All Episodes

June 26, 2024 50 mins

CONTENT WARNING:

Please keep in mind that during today’s episode, subjects such as childhood trauma, addiction, toxic familial relationships, and healing in therapy are discussed. If these subjects are sensitive to you, consider bypassing this week’s new episode. 


Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt like you are constantly going through *another* season of life that you just aren’t sure how to manage? I know I have and I know other women have too. Someone who I have loved to own their journey and season time and time again is Lex Banach, aka your twenty-something bestie. 


Lex came on the show today and shares her journey to healing in multiple sides of her life and shares how, by sharing this healing journey, she has connected with other people going through the same things she has. She shares her real and raw personal story and perspective on the power of healing and how, when you own that journey, you can truly start to live a joyful life. 


I LOVED this episode with Lex and I know so many of you will as well. 


CONNECT WITH LEX:

Follow her on socials:
https://www.instagram.com/abanach11/ 

https://www.tiktok.com/@abanach11 



FIND ME ON INSTAGRAM:
https://www.instagram.com/livingnsunshine/

FIND ME ON FACEBOOK:
https://www.facebook.com/livingnsunshine

Links on this page may contain affiliate links meaning I may receive commissions for purchases at no cost to you.


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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Maddy (00:01):
Hey bestie and welcome to the living in sunshine podcast.
I'm your host, Maddy Fry. Andaround here we are all about
encouraging, inspiring, andgiving you the tough love that
you need to hear to get outthere and live as your best
self. Each and every Wednesday,you can expect to learn tangible
tips to help you find yourbigger purpose, be given simple

(00:22):
action steps that you can takein order to make progress toward
your biggest dreams, and hearhow you can purposely pursue joy
on the daily. So sit down, grabyour favorite drink. And let's
have a girl chat. This is theliving in sunshine podcast.
All right. Good morning,everyone. And welcome to the
living in sunshine Podcast. I'mso excited that you are tuning

(00:45):
in today because I have a verygood friend here on the show
with me today. Her name is LexBanach, you can find her over on
Instagram, I'll have her shareher handle. But she is someone
I've actually known I was doingthe math Lex. We have been in
each other sphere now for likefive years, which is

Lex (01:03):
Yeah,

Maddy (01:03):
crazy. To me. I have I known her not like both in
person, but also online. And Iwas like, wait a minute, I don't
ever really, really long time.
So I brought Lex on the showbecause she has openly shared
multiple different seasons oflife on Instagram. And I have
watched her cultivate thisincredible online community of

(01:24):
women, and just does such afabulous job of sharing her life
and sharing it so authenticallyand real and connecting with
other people on that. So I willhave her share her story and
share who she is and what shedoes and all the things. But Lex
Welcome to the show. I'm sohappy that you're here.

Lex (01:43):
Thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. I'm a
little bit nervous. But I'm veryexcited to get to get to connect
with your community because I'vewatched you cultivate this
incredibly supportive communitythat just like loves on each
other so much. And so I'm alwaysI feel like I'm always watching
you and trying to figure outwhat you're doing so well so I
can implement that with mycommunity too. So thank you for

(02:04):
being a leader in this spacebecause it is so fun.

Maddy (02:07):
Yes, community community is in my opinion, I have found
like the key to everything. Ithink for a long time the
message was go out on your owndrop, like hustle, hustle,
hustle, figure it all out likeyou can do anything. And it's
like all those things are truebut it's also way easier and way
more enjoyable when you do itwith other people. And I have

(02:27):
found that when you link armswith other people you get
further faster because you havemore brains helping you get
there so can you share who youare first where people can find
you. So if they're you knowgoing for a walk or whatever
they want to look you up onInstagram and stalk you they can
and what you do and kind of howyou help women do do all the
things.

Lex (02:47):
Absolutely. So my Instagram and also Tik Tok I, I do share a
lot of like random stuff on TikTok if you like storytimes and
that sort of stuff. Both bothhandles are abanach11. So it's a
b a n AC h one one. Or you cansearch lex. You're single No,

(03:08):
you're 20 Something bestie.
Sorry. But yes, ABA N ach 11.

Maddy (03:13):
I love that.

Lex (03:13):
And then sorry, go ahead.

Maddy (03:15):
No, I was just gonna say can you share with us what you
do and who you help?

Lex (03:19):
Yes. So I am a health and wellness coach online. And I
partner with bodi. So all theworkouts, nutrition I'm sure
you've probably heard about atthis point, especially because
Maddy, but aside from that, Ireally my focus is to share my
struggles and share how I'mgetting through them in real
time. So my goal, and this haskind of pivoted through

(03:39):
different seasons of life. So Iwould say last year was very
much helping single women, youknow, work through a breakup and
finding themselves and learninghow to care and love for
themselves probably for thefirst time like most of us. And
now in this kind of new seasonwhere I'm a little bit over a
year past a breakup and kind ofentering this new stage. It's

(03:59):
really about managing myboundaries and learning how to
set those with family membersand friends who maybe don't make
me feel the best. And so I mean,you'll see a little bit about me
healing from narcissistic familymembers. Yep, I'm sharing a
little bit more about that andbeing no contact and then

(04:19):
really, you'll kind of get like,my daily, whatever. I'm
struggling with that day. Soyou'll get a few takeaways.
Yeah, you'll hear me talk aboutKatherine, who's my therapist.
And yeah, I guess my focus is toreally help women in their 20s
develop a community and beintentional about it so that
they can have the support towork through their struggles

(04:39):
together. Yeah. Yeah. So my, Iguess I haven't really like I
need to really niche down andnarrow down what I'm saying. But
yeah, my mission is to embraceyour storm. My storm always
hated it. So embracing thestorms of your life and by doing
that, sharing it vulnerablymaking connections be Because

(05:00):
like you said that you can go somuch further with community. And
I think a lot of us were alwaystold to kind of hold things in
and yes, work through things onour own, you know, especially as
young women, it's 100%. Don't,don't tattle, you know, go go
figure it out on your own be abig girl. Yeah. Don't cry over
this. And that's, I think, howwe've ended up where we have,

(05:21):
you know, we're struggling withemotional connection with a lot
of older adults in our families,because they never had that
support. And that's what theytaught us. And our, our
community is learning thatthere's power in sharing the
struggles so that people don'tfeel alone. And then you can
find better solutions together.
Yeah, sorry. That's kind of longwinded.

Maddy (05:41):
No, not at all. Oh, my gosh, there's so much in there
that I'm like, I want to pickthis apart. And this. I love
that so much. So like, likewe've mentioned, I've known Lex
now for four or five years. AndI've watched her walk through
all of these different lifeseasons. And before we hopped on
the show, I was trying to figureout a way to like, really put

(06:01):
this in a way that made sense.
But also like, did it make itseem like it was like a negative
thing. And I think I put myfinger on it. I love you. And I
love who you are, becausewhether you recognize it or not.
And I mean this in the biggestcompliment, you share how to go
against societal norms in such apositive way. Right. And without

(06:23):
going too far in the past, youwere in a long term
relationship, you bought a houseyou moved in. And at that time,
couple years ago, it was how tobe in a relationship when
marriage wasn't where you wereheaded, right. And that's what
you talked about. And you grewthis amazing community online,

(06:43):
about, this is what I'm doing.
It doesn't fall in line withwhat the general narrative is
that women in my 20s in their20s do, right? And that's okay,
I'm gonna live my best life, youdon't have to approve, you don't
have to like it, but I'm doingit anyway. Because it makes me
happy. And then after that, itwas, I'm owning my story of

(07:05):
being in my 20s. And having beenin a long term relationship, and
glowing the hell up after abreakup, I'm owning that.
There's nothing wrong with that,that is not something to be
ashamed of, as a woman to havegone through that, I'm dealing
with a lot of things. And again,kind of this breaking of
societal, that societalnarrative of as a woman, if you

(07:27):
are broken up with, you have tobe broken forever and sad, and,
you know, go into this hole anddid it. You didn't I mean, from
what I saw, you were like, No,we are gonna, I'm sad. I'm going
through a tough season. But I'mowning this, and I'm gonna do
what I can do to like, live mybest self. And that was like the
last year and now again, kind ofbreaking that societal norm,

(07:48):
that narrative of you have tolove everyone in your family and
always let them in and alwayslet them. You're like, No, we're
not doing that. We're not doingthat. Because that's that's not
work. So my question is, asyou've gone through this, the
seasons, right? How have youbecome brave enough to talk
about them online in a space?
Like Instagram and Tiktok? Whereeveryone likes to have their

(08:10):
opinions heard? loudly, clearly.
And whether or not they were,they are kind or not? How do you
how do you do that? How did youbecome brave enough to share
that journey? out there withwhat 50,000 followers at this
point, the last time I checked,you were like 50k Plus, and I'm
like this girl. I love it somuch. I just need you to know

(08:33):
that.

Lex (08:34):
Thank you. Yeah, I think 100k between Tiktok and
Instagram, but a great question.
So I think there's two parts tothis. First of all, I didn't
really think before I did it,because I've always been a
natural sharer. So my intentionwas never to like grow a huge
following and use my story to dothat. Yeah, I started sharing my
story and got really greatfeedback and saw the power in

(08:57):
doing that. So I didn't havetime to be afraid because my
natural instinct has always beento share. And I think a big part
of that. And I mean, I don't myfear is always coming across as
like trauma dumping. But if youdon't know any part of my story
is okay, if I just give like aquick

Maddy (09:14):
oh my gosh, please. Yes.

Lex (09:16):
Okay, essentially hot mess childhood, very much absentee
father who was in and out of thepicture and a mother who did not
have, like the support that sheneeded in order to be, you know,
a competent, always presentparent. So lots of addiction and
mental health on both sides ofmy family and then narcissism on

(09:37):
the next level. So your grandmaon my dad's side and Aunt on my
mom's side who I actually livedwith in high school, after I
moved out of my mom's housefreshman year, moved in with my
grandma for a year and then Imoved in with my aunt and uncle.
My mom went to California. Thenshe came back, my dad moved to
California and my grandma movedto California. So like, lots of
abandonment, and different kindsof things that I'm learning

(09:59):
about. Now in therapy that Inecessarily remember, yeah, but
I think because of the chaosthat I always grew up in, and
only child in the home, I have ahalf brother who I don't know
for my dad. But which that'slike a whole other story. But
yeah has of those situationsthat I, I always found myself in
being alone and not necessarilyhaving a strong community at

(10:21):
home, I really sought that outin my friendships. So at school,
In sports, it was very muchthose were my places to connect.
And I didn't know how to connectwithout sharing what I was
struggling with, like my all ofmy childhood friends, parents
know exactly what my childhoodwas, like, they loved on me
when, you know, they saw that Iwasn't getting the love that I

(10:43):
needed at home. And I'm sograteful for that. And I think
that primed me to just be anatural sharer because I didn't
know what else to do with thethings I was experiencing. Yeah,
I didn't know what was normaland what was not normal. I'm
still learning that in therapy.
But because of that, I, I sawthe way that I can connect with

(11:04):
people when I do share the deepstuff and the hard stuff first,
because somebody has to open thedoor. And I think that's
oftentimes the scariest part isYeah, being the one who takes
that step to be emotionallyvulnerable, because we're
scared. Yeah. And luckily, I'mnot really scared, because I've
seen the connection that comesfrom it. So it's almost like

(11:27):
chicken or the egg, like I'vealways shared. So I've known
that connection. So nice. But itscared because it wasn't my
intention. And so it kind ofunfolded naturally, I found more
and more power. And throughdoing that I found confidence to
share. Because every messagethat I've gotten on Instagram
that has thanked me for sharing,I screenshot it, yeah, I usually
tear up or full on cry and I addit to an album on my phone. So

(11:50):
that the next time I get maybenot so kind message or the next
time I have to block anotherfamily member on social media
second account. Then I alwayshave that album to look at. And
remember the power. That is I'mnot sharing my story for myself.
I'm sharing it for the girl thatI was who needed someone else to

(12:13):
share and didn't have.

Maddy (12:17):
Yeah, I love that so much. And I love what you said
that someone needs to be thereto open the door. Someone needs
to be the person. And sometimesthat's the scariest part, right?
It's, it's being the person tosay, Alright, I guess I'm going
first, I guess I guess I'm goingfor like, it's almost like when
you're in high school and yourteachers like, Alright, who

(12:37):
wants to volunteer to presenttheir thing first. And
everyone's like, looking aroundand you're like, I guess I'll go
first. I don't really know. Andlike, hopefully it works out for
the better. So as you've asyou've shared this, what are
some things that you've seeneither internally, personally,
or online? And within yourbusiness in your community? What

(12:58):
what has kind of happened? Whatare some of the results that
you've seen from being more fromsharing these these hard topics?
Right? Like, there are thingsthat you and you do it so
beautifully, in my opinion, Ialways love watching your
stories, because I'm like, Ifeel so seen by her in so many
ways. And so what are some whatare some of the results? Again,

(13:18):
whether personally, internallyor externally, have you seen
from being the person who opensthe door first?

Lex (13:27):
A lack of shame. Yeah, I think that's that's the biggest
thing is, is releasing the shamethat comes from folding things
in. And again, I speak from thenarrative of growing up with
adults who were private abouteverything. didn't share with
their closest family members. Itwas the struggle in silence the

(13:49):
struggle and suffer alone. Yeah.
And I think because of that,there is so much shame. When I
cry, I apologize. I say I'msorry. I don't mean to be
tearing up. I do all my storiesall the time. And I had somebody
message me and say, Why are youapologizing? Yeah, and I had to
reflect and it was because as akid every time I cried, I was
told to brush it off or get overit. Suck it up. And yes, and so

(14:10):
there's so much shame that isbuilt up inside of me from
feeling sad or feeling, youknow, hurt by somebody and not
having necessarily the power orpermission to speak up for
myself because I was ashamed ofthose feelings. So I think the
biggest thing for me has beenunlearning the shame that comes
from saying, hey, this behaviorhurt me. You are not allowed to

(14:35):
speak to me this way. And if youdo you no longer have a seat at
my table. And that's hard. Yeah,but I think the other thing that
has come from it is permission.
Yeah, I It makes me so sad. ButI didn't know that you could
just go no contact with a familymember. Like I didn't know that
you were allowed to do that. Ididn't know that my entire life

(14:58):
wouldn't end if I Did that Yeah.
Especially as somebody who alsothere was like, financial things
at play where my grandma paidfor my college, which was so
kind of her. Yeah. So and thenalso being someone who lived
with my aunt and uncle in highschool, and yeah, I mean, I said
this yesterday, my stories, Ididn't necessarily always feel
like I belonged or that I had apermanent place. So I always
felt like I was walking oneggshells had to make sure that

(15:20):
I didn't do this random thing toupset my aunt and then get
kicked out. Same thing goes withmy grandma with her paying for
my college again, so generous.
And also, I lived in so muchfear. Yeah. And, you know, I had
to live small because of the waythat they treated me. Yeah. In
terms of how they spoke to me.
Yeah, so I think I gainedpermission first by seeing one

(15:42):
tik tok, I remember it soclearly about somebody who went
no contact with a family member.
And then the next time I got anasty, nasty text from my
grandma. Yeah, telling me how Iwas the biggest failure in the
entire worlds. Yeah. I neverreplied. And I have not spoken
to her since. And there wasn't abig I mean, to me, that was the

(16:04):
fault falling out. And in hermind, I'm sure I'm the jerk. But
yeah, in reality, it was thatshe had treated me that way for
so long. Yeah. And I finally hadthe permission to say, I'm not
doing this anymore. Yeah. Not tospeak to me this way. So I think
the permission and the shame andthen the just like support to

(16:26):
move forward. Yeah, that you'renot alone. Hearing that someone
else went through somethingsimilar, like, I have the most.
I feel like I have the most likeinsane, you know, childhood
life, obviously. Yeah. I justfeel that way. Yeah, yeah. And
it's so crazy. Every time Ishare like a very niche. Yeah,
very, like, small moments that,you know, I shared in therapy

(16:47):
and my therapist one.

Maddy (16:48):
Yeah, yeah. I've done that, too. I've done that to My
Katherine's name is Mary and I,I not to interrupt. I was like,
Did I ever tell you about thatone time that that happened when
I was a little kid. And she waslike, let's elaborate on that,
like, pulled out her pen andpaper? And then there?

Lex (17:06):
Yeah, it almost becomes like a contest within myself of
like, how many times can I makeKatherine's?

Maddy (17:12):
Yes, so many times. Can I win therapy today by making my
therapist speechless?

Lex (17:17):
Yes. And it's fun, like, she's great. And, you know, no
matter how niche or you know,like, very specific, my
situation feels like any pieceof it. Yeah, it's like, anytime
I share something where I'mlike, I don't know if any of you
can relate. But like, this iskind of what I went through.

(17:38):
Even one message makes me like,ecstatic over the moon. It's all
the validation I've ever neededmy entire life for this
situation. And also, a lot oftimes, it's a lot more. So a lot
more women in my DM saying, Iwent through this too, or I'm
going through this, or I thinkI'm going to be going through
this. Yeah, have any advice? Inthat it's the permission to

(17:59):
continue sharing, and alsocontinue down that path. Yeah,
of holding those boundaries andholding space for yourself. And,
you know, just really, reallydigging into why I decided in
the first place and how muchbetter my life is when I don't
have to worry that every singlemove I make could be the one
that cuts me off from my family.
Yeah. Like, I took that powerback. And yeah, I chose to step

(18:23):
away. And yes, that means Iwon't be invited to Easter. And
also, I have my people, I havemy community, I got to spend
Easter with my friends. Theirmom made me an Easter basket.
never even met before. It'slike, so sweet. And when you see
how easy it is for other peopleto love you, yes. Suddenly you
realize that you don't have towork. You're not supposed to

(18:46):
have to work and earn the lovefrom your family member, or
anybody in your life. Yeah. Andthat solidifies for you like,
yeah, it's almost like you'llnever settle again. Yeah, you
just won't tolerate it. Andyeah, even with friends, I'm
like, I didn't like the way thatyou spoke to me. And like, I'm
not willing to tolerate this ina nicer way. But yes, knowing

(19:06):
that that's my boundary that Ihave to uphold. Because it's not
other people's responsibility tohold those boundaries you, but
it is your responsibility tocommunicate and them to respect
it and do their best. Yeah. Sowhen you set those boundaries,
and they're completely blownoff, and you're gaslit and you
feel good about the situation,then it's like, I just don't
have the energy. Yep. To pourinto this relationship. Yeah.

(19:30):
Other people have taught me thatit's easy to love me. And now
I'm learning that it's easy tolove me too.

Maddy (19:37):
Yeah. Yeah. I love that.
So, hearing this, I'm sure otherpeople listening to this can be
like, Wow, this girl's goingthrough so much. And for those
of you who haven't seen any ofthe clips, and are just
listening, Lex is talking aboutthis all with this massive smile
on her face. This girl literallyis always smiling. And so I'm
wondering what Do you what haveyou committed to? Whether it's a

(20:01):
habit or a routine? Or maybeit's just sharing and doing
things like going to therapy?
Since you've mentioned it? Whatare some things that you have
committed to in order to ensurethat you're taking care of
yourself, and you're making surethat you are infusing things
that bring you joy into your dayto day or week to week or month

(20:21):
to month? What are some of thosethings look like? Because I'm
speaking from personalexperience, the 2024 has been a
year, a year, underlined, bold,all other things, right. It's
life is lifing. And sosometimes, it can be hard not to
get bogged down by all of thehardness, all of the heaviness,
all of the tough things thatwe're growing through and going
through. And it can we can losesight on the things that bring

(20:44):
us joy. And we can let thosethings fall to the wayside. And
so I'm curious, what are somethings that you have committed
to in order to ensure you'retaking care of yourself in order
to make sure that you're reinfusing joy back in as you're
going and growing through all ofthese things?

Lex (21:00):
Great question. So first of all, I do want to say I'm not
supposed to be smiling while Isay all of this, but that is one
of the things that I work on intherapy

Maddy (21:08):
is this trauma response as my as my therapist would say,
she goes, you know, that's atrauma response. I was like,
Mary, I know. Okay, I get it.

Lex (21:15):
Yeah. But yeah. I was like, Well, I always have been the
bubbly person. And she was like,have you or did you always need
to be? Yeah, I was like, I'mgonna need some time to ruminate
on that. Yeah.
Thank you so much, Katherine.
Okay. Damn.
Yes. But with that being said, Ithink, you know, I have always
been an energy creator. Andmaybe it's because I had to be

(21:37):
because you know, all of thatstuff. But regardless, I do
really thrive in creating thatenergy. And so I think there are
many parts to this, I want tosay community, commitments for
those hobbies and things thatbring you joy, and then a few
other things at all. I'm sureI'll get to as I begin, I'm
going to start a sentence andnot quite know where we're gonna

(21:59):
finish it. I'll go ahead. So onething that I really love I
mentioned is sports, like thecommunity that comes from
sports. So I have been a part ofour, like, local recreational
volleyball League. Yeah. Collegefor a long time. I think seven
years now. Yeah. Which isinsane. So as silly as that
sounds, or you know, people loveto like poke fun at rec sports,

(22:22):
which I think it's hilarious.
Like, yes, do I think it's sofun. That without even knowing,
because it was just a habit thatI created, like, having that
scheduled structured time, oncea week or now twice a week, but
once a week, where I know that Ihave three hours where first of
all, I'm not on my phone. Yeah,yeah. Big, huge, huge,
especially work from homeentrepreneurs. Yeah. always

(22:44):
honest. Yeah. I'm havingcommunity connection because I'm
with friends or making friendsthere when I didn't have any
there. Yeah, when I was newer inthe league, and it's also just
fun to me. I love to play. Yeah.
And I never was somebody who hadthat, like, childlike sense of
play and wonder. And yeah, makesme sad. I don't think that I

(23:06):
live in an environment wherethat was cultivated or safe.
Yep. And so I think now I'm kindof in this like, like, we call
it the Inner Inner Childhealing. I love to, I love to
play. So commitment and thencommunity. So really being
intentional about the communitythat you're creating around you.
And if you're like, Well, youknow, I live in my hometown and

(23:28):
Boo Boo, boo, boo, bah. Yeah,pause right there. Because I
live 14 minutes away from whereI went to high school. I talk to
a handful if that have friendsfrom high school and middle
school. Yeah. And aside fromthat, the community that I've
created, I mean, even Maddylike, yeah, incredible people
that add so much value to mylife, either through content or

(23:50):
conversations. Yeah. I had to beintentional about that. It
wasn't people didn't just fallinto my lap. Yeah, I had to
start putting myself out there.
And again, you have to open thatdoor. Be specific, who are you
looking for in a community? Forme? It's women in their 20s it's
women who want to buy a housesoon. It's women who are you
know, working on their selfgrowth and healing and you know,

(24:13):
learning and unlearning and allthose incredible things. But
yeah, so play and have fun. Sothat community and and making a
commitment to the community. Youknow, I'm very intentional. I
reached out to certain friends.
Hey, would you like to go do X Yand Z thing with me this week?
We'd love to go bowling. It'syou know, I'm in Wisconsin. It's

(24:36):
literally snowing today. Youknow, let's go bowling. Let's
go. play darts at a bar. Letslike fun things that bring you
joy is yeah, I'm, I'm using mycommunity then to create that
like sense of fun. Yeah. Andthen the other part is mindset,
obviously which we hear so muchabout. So I think you probably
all know the importance ofpersonal being connected to it.

(24:58):
So I'm actually not even goingto touch on that, because that
is like, that is obviouslynumber one, we're here. Another
thing, and I'm going to nerd outa little bit, but stick with me,
we hear a lot about nervoussystem regulation, or at least
online on my corner of theinternet. Yeah. And it never
quite made sense to me until, ofcourse, Catherine sent me a

(25:20):
chart. And it's called thepolyvagal theory of trauma. And
I'm going to try and keep thisjust very surface level. But if
you want to google it happy toif you want to connect with me,
I have some resources. Yeah,whatever that looks like. But
it's, it shows how we know wehave our fight or flight
response. We also have a freezeresponse, which is kind of a

(25:42):
newer development in theneuroscience community, then we
also have our social engagementresponse. And that is where we
should be living majority of thetime. But many of us if we
didn't grow up in safeenvironments, and and when I say
safe, it doesn't mean that therewas like physical safety. It can
be parents having an argumentand yelling or slamming doors,

(26:04):
things like that, like that yourbody perceives as a threat as a
threat. Yeah, start to feel yourheart rate go up even a mean
message on social media now, adistant friend unfollowing me
like, it's interesting when youstart to cue into your body how
those responses happen. But oncelike, for me, I learned that I'm
actually just usually in freeze,which means I'm dissociated. I

(26:28):
don't remember a lot of thingsbecause what my body did to keep
me safe as a child, and I'm sograteful for that. And so I
can't live like this forever.
Yes. So I do want to say I, andI hope this isn't too all over
the place, but I got diagnosedwith sleep apnea last year, the
two years before, this isactually a huge part of my
story. The two years before I, Isaw a huge shift in my health,

(26:50):
you know, I am a health andwellness coach. Yeah, I had
lost, I had lost some weightbeforehand. I was very, very
healthy, maintained that foreight months, and then life
life, yeah, a lot of lifehappened in a really short
amount of time. And suddenly, Iwas waking up every day feeling
fatigued, I wasn't open, Ididn't have a no curious

(27:11):
mindset, I felt verydisempowered, I felt hopeless.
And those are all things thatyou'll see on the polyvagal
theory of trauma chart, itactually shows when you're in
that freeze response, you losethe ability to feel open and
connected to people, youactually you are not able to
feel curious. Yeah, aesthetic.

(27:31):
And because of that, it startsto cut off your community. And
so that's I have this like,theory that I'm kind of, you
know, very passionate aboutthat. We know that childhood
trauma has associations withdifferent health outcomes. Yes.
And it is my kind ofunderstanding that how that
happens is through nervoussystem dysregulation. So when I

(27:53):
when I finally got diagnosedwith sleep apnea, we can kind of
look back and understand, okay,when did this start to occur?
And that is something that is onthat you know, Aced childhood
assessment as Yeah, a predictedoutcome as someone who, whose
therapist wouldn't evenadminister the tests because she
knew my score.

Maddy (28:12):
Yep. Yeah. Been, there

Lex (28:15):
She goes. Um, yeah, we can do it. But like, do you want to
I know, I know your Thanks,Katherine. Yeah, yeah. But I
think because of that nervoussystem dysregulation, you go
into fight or flight a lotyou're going between fight or
flight or freeze, which meansthat you're you lose a lot of
essential body functions, yourdigestion, your sleep. And when

(28:39):
you have apnea as at night, wehave natural ones. And I'm
sorry, this is like very, very,you're

Maddy (28:43):
no, no, no, you're fine.
No, keep going someone outthere. And I'm even like, Oh, my
God. Me. So yeah, keep going.

Lex (28:50):
Okay, perfect. Yeah, so I think when we have our apnea
that night, we have natural oneseach evening. And that's normal.
I think the range is like fiveto 10 a night where you stop
breathing. And then your brainis like, hey, and you know, you
go right back into your sleepcycle. So when I started feeling

(29:12):
really fatigued, I was in a verystressful my ex had injured his
neck very, very bad injury, waswaiting for surgery for three
weeks. He was in excruciatingpain. And suddenly I was a full
time business owner. Yeah, so Ihad just gone full time with my
business. Yeah, eight monthsbefore he was out of an income
and didn't have disabilitybecause he's a freelancer. And

(29:37):
we had a puppy we Yeah,apartment. And it was a lot of
life and the anniversary of mymom's passing. Yeah. And our
condo deal was falling apart. Wewere actually yeah, contract to
buy and close on a condo andyeah. Oh, hit the fan. We were
actually working together quitea bit. Yes, yeah. And so that
season of life for me. I wasreally and also had undiagnosed

(29:59):
ADHD at the time. I'm diagnosedanxiety. And yeah, so we know
ADHD is really thrive in thatadrenaline rush cycle. And how
you do that is, you know, youput things off to the last
second, then you have this bigboost. Well, that's the fight or
flight response, like your bodyis like, oh, we have to do this
right now. Yeah. And I think mybody recognize that at night,

(30:20):
that was naturally happening afew times at night. But I had
become so dependent on thrivingoff of that. Yep. That then my
body was like, Oh, how can weactually make this happen more
all the time? Yeah. So everytime you have an apnea, you go
into fight or flight? Yeah. WhenI had my sleep study, I had 68.
That evening. Yeah, it was everyeight minutes. So that means

(30:44):
that I was never getting REMsleep. I was never completing a
sleep cycle. Which means thatyou know, your brain isn't
organizing memories don't haveas strong of a memory. You feel
very chaotic, disempowered. Allthose things. Yeah. And so all
of that to be said, that is thatfreeze response on the theory of
trauma. Yeah. And so learningwhat nervous system regulation

(31:08):
actually is, versus just coursesthat you can buy online, which
are incredible. And I'm sothankful for those resources.
And also, yes, I'm so passionateabout this message. Yeah. And so
I do have those all linked in anemail if you would like it.
Otherwise, I can just say reallyquick, what my kind of routine
is because yeah, this is how Istay in this empowered mindset.

(31:29):
Yeah, please. So development,but also staying in social
engagement as much as I can. Sothe way that I've learned to do
this, and again, please do yourI'm not an expert in this. Yeah,
but I'm just sharing what I'velearned totally, mostly tik tok
and Instagram. Totally. Butbutterfly tap. So you just sit
you cross your arms, you tap oneshoulder, you tap the other two

(31:50):
times, and doing that one tofive minutes a day even or if
you can do it a few times a day.
So when I sit and I anotherthing I do is I listen to
binaural beats. That wasactually one of my first ever
therapy homework assignmentsfrom purpose was listening to
them, because helping the twohemispheres of your brain
communicate. Yeah, important.

(32:13):
When we experienced trauma,those connections can sever. And
so all of a sudden, your leftand right hemispheres aren't
communicating which your memorygets worse. And your attention
span gets. Yeah, all of thesethings that we're seeing in a
lot of people. Yeah, so binauralbeats helps the two hemispheres
of your brain connect. And soyou can search on Spotify bi n,
a U R, A L binaural. Beats orGoogle whatever. And there's

(32:38):
one. So for focus for anxietyfor different moods. Yes. And
it's all based on frequencylevels and things like that. And
it's so saying, so empowering.
Yeah, because it's a reallygreat way to manage my anxiety
that I never expected, but it'sa tangible thing. Yeah, anxiety
attack. At the end of Februarywas the last one I had. And

(33:00):
yeah, I hadn't had one in a longtime. Yeah. And what I did is I
actually walked away from theevent I was at I was out of work
event. Yeah. I put my headphonesin. Yeah. I put binaural beats
on. I did my butterfly taps.
Yeah. And I also did take myhydroxyzine, which was my like,
panic attack medication. Yes.
Yeah. But even before thatkicked in, like I was feeling
world's better. Yeah, I thinkit's very empowering to have

(33:23):
those tools in your toolbox andthink, you know, I'm not, I'm
not helpless. In this situation,there are tools that I can begin
to learn that aren't breathingtechniques, which always have
stressed me out that aren'tokay, doing a silent meditation,
which is yes, absolutelyterrifying to a lot of us. Yeah.
So anyways, the binaural beatsdoing my butterfly taps while I
listened to those personaldevelopment, and then sleep. So

(33:44):
important. So those are thethings that have really helped
me stay in this mindset. Yeah,even when life is lifing,
because yeah, for if you know,one thing happened, and then
another thing happened. And thenanother thing happened. Yeah, it
was, oh, my gosh, I can'tbelieve this is all happening to
me. Why is this all happening tome? Yeah. What's next? What's

(34:05):
going to pile on? This is how mylife goes, this is you're in
this disempowered state. Andthere's Yeah, it's not a mindset
thing. It's not just hey, changeyour mindset. It's like your
body is thinking that there arethese perceived threats. Yep.
Constantly. Yeah. And you don'thave any trust that life can be
better. Yeah. So I think thathelped me get into the right

(34:28):
headspace and then leaning intomeditation. I do like
manifesting. I think it's reallyempowering. And those types of
things that are a little bitmore spiritual. Yeah, the
spiritual as well is soimportant. So community
spirituality, mindset, but thenalso your physical body. Yeah.
So that was a little bit of atangent, but I hope that kind of
helps. With, like, a way thatyou can actually implement a

(34:51):
routine Yeah, where you don'thave to spend. You know, the 400
hours I've spent on Tik Toktrying to figure out who knows
Was what they're talking about.
And whether or not this thingcan actually help me. Yeah,
there's no quick fix. But thatdoesn't mean that you can't feel
quick relief. And I think it'simportant to have that mindset
too. And I'm happy to report Iactually reversed my sleep

(35:13):
apnea. That was my so I nolonger am affected by it. And
they were really impressed andkind of shocked when I called
and asked for a repeat sleepstudy. Yeah, seven months after
I got diagnosed, and I was usinga CPAP. And I said, You know
what, like, I have done so muchwork on my nervous system. And

(35:33):
I'm really curious to know if,and weight loss helped as well,
because I have destructive sleepapnea, but I gained weight
because of the sleep apnea. Soit was just because I lost
weight didn't mean that I wasautomatically going to reverse
it. Yes. And I did float thistheory to both of my doctors, my
sleep doctor and myPhonologists. And both of them
were very, very intrigued. Yeah.
And actually shared resourceswith them, too. So yeah. Yeah, I

(35:53):
think those are really importantthings. Because I don't think
it's as easy as just do somepersonal development and change
your mindset when you'veespecially when you've
struggled, yeah, haveexperienced traumas. And trauma
doesn't have to be big capital Ttrauma, right? It can be the
small things that you thinkabout this, you know, are a

(36:17):
little bit of a put down, abackhanded compliment from your
mom, and all of a sudden, youknow, that has become like a
trigger of yours. Yes. Yeah. Andit doesn't feel like it should
even be a thing and invalidateyourself. And it's like, no, no,
it's, you're not silly. And it'snot invalid. You just didn't
learn how to process that. Yeah.

(36:37):
And, and learn that it doesn'talways have to be that threat.

Maddy (36:41):
Yeah, that's so it's so funny that you say big T trauma,
because that's actually aconversation I've had with Mary.
And she's like, I She's like,I'm not gonna, like, turn you
down using that, because I saidthat I use that term. Like, I
know, for some people like thisis a big T trauma. And she's
like, I don't like that term.
There's no such she's liketrauma is trauma is trauma is

(37:01):
trauma, whether or not a bookwritten by old, dusty, crusty
white men, you know, certifywhat you went through as trauma
is trauma is not true. She'slike, and she essentially said
what you said, she's like, if ithurt you, or if it put you in
fight or flight or if it madeyou feel afraid, or threatened
or anything like that. She'slike, that's trauma, that a
trauma. And that's and that's,there's there's no net, it's

(37:23):
like, there's no generative termthat says, This is trauma. And
this is not trauma, right, whichI think is really important to
say, because I grew up withtrauma as well. Not the same as
what you went through. But sotrauma traumatic backgrounds,
traumatic childhood

Lex (37:40):
is valid.

Maddy (37:41):
Oh, yes. Yeah, exactly.
Exactly. 100%. So I just I lovethat you said that. So my my
second last question for you is,what would you say? Because
you've gone through a lot ofseasons. So what would your
biggest piece of advice be for agirl who's just kind of feeling
a little lost? Right? I feel asif I have watched you rediscover

(38:03):
the new versions of you over andover and over. And that's not
easy to do. I've done the samething. And that's not easy work.
So for someone who is currentlyfeeling like, is this seriously
what my life is right now? Thiscan't be one. This is right.
This, this can't be yet. I don'tknow what I'm doing. I don't
know where I'm heading. What wasyour biggest piece of advice to

(38:23):
that girl be?

Lex (38:27):
First, regulate your nervous system so that you can
be open and curious. And thensecond would be and this is like
the main one. But if you're in aspot where you don't feel
empowered to be open orconnected or curious, first work
through that. And then Irecommend just ask yourself
questions and spend time withyourself. Which is terrifying.

(38:49):
Yeah. Oh, yeah. If you'reanything like me, like when I
moved out and was living alonefor the first time last year,
oh, my goodness, there was not asecond that I did not have a
podcast, a TV show. playing inthe background from the moment I
woke up until I fell asleep witha podcast also on lots of law

(39:11):
and order. SVU Yeah. And sobecause of that, I really wasn't
spending time with myself eventhough I was alone. I wasn't
checking in and I didn't knowwhat that looked like and
journaling quite honestly isterrifying to me. Yeah, so I

(39:31):
think I kind of accidentallyeased into it by using Pinterest
and yeah, to see like, okay,whose page am I going to to make
me smile? Whose life like Istarted a collection on tik tok.
If you save a video you cancreate a collection same as
Instagram and it's titled dreamlife. And so the the, you know,

(39:51):
cute girl who lives in Floridawho is waking up and doing a
sunrise suck, swim. Yes, youknow, posting a picture of her
dunking in the ocean. shouldn'tlike that's in my dream life.
Because one day I want to liveby the ocean for a season. And I
want to experience that joy andfulfillment that the ocean
brings me when I'm on vacations,and so just paying attention to

(40:12):
what you're drawn to. And thenalso second, like double check
that though too, because are youdrawn to it? Because it's what
society says you're, you'resupposed to be? Yes. Or is it
truly what like, kind of givesyou a little bit of butterflies
and makes you feel a little bitgiddy or excited, or?

Maddy (40:32):
I love that.

Lex (40:33):
I'm happy smiley. I don't know just any of those emotions
that maybe you don't even knowhow to feel yet. If you're like
me, and just don't feel feelingsand you're

Maddy (40:44):
I've also gotten the emotional wheel that says happy.
Okay, let's move out excited.
Okay. I've gotten that too.
Okay. And yes, I have looked atit. I've opened it up on my
computer, and I'm like, okay,how am I really feeling right
now?

Lex (41:00):
Yes. And I love that you brought that up. It's like
Katherine and Mary are incontact or something. They could
probably be besties. But it'shilarious. And, and it's funny
because we laugh and like, partof me wants to be like, it feels
so childish, like you hunkereddown. And I'm, like, you know,
we have a feelings wheel. Andalso like, it's okay, that we

(41:21):
weren't given those tools aschildren. And I'm really proud
of you for learning them now.
Because that's more than we cansave for a lot of the previous
generations. If yes, your familyand 100%

Maddy (41:32):
Oh, 100%.

Lex (41:33):
It's like, hey, like, I'm having to name emotions that my
family members are telling mestories, like they're telling me
to read what happened. And, andI pause, and I say, Were you
feeling this way? Yeah, I don'tknow. And kind of move on. And
then she'll pause and go, yeah.
Oh, actually, yeah. And the nexttime I see her, it's, you know,
I thought about that a littlebit after you left. And yeah,

(41:54):
I'm essentially teaching, youknow, other family members who
are older than me. Yeah, theirfeelings. And it's not silly.
And it's not Yeah. And it's,it's sad. Yeah, that they didn't
have those tools. And also, it'sreally empowering that we do and
we get to share them. Yeah. So Idon't even know where we were at
before that. But I love that.

(42:15):
Oh, just checking in withyourself. So yeah, things on
Pinterest on, you know, otherthings. There's a woman named
Kristen and I apologize. Maybewe can add this in the show
notes. Yeah, totally off the topof my head. But I saw it tik tok
post from her and actually kindof know her from a program I
did. And she shared something,it's called to becoming bored.

(42:36):
And so instead of it being avision board, it's a becoming
board. And I love that it'sdesigned, for what you want your
day to day to look like. So youknow, I have a picture saved as
someone sitting on the couchwith their dog reading a
personal development book, likeYeah, I always start my
mornings. Now. You know whatcoffee mug I'm using, like I
have, you know, it's like, yeah,and you start to really curate

(42:58):
what you want your day to looklike. If you focus on what you
want your days to look like andwhat activities make you feel
good. You can start to figureout what your passion is and
what your purpose is. Yeah. Andthen you surround yourself with
a community. So back to beingintentional about your
community, and your commitment.
So if you always wanted to tryyoga, but you feel like you're
not a yogi, yeah, go try a yogaclass, like, a whole yoga stint

(43:22):
last year, because I want to belike the cute girl wearing her
cute shoes to the yoga place.
And, you know, like, has a verynice yoga mat and all these
things. And I loved that season.
And like right now, that's notthe season I'm in and that's
okay. Like I tried it. Yeah, itwasn't necessarily for me for
life. And like, I'll probablycome back to it. I'm sure I
will. But then I wanted to trydance. And so I had some really

(43:44):
incredible friends through theyoga community. And then I'm
making really cool friendsthrough the dance community.
Yeah. And, and that is how youstart to build connections that
can lead to that purpose andpassion. And suddenly, you're
not surrounded by people who sayyour ideas are stupid, or that
your dreams are too big andunrealistic. Yeah. You know,

(44:06):
it's, it's when you when you'rereally intentional about who you
spend time with. And I want torecognize I know it's not easy
to make those decisions. Yeah.
And even the fact that you couldbe considering you're so proud
of yourself for that. Yeah. Itis a hard decision. And also, I
have never once thought aboutundoing it. Yeah. Because I

(44:31):
think about I often reflect onyou know, how would I have felt
leaving the house if I in thisoutfit? If I were going to see
one of these family members? Iwould be feeling insecure that I
didn't whiten my teeth this weekbecause apparently my teeth are
ugly and I need veneersaccording to this family member.
Yeah. You know, I would befeeling insecure about the fit

(44:52):
of my shirt because it's toorevealing. It's not it never.
But you know, all of thosethings that we were We were told
the stories that we were toldand given. You know, how long
are you going to carry thosethings that you didn't even
decide to pick up in the firstplace? Yeah, yeah, it was even
yours to pick up. But it wasgiven to us. So yeah, I'm really

(45:14):
being intentional about thecommunity. And then, like, once
you do that, you will feel moreempowered to find a direction. I
think a lot of times we wefreeze until we find what we
want. Yeah. But it's never goingto be as clear cut as that look
at Yeah, to look at myself.
Maddie is the queen of takingmessy action and using that to
help us. Yeah, and that'sexactly what I do, too. Yeah.

(45:36):
Just sharing the day to daylife. Yeah. And hoping that you
can pick up pieces that aregoing to help you along the way.
Yeah. And, and I think it's soincredible. When you surround
yourself with people who are inthat headspace will never look
at you and say that dream is toobig. Yeah. Because they know
that if you can think of it ifthe opportunity presents itself

(45:56):
to you if the idea presentsitself to you. It is for you.
Huh, it's already worse.

Maddy (46:03):
Yeah. Oh my god. So good.
There's so much goodness in thisepisode. Lex, can you please
share with us where people canfind you all of the good things.
And then any, anything extrathat you want us to know, I'll
be sure to link everything thatshe mentioned down in the show
notes for you guys. And I'm sureshe has a bunch of she's
mentioned it multiple times tonsof resources over on Instagram
as well. But where can peoplefind you all of those good

(46:24):
things?

Lex (46:26):
Yes. So you can find me on Tik Tok or Instagram at a b a n
AC H 11. If you DM me onInstagram, somatic healing,
you'll automatically get thelink to grab the email that has
all of my resources listed.
Otherwise, what I want to leaveyou with is to pay attention to
the stories that you're holding,and where they came from.
Because if you can change yourstory, you can change your life.

(46:49):
And a lot of times the storiesthat are dictating your every
single move, yep. Were neveryours to begin with. A lot of
times, you know, family membersgive us advice, or they tell us
stories to try to keep us safe.
Yeah, you know, I have a friendwho built this business and they

(47:09):
went, you know, bankrupt and X,Y and Z when you're talking
about a business venture and andthat's fair, and I can have
empathy and understanding forwhy they want to keep us safe.
Yeah. And also I can understandthat those are their limiting
beliefs and their stories. And Ihave more resources and more
potential to change thosethings. Because of the community

(47:32):
and mindset that I'vecultivated. So yeah, I think
choosing your stories beingreally intentional about who
told you that? Yeah, askyourself Who told you that?
Yeah. When you say, you know,well, I don't have nice teeth.
Who told you that? Yeah. WhichCatherine humbled me real quick.
And then also allowing yourselfpermission to accept the way

(47:54):
that people treated you? Andalso know, you don't have to
force? Forgiveness? Yeah, it'son your own personal definition.
You can accept how peopletreated you without forgiving
them. This is my own thing. Likewith forgiveness, I, for me, I
need an apology and a change ofbehavior. So how do I forgive
somebody that I'm no contactwith? Who will never change?

(48:17):
Yeah, I can't. But I can accepthow they, how they treated me.
And then lastly, I can haveempathy and understanding for
why they are the way that theyare. And I can also still
acknowledge that the way thatthey treated me is not okay. And
that I deserve better. So thelast thing I want to kind of
leave you with is that you areso inherently loved, deserving,

(48:40):
and worthy of having incrediblerelationships and incredible
passions and incrediblefulfillment in your life. And
the people that make you thinkthat you're not, are not the
people that are going to sitwith you at the ceremony or your
kids or at the celebrationparties. Yep. Because they're
never going to be rooting foryour success the way that you

(49:03):
deserve. So you are lovable, youare so inherently worthy. And
I'm so proud of you for beinghere. Because this is an
incredible space that Maddyhosts for you. And to be in this
empowered mindset where you'realready working on yourself like
you're unstoppable already. Youjust have to recognize it and
give yourself permission to gofor it.

Maddy (49:25):
I love it. That was so this whole conversation was so
healing and so wonderful. Thankyou so much for bringing your
honesty and just sharing who youare. I appreciate you so so
much. If you enjoyed today'spodcast episode, be sure to take
a screenshot share it onInstagram post button on tick
tock tag Lex. I'm not on ticktock but she is so give her a
tag all those amazing things.
And Lex, thank you so much forbeing here. I appreciate you so

(49:46):
so much.

Lex (49:48):
Thank you, girlfriend. Thank you so much
for listening to today's newepisode. If you loved it, please
send it to a friend share it onInstagram and tag me so I can
see and consider leaving theshow A rating or a review.
Ratings and reviews are kind oflike sharing or liking a post on
Instagram, and they really helpthe show grow and reach new
women just like yo, be sure tosubscribe to the podcast so you

(50:10):
never miss a new episode. Anduntil next week, I am sending
you all the sunshine, goodvibes, and I hope you make it a
great day.
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