Where Does Your Grief Live When You Pretend You’re Fine

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We explore how unprocessed feelings become physical patterns—tight jaws, guarded shoulders, shallow breath—and how that state can masquerade as personality. We map the emotional gravity loop, explain the vagus nerve and HRV, and share small daily practices that teach the body it is safe to soften.

• body and mind as one system
• definition of emotional residue and somatic memory
• chronic bracing and muscle guarding
• emotion-to-body patterns across jaw, chest, gut, hips
• chemistry load of cortisol, adrenaline, inflammation
• mistaking tension for personality traits
• red flags: fatigue, digestion, overreactivity, restlessness
• vagus nerve function and HRV as adaptability
• the feedback loop of tension and fear
• bottom-up tools: breath, gentle movement, stillness, compassion
• actionable steps: five-minute breathing, 60-second stretches, present walking, hand-on-heart, sensation journaling

This podcast is created by Ai for educational and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or health advice. Please talk to your healthcare team for medical advice.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
There's this um this universal moment that I think
everyone recognizes.
It's when emotional pain stopsbeing just a thought and becomes
something, you know, trulyphysical.
You probably felt it.
That suddy heaviness when griefhits, or maybe that that
constant tension clenched inyour jaw.

SPEAKER_00 (00:16):
Or that knot between the shoulder blades.

SPEAKER_01 (00:18):
Exactly.
That dull aching knot.
It's this shocking realizationthat negativity doesn't just
float around in your head.

SPEAKER_00 (00:26):
Right.

SPEAKER_01 (00:26):
It settles in, it builds up, and it actually
becomes a physical thing youcarry around all day.

SPEAKER_00 (00:30):
A structure almost.

SPEAKER_01 (00:31):
Yeah, a structure.
So our mission today is a deepdive into that exact thing.
How unprocessed emotional weightgets literally stored in your
body.
We're talking about what theresearch calls emotional
residue.

SPEAKER_00 (00:44):
Or somatic debt.

SPEAKER_01 (00:46):
Right.
We've got the studies and thedata to really unpack how your
quietest feelings are, well,shaping your posture and your
health.

SPEAKER_00 (00:53):
Aaron Powell That's spot on.
And I think the place we have tostart is this idea that the body
is one integrated system.
There's just no clean linebetween mind, emotion, and you
know, the physical stuff thatkeeps you alive.
It's all connected.

SPEAKER_01 (01:06):
It's all connected.
Every single powerful feeling,anger, grief, fear, resentment,
it all creates an immediate,measurable response in your
body.

SPEAKER_00 (01:15):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (01:15):
Now, if those emotions are temporary, like a
flash of excitement orfrustration, the body is
amazing.
It can mobilize that energy.
And then crucially, it returnsto balance.

SPEAKER_00 (01:25):
But what happens when it's not temporary?

SPEAKER_01 (01:28):
That's the key.
When negativity becomes chronic,or when we actively suppress or
avoid difficult feelings withoutreally processing them, well,
the body is left holding thebag.

SPEAKER_00 (01:38):
And that's what we're defining as somatic
memory.

SPEAKER_01 (01:40):
Aaron Powell That's it exactly.
Somatic memory, it is the directphysiological imprint, like a
stamp of intense, unresolvedemotional experiences stored
right there in your physicaltissues.

SPEAKER_00 (01:52):
Leading to things like stiffness, discomfort.

SPEAKER_01 (01:55):
Chronic pain a lot of the time.

SPEAKER_00 (01:56):
Aaron Powell So the body literally remembers the
conversations we never finished,the hurts we tried to ignore.
It's like the body is speaking atruth that the mind has been
trying really hard to silence.

SPEAKER_01 (02:05):
Okay, let's unpack this.

SPEAKER_00 (02:07):
Let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 (02:08):
When we push down an emotion, when we say, nope, not
dealing with that right now,what is the nervous system
actually doing with all that?

SPEAKER_00 (02:17):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (02:17):
That unreleased energy?
Is it just holding its breath?

SPEAKER_00 (02:21):
That's a really powerful way to put it.
The nervous system is designedto respond, to mobilize for a
threat, whether that threat is atiger or, you know, a bad email.
When that emotional challenge issuppressed, the nervous system
never gets the all-clear signal.
It just keeps holding thetension of what wasn't finished.

SPEAKER_01 (02:39):
So it's stuck.

SPEAKER_00 (02:40):
It's stuck.

Think of it like this (02:41):
your body is a car that just slammed on
the brakes to avoid an accident.
Suppressing the emotion is likekeeping your foot pressed down
hard on the brake.

SPEAKER_01 (02:50):
And the accelerator at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 (02:51):
Exactly.
The bracing that was meant to betemporary becomes this chronic
permanent state.

SPEAKER_01 (02:57):
And what does that constant bracing actually look
like in our bodies, in ourtissues?

SPEAKER_00 (03:01):
Physically, it shows up right away.
The breath gets shallow becausethe diaphragm tightens up, the
heart rate might become a bitirregular or just stay elevated.

SPEAKER_01 (03:09):
And the muscles.

SPEAKER_00 (03:10):
And the muscles, especially the big groups in the
shoulders, the hips, the back,they tighten up.
They become these defensiveshields that we just carry
around.

SPEAKER_01 (03:18):
Aaron Powell, you know, I wonder, based on the
material we looked at, dodifferent emotions tend to
settle in different places?
Like, does grief show upsomewhere different than, say,
low-level anger?

SPEAKER_00 (03:29):
Aaron Powell That's a fascinating question.
And yeah, the research suggeststhere are patterns, though it's
different for everyone.
But generally, anger andfrustration that often gets
stored in the jaw, the fists,the hips.

SPEAKER_01 (03:41):
Areas for action.

SPEAKER_00 (03:41):
Exactly, areas for mobilization.
Whereas chronic fear, sadness,deep grief that tends to settle
in the chest, the throat, thestomach, it gives you that
tight, heavy, or even hollowfeeling.

SPEAKER_01 (03:53):
Aaron Powell So these spots become containers
for our unresolved stories.

SPEAKER_00 (03:57):
That's the perfect word for it.
They're containers.

SPEAKER_01 (03:59):
And it's not just this mechanical tightening,
right?
There's a chemical cost to this,too.
It's a systemic problem.

SPEAKER_00 (04:05):
Oh, absolutely.
When the nervous system isalways activated because of this
emotional residue, the chemicalcost is huge.
Hormones like cortisol andadrenaline just stay chronically
elevated.
Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_01 (04:15):
The body's in a constant low-grade fire drill.

SPEAKER_00 (04:17):
That's it.
And over time, that drivessystemic inflammation.
One source put it so well.
It said the body becomes aliteral container for these
unresolved stories.
We're carrying the past in ourcells.

SPEAKER_01 (04:30):
What's so fascinating here, and this is a
huge point from the sources, ishow this accumulated weight can
feel so normal that we mistakeit for our personality.

SPEAKER_00 (04:40):
Yes.
This might be the most insidiouspart of it all.
People live with this intense,lifelong bracing, and they just
internalize it.

SPEAKER_01 (04:48):
They think this is just me.

SPEAKER_00 (04:49):
Right.
They say things like, oh, I'malways tense, or I never relax,
that's just how I am, or the bigone, I'm just an anxious person.

SPEAKER_01 (04:55):
Instead of seeing it as a symptom?

SPEAKER_00 (04:57):
Exactly.
They accept this physicalresidue as an innate personality
trait, not as the weight ofunprocessed emotional data.

SPEAKER_01 (05:04):
Aaron Powell So it's the mind resisting what the body
is trying to say.
The body is signaling distress,but the mind just slaps on a
convenient label, likepersonality flaw.

SPEAKER_00 (05:12):
Precisely.
The real awakening happens whenyou realize that tension is not
you.
It's just the story you've beenholding.
And that shift lets you start toseparate the residue from your
core self.

SPEAKER_01 (05:25):
Okay, so if the body is carrying all this, we need to
know how to spot the signals,especially the subtle ones, not
just the obvious muscle aches.
What are the hints that ournervous system is stuck in
defense mode?

SPEAKER_00 (05:37):
Well, the research points to several key things.
The obvious one, of course, isthat chronic tension in the
neck, back, or shoulders thatjust will not release no matter
what you do.
Right.
But you should also look forless obvious signs.
Things like digestive issuesthat flare up whenever you're
stressed.

SPEAKER_01 (05:51):
Aaron Powell Or that deep, persistent fatigue that
has no medical cause.

SPEAKER_00 (05:55):
Yes.
You're tired because your bodyis burning massive amounts of
energy, just maintaining thatconstant defensive posture.

SPEAKER_01 (06:01):
Aaron Powell And what about behavioral signals?
Yeah.
Like snapping at small things.

SPEAKER_00 (06:06):
Absolutely.
Two huge signals.
The first is that extremeoverreactivity, the milk spills,
and you react like it's acatastrophe.
That's not about the milk.
It's a sign your system isrunning so hot it has zero
capacity left.

SPEAKER_01 (06:18):
And the second.

SPEAKER_00 (06:19):
The second is a persistent difficulty just
resting or feeling truly safe,even when you're in a perfectly
safe place, like your own home.

SPEAKER_01 (06:28):
Your body is still scanning for the bear.

SPEAKER_00 (06:30):
Your body is still scanning for the bear.
It's the sound of a nervoussystem that's stuck in a defense
loop and can't downregulate.

SPEAKER_01 (06:36):
So this emotional weight is literally changing our
posture and our internalchemistry.
This goes way deeper than atense muscle.
We have to talk about the vagusnerve.

SPEAKER_00 (06:47):
Yes, this is where it gets really sophisticated.
The vagus nerve is this criticalpathway, sometimes called the
wandering nerve.

SPEAKER_01 (06:54):
Because it goes everywhere, right?

SPEAKER_00 (06:55):
Pretty much.
It runs from the brainstem downto the heart, the lungs, the
gut.
It's the main informationhighway for your rest and digest
system.

SPEAKER_01 (07:04):
Aaron Powell So when we're stuck in that chronic
emotional brace, what happens onthis highway?

SPEAKER_00 (07:09):
When we're constantly in a negative,
suppressed state, the vagusnerve actually becomes less
flexible.
Think of a healthy vagus nerveas a really responsive rubber
band.
It can stretch for stress andthen quickly snap back to calm.
And when it loses flexibility,the whole system gets sluggish.
And that lack of responsivenessshows up physically as reduced
heart rate variability or HRV.

SPEAKER_01 (07:31):
Okay.
That sounds technical.
For anyone listening, what doeslow HRV actually feel like day
to day?

SPEAKER_00 (07:37):
That's a great question to clarify.
HRV isn't your heart rate.
It's the tiny micro differencesin time between each heartbeat.
When those differences arelarge, that's high HRV, it means
your nervous system isadaptable.
It can hit the gas and the brakeeffectively.

SPEAKER_01 (07:53):
Okay.

SPEAKER_00 (07:54):
But when HRV is low, it means your system is rigid.
It feels like you can't calmdown after a shock.
Or like you're primed forsurvival all the time.
Your car is stuck idling infifth gear.
You've lost the ability to shiftinto a calm, healing state.

SPEAKER_01 (08:08):
Aaron Powell It sounds like this chronic
negativity creates a kind ofpowerful emotional gravity.
It's just constantly pullingeverything down.

SPEAKER_00 (08:14):
That's a perfect analogy.

SPEAKER_01 (08:15):
And the worst part is that it becomes a feedback
loop, right?
It reinforces itself without useven realizing it.
How does that cycle work?

SPEAKER_00 (08:21):
The cycle is incredibly clever and quiet.
It starts with the body beingtense from that stored residue.
That physical tension sendssignals up to the brain.

SPEAKER_01 (08:32):
Which then interprets that tension as proof
that something is wrong.

SPEAKER_00 (08:35):
Exactly.
The brain says, I feel tense, sothere must be a threat out
there.
So the mind becomeshyper-vigilant, scanning for
danger.

SPEAKER_01 (08:43):
And that hypervigilance then makes the
body even more tense.

SPEAKER_00 (08:46):
It's a vicious cycle.
Physical discomfort justifiesmental fear, and mental fear
justifies physical discomfort.
And that cycle quietly sets yourentire stress baseline.

SPEAKER_01 (08:56):
But, and this is the hopeful part, if we created that
pattern by suppressing emotion,we can interrupt it by engaging
the body differently.

SPEAKER_00 (09:05):
Absolutely.
That is the hopeful message inall the sources.
Healing starts by justacknowledging the weight and
gently giving the bodypermission to release it.

SPEAKER_01 (09:13):
It's not about forcing it.

SPEAKER_00 (09:14):
No, forcing it just adds more tension.
It's about softening the stance.

SPEAKER_01 (09:18):
So, what are the pathways to that release?
How do we interrupt that defenseloop and signal to the body that
it's finally safe to let go ofthat emotional gravity?

SPEAKER_00 (09:27):
The methods have to be rooted in the body, since
that's where the memory is.
The research all points topractices that open the nervous
system from the bottom up.
We send physical signals ofsafety to override the mental
signals of threat.

SPEAKER_01 (09:39):
Things like breathing and movement.

SPEAKER_00 (09:41):
Conscious, regulated breathing, yes.
And mindful movement, notaggressive exercise, but gentle
intentional movement.
Stillness and reflection arealso key.
Just letting the system rest.

SPEAKER_01 (09:54):
And compassion.

SPEAKER_00 (09:54):
And crucially, self-compassion.
Treating that tense, guardedbody not as an enemy to be
defeated, but as a vulnerablepart of you that needs care.

SPEAKER_01 (10:04):
You can't shame yourself into feeling safe.

SPEAKER_00 (10:06):
You can't.
When you do these things, thenervous system starts to open
up, the muscles soften, thebreath deepens, and the mind
starts to feel safer because thebody is reporting less of a
threat.

SPEAKER_01 (10:16):
Which brings us to the final synthesis, really.
The main takeaway here is thatawareness is the first most
critical step.
It's about gently noticing thetension, not trying to fix it
instantly.

SPEAKER_00 (10:27):
Which, as you said, just adds more tension.

SPEAKER_01 (10:29):
So we've covered somatic memory, the emotional
gravity loop, the vagus nerve.
For everyone listening who wantsto start interrupting this
cycle, what are some specificactionable steps they can take
this week?

SPEAKER_00 (10:40):
The sources all suggest small, consistent
actions that over time teachyour nervous system that it's
safe to soften.

SPEAKER_01 (10:47):
Tiny doses of safety.

SPEAKER_00 (10:48):
Tiny doses of safety.
First, try a slow, deliberate,five-minute breathing practice
every day.
The goal isn't to solveeverything, it's just to send a
tiny signal to your brain thatfor these 300 seconds you are
safe.
That builds vagal tone.

SPEAKER_01 (11:04):
Just that intentional grounding.

SPEAKER_00 (11:05):
It's so powerful.
Second, gentle stretching.
Focus on the chronically tightspots.
Your hips, your jaw, your chest.
Hold a gentle stretch for atleast 60 seconds.
That gives the nervous systemtime to actually yield.

SPEAKER_01 (11:17):
Okay.

SPEAKER_00 (11:17):
Third, take a short walk without headphones, no
distractions.
Just be present in yourenvironment and let the physical
act of walking discharge some ofthat stored energy.

SPEAKER_01 (11:26):
And what about in a moment of acute stress?

SPEAKER_00 (11:28):
A great in the moment tool is to just place a
hand on your heart or yourstomach.
It's a physical signal ofself-soothing that your nervous
system registers instantly assafety.

SPEAKER_01 (11:38):
And finally.

SPEAKER_00 (11:39):
Finally, try journaling.
But instead of writing what youthink, write about what your
body feels.
Is it heavy, light, sharp, dull?
Giving voice to the physicalexperience is the first step to
releasing it.

SPEAKER_01 (11:52):
So what does this all mean?
I want you to just take a momentright now, feel your shoulders,
notice your jaw, check in withthe space around your heart.

SPEAKER_00 (11:59):
Where is it whispering?

SPEAKER_01 (12:00):
Yeah.
Where does your body whisperthat it's tired?
That it's still braced forsomething.
And just consider how mucheasier it is for the mind to
follow, for it to find peacewhen the body is finally given
permission to soften.