September 30, 2024 • 10 mins
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How much stress and anxiety could you shed if you simply let go of specific outcomes? In today's episode, we deeply explore the transformative power of detachment and its role in achieving unconditional happiness. By sharing personal stories about buying a house and planning a holiday, we demonstrate how releasing the need for control can lead to a more peaceful and attractive life. You'll discover practical tips to cultivate this mindset, improve your sleep, and enhance your overall well-being—all by embracing the idea that true happiness comes from within, independent of external circumstances.
Ever wondered why some relationships thrive while others wither? The second part of our episode turns the spotlight on sustaining fun and kindness in relationships, particularly focusing on the critical role of everyday niceties. Reflecting on a friend's marriage that ended due to her husband's stubbornness, we learn that what many women truly seek is just a bit more kindness and consideration from their partners. Through heartfelt anecdotes and relatable advice, we underscore that successful, joyful relationships are often built on simple acts of gentleness and light-heartedness, rather than complex solutions. Tune in to discover how little gestures can nurture a resilient and loving partnership.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
the more needy you are of your wife, the less
attractive she's going to findthat.
And this is why, you know,we're now moving into the
detachment piece.
Right, it's like.
This is why detaching from theoutcome is very important,
because if you're detached, youdon't need it.
If you don't need it, you aregoing to be attractive to it.
The second you need it you'renot going to be attractive at
all.
You know, and that's why, like,I want it, but I don't need it.
(00:29):
I would like for this, you know,it's like I'm in the process of
buying a house.
I may even have bought thehouse.
Or on this call, like my lawyerjust sent me a message and I
said send it to my wife, she'llsign it.
I may, I may have closed on thehouse.
Well, this call is going on.
But it's like I'm just like I'mnot going to get attached to
this.
I'm not going to getemotionally attached.
If it happens, it happens, andif it happens, it happens, and
if it doesn't, it doesn't, right, like I want this house and I
like this house and I think it'sa good house and good for us,
but I'm not going to getattached to it.
If it happens, it happens If itdoesn't.
(00:50):
It doesn't Doesn't mean I don'twant it Doesn't mean I'm not
interested in it.
Of course I want it, of courseI'm interested.
It doesn't mean I don't them.
Now I engage properly, but I'mdetached.
My goal for each and every oneof you is to arrive at a place
of you know you'reunconditionally happy.
(01:10):
There's no conditions attachedto that happiness, and you can
arrive there.
You can get there.
But we've got to startstripping it back.
Stripping it back.
And again, how do you sleepbetter at night?
Well, you just detach fromevery outcome.
If I get house, I get the house.
If not, I'm going to sleep.
All right, I'd like to get it.
I'd like to get a new clienttoday.
If we don't get a new client,fair enough, I'll still sleep
(01:31):
tonight.
I'm going on holiday friday.
I would like for the sun to beshining where we're going, but
if it's not, we'll make the mostof it.
Right, like when you can justlet go of the outcome and say
I'm going to be happyunconditionally, I'm going to
experience unconditionalhappiness.
A lot of your worries go away.
A lot of your dramas just goaway.
And that's what's attractive.
Someone that can be happy inany situation that's attractive.
(01:54):
That, ultimately, is what yourwife wants.
I went to a seminar just a quickexample then I just don't have
time to call it.
I went to a seminar one timeand this guy was like, let me be
your wealth advisor.
I'm like, what's your net worth?
And he's like, well, I'm juststarting out.
It's like, well, you're notgoing to advise me.
Then, buddy, like if your networth is zero and I'm your first
no, not going to happen.
It's like you haven't.
You need to demonstrate in yourlife the results that you're
(02:17):
potentially going to give to theother person.
So if wife looks at you and seesthat you're unconditionally
happy, she's going to want that100.
She's going to want that.
If she sees that you'resleeping well at night, you know
like my wife will be stressingout for the next like we're
going.
We're going on friday.
She'll be stressing out fromnow until friday about the
weather.
She'll she'll have sleeplessnights.
What if it rains?
Well, what if it rains?
(02:37):
What do you know?
Is worrying about it going tochange?
It is worrying about it goingto have any impact at all on the
weather.
Or are you just going to keepyourself awake for two nights,
worrying about it for no validpurpose.
You know, just harm yourself.
And then am I looking at hergoing well, worrying about
something that you have nocontrol over.
That's a good strategy, so I'mgoing to follow her lead.
No, I've got to detach and showher don't ruin the next two
(03:00):
days of your life over somethingyou have no control over.
Be unconditionally happy forthe next two days, and I would
suggest big statement, but justhang with it for a second.
If you're not capable of beinghappy where you are, happiness
will elude you forever.
If what we're saying ishappiness ultimately is at some
(03:20):
point in the future, whencertain circumstances align,
then I would say happiness issomething that's going to elude
you forever because you'reputting it outside of yourself
and you're putting it in thefuture, versus accepting that
happiness is an inside job.
Happiness is something that wechoose and that we create, and
we do that by what we've justtalked about.
Right, how do we release in thegrievances, not creating any new
(03:42):
grievances today, operating ina spirit of forgiveness, I'm
going to forgive others, I'mgoing to their forgiveness.
You know how many of us are ina position where we've done
something and we can't acceptthe forgiveness that somebody
else is willing to give us.
You know that's a big one.
I'm going to offer forgivenessfreely.
I'm going to accept forgivenessfreely.
(04:03):
I'm going to forgive myself.
I'm not going to hold anygrudges.
I'm not going to create newgrudges.
I'm going to start to worktowards releasing all this
baggage.
I'm carrying around thegrievances, the pain, the
frustrations, the angers, thedisappointments, the ifs and
buts.
If ifs and buts were candiesand nuts, it'd be Christmas
every day I'm going to let go of.
If I did this differently ayear ago, if I did this
(04:24):
differently two years ago.
I'm going to let go of all ofthat stuff and my goal from this
day forth is to achieve a stateof unconditional happiness.
I am going to beunconditionally happy, which
means you need nothing, whichmeans you're detached from
everything, which meanseverything that's ever been
created is gonna be drawn to you.
That's a good place to be andthat's where you'll truly see
not just your marriage blossombut your health, your sleep,
(04:48):
your finances, yourrelationships, everything.
Everything's gonna just kickoff in a very positive way
versus you know.
I mean we know people write thatwhatever they touch turns to
gold.
And then we know other peoplethat you could give them $100,
and they'd sell it for 50.
And it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter what you givethis person, it's going to turn
to gold.
And it doesn't matter what yougive that person, they're going
(05:08):
to screw it up.
That's an internal state.
The man that's touchingeverything and it's turned into
gold has everything and more isbeing given to him.
The man that touches everythingyou know, gives him 100 and
sells it for 50, he has verylittle.
What little he has is stillgoing to be taken.
So what are you offering now?
Right?
I mean, she's looking at yougoing.
If I come back to this man, I'mfundamentally going to be a
caregiver.
I'm going to be a caregiver andthat and that's where a lot of
(05:29):
us are right, like our wives arelooking at us going.
Well, if I come back to thisman, like, fundamentally, what
I'm going to be from this pointforth is his caregiver.
I'm gonna be a parent or I'mgonna be a caregiver.
I'm gonna be.
I'm gonna be a living nurse,right, because you're gonna need
to be taken care of.
When she's looking at you inthose states and when it's like
your happiness is clearlydependent on her being there and
her behaving certain ways.
(05:50):
So you put a lot of pressure onit.
And two, you're not in greathealth mentally.
As you say, she's looking yougo in this guy.
If I get back to this guy, I'mgonna, I'm all.
All that is in this for me is Iget to be an unpaid caregiver.
So when you say it's over, it'snot over.
That aspect of the relationshipis over, right, if you're, if
that's what you're offering her,yes, it's over.
(06:10):
She's clearly telling you no,I'm not going to be your
caregiver.
I'm not going to enter backinto the relationship on these
terms again.
Like your wife only said yes toyou for two reasons she loved
the way you made her feel andshe saw that a future with you
was better than a future withoutyou.
Now, if she's leaving, theopposite is true.
She hates the way she feelsaround you and she sees a future
(06:30):
without you as being a betteroption than a future with you.
Now, that being said, when she'slooking at you, colin, in your
pre-detachment state, what she'sseeing is she loving the way
that she's feeling right now andshe's seeing that a future with
you is a good thing.
She's looking at you, going,hey, I don't like the way that I
feel about around this guyright now and it's not
necessarily that you've been adickhead.
It's like it's hard to bearound people that are manic,
(06:52):
that are depressed, that areupset, that are on edge all the
time.
It's like it's not a nicefeeling, right, especially if
that's your reality all the time.
It's a big responsibility thatfalls on the person that is
dealing with that, and whatpossible future can she see?
But here's the beautiful thingyour marriage can change because
you can change, and it's theonly reason your marriage can
change, the only reason there'sno other way your marriage can
(07:15):
change other than you can change.
And it's like right now.
You know I said all the timeyou've given her the option of
shit or shittier.
You know staying with me is apretty shitty option because I'm
not in the best condition rightnow and I know you don't like
the way you feel around me andI'm not showing you a very
bright future.
So staying with me is shit.
Leaving is even shittier.
(07:36):
But what other option has shegot?
Staying with a version of youthat she loves, how she feels
around, that she can see abright future being with and we
talked about it last week, butlet's talk about it again.
It's like really I mean just totake this down to its most
simple format is like we justgot to make the marriage a fun
place to be.
We just got to make it easybreezy.
Right now it's heavy place tobe.
We just got to make it easybreezy right now.
(07:56):
It's heavy.
For most of us it's heavy, andwhen, when our wives come around
, it's a heavy experience andshe knows it's going to be heavy
, it's going to be hard work,it's going to be heavy, it's
going to be emotionally taxingand that is the experience that
she has over and over and overand over and over and over again
, until finally we it's not thatshe wants to leave, she has no
choice.
It's like I'm going to die nowor I have to leave in the name
of self-preservation.
We've just absolutely exhaustedour wife.
(08:18):
She has nothing left to give.
And it comes to a point towhere it's like, well, we're
both.
You know I'm going to die inthis relationship or I've got to
get out, in the sense ofself-preservation.
As men, we kind of interpretthat as she's left me and she
doesn't love me anymore, whenthe reality is she hasn't.
The reason she's exhausted isbecause she's been trying and
now she has no choice but toleave.
In the beginning of therelationship, when she said yes
(08:38):
to you, it was fun, right, itwas light-hearted, it wasn't
heavy all the time, it wasn'tbig emotional tax that had to be
paid every time you have aconversation.
It was just light and friendlyand airy and fun and it's like
if we can just bring it back tothat then that's gonna.
That's gonna be, it's gonna beso, big man, I've got a.
I got, I got an sms from a,from a girl like.
(09:00):
I was friends with her husband.
Actually I was helping them andthey ended up splitting, which
was a shame, because she was ahundred she was a hundred
percent like committed to savingthe marriage.
He was just so stubborn and setin his ways he wouldn't change
a single thing.
But you know, a couple of yearslater she's with another guy
and she goes.
I wish I'd have known this waslast week.
Actually she goes.
I wish I'd known when I was 18years old that all I need from a
(09:22):
man is someone that's going tobe nice to me.
That's it all, all you know.
I wish someone had told me at 18all you need out of a man is
someone that's going to be niceto you, that's it, someone
that's going to be fun to bearound.
You know and I think that ringstrue for a lot of us, the number
of women that I talk to you onthe other side of this and go.
If he'd just be a little bitnicer to me, if he'd just be a
(09:44):
little bit kinder, if he'd justbe a little bit softer which
gets back to, like, the initialconversation, right, what, what,
what emotion are you leavingyour woman with your wife with,
through your communication, the,the number of women that I've
talked to, that just gone.
If he'd just be a little bitkinder, a little bit gentler, if
(10:04):
he just realized I was a littlebit more fragile than he thinks
he is, I could deal with this.
You know, and in our mind asmen, we go no, no, it's far more
complex than that.
It's like, like, but you knowwe've got this and this and this
and this.
No, no, no.
It's very, very simple.
Make being with your wife a funexperience, make it a pleasant
experience.
the more needy you are of your wife, the less
attractive she's going to findthat.
And this is why, you know,we're now moving into the
detachment piece.
Right, it's like.
This is why detaching from theoutcome is very important,
because if you're detached, youdon't need it.
If you don't need it, you aregoing to be attractive to it.
The second you need it you'renot going to be attractive at
all.
You know, and that's why, like,I want it, but I don't need it.
(00:29):
I would like for this, you know,it's like I'm in the process of
buying a house.
I may even have bought thehouse.
Or on this call, like my lawyerjust sent me a message and I
said send it to my wife, she'llsign it.
I may, I may have closed on thehouse.
Well, this call is going on.
But it's like I'm just like I'mnot going to get attached to
this.
I'm not going to getemotionally attached.
If it happens, it happens, andif it happens, it happens, and
if it doesn't, it doesn't, right, like I want this house and I
like this house and I think it'sa good house and good for us,
but I'm not going to getattached to it.
If it happens, it happens If itdoesn't.
(00:50):
It doesn't Doesn't mean I don'twant it Doesn't mean I'm not
interested in it.
Of course I want it, of courseI'm interested.
It doesn't mean I don't them.
Now I engage properly, but I'mdetached.
My goal for each and every oneof you is to arrive at a place
of you know you'reunconditionally happy.
(01:10):
There's no conditions attachedto that happiness, and you can
arrive there.
You can get there.
But we've got to startstripping it back.
Stripping it back.
And again, how do you sleepbetter at night?
Well, you just detach fromevery outcome.
If I get house, I get the house.
If not, I'm going to sleep.
All right, I'd like to get it.
I'd like to get a new clienttoday.
If we don't get a new client,fair enough, I'll still sleep
(01:31):
tonight.
I'm going on holiday friday.
I would like for the sun to beshining where we're going, but
if it's not, we'll make the mostof it.
Right, like when you can justlet go of the outcome and say
I'm going to be happyunconditionally, I'm going to
experience unconditionalhappiness.
A lot of your worries go away.
A lot of your dramas just goaway.
And that's what's attractive.
Someone that can be happy inany situation that's attractive.
(01:54):
That, ultimately, is what yourwife wants.
I went to a seminar just a quickexample then I just don't have
time to call it.
I went to a seminar one timeand this guy was like, let me be
your wealth advisor.
I'm like, what's your net worth?
And he's like, well, I'm juststarting out.
It's like, well, you're notgoing to advise me.
Then, buddy, like if your networth is zero and I'm your first
no, not going to happen.
It's like you haven't.
You need to demonstrate in yourlife the results that you're
(02:17):
potentially going to give to theother person.
So if wife looks at you and seesthat you're unconditionally
happy, she's going to want that100.
She's going to want that.
If she sees that you'resleeping well at night, you know
like my wife will be stressingout for the next like we're
going.
We're going on friday.
She'll be stressing out fromnow until friday about the
weather.
She'll she'll have sleeplessnights.
What if it rains?
Well, what if it rains?
(02:37):
What do you know?
Is worrying about it going tochange?
It is worrying about it goingto have any impact at all on the
weather.
Or are you just going to keepyourself awake for two nights,
worrying about it for no validpurpose.
You know, just harm yourself.
And then am I looking at hergoing well, worrying about
something that you have nocontrol over.
That's a good strategy, so I'mgoing to follow her lead.
No, I've got to detach and showher don't ruin the next two
(03:00):
days of your life over somethingyou have no control over.
Be unconditionally happy forthe next two days, and I would
suggest big statement, but justhang with it for a second.
If you're not capable of beinghappy where you are, happiness
will elude you forever.
If what we're saying ishappiness ultimately is at some
(03:20):
point in the future, whencertain circumstances align,
then I would say happiness issomething that's going to elude
you forever because you'reputting it outside of yourself
and you're putting it in thefuture, versus accepting that
happiness is an inside job.
Happiness is something that wechoose and that we create, and
we do that by what we've justtalked about.
Right, how do we release in thegrievances, not creating any new
(03:42):
grievances today, operating ina spirit of forgiveness, I'm
going to forgive others, I'mgoing to their forgiveness.
You know how many of us are ina position where we've done
something and we can't acceptthe forgiveness that somebody
else is willing to give us.
You know that's a big one.
I'm going to offer forgivenessfreely.
I'm going to accept forgivenessfreely.
(04:03):
I'm going to forgive myself.
I'm not going to hold anygrudges.
I'm not going to create newgrudges.
I'm going to start to worktowards releasing all this
baggage.
I'm carrying around thegrievances, the pain, the
frustrations, the angers, thedisappointments, the ifs and
buts.
If ifs and buts were candiesand nuts, it'd be Christmas
every day I'm going to let go of.
If I did this differently ayear ago, if I did this
(04:24):
differently two years ago.
I'm going to let go of all ofthat stuff and my goal from this
day forth is to achieve a stateof unconditional happiness.
I am going to beunconditionally happy, which
means you need nothing, whichmeans you're detached from
everything, which meanseverything that's ever been
created is gonna be drawn to you.
That's a good place to be andthat's where you'll truly see
not just your marriage blossombut your health, your sleep,
(04:48):
your finances, yourrelationships, everything.
Everything's gonna just kickoff in a very positive way
versus you know.
I mean we know people write thatwhatever they touch turns to
gold.
And then we know other peoplethat you could give them $100,
and they'd sell it for 50.
And it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter what you givethis person, it's going to turn
to gold.
And it doesn't matter what yougive that person, they're going
(05:08):
to screw it up.
That's an internal state.
The man that's touchingeverything and it's turned into
gold has everything and more isbeing given to him.
The man that touches everythingyou know, gives him 100 and
sells it for 50, he has verylittle.
What little he has is stillgoing to be taken.
So what are you offering now?
Right?
I mean, she's looking at yougoing.
If I come back to this man, I'mfundamentally going to be a
caregiver.
I'm going to be a caregiver andthat and that's where a lot of
(05:29):
us are right, like our wives arelooking at us going.
Well, if I come back to thisman, like, fundamentally, what
I'm going to be from this pointforth is his caregiver.
I'm gonna be a parent or I'mgonna be a caregiver.
I'm gonna be.
I'm gonna be a living nurse,right, because you're gonna need
to be taken care of.
When she's looking at you inthose states and when it's like
your happiness is clearlydependent on her being there and
her behaving certain ways.
(05:50):
So you put a lot of pressure onit.
And two, you're not in greathealth mentally.
As you say, she's looking yougo in this guy.
If I get back to this guy, I'mgonna, I'm all.
All that is in this for me is Iget to be an unpaid caregiver.
So when you say it's over, it'snot over.
That aspect of the relationshipis over, right, if you're, if
that's what you're offering her,yes, it's over.
(06:10):
She's clearly telling you no,I'm not going to be your
caregiver.
I'm not going to enter backinto the relationship on these
terms again.
Like your wife only said yes toyou for two reasons she loved
the way you made her feel andshe saw that a future with you
was better than a future withoutyou.
Now, if she's leaving, theopposite is true.
She hates the way she feelsaround you and she sees a future
(06:30):
without you as being a betteroption than a future with you.
Now, that being said, when she'slooking at you, colin, in your
pre-detachment state, what she'sseeing is she loving the way
that she's feeling right now andshe's seeing that a future with
you is a good thing.
She's looking at you, going,hey, I don't like the way that I
feel about around this guyright now and it's not
necessarily that you've been adickhead.
It's like it's hard to bearound people that are manic,
(06:52):
that are depressed, that areupset, that are on edge all the
time.
It's like it's not a nicefeeling, right, especially if
that's your reality all the time.
It's a big responsibility thatfalls on the person that is
dealing with that, and whatpossible future can she see?
But here's the beautiful thingyour marriage can change because
you can change, and it's theonly reason your marriage can
change, the only reason there'sno other way your marriage can
(07:15):
change other than you can change.
And it's like right now.
You know I said all the timeyou've given her the option of
shit or shittier.
You know staying with me is apretty shitty option because I'm
not in the best condition rightnow and I know you don't like
the way you feel around me andI'm not showing you a very
bright future.
So staying with me is shit.
Leaving is even shittier.
(07:36):
But what other option has shegot?
Staying with a version of youthat she loves, how she feels
around, that she can see abright future being with and we
talked about it last week, butlet's talk about it again.
It's like really I mean just totake this down to its most
simple format is like we justgot to make the marriage a fun
place to be.
We just got to make it easybreezy.
Right now it's heavy place tobe.
We just got to make it easybreezy right now.
(07:56):
It's heavy.
For most of us it's heavy, andwhen, when our wives come around
, it's a heavy experience andshe knows it's going to be heavy
, it's going to be hard work,it's going to be heavy, it's
going to be emotionally taxingand that is the experience that
she has over and over and overand over and over and over again
, until finally we it's not thatshe wants to leave, she has no
choice.
It's like I'm going to die nowor I have to leave in the name
of self-preservation.
We've just absolutely exhaustedour wife.
(08:18):
She has nothing left to give.
And it comes to a point towhere it's like, well, we're
both.
You know I'm going to die inthis relationship or I've got to
get out, in the sense ofself-preservation.
As men, we kind of interpretthat as she's left me and she
doesn't love me anymore, whenthe reality is she hasn't.
The reason she's exhausted isbecause she's been trying and
now she has no choice but toleave.
In the beginning of therelationship, when she said yes
(08:38):
to you, it was fun, right, itwas light-hearted, it wasn't
heavy all the time, it wasn'tbig emotional tax that had to be
paid every time you have aconversation.
It was just light and friendlyand airy and fun and it's like
if we can just bring it back tothat then that's gonna.
That's gonna be, it's gonna beso, big man, I've got a.
I got, I got an sms from a,from a girl like.
(09:00):
I was friends with her husband.
Actually I was helping them andthey ended up splitting, which
was a shame, because she was ahundred she was a hundred
percent like committed to savingthe marriage.
He was just so stubborn and setin his ways he wouldn't change
a single thing.
But you know, a couple of yearslater she's with another guy
and she goes.
I wish I'd have known this waslast week.
Actually she goes.
I wish I'd known when I was 18years old that all I need from a
(09:22):
man is someone that's going tobe nice to me.
That's it all, all you know.
I wish someone had told me at 18all you need out of a man is
someone that's going to be niceto you, that's it, someone
that's going to be fun to bearound.
You know and I think that ringstrue for a lot of us, the number
of women that I talk to you onthe other side of this and go.
If he'd just be a little bitnicer to me, if he'd just be a
(09:44):
little bit kinder, if he'd justbe a little bit softer which
gets back to, like, the initialconversation, right, what, what,
what emotion are you leavingyour woman with your wife with,
through your communication, the,the number of women that I've
talked to, that just gone.
If he'd just be a little bitkinder, a little bit gentler, if
(10:04):
he just realized I was a littlebit more fragile than he thinks
he is, I could deal with this.
You know, and in our mind asmen, we go no, no, it's far more
complex than that.
It's like, like, but you knowwe've got this and this and this
and this.
No, no, no.
It's very, very simple.
Make being with your wife a funexperience, make it a pleasant
experience.
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.