From Darkness to Light

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In this raw and deeply personal episode, I open up about the most defining chapter of my life—the journey from devastating darkness to radiant light. Through the lens of my own experiences, I reflect on pain, healing, and how faith and resilience can carry us through even the most unimaginable circumstances. From childhood upheaval to the soul-crushing experience of divorce, I share how I uncovered my inner light and reclaimed my sense of self, one courageous step at a time.

This episode is for anyone who has felt broken, lost, or buried beneath the weight of their past. I hope my story reminds you that transformation is possible, that healing is real, and that no matter how dark things seem, the light is always waiting to be found—within you. Join me as I peel back the layers of trauma, therapy, growth, and faith to show how I turned pain into power and found a life full of peace, joy, and authenticity.

 

Episode Highlights:

[0:02] - Opening thoughts and a powerful courtroom scene that sparked deep reflection.
[1:15] - Wrestling with life’s toughest question: Why do bad things happen to good people?
[2:30] - The metaphor of prayer and the challenges that shape our strength.
[3:45] - Facing the depths of darkness through divorce and emotional pain.
[5:02] - Childhood instability, blended families, and growing up too soon.
[6:17] - The start of a lifelong journey in therapy and emotional healing.
[7:48] - Discovering personal strength and growth through consistent self-work.
[8:55] - Breaking free from expectations, embracing rebellion, and carving my own path.
[9:40] - From lifelong pain to lasting peace—how I’ve come full circle.
[10:20] - Finding divine alignment, balance, and the glow of true healing.
[10:55] - A heartfelt message for others walking through divorce and darkness.

 

Links & Resources:

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Episode Transcript

Caryn Portnoy (00:02):
Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life.
I'm your host. Karen Portnoy,before I get into this episode,
please comment, ask questions,share some of your experiences,
and don't forget to subscribe.
YouI was reminded of a TV show that

(00:33):
was on some time ago. I don'tremember the name of it, and I
don't know when it aired, butthere was a famous scene in
there that you may recognize. Itranscribed it so that I could
read it to you. But again, Iforget the name of the show and
all of that. So this show wastaking place in a courtroom, and

(00:56):
there was an attorneyquestioning a priest in the
court who was sitting on thestand, she asked, Why do bad
things happen to good people?
The courtroom contemplated thepriests answers about how God
answered his prayers indifficult moments of his life.
The priest answered, Well, toanswer that, one would need to

(01:18):
know the unknowable the mind ofGod Himself. Sometimes the
meaning of a tragedy can bedifficult to comprehend, but if
one has faith, all things havemeaning. She then asked, why
would a loving God allow thesetragedies to happen? Does the
Lord want us to suffer? Thepriest replied, I asked for

(01:40):
strength, and God gave medifficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom, and God gaveme problems to solve. I asked
for courage, and God gave medangers to overcome. I asked for
love, and God gave me troubledpeople to help. My prayers were
answered, and while God callsall of us only some answer his

(02:02):
call. I answered the call, andit's because of this that I'm
able to speak on this topic.
I've gone through such massiveand unimaginable darkness in my
divorce, which was designed todestroy me on every possible
level. I've gone through manyother dark periods in my life.
I'm used to darkness. I know itintimately, a life of pain,
heartache, wrong turns, bad,decisions, hard paths, long and

(02:27):
difficult journeys, struggles,challenges, failures, obstacles,
unfulfilled, successes and more,only glimmering moments of
happiness, achievements, pride,moving forward and independence,
but just like the yin and yangof life, what goes up must come

(02:49):
down. You can't have joy withoutpain, and as I have now
witnessed through my healingjourney at the same time, I was
abused during my divorce, youcan't have darkness without
light. I spent two and a halfyears of intensely healing to
find the light in my life. Ileaned into God for help to pull
me out of hell. Now, not onlyhave I found the light within me

(03:13):
now, I am shining brighter nowthan ever before, and I've
discovered that I've had it allalong. I was just married to
someone who worked so hard todim my light to keep me under
his control.

(03:34):
When Dorothy clicked her rubyslippers at the end of the
Wizard of Oz, saying there's noplace like home. I don't believe
she was talking about Kansas. Ibelieve she was referring to her
authentic self. And the brainsof the Scarecrow, the heart of
the tin man and the courage ofthe lion all represented the
parts within herself that shethought she lacked, and just

(03:58):
like the three men who playedthe roles of each character were
alive and well. When Dorothyreturned home at the end, she
realized she had all thosequalities within her all along.
God is always working for ourhighest good, but it's up to us
to look within and see it forourselves. I felt lost as a
young girl with my parentsdivorce when I was three and a

(04:20):
half, living with my sister andmother and moving five times in
six years. Of course, thatentailed new schools each time
and having to make new friendstoo. I lacked stability,
consistency, security,connection, love, reassurance
and more. By the time my sisterand I moved in with my dad, step

(04:43):
mom and step brother, when I was10 years old, I felt like I had
lost part of my childhood, likeI had to grow up sooner than I
should have. I did havestability, consistency,
security, connection, etc, at mydad and step mom's house. Yes,
it was hard to blend familiesand settle into shared chores,

(05:04):
to working parents, finding myway with yet another school and
friends, balance after schoolactivities, etc. My parents both
worked in the same town that welived in, and both owned their
own businesses. I neverunderstood why I had to take
taxis to my piano lessons,tennis lessons or Hebrew school.

(05:27):
As a pre teen, was it that muchof a problem to drop me where I
needed to go? My dad typicallypicked me up after and was
always late, so I stood outsidewaiting for him, always feeling
unimportant enough for him topick me up on time, these
feelings only snowballed as Igot older and needed an outlet

(05:48):
to deal with my emotions. Ithink by late middle school to
early high school, my parentswere astute enough to realize I
needed therapy. I have sincespent most of my life in therapy
trying to resolve and workthrough those deep seated issues
that overwhelm me as a child.

(06:12):
And while I am so grateful forbeing able to have that support
over so many years and learningall that I have about facing my
emotions and healing so much, itcan be a never ending quest. My
therapist always commended mefor going straight into my
proverbial fire and staring atmy wounds down to the core. If

(06:33):
there were grades given for workdone in therapy, I would have
earned honor roll everysemester, over every year and
over so many years, I shouldhave earned an honorary
doctorate by now four timesover, it wasn't that I was so
dependent on my therapist, notat all. I found the right fit
for me so many years ago, sheheld a mirror up to me and

(06:55):
really challenged me, held me tothe fire and went to the mat
with me, because she knew Icould handle it, never told me
what to do, but rather pushed meto seek the answers myself. So
my psychological evolution wasoff the charts. I craved more of
it, and she kept pushing me. Ithink of the first Rocky movie,

(07:15):
how hard he worked with histrainer, and how it paid off in
spades for him. Same with mytherapy, my life was never easy.
I never had anything handed tome. I had to work my ass off for
everything. I had to provemyself over and over and over
again. I didn't follow the paththat everyone else did. I was a

(07:36):
black sheep in many ways, and myparents struggled with that
because they had their ownvisions and expectations from my
life's path. I did what I could,worked hard, tried to please
them, but was also a rebel everystep of the way.

(07:58):
My point for sharing all of thisis to let you all know that
while my life has now gotten toa state of ease, peace,
happiness and fulfillment, ithas all come from the deepest
state of darkness that I've everexperienced. And I've grown up
with darkness my whole life. Mydivorce was the mother load of
darkness, evil, pain, suffering,betrayal and everything set to

(08:23):
destroy me on every level. Butlike I said earlier, it's the
yin and yang of life, and whilethe first half of my life had so
much pain and sadness, I'mcoming into the next half of my
life where I get to enjoy theride for the first time with
smiles on my face, love in myheart, peace in my soul, and a

(08:44):
glow all around me, my healingjourney with God by my side
every step of the way was theonly way I could be here, right
now, standing at the precipiceof the most abundant life ahead
of me, fulfilling my life'spath, purpose, passions, all
with ease, rest, self care, selflove, naps, massages and long

(09:08):
walks with my dog, I've learnedthat when you follow your soul's
desires, it's not about killingyourself to get there. I've
learned how to balance allaspects of my life, my emotions,
my masculine and feminineenergies, the people I choose to
have in my life, etc. I'vemastered turning pain into

(09:28):
power, and I see the big, bigpicture of my life. So clearly,
if you know me, if you see me onsocial media, if you meet me for
the first time, I'm very awarethat I don't wear what I've been
through on my face. You maynever understand what depths of

(09:52):
darkness I had to pull myselfout of to smile like I do now,
let my glow now be theconfirmation of. How horrific my
divorce was to be the ultimatefight of my life. Literally, I'm
the strongest person I know, andI truly don't believe that any
other person could have survivedmy divorce and come out the

(10:13):
other side to where I am now. Tothose who are at the beginning
of your divorce, hell, in themiddle of it, or even on the
other side, I see you clearly. Ifeel you. I know what you're
dealing with. I'm with you, andI'm here to be a life raft for
you. Please join me everyThursday for a new episode. You

(10:34):
can reach my [e-mail] the music of life. Feel
free to leave your emailaddress. You can also leave a
voicemail and share any kinds ofstories or experiences or
anything that you'd like to talkabout. I promise I will keep you
anonymous, but I assure you thatwhatever experiences or stories

(10:55):
you leave for me, you are notalone, and I would love to share
that with other people who arealso going through similar
things. Thanks again forlistening. I'll see you in the
next episode. You.