Rethinking Communication: Unlocking Balance in Relationships

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What if the secret to a balanced relationship lies in rethinking how we communicate and fulfill each other's needs? Join us as we unravel the fascinating and often contrasting relationship philosophies of men and women. Discover the common mindsets of "I'm good, you're bad" versus "I'm bad, you're good," and how these attitudes can shape the early stages of relationships, often leading to tension and unmet expectations. We'll guide you through an eye-opening restaurant metaphor that vividly illustrates the frustrations of one-sided relationships, where one partner feasts while the other is left hungry for attention and appreciation.

As we explore these dynamics, we'll highlight the turning point many women experience, often around their 40s, when they refuse to accept an unbalanced win-lose scenario any longer. Learn why empathy and open communication are crucial in avoiding long-term dissatisfaction and fostering equitable partnerships. This episode promises insights into improving relational dynamics, offering tools for open dialogue and mutual fulfillment. Whether you're navigating a new relationship or seeking to strengthen an existing one, our conversation offers valuable perspectives for anyone invested in creating a thriving, healthy partnership.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Men tend to operate on the I'm good, you're bad
philosophy with a woman and thewomen tend to operate on an I'm
bad, you're good philosophy.
So for a while it works like theguy's like I'm good and you're
bad, and we see that a lot inthe negotiation.
Right, it's like well, I'mdoing everything right and she's
just being difficult.
I'm good, you're bad, I'm doingthe right thing, you're being
difficult.
That's the fundamental identity, where it's coming from I'm

(00:22):
good, you're bad, I'm right,you're wrong.
And for a long time the womenoperate out of a I'm bad, you're
good philosophy, I'm a badperson and you're a good person.
Therefore, I tolerate thisrelationship, or this is a good
relationship.
But in that sort of 40-ish agerange man that switches in the
woman and she's no longerwilling to accept I'm bad,

(00:43):
you're good scenario, she's nolonger willing to accept a
win-lose scenario I win or I,cody win at the expense of my
wife, you know, for 20 years.
The woman's usually willing todeal with that, willing to put
up with that, and it kind ofreinforces in our mind the idea
that that's a winning philosophy.
But it isn't and it's like thethe.

(01:04):
This is a really good example.
It's like the intimacy thing.
Why does your wife not want tohave sex with you?
Well, it's the same for thewhole relationship.
It's like if your wife goes toyou I need a dinner date once a
week for this to be a successful, happy marriage and you go okay
, I'm willing to give you that.
And then you go to therestaurant and it's first dinner
date and you both order yourfood and the waitress brings out

(01:26):
your wife's food.
But she doesn't bring out yourfood and she starts to eat her
starter and she's like yum,that's delicious.
And then the waitress comes outand she takes her starter away
and brings her main stillnothing for you.
You're starving to death,you're hungry and you just sit
there and your wife's like yum,yum, yum, this is the best
salmon, is the best salmon.
You should try it.
You should have ordered some.
And you're just sitting therelooking at it drooling.

(01:48):
She eats her food and then thewaitress comes, takes her plate
away and brings her dessertStill nothing for you.
And she eats her dessert andgoes that is the creamiest panna
cotta I've ever had.
That was wonderful.
And the waitress comes and takesthe plate away and goes can I
get you a coffee and a cheeseboard and she goes that would be
delightful.
And she brings the coffee andcheese billboard and the wife

(02:10):
looks at you, going you don'twant anything.
And then, as she finishes herlast little piece of cheese, the
wife, the waitress, finallybrings out the chicken wings you
orders at the starter.
You take one little nibble ofthe chicken wing, starving to
death.
And your wife goes come on,then let's go.
And drags you away.
You know you haven't eaten adamn bite.
And then on the way home, shelooks at you and goes we're so
good together.

(02:30):
What an amazing evening, what afantastic evening, aren't we so
good together?
And you're thinking what areyou talking about?
And she goes I can't wait to dothis again next week, can't
wait to do this again next week.
And that goes on for do thisagain next week.
And that goes on for 20 years.
And then finally you go I'mjust not getting anything out of
this.

(02:50):
And she's like what are youtalking about?
We've had so many wonderful datenights and that's what's going
on in the marriage.
Like we're getting our needsmet over and over and over again
.
We're having a four or fivecourse meal.
We're going hey, in order forthis marriage to be successful,
I need this from you.
And you're going out havingthat date night, getting a four
or five course meal and yourwife's not even getting a
chicken wing.
And, of course, as men, in ourposition of not really being

(03:14):
that empathetic, we don't.
We just think, because we'vehad a wonderful time, because
we've had a great experience,because everything's been good
for us, we just look at thewoman and go how amazing was
that, how good are we together?
Oh bro, how good are you havinga relationship with yourself?
How good are you at gettingyour needs met?

(03:36):
And there comes a point in thewoman's life, usually in the 40s
, where she just goes no, it'sabout me.
Now I am going to get my needsmet, you know and that analogy
applies to the wholerelationship but definitely in
the sex environment, definitelyin the sex environment.
The sex dies to some extentbecause it's, like you know,
it's almost like a badge ofhonor, right for the woman to
meet her man's needs.

(03:57):
She meets his needs for so longand she doesn't even get a
chicken wing in return.
At some point she goes well,I've been meeting your needs for
this long and I haven't gotlike what's the point man?
Like why am I doing this, whenthe man just goes well,
everything's changed.
Why is everything?
You're the one that's changed,you're the one that's different?
And it's like well, yeah, she isdifferent, but she's different

(04:19):
in in a way that she's developeda sense of self-esteem.
She's developed a sense ofself-esteem, she's developed a
sense of self-respect, she'sdeveloped an attitude of I'm
going to get my needs met inthis relationship or I'm going
to leave.
And when she develops thatattitude of I need to get my
needs met as well, then she getsvillainized and she gets
accused of changing, and shegets accused of all these

(04:42):
negative things.
Right, versus just going.
Hey, you know, if my wife'sleaving the relationship, it's
because she's not getting herneeds met and she hasn't got
them met in a very long time.
You know, and a very simpleantidote to that, a very simple
vaccine to that, is simply to go.
I'm not going to even thinkabout my needs until.
You know, my wife's probablygoing to listen to this.
So if you're listening to this,sweetheart, I'm saying this to

(05:03):
the men, not you it's going tothe wife with the attitude of
I'm not even going to considerthat I have a need until all of
your needs have been met.
I'm not going to ask you tomeet my needs until your needs
have been met.
I'm not even going to bring myneeds into your awareness until
I'm damn sure that I've met yourneeds.

(05:24):
You know, and when you thinkabout the analogy that we talked
about, it's like if you've goneon a date night to a restaurant
for 20 years, gentlemen, andyou haven't got so much as a
chicken wing out of it, andshe's had a three course meal,
let's say you've done that threenights a week for 20 years and
she's got a full four, five, sixcourse meal and an amazing
experience, and you haven't gota chicken wing out of it.