174. 3 Costly Mistakes We Make with Long-standing Conflicts

Long-standing conflicts have a way of taking root, not just in relationships, but in our own internal dialogue. In this episode, Alejandra Siroka unpacks three common patterns that tend to keep conflict alive for months or even years: overinflating the other person’s flaws through harsh judgment, resigning ourselves to the belief that they won’t change, and getting stuck in an exhausting mental spin cycle that loops through frustration, resentment, and self-criticism.

 

Through the story of Priya and her mother-in-law, Penny, Alejandra illustrates how seemingly subtle comments can spiral into full-blown internal battles when left unaddressed. What starts as discomfort can quickly turn into mental replays, imagined confrontations, and a deep sense of personal failure, especially for those who are committed to growth and self-awareness. The focus here isn’t on blame. It’s on recognizing the patterns that make peace feel out of reach.

 

If you tend to avoid conflict, replay conversations in your head, or stay silent out of fear of offending someone, this episode offers a chance to pause and look inward. Try to be aware of when your thoughts start spiraling or when you find yourself quietly giving up on the possibility of change. These moments aren’t signs of failure, they’re signals to examine what you're holding onto and how it’s affecting you.

 

Alejandra encourages us to begin by noticing. Notice the mental loops, the quiet resignation, the buildup of judgment. And then, ask yourself: Do I really want to carry this tension for two more months? Two more years? That question alone might open the door to something different.

 

Quotes

• “The spin cycle is exhausting because it requires running yourself against the other person and also against yourself. So we need to see the spin cycle for what it is. It is violent. You're not just in conflict with the other person. You are also at war with yourself.” (00:00 | Alejandra Siroka)
• “First, we blow things out of proportion through judgment and criticism. We analyze everything we consider wrong with the other person. We dissect their character flaws. And we build a case for why they are the problem.” (06:12 | Alejandra Siroka)
• “The second mistake we tend to make is that we resign ourselves. We throw up our hands and decide the person we're in conflict with is impossible, unchangeable, set in their ways, like a statue that will forever stay in a fixed position.” (08:34 | Alejandra Siroka)
• “When we spin, our internal dialogue becomes like a broken record. We replay conversations over and over. We think about what the other person said, what we said, what we should have said.” (12:17 | Alejandra Siroka)

 

Links

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Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqD

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