April 30, 2025 • 60 mins
Motherhood doesn’t always follow the plan — and these three women are living proof.
In this episode of our Infertility Series, Melissa, Molly, and Simi share raw, real stories about loss, resilience, egg donation, frozen embryo failure, pregnancy over 40, and building families against the odds.
You’ll hear:
🧡 How Melissa naturally conceived at 43 after devastating losses
🧡 How Molly survived losing 13 embryos — and found hope again
🧡 How Dr. Simi and her wife embraced egg donation to grow their family
We break down fertility myths ("just relax!" 🙄), the toll infertility takes on mental health, and why there’s no one “right” way to build a family.
🎙️ Listen now and share with someone who needs to hear these stories.
And if you want to join our infertility community—head to kericroft.com to sign up for our email newsletter.
#TheKeriCroftShow #InfertilitySeries #InfertilitySupport #InfertilityAwarenessMonth #PregnantAt44 #EggDonation #FrozenEmbryoLoss #1in6 #FamilyBuilding #YouAreNotAlone #ModernMotherhood
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Struggling to conceive.
Pinnacle Fertility Ohio offerspersonalized concierge fertility
care, expert guidance and adedicated navigator for support
every step of the way.
No wait for starting IVF Booknow at RGIOhiocom, where
families start and dreams ofparenthood are realized.
Welcome back to the Keri CroftShow.
(00:20):
If you've been with me throughthis infertility series then you
know this hasn't been just acollection of stories.
It's been a full-on masterclassin what it means to be human.
The heartbreak, the hope, thegrit and grace.
It's all here and today.
As we close this chapter, we'regoing out on a high note,
wrapped in gratitude for everysingle person who's opened their
(00:43):
heart along the way.
This episode it's a love letterto the winding, unpredictable,
messy, beautiful roads that leadto family.
You'll meet Melissa, whoendured the crushing loss of
twins but refused to let griefhave the final word.
She became a mom twice over,the second time, at 43 years old
.
You'll hear from Molly, whoseembryos were lost in a freak lab
(01:08):
glitch Can you even imagine butwho found her way back
alongside her husband, to theirmiracle, now seven-year-old
twins.
And finally Simi, an ICU doctorwho's used to bringing the
weather, steering the storm, butwhen she and her wife couldn't
conceive a second child, theymade the bold choice to search
for an egg donor and expandtheir family in a way they
(01:30):
hadn't expected.
These stories aren't here to tiea neat little bow on
infertility.
They're here to remind youfamily is built in more ways
than one.
There is no one single rightpath.
There is only the one path thatfeels right for you.
So if this series has crackedsomething open in you, if it's
made you feel seen, heard orjust a little less alone, don't
(01:54):
keep it to yourself.
Share it, follow the show,leave a review, help someone
else find their way here,because maybe, just maybe, this
is the conversation they've beenwaiting for too.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
I am Melissa.
I am currently 44 years old,almost 45.
I am mother to my daughter Elle, who is six, and my son Michael
, who is 10 months.
I started trying activelytrying to become a mother almost
, I guess, 10 years ago.
I had three losses prior to thebirth of my daughter two
(02:32):
miscarriages.
One was with twins.
My daughter was born.
I did not use fertility drugsor anything like that for my
daughter and I had her healthybaby girl at age 39.
Like that for my daughter, andI had her healthy baby girl at
age 39.
After her I experienced anotherloss and went through about a
year and a half of working withmy OB and a fertility specialist
(02:54):
in attempts to become pregnantagain.
All of those attempts wereunsuccessful and I kind of gave
up and then ended up pregnantwith my son at age 43 and
delivered him at 44.
With my experience personally, Iknow that every woman and
family goes through their ownthing, but I do feel that not
(03:17):
giving up hope, even when youwant to and even when you might
have a doctor telling you to, isreally important.
You know your body and what'sright for you and I do feel like
I'm living proof of neverunderestimate what might happen
in your life or with your bodyor with your family, that you
know you can be in your mid late40s and still have very healthy
(03:39):
pregnancies, very healthychildren.
I'm very lucky to have anamazing OB.
That was very encouraging.
Dr Shepard if you haven't heardof her, which most people and
women in Columbus I think haveis just the most amazing woman
doctor or provider.
I think when you talk aboutwomen's health, she should be
(04:01):
the billboard for it.
She is just caring, considerate, intelligent strength I mean,
she's the tiniest woman you'veever seen and I would put her up
against anyone and she hasfight and kept telling me not to
give up, that you can fight theright pregnancy and you know
(04:22):
she said that throughout thelosses with my before, my
daughter and after, and when Igave up hope, she did it.
And I didn't believe it wasgoing to work for us.
I really didn't.
I mean, I think we all gothrough those times where we're
just give up like this.
You see all your friends andyour family and everybody else
walking down the street in thepark with children, and it's not
you.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
And you just, you know, year after year, you just
think it's not going to happen.
And she didn't.
You know she didn't let us giveup and you know I'm so grateful
for her and I think that'sreally important.
You can give up hope for alittle bit, but just keep
finding it and keep trying tofind that.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
We had been seeing a fertility specialist and it
basically did IUI a couple oftimes and successfully different
medications, different thingsand it came down to him, you
know, basically saying at my agethat he felt the only option to
have a successful pregnancywould be to use donor egg, and
my husband and I at that timedidn't want to take that route.
(05:23):
We felt that our family waswhat it was and maybe this is
God's way of just telling us wehave our healthy daughter.
We're good, but always knowingin the back of my mind I still
wanted more children and I'llnever forget.
I went to my consultation witha fertility specialist.
Well, it was in my room, it wasan online Zoom, and I got off
(05:45):
with him and I just bawled.
And then I actually had myannual appointment with Dr
Shepard like within an hour.
It happened to be justscheduled on the same day, so
she walks in hey, how are you?
Immediately start bawling.
And again she said you know,don't give up.
If this is what you want to do,don't give up.
And she said if you want to tryIVF yourself, that's always an
(06:05):
option.
And I said I think we just needto stop Like, I think we just
need to put, at least for thesummer, just give my body a
break, give my mind a break.
And my husband was like we'redone and so you know, tmi, but
like, after you're trying to getpregnant, sometimes it's not
all that fun like having sex.
(06:27):
And so there was, I'll say, alull in our sex life.
Like you know, when it's timedand it's planned and it's the
pressure, um, so we hadn't evenbeen really having sex and I
hadn't been using my app to lookat my ovulation and blah, blah,
blah, blah.
And I mean we literally had sexone time and I don't know how
(06:48):
many months.
And then we were flying toFlorida and me, him and my
daughter, and it was a morningflight and he was having a drink
.
He was like have a drink?
And I was like I don't reallylike flying and drinking with my
daughter.
Just, you know, while I had adrink and I was like you know, I
don't feel good, when we gotthere and I was like there's no
(07:09):
way I'm pregnant, there'sabsolutely no way.
And I was like but I'm alsogoing to be here, I'm going to
be eating sushi and oysters and,you know, having cocktails,
whatever.
I'm like I, when I went to thegrocery store to get food for
the week because we have a condo.
I just grabbed a pregnancy test, didn't tell him.
I was like I'm not even sayinganything to him.
Well, I took it in the bathroomof the condo and I was literally
(07:29):
, I mean, I was shocked.
I was absolutely like shocked,jaw drop.
And I'm like my daughter wasout in the family room and I was
like, call my husband in.
I'm like hey, come look at this.
And he looked and he was likehow the fuck did that happen?
Like, like, when did that?
Even?
Like, how could that?
How could that happen?
I mean, we were both justshocked and so, and then you
(07:53):
quickly go from shock to youknow, like the fear, the
excitement, but also the fearand knowing like the outcomes
that have happened.
And now I'm even older, but yeah, I mean, I'm still.
I still am shocked, like Iliterally look at my baby every
morning and just cannot believehe's ours.
Even this morning my daughtergot him and brought him in the
(08:15):
bedroom and she was like, canyou believe Bubby's here.
And I'm like, no, I can't.
Like I think she we like, wetalk about it all the time she
always, you know, always wouldask about a brother and a sister
and she says these sweet thingslike that.
She's very mature for asix-year-old, I feel.
But I mean I literally cannotbelieve I had a baby.
I can't.
Statistically speaking, we know, at our age I mean, I consider
(08:40):
myself somewhat healthy, ahealthier person.
But once you get into your 40s,I mean even your late 30s, we
know, statistically it's achallenge, it's an uphill battle
, but again it can happen.
Like this I am living proof myvery healthy, wild man is living
proof that you know there aremiracles, there are
(09:00):
possibilities, there are optionsthat you just never know how
your story will end Like I justI can't believe this is how our
family story ended, because Inever thought it would and it
did, and I'm so proud of it,like I'm so proud that we were
able to have this happen to us.
(09:21):
It just it's a dream and it's ahard, you know, for for so many
people for so many years, andyou know we experienced that.
But you know sounds so cheesy,but dreams can come true and
they really do.
They really do for a lot ofpeople, in whichever way that
dream looks for you.
Typically, it's not a word thatmight be used when speaking of
(09:42):
fertility and fertility, theprocess of starting your family,
but I am really proud of whathappened to us and what we were
through.
And me, I'm proud of my body.
I'm proud of being able tocarry two healthy children, like
the older you get and aftergoing through the experience of
carrying a child or watching achild be born, it's a miracle
(10:03):
every time, no matter if and Ihave chills like I just think
about, like if it happens amillion times a day, it's still
a miracle every time.
And just what our bodies can do, what our hearts and our minds
can do, what our families do,like, I'm just so proud to be a
mom and to be able to share myexperiences.
I was lucky.
I don't know if I want to usethe word lucky, probably not the
(10:24):
word lucky.
I had a lot of women in my lifethat had done IVF that you know
had opened up about theirmiscarriages, their losses,
their struggles, and so I feellike, even with that maybe not
talking about being proud of thejourney is something we say
enough, and I think it's reallyimportant that we are able to
(10:46):
say that and be loud and vocalabout like this is a fight and
you know it's not always easy.
It's not.
You know I'm not 18 years oldand you know getting pregnant
very easily and it's it's abattle sometimes and you know
it's easy to get up.
It's like like it's easy to.
I can see why marriages don'tmake it at times and I can see,
(11:08):
you know, why families changethroughout the process and you
know we have I have cousins andfamily members that adopted and
you know there's a lot of withinmy family, different stories
and different experiences andand I think that you know, being
proud of my story is somethingI hope to show my children too,
and my daughter my experienceswith infertility definitely
(11:34):
impacted my mental health inmany ways.
I don't think that anyone cango through these experiences and
say it doesn't, and I'm notsaying that you have to be, you
know, clinically diagnosed withdepression or anxiety, but I had
lost my brother prior and thatwas really hard, obviously.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
So after my first loss, that pregnancy was very
much looked at, as you know,light coming to our lives at a
very dark time already.
So experiencing loss after lossafter losing my brother was,
you know, at times more painfulthan I thought that I could
(12:22):
handle.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
But that is life and we have to keep going and moving
and I didn't have an option,you know, and I knew I wanted to
keep trying and you know, therewere times when my husband
would say this is too much, likeyou know, know it's too much on
you, it's too much and it justit didn't feel um like not
trying again was ever an optionto me.
(12:52):
Maybe I would say it, but Inever felt it.
Um, maybe I would say like thisis too hard.
Because it felt too hard, um,so I would say my mental health,
uh, was definitely impacted inum many ways and not in positive
ways.
Um, there was a lot of sadness.
I mean I remember just you know, after losses, just laying in
(13:13):
bed and just it felt like I wasin a movie.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
Like you don't want to talk to anyone, you don't
want to see anyone, you justwant to be in your bed and alone
.
And I didn't even want myhusband to touch me.
I just, you know, I wanted todraw the shades and not let
anyone in.
But you know, we made itthrough those times and, um, it
(13:41):
was hard, it was really hard.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Another component of, you know, a negative response
to my mental health would be,you know, really feeling like my
body was betraying me with thelosses I had, like I said, three
miscarriage, or lost threepregnancies Felt like I was
(14:06):
doing everything right, feltlike I was living a healthy
lifestyle.
You know, seeing other womenaround me having children,
having pregnancies, and it justfelt like why, why not me?
Why am I being punished?
Is there something that I amnot worthy enough to have
children or have a family?
(14:27):
And nobody else was puttingthat in my mind, nobody made me
feel that way.
It was just me internalizingand trying to rationalize.
I think you know we do that aspeople.
We just try to find a reason.
What's the reason this ishappening?
And really there is no reasonand we can't explain it.
(14:47):
I think, with my losses too,there wasn't a genetic test or a
physical thing that Dr Shepardor anyone could say.
This is what's wrong.
Now we're going to work on this, and so your next pregnancy
will be different.
You know, dr Shepard just keptsaying it wasn't the right
pregnancy, which in some aspectswas good, but and also, like I
may, find the problem, solve theproblem.
(15:09):
Find the problem, solve theproblem and when there's nothing
besides, finding the rightpregnancy, which I can't have
control over, was very difficultfor me and my mental health
because I couldn't, there was nocontrol and I'm if you know me,
you know I like to have controlover things and when I don't, I
can start to spiral maybe, andso that was another whole piece
(15:34):
of it that I just felt like itwas just me and my body not
working together.
Positive things that have comefrom my experiences are
obviously my two beautifulchildren.
I think that through this youreally learn who you are as a
(15:58):
wife, a mother, a family member,as a woman.
I think that I now have gonethrough these experiences and
see other women going throughthem, and just the experience of
birthing a child child to me itjust blows your mind like what
our bodies can do and how womenjust show up for each other.
You know again when my brotherdied.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
I think back to the women that were there and never
left and I think about thisexperience too the women that
reached out to me, familymembers, you know I had an aunt
that wrote me a letter.
That was, you know, in her 60snow and said I've never talked
about this because it was toohard, but I had a miscarriage
and you're going to have afamily and I know it's painful,
(16:41):
and just the women that justshow up for each other and you
know God love my husband but youknow he didn't know how to be
there for me through a lot of it.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
I think and I don't blame him for any means Like
it's just.
It's just the women that showedup for me, and the women that
you know, I mean one of my dearfriends, when I experienced, you
know, another loss after I hadmy daughter.
I was telling her and she saidI will be your surrogate, like,
and I said I don't, I never eventhought about that.
Like, you know, just forsomeone to say that to you, like
(17:12):
I will use my body so you canbe a mom again, I mean, like
it's just, it's the mostbeautiful thing to be surrounded
by these women that are just socaring, strong.
Like you know, my cousins thathad gone through IVF and shared
their experiences and said thesame thing.
Like you know, my cousins thathad gone through IVF and shared
their experiences and said thesame thing like, don't give up,
don't give up.
(17:32):
And you know, were mycheerleaders when I didn't think
this was going to happen.
So, yeah, I mean, I think mychildren obviously number one,
but just knowing how many peopleare on my side and, you know,
there to fight for me and myfamily is just a really
remarkable experience too.
I know some people might nothave that and that breaks my
(17:55):
heart.
I have a really closerelationship with a lot of women
in my family and it, just, youknow, means the absolute world
to me.
Some things that people said tome that I genuinely think people
are trying to be helpful andthey're trying to be supportive.
Um, for me, I again, I hadmultiple miscarriages, so
getting pregnant was never theproblem, staying pregnant was
(18:18):
the problem.
And when you're dealing withthat, it doesn't feel good.
When someone says, well, atleast you can get pregnant,
because to me getting pregnantwas never the problem, staying
pregnant was a problem.
And so when someone says, well,at least you can get pregnant,
because to me getting pregnantwas never the problem, staying
pregnant was a problem.
And so when someone you knowdownplays your pain and your
loss by saying, well, at leastyou got pregnant, that's not
helpful, because I got pregnantbut I don't have a baby and I
(18:39):
don't have a child andmotherhood is what I want, not
pregnancy.
And again I think people just,you know, they don't know what
to say.
And I think anytime you'redealing with something
uncomfortable loss, grief.
Less is best.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I'm here for you.
Advice is not always neededunless asked for, asked for.
(19:07):
These kind of journeyscomplicate relationships even
more.
I think you know like I joke.
I got married older.
I was 35 when I got married.
I knew my husband for probablyI mean a long time, 10 years
before we got married.
We dated on and off for a longtime no-transcript whether it's
(19:57):
impacting you right now or downthe road.
Like these.
Things are very difficult tomaneuver, they're very difficult
to manage, and men and womenare very different.
Their experiences a man'sexperience with infertility or
fertility problems are is verydifferent than the woman.
You know whether they're thevery best husband in the world,
(20:18):
the various men in the world.
They're experiencing somethingthat you're not experiencing and
we're experiencing somethingthat they're not, and to mesh
this all together can be tricky.
Speaker 4 (20:32):
I am Molly.
I am 43 years old.
I have twins, boy-girl twins,mila and Ryder, seven years old.
They were conceived through IVF.
Our infertility journey startedreally right after we got
married.
So we got married a little bitlater, I was 31.
(20:55):
My husband was 30.
And we wanted to start tryingright away.
I was diagnosed at 18 with apolycystic ovary syndrome, pcos,
and you know it kind of justwent to the back of my mind.
I was put on birth control.
You know, through my 20s I wasalways on birth control and not
(21:18):
until I went off shortly aftergetting married did we find out.
I just didn't ovulate.
So we knew we were going toneed help pretty early on.
So we started our journey rightaway.
So I was put on Clomid.
We did that for I don't knoweight cycles, way too long
(21:40):
Wasn't really doing anything forme.
So we needed to really see aspecialist at that time, which
brought a lot of uncertainty andemotions.
But we were ready to jump in.
We were.
Whatever it was going to take,we were going to do.
So I was referred to afertility clinic here in
Columbus and right away we justkind of started doing some tests
(22:02):
, seeing my ovarian reserve,kind of what would be our next
protocol and we jumped in.
So we did four rounds of shotsand IUIs None were successful.
So after four rounds we, youknow, got to that hard decision
(22:25):
of it was probably time for IVF.
So we jumped right into IVF andyou know I would say it was
pretty successful.
For me, you know, being apolycystic patient, my first
retrieval I had 34 eggs, whichis a lot that's, you know, in
(22:45):
the IVF world that's a good,strong number.
So we were overjoyed with that.
And then, that's really kind ofwhen our journey started to
take a turn was after that firstegg retrieval.
We had some unexpected eventsthat really kind of took myself
and, you know, our doctors for alittle bit of a loop.
(23:09):
I started to react, you know, alittle bit different on
medications than what they weretypically used to.
So we kind of went to a plan B.
After having such a large eggretrieval of 34 eggs, I had
something called OHSS where Ihad a ton of fluid build up in
(23:30):
my abdomen and my ovaries and itjust wasn't safe for me to
transfer those embryos.
So that was kind of like ourfirst blow that we were
unexpecting.
But again, we just kind ofburied down and you know we were
going through the journeytogether.
So we thought we were going totransfer, you know, some embryos
(23:53):
right after that retrieval.
Well, we weren't.
My body needed some time torecover so we went for a frozen
embryo transfer and that's kindof where our journey took
probably the most devastatingturn.
So the morning of our frozenembryo transfer I got a phone
(24:15):
call and I knew like I'm likethis isn't good that I'm getting
a call the morning of transferand it was the embryologist from
the lab and they said Molly,we're getting ready for your
transfer and we're seeing someconcerns with the thawing of
your embryos.
They're really just, we're notsure really what's going on, but
(24:39):
your embryos aren't survivingthe thawing process.
Probably Um, probably thebiggest blow and um, just
immediate shock I've ever felthearing those words.
You know like nobody preparedus for that phone call.
You know nobody had mentionedthis could happen during the
(24:59):
thawing procedure.
So we were totally caught offguard, um, and I was told we'll
call you in an hour, we'll seewhere this goes.
At that time I had 13 frozenembryos, which was an amazing
(25:19):
amount.
You know a lot of people don'tstart with that many.
So we were very grateful forthat number and we were
confident with that number, likethis should probably lead us to
a pregnancy.
But they called me back in anhour and they said, molly, we're
really shocked.
We don't again really knowwhat's going on.
We don't see this that often,but none of your embryos are
(25:40):
surviving the thawing process.
And so I just it was just likewhat does this mean?
You know, is our journey over?
Right now, right here and then?
And then, like I just rememberlooking up at my husband, and we
just looked at each other likewell, we didn't expect this.
(26:01):
So they said, come on in, whenyou get here, we'll have an
update for you.
And I just remember, you know,driving there with my husband,
we were completely silent.
You know, I was just lookingout the car window, you know,
just looking up to God and justsaying, like this is it.
We went through all of this andit's been yanked away.
(26:23):
But we got there and theembryologist met with us and
there wasn't a lot ofconversation that day because I
think they didn't really knowwhat was going on.
They didn't want to say toomuch, but they just said you
know what, molly, we'll moveforward with the transfer.
We aren't really sure if theseembryos are even viable anymore,
(26:44):
but you're here, sure if theseembryos are even viable anymore,
but you're here, so let's justdo it.
So we did it and I knew in myheart that day that it was over.
Like I, just I knew thoseembryos, for whatever reason,
were no longer with us.
Yeah, they couldn't give me anyreasons, they just basically
(27:05):
were like start over.
We didn't have the means tostart over.
You know, like we had spent allour money.
You know this was it.
So it was devastating, it reallywas the biggest blow.
And just to not have an answerof what happened, an answer of
(27:28):
what happened, you don't, youdon't hear the lab fucking up
that much.
You know, like, um, but we knew, we knew something went down,
um, and to this day I knowsomething went down.
I didn't need them to tell mesomething went wrong, but
something went wrong, um, so wetook some time off.
(27:50):
Uh, we really needed to recoup.
Um, I knew I wasn't going togive up, but I felt really
defeated and again, you know,financially, emotionally,
physically, it's like where dowe go from here?
Like we just did everything wewere supposed to do.
I had 13 embryos.
I had 34 eggs 13 embryos, I had34 eggs.
(28:13):
I had every shot to getpregnant.
So we took a break.
I let myself heal a little bitand then I picked right back up
and I said it's time to get asecond opinion.
We got to go somewhere else.
So that's what we did, and Imean thank God we did what we
(28:33):
did.
And I mean thank God we did.
So we met a new doctor and youknow I went in with a big binder
of my paperwork.
I was so prepared and I laid itall out for him and I had notes
and you know he's lookingthrough it, you know with it,
and I mean his eyes are this big.
And he was like Molly, I feellike you were like really
mistreated.
He was like this is wild to me.
He was like why did they dothis?
(28:53):
Why were you on so muchmedication?
I can't believe you got OHSS.
Like none of this is what Iwould have done.
And then when we got to theembryos part it was validation
he was like Molly, that doesn'tjust happen in the lab.
Like you know, you have to havestate-of-the-art technology and
(29:17):
be doing things to a T.
And the fact that this happenedto you.
Something was not followed,something happened in error,
something happened in there, andhe was like, but you know,
looking at your numbers and youknow looking at your blood work,
and he was like, if you'rewilling to give it another shot,
he was like I think you got afair chance.
(29:38):
And he was like our lab, here,stuff like that doesn't happen.
And he was like this is unheardof.
And he's like, just, you know,have a little faith in me and if
you guys can muster up, youknow, the strength to do this
again, he's like let's do ittogether.
So we did, and it was acompletely different experience.
(29:59):
We decided to move forward withthis new clinic, this new
doctor.
It was a renewed sense of hopethat, yeah, we just were
defeated, but like we've gotthis new chance now with this
new doctor.
And he had a different plan andprotocol for us.
It felt good.
(30:20):
So we moved forward and youknow the medications I was
taking, the protocol, everythingwas different and that's you
know.
It felt good because I feltlike this was being tailored to
me.
You know I wasn't just a number.
You know, going througheveryone does the same steps.
I felt like this doctor reallywas like Molly, for your you
(30:44):
know, your blood work and whatyou did the previous round, this
is what we're going to dodifferent this round.
So it felt really good.
You know, we decided, obviously,to go straight to IVF.
There was no sense of kind ofdoing anything prior to that, we
just jumped in full force.
(31:04):
So we had an egg retrieval.
So, um, we had an egg retrievaland, um, again, I took off some
time to, you know, heal recruit, you know my body had been
through a lot.
So we did another frozentransfer.
We didn't do a fresh transfer.
Um, and everything about thatday, um, we were nervous, right,
because what we had beenthrough before with the lab,
(31:27):
this part of the process, iswhen things went really south
for us.
So we went in that day and theembryologist and this doctor sat
us down and literally, you know, just looked in our eyes and
said Molly, your embryos arethawing beautifully, we see no
concern, everything that'ssupposed to happen is happening.
(31:48):
They showed us a picture of ourtwo embryos that we were going
to transfer, which I thought wasso cool.
I just loved seeing a littlepicture, you know, of those
cells.
So we went in and wetransferred two embryos and we
left that day and I looked at myhusband and I said something's
(32:11):
different about today.
I really something's different.
I feel good, I feel at ease,you know.
And 10 days later, early, whenI wasn't supposed to test at
home, I did early.
When I wasn't supposed to testat home, I did and it's the
(32:32):
first positive we've ever gottenand you know I'll remember that
moment and second in place intime forever.
So first transfer with this newdoctor and it took, and it took
(32:53):
my biggest piece of advicesomeone going through this
journey is you've got to be yourown biggest advocate.
You know you.
You know in your gut whensomething's wrong or something
feels off, you know no one'sgoing to push you and you know
be rooting for you as much asyourself.
So you do owe it to yourself,to.
You know, in something this big, continue to push for yourself.
There's so much information andeducation luckily available now
(33:18):
on, you know, ivf, it's okay todo your own research and ask
the questions and you know,advocate for yourself.
Another thing you know that Ithink is the biggest piece of
advice and you know what Ilearned from our journey is you
know this was nine years ago forme.
(33:40):
So the social platform, you know, isn't quite, as you know,
large as it is now, but I doremember on Instagram I was
laying in bed one night and Ijust happened to put in hashtag
IVF and it was like a light bulbwent off.
It was alarming to me how muchinformation in a community of
(34:06):
women and people struggling withinfertility have come together
on social media.
So I just remember that nightlike it was, like women all
across the country and the worldin that moment were going
through exactly what I was goingthrough and it was like a holy
(34:27):
shit moment, like I was so liketo find this resource that I did
feel alone.
You know, none of mygirlfriends, none of my sisters,
no one really had been downthis path with struggling with
infertility.
So I did feel alone for, youknow, a lot of it, until I found
(34:53):
this fierce army of women.
They were strangers and we wereconnecting on a very deep level
and these strangers were nowlike my little cheerleaders on
the side that were supporting meand we I mean the bond was like
instant.
I mean we were checking on eachother daily.
(35:15):
How'd your appointment go?
What you know?
How are your follicles.
When's your transfer?
I mean, it was like thissisterhood of women that really
was like this tribe that willlive with me forever because it
honestly helped me through thisprocess more than anything else.
(35:39):
So just know you're not alone.
You're not alone there and Ithink we're getting better at
talking about infertility.
You know, you know this podcastand you know a lot of people
are getting more comfortabletalking to myself, really, for
the rest of my life, if I can bean infertility advocate for
(36:13):
anyone, you know whether it'sone person I want to be that
person to help, because itreally has changed my life
forever.
You know I'm nine years outsideof it now, but it's never going
to leave me.
It is such a big piece in myheart that, like I will support
(36:33):
anyone anytime, and anythingthat I can do to just kind of
spread a little bit of knowledgeor share my journey to inspire
others.
I'm here for it.
Thank you, when you're lookingat you know, your inner group of
people, right, your friends,your spouse, your family, your
(36:57):
coworkers.
When you're going through thisjourney, I do recommend, you
know, not having to keep toyourself.
Talk about it.
Let people know what you'regoing through because it's
affecting your whole life, it'saffecting your job, it's
affecting your relationship withyour girlfriends.
(37:18):
So the biggest thing thatyou're going to hear the most is
just relax.
You know, just maybe when youstop trying it will finally
happen.
Take a break.
You know, just maybe when youstop trying it will finally
happen.
Take a break.
You know those things thatpeople they think they're being
(37:39):
supportive, they think those arehelpful things.
It hurts, it stings, it'salmost laughable.
But I do give people you knowyou got to give these people
grace because they don't knowwhat you're going through and
they think these things thatthey're saying are helpful, even
though they're not.
So my, my biggest piece ofadvice is you know you can show
(38:04):
your vulnerable side of whatyou're going through.
I remember it was really hardfor me because I was in that
stage of life where all myfriends were getting married and
having babies if not on theirfirst baby, their second baby.
So everyone's going through themotions and they're moving
throughout life and I'm standingstill.
You know my life isn't movingforward.
(38:27):
So I, you know I was kind of inthis bitter place of you know
for my best friends if youinvited me to your baby shower
like I was mad at you, like howdare you?
But then if you didn't inviteme to your baby shower because
you were trying to protect me,well, I was even more pissed.
(38:48):
So it was like this verychallenging point that you're
navigating with your friends, sojust it's okay to let them know
how you're feeling.
They're not going to probablyget it, but they should know how
you're feeling and some of yourfriends are going to be better
about it than others, but you'llknow the ones that you can go
(39:11):
to.
I found a quote that you knowit really stuck with me and it
was one of those.
I really am happy for you, butI'm truly sad for myself too,
and I had to say that to myselfa lot.
Like I am happy that my bestfriend just got pregnant, but
(39:31):
I'm really sad for me still too.
And you know, if you'recomfortable, you know telling
yourself that over and overagain, I do think it's going to
help you out.
So our infertility journeyimpacted my relationship, my
(39:52):
marriage with my spousesignificantly.
I'll say.
First and foremost, it createdthis fierce, fiery bond, like we
were in it together, we weregoing to fight together, and
that felt good.
You know, it was kind of thisnew bond, you know, in a newly
(40:15):
marriage.
But that aside, you know I'vehad several conversations with
my husband that it affected himtremendously because he felt
helpless, tremendously becausehe felt helpless.
(40:37):
So you know, watching his wifetake the burden of this journey,
you know, especially physically.
And he didn't, you know, beingthe male, he obviously did not
have to go through the physicalailments that I did.
That didn't sit with him well,that didn't sit with him well.
So also, he was my shot giver,you know, and I think that took
a toll on him.
(40:58):
You know, just having to dothose daily shots multiple times
a day, you know it was hard andthat was a new territory and
feeling for him that he wasn'tused to.
I can say too and we'recomfortable talking about it now
but he was my safe space duringthe day.
(41:19):
You know, he was my pin cushion, he was supportive and gave me
grace.
But what I didn't know at thetime is, you know, when I would
go to bed at night.
He was turning to bourbon, sothat was his escape and I I
didn't know it, but that's whathe needed and he was doing it by
(41:41):
himself and I feel like that'sprobably a whole nother episode
going down that path.
But yeah, so, yeah, I mean youknow everybody handles trauma
and hard life events differentlyand you know we got through
that.
But he, he needed his space andthat was kind of his outlet at
(42:05):
night and I didn't know.
But yeah, I mean it definitely,infertility definitely affected
our marriage in different ways.
But at the end of the day, wewere fighting this together and
we actually I thought this wasmy husband is a tattoo
(42:26):
enthusiast, he's a tattoocollector.
I mean he's 90% coveredenthusiast, he's a tattoo
collector.
I mean he's 90% covered.
And I had no tattoos.
And one day when we were havinga rough time, he said let's go,
let's go get some type ofinfertility journey bond tattoo
together, let's do it.
(42:47):
And I was like let's do it.
So you know, he caught up histattoo artist on a whim and he
was like I want to do that, comein right now.
So we got it literally says ourjourney.
We both got the same tattoo andit has this beautiful blue bird
and that was my first tattooand I love that day, like it
(43:08):
means a lot to me.
And we look at our tattoos andwe're like we did that together.
So I do think that that's alittle special part of our
journey I do like to share.
So, since he was, he doesn'thave much room, so that was a
challenge.
So his is actually at the lowerbase of his neck Mine's on my
ribs mine's on my ribs.
Speaker 5 (43:34):
My name is Simi and I have three children, ages 11, 5
, and 4.
And you know, my journeystarted when I was about 36,
because that's, you know, when Ifound the person I wanted to be
with and by the time I was 37,we figured we wanted to have
kids.
And actually the first one waspretty simple.
(43:57):
You know, my wife and I decidedthat we wanted to have children
and we found a donor thatlooked like her, had the same
ethnic background as her, hadthe same interests as her.
It was really kind of feltperfect.
And we went through an IUIprocedure, went through it once
and then, three weeks later,tested positive and I was
(44:19):
pregnant and, you know, had thebaby and it was, it was
miraculous and it changed ourlives.
And then, probably about two,when he was about two, we
decided we wanted to do it againand by that time I was like 39
and went through the sameprocess, um, expecting the same
kind of results.
I don't know why, I should knowbetter.
(44:39):
And it was just we didn't getpregnant.
And then we do it the nextmonth and it didn't work and and
we tried for that for probablyabout six months, used some
clomid didn't work.
Um got referred to aninfertility specialist.
Um, the the drugs got moreintense, the the regimens got
(45:03):
more intense, um, and the stresslevels about it got more
intense, right.
So, um, it went from likehopeful to, uh, just this weird
heartbreak every month when itdidn't work.
Then, you know, we kept on thatfor probably about, maybe about
(45:23):
another year to um triedeverything.
I mean, just like we used tojoke that we were, just like we
could have bought like multiplecars and multiple homes with the
amount of money we werespending, but it was worth it.
I mean, you look at your, youlook at your baby and you're
like I want him to have abrother or sister.
I, you know, I grew up in a bigfamily.
(45:44):
I wanted that and it just youcouldn't make it happen.
And in my life I I don't know,I it was always a thing that if
you wanted something and youworked harder, you could just
make it happen.
And this wasn't like that, andso that was wildly frustrating
(46:05):
and it was um just really sadevery month.
And I didn't, we didn't tellmany people we were going
through it, um, and so it'sisolating a little bit too,
because you're kind of goingthrough all of these things.
The hormones are hitting you,um, you have a job where you
can't really allow that to shownot ever and the stress builds
(46:27):
and you know it's, it's justhard all around.
So we went through a few yearsof that and ultimately decided
to work with a center inColorado.
So we flew out and had anevaluation there and, for good
or bad they were, they were.
They were great, they weregreat to deal with, but at the
(46:49):
end they were just like you, youare not going to be able to use
your eggs to have this nextbaby.
And you know, I know, logically, of course, I mean by that time
I'm like what?
42?
Yeah, but it really it hits youin a weird way because it feels
like you failed, I felt, andit's uncomfortable.
(47:15):
So we went through the processof finding an egg donor and I
kind of went through the sameprocess that she did for the
sperm donor.
I was like, okay, well, thiswill be my representation in the
baby, and how do I definemyself baby?
And and how do I define myself?
What characteristics do I thinkI want to pass on to my child?
(47:37):
And so it was like a reallyinteresting, like psychological
exercise to go through, causeyou know, at the beginning you
think you know I'm this, youknow I'm like five, six, I'm
Indian, I'm whatever, you knowwhat, all the things that you
kind of think define you.
And as I was going through theprofiles I realized that those
weren't the most importantthings, because you have to
(47:58):
really drill down to the core,core elements.
I mean it's not like thisencyclopedia of people, I mean
it's a, it's a pretty narrowgroup.
So I really whittled it down to, I think, the three core values
that I really wanted to sharewith my kids the ability to work
hard, the ability to beambitious.
And weirdly, I don't know why,cheekbones were part of it,
(48:19):
because my grandmother had highcheekbones and I had high
cheekbones and I don't know itwas funny, it wasn't being
Indian, it wasn't any of theother stuff.
So we were fortunate enough toget an egg donor, so we were
fortunate enough to get an eggdonor.
But then it feels like, youknow, your heart is riding this,
(48:42):
this, on this trip, withsomething you can't control, and
I'm very much used tocontrolling so many things in my
world.
But you know, you, you have totrust that somebody's going to
find the right person, thatsomebody's going, that they're
going to be able to follow theregimen.
I mean, it's it's a lot oftrust and it's a lot of anxiety
and I'm not really an anxiousperson, but boy during that time
probably was.
But we're really grateful forthis incredibly generous egg
(49:03):
donor that we didn't meet.
It was all anonymous andthrough an agency, but she had a
great outcome.
When we got, we had embryos andthen, you know, went to
Colorado and had it implantedand had to be successful for
both of my daughters.
So the first one and then, twoyears later, with this, the
(49:23):
second one and I know thatsounds like a pretty simple trip
the way, uh it it is this realI'm not, I'm not a, I wouldn't
say I'm like a terriblyemotional person, but boy, I
went on a roller coaster ofstuff that you just you feel
like a failure.
You feel like why can't I do it?
Everybody else on earth seemsto be having babies around the
(49:43):
same time you're going throughthis.
Um, when people would tell meto relax, I, it was the worst.
It took me probably about, Iwould say, three or four years
before we went down the eggdonation route.
I just, uh, I feel like I don'tknow.
(50:03):
You have to kind of shake.
I had to shake for me thefeeling like if I worked harder,
if I I used different drugs, ifI just did something else
different, if I just relaxed theway that people told me to
relax, if I just took a vacation, if I just, I don't know, like
there there was like no endingto like the number of things
people would tell you to do andI would, I would, I'm, I would
(50:26):
do it all.
Like everything mean, like theintensity of the, the hormones I
was on was now, when I reflectback, insane.
So you kind of have to come toa feeling of it's okay.
I want a baby, I want my familyto grow and you know I loved my
(50:48):
baby so much and and Belindaloved, like you know, it's our
son and I think probably thatwas the thing that really helped
me is that he's her kid Throughand through.
He like, acts like her, helooks like her, he talks like
her, and it is such a joy and Idon't see any difference there
(51:08):
and I'm like, well, if she hasthat with him, then of course
our baby is going to besimilarly attached to us.
And they are.
I mean, they are incredible, Imean they're feisty and funny
and like I couldn't, we couldn'tadore them more.
And I reflect back a lot and I'mlike, you know, if I could have
(51:29):
my journey be different, if Icould, will it differently?
I wouldn't, because I don'twant any other kids.
These are my kids and that's it.
And so that's kind of how Ithink about it.
I have a niece and a cousin whohave struggled with infertility
at different times and Iremember they were like, well,
would you change it if you could?
And now the answer isabsolutely not, Like I wouldn't
(51:53):
change a single thing.
I'm so glad it failed for mebecause I wouldn't have those
two girls, but it's hard toexplain until they're like there
in your presence and they're soconnected to you in every way,
Like they're just embedded intoyour being and that's.
It's tough to describe, but Iwouldn't change anything and
(52:14):
it's interesting to say thatwhen you know there was a point
in time in 2017 when I wouldhave done anything To have it
work the way it was supposed.
In my mind at the time it wassupposed to work.
I couldn't be more thrilledthat it didn't.
Oh my God, Just relax, Go onvacation.
My husband and I went on athree-week cruise and it just
(52:37):
worked for us.
Why don't you just settle downabout it?
You're thinking about it toomuch.
That was a favorite.
I'm, like you know, I'm an ICUdoctor.
Do you know how much likeintense stuff I see and I'm not
like.
Do you know how much likeintense stuff I see and I'm not
like a stressed person Like I?
I handle stress great, but youit this is different.
(52:58):
It hits your body and minddifferently and it it kind of
preys on, like you know, justthose little insecurities Like
why can't you have it?
Everybody can have it.
Everybody in the world's havingbabies but not you, and that's
that's that at the time wasreally really tough for me.
But you know, I don't knowthere's something about and you
know, in your mind at least forme, when my family was complete
(53:20):
and I had my, and then that'sthe other thing.
Well, you have your son.
You should be thrilled.
You're so lucky, and you know,just take it and move on.
I don't know.
I think there's just a, there'ssomething in your soul that
knows when you're finished and Iwasn't finished this impacted
my mental health by it was.
(53:41):
It was a quiet way, because youknow I'm a very private person
and I didn't share the journeywith many people, and so it was
an intense amount of stress tonot allow, you know, allow it to
affect me at work and you'dcome home and you'd be kind of
depressed, in a bad mood,feeling like a failure, and you
(54:04):
know it's hard on you, it's hardon your relationship, you know
it's, and it was a little bit ofa dark phase, I would say, for
a couple years.
I'm really great at talking toother women who have infertility
issues, or because I will say Isee them in my life and I and I
(54:26):
see them overlooked in waysthat I had wouldn't have
recognized before.
You know a family member whohas a miscarriage and
everybody's like, well, she'lljust try again.
I'm like no, no, no, that's nothow that goes.
So it's this sort of quietconnection you have with people
(54:48):
that I wouldn't have had beforebecause I wouldn't have
understood it, and the abilityto help share my support and
thoughts and story with them, sothat they don't feel quite so
alone, because it is a veryisolating experience for sure,
and I don't want them to gothrough that.
The stigma, you know people saythe right things oh, it's going
to be okay, It'll be fine.
(55:08):
Your family, you know you haveone, it's going to be fine.
But I think it's a little bitof a self-imposed stigma too, If
I reflect back, like peoplewere genuinely supportive they
really were.
They said the worst kind ofstuff, though, and the stuff
that would make you spiral intofeeling into a bad place, and so
I do think reframing andhelping people understand the
(55:29):
right things to say, the rightquestions to ask.
Like you know, I have a cousinwho had gone through it, and you
know she's like you're the onlyperson who doesn't ask me if it
worked.
You're the only person whodoesn't, and they understand
that.
I'm not asking if you'repregnant now after this
treatment, not because I don't,I'm not interested, Of course,
(55:50):
I'm incredibly interested, butit is very painful every time to
look at people and say, not,this time we tried really hard
but it didn't work out.
This time you say it and youput on a good face and then go
home and you feel like crapabout it.
I think it's constantreassurance that they're doing
the right things, thateverybody's journey is different
(56:13):
and it's okay sometimes to shutout all those extra voices that
are telling you do this, take acruise, go on a trip, do
whatever that you know, trustyourself, Go through the process
that you need to go through,Find the physicians, the teams
that you trust and work withthem.
(56:33):
And that's the most to me, themost important thing, because it
kind of tears you down as aperson a little bit, and to just
rebuild them and kind of givethem the confidence that you're
doing the right stuff.
The fact that you went swimming, you know, didn't change the
outcome.
The fact that you went on aplane trip and they told you,
you know, didn't change theoutcome.
The fact that you went on aplane trip and they told you,
(56:53):
you know, maybe you should waittwo weeks and you went on day 13
didn't change the math at all.
But the hard thing is when yougo through this there's so much
you know.
Obviously there's some likethere's clearly like medical
structure behind the advice theygive, but some of it's just
guesswork.
Right, you should do this.
You shouldn't do that.
You should go on a trip?
(57:15):
You shouldn't go on a trip.
You should drive?
You shouldn't drive.
You should lay down for 12hours after the IUI, you
shouldn't.
I mean.
I think it's just supportingthem and feeling confident in
their choices, because everychoice you make that doesn't
work out racks you with thissort of self-doubt, racks you
(57:37):
with boy.
What if I had done that?
My mom told me to do this andmy aunt told me to do this and
the lady at the grocery storesaid this worked for her.
You kind of have to shut peopleout a little bit and just like
listen to to yourself and notpunish yourself when things
don't work out because it's outof your hands, and that's a
really hard thing for people whoare really used to controlling
(58:01):
the environment around them.
Right, Like, I'm pretty good at, you know, bringing the weather
, changing the mood.
You know I adjust a lot ofstuff at work and I'm pretty
good at that.
And so to recognize and acceptthat this actually has nothing
to do with the decisions I make,it sounds easy, but it is
(58:24):
really really tough when you'reused to being able to command a
room.
And it's hard because you go topeople who are well-meaning your
doctor, your friends, whateverand they're like well, I did
this and you did this, and boy,did you take that trip?
I thought you weren't supposedto.
I mean, like you can.
It just spirals and then theanxiety starts.
Then they're like well, don'tbe anxious.
Well, how can I not be anxious?
(58:44):
There's no right.
Like, if I, if I walk two steps, you told me I should have
walked four.
If you tell me I should walkand exercise, great.
If you tell me I shouldn't walkand exercise, okay.
Well, my best advice to peopleis to stop listening to
everybody and just follow whatyou feel works for you.
Speaker 1 (59:04):
If you've made it to the end of this episode, thank
you.
And before we wrap, I just wantto say to everyone who's
listened, shared or reached outduring this infertility series
you've helped create somethingso much bigger than a podcast
series.
You've helped build a community.
And guess what?
We're not stopping here.
We're actually planning anin-person gathering for everyone
(59:24):
who shared their story in thisseries, and we'd love to extend
the invite to you too.
If this series spoke to you, ifyou felt connected, inspired or
just want to be in the roomwith some badass humans who've
walked this path, you're invited.
Shoot me a DM or email the showand we'll get you the details.
And because community iseverything, we're also launching
a free Slack channel for anyonegoing through infertility.
(59:45):
This will be a safe space toconnect, share, ask questions
and just be with others who getit.
If you want in, head over tokerrycroftcom and subscribe to
the email list.
We'll send you everything youneed to join that space.
And hey, if you want to followall the things I'm building
Total Badass, the Kerry CroftShow, events, coaching you know
where to find me Againkerrycroftcom.
(01:00:08):
Sign up, stay connected and bethe first to know what's coming
next Speaking of next, get readyfor May, where we'll take a
deep dive into mental health.
We're cracking open theconversations that need to be
had.
If you've got a story to shareor feel called to be a part of
that series, hit me up.
I'd love to hear from you.
Thank you for being a part ofthis and, until next time, keep
(01:00:28):
moving, baby.
Struggling to conceive.
Pinnacle Fertility Ohio offerspersonalized concierge fertility
care, expert guidance and adedicated navigator for support
every step of the way.
No wait for starting IVF Booknow at RGIOhiocom, where
families start and dreams ofparenthood are realized.
Welcome back to the Keri CroftShow.
(00:20):
If you've been with me throughthis infertility series then you
know this hasn't been just acollection of stories.
It's been a full-on masterclassin what it means to be human.
The heartbreak, the hope, thegrit and grace.
It's all here and today.
As we close this chapter, we'regoing out on a high note,
wrapped in gratitude for everysingle person who's opened their
(00:43):
heart along the way.
This episode it's a love letterto the winding, unpredictable,
messy, beautiful roads that leadto family.
You'll meet Melissa, whoendured the crushing loss of
twins but refused to let griefhave the final word.
She became a mom twice over,the second time, at 43 years old
.
You'll hear from Molly, whoseembryos were lost in a freak lab
(01:08):
glitch Can you even imagine butwho found her way back
alongside her husband, to theirmiracle, now seven-year-old
twins.
And finally Simi, an ICU doctorwho's used to bringing the
weather, steering the storm, butwhen she and her wife couldn't
conceive a second child, theymade the bold choice to search
for an egg donor and expandtheir family in a way they
(01:30):
hadn't expected.
These stories aren't here to tiea neat little bow on
infertility.
They're here to remind youfamily is built in more ways
than one.
There is no one single rightpath.
There is only the one path thatfeels right for you.
So if this series has crackedsomething open in you, if it's
made you feel seen, heard orjust a little less alone, don't
(01:54):
keep it to yourself.
Share it, follow the show,leave a review, help someone
else find their way here,because maybe, just maybe, this
is the conversation they've beenwaiting for too.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
I am Melissa.
I am currently 44 years old,almost 45.
I am mother to my daughter Elle, who is six, and my son Michael
, who is 10 months.
I started trying activelytrying to become a mother almost
, I guess, 10 years ago.
I had three losses prior to thebirth of my daughter two
(02:32):
miscarriages.
One was with twins.
My daughter was born.
I did not use fertility drugsor anything like that for my
daughter and I had her healthybaby girl at age 39.
Like that for my daughter, andI had her healthy baby girl at
age 39.
After her I experienced anotherloss and went through about a
year and a half of working withmy OB and a fertility specialist
(02:54):
in attempts to become pregnantagain.
All of those attempts wereunsuccessful and I kind of gave
up and then ended up pregnantwith my son at age 43 and
delivered him at 44.
With my experience personally, Iknow that every woman and
family goes through their ownthing, but I do feel that not
(03:17):
giving up hope, even when youwant to and even when you might
have a doctor telling you to, isreally important.
You know your body and what'sright for you and I do feel like
I'm living proof of neverunderestimate what might happen
in your life or with your bodyor with your family, that you
know you can be in your mid late40s and still have very healthy
(03:39):
pregnancies, very healthychildren.
I'm very lucky to have anamazing OB.
That was very encouraging.
Dr Shepard if you haven't heardof her, which most people and
women in Columbus I think haveis just the most amazing woman
doctor or provider.
I think when you talk aboutwomen's health, she should be
(04:01):
the billboard for it.
She is just caring, considerate, intelligent strength I mean,
she's the tiniest woman you'veever seen and I would put her up
against anyone and she hasfight and kept telling me not to
give up, that you can fight theright pregnancy and you know
(04:22):
she said that throughout thelosses with my before, my
daughter and after, and when Igave up hope, she did it.
And I didn't believe it wasgoing to work for us.
I really didn't.
I mean, I think we all gothrough those times where we're
just give up like this.
You see all your friends andyour family and everybody else
walking down the street in thepark with children, and it's not
you.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
And you just, you know, year after year, you just
think it's not going to happen.
And she didn't.
You know she didn't let us giveup and you know I'm so grateful
for her and I think that'sreally important.
You can give up hope for alittle bit, but just keep
finding it and keep trying tofind that.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
We had been seeing a fertility specialist and it
basically did IUI a couple oftimes and successfully different
medications, different thingsand it came down to him, you
know, basically saying at my agethat he felt the only option to
have a successful pregnancywould be to use donor egg, and
my husband and I at that timedidn't want to take that route.
(05:23):
We felt that our family waswhat it was and maybe this is
God's way of just telling us wehave our healthy daughter.
We're good, but always knowingin the back of my mind I still
wanted more children and I'llnever forget.
I went to my consultation witha fertility specialist.
Well, it was in my room, it wasan online Zoom, and I got off
(05:45):
with him and I just bawled.
And then I actually had myannual appointment with Dr
Shepard like within an hour.
It happened to be justscheduled on the same day, so
she walks in hey, how are you?
Immediately start bawling.
And again she said you know,don't give up.
If this is what you want to do,don't give up.
And she said if you want to tryIVF yourself, that's always an
(06:05):
option.
And I said I think we just needto stop Like, I think we just
need to put, at least for thesummer, just give my body a
break, give my mind a break.
And my husband was like we'redone and so you know, tmi, but
like, after you're trying to getpregnant, sometimes it's not
all that fun like having sex.
(06:27):
And so there was, I'll say, alull in our sex life.
Like you know, when it's timedand it's planned and it's the
pressure, um, so we hadn't evenbeen really having sex and I
hadn't been using my app to lookat my ovulation and blah, blah,
blah, blah.
And I mean we literally had sexone time and I don't know how
(06:48):
many months.
And then we were flying toFlorida and me, him and my
daughter, and it was a morningflight and he was having a drink
.
He was like have a drink?
And I was like I don't reallylike flying and drinking with my
daughter.
Just, you know, while I had adrink and I was like you know, I
don't feel good, when we gotthere and I was like there's no
(07:09):
way I'm pregnant, there'sabsolutely no way.
And I was like but I'm alsogoing to be here, I'm going to
be eating sushi and oysters and,you know, having cocktails,
whatever.
I'm like I, when I went to thegrocery store to get food for
the week because we have a condo.
I just grabbed a pregnancy test, didn't tell him.
I was like I'm not even sayinganything to him.
Well, I took it in the bathroomof the condo and I was literally
(07:29):
, I mean, I was shocked.
I was absolutely like shocked,jaw drop.
And I'm like my daughter wasout in the family room and I was
like, call my husband in.
I'm like hey, come look at this.
And he looked and he was likehow the fuck did that happen?
Like, like, when did that?
Even?
Like, how could that?
How could that happen?
I mean, we were both justshocked and so, and then you
(07:53):
quickly go from shock to youknow, like the fear, the
excitement, but also the fearand knowing like the outcomes
that have happened.
And now I'm even older, but yeah, I mean, I'm still.
I still am shocked, like Iliterally look at my baby every
morning and just cannot believehe's ours.
Even this morning my daughtergot him and brought him in the
(08:15):
bedroom and she was like, canyou believe Bubby's here.
And I'm like, no, I can't.
Like I think she we like, wetalk about it all the time she
always, you know, always wouldask about a brother and a sister
and she says these sweet thingslike that.
She's very mature for asix-year-old, I feel.
But I mean I literally cannotbelieve I had a baby.
I can't.
Statistically speaking, we know, at our age I mean, I consider
(08:40):
myself somewhat healthy, ahealthier person.
But once you get into your 40s,I mean even your late 30s, we
know, statistically it's achallenge, it's an uphill battle
, but again it can happen.
Like this I am living proof myvery healthy, wild man is living
proof that you know there aremiracles, there are
(09:00):
possibilities, there are optionsthat you just never know how
your story will end Like I justI can't believe this is how our
family story ended, because Inever thought it would and it
did, and I'm so proud of it,like I'm so proud that we were
able to have this happen to us.
(09:21):
It just it's a dream and it's ahard, you know, for for so many
people for so many years, andyou know we experienced that.
But you know sounds so cheesy,but dreams can come true and
they really do.
They really do for a lot ofpeople, in whichever way that
dream looks for you.
Typically, it's not a word thatmight be used when speaking of
(09:42):
fertility and fertility, theprocess of starting your family,
but I am really proud of whathappened to us and what we were
through.
And me, I'm proud of my body.
I'm proud of being able tocarry two healthy children, like
the older you get and aftergoing through the experience of
carrying a child or watching achild be born, it's a miracle
(10:03):
every time, no matter if and Ihave chills like I just think
about, like if it happens amillion times a day, it's still
a miracle every time.
And just what our bodies can do, what our hearts and our minds
can do, what our families do,like, I'm just so proud to be a
mom and to be able to share myexperiences.
I was lucky.
I don't know if I want to usethe word lucky, probably not the
(10:24):
word lucky.
I had a lot of women in my lifethat had done IVF that you know
had opened up about theirmiscarriages, their losses,
their struggles, and so I feellike, even with that maybe not
talking about being proud of thejourney is something we say
enough, and I think it's reallyimportant that we are able to
(10:46):
say that and be loud and vocalabout like this is a fight and
you know it's not always easy.
It's not.
You know I'm not 18 years oldand you know getting pregnant
very easily and it's it's abattle sometimes and you know
it's easy to get up.
It's like like it's easy to.
I can see why marriages don'tmake it at times and I can see,
(11:08):
you know, why families changethroughout the process and you
know we have I have cousins andfamily members that adopted and
you know there's a lot of withinmy family, different stories
and different experiences andand I think that you know, being
proud of my story is somethingI hope to show my children too,
and my daughter my experienceswith infertility definitely
(11:34):
impacted my mental health inmany ways.
I don't think that anyone cango through these experiences and
say it doesn't, and I'm notsaying that you have to be, you
know, clinically diagnosed withdepression or anxiety, but I had
lost my brother prior and thatwas really hard, obviously.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
So after my first loss, that pregnancy was very
much looked at, as you know,light coming to our lives at a
very dark time already.
So experiencing loss after lossafter losing my brother was,
you know, at times more painfulthan I thought that I could
(12:22):
handle.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
But that is life and we have to keep going and moving
and I didn't have an option,you know, and I knew I wanted to
keep trying and you know, therewere times when my husband
would say this is too much, likeyou know, know it's too much on
you, it's too much and it justit didn't feel um like not
trying again was ever an optionto me.
(12:52):
Maybe I would say it, but Inever felt it.
Um, maybe I would say like thisis too hard.
Because it felt too hard, um,so I would say my mental health,
uh, was definitely impacted inum many ways and not in positive
ways.
Um, there was a lot of sadness.
I mean I remember just you know, after losses, just laying in
(13:13):
bed and just it felt like I wasin a movie.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
Like you don't want to talk to anyone, you don't
want to see anyone, you justwant to be in your bed and alone
.
And I didn't even want myhusband to touch me.
I just, you know, I wanted todraw the shades and not let
anyone in.
But you know, we made itthrough those times and, um, it
(13:41):
was hard, it was really hard.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Another component of, you know, a negative response
to my mental health would be,you know, really feeling like my
body was betraying me with thelosses I had, like I said, three
miscarriage, or lost threepregnancies Felt like I was
(14:06):
doing everything right, feltlike I was living a healthy
lifestyle.
You know, seeing other womenaround me having children,
having pregnancies, and it justfelt like why, why not me?
Why am I being punished?
Is there something that I amnot worthy enough to have
children or have a family?
(14:27):
And nobody else was puttingthat in my mind, nobody made me
feel that way.
It was just me internalizingand trying to rationalize.
I think you know we do that aspeople.
We just try to find a reason.
What's the reason this ishappening?
And really there is no reasonand we can't explain it.
(14:47):
I think, with my losses too,there wasn't a genetic test or a
physical thing that Dr Shepardor anyone could say.
This is what's wrong.
Now we're going to work on this, and so your next pregnancy
will be different.
You know, dr Shepard just keptsaying it wasn't the right
pregnancy, which in some aspectswas good, but and also, like I
may, find the problem, solve theproblem.
(15:09):
Find the problem, solve theproblem and when there's nothing
besides, finding the rightpregnancy, which I can't have
control over, was very difficultfor me and my mental health
because I couldn't, there was nocontrol and I'm if you know me,
you know I like to have controlover things and when I don't, I
can start to spiral maybe, andso that was another whole piece
(15:34):
of it that I just felt like itwas just me and my body not
working together.
Positive things that have comefrom my experiences are
obviously my two beautifulchildren.
I think that through this youreally learn who you are as a
(15:58):
wife, a mother, a family member,as a woman.
I think that I now have gonethrough these experiences and
see other women going throughthem, and just the experience of
birthing a child child to me itjust blows your mind like what
our bodies can do and how womenjust show up for each other.
You know again when my brotherdied.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
I think back to the women that were there and never
left and I think about thisexperience too the women that
reached out to me, familymembers, you know I had an aunt
that wrote me a letter.
That was, you know, in her 60snow and said I've never talked
about this because it was toohard, but I had a miscarriage
and you're going to have afamily and I know it's painful,
(16:41):
and just the women that justshow up for each other and you
know God love my husband but youknow he didn't know how to be
there for me through a lot of it.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
I think and I don't blame him for any means Like
it's just.
It's just the women that showedup for me, and the women that
you know, I mean one of my dearfriends, when I experienced, you
know, another loss after I hadmy daughter.
I was telling her and she saidI will be your surrogate, like,
and I said I don't, I never eventhought about that.
Like, you know, just forsomeone to say that to you, like
(17:12):
I will use my body so you canbe a mom again, I mean, like
it's just, it's the mostbeautiful thing to be surrounded
by these women that are just socaring, strong.
Like you know, my cousins thathad gone through IVF and shared
their experiences and said thesame thing.
Like you know, my cousins thathad gone through IVF and shared
their experiences and said thesame thing like, don't give up,
don't give up.
(17:32):
And you know, were mycheerleaders when I didn't think
this was going to happen.
So, yeah, I mean, I think mychildren obviously number one,
but just knowing how many peopleare on my side and, you know,
there to fight for me and myfamily is just a really
remarkable experience too.
I know some people might nothave that and that breaks my
(17:55):
heart.
I have a really closerelationship with a lot of women
in my family and it, just, youknow, means the absolute world
to me.
Some things that people said tome that I genuinely think people
are trying to be helpful andthey're trying to be supportive.
Um, for me, I again, I hadmultiple miscarriages, so
getting pregnant was never theproblem, staying pregnant was
(18:18):
the problem.
And when you're dealing withthat, it doesn't feel good.
When someone says, well, atleast you can get pregnant,
because to me getting pregnantwas never the problem, staying
pregnant was a problem.
And so when someone says, well,at least you can get pregnant,
because to me getting pregnantwas never the problem, staying
pregnant was a problem.
And so when someone you knowdownplays your pain and your
loss by saying, well, at leastyou got pregnant, that's not
helpful, because I got pregnantbut I don't have a baby and I
(18:39):
don't have a child andmotherhood is what I want, not
pregnancy.
And again I think people just,you know, they don't know what
to say.
And I think anytime you'redealing with something
uncomfortable loss, grief.
Less is best.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I'm here for you.
Advice is not always neededunless asked for, asked for.
(19:07):
These kind of journeyscomplicate relationships even
more.
I think you know like I joke.
I got married older.
I was 35 when I got married.
I knew my husband for probablyI mean a long time, 10 years
before we got married.
We dated on and off for a longtime no-transcript whether it's
(19:57):
impacting you right now or downthe road.
Like these.
Things are very difficult tomaneuver, they're very difficult
to manage, and men and womenare very different.
Their experiences a man'sexperience with infertility or
fertility problems are is verydifferent than the woman.
You know whether they're thevery best husband in the world,
(20:18):
the various men in the world.
They're experiencing somethingthat you're not experiencing and
we're experiencing somethingthat they're not, and to mesh
this all together can be tricky.
Speaker 4 (20:32):
I am Molly.
I am 43 years old.
I have twins, boy-girl twins,mila and Ryder, seven years old.
They were conceived through IVF.
Our infertility journey startedreally right after we got
married.
So we got married a little bitlater, I was 31.
(20:55):
My husband was 30.
And we wanted to start tryingright away.
I was diagnosed at 18 with apolycystic ovary syndrome, pcos,
and you know it kind of justwent to the back of my mind.
I was put on birth control.
You know, through my 20s I wasalways on birth control and not
(21:18):
until I went off shortly aftergetting married did we find out.
I just didn't ovulate.
So we knew we were going toneed help pretty early on.
So we started our journey rightaway.
So I was put on Clomid.
We did that for I don't knoweight cycles, way too long
(21:40):
Wasn't really doing anything forme.
So we needed to really see aspecialist at that time, which
brought a lot of uncertainty andemotions.
But we were ready to jump in.
We were.
Whatever it was going to take,we were going to do.
So I was referred to afertility clinic here in
Columbus and right away we justkind of started doing some tests
(22:02):
, seeing my ovarian reserve,kind of what would be our next
protocol and we jumped in.
So we did four rounds of shotsand IUIs None were successful.
So after four rounds we, youknow, got to that hard decision
(22:25):
of it was probably time for IVF.
So we jumped right into IVF andyou know I would say it was
pretty successful.
For me, you know, being apolycystic patient, my first
retrieval I had 34 eggs, whichis a lot that's, you know, in
(22:45):
the IVF world that's a good,strong number.
So we were overjoyed with that.
And then, that's really kind ofwhen our journey started to
take a turn was after that firstegg retrieval.
We had some unexpected eventsthat really kind of took myself
and, you know, our doctors for alittle bit of a loop.
(23:09):
I started to react, you know, alittle bit different on
medications than what they weretypically used to.
So we kind of went to a plan B.
After having such a large eggretrieval of 34 eggs, I had
something called OHSS where Ihad a ton of fluid build up in
(23:30):
my abdomen and my ovaries and itjust wasn't safe for me to
transfer those embryos.
So that was kind of like ourfirst blow that we were
unexpecting.
But again, we just kind ofburied down and you know we were
going through the journeytogether.
So we thought we were going totransfer, you know, some embryos
(23:53):
right after that retrieval.
Well, we weren't.
My body needed some time torecover so we went for a frozen
embryo transfer and that's kindof where our journey took
probably the most devastatingturn.
So the morning of our frozenembryo transfer I got a phone
(24:15):
call and I knew like I'm likethis isn't good that I'm getting
a call the morning of transferand it was the embryologist from
the lab and they said Molly,we're getting ready for your
transfer and we're seeing someconcerns with the thawing of
your embryos.
They're really just, we're notsure really what's going on, but
(24:39):
your embryos aren't survivingthe thawing process.
Probably Um, probably thebiggest blow and um, just
immediate shock I've ever felthearing those words.
You know like nobody preparedus for that phone call.
You know nobody had mentionedthis could happen during the
(24:59):
thawing procedure.
So we were totally caught offguard, um, and I was told we'll
call you in an hour, we'll seewhere this goes.
At that time I had 13 frozenembryos, which was an amazing
(25:19):
amount.
You know a lot of people don'tstart with that many.
So we were very grateful forthat number and we were
confident with that number, likethis should probably lead us to
a pregnancy.
But they called me back in anhour and they said, molly, we're
really shocked.
We don't again really knowwhat's going on.
We don't see this that often,but none of your embryos are
(25:40):
surviving the thawing process.
And so I just it was just likewhat does this mean?
You know, is our journey over?
Right now, right here and then?
And then, like I just rememberlooking up at my husband, and we
just looked at each other likewell, we didn't expect this.
(26:01):
So they said, come on in, whenyou get here, we'll have an
update for you.
And I just remember, you know,driving there with my husband,
we were completely silent.
You know, I was just lookingout the car window, you know,
just looking up to God and justsaying, like this is it.
We went through all of this andit's been yanked away.
(26:23):
But we got there and theembryologist met with us and
there wasn't a lot ofconversation that day because I
think they didn't really knowwhat was going on.
They didn't want to say toomuch, but they just said you
know what, molly, we'll moveforward with the transfer.
We aren't really sure if theseembryos are even viable anymore,
(26:44):
but you're here, sure if theseembryos are even viable anymore,
but you're here, so let's justdo it.
So we did it and I knew in myheart that day that it was over.
Like I, just I knew thoseembryos, for whatever reason,
were no longer with us.
Yeah, they couldn't give me anyreasons, they just basically
(27:05):
were like start over.
We didn't have the means tostart over.
You know, like we had spent allour money.
You know this was it.
So it was devastating, it reallywas the biggest blow.
And just to not have an answerof what happened, an answer of
(27:28):
what happened, you don't, youdon't hear the lab fucking up
that much.
You know, like, um, but we knew, we knew something went down,
um, and to this day I knowsomething went down.
I didn't need them to tell mesomething went wrong, but
something went wrong, um, so wetook some time off.
(27:50):
Uh, we really needed to recoup.
Um, I knew I wasn't going togive up, but I felt really
defeated and again, you know,financially, emotionally,
physically, it's like where dowe go from here?
Like we just did everything wewere supposed to do.
I had 13 embryos.
I had 34 eggs 13 embryos, I had34 eggs.
(28:13):
I had every shot to getpregnant.
So we took a break.
I let myself heal a little bitand then I picked right back up
and I said it's time to get asecond opinion.
We got to go somewhere else.
So that's what we did, and Imean thank God we did what we
(28:33):
did.
And I mean thank God we did.
So we met a new doctor and youknow I went in with a big binder
of my paperwork.
I was so prepared and I laid itall out for him and I had notes
and you know he's lookingthrough it, you know with it,
and I mean his eyes are this big.
And he was like Molly, I feellike you were like really
mistreated.
He was like this is wild to me.
He was like why did they dothis?
(28:53):
Why were you on so muchmedication?
I can't believe you got OHSS.
Like none of this is what Iwould have done.
And then when we got to theembryos part it was validation
he was like Molly, that doesn'tjust happen in the lab.
Like you know, you have to havestate-of-the-art technology and
(29:17):
be doing things to a T.
And the fact that this happenedto you.
Something was not followed,something happened in error,
something happened in there, andhe was like, but you know,
looking at your numbers and youknow looking at your blood work,
and he was like, if you'rewilling to give it another shot,
he was like I think you got afair chance.
(29:38):
And he was like our lab, here,stuff like that doesn't happen.
And he was like this is unheardof.
And he's like, just, you know,have a little faith in me and if
you guys can muster up, youknow, the strength to do this
again, he's like let's do ittogether.
So we did, and it was acompletely different experience.
(29:59):
We decided to move forward withthis new clinic, this new
doctor.
It was a renewed sense of hopethat, yeah, we just were
defeated, but like we've gotthis new chance now with this
new doctor.
And he had a different plan andprotocol for us.
It felt good.
(30:20):
So we moved forward and youknow the medications I was
taking, the protocol, everythingwas different and that's you
know.
It felt good because I feltlike this was being tailored to
me.
You know I wasn't just a number.
You know, going througheveryone does the same steps.
I felt like this doctor reallywas like Molly, for your you
(30:44):
know, your blood work and whatyou did the previous round, this
is what we're going to dodifferent this round.
So it felt really good.
You know, we decided, obviously,to go straight to IVF.
There was no sense of kind ofdoing anything prior to that, we
just jumped in full force.
(31:04):
So we had an egg retrieval.
So, um, we had an egg retrievaland, um, again, I took off some
time to, you know, heal recruit, you know my body had been
through a lot.
So we did another frozentransfer.
We didn't do a fresh transfer.
Um, and everything about thatday, um, we were nervous, right,
because what we had beenthrough before with the lab,
(31:27):
this part of the process, iswhen things went really south
for us.
So we went in that day and theembryologist and this doctor sat
us down and literally, you know, just looked in our eyes and
said Molly, your embryos arethawing beautifully, we see no
concern, everything that'ssupposed to happen is happening.
(31:48):
They showed us a picture of ourtwo embryos that we were going
to transfer, which I thought wasso cool.
I just loved seeing a littlepicture, you know, of those
cells.
So we went in and wetransferred two embryos and we
left that day and I looked at myhusband and I said something's
(32:11):
different about today.
I really something's different.
I feel good, I feel at ease,you know.
And 10 days later, early, whenI wasn't supposed to test at
home, I did early.
When I wasn't supposed to testat home, I did and it's the
(32:32):
first positive we've ever gottenand you know I'll remember that
moment and second in place intime forever.
So first transfer with this newdoctor and it took, and it took
(32:53):
my biggest piece of advicesomeone going through this
journey is you've got to be yourown biggest advocate.
You know you.
You know in your gut whensomething's wrong or something
feels off, you know no one'sgoing to push you and you know
be rooting for you as much asyourself.
So you do owe it to yourself,to.
You know, in something this big, continue to push for yourself.
There's so much information andeducation luckily available now
(33:18):
on, you know, ivf, it's okay todo your own research and ask
the questions and you know,advocate for yourself.
Another thing you know that Ithink is the biggest piece of
advice and you know what Ilearned from our journey is you
know this was nine years ago forme.
(33:40):
So the social platform, you know, isn't quite, as you know,
large as it is now, but I doremember on Instagram I was
laying in bed one night and Ijust happened to put in hashtag
IVF and it was like a light bulbwent off.
It was alarming to me how muchinformation in a community of
(34:06):
women and people struggling withinfertility have come together
on social media.
So I just remember that nightlike it was, like women all
across the country and the worldin that moment were going
through exactly what I was goingthrough and it was like a holy
(34:27):
shit moment, like I was so liketo find this resource that I did
feel alone.
You know, none of mygirlfriends, none of my sisters,
no one really had been downthis path with struggling with
infertility.
So I did feel alone for, youknow, a lot of it, until I found
(34:53):
this fierce army of women.
They were strangers and we wereconnecting on a very deep level
and these strangers were nowlike my little cheerleaders on
the side that were supporting meand we I mean the bond was like
instant.
I mean we were checking on eachother daily.
(35:15):
How'd your appointment go?
What you know?
How are your follicles.
When's your transfer?
I mean, it was like thissisterhood of women that really
was like this tribe that willlive with me forever because it
honestly helped me through thisprocess more than anything else.
(35:39):
So just know you're not alone.
You're not alone there and Ithink we're getting better at
talking about infertility.
You know, you know this podcastand you know a lot of people
are getting more comfortabletalking to myself, really, for
the rest of my life, if I can bean infertility advocate for
(36:13):
anyone, you know whether it'sone person I want to be that
person to help, because itreally has changed my life
forever.
You know I'm nine years outsideof it now, but it's never going
to leave me.
It is such a big piece in myheart that, like I will support
(36:33):
anyone anytime, and anythingthat I can do to just kind of
spread a little bit of knowledgeor share my journey to inspire
others.
I'm here for it.
Thank you, when you're lookingat you know, your inner group of
people, right, your friends,your spouse, your family, your
(36:57):
coworkers.
When you're going through thisjourney, I do recommend, you
know, not having to keep toyourself.
Talk about it.
Let people know what you'regoing through because it's
affecting your whole life, it'saffecting your job, it's
affecting your relationship withyour girlfriends.
(37:18):
So the biggest thing thatyou're going to hear the most is
just relax.
You know, just maybe when youstop trying it will finally
happen.
Take a break.
You know, just maybe when youstop trying it will finally
happen.
Take a break.
You know those things thatpeople they think they're being
(37:39):
supportive, they think those arehelpful things.
It hurts, it stings, it'salmost laughable.
But I do give people you knowyou got to give these people
grace because they don't knowwhat you're going through and
they think these things thatthey're saying are helpful, even
though they're not.
So my, my biggest piece ofadvice is you know you can show
(38:04):
your vulnerable side of whatyou're going through.
I remember it was really hardfor me because I was in that
stage of life where all myfriends were getting married and
having babies if not on theirfirst baby, their second baby.
So everyone's going through themotions and they're moving
throughout life and I'm standingstill.
You know my life isn't movingforward.
(38:27):
So I, you know I was kind of inthis bitter place of you know
for my best friends if youinvited me to your baby shower
like I was mad at you, like howdare you?
But then if you didn't inviteme to your baby shower because
you were trying to protect me,well, I was even more pissed.
(38:48):
So it was like this verychallenging point that you're
navigating with your friends, sojust it's okay to let them know
how you're feeling.
They're not going to probablyget it, but they should know how
you're feeling and some of yourfriends are going to be better
about it than others, but you'llknow the ones that you can go
(39:11):
to.
I found a quote that you knowit really stuck with me and it
was one of those.
I really am happy for you, butI'm truly sad for myself too,
and I had to say that to myselfa lot.
Like I am happy that my bestfriend just got pregnant, but
(39:31):
I'm really sad for me still too.
And you know, if you'recomfortable, you know telling
yourself that over and overagain, I do think it's going to
help you out.
So our infertility journeyimpacted my relationship, my
(39:52):
marriage with my spousesignificantly.
I'll say.
First and foremost, it createdthis fierce, fiery bond, like we
were in it together, we weregoing to fight together, and
that felt good.
You know, it was kind of thisnew bond, you know, in a newly
(40:15):
marriage.
But that aside, you know I'vehad several conversations with
my husband that it affected himtremendously because he felt
helpless, tremendously becausehe felt helpless.
(40:37):
So you know, watching his wifetake the burden of this journey,
you know, especially physically.
And he didn't, you know, beingthe male, he obviously did not
have to go through the physicalailments that I did.
That didn't sit with him well,that didn't sit with him well.
So also, he was my shot giver,you know, and I think that took
a toll on him.
(40:58):
You know, just having to dothose daily shots multiple times
a day, you know it was hard andthat was a new territory and
feeling for him that he wasn'tused to.
I can say too and we'recomfortable talking about it now
but he was my safe space duringthe day.
(41:19):
You know, he was my pin cushion, he was supportive and gave me
grace.
But what I didn't know at thetime is, you know, when I would
go to bed at night.
He was turning to bourbon, sothat was his escape and I I
didn't know it, but that's whathe needed and he was doing it by
(41:41):
himself and I feel like that'sprobably a whole nother episode
going down that path.
But yeah, so, yeah, I mean youknow everybody handles trauma
and hard life events differentlyand you know we got through
that.
But he, he needed his space andthat was kind of his outlet at
(42:05):
night and I didn't know.
But yeah, I mean it definitely,infertility definitely affected
our marriage in different ways.
But at the end of the day, wewere fighting this together and
we actually I thought this wasmy husband is a tattoo
(42:26):
enthusiast, he's a tattoocollector.
I mean he's 90% coveredenthusiast, he's a tattoo
collector.
I mean he's 90% covered.
And I had no tattoos.
And one day when we were havinga rough time, he said let's go,
let's go get some type ofinfertility journey bond tattoo
together, let's do it.
(42:47):
And I was like let's do it.
So you know, he caught up histattoo artist on a whim and he
was like I want to do that, comein right now.
So we got it literally says ourjourney.
We both got the same tattoo andit has this beautiful blue bird
and that was my first tattooand I love that day, like it
(43:08):
means a lot to me.
And we look at our tattoos andwe're like we did that together.
So I do think that that's alittle special part of our
journey I do like to share.
So, since he was, he doesn'thave much room, so that was a
challenge.
So his is actually at the lowerbase of his neck Mine's on my
ribs mine's on my ribs.
Speaker 5 (43:34):
My name is Simi and I have three children, ages 11, 5
, and 4.
And you know, my journeystarted when I was about 36,
because that's, you know, when Ifound the person I wanted to be
with and by the time I was 37,we figured we wanted to have
kids.
And actually the first one waspretty simple.
(43:57):
You know, my wife and I decidedthat we wanted to have children
and we found a donor thatlooked like her, had the same
ethnic background as her, hadthe same interests as her.
It was really kind of feltperfect.
And we went through an IUIprocedure, went through it once
and then, three weeks later,tested positive and I was
(44:19):
pregnant and, you know, had thebaby and it was, it was
miraculous and it changed ourlives.
And then, probably about two,when he was about two, we
decided we wanted to do it againand by that time I was like 39
and went through the sameprocess, um, expecting the same
kind of results.
I don't know why, I should knowbetter.
(44:39):
And it was just we didn't getpregnant.
And then we do it the nextmonth and it didn't work and and
we tried for that for probablyabout six months, used some
clomid didn't work.
Um got referred to aninfertility specialist.
Um, the the drugs got moreintense, the the regimens got
(45:03):
more intense, um, and the stresslevels about it got more
intense, right.
So, um, it went from likehopeful to, uh, just this weird
heartbreak every month when itdidn't work.
Then, you know, we kept on thatfor probably about, maybe about
(45:23):
another year to um triedeverything.
I mean, just like we used tojoke that we were, just like we
could have bought like multiplecars and multiple homes with the
amount of money we werespending, but it was worth it.
I mean, you look at your, youlook at your baby and you're
like I want him to have abrother or sister.
I, you know, I grew up in a bigfamily.
(45:44):
I wanted that and it just youcouldn't make it happen.
And in my life I I don't know,I it was always a thing that if
you wanted something and youworked harder, you could just
make it happen.
And this wasn't like that, andso that was wildly frustrating
(46:05):
and it was um just really sadevery month.
And I didn't, we didn't tellmany people we were going
through it, um, and so it'sisolating a little bit too,
because you're kind of goingthrough all of these things.
The hormones are hitting you,um, you have a job where you
can't really allow that to shownot ever and the stress builds
(46:27):
and you know it's, it's justhard all around.
So we went through a few yearsof that and ultimately decided
to work with a center inColorado.
So we flew out and had anevaluation there and, for good
or bad they were, they were.
They were great, they weregreat to deal with, but at the
(46:49):
end they were just like you, youare not going to be able to use
your eggs to have this nextbaby.
And you know, I know, logically, of course, I mean by that time
I'm like what?
42?
Yeah, but it really it hits youin a weird way because it feels
like you failed, I felt, andit's uncomfortable.
(47:15):
So we went through the processof finding an egg donor and I
kind of went through the sameprocess that she did for the
sperm donor.
I was like, okay, well, thiswill be my representation in the
baby, and how do I definemyself baby?
And and how do I define myself?
What characteristics do I thinkI want to pass on to my child?
(47:37):
And so it was like a reallyinteresting, like psychological
exercise to go through, causeyou know, at the beginning you
think you know I'm this, youknow I'm like five, six, I'm
Indian, I'm whatever, you knowwhat, all the things that you
kind of think define you.
And as I was going through theprofiles I realized that those
weren't the most importantthings, because you have to
(47:58):
really drill down to the core,core elements.
I mean it's not like thisencyclopedia of people, I mean
it's a, it's a pretty narrowgroup.
So I really whittled it down to, I think, the three core values
that I really wanted to sharewith my kids the ability to work
hard, the ability to beambitious.
And weirdly, I don't know why,cheekbones were part of it,
(48:19):
because my grandmother had highcheekbones and I had high
cheekbones and I don't know itwas funny, it wasn't being
Indian, it wasn't any of theother stuff.
So we were fortunate enough toget an egg donor, so we were
fortunate enough to get an eggdonor.
But then it feels like, youknow, your heart is riding this,
(48:42):
this, on this trip, withsomething you can't control, and
I'm very much used tocontrolling so many things in my
world.
But you know, you, you have totrust that somebody's going to
find the right person, thatsomebody's going, that they're
going to be able to follow theregimen.
I mean, it's it's a lot oftrust and it's a lot of anxiety
and I'm not really an anxiousperson, but boy during that time
probably was.
But we're really grateful forthis incredibly generous egg
(49:03):
donor that we didn't meet.
It was all anonymous andthrough an agency, but she had a
great outcome.
When we got, we had embryos andthen, you know, went to
Colorado and had it implantedand had to be successful for
both of my daughters.
So the first one and then, twoyears later, with this, the
(49:23):
second one and I know thatsounds like a pretty simple trip
the way, uh it it is this realI'm not, I'm not a, I wouldn't
say I'm like a terriblyemotional person, but boy, I
went on a roller coaster ofstuff that you just you feel
like a failure.
You feel like why can't I do it?
Everybody else on earth seemsto be having babies around the
(49:43):
same time you're going throughthis.
Um, when people would tell meto relax, I, it was the worst.
It took me probably about, Iwould say, three or four years
before we went down the eggdonation route.
I just, uh, I feel like I don'tknow.
(50:03):
You have to kind of shake.
I had to shake for me thefeeling like if I worked harder,
if I I used different drugs, ifI just did something else
different, if I just relaxed theway that people told me to
relax, if I just took a vacation, if I just, I don't know, like
there there was like no endingto like the number of things
people would tell you to do andI would, I would, I'm, I would
(50:26):
do it all.
Like everything mean, like theintensity of the, the hormones I
was on was now, when I reflectback, insane.
So you kind of have to come toa feeling of it's okay.
I want a baby, I want my familyto grow and you know I loved my
(50:48):
baby so much and and Belindaloved, like you know, it's our
son and I think probably thatwas the thing that really helped
me is that he's her kid Throughand through.
He like, acts like her, helooks like her, he talks like
her, and it is such a joy and Idon't see any difference there
(51:08):
and I'm like, well, if she hasthat with him, then of course
our baby is going to besimilarly attached to us.
And they are.
I mean, they are incredible, Imean they're feisty and funny
and like I couldn't, we couldn'tadore them more.
And I reflect back a lot and I'mlike, you know, if I could have
(51:29):
my journey be different, if Icould, will it differently?
I wouldn't, because I don'twant any other kids.
These are my kids and that's it.
And so that's kind of how Ithink about it.
I have a niece and a cousin whohave struggled with infertility
at different times and Iremember they were like, well,
would you change it if you could?
And now the answer isabsolutely not, Like I wouldn't
(51:53):
change a single thing.
I'm so glad it failed for mebecause I wouldn't have those
two girls, but it's hard toexplain until they're like there
in your presence and they're soconnected to you in every way,
Like they're just embedded intoyour being and that's.
It's tough to describe, but Iwouldn't change anything and
(52:14):
it's interesting to say thatwhen you know there was a point
in time in 2017 when I wouldhave done anything To have it
work the way it was supposed.
In my mind at the time it wassupposed to work.
I couldn't be more thrilledthat it didn't.
Oh my God, Just relax, Go onvacation.
My husband and I went on athree-week cruise and it just
(52:37):
worked for us.
Why don't you just settle downabout it?
You're thinking about it toomuch.
That was a favorite.
I'm, like you know, I'm an ICUdoctor.
Do you know how much likeintense stuff I see and I'm not
like.
Do you know how much likeintense stuff I see and I'm not
like a stressed person Like I?
I handle stress great, but youit this is different.
(52:58):
It hits your body and minddifferently and it it kind of
preys on, like you know, justthose little insecurities Like
why can't you have it?
Everybody can have it.
Everybody in the world's havingbabies but not you, and that's
that's that at the time wasreally really tough for me.
But you know, I don't knowthere's something about and you
know, in your mind at least forme, when my family was complete
(53:20):
and I had my, and then that'sthe other thing.
Well, you have your son.
You should be thrilled.
You're so lucky, and you know,just take it and move on.
I don't know.
I think there's just a, there'ssomething in your soul that
knows when you're finished and Iwasn't finished this impacted
my mental health by it was.
(53:41):
It was a quiet way, because youknow I'm a very private person
and I didn't share the journeywith many people, and so it was
an intense amount of stress tonot allow, you know, allow it to
affect me at work and you'dcome home and you'd be kind of
depressed, in a bad mood,feeling like a failure, and you
(54:04):
know it's hard on you, it's hardon your relationship, you know
it's, and it was a little bit ofa dark phase, I would say, for
a couple years.
I'm really great at talking toother women who have infertility
issues, or because I will say Isee them in my life and I and I
(54:26):
see them overlooked in waysthat I had wouldn't have
recognized before.
You know a family member whohas a miscarriage and
everybody's like, well, she'lljust try again.
I'm like no, no, no, that's nothow that goes.
So it's this sort of quietconnection you have with people
(54:48):
that I wouldn't have had beforebecause I wouldn't have
understood it, and the abilityto help share my support and
thoughts and story with them, sothat they don't feel quite so
alone, because it is a veryisolating experience for sure,
and I don't want them to gothrough that.
The stigma, you know people saythe right things oh, it's going
to be okay, It'll be fine.
(55:08):
Your family, you know you haveone, it's going to be fine.
But I think it's a little bitof a self-imposed stigma too, If
I reflect back, like peoplewere genuinely supportive they
really were.
They said the worst kind ofstuff, though, and the stuff
that would make you spiral intofeeling into a bad place, and so
I do think reframing andhelping people understand the
(55:29):
right things to say, the rightquestions to ask.
Like you know, I have a cousinwho had gone through it, and you
know she's like you're the onlyperson who doesn't ask me if it
worked.
You're the only person whodoesn't, and they understand
that.
I'm not asking if you'repregnant now after this
treatment, not because I don't,I'm not interested, Of course,
(55:50):
I'm incredibly interested, butit is very painful every time to
look at people and say, not,this time we tried really hard
but it didn't work out.
This time you say it and youput on a good face and then go
home and you feel like crapabout it.
I think it's constantreassurance that they're doing
the right things, thateverybody's journey is different
(56:13):
and it's okay sometimes to shutout all those extra voices that
are telling you do this, take acruise, go on a trip, do
whatever that you know, trustyourself, Go through the process
that you need to go through,Find the physicians, the teams
that you trust and work withthem.
(56:33):
And that's the most to me, themost important thing, because it
kind of tears you down as aperson a little bit, and to just
rebuild them and kind of givethem the confidence that you're
doing the right stuff.
The fact that you went swimming, you know, didn't change the
outcome.
The fact that you went on aplane trip and they told you,
you know, didn't change theoutcome.
The fact that you went on aplane trip and they told you,
(56:53):
you know, maybe you should waittwo weeks and you went on day 13
didn't change the math at all.
But the hard thing is when yougo through this there's so much
you know.
Obviously there's some likethere's clearly like medical
structure behind the advice theygive, but some of it's just
guesswork.
Right, you should do this.
You shouldn't do that.
You should go on a trip?
(57:15):
You shouldn't go on a trip.
You should drive?
You shouldn't drive.
You should lay down for 12hours after the IUI, you
shouldn't.
I mean.
I think it's just supportingthem and feeling confident in
their choices, because everychoice you make that doesn't
work out racks you with thissort of self-doubt, racks you
(57:37):
with boy.
What if I had done that?
My mom told me to do this andmy aunt told me to do this and
the lady at the grocery storesaid this worked for her.
You kind of have to shut peopleout a little bit and just like
listen to to yourself and notpunish yourself when things
don't work out because it's outof your hands, and that's a
really hard thing for people whoare really used to controlling
(58:01):
the environment around them.
Right, Like, I'm pretty good at, you know, bringing the weather
, changing the mood.
You know I adjust a lot ofstuff at work and I'm pretty
good at that.
And so to recognize and acceptthat this actually has nothing
to do with the decisions I make,it sounds easy, but it is
(58:24):
really really tough when you'reused to being able to command a
room.
And it's hard because you go topeople who are well-meaning your
doctor, your friends, whateverand they're like well, I did
this and you did this, and boy,did you take that trip?
I thought you weren't supposedto.
I mean, like you can.
It just spirals and then theanxiety starts.
Then they're like well, don'tbe anxious.
Well, how can I not be anxious?
(58:44):
There's no right.
Like, if I, if I walk two steps, you told me I should have
walked four.
If you tell me I should walkand exercise, great.
If you tell me I shouldn't walkand exercise, okay.
Well, my best advice to peopleis to stop listening to
everybody and just follow whatyou feel works for you.
Speaker 1 (59:04):
If you've made it to the end of this episode, thank
you.
And before we wrap, I just wantto say to everyone who's
listened, shared or reached outduring this infertility series
you've helped create somethingso much bigger than a podcast
series.
You've helped build a community.
And guess what?
We're not stopping here.
We're actually planning anin-person gathering for everyone
(59:24):
who shared their story in thisseries, and we'd love to extend
the invite to you too.
If this series spoke to you, ifyou felt connected, inspired or
just want to be in the roomwith some badass humans who've
walked this path, you're invited.
Shoot me a DM or email the showand we'll get you the details.
And because community iseverything, we're also launching
a free Slack channel for anyonegoing through infertility.
(59:45):
This will be a safe space toconnect, share, ask questions
and just be with others who getit.
If you want in, head over tokerrycroftcom and subscribe to
the email list.
We'll send you everything youneed to join that space.
And hey, if you want to followall the things I'm building
Total Badass, the Kerry CroftShow, events, coaching you know
where to find me Againkerrycroftcom.
(01:00:08):
Sign up, stay connected and bethe first to know what's coming
next Speaking of next, get readyfor May, where we'll take a
deep dive into mental health.
We're cracking open theconversations that need to be
had.
If you've got a story to shareor feel called to be a part of
that series, hit me up.
I'd love to hear from you.
Thank you for being a part ofthis and, until next time, keep
(01:00:28):
moving, baby.
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