It Starts With You: The Relationship That Changes Everything

What if every hard relationship in your life—your partner, your friends, your colleagues, even your family—could be traced back to one relationship you tend to forget?

The one with yourself.

This week on The Lulu Essey Podcast, I’m exploring the relationship that sets the tone for every other one in your life. Because when you change your relationship with yourself, build self-trust, and develop curiosity... everything else begins to shift.

If you’ve been struggling with relationship patterns, feeling misunderstood, or caught in cycles of self-criticism and your inner critic, this episode offers a different path forward.

I also share a story from a recent workshop with Elizabeth Gilbert—and how one letter cracked open everything I thought I knew about fear, self-love, and the way we connect with others.

Key Takeaways

✨ Every frustrating relationship pattern traces back to your relationship with yourself

✨ Self-compassion starts with curiosity, not forced affection—observe yourself like a kind documentary filmmaker

✨ Fear isn't your enemy—it's a protector trying to keep you safe from perceived danger

✨ The "Letter from Fear" exercise—let fear speak to loosen its grip on you

✨ Why we're kinder to others than ourselves—and how to bridge that gap

✨ Contradictions aren't problems to solve—they're the beautiful complexity of being human

✨ Creating space between you and automatic reactions transforms relationships

✨ Curiosity over judgment always—in relationships with yourself and others

Powerful Quotes

"Every relationship you have with others is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself."

"What makes other people worthy of your love and not you?"

"What if fear isn't your enemy trying to sabotage you? What if it's actually a protector trying to keep you safe?"

"Our contradictions become interesting rather than shameful."

"Let fear speak. When you let it speak, it no longer has control over you."

"Curiosity over judgment, awareness over fixing—always."

Chapters

00:00 — The Foundation: Why Self-Relationship Matters
06:54 — Beyond Forced Self-Love: Awareness & Curiosity
13:40 — Understanding Fear as Your Protector
19:31 — The Letter from Fear Exercise (Elizabeth Gilbert Method)
25:03 — How This Transforms Your Relationships with Others
27:36 — Your Practice: Becoming Your Own Kind Witness

Tools Featured

🔧 The Kind Witness Practice — Observe yourself with curiosity, not judgment
🔧 Letter from Fear Exercise — Let fear speak to loosen its grip
🔧 Curious Self-Reflection — Notice patterns without immediately fixing them
🔧 Space Creation Technique — Pause between trigger and reaction

This is an inside job. Share this episode with those you love. 💛

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Thank you for being here. You are enough. ✨