do you know how to sustain apregnancy?
Did I screw you up enough whereyou don't know how to sustain a
pregnancy?
Did I screw you up enough whereyou don't know how to sustain a
pregnancy?
Did I do that?
(11:28):
Is this going to be my fault ifsomething happens?
I struggled with that the entirefirst trimester, quite honestly
, the whole pregnancy I was soscared, I was so anxious and I
couldn't understand why at thatpoint.
Then I would talk to some of myfriends and no one was that
stressed about it Like they werein the beginning.
(11:50):
They were like people got itlike the first couple of months,
but then they were just likeloving life and enjoying
pregnancy and I wanted to bethere so badly and I and I was
like I enjoyed every minute ofit.
But I also always had this fearand anxiety and this stress on
my mind all the time.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Happy birthday, dear Danny, years old.
Proudly, I have two boys thatare 21 and 24.
So it's quite a while ago thatI went through this and it was
shocking that I had infertility,had infertility.
(13:02):
I, my mom, got pregnant earlyand easy, and so I had no
thought that I was, I was havingissues.
It was like, wait a minute, how, how is this even possible?
And I'm an only child, so wehave no other way of knowing
(13:23):
that that she may have hadissues.
So we just kind of, you know,we tried for two years and
nothing happened, not even noteven a thought, not even an
inkling.
It just kind of was like what'sgoing on?
Fortunately, my gynecologist wasa friend of ours and was like,
(13:47):
okay, well, let's start doingthe small things, let's check to
see, let's check him, let's seeif he has issues, and didn't
have any issues.
And then checking me and, tothe best of my knowledge, I
didn't have any issues.
And then checking me and, tothe best of my knowledge, I
didn't have any issues either.
So, um, we, he decided, let'sstart doing Clomid.
(14:08):
So we were doing the, I wastaking the Clomid meds to try to
get things moving and, um, youknow, it'd be the checking my
temperature.
I went through the whole thingof before we went to him.
I did the whole checking yourtemperature.
You know, going to bed seeingwhat the temperature is, waking
(14:31):
up in the morning seeing whatthe temperature is, am I
ovulating?
You know all those fun thingsthat we get to do to see if
things are working.
And you know it was the it wasthe middle of the day calls
where you're like honey, it'stime, come home.
And he'd come home.
(14:53):
And you know you're trying tomake things as intimate as you
possibly can.
But really, let's be honest,like you got to do it, let's
just do what you got to do it,let's just do what we need to do
.
And you know there would bethose moments where it's like
the pressure is on you to do it.
Now the pressure is on him todo what he needs to do and it's
like do I need to move?
Do I need to do this?
Do I need to?
What's going to make you morecomfortable?
(15:14):
And it gets to the point whereyou're like just be quiet, just
let me do my thing right.
And so there's that intimatepart of the whole thing.
And then you know you're hearingall these old wives tales.
When you're done, put your legsup the wall and all that fun
(15:35):
stuff, so you just feel very forthe woman, you feel very
vulnerable, you feel it's somechanical and kind of just
disheartening.
You're like this isn't the wayit's supposed to be.
(15:56):
And that's when you kind of goto a place where you're like
what's wrong.
You know you start questioningwhat's wrong with me and that
you know, like we questioneverything we do that isn't
working out for us.
Why.
Why is this happening?
And you know, all the whileeverybody else seems, like
(16:18):
everybody else is gettingpregnant, your best friend's
getting pregnant and you'retrying to be happy for them and
um, and you're just sitting backand going I just want to do
this the normal way, like I justwant that, the, the, you know
the element of surprise and youdon't get that.
So when all of those didn'thappen, that's when we started
(16:39):
then him going off and having togo to the fertility clinic and
having the sperm spun and allthose things racing over to go
get it and put it under yourarmpit and then keep it warm and
into doing the IUI.
So basically taking as myex-husband said, it's taking the
(17:06):
turkey baster and basicallydropping it off at the front
door in hopes that something'sgoing to happen.
And so the first time it tookwith my first son, which was
great we, it was wonderful, wehad a great pregnancy, I loved
being pregnant.
And then with my second son, ittook several times to work and
(17:31):
that that again it's like comeon, like why can't I just do
this next one?
Then you know the right waywhatever the right way is these
days right and um.
So we worked on that a coupletimes and sometimes there was a
moment where you were like, do Iwant to keep doing this?
(17:51):
Do I just want to give up, ordo we just?
You know, usually they say, ifyou just don't think about it
and you're not in the moment, itjust happens.
And you know, we did that for awhile before we decided we want
to do like we wait.
My boys are almost three yearsapart.
So we waited some time,obviously, and um decided well,
(18:13):
here we are, we got to do thisagain.
So um finally got pregnant withhim and again, pregnancy was
fantastic.
It was just the getting therethat was difficult.
If I had advice to give topeople who are getting married
(18:34):
trying to get pregnant any ofthat stuff.
I always tell them don't assumethat it's just going to happen
naturally.
First of all, just be awarethat in the world that we're in,
given all the stuff that wehave going on, that we, our
bodies, are, they're goingthrough transitions and we may
(18:54):
not be able to get pregnant asquickly as we think we can.
Just because your mom did,doesn't mean that you will.
So I just tell them be prepared, know that it's not your fault,
know that it is normal.
There are more people out therethan you know that are going
(19:14):
through this same situation.
And to reach out to those people, it can tear a couple apart if
you don't have a good supportsystem.
And thankfully my my husbandwas was great, he was very
supportive.
He was like you know, whateverwe've got to do to get it done
and and go from there, just haveand have a good support system.
(19:35):
What I would tell people thatyou tell people that are support
your support system.
I would tell them to not saythat you understand that you or
that you know what we're goingthrough or what they're going
(19:55):
through.
I would say just have alistening ear and let the person
speak on how they're feelingand let them just be heard and
feel like they're in a safespace.
I've learned that you learnpatience and you learn to
appreciate what you have to workreally hard for, and they're
(20:21):
the best part of my life.
They're amazing humans andthey're adults now, so it's like
you look at them and you'relike I did everything I possibly
could to raise these two greathumans and they're doing
fantastic.
Speaker 4 (20:37):
So Hi, I'm Emily.
I'm the mother of three and ahalf year old twin boys, and my
infertility journey reallystarted a year after getting
married, in 2019.
I think we grow up inadolescence and young adulthood
(20:58):
just trying not to get pregnant,and so when you actually want
to get pregnant, when you can't,you're confused.
So that was kind of oursituation that we had and I did
all of the things the cycletracking, the ovulation strips,
the little bracelet and then,you know, it started going down
more deep rabbit holes ofsupplements and vitamins and my
(21:20):
diet and all those things andfinally went to my doctor and
again they only because I wasyoung, it was like you got to
take your time, it'll take sometime, and so after a year came
and gone, you know we finallystarted down the medication
track and again it's a spiralthat you kind of go through and
you hope each month that, okay,this will work.
And so, you know, we startedwith the medications and then
(21:42):
moved to the IUIs funny storyabout that later, and then we
moved on to more of the biggerstuff with IVF and then, once we
were diagnosed with unexplainedinfertility, we realized
quickly that we had a 1% chanceeach month of getting pregnant.
And so we decided as a familyto go through IVF and it was
probably one of the morepositive experiences I've ever
kind of had, with the support ofmy doctors and that staff, and
(22:06):
we were blessed with twin boys.
So we did a single embryotransfer, that split.
So we did a single embryotransfer, that split.
And so you know, when you gothrough the IVF process they
tell you, you know, our goal isfor you to get pregnant with one
single, healthy baby.
And so then when I went in forthat first ultrasound, when
there was two beings on thescreen and the doctor told me to
(22:31):
stop talking because I was soconfused, I was like did it
split?
Is it an alien To hear they'rehaving identical twin boys?
You immediately are now in ahigh risk category, and so I
feel like my whole kind ofjourney has been a challenge,
but I think I've gotten strongerbecause of it.
I was very blessed to be ableto free some embryos.
I've had some loss since then,but now I am pregnant again, and
(22:54):
so I'm very blessed to have youknow this as an option for our
family, and I am also veryexcited to close this chapter.
My journey impacted my mentalhealth greatly.
I became a very shell of aperson, and when you have
friends and family around yougetting pregnant, it's hard not
(23:15):
to feel that jealousy and kindof.
You step away from thesituation and ask yourself why
me Like, why is this nothappening to me?
And I still think that impactsme today, because how I carry
myself, you know, as a motherand as somebody who's going
through a pregnancy right now,I'm not who I'm used to being.
I think infertility robs you ofall that joy, because you
(23:39):
always have the worst casescenario in the back of your
head.
When I was pregnant with myboys, I truly didn't feel relief
until I was holding themBecause, again, you just think
your mind just goes to the worstplace possible.
And so I really think that mymental health has taken a huge
hit in this stage of my life.
(23:59):
But I do.
I am confident that you knowI'm almost there and we're going
to start in this next stage inlife and I can kind of start to
be myself a little bit moreagain.
Even when my kids were born, mymother who who had twins my
brother and sister are twins sheknows what she's doing.
I typed out a four-page letterwhen I was leaving for one
(24:20):
weekend of like what to do, andit was just my anxiety and it
was my way of like coping withthe situation.
But if there's one person inthe world I can trust, it was my
mom, and for that to evenimpact my trust in her, I was
like who are you?
So?
It's, yeah, and it's even today.
People are you so excited?
I'm like, no, not really.
(24:40):
I'm very grateful, but I alsohave this anxiety in my head
because, again, I've also seenwhere things aren't always
perfect and go.
You know perfectly, and youalways have that thought in your
head.
The one thing I've learned,though, is that every story is
different, and just because ithappens to one person doesn't
always necessarily mean ithappens to me, but my problem is
is that I do put that in theback of my head.
That could happen, not that'sgoing to.
(25:04):
So a specific memory that I hadwas when I was pregnant back in
2023.
And you know, at that point,the world was back open.
We are being social, we'regoing to do a frozen embryo
transfer, but you still have todo medications with that, and so
, while I'm very open, I stillget very private during that
(25:28):
process because I don't wantpeople to be cycle tracking me
or tracking my appointments,because, again, I just want to
have control of kind of thatnarrative.
And so when I was going throughthe frozen embryo transfer, I
still had to do theseprogesterone shots after they
did the transfer.
Well, we had all these plans,and so something with
(25:50):
progesterone shots is you haveto get shots in your butt every
night the same time for likeweeks.
And so our friend had abirthday party and, um, it
obviously, you know it was past8 pm, and so I did take my
husband sneak up to one of thekids rooms at our friend's house
and have him give me a shot.
And I think people saw us comeout of that bedroom and they're
like what the heck are theydoing?
(26:11):
Um, and little did they know.
Like I had needles and alcoholprep pads and oils in my purse
and you know I just I was soanal about making sure that I
had that shot on time and soagain your mind just goes into
hyper mode of like I have to dothis or something's gonna happen
.
Um, and then the other story isI, you know, was got the
opportunity to interview a jobout in San Diego and I was doing
(26:35):
the progesterone shots.
Well, that required me to givemyself a shot, um, and I was
typically used to doing the onesin the stomach but not the ones
in the butt, and you can'treally do the shots in the butt
by yourself it's almostimpossible.
And so the other place you cando it isn't your thigh.
Well, 8, 8 PM came about and Iwas actually on the flight to
San Diego, and so I had to gointo the bathroom on the flight,
(26:57):
30,000 feet up in the air, andpump myself up enough to stab
myself in the thigh while on aflight, and it was like it was
one of those situations where Istepped back and I'm like you
are such a badass for doing this, but like I can't believe you
had to do this.
And again, just kind of thewhole experience trying to hide
all that you know with yourfriends and family and coworkers
(27:25):
was just, it was tough.
Some advice I would give anyonegoing through this journey right
now is to advocate like hellfor yourself.
I think that you are the onlyperson who knows your body and
your needs better than anybody,and so what I've learned through
this whole process is that noone's going to have you or make
you do any of these steps withinyour fertility journey.
You have to really advocate andask for it for yourself.
And so without that, you knowthere's not many places that
(27:49):
you're going to go.
But the good news is is thereare so many great resources that
we have, even locally, whereyou're able to kind of get that
care that you need and deserve.
I'm so lucky to have such asupportive partner.
You know it's in the beginningwhen you're going through the
cycle.
Tracking it's a verytransactional relationship is
(28:10):
the best way to put it.
Transactional relationship isthe best way to put it.
And so when you find a partner,like I have, who was able to
really sit down and be therewith me and support me with
whatever you know we needed,whether it was tests or
appointments et cetera, justreally made this process a
little bit easier on me.
You know he was the one whokept my schedules for my shots,
(28:31):
schedules for my appointments InCOVID.
He waited in the parking lotwhen I had my you know surgery
because he couldn't come in, andI'm just very thankful for kind
of his support and love throughthis whole process.
If you have a friend who isgoing through this process and
this journey.
The first thing that I'm goingto tell you to do is don't give
(28:51):
unsolicited advice.
Don't make comments like, justkeep, don't worry about it,
don't think about it and it willjust happen.
Those kind of things don't helpand those kind of comments
really don't help support thatperson in any way, shape or form
.
When you're going throughinfertility, you've already
you've kind of lost hope by thenof it just happening if you
(29:13):
don't think about it.
You're too far gone for that.
There's no way not to thinkabout it, and so the best way
and the that you can supportyour friend or your family
member is just to be there,however, they want you to be
there.
Um, I think that that's like themost important, I think, for me
.
I have uh, my husband has avery big family.
I have a big family, and so wedecided to really keep it more
private going through theprocess because, again, we
(29:35):
didn't want to have peopleinvested in every single step of
the process, because there isdisappointment, and so I think
kind of just settingexpectations with people as well
, of like mom and dad, I didn'ttell you for a reason, but I'm
telling you.
This output right now, I thinkis really important and again,
it's just having people that canhelp.
You know, respect, that I thinkwas really huge.
(29:59):
The positive things that havecome out of my experience within
this journey has beendefinitely connecting with other
people that are going throughit.
You know, it's a lot of old coworkers or old friends that I've
recently been able to connectwith again.
Just being able to offer themguidance and support, I think
has been really cool, and alsoto kind of share my story with
them on a more personal levelhas really kind of helped me
(30:22):
kind of open up and I definitelyfeel that, you know, I feel I
don't even know what the word isI just it makes me feel really
good to be like a support personfor them, because I want them
to have a safe space, becausewhen I was going through this, I
didn't necessarily know anybodygoing through it also at the
time, and so I wish I hadsomebody like that that I could
(30:44):
text or talk to on Instagram,just to be able to ask is this
normal?
What did you do in thissituation?
What should I do in thissituation?
And so definitely advocate and,you know, get your tribe.
My name is Amber and my story starts several years
ago when I decided to take achance and take a new job
outside of my typical normalschedule routine.
What I knew and I quicklylearned after taking that job.
(00:20):
It was a new challenge.
It was something that I reallycraved, but I learned after
taking that new job that therewere some things about it that
didn't mesh.
It was a job where I wastraveling weekly to multiple
places.
I totally lost control of myschedule, I lost control of my
routine.
I lost control of my time athome, my family, just things.
(00:42):
I was newly married.
There was all these things thatI previously had a good beat on,
had a good routine, you know,had a good procedure of life,
and then, all of a sudden, youknow all these things, all these
elements of this new job werethings that I couldn't control,
and the type of person that I amis that when I feel like I'm
(01:06):
losing control of things, I gotto grab onto the things that I
can control.
So what were the things that Iwas good at?
What were the things that Icould control?
I was really athletic, so I wasgood at working out, so I did
it more because I was good at itand I it was an element of my
life I could control.
I learned then I could controldiet, I can control what I could
(01:28):
put in my body and what Icouldn't, or what I did and
didn't put in my body.
And as that job continued to benot a good fit for me, I did
find an element of my life thatI could control and I could be
good at in the midst of a lot ofuncertainty that I could
control and I could be good atin the midst of a lot of
uncertainty.
(01:49):
So it got to a point then whereI was.
You know, my craving to be morehealthy and more fit then put
(02:14):
me into a place where I was sounhealthy.
So I was physically healthy,sure, but even not then I was
unhealthy physically to a pointwhere it was hurting myself and
I was mentally in such a dark,dark place where that's where I
thought happiness and successwas was this ability to control
(02:34):
things like diet and exercise.
So you know, what becameimportant to me when then was
how I fit I was and how small Iwas, and now I can even
verbalize those things were.
For so long I couldn't, but Ithink back to that and I'm like
what?
What the hell was I doing?
(02:55):
What was I thinking?
But in the moment, that's whatwas important to me and that's,
for whatever the reason where Iwas finding my worth.
And you know that went on forfor years I did shed the job,
but the but, the um, you knowthe, the craving for that, that
(03:18):
level of fitness and, um, whatyou did and did not put into
your body, it, it ruled a lot ofthings in that physical part.
And amidst all of that, ofcourse, I lost my menstrual
cycle because I didn't haveenough body fat to sustain it.
And at the time it pains me toeven say this, I've never
(03:41):
verbalized this before but atthe time the lack of having my
menstrual period was myself-worth in knowing that I
didn't have the body fat to beable to sustain it.
And for whatever reason, Ithink about that now it makes me
want to throw up, but at thetime where I was in life, that
(04:01):
was to me like all right, I'mdoing it, I don't have enough
body fat to sustain this and I'mable to continue doing this.
I've gotten myself to thislevel of fit.
That is amazing.
Why did I think it was amazing.
I'll never know the stem of it100% was losing control of all
of those other aspects of mylife and this was something I
(04:23):
could control.
But then it just led to so manydifferent things, different
dark things.
But then you know, afterstruggling through that for
probably about three years, tobe very honest, a lot of things
happened in life that kind ofled me to my healing Started
(04:44):
with myself, my mental capacity,my well-being, but then the
desire with my husband.
I had always wanted a familyand I got to this point for
those couple of years where itwasn't important to me anymore
because of this other, such a tome now say it's like gross that
(05:06):
I was so worried about that andI cared about it.
But but I did, I did, and thefact that I can even say that
now is such a growth for mebecause I was, I hid it for so
long.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Now it's my story and I accept it and I'm proud of it
because I'm out of it and Ihave this family that I love
more than anything and it's justgiven me so much joy and just,
(05:44):
I don't know the words for it.
It's, it's, you know, it's.
It's actually like physicallyunable for me to define, um, how
happy I am now and how.
I just take myself back to thatand I think, why on earth were
those things so important to me?
I'll I'll never know, but butthey were.
They were my story and that'swhy I came here today, because I
(06:07):
know there's other people inthat spot and I beg you, I beg
you to think about that yourfuture self, what you want for
yourself long term, but you.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Then I had this whole new journey of healing and
getting my period back, whichtook a really, really long time.
You know you have to get yourmind right with getting healthy,
gaining weight, but for me it'svery important to stay healthy
and stay fit and stay, exerciseand stay like, continue
(06:44):
exercising can't just be like,all right now I need to go gain
15 pounds like let me do this.
You know, just it's, it's gosh,it's such a mental screw.
But it's also so important andyou, you learn so much in your,
in your journey, along the wayand, um, once I got to the point
(07:05):
where I started really healingmyself and my body and trusting
myself again, trusting my bodyagain, I had really then started
to get to a point where Ididn't want my body to hate me
Like there was like this, likeshe has her own identity, want
(07:26):
my body to hate me like therewas like this, like she has her
own identity.
And there's so many parts ofhealing too.
That was, of course, mental, ofcourse physical, but then, like
I wanted my body to know howmuch I loved her and appreciated
her and she took me on thisjourney and it was wild and I it
was self-inflicted, but shewithstood it with me through the
whole thing.
She was there the whole time.
(07:47):
She held me, she was strong andshe got me through it and for
that I wanted to then like, howam I going to get you back?
Like, how do I gain your trustback, because I really, really
screwed with you for a long time.
So there were so many differentelements of healing among this
trying to get my period back and, you know, spending a lot of
(08:08):
time with my OB and talkingabout this with her, counseling
things of my own, that justfinding my faith and really
growing in my faith.
There are just so manydifferent facets of this healing
journey.
But ultimately it wasn't allnatural.
I did need some help with somedifferent fertility medications
(08:31):
to get me over the hump, to getmy period back, to get me to a
point where I was ovulatingconsistently.
None of those things camenaturally to me once my healing
started to take place.
So then the focus shift awayfrom my healing of my body and
how are we going to find thispregnancy?
(08:54):
Like how is this going tohappen?
Like how I'm all over the placewith my period.
I'm here, I'm there, I'meverywhere, but I'm not where I
need to be in order to conceive.
So then we started to utilizeClomid, which I'm sure I know
many people have used before Idid.
(09:15):
I got pregnant.
My first wasn't my first, butin trying Clomid I think it was
like my third round of usingClomid and I got pregnant and I
was scared to death.
I took a pregnancy test on aSunday afternoon when my husband
was at a Browns game.
I'll never forget it and likeit was faintly positive and I
(09:36):
thought, like is this what?
Like, what do you mean?
I've been like how could thisbe?
We've been on this journey andgoing through this for four
years between getting my periodback and then trying to conceive
.
Like am I really pregnant?
Like how can that be?
Is this what it looks like?
And I remember texting two of myfriends that my best friends
(09:58):
that knew everything about this,and they're both like that's
positive, like any little bit ispositive.
And I just I went into thisstate of shock and my husband
came home from this Browns gameand I was vacuuming like a mad
woman.
I'll never forget it.
And he was like what on earthis wrong with you?
And I showed him and I was likeit's so weird.
(10:20):
I was like I was so scared thatI was mad, like I don't even, I
can't even explain to you likeall these years of this pain and
going through like trying toget my period back and what
fertility looked like for us,for the us, and then, all of a
sudden, I had this positivepregnancy test and I just I
(10:42):
didn't know what to do withmyself.
It was crazy.
So then I a whole other avenueis the stress and anxiety of
being pregnant, when you want itfor so long and you don't have
it.
And then you do and you'rescared shitless of how you're
going to sustain it.
Every single day, every singleday, I was a a mess because you
(11:07):
can't control it and, just likeI said before, like I spent so
much time gaining the trust ofmy body back, I kept being like
I, I really screwed with you fora long time.
Do you remember?
Do you know how to?
Do you know how to sustain apregnancy?
Did I screw you up enough whereyou don't know how to sustain a
pregnancy?
Did I screw you up enough whereyou don't know how to sustain a
pregnancy?
Did I do that?
(11:28):
Is this going to be my fault ifsomething happens?
I struggled with that the entirefirst trimester, quite honestly
, the whole pregnancy I was soscared, I was so anxious and I
couldn't understand why at thatpoint.
Then I would talk to some of myfriends and no one was that
stressed about it Like they werein the beginning.
(11:50):
They were like people got itlike the first couple of months,
but then they were just likeloving life and enjoying
pregnancy and I wanted to bethere so badly and I and I was
like I enjoyed every minute ofit.
But I also always had this fearand anxiety and this stress on
my mind all the time.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Happy birthday, dear Danny, years old.
Proudly, I have two boys thatare 21 and 24.
So it's quite a while ago thatI went through this and it was
shocking that I had infertility,had infertility.
(13:02):
I, my mom, got pregnant earlyand easy, and so I had no
thought that I was, I was havingissues.
It was like, wait a minute, how, how is this even possible?
And I'm an only child, so wehave no other way of knowing
(13:23):
that that she may have hadissues.
So we just kind of, you know,we tried for two years and
nothing happened, not even noteven a thought, not even an
inkling.
It just kind of was like what'sgoing on?
Fortunately, my gynecologist wasa friend of ours and was like,
(13:47):
okay, well, let's start doingthe small things, let's check to
see, let's check him, let's seeif he has issues, and didn't
have any issues.
And then checking me and, tothe best of my knowledge, I
didn't have any issues.
And then checking me and, tothe best of my knowledge, I
didn't have any issues either.
So, um, we, he decided, let'sstart doing Clomid.
(14:08):
So we were doing the, I wastaking the Clomid meds to try to
get things moving and, um, youknow, it'd be the checking my
temperature.
I went through the whole thingof before we went to him.
I did the whole checking yourtemperature.
You know, going to bed seeingwhat the temperature is, waking
(14:31):
up in the morning seeing whatthe temperature is, am I
ovulating?
You know all those fun thingsthat we get to do to see if
things are working.
And you know it was the it wasthe middle of the day calls
where you're like honey, it'stime, come home.
And he'd come home.
(14:53):
And you know you're trying tomake things as intimate as you
possibly can.
But really, let's be honest,like you got to do it, let's
just do what you got to do it,let's just do what we need to do
.
And you know there would bethose moments where it's like
the pressure is on you to do it.
Now the pressure is on him todo what he needs to do and it's
like do I need to move?
Do I need to do this?
Do I need to?
What's going to make you morecomfortable?
(15:14):
And it gets to the point whereyou're like just be quiet, just
let me do my thing right.
And so there's that intimatepart of the whole thing.
And then you know you're hearingall these old wives tales.
When you're done, put your legsup the wall and all that fun
(15:35):
stuff, so you just feel very forthe woman, you feel very
vulnerable, you feel it's somechanical and kind of just
disheartening.
You're like this isn't the wayit's supposed to be.
(15:56):
And that's when you kind of goto a place where you're like
what's wrong.
You know you start questioningwhat's wrong with me and that
you know, like we questioneverything we do that isn't
working out for us.
Why.
Why is this happening?
And you know, all the whileeverybody else seems, like
(16:18):
everybody else is gettingpregnant, your best friend's
getting pregnant and you'retrying to be happy for them and
um, and you're just sitting backand going I just want to do
this the normal way, like I justwant that, the, the, you know
the element of surprise and youdon't get that.
So when all of those didn'thappen, that's when we started
(16:39):
then him going off and having togo to the fertility clinic and
having the sperm spun and allthose things racing over to go
get it and put it under yourarmpit and then keep it warm and
into doing the IUI.
So basically taking as myex-husband said, it's taking the
(17:06):
turkey baster and basicallydropping it off at the front
door in hopes that something'sgoing to happen.
And so the first time it tookwith my first son, which was
great we, it was wonderful, wehad a great pregnancy, I loved
being pregnant.
And then with my second son, ittook several times to work and
(17:31):
that that again it's like comeon, like why can't I just do
this next one?
Then you know the right waywhatever the right way is these
days right and um.
So we worked on that a coupletimes and sometimes there was a
moment where you were like, do Iwant to keep doing this?
(17:51):
Do I just want to give up, ordo we just?
You know, usually they say, ifyou just don't think about it
and you're not in the moment, itjust happens.
And you know, we did that for awhile before we decided we want
to do like we wait.
My boys are almost three yearsapart.
So we waited some time,obviously, and um decided well,
(18:13):
here we are, we got to do thisagain.
So um finally got pregnant withhim and again, pregnancy was
fantastic.
It was just the getting therethat was difficult.
If I had advice to give topeople who are getting married
(18:34):
trying to get pregnant any ofthat stuff.
I always tell them don't assumethat it's just going to happen
naturally.
First of all, just be awarethat in the world that we're in,
given all the stuff that wehave going on, that we, our
bodies, are, they're goingthrough transitions and we may
(18:54):
not be able to get pregnant asquickly as we think we can.
Just because your mom did,doesn't mean that you will.
So I just tell them be prepared, know that it's not your fault,
know that it is normal.
There are more people out therethan you know that are going
(19:14):
through this same situation.
And to reach out to those people, it can tear a couple apart if
you don't have a good supportsystem.
And thankfully my my husbandwas was great, he was very
supportive.
He was like you know, whateverwe've got to do to get it done
and and go from there, just haveand have a good support system.
(19:35):
What I would tell people thatyou tell people that are support
your support system.
I would tell them to not saythat you understand that you or
that you know what we're goingthrough or what they're going
(19:55):
through.
I would say just have alistening ear and let the person
speak on how they're feelingand let them just be heard and
feel like they're in a safespace.
I've learned that you learnpatience and you learn to
appreciate what you have to workreally hard for, and they're
(20:21):
the best part of my life.
They're amazing humans andthey're adults now, so it's like
you look at them and you'relike I did everything I possibly
could to raise these two greathumans and they're doing
fantastic.
Speaker 4 (20:37):
So Hi, I'm Emily.
I'm the mother of three and ahalf year old twin boys, and my
infertility journey reallystarted a year after getting
married, in 2019.
I think we grow up inadolescence and young adulthood
(20:58):
just trying not to get pregnant,and so when you actually want
to get pregnant, when you can't,you're confused.
So that was kind of oursituation that we had and I did
all of the things the cycletracking, the ovulation strips,
the little bracelet and then,you know, it started going down
more deep rabbit holes ofsupplements and vitamins and my
(21:20):
diet and all those things andfinally went to my doctor and
again they only because I wasyoung, it was like you got to
take your time, it'll take sometime, and so after a year came
and gone, you know we finallystarted down the medication
track and again it's a spiralthat you kind of go through and
you hope each month that, okay,this will work.
And so, you know, we startedwith the medications and then
(21:42):
moved to the IUIs funny storyabout that later, and then we
moved on to more of the biggerstuff with IVF and then, once we
were diagnosed with unexplainedinfertility, we realized
quickly that we had a 1% chanceeach month of getting pregnant.
And so we decided as a familyto go through IVF and it was
probably one of the morepositive experiences I've ever
kind of had, with the support ofmy doctors and that staff, and
(22:06):
we were blessed with twin boys.
So we did a single embryotransfer, that split.
So we did a single embryotransfer, that split.
And so you know, when you gothrough the IVF process they
tell you, you know, our goal isfor you to get pregnant with one
single, healthy baby.
And so then when I went in forthat first ultrasound, when
there was two beings on thescreen and the doctor told me to
(22:31):
stop talking because I was soconfused, I was like did it
split?
Is it an alien To hear they'rehaving identical twin boys?
You immediately are now in ahigh risk category, and so I
feel like my whole kind ofjourney has been a challenge,
but I think I've gotten strongerbecause of it.
I was very blessed to be ableto free some embryos.
I've had some loss since then,but now I am pregnant again, and
(22:54):
so I'm very blessed to have youknow this as an option for our
family, and I am also veryexcited to close this chapter.
My journey impacted my mentalhealth greatly.
I became a very shell of aperson, and when you have
friends and family around yougetting pregnant, it's hard not
(23:15):
to feel that jealousy and kindof.
You step away from thesituation and ask yourself why
me Like, why is this nothappening to me?
And I still think that impactsme today, because how I carry
myself, you know, as a motherand as somebody who's going
through a pregnancy right now,I'm not who I'm used to being.
I think infertility robs you ofall that joy, because you
(23:39):
always have the worst casescenario in the back of your
head.
When I was pregnant with myboys, I truly didn't feel relief
until I was holding themBecause, again, you just think
your mind just goes to the worstplace possible.
And so I really think that mymental health has taken a huge
hit in this stage of my life.
(23:59):
But I do.
I am confident that you knowI'm almost there and we're going
to start in this next stage inlife and I can kind of start to
be myself a little bit moreagain.
Even when my kids were born, mymother who who had twins my
brother and sister are twins sheknows what she's doing.
I typed out a four-page letterwhen I was leaving for one
(24:20):
weekend of like what to do, andit was just my anxiety and it
was my way of like coping withthe situation.
But if there's one person inthe world I can trust, it was my
mom, and for that to evenimpact my trust in her, I was
like who are you?
So?
It's, yeah, and it's even today.
People are you so excited?
I'm like, no, not really.
(24:40):
I'm very grateful, but I alsohave this anxiety in my head
because, again, I've also seenwhere things aren't always
perfect and go.
You know perfectly, and youalways have that thought in your
head.
The one thing I've learned,though, is that every story is
different, and just because ithappens to one person doesn't
always necessarily mean ithappens to me, but my problem is
is that I do put that in theback of my head.
That could happen, not that'sgoing to.
(25:04):
So a specific memory that I hadwas when I was pregnant back in
2023.
And you know, at that point,the world was back open.
We are being social, we'regoing to do a frozen embryo
transfer, but you still have todo medications with that, and so
, while I'm very open, I stillget very private during that
(25:28):
process because I don't wantpeople to be cycle tracking me
or tracking my appointments,because, again, I just want to
have control of kind of thatnarrative.
And so when I was going throughthe frozen embryo transfer, I
still had to do theseprogesterone shots after they
did the transfer.
Well, we had all these plans,and so something with
(25:50):
progesterone shots is you haveto get shots in your butt every
night the same time for likeweeks.
And so our friend had abirthday party and, um, it
obviously, you know it was past8 pm, and so I did take my
husband sneak up to one of thekids rooms at our friend's house
and have him give me a shot.
And I think people saw us comeout of that bedroom and they're
like what the heck are theydoing?
(26:11):
Um, and little did they know.
Like I had needles and alcoholprep pads and oils in my purse
and you know I just I was soanal about making sure that I
had that shot on time and soagain your mind just goes into
hyper mode of like I have to dothis or something's gonna happen
.
Um, and then the other story isI, you know, was got the
opportunity to interview a jobout in San Diego and I was doing
(26:35):
the progesterone shots.
Well, that required me to givemyself a shot, um, and I was
typically used to doing the onesin the stomach but not the ones
in the butt, and you can'treally do the shots in the butt
by yourself it's almostimpossible.
And so the other place you cando it isn't your thigh.
Well, 8, 8 PM came about and Iwas actually on the flight to
San Diego, and so I had to gointo the bathroom on the flight,
(26:57):
30,000 feet up in the air, andpump myself up enough to stab
myself in the thigh while on aflight, and it was like it was
one of those situations where Istepped back and I'm like you
are such a badass for doing this, but like I can't believe you
had to do this.
And again, just kind of thewhole experience trying to hide
all that you know with yourfriends and family and coworkers
(27:25):
was just, it was tough.
Some advice I would give anyonegoing through this journey right
now is to advocate like hellfor yourself.
I think that you are the onlyperson who knows your body and
your needs better than anybody,and so what I've learned through
this whole process is that noone's going to have you or make
you do any of these steps withinyour fertility journey.
You have to really advocate andask for it for yourself.
And so without that, you knowthere's not many places that
(27:49):
you're going to go.
But the good news is is thereare so many great resources that
we have, even locally, whereyou're able to kind of get that
care that you need and deserve.
I'm so lucky to have such asupportive partner.
You know it's in the beginningwhen you're going through the
cycle.
Tracking it's a verytransactional relationship is
(28:10):
the best way to put it.
Transactional relationship isthe best way to put it.
And so when you find a partner,like I have, who was able to
really sit down and be therewith me and support me with
whatever you know we needed,whether it was tests or
appointments et cetera, justreally made this process a
little bit easier on me.
You know he was the one whokept my schedules for my shots,
(28:31):
schedules for my appointments InCOVID.
He waited in the parking lotwhen I had my you know surgery
because he couldn't come in, andI'm just very thankful for kind
of his support and love throughthis whole process.
If you have a friend who isgoing through this process and
this journey.
The first thing that I'm goingto tell you to do is don't give
(28:51):
unsolicited advice.
Don't make comments like, justkeep, don't worry about it,
don't think about it and it willjust happen.
Those kind of things don't helpand those kind of comments
really don't help support thatperson in any way, shape or form
.
When you're going throughinfertility, you've already
you've kind of lost hope by thenof it just happening if you
(29:13):
don't think about it.
You're too far gone for that.
There's no way not to thinkabout it, and so the best way
and the that you can supportyour friend or your family
member is just to be there,however, they want you to be
there.
Um, I think that that's like themost important, I think, for me
.
I have uh, my husband has avery big family.
I have a big family, and so wedecided to really keep it more
private going through theprocess because, again, we
(29:35):
didn't want to have peopleinvested in every single step of
the process, because there isdisappointment, and so I think
kind of just settingexpectations with people as well
, of like mom and dad, I didn'ttell you for a reason, but I'm
telling you.
This output right now, I thinkis really important and again,
it's just having people that canhelp.
You know, respect, that I thinkwas really huge.
(29:59):
The positive things that havecome out of my experience within
this journey has beendefinitely connecting with other
people that are going throughit.
You know, it's a lot of old coworkers or old friends that I've
recently been able to connectwith again.
Just being able to offer themguidance and support, I think
has been really cool, and alsoto kind of share my story with
them on a more personal levelhas really kind of helped me
(30:22):
kind of open up and I definitelyfeel that, you know, I feel I
don't even know what the word isI just it makes me feel really
good to be like a support personfor them, because I want them
to have a safe space, becausewhen I was going through this, I
didn't necessarily know anybodygoing through it also at the
time, and so I wish I hadsomebody like that that I could
(30:44):
text or talk to on Instagram,just to be able to ask is this
normal?
What did you do in thissituation?
What should I do in thissituation?
And so definitely advocate and,you know, get your tribe.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
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The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.