Legal Battle to Keep Podcast Alive

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Hey everyone, it's Caryn. In this episode, I’m sharing a very personal and powerful update about the legal battle I’ve been navigating—yes, someone actually tried to shut down this podcast with a 273-page motion! I’m also opening up about a deeply emotional meditation I recently had that brought back memories from one of the hardest times in my life—my divorce. But this time, I saw things from a totally new angle, and the insights I gained were intense and, honestly, transformative.

I’m diving into how abuse can show up in different forms, the way some people operate from destruction rather than compassion, and what happens when you choose to rise anyway. This conversation goes deep—into resilience, spiritual self-reflection, and why building your own healing path (rather than following someone else’s blueprint) can be the most empowering thing you’ll ever do. If you’ve ever been in the trenches and wondered how to find your way out, this one is for you.

 

Episode Highlights:

 [0:22] - A surprising update: fighting a court motion to shut down the podcast
 [2:04] - A deep meditation unlocks painful memories from the divorce
 [3:15] - Exploring the many layers of abuse—mental, emotional, financial, and more
 [5:00] - A realization: Was the destruction meant to force dependence?
 [6:18] - The moment he saw I wasn’t broken—and why that mattered
 [7:45] - Pulling myself out of the darkness and beginning to thrive
 [8:33] - Psychology, therapy, and the value of lifelong introspection
 [10:02] - Transformation through pain—what healing has looked like for me
 [11:10] - Creating my own healing path instead of following the crowd
 [12:30] - A reflection on friendships, admiration, and what true support looks like
 [13:45] - My mission: being a guiding light for others walking hard paths

 

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Episode Transcript

Caryn Portnoy (00:02):
Karen, hi everyone, and welcome to the
music of Life. I'm your host.
Karen Portnoy, before I get intothis episode, please comment,
ask questions, share some ofyour experiences, and don't
forget to subscribe.

(00:22):
Hi everyone. First. I just wantto apologize for skipping last
week's episode. I've beenextremely busy preparing for
court. I'm not going to say toomuch about it, other than I was
brought back to court with a 273page motion to shut my podcast

(00:43):
down, and I'm happy to say thatthat is not happening. Court
said that they have no control,power or jurisdiction to shut it
down, being that it's freedom ofspeech. So I'm happy to report
that this podcast will continueon for however long I choose to
have it. So that's the firstthing. Second thing is, and this

(01:06):
is going to be another intenseone, and I'm not going to
apologize for it, because Ifound it fascinating. But I was
deep in meditation recently, andwhat came up was really kind of
like mind blowing to me. Youknow, it's interesting because,
you know, I never know when Iwhen I meditate. I mean, they,

(01:27):
they all go deep, but it's, I'ma deep person. I'm not going to
apologize for that, but I justknow that oftentimes when I'm
meditating, there are somepretty profound things that come
up for me. And I, this happenedto me recently, and what I I
wound up kind of just sittingwith it for days because I

(01:50):
really just needed to processit, and just, oh, boy, you
anyway. So what happened was Iwas brought to the time in my

(02:10):
divorce, and I've spoken aboutthis before, so I'm not really
saying anything new, but the waythat it was presented to me in
my meditation, and the way thatI kind of pieced it together was
kind of a different perspective.
So I was brought back to thetime in my divorce, which was
pretty much three years duringmy divorce that we lived

(02:33):
together. And as I said in priorepisodes, my ex husband was very
abusive towards me, mentally,emotionally, psychologically, I
even mentioned sexually, and notin the sense of being assaulted,
but withholding So, withholdingsex, love and affection, so

(02:54):
sexually and then legally andfinancially. So, you know, I
don't know other ways to beabused other than physically,
and that almost happened onenight in our daughter's room in
front of her, and I spoke aboutthat earlier. So again, nothing
new, but in all the ways that Iwas abused during this time, my

(03:17):
meditation brought me back tojust kind of going over all of
those different ways. And Idon't believe that this was
something that was a consciouschoice. Maybe it was, I don't
know, but my ex husband is not adeep person, so, and I'm not

(03:38):
being mean by saying that. It'sjust the reality. He's a very
surfacey kind of person, and soI don't believe that what I'm
about to say is something thatwas premeditated or even thought
about on a deep level. Maybe itwas thought about on a shallow
level, I don't know, but Ibelieve that His purpose and His

(04:00):
reasoning for trying to destroyme on all those different
levels, was because he wanted meto be in such despair and such
ruin that I would be forced Toturn to Him and ask Him for
help, and that that was a bigthing for me to process, because

(04:24):
I don't think that he, hedoesn't think that way, and and
he doesn't, he doesn'tstrategize that way, I think in
his mind, and again, this is myperspective. I think in his
mind, he just set out to destroyme in any way that he could do
that. I don't believe he goesdeeper than that. I don't think

(04:46):
that he thinks aboutconsequences or, you know, I
don't think he plots out whatcould happen and and what may
not happen, or whatever. I don'tthink he thinks that way. I. So
I think that he did all of thatso that I would turn to Him and
and ask for help, like help pullme out of the darkness, kind of

(05:08):
thing. And I think the reasonthat he might have done that,
hoping that I would turn to Himand ask Him for help, was so
that he could turn around andsay to me, sorry, can't help
you, which would be the ultimatenail in my coffin, you know,
like, watch me not make it out.

(05:31):
So, you know, when I think aboutevil and people's malintent and
wanting bad on somebody else,things like that. It just blows
me away, the depth to somepeople reach, and just how deep
it goes. So I think the thingthat he underestimated or didn't

(05:55):
expect or maybe calculatedagainst was that I wouldn't turn
to him because I didn't need himto pull me out and to help me. I

(06:18):
don't think he counted on thatat all. And so when I hit rock
bottom, and he watched, hewatched it all from the time
that I was spiraling and totallydysregulated through all that
that I was living through toonce I started my healing
journey. I don't think that heeven noticed that for quite some

(06:39):
time, and maybe not at all whilewe were living together. But
there had to have been a timethat he noticed that I wasn't
ruined, that I was somehowsurviving, that I was somehow
pulling myself out of this. Hehad to have noticed that. And
that's probably when he doubleddown at any point and just, you

(06:59):
know, kicked it into high gear,but the fact that I did pull
myself out and help myself outand work on myself, and you
know, all that I did to healmyself at the same time I was
being abused, he did not counton that at all, for sure. So

(07:22):
once he started to see that Iwas healing, that I was going in
the other direction, I was notgoing to let him break me. I've
said this before. I did not lethim crush my spirit. I did not
let him close my heart. So forme to pull myself out and heal
and and then start to thrive,must have scared the shit out of

(07:45):
him. So it's interesting howcourt has played out recently,
because he worked very hard,very hard in this motion to
bring me down in court onceagain. And you know the fact
that court is not allowing mypodcast to be shut down, it's a

(08:07):
pretty big win for me. We'restill not done in court, so I
can't discuss anything else atthe moment, but you know that
decision has already been made,so I'm I'm okay about talking
about that part of it. Soanyway, back to my meditation.
It just It really blew me awayand and, you know, that's one of

(08:29):
the things about self reflectionand looking inward and doing the
healing work and all of that,because it allows you to see the
same thing in different ways,and to process it differently
and to have new perspectives.
And I've always been sofascinated by self awareness and
self introspection, because I'vealways been interested in

(08:55):
psychology, the fact that I'vebeen in therapy for most of my
life, I mean, it's aninteresting topic human behavior
and how all of that works. Youknow, once again, I think I've
said before that, you know, itwas, it was in high school that
I remember putting piecestogether, you know, just around
the family dinner table, when wewould be talking about someone

(09:18):
or something that happened, andI would kind of make sense of it
to everyone, and piece ittogether and just give my take
on things and and it was a skillthat I developed early on. So it
was, it was always fascinatingto me. I remember when I was at
Syracuse University, I majoredin psychology, and, you know,

(09:40):
that was interesting too. So alot of people have asked me how
I've gone about healing, like,what am I doing to heal? How am
I doing this? Because people arestarting to see and reflect back
to me that I'm not the sameperson. In fact, a. A good
friend of mine recently said tome how different I am from the

(10:01):
first time she met me, and she'sa fairly new friend, but
somebody I've known, and shekeeps telling me that I was such
a different person when we metthan who I am now, and it's so
cool that she's watched mytransformation this whole time,
and just how much she respectsme and how much she admires me

(10:24):
and and all the great thingsthat I'm doing now and what I'm
building for myself and and allof that. And she's just so kind
of wowed by it, which is soflattering. And I I always
appreciate everything she saysit's so nice that that people
compliment you and respect you.
I mean, how often do you getthat from people in your life?

(10:47):
So you know so many people arejealous or envious or
competitive, and they don't saythose things. But this
particular friend has alwaysbeen very generous in saying how

(11:09):
she feels about me and you know,and likewise, I we're it's a
very reciprocal friendship whichI really, truly value. So when
people ask me how I've healed, Ialso came to another conclusion
recently that, you know, a lotof people kind of follow a

(11:30):
similar formula. Or, you know,they'll go to therapy, or
they'll they'll have a religiousexperience in healing, or
they'll have a spiritualexperience and healing, or
they'll turn to self help booksor different kinds of support
groups or life coaches orwhatever it is. And while I

(11:51):
think it's all well and good foreverybody or anybody who chooses
those paths, I've taken a littlefrom a lot of different
resources and kind of put it alltogether in my own recipe. But
I've, I've been very clear thatI made my own path like I I made
it up as I went along. I didwhat felt right for me. And I'm

(12:15):
also very clear that that's not,it's not like I follow the same
path as other people. I mean,I'm very clear. I'm a black
sheep, very clear. I'm a lonewolf in a lot of ways, and and I
own it, and I honor it, and I'mtotally good with that, but it
meant that I was not going downthe same path that most other

(12:36):
people would go down. And so bycreating my own path, and
walking down that way alone, Ibuilt something unique, and in
my healing, it really did serveme amazingly well. So the only
thing I can do is talk about itas things happen and as things

(12:57):
come up. And, you know, whateverlessons I've learned, or
whatever I can contribute tosomebody else. I mean, you know,
I keep saying, If I can healthrough this, anybody can. I'm
not special in that way. I I'mjust focused and determined. And
I've been through enormouschallenges in my life, not just

(13:19):
my divorce, but many challengesand struggles in my life and and
I've overcome them, so I'm hereto be a guiding light and a
force, and however, I can helpserve other people. That's
That's my what my mission is,and I will continue saying that.
So I think that's about it fornow. We can continue this

(13:40):
conversation another time, butso thank you for listening, and
I'll catch you in the next one.
Please join me every Thursdayfor a new episode. You can reach
my website at pod page.com/the,music of life. Feel free to
leave your email address, youcan also leave a voicemail and

(14:02):
share any kinds of stories orexperiences or anything that
you'd like to talk about. Ipromise I will keep you
anonymous, but I assure you thatwhatever experiences or stories
you leave for me, you are notalone, and I would love to share
that with other people who arealso going through similar
things. Thanks again forlistening. I'll see you in the

(14:23):
next episode. You.