Giving Grace: To Ourselves & To Others

Send us a text

Hey friends, in this episode, I dive deep into the concept of grace—especially what it means to give ourselves grace versus extending it to others. It’s something I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately, especially as I continue navigating life post-divorce, deep healing, and everything in between. Through my own experiences in therapy and the soul work of personal growth, I’ve come to realize how transformative grace can be—not just in forgiving others, but in reclaiming peace for ourselves.

We explore the contrast between living in cycles of pain and choosing the brave path of self-reflection and emotional healing. I open up about some pretty personal moments, including the choices I made to prioritize my own peace, the way I learned to let go of resentment, and how I’ve come to understand the role of karma and moral responsibility in our lives. If you’ve ever struggled with being too hard on yourself or holding on to pain from others, this conversation is for you.

 

Episode Highlights:

[0:02] - Introducing the topic: grace towards self vs. others
[1:20] - Reflecting on the two paths people take after childhood trauma
[3:08] - The long, messy journey through therapy and finding the right fit
[4:45] - Realizing we are often our own harshest critics
[6:00] - How giving myself grace helped me during my mom’s illness and divorce
[7:40] - Extending grace to those who’ve deeply hurt us, and what that says about our growth
[9:20] - Choosing peace and forgiveness over retaliation and judgment
[10:35] - Learning to be neutral before shifting towards compassion
[11:48] - Letting the universe handle karma and consequences
[12:30] - The importance of developing a moral compass and ethical responsibility
[13:35] - Wrapping up with an invitation to introspect and grow with grace

 

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Episode Transcript

Caryn Portnoy (00:02):
Karen, hi everyone, and welcome to the
music of Life. I'm your host.
Karen Portnoy, before I get intothis episode, please comment,
ask questions, share some ofyour experiences, and don't
forget to subscribe.
I wanted to talk today about theconcept of grace, specifically

(00:26):
giving grace to ourselves versusgiving grace to others. And it
really got me thinking, becausewhat I've learned over decades
in therapy is that you know,there are kind of two different
paths to take. You could eitherlearn about your childhood
traumas and wounds and try andheal those wounds as you go into

(00:48):
adulthood and late adulthood,and that requires a lot of
therapy, sometimes, andintrospection, and it's very
difficult and scary and intensework. And some people go that
route. I went that route. Andthen there is the other route
people take where they don'taddress these things and just

(01:12):
kind of live their liferepeating the same cycles of
abandonment and not feelingworthy and not feeling love and
not feeling deserving, and allof that. And they they live
their life that way, and there'sno judgment either way, good or
bad. I'm not telling anyone howto live their life, but it's,

(01:34):
it's a question of which pathyou want to take. And for me, it
was, it was a very intensejourney for most of my life, I
would say, mid high school, Istarted therapy, and I'm still
in therapy, but, you know, Iwent through a bunch of bad
therapists along the way, so thefact that the one that I'm with
now is the one that I believedwas the right fit for me, I

(01:58):
really got the most work done inthe most intense way, because I
finally found the right fit. AndI always say that you have to
kiss a lot of frogs before youget your prince or princess, in
my case. And so I truly believethat we're born into this earth
with certain wounds and certainlessons that we're meant to

(02:21):
learn throughout our lives, andoftentimes we spend the rest of
our lives trying to heal thosewounds in one way or another,
and even if we don't do the workand we're just repeating those
cycles. You know you could veryeasily as an adult, recognize
those wounds and patterns andlearn to break them yourself.
Maybe you read a good self helpbook that helps you to do that,

(02:44):
or whatever it is. But inessence, you know what happens
along the way is we end up beingour worst critic, because, you
know, we're we're so hard onourselves, we're so judgmental
of ourselves, regardless of whatanybody else thinks of us, and
we really beat ourselves up goodin a way that nobody else could

(03:06):
ever and it always amazes me,because we know ourselves better
than anybody. And don't youthink that you know that would
require the most amount of loveand kindness and grace and
compassion for ourselves, andyet we don't.

(03:30):
So I was thinking about thisbecause I know in my last
episode, I was talking about,you know, the weight that I
gained during my divorce and andhow I was able to lose weight so
organically, you know, when mymom was sick and dying, and I
was dealing with her care, hermedical care long distance, and
I was really able to give myselfa lot of grace then, and just be

(03:56):
in the moment, be in my flow andrelease stress, how I had to,
and it just all came together.
And now dealing with my divorceand moving out of my house, and,
you know, living somewhere elsefor a year, and doing so much
intense healing along the way,it's just been, it's been a lot
of giving myself grace, becausehow else am I going to start a

(04:18):
new life. How else am I going tomove forward if I'm not loving
and compassionate and kind andgraceful to myself? So I've done
a lot of that, and I've alsogiven a lot of grace to people
who have hurt me deeply, andthat's just a testament to how
far I've come within myself.

(04:40):
Because, you know, often times,a lot of us are very much in the
the mindset of an eye for aneye. And if someone does you
bad, or does you wrong or hurtsyou so bad. And in my case, my
ex husband tried to destroy meon every level, and it. Would
have been very easy for me tojust stoop to his level and

(05:03):
retaliate and wish bad on himand all of that. And I will tell
you as as much work as I've beendoing on myself in the last
three years. Out of our fouryears divorcing and now
officially divorced for sixmonths, I never once wished bad
on him, and there were eventimes that I prayed for him. I'm

(05:27):
not going to say a lot, butthere were times, but I will say
that I do find myself morecurrently giving him grace,
because I know how unhealed heis. I know what his traumas are
because I see how it played out,you know, in his in his effort

(05:47):
to hurt me as much as he could,so I can give grace for the fact
that he is so wounded and in somuch pain, and someone like
that, you know, banks everythingon the facade that he portrays
to everybody else, and it's asign of weakness. It's not a

(06:07):
sign of strength. But, you know,I'm not saying that
judgmentally. I'm just saying itsort of matter of factly. And
the reason that I've come to apoint of grace, A is for my own
peace. You know, like when youforgive somebody, it's not for
the other person, it's foryourself. And so I forgave a lot

(06:30):
of people that did me wrongbecause I wanted peace for
myself. I don't want to carrythose burdens around and have
that weigh me down that's not,I'm not interested in
that. So for me, it was more,you know, I prioritize peace

(06:53):
over everything right now andeveryone. And if somebody
doesn't bring peace to my life,they're not in my life. You
know, at the time when I was sobroken down and in the depths of
hell during my divorce, while welived together, I was really in
a bad state. And when I startedhealing, I was slowly moving

(07:17):
towards not wishing bad on my exhusband. And at that time, I
remember very consciouslythinking, well, as long as I'm
not wishing bad on him, then I'mokay, because I'm thinking in
terms of my own karma. So I kindof got to a place of like

(07:39):
indifference, or I was justbeing neutral, like I'm not
wishing bad, but I'm also notwishing good, and and I stayed
in that space of neutrality fora while, and I would say, only
more recently have I moved theneedle more towards giving him
grace. But the reality is is I'mI'm very intentional about the

(08:02):
fact that it's not up to me toissue him any karma. It's not up
to me to issue him anypunishment or consequence or
anything like that. I completelydefer that job to God and the
universe. And whatever is meantto be is meant to be my ex
husband will reap what he sows,or, you know, get his karma, or

(08:26):
however you define that, causeand effect, whatever. So I'm not
looking to play God. I'm notlooking to, you know, be the
authority on anything. I'm justsharing my thoughts and feelings
and perspectives on things, andhopefully giving you something
to think about.

(08:52):
So when I think of other peoplewho have hurt me, deeply
betrayed me, wish bad on me,gossiped about me, things like
that and more. I'm able to seevery clearly that they are
coming from a very unhealedplace, possibly toxic. And to

(09:16):
that extent, I could say it'snot really their fault, although
I do believe that we need totake responsibility for our own
actions and our own behaviorsand all of that, no matter how
toxic we are. But again, it's,it's that whole cause and effect
if you're if you're going tolive a life of toxicity and

(09:38):
behave in a certain way towardspeople, especially people that
are kind and generous and, youknow, love you. It's, there's,
there's a price to be paid forthat. But again, you know my
peace is my priority, and inorder to live a peaceful life,
I'm aware how important it is toforgive people. My life, how to

(10:01):
give grace to those people andand wish them well? I mean, what
else can I do? I don't believein an eye for an eye, and I do
very much believe that if youknow better, then you should do
better. You have aresponsibility at that point. If
you don't know, how are yousupposed to be held accountable?

(10:23):
But when you know, you have aresponsibility, an ethical
responsibility, to do better.
Whether somebody takes that callor not is up to them, you know.
But again, there areconsequences, universal
consequences to that so people.

(10:46):
I don't wish bad karma onanyone, because I know that when
you're a good person and youwant good for other people, and
they turn around and stab you inthe back, it's not an equal
exchange from the universe,because the universe
acknowledges people with purehearts and and good souls and

(11:08):
all of that. And so ifsomebody's going to do someone
like that wrong, they don't justget karma. They get like karma
times 10 bad karma. So, youknow, it's something to think
about. I don't know. I mean, howdoes one develop a moral
compass? Let me say that again.
How does one develop a moralcompass? Where do your ethics

(11:30):
come from? Is it how you wereraised? Is it the environment
you grew up in? Is it thesociety we live in? I mean, I'm
sure a lot of that comes fromall different places and
influences, maybe things we seeon TV or in movies or whatever.
It's just we are influenced aswe live and grow up and become

(11:51):
adults. But it's, it's our ownpersonal choice, how we navigate
that, and how we move and how wegrow, and what your internal
North Star is, what that thingis that pulls you towards right
or wrong. So, you know, we'reobviously, we're all human.

(12:12):
We're not perfect. We're notmeant to be perfect. We are
meant to grow. We are meant tolearn. We are meant to strive to
be better, and it comes down towho's going to answer that call.
And I'm not here to, you know,be holier than thou and say
that. You know, I got it lickedand I got it nailed and I know

(12:34):
better. That's not my job. But Ilive my life as best as I can,
as pure as I can, whether I'mdoing the right thing or not.
You know, God will judge me. ButI do feel that I've gone through
a lot of experience and a lot ofhard times and a lot of lessons

(12:54):
that I did learn and grow from,and I feel like I have a lot to
share and to offer andperspectives that I don't think
most people really think about.
So in that regard, I'm lookingto contribute and hopefully
inspire different ways oflooking at things based on my

(13:16):
own experiences. So while Ithink that it's important to
give grace for other people, forhurting us and hurting others
and all of that. It's just, Ithink we really have to focus
more on giving ourselves thegrace that we deserve anyway. I
hope this is helpful to youguys, in terms of, you know,

(13:37):
seeing things a littledifferently and maybe thinking
about some of these thingsyourself. Thanks again. I'll see
you in the next one. Please joinme every Thursday for our new
episode if you'd like to reachout to me and ask questions or
share stories of your own, yourown experiences through any of

(14:01):
these things, I would love tohear from you. Please also
subscribe. You.